Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 597: Silent Muncher with Brea Grant

Episode Date: August 13, 2019

Brea Grant (Reading Glasses podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Brea's recent work stint in Bulgaria, Jordan's firm stance on not eating flowers, and the surprisingly romantic story of Brea's friend who got pink eye from munching ass. Plus, we'd like to wish a very happy Anal August to everyone out there! Go to MaxFunStore.com to get your Summer Boys of Summer merch!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, did you see this new short plate? I have not seen the new short plate. Yeah, Brian emailed us the short plate. Somebody in the great state of... Now the short plate.

Do I get two sides with that? Do I get to pick two sides? Yeah, it's a lot like... Okay, I'm gonna, I'll take the short plate and I'll do the rice pilaf. And the green salad. You know what? Fries. Give me the fries. I've been good this week. Okay, so

Dave of Tucson, Arizona took a photograph. And some years ago on Jordan, Jesse Go, we had our guest Steve Agee on the program, a friend of the program. Right. And the subject of inscrutable, un-understandable nonsense phrases on license plates came up. Right. My friend Jordan Morris, who you know quite well. That's me.

Sure. He said, well, it wasn't, at least it didn't say something like, I don't know, full short. Sure, yeah. At which point, Steve Agee and I laughed literally until we were physically ill. Sure, yeah. Well, we needed to fill time. We didn't have that much content on the show. So like, well.

Not like most weeks when we've got a long list of content to get through. We've got to cut guests. We've got to get the, first of all, we've got to get in the news. Right. Second of all, of course,

weather and sports. Weather and sports. Third of all. Local interests. Local interests. Fourth, we've got that, what do you call it, rhythmic gymnastics portion.

Got that segment coming up. It's a packed show usually, but yeah. Did I ever tell you about the girl from my high school who used to do rhythmic gymnastics at lunchtime, but she didn't know how to do rhythmic gymnastics? I think that's inspiring.

Her vision of what rhythmic gymnastics Your tone has a little bit of mockery in it, but I think that's great. I say, hey, if you're out there, kids, if you're out there, don't listen to Jessie. Do rhythmic gymnastics whether you know how to or not. She also did a monologue from Double Dragon, the movie. God bless her.

And she wrote an erotic poem about Elvis the Pelvis Stoico. Wow. So you went to high school with Elizabeth Warren? Yeah. The Elizabeth Warren? Yeah. So anyway. Yes.

So we have had, so we know there's at least one full short license plate. And better than that, it's on a Porsche. Is it? Yeah. So how do we know that? Because I've seen it in real life. Really? Where?

I came to MaxFunCon one time here in California. How do they spell it? F-U-L-C-H-R-T I think. Okay. Yeah. And it's because of the show. And it's because of Jordan Disico. Wow. I had no idea. But this is years ago. He has probably gotten a more dignified license plate

in the years since. Sure. I can't promise you that he's continued to maintain the... Whatever the seven letterification of Eaton Ain't Cheatin' is. ETN. Hey, I don't know how you can do it. Anyway, hey, hit us up on Twitter if you know how to put Eaton Ain't Cheatin' onto a license plate. I mean, my first reaction to that is, my first thought, decal.

Oh, sure, yeah. Calvin peeing on it for some reason. Yeah. Calvin thinks eating is cheating. Dave from Tucson, Arizona. Of course, you know Dave. Yeah. Yeah.

Dave. Wow, that dude feels about eating. Dave from Tucson, Arizona was in Flagstaff, Arizona, which is entirely, he was out of his comfort zone. Yeah, Dave, man. To be honest. You're Tucson Dave. What are you doing in Flagstaff, motherfucker? Get the fuck out of there.

What colors was he flying? That's what I want to know. Yeah, a run shave. Shit could go down. Watch out for the Flagstaff Crips. So anyway. Yes. Crips. So anyway, he was in Flagstaff, Arizona, and he happened to see, and I'm not here to buzz market motor vehicles.

It's not my job. No, sure. We're not getting paid for this, but look, my wife owns one, a Honda Odyssey. There, I said it. A white Honda Odyssey, California plates. Okay. In fact, I'm looking at the license plate frame right now from right here in Southern California, Simi Valley. Oh, my gosh.

Special shout out to First Honda in Simi Valley, California. Oh, that's a beautiful Honda dealership. That's a beautiful Honda dealership. I did get paid for that. Oh, okay. But not me? They gave me- Just you?

No, I got two free sides. Oh, okay. What did you pick? I went with the green salad because I've been a little naughty this week. And then I had hash browns. Well, I don't think that- Okay, whatever. You do you, man.

Whatever side you fucking want to, I don't care. Anyway, as we mentioned, there's already someone with the license plate full short. Yeah. This license plate is just short. Just short, huh? Just short. Just short. So we don't know what-

It's possible, Jordan. Yeah. It's conceivable. Could be partial short. Well, I mean- But there is short present. Sure, I mean. But there is Chort present. Sure, there's some Chort. Yeah.

What could Chort mean other than it being a nonsense phrase that we say on the show? Is it like a. Is it like a cross between a shirt and a chicken? A chicken shirt? No, it couldn't. A port. Yeah. It could be a cross between a port and a chicken.

It would be a shirt. Like a dessert wine. Right. Made partly from chicken. Okay. It's a little savory. Chicken broth. It's a little savory.

Chicken broth and sweet wine could be a chort. Well, if you're out there in Simi Valley and you got the plate because you're a fan of the show, drive that Haunted Odyssey on down here. Yeah. Let's take a look at it. Yeah. How far is LA from Simi Valley? It's like two hours, right? Haunted Odyssey on down here. Yeah. Let's take a look at it. Yeah. How far is LA from Simi Valley? That's like two hours, right?

Honestly, couldn't tell you. Yeah. San Dimas High School football rules. I know that. That's sure. We all know that. That's all I got. Yeah.

We were all at that history presentation. We know that. Joan of Arc showed up. God, that's a great presentation. Yeah. One of the best presentations I've ever seen. I mean, when that girl from my high school did rhythmic gymnastics with the ribbon on the stick, that was pretty good. But, yeah.

I mean, hard to beat that one year at San Dimas High. Yeah. And I would say I would have picked the Elvis, the Belvis Stoico erotic poem. It was more current events. Sure. Right. Because the Olympics were going on at that point? Yeah. Yeah. He was in the news. Sure. Him and his famous erotic poem. It was more current events. Sure. Right. Because that was, the Olympics were going on at that point. Yeah.

He was, he was in the news. Sure. And his, him and his famous erotic pelvis. Right. He didn't call him that for nothing. Or did they?

I don't know. I don't remember the man. The bad, the bad boy of figure skating. Gotcha. Yeah. I was never a big figure skating guy. I was more into a pommel horse.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Well, that, that'll really help you out in the village of the crazies. Sure, yeah. You happen to be in the film Gymkata.

Yeah, which I'm not. I'm still looking for a use for the Pommel Horse interest. Not useful. They're not skills. They're just an interest. Should we introduce our guest on the program? Yes, it's time. Yes.

You know her as the co-host of Maximum Fun's own book podcast, Reading Glasses. You know her as an actor. You know her as a Bulgarian television director. Please welcome Bria Grant. What if it's a chicken court? Oh. A court for chickens. Sort of like how they have like –

And thank you for waiting, by the way. You know, I was being very patient over here. I had a lot of questions and a lot of answers. But chicken court. Wait, can I suggest Judge Bach-Bachner? Judge what? Bach-Bachner. Oh, that's good.

That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Good seems strong. Well. You know, it was quick. It was fair to me. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sure. Like, who ate my seed? That's a good one. That's a good. That's a case. Who took my eggs?

All of America. Did you? Oh, wow. Who let that fox in our house that killed everyone? Past Jordan Jesse Go guest Susan Orlean, bestselling author and past Jordan Jesse Go guest Susan Orlean told bestselling author and past Jordan Jesse Go guest, Susan Orlean, told me about chickens. She has chickens in her home in New York State.

And apparently, chickens will brutally murder each other when you have multiple chickens. Like the pecking order, you know the expression pecking order, comes from chickens and it comes from them brutally pecking each other to death. Well, that's why they got to have a chort. Yeah. Solve all those murders. It works on a restorative justice model, which is nice. Oh, Bria, what sides do you want?

Sorry. You get two sides with this. Well, I think the key with sides is you always got to go with the soup because it's like getting another main. Right. That's clever. That's an interesting point. It's like you're kind it's like getting another main. Right. That's clever. It's an interesting point. It's like you're kind of tricking the side system. Right.

Especially if it's a lentil soup. You always get a lentil. It's a little heartier. Yeah. Can I interject something though? Go on. It's very wet for a main. Do you not like a wet main?

I know. Goulashes. Enchiladas. Things along these lines. These are all wet mains. Wet mains. Yeah. That's a Wet mains. Yeah. That's a good point.

I like enchiladas and goulashes. So. All right. So you like a wet mains. I guess I like a nice. And you know what they say. Remember the wet main. That's what you.

Right. That's what you live by. Yeah. That's right. That's my truth. That's where you have those ready. That's my truth. Yeah.

Yeah. Boom. Boom. Boom. Okay. So you'll take the soup. We don't have lentil. We have a tomato bisque and a gumbo.

Yeah, then let's do the gumbo. We'll do the gumbo. And also, I do love a sliced tomato side. I know it's the cheap side, but I do like a fresh sliced tomato. They often offer it at a breakfast. Interesting. You can usually sub that out for fruit or something if you want to. You can.

I like tomatoes. Probably my favorite. Also a fruit, tomatoes. Sure. That's something. You can. I like tomatoes. Paul and my friend, also a fruit, tomatoes. Sure. That's true. And I think my favorite fruit. Can I tell you something that you might not know? No. It's not just any gumbo.

We've got celebrity chef Paul Prude home here. Wow. Wow. He made it? We dipped his hand into it. Okay. He just came just to make gumbo? We dipped his hand into it. Okay. He just came just to make gumbo? We dipped his hand into it.

Okay. There's not that much of his hand left. He died about 15 years ago. Oh, got it. I'll still take it. I mean, one of the greatest Cajun chefs of all time. There's a little okra in there, too. You know it's authentic.

Yeah, yeah. Jesse was not fucking around. You actually, you are like back from Bulgaria. You've been back in the States, the United States. Yes., you are like back from Bulgaria. You've been back in the States, the United States. Yes. For like a day and a half. A good 36 hours.

Speaking of goulash, that's goulash country. You know, I thought the same thing. But then I got there. No. No goulash? Do you know where Bulgaria is on a map? Yeah. This was, I didn't either. Okay.

So this is how uncultured I am. Or all of us are. I was going to say near Turkey? Near Greece. Near Greece. Above Greece. Also near Turkey. Kind of in between, but it's right above Greece.

So the food is actually kind of Greek-ish. Lots of salads. They're very proud of their salads, their soups, and they say they invented yogurt. Oh. Really? They told me that in the car ride on my way to the hotel. They're like, you know, we invented yogurt. And I was like, interesting.

What a strange thing to say to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yogurt. And they love a yogurt soup. Like what, for instance? Like a cold yogurt soup with like a dill. Oh. Yeah.

At every meal, there was a yogurt soup. Every time. I'm honestly not sure if dill is good or terrible. Oh, disagree. Can't tell. Hard disagree. Love dill. I like a dill, good or terrible. I can't tell. Hard disagree. Love dill. I like a dill too.

It's a strong spice. Let's not be wild. Like you can't go wild with it. No, you don't go dill wild. No, I don't want two sides with dill. Just get one side with dill. Sure. Yeah.

You know, if you have to slice up some cucumbers, a little salt, pepper, sprinkle a little dill on there. So good. That's a side. That's a really good side. Okay. So you – I mean I'd love to hear about the project but I do mainly want to hear about the soups that you ate while you were there. I didn't eat as many soups as I probably should have taken advantage of.

Okay. Did you have any Gertz? Good Gertz? What? You know, they invented Gertz there. Is it Gertz? It's a fun name that I just came up with for yogurt. Oh, Gertz.

I see. That's the cool way to say yogurt. Yeah. Like if it's for teens. I'm very cool. Teen yogurt is called Gertz. Yeah. Hey, dude, you want to TikTok some Gertz?

They have a teen section at my local grocer. It's full of Gertz. Both a teen section at my local grocer. It's full of gerts. Both my local library and my local grocer. You can tell it's the teen section because all the signage looks like it was

spray painted. Oh, yeah. Yeah, or written in like a handwriting. Right, yeah. Free web browsing. That's nice. Which is cool.

And there are stickers. The teens like stickers. I'm old. What do teens like? Oh, it's stickers. Stickers. They love sticking. Stickering are stickers. The teens like stickers. I'm old. What do teens like? Oh, it's stickers. Stickers. They love sticking. Stickering stickers on things.

They love stickers and they love shortening the word yogurt to Gertz. Right. I didn't have that much Gertz. Shout out to MaxFun host Allie Gertz. Yeah. Whose ears are perhaps burning right now. Yeah. Sorry, Allie.

We're not talking about you and your Great Simpsons podcast. We're talking about ways to shorten yogurt. You're going to want to find a salve for those ears. Sure. It'd be smart of her to start a yogurt line, though. Boy, it sure would. Release a yogurt line, Allie Gertz. Hey, everybody.

If you're out there on Twitter, what do they need to do? What was the first thing we wanted them to do? Tweet at J.D. Power? No. It was something else at the beginning of the episode. Of this episode? Yes. Is it related to chicken courts?

Yes. Okay. Three things. What are your cases for chicken courts? Yeah. Tweet Allie Gertz some flavors of yogurt you'd like for her to distribute. Yeah. And something else that I forget.

Okay. I don't know. Do you see Allie Gertz producing like a sweet, thin yogurt? Like a Yoplait? You see her like a straight yogurt? No, Icelandic. Icelandic. Hearty.

Yeah. Meaty. Maybe she could make a chicken yogurt. Moist. Well, I think she's make a chicken yogurt. Moist. Well, I think she's a vegan. Oh. It's hard yogurt. What's the progress?

The whole yogurt thing in general. Probably not a good idea. No. So other than the food, what did you think about Bulgaria? I mean, obviously you were directing a TV show, so probably not a lot of free time to just tourist around. But did you get any kind of sightseeing time? I did a little sightseeing. So I was in Sofia, which is a large city.

One might say it's the capital, but I don't truly know the answer. One wouldn't be confident in so doing. I'm not confident. I would say I'm 50-50 about whether that's the capital. You think it is? Sure. Okay. Sofia, Bulgaria.

It is. Great. Okay. Sofia, Bulgaria. It is. Great. Okay. That's confirmed. All right. It's very pretty. Nice countrysides. I saw some churches.

Okay. Nice churches. I went to a communist museum apartment. It was like an apartment designed as like a communist apartment from the 80s. Okay. Because they were under communism until like also something I should know. apartment from the 80s. Okay. Because they were under communism until like, also something I should know. Yeah.

Late 80s. What do you get in a communist apartment? You get a nice, how's the tile in the bathroom? Not great. Yeah. Not great. Well, communism doesn't work. Yeah, they talked a lot about the whole,

this is a long, needless story, but essentially the whole thing in the apartment is they were like, these people lived here and they had this like fake couple. But the fake couple didn't like communism. So I thought that was a little confusing as like the premise of the like tour. Right. And they were like, this lady is against – they have all these magazines that are anti-communism. So it was things like that. Sure.

But they also had like food and drinks and things like that. Were the man and the woman who lived in the apartment – That was way more interesting, and drinks and things like that. Were the man and the woman who lived in the apartment now were they inventing yogurt? No. No. No. Were they consuming yogurt?

You mentioned food and drinks. I'm sure. Yeah. They were consuming. They brought us a drink that was some sort of I don't know like a lemon soda.

Oh. Maybe. Like a limonata? Yeah. Something like that. And then they had a lot of candies. Like a limonata? Yeah, something like that. Not a yogurt drink. Like a kefir. No, like a lassi.

Oh, like a lassi, yeah. No, no, they didn't have that. They don't do a yogurt drink. It's a soup. It's mainly soups. Soup with dill. Can I ask you two a question? No.

I want to get serious about lassi for a second. Sure. You guys ever had, so obviously your classic American Indian or Pakistani restaurant lassi is going to be a mango lassi. Right. And what about the salty lassi? Have you ever had the salty lassi that's further from our cultural experience? And what did you think? I was going to make a joke about how the wife only does the salty lassie on my birthday.

But that would be insensitive and inaccurate as I am not married. And don't celebrate my own birthday. It sounds like you're saying like an Irish term for a – mispronouncing an Irish term for like an angry woman. Oh. A salty lassie. Oh, sure. Oh, that old salty lassie. Turn me a new one.

Back at the old peat bog. I guess I don't... I'm not familiar with the savory lassies. Have you ever had the salty lassie? Here's the thing. I also... Spoiler side note, I haven't had dairy in like 20 years, so I didn't even have the Bulgarian yogurt, much less a salty lassie.

Oh, wow. Yeah, well, look. The last thing that I want you to have, Bria, is intestinal distress. Thank you. Appreciate it. This booth is very small. It's super small here. We're not going to force feed you cottage cheese. You'll fart up the place. You brought all this cottage cheese.

Oh, you're going to watch me eat it. Okay. Again, we do not have a lot to do on this show. cheese. Oh, you're going to watch me eat it. Again, we do not have a lot to do on this show. There is a really great Pakistani restaurant near here that has a rose lassi. The salty lassi

is, I've ordered it, and it's kind of good, but it's very unusual to an American palate. Sure. And if you order it, I think maybe I've ordered it twice in my life, the waiter will be confused to the point of anger if you are a white person. They'll be like, you know that's very salty, right?

Like they really, sort of like if you ordered enchiladas in 1952, they would have to like check in to make sure you could handle it. It's just mildly salty. But there's also a rose lassi at this Pakistani restaurant right near our office. Great Pakistani restaurant. And I learned that my office mate, Daniel Baruela, is morally opposed to rose flavored foods. I feel kind of how you feel about Dil, about rose. But I'm sort of with him.

Really? Yeah. Don't put it. It's not for food. I made a beautiful rose ice cream one time. I put some rose water in when I was making some ice cream. It's not my fave. I have had that before.

And yeah. I mean, it's interesting. It's fun. But to me, the sensation is like when you spray a bathroom spray after taking a dump. There's a spray in the bathroom. And then you spray it and then some goes in your mouth. Oh, okay. That to me is the experience of rose water flavored things.

You smell something, you actually are also tasting it. So it is going in your mouth. Wow. This is fun. I'm learning a lot about both Bulgaria. And so you both tasted the spray, but also the dump. Wow. So I eat my own dump.

Everybody in junior high was right. I'm going to call those guys. How do you feel about like a- I got to call Josh Foreman and tell him he was right about me eating my own dumps. Hey, sorry, Josh. You were right. What an insult. You don't owe Josh an apology.

He owes you an apology. No, I told him that I didn't eat my own dumps, but apparently I did. Yeah. So you owe him an apology because you were trying to bullshit him at the time. Right. I think I was just- And unintention Right. I was just uninformed. Now you know. Now I know.

You eat them every day. What about a chrysanthemum? Do you ever eat a chrysanthemum? You know, sometimes there's chrysanthemum in a- Get those flowers out of the food. Yeah, they're for admiring. They're not for eating. You can smell it.

Those aren't for eating. Put it in a potpourri. Put it in a potpourri. Dry it. Listen, maybe we'repourri. Put it in a potpourri. Dry it. Listen, maybe we're just a bunch of Westerners in here, but I'm not going to munch no chrysanthemums. So you're saying? I'm not going to nom any orchids. When it comes to a flower.

Yes. It's okay to admire it from afar. Yeah. But eating is cheating. Yeah. You're cheating your palate out of a better food. So, wow. I guess eating is cheating.

I don't know. I kind of like it. What about a honeysuckle? Oh, that was the third thing I wanted people to say on Twitter is how you can put eat and eat cheating onto a license. Oh, there we go. That's good. There we go.

What about, third question, what about, I believe it's a honeysuckle where you bite the back off and then you suck out the juices. You ever do that as a child? I do like this. And that breaks my flower rule. That actually might be a chrysanthemum now that I say it out loud. Yeah. I've had two.

I guess we're learning a lot. Yeah. Man, I have a long email to write to Josh for me. Dear Josh, haven't talked to you in 20, 30 years. I have some things to update you about. The good news, Jordan, is I talked to Josh Foreman. Really? Yeah, while you were talking to Bria just now.

Telepathically? Yeah, he's actually one of JD. No, not telepathically. By text message. Oh, okay. Come on. They talk all the time. They talk all the time. Wow, I didn't know. He's in touch with all of your childhood message. Oh, okay. Come on. They talk all the time. I have a cell phone. They talk all the time.

Wow, I didn't know. He's in touch with all of your childhood friends. Wow. Yeah. Okay, well, I mean, I guess I wouldn't consider Josh Foreman a friend, but. Bully? Yeah, maybe a little bit, but no, it's okay. It's fine.

I mean, water under the bridge. No, I try. Dumps under the mouth. I try and make sure that anybody who picks on Jordan, I get a good relationship with him in case I need to get a team together to crush him at some point. Oh, yeah. Oh, good idea. You want to have all my insecurities at the ready.

Yeah. I found out that he is one of J.D. Power's associates. So you just tweet at J.D. Power. That will get disseminated to Josh Foreman. Yeah. That's J.D. Power. That will get disseminated to Josh Foreman. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. But yeah, so you were in Bulgaria for three weeks.

Yeah. That's a lot of weeks. Where are you staying? Are you in a Bulgarian hotel? I was in an apartment. Okay. Yeah. That's nice.

A communist apartment? Yeah, a communist apartment. No, it's like a TV show, so they give you an apartment because you're there for a minute. It's nice. A communist apartment? Yeah, a communist apartment. No, it's like a TV show so they give you an apartment because you're there for a minute. And it's good. I mean, I was there for three weeks, but it took me like a week to get adjusted because the time difference is 10 hours. And – Long time. You were telling me that before we started that you were just waking up from a nice big jet lag nap.

I just took a jet lag nap, which kind of feels like you're dying in the middle of the day. Like in the middle of the day like in the middle of the day you sleep so hard i like put on stranger things season three because i'm behind on all my television and i and i was watching it and i slept so hard i feel like and you wake up and i was just like in a flop sweat like i was like sweaty and like woke up it felt like i slept for like three days but then it was like oh no it's only been an hour how many episodes of stranger things had passed who could say no yeah i don't know uh yeah that is something interesting when you like fall asleep watching some like streaming tv with like autoplay and you wake up and you're like oh my god how many episodes have passed it is frustrating and they should have some sort of thing that they

can tell that you're not watching it anymore yeah your eyes aren't on the TV. Yeah. The streaming machine should be able to watch you while you sleep. Yeah. They should know when you're asleep. Yeah. I mean, we're only one step away from that. It's not that far. Does it have the Santa chip? It knows when you are sleeping and knows when you're awake.

Just shoots coal at you for not watching enough? I see you've paused to masturbate. Are you masturbating to this or despite this? What exactly are you masturbating to? Do you get horned up? Roku would like to know. Monster on Stranger Things

sure is hot. Oh yeah, love that Demogorgon. Gotta get all horned up. The Demogorgon gives me a Demi hard on. A partial hard on. The old Demi Gordon semi chub. Yeah, I know that. I know that particular.

Hey, speaking of body matters. Yeah. Happy Analogous. Happy Analogous, everyone. We're so proud to welcome everyone into one of the most sacred months of the year on the Jordan-Jessie-Go calendar.

Right. And, yeah, so just like, so for you, I mean, I briefly mentioned that this was going to come up. You just warned me.

Yeah. I think you thought I was going to run screaming out of the booth. No. I was going to be very concerned. Sure. I mean,

I just don't want to yell Happy Analogous. I mean, because we haven't seen each other in a while. You can yell at me. I'm not your mom. It's fine.

No, that's true. You're not? I came on the show to tell you something. I got to call Josh Foreman. I just need to reconnect with that guy. It's convenient

to reconnect with him. Do you have Mike Rennery's number, by the way? No, sorry. I don't keep a bully log. What about Vicente? Do you have Vicente's number? I do, yes.

Okay. But that's private. Okay. It's unlisted. For you guys to talk about never dropping passes and touch football on the playground? Yeah, that's basically all we talk about. Okay. So this was – I don't know if they still do this.

I have maybe not noticed. So there's a nice sex positive sex store on Santa Monica Boulevard called the Pleasure Chest. And they would always have signs for Analogous. Oh.

And yeah, and I think we just kind of thought that that was a nice, a nice thing to celebrate and a nice,, not just for trying new things in the bedroom, but also just trying new things in life. Expanding your horizons. Yeah, we try not to get locked into the literal meaning of things. Okay. We have a gift, a flair, I think, for figurative language, sort of like the late Robert Frost.

Sure, yeah. So it could apply to, like, if I'm sort of anal about something, I should let loose. Oh, no. Yeah, with a torrent of diarrhea. Sure. That's why we brought in this cottage cheese. Oh, no. Sorry.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's, I mean in this cottage cheese. Oh, no. Sorry. Yeah. I mean, I think that's – I mean, that's great. I mean, kind of like getting rid of insecurities and, again, just kind of going out of your comfort zone a little bit but doing it safely. Yeah. Now, here is, of course, the key watchwords of Analogous. Okay. Without a base, without a trace. Without a base, without a trace.

So when you are adventuring, when you're embarking upon new experiences, you have to make sure that whatever they are, you are pursuing them in a responsible fashion. So if you're shoving something up the old keister, you have to make sure it has a flared base so you don't lose anything. Great, great, great, great. And, you know, some years ago, I believe it may have been during Anal August, we heard from a lot of folks who worked in the medical field, Jordan Jesse Gold has worked in the medical field, about different things that have been found in butts. They were, is the Richard Gere situation. Well, allegedly. Yeah.

I'm not here to spread rumors about legendary silver fox Richard Gere. He's a treasure. He's a real treasure. Unless the rumors are true. I have respect either way. In which case they seem abusive. Either way. They seem abusive.

So for you it's about the work. It's about the work and, you know, being able to survive a rumor that may or may not be true and still be able to work. That's true. It's getting out there. Being too old to star in a romantic comedy, but doing a solid job nonetheless. Yeah, yeah. So, side story. Please.

That's what the show is about, really, is side stories. Yes. Yes. That's what the show is about, really, is side stories. Yes. I work on a show called Eastsiders, which is on Netflix. And we were prepping for our season that we just shot in the fall. It'll be out this summer. And it's a LGBT show, so there's a lot of sex stuff in it.

And we get some interesting offers for product placement. And there was one that I can't remember the name, which is really unfortunate. But it was a flavor all named after donuts because it was for your butthole. So this is like a flavored like a lube? It seemed to be more of a sugar scrub. Oh, okay. A sugary scrub that people can, but it's flavored. Right. And they're all named after donuts because you could

use the word hole in it. So it was like donut hole was like the name of it. And it was like glazed cherry. You know, like things along those lines. And that was the more interesting, one of the more, we did not end up using that as a product placement. But I mean, we're getting it out here. I can't remember the name of it or else this guy would be,

you know, he'd be stoked. I think it's called First Honda of Sumi Valley. All right. Okay. Just because you're getting kickbacks. Sorry, I wanted an extra side, baby. Daddy wanted some green beans. Sure.

That's a good side, too. So it was glazed. Glazed. Do you remember the other? You know, it's not a very – no, not really. It was like some like fruits. Like there was like a fruit one maybe. I think a cherry one or something like that.

Brian, would you actually Google this product? And don't you dare turn on private browsing. We want to know what you've been doing. Yeah, and it's all donut flavored. I don't know how you Google it. Like donut, but. But. I want you to upset future employees using that shared computer.

Yeah. Speaking of Daniel Baduela. Fun anal August. Sorry, Brian? Could it be unicorn spit? No, but go on. That's donut flavored lube that I found. Oh, that's fun.

That's fun. So this is fun. There's all sorts of stuff for anal August. I'm just saying there's fun. There's a lot of fun products out there. Fun products, yeah. Can you think of anything on that show that people, that you did end up using on camera that someone sent for free?

Yeah. There's like a product that you prep your butt, your anal cavities with. Sure. Clears them out. You have your anal cavities with clears them out. You have multiple anal cavities? One's – One people – You are. Both of you are anal cavities. The two people in this room is anal cavities.

All anal cavities present. Yeah. Right. All of them – there's one we did. There's the royal we and this is the royal a. Yeah. Yeah. Which name I can't think of right now.

But it's some sort of – it's like you prep. Like a prep. A cleanliness. A cleanliness prep. You do it like the night before or two days. We did use that. That's nice. Yeah.

And then also – That's just encouraging good hygiene. Good hygiene. I have not watched the show but it seems like you guys have a good set of values. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then also there's like – we also have – well, this is not for hygiene, but we talk about PrEP on there too. It's just like the thing you take to – I don't want to say stop HIV, but it keeps you from being – It makes transmission dramatically less likely.

Yes, yes. So we talk about that quite a bit. And there's some government agency that I think gives us money for that or something. I don't know who it is. That's nice. Yeah, it's cool. So I guess the sugar scrub is – I mean, I'm guessing it is back there in case someone is munching around. Yeah, it's for munching.

And it makes it a little more fun. Yes. Could it be Tasty Hole Scrub? Tasty Hole Scrub. Thank you. Tasty Hole Scrub. Yeah, that's it. Tasty Hole Scrub.

In our offer code, JJ, go and check out Tasty Hole Scrub, just like Mom used to make. Eat your mother's ass with some Tasty Hole Scrub. Get right in there. Don't be afraid. Hard to believe Elton John and Tim Rice wrote that Honey, before you go out tonight I made you some tasty whole scrubs Aw, Mom!

Yeah, I mean, just be prepared You don't want it to be Mom, it's my prom, not yours! Do you guys want to hear some of the flavors? Yes, we would love to, Brian Thanks, Brian Oh, and thank you for confirming that Sounds like we do, too There's Peach Ring Yep of the flavors? Yes, you do. We would love to, Brian. Thank you. Thanks, Brian. Oh, and thank you for confirming that. Yeah.

Sounds like we do. There's Peach Ring. Yep. There is the Cherry Gobbler. Okay. There we go. See, I knew there were some good ones. The Hot Vanilla Latte.

Yep. Yep. The Leather Daddy Body Scrub. Oh, that's not donut flavor. Not donut. It's not even fun. I mean, there's

the classic glazed donut hole. Yeah. Which I was about to let it prevents chafing. Sure. Especially seasonally if you have that problem. And talcum powder is potentially carcinogenic, so.

Is it? Yeah, if you inhale it, it's bad for you. So you're going to want some of that Leather Daddy stuff just so you don't get a topical rash. There's also a Leather Daddy body lotion and body wash. Oh, wow. But what do you need the wash for? It's not going to affect whether the leather is... Does it smell like leather?

But here's the thing. You're going to want that wash because you're out there fucking. Sure, yeah. But why is it leather flavored? Why is it leather... Would you call a body... A smell. A smell.

I think they like the smell. Scent. It's like new car. I think it's scent. What if you had a body wash that was new car flavor? That's so gross. Your ass tastes like a new car. A Honda Odyssey from

Simi Valley Honda. See? I can get paid too. What's your new side? Buttermilk biscuit? No, I mean that's like a bread choice. It's not a side. Yeah, I agree. If you have to have a biscuit as I mean, that's like a bread choice. It's not a side. Yeah, I agree. If you have to have a biscuit as a side, that's not a good restaurant.

But what if it's a nice biscuit? It's not just Bisquick or whatever. They make them there. Bisquick's kind of good, too. Yeah, I was going to say that is buttermilk. I feel like Bisquick. Yeah. They make them.

It's a house-made biscuit drenched in butter. Oh, that sounds good. And, if you like, they'll give you a little ramekin of gravy for dipping. Mmm. Okay. Interesting. I think I'm going to go onion rings. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Get rings. Get rings. You know they're tempura rings.

Wow. Even better. Yeah. Hand-dipped? Yeah. Wow. You never make them at home, so you should always dip them out. No, you're right. Exactly. I'm not going to have these at home. I mean, I can make a biscuit at the house, you know. Even better. Hand dipped? Yeah. Wow. You never make them at home, so you should always dip them out. No, you're right. Exactly. I'm not going to have these at home. I mean, I can make a biscuit at the house, you know. You could.

Yeah. And there's one last flavor, limited time only for the fall. Yeah. Pumpkin spice. Oh, that's nice. For that basic ass eater. We know you're out there being basic, wearing your Uggs and eating ass. Yeah, just finish watching all of Cheers.

I mean, all of Friends on Netflix and you want to munch some butt. Cheers is clearly going to be the donut glazed one. Yeah. If you watch Cheers. Or a blue collar. Let's match the binge watch sitcom to the anal scrub flavor. Okay. Brian, give us three more

and we'll figure out what their vengeance is. There's that Leather Daddy one. That's all of them. I can give you those. Just give me Leather Daddy, Hot Vanilla Latte, Cherry Gobbler,

and Peach Ring. Hot Vanilla Latte. Is that going to be Frazier? Yeah. I think that's a good call. It's a little she-she, a little upper crust, a little Niles. Although we may remember on Seinfeld when they talked about a cafe latte.

That's okay. That was just as the latte craze was sweeping the nation. Yeah. Do you want to go? Do you have a feeling if it's Frazier or if it's Seinfeld? I think it's Frazier. I agree. I'm just complicating things for no reason.

Seinfeld may be Cherry Gobbler. Why do I make things so hard on myself? That's fine. Can we talk about it? Do you need to talk about it? I just feel like I could have just left it be and I made it more complicated. I don't know why I do this all across my life. You're just trying to give all the options.

Keep it simple, stupid, like James Carville told Bill Clinton. Now, give me some of that Chef Paul Prudhomme gumbo. It's me, James Carville. Yep. All good impressions start with it's me. And then they say their own name. It means it's a good impression. Jordan, I did not start with it's me. And then they say their own name. That means it's a good impression. Jordan, I did not start with, it's me.

That was my grand finale. Oh, that was the end of the impression. That was the prestige. At the end of the impression, you say who you were impersonating. Yeah. So we're going to go, oh. Brian, give us one more butt munch flavor, and we'll say what they're binge watching. And then we'll take a break.

The last one we've got here is Peach Ring. Peach Ring. Peach Ring. Wow. Was Cherry Gobbler Seinfeld? Yeah. Cherry Gobbler Seinfeld. Peach Ring.

Boy, I don't know why this came to mind, but Bob's Burgers? Yeah. Peach Ring seems like a little bit of a millennial flavor. I got it. I mean, ass-e bit of a millennial flavor. I got it. I mean, ass eating is a millennial practice. Yeah. I think everyone can enjoy it, but I think millennials in particular are fond of it.

Yeah. I like it. Unless there's like a Georgia-based binge-watch, you know, peaches. Oh, right. That would be kind of perfect. But I can't think of any actual Georgia-based shows. Because I can't either. Well, yeah. Let's go with Bob's Burgers.

Great. I'll quit questioning. Yeah. Good for us. Let's go with Bob's Burgers. I'll quit questioning. Yeah. Good for us. You have the same problem. Are you Libra? Do you want to do joint therapy? Maybe we should.

It's a Libra thing. It's a Libra thing. I don't believe in it, but I like to talk about it. I know it's a Libra thing. I've seen both your t-shirts. And yeah, I'm dealing with it. And yes, I'll deal with it. As the t-shirts want me to do.

I'm glad we wore the same t-shirt today. If you're a Libra who eats ass, get out of this country. It can't stop over-complicating things. Right. I buy all my t-shirts from Facebook ads. Sorry, snowflakes.

I'm an ass-eating Libra who loves my grandkids. Get out of this country. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, showed up in my email from the swimming pool of which my family is a member. Hello, members. The play pool will be closed for the remainder of the day due to extreme vomit.

Oh, boy. Whoa. We apologize for the inconvenience. Due to extreme vomit? Yeah. So it's like a vomit that would be used to sell Doritos in the 90s. Yes. Are you tired? Are you tired of your parents' vomit?

This vomit gets the job done. It closes the pool. This vomit closes the pool. You want vomit that'll close the pool? Of course, every Jordan and Jesse Go episode is brought to you by all of the members of MaximumFun.org. Everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash donate listens to this program and become a member. We're grateful to each and every one of those people. We are this week also supported in part by our friends at Dashlane.

Dashlane is a password management app, but it also keeps all your online information safe, secure, encrypted, easy to access. It's actually kind of like a suite of internet safety services that they provide. The internet's a spooky place, Jesse. Yeah, I know.

You don't have to tell me. Yeah. I've seen the ghosts. Sure. It's because you googled ghost and then went to images. Dashlane basically is just an app that won't let you Google ghost. Right. Here's what it does. It remembers all your passwords so you don't have to. It seamlessly autofills all your login information, syncing automatically across your computer, phone, and tablet.

It even stores payment details. And go ahead. Get weird with your passwords. Yeah. Make one ghost. Yeah. Or ghost 69. Or you can let Dashlane generate a quote-unquote real stumper for you. Yeah.

If you want a real stumper, call Dashlane. They'll get you a real stumper. And they will keep it safely stored in a password vault only you can unlock. Jordan, I'm so excited about Dashlane. I'm generating a real stumper. All right. All right. Jeez Louise.

It's like you saw the Demi Gorgon. Check out Dashlane.com slash JJGo to get Dashlane free on your first device. And as a special offer for Jordan Jesse Go fans, they're even offering a 30-day free trial of Dashlane Premium, including VPN, dark web monitoring, and more. If you like it, use code JJGO at checkout to save 10% on your premium subscription. All of that, all those services in the premium product, get yourself a VPN. You deserve it. Yeah. Dashlane.com slash JJGo. Offer code JJGo at checkout.

Save 10%. And if you go on to maxfundstore.com, you can get some of the merch from our Summer Boys of Summer Tour. Oh, man. We have posters. Yeah. We've got challenge coins. Beach balls.

Beach balls, baby. And nothing else. Yeah, those three things. Those three things. Maxfundstore.com. But I just want to correct a misperception. Please. Now, beach balls obviously are called beach balls.

Yeah. The truth is, as long as you huff and puff, you can use them anywhere. Sure. As long as they're properly inflated. Yeah, now do not use an under or uninflated beach ball. Yeah. You're not going to have fun with that ball. Not that fun. No.

Use it in the desert. Yeah. Use it at a store. Oh, that's two great ideas for places to use it, Jordan. Use it in a spooky graveyard. Now, that sounds a little too spooky for my tastes, but if that's... Hey, if anybody out there is a beach ball goth, go to town. MaxFunStore.com is where you can get our summer boys of summer merchandise, all designed by

the great Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. He did a hell of a nice job. MaxFunStore.com. Can I say something about those challenge coins? You know how those work right oh yeah you throw it down when you're with military or first responder personnel yeah and if you don't have a challenge coin you got to buy the drinks yeah and there is as we've said on this program nothing a first responder or a member of the military respects more

than the summer tour of this stupid podcast. They love it. Yeah. But if you're a real summer boy, irrespective of your gender identity, you can grab some summer boy stuff at maxfundstore.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's Priya Gran, all the way from Bulgaria.

She sure is. Goulash in hand. Nope. We were talking in hand. Nope. We were talking off mic. What do you like? What do you like? Smoked paprika? A Hungarian paprika?

Or a standard paprika? Don't care. As long as it's in my mouth. Don't be crazy. Smoked is always the way to go. Is that your favorite paprika? Always go smoked. Anytime you have the option of smoked, I think you go smoked.

But yeah, smoked paprika is the jam. Okay. Yeah. It's a really nice paprika. It actually is nice and jam. Oh, okay. I prefer a joked paprika or a midnight-toked paprika. Who cares?

Just say anything, right? Say whatever. It's the Lloyd Dobler principle. Lloyd Dobler. That's the main character from Say Anything. Right, right. He was into kickboxing. Yeah, there you go.

He was? Yeah, I think so. Also in that show, Frasier's dad. Are you thinking of the star of Ong Bak? No, I'm thinking of Lloyd Dobler. Oh, okay. But also. Are you thinking of Double Dragon?

I am thinking of Billyoyd dobler oh okay but also are you thinking of double dragon i am thinking of i'm thinking of billy and jimmy from double dragon yeah uh by the way i i feel like i implied that mike rennery was a bully mike rennery was a nice guy it's just a name from elementary school i thought yeah don't have you because if you don't don't dox mike rennery on jesse's behalf i got no beef with mike rennery he was a nice student at discovery center school don't, don't dox Mike Rennery on Jesse's behalf. I got no beef with Mike Rennery. He was a nice student at Discovery Center School. He was probably a bully to somebody. On Ocean Avenue in San Francisco.

Everyone's somebody's bully, you know? Yeah, that's true. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe he was, what was your bully? Josh Foreman. Maybe he was Josh Foreman's bully. Oh, yeah.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. He bullied the bullies. Maybe. What's purple look like to you? I know what it looks like to me. Right.

But what's it look like to you? To Hume? Yes. To Hume. The political philosopher? Yes. Okay. Just say anything. That's how it goes. Say anything. That's how you make Political philosopher. Yes. Okay. Just say anything.

That's how it goes. Say anything. That's how you make a podcast. Just open your mouth and out it comes. Brian Fernandez, you've been listening to calls from listeners from our segment Momentous Occasions that we ask people to call us when something momentous happens to us at 206-9844-FUN or send us a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Either way, we're going to love it.

Let's take a listen to what Brian picked. What a great set of words I made. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Neil calling from Provincetown, Massachusetts. Calling in with a momentous occasion. I was just walking down the street. The main drag here is kind of like a shared street with bikes and cars and people.

Can you pause it? Now, I hadn't been to Massachusetts. The last thing I expected was that there would be cars and people right there on the same street. It's confusing. Provincetown sounds like a fucking paradise. Yeah. Cars, people living in harmony, fucking each other probably. One can only assume.

I mean, especially a hatchback. Get a load of that. 10 speed. Get in on the fun. Why don't you park your car in Harvard Yard Sure So I can plow it Sure, yeah

Let's hear some more about this nasty Massachusetts town, huh? Yeah I was walking down the middle of the road And a bike came towards me really fast And swerved out of the way at the last second And it was John Waters The film director John Waters, the film director, John Waters almost hit me with his bike.

So I thought that would make a good momentous occasion. Otherwise, I love the show. And yeah, that's it. Bye. God, can you imagine? Hey, Waters, I'm walking here. Waters. Can you imagine if you're John Waters?

You're in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Right. Can you imagine if you're John Waters? You're in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Right. Can you imagine? You must have to have a cattle prod to keep people from munching your ass. Oh, boy. Just the amount of ass munchery going down. Any time he wants is ass munched. Oh, sure.

Any fucking time. I'm sure he has a permanent person just there ready at the go. He probably just has to, like, he doesn't have to, like ready at the go. He probably just has to like, he doesn't have to like I was going to say, he just has to say like it's been a while since my ass has been munched. But I think he probably just has to kind of like stretch out and people understand. You don't even have to

put any donut flavored scrub back there. No. I think you're assuming a lot about John Waters sexual interests. That's fair. Do you know John Waters hitchhiked across the country fairly recently? Oh, yeah. He wrote a book about it, didn't he? Maybe a blog.

Maybe a book, yeah. I don't think it was a full book. I mean, what is a blog but a book for the eyes? Well, I think books are books. Oh, no. Books are books for the eyes. Books are blogs for the heart. Books are blogs for the heart.

A book is a blog for the heart and a blog is a book for the eyes. And a stint can prevent an arterial blockage. Oh, you insert a stint. Got it. Good, yep. This is all making sense. I had a buddy that got pink eye from Eatin' Ass and you can say it's me

you can use my real name it was Mike Rennery thank you for trying to protect me and then Jordan went to the you went to the doctor and the doctor was like what happened? and he's like

it's from Munchin' Ass and the doctor was like, what happened? He's like, I got it. He's like, it's from munching ass. And the doctor was like, and he was like, well, do you like the girl? And the guy was like, yeah.

And he was like, well, it's a risk. I think you should continue to take them. Wow. Wow. I happy anal August. Pink eyes,

just run to find true love. Good doc. Good doc. You know, they got married, that couple. Did they? Yeah, truly. To the doctor? No, no.

The doctor performed the ceremony. He's not that sex positive. I've always wanted to have a doctor in the family. It's not too late. It's not too late. That's really beautiful. That's a really beautiful story. I just celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary. You've been married 11 times?

Yeah. For one year, and then he gets divorced and then marries somebody else. I'm going to text my wife and see if we can find one of these nice ass-munching doctors. Let's kick it up 50%. Because you need doctor approval? Well, just a note. You need a note from the doctor. No, just what I'd like to-

Some risk you should continue to take. Right. I'd like to add an income to the household just because it can be quite expensive to buy a home here in the Los Angeles area. I totally agree. It's very expensive. So I don't- I mean, this was probably a general practitioner, I presume.

I assume, yeah. But it could be like some kind of butt or munching specialist, which could be even better paid. Proctologist. Sure. Is a butt munching specialist if you think about it. Yeah, that's true. I'm a proctologist. I will think about it.

Okay. Brian, do we have another call? Hello, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, Chris Fairbanks, baby. Nope. Nope. This is Eric calling from Aledo, Florida, formerly Round Rock, Texas. I called in the first week of the college.

Pause it. Pause it. Did Florida annex it? I don't know. Yeah, I'm confused as well. Round Rock is right in the center, too. It's very far in. Is it like Swaziland and Lesotho?

Yeah. Like completely surrounded by South Africa? I know you lived in Austin, but did you grow up there? Did you grow up in Texas? Yeah, yeah, in Texas, but not in Austin. I grew up in East Texas, but Round Rock is right outside. It has a lot of tech people. It's a tech center.

A big hub. Yeah, something's there. Interesting. Google, Apple, somebody. One of those. All my exes. That's what it is. That's what it is, yeah.

Okay, Brian, finish the call, please. To tell you about how I was a four-time Jeopardy! champion, I'm very excited to let you about how I was a four-time Jeopardy! champion. Well, I'm very excited to let you guys know that I've been notified that I'm going to be competing in this year's Tournament of Champions, so I'll be back on Jeopardy! And I hope everyone out there roots me on. Thanks, and I'm going to go full short. Okay. Full short. Okay. I'm going to go full chart. Okay.

Okay. I'm happy to hear this. That said, I'm friends with Ken Jennings now, so it sort of doesn't... Who cares? Yeah. I've been like... Oh, I'm with him. Hello, I'm with Antipode four times.

Ken Jennings is on Antopardy 7,000 times. He's the richest man in the world just from Jeopardy. Get out of here, Great Gazoo. That's all right. Great Gazoo appeared briefly. For your information, we did a kind of informal survey of listeners, and we found out that we do have a like an inordinate amount of jeopardy uh uh contestants in our audience what so yeah so we have a like maybe more jeopardy contestants per listener than any other podcast but how do you how do you get on there you listen to this show you listen to this show and then you absorb all the facts okay all the good information that we're

giving you and then they let you on jeopardy i mean they let you on jeopardy wow that's it can you just show them your phone and if you're subscribed to And then they let you on Jeopardy. I mean, they let you on Jeopardy. Wow, that's it. Ken does. You just show them your phone, and if you're subscribed to this podcast. They put you on Jeopardy? They'll just throw you up there with Trebek. Wow. I have a question. Yes.

You know, Ken Jennings has his own podcast with our friend John Roderick called Omnibus. Do you think that they have more Jeopardy listeners than us, or Jeopardy contestants than us? Or do you think that, Jeopardy! contestants than us, or do you think that other Jeopardy! contestants can't help but resent Ken Jennings? If I'm a Jeopardy!

you know, if I'm a Jeopardy! loser, I'm not going to want to listen to that smug, hilarious, nice guy who run his mouth, who is nice and funny, and really cool, and great every time he's been on the show. Nice, we met his wife, she was very nice and funny. Who is nice and funny. He is very nice and funny, man. Great every time he's been on the show. Nice when we met his wife.

She was very nice and cool. Yeah. God, he's great. Really a cool, cool. He's pretty good looking, too. Yeah. Not a bad looking guy. Not at all.

A real everyman look, but the kind of everyman that could really get it. Sure. You know what I mean? You really want him back there munching your ass. You guys like an, you prefer an everyman look. If you had to choose a man type that you prefer. Like, do I want like an angular beauty from Dorne? Yes.

Or do I want a- Greek god or everyman. Yeah, which fictional Game of Thrones country do you want your ass munched by? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great question. Do you have one off the top of your head? Do you, does something come to mind? Game of Thrones-wise or just generally?

Either or. I mean, no, I don't want an everyman. No, sure. No, no, chisel. Not just like a Jimmy Stewart. Go to the gym. I'd love to have like a Tom Hanks back there. Wow, a Tom Hanks.

Just a real charmer. He'd be so nice. He'd be so kind. I'd love to have a charmer back there. I want to, a Tom Hanks. Just a real charmer. He'd be so nice. He'd be so kind. I would like a charmer back there. I want to, I mean, I think, well, let's type. I don't know if I need them to speak. I'd prefer a silent muncher. Oh.

Because you want to be able to be on the phone while it's happening. Maybe like a Buster Keaton. Okay, fine. Sure. Fine, fine. Or the silent partner, as they call it in the legal profession. I think I would want... This is just a title card that says Munchin.

I think I would maybe go with like a Lannister, like a kind of a Teutonic. Oh, wow. Like a kind of sort of Aryan. Yeah. Okay. Because of wow. Okay, okay. Like a sort of Aryan. Yeah. Okay. Because of my interest in racial purity. You've got to keep that whole pure. You have to.

Everyone knows that's how you get pregnant. Yes, exactly. Ass munching. Exactly. If it's not pure, you're going to end up with pink eye. I bet the church approves of ass munching because it's not. Right? You know what I mean?

I mean, of all the sexual practices. Yeah, yeah. Definitely if you're out there and you're listening and you're a member of the clergy, definitely hit us up on Twitter and let us know. But yeah, I mean I think if you are, it seems likely. Brian, could you just real quick Google Pope Francis ass munching and see if he's issued any papal communiques on the subject? Don't you dare go into private browsing. You guys have a lot of Jeopardy contestants and then a lot of men of the cloth. Men and women of the cloth.

Yeah, and they listen. They have a lot of opinions. Well, specifically members of the College of Cardinals. Okay, great. Wow. And the St. Louis Cardinals. Oh. Sure.

Everybody's here, and we want everybody to weigh in. And also the Bird Cardinals. And the Bird, yes. The Bird. Cardinals listen. and we want everybody to weigh in. And also the bird. Cardinals. And the bird. Yes, the bird. Cardinals listen. Yes, exactly. They tune in.

Caw, caw, caw. If you're quiet, you can hear it. The call of the cardinal. Caw, caw, caw. Yes, God's okay with eating butt. Thank you, boys. No problem. I'm that bird who encouraged you to pick up litter from the PSAs.

Hi, it's me, former Cardinals third baseman Craig Pockett. Why do I talk like this? I love to munch ass and so should you. Yeah. It's good that you said your own name too. That's what they call the prestige, Jordan, when you're doing an impression like that we'll be right back on jordan jessico you wept as we crafted the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story.

Do you mean like he forgives Darth Vader? Mesa still love you, Annie. You gasped out loud at the shocking twists of Face Off 2. Face is wild. He takes his kid's face. What? We're writing an entire screenplay week by week on story brick season two hey folks freddie wong here with some exciting news about story break the writer's room podcast

where three hollywood professionals have one hour to spin cinematic gold we're shaking up our format by turning heaven heist one of our favorite ideas we've ever come up with on the show into a full screenplay heaven heist is an action comedy about a crew of misfit gangsters robbing the celestial bank of heaven think a coco meets point break join us as we write this crazy movie scene by scene and get an inside look at the screenwriting process on our podcast, Story Break, every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hello, I'm Mujan Safagari,

and I play a bunch of characters on Mission to Zix, an improvised science fiction podcast on Maximum Fun, and this is our incredible sound designer, Shane. Hello. Now, Shane makes it possible for me to play a thousand billion characters in our galaxy. Such as the Bajarian Jane, Ship of the Stars. And the Enforcer Joy, prepare to eat pancakes.

And we, let's get dressed it up, baby. And Emissary Turkmaticigan. Hey, I just got out of their air. And the horrible life! Oh, also there are five other cast members, and we'll give them just all a second to say hi. Uh, hello. Yeah, that's enough. Okay, so the season finale of Mission

to Zix is coming out next week, so it's the perfect time to dive in and catch up with our intrepid crew as they explore the Zix Quadrant. So give us a listen to Mission to Zix on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bria Grant, all the way from Bulgaria.

Bria, you are the host of Reading Glasses. That's true. Maximum Fund's own books and reading podcast, Reading Lifestyle podcast. Yeah, Reading Lifestyle. What's the best thing you've read lately that you can recommend to our audience? Hmm. I like this book called Magic for Liars by Sarah Gailey. It's like a lady detective in a magic school.

Cool. Yeah, but really cool. I really liked it. I don't know if you – lady detective. Lady detective is, I guess, the proper word for female detective. I just see detectives. I don't know if you – lady detective. Lady detective is, I guess, the proper word for female detective. I just see detectives. I don't know. I don't register what gender the detective was.

I just see a detective. And I also just read on my flight back. I read the new Colson Whitehead, Nickel Boys. Did you read it? I haven't read it. I had him on Bullseye a few years ago and found him to be immensely charming and fascinating, but then he started coming out with books that sounded very upsetting to me, so I

started avoiding them. I would say this falls into that category. Very upsetting. It's sort of based on a true story about a school for boys for juvenile delinquent type boys in the 50s, 60s that years later they found out were killing some of the boys andquent type boys in the 50s, 60s,

that years later they found out were killing some of the boys and burying them in the back. Just throwing those corpses right in the back. Sounds like a real horror. Dump them out, as they say. Sure, yes. Dump them out. That's what that T-shirt I saw at the dog track was talking about. Do you not read books about dark stuff?

I don't. I also don't generally consume entertainment about dark stuff. I got worried about it, and then I literally had to – I talked to my therapist about it once years ago. I was like, I can't watch scary stuff. I don't like really brutally intense stuff. I just want to watch all creatures great and small. And my therapist says, why is that a problem? And I was like, well, okay.

You win again, therapist. You win again, therapist. I was up in my cabin this past week and I got in another five or six chapters in Barack Obama's pretty good book for a guy that became president. Great book for the guy that became president. Pretty good book for a book writer. But I also finished up

a recent Jordan Jesse Go guest, Liz Gilbert's book, City of Girls. Ah, I want to read it. Oh boy, it is a humdinger. recent Jordan Jesse Go guest Liz Gilbert's book, City of Girls. I want to read it. Oh, boy. It is a humdinger. It is a hoot and a half. It is. I thought I really liked her previous novel.

And I liked this one significantly better. I'm kicking this up into loved. Okay. There is a ton of fucking in it. It's all about showgirls and putting on a show. Sure. A little razzle dazzle. It's all about razzle dazzle.

As you'll find with Liz Gilbert, it's about women finding that they can be themselves without apology, which is a real thrill. But it's just a hoot. It's just a hoot and a half. Epic scale. I'm waiting for it at the – I get all my books from the library. It's a long wait on that one. Let's see if I get it this year.

Might not get it. Got in on Nickel Boys pretty early, which was – Can I recommend something? Buy it. Just get it straight from Lizzie G. Oh, I don't know her. Get it straight from Lizzy G, baby. Can I get her number from you?

Can I just get her number from you? Get it straight from my homegirl, Lizzy G. Get it in the mail. Bria, you always have good horror movie recommendations, too, I feel like. Is there anything you've seen lately that might be under the radar? You know, I've been working a lot, so I don't watch as much when I'm working because my brain can't handle

stuff. But I did watch this movie called The Wind, which I loved. It is horror, and it's like a horror western, which is a tough category. Is it targeted at my dog when we first got her and take her for a walk and we couldn't

figure out what she was so upset about and then we realized that it was whenever it was windy. Are you serious? Yeah. Also buses. She was also really scared of buses and stairs. They're loud. Oh, yeah.

Stairs are scary for dogs if you think about it. Yeah. Like, you don't understand perspective very well. It's going to be confusing. Right. Right. scary for dogs if you think about it like you don't understand perspective very well it's gonna be confusing right um no this is about a woman who's like alone like a homesteader situation and homesteader that's the word right where you're like out and uh her husband keep keeps having to

like go to town for various things yeah and i think it happened to grain yeah well she put some of that stuff on her butthole yes and um and to town. You gotta go to town. And she keeps hearing noises and people are like, it's just the wind, but it's really something else. Some sort of Satan situation. Wow.

Devil. It's slow, but really good. I really, really liked it. And it really scared me. It's hard to scare me. Can I say, I'm not afraid of Satan.

I'm not either, but I... I am afraid of Satan. Sure, the meat, but I... I am afraid of Satan. Sure, the meat substitute. It's like if you ever go to a vegetarian restaurant, but you didn't know it was a vegetarian restaurant, so you ordered something called a Chick's Filet. Oh, sure. But with an X, and you thought it was just a fun styling of chicken filet,

but actually it turns out to be Satan. Yeah, it's have a weird texture. Gastrointestinal issues. You're afraid of being surprised by a weird texture. I'd rather just have a vegetable soup or something, you know? Yeah, a lentil. A lentil. A nice hearty soup,

and as we learned at the beginning of this program, a great side. Yeah. Well, guys, we brought it back around. We really did. The show is actually good. Yeah. We did. We finished our. The show is actually good. Yeah. We did.

We finished our Herald. Yes, exactly. Thank you, 10 people in the audience. Where's our Emmy? Who are in the next improv group. Reading Glasses. It's on MaximumFun.org, and people should listen to it weekly. Every week.

Every week. Every Thursday morning, 8 a.m. The best-selling author, Mallory O'Meara. Yeah, best-selling author. Out there best-selling her books. Out there hawking those books. Writing a new book, some about cocktails. I don't quite remember.

Yeah, it's about women and drinking alcohol. It's not written yet, I don't think, so I don't really know. But women and alcohol in history. But her first book, the book that's out, is called The Lady from the Black Lagoon. About the woman who created the creature from the Black Lagoon. Have you heard of this lagoon? Oh, I've tried to stay away from it. Yeah.

Spooky. Yeah, there's some nicer lagoons. Me too. My therapist says it's fine. Yeah, yeah. It's okay for me to avoid that lagoon. I don't need to confront that lagoon to be a good person. And just visit that cathedral at Notre Dame. Nothing

bad's happened there. Ah, Hunchback! Also burned. Oh, yeah. Also a tragic fire. Oh, yeah, sure. Probably that Hunchback. Oh, actually, what happened? He's Hunchback and arsonist. Right, yeah. It's the only way he can jack off.

If not the Hunchback, definitely one of those fucking musketeers. Am I right? Thank you. They roll in packs. Sure. Three or more. Yep. More?

Mostly three. Also look out for Nutrageous. Look out for Take Five Bar. If you see it, take five bar. Buy it then because that's probably the best bar, but you don't always see it. Yeah. It's rare. It's got a pretzel in the middle.

It's rare. Does it? It's really good. Yeah, it's a really good candy. Is it five kinds of nuts? No. Why is there five? Five ingredients.

I think it's chocolate, caramel, peanuts. Nougat. Nougat. Pretzel. That's just a Snickers. We ended the show. Why are we describing candy? We had a good ending.

What are we doing? That's just a Snickers with a pretzel in it. And they come in their two little bites, too, so you can share it with the friends, too. What about peanut butter? There's peanut butter in it. There is peanut butter. You're right. There's a candy in Bulgaria called a corny.

Yes. Yes. And it's corn, like popcorn, I think, marshmallow cream, and chocolate, I believe. Marshmallow cream and chocolate, I believe. That sounds all right. Is it good? Yeah. I didn't try it. But one day, this man was eating it, and I was like, what is that?

And he says, you don't know what is corny? For some reason, that really tickled me. You don't know what is corny? You don't know what is corny? Yeah. I don't know what is corny. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit, Maxim? Yeah. I know what is corny. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez.

You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can also find us on Facebook where you can like Jordan Jesse Go or join the MaxFun group. We are on Twitter, Jordan underscore Morris, Jesse Thorne, Bria Grant. You're just Bria Grant, right? Hell yeah. No curveballs there. Nope. You're a straight shooter, if nothing else. Listen, there's no other Brea Grant's that I know of.

You're a regular Tom Hanks. Call me up for your ass-munching needs. Or to play Mr. Rogers. Either way. I bet Mr. Rogers munched ass. Well, I don't want to presume. His wife's. His wife's, Jordan.

His wife's. It's very neighborly. His wife's. His wife's, Jordan. His wife's. It's very neighborly. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. His beautiful wife, Mrs. Rogers. Sure. That's all. Oh, maxfundstore.com is where you can go get that summer boys of summer stuff.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye. Maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.