Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 595: Lunch Bucket with Steve Agee

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

Steve Agee (Superstore, Guardians of the Galaxy) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's next-level napping achievements, Jordan's harrowing swim in the ocean, and Steve's recent trip to Catalina Island for a wedding. Plus, we find out what Lorenzo Lamas is up to these days!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, American Napdad. Jordan Morris, Ocean Master. Wow, so we both got new nicknames this week. Yeah, sounds like it. If you're new to Jordan, Jesse, go, you don't know what a big deal this is. No, uh-uh. This is huge. Unprecedented.

This is monstrous. What? They're going to be making Jordan, Jesse, Go lore videos about this episode. Man. I'm sorry. Excuse me, they're saying? Yeah. Record scratch?

Jordan, Jesse, Go listener. Brian, add some record scratches in this episode. Not just to where we said the nicknames, but just to other places. Jordan, Jesse, Go listener and hip-hop super producer Lil Jon right now is out there saying, excuse me? Sure. Pardon me? Why don't we just intro our guest and get into it?

Yeah, let's get into this with our guest. This guy is not, he doesn't need to ease into it. Yeah. No. This guy's a superstar. He's the star of Superstore. He's free to be a boy detective now since we don't have one. Yeah.

He's a beloved actor and stand-up comic. He is bigger than I am, taller and broader of shoulder. Sure. He's a gifted photographer, a high school graduate. He has a higher IMDB star meter as well, if you're also talking about bigness. I don't know. Our guest is Steve Agee. Yeah, no, I think we got Agee beat on the star meter.

I mean, I did that local television commercial. You did that one with Fritz K, NBC4's Fritz Coleman. Is that true? Yeah. One of the first things I got paid for in show business when I moved to L.A. was a commercial for the NBC4 local weather with local weather legend and one-man show performer, Fritz Coleman. That's true, yeah. And he was great.

I played a surfer dude. And you can still see this on YouTube. I played a surfer dude. And I'm going to slip into character here. Yeah. Do you guys mind if I get the surfer dude? Yeah. Do it.

Jordan, do you want to go get the surfer dude, see if he's around? Yeah, sure. Wow, now the surfer dude's eating a hoagie. No, no, this is me getting into character. I didn't know surfers even ate hoagies. Tongue twisters. I was doing a thing where I was doing some face acting about getting into character. I'm like, oh, that doesn't read on mic, so I just started doing it.

No, it just sounds like you're chowing down. Okay. Hey, dude, I'm looking for a tasty swell. Excellent. And then Fritz Coleman told me where to find the tastiest swell. Yeah. Escondido or whatever. I forget where he said.

Escondido. Yeah. I think it had to be somewhere where the broadcast reaches. Where's Escondido? It's probably San Diego. Oh, yeah. But it's inland. They probably have their own local. It's inland? Escondido. They's by San Diego. But it's inland. They probably have their own local beach.

I don't think Escondido has a beach. They have their own inferior to Fritz Coleman. What about this one? La Quinta. What about La Quinta? I don't know. It might have been T Street. La Quinta is out by Palm Springs. Can I do one more?

Dubuque. Those were the tastiest swells. Dubuque. Yes. Yes, definitely Dubuque. Those were the tastiest swells. Yeah. Dubuque. And Fritz was a real pro. I mean, he was my weatherman growing up, so it genuinely was a thrill to meet him. And he was a pro and stayed for the reverse. Oh.

Whoa. Like Robert De Niro. When they were done shooting his scenes, he stayed for my scenes so I would have someone to play off of. What a guy. A generous actor. Was he a generous lover? No, he was not. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am thing.

You know, I mean, suck that guy's dick for 45 minutes and then, oh, I got to leave. Man, fucking Coleman. What about my orgasm? What about my orgasm, Fritz Colemanman is that in the forecast fritz yeah snowballs we got a 40 yeah i was gonna say 40 she has a blue ball but you know these all these are all work these are all sexual weather things you can say uh no and my you know my mom was very thrilled at that. I mean, because he was our weatherman, of course. All of her friends saw it.

All of her friends at work saw it. And yeah, she was- Did you grow up down here? I did grow up down here, yeah. I grew up in Orange County. As Candido. As in beautiful. But you went to college in Santa Cruz.

I did, yeah, yeah. You're a banana slug. And then, so yeah. So he was, you know, my mom, he was thrilled and periodically asked me if I think I'll ever do anything with Fritz again. Oh, yeah. I think my mom thinks my career has gone downhill since that. Do you still have Fritz's number? No, we did not exchange.

I didn't have his personal number. It might have been on the call sheet. I probably should have taken that call sheet. Yeah. Projected high today, 69. Yeah. And drizz sheet. Yeah. Projected high today, 69. Yeah. And drizzly. Moist.

He's an older man. Right. Doesn't have the powerful flow he used to. And you know what? I might be a little drizzly myself. I've been taking a break on the kegels. Yeah. I'm not blasted like I used to.

Yeah. No. It's a bummer. Yeah. I'm 50 and I totally identify with that. Hey, just a few rounds

of kegels, Steve. You'll be blasted like a 20-year-old in no time. Yeah, just tighten up that floor, buddy. Steve, do you have any weird

in your acting resume? Do you have local stuff or weird commercials yeah i in fact i think i responded to you with something on twitter jesse i did a pack bell my first commercial was pacific bell which is no longer wow you sunk them you sunk pack bell i don't know what they became at&t i think they're singular i don't know yeah and what and what did you play in this commercial it was the spot was called roommates and it was for caller id and it was me and two other guys and they were jump cutting between us as roommates playing towards the camera which was our roommate and uh steve um and we were shitty roommates who couldn't

remember who called hey steve are the shitty roommates who couldn't remember who called. Hey, Steve, are the shitty roommates here? Can we talk to the shitty roommate? Yeah. Okay. Hold on. Wow, he's getting into character. You can hear it.

No, he's literally eating a hoagie. Oh, this time he's actually eating a hoagie. Somebody called for you, man. Yes. Is it about where I can find the tastiest swell? Whoa, this is our Avengers. Wonder Twin Powers activate. When I did my local commercial, I didn't have any lines,

so can I do the other character that did have lines? Yes. Oh, sure. You forgot to consider the yield curve, Dave. Wow. Oh, my God. I was Dave. What is this?

I played Dave. I was the protagonist of the commercial. You were the one not considering the yield curve. But I failed to consider the yield curve, so I had to tear my clothes off and I got fired. That's like a business thing. Yeah, it's like for business. It's like a business phrase. File cabinet.

Yeah. Paradigm, yield curves yeah you got it business boy memo okay steve stevie's a business boy i like it like business clearly yeah yeah man this is really exciting for fans of local commercials. Or fans of business. Of commerce. This episode reveals that all of those commercials took place in the same universe. And you know it because we're all smoking green apple cigarettes. Oh. Jesse, do you want to talk about why you're a nap dad?

Because I have realized that rather than fighting naps, I should embrace them. Absolutely. Wow. For many, I believe in my heart of hearts. Below my conscious mind, there is a part of me that believes that anytime I'm sleeping, I am failing. Failing at being awake. You can't achieve anything while you're sleeping. You can't achieve anything while you're sleeping. You can't entertain yourself while you're sleeping. You can't do anything.

It's boring. Yeah. And I'm a pretty good sleeper, and I have to sleep very consistently because of my headaches. But I still resent going to sleep every time I go to sleep. I know some people love the embrace of bed. Are you a bed embracer, Jordan? I love a bed. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And I don't... I can get up to all kinds of shit in there. Oh, wow. I can get up to all kinds... You don't know what I'm up to in that bed. I'm doing little scissor kicks under the sheets. Can I tell you...

I think that's restless leg syndrome. Oh, yeah. Maybe I should have that looked at. I can eat a single cracker. I can do anything in bed. One time, one time I think

Julie Klausner invented building a snack nest in bed. Think about that any time I get in a bed. Snack nest. Snack nest. A little snack nest. Just crumbs and wrapping wrappers.

Yeah. Yeah, I love bedtime. Love to hop in bed. 11, 11.30. Oh, my God. Yeah. You? What time?

Even earlier. Fuck. But I have three children. What's your bedtime business, boy? Three or four. Holy. But I have three children. What's your bedtime business, boy? Three or four. Holy shit. I have insomnia. I get stressed out when it's time to go to bed.

Huh. Because I'm already just scared I'm not going to be able to sleep. And then I'll be screwed the next day. I totally know that feeling. That was one of my big childhood anxieties. Yeah. It was feeling like I would never go to sleep. Yeah. And feeling like I would die that feeling. That was like my – one of my big childhood anxieties was like feeling like I would never go to sleep. Yeah.

And feeling like I would die from tired. Like I could be so tired that I would just keel over at school. That's got to be possible, right? Can you die from – Yeah. I happen to have listened to a sleep scientist, an English sleep scientist on Fresh Air earlier today. Yeah. So I got a lot of facts and figures if you need them.

I do. Well, they're still handy. Well, you know, everybody needs a different amount of sleep. Right. And there are a lot of non-invasive interventions for sleep apnea, if you suffer from sleep apnea. I don't think I do. Some people just need a mouth guard.

Wow. Is that it? Yeah, because it pushes the lower demandable forward, thus expanding the breathing tube. Isn't that interesting? Isn't that something, guys? I cannot. I am not a napper, though. I maybe do two naps a year.

I like them okay. And I just don't. I don't know. I can't nap. So I thought I couldn't I don't think I napped one time until I was 32 years old

currently 38 years old and I found myself I think it was like the children waking me up at random times where I was like

if I don't learn to take a nap I'm'm going to be fucked. Like that was it. It was mostly just having my back, feeling like my back was against the wall. Because I still resent the napping. Every type of sleep I resent. None of them feel like a sweet relief to me. They all feel like I should be at the very least just fucking around on the internet.

Like bare minimum. I have a whole spreadsheet of all my naps from college on in order of pleasure. Wow. Most pleasurable nap. Let's talk nap pleasures. Okay, what is your ideal nap? What are the circumstances? Where are you doing it?

Please say hammock. Please say hammock. Please say hammock. No, I've never napped in a hammock oh wow always couch that was me that's the sound of me swallowing the water that was in my mouth so i wouldn't get it everywhere but then acknowledging my shock by making a spit take like sound yeah it's usually couch couch and a really good nap i really also feel very guilty about it's usually couch. Couch. And a really good nap, I really also feel very guilty about. It's usually like I'll lay down to watch TV or something at like 3 or 4, and all of a sudden I open my eyes and it's like 8.

It's almost asleep. It's almost not even a nap. And it's like it's now dark in my apartment and I don't know if it's morning. I usually wake up feeling like it's now morning but like five and I'm very confused. Those are the best naps. Do you guys have nap programming? Is there like a TV show or a white noise, whale sounds? I got two systems.

My systems are expanding. So it started with I could take a nap in the hammock. If I got nothing going on and I go out in the hammock, maybe listen to some music or something, close and put a hat over my face. Yeah. I could nap then, which is like pretty much ideal nap context. Like, I mean, anybody can, any asshole can nap in a hammock. You know what I mean?

I can't. Have you tried? Yeah, I have vertigo, so I get like, I'll get motion sickness from the swinging. Maybe your problem is you're not an asshole. I'm not an asshole.

I just have inner ear issues. I fucking dick with your inner ear issues. As Big Pun rapped on the remix. Oh no, Big Pun. I'm not an asshole, I just have inner ear issues. I wish I could nap in a hammock.

It seems very awesome. It is, it's great. So, that's one. I love being in a hammock, but I do not own my own hammock. So, I mean, anytime I meet one, I lease a hammock. So I'm afraid if I nap in it, it'll decrease the value. Oh, no, no.

You got to watch the mileage, too, because you don't want to get overage charges. You got to watch the mileage. Yeah. You know, one of those fucking valets scratches it. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. So every time I'm in a hammock, it's never mine, and I feel like it's inappropriate to try and nap in it.

Although I don't know if I could in the first place, but I'm always a little nervous because- I draw the line at jacking off in someone else's hammock. Yeah, well, that's- So I would nap in someone else's hammock, but I wouldn't crank it in someone else's hammock. Oh, gosh. Crank it. I don't want to soil their hammock.

So that was my first nap situation. My second nap situation was when I decided I really needed to get serious about taking naps. And that's when I pull out all the stops. Okay. I put on one of those neoprene eye masks. Neoprene, the best eye mask. By such a wide margin. No light leaks.

Yeah. No light leaks. I thought eye masks were garbage. By such a wide margin. No light leaks. Yeah. No light leaks. I thought eye masks were garbage. I thought they were bullshit. I thought they were uncomfortable. I'm with you. I thought they didn't do anything except make me feel like my eyes were going into my head. Yep.

I thought they were the worst. Even like a lavender scented satin eye mask was still uncomfortable to me. The worst. Then I got these ones that make you look like you're in the grindcore band The Locust. And these are gorgeous because they pop up away from your eyeballs, Jordan. So they just are on the – they're just around the – They're not pushing on anything. They're not pushing on anything that – nothing that you don't want anything pushing on.

What are the other materials? If neoprene is the goat. Satin is a usual go-to. Satin is a classic. That's garbage. It slides off your head. Yeah. There's light leaks.

The neoprene, it's so good. If you had black and white video, you'd look like you were in a Nine Inch Nails video. Yes. Absolutely. Like that choppy film scratches. Yeah, just a few extra jump cuts. if you had like black and white video you'd look like you were in a nine inch nails video yes absolutely choppy yeah just a few extra jump cuts and your hand was fused to a cinder block yeah guys i think we just directed a nine inch nails video i think we did who are we david fincher yeah probably that seems did, yeah. That seems exactly right. He did, yeah. And then I will listen to a – I will listen to the ball game if the ball game is on.

Or I will listen to a slow-paced and moderately interesting podcast. And I will – like this one, this fresh air about the sleep scientist would have been perfect. That's nice. And I will give like this one, this fresh air about the sleep scientist would have been perfect. That's nice. And then I will give myself permission not to fall asleep, but just give my say, I'm going to take a rest for 20 minutes no matter what. 20, wow. Yeah.

And then I usually will fall asleep for 20 minutes after about 10. But more recently, I've leveled up my nap game and particularly the dad part of my nap game. If I am tired, I have three children, two dogs and one wife in my family. And they all live in a one open living room, dining room, kitchen area. It is not particularly big. I will lie down on the couch and just fall asleep while they all run around and yell and I don't know how I do it I don't know why I can do it

I just feel the power of my ancestors coursing through me Do you ever have an open newspaper on your chest? Make USA Today Oh my god I have not started walking around the house in

boxer shorts, but I need to. Yeah. I remember as a kid seeing the same thing. My dad would just zonk out on the couch while we were all fighting and yelling. I remember even at like 10 going, how is he asleep? I'm screaming in his face. This is crazy. How many siblings do you have, Steve? Younger sister, older brother. Okay. Yeah. Nice. And you guys were running around yelling.

Maniacs, yeah. Huh. The screaming mimi's they called us. Wow. Really? Yeah. The screaming nagies? Yeah, the screaming nagies.

Huh. Are you a retiring middle child? Did you have to fight for attention? What kind of middle child are you? I thought you were like, did one of your siblings die? Yeah. I'm not a middle anymore. Oh, boy, it was a rough year.

No, I'm still middle. Yeah, but what kind of middle child are you? How did you approach middle childdom? Well, my older brother was like eight years older, so it was really more like me and my younger sister. So I didn't feel very – I mean, what are the stereotypes of middle children? Like they're not needy, right? Is it the – I think the needy one.

Yeah. You know, me and my sister are about that far apart, and I don't feel like when people tell me the characteristics of oldest, youngest, I don't feel like we are those. I think we're just these two separate kids who were like little roommates growing up a little bit. Little roommates? I don't think we were like jockeying for anything. Right. Same. Often have to like be in control. Right. And like middle children are sometimes can feel invisible, which they could react to either by being good at that or like being like making themselves heard. What are their age differences?

Mine are seven, eight, five, and two. So they're all in – they're all pretty much in like right normal that's close yeah yeah like i have two younger brothers uh technically half brothers and they are eight and 14 years younger than me so my situation exactly like jordan's like my my brothers and i love each other. There was no sibling rivalry. We're probably not as close as my, say, my wife is with her sister, who's like three years younger. Did you leave them your albums when you went off to school, like the one eight years younger? I introduced them to the Clash. Sure, you gotta.

Yeah. This is the real stuff. An ex. Sure. Yeah. Do you guys want to hear about my ocean adventure that I had today God oh god I know you're right the sea is the worst oh you tell me your story I'll tell you my Catalina Island story even AG is against a sea I will

you know what I would don't tell those people with the catamarans that fight the whale tankers or whatever. You do look like you've gotten sun. Yeah, I have. I have gotten some sun. Yeah, so I did my swim club, which is the only thing I talk about on the show.

Yeah. Honestly, let's be frank, a fucking great thing to talk about on a podcast. Sw. Honestly, let's be frank, a fucking great thing to talk about on a podcast. Yeah, sure. Swim club. Yeah, right? Any club. Clubs are cool. Yeah, clubs are cool. Legal or illegal, like whatever you're up to in a club, it's awesome.

And I think we can all agree, no girls allowed. Right, fellas? Amen. So I'm in the swim club, and we did our first open water swim today, which is a swim in the ocean. Oh, wow. It's a public pool. We usually swim at the beautiful Verdugo Aquatic Facility.

Yeah. Can't say enough nice stuff about the Verdugo Aquatic Facility, by the way. I'll give, Steve, I'll give you a recap. It's both a great place to do lap swimming with your team. It's also surrounded by high-quality diners full of old men reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. Noho area? Burbank. Yeah. You've got a lot of good diner options for post-swim. It's really just a great atmosphere.

Sometimes you've got a water aerobics going on in the other half of the pool oh yeah then uh you're you're when that is going on while the water aerobics is happening then yours the soundtrack to your swim is gloria stefan yeah is this the pool with the water slide on verdugo oh you know it does have a like it does have a like kids area water slide that i think they only turn on for like birthday parties and stuff like that. So, yeah, but I have not been asked to live near there. Yeah. My family's pool, but not the pool that belongs to my family.

But the pool that my family and I attend, I went to today. They just got a giant new water slide. I went down it. I can say 20, 25 feet high. I went down it. I can say 20, 25 feet high. And because I was surrounded by five-year-olds, I felt very comfortable getting in it. And then it fucking terrified me.

It was so terrifying. I was like, oh, fuck. How are these five-year-olds doing this? They don't fear death. They don't know about death. That's true. No one's taught them about death. It's up to you to teach them. Once Nan-Nan goes, it's going to be a rude awakening.

Sure, once they... Who let that old lady into that water slide, though, to be fair? Why is she floating upside down? Why did my hamster go down the water slide? She didn't cross her feet at the ankles. That's what happens.

So, Jordan, you did an open swim. An open sea swim. An open sea swim. Did you bring harpoons? No. Well, that was my first mistake. Okay. Long Beach?

Hermosa Beach. Okay. Pier to pier. So it's two miles from one of the piers to the other pier. This is like a Napster style swim. Oh, pier to pier. That's fun. Oh, I like that. Nap, Napster style swim. Oh, pier to pier. That's fun. Oh,

I like that. Nap, Napster. Yeah, we could, there's something there. There's something there. Probably not,

but let's pretend there is. Let's put it up on the Lars Ulrich. Sue you when you got out of the water. That's what we're looking for. Let's write all this on the whiteboard. Brian, hopefully you're taking notes. Yeah.

For the better podcast we're going to do later. Right. Where we connect all this stuff seamlessly. Yeah. So, yeah. So, you know, I have never done this before. I've never... I mean, I've been in an ocean, but I've never, like...

Always with a harpoon. Always with a harpoon. Or, like, a harpoon gun. Mm-hmm. I'm not talking about, like, the kind you use. No, I hurl my own harpoons. I don't shoot them out of a gun. Really?

You can hurl a- I use my guns, God's guns, which is what I call my arms. I'm talking about more like you would use to get an octopus. No, not a whale. An octopus. Spear gun. The kind with the rubber strap that you use to stretch it out and then you let go and it shoots. No, I throw a full on whaling harpoon, but I will throw them at an octopus.

Yeah. The worst. I don't give a fuck if it's for a whale. By the way, the worst thing about my son, Oscar, getting ready for kindergarten is he no longer says octofloss. Octo what? Octofloss. When does he say it correctly now? Octopus.

They grow up so quickly. He used to say for years, he said, Oh, but they've taught him to. Let's get an Octofloss. But now he's saying it properly. Now he says octopus. Oh, that's a bummer. Fuck that.

Fuck public schools. Time to have another kid. Fuck these public schools. I blame the new math. I do too. I blame phonics. You can't pray. Yep.

You can't tell them to pray. Goddamn Common Core. They're always teaching you the octopus test. Yeah. Anyway. So yeah, I had never done this before, but thought it'd be fun to have a new challenge. So yeah, I got there to the meeting place dorkily early. I was easily the first one there.

Is this an early morning activity? So it's 8.30 meet-up time. And I got there around 8 to make sure that I, you know, could find the place, find parking. So, yeah, so I just kind of hung around until, like, the next person showed up. And, like, you know, I kind of, like, waved him down. And the email said to all everybody wear our t-shirts for our club okay i was the only one who wore the t-shirt oh yeah dedication yeah and also being a fucking lame-o i guess um dedication to being a lame-o who was there early

and wearing the t-shirt you sound like you sound like a no drama mama no that's what it sounds like to me you don't sound like a lame-o. You sound like somebody who's delivering on the promise of what it is to be in a club. We know that clubs are cool. That's true. At the very least, you have a t-shirt. Yeah. Should be a leather jacket.

You guys should have been swimming in leather jackets. That would have been great. So I have an important question. NASA patches on been great. So I have an important question. NASA patches on them. Yeah. I have an important question here, Jordan. So the Pacific Ocean, I presume you're swimming in the Pacific Ocean. No, we actually met in Maine.

Oh, okay. Well, then this doesn't apply. No, I think it still would apply in Maine. Lighthouse to lighthouse. Yeah, sure. Even here in Southern California, we're relatively far south, that water can be quite cold. Sometimes they call that

a polar bear swim. Yeah. It was chilly. Was this a polar bear situation or were you wearing a wetsuit or maybe a dry suit? No. Oh, diving belt. Just wearing my standard. Just walking along the floor of the ocean. That's why you need a club.

It's because you need somebody to pump those bellows. And to pull me up if I yank on my helmet cord twice. I shot my shot and I missed the octopus. Help, the Creature from the Black Lagoon is down here.

Which is three poles. If you get three poles that means help the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Can I ask a question? Eight poles, that's Octoflus? That's Octoflus. And then ten poles means everything's going great. And not to worry about me. That's good. They're like, wait for it, wait for it.

He might be doing great. Let's not pull him up yet. We have to make sure that he's not doing great. So yeah, first one there and I you know I'm nervous about this thing I've never done it before and the first guy that shows up

just like Michael Phelps Michael Phelps and he kicks me right in the nuts no reason so he shows up and he's like hey man are you here for the swim and I'm like yeah he's like man I, man, are you here for the swim? And I'm like, yeah. He's like, man, I don't want to freak you out, which is like, you didn't even ask me my name. But you're going to freak out. I don't want to freak you out.

But my nan-nan died in a water slide yesterday. I don't want to freak you out. But around, we did this last year, and there were some fishermen chumming the water and one of the dudes in the club got chomped by a shark what chomped by a shark chomped by a shark i didn't even like we didn't even talk about our weekends or anything this is the first thing this guy says to me and you were like actually it's champed by a shark right champing at the bit it's Champing at the bit. And then he kicked me in the nuts. Michael Phelps. And then,

so my main childhood fear was the Jaws ride at Universal Studios. So I'm like, wow. Not the movie Jaws. Not an actual shark. I didn't see the movie until I was 19 or something. Too afraid of the ride.

And the box, the video box, too, is very scary as well. I had a Jaws 3D poster. That's cool. I never saw Jaws until literally 18 months ago. Wow. Is that true? Yeah. I'd never seen it before, and I was like, I should

watch this Jaws. You know why people are constantly talking about Jaws? It's a fucking great movie. Yeah, yeah. And here's a mind blower. Yeah. I don't know if anybody's ever heard this before. This is a unique observation of mine.

It was the first blockbuster. Yeah. I really want people to know. It really ushered in the age of, I don't mean to correct you. No, sure. I would say that it ushered in the age of blockbusters. I think people should keep writing that. Summer blockbusters, too. And talking about that. Yeah. I really say that it ushered in the age of blockbusters. I think people should keep writing that. Summer blockbusters, too.

And talking about that. Yeah. I really like hearing it all the time. All the time. The era of the Hollywood blockbuster. Sure, yeah. Is what I'm talking about specifically. I don't mean to mess up the flow of your story.

No, that's okay. I just want to note that my dog Coco is taking a nap on top of Steve's foot. Cute. That's right. Oh, my God. That is adorable. Well behaved. It is adorable. Anyway, so you did not wear a – so you didn't – I'm sorry that I'm still hung up on the ocean being cold.

Yeah, it was cold. I just wore my swimming suit, my standard suit. Do you wear – It's a Speedo that kind of goes to the upper thigh. Oh, I was going to say. It's a more modest Speedo. Yeah. Well, you're a modest man.

Exactly. I would say. Yeah. Borderline Amish even. Yeah. Yeah. The Speedo, it's not a – but I have a tan in that shape. Yeah.

And yeah. So I have kind of like – How long did it take you to do the swim? Well – Two miles. Two miles. And yeah, so I have kind of like... How long did it take you to do the swim? Well... Two miles. So two miles. So we're like hanging around and like the coach, Coach Mike has not shown up yet. Fucking Mike.

Fuck Mike. We're all waiting for him. What a dick. And then we're like, should we wait for him? Nope. Should we wait for him? You know why? That's why.

You know how he probably got caught up? Waiting for Dauber. Yeah, sure. Dauber from Coach for Dauber. Yeah, sure. Dauber from Coach? Dauber from Coach. Holy shit. All coaches have a friend named Dauber. Blonde bowl cuts.

Right. And Jerry Van Dyke? Yeah, Jerry Van Dyke. Jerry Van Dyke was busy at the dog food factory. What's that from? He makes dog food. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Himself? Yeah. Wow. I don't know if he makes it personally. I believe him to be dead. He endorsed it. He just l food. Really? Yeah. Himself? Yeah. Wow. I don't know if he makes it personally. I believe him to be a dead man. He endorsed it. He just lends his good name to it.

I believe him to be a dead man. Is that correct? Cal Can. It was Cal Can, right? Does it seem correct that Jerry Van Dyke is a dead man? Oh, yeah. He's got to be a dead man. What about Dauber?

I think Dauber's dead, too. I don't know. That's the coach curse. Yeah. If you were coach's friend, you will die. Craig T. Nelson's still alive. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. You say the coach curse.

I mean, the problem ultimately is Craig T. Nelson being a serial murderer. Right. That he does it so slowly and carefully by putting poison in people's breakfast cereal. You can read all about it. Munchausen's. On the subreddit r slash coach truthers. Munchausen's by coach. So you're wearing your modest swimsuit.

Thigh length Speedo. But that's nice because it gives you a chance to show off your hog a little. Sure. I'll say it's, you know it hugs the hog in a flattering way. Hog, yeah. The light catches it just right. Right. So what did you say to the man who told you about the chumps?

So I was just like, yeah, well, this is my first time doing this. i'm doing this and then uh and then i so you know so coach mike's not showing up and then somebody gets their phone it's like oh i just got an email from him he says he's not showing up what a fucker he's been trapped outside all weekend and he's only been eating granola that is not a thing i don't know what that means trapped outside outside of. I don't know what that means. Trapped outside? Outside of what? I don't know. Everything? Were they just outside his body? Directly from the email?

Yes, that is the email that Mike sent. Did they show it around? I didn't know. I didn't lay eyes on the email. Because it's possible there was other information in the email. Yes. And they did a bad job editing the email for clarity. That's absolutely true.

Yeah. But I've read this man's other emails and that tracks to me. Oh, really? Yeah. So Keyes has no problem with concision. No. In fact, he may be excessively concise. Clarity is the issue.

Yeah. He's like an older dude and he has that kind of like older person's grasp of- Of keys? Of keys. Of sentences. And how much information will make you understand what's going on he does have that younger guy on staff

but that guy's so fucking dumb with his dumb blonde bowl cut when's your next swim club meeting before next week no I mean I think there's three practices a day and you can go to any of the practices. Practice?

Yeah. I guess you club. Club, swim, club meeting. I don't know what to call them. Was everybody on the pier talking shark? No, but there were a bunch of fucking banners for Shark Week. Seems like the beach has some sort of deal with Discovery Channel or whoever does Shark Week. Seems like the beach has some sort of deal with Discovery Channel or whoever does Shark Week. So Shark has now been implanted in my head.

Wow. Not just by the dude who told the chomp story, but by the advertising. Did you check in with any of the other people with re-chomp? How many people showed up? Maybe about 15 people. That's good. Yeah, none of them seemed scared of the chomp. So many people showed up? Maybe about 15 people. That's good. Yeah, none of them seemed scared of the chomp. So yeah, they...

Were you at all concerned about the fact that octophiluses can solve problems? Yes. And predict the outcome of soccer matches? Yes, I'm scared of all this. They've got beaks. You can get out of their cage. My son Oscar was... Drive a car. Fuck your wife. Glad that he recently...

Fuck your wife. Yeah. I mean, I don't have a wife, but if I did, I'd be worried about- This is definitely real. I've seen movies of this. Octopi fucking wives? Yeah. I'll tell you the keywords later, but I've seen some documentary footage. It's Cuctopus, okay?

Cuctopus? Don't be- No need to be coy, Jesse. It's Cuctopus okay Cuctopus No need to be coy Jesse it's Cuctopus So So I start to do the swim How far out do you go? Or are you like 10 feet off the beach? So you go out to like the first buoy Which is like a half So you know it's like a half mile out.

And then you go two miles to the other pier. So it's, you know, it's. Probably three miles. Yeah. Yeah. Because I guess you do have to come back in. Yeah. So I got, you know, I run in the water with everybody else.

I for a second thought, are we diving off the pier? But no. Oh, that would have been fun. Kind of cool. That does seem like it would be good. But I'd be worried that I get caught up in a fisherman's line. That's true. Was that a concern at all?

Yeah, totally. People are fishing. And I guess it seems more like something you do when it's like the end of the best summer of your life. It seems like a summer boy's thing. Yeah, it seems a little summer boy. Are any of those fishermen accidentally catching dolphins? I hear that's a problem. Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. I didn't check in. Using nets, I'm assuming. Next time, check in with the dolphins and let me know what they have to say. You know, they're beautiful creatures. Yeah. Smart. Smart.

And they'll fuck your wife. And they'll fuck your wife. They will do that. Yeah. They'll fuck your wife. They smell their periods. Sure. They're like, all right.

She can't get pregnant. We're horrible at dolphin noises. That was a turkey. Yeehaw. Yeehaw. Hello. Yeehaw. I'm breathing out of my head.

Large fries. I don't have of my head Large fries I don't have gills Operator I'd like to speak to an operator Operator I'm breathing out of my head over here Classic dolphin speak Yeah this is good

Like all animals I'm breathing out of my head Yeah, this is good. Oh. Oh, flipper. Like all animals, I'm breathing out of my head. Even gills are on my head. No. Pretty much. So it's really hard to get out to that first buoy. It's very hard. Everyone just shot past me basically immediately,

and I felt like I was on my own. I'm like, well, it's time to push through. I can do this. I'm a strong swimmer. I'll be doing it slower than everybody else. Yes, exactly. Montel Jordan? What about Montel Jordan? Doing it well.

No, this is how we do it, Montel Jordan. Who's doing it and doing it well? That's another famous song. Yes, I believe you're correct on that front. He was great at doing it. With me. Probably still is. Yeah, probably still really good. That guy can blast.

He's probably getting into his 50s, but he can blast. He's gotta be 50. LL does his kegels. That guy has kegel day at the gym. Right. He does legs, arms, kegels in a rotation. Right. Yeah. Once each day.

By the way, I don't know if you knew this, but LL Cool J stands for Jordan Loves Cool James. Oh, well. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. It's very true. Yeah.

So I feel like I'm just doing this on my own at some point. And I'm like, well, okay. And then I started to panic. Yeah. I'm like, well, is this stick-to-itiveness or is this now dangerous? It might. I felt like I did a pretty good job, swam pretty far. And I'm like, you know what?

I think it's dangerous. So I – If you – I don't know – I know how far two miles is in the context of basically walking to a thrift store in an unfamiliar city when you didn't rent a car. That's pretty much the only context in which I know I'm familiar with that distance. I know what that is, but an aquatic two miles, how does that compare with the amount of swimming that you ordinarily do? It's not a shit ton more. It's just that it's so much harder to swim in the ocean because the ocean does not want

you to swim there. The ocean would like you to be out of it or dead. Yeah, it's trying to fuck your wife. The ocean really wants to get some wife. Yeah. And a pool just loves for you to be in there. Oh, yeah. It's like, swim in me. Yeah, it's trying to fuck your wife. The ocean really wants to get some wife. Yeah. And a pool just loves for you to be in there. Oh, yeah. It's like, swim in me.

Yeah. But the ocean does not like that. Yeah. Did the pier have any kind of water slide? No, no water slide. Seriously, I wonder if you guys were in there. The sea was angry that day. It's a pretty nice seafood restaurant, though.

Oh, okay. So, yeah, if you want a nice clam chowder in a bread bowl. I'm actually on a seafood diet. Oh, really? That's a lot of fun. Yeah, I eat a lot of seafood. Right? Yeah.

Clams. That you see with your eyes. Yeah. Mostly clams. Anyway. And mussels. So. Barnacles.

I thought I was unsafe. I gave up. I swam into shore, which was also very hard. But you can kind of like body surf a little bit. Right. That kind of takes off some of the stank that was out there. So I got into shore, sat down on the beach, threw buried it buried it about my day yeah like a like a cat did anyone watch you throw up yeah a lot of families there a lot of families ah yeah

so you know i think that but i think i'm the ocean master now fucking awesome jordan yeah two days ago i was patrick wilson i'm the ocean master now. Fucking awesome, Jordan. Yeah. Two days ago, I was- Fuck you, Patrick Wilson. I'm the ocean master. I was driving out in the middle of nowhere. This was just a couple of days ago. I saw an abandoned gas station, drove past it, and I was like, I have my camera. I should take a picture.

That place looks really cool. So I drove back around, parked across the street, took out my camera, which I'd shot like the night before, so it was set for low light. So when I looked through the viewfinder, everything was just bright. And so as I'm dialing it down and everything's coming into view, at an abandoned gas station, I saw a guy bent over, projectile vomiting. Wow. Did you catch the magic moment? F8 and B there.

That's what they say. I'll show you a photo. Let's see it. Oh, man. Let's see that vom. God, photo reveal is probably my favorite segment on Jordan and Jesse Go. Oh, listeners, can you? We were the first podcast to reveal photos on air.

A lot of other podcasts, they put them on their Instagram feed. Oh, wow. Look at him go. Holy shit. Also, totally missing that bucket that's one foot in front of him. There truly is a bucket mere inches from him. And he wasn't puking into the bucket. He seems to have willfully decided not to use the bucket to vomit into.

Yeah. But, I mean, I think that, like, there's, I mean, this abandoned gas station is abandoned. Yeah. Like, it is. So, I mean, I guess if you look at the bucket, that's someone's bucket. That's no one's ground, you know? Right. I understand his thinking.

So you think somebody put their bucket there for safekeeping? Yeah. Or maybe that's his bucket. Maybe his lunch was in that bucket. Sure, maybe. Sure, he does look like a lunch bucket kind of guy. Lunch bucket. Yeah. That's my nickname in that bucket. Sure, maybe. Sure, he does look like a lunch bucket kind of guy. Lunch bucket. Yeah.

That's my nickname in high school. That's how I was fucking everybody's wife. Yeah, sure. Okay, well. Wait, we have Steve's Catalina story. Wait, no, let's do it after the break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, of Jordan Jesse Go is supported by your tax dollars. No. That's right.

Jesse, you're thinking of roads. Okay, sorry. You're thinking of roads. Sorry. Sorry. They're so appealing. They have those handsome dashed lines. Mm-hmm.

I know. I like them too. Those slick, smooth surfaces. But you're confusing the issue. Yeah. Which is our show, this show, is supported by people who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Thank you to every single one of those people. And this week, we're also supported by the good people at Dashlane.

Dashlane is the only tool you need to stay safe online. I'm sick and tired of people knowing my business, phishing my, scamming and phishing. Sure. Cat phishing. Cat phishing me. Looking, I'm tired of looky-loos. Yeah. You don't need that.

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Those dudes are jacked. Like a private army will take care of you better than Dashlane. But besides that, Dashlane is basically the top. But honestly, I'm going to say I think Dashlane would do better against cyber threats. It depends if it's a cyber army, but I'm willing to believe you. All right. I'm willing to believe you. I mean, I'd be inclined to hire cyber soldiers.

Oh, sure. And I think they're available at this point. Yeah. Well, maybe a universal soldier? I have proprietary soldier technology. Gotcha. But I'm glad to accept a universal. It's still got the right socket adapters.

We're going to have to ask Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren about that. Yeah. Hey, if you want to see what is better, a private cyber army or Dashlane.com, just go to Dashlane.com slash JJGO, and you get a free 30-day trial of Dashlane Premium, where you can see these features in action and try out Dashlane for yourself. If you like it, you can use the coupon code JJGO at checkout for 10% off. 10% off if you go to Dashlane.com slash JJGO.

You get that free trial and then use the coupon code JJGO for 10% off. We'll be back in just a second on Universal Soldier Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, American Nap Dad. Dad, Jordan Morris, Ocean Master. Steve Agee, Prince of Persia. Oh, really? Jake Gyllenhaal? That's right.

Come on down to Persia. We've got rugs. Wow. Yeah. So the Prince of Persia's job is to travel abroad. Oh, yeah. Promoting the sale of Persia's job is to travel abroad. Oh, yeah. Promoting the sale of Persian rugs, Jesse. Persian rugs?

It seems like he would be invested in, I mean, given all of the conflict between the United States and Iran right now. I don't care. It seems like he wouldn't just, but maybe he leaves that to the Republican government. And then the monarchy is focused on rugs, rug sales. I'm just waiting for my dad to die. Okay. So I can become king of Persia. Look at my super realistic jump animations.

Pretty realistic for the time. For the time. I remember being astonished by them I do too Their elegance It was an awesome game Great jump animation Which is why I did that

Welcome to Jordan Jesse Go A salute to Prince of Persia The 1993 video game Yeah Where you could run on walls No it's gotta be before 96. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I bet that was...

It was early 90s. Okay. Yeah. 1993 seemed right. But, you know, honestly, I can't... I couldn't tell you the exact year, so... It was the 90s. It was the 90s.

Get used to it. Grunge and wall jumping. Right. Yeah. It was pre-parkour. Flannel. 1989. Seattle. Oh, pre-parkour. Flannel. 1989. Seattle.

Oh, my God. 1989. Holy shit. Whoa. Persia. Steve, you owe us a Catalina story. Why do you hate Catalina? Oh, well, you know.

Steve, can I give you an answer? We talked briefly about airplanes. I rode on an airplane that had a man. And I would characterize this man as the kind of man who would play a senator in a movie. Like a Fred Thompson? A very handsome, older, gray-haired African-American man with a very straight spine. You know what I mean? Or he could also play like

a military guy or something like that but like very like clear-eyed uh gray haired man like a real dennis hazebert type okay um a little uh a little a little thinner but he was wearing uh pleated khakis i walked past him on on the plane he was wearing pleated khakis. I walked past him on the plane. He was wearing pleated khakis and then tucked into his pleated khakis was a shirt that said, the fucking Catalina wine mixer. And I was like, is this guy really into Step Brothers? Yeah. Is that what's going on with this guy that I had pegged as a senator? Really into Step Brothers.

He was wearing khakis with a tucking t-shirt? With a stepbrothers reference t-shirt. That was stepbrothers. It was. That was pretty funny. It was funny in the movie. Yeah. I mean. And fun to remember via t-shirt.

Yeah, that's true. Well, I just a month and a half ago had to go to Catalina for a wedding. And believe me, there was- Your ex-wife was marrying a dolphin. There was no absence of the fucking Catalina wine mixer every five fucking minutes on the boat over. Wow. At every meal.

It is really funny. I mean, it's one of those things where I never need to hear it again in my life, but I get it. And it was very funny. It was fucking funny. Adam Scott's great in that movie. But I bet everyone saying it was like, I'm the first person to bring this up. It's like, my wife. Right.

Which also, at the wedding, my wife. Oh, no. Yeah. which also at the wedding, my wife. Oh, no. Yeah. In fact, someone that gave a speech was like, now you have freedom to say my wife.

Oh, my gosh. Did the bride look so beautiful? She looked great. You're making me horny, baby. What the fuck is that from? Oh, yeah, yeah. You didn't hear his pitch perfect? Here, I'll do it.

I'm Austin Powers, and you're making me horny. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Hey, it's me, Jerry Seinfeld. What's the deal with wine mixers? Wait, is that why you hate the Cs? Because people quoted stepbrothers at this wedding? No, you know. They should have just been sitting there like, it wasn't Adam Scott great in that movie. And the other one would say, yeah, he really was great in that movie.

A breakout performance. Oddly enough. I would say his breakout performance was Torque, but yeah, go ahead. Oh my God, Torque. Did he have a lot of acne in that? He had a lot of action in that. Yeah. He was great in Tork.

Growing up, my family had a cabin on Catalina. Oh, neat. So we spent a lot of summers there. And as a kid, super fun. Yeah. As an adult, Catalina is like, I said this to someone that weekend, it's like CityWalk. If CityWalk was an island, it is Catalina. Really?

Because it's so close. CityWalk, of course, the big mall thing attached to Universal Studios. Yes. Like a Bubba Gump shrimp and a big Hot Topic and stuff like that. Yes. So it had been kind of mallified. Yeah, and it's so close. It's 25 miles or something like that.

It's like $30 to go over. It's cheaper than going to Disneyland. So you have all these people going over just for the day, day drinking, just a bunch of bros. Catalina is pretty ghetto now. Wow. What you're saying is you're sick and tired of these people who don't even bother to spend the night at Catalina. No. You think those people are less than.

Motherfuckers. It's a weird place, man. The Catalina day trippers. And since in my adulthood, because of my vertigo and stuff, I get seasick and motion sick a lot easier. seasick and motion sick a lot easier. And so I had to do, when I took the boat over, it wasn't super rough, but it was rough enough that I was very aware of my stomach. Yeah. And then I get to the island. My friend is already there, my friend, Mike. And so we start walking around out in the sun. I'm not really paying attention to the fact that I have not had any water yet. We get something to eat, and then I decide I'm going to take a nap.

Okay. Full circle. That seems like the perfect thing to do on Catalina. I've never been to Catalina, but I've spent some time in Angel Island, the Catalina equivalent in San Francisco. It's a perfect place to nap. Take a boat to CityWalk, and you'll have the same experience. What were the CityWalk-like options? Did they have a Bubba Gump?

Is there a store that only sells things that glows in the dark? Is there a place to buy swords? That's the thing is it's missing fun shops too. It's just the people and the crowds because it's just this tiny little beach area. little, you know, beach area. It's not, that island is massive, but everyone is just restricted to this tiny little stretch of beach. You can't like get a, there's only golf carts or something? Is that something I'm telling you?

They can only have, I want to say something like 800 cars on that island at one time. And for you to bring a car onto the island, someone has to take a car off the island. My friend flew over in a plane with a guy who's been living there his whole life. And he said he applied to bring a car onto the island in the 70s and is still waiting. Wow. Wow. Also, I just remembered this. My friend Jeff and his date took a helicopter to the island.

Jeff sounds like a real high roller. As they were, they had like a guy who was helping them out with their bags to the helicopter. And he goes, hey, did you ever watch the movie Grease? And he goes, yeah. He goes, Fernando Lamas, Lorenzo Lamas is your pilot. What? What? Renegades, Lorenzo Llamas is your pilot. What? Renegades Lorenzo Llamas is flying helicopters to Catalina. What?

As a job? He was the jock in Greece. What? This is legit. Excuse me, can I quote Lil Jon here? Yes. Pardon me? Do you think it is just, I mean, I don't mean to speculate.

I don't know what Lorenzo Lamas is up to. He seems like one of those guys who, I mean, wild guesses may be a weird Republican now. I don't know. He said he was very nice. No one asked questions about, hey, why are you doing this? It's a little better than selling reverse mortgages, right? But my friend at one point was like, Captain Lamas? And he goes, yeah, Jeff.

Call me Captain Lamas. Like, totally said he was totally dreamy, tan. He's like, yeah, Jeff. He's like, what's our altitude going to be? He's like, 500 feet. And yeah, it was like a 15-minute helicopter ride with Lorenzo Lamas. Renegades. I'm looking up Lorenzo Lamas as IMDB.

I just want to make sure. Look up Lorenzo Lamas helicopters. It's in his Wikipedia. Wow. This IMDB mobile app is not that fun to use. I think Lorenzo Lamas was probably in some of those. He was on those, maybe not Dynasty, but like Nuts Landing. Falcon Crest.

Falcon Crest. Christ, I would love to have that man fly my helicopter. Shit. The man looks like a million dollars. Lamas works. I have not heard of any of these things. Let's just start at 2017. Secrets of Deception.

He plays Greg with two Gs. Boone, the bounty hunter. He plays Walker. Lucha Underground. He plays Councilman Delgado. You know about his 1984 West German album, Fingerprints? No. Or his American maxi single, Smooth Talker?

Oh, boy. Okay. I don't... Okay. Did you know he flies fucking helicopters? I do now. He does something called Railroad to Hell, A Chinaman's Chance. No.

Yeah. I don't. I don't. A Chinaman's Chance at what? He did appear in WWJD, What Would Jesus Do? The Journey Continues. He played Jack. And, of course, he plays FBI agent in the upcoming film, coming soon in 2020, Scorpion

Girl Awakening dot, dot, dot, the movie. Wow. What a wacky resume. I think he's probably... He played Special Agent Logan in Raptor Ranch. That sounds good. Yeah, that's pretty good. He's probably offer...

I can't say that. He's probably offer only, wouldn't you say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He played a flight instructor in Succubus Hellbent. That's probably where he learned to fly a helicopter. Seems likely. Oh, and of course, 2014's Bro, What Happened? Plays Chiba.

Plays Chiba. Anyway, did you guys see any of these Lorenzo Lamas movies? Give us a call. 206-9844-FUN. Did you see The Circuit 2, The Final Punch, or did you just see the first Circuit? I saw the first Circuit. They said it. The Circuit.

I did see The Final Punch. I didn't see the original Punch. Oh, okay. But by the way, he said he was a great pilot. He was very nice. Wow. And he said he'd fly with him again. You know what?

Triple threat. Acting, helicopters, wife fucking. In 1989, he appeared in both Snake Eater and Snake Eater 2, the drug buster. Wow. As what? Buster. Busta or buster? Buster.

Okay. All right. Well. So that's Catalina. It's kind of a dingy place but the wedding was beautiful really fun should i take my children there kids would love it your kids would love it okay yeah and it's you can do a day trip it's really it's a 45 50 minute boat ride are there places to eat there i have a pretty limited diet i'm a snake eater oh yeah i think if you go up to the ranch at the top of the island great

feed you some snakes there's bison up there if something momentous happens to you 206-984-4-fun is the telephone number to call reaches our producer brian he listens to them he decides which ones he likes and doesn't like uh the ones he likes, he plays on the show and he plays them in the segment that's called Momentous Occasions, which is this segment. Let's play them

now. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to guess Nick Repeat Adams. No, fuck you. My name is Curtis from Hamilton, Michigan. Of course. And I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I just got home from a date with a lady of the females persuasion

in which I received my first kiss. Um, it's especially momentous as I am 30 years old. So that was both lovely and depressing, but mostly lovely. Yeah, they got these apps now. What do you mean, for kissing? Yeah, you get on these kissing. Look, I'm a married man You use the apps You guys are out there

I'm Look I got your ball and chain back home Okay So I'm not on the apps, okay No kissing going on No Steve Carell didn't get laid

Until he was 40 It's true And now he's a fucking movie star Hang in there That documentary Yeah My wife didn't get laid Until she fucked that octopus It's true. And now he's a fucking movie star. Hang in there. That documentary. Yeah. My wife didn't get laid until she fucked that octopus.

Speaking of documentaries. Let's address the Nick Repeat Adams thing. Steve, you've got to be creeping up on Nick Repeat Adams for guest numbers, right? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how many it's been a while. I mean, here's the thing. I mean, Nick's been at it a little longer. Nick's been at it since the very beginning. I think it was a couple years in before you got in the game, Steve.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the reality is this. Nick has children to care for. So when someone cancels at the last minute, Agee is around. Unless he's off in Vancouver shooting the Snake Eater 3 with the great Lorenzo Llamas. That's a nice

snake. It's a spicy snake. You play Italian Snake Chef, right? Yeah. Anyway, my point is they got these apps now. You want some cobra? So you swipe. You swipe. Yeah.

All right, it's me, the Italian sniky. That's a little cockney. We're going in a different direction. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. We'll keep your- They got these apps now.

You ain't never kiss nobody. Just go swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. Do you think that this is mainly religious? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah. Like a religious up. Maybe he's not religious but had a religious upbringing. Maybe you feel shame for sex and things like that.

It can kind of set you back. Yeah. Or maybe this guy just thinks this is the one. This guy should have asked me. I'd have kissed him. Yeah. Right on the mouth. Yeah, right in the old pecker.

Right in the pecker. Pecker. Well, hey, good. You can beat his penis. Pecker. Hey, Peckerwood. Get over here, Pecklewood. I want to kiss your penis.

I'm going to kiss you right on your shaft. Nice little kiss on your penis. On your boba's head. Hello there, governor. We're going in a different direction. I'd love to give a kiss to you right on your shaft. It's a very sensitive area. Brian, we got another call in there?

Yeah. That was great, by the way. Congratulations. Thank you for sharing that with us. Way to kiss. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to guess Linda Holmes. I am. No.

Can you pause this? Brian, think about simple geography. If you're going to make a guess, think about simple geography. Jordan, where does Linda Holmes live? Washington, D.C. Our nation's capital. It's like guessing. You might as well guess Congressman John Lewis.

He also lives in Washington, D.C., I'm sure. What about Eleanor Holmes Norton, the representative for Washington, D.C.? What about Cory Booker? Yeah, what about Senator Cory Booker? What about him? What about the late Janet Reno? These are people that you might as well guess.

If you're a nut bar. By the way, what do you think the odds are this girl is going to say, my momentous occasion is I kissed a guy and it was his first time and he was 30. I think that would be great. I would love that.

Steve Agee. Any more Rashomon call segments. Steve Agee lives right here in central Los Angeles. Yeah. He doesn't have to board a freighter around the Cape to get down here like Linda does. Usually when Linda comes, she rides it. I think it was a good educated guess.

Linda's got a book out. She's doing the rounds. Hasn't she already been on since the book came out? I think she's probably on the episode before this. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Actually, pretty good guess. Yeah.

Pretty good guess. Fair enough. Wait. Nothing happened. Play the rest of the call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to guess Linda. Wrong. I'm calling.

Still. Jet Sessions? This week, I gave birth on my couch at home, and I'm currently drinking a placenta smoothie. Oh, shit. That's it. Have a good one. The couch is for napping. We established that at the beginning of the show.

Not baby crapping. Don't go crapping out a baby on that thing. How are people going to nap? The nice thing is if you put enough nanners in there, you can hardly taste a placenta. Just put in a few frozen nanners, maybe orange juice can i tell you something i'm i don't hope i'm not breaking my aunt's confidence uh in sharing this but you know my aunt claudia my mom's lifelong best friend uh is a doula in washington dc our nation's capital home of Linda Holmes. Yeah. And she's also a midwife. She's a doula and midwife.

Yeah. And one day she told me that she bought one of these placenta encapsulation machines. And I was like, Claudia, are you into that? That doesn't seem like your thing. Her thing is like, you know, go to Haiti and teach people how to deliver babies. That's my Aunt Claudia's thing. My Aunt Claudia's a badass. And she says, she looks at me and she says, honey, no.

But if these white ladies want to pay me to do this shit, I'll take their money. And I was like, fair enough. Because I know my aunt's a good midwife and doula. I know that for a fact. So if those white ladies want to pay her to encapsulate those placentas, go to town. Go to town. She should have got a magic bullet. Sounds like it's smoothies or nothing these days.

It's all fucking smoothies now. Is that a boost you can get at the Jamba Juice? Right, yeah. 50 cents? Yeah. Turd boost. Fudge is made around the corner. You already got your milk, milk lemonade.

Why don't you head around the corner? On the sofa, huh? Yeah. Sofa seems like, it does seem like, I mean, if you put down a tarpaulin. Sure. You know? Yeah. Lay out a tarpaulin.

Is that one of those parrots? It's good because you want to be able to have different positions when you're birthing. Right. You've never given birth, Jordan. No, I hope never to. I know a lot about this. You want to have different positions. You want to be able to squat, hold something.

You want to be able to get on hands and knees. Yeah, there's all kinds of different ways you want to go. You got to squat. You got to squat. If that's one thing I know. Absolutely. You've got to squat. See, I just picture someone laying on their back. That's the secret to giving birth, and it's the secret to J-Lo being in great shape in her 50s.

Sure, yeah. Way to go. Squats. Hey, congratulations on your baby. Yes. Do you have another call in the bag? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. I just had a momentous occasion that I thought I would share with you.

My roommate just mistakenly added me onto an email for a sex party he was going to. The subject line of the email was a special sort of party, and I have a fairly common first name, so I think he was trying to email someone else. Anyway, I got this email, and about five minutes later, I get another email from him,

and I think it might be, you know, something... Something about the fan in your room? Something to the effect of, oops. But it turns out he has not yet realized I am mistakenly on the email. And he wants to tell me, wants to let me know that from here on out, he is going by the pseudonym pseudonym uh tobias black bauer and that is his secret sex party name not anymore we forwarded these emails to the rest of our house and yeah all right have a good one bye it's fucking awesome that's what a mind-blowing call. And the wind noise.

Where was he? First of all, who even knew that cell phones worked inside of automotive aerodynamics testing tubes? Sure. A guy shooting Acura commercials. Wow. Tobias Blackwater? You know, I think we should make a new rule. Right.

You call in live as it's happening, which this caller did. God bless them. Thank you for doing that in such a timely fashion. He's got you on speed dial. But you also maybe leave your number in case we need to loop it. Right. If we need to loop it ADR later, if we need to re-record and match the lip movements. That's great. You get an extra day of sag minimum for that.

Yeah. Huh. So this guy, the roommate sounds like he is using his sex party name as his name now. Yeah. What was it? Tobias

Black Bear Water. Black Bean Soup. Black Bauer. now yeah what was it tobias black bear water black black bean soup black bauer excuse me black bauer yeah not jack bauer yeah tobias jack bauer name of keifer southern can only have 24 people at this fuck party um yeah i mean i wonder if the roommate is is disappointed that it was a mistaken invite, you know? I would feel a little bit left out. You know what, though? Maybe it's one of those mistakes that's, like, also just— Trying to get caught.

Whoops! Or just, like, trying to open a door, you know? Because it would be—it is, to be frank, it puts your roommate in a difficult position to directly invite them to a sex party. Sure. Yeah, you're right. Because you have to live with this person. If they're not into it, it could be a problem. Sure.

And you know what? Everybody likes to play all sex positive these days, but I think everybody's still a little judgy and it's like people can be a little judgy. Yeah. And when you just if you just invite your roommate Lance and you act like you meant to invite. the wire right also on bosh gifted actor from amazon's bosh or maybe lance armstrong or lance bangs or lance bangs friend of jordan jesse go yeah yeah lance bangs nice man of portland oregon um then that gives you an opportunity to kind of low-key check out if your roommate's into this kind of thing. He's into it. And if they're not, no harm, no foul. Sure, they know your secret name now. They could blab it all over Reddit or whatever.

Sure, put it on a podcast. Yeah, but in general... How many people are searching Tobias Black Bauer now and listening to this podcast? Oh, I'd love to meet Tobias. Blow him up, everybody. Anyway. Blow him up, blow him down, blow him every which way.

Sure. Well, I guess that's why he wants to go to the sex party. All 23 of you. Sure. Gather around. You think anybody calls him Toby? Toby B? Yeah.

Toby B Bauer? Toby Double B? Toby Double B. Toby Double B. Toby B is his 1987 rapper name. I guess, yeah, I guess he, yeah, I guess if this, if this spoils Tobias Black Bauer for him, that being on this popular podcast, he will probably have to change it yet again. Mm-hmm. Hmm.

I'm sorry. My first thought is- Our apologies to Mr. Black Bauer. Do you have any ideas for alternate names? My immediate thought was Paul Blart, but I might be taken. Sure. Paul Blart, sex cop. If something momentous happens to you, our telephone number is 206-9844-FUN, or you can just email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org

Remember, if you are going to record your call in a wind tunnel, make sure that the wind has colored smoke in it so you can see the aerodynamics as it passes by. Otherwise, you're not going to gather a lot of information from the wind tunnel. You're going to need that

colored smoke. God only knows you're going to need that fucking colored smoke. We'll be back in just a second. I'm trying to test it. Go. Well, Alexis, we got big news. Oh, season one. Done.

It's over. Season two. Coming big news. Uh-oh. Season one, done. It's over. Season two, coming at you hot. Three years after. Three and a half. Season one, technically almost four years. All right. And now, listen, here at Can I Pet Your Dog, the Smash It podcast, our seasons run for three and a half years.

And then in season two, we come at you with new hot co-hosts named you. Hi, I'm Alexis. And I also am. All the field troops. Dog tech. Yeah. Dog news. Dog news. Celebrity guests. Oh, big shots. Hey everyone, it's John Roderick La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. You don't even necessarily have to have seen the movie to get a lot out of an episode of Friendly Fire. In many cases, we would recommend that you not watch the movie because there are some really, really bad war movies. But a bad war movie makes a great war movie podcast. And in all cases, we recommend you listen to our show. So subscribe and download to Friendly Fire wherever you get your podcasts.

To the victor go the spoiler alerts. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, American Napdad. Jordan Morris, Ocean Master. Hashtag Ocean Master was right. Steve Agee. Last King of Scotland.

Wow. And the Prince of Persia. It's a royalty themed nickname roundup. It's really something else. Steve and Age A.G. Yes. Of course, every time you're on the program, I'm out here telling people, hey, if you're not following Steve A.G. on Instagram, you got to make a priority of that. You got to get with it. This man is a gifted artist in multiple fields, and one of them is the field of photography.

It's my favorite. Photography is my favorite. So you'd say number one photography. Big time. Number two would be podcast guest appearance. It's up there. I like it. Number three, acty guy. Acty guy.

Yeah, act man. Four, assassin. Oh, wow. Weird way to find this out. Work's been... It's a weird way to find this out. Work's been really slow lately, though. Oh, okay. But, you know, you got to take the time that you got to take. Yeah.

If anybody's out there and, you know, finds out about a duplicitous octopus that's been fucking your wife... I'll kill that fucker in a minute. That's right. Damn it. Get that fucking octopus. Oh, you ate that octopus on your side.

Fucking tentacled motherfucker. Stick it one right in the beak. Sorry, were you going to fuck the octopus or? I could.

Yeah, just stick it. I'm not above it. Just stick it right in that fucking beak. Oh, yeah. Nasty cephalopod. I think they're cephalopods.

Why not? Yeah, who cares? Might as well be. It's all the same when you're fucking it in the beak, right, fellas? It's all the same inside. Yep, it's all the same phylum to me. It's all pink in the middle, right, guys? Sure, yeah.

What? If it's got a beak and I can fuck it, that's what Charles Darwin said. Sure. Then he figured out that thing about opening up the nuts, and that led to the theory of evolution. I'm getting the octopus impression, I should say, in this situation. Two in the pink, one in the beak. Sure. And then a third in the stink.

They have a mighty stink. Steve Agee's on that Instagram. You're also on Twitter at Steve Agee. At Steve Agee all across the board. You got any exciting stuff coming up that people should look forward to? No. In a couple of years, you'll appear in a motion picture that we heard about before this that people will be excited about. That's way down the line. Hopefully I'll be on before then. A couple times maybe.

Four or five times. I'm going to say five times. I'm going to say before this movie comes out. This will be fun because I think we can track this. We can easily track this. Brian, make a note. It's the a note as well. 2019. Before this movie comes out, Steve Agee will be on five times. Five times. Five times. I pledge. Okay. If I have anything to say about it. No, you don't.

And a chicken in every pot, you say. That's right. This is my pledge to you, the listener. Five Steve Agees and a chicken in every pot before a certain movie gets released. That's a big promise. Before that movie comes out. People will know what the movie is once it comes out. Yeah, yeah.

They'll see Steve Agee's in there and they'll be, they'll say, oh, yeah, I know what movie they're talking about. I'll be on the poster, waving, my eyes will follow you when you walk past it. Yeah. It's Godfather 4. Yes. They're finally making, because Steve Agee said, yes, he'd been holding out for 20 years, but. He's ready. It's Godfather 4, Bill and Ted 3.

Two great sequels. Cannot wait. It's going to be great. Bill and Ted 3. Steve Agee, it's always a joy to see you. Thanks, guys. Thank you for coming and joining us. Pleasure.

Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. My dog is Coco the dog. She was in here this whole time. She was as good as can be. True. You know, the closest she came to disrupting this podcast recording, Jordan, was when she rolled over on her back with her little paws up because she wanted belly rubs. Yeah.

Yeah. But you know, that wasn't that distracting. It was a lot of fun. I went ahead and did the belly rubs. Sure. You gotta. You're being vulnerable. I could use a chance to listen instead of running my goddamn mouth for once on this show. Yeah, goddammit.

Fuck. Running my goddamn mouth. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program. Hey, guess what? We're gonna have some special Summer Boys of Summer merchandise in the MaxFun store.

That's right. Breast pumps. Breast pumps. Eminently. It's MaxFun store. That's right. Breast pumps. Breast pumps. Imminently. It's MaxFunStore.com. We're talking about challenge coins. Guitar picks. Beach balls.

Guitar strings. And posters. And guitars. All of Steve's are fake. All at Max Rashguards. Rashguards. Going to have Rashguards. That's fake.

Going to have mid-thigh Speedos. Titty lotion. That's fake. Going to have mid-thigh Speedos. Titty lotion. That's a fake. You. I was going to say neoprene eye masks. Oh, that's a good one. Neoprene eye masks. Those don't go on your titties.

It's no titty lotion. Yeah. They do look like they could go on your titties. That's something interesting about those masks. They do look like some kind of facial sports bra. Yeah, some little titty slings. Little tit sling. Jesus Christ.

We better get out of here while we still can. We're on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. Like us on Facebook. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. I'm at Jesse Thorne on Twitter. We will talk to you next time on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. Like us on Facebook. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. I'm at Jesse Thorne on Twitter. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Kony 2012! Wow.

Was that the right ear? Yes, it was. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture Artist owned Audience supported