Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 596: The Summer Boys of Summer Tour Part 3

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

Live from Washington, D.C. and Austin, Texas -- it's PART THREE of The Summer Boys of Summer Tour with special guests Linda Holmes (Evvie Drake Starts Over), Glen Weldon (The Caped Crusade), Stephen Thompson (NPR's The Good Listener column), Rachel McElroy (Wonderful podcast) and Griffin McElroy (Wonderful podcast, My Brother, My Brother and Me podcast)! Couldn't make it to a live Summer Boys of Summer show? Grab a beach ball, a poster, or a challenge coin from MaxFunStore.com and feel like you did!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Jordan. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, my sweet, beautiful Jordan. Yes, yes, you're addressing me as you always do. Nothing unusual here. My dewy, my dewy, dewy boy. Yep, this is par for the course.

This is normal. Keep doing this. My soft, lovely man boy. I definitely like this. I keep doing it. I like it. My Jordan, Jordan, Jordan My foolish but sensuous Alter Ego

Alter Ego Wow That's a big reveal about the show It's been one guy the whole time Fucking Tyler Durden Tyler Durden meets Phil Hendry Yeah Hey

You're about to hear some good, good stuff from the Summer Boys of Summer Tour. Here are our guests that will be coming up on the program. In Washington, D.C., we had the big three from the Pop Culture Happy Hour.

Of course, we mean Linda Holmes, Glenn Weldon, and Stephen Thompson making his Jordan Jesse Goesse-Go debut. Tons of fun. We love them. They each are big in their own way. Linda's got the big brain. Stephen's got the big attitude.

And Glenn's got the big guns. That's true. Jesse's flexing. Yeah. And then we will be traveling to Austin, Texas to hang out with the great Griffin and Rachel McElroy of the Wonderful Podcast. Yeah. That's the title of the podcast. Wonderful.

Wonderful. Wonderful! Exclamation mark. We think you are really going to enjoy this show. We certainly enjoyed recording these segments for you. Look, I didn't just enjoy recording these segments. I enjoyed meeting Glenn Weldon's partner at dinner.

That was a lot of fun. It was nice to meet him. I'd heard a lot about him, but I'd never met him before. And then, we got to meet him. Oh, it was great. A lot of fun. Everybody out there is jealous, I bet. I know. Sorry. We met him in U8. Sorry. We talked about his scooter.

So we're way ahead of you assholes. Oh, wow. Sorry. We talked about his scooter. So we're way ahead of you, assholes. Oh, wow. Yeah. Sorry. I just don't think technically that people who haven't met Glenn Weldon's partner are human. Wow. Oh, well. I think they're monsters.

Well, me, your alter ego disagrees. I don't hate them. I pity them. Oh, okay. Right, right. Like you would pity a slug or an amoeba. No, like I would pity somebody who's never tasted a great tiramisu. Oh, sure.

Love it. I've tasted a great tiramisu. One of my favorite desserts. Oh, I love a beautiful tiramisu with my sweet boy Jordan. Well, yeah. We're going to go to the stage in Austin, Texas and Washington, D.C. It's really nice. I just want to say it's a real thrill to be performing in a movie theater that is also showing Detective Pikachu.

a movie theater that is also showing Detective Pikachu. Is anyone confused because you were here to see Detective Pikachu? Because I can just describe the plot if that's what you'd prefer. I think this is going to be more of a Sonic the Hedgehog situation. There are a lot of people out there thinking like, I feel like they got the character designs wrong.

Why isn't he pregnant? That's how I prefer Sonic. Or Jordan. Yeah. I'm just waiting for the right two-tailed fox to come along. We've had...

This is... We're very excited to is, this is, we're very excited to be here in Washington, D.C. Yeah. My mother is a Washington, D.C. native.

Spent, spent a lot of time working at a Borders Books and Music downtown one summer when I thought I had been offered an NPR internship,

but then it turned out I hadn't. It was fine. I had a boss who, my boss once came to me and he said, everybody works here at Borders because they truly love books. And then he showed me his collection

of James Patterson first editions. I guess the local bottled water here is called Thurster? That sounds like a dating app I should be on. Does anyone want to match on Thurster? When I was on the airplane today, there was a lady with a service guinea pig on her lap. It was fucking awesome.

It was so cool. What service was it providing? I don't know, maybe Internet It's a go-go in-flight guinea pig It's a little too expensive and it crashes a lot Oh, you know, sorry We want to bring out the guests

But I just have here on the agenda Jesse, you You had something kind of serious you wanted to talk about? Oh, yeah, gee whiz. So obviously probably even a lot of you work in government or government-adjacent jobs here in Washington, D.C. Is that so? Few people. You know, I always start asking the other people, not you, ma'am.

This is all real, ma'am. So I thought, well, here's the thing. Like, Jordan and I have been doing a lot of jokes on Jordan and Jesse Go for many, many years. But lately, as the world has changed around us, and frankly, as I've become a father, I've gotten more interested in civics and so on and so forth, I found myself thinking of myself less as a comedian, more as a... Well, as a laughter-vist.

And I wrote this open letter that I wanted to present here in Washington, D.C., the seat of our nation's government, and I wonder if it would be okay if we just took a quick break from jokes, you know, just five to 18 minutes

break from jokes and just talked about something serious. Is that okay? I kind of like want to read it into the record, so to speak. It's called An Open Letter to All Freedom-Loving Americans by Jesse Thorne, laughter-vist. What does it mean to be free? Is it to be free from tyranny, free from want, free from pain? Or is it to be free from ineptitude? Free from the tragicomic face plants perpetrated

by people in power? Here in America, the powerful are chosen by the people. We ourselves pick our leaders. We head to that polling booth, make our choice, pull the lever. We choose a leader to carry forth and embody our hopes and dreams. And what are those hopes and dreams? We'll choose a warrior, one who will be righteous, courageous, represent the best of us. But what do we find today in our nation's capital? What do we find in the hallowed halls of our national legislature? Is it a phalanx of Galahads? A multitude of fire-eyed St. Georges tilting eternally against the evils which face us?

No. These people are not scholars, statesmen, thinkers. Who represents the people in this circus of lawmaking? Are they lion tamers holding our enemies at bay? Acrobats mesmerizing us with impossible feats of law? Are they ringmasters orchestrating the madness of our lives? No, not for a moment. Where we should see the strong jaws of heroes, we see only grease paint. Sick twisted eyebrows. Crazy curls.

Friends, I say it to you tonight in the plainest language I can muster. I, for one, an American, am sick and tired of these clowns in Congress. I ask you, do we hear in our legislative body the clarion call of freedom? No! We hear only the sharp spray of the seltzer bottle. The beeps of two small cars. The yips of tiny hatted dogs. We live, friends, in a clownocracy.

Government by the clowns, for the clowns, and of the clowns. And without our hard work, it shall never vanish from this earth. Can there be hope for America when the people's work is done by japing jesters? When in our stand stand horrible harlequins when we're served by these pallid punchinellos. I say, no, sir, no, ma'am, no clowns. The time has come to rid our nation of these unicycling mountebanks. Let us cry into the heavens.

No clowns, no clowns, no clowns in the people's house, No clowns. No clowns. No clowns in the people's house. No clowns in our great land. We stand and fight together for our children, our parents, our neighbors, our friends, our lovers, our sisters, our brothers, our pets. I ask you to cry and with me tonight. No clowns! No clowns! No clowns!

No clowns! There's anybody here who's just like kind of a casual fan of the show? You're just like here to see Pop Culture Happy Hour or something? That was part of a running joke. I also want to clarify, for people who are just casual fans of the show,

they came with a date, or they're here to see Pop Culture Happy Hour. When Jordan says joke, we use a very broad definition of the word joke. It includes me just wasting ten minutes of your life.

Alright, alright. Roll Detective Pikachu! It's me! That roll Detective Pikachu. It's me. That's Detective Pikachu's famous catchphrase. It's me. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, This week, we are also supported by the folks at ZipRecruiter. Hiring is challenging, but there's one place you can go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. That place is ZipRecruiter.

Jordan. What? I have a job, and I request, I want to send it to over 100 of the world's leading job boards. Well, fancy announcer, ZipRecruiter sends your job to over a hundred of the world's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. They use their powerful matching technology to scan thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience

and invite them to apply for your job. What kind of announcements would this type of announcer normally make? Oh, our train to Poughkeepsie is 20 minutes late. Yeah, maybe not that, but who knows what. We've taken a look at the tests and the news is bad.

There you go. Oh, no. Don't say it ain't so, goofy doctor. Yeah. ZipRecruiter is so effective, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. I have to hire more doctor announcers. I'm using ZipRecruiter to give people, to find the right people to give people bad news. Oh, boy.

You maybe have a little hot tea? Is your throat getting a little sore, goofy, and out? I'm a little scratchy I smoke unfiltered cigarettes oh boy you work for a doctor's office right here in the hospital I blow it in the face

of bird ward patients hey our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address ZipRecruiter.com ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Hey, we're also sponsored this week by Dash Lane. Oh, that's our buddies that keep you safe on the internet.

They protect you from every direction, Jordan. If you're worried about losing access to accounts, having weak or reused passwords, or somebody monitoring your internet history, you are going to want to go to Dashlane.com slash JJGO. All my passwords are crumpet69. All you have to do is download it and you won't have to worry again about online security. Worried about that recent tech company hack? Dashlane will tell you if your data is compromised. Ah, thank goodness. Worried about having access to your passwords on any device?

Dashlane's got you covered. There's a basic free version, but Dashlane Premium has all of the features listed above, and it's cheaper than most VPNs or standalone security devices. Get peace of mind knowing that Dashlane is actively protecting you from every angle, including up. Oh, watch about left. That's left especially. Go to Dashlane.com slash JJGo.

You get a free 30-day trial of Dashlane Premium where you can see all of the features in action and then try out Dashlane for yourself. If you like it, you can use coupon code JJGo at checkout for a 10% discount. Dashlane. This week, Jordan Jesse Go has two sponsors. Dashlane.com slash JJ Go. JJ Go at checkout for 10% off. Good night.

That's what he says before he smothers people. Ends it with a pillow. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Hey, we mentioned them a second ago. I think it's time to bring out our guests. Yeah. Very exciting. Three of my personal favorite podcasters slash people on earth. Yeah. We have Stephen Thompson, Glenn Weldon, and Linda Holmes from Pop Culture Happy Hour. Pop Culture Happy Hour, friends.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. We got all of them, baby. We tried to get Audie Cornish too But she said no Apparently she has Dignity Phalanx of Galahad Yeah

Phalanx of Galahad That was one of the many Not jokes In that extended Let's just go down the line What from the show so far Do you think has worked? I think introducing

Pop Culture Hour went over pretty good. Yeah. It was the part where we walked out on stage and people clapped. That was fun. That was a joy.

Actually, that didn't go well for me because the best way to begin any on-stage event is by being too short to climb up on the stage. But Glenn Weldon gave you a hand and we all got a little gun show. It's true, but it still took two tries.

I'm so upset. All right, go ahead. For our at-home listeners, Glenn Weldon affectionately rubbed his gun. He affectionately rubbed his gun. See, you think you can shame me. You cannot. No, I'm so pumped about your guns, Glenn. I think it's so great.

Hey, Glenn, which way to the Washington Monument? Okay, okay. Hold on. Something, okay. Someone sent us homemade Pop-Tarts from Ted's Bulletin? All right. You take these back and grind them up in some fucking ice cream. Bulletin? All right.

You take these back and grind them up in some fucking ice cream. What thoughtful asshole sent these? I also love going to a comedy show and the one thing that I want from the talent

is to watch them sit and eat into a microphone. And hear them chew. You guys have done some live pop culture happy hours in the past. Do fans send things up

when you guys perform? That's a no. No. We don't really ask them to though. No. Yeah, we demand it. Yeah, you gotta make your calls

to action clear. I would like it Why don't our listeners ever palm us drugs? Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you meet your heroes? That's us. Let's be honest. You're supposed to palm them some drugs.

Yeah, listen, and if not that, just take me out to a public park and show me where I can score some horse. It's D.C., baby. I gotta try that D.C. horse. Jordan's getting real itchy up here. Anyway, it was nice of NPR's PR department to let you guys appear on this show.

And to wait until after the show to announce that I have been dropped from NPR. It's interesting. We were kind of talking about the tour backstage, and something very cool that happened at our Chicago show was during the Momentous Occasions segment, we had a proposal.

Someone proposed. Right? Terrible thing to do. And Stephen said, good for them, I'm not a fan. Of love. It seems like everybody kind of shares this position. Can you guys explain this?

What about that was repellent to you? Go nuts. The presumptuousness. Go ahead, Thompson. It's an incredibly presumptuous thing to do. You want to let the love of your life reject you in private. You want to leave the door open to that.

Or just do it on on my favorite murder or something more popular podcast well it's just a very it's a way of saying let's everyone stop what you're doing let's I mean I suppose momentous occasions

if you're going to do a public proposal it's as good as any. That's actually the motto of our show. Jordan, Jesse, go, colon, as good as any. For a while it was Jordan, Jesse, go, colon, it's no minor league baseball game. But if you're doing it at something

like a baseball game or someone else's party or something like that, it has a sort of a everyone stop what you're doing while I have an event that I didn't ask you if you wanted to come to, but here you are. In level of look-at-me obnoxiousness, it's like public proposal flash mob. Like very good.

I have a friend who used a flash mob to get engaged. Taking a picture for Instagram of your own arm. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, that's... Which someone might have done. Depends on the beauty of your guns, am I right? Okay, alright. You got a couple shooters like those,

gotta put them on the gram. See, this is literally all I want in the world is the validation of straight men because I'm broken. Especially super yoked ones. It wasn't enough that you had to drag me up on the stage. No, no, no. It's like college never happened.

Like this whole thing about the validation of straight men. I haven't learned a thing. Also because gay men have a different scale. You guys, heterosexual is great on a curve. So what is a A- to you is a C- to me. To us. To my people.

You're the 7-point scale versus the 10-point scale. Did you actually point at us when you said C-? I can't see straight down the line, so I'm going to assume you did. Linda, you are joining us hot off book tour. I am. I am, I am. Yeah, I have been doing a little bit of traveling in support of my first novel, which is called Evie Drake Starts Over.

Which, by the way, I've read and it totally fucking rules. And I was also on The Wonderful Bullseye. That episode dropped today and I talked about it. Boo! And so I was in earlier this week, I was in

New York on Monday and New York on Tuesday and then I was over at Politics on Pros on Wednesday. Yeah. Not the downtown borders? No. And then last night I was in Portland, Maine. So I'm all over

the place. And then I have some days off and then I have another nutty week of travel. But that's not next week but the following week. Has anyone palmed you any drugs? No. Nor have they given me any homemade Pop-Tarts. It's kind of like, you know. Yeah, there you go. We got some. They're good. The Pop-Tarts are very good. Thank you. I was a late ad to this show and I sort of feel like

the visuals suggested it. It wasn't clear that I was going to be able to be here, so I kind of do feel like I'm the person who's sort of on the end, like, kids, do you have room? Is it a good idea to slide in there? And they're like, we'll scooch, sure. We'll scooch, it's fine. For the folks at home, Linda has spent most of the show partially obscured by an inflatable palm tree.

It's called stagecraft, Jordan. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Do you have a cute signature when you're signing books, or is it just Linda Holmes? You know, the great writer Alexander Chee told me... Thank you. The great writer Alexander Chee told me and tells people generally, you have to come up with a new signature when you're signing books because otherwise people can like steal your identity.

I know. What? I heard somebody go, oh. And that's how I felt. I thought, damn, that's true. And then I thought, honestly, anybody who wants to steal my identity is not going to actually need my signature because who actually looks at your signature? No one.

So now your signature is just your social security number? Exactly. I decided it would be my social security number, my blood type. Your mother's maiden name. My mother's maiden name and the street where I grew up. And also the model of my first car, which, by the way, was a Buick Skyhawk. Dodge Omni. 57 Chevy.

What? Chevrolet El Camino. Oh, stop being cool. No, no, no, it was. Roller blades. First and current. First and current. I'll be riding him down to the public park later to score me some of that DC horse.

If I just keep repeating that DC horse thing, I think it will go over better. And this is a real horse-friendly crowd. Have you been having fun on Booktour, Linda? Is it just taxing? Let me ask you this. Do you get strength or lose strength from interacting with people? I lose strength from interacting with people.

When I took one of those personality tests a long time ago, and it came back saying that I was an introvert, one of the people that I knew at work said, are you sure you didn't take it upside down? And I said, no, I actually, you know, interacting with people, I get better at it as I go along and I do it more. But Stephen and I often talk. You mean as you get drunker? Yeah. Stephen and I often talk about it as an energy transfer. Yeah. you get drunker yeah steven and i often talk about it as an energy transfer so you're just like you know and you when you i'm always very depleted at the end but i also really love it so i always

want to do it more even though it makes me exhausted so i think that's actually how the horse comes into it you have a hunger for a lifestyle that you cannot maintain you've got kind of a johnny cash type drug problem is what you're saying i will say i did have a hunger for a lifestyle that you cannot maintain. You've got kind of a Johnny Cash type drug problem is what you're saying. I will say I did have a moment when the book was about to come out when I was like, I'm unmanageably anxious and also extremely happy and I'm so exhausted that I don't know how to do all the things I'm supposed to do. And I thought, this is how people decide I'm going to become a person who takes drugs in my creative career.

And I was more sympathetic to it than I've ever been. I used drugs earlier and I thought they would be gone by now, but they're not. You know, when you mentioned personality test, I just wanted to bring up that me and my office, we all took the which character in Big Little Lies are you quiz? Do you guys want to guess who I got? Renata. We're taking more guesses.

Okay. Are you Nicole Kidman? Steven, you want to weigh in? I only watched the first few episodes the first season. I don't remember. I remember there's a dern involved. There's a dern. I'm going to say there's a dern.

Jesse, the staircase. Boy, you're not going to be tough to get a better joke answer than that, Jesse. Try. I'm completely unfamiliar with Big Little Lies. The only Monterey-based media that I really know about

is Star Trek IV, so I'm going to say you got Transparent Aluminum. Laura Dern. Laura Dern. Doesn't get any better than that. I'm a real Dern. I got Marianne Williamson.

You guys do a terrific pop culture podcast. One of my favorites, Pop Culture Happy Hour. And you talk about things with a lot of passion. You talk about pop culture with a lot of passion. Of your time on the show, how long have you guys been doing this? Nine years. Yeah, long running.

In the nine years, what would you say is the hottest take you have eaten from the show? Yeah, my hot takes. Is there a take that has gotten you in trouble or been the source of fighting? Glenn, is it hating Golden Girls? It's kind of probably hating Golden Girls, yeah, for me.

Whoa. Don't leave. Is it hating Golden Girls? It's kind of probably hating Golden Girls, yeah, for me. Whoa. Don't leave. He does not speak for us. Weldon is an island. My parents loved it, loved it so, and so I think that's probably a big part of it. But I also just, you know, the set-up punchline, set-up punchline,

it's shticky, It just never spoke to me. Was there a difference in kind of that adolescent Weldon invested his feelings in? No, no, no. I mean, I just... You a mash man? Yeah. I was actually, I used to tape mash. So I used to hang a microphone around the dial. The dial.

You would cassette record mash? I would. Audio cassette record MASH? Yep. Because you couldn't get enough of that zippy dialogue? What's your point? Yes. Yes.

The early... So you have to kind of... Not when Trapper John was there, because Trapper John was a dick. But as soon as BJ came on, who was easy on the eyes, and maybe about four or five seasons with... Once you get Charles Emerson Winchester, As soon as BJ came on, who was easy on the eyes, and maybe about four or five seasons,

once you get Charles Emerson Winchester, who was my style icon, and remains my soul icon, that was the time when there was actually really good dialogue. Really funny, snappy dialogue. Plus sappiness. You kind of zip past that. Glenn, you've shat upon the Golden Girls.

I have. If you want to win the audience back, say something nice about Firefly. Do it or they'll leave. I really liked Firefly. Okay. Someone hiss Firefly? Oh, boy.

We do not have security here, so we cannot protect you, person. Yeah, you've dug your own grave. Yeah, let's just go down the line. Steven, what's your hottest take? Yeah, do you have a hot... Hottest take? I've been sitting here for the last 90 seconds blanking on the name of the flavor country guy

Guy Fieri I'm sitting here like his whole thing is right there it's just a smash mouth video playing before my eyes and I could not remember the name Guy Fieri I launched a spirited defense of Guy Fieri on our show sounds like you have some support he's a divisive Fieri on our show. Okay. Sounds like you have some support. Thank you.

Because, you know, he's a divisive mayor. Yes. First of all, he has been the most controversial mayor that Flavortown has ever had. I was going to say, he has been good to the people of Flavortown. Right. They prospered under him. He's a just

and fair leader. They had not previously tasted avocados. The roads are paved with ranch dressing. I think a lot of critiques of Guy Fieri are inherently and deeply classist. Sure. And that a lot of dunking on Guy Fieri is a way of saying,

I'm cooler than Guy Fieri, which, come on, aim a little higher. Are you saying you're less cool than Guy Fieri, which, come on, aim a little higher. Are you saying you're less cool than Guy Fieri? Absolutely. Deeply. Do you see flames on my shirt? I will say, I mean, I have, listen, I've taken a Fieri shot in my day. Have we all agreed to call him Fieri?

I know, right? Fieri, he pronounces it Fieri. This is NPR. It's a public radio-themed panel. You have to take a big swing at a last name. It's all Ophelia Quist-Arcton, this thing. If you knew how many times our producer

Jessica Reedy called us back into the studio to say, you mispronounced something, so you retake your whole thing, it's Guy Fieri. We check all our pronouncers. I will say, as someone who's taken a shot or two at the mayor... By the way, I think a Guy Fieri

shot is like Jägermeister and donkey sauce. Right. Little blue cheese chaser. And then you just drop it into a pint glass filled with crushed up Cheetos. See, I'm doing it.

I'm taking a shot here. Steve's like, you're doing it right now. You wouldn't eat that. I went to his restaurant in Vegas partially as a goof, but I still think about those goddamn trash can nachos. And that's what they're called.

I'm not calling them that to be mean. Are they served in a garbage can lid? Yes, they're served in a tiny garbage can. Tiny? And they rule. It's a tiny garbage... They're not giving you a whole trash can full of nachos. That would not be cost-effective.

I retract every positive thing I've ever said about Guy Fieri. I feel like I want to continue to dunk on Guy Fieri. However, I am always worried. Guy who? I am always... Dakar. Senegal. Guy Fieri.

But anytime I do, I'm concerned that he will fade from the culture and I will no longer be able to eat at his burger bar at the Burbank airport. Like, that is very important to me, that burger bar. I ate Wahlburgers today. It's nothing compared, at the Boston airport,

nothing compared to Guy Fieri at the Burbank airport. You are going to get your neck stomped on by a guy in a Celtics jersey. Don't you dare speak ill of Wahlburgers. Okay, so to list the hot takes so far. Glenn, anti-Golden Girls.

Steven, profieri. And so Linda, that just leaves you. What is your hottest take? I'm trying to remember. I mean, sometimes I... No, I can't say that one because that's just going to sound like I'm...

Was it your defense of Jim Belushi? No, that was me. I haven't defended Jim Belushi. Stephen, you have a brain. He decays in interesting ways. Remember? Oh, I did say that. Right there.

Thank you very much. No, it was... But I don't think it was Jim Belushi, was it? Yeah, I was Jim Belushi. Somebody decays in an interesting way is a thing that I once said. And I can't remember. Oh, because he was in

the one with Oscar Isaac. The David Simon thing with Oscar Isaac. Show Me a Hero. Wasn't Belushi in that? Yep. I'm poking Glenn in that one. I couldn't remember Guy Fieri, but I got Show Me a Hero. Show Me a Hero. Wasn't Belushi in that? Yep. I'm poking Glenn in that. I couldn't remember Guy Fieri, but I got Show Me a Hero. Steven, I don't mean to correct you in front of all these people, but it's called K911. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We hope that you are enjoying this show from the Summer Boys of Summer Tour as much as we enjoyed performing it for you. Guess what? Whether you came to one of the Summer Boys of Summer Tours or you didn't, you can get Summer Boys of Summer merchandise at maxfunstore.com. There's also non-Summer Boys of Summer merchandise if you want that, but why would you? Why?

Seems like a mistake. Yeah, get on out there. We got beautiful posters, handsome challenge coins, and beach balls. Yeah. If you're thinking about throwing a ball around, why not throw around a Summer Boys of Summer beach ball? You can get that all at maxfunstore.com.

This summer only. If you think you're going to get this shit in autumn, No. go fuck yourself. Get out of town. God, you're worse than somebody who hasn't eaten

a great tiramisu. A great tiramisu. Beautiful tiramisu. A beautiful tiramisu. Just a dewy, a dewy tiramisu. maxfunstore.com Hey, we mentioned that we have guests Yes

And we weren't lying You know these two as two of Max Fun's favorite podcasters. Together they are the hosts of the wonderful program. That's the title and the nature of the program. Please welcome Rachel and Griffin McElroy. My bride! Well, for the folks at home, Griffin and Rachel are separated by a length of table. Wow, that was a sentence!

They're separated. They're announcing it here tonight. That ellipsis did a lot of work in that sentence. So yeah, if you guys want to just stop down the show in French, we're cool with that. Yeah, we actually,

we're having a lot of fun in Austin. We've been here for five hours, and they've been amazing. Yeah. We had a really great... You guys all know about Austin's famous Holiday Inn Express, right? This place is... Best water pressure in Texas! Oh, boy.

Does Austin... Is there, like, a city that you guys hate that we could do like anti-bits about? Like Dallas? What do you guys not like about Dallas? It sucks? That makes our job easy. Depending on when you move to Austin, the answer is usually Austin. Fuck this place.

All right, well, we're taking down Dallas for the rest of the show. We had a really lovely dinner with you guys. And, Rachel, we both had drinks that I think were very indicative of the Austin food scene. Yep. I had a... Smoked brisket. Yeah. Liquefied smoked brisket liquefied smoked brisket I drank a gun tattoo

and then they asked if I wanted another one and I said oh I'll try an Airstream trailer that's also a business I had a I had a beer that was called Revolver Colon Blood and Honey. Oh, that's a beer from Dallas. Fuck! Run!

Don't hurt me! Cowboys? More like cow-bads? There we go. Astro World? Where's that? Houston? Okay.

Cool. Shit, I guess we don't have anything, huh? But I thought it was... That beer was so interesting because it had like... It was such a... Yeah, fuck you. I'm a beer

and I have the same naming convention as an Avengers movie. Coal and, and sand. We're like, yeah, the same naming conventions as like a pay cable exploitation show. Right, yeah. All of a Bud Light, colon, Age of Ultron. Can I have a beer with more nudity than it needs? Are you going to make me say the name of my drink?

Yeah. Do it. It was literally called Avocado Toast. What was in it? I mean avocado. And croutons. And self-righteousness. Oh, okay.

Yeah. And you had so many of those drinks that you couldn't buy a house? Is that how that went down? And you killed the paper towel industry? You know, things people say about millennials, I think. Yeah, so what is the Austin dining out scene like these days? Is it everything as on brand? You'd have to ask two people

who don't go on dates every four months or so. I assume it's cool. We still like burgers, right, gang? Tacos in the morning, yes? Fantastic. You love those morning tacos. Well, I just had a great idea by the way Morning tacos, it's tacos that you bring to funerals

You lift a black shroud That's how I want to be remembered by the way He would have loved these So if you're not dining out a lot, what's going on around the house with the two-year-old? How are the dinosaur chicken nuggets? Way beyond those. Oh, wow.

Way beyond those. He's into poke now. Whoa. So he's happy every time a frozen yogurt place closes down. Yes. Because he knows what that's going to be. So he's happy every time a frozen yogurt place closes down. Yes. Because he knows what that's going to be. Fisher Price has a baby espresso machine.

Yes. So it's been incredible for us and for him. Yeah. Super dangerous. But he's a peppy little guy then. Yeah. After he's had his espresso. He needs it. He really drags ass for a two-year-old.

I think we're all sick of his fucking loafing. Yeah. And he has it after dinner because that's how the Europeans do it. Right. Your baby studied abroad and he won't shut the fuck up about it. He has dinner at 9 p.m. after we do. He puts us to bed. And he has a mistress because he's not so uptight like we are.

He catches a lift to the discotheque. He wears a vest with no shirt. We've accurately described your baby, haven't we? Yeah, no, that's it. Except now we have to call him Henri. Does your baby live in Ibiza? Only on the weekends. So your baby's flying to Ibiza, huh?

Uh-huh. Let's unpack the logic of this bit further. That'll probably get us somewhere, huh? But yeah, so you guys on your podcast, wonderful. You recommend things. Yes. And you've recommended Austin things. What are the Austin things people should check out if they're in this audience and not from here?

And not from here. Hey, just sort of give me a woo if that describes you. Whoa, really? Where are you from? Jordan! I see, here's the thing. Before the show, Jordan and I had a bet. I bet there would be more than

15 people from... And I win! I think I win! I bet there would be more than 15 people from BOMA! And I win! I think I win! I think everybody's from Dallas. Everyone's from Dallas. Is anyone from Beaumont? I was born there. Anyway.

I have no story about it. This is a good show. Do you think you could yeah do you think you could put in a plaque for him does my aunt still work at that refinery I think she does

so what's the so clearly no one here is from Austin what's the Austin shit I mean like a lot of boutique toy stores. Okay. So like a transformer made of wood? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, you can get that. A lot of dolls with no faces. I was in a toy store in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I was staying at our colleague John Hodgman's house in Brooklyn on the tour. I thought, I've got this two hour window to buy gifts for my kids and if they don't

get gifts when I come home, I will no longer be their dad. I went to a boutique toy store and my two-year-old Gaga had said, I had asked them what they wanted me to look out for on the trip. My daughter Grace said, Amber

with a mosquito in it because she wants to build dinosaurs. But your daughter has only seen the first part of Jurassic Park, right? My son Oscar, the five-year-old, said that he wanted something cozy that he could hug,

which was very cute. With a mosquito trapped inside. Really spoke to the fact that I was about to abandon him. And then I asked my two-year-old, who is not a strong talker yet, and I wasn't even really expecting him to say anything. And he locked eyes with me and he said, T-Wex.

So I was in this store and I said, do you have any Tyrannosaurus Rexes? And they showed me to a plastic Tyrannosaurus Rex that was about six inches tall. Like nicely detailed, like one of these European figurine toys. And I'm like, great. Here's this fucking, I'm going to buy this T-Rex.

It's solved. It's exactly what he asked for. It cost $37. $37. It did not move. It was not articulated. But he's European. It was just in a boutique.

He eats at nine. He has the salad after the entree. Which way to the library? Football? Sorry, I mean soccer. Can we talk about the aquarium? That might be a fun recommendation for our out-of-town friends. Anybody here been to the Austin Aquarium?

Cool, cool, cool. We're going to drag on it for about 30 minutes. Yeah, if you can imagine an aquarium that a week ago was a Ross dress for less. If you can imagine an aquarium that was created

by the creators of the Saw franchise. I only want to talk about it because there was a news article that came out earlier this week. Did anybody see the news article? I hate to lino out on you all up here. But the headline was

Family Sues Austin Aquarium for an unvaccinated lemur bite. Was it a sea lemur? No. So the lemur was just visiting the aquarium? Yes. Wow. No, no, no. It's a, they have their own lemur enclosure. Not a very good one probably we saw it and it's uh the the day like before it opened the one and only time that we crossed the threshold of the aquarium during which trip i believe i saw a big dead turtle uh he was close if not already already there and uh i guess it failed the daughter was bitten and they said, don't worry, the lemur was

vaccinated. And then I guess they found some holes in that story and in good conscience called the family and said it's unvaccinated. So this was Jessica Biel's lemur? Yes. Is she the anti-vaxxer? Did I get that right? Is she? Maybe. Thank you. My pop culture references are not as

strong as they once were. I took a wild swing at that one to modest results. I'm imagining right now a Ross dress for less with nothing on the shelves, just industrial carpeting and bare shelves, a lemur enclosure in the corner, and maybe like an orca hanging from the ceiling with a guy hosing it down with a garden hose. It's just, it's just, oh boy. It's also a little bit like a Margaritaville because there is a wooden statue of a pirate. Oh yeah, holy shit.

When we went to it, there was an Elsa and Anna from Frozen doing face paint. What the fuck, guys? What's your thing? It just seems like they're throwing stuff to the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, fish. And they do tricks. It's, yeah. Wow.

Are there, like, native fish of Central Texas or wherever we are right now? Like, is it just, like, a catfish and a smallmouth bass? Yeah. They take turns eating each other. Yeah, it's a nightmare. You've got to check it out. Yeah. Are the penguins just roaming around the parking lot?

I don't think they could get... It seems to me like they had penguins for such a short amount of time that they just didn't bother telling anybody. You know what? They do have a bird enclosure, though, that you can walk in. That's another not-wet animal.

Their gift shop, though. Out of control. Enormous. Incredible. And you can get chainmail gloves for when you go into the lemur zone. And like Margaritaville, great nachos. Yes. I went to a birthday party in Los Angeles,

and something that is very different from my childhood, I don't know about your childhoods, but birthday parties in Los Angeles that I go to always have some weird entertainment going on, like someone dressed up as Elsa or whatever. And at this one, there was a person who brought out a series of animals that was like so extensive, I started to feel uncomfortable. Like you think they're just going to bring out like a bunny and a guinea pig and maybe a pygmy goat and call it a day. But there was like two different kinds of monkey, like an iguana, like a few kinds of tortoises and

shit. And I was really getting overwhelmed by the whole thing because I was having, you know, class warfare feelings. And I said to the dad of the family that was hosting the thing, I was like, where did they get all these animals? Yeah, there's these people. We went to a birthday party and they brought all these animals. We thought it was pretty cool, so we decided we'd bring them for Elsa's birthday party. And I was like, what did this cost you? And he's like,

60 bucks. I was like, what the fuck? What is this business? Yes. Will the animals do more stuff? That's why, if you tip. What is the upsell here? You want to watch these monkeys fight?

Hey, you kids like Pokemon, right? I feel like maybe it's a protection racket. Like, for 50 bucks we'll bring the animals, and for $200, nothing bad will happen to this nice house we noticed you have. Right. We won't have a Dunstan checks in situation. Sure hate for something to lay a bunch of eggs,

if you know what I mean. I can't help but notice a $200 charge for Dunstan checking out. Yeah, I don't know. I never had any animals at... I never had any animals at birthday parties, but I do remember a birthday party where they had a guy

dressed as Sergeant Slaughter. Fuck yeah! Yeah. And yeah, and I like to think about how impressed I was at the time. And I often wonder,

what was that man's life actually like? It was probably so fucking awesome. Yeah, I mean, like how many people had he really killed? Well, he reached

the rank of sergeant, so. I wonder too if he did other wrestlers, you know? I bet he did. Yeah, he probably did a decent Jake the Snake Roberts. Okay. I don't know enough about wrestling to really keep going on this. Honestly, that was all I had, too.

Honestly, that was all I had, too. There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters on my ship, the SS Biopic. Avast! It's actually pronounced Biopic. No, you dingus! It's Biopic! Who the hell says that? It's Biopic. It's the words for biography and picture. Alright, that is enough. Ahoy, I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the host of the newly rebooted podcast, formerly known as International Waters,

designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this. How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course. Winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this? It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Sydney McElroy. We're both doctors.

Nope, just me. Okay, well, Sydney's a doctor, and I'm a medical enthusiast, and we create Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. enthusiast and we create Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. Every week I dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history. Lately we do a lot of

modern fake medicine because everything's a disaster, but it's slightly less of a disaster every Friday right here on MaximumFun.org as we bring you Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. And remember, don't drill a hole in your head. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you We have a game we would like to play with you guys. And the game, because this is the Summer Boys of Summer Tour, this game is an informative game for the audience

when they're embarking upon their summer adventures yeah if you know you need two things you need if you're going to be a true summer boy and have a summer adventure you could have told me by the way i'm dressed like a real autumn boy over here yeah and rachel is a spring lad uh we it's so you need a couple of things You need a beach read A juicy beach read And you need some tunes

So that's why It's a sweet summer jam to strut your stuff So this is a game we like to call Erotic novel Grindcore song or some shit we made up We will be giving you a list of three things core song or some shit we made up. We will be giving you a list of three things. One of them is an erotic novel, most likely self-published on Amazon.

The title of a grind core song, of course, grind core being an intense form of heavy metal music, and some shit we made up is some shit we made up. Is there a ranking somewhere of the heavy metal levels of difficulty? I feel like there's nine different types.

Yes, there is a ranking, and yes, it does exist in the head of Flophouse host Stuart Welton. Okay. If you are a metal fan in the audience, this game will make you mad. We've learned that through experience. Five guys with giant beards just

preemptively stood up and left. And the baby, weirdly. And the baby, yeah. Baby loves power violence. The baby's a big power violence fan. Someone just did a two big applause for just saying a genre. Thank you, sir.

So yeah, so this is erotic novel, grindcore song, or some shit we made up. We'll give you a list of three things. Each thing is one of those. You'll have to identify them all, and you get one lifeline. You get one poll the audience. So use it wisely.

Rachel, let's start with you. Your first thing. Come for Bigfoot. We know this one, honey. Yeah, let's just do this newlywed game. I'm going to say Grindelwald. Hold on, we're going to give you all three so that you can... Yeah, so you can think about it. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Shredded by Sasquatch. The Yeti's Yoni, an Anthology of Horny Tales. One of these is a neurotic novel. Do you think the writer of whichever one of those is a book dreamed that one day it would be projected on a big stage like this?

And they're here tonight! Ladies and gentlemen, David Mamet! Rachel, you know what a yoni is? It's like a magical pussy energy. Yes. Of course I do. Baby, do you know what that is?

I'm getting a yes from the baby. Talk it out, Rachel. How are you feeling? All right. So I am thinking that Come for Bigfoot is the erotica, and that Shredded by Sasquatch is the grindcore and Yeti's Yoni is made up.

Sure about that? Yes. Three out of three. You are exactly right. Shredded by Sasquatch of course is by the band Phalloplasty. And Come for Bigfoot is by the great Virginia Wade.

Oh, my God. Sorry, I wasn't supposed to say your pen name out loud. I heard from the great Virginia Wood, and I thought for sure you were going to say Ulf. Well, now we know why people are afraid of her. You know, Jordan, Comfort Bigfoot was featured in the October 2012 issue of Penthouse Magazine.

Oh, yeah, this is from the back of the book. On a week-long outing in Mount Hood National Forest, what begins as a flirty, fun-filled trip soon turns into the erotic adventure of a lifetime and an inconceivable love story between a young woman and her horny Sasquatch. I thought for sure that the Bigfoot

was a fertility specialist in this book and just needed a specimen. You've been in there a long time. Is Bigfoot's erotica not sufficient for you to finish the job? Come for Bigfoot You can't afford IVF Should have just adopted

You want some Loch Ness Monster shit? You know, what should have been my clue there Is I don't think fertility doctors say the word come Yeah Oh yeah, get it in my cup what should have been my clue there is I don't think fertility doctors say the word cum. Yeah. Oh yeah, get it in my cup. Yeah, they're classier than that. They're like, I understand the emotional journey that you must have been

through trying to conceive. I can tell that you love each other very much. Jizz on my hand. And we can just go ahead and start the process as soon as you blast. Griffin, this one's for you. You're down three to nothing. Yeah, it'll stay that way. Your choices are Violated by Monsters, The Sharkman Tank.

Hold on, a guy is here with Whataburger. Please don't murder us. Please don't murder us. Please don't murder us. Please don't murder us. Yes. Thank you very much, sir. Who's submissive are you?

Mine now, motherfucker! Wow! These are giant shakes! And the guy in the front is making the see-I-told-you face. I believe you. Oh, they're only 36

ounces. Well, fuck this that's only yeah i really i really get off on the third pound of milkshake so you know if we had some of that bigfoot cum we could get up to 42 that's right so it's the whataburger secret ingredient so guy who brought these, get back out there and jack off a Bigfoot. You might want to start in the Pacific Northwest. So, Griffin, getting back to the serious stuff. Yeah.

Violated by monsters, colon the Sharkman tank. Goat blood panspermia. And president sex king. Goat Blood Panspermia and President Sex King. One of these is a self-published erotic novel. One of these is a grindcore song. One is some shit we made up. Talk it through for us, Griffin. Oh, man.

I mean, it's all guesses, friends, because I don't know any of them. And y'all are good at making up horny jokes with your filthy minds and your South Park humor. I'm going to say number one has to be in a series of books like Animorphs. Honestly, your logic is not bad here. The name of the series is Violated by Monsters, and then after the postscript there is the location where the act took place.

Oh, this is actually an Austin-based craft beer. Hoppy. It's very hoppy. Goat's Blood Panspermia is two on the nose even for metal, so I'm going to say you made that one up, and President's Ex-King is a metal song. One out of three. One out of three for Griffin. The real song is Goat Blood Panspermia.

Fuck off! And of course, you guys can all say it with me. It's by... Sado-Mator! This milkshake is good as fuck, by the way. Yeah, this is really intense. It made my eyes cross with tastiness. And of course, the real book is

Violated by Monsters, colon, The Sharkman Tank. Are there more violated by monsters books in the quiz or can I go ahead and google that entire franchise? Is she holding pearls or a phone cord? I think

the thing that the folks at home are not getting that the people here are is that there are a lot of unfortunate stock photo models out there who have been placed upon the covers of these books. Oh my God, there's so many Violated by Monsters books. What are some other titles?

Well, there's Violated by Monsters, The Creature Club. Violated by Monsters, The Raptor River. That's a weird place for raptors to do that. Violated by Monsters, the Raptor River. That's a weird place for raptors to do that. Violated by Monsters... You know, that's actually an exhibit at the Austin Aquarium. Violated by Monsters, the Bigfoot Clan. Yikes, that's a rough night. Violated by Monsters, the Banshee Band.

Hey! Someone clearly got this picture by going on to freestockphotos.com and googling clutching her pearls Here's a description from the back of the book After falling into an aquarium Lindy finds a very

different kind of pearl necklace and the only way out is through a thrilling shark man gang bang As opposed to you know, your run of the mill shark man The only way out is through a thrilling Sharkman Gangbang. As opposed to, you know, your run-of-the-mill Sharkman Gangbang. Just a boring Tuesday night Sharkman Gangbang. How long are these books? Because is part of the beginning just them in the car on the way to the aquarium?

And then it's paying for entry into the aquarium. And then it's falling into the tank and getting ravaged. Do you mind if I change the radio station, she said to her Lyft driver? By the way, I hope I don't get involved in a Sharkman

gangbang. It's foreshadowing. It's good writing. Rachel, this one's for you.owing. It's just good writing. Rachel, this one's for you. Okay. The horny werewolf. Masochistic monster mama.

Don't neglect Dracula's balls. You have your lifeline? Yes, I like it when you do that. My darling, stimulate my prostate. That's a book written by Dracula. Under the pen name David Mammoth, yes. I'm going to say that Masochistic Monster Mama is the erotica.

And the Horny Werewolf is the grancore. And then Dracula's Balls is what you made up. Sure about that? Yes. Zero out of three. No, we made up Dracula's Balls. One out of three. Oh, one out of three.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. By the way, this is Dracula, the pen name for David Mamet. Yeah. It goes like this. Coffee is for closers. it goes like this coffee is for closers coffee is for those who don't neglect my balls

is it fake if I wrote it in the hotel room on the way over I'm going to cast William H. Macy and my wife Rebecca Pigeon who's not in anything else some deep David Van Dyke get him wife, Rebecca Pigeon, who's not in anything else. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Some deep David Mamet talks over here. Get him. I'm disappointed by the critical reception

of my new play on Broadway. Let's not keep doing this. No, I think this is our new breakout character, Dracula Mamet. Oh, I meant the show. I meant the whole show. I'm best friends

with comedian Jonathan Katz. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Of course, Masochistic Monster Mama is by Malignant Germ Infestation. Not that we had to tell you that. The Horny Werewolf is by Nikita King.

See, I thought that was too on the nose. Yeah, she ran out of other horny monster book ideas. Well, I mean, this is... You mentioned series, and this is actually from the back of the book, we do know that this is a prequel, because... To the coming werewolf.

Yeah, right. He's horny in one book, and then the other book is just 500 pages of jizzing. From the back of the book, fans of the horny minotaur will get a glimpse... will get a glimpse of Warwick before he meets his beloved Sarah and succumbs to her. So if people were wondering what Warwick was like before he met Sarah,

this is the book for you. Can we address the horny werewolf themselves? Yeah, I think we should describe the book cover to the people who are listening at home. Holy shit. Yeah, the horny werewolf, it looks like something out of the 3.5 Monster Manual or something. He looks like

he was pulled from the cutscene of a PlayStation 1 game. Can I say something? You may. I thought it'd be bigger. Horny werewolf does not appear to have any genitalia, although, you know, who knows?

Yeah. Werewolves might keep it somewhere different. Yeah. Good point. Jesse, what's the score so far? I don't know. How many points was that one? One.

I got one. Okay. So Rachel, you have four. Griffin, you have one. Griffin, this next one's for you. Jesse, you want to read those? Yes, I do. Here are your choices.

Pixies tore me a new one. Underwater bimbos from outer space. And, oh, this is fun. Gagging on the Griffin. Probably at Schlong. Not for sure, but probably. Damn. Talk it out.

I mean, the first one could also be referring to another rock band, which would be a weird autobiography, right? They were really slow at it at first, and then they went really fast, and then they slowed down. This is an article we read on spin.com. It's the sequel to Fucked by Dinosaur Jr. Oh, Jesus. This is the most stressed out I've ever been on a live show.

You have your lifeline. Yeah, I'll use my lifeline. Do I just ask the answer to all three from the audience? Why don't you throw something out there that is a conjecture and see whether the audience agrees or disagrees? I think that

gagging on the griffin is the book. No. No. Okay. That was useless. It was like asking people where they're from. Yeah, you guys just yelled out where you came here from. Yeah. I'm going to say

I heard one person very enthusiastically yell no which makes me think they're in the band that wrote the song gagging and so it is for that one gut feeling alone that i'm going to say gagging on the griffin is the name of a metal song and that oh shit i think underwater bimbos from Outer Space is the book because I don't think that's a joke that the two of you would write and deliver on a stage in front of people. Although I'm waiting to be proven wrong.

So you're saying that Pixies Tore Me a New One is... Made Up by You. Okay, and Underwater Bimbos is... A book. And Gagging on the Griffin is... A metal song. Zero out of three. Fuck! Underwater Bimbos from Outer Space is by Every Time I Die, and Pixies

Tore Me a New One is by J.K. Davis. A little excerpt from the back of the book here. Can I describe the picture? The picture is what you get when you go to freestockphotos.com and enter the search phrase, Ooh, Pixies tore me a new one. From the back of the book.

Will Katie take her powers too far? Will her body be able to withstand the addiction? What happens when she learns how to conjure pixies with endless stamina, hard members that never go down, and an imagination of the weirdest, cutest creatures she can think of? Oh, they're the weirdest, cutest creatures I can think of. With hard members that never go down. Super Chunk, what are you doing here?

That's a big swing on that one. I think it paid off. Okay, that's zero points for Griffin. It's back to you, Rachel. Are you ready? Yes. Your choices are Ravished by the Triceratops,

Mammoth on Sloth, Ice Age 69. Do these have to be published books if they're books? These are all on Amazon. Ah, fuck it. That answers that. Like Kindle only. These are all available for purchase by

Mad Men. Mammoth on Sloth, Ice Age 69, and shh, if you're quiet, I'll show you a dinosaur. Is that what the person at the toy store said? Their voice was more like Shh, if you're quiet

I'll show you a dinosaur At first I thought you said mammoth on sloth And I thought Here we go again A lot of fun connections tonight You guys still have your lifeline? Not that it helped Griffin at all on sloth and I thought here we go again. A lot of fun connections tonight. Do you still have your lifeline? Not that it helped Griffin at all.

Okay, I'll use it. I'm trying to decide is mammoth on sloth is that, okay clap if you think it's the book. Alright, now clap if you think it's the song. And clap if you hate fucking Houston. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to say Ravished by Triceratops is the erotica. Mammoth on Sloth is the song.

And If You're Quiet, I'll Show You a Dinosaur is what you made up. One out of three. One out of three for Rachel. The song is If You're Quiet, I'll Show You a Dinosaur by the fall of Troy. By Billy Joel? Holy shit! It's one of his story songs. Yeah, he's in character for it. And

the book is Ravished by the Triceratops by Christy Sims. And this is saying something for this game. Perhaps the worst Photoshop job we've seen tonight. It's as though the Photoshop artist said, I don't think this subject matter is fucked up enough.

What if it appeared to be a juvenile Triceratops? Very small. Jordan, do you want to read a little selection from this? Yes, from the back of the book. Balearia chooses to hunt the most dangerous herbivore of the plains, the trihorn. Which, I don't mean to interrupt here, Jordan, but you can tell that they did their research

because the people who lived at the time of the dinosaurs called the Triceratops tri-horn. Triceratops is a modern coinage. And also, also, they fucked them. But only the little ones. Yes. Catalins! Yes. Naked with no food, water, or provisions beyond her weapons,

Valyria sets out, tracking the trihorns. She lays a cunning ambush, but it isn't cunning enough. To avoid apparently being gently nibbled by it? All right, Griffin, you can come back here. You can come back here. You need a big round, but I think you got it in you. Here are your three choices. First one is creamed in the

butt by my handsome living corn. Do you need me to repeat that? Actually, I don't. Is that burned on your memory forever? What makes corn handsome? Is it the quality of the silk? Don't try and get hints.

Your second choice. Sure, I'd fuck a meatloaf. And finally... It's another Billy Joel track, if I'm not... And that one is actually autobiographical. Right, right. Gluing carpet to your genitals does not make you a cantaloupe. We can take that one out if it's too easy. I'm just going to shoot from the hip.

Do it. I think you made up, sure, I'd fuck a meatloaf. I think the cantaloupe carpet one is a metal song. And A sounds so much like a fucking Chuck Tingle novel that it has to be an erotic novel are you sure about that? yes

three out of three gluing carpet to your genitals does not make you a cantaloupe it's by the locust creamed in the butt by my handsome living corn bonus points for naming the author Chuck Tingle. Jordan, that means it's all tied up.

And I just want to, again, I want to read a little from the back of the book and just to talk a little bit about the image. Yeah, this is a nice, like a nice opportunity to share literature with America. My wife also just looked at me with a face I've never quite seen her cast upon me. And I know you guys are all married people up here, just from a single person's perspective, it's just like, it's just always a little hard to see happy couples.

I'm like, oh, why can't I have that? Anyway. From the back of the book, when Matthew Mikanime sets off on his yearly trip to the California Farming Convention, he expects to have a

typical weekend of wining and dining with an assortment of living crops. Pause! A typical weekend of wining and dining, so far so good with an assortment of living crops.

What are you guys doing this weekend? Oh, just, you know, the usual wining and dining with an assortment of living crops. It sounds like a horny VeggieTales a little bit. You mean VeggieTales? Oh yeah, VeggieTales is horny. What he doesn't expect is that one of these handsome agricultural staples would capture his heart.

Enter Lip-Lon, the handsome living corn who sweeps Matthew off his feet in a night of hardcore anal plowing he will never forget. There's a bonus question. You guys are tied up. I'm going to let you guys both take a guess at this, and we'll see who comes out on top. This is for all the marbles, and this is a real and important game. Your choices are

the incorporal becomes corporal through the suffering of the innocent. The planet that once used to absorb flesh in order to achieve divinity and immortality, open parentheses, suffocated to the flesh that it desired, ellipses, close parentheses. And does God ever speak through cats? Three choices. Talk it out. This is for your marriage, folks.

We will be stealing your child later if you don't get this right. How should we go about this? Because I for sure know all three. Oh, okay. How should we go about this? Because I for sure know all three. Oh, okay. Gosh, my instinct is to collaborate with you, isn't it? I know.

I wish they would let us play together. You know what? You guys can play together on this one. Play together. Talk it through. You guys are like a real life version of that buff stock photo model and that fuckable corn. Which one of us is the corn? You'll have to guess.

Extra bonus point, if you can guess who I think is corn. I think that B is the most pretentious metal song name I've ever... It's like if Sufjan Stevens wrote metal music. He would name a song. Right, yeah. All of those metal songs are about the state of Maine for some reason.

I also think the statistical possibility of somebody having not written a book called Does God Speak Through Cats is near zero. You're just playing the numbers on this one. What do you think, Rachel? Does that sound right to you? Well, I always have difficulty with the song versus the book. It's amazing how similar they are. Yeah. I think to differentiate myself from Griffin,

I will say that the planet that once used to absorb flesh is the name of the book. Probably you're going to go with Griffin's answer, right? I mean, he is talented, and he did just get three out of three, so he's kind of on a hot streak. Well, that's just because I knew who Chuck

Tinkle was. So that's kind of a cold streak by other definitions. Okay, okay. I'll say Does God Ever Speak Through Cats is the book. And then yeah, and I'll agree with Griffin on this song. Three out of three for both of you!

Love is preserved! The real song is the planet that once used to absorb flesh in order to achieve divinity and immortality suffocated to the flesh that it desired, which is by Demolich. We played this game with Stuart Wellington from The Flophouse, and he's like, yeah, I've seen them twice. I think it was a night. I think he went to an early

show and a late show. I like that these guys have an early show. That's kind of funny. For parents who want to see that. And the real book is Does God Ever Speak Through Cats by David Evans. That got a louder groan than the porn.

We should explain here that when we say this is an erotic novel, it is a nonfiction book, and it's what we find erotic. So we're being very vulnerable up here tonight. And therefore very brave. Yeah, we're also super horned up. And therefore very brave. Been on we're also super horned up and therefore very brave. Been on the road a long time. Five days on the road

is long enough to make your mind start wanting. We got nothing but our cats and the big man upstairs, JC. I've been on the line, I've been on the road a long time, baby. You got any feline profits for me?

Hey, how about a hand for Griffin and Rachel Who did a great job with that bad game Jordan, we have a listener A couple things to address We have a listener who's visiting all the way from Japan To come to this show Was it worth it? who's visiting all the way from Japan to come to this show. Was it worth it?

Oh, okay. Sweet. Low expectations. And that listener was kind enough to bring, well, for one thing, they brought us these Apple Kit Kat bars, which I think I'm pretty excited about. You can have one of these while supplies last out at the merch table after the show

They also brought us These two face masks These are the kind that you use To purify your face Like a cleaning face mask One is Pokemon That's Pikachu Pikachu

Spot on That checks out And this one is a duck who lives on the moon. And wears a Santa hat. Jordan, we're going to do momentous occasions in just a minute, but which one of these would you like to put on your face? Boy, gimme Santa duck. Okay, I'm going to do peek-a-peek-a.

You guys fill while we do this. Oh, yeah. So there's a couple things before we get to Momentous Occasions, which will be provided by you, the audience. It's so wet. Yeah. What a wet package. We have some stuff for sale at the merch table.

We will be... Oh, this is going to be so choice. Oh. This is, like, nasty. Oh, dude, when that gets on your big old beard, that's going to be so tight. Oh, man.

I didn't know we were going to get Griffin totally horned up. Oh, God. That went through the mask. That's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. So, some people just rushed out to write an Amazon self-published novel. Oh, this is weird. This is somebody's very specific fetish.

Pika, pika. I'm Penguin Santa? I don't know what he says. What do I do with my hands now? Will someone chop them off for me? God, this sucks. It's not bringing out the beauty in your skin?

No! Wash it off with water! Wax it off. Wax it off. Wax it off with water! Someone just yelled, wash it off with water. Yes, thank you.

I will. I mean, I have 80 ounces of milkshake here. I could dump some of that on my face. But now we want to do momentous occasions. And as an added bit of fun, we will be deciding who tonight's top momentous occasion is. That person will receive perhaps the greatest Jordan Jesse Goh honor there is. That's right. Because I don't want to take it home.

They will get to keep the drug rug. Yeah. That's got eight cities worth of stank on it. And you can take it home if you really sell your momentous occasion. That's certified game used, folks. Sure. Is Jeffrey here? And then Mort.

Jeffrey, you're first. Come up to the microphone. Jeffrey with a J. J. Jeffrey, come on down. Here comes Jeffrey. Jeffrey, what's your momentous occasion? Yeah, so my momentous occasion is as soon as I heard about this tour a couple of months ago, I bought tickets online, and I thought it would be a great idea to get physical tickets

because, you know, you can remember it better. And then I put them somewhere really important, and I couldn't find them like a week later. them someone really important and I couldn't find them like a week later so I decided to come again anyway buy more tickets today at the box office just because I like you guys so extra tickets and um oh yeah and then our Airbnb flooded and we're coming from Houston so we're just driving back tonight anyway so wow holy shit. I think Jeffrey just earned himself a palm tree. Brian, give Jeffrey a palm tree.

Give Jeffrey a palm tree. You can... Jeffrey! Mort. Mort, are you here? And then Allison, I believe. Allison W.

after that. Where's Mort at? Also, Jeffrey, technically... Probably hanging out with Bazooka Joe. Jeffrey, you denied two people all the great stuff we've done up here today with your

double ticket buying. Shame on you! Yeah, because this theater is totally full. Packed to the rafters, just like all our shows. Mort and then Allison. Mort, are you here? Go up to the rafters, just like all our shows. Mort and then Allison. Mort, are you here?

Yeah, go up to the microphone there. Mort, what's your momentous occasion? I recently landed my dream job at an oddity shop, and I got to hold a human skull while we were dating it. It was very fun. Wait, you're dating a human skull? He's a very generous lover. Wow, yeah.

So it's been your dream to work in an oddity shop? Yeah, I worked at a really shitty import shop for a while that liked to say it was an oddity shop, and then I quit that and found a better oddity shop. Was the first one Pier 1?

No. But that is the shittiest import shop. Actually, the second one one Pier 1? No. But that is the shittiest important. That's right. Actually, the second one is Pier 1. They have human skulls there now. Human skulls and really big spoons at Pier 1. What a wicker. What are the top oddities that they sell at the oddity shop?

You know what? Go ahead and buzzmark at the oddity shop if you like it so much. What oddity shop do you work at, Mort? It's in Houston, so if you like it so much. What oddity shop do you work at, Mort? It's in Houston, so fuck you for saying Houston sucks. No, not fuck me. Fuck them. It's called the Wild Collection. It's in the Heights, if anyone lives in Houston.

It's really expensive to live there. But I think some of the coolest oddities we have, we have an elephant skull. Oh, wow. We've got two full human skeletons, one's for sale, one's for not. One's for not used for. One's not for sale. Everybody has a price.

My daddy says everything's negotiable. We have a lot of taxidermy We've got like three lions We've got two tigers We've got Oh my Yeah We do have one bear

That I didn't notice Until I was like three weeks Into working there And I just looked up one day I'm like oh there's a whole ass bear That's cool Mort everybody Go to him for all your oddities needs

If you're in the market for oddities So Allison Mort Mort your oddities needs. If you're in the market for oddities. So Allison. Mort. Take their garbage. Throw that away for us. Come on up, Allison. Allison, then Ronnie.

Hello. Hi. You can talk right into this thing. Get close to the microphone. Hello. Hi. You can talk right into it in this thing. Get close to the microphone. You're good. Okay. Sorry. Now get far away.

Now jumping jacks. Hi, Allison. Are you also from Houston? I lived there for a year, but I moved back to Dallas because Houston sucks. There you go. Maybe we can start a riot to close this show So my momentous occasion is that I've known

some people over a Hunger Games writing site for at least nine years and I finally got to meet them face to face Now what happens on a Hunger Games writing site? Well I'm glad you asked. Thank you. Writing?

Yeah, it seems... Hey, about what? Oh, the Hunger Games, Griffin. So do you write alternate Hunger Games stories? Yes, it's in an alternate universe where the main character doesn't exist. So we just have games over and over again, and we're in one right now. I'm in one right now.

It's a weird thing to say in front of people when it's one of your secrets you've had for a very long time. Actually, I will say that I would guess half the audience is probably in a Quidditch match as we speak. Do you ever write a version where the douchey jocks actually win? Well, we have a dice system, so you don't know who's going to win. Oh, okay.

It's a little bit D&D-ish. Because when I saw the movie and the douchey jocks lost, I was like, if they can't win this, what are they even doing? Fucking rigged. Do you think I'm supposed to wash this stuff off my face? Use water to wash the face.

Use the water to wash the face. Use the water to wash the face. So you guys, so you met for the first time. Hold on a second, Jordan. You've been Hunger Games-ing. Jordan, can you hold on for a second? Just a Steel Town girl on a Saturday night. For the folks at home, Jesse used water to wash his face.

He used water to wash his face. And so you met IRL. Yeah. And do you think you'll be friends for life? Totally. Absolutely. That didn't sound good. What's the nastiest shit

that's ever gone down in the alternate hunger games? Someone ate their own hand. Oh, fuck! Allison, everybody! I think that's worth a palm tree. Go take a palm tree. We're going to do Ronnie

and then we're going to end in with Richard. So Richard, Ronnie, get up here and then Richard, you'll be our final momentous occasion of the tour. Jordan, that's Ronnie DeVries. He's been on Jordan Jesse Go before. Wow. Are you Chris Fairbanks?

He's one Chris Fairbanks? He's one Chris Fairbanks standing on the shoulders of another Chris Fairbanks. Ronnie, tell us about your momentous occasion. So I just got a sink for my van. What are you going to wash in that sink there, buddy? You just got a sink from a van? No, for my van. Oh, for your van. For my conversion.

Blatant pandering, Jesse. This is blatant pandering. Fuck! Do you guys know what I do for fun? I press one mile into the radius on Craigslist and then look at all the automotive listings and basically jack off to vans with sinks in them. You guys want to know what I do for

fun? I read. I vote. Thank you. Slay, yes. You've been given a phone. Oh shit, check out fucking Ronnie's dope ass van. Damn! It's really cool. You guys will have

to take our word for it. It's a pretty dope van. So what do you plan on washing in this van sink? So I'm making it a camper van. By the way, this says, speaking of vans, our new road trip RV made the 1,000 mile trip just fine after being totaled

by Hurricane Harvey. This dude is like, yeah, whatever the fuck, you hurricane. Like, I know a little something about, yeah, gee whiz. Can I have it? The van? If you come to Houston

you can borrow it or something. Where do you put the sink? I've heard that Houston sucks. Sorry, Rachel, I'm sorry. I want to know where the sink goes. So I have a cabinet that goes in. It's like removable so I can use it for work or put the cabinet where the sink goes. So I have a cabinet that goes in. It's, like, removable, so I can use it for work or put the cabinet and the sink all in when I'm traveling. And how does plumbing work?

It just has a pressure tank. Like, you push it, and the sink goes through, and it just drains right out. It's just gray water, so you would wash your hands. Sounds like a super soaker then. How about a hand for Ronnie, everybody? Ronnie! Ronnie, please come take one of these fanciful floral necklaces.

And Richard, get up here. Richard, final momentous occasion of the night, and then I will be awarding the drug rug. Hi, Richard. How are you? You're from Dallas, Houston, Austin, or a fourth entry into our Battle Royale! I'm actually from here. Well, from Dallas originally, but live here.

Awesome. What's better? What's better here or Dallas? Ask me ten years ago here, and now I'm a little on the... See? What'd I fucking tell you? What's better, Whataburger or Sonic? Whataburger.

Everyone looked at me like, no duh, you fucking idiot. They'll give you 32 ounces of frozen Hershey's syrup. What's your momentous occasion? I had two. Is it the shirt one? Yes, this starts with,

in Vancouver, My Wife. That's both of them. And please, please, please do the voice. You know what we want to hear. We're talking about Dracula David Manning. Right, yes. That famous character.

No. So my wife and I were traveling in Vancouver recently. My wife. There you go. It's too late. We were at a restaurant and a table across from us. His wife Rebecca Pigeon and he were. So at a table near us

was somebody wearing a shirt like jersey style that said ass eating season. But it was like A-S-S E-A-T-N S-E-N. All abbreviated. And then giant number season. But it was like A-S-S-E-A-T-N-S-E-N, all abbreviated. And then giant number 69. So when was this? Like a week ago.

So we're currently in ass-eating season. Yeah, I hope you guys are prepped. Can I ask you guys a question? Because you live in Texas, we don't. Do we need to go to the Department of Fish and Game and get a license, or can we just go to town? And is it like Labor Day? When do I stop wearing white?

Within ass-eating season. Is that what they call summer? Because I think summer is arguably the worst season to eat ass. Maybe in Vancouver it's a little more conducive. I don't know. That's why people move to Vancouver, right? Yeah. Just 365 days a year of ass eating.

A flood of millennials into Vancouver for avocado toast and analingus. Is that what eating ass is? Yeah. What did you think it was? Never mind. Don't worry about it. Okay, folks. That's our show

you know what you get the drug rug ass eating season that's it thank you very much Richard McElroy Richard McElroy Griffin McElroy

this is my friend Jordan Morris the funniest guy in the world I'm Jesse Thorne Brian Sonny D. Fernandez thanks to you guys for coming out

thank you thanks to everybody in Austin we love you so much. I'm going to wash my face. I'm going to use the merch booth. I guess that's why they call it where I stay. Clean up the streets on my daughter.