Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 594: Hard Target with Sam Riegel

Episode Date: July 23, 2019

Sam Riegel (Critical Role) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Sam's career as a professional D&D player, the gaps in everyone's nerd fandom, Sam's high school friendship with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and the underground rappers who might make good Marvel superheroes now that Mahershala Ali has opened the door as Blade. Plus, we tally some of the final numbers from the JJGo Calliseum and send the beloved segment off into the sunset! Come see us at the final Summer Boys of Summer show in Los Angeles on Wednesday at Angel City Brewery!  We'll be joined by Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger of the Doughboys, Allie Goertz from Everything is Coming Up Simpsons and a special opening set from the Story Break podcast. PLUS, BREAKING NEWS: we'll be screening a video of Aimee Mann's song about Jordan's cat!! The world premiere! 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. So, this is not likely to leak into our recording studio, but I feel like it cannot go unmentioned. Radon? Is it Radon? Because I smelt a smell.

This whole building was painted with glow-in-the-dark paint in the 40s. Well, we should get out of here. You think that's the reason the show is so bad? We're loopy from Radon this whole time? I have not been able to figure out exactly what's going on outside of our office building. But in the summer, in summer evenings, we're right on MacArthur Park. There's an amphitheater called the Levitt Pavilion. And in the Levitt Pavilion, there's this free concert series. And there's a concert going on there right now that has some of the most extended guitar solos I have ever heard in my entire

life. And a broad variety of types of guitar solo. Did you time them? Yeah. Yeah. No, I always do. If I hear a guitar solo, that's my first instinct. You whip out your pocket watch.

Well, I don't need a pocket watch. I've got one of those track and field timers that you hang around your neck with the plungers. You know, a manual one, of course. Stopwatch, yeah. Yeah, but a manual one. Yes, I agree with you. You're describing a manual stopwatch. Yes, we can agree on that.

I'm not going to fight you on that. And I mean, I do always immediately before someone. Once you hear a lick. Once you hear a tasty lick. No, immediately before the licks start, I'll fire a starter's pistol into the air. Oh, okay.

Is that why you get arrested so much? Yeah, no, no, there's that. I have that. That's why you get kicked out of so many jazz brunches.

I have one of those photo finish cameras that I use to capture the exact ending of a guitar solo, and that's how I know how long a guitar solo is. Right.

So how long are these, would you say, on average? Three minutes. Wow. Yeah. Pretty long. Right. So how long are these, would you say, on average? Three minutes. Wow. Yeah. Pretty long. Like I had to look up, it's a festival and I could not find the lineup for the festival.

I could only find the headliner. The headliner is a Korean American rapper and this is not that. I heard several Santana songs in a row. But before that, I heard kind of like a metal song with like a ripping guitar solo. So it might just be, are you sure? Maybe what's going on down there is Confusion Fest? Confusion Fest 2019? Is there such a thing as a guitar solo cover band?

Oh, I don't know. Is that a guy who covers great guitar solos? Right. From Santana to Satriani. Yeah, exactly. S&S. Yes. Yes. Right.

The two greats. Or it could be Santana and Matheny and then it would be S and M. Oh, that's nice. And that would be a little jazzier. That would be a little jazzier. Yeah. And a little naughtier. If at any point it sounds like we're at a string cheese.

Brian, title for this episode jazzy and naughty string cheese incident spaghetti incident one of them's a guns and roses album and one of them is uh oh right there's the guns and roses cover album yes i think the spaghetti incident yeah that seems right to me and then string cheese incident is the jam band right yeah yeah i think that's who it is i think it's string cheese i think they're playing with I think they're playing along with Korean-American rapper Dumbfounded. Oh, what a lineup. Yeah, the classic duo. I got to get down there to Confusion Fest and just be kind of confused.

Brought to you by Target, by the way. Wow. See, that's funny because I think of Targets as very intuitive stores. Right. Should we introduce our guest? Nah. Okay. Just keep talking about what it's like to find my way

around a target and how bad I always kind of know where stuff is, even if it's a new target. Or different things we could time with my stopwatch. These all seem like great topics. Our guest on the program is a podcaster, an actor, a voice actor, a voice director. He's a beloved favorite on this program

and of course he's best known as the voice of Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney. in the Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney video game. Yeah, I'm best known in this office for that. Right, yeah. By my colleague, Lindsay Pavlis. Yes. As the voice of, which is a Japanese, which is an anime legal simulator. Yeah, it's a lawyer video game where you, it's all the action

of being a lawyer, but in handheld form. His name is Sam Regal. Hi, everybody. Hi, Sam. I'm Sam. Nice to meet you guys. It's great to see you guys. Nice to meet you too, Sam. Yeah, but I guess in the time, you know, but you've maybe been on this podcast three or four times

and, but I think recently you've been you've been doing a lot of dnd in your career oh yeah you've been dnding yeah i did jesse do you know about this but i play dnd now you're in the professionally you're in the critical role averse i am in the critical role averse uh god i just want to be in an averse any averse i'd settle for being in the critical rololodex. I'm sure. They just give me a call once in a while. Right.

Yeah, I played D&D. You are very critical. That's true. Seems like a good Rolodex for you to be in. Yeah, we play D&D every week, and people watch us roll dice. They watch you D. It's real weird, and it's been a wild experience. Was this something that you had to learn to do or something that you had a long history of doing? So I did not play as a kid.

Did you guys? Do you have any kid experience playing D&D? I had a babysitter. Shout out to Darius DeBelgadere. That's a great name. I know. Darius DeBelgadere, great babysitter, great guy. I've seen him a few times recently.

He came to a show one time. I said, hey, Darius DeBelgadere. Is he still babysitting? Yeah, primarily. But he played? He showed you the ropes? He was a real committed power geek. And he was also, I think, older enough than I that a pencil and paper board game had not yet really been superseded culturally

by video games. Like I know that they have come back around in a big way, but – Yeah. I think because people sort of yearn for the primal connection between people. Yeah, sure. Sitting around a table, sharing stories, feeling a pencil and paper in your hand. It's a lot different than just dinking around on your phone all day

it is different than dinking yeah different than dinking different than David Dinkin the former mayor of New York City I know him well yeah yeah

big D&D guy well he's more of a Warhammer guy I hate to correct you but he's more of a Warhammer guy he loves to paint a mini fig yeah

but he's a min-maxer he really is I never got any further than playing with my babysitter when he was babysitting me a few times. And also, I think there was a period in around, I'm going to say fifth grade, where I would occasionally buy the book of a role-playing game. Well, they're all great to look at. God, they talk about playing it with a friend at school, but never actually get to the point with it. Well, that's even farther than I went as a kid. As a kid, I never touched the stuff.

I never knew anyone who was doing it. And now, as an adult, we did it as sort of just on a lark. A friend of ours said, hey, for my birthday this year, I want to get all my friends together and play a game of D&D. And we did it. We're all voice actor type people. And after the sesh was over, we all sort of had this uniform. There was an energy.

Yeah. We were like, that was magical. Something about that was really great. Must have been us. I think it was a lot of ego. We're as good as we thought. It was a lot of ego because we're writing and performing at the same time. It's all us.

Yeah. And so we just kept doing it. And then we started broadcasting and people watch now. There was a period where I read Dungeons and Dragons novels that I would buy at the used bookstore by my house. That was also probably around fourth or fifth grade. Yeah. Just going. They were specifically

shit. Dragon Lance? Yes. That's exactly what they were. They were Dragon Lance. I remembered it was advanced Dungeons and Dragons, not standard. Sure. But not the old man,

as our friend Jimmy Pardo would say. But yeah, Dragon Lance novels. I probably read eight of them. I don't know how many of, Dragonlance novels. I probably read eight of them. I don't know how many of them there were, but I probably read eight of them. Again, this was not my world as a kid, so I don't know. I recently read three of those books because I read the audio books of them for like Audible or whatever. Not Dragonlance. It was like another side series or something connected to it.

But man, that was hard. Can you do an audio book that is set in a rich fantasy world? Do you have to have a separate voice for all the characters? There was no director. It was just me at home figuring this out on my

own. And so I made the choice because it was like an adventuring party of five individuals. Right. Who are these individuals? Oh, boy. If I – I don't – Well, there's Borax.

There's, of course, Borax's famous mule team, his 20-mule team. Sure. They're a team of – they go from city to city busting stains. Yep. Yep. Oh, sure. You have to roll for each mule. Yeah.

I don't remember their names, but they were impossible. Right. Yep. You have to roll for each mule. I don't remember their names, but they were impossible. Right. Sure. Fantasy characters tend to be. Also, no one gave me a pronunciation guide or anything, so I would read these place names and I'd be like, now we're in Thraska. And I don't know what that, I don't know if I'm saying it right. There's an unfamiliar accent mark over one of the letters. That's the other thing that happened. I got, so it was a three book series. I got into book three and one, and in one of the passages it said like, um, come with me into the lair. She said in her unusual Tarrasque language or no, in her unusual Tarrasque accent. And I had not been giving her an accent for the other two books. You needed an unusual accent. So I was like

fuck, do I gotta go back and redo all of her lines and some accent? And I made the cautious choice. No. Her unusual accent is American English. That might be unusual to the people of... Particularly unusual in Tarasca. Sure. We don't get many Americans

down these parts. That's my... Jordan, why aren't you reading fantasy novels for audiobooks? Country and Western. Well, I think the reason I don't read the books is because I'm not good at it.

I wouldn't do a good job at that. So that's probably the reason. I would listen to that book. Yeah, maybe I would too now that I'm hearing it in my cans. Jack McBrayer reads Dragonlance. Jordan Morris is Jack McBrayer as Dragonlance. I'm Dragonlance.

That's right. I also had a computer game of Dungeons and Dragons called The Secret of the Silver Blades. Whoa. It was CGA on the IBM PC. So what is that? Four different greens. Okay. Four different colors of green.

Possibly eight different colors of green. Wow. And I remember, like, you know, you would cast spells and stuff. Sure. And there was a story. And it was too much for me at the time. I think I was nine. It was too heady? It was too complicated.

It was too complicated. I knew to cast the spells. But later they would try and make Dungeons & Dragons games. There was console Dungeons & Dragons games that were kind of not that Dungeons & Dragons-y. that were kind of not that Dungeons & Dragons-y. Yeah. So, I mean, I think the NES had a lot of D&D games that were a little more, you know, a simulacrum of playing the game. Right.

But I think, you know, as you get – I mean, my D&D experience is very limited. I mean, to look at me, you would think this man plays a lot of D&D. 100%. Because of his Hobbit-like qualities. Jordan, I would just like to say that what you accidentally said was this man plays a lot of dnb 100 because of his hobbit-like qualities jordan i would just like to say that what you accidentally said was this man plays a lot of dnb oh and i could see you playing a lot of dnb if you're talking about david busters then yes sir if it's dnb i'm at there i was thinking dave matthews band which i think is happening outside right now. Oh, I was thinking D, M, B. I was thinking drum and bass. Drum and bass.

But we all thought something different. It's fun. Humans are fun. Yeah, aren't they? We're all just trying to get along with this crazy blue marble. So, yes. So, I'd say a D&D kind of – when I think I became committed to nerd shit, it was maybe a little kind of in between the video games are the thing now. Yeah, I feel like we, age-wise, we really hit the nadir of Dungeons & Dragons for being

in our mid to late 30s right now. Yeah. As elderly millennials, we really missed out on the Gen X peak and then also the retro revival. Yeah, so I think my nerd gaps are like 70s nerd shit if you don't count Monty Python, which I am very into. So, you know, like Star Trek, Doctor Who, D&D

are kind of my little gaps that I don't know much about. It's good that you know that and acknowledge your flaws. I know myself. I know myself. I have a lot of nerd gaps. Yeah. And I've been playing catch up with this group that I play with ever since we started. I feel like I felt like a fraud and an imposter for most of it.

But now people ask me, like, I'm considered an authority on D&D. And so I have to know some of this stuff. But I really don't. What kind of guy is your guy? Well, I've had two major guys. My first guy was a gnome bard. Casts magic with his singing voice. He has a beautiful singing voice, too.

Oh, thank you. It's really nice. Thank you. That's really nice. As in the Smash It video game, The Bard's Tale. Sure. Yeah?

Oh, finishing a thought real quick about D&D video games, I would like to hear, just to complete the thought so no one yells at us, D&D video games, they made some for the Nintendo that were kind of like

playing D&D. There's some very action-y ones on the Super Nintendo and the Genesis, and then there's kind of a split the difference ones for the PlayStation, Baldur's Gate,

Dark Alliance, which I played with our friend Nathaniel Chapman. Oh, God bless our friend Nathaniel Chapman. So some RPG elements, but still very hack and slash. So games are not part of your gap, your nerd gap. You know games up the wazoo. They're not, Sam.

Definitely the one that I had was a pure recreation of the act of playing tabletop games with the occasional what passed for a cut scene on an eight megahertz computer, which is to say just like a static photograph with a lot of border around it and like a mouth that goes up and down while text scrolls and like an almost unreadable like Gothic font, just this side of unreadable.

But there was a lot of like check page 42 in the manual. Oh, wow. That was, like, a key part of what was going on. The best video games make you think and they make you read. Yeah. So, Sam, you were saying you're a guy. So you've had a bard. So I played a bard, a lecherous bard character.

And now currently I play as a female goblin rogue. Now, how lecherous is she? She is not lecherous. She's a bit of an alcoholic. Oh. But she's a family woman. She has a husband and a son. That's nice.

Yeah, it is. Now, you're a professional voice actor. Do you do a nice lady voice? I do. It's like my equivalent of Fantasy Miss Piggy. I talk like this. It's terrible.

I love it. Yeah, this sounds fun. And you, you are, you are, I'm, you know, we love all of our guests, of course, and thank them for coming in to do this show. But special thanks to you. You are coming here right from Comic-Con, basically. I just was on the train this morning.

I was at Comic-Con for Friday and Saturday. Today's a Sunday. Yeah. I trained back this morning, had a great time, lost my voice a little, but it was fun to schmooze. Normally, I kind of dislike the Comic-Con. Sure. It's so much.

Sure. There's a lot of it. Yeah. It's an onslaught of the senses the smells the smells a lot of the smells a lot of smells um but this time was really fun i just hung out with friends met some new friends um laid low a little bit i i went to the gym that's nice yeah maybe gym and comic con yeah yeah you have to do it in costume. So you see a lot of Darth Vader's on Stairmasters. Yeah, he would do that because he's tired and also he's a mechanical human.

I want to make it clear. That's not me doing an impression of how Darth Vader sounds in the Star Wars movies. I could make a sound that sounds much closer to that. It's not just a horrible impression. That's if he – when he gets tired, it goes from a classic sound to the other one. To what we heard. I just don't – don't at me, bro. You don't need ats.

Did you notice – I always kind of like when I go to a Comic-Con or a Comic-Con type event, kind of noticing the like cosplay trends, like what's – I remember maybe last year there were a lot of Venoms. Venomania was sweeping the country. Sure. All kinds of Venoms. Did you notice anything? There's a lot of X. There's a lot of Y. Let's see here.

I mean I saw a lot of Marvel stuff. Is there a lot of X. There's a lot of Y. Let's see here. I mean, I saw a lot of Marvel stuff. Is there a lot of X or MDMA? Sure. Yeah, there's Molly everywhere. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people cosplaying as Molly. Right, yeah. I was trying to think who the most famous pop culture Molly was to make the joke.

And, of course, by that you mean Molly Blank. But I couldn't think of a single fucking one. 80s man Molly Hatchet. Yeah, that might add. Molly Blank. But I couldn't think of a single fucking one. 80s man Molly Hatchet. Yeah. That might add. Molly Shannon? There's really. I'm cosplaying as the actress Molly Shannon.

Anybody who cosplays as Molly Shannon at Comic-Con, I'm ready to. I'll write you a check for $500. You fucking rule. Wow. Not as any of her characters. Cosplayer like all the Game of Thrones people, all the Brienne of Tarths in the world walk right by. I'm given $5 to take a picture with fake Molly Shannon. God, I love Molly Shannon.

Oh, she's the best. Yeah, she's funny and sad at the same time. And no matter what she's doing, it's tinged with melancholy. Yeah, I never thought about it like that. But that is her brand, which is very good. She's fucking tremendous at it. God bless her. You were saying you saw a lot of Marvel. A lot of Marvel. I think there was a lot of

expectation at this Comic-Con for Marvel announcements, so I think people were trying to guess. Guess what the next Marvel universe thing is. There was a lot of Fantastic Four. There was a lot of Silver Surfer. This was like the costume equivalent of those British betting markets. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, they got to get dressed up to qualify. Yeah. I think we all maybe would have guessed there would have been more Fantastic Four slash Silver Surfer related announcements. So I've been – I didn't really pay attention. What were the – like what should I know? What do I need to know? Kumail Nanjiani is a marvel now.

Also, I mean, that's exciting. But new Blade. Oh, yeah. New Blade. Yeah, the first Blade ever to have been affiliated with the rap collective Hieroglyphics. Wait, what? Mahershala Ali. He was affiliated with a rap group?

He was a rapper. He put out one single that I've seen. Wow. But he was affiliated with Hieroglyphics, which is like one of, if not the most credible underground hip hop groups of all time. I did not know that. Or Collectives Cruise, you might say. Oh, okay. You would say Cruise. He was later on, he was well after their peak, like 2004 or 2005. Maybe they'll have a resurgence now because of the Blade film.

Yeah, seems likely. Maybe they'll get back together again. Let's get Del the Funky Homo Sapien. resurgence now because of the Blade film. Yeah, seems likely. Maybe they'll get back together again. Let's get Del the Funky Homo Sapien. Let's get casual into the Blade movie. Wrap the plot over the credits. Yeah. Wrap the plot over the credits. Come on, Pio, Tajay, let's get all the souls of mischief in there.

Whoa. Whoa. So yeah, that was the big one. And some other, you know, some sequels and stuff. But I think we're all excited for Kumail Nanjiani to be a Marvel and New Blade as well. Yeah. I think Natalie Portman is going to be Thor. Natalie Portman's going to, they're going to do a, yes.

How does that work? Do they put. I think she has to exercise a lot. But I mean, do they put prosthetics on her? Does she have to look like Thor? Or does a little Thor? Crack snuggle. Okay.

This is Jordan's part of the show. Well, yes, there is precedent for Jane Foster being Thor. Okay. This is Jordan's part of the show. Well, yes, there is precedent for Jane Foster being Thor. Okay. There was a beloved Thor story a couple years ago from Jason Aaron, who's a great Marvel writer, where, oh boy, something happens. Thor's arm gets cut off and he does something unworthy, can't lift the hammer, and it turns out that Jane Foster can lift the hammer. So she becomes Thor. But because she's particularly strong or because she's strong of will and heart? I think it's a pure of heart thing.

Yeah. But I imagine she'll have to get a little bit jacked. Yeah, right? I mean, you can't be Thor and just have extremely skinny – Yeah. Now, Portman is a thin person. Sure. She must, you know, she looks like she's 110 pounds maybe?

I think she probably builds for tone and she's going to have to bulk up. Yeah. A lot of weight gainer. Yeah. Portman's going to be chugging muscle milk. Yeah. Go to the GNC. In the comics, she was a leaner, lithe Thor.

And it's great. It's a really great comics arc. And I think, I mean, they might not do exactly that in the movie, but the source material is certainly terrific. Sam, did you bulk up at all when you were playing the voice of Spider-Man in Spider-Man video games? I did not. I did not bulk up. Did you get to that Garfield level? Did you get Garfield jacked?

Did you garf it? I did not get that jacked for the role. Although I did do the motion capture for it. Oh, neat. I did, but it required no preparation at all. Wait, did you just have to do the – when you say you did the motion capture for it, did you just do the motion capture for like a scene where Peter Parker is talking to Aunt May? Or were there any parts where you had to jump around like Spider-Man?

So I was looking forward to the jumping around like Spider-Man bits. But when we got to those bits, they were like, okay, Sam, you're done. Thanks so much. Bring in Garfield. But I got to do one scene. Garfield comes in, he's like, oh, I hate Mondays. Wait, that's the Garfield you mean, right? Yes.

Retroactively. Let's go back in the podcast and make that my intent, not Andrew Garfield, the bad Spider-Man. No, no, no. Garfield, I loved his turn as Spider-Man. It was between Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield. They were both great Spider-Men. They were both great Spider-Men. Yeah.

A lot of good takes on a classic character. I did get to tackle a woman in the mo-cap thing. Oh, wow. I got to jump off of a small tower made out of apple boxes and jump onto a woman and tackle her. Was it the kind where you wear a ping-pong ball on your nose? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, not on my nose, but yeah. How do they know where your nose is twitching when you smell crime? If you look at that game, his nose is just all over the place. They didn't invent that until after. Fucking messed up. The woman you tackled was a stunt performer? She was a stunt person, yes. Okay.

And she was intimidating and she told me to jump on her as hard as I could. Wow. And that I could not on her as hard as I could. Wow. And that I could not harm her. You cannot harm me. That's what she said to me. Wow. And I took that as a challenge. Now that's a Thor move.

Yeah. I took it as a challenge. I tried to knock the shit out of her and I failed. Wow. She was totally fine. What character was she playing or was it just kind of a general, they're going to map a lot of different villains or things? She was a, I think a tough, just a tough, a Russian tough. Okay, sure.

That worked for, I don't know, geez. Juggernaut? I don't know. I don't know anything about games or movies. Yeah, maybe more likely Tombstone. Okay. Maybe a Tombstone. The pizza company?

Yes, yeah. It's a villain in the Spider-Man universe. One of the Sinister Six, so there's Tombstone, the Red Baron. Right. Shit, I don't know more Frozen Pizza Company. Little Caesar. Little Caesar, yes, great. Let's keep this going.

Domino. Domino, of course. Yeah. And Papa John is their leader. Oh, he is. Regular Papa John. Regular, yeah. Papa John from the commercials, the guy, Papa John, that guy. Oh, he is. Regular Papa John. Regular, yeah. Papa John from the commercials, the guy, Papa John, that guy.

I think that's six. Yeah. It might not be. But listen, that's about as funny as that's going to get. So, okay. So a lot of Marvels in the world of cosplay. There was still some straggler Game of Thrones-ies. Right.

Sure. in the world of cosplay. There was still some straggler Game of Thrones-ies. Right, sure. But they didn't seem to be getting the respect that they were expecting before the last couple episodes of the season dropped. Maybe some mixed... I think they were working on those costumes all year, maybe. Yeah. Thinking, like, this is my year.

I'm going to roll up as everybody's favorite character, Daenerys. Yep. And then they got there, well, they got to the end of the series, and they're like, shit, now I can't. People are mad. Yeah, the Game of Thrones guys bailed on it from what I heard. That's the rumor.

They bailed at the last minute. They're like, we don't need this. We have 75 Star Wars movies to make. Right, sure. Yeah, so there's a lot of lonely Game of Thronesies out there. But I respect the people sticking with it even though maybe it was not the most – yeah, I respect it. And maybe think that we all had a fun time with Game of Thrones. Yeah.

Remember the good times. Maybe the – perhaps the dismount could have been handled a little differently. Sure, sure. But didn't we all have a nice time with the Game of Thrones? Yeah, that shit ruled. Yeah. That shit was great. It was.

It really was. But it's going to forever be sort of marred by the Game of Thrones. Yeah, that shit ruled. Yeah. That shit was great. It was. It really was. But it's going to forever be sort of marred by the last two hours. Yeah, it's weird. The legacy will be really weird. I wonder how we will all talk about Game of Thrones in a couple of years, whether we'll just be talking about that ending no one liked or the other stuff. Or Hodor. Oh, yeah.

He was down there. He was down there. Oh, that's right. Hodor DJs. He played a party that no one could get into featuring DJ Hodor. You know what's fucking amazing? I feel like the two biggest bear DJs in the world are Bob Mould from Husker Du and Hodor. Those guys are like the European and American.

They DJ bear parties. This is true. I'm not making this up. Bob Mould. The gay subculture. The gay subculture. Yeah. They will DJ for like 25,000 screaming, sweating fans.

Wow. To the point where you're like, I know that Bob Mould is one of the most important figures in alternative rock history. And Hodor is a key character. He held the door once. He did hold the door once. He's a key character on one of the world's most popular television programs of the last decade or so. Maybe the most popular television program of the last decade. Yet they somehow have had more successful careers as edm djs specifically

for bears which i think honestly fucking rules like that is a niche dream career transition it's about following momentum right right i mean like like your squad when you got done with that first game in dnd let's harness this Let's see where it goes. Yeah. And we just kept going. When you find yourself at a bear EDM party and you're like, this feels right. This feels where I need to be right now. Yeah. Spinning the ones and twos.

In this sea of beards. You just cut the legs off your jeans. Fucking rules. Do you guys, when the D&D crew goes down to, and you were there for other things too, like you were there for your voice directing jobs and stuff like that. Yeah, I work on DuckTales. We had a DuckTales panel. It was fun.

Lin-Manuel Miranda was there, a surprise guest. On the DuckTales panel? He's a cast member of the show. This is a, Lin-Manuel Miranda, I think we can all agree, brilliant genius. And you and I have met him. I don't mean to cut you out, but a very nice man in our experience. Super warm heart. We talked about it beforehand.

He has truly championship level just fucking done that thing where he has a signature perfect achievement in the perfect musical that he wrote and starred in uh and he has just been fucking calling his agent and being like you know what i want to do and it works every time yeah it is the it is like speaking of career turns that are perfect yeah like that is the becoming a celebrity EDM bear DJ of acting, as far as I'm concerned, is being like, yeah, well, I want to be on fucking DuckTales. I want to be Burton Mary Poppins and on DuckTales.

He can literally do anything. Anything that strikes his fancy that day. Is he Gyro Gearloose? He is Gizmoduck. He is Gizmoduck. Fenton. Fenton Crackshell Cabrera, yeah. He's Gizmoduck. Okay. He is Gizmoduck. Fenton. Okay. Fenton Crackshell Cabrera, yeah. Okay, yeah. He's Gizmoduck and he loves it.

And the first day he recorded with us, he really wanted to sing like the theme song. He wanted to do something. I think we would all want to sing the theme song if we – But we were forbidden from that because to get him to sing for a property now costs a lot of money. Oh, wow. I don't even think he knows that. So there's a different rate for talking v. singing. Yes.

You're like, don't open your fucking mouth, Miranda, unless it's to say normal words. Don't even speak in a sing-song manner. You cannot rhyme, sir. We will be bankrupt. If any of his lines accidentally rhyme, they have to go out and cut them out. That's right. So yeah, so you were there,

but when the D&D crew goes, do you guys play in front of an audience or is it more of a Q&A type thing? So we sometimes do. We go to Gen Con every year and we do a live show where we go out on stage to an excited, enthusiastic,

rock style audience ready for some D&D. And we sit down at tables, at folding tables, and we play for four hours. Wow. Four hours? Wow. Yes. Four hours? And there is a gigantic crowd of rabid fans who we love who stick through it.

That's amazing. Are there intermissions like the 1960s around the world in 80 days? Like is this a road show situation? There is an intermission. Giving people a chance to buy some popcorn or – I think it's more like an Indian wedding, right? Those go on for a long time. So you guys all can ride in on elephants.

But you don't – have you guys been to Indian weddings? I have not, no. My colleague just visited – just went to one. He is Indian-American and just went to one and told me about all the wild-ass shit. It sounds fucking great. So much stuff. But also like it would bankrupt any set of parents ever. Yeah.

But so much stuff happens and it takes forever. The only one that I've ever been to, I was surprised pleasantly that it's OK to just like get up and leave for a while during the wedding and like go out and find some refreshments, take a walk and then come back when you're ready. And I feel like that's how our games are when we do these live shows. If someone wants to get up and walk around and not listen, that's fine. Yeah, maybe the rock show is a good analogy. You know, if you want to go to the bar, go to the bathroom, you know, you can. It's like a festival. Sure. Do people camp?

They line up early. Yeah. Yeah. When you do a live show like that in front of a bunch of people, do you have to keep in mind the current continuity of the game or is it like a what if situation in or out of canon oh well so gen con is always in canon live streamed so the show the show we broadcast live and it is in canon and it is it is difficult

to pull off um we've done a couple other live shows in fact fact, we do one in Los Angeles. We did one at the Ace Hotel this past January that was – This is like a 1,000-seat venue. Yeah. 1,900 seats. I saw Elvis Costello there. Yeah. I think the biggest audience we played to was in New York. We played to a 3,800-seat –

Wow. Jiminy Christmas. Four hours of D&D. It was full. That's amazing. That is so fucking cool. Yeah. Jiminy Christmas. Four hours of D&D. It was full. That's amazing. That is so fucking cool. Is it, though? Is it cool?

I think, yes, it's cool. Amazing. Should we use amazing? It's amazing. Let's say amazing. It's incredible. Yeah, let's say amazing. And we love it.

It's like the highlight of our years is to do these live shows and to feel like rock stars for a moment, a brief moment. Yes. Elvin rock stars for a moment, a brief moment. Yes. Elven rock stars. But it is much easier to put on, as you are so apt to notice, it is much easier to do an out of canon, what if, like take a favorite characters and pit them against each other or do like a side quest or something or a back in time sort of a thing. Way easier to do that than to have to deal with actual canon stuff at a live show. God, it's so hard to deal with canons at the live show.

I have the same problem when I'm playing the 1812 Overture. Sure, yeah. I was going to say, I have a hard time with canons on stage when I'm doing the live version of Wild N' Out featuring Nick Cannon. I think that's what I was getting at. I don't know if he hosted that show. I think he did. Yeah, he did.

Cool. I think you're correct on that. Well, good for me. Can I say that I have the same problem with that when I am doing live screenwriting of sequels to- Maybe you shouldn't have done this third one. This is a rich bit. Yeah, let's see.

Rule of threes. You could have gone with the Canon camera maker, but you're going with something way cooler. I want to hear what this is. When I'm making cameras on stage. I took the wind out of your sails.

No, what was it going to be? I'm sorry. It was just going to be K-Canon. Oh. Writer of Pitch Perfect? Yeah. That would have been good. I'm sorry. That's a really good one.

You know what? She's a nice woman. I jumped on that. She's very talented. Very funny. I jumped on that like Sam jumping on a stuntman. Excuse me, stuntwoman. Excuse me, stuntperson.

The good news is both I and K-Canon are invulnerable. Oh, good. You can't harm? Sure. You have nothing you can do to harm us. Oh, good. You can't harm? Sure. Nothing you can do to harm us. That's good. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica.

It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, Jordan. la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, Jordan. Yes, Jesse. Every week, Jordan Jesse Goh is brought to our kind listeners by all of the members of MaximumFun.org, and particularly those members of MaximumFun.org who listen to this program. All the folks who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate.

This week, we're also brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Hiring is challenging, but there's one place you can go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. That's three things we like. Yeah. I like two out of three. Oh, you're not a fan of fast? You're going to have to guess which one it is.

You're more of a furious guy. That place where hiring is simple, fast, and smart is Zip Recruiter. It sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. That place where hiring is simple, fast, and smart is ZipRecruiter. It sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invites them to apply for your job. Jordan, can I ask you a serious question? I would love that. This is a question of great import.

Yes. How effective is ZipRecruiter? It's so effective that four out of five employers who post on the ZipRecruiter site get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. That's incredible. And it says here, right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. It occurs to me, JJGo, well, that's the initials of our program. That's the one. Well, technically, JJG would be, but go is such a short word, you might as well throw in that O there.

It sounds a little better, too. Is there an extra charge for the O for our listeners? Yes, we've been charging them for the O this whole time. For this almost 600 episodes, you've been charged. But if they call in, they can get a refund on that if they call their credit card company. Yes, just call it a fraudulent charge. Jordan, we also have a live show coming up right here in the City of Angels. Yes.

Los Angeles, California. That's the one. We have a show going down 724. That's Wednesday. We have a show going down 7-24, that's Wednesday So if you're listening to this on Tuesday or Wednesday There's still time to get down to the Angel City Brewery

In downtown LA to see us with A pretty spectacular lineup actually Yeah, it's about as good as it gets podcasting wise Given that Sam Riegel's not going to be here That's true, Sam Riegel is You know what, Sam Riegel, invited guest Wow Yeah, you want to stop by?

I haven't really been listening. Well, if you wanted to, you could come join us and – I'm actually – I'm going to amend my invitation. Remember earlier when I invited Sam Riegel? I do. Sam Riegel is not invited, but Jordan, Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney is invited. If Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney would like to offer an objection at some point. You'll get no objection here.

We got the Doughboys, Mike Mitchell and Nick Weiger, music and goofing around from the great Allie Gertz, she of the Everything's Coming Up Simpsons podcast. Yeah, and our buddies from Rocket Jump are going to be doing story break to open up the show. They're going to do – on that program, they make a screenplay pitch out of pop culture properties that should not be screened. I mean at this point, what even qualifies as something that shouldn't be a screenplay? Sure. I think that probably Grape Nuts is sold as a treatment form at this point. Kind of an irreverent self-aware Grape Nuts.

Yeah, exactly. He knows he's nuts. He's not afraid to tell you. You can get a ticket to that show at MaximumFun.org slash Summer Boys of Summer. I believe the door's at 7. Shows at 8 at the Angel City Brewery. This is the grand finale of the Summer Boys of Summer. I believe the door's at 7. Shows at 8 at the Angel City Brewery. This is the grand finale of the Summer Boys of Summer tour, Jordan. Yeah.

This is going to be going off. I will be performing the 1812 Overture. Oh, my. We'll be bringing in the heavy artillery for that, so duck and cover. I'll be insulting Nick Cannon's mother. Oh, we do have a song from Amy Mann that'll be. Oh. Right.

Special surprise. Yeah. She will not be there in person, but there will be a special video message from Amy Mann. Oscar nominee? Winner? Yeah, sure. Yes. Let's just say winner.

Let's say winner. She's got all the... She's probably an EGOT at this point. Amy Mann has prepared a special video that you will be able to see first at that show. Oh, man. It's going to be the debut of a very special song. This is something that was promised to Jordan and Jesse Go listeners in the last Max Fun Drive. It's going to be its world premiere.

And I will say, I'm not going to get in too deep about the specifics because we're avoiding them for some reason. Yeah. I don't remember what it is. It's more fun, I guess. Okay. But it might not be. Who knows? I'm not going to get into too many specifics,

but she wrote a song about Jordan's cat. Yes. And it's going to be debuting. That's right. Our Max Fun colleague, Amy Mann, from the Art of Process podcast, who is also one of America's most celebrated singer-songwriters, wrote a song about Jordan's cat, Bug.

Yes. Wow. She recorded a video of her playing it. It's very beautiful. As you might imagine. Yeah, just like Bug. So we'll be debuting that video at the Angel City Brewery Wednesday, 7-24. You get those tickets at MaximumFun.org slash Summer Boys of Summer.

It'll be a very special show. My mom and stepdad Brad might come. Oh, shit. Wow. That's a hard maybe. They said maybe. Jordan stepdad Brad might come. Oh, shit. Wow. That's a hard maybe? They said maybe. Jordan, we can do- I asked them.

We got to do one of these days when we have a live show in Los Angeles. We got to do Jordan sings a song with stepdad Brad accompanying on the trombone. Oh, yeah. He might like to do that. It might be fun for him. I think that'd be pretty fun. It'd be fun for him. I think that'd be a nice piece of business.

Nice to see Brad. It's always nice to see a nice man. If mom can get off work in time, they're going to come up here to see the show. It's that important. Have they ever been to a Jordan and Jesse Go show? Your mom's been to one time, right? I don't know. I saw her once.

My sister's been a couple times. But no, I don't think my mom has been. Does she know what we do on the show? No. Calls it the blog. Calls the podcast the blog. Is this a concern at all? Like I'm always worried that –

Oh, that maybe she thinks it's something else. My mom will accidentally come to this show at Sketch Fest instead of coming to Judge Sean Hodgman or Bullseye. Right. Which she understands pretty well. eye. Right. Which she understands pretty well. Or my dad, you know, my dad can come to this show, but I still would prefer for him to come to see, as he calls it, your friend

Houseman. Oh, I'm going to go see your friend Houseman. That's really funny. No, I think my mom and stepdad will be confused. But I think they'll have a good time. They're good folks. Yeah, they have real positive attitudes. They get it. I mean, it's no Bridge of Spies.

No, you're right. Our podcast is no Bridge of Spies. That's a great tagline. An austere, late-period Spielberg. Okay, we'll talk to you in just a second. I'll join Jesse Gough. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,'m Sam Riegel, the Walmart guy. I didn't know I was supposed to do that. No, no. Just now.

You did great. The Walmart guy, honestly, is fucking perfect. Yeah. That's pretty premium. It's really good. Yeah. The Walmart guy. Suck it, Target guy. Sorry, Target guy. Sorry. Hey, I'm Big K Mart all the way. Oh, Big K. Nice.

Thank you very much. It's me, Marshall from Marshall. He's like Papa John's from Papa John's. Yep, that's me. I'm Marshall. Why is TJ- Buy some slightly damaged pants in me. Do you need an irregular fork?

It's me, Marshall. Are you allergic to the stuff they spray on clothes to keep them from wrinkling? Well, great news. You're going to be in hives the second you walk through my door. Did you know that TJ Maxx, you know, the Marshall's equivalent, TJ Maxx, is called TK Maxx in the UK? That's fun. What does TJ mean? They also had to change the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles.

Right, yes. So what does TJ mean in England that it can't be spoken in their – I mean my first thought is it probably means ninja. Sure. I don't know if that's – They spell it ginger? To ginger, yes. Oi, you're to ginger, mate.

Oi, gov. You're to ginger. Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots. It's Cockney rhyming slang for ninja. Oi, ginger. In Cockney it rhymes. Incognito rhymes. Yeah, it does.

Oi, hey, you to ginger, mate? Anyway. It's me, Young Einstein. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. It's Yahoo Serious.

Yahoo Serious. The name of the actor and the character. He made another movie. I looked him up on Wikipedia. No, he did not. Yeah. Other than Young Einstein? Wikipedia. No, he did not. Yeah. Other than Young Einstein?

In addition to Young Einstein. Wow. Around the same time? Yeah. He doesn't have a lot of credits in the last decade or so. No. But he's kind of quiet. He's lying in wait. He has an interesting voice as a voiceover person.

Yeah. That seems like an untapped resource. Yeah. Right? You know what? But why hire him when you can just get a Yahoo! series impression together? There's a proud tradition.

There's a proud tradition in cartoon voiceover where children's cartoons in particular, some of the characters are just an actor doing an impression of an actor from 30 years previous. Yes, you are not incorrect

about that. I think 80% of most voice actors' reels are bad impressions of other people's roles. But that lacks a certain authenticity. You want the real Yahoo! Sirius. Yeah, that's true. I feel like kids can tell the difference.

Kids will know Yahoo! Right. We don't want any Yahoo simulacra. No. This is a very – you're here on an important day, Sam. Oh, how – Maybe the most important day in Jordan Jesse Go history. Because of the hot guitar licks that are still going on outside?

No, because of the absence of importance of anything else we've ever done in the 12 years we've been doing this show. And I am just getting word that they have moved on to Megadeth. So that's just a little update from Confusion Fest. Wow, it's face-melting. So we have a popular slash unpopular segment called The Coliseum

where we survey the listeners and have a kind of a friendly competition to see who can get the closest in a listener survey. So we survey our listeners for a variety of things, kind of with the, you know, the kind of subtext being that we've done this show for a while and we kind of know the audience. I think as it turns out, I do not know the audience.

I have not been doing well at this game. But we've been having a lot of fun. I think you just didn't know how many people have been on a submarine. Sure. Yeah, that was my most embarrassing defeat is I did not know that like hundreds and hundreds of our listeners have been on submarines. I would have been right with you. I assume that only 30,000 people in the world have ever been on a submarine.

Yeah. Like a true military submarine. You guys are landlubbers and I'm a man of the sea. Right. Right. Of the proud sea.'m a man of the sea. Right. Right. Of the proud sea. An old man of the sea. So we are bringing the segment to a close.

We've had a lot of fun. Brian, I guess you, our producer Brian Fernandez, has been collecting some data. And I guess has, Brian, you have some kind of highlights from the Coliseum. Do you want to share those with us? Yeah. I sort of did a history of the Coliseum here. Jesus Christ. I mean, if you want... What is this, Grantland?

Well, I'll say that we'll just... I won't give all the numbers, I guess, but I... You can put the numbers on MaximumFun.org, right? Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, we can do that. Oh, the raw data for your fans to, like, cull through? We got, the raw data for your fans to call through.

We got a lot of data heads in the audience. Yeah, sure. We're going to need to know everybody's war. Right. Wins above replacement. So what do we got? What are some of your faves, Brian? So the highest-

Moneyball. The highest number are the subs. We had a total after every- Because people keep emailing in. After we announce the number on the show after we throw it out there, people keep, because they listen later on. So we have our grand total was 480 subs. Wow. And now, Brian, how many hoagies and how many grinders?

Split 50-50. Wow, okay. It's a regional thing. Yeah. Those people who have been on submarines. People who have been on submarines? People who have been on submarines. Wow. I mean.

Well, because there are dry docked submarines. Okay. There are submarines that we, but we specifically excluded the submarines at theme parks. You have to. Those are not, those are on tracks. We talked about real submarines that you can really go in. Sure. Wow.

Yeah. That's a lot. James Cameron listens. I mean, that's why we brought go in. Sure. Wow. Yeah. That's a lot. James Cameron listens. I mean, that's why we brought it up in the first place. Second highest is people who have ridden on elephants. That's 210. Yeah. That's such a huge gap, too, between elephant and submarine.

Yeah. And elephants are wildly easier to mount and to be on than a submarine. Sure. We have many more listeners in the silent service than in Indian weddings. Sure, sure. Then we had 119 people in a cover band. Okay. And 115 fezzes, people who own fezzes.

Here's what happened with the fezzes. Okay. Sam, it turns out one of the Doctor Whos wears a Fez at one point. Okay. And that skewed the numbers completely. Oh. That completely- Yeah.

You couldn't have first seen that. Somebody sent me a picture of a business that sells at cons, travels the con country, selling at cons that only sells Fezzes. Wow. And it's like it's like a big they have a big display. It's like when you see

one of those trade show things and you're like this is crazy. It's that but it's all Fezzes. I drove by a lacrosse store today and I thought how does that place

stay in business? I would think the same thing of the Fez guy. I actually I can explain that. Okay. business? I would think the same thing of the Fez guy. I actually can explain that. They also do Jai Lai. Sure. And then the biggest jump percentage-wise from the day we did that episode to then now, people keep calling in and like, oh, I've been meaning to call in, is, of course, drug drugs. Oh, that's great.

We have doubled our number of drug drugs. We had 36 that first week, and now we're at 78. Hey! We're more than doubled. All right. How many Juggalos did we end up with? Total Juggalos were, they actually didn't move that much. We had 13.

Okay. It's a fun Juggalo-y number. Sure, sure. I'm just curious. It's a pride of lions. It's a murder of crows. What do you call a group of juggalos together? Right.

A fago of juggalos? Yep, a fago of juggalos. A squish? A stab, a stab of juggalos. And then, well, so that week we did juggalos versus Slavs. How many Slavic people do we have? And particularly we had one listener in Bosnia who thought she was the only listener. Yeah, she's been taunting on Twitter.

And it turns out our second Bosnian listener emailed in. Hey! We thought there might be a second based on the downloads. And it's a guy named Dino, and he's been doing his fieldwork there for his master's. But he can only account for a couple of, like, half of the other side of the downloads, so there may be a third. So he doesn't listen regularly. Well, he does, but he hasn't been in Bosnia for that long. He's mostly back home in Bedrock.

Yeah, so there's a Phantom Third Slav. Yeah. Wow. The Phantom Slav. That's our John home in bedrock. Yeah. So there's a Phantom Third Slav. Yeah. Wow. The Phantom Slav. That's our John Grisham novel. And then we have somebody called. So one of our call outs was how many people have met or interacted with somebody from the Buffy universe?

Yeah. I bet Sam Riegel has. I work with Allison Hannigan all the time. Yeah. She's from the show Buffy. Yes. Oh, we'll add another number to that list. No, you have to cross it out.

Sam Riegel does not listen to this podcast. I also went to high school with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Wow. There you go. Cool. I was madly in love with her. I get it. I get it. I get it.

And she would call me to ask my advice about what boy she should date. Oh, Sam, that's so cute. I was the best friend. Teenage friends owned by Sarah Michelle Gellar. And Felicia Day, too. Oh, yes, of course. Anyway, so you're lousy with Buffy-averse people. Yeah.

So speaking of all those, we've got a call from somebody who had a relatively- They had anonymous sex with the British guy with the glasses. Giles. Oh, somebody called and said they talked to Giles in Bath, where he lives in Bath. Whoa. They see him in town, and he was buying something at a store or a restaurant, and the guy was upset that he didn't know his name. He's like, I'm famous. You should know my name.

Wow. Okay. But this is a call we got from somebody who had an interaction with somebody in the Buffy universe. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Tani. Jordan, Jessie Go, this is Tawny. I have a experience with a member from

Buffy the Vampire Slayer for your survey. So I worked at a diner in Vancouver and Eliza Dushku, I believe her name, she played Faith in Buffy. I'd only ever seen one episode of Buffy and she was in it. So I was like, oh, I know that girl.

So she was sitting in the diner. I don't think I was her server, but I did notice her constantly staring at me and I was like, what's your deal? So I kind of just would smile at her and then pass by. And then this one time she just got really like intense eye contact with me. got really like intense eye contact with me and uh i sort of looked back at her and she just started tapping her boob and i was like uh i looked at her boob because i was like am i supposed to look at her boob and then i looked at her and then she just sort of like looked at me more intently and tapped her boob and then sort of looked at mine. And so then I looked down at mine, and I had a giant string of cheese hanging off of it. Plates of cheeseburgers up my arm, like three at a time.

And I guess my boob was resting on one cheeseburger and took the cheese off it, and it just dangled there for a few minutes, and she was nice enough to let me know. Okay, guys, thanks so much. Love the show. Bye. Yeah, that rules. Douche Coup's great. What a cool

class act. That's what I was looking for. Douche Coup's a class act. Yeah, she's the type of person who will point at, not at, she didn't point at the server's breast. No. Because that's rude. Right. She took it on herself. I, by the way, will be tapping my boobs during my performance of the 1812 breast. No. Because that's rude. Right. She took it on herself. I, by the way,

will be tapping my boobs during my performance of the 1812 Overture. Sure, in time. Yeah. Uh-huh. Well, that's great. So let's get to

the business at hand. And our last, for our final for now coliseum, we were seeing who could get the closest to one listener. So we were saying

that who could get the closest to one listener. Zero immediately disqualified, but then it's closest to one. Jesse, you said? I said how many people who were listening to the show on a boat that they were either the captain or the first mate of. That seems limiting. Yeah, well, I didn't want, and not just like,

and not just do you have listened to the – at that time. Actively piloting a vessel. As I said, those words were on a boat that they were first or second in command of. And I included ferries. Sure. Any notable vessel. Sea vessel. Sea vessel. Yeah.

Sailing or motorized. And if it's a riverboat, that's fine too. Oh, yeah. And I said who has had a sexual experience at a Six Flags. Not just in passionate kissing, but any kind of like contact, you know, genital to genital contact, mouth to genital or, you know, anything like with- Full penetration. Full penetration.

Sure, sure, sure. Anything in the bathing suit area. Now, Jordan, we learned some things on Reddit after you issued that challenge. Well, I've learned a lot of things on Reddit. Yeah. For instance. Yeah.

Three bad things. One of the things that I learned is that there is a six flag. There are two different six flags, at least two identified by redditors that have campgrounds oh well and if there's campgrounds there's gonna be fucking yeah like this is very different from fucking on superman the ride sure camp and fuck both have four letters coincidence i think not notes on camp notes on fuck. Thanks, Susan Fucktag.

The other thing that I found that I realized that our listeners pointed out was potentially damaging to your chances of winning this thing is that you did not exclude employees. Right. Yeah. That's going to be my – I think that'll be my ultimate undoing. I think I was shooting for laughs above accuracy, and I think I'm done for

regardless, but no, that's okay. We're having fun. I'm rooting for you still. Thank you, Sam. I appreciate that. Who knows? You could pull it out at the last minute. I think my only chance here is for Jesse to zero out, just for there to be no captains. It's very possible. Sure.

I think you've got at least 50-50 shot. I think so, too. I feel good about it. I may have gone too narrow. But Sam, as a voice actor, of course, you know how often at work things can get romantic. I mean, think of the number of times you've hooked up with Maurice LaMarche. Veteran journeyman voice actor Maurice LaMarche. Veteran journeyman voice actor Maurice LaMarche.

Mel Blanc Jr. and you had quite the torrid affair in the late 1980s. Dee Bradley Baker does a lot of animal noises. He's the animal between the sheets. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

H-fuck Benjamin. Brian, let's get those. H, fuck Benjamin. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Brian, let's get those final numbers. Sure. Oh, do you guys want to talk about the falling in love on an airplane from Jen Kirkman? Oh, yeah. Jen Kirkman wanted to know.

Let's address that first. This is kind of a, what's the thing that's not league play? This is an exhibition match. How many people have fallen in love on an airplane? What did we get? Yeah, so we had four different people who have met their future spouse on an airplane. Fuck! One was people who were starting the Peace Corps at the same time,

and they sat next to each other on their flight out. Cute. A couple other people, Toronto to San Francisco five years later, were married with a kid Another guy was They were on a basketball trip And she was a cheerleader And he was in the basketball band

A tale as old as time They've been married for six years Have eight month old twins By the way, you know what a basketball band is? That's a band that only plays basketball by Curtis Blow Oh, sure Or round ball rock by John Tesh Oh, that's entertainment tonight

Basketball is my favorite sport I love the way they dribble up and down the court How does round ball rock go? Cannons! Someone else said they witnessed someone else... Oh, there we go. They witnessed someone else fall in love

on the flight. Like a three-seat row situation? No, they were sitting across the way and they watched the two people on the other side fall in love. Oh, that's cute. Midway through the flight, the lady

put up the armrest and snuggled into him. Cute. Wow. They both pulled out stinky food. They could have been married already and that was some weird kinky role play thing that they do every flight. You went to Sbarro, You went to Sbarro.

I went to Sbarro. And they both just nom a big ziti next to each other. Nom, nom. And then poke each other's genitals under the blanket. Hot. So, yeah. By the way, all of Jordan's most romantic experiences involve going to a Six Flags, nomomming a big Z, and poking genitals under a blanket, under a stiff airline blanket.

I'm a man who knows what he likes. If it wasn't stiff before, it's stiff now. That's right. Because of the cum. I came on it. Anyway, can I have some pretzels? No. Coming on those two. Brian, what do we get? Yes. Anyway, can I have some pretzels? No.

Coming on those two. Brian, what do we get? Yes. Okay, so now, so you're right in that we had a great deal of sex at amusement parks. Okay, but six flags. Six flags, though. So we had some extracurriculars at other amusement parks. Somebody fucked in a geodesic dome at Epcot. Wow.

Oh, blowjob. Sorry, not a fuck. That's okay. Thank you for that correction. Yeah. I want to be correct, accurate here. And then we had a couple of second basers, but we don't count those. No.

But nice to know. Yeah. And then, let's see. And then we had- Boob tappers. Boob tappers. Let's keep doing a little douche cooing. Let me see if there's a couple to highlight.

A lot of people, just very short and succinct. Six Flags America in line for Superman, Ride of Steel, digital penetration. Wow. Good. I worked at a Six Flags and a nice young lady put her mouth on my genitals. In my days, we used to just do analog penetration. Right. sure. A couple people, one couple specifically wanted to,

one, they wanted him to finger her, a woman wanted her boyfriend to finger her on a roller coaster because of the Mark Wahlberg movie Fear. Oh, sure. Where I guess they do that. Wow. Yeah. I remember that.

So they wanted to try to recreate that. Right. Don't we all? For some reason, I really, truly in my head completed that sentence as, because of the Mark Wahlberg hamburger chain Wahlberg. And I don't know why my head, it was like when you're typing on your phone and it suggests something and you're like. Suggests a text, yeah.

Yeah, that's grammatically coherent. But not so much – Does Mark Wahlberg own a chain of restaurants? I think his brothers, he and his brothers do. Yeah, I think there's a Wahlberg family burger chain. That was the subject of a reality show that I ate at the Boston airport recently. Wow. And I got to say, 100%-

Wahlberg. No. The patties. The patties are 100% Wahlberg. Guy Fieri at the Burbank airport, my preferred airport hamburger, has destroyed Wahlbergers at Boston Logan. Wow. Destroyed. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. A couple people took this opportunity to talk about other places that they fucked in public. Cool. Any opportunity, you can jump on that. Someone said, yeah, yeah, the Six Flags thing applies to me, so put me down for that, but I've got something even better.

I've had a true sexual experience. Seven Flags. Yes. He said, I have had a true sexual experience involving the Holy Trinity of private parts, which is what we were specifying, in the White House. What? What?

Was this listener Bill Clinton? And then another guy who was from the UK. I'm just going to read what he wrote because it was poetry. I'm a UK resident. We don't have six flags, but I've had intercourse in every chain place and loads of indies. Also loads of finger blasting at every amusement park in the UK.

Anal at Legoland. Anal at Legoland! That is the greatest name for an autobiography. Anal at Legoland! Anal at Legoland, the Sam Riegel story. As read by Jordan Morris as Jack McBrayer. I'm permabanned from being a groomsman by other friends after getting thrown out of a church for fucking by the organ just before a wedding.

Oof. Okay. I have had multiple warnings for sexual intercourse at work, the Vatican, Stonehenge. It's a shorter list. He worked at the Vatican? No, those are other places that he just visited it's a short list of unusual places that i haven't fucked so he's been everywhere he's got a i mean no he's traveled he's done his share man no judgment no judgment but that is

that's a compulsion sure yes this is seems to be more than just let's spice things up. Yeah, this has grown into a concern, I would say. But, you know, I'm sure. Yeah, I fucked while hunting the most dangerous game. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we call the hard target. The Van Damme version of that movie.

Jordan! Jordan! Punches a snake in the face in that movie. It's fucking great. hard target holds up um all right well let's think let's talk final numbers let's talk final numbers um okay so we have uh so the total for sex in a six flags was 15 wow okay um you know what i would have been a pretty good guess as far as just for a normal round. Can I tell you, end of the day, moral of the story here, Tuppies fuck.

Yeah, sure. And they get horny by Looney Tunes licensing. The smell of a funnel cake. Okay. So now on the other side of things, we have a couple decisions to make in terms of whether or not Jesse's going to zero out. So I'm going to play a call here and you can tell me what you guys think. If it starts with yar, he wins.

Hey, Sunny D. This is John in Florida. I was just listening to the most recent episode of Jordan, Jesse Go. As I was collecting the ice and the bar equipment that I needed to work a cruise on the cruise boat on which I am the first mate and bartender. I got right up to the part where you guys got to the Coliseum. I had to pause it to work my shift. And as soon as we got the boat empty from our customers today, I put my headphones back in and walked off the boat. And technically, I was not on the boat when I heard Jesse's call for First Mates or Captain.

But right after I was on the boat, I was listening. I don't know if that counts. I guess that's something they can argue about on the show. I got to say, first and foremost, I don't know if Furtzmae should also be bartender. Yeah. Seems like a divergent set of skills. Does the captain call you that sarcastically? They just, in the job interview, they're like, all right, which one's Port and which one's

Starboard? Yeah. Can you tie an O'Reilly? Sure. They tie an O'Reilly and they're like, okay, what about making a Tom Collins? Right. What about a mixer and'Reilly? Sure. They tie an O'Reilly and they're like, okay, what about making a Tom Collins? Right. What's a mixer in a Tom Collins? Wow.

No, I don't think that counts. I'm going to be honest. Well, but to be fair, I mean, the gentleman wants to do his job professionally. He can't be listening to a podcast while he's serving drinks. That's true. I mean, I said that we're listening to it on the boat. If he had said, I put my headphones in and pressed play as I was walking off the boat, I might say even a gangplank. A gangplank?

It's part of the boat. That's part of the boat. That might count. I might be willing to count that. But I do feel like if he's ashore, I can't claim that as a victory. I would feel like I was doing my friend Jordan dirty. Like I was finger banging him at a six legs. Sure.

There's one more. Okay. It just depends on if you count it as a boat that he can be a captain of. He was kayaking at the time. So does a kayak count? No, a kayak doesn't count. Well, he is piloting a vessel. It's on the water. Yeah, but you need a

I think a captain is something you need a license for. You don't need a license. You can just rent a kayak. Sure. Sure. But yeah, you had said you were pretty inclusive of the type of vessels. That's true. River cruises. Brian, I'm going to refer to

your memory of what I said because I had to be reminded what I had picked before we started this segment. This is tough. Yeah, this is really tough. A lot of wiggle room here. Yeah. Much like at a Six Flags. A lot of wiggle room there apparently. Yeah.

Room to wiggle. What do you think? I'm not emotionally caught up in this. If you feel like kayak counts. I don't remember exactly what the words were that you said, Jesse. But my gut says that the kayak doesn't count. Well, I mean, I'm not going to controvert you. If he had said, if this person had said I was paddle boarding.

Right. I'd say no. The paddle board is. That's not a boat. That's not a boat. But a kayak does seem like a type of boat. It is a type. Sure. Okay. I'd say no. The paddleboard is... That's not a boat. That's not a boat. But a kayak does seem like a type of boat. It is a type, sure. Okay, wait. Hold on.

What are you going to? What is this? Is this a pocket constitution? Hey Siri, is a kayak a type of boat? Okay. I found this on the web for is a kayak a type of boat. Check it out.

Kayaks are a kind of boat that is slim and small. And that's right from MarineInsight.com. MarineInsight. Well, I am not going to argue with the fine folks at MarineInsight.com. I mean, to my mind, you've got to ask, is it a sit-on-top kayak, of course? Is it a touring kayak? Is it a touring kayak? Is it a recreational kayak? There's doubles, too. Doubles, sure.

Yeah. Wow. I mean, a canoe would count, right? I don't think. You wouldn't count a canoe? You say captaining a ship. It's a job. This kayak is a hobby.

But I also included, I just was meant rank. I just said rank, number one or number two on the boat. So to me, the question is, does it count as a boat? I'm arguing what the definition of captain is or first mate. Right. So you think if there's not any passengers, it's not. Yeah. But I specifically just said top two on the boat, didn't I, Brian?

Yeah, you said something like that. I think I was pretty clear about that. I said like rowboats counted, right? Didn't I say rowboats counted? I don't know. But yeah, I mean if we agreed upon rowboats, then kayak is in there too. What did I say about paddleboats? Did I say those counted?

I remember making a ruling. I think we talked about paddleboats counting. Yeah. Wow. Okay. That's even lamer than I think. Is this all that's left, Brian? There's one last call that sums everything

that sums the coliseum let's do pretty well yeah let's hear that okay it just goes hey jordan jesse and sunny d my name is dell i'm not a bronson and uh even though i wore bowling shoes throughout seventh grade even though i wore bowling shoes throughout 7th grade, even though I've ridden an elephant numerous times at a circus my Shriner grandfather worked at as a clown, even though that grandfather also willed me his fez and took me on a submarine, his name is Mike.

He's also not a Bronson. Even though I accidentally bought a drug rug in Cozumel one time thinking it was just a beach blanket, even though my best friend's dad also happens to be the guy who designed all the box art for the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV VHS releases. And even though I grew up in a remodeled 19th century tavern near an old graveyard and had plenty of supernatural experiences as a child, none of those things made me want to call in. But I think the final category demands my participation. So here we go. About a week before Halloween 1999,

a friend of mine tricked me into putting a group date down to Six Flags Great America for the Fright Fest. I was paired off with a girl I didn't really know and even as close as we were, crammed into the backseat of my friend's 1983 Chevrolet Celebrity, by the end of the day we were much closer.

That day started out like any other Six Flags. A midday thunderstorm that lasted until the evening had left the park pretty much empty. That day started out like any other six-month-old. What? The midday thunderstorm that lasted until the evening had left the park pretty much empty. Is this the moth? It's penthouse forums. Alt.sex.stories. And whoever was supposed to be in charge of the playlist must have joined them because the speakers around the park were only playing the Halloween

theme on repeat at what seemed like full volume. After one of the many times a Freddy Krueger jumped out at us from behind a garbage can or a bush or whatever our group got split up and my date and i ran into the demon roller coaster where are we 69 i'm not sure if it was the weather it's got to be right or the thrill of the roller coaster's climax but by our third straight time around the ride hands had found zippers i'm a, so I won't go into too many details, but a really good handjob takes place on a rollercoaster as far as I'm concerned.

That rainy day at Six Flags, I truly was. Hard as a rock, and wet as a river. Wow. Poetry. This is our official listener. The man who says he won't go into too many details. Also the man who says he won't go into too many details.

Also, the man who specified a 1983 Chevrolet Silverado. Remembered the car. Wow. Wow. Well, this man has replaced Hempus as our greatest listener. We have a juggalo listener named Hempus. Oh, that's great. And he was our favorite, and now he's fucking shit to us. Sorry, Hempus.

Because this guy rules. Oh, man. Sorry, Hempus. Well. That was just high quality writing. I mean, that was great writing. Yeah. He's good. This guy rules. Sorry, Hampus. That was just high quality writing. I mean, that was great writing. Yeah, he's good.

He's good. Well, the Coliseum is officially closed until we need something else to do and decide to do it again. Or until our tigers get hungry.

That's true. Yeah. Gotta feed something to them. Might as well be Christian. Sure. Yeah. You know, trying to bring down the Roman Empire. We had a lot of fun in the Coliseum. I think feed something to them. Might as well be Christian. Sure. Yeah. You know? Trying to bring down the Roman Empire.

We had a lot of fun in the Colosseum. I think we learned a lot. Sure. Do you have any reflections? Yeah. Well, I mean, the public sex thing is wild. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess it's more common than one would think. Yeah. You did a much better job of thinking of public sex questions. Sure. Yeah. Those were most of mine, honestly. Mine were mostly transportation related. Sure, yeah.

I basically have the mind of a four-year-old. These are the things that interest you guys. Yeah, choo-choo. We both were men of specific interests. Can I tell you what my son Oscar was running around the house naked yelling about two hours ago? Yes. Hey, guys, guys, let's play all the cute Pokemons. Let's play We Are the Cute Pokemons.

That's so cute. The cute Pokemons. He wants to be the cute Pokemon specifically. That's so cute. He wanted to be Pikachu, which seems like too obvious of a choice. It's extremely obvious. But it's also extremely cute. I just saw the Detective Pikachu movie.

Oh. It sounds cute. It's super cute. Yeah. I mean, you just want to squeeze that little guy. Yeah. I think you would make a good Pikachu. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Or a Squirtle. Because of my personality or just because of my talent? You would make a good Pikachu because of your talent. Sure. And you'd make a good Squirtle because of how good you are at squirting. Okay. Especially if Maurice LaMarche is around.

Sure, yeah. Oh, my God. Put Frank Welker on a roller coaster and I will just splooge all over the place. Billy West, what are you doing here? I think this just became a log ride. Flume. We're fl a log ride. Flume. We're fluming over here. Take your picture.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, I'm Graham. And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine. We love it here, and we'd love if you stopped by and visited us every week on Stop Podcasting Yourself here on MaximumFun.org. We're just a couple of doofuses from Canada. And listen to our show or perish. Stop podcasting yourself on maximum fun.org. Hi,

this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is wonderful. It's a podcast that we do as, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Wonderful. It's a podcast that we do as we are married. And how's the ad going so far? Because I think it's going very good. We talk about things we like every week on Wednesdays. One time Rachel talked about pumpernickel bread.

It was so tight. You cannot afford to miss her talking about this sweet brown bread. We also talk about music and poems and, you know, weather. There is one... Weather? One time Rachel talked about Baby Beluga, this song, for like 14 minutes and it just really blew my hair back. So check us out on MaximumFun.org.

It's a cool podcast with chill vibes. Amber is the color of our energy, is what all the iTunes reviews say. They will now. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio's Radio. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Oh, and hey, this is Sam Riegel. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Oh, and hey, this is Sam Regal. I own a fine rug.

You can stick with the Walmart man if you want to. Oh, I didn't know I had a Walmart man. It's solid. It's nice to know that you have a good rug. I do. Sam, thank you so much for being here. It's always so fun when you come to visit. Holy moly. You guys are so welcoming and inviting, and you seem to genuinely care about me and my

interests. We do. Yeah, no. so welcoming and inviting and you you seem to genuinely care about me and my interests we do yeah no and and and i you know i'm just using you to find out more about maurice what that guy's work if i may as a voiceover person voiceover director please when you guys were doing your ads earlier you guys are great ah cut it out no legitimately like you were like cold reading this stuff and it sounded – it was articulate. You emphasized all the right words. OK. Like you guys have talent.

Thank you. That's nice of you to say. As radio advertisers. Thank you. Well, we just have a lot of passion for ZipRecruiter. Who wouldn't? Love that crute, baby. Love the crute.

Well, yeah. Thanks, Sam. If people do not already consume the Critical Role program, where should they watch? Oh, you can watch us every Thursday night on Twitch, twitch.tv slash criticalrole, or go to critrole.com to find out all the latest and greatest that's happening at Critical Role. Now, that's a good cold read. Is there anything coming up in the Phoenix writerverse? No. You know, confidentially, not even confidentially.

People are listening to this. About as confidentially as you can get for a podcast, honestly. Let's call it embarrassingly. How about let's say embarrassingly confidentially, given the size of our audience. A Phoenix Wright fan hit me up on the Twitters not so long ago saying, hey, that new Phoenix Wright game's coming out. You're in it, right? And my heart sang.

Oh, Sam. I think I may have been replaced, and I think I found out from Twitter. I know who it is. Can I tell you who it is? Who is it? I read about this. Ira Glass. Lin-Manuel.

Lin-Manuel called up his fucking agent and was like, I can do anything right now. I'm going to start stealing jobs from my friends. I want to do Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney. Anime legal simulation game. Wow. Beloved by Lindsay Patliss. He's my nemesis now. Yeah.

Sam, you don't need it. You've done your time as an anime lawyer. You've moved on bigger and better. Well. Who needs him? Yeah. You've done your time as an anime lawyer. You've moved on bigger and better. Well. Who needs him? Yeah. Has late Manuel Miranda ever tasted the sweet meat of Maurice Lamar?

Oh, boy. That's something that I get. Yeah. I mean, I guess that part of my career is just case dismissed. Oh, yeah. Wow. It's really beautiful. Yeah.

I didn't, you know, I came here expecting to laugh, but I didn't come here expecting to be moved. If you're in the LA area, you can come see us on Wednesday, 724 at the Angel City Brewery. Can I update that, Jordan? Please. The last thing I want to do is correct my friend Jordan. Sure. If you're in the LA area, you must come see us. You must come. You must come see us on Wednesday night.

Look, we know you can go to the Largo and see Sarah Silverman in French. Sure. And we know that- Will that be a great show? Yes. Yeah. Better than our show, arguably. Yeah, well, that's debatable.

I mean, we got Mitch and Nick. Yeah. Doughboys, Allie Gertz, a special message from Amy Mann. It's going to be a great show. It's going to be a ton of fun. You think Amy Mann recorded the video because she's booked

at Largo that night? Well, could be. Yeah, I got to be at Largo. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks so much, Sam.

This has been a blast. Hey, this is great. Love you guys. Sam, you're the greatest. It's always a joy to see you. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit

at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne. Sam Riegel, you on that Twitter? Yeah, I'm at Sam Riegel. R-I-E-G-E-L. You spelled it right? Yeah, I did. It's a fun Twitter.

We're interested in you. We have genuine interest in you, Samuel. Wow. I feel two inches taller. Well, that's just because Maurice LaMarche walked into the room. Two inches longer. Oh, yeah. Blood is rushing.

Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. You can like us on Facebook. And, hey, Jordan. Yeah. If you're not in Los Angeles, you want to see Jordan and Jesse go live, great news. There are two fucking entire Jordan and Jesse go live shows, our Max Fun Con show and our Boston show from the Summer Boys of Summer Tour, that are both available to watch in their entirety for free on the Maximum Fun YouTube channel right now. Yeah.

We thought about making those a members-only thing. We thought about a lot of shit. We're just like, let the people have what they want. Let the people see our visages. Several thousand people want to watch this. Yeah. Let's let them have it. Who are we to stand in the way?

No. Stand between them and this thing to look at. Yes. You. This uncut fucking heroine of entertainment It's available for free in HD? Yeah. I mean. That's libertarian right there.

Positively. Everyone can just do it and it's up to them to monitor their own intake. You know what? Rand Paul 2020. Thank you. Call me Rand Paul. I'm against the Americans with Disabilities Act now. Oh boy.

Because I think that anyone should be allowed to watch Jordan Jesse go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rand Paul is against that. Yes. Against what disabilities have. He came out publicly. It was a statement of fact.

Yeah. We'll see you next time on Jordan Fist. Yes.