Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 598: Gobble Gobble Baby with Scott Gairdner and Jason Sheridan

Episode Date: August 20, 2019

Scott Gairdner (Podcast: The Ride podcast) and Jason Sheridan (Podcast: The Ride podcast) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's recent oral surgery and the gentle manner in which his dentist scolds him, the intense tournament that Jason and Scott held on their theme park/entertainment podcast to determine the best fake rocks in the world, and the various strategies one might employ to revive a stressed-out hummingbird. Plus, Jordan launches a new plan to harness the power of the podcast audience. Go to MaxFunStore.com to get your hands on some sweet Summer Boys of Summer Tour merch!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the King of Oral. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Now, Jordan. Yes. A lot of people think that the King of Oral, they presume that the King of Oral is a title of oral they presume right that the king of oral is a title bestowed upon yeah the person who is most proficient at delivering or perhaps receiving oral sexual pleasure who thinks that who thinks

that brian thought that brian did you think that? I thought that. Why? He thought that. That's crazy. Oral sex. A lot of people think that. It's a crime in some states. A lot of. What sick, twisted. Now, Jordan. What kind of.

Jordan. Sick mind. Jordan, let me also include you in this because there are a lot of people. I would never. Whose minds don't go straight to the gutter, and they assume if there's a king of oral, it's obviously former Dodgers pitcher Oral Archizer. That's what I assumed. Yeah. I assumed that you had known for his scoreless inning streak above all else.

I assumed that's what you were talking about. His dominance in the 1988 that brought the Dodgers all the way to the World Series where they were defeated. Maybe you and he were. No, where they defeated the Oakland Athletics. Oh. I thought maybe you and he had entered into some sort of dom-sub relationship. Yeah.

So you were his king or his master or his daddy. Yeah. I piss on his little glasses. Sure. That's the main thing. That's what I thought because I'm not nasty. You don't need to wear those little glasses. Because my mom's what I thought. Because I'm not nasty. You don't know who wears those little glasses. I don't remember that.

It started, it was after he was, it was when he was with the Cleveland Indians that this whole thing started. I was about 17, underage at the time, for sex, but it's not exactly a sex thing. Sex is part of it. So what is it actually? So we've determined that it's not oral sex. Right. It's not a dom-sub with Oral Hershiser.

It's purely a coincidence that I have that dom sub relationship with Oral Hershiser. And it's also purely a coincidence that I have a master's degree in broadcasting from Oral Roberts University. Yeah. I can tell. I didn't know you had that, but I can tell you had

that because of the enthusiasm with which you speak about the Lord. Yeah. And about my good friend Ted Cruz. Sure. Love that guy. I am the king of oral. Yeah. And the king of oral is a title bestowed upon the podcaster who most recently had oral surgery.

Oh, well, I don't know, Jesse. There's three other podcasters in this room. No. Wow. Did you even think to ask any of us if we've recently experienced oral surgery? Well, Jordan, why don't I start with you? Have you recently experienced oral surgery? No.

Why would I? Who do you think I am? I would never allow a doctor in my mouth. That's for my wife. What kind of? Brian, did you think that? Yeah, Brian did think that. No, I have not had oral surgery.

You know what the only kind of doctor I would allow in my mouth is? Dr. DeSoto. Who's that? The tiny mouse from the book Dr. DeSoto. Oh. He goes in a wolf's mouth. That's fun. Yeah.

I would only allow Dr. Scholl's in there. I love to chew on those. You've got foot and mouth disease, so you figure it's probably a good bet. Yeah, that's why farmers are going to shoot me later. Our guest on the podcast. The horse is good at that? Foot and mouth disease? Hoof and mouth?

Hoof and mouth. Hoof and mouth is different from hand, foot, and mouth. What's that? Hand, foot, and mouth is a disease that was going around to, God, what baseball team was everybody getting hand, foot, and mouth? It's like a baby disease. Oh. But hoof and mouth. That's what I have. That's what you have. It's like a baby disease. Oh. But hoof and mouth.

That's what I have. That's why a farmer's going to shoot. Well, you're beef cattle, we should explain. Right. You have many of the qualities of a man, such as the power of speech. Got these thumbs. Oh, thumb war. One, two, three, four.

Our guests on the program, and we'll find out if they've had oral surgery recently, are two of the hosts of the Smash Hit podcast, podcast colon, the ride, Jason Sheridan, Scott Gairdner. Hello. Hi. Thanks, guys. You know, I'm glad this came up because I'm I'm recovering from a tongue transplant that was earlier today. I'm still getting used to the thing. Wow. That is a monster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where'd you get that? A kiss cadaver? Yeah, yeah. Here, I'll unfurl it. Wow. Yeah, yeah. It's it's here. I'll bring it back up. OK, yeah, it goes almost all the way down to the waist, as you can see. Are you concerned that maybe it was the tongue of a serial killer and you'll start to inherit some of its qualities? Oh, the rest of it, yeah.

Well, you know, I kind of caught some of that phraseology on the form that I was signing pre-surgery, but I was flipping through. I was just anxious to get it done because I had to get here. But, yeah, I do recall in fine print something about serial killer, slow brain takeover. Do you find yourself overcome by the desire to find a 19th century London prostitute and then tongue her to death? I mean, it seems you saw the size of it. I haven't yet tried it, but it seems like it could, this tongue could wrap all the way around a neck. But then I might have to like grab the end and tighten it myself, pull it like a noose. I don't know.

I need to experiment and I guess go back to the 19th century if possible to give it a try. That was the plot of that one comic book, right? I don't know. I mean, it sounds like it would be the plot of a comic book. It should be. You know, it sounds like a Tales from the Crypt episode. There's a Frank Miller comic book, right, where the guy is in 19th century London and he's finding the prostitutes wrapping the tongue around and then tying it together. I don't know, man.

Jason, you're a comic. You're a comic book guy. This sounds— Are you thinking of Ronan? Yes. The samurai. This is Ronan. The soul of a samurai jumps 3,000 years to the future.

I am. And then there's that amazing car chase. Yes. Yeah. Okay. We're all on the same page. Yeah, we're all on the same page. Can I give – I want to – before we get into who has and hasn't had oral surgery recently.

Yeah. who has and hasn't had oral surgery recently. Yeah. I want to say something about Podcast the Ride really quick. Just so our, you know, in case for some reason our listeners don't listen, they kind of know kind of what it is and kind of who you guys are. I would expect there's maybe a lot of overlap in our audiences. Hopefully.

And overlap from you having appeared on it. Sure, sure. So a lot of fun with you. audiences. Hopefully. And overlap from you having appeared on it. Sure, sure. So we had a lot of fun with you. Great. Yeah. So you guys do, you guys do, it's a theme park podcast or maybe themed entertainment, I've heard you say. It's a little, you could frame it a little looser in that we do vaguely themed malls and that we considered seeing Mission Impossible in 4DX to be themed entertainment.

Yeah. We've like stretched the definite. Or if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles coming out of their shells tour counts. Because it's not a park. It's not a place you could go. But yeah, that would go in the entertainment buckets. It's technically something that happened 35 years ago. Very long time ago.

Sadly. If only. I wish they'd keep the tour up. I don't know why the turtles aren't. The headline on this podcast is, you guys Very long time ago. Sadly. If only, I wish they'd keep the tour up. I don't know why the turtles aren't. The headline on this podcast is you guys got a time machine. Yeah. That's the main thing.

Well, with the, with, I mean, with, I mean, we all have a time machine if you consider

camcorder footage uploaded to YouTube. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have constant time machines in our,

in our phones and on our televisions. So you guys, so it's a theme, theme parks are the, you know, yeah, yeah. We have constant time machines in our phones and on our televisions. So you guys – so it's a – theme parks are the base, the bread and butter. And in addition to doing – and I want people to know kind of how you guys come at this because I think it's really special. It's – so it's your – of course, Galaxy's Edge opened. You guys reviewed that. The new Jurassic Park ride opened opened you guys reviewed that the new jurassic park ride opened you guys reviewed that but also you do things like review parking structures and have a contest to see who has the best fake rocks yeah yes yeah yeah um yeah we sure do um which is i mean in a way all

of this is just diversion tactics because we're like afraid of hitting the biggest rides and then running out of topics like we keep people have been asking like when you do like space mountain we're like seven years from now we don't want to blast yeah we don't want to get through that we we got really uh delighted recently by uh talking about well father of the pride came up, the one-season short-lived DreamWorks show about Siegfried and Roy's tigers. They're tigers, right? And then you had already done that whole episode about – what was that called? Fish police? Oh, I was going to say capital critters.

There's a lot of fun one-season Simpsons knockoffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we branched out. We did McGruff's – a couple of McGruff's albums. Wait, when you say albums, LPs, like music records? At least one of them. I'm less, we had less time to cover number two, which was a Burger King tie-in. high end but i'm very i know that number one smart this mcgruff smart kids album was uh was a full 10 song lp how and i believe the second one was full length too yeah yeah yeah how would you

compare it to mr t's be somebody or be somebody's fool pretty similar that's a good pull in that like i think some of those songs are kind of good. That's like on the, I don't know, that's on the better end of, you know, like in weird hokey, don't do drugs music, the capacity for music to be sort of bad is very high. And some of that Mr. T stuff's all right. Can I tell you an important fact about that record? Do you know who wrote Mr. T's raps? Mr. T does a pretty good amount of rapping on the record. This is something that you guys might know.

I think you guys could pull this. Am I thinking this just because of the name similarity or is it Ice-T? It is Ice-T. Wow. Yes. Got it. All right. He wrote the verses for Mr. T on Mr. T's album, Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool. That's so bizarre.

Treat her right. Treat your mama right. Treat your mama right. There is no other. Yeah. Right? That's what rhymes with mother. The McGruff album is like, what we were blown away it ended up being a very long episode

because we were just going to play quick clips and then everyone came on and we were like, keep it on we need to get to the, let's hear the chorus again. If you're a younger millennial or a person or a member of Generation X or a person or whoever comes after millennial, McGruff

of course was a crime dog Oh yes, very much so. Notennial. McGruff, of course, was a crime dog. Oh, yes. Yeah. Very much so. Not unlike Fred McGruff, Blue Jay's first baseman. And you can still see, like, if you are anywhere near the Burbank City, not City Hall Police Department, there is like a little, in the entryway, there is a McGruff costume just kind of hanging out. Like a McGruff skin.

Like you can see it from the street. It's not stuffed and mounted. It's just draped. Yeah, it's just there. Artfully tazidermied. Our generation, we got a lot of our information from an animal that is not normally bipedal who is now bipedal and speaking. That is the only kind of thing we would listen to. A McGruff, a Smokey.

It cuts through the clutter. Yeah. You can't ignore it. And see the tiger. And sometimes those animals make a passion project with a song that's a real bop called Inhalance. Wow. This is about like not huffing, right? Yes.

Okay. Yeah. It would be awesome if it was like not huffing, right? Yes. Okay. Yeah. It would be awesome if it was pro-huffing. He's like, don't do blow, just sniff paint. It's just about his preferences. Listen, McGruff's got to have some fun too, you know? It's a tough job. Take a bite out of crime and a sniff out of airplane glue

uh so i i do i am very curious about the fallout from the from the episode where you discussed who had the best fake rocks were there people online who disagreed with your assessment as to who the best what the best theme park fake rocks were? I believe, yeah. I mean, people disagree about everything. You guys know that. You've had a podcast for decades now, right? Nothing we say is coherent enough to be disagreed with. That's our goal. I have an argument either way.

Keep it shifty is our motto. Sure. But I didn't sense, I think people were happy with where it landed. Should we say where it landed? But I didn't sense – I think people were happy with where it landed. Should we say where it landed? I mean, I'll say that the final two were Big Thunder Mountain and Radiator Springs, a.k.a. the Cars ride and Cars Land. And I think both solid choices.

I don't want to say. I don't want to give it all away. But, you know, people were definitely pointing us to rocks that we missed, that we neglected. Yeah, but it was a March Madness style, like a 16 team bracket, you know. So we had to eliminate. It was not of sport teams, but of fake rocks. Of fake rocks. Yeah, fake rocks. And, you know, it just wasn't some people's year.

You know, it wasn't some rock's year. And sometimes the pairing was not beneficial. Like there were rocks that should have advanced maybe further along, but just they had a tough early seed. So, you know, RIP, something big got knocked out early on. Better luck next year, floating rocks from Avatar World. I mean, my first thought is that boulder from that Indiana Jones ride. From Avatar World? I mean, my first thought is that boulder from that Indiana Jones ride. We had the discussion of does that count, and we ultimately made it an outdoor fake rock specifically.

There's got to be rules. Yeah. If I remember correctly, you also knocked out something that you learned later was a fake piece of petrified wood. It's not a fake rock. It was a fake piece of petrified wood. It's not a fake rock. In Star Wars Galaxy's Edge, the spires of Black Spire Outpost, the large things jutting out of the ground, are petrified wood. Which from what I have read – They're petrified wood or they're fake petrified wood?

They're fake petrified wood. In story, they're petrified wood. Right. And it seemed like there was discussion online. Now I am not a scientist or very smart. You're wearing glasses. I am wearing glasses. And a lab coat.

That's just my going out. You're going clubbing later. We were debating. That one I think got lost points because we hadn't seen it yet. It hadn't opened at the time. But there was a discussion of is petrified wood, is that technically a rock? Yeah, I think that's a rock. I threw it out.

I was just because this was a tough thing. We had a lot of seeds to get through. And I'm like, I don't want no fake petrified trees in my fake rock competition. Is a fossil a rock? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. That's made out of dinosaurs, buddy.

Fossil isn't a rock. It's something that the devil put there to trick our faith. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. That's made out of dinosaurs, buddy. Fossil isn't a rock. It's something that the devil put there to trick our faith. Yeah, sure. To confuse timelines. I learned that in my broadcasting program. As a king of oral, you would know. Weirdly, it's an MFA that I have. And this is weird because I learned it while pegging Oral Hersh.

The world's only 2, 2000 years old, he screamed. was due to like all of our favorite rides involve uh fake depictions of rocks and how much more we care about them than real beautiful landmarks across this country like mike admitted he's never been to the grand canyon uh i've been but i've not nearly as many times as radiator springs i think i just respect the art that goes into the man being bold enough to play God and recreate his work. How bold. With resin? Sure. I mean, I'm impressed.

They do good work. Jesse, what's this oral surgery we've been hearing so much about? I had an oral surgery. Who's been in that mouth? surgery we've been hearing so much about. I had an oral surgery. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be here because you never know how long it's going to take to finish up the healing process, particularly because when you get oral surgery, this was just a dental implant, but when you get oral surgery, they will not tell you. I worked over the staff of Symphony Dental to here in Koreatown in Los Angeles the awesome area was TOO the cute way like Chili's too yeah oh you went to a dental uh you went to a

dentist's office at an airport yeah um I work them over so many times trying to find I'm like trying to explain. No, I talk for a living. So how swollen for how long will it be swollen? Like, when can I? But I have recovered the main distressing part about this. I think I talked about this when when I got the tooth knocked out. So I had a I had a baby tooth that had no grown-up tooth underneath it. Oh.

It had finally worn down almost to, like, my gum line. And the dentist was like, you're going to have to remove this. We should just take this out and put an implant in there. I was like, I don't know. Look, I'm no dentist. Sure. I just agreed. But what's crazy about it is, I don't know if you guys have ever had, like, significant dental work done.

It's not that it hurts. Like, you think it's going to hurt really bad because people are always talking about how much it hurts to go to the dentist. But getting, like, a cavity filled or something is more uncomfortable than getting a tooth knocked out. It's just that they, like, anesthetize it locally. And then they basically just, like, go at your face with hammers. Yeah. But like you can hear it inside your skull. It's being aware of one's bones.

I do not like being aware of my bones. That is so upsetting. Because, I mean, it's kind of frightening to think there's a scary skeleton inside all of us. Sure. I don't like thinking about that. Deep down. What's he doing in there? We all have inside all of us. Sure. I don't like thinking about that. Deep down. What's he doing in there?

We all have monsters inside of us. Right. Yes. And my dentist is like a very handsome and extremely soft-spoken Korean man. So English is his second language, but his English is pretty good. But he speaks very quietly and doesn't always, like, finish a sentence. And when he's doing things, he counts. But he doesn't explain why he's counting.

Like a numbers station? Yes. Like an ancient mid-century numbers station? It's possible that he's sending all our spies overseas important messages over the shortwave. But he'll just be in my mouth and he'll just be like, okay, now it's time for the water. Two, three, four, five. Whiskey, tango, foxtrot. Yes. And like when the water specifically was very upsetting because he told me that the water was coming several times. The water was clearly some kind of bone saw that also incorporated water.

A water brand bone saw. The finest bone saw. Money can buy. Of course from founder James P. Water. Like if you're going to dig a hole in my jaw in which to place a false tooth, you're going to need to wash away the sediment that you create by scraping at my jawbone. But like and so you'll need a water jet. But I'm like I can hear it inside my head going, which is not the sound of a water jet. You can't pull a fast one on the ear. Just because I'm anesthetized doesn't mean I'm stupid.

It's local anesthetic. I know what both splishing and splashing sound like. This is neither. My experience with dental surgery, when I was in college, I got my wisdom teeth out. Around the age I think most people do, but I hadn't really had it done before. And I think the unnerving sensation to me was just how long your mouth is open. Like at a certain point, your brain is going like, close your – why haven't you – something's wrong. No food has gone in.

No food. It's dry. Like what's going – and then, yeah, they – I was – they did a local anesthetic, and I could see him pulling, but it felt like he was pushing, and then just the mass of teeth would come out. But my recovery was off. I developed bone spurs. Oh, no. Just little pieces of bone were coming out of the gut. And, like, I had to tell them.

And they're like, oh, yeah, that's not supposed to happen. You got to come back in. Oh, jeez. And thankfully, they didn't need to do it. They just gave me, like, a mouth rinse that I had to use for, like, two months afterwards. So, like, eventually these small chunks of bone just worked their way out of my gums. But it was incredibly painful for

weeks. That's horrible. You started to like the taste of bone spurs. Yeah, yeah. I prefer the bone spurs to the sores, to the numerous sores. If you like the taste of bone spurs, that's actually what Lowry's seasoning salted. That's why it's good on everything. I love it.

I'm a Lowry's VIP member. They send me one on my birthday. It's delicious. That's why it's good on everything. I'm a Lowry's VIP member. They send me one on my birthday. Delicious. Hopefully obtained ethically. Oh, yes. Locally sourced bone spurs. Not stolen without permission. The most significant part to me

was, well, there was two things. One was at one point I was scolded for having my mouth too open. Okay. Which seems, and his scoldings are just as gentle as everything else, he says. So he just goes like, he'll just be doing the water and going two, three, four, five. And then he'll say, Jesse, too open, little close, six, seven, eight, nine. I just don't want to bite the bone close. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. What?

How? I just don't want to bite the bone saw. Yeah. And then there was another part where he just, he had, there was two dental hygienists there. And he said to one of them, like, Jenny, hold face. And I was like, what? And she had to put her hand on one side of my face so he could bang at my face going in that direction. And I just didn't know how much, like, am I supposed to, like, give, like, the ocean?

Or am I supposed to be providing the resistance resistance the lateral resistance as he's going like basically everything everything that he seemed to be doing inside my head i imagined as being one of those like uh one of those like uh mechanical jacks from a cartoon where you put it in between two things and then you pump on something and it goes, as the thing spreads further and further out by a scissor mechanism. Like everything they were doing seemed to be that. Your face was five feet long at a certain point. Yeah. Does your dentist have anything in the roof of the room? Is there a TV up there?

No, it's quiet as a church mouse up there there is on the wall a big screen tv that is always playing hg tv with no sound okay which is very very weird it's not a beautiful channel i used to go to a dentist that had a television directly in the ceiling so when you were lying back you could watch. But now I go to a dentist that just has an illuminated picture of the beach. Yeah. Like a tropical island. So I guess they're like, oh, you can think of the Bahamas while something unpleasant is happening. Is it one of those ones that has like a wheel that's like semi-translucent? There's like a wheel behind it that makes it look like the water is flowing. It's illuminated behind it, but it's stationed. Like nothing is moving.

It's motionless. Yeah, it's motionless. It's just glowing. Not like a clock from a fern bar in the 70s. That's kind of what I'm thinking of. No, I wish. I've had one of my wisdom teeth taken out. And it was on Halloween a couple of years ago.

And so I had to go to not my regular dentist it had gotten pretty pretty pretty uh you had to go to a spooky dentist right exactly yeah uh so i had to find a guy who was working in his lab late one night it turned out to be pretty fun um so yeah i had yeah, I had to go to like another dentist. And, you know, I got pretty heavily gassed for the affair, which was kind of fun. And I did not feel the effects. I didn't feel anything from the gas immediately. But, you know, my dentist was just a very calm dentist-like man. You know, he did not seem to be mumbling any secret codes.

Did he have prominent cheekbones and radiant skin? Those are my dentist's two top qualities. No, sounds great. Prominent cheekbones and just glowing skin. Gorgeous skin. This is a standard dad dumpus. Got it. Standard dumpus. That's spooky.

And he was like, so any plans for Halloween. And he was like, so many plans for Halloween. And I'm like, eh, eh, eh. Eh, eh. It's like, oh, wow. That means I'm hoping

to fuck a Dracula. Sure, yeah. Well, and my mouth will be filled with gauze tonight, so it kind of limits my party activities. You're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Right, yeah, exactly. Make a good mummy. Right, yeah, exactly. Make a good mummy. Oh, yeah. Just extend the gauze out from my mouth around my body. The dentist gave you a costume. Man, fuck. I really wasted that opportunity. Blue Halloween.

Anyway, so any plans for Halloween tonight? He's like, okay. Well, tonight my wife and I will be going to a party dressed as members of KISS. And then my reaction was, get your fucking hands out of my mouth.

I just wanted this guy away from me so bad for some reason. Yeah, you want like a Rush guy. Yeah, you want a Rush dentist. Somebody who appreciates

technical mastery. Yeah. You know, the last thing you want is pyrotechnics. All razzle dazzle and no content. Too ham-fisted music of Kissed. Yeah, exactly. You need a 12-string soloist.

Yeah. Pat Metheny dentist. That's what we need. I want odd time signatures and songs about space dogs. Steve Vai or nothing. Did he say which two? You know, he didn't. Steve Vai or nothing. Did he say which two? You know, he didn't. I should have asked.

That's going to keep me up tonight, whether he was the demon or the star child or what. It would be awesome if it was just, like, whatever the two that aren't Gene Simmons or Paul Stanley, but from the period where they didn't wear makeup. Yes.

Much easier. This one's just holding drumsticks. That's how you can tell he's that guy. I'm a lick it up era Peter Criss. My wife and I are going as long haired Jews. Gets without the makeup. So this is actually something I wanted to, I have a topic I'd like to bring up. Oh, good, Jordan. And it's about –

Hold on. Did you know that we were doing Jordan, Jessica? Oh, yeah, sure. Here's some stuff that sounds kind of similar. Anyway, eating ass. So that's the show. So that's the show. So this is about kind of using the power of the podcast.

And I don't want to get too inside baseball here, but everybody in here has a podcast, and certainly everybody listening has a podcast. So I think it's a safe thing to talk about. Or has an idea for one that they want to start that they talk about when they're drunk. The whole audience of our show, by the way, is Roman Mars and Helen Zaltzman. And that's it. The end. Hey, guys. It's good to know, to direct our thoughts.

See you later. We'll probably see both of them later. Yeah. And this is something that I think you guys have done in a quite impressive way is that kind of, you know, and I think something that comes up on podcasts a lot of people like, hey, if you're listening to this, like, you know, get us sponsored by MeUndies, you know, get me a part in this movie. It's kind of a podcast running joke that, you know, stuff for me. Yeah, exactly. Hey, audience, pick up my dry cleaning. Sure. Yeah. Perform acts for the devil. Well, that's for the devil.

Yeah. And his glorious dark reign. Wait, is this a dog act? I should have been more specific. The devil's bored. He wants to see a dog go on a seesaw. This is just one of those human calculator things. But I think you guys have used your fan base

and theme park knowledge to actually it seems like you are now actually kind of part of the theme park press. Like you guys get to go to stuff right? Like you went to a Knott's Berry Farm grand opening right? Yeah man the dream. We walked into Knott's Berry Farm grand opening, right? Yeah. Yeah. Man, the dream. We walked into Knott's Berry Farm.

We were escorted by Knott's ghost town folk, I guess. I don't know who we had, if it was a blacksmith or a tomb maker. I think we saw every resident of the town. Yeah, they were all out. Yes. Yeah, all 13 residents of the town were all out. We're all out. Yes.

Yeah. All 13 residents of the town, we're all out. But we were led into a closed off area of the park with just big plates full of fried chicken and pie. Incredible. Wow. Like this is what we, I think, and free alcohol, free beer and wine too. So to be, that's really what the whole thing was all about. Beer and wine only, huh? No liquor?

No liquor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you, Knott's. I went to a wedding at Knott's Berry Farm once. Really? That was catered by Knott's Berry Farm with their famous fried chicken that I had never heard of in my life. This is the second time it's been mentioned in the history of my life. And so if you grew up in SoCal, it's a little more likely.

How about you? Yeah, so we definitely like knots was a summertime thing that we would do. And when I was feeling brave, not scary farm. Oh, sure. You have the two not brave ones with this. Yeah, we were there doing interviews for most of the day. And then Scott and I went through the one haunted house and we were like, well, we've had enough.

You're too scared. And very tired because we had been there for hours. So we used that opportunity to bail. Yeah, once you see Ghost Snoopy once, it's going to haunt your dreams forever. Yeah, all the Peanuts characters, the only thing they have the license to.

They cannot get Freddy. Jason's at Universal so they just have to have a dead Schroeder. A rabid Snoopy. Right, yeah. Was Snoopy involved in the wedding? No, Snoop wasn't there. It was a totally regular wedding that might as well have been taking place at a Marriott in Anaheim, except for the fact that there was the famous fried chicken.

Sure. And there was also at least one guest who was wondering, huh, biggest day of your life, huh? Knott's Berry Farm. Not even Disneyland or whatever. Should it have some significance to them? Did they seal their love with a kiss on Montezuma's Revenge? No, I think they were nice people with no interests.

My wife went to law school and among the people that my wife went to law school with were many evil people who aspired to be evil lawyers. And then there were nice people who were bright and had gone to law school because they had no interests. And I think these were among those people. I don't know that that speaks for the bulk of people who go to law school or just the ones who went to my wife's law school. But those were the two main categories. People who were genuinely evil. People who were good folks who just did it. They're just like, I don't know. I guess I'll go to law school and then I'll be a lawyer.

Seems like something. I'll probably get law school and then I'll be a lawyer. Seems like something. I'll probably get myself an Acura. Down the line, I'll get married at Knott's Berry Farm. Exactly. God willing. If everything goes correctly. They got that fried chicken, so that's nice. They have a chapel.

They've always had a chapel. They got the jam, jams and jellies. Do they have a chapel? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Our friend and yours, Ryan Perez, his parents got married at the Knott's Berry Farm Chapel. Okay. Does it have a denomination?

It's Methodist. You just have to like fried chicken. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, we don't care about. Just do you enjoy the consumption of fried chicken? Church of God and Christ. Oh, but the – so yeah, in addition to having the fried chicken when we went as like a family, I think there was a little chain for a while of Knott's' fried chicken places.

Really? Yeah, I think so. I don't think it lasted long, but I can remember going to some Knott's fried chicken dinners at Knott's Berry Farm. Oh, interesting. And yeah, I think the whole thing was kind of down home and you could buy the jelly there. Sure. Yeah, yeah. It still feels very like hometown markets.

They've now made it sort of like a, it has kind of a cooler gastropub vibe. Ooh, that's nice. Get yourself a Moscow mule. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Put the chicken in there. And still like to pull up to a bar and get like a boysenberry beer in a piece of pie. Oh, yeah. Put the chicken in there. And still, like, to pull up to a bar and get, like, a boysenberry beer and a piece of pie. Oh, wow.

Which I did with my wife not long ago. We, like, went to just the bar at the Knott's Famous Chicken Dinner restaurant, which was a blast. A great way to spend the afternoon. Yep, yep. What is the best? Because the last time I went to Disneyland, maybe two years ago, the thing that, and I'm not a theme park guy because I don't like fast rides. They're scary to me. Fair.

And I don't like giant crowds of people. They're scary to me. Fair. That leaves me out of all theme parks. How do you feel about fake rocks? Now this I like. Yeah. This I like.

This I like. Yeah. This I like. But the thing that upset me about Disneyland was we had done a bunch of work ahead of time to try and figure out how do you do Disneyland better. You know what I mean? Because obviously we know a lot of people who love Disneyland because we live in Southern California and we are dorks who are friends with dorks. So we know Disneyland people.

It has a lot of people. The thing that upset me the most was the extent to which every food there was terrible. And I kind of felt like if I can get decent food at a hockey game in 2019, how is it that Disney, which is so good at every other part of this, like every other thing is like breathtaking breathtakingly extraordinary. You know, see the pictures of Galaxy's Edge and they've got real spaceships or whatever. You can actually

go to the moon. Yeah. You know what? That generalization I would have agreed with a couple years ago. I think they are rounding the corner very quickly. I mean, Jason, you could probably speak to, but Jason really the snack expert.

But in Galaxy's Edge, I think immediately one of the great Disneyland foods, the Ronto Roaster, what is the name of it? Oh, yeah, that's it, a Ronto Roaster. Oh, it is a Ronto Roaster, or you call it a Space Hot Dog. Yeah, I call it a Space Hot Dog. Which I prefer. That's the people's name. The Space Hot Dog is fantastic, I think.

There's this thing, the Tropical Hideaway, where you can get little bows and dip them in sauce. Those are good. There's a good shish kebab place. What's going on? Food. The downtown Disney area. Yeah, they're kind of redoing a lot of that. I mean, I've always liked the go-to traditional things that are there

there is good fried chicken at the end of main street and then there's the corn dogs there's a little truck there's a little little car that they they do corn dogs out of future full episode the corn dog no that's not a space hot dog though that's a no that's hiding hot dog that's a good old days dog. A shy hot dog. But we may have partially Instagram to thank for this because they've upped their food game so people will take pictures of it. Right. But a lot of it, yeah Florida, which has a lot of like nice restaurants. But if you want something quick, it's going to be burgers and hot dogs and pizza. And yeah, really stiff chicken fingers.

Yeah, really stiff. That's my generalization of theme park food. Yeah. But Disneyland has always been a little better, but certainly in the last few years, there's a lot more variety. I feel like people wanted – people on Facebook were telling us – because Teresa's – my wife Teresa hosts a podcast called One Bad Mother about parenting. And you'll be shocked to learn that parenting podcast listeners have strong feelings about the food at Disneyland. I see. I see. But anyway, a bunch of people are like, you should go to the Pizza Planet from –

I don't know that you should. I think it's worse than Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, yeah. It is truly excreble. We went there, and it was a mistake to have done so. And the most overpriced possible for an increasingly shrinking pizza. That said, guys, I do enjoy a nice Dole Whip. Nothing wrong with a Dole Whip. You know, people tell you about their Dole Whip. It is nice. It's a10 for him. I do enjoy a nice Dole Whip. Nothing wrong with the Dole Whip.

You know, people tell you about their Dole Whip. It is nice. It's a very nice dessert. And they've expanded the selection now in this tropical hideaway area. It's not just the whips. Yeah, well, there's different flavors. You can do an orange. You can do a raspberry.

And you can get talked at by an animatronic bird named Rosita. Wow. animatronic bird named Rosita. Wow. And look at some oars that have significance to a greater- Shared universe. Shared universe of different characters who you barely see physically in the park. They're exclusive to the theme park. This is something that I really liked learning about listening to your podcast,

is that there is a Disneyland story continuity that has never appeared in a movie or anything. No, no. It's called Sea, the Society of Explorers Adventurers, and it's a continuity that ties together the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, the Jungle Cruise, the Adventurers Club, the Long Gone Adventurers Club in Florida. What else? There's a Adventurers Club in Florida. What else? There's a Tower of Terror in Japan. There's a Tower of Terror in Japan. Men's Bathroom on Main Street. The Men's Bathroom.

The Toity. Soarin' in Japan, which has its own original character not present. A water slide in Typhoon Lagoon in Florida. It's an IP that involves just a water slide and some random restaurant. Yeah. It's really strange. A children's play area on a cruise ship. Now, there's an old man wandering around Detroit.

Yeah, right. Now, there is a Jungle Cruise movie coming, and I think they are. A Yaris parked in the Chippendale lot. coming and I think they are parked in the Chippendale lot three Nissan jukes the actual bones of Carl Sagan they bought them

he's part of C a dog named Junior and of course the entire cast of Tailspin so they are making a movie out of sea? So there's a Jungle Cruise movie coming. Oh, yeah. And it seems like the rumors are there will be like little – It will be the first on-screen acknowledgment.

There might be some acknowledgment or some sort of stuff coming. No way. The rock fans are going to lose their shit. They're going to lose their minds. And I just – they're doing like test screen and they're doing the like, hey, do you want to come see a free movie? Not out yet. They've started doing that for the Jungle Cruise. So if anyone is going to one of those Jungle Cruise ones, please, please break your NDA.

Look out for sea logos. This is worth going to jail over. That's what the consequence is for breaking an NDA for advanced screening, right? Jail? For Disney, maybe. Federal prison. We love it. It could be.

Yeah, yeah. They don't fuck around. Okay, we'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, fucking episode. There's Samuel L. Jackson. Of Jordan, Jesse. Hold on to your butt because I'm about to get into this. Whoa, butt? Come on, man. Whoa, what? Every single...

Whoa. Jordan. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Did you like when we did the perform that Steve Reich orchestral piece originally written for the Kronos Quartet? You know what? No.

Okay. I didn't. Okay. I didn't like it. Every single Jordan Jesse Go is brought to you by all the members of MaximumFun.org. Go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. God bless each and every single one of you. slash donate.

God bless each and every single one of you. This week, we also have two, two supporters to mention. First of all, our friends at ZipRecruiter. Now, Jordan. Yes. You know that I'm a small business owner. I know that about you. The website. It's a fact.

I'm on the website MaximumFun.org. Mm-hmm. Along with my wife, Teresa, Community Property State. Sure. One of the hardest parts about being a job owner, it's got to be hiring. Hiring. Finding qualified candidates. Firing, that's easy.

You just go, you're out of here. Yeah. But hiring, where are you going to find these people? I usually- The street? If I'm firing somebody, I do that thing where you put a bucket full of confetti on a slightly open door. Right. And it's got a rope attached to the bottom so that when they open the door, it turns upside down.

Yeah. And then the confetti falls on them. With a bucket, too. Sorry. It really hurt. Did I say, specifically when I'm firing Rip Taylor. Right. That's fun.

He's like, I usually do this. Yeah. Am I dead? Turn the tables on you, maybe dead celebrity. Maybe dead. Yeah. Hey, if you're having a hard time finding someone to fill a position, zip recruiters in your job.

You have the top left square on Hollywood squares in the 70s. I need a delightful confetti man with a mustache. Rip Taylor might be dead. Zip recruiters send your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. No, sir. They use their powerful matching technology to scan thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply for your job. Jordan, you know when that powerful matching technology might be at its most useful? Hmm.

When you're hiring somebody to play Go Fish. Right. Exactly. If you need a Go Fish partner. Yeah. Can you bring that technology with you? Yeah. We need to find these matches.

Yeah. ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. Right now, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ go. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ go. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

Smartest way to fire? Bucket on the door. Bucket of confetti. Yeah. The bucket will hurt. Yeah. Rip Taylor might be dead. No, the bucket's attached to a rope.

The bucket's not going to fall on him. He's not dead. Not dead. Brian informed us he's not dead. Congratulations to Rip Taylor on his retirement and his continuing life. And if you're ever eating at Nick's Coffee Shop there on Pico, check out the Rip Taylor headshot they got on the wall. Signed and everything.

Sign it right there. Right there on Pico. That's here in Los Angeles, California? Sure. Where's that? Down by the Glendale Galleria? It's like Pico in La Cienega. Okay. Like Pico in La Cienega. Where's that relative to the Glendale Galleria? Because that's sort of my thing. 25 minutes? Okay. Like Pico and Lasianega. Where's that relative to the Glendale Galleria? Because that's sort of my thing.

25 minutes. Okay. Anyway. I do it. I just use a navigation app. That's a good way to find it. Yeah. Hey, Jordan, just to go.

Could I just navigate straight to the headshot? Or do I have to put in the name of the coffee shop? I already forgot the name of the coffee shop. So I'll just put in Rip Taylor Headshot. Yeah, just put in Rip Taylor Headshot. Yeah, just put in Rip Taylor Headshot. Google Maps should take you right there. Okay, cool. Jordan and Jessica, we're also sponsored in part by Dashlane. It is a password management app that keeps all your online information safe, secure, encrypted, and easy to access.

You can't remember the special characters and all that other crap they make you put into passwords these days just so someone doesn't steal your identity and all your money and wipe your life clean? Well, good news. Dashlane can remember that crap on your behalf. It's a robot that lives inside your computer that helps it work better. It seamlessly autofills all your login information, syncing automatically across your computer, phone, and tablet. It even stores payment details. Yeah, just go ahead and get weird with your password. You can make it any gosh darn thing.

Yeah, or, as it says here, let Dashlane generate a real stumper for you. Okay. It'll keep it safely stored in a password vault only you can unlock. Bad news, Jordan. What? I already got a stum. Bad news, Jordan. What? I already got a stuffer. Oh, bud. Well, just say 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers.

Okay. Hey, if you want to try out Dashlane, you go to dashlane.com slash JJGO and you get it free on your first device as a special offer for our fans. They're offering a 30-day free trial of Dashlane Premium, including VPN, dark web monitoring, and more. If you like it, use the code JJGO at checkout to save 10% on your premium subscription.

That's Dashlane.com slash JJGO. Offer code JJGO at checkout to save 10% on your premium subscription. And, Jordan, summer is coming to a close, but Summer Boy is a state of mind. You can get your Summer Boy gear. That means Summer Boy posters. That means Summer Boy beach balls. That means Summer Boy challenge coins, premium challenge coins, online right now at maxfundstore.com

That's maxfundstore.com That's the place to hit up for all your summer boy shit. Yeah! Get in here! The other day I was hanging out with some my buddies down at the firehouse. Sure, yeah. Firemen? Yeah. Okay.

And a few fire ladies. What were you guys talking about? We were just talking about our special spaghetti sauce recipe. Sure, yeah. That's what us firepersons and other emergency first responders like to talk about. Substandwiches. Yeah, and just grisly stumps we've seen. Sure.

I told them I already had a full stump. A real stump purse. Anyway, I'm talking to these firemans and firewomen, and one of them says, hey, Jesse, coin check. Whips out a gorgeous fire coin that says they're a firefighter or a fire lady. But then you whipped out your Jordan Jesse Go coin and didn't have to buy anyone any drinks. Nope.

You know who did? Bronson Pinchot from Perfect Strangers. He was hanging out with us. He didn't have any fucking coins. Well, don't be like Bronson. I do be like Bronson because he's on the new season of Lodge 49. I like that show a lot. And he was-

Good that he's working. Just had a couple scenes, but he was great in them. Really good. He was really funny. So do that, but you got to get one of these coins or else how are you going to hang out at the firehouse? If you want to hang out at the firehouse or put a poster on your wall or bounce around a JJ Go Beach Ball, head over to maxfunstore.com. Get yourself some Summer Boy merch. And if you're making a red sauce, don't be afraid to put a little bit of sugar in at the end.

Sure, yeah. There's nothing wrong with putting a little sugar in your red sauce. Don't feel like. Nice. Obviously, sure, you want to slow cook those onions and everything. But put in a little sugar at the end. It'll make it nice. Make it nice.

Give it a little kick. Sure. Give it a little kick. Like you would put in salt. Not a huge amount. Just a little bit. To taste. Yeah, to taste.

Sure. That's a good point. MaxFunStore.com. To taste. Be back in just a second on Jordan Isco. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love. TwoTaste. Be back in just a second on Jordan Isco. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, the King of Oral. Jordan Morris, Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the King of Oral. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Gardner, the King of Eating Pussy, but that's not what you think. It's a different definition. You eat cats? That's genuinely fucked up. Yeah, yeah. Well, this new tongue of mine.

Is it Alf's tongue? Are you giving Alf's tongue? The serial killer. Alf is a serial killer? Yeah. I believe the form said Gordon Shumway. That can be. No, yeah, that was his name on Mel Mac, so I could see how you would be a little. Oh, okay, okay.

I thought it wrong. Okay, okay. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, you cats. Would you like to introduce yourself? Oh, sure. Jason Sheridan, Duke of Bowenspurs. Sure. Oh, sure. Jason Sheridan, Duke of Bowenspurs?

Sure. Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Spurs. Spurs. Oh, the thing I was going to call to action our audience when I brought up the thing Oh, that we tell them to do stuff?

Yeah. Long story short, there's a podcast series going on at The Grove. The Grove has a podcasting stage now. Oh, unofficial. The Grove, of course, the oft-mentioned outdoor mall experience. Yes. Near my house. They have live podcasting.

We have not been invited despite constantly mentioning The Grove on this show. Yes. Near my house. Uh-huh. They have live podcasting. We have not been invited despite constantly mentioning the Grove on this show. Yeah. And I think it's a mistake. Maybe we should switch to talking about the Glendale Galleria. Maybe we will, the Grove. Maybe we will start talking about the Americana at Brand. I think that's owned by the same people that own the Grove, though. Well, this threat means less. Then. They might have different general managers or something. There could be some mild change in the corporate structure. Anyway. I think they could get you over there.

I think they could. Anyway, something called Wine Face is performing. I think that should be Jordan, Jesse, Go. Wine Face. Wine Face has got the spot, but they don't give it to us. We've been around. We've almost done 600 fucking episodes. I'm pretty sure Wine Face is like one of those alt-rock DJ bands that are like a shitty Beck.

Oh, yeah. Hey, if you're out there. We got your number. Play an acoustic guitar over Ranchero beats. People don't want to see you at the Grove. They want to see us. I'm not impressed by your spin profile. They don't want to see you at the Grove. They want to see us. I'm not impressed by your spin profile. They don't want Ranchero beets.

They want Ranchero eggs. Wineface definitely sounds like a troupe of L.A. clowns where someone, if you live in L.A., it's like, look, I know it's clowns, but you got to see these clowns. It's like, please, please stop telling me about clowning. Please. God damn it. Anyway, our, please stop telling me about clowning. Please. God damn it. Anyway, our 600th episode is coming up.

I think we should pressure the Grove into letting us do our 600th episode there. Yeah, we're willing to do a clown thing. Sure.

We'll crump too. Sure, we'll crump, clown. You know, don't do any crumping. We'll do it if we need to. We'll show you how to dougie.

We'll ghost ride the whip. I'll set my Prius loose in that outdoor mall and we'll dance around it and we'll probably kill a few people. Yeah, anybody out there ever ghost rid a fucking Volvo station wagon? I'm ready to do it. We'll do it. I got one locked and loaded. Anyway, we got calls. In the parking garage right now, assholes.

Tell the Grove you want us there. Dancing around our car and killing people. And you know what? Barney's is going out of business. Why not give us that Barney's real estate? Yeah, let us perform in an abandoned Barney's. Probably going to become a Halloween store briefly. Dusty's Citizens of Humanity blue jeans.

Yeah. Our first live show was in an abandoned sports authority. And it was the honor of our lives. Yeah. It was a Halloween store as soon as we left. More podcasts in abandoned buildings. Yes. Well, our malls are decaying all over the country.

There's the discussion of what do we fill them with? Podcasts. I don't know if you guys have been to Elizabeth Warren's website, but she's got a plan for that. Oh, okay. My girl, Lizzie Dubs,

is all over it. She's got a whole white paper about putting podcasts into our nation's crumbling retail infrastructure. Keep the Orange Julius machines. We'll make the Juliuses and provide the entertainment. You know what?

I'll wear a fucking hot dog on a stick outfit. I'm not too big of a man. I mean, physically, I'm too big. You're going to have to give me a tall, husky fellow's hot dog on a stick outfit. Or split it up. Make it a shirt and pants and not one unitard-like item. But I'll do that thing where you pump it up and down like you're cranking a gong. I don't care.

Show some midriff. That's what the people want. Yeah, I'll show a little bit. Bear chest in there. I'll show a little bit of the old Tummers. And hey, with all that empty retail space, you can give the promotional code for the mattress and then say, there's the mattress.

Go check out the mattress. They look pretty nice. Well, you came all this way. You got the code. Right. Enter offer code JJGO at spencersgifts.com to receive free penis pasta and a poster of a Porsche. Penis pasta, poster of a Porsche, penis pasta, poster of a Porsche. Poster of a Porsche.

The new warm-up. Porsche, Porsche, Porsche. We got some phone calls. Yeah. We got some phone calls. Yeah. You know, guys, when something momentous happens to one of our loyal listeners, the Tuppies, we ask them to call us at 206-9844-FUN or email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. The reason being that we'd like to share them with the rest of our audience and, of course, with our beloved guests on our segment, Momentous Occasions, which, of course, is part of the hit podcast.

Jordan, Jesse, go. Coming soon to the podcast stage at the Glendale Galleria. You're out, wine face. Let's take a call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, wonderful guest, Sonny D, Peggy in Los Angeles. Driving today, I was a passenger in my husband's car on the 101, and we saw some smoke. I noticed where the smoke was. It was by a hotel, an Extended Stay America, and I called the Extended Stay America.

I told them there was smoke by their hotel, and on our way back from our quick coffee breakfast, the fire engines were at the hotel. So I stopped a brush fire today in Los Angeles. It was awesome. Love you guys. Thanks. Congratulations. That may have been the brush just trying to consume the Extended Stay America.

Right. Out of pure contempt for business travelers and recently divorced dads. Yeah, but I mean, you know, maybe that was just nature, you know? Maybe nature was, you know, weeding out just nature, you know, maybe nature was, you know, weeding out the extended stays so it could flourish in other ways. You know, the last time I was in Central America, I was bushwhacking my way through the jungle.

And what did I find when I peeled back the vines? What was left of an extended stay America? Sure. Could you uncover, you know, could you scrape together a continental breakfast out of the rubble? All that was left was a microwave and a hot plate. Sure. Life finds a way. Life finds a way. Nature is

really trying to extend its stay on our Earth. By killing humans. Specifically business travelers. Business travelers. Divorced dads. Yeah. Your stay is a risk.

Probably certain government contractors, one would imagine. People who have missed a plane. Yeah, sure. Or maybe the airline was overbooked and had to put people up somewhere. Fantastic hookup scenarios. The sexiest hookups. You can do a very sexy hookup at an extended stay.

Nothing makes me hornier than a fucking Keurig. A K-cup gets me so hard. What you do is, you know, when you're making love to your lover at an extended stay, and hopefully the stay is not the only thing that's extended. Hopefully your penis

is extended. Hopefully your penis has been extended. Or vagina. Or other. Yeah. A long, luxurious vagina. Like a fucking ski jump, dude.

Thick, girthy. You have to extend, I guess, the space in the vagina to allow Sure. What is this, the Salt Lake City Olympics? You say to yourself as you sluice down that vagina. Sure.

What is this, is this Nagano? What do you do? You whisper to your lover, after this, let's get a tiny box of frosted flakes they're free they have a little store

where you can buy toothbrushes and a Toblerone it's like a mini bar but it's a little store now let's luge baby now let's luge pretend it's Nagano story you have to go to. Now let's luge, baby. Now let's luge. Pretend it's Nagano. Very sexy extended stays.

Are they sexier than the Red Roof Inn, would you say? I would say... What's the sexiest? La Quinta is obviously the sexiest. Oh, yeah. But I think that's... La Quinta. It's so obvious that La Quinta is the sexiest, I think we should exclude it from the conversation. This is the kind of choice we faced in the fake rock Final Four. Right.

These are tough. These are difficult. Now you're seeing. Sexiest mid-range hotels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This could be a Final Four for yourselves. Courtyard by Marriott, I think, is a boner killer. Like a total, like, the most flaccid penises and driest vajays are all in the courtyard by Mary.

At the courtyard? No. But when you're staying at the Doubletrees, you're going to see the Doubletees. That's their famous spot. And the cookies. And they got rid of the cookies. Oh, okay. I was worried.

I was worried about the cookies. The cookies are gone, actually. Warm cookies and fancy jugs. Two big tits. Today we're announcing we are discontinuing the cookies and increasing the number of big naturals we will have at our establishment. You guys ever stay at a Hilton, though?

What's nice about a Hilton is just the fat pendulous balls. Yeah. Yeah. The gently swaying, slick, sweaty balls. Yeah. Oh, that's gorgeous. That's when people say teabagged at the Hilton. That's what they're talking about.

Oh, yeah. They're not talking about the coffee service. Oh, that was Conrad Hilton's greatest innovation that he brought to the hospitality industry. It was two or three episodes of Mad Men where Conrad Hilton is in it. Of course, Don Draper turns to it at one point and goes, great balls, Connie. Nice. Sure. Brian, we got another call in the call basket?

Let's take another call. You just keep saying gross stuff about hotels. Hi, Brian. Hi, Jordan and Jesse and guest. This is Sarah. I'm calling from Bedford, New Hampshire. I was just driving down the road here and saw a big black dog walk out into the middle of the street. So I slowed way down.

I don't want to kill any dogs. And as I got closer, I realized it was a black bear and he walked out into the middle of the road, stood up, kind of looked around for a minute and looked at me like, what are you going to do about it? After a minute, he went back down and ran into the woods and yeah, that's it. I was pretty excited that I'd call you guys. Just saw you in Boston. Love you so much. Have a good one.

Bye. We love you too. We love you too, bear. We had a forest fire. We had a bear. Smokey was mentioned earlier. That's something, right? Yeah.

I don't know how to... I think we just finished the Herald. Sure, yeah. Exactly. Let's turn the light out in this recording booth. Yeah, now the eight people watching can go home. How many people are going to get an improv show? And practice for their Herald.

And practice for their Herald. Or they can go backstage and do their warm-up and then get on stage. Can I tell you guys, I went for a little summer vacation to my cabin in Giant Sequoia National Monument two weeks ago, maybe, with my family. And I drove home a different route than the route I usually do. There's a seasonal road that's only open during the summer. They don't clear the snow in the winter. It's kind of a pumpkin spice road.

Yeah. And I figured I'd like to drive. It's more of a lawn chairs at more it's more of a uh like a lawn chairs at target road right sure yeah um but i uh i wanted to see the trail of a hundred giants you know what that's like you guys sure cruise if you got the chance to cruise through the trail of a hundred giants you're gonna want to sure is that the place where you do you go like under a tree at some point um there's one somewhere in the national park. So I'm in the National Monument which is south of there, but in the National

Park somewhere there is one of those trees. There's also a thing called Tharp's Log, which is a man who lifted a log. Tharp, this is the man named Tharp. Yeah, Tharp is the man. Sure, yeah. The log was the log. You got it. But anyways, we were descending

from the mountain you know we're start at 6 500 feet or something you go all the way down to sea level so it's a long drive down the mountain at probably three or four thousand feet like high in the national forest just we were driving down the road you're driving slow because it's a lot of turn switchbacks and stuff like that and we had you know earlier we'd seen some deer and I had indicated them to my child. Look, there's deer. We had to slow down. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You're just driving and then just a cow walks into the road. That's confusing. What the fuck is that cow doing in the mountains? I don't know. What's he doing among the pine trees? Well, especially when you're trying to teach your children about, you know, animals. Yeah. And where animals, I mean, you know, they're going to get confused.

Yeah, he gave me a chance. Cows for the barnyard. It gave me a chance to teach them about our nation's national forests, which of course are the land of many uses. It's a great place for cows to vacation, for example. In addition to people. But are the things there, like the trees and the rocks, are they real or are they fake? Because that dictates our feelings. Were there any, amongst the real rocks, were there any fake rocks?

The theme is very strong. I'll give it that. It's a very heavily themed environment. And I would say the theme is evergreen. Except for the fall. But it becomes a deciduous theme. Funny joke about trees, I guess.

That's a good vocabulary word. Yeah, you know, there you go. Maybe not a joke, but more of a vocabulary word. I was really impressed by it. A lot of teens listen to this show for SAT prep, so sure, yes. What is this show but an hour and a half long analogy? Hey, our podcast name has a colon in it. Hey, it does.

Yeah. Just like analogies. Thank you for the respect you showed by putting the shine on that colon. I don't think I've heard the colon said out loud. I appreciate the respect. Are you supposed to be saying the colon? No, not necessarily. But I liked hearing it. Oh, Jesse said the colon. I appreciate the respect to the colon. Are you supposed to be saying the colon? No, not necessarily, but I liked hearing it. Oh, Jesse said the colon.

I like calling it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Podcast colon the run. Yeah. It's just nice to give some attention to the oft overlooked colon. Exactly. I mean, if it was a semicolon, it'd be a whole other situation. I want to be clear about this punctuation, guys.

Sure. This isn't an em dash. I mean, what is a punctuation for if not clarity? No. You got it. I'm, of course, white. This is my friend Strunk. So she saw a bear, huh?

She saw a bear. I think that's nice. Yeah. What's the best animal you ever saw? Best animal I've ever saw. Let's see. And zoos don't count because obviously- Well, now I'm out.

I haven't seen anything. You've never seen an animal outside a zoo? No. Really? Okay, listen. You backed me into a corner. Brian, what was that? The cat that I talk about on the podcast is not real.

Okay. It's a photo of a cat i stole from a public library i've never seen an animal outside a zoo now you're embarrassing me by making me admit it on the show would you do it to library look up the letter c yes yeah ripped it right out of the encyclopedia prokranica and i'm a virgin as long as we're admitting stuff right never had sex and i've never seen an animal outside a zoo. Really? Yeah. I'm waiting for marriage on both counts.

My wife and I, wherever she may be out there, I will experience physical love for the first time with her. And after we're done, we're going to go and look for a bird. Okay. And we'll see it together as God intended. Jordan, can I make a suggestion? Well, I guess so. Okay. As long as you're just running your mouth,

outing me for never having seen an animal, sure. Why don't you head over to the public library and look up S-E-X? That's quite a tip. Seems like it's going to go better than just hanging out in the lobby of the Doubletree waiting for something to happen. Fucking those cookies.

Yeah. Smashing my dick between those cooks. They are pretty warm. They are pretty warm. Sounds potentially better than sex, yes. Yeah, sure. Signature cookies. What's the best animal you guys ever seen?

What was that, Brian? What was the name of that kind of jumping cat? A serval. I saw that at the zoo, though, so it doesn't count. Yeah. But it's a cat that jumps very far. Wow. Wow.

Sounds fun. Yeah. Oh, a wild turkey? Oh, yeah. Like, just behind my mom's house. Gobble, gobble, baby. She's like, hey, look outside. There's a wild turkey just wandering around.

I'm like, what? Did you grow up in Florida? No, no. I grew up outside of Philadelphia, but my mom- But that was your Disney destination. Yes. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

My mom lives a little further out in the country now, and so every now and then there's just animals about. Yeah, that's a pretty good animal. That was going to be Benjamin Franklin's choice for America's national bird. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

And if it didn't – Benjamin Frank – Oh, sorry. Did it have like a silly connotation then or is the turkey being silly thing since his time? He also nominated for the national slogan instead of E Pluribus Unum. It was going to be Gobble Gobble, baby. I'll see. He nominated Kong Skull Island for Best Fake Rocks before you go into the Kong area at Universal Studios.

Best Fake Rocks. What's the best animal you've ever seen? I feel like I don't have a good one ready to go. I've been waiting to be last. I think I saw some dolphins in Kauai

right around some boat on the shore there in the shadow of the non-existent animals in Jurassic Park that were filmed along those shores. I saw a place where there were gates once that hypothetically would have had CGI dinosaurs behind them,

if that does anything for anyone. That's me. Thanks. Hey, great. Yeah. Fucking hard as a rock. This is great. Keep talking, baby.

I lived that. I lived that. That is my life. I did the other day see a woodpecker on a tree pecking it like they're supposed to. It was real satisfying. I'm like, hey, there he is going to town, doing that thing that everybody says that he does. Well, he didn't do that. That's an invention.

Making mischief? Yes. Yeah. Being worse than Bugs Bunny. Being the worst version of Bugs Bunny. Yeah, being worse than Bugs Bunny. My worst version of Bugs Bunny. This isn't a rare animal, a hummingbird, and they're very, in fact, incredibly common in the courtyard of the building where I live. But they keep getting trapped in our stairwell. And my wife now has a surefire system to save them.

She can save, she can get a hummingbird up and moving again. Like she teaches them about Jesus? Yes. They will go to hummingbird heaven. She's figured out in 15 minutes flat how to like, what crate in the house we can get to sort of corral them

and then let's get the sugar water and get them drinking and up on their feet again. You give them a little snack? Yeah. That's nice. That helps. They get stressed out so easily And let's get the sugar water and get them drinking and up on their feet. You give them a little snack. Yeah. Yeah. That helps. They get stressed out so easily and just get faint and like worried they're never going to get out of the close.

So they just kind of give up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little like it seems like a mental. They seem a little suicidal or something. Sure. Yeah.

Which I bet if they're maybe they're naturally claustrophobic as well. And that makes them just freak out and what's the point? You know what I would do? What's that? I don't have any crates. I don't have any sugar water, so I'd just whip it out and piss right on them. Whoa, okay. All right.

What does he think of that? Not a little Hirschheiser, Jesse. What do you think of that, fuckface? Well, if. Get nectar from this. Total Hershiser, Jesse. What do you think of that, fuckface? Well, I, if, if. Get nectar from this. Get the fuck out of my stairwell. One of these days. You shitey fuck.

You deserve what's happening to you. One of these days, you're going to get a little beak in the urethra. And I will laugh. I will laugh when you get a beak in the urethra. I don't even use my hands. I just whip it out and start pissing on that bird and you know what I say? Gobble, gobble, baby.

USA number one. Why would you say that? Because America is the greatest fucking country in the entire goddamn world. That detail does explain a question I had earlier which when I went the bathroom of, why is this bathroom like this? Why is it filled with hummingbirds?

Why is it filled with hummingbirds and puddles of piss? I also have a hard time peeing. I'm afraid of toilets. Okay. See, this is it. It comes out. You've been afraid to admit that you're afraid of potties. It's a combination of my fear of the commode and my contempt for hovering birds.

Wow. Your life is just a series of hats upon hats. I love a ground-bound bird. You know, hummingbirds that can still fly for 30 seconds after they're pissed off. Hats upon hats. You know, hummingbirds that can still fly for 30 seconds after they're pissed off. Had to find that. A little writer's room jargon. It's for the heads, for the real heads out there. All right, let's put up some index cards.

All right, what's a good Earl of Early? Anyone know that one? That might be a Conan-specific phrase. They call things Earl of Early. No, I don't know. What is that? It's a terminology for a joke that's okay, that establishes the pattern, but is not nearly good enough to be the closer or even the middle. Sure.

Kind of like the weakest joke that's arable is essentially what the Earl of Early is. I find it to be a useful phrase, but also they themselves, they always said it and then shuddered. Scott, you wrote for Conan for a time, right? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, for a little while. And I picked up that

and nothing else. I know my earls, I don't know if they have a good duke. There's no joke terminology duke. Sure. Here's a fun fact. Conan O'Brien

is host of The Conan Show. Oh, yes, yes, I recall. Loves to piss on Baldy. All right, here's a fun fact. Conan O'Brien, the host of The Conan Show. Oh, yes, yes, I recall. Loves to piss on bald eagles. All right, all right, calm down. Bald goddamn eagles. You know what he says? Gobble, gobble, baby. He doesn't say that.

He's all about Benjamin Franklin. He thinks that should be the national bird. When you're that level, when you're that rich, that's how you get your thrills, I guess. Right. That's all you can do. You have to make something beautiful less beautiful. Covering it in pee-pee.

I have the power. Yes. Me. Now that my forelocks have reached ultimate height. Yeah. That's Conan you're talking about. Yeah. Sure.

Yes. He has so much more freedom to do it now since he ditched the suits and went to the casual jackets. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Sure. He has so much more freedom to do it now since he ditched the suits and went to the casual jackets. Easier to move about from bird to bird. But it's a half hour so he has less time to do it.

So yeah. Listen, we'll be back in a minute on Jordan, Jesse Go. Listen, we'll be back in a minute on Jordan. Jesse, go. Hey, James. Hey, Nneke. What we doing, girl?

We are inviting the awesome listeners of Maximum Fun to join us at Minority Corner. Ooh, fun. But you know how we go on Tangent City. We're the joint mayors. We're not going to do that, okay? Soup's focused. Okay, so Minority Corner is where you can all come and get your pop culture take. Plus, social commentary, news, and TV movie reactions like Avengers Endgame.

No spoilers here. Ooh, snap. Sometimes we dig into the vaults and we review and recap those movies you missed. Look at you, Halle Berry's kidnapped. I love how she always gives 1,000%. Like Beyonce. Did you see Homecoming on Netflix? She was burning it down like the mother of dragons. Have you seen the latest Game of Thrones? So good. Only thing missing?

More black people. What'd you think about Mayor Pete? Wait a minute, James! We went on a tangent? Yes. Ah well. Join us every Friday for more tangents on Maximum Fun. I'm Riley Smurl. I'm Sydney McElroy. And I'm Taylor Smurl.

And together, we host a podcast called Still Buffering, where we answer questions like, Why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleek? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about butts. No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager and And I was two. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts. No. But you change your mind for too many times over and over again.

Over and over again. Jordan Jesse Go. I, of course, am Jesse Thorne, the King of Oral. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Gardner, new thing. You don't need a new thing. I don't. It could be the old thing.

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, stay. Still eating those cats. Sure. Process be the old thing. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, stay. Still eating those cats. Sure. Processing the spurs. I mean, we're doing a fucking nickname that we thought of when we were 19 and 18, respectively. Oh, wait, that's right. Yes. I'm acting, I guess I'm assuming that

I have to come up with a new thing. Oh, man. I'm just putting that pressure on myself. Oh, man. Give yourself a break. Yeah, you're right. Work hard. Thank you. I'll try to... to even your wife saving those hummingbirds saving those hummingbirds just trying to have a chill weekend drinking boysenberry beer sure that's our sugar water yeah daddy needs his sugar water it's jelly beer right into my beak

It's jelly beer. Right into my beak. Jason Sheridan, Duke of Bonespurs. He remembers the Bonespur thing. Well, they were in his mouth. By the way, I have a slight alteration I'd like to make to my song from earlier. Previously, I had sang Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Spurs. Wait, are you saying it can get better than that?

I know. Are you about to improve upon it? I don't. I would like to hear that. The bar is raising, sir. Take a listen, guys. You can decide for yourselves. I'm not here to brag. I think this is really worth interrupting the finale of the show for.

Duke, Duke, Duke of Bone Spurs. Duke, Duke. It's better. Yeah. You got it all in of Bonespurs. Duke, Duke. It's better. Yeah. You got it all in there. That gets the whole thing in there. You know what kind of spurs they are. Yeah.

Yeah, not cowboy spurs. No. It's a two-oven ended. Guys, I would like to push people, if they don't already, to subscribe to Podcast to Ride, because it's a really, really fun and funny show. I had myself a little bit of a rough couple weeks and you know what I did as I went into that?

It was a rough couple weeks where I would have to be driving around. So I'm like, not only am I kind of bummed, but I'm going to have to be in the car a lot. You know what I did is I downloaded me a bunch of Podcast The Rides and cheered myself right the fuck up. Really?

Such a fun, happy show with three funny guys, two of which are here, one of which is not. He's often the he's currently, as we speak, seeing David Copperfield's current show at the MGM Grand. Wow. Which is the thing, he doesn't

know, I don't think, what's happening in it. I've made a big point of not spoiling this for our audience and I won't for yours either. Everyone should go to the show and see the turn that happens.

It's the theme parkiest thing you can imagine. Can I say, is it okay if I say what the show is named? Yes, yes. It's called David Copperfield.

Gobble, gobble, baby. You know it. Sure. He fucks a turkey. Right, yes. Mike's going to have feathers all over his face. The turn is from man fucker to turkey fucker. From fucking humans to fucking birds of the ground.

That's the turn, and then the prestigeige's man-turkey hybrid baby. Prestige too much on the show. Now that's how you wrap up a Herald. Yes. That is. All right. Get backstage, eight people in the audience. You're about to go on.

Let's switch. That's how many people come to the improv show. Guys, it's been a joy to have you on the program. People can find the podcast, Podcast Colon The Ride, in their favorite podcast application. That's correct. Sure. Yeah, and our Twitter and our Instagram and our Patreon, The Second Gate. That's really where the molten core of the good shit is.

It's where the weird shit is. Yeah, yeah. Weird shit is. Yeah, yeah. Your McGruffs and your hour discussion of a cow that was born with Mickey Mouse ears on its side and Disney bought it from the farmers and let it live at Disney World. That sounds like good shit. It really, really is. And you guys are going on tour, right?

Hey, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's correct. I think we can't say all of them yet, but we're going to be in Orlando at the end of October. We're going to Orlando. The home of all this stuff. It's where the stuff we think about all the time happens. Anthony Hardaway. Yeah. To walk in his footsteps.

Most boy bands. Most boy bands. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. To be in the shadow of Lou Berman. They're so thrilled. The queen of Versailles house. Sure. We're going to have a lot of great stuff. Oh, no.

We're going to have to head on over to Gainesville to see their famous punk scene. Oh, sure. Three bands, I think. Yeah, check us out. Go to our Twitter if you're in Orlando and listening to this and you want to see a live podcast at a place that's allowing a live podcast unlike that snooty Grove. Thank you. Can I suggest a guest for your Florida show?

Sure. What about Flo Rida? Sure. Oh, we'd love to have him. Is he actually from Florida or is it just a name? I don't know. Do you guys like to get low? As far as I know.

Yes. Will he be bringing? Let me ask, though. Will he be bringing Pitbull and Lunch Money Lewis? The gang's all here on Podcast The Ride. I don't think we've ever had six people on a mic. Now let's talk churros. Those three guys, they're really the podcast of Ride of, I guess the Ride of Rap.

Sure, yeah. Who has the best very salty turkey leg? It's a great podcast. People should listen. Even if you're a low or medium theme park fan, I think you'll find a lot of fun in there. And we try to explain it for people who aren't just like deeply steeped in it. Although everyone should be. Right. Because, you know, the world's a dark place,

and it's much sillier to only think about this shit. I don't know what the hell's going on in the real world, and I don't want to. If you're out there and you don't have opinions on Marvel's Islands of Adventure, get them. Get those opinions. Learn about that, what happens there. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steeped. Steeped in theme parks. It's a good way to be steeped. Like a hummingbird and... Never mind. Steep in his beak. I don't want to put another hat on that. You're a piss.

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is the producer of this program. That's his voice you occasionally hear penetrating the window. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com. It's a fun, like, it's like a message board. If you guys are wondering. Sounds like a friendly place. Yeah, it's like we got this rule. We're trying out,

we're doing kind of a pilot program on behalf of Reddit. Like, what if you had a Reddit thing, but there's no Nazis? That's what we're working on. I guess you don't believe in free speech then. That's true.

We do hate free speech. Ew, yucky. That's what I think about free speech. Yuck. Ew, yucky. Ooh. Yeah.

Ew, yucky. I guess the dentist took away your ability to speak freely. Sure. Did he remove your tongue as well as your baby tooth? Yeah, he replaced it with a very long one. Oh, nice. You got that surgery.

You can also hashtag it, hashtag JJGo on Twitter. We're on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. You can find us on Facebook as well, just like JordanJesseGo there. And remember, if you're a summer boy, we got that Summer Boys of Summer shit. You can buy it at MaxFunStore.com. It's a great website to go to. Yeah, beach balls, posters, and challenge coins, all from our recent Summer Boys of Summer tour.

Those challenge coins. Which you should have been at. Those challenge coins are very hefty. Uh-huh. So you could use them as a, if you don't need to do any challenging, you could use them as a weapon. Sure. Like native Australians use a, what do you call that? Kangaroo?

Boomerang? Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Cool. One of those. Or a kangaroo. Weaponize those kangaroos.

I mean, can you imagine you're walking down the street now, back, you know? Yeah. You're just minding your own business, thinking about hummingbirds or whatever, and then somebody throws a fucking kangaroo at you? Bad news. You have to be very strong to throw the entire- Unless it was a baby kangaroo. Get your Jordan Jesse Go kangaroos at maxfunstore.com.

maxfunstore.com. Okay. We'll talk to you later on Jordan Jesse Go. Goodbye. Goodbye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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