Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 599: Solo Rider with Dave Ross

Episode Date: August 27, 2019

Dave Ross (The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex) joins Jordan and Jesse to talk about Jordan's new strategy for keeping the stank out of his Comfycush Vans, Dave's time doing comedy on Warped Tour, and Jordan's perfect day at Universal Studios riding the new Jurassic Park ride and eating churros. Plus, Dave has a new comedy album out called The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex! Go to MaxFunStore.com to get your hands on some sweet Summer Boys of Summer Tour merch!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, solo writer. Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me? I'm a solo writer, did you know that? I did not know that you were a solo writer, nor do I know what a solo writer is. Well, you'll find out.

Okay. Maybe. Uh-huh., you'll find out. Okay. Maybe. Uh-huh. If we get to it. Okay. Yeah. I made strawberry ice cream today. That's pretty good.

So I'm pretty solid, too. Yeah. You've got to make a puree, Jordan. Okay. How do you start? What's the first step to making strawberry ice cream? Well, the first step is you're going to want to cut the greens off the strawberries, buddy. Yeah.

Or do you want me to take it all the way back to going to the farmer's market? No, I think I know how to go to the farmer's market. That's right there at Pasadena High School. Sure, yeah. You make the ice cream base, Jordan. You've got to get – this is a custard ice cream. You just make an unflavored ice cream. Yeah, you make an unflavored ice cream.

Well, it's flavored like sweet cream. Okay. And then you add a puree. You can leave the milk out of the base so that it's a little richer. Now, how do you get it to sit next to the chocolate and vanilla ice cream but not bleed over? Oh, you got to get one of those Aquafresh machines. What's that? It's those machines that they use to make Aquafresh toothpaste have those three stripes.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. So how do you – I mean, I would think that that would be proprietary technology from the Aquafresh company. They just hand those out to civilians? You have to get a license. And I consider toothpaste makers to be members of the military. You have to get a –

That's what I call. You have to get a license, but you don't need the nuclear codes, buddy. You just have your lawyer call their lawyer and come to an agreement. But you do have to turn the key at the same time as a general, right? Jordan, I don't believe that all agreements are zero sum. I think there's such a thing as a mutually beneficial agreement, such as my agreement with the Aquafresh company allows me to use their ice cream machine. I mean, I should say their toothpaste machines to make ice cream.

Right. The opposite of toothpaste. Yeah, Neapolitan is the opposite of toothpaste. If I've learned anything from my children's board books, it's that the opposite of toothpaste is ice cream.

What's a board book? What's a board book? That's like a book for like toddlers. Oh, okay. Right. That's like made out of a thick kind of cardboard.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. There's one on opposites and it shows you that the opposites of toothpaste is ice cream. Mm-hmm. Right. It's like made out of a thick kind of cardboard. Yeah, sure. There's one on opposites, and it shows you that the opposites of toothpaste is ice cream. Mm-hmm. Right. Anyway, how are you doing, buddy? Pretty good. You want me to talk about my solo writer experience?

Should we introduce our guest first? Yeah. Our guest, stand-up comedian, past guest on this program. He's got a brand new record album. It's called The Only Man Ever to Have Sex. That's close. Okay. Yeah, that's good.

I should have written it down. Dave Ross, hi. Hi. Thank you for having me. How are you? I'm good, man. It's good to see you both. Thank you for wearing the house sneakers.

Yes. Yeah. And they're brand new, too. Fresh out of the box. Black and white Vans flats. Yeah. I want to ask you uh dave yes because i got a these pair of vans i'm wearing okay semi-recent okay did you go with the comfy kush

i did that's you can tell by my red tag on the side oh interesting mine didn't have the red tag and you have the comfy kush in there i have the comfy kush in there i was a little embarrassed jesse i don't know if you yeah do you have any do you have a pair of Vans? Have you ever had a pair of Vans? You know, I'm going to tell you the truth, guys. There's a set of Peanuts Vans. Oh, yes. It's got like Snoopy and stuff on them, and I've been thinking real hard about buying them off eBay. Oh, man, do it. You know, they're only like 50 or 60 bucks, but the truth is I got a lot of shoes.

I've never owned Vans myself. Oh, interesting. Vans also has a – sorry. I've had a Converse All-Star before. Had many a Converse All-Star in my day, and there's quite a few Keds, but no Vans. A Jack Purcell? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've got a pair of Jack Purcells. Are these Keds that you have on right now?

What I've got on right now is a, yes, they actually are. They're a Keds collaboration. No, Converse collaboration. Oh, okay. British brand Nigel Cable. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, they look, I mean, okay. British brand Nigel Cable. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, they look, I mean, they look very similar to the Vans that we're both wearing.

Very much so. We're all wearing a plimsoll. Yes. That's the style of shoe. This one is like a British military shoe. It does have the rubber toe on the front. Anyway, that's for when I'm kicking ass. Thinking about your- Makes the ass easier to wash. Well, that's for when I'm kicking ass. Thinking about your...

Makes the ass easier to wash. Sure, of course. The peanut shoe you got your eyes on, I just found this out, Vans has a thing on their website now where I don't know what the cost is. I would imagine $100 or so, but you can upload your own design that they will print onto a Vans pair of shoes and you can just buy those. That seems pretty rock solid. That seems like a great value proposition.

Absolutely. So maybe you don't need to get a Peanuts one, whatever, even closer to your personality. Finally, I can get a left shoe that says poo-poo and a right shoe that says pee-pee. I already got that knuckle tattoo. Right. Pow, pow, pow. Knuckle tattoo. Honestly, Jordan, I feel like I might do that

Now that you say it A shoe that says poo poo on the left and pee pee on the right Hey if you're out there That's a free idea And if you're listening if you're out there from the Vans Corporation Oh my lord yes Steve Dornan is the guy who invented Vans I think I think his name is

John Van Right yes John Van Yeah If you're out there And you want to make an official How do you know that? John Van. Right, yes, John Van. Yeah. If you're out there and you want to make an official poo-poo pee-pee Van, I'm okay with it. That could be a collaboration. That can be Van's ex-Jordan Jesse Go. I think that's a good idea.

I'll say this. Yeah. My first thought when you describe that, Dave, is I'm just going to make my own Peanuts Vans. Wow, that's funny. So that's my first thought. But for more, Dave, is I'm just going to make my own Peanuts vans. Wow, that's funny. So that's my first. But for more than they would cost on eBay. I realize the problem is I don't have the license. However, I got that Aquafresh license. Oh, okay.

I think I'm going to make toothpaste vans. Okay, I was going to say you could trick the estate of Charles Schultz, your toothpaste machine, for the Peanuts license and then make the vans. Okay, I was going to say you could trick the estate of Charles Schultz, your toothpaste machine, for the Peanuts license and then make the Vans. Wait, what is this Aquafresh? How much of a joke and a riff is this Aquafresh thing? A hundred percent. Although I do like the silver extreme

Aquafresh t-shirt. I mean, toothpaste. You like it. Okay. Yeah, no, that's a nice toothpaste. I don't know what it says about you and what I know about you, Jordan. Sorry, Jesse, that I believed you when you said you owned the license to Aquafresh, but I did. You got toothpaste money in my mind. Sure, yeah. Proprietary toothpaste technology.

I've only got dollar store brands, like a Freshen Up or something. Wow, well, that's pretty good, too. So the new shit in the world of... So vans. I love wearing a vans, and I love wearing a vans without socks. You've been a van man as long as I've known you. Sure, yeah.

And I think the thing with vans, and Dave, maybe you'll back... Are you a lifelong vans guy? You strike me as you know, and I think the thing with Vans and Dave, maybe you'll back. I don't know. Are you a lifelong Vans guy? You strike me as you maybe would. I am only not lifelong because I was once a baby. Oh, sure. And my parents were not Vans. Put Vans on the baby people. Both of you are total Avril Lavigne style skater boys. Damn right we are. To the bone. Yeah. A skater boy who. Yeah.

I say see you later boy. Twisted his ankle once on a skateboard when I was 11 and never got back on. Yeah. Oh yeah. In that sense I am a skater boy. I have been. I skated on a skateboard twice. The first time I fell off and I hurt my butt.

And the second time I fell off and I hurt my butt. Yeah. So. Skateboards should come with butt pads. Go ahead, Jordan. They should. Yeah, why does it only need pads? I think you just got to toughen up that butt.

Oh, yeah. Sort of like... But in fairness, you say that to everyone. That's true. Toughen up that butt. Yeah. I say. I used to give them a little pad on the fanny,

but you know, different times. Yeah. Different times. New times. It was a different time. Yeah. Yeah. I no longer include the fanny pad unless I'm explicitly asked for it. Yeah. Different times. It was a different time. Yeah. Yeah. No longer include the fanny pack unless I'm explicitly asked for it.

Yeah. So I, so the thing about Vans is that they are, they're tough on the feet when they're new. Yeah. Traditionally, they're tough on the feet. You got to break them in.

Yeah. They're, and it's a, it's a process, you know, you gotta, you know, you gotta,

you know, you gotta, you gotta rough them up a little bit. You gotta wear them in the bathtub. Sure. Yeah, exactly. And if you are a guy like me who loves wearing them without socks, you're going to blister. You're going to blister.

It's just part of the process. Well, you're going to put some body glide on there. You put some body glide on there. But the new shit shit they have something called comfy cush where inside the van is a pad that says comfy cush on it uh-huh and it feels like a fucking dream it's incredible it's amazing it no and i feel like and i and you know i feel like a poser that i'm wearing the comfy cush. You shouldn't, man.

Yeah, I do. You shouldn't. Isn't that part of the thing? You break them in. You lead a tough life. You get out there, kick some shit, show some people who's boss, and then your vans break in because you've been fucking living life. Absolutely not. Absolutely not, man.

Oh, they're so soft. They're so soft. They're so soft. It's a comfy cush. We should be aiming to feel good and feel safe. You know what I mean? Can I make that the new slogan of Jordan, Jesse, go? Aiming to feel good and feel safe.

Absolutely. Please do. And I'm serious, man. Look, if people look at me wearing these vans and what they think is that I got blisters on my feet and my life has been hard, you know, good for them. But I was so happy for the ultra-cush thing because I was already wearing a Dr. Scholl's. I was gelling in there. You know what I mean? And I also like to—

Are you cushion and gelling now? No, because when you're gelling inside of a van, it's hard to fit your whole foot in there. It's a small shoe. And then I started buying no-show socks. So it looks like I am not wearing socks and it looks like I'm wearing irregular vans when in reality I am comfortable as hell and my feet don't stink and I don't have blisters. I'm all for show. Can I tell you what I've usually got in my plimsolls? Yeah.

Yeah, I hit that fucking line at the Kaiser Pharmacy. Grab me a pair of fucking $39. I don't care. Money is no object to me when it comes to insoles. Well, you got that Aquafresh money. I'm prepared to drop $39 on Superfeet brand insoles. Damn. That's the Cadillac of insoles.

These things are tremendous. They're in your shoe right now as we speak? Yeah. Wow. Feeling fantastic. That's the thing. Just put the insoles in your shoe. Don't feel bad.

The support is extraordinary. I could go anywhere. Dave, I don't know if you've – let me know if this has been your experience. But, I mean, you know, obviously when you're wearing the Vans without the socks, odor is an issue. Absolutely. And I usually try and I have some, Gold Bond's a favorite product of mine. But I've recently been going to the Army Surplus store and getting Army Foot Powder. Army Foot Powder?

Army Foot Powder is very inexpensive uh-huh and i imagine it is stronger than gold bond because it's you know it's for army men it's for army men the only thing stronger than men the only thing stronger than an army man of course is a semen sure yeah i mean if there's any semen brand powder out there. Yeah, you need to get some semen powder. Let me know. Sure. My semen actually comes out as a powder? Right.

Whose doesn't? Does anyone's not? Mine certainly does. Okay, good. Well, we're three men with normal semen. I was very worried that you were about to tell me that semen was not a powder. No, it's a poof. It poofs out.

Absolutely. Sometimes a flag comes out of my dick that says bang. I have some problems with clumping. Uh-huh. Absolutely. But that's because I don't – I should be consuming an anti-caking agent. Sure. Yeah, you also need to get that comfy soul in your pants or you get it.

Ultra cush. So when things start to get sweaty i like to you know i like to powder my feet with army powder damn dude just wear socks you know what i mean no never no i will not that's not the solution your easy solution is wrong no so cheap and they do things my way they make the socks that look like you're not wearing socks i should get some of this i'm not i wish it's so funny i I even had, as I was leaving, I was wearing these ankle socks and I was like,

I should change my socks because I like to look as if I'm not wearing socks and that would have been so great to make my argument but I can't, I cannot win this argument now.

Well, you didn't want to come in here looking like an asshole in ankle socks. I know, and I did. Like some teeny bopper off of your aerobics.

Like a little skater boy. Yeah, sure. You know what? See you know, and I did. Like some teeny bopper off your aerobics. Like a little skater boy. Yeah, sure. You know what? See you later, boy. Yeah. So you put army... But I've been army powdering my feet. But... Does it have a cooling effect? Yes. Okay. A cool? A tingle? Have you

thought that maybe the fact that your feet smell is why you're a solo writer? Could be. Honestly, could be. We'll get into it, though. But I do feel like the Comfy Kush is fighting the army powder. My worry is that the Comfy Kush is absorbing odor in a way that the standard non-Kush van is not. Interesting.

Because they're a little stinky, guys. I'll be honest with you. Oh, I see. I don't know if it's going to come through during the record, but the shoes in there for my feet have been a little stinkier. A traditional van is – this is one of these shoes where just someone poured some molten rubber in a waffle iron because they needed something for their skateboards or whatever. Yeah, they keep the rubber in a cement mixer until they make the shoe. Yeah. Yeah, it is an impermeable material they make the original van out of.

And so, yes, that's probably why the odor isn't trapped there, and it is with this perforated, comfy material. Have you thought about bleaching them down? Bleaching down the cush? Yeah. I don't know. Sounds cool. Sounds fun.

Sounds like something that would get you pretty high. You know me, baby. Yeah. So you're saying that what would the bleaching them down do? Yeah, what is that? Can you walk us through it? It would destroy the stank. Okay.

If the goal is to destroy the stank okay if the goal is to destroy the stank on it i say just yeah or just soak him in bleach i'm sure i could i feel like that also might destroy the shoe but i'm talking about destroying this stank here dave but it will also destroy the shoe is what i'm i'm positing right well, first things first, buddy. That is also something that I learned from a children's board book. That which destroys the stank will also destroy the shoe. Oh, man. I learned that from Confucius. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. He was very wise. He said stank a lot more than people realized. He wrote too many board books, that guy. For a guy with his own ism. Sure. He said stank a lot. Sure said stank a lot more than people realize. He did. He wrote too many board books, that guy. For a guy with his own ism. Sure. He said stank a lot.

Sure said stank a lot. Although that could be an issue with the translation. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Do you guys want to hear about my solo writer lifestyle? There's a lot of mentions, by the way, of stank in Mao's Little Red Book. Right. You know, those paper tigers.

Maybe stank. Yeah. A lot of important writers in history use tigers maybe stank yeah a lot of yeah a lot of important writers in history use the word stank sure to our great surprise balzac love to you know he likes to get stank um so you're a solo writer solo writer do you guys know that if is it writer or rider rider rider so this a, do you guys know that if you go to a theme park alone, or you don't care about the people you're with, you can get on a ride kind of quick if you go in the solo rider line. Is that real? That's real. I've never heard of this.

There's a separate line just for solo riders? Yes. If you're lonely? Yeah. That's crazy. If you're a lone man. They like hand you a TV dinner while you're. Yeah. If you're a lone man. They, like, hand you a TV dinner while you're. Yeah.

If you're one of those. Exactly. They hand you a can of stag chili. Eat this every night. A box of Kleenex and one bullet. Right. And you just resign yourself. You get one last ride before you blow your brains out.

Alone, yeah. At Disneyland. Yeah. Occasionally last ride before you blow your brains out at Disneyland. Occasionally they'll hedge your cat. Right at the top of the Matterhorn, you hear one gunshot and that's what it is. Sure, yeah. Right, exactly. Avalanche! That's actually the abominable snowman.

Choosing to end his own life. He finally realized his own abominableness. He's so abominableness. Right. Yeah. He's so abominable. All these years he thought he was a Yeti. Right.

Sure. He'll never be as beloved as his brother Sasquatch. I think I'm abominable. And he ate a bullet. Wait. So you – but you're defining yourself as a solo writer. So I'll walk you through this. A lifestyle change I have undergone recently has been – I can't talk too much about the specifics, but I went from man with a lot going on to man with jack shit going on over the course of a week and a half. Yeah.

jack shit going on over the course of a week and a half. I had some very, very weird and very, very weird job shit happen that I can't talk about for fear of being sued by a giant company. But it was very stressful and

personally challenging. Yeah. It has led to you having a lot of free time. It was rough. And so... And the company is Aquafresh. The company is Aquafresh. The company is Aquafresh. Those bastards at Aquafresh. You know, I mean, if when you're under contract to Aquafresh and the paparazzi snaps you using Crest, they're going to come after you. They're going to come after you. And, yeah, for years you've been the guy who writes the jokes on the tube.

Do these tubes have jokes? Well, in this scenario, they do. Oh, okay. You're creating a fantasy scenario. I'm just having fun over here. Like a comedy Dr. Bronner. Right. You know how Taco Bell sauce packets have a joke on the packet?

Do they? They do. Fire sauce. What's an example of a Taco Bell joke? It'll say, like, you're hot or something just a really corny that's solid yeah that's a good piece of business honestly no notes they must they must have gotten bruce bruce phillips yeah he's writing hot sauce they got bruce sure oh what the medium sauce says you're medium yeah Yeah, totally. Hey, baby. Yeah. You're looking real medium today.

Hey, listener. You're looking pretty medium today. The issue is it's a whole extra day of training for the staff there that they have to give out the hot one first to set up the medium one. Right. You have to work there to get the joke. Absolutely. Right. You don't have to be crazy to work here at Taco Bell.

Yeah. But it helps. So, yeah. So I just, you know, and I'm trying to get shit going. I'm trying to get it together. But, you know, I had just this Friday where I had something and it got moved. So I'm just sitting there going, well, shit. Got nothing.

Yeah. I got nothing. What do I do with this nothing weekday? And I'm like, oh, there's a new Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios. I can, which I had been to Universal Studios not too long ago when the thing opened because I wanted to ride. But then it's like two and a half hours wait. A long time. People are excited about this thing. And I think, Jesse, like you, I

can't do a long line. I just don't want to. I don't care how many animatronic dinos are involved. I just don't want to. I just don't want to. And so I kind of was like, I do want to ride this thing. I will come back and do it. So it's not a totally new ride. I think they just added some new shit from the new movies to the old ride. My system is I either show up at 8 a.m. and it's breakfast or I show up at 1 p.m. and it's lunch.

I'm not standing in line for brunch. Okay. Wow. Not, you know. Oh, right. I'm out. If the analogy here is a hip Okay. Wow. Not, you know. Sure. Oh, right. I'm out. If the analogy here is a hip restaurant. Yeah.

No, that's good. That's a good policy. Man, I guess I haven't been brunching in a minute because I forgot about brunch lines. Yeah, it's the fucking worst thing in the world. You're hungry and you have to stand in line? Yeah. Fuck that. And there's usually one bee.

Yeah. There's just a bee there making you scared sometimes. They want the mimosas, I think. Quit bumbling, buddy. Yeah. So, yeah. So I went to Universal Studios at- Can we just acknowledge the anguished sound that Brian just made?

It sounded like a fucking Sasquatch speaking up. I made that half a bee joke and then bee half a joke. I think when Brian stops enjoying the show, maybe it's time to wrap it up. I do like that we have a metric for whether or not we are doing well. There's this distant muffled laugh that comes a little delayed. It's a deeply troubled. Maybe Brian was just thinking back to a time he'd been stung by a bee.

That's true. I hate bees. I hate bees a lot. You just don't like the mention of bees. Yeah. But you didn't think Jesse's joke was good. No, it was a great joke. Great joke.

Just the subject matter got me good. See, here's the thing. I can tell he's bullshitting because he would have said it was a perfectly fine joke if he was being frank. I'm not buying this. It was a great joke. Even I know it wasn't a great joke. He's backpedaling. He's backpedaling.

Perfect joke. Perfect joke. Wow. That's a big compliment. Should have been on 30 Rock. Okay. So you decided – did you decide to go to Universal Studios? I did.

I did. So I'm like, I'm going to go. And I have the i have the universal studios app so i was driving there at sorry yeah i just laughed in your face dave i don't have a lot going on i don't have i'm just trying i had a lot going on and now i got jack shit so i'm just trying but how long have you had the app did you have the app while you had a lot going on i've had the app two years okay all right uh no i got the app on my first visit when the line was too long he ordered the app when he was waiting for a table i honestly thought i i'll it's mozzarella sticks honestly i

i this is i did download the universal app because i thought it was a dating app and I thought it was the fastest way to meet Shrek man how is that not the end of the show that's gotta be the last thing you say and I blow my brains out like an abominable snowman totally you can't just say that's the fastest way to meet Shrek and then we say other stuff yeah Brian edit it so that's the last thing that's said in the show. Wow. So you got the app because you were at Universal Studios. I was at Universal and I was kind of – because I wanted to ride this Jurassic Park ride. And I was just constantly checking back to see if this line was going to go down and it did not. What's supposed to happen in this ride?

A dinosaur's attack? Dinosaurs? Yeah, I mean much like – Oh, I've been on this ride. Dinosaurs attack? Dinosaurs? Yeah, I mean, much like. Oh, I've been on this ride.

Yeah, they like, there's a part where the track tilts and a T-Rex, like, grabs the side of your car, right? Or is that the King Kong? You're thinking of the old King Kong tram. Yeah. That also involves one dinosaur, right? It's like the general universal tour. Okay, I know what this ride is. Okay. It's like there's a little red cable car, a trolley.

It goes ding, ding, and it goes around and through a hole in the wall. And then when it comes out, it's in the land of make-believe. So this is Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers. Okay. Well, either way, we can meet Shrek there, right? Yes, yes. Shrek's everywhere, baby. Wait, hold on. Okay. I know what it is. You know this ride. Okay. Well, either way, we can meet Shrek there, right? Yes, yes. Shrek's everywhere, baby.

Wait, hold on. Okay. I know what it is. You know this, right? Okay. Jesse, you have one more guess. Dave, you have one more guess. Okay.

Give everybody one more guess. This is the one where you get in a submersible. Right. And you go deep into the ocean, but you have these high-tech 3D IMAX cameras. And you're recording of James Cameron 3D IMAX cameras. And you're recording of James Cameron's weekend. Oh, okay. Sorry.

Sorry. I am. That's okay. I was. Sorry. James Cameron's Sunday fun day. Sorry. Going underwater. Dave, do you remember when it is that happens in the show?

Yeah. No, isn't it the one where you get into a tiny boat with like eight other people? Right. Isn't it the one where you get into a tiny boat with like eight other people and then you very slowly meander through an oddly cartoonish world of tiny people who sing a very annoying song? Right. This is Gilligan's Island. Thinking of a rerun of Gilligan's Island on MeTV. So is that what it is? No.

So this is a – and it's much like the experience of watching a Jurassic Park film. You show up at a park prepared for an educational – And Chris Pratt is there. Chris Pratt is now there. And he's so hot. He was not there before. Chris Pratt is there. Bryce Dallas Howard is there.

B.D. Wong also there. Okay, great. All of them looking great. Oh, that's nice. I'll say looking great. And so, yeah, they were not there before. But, you know, because they're incorporating stuff from the new movies into this kind of older ride. Is Chris Pratt actually there?

He's on various screens. I was really hoping for a Chris Pratt animatronic at the end, like waving at you and telling you you did a great job. I really am. Great job on the ride. I'm sorry, Anna Faris. I'm part of a weird church now. See you later in every movie. So, yeah.

So it's this older ride. They're adding stuff from the Jurassic World movies. Yeah, so you're on a boat ride everything's going great but then you learn via screen with Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard on them that the Indominus Rex has escaped

and the park has been thrown into chaos wow now this is an incredible dinosaur yes it's a Tyrannosaurus Rex with its DNA mixed with another dinosaur. With a raptor, right? With Shrek, actually. Wow.

It is a Tyrannosaurus. Wow. So he's really cranky. This thing is incredible. And there's 25% Dr. DeSoto in there for cleverness, like coming up with clever tricks and things. Wow. This is a very scary- It's a character from a children's book that we discussed, I believe, on last week's program.

Ah, well, yes. I'm very fucked up for these. He's a mouse dentist who tricks a fox. Oh, okay. That sounds fun. Well, aren't we all? Yeah, you're definitely going to want that DNA inside your Indominus. Sure.

And since there's Shrek DNA in this Indominus, does the dinosaur become a person if you kiss it? Yeah. Well, no, but he does fart along to Smash Mouth. Oh, wow. He does fart in rhythm with various Smash Mouth songs, although one of them not All-Star. Oh. Walking on the Sun. Oh, okay.

Only Walking on the Sun. Interesting. Not Why Can't We Be Friends. No, sorry. None of the songs from the movie. No. Weirdly enough, I don't understand how genetics works, Dave. I'm not B.D. Wong.

What do you think he is? You're just a solo writer. Gregor Mendel? I don't know who that is. He's the guy who invented genetics. Go ahead. Oh, God, of course. Actually, no, it's actually B.D. Wong.

Okay, sorry. I don't know if you've seen the Jurassic Park movie, but it's B.D. Wong. So, yeah, so I rode the ride. We escaped the Indominus. Wow. Thanks to Blue the Raptor, which is the friendliest raptor. The one that likes Chris Pratt. The one that likes Chris Pratt.

Can I just tell you that my daughter saved her money to buy a Blue the Raptor? Like, do you know like a hockey goalie's helmet or like the new style of baseball catchers helmet where it's like two pieces one on the back and one the front and with it with elastic straps and like in like a in like a full face mask that's kind of uh aerodynamic looking a little bit i can picture it yeah uh it's that but it's a raptor and it makes noises when you move your jaw. It has a movable jaw on this helmet. Yes. So when my daughter goes, it makes noises. Wow.

Really? I've had my head inside of a wolf version of that. And you open your mouth, and it opens its mouth with you, and it roars. It's incredible. Yeah, it's truly remarkable. It's cooler technology than an iPhone, and it roars. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah, it's a truly remarkable. It's cooler technology than an iPhone, for sure. Huh. Yeah.

How into your day could you incorporate this? Well, if you're my daughter, extensively. Oh, wow. I mean, are you speaking of me specifically? I guess I mean a child. I wore it when I went to see the new Quentin Tarantino movie the other day. At the Vista.

There's a little ball of leg room there. She'll wear it in any context and just walk up behind you and you just see a little eight-year-old girl with a crazy-ass mask on. I think the idea is if there's a child with a raptor mask

in front of you, there's one you don't see. Yeah, of course. You know, we talked recently about the band The Locust on the show

and a lot of folks emailed us that apparently The Locust are reforming. Okay. Yeah. And I think they're going to be wearing

those blue masks. Wow. So it's kind of a sponsored thing. Yeah. Exactly. Okay, I guess you got the third movie coming out soon. You're going to want it.

And the thing is, is like the folks over at Universal, they love, you know, they love their Happy Meal tie-in and stuff. But they were like, what can we do with some really, there's something we could do with some really brutal noise. Right, sure. Just some really intense growling. We've never actually reached the grind core community as the Universal Pictures. They see a lot of movies. They see a lot of movies. They go to see movies.

They got their disposable income. So what I did, so I got there. Not only was the wait shorter because I was there at 9 a.m., but there's this whole other thing, the solo rider line. So not only was the wait not it was like 10 minutes holy shit and already short line was made all the shorter because of the solo rider line and well were there and so there were other people in the solo rider line there were yes that you met and ended up sitting next to right uh well kind of what they do is when there's like a space on the boat if there's a you know because i think most of the people going on this thing are happy families, people in relationships,

people with friends, people there with friends. So, you know, but- People that were not recently fired by Aquafresh. Yes, yeah. People who have stuff going on. People who don't have jack shit going on. Anna Faris and her new husband. Yeah, they're there every day.

Just there to throw rocks at the Chris Pratt robot. So, you know, I think you are not necessarily going to be next to another solo writer. You're going to be there next to, you know, a family of four, you know, because there's a line of five. Sure. You know, if there's a, you know. I guess what I was driving at is, see, you're in the line with people. Are you, by the end of waiting in line as a solo writer, you might not be a solo writer anymore. You might have a friend that you made.

Sure, yeah. No, no, no. We're all looking at our phones. Yeah, okay. Well, actually, me, I like the journey of the – I like the world of the Jurassic Park movies and I like the journey of the theme park ride. I was a little disappointed the solo writer line is shorter, but you don't get as much ride backstory. Oh, yeah. Because you're missing some of the instructional videos

that they're providing backstory. Right. Did you watch some lore videos to catch up? I should watch some Jurassic World ride lore videos. Yeah. Just to make some sense of it. But yeah, so I rode it, got on real quick, got off, got a duff beer from Simpsons Land. I got a churro, a strawberry shortcake churro.

Wow. From Strawberry Shortcake Land? Strawberry Shortcake herself. Yeah. No, this is a churro. I did not know that there were non-churro churros. Me neither. There's different kinds of churros now.

There's kinds of churros that have stuff in the middle. Is that what you're talking about? A cream churro or a chocolate in the middle churro? Yeah, so this was a churro. I said there was three churros. Well, there's four churros, one being a standard churro. There was a chocolate churro, a coconut churro,

which sounded really good. It does sound nice. But it sounds pretty good. Have you ever had banana? No. Where do you get a banana churro? It left a sinner, but it sounds pretty good. Have you ever had banana? No. Where do you get a banana churro? Fuck if I know, man. Oh, sorry, man. I'm just trying to guess. I really threw a monkey wrench into this. How appropriate.

The wrench is a monkey wrench, and the banana... Oh, anyway. Yeah. You know what I was getting at. Yeah, monkey stuff. Yeah, sure. So you get the strawberry shortcake churro as the third? So what they do... So I ordered the strawberry shortcake churro as the third? So what they do, so I ordered the strawberry shortcake churro.

Is the churro made of short, see, because here's the part. All these things that we're describing are either a churro with a special sauce or a churro with a filling that could be the special sauce. You dip a churro in chocolate anyway. Maybe you're dipping it into your champurrado, but you're dipping it in a chocolate thing anyway, or you're dipping it in a caramel or whatever. And then you put them in the middle like it was a cream

donut. That makes sense. But did this have strawberry sugar on it? I'll walk you through my... All those categories... All those categories are still a classic churro, just slightly modified. It's still got your cinnamon sugar on the outside. It's still a deep fried dough.

Yes. So I asked for the strawberry shortcake churro. Right. It's 9.30 a.m. Right. And you've already had one beer. And I'm already down half a beer, too. Solo rider.

Wow, dude. I love that this is all before 10. Yeah. too. Solo rider! Wow, dude. I love that this is all before 10. Yeah. The churro lady takes out a churro, a standard looking churro, and rolls it in

red dust. Oh, that's great. And at that point I was a little disappointed. I kind of thought what I was getting was maybe a little bit, you know, I'm like, oh, okay, I see what they're doing. These are just different dusts you can make. I mean, you're just getting a different dust. And I like that there's dust options. You wanted something more like a cronut.

Yeah. Where it's half churro, half strawberry shortcake. And again, maybe I have unreasonable expectations for. And I don't know if they flay and blend her. I do feel like that's a tall order for Universal Studios. I mean, no, you know. No, of course. Well, here's what happened. I get this churro, and I'm feeling maybe a little like, Universal Studios. I mean, no, you know. No, of course. Well, see, well, here's what happened.

I get this churro, and I'm feeling maybe a little like, okay, this has been, sure, this has been, you know, this is a 9 out of 10 day. It was going to be 10 out of 10, but this is still going to be pretty good. I buy it into the thing. There's strawberry filling inside. Oh, yeah. And a strawberry dust. Right. This thing is so fucking good.

This is so good. I couldn't believe how good it was. And it's 9 a.m. You're getting the first batch. Did you think back to- I probably still would have been good at five, but the 9 a.m. churro was so good. Did you think back to the conversation that I perpetrated last week about how bad the food was at theme parks?

And just munch on that and just think, yeah, fuck you, buddy. We've never been anti-churro. We've never been anti-churro. I win. You've never been anti-churro. No, God no. No. But I will say that as good as a churro is that you buy at the ballpark or the out-of-the-fryer churro,

like the baked churro that you buy from a person who's got a bucket full of churros on the subway train or that you buy from – like I said, at the ballpark or the basketball game or whatever. That churro is very good. That's a tasty item. But when it's hot out of that giant vat of boiling oil, have you ever had that kind of churro? No. I can't even picture this. So you just picture like a giant copper cauldron.

And it's filled with oil and they're resting in there ready to go? No, no. There's like a pastry bag and it goes and it sploots churro in there and then they chop it with a, and it sploots a churro in there, and then they chop it with a knife.

Whoa. And it plops in like a turd in a toilet bowl, fries up gorgeous. They flip it out, drop it in the dust, hand it to you in a piece of paper. One of the best foods there is. That sounds amazing. It's a dinner and a show. The other thing about it is the smallest order you can do is like $3 and it's like 74 churros. It's the only thing they sell.

What am I going to do with all these fucking churros? Throw them at the Chris Pratt robot. Yeah. Yeah. Give them to your friends in the solo rider line. Like, I have literally gone to the churro guy and bought the smallest amount of churros I was allowed to buy and had too many churros for my family of five. Wow. I don't know. It's like 12.

I don't know. Anyway. Anyway. Strawberry shortcake churro. Wow. Surprise goo inside. Mm-hmm. Awesome.

Got on Jurassic Park, rode it again, went home. Man. Pretty good day in the solo rider line. And this all happened before 11 a.m. and you were drunk the whole time. Yeah, yeah. I had a nice buzz on. Blackout drunk. Certainly.

I heard what you said. Yes, exactly. Yeah, you drove drunk. It was a nightmare. Yeah, I bought the photo of me on the ride. They take your picture on the, you know the flume when you're coming down. And yeah, I am asleep and covered in vomit. Red vomit.

This is an impressive morning. Yes. Not just in terms of achievement, but in terms of I had to sit. When I went to see that Quentin Tarantino movie, it was a 1.30 showing at my favorite movie theater, the Vista in Hollywood, California. And I had to spend the time from 8 a.m. when my kids went off to school

to 1.30 p.m. talking myself into being able to go to that movie by myself. This is like all I did between that time was like, you can do this. You can go to a movie by yourself. You're going to enjoy this movie. It's a matinee.

It's going to be reasonably priced. It's a comfortable theater. If you want, you can get Sour Patch Kids. There's a lot of leg room. There's no need for any sort of social panic. Yes. The people that go to the Vista tend to be nice people that just want to watch a movie in a nice theater. Not the type of people that are like, hey, buddy, get out of my fucking way or whatever.

Yeah, God, you look fucking lonely. The assholes at the Edwards say to you. Lonely prick. Are you alone, you fuck? Oh, man, you know what did happen to me once? One day, I was at the Santa Monica promenade and i was like taking the day off of work to get my oh yeah i was my car was in the shop and they were like come back in three hours and i was like what do i do and the simpsons movie was in the theaters and i looked up and it

just so happened that right on the promenade the simpsons movie was showing the perfect amount of time for me to kill and then go back to the so i went alone and i saw the simpsons movie middle of the day so there's barely anyone else in the theater was a perfect situation i got a huge popcorn huge soda i sat right in the middle like five or six rows back from the front oh my god it was heaven and then and then like five minutes or so before the movie was starting a woman probably about my age now in her mid-30s or 40s or something came in with two children, a boy that was very young who was like four or five, and then a girl who was 11 or 12. And they walked in and looked at me and just sort of stood still. And I looked at them, and then I just continued looking forward.

And then for some reason, they went down the aisle right behind me. And I'm the only person in this theater. They walked all the way over, and the little girl sat right behind me. And the mother goes, oh, honey, you don't want to sit behind that man. And this is literally what she said. She goes, no, I don't want to sit behind that man. And then ran. What?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And then she ran to the end of the aisle and stood there with her mother. And then they looked around and they picked some other seats and they watched the movie. Sure. Yeah. But there was something about the back of my head that terrified that little girl.

Yeah. I think when you are men of our sort. Yeah. And you are alone. Yes, you are a threat. Reasonably. Middle of the day, holding a huge, I don't even think they sell a popcorn this size. You know what I mean? I was like, give me that.

And it was like dusty. Popcorn is the churro man, Mick. Totally. There is by my house, like the block before my block is a like 40 degree angle hill like an incredibly steep hill and at the top of it is a big apartment building and there's no sidewalks on this block it's a real narrow kind of little street and always always going up this hill are like pregnant ladies old women with their gross carrying their groceries by hand and i'll turn onto the street in my car and every time my instinct is like i'll just give you a ride up to hell like i'm going there anyway. Get in, you know. Yeah. And I had to like – I had to bring my wife into it.

I said, Teresa, is there any – like because every time I have that instinct to just be like, get in the car. I'll drive you up the hill with your groceries. I'll drop you in front of your door. I'm going that way anyway. Yeah. And because I know these little old ladies, they're not – the grocery bags aren't full of knives or whatever. Right. And I said to my wife, is there any context where I can do this?

Any context at all where I can offer this service because it would make me feel better about the fact that I'm driving up in a station wagon and they're an old lady with four heavy bags of groceries. My wife said, absolutely not. Under no circumstances are you to offer to anyone that you can give them a ride up the hill because you definitely appear to be ready to kidnap anyone that gets in your way. Even though it's just a station wagon. It's just a station wagon.

It's not a van. No, it's not like a panel van. Yeah. The car has windows. But she's probably right. Yeah. It probably seems like I was offered a ride one time walking down Adams Boulevard near USC, and it was a woman probably 15, 20 years my senior, and that was terrifying. Yeah.

Granted, she was pushyy and that's what was scary. She was like, hey, get in the car. I'll give you a ride. And I was like, no, I'm good. And she was like, come on, get in the car. You can hang out with me. Get in the car. And I was like, no, thank you. You can hang out with me. Well, why didn't you say so? What are we going to do? Play N64?

I think I shared this on Jordan Jessico many years ago, but when I was maybe in like fourth or fifth grade, I would take the bus to school, like the regular, the city bus. And there were two buses, one of which went, made a turn and drove an extra three blocks or so to drop off right in front of my school. And one of which didn't make that turn and dropped off at the intersection and a couple blocks from my school. And one day I was at that corner and I had a bus pass. I had just gotten off the 14 mission and I see turning the corner, the 49 Van Ness mission. That's the one that would drive me the final three blocks.

I see. So I'm running, I book it for the bus. Guess what cuts me off? Fucking fire truck. Fire truck pulls into the bus stop for some reason. And the bus, the 49, doesn't stop. And I'm like, oh, man, now I have to walk there. Now, the firemen, they see this.

And they say, oh, geez, nine-year-old boy, we're sorry. Did we just make you miss your bus? And I'm like, yeah, it's okay, though. And they're like, well, hey, get on, and we'll drive you down the block. It's no problem. And I said, no, thank you. What the, why the fuck did I say no, thank you? I could ride on a fucking fire truck.

Not only would you have ridden on a fire truck, and that would have been fun, you would have rolled up to school in a fire truck and all your friends. You would have been the hero of the school. You'd be a different person today. Can I tell you this? Old fire truck Thor. I had a buddy to go to see once upon a time in Hollywood. I was at the – now as an adult, as an adult man, I was at the gas station maybe a year or so ago.

And I was putting gas in my car. And a bus pulls into the bus stop, and the door opens, and the driver yells, hey, Jesse Thorne. Whoa. And I'm like, yeah, I'm Jesse Thorne. He's like, keep up the good work or something. And I'm like, thanks, bus driver. This is like the most esteemed member of the community in my world by far is a nice bus driver that's incredible nice bus driver grace and i think when you're a kid there are the like when you're kind of learning about the world of

grown-ups yeah like bus driver is definitely someone they introduce you to early like in the richard scary books oh yeah like there's the i mean bus Driver is such a classic grown-up. Yes. It is like Fireman, Bus Driver, Policeman. Yeah. Janitor. Janitor's a big one. I was in a children's chorus.

And this was recently? Yeah, this was just recently. My voice changed four weeks ago. Wow. I was what's called a man soprano. Oh, yeah. Totally. And I was in a children's chorus, and we would take that 49 And if we were lucky, the driver would be this one driver who had a beautiful mustache and always wore the Muni buses in San Francisco are the uniforms are brown.

Right. The driver's uniforms are brown. And he would wear his brown uniform looking like a million dollars. And he had a little mustache and he wore a beret and the beret was like there was a few different headgear options and you didn't have to wear headgear with this uniform it was unusual to see someone in the beret but it was a real you know it's a muni beret can i tell you for some reason right now i'm picturing jean-claude van damme right a little bit more like billy d williams i would say if I was going to compare him to a celebrity

I would say Billy D. Williams he was doing the splits though in a brown suit if you imagine Billy D. in a brown suit in a beret that's who it was that's your Van Damme pull interesting I can do some blood sport

I'm not judging I think it not judging. I just think it's interesting. It's interesting. Mine is JCVD because I like self-aware movies. I haven't seen that yet. Okay. I'm a cop till I die. Sorry. That's a good one.

You know how they did a lot of, I think a lot of buses don't have these anymore because you just have to pay with a card. But you know the fare box where you drop the coins in and the driver can see and then they hit a bar and it drops in. Yes. He would put his hand over the top of that fare box when we kids were getting on. No way. Wouldn't let us pay.

You know what that is, baby? That's five now and laters right there. Fucking five now and laters. Buy those on your way into chorus. Man, what a dream, too, as a bus driver, to be able to do that for kids and know they're going to get some candy later. He knew. Yeah, he fucking knew. And he just did it because he's that kind of guy.

Yeah. You know, it's like a good priest. But I think it set a bad precedent because now you trust men in berets. That's true. You should not. Any children listening. Okay, it's hot in here. Let's take a quick break.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dave Ross, the only person here. That's true. Jesse and I died five years ago. It's true. This is a haunted podcast.

It's true. Maybe that's our hook, haunted podcast. Oh, yeah. There aren't a lot of podcasts hosted by ghosts. No, there's not. Or maybe there are podcasts that ghosts listen to, but we just don't know about them because we're alive. Oh, yeah, they're on another spectral plane. Absolutely.

Interesting. Interesting. Jordan? Yes? Can I pitch you an alternate hook? Sure. Two heterosexual, cisgender, white guys. Love it already.

Who are somewhat nerdy, but don't have any particular specific interests that other people share. And then they just, there's no topic, really. Mmm. It's a zephyro.

And sometimes Steve Agee is there. I love it. And they've all been dead for years. And it's haunted. Congratulations to Steve Agee for becoming Shark Man of the movies. Sure. From the movie Suicide Squad. Right, yeah.

Wait, what? He became a shark man. This is public information now. It's on all the movie blogs that Steve Agee is going to be King Shark in the new Suicide Squad. No way. Yeah. That's so cool. What?

I love him. That's great. Yeah, good for him. Yeah. That's so cool. What? I love him. That's great. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah. He's going to be great. I mean, I thought he was already great as Prince Regent Shark. Right.

Yes. But he's stepping up in the world. The old man's gone. Yeah. The old King Shark was shot. Right. Well, there's a coup. There was a shark coup led by his son, Steve Agee.

It's really dramatic. Yeah, this is a fucking Kim Jong-un situation. Yeah. Fucking killing uncles left and right by having two Malaysian women blow neurotoxins on them at an airport in Taiwan or whatever. And to think it all started when he tried stand-up comedy. Right. Nowup comedy. Now Shark Week has changed forever. That's right. Now it's Steve Agee Week.

Steve Week. Yeah. Hashtag it's Steve Week. Everybody's favorite week. We celebrate Steve. All the Steves in the world. From Agee to Seagal. Yeah. I wish I knew a Steve that has last name started with Z, but I don't.

You know, if someone named Steve smells blood, they relentlessly try to kill you. That's the thing they don't tell you about. Zissou. Yes, the fictional character. Yes, from AG to Zissou. Hashtag Steve Week. Jordan. Jordan. Yes.

We mentioned on the way into this, on the way out of the last segment, how insufferably hot it is in our recording studio right now. That's because it's still summer, baby. And you can celebrate this beautiful time of year by going to maxfunstore.com and picking up some merch from the Summer Boys of Summer Tour. I feel like the fact that I made strawberry ice cream for my family is kind of a summer boy activity. Absolutely. I'm really bad at summer boy. I mean, I'm not a natural summer boy like you are, Jordan. No, it's true.

I'm a real shumka when it comes to summer. Oh, yeah. I really struggle with it. Right. You know, not everybody can have this 9 a.m. churro lifestyle. I get it. But you can aspire to it. That's why I'm here. I basically.

To present an aspirational figure for you, the listener. I basically had to fucking Tony Robbins myself in a mirror just to get over to the Vista for a 1.30 show. You know what I just realized, too? Your perfect morning that was truly perfect, by the way. Don't let what I'm about to say detract from that. It was also very branded. You had you went to the Universal Studios, the Jurassic

Park ride. You had a duff beer and a strawberry shortcake churro. Yeah, you drove there in your aqua fresh van. Oh, man. Just a corporate show. You were wearing vans. Oh, man. I should have been stapling zines. working for Food Not Bombs.

Who am I? Who have I become? You should have been blowing up banks, man. I should have been blowing up banks. Remember when you had that roommate who drove an energy drink vehicle? Oh, yeah, sure. The one that is shaped like it has a giant energy drink on the back like it was a rocket pack. Yeah, my first L.A. roommate.

Can we not say the name of this energy drink? I don't remember. It's Red Bull, isn't it? Yeah, it was a Red Bull, and it was like a Hyundai mini truck or something that they would put a giant Red Bull in the back. Yeah, it looked like a RAV4 got shot with a shrink gun. She was like one of those promo people. Yeah, my first L.A. roommate was just a Craigslist person. She was an energy drink promo worker.

I guess they just loan you the Hyundai. Yeah, she seemed to just drive the Hyundai to the grocery store. Wow. Good perk. Filling it up with monster. Oh, man, do you know this about Warped Tour? I was on Warped Tour one summer as a comedian, which I'm sure you could imagine. You were briefly in Less Than Jake, though, right?

Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah. I didn't play an instrument. I just skanked. Sure. You know, everyone loved it, but, you know, they can't afford to pay that guy anymore. I mean, I think there was back in the day when you had a ska band, you needed just a guy that danced. Yeah, to let them know how to dance.

People didn't know how yet. Yeah. Like, we're outside New Jersey. People don't know what to do. That's what Big Daddy Kane's sidekick, Big Scoob, did. Sure, yeah. During the early to mid-after Kane sort of, you know, after the whole thing with Madonna and Kane's career kind of fell apart, he actually was with the Mighty Mighty Bostones for a while. Oh, I didn't know this.

Okay. Also, Jerome from the time. Right, sure. A long line of an extra guy. Extra guys. Wow, I love an extra guy. Yeah. Jerome was not in, Jerome was actually in the St. Lunatics.

Oh, okay. Yeah, but they had a Scott period. Yeah. Didn't everyone? Well, now he's done country. We all did. So you were not a dancer. You were doing exactly what all of the snotty teens who attend the Warped Tour want, which is a stand-up comedy set.

I was doing stand-up. All of them had their parents pay $55 for a ticket to come see me do Seven Minutes in the Dust. Right. Yeah, it was difficult. While My Chemical Romance is playing just on the horizon. Oh, man, it really was brutal. It truly was so difficult.

I bet. But, man, I don't know if you know this, but Monster Energy Drink sponsors the water. Well, they sponsor Warped Tour, and one of the things they do is they provide the water for the entire festival. But their stipulation for providing the water for the entire festival is it's all in Monster Energy Drink cans. Right. Cans that look exactly – So it looks like people are just in the 100 degree heat pounding energy drinks. Yeah.

And I'm pretty sure that several kids each year get like exposure or whatever. Right. Whatever sunstroke. They die of taurine poisoning from drinking too much energy drinks. In the general category, things people die from in football practices. Yes, exactly. In the music category, things people die from in football practice. Yes, exactly.

They're there with their parents to enjoy some Pierce the Veil or whatever other music I don't like. Band where one guy sings and one guy screams. Totally. You know what I just heard? There's a term for that in the community amongst musicians. Those bands where one of them is like, and the other one's like, that is called Good Cop, Bad Cop. Really?

Interesting. I just found this out. I remember like, I mean, so when I worked for Fuel TV, the Action Sports Network, we had to do like pieces from the Warped Tour. Oh, okay. I had been to the Warped Tour as a kid when, you know, the draw was rancid. Sure. Yes, same for me. I remember this era.

It was great. Dropkick Murphys. Yeah. Pennywise. Sure. Yeah. You guys both dated a Donna from the Donnas. Absolutely.

Sure, yeah. It was a sticking point for us for a while. It was tough. Yeah, right. That's why Dave and I will always be Donna's brothers. The two Donna's brothers over here. Yeah. And then I remember like, oh, I have to go back to the Warped Tour and like do pieces from it now.

I wonder what it's like. I'm like, oh. It's not the same. That's what it is. It's one guy singing and one guy screaming. It's that combined with some guitars that go chugga chugga. Sure. And also I found out that now, well, Warped Tour is dead now, but the year I did it was one of the last three or four years.

So you're the one who killed it. I was. Yeah. We're all having such a nice time. What's great about it, though, I mean, you're like, I understand your skepticism. Yeah. Is the screaming guy is just screaming at you. He is.

But the singing guy will go get you a Coke and a sandwich. He's nice to you. His voice is a hug right after the punch. Let's call your lawyer. Yeah. I found out the year I was on it, most of the main stage bands at Warped Tour, almost all of them were not playing. They were straight up not playing their music. It was a track playing a prerecorded thing, and they were going through the motions.

I would have been furious were I 16 and found that out. Absolutely. And so I made- They didn't want to rely on the sound system at the dog track. Yeah. You want to rely on the sound system at the dog track? Yeah. Nice.

Yeah. Can you believe that every city's Verizon amphitheater doesn't have a good PA? Yeah. Yeah. So I made very good friends and am still very good friends with this band that was on the tour that year, Pup. Oh, yeah. Pup's great. They're great.

They're great. And they're also great people. And at that point – That's their slogan, right? Great band, great people. Great band, great people. And that that point – That's their slogan, right? Great band, great people. Great band, great people. And that's why punks like them because of how sweet they are. Yeah. I haven't heard their music, but I've seen their advertisements in National Geographic.

Yes. Don't worry about what their music sounds like. They'll bake you bread. They make a nice warm coat. Their initial slogan was food, folks, and fun. Absolutely. The Yellowstone National Park of music. Right.

So they, just like I did, had a difficult time. Difficult time on Warped Tour because they weren't one of those big main stage bands everyone cared about. Their first record, it was funny because their first record had come out. They were at a point where they were selling out, you know, 500 cap rooms and stuff. But then they go on Warped Tour and 10 people are watching them. No one cares. It's bad. So one day I was sitting in their merch tent with them.

And I remember this so clearly. It was in Charlotte, North Carolina. And there was a band called New Year's Day that I don't remember what they sounded like, but I know that they looked like Cradle of Filth, if you know Cradle of Filth. But they sound- Can you give me a little context on this? Cradle of Filth, if you know Cradle of Filth. But they sound – Can you give me a little context on this? Cradle of Filth is like – I know how Big Daddy Kane looked in 1992, if that helps at all.

Like if Alice Cooper were shorter. Okay. Sure. But they were that, but a lot more trim looking. Like the lead singer was a very beautiful woman. They were younger. There was a lot of neon that they wore over their black boots and black T-shirts and stuff. So it was like a poppy version of black metal-ish stuff.

That's the ballpark. I don't really know. But yeah. So their fans. Not that black metal isn't already pretty poppy. Sure, yeah. It is. It's very hooky, hook-based music.

Taylor Swift got her start in black metal. No. Oh, yeah. And then she went a little country and now it's full-on pop music. Yeah. But there are still murder rituals. At Taylor Swift concerts. Do you hear this, by the way, that at the Fish show that's about to happen in Denver,

you're not allowed to camp because the prairie dogs around the venue carry plague? I have heard that. That rules. Joke's on you, prairie dogs. We've already got plague. We're going to die soon.

Yeah, so the New Year's Day was doing some sort of – Fish just come out with giant leather cones over their faces. Yeah, sorry, guys. Unlike most of our shows, we can't scratch today. So New Year's Day is doing some sort of signing, and people are, uh, lined up to get whatever was signed. And for whatever reason, their fans decided to line up in front of the entire line of merch tents for other bands blocking everyone's view. I thought it was crazy. I was like, I was like, I thought there was at least a modicum of punk rock feel here some sort of we're

in this together community diy thing but these kids were like nope fuck every band i haven't heard of i'm standing in front of them and blocking their view sure and so we're sitting in the pup tent and these kids are just blocking the tent and so we're just yelling at them that's fun yeah in the pup tent yeah uh it was pretty big, actually. That's the irony. And we were just yelling at him to buy pup albums and stuff. And at one point, this kid turns to us and he goes, oh, every day, every band on the tour got two cases of Monster Tour Water. And it really did look just like a Monster Energy Drink can,

but in small letters at the bottom it said Tour Water. And so these kids are like, hey, we'll buy a Pup album if you give us some of those monsters. And we were like, oh, those are just water. And the kid was like, what the fuck? That's bullshit, man. That's fucked up. And then Stefan, the lead singer of Pup, goes, also, monsters? Fucking gross, man.

Why do you want that stuff? And the kid goes, whoa, dude. You will get your ass kicked saying shit like that around here. Like, what? And then this kid's friend, his head pops around the corner and goes, what'd he fucking say? And the guy goes, they're talking shit about Monster and the kid goes, wow, you will get your ass beat saying shit like that around here.

Did he think that it was a company run by actual monsters? I don't know. Were they concerned about Frankensteins? Were the cast of Monsters, Inc.? Oh, sure. Or perhaps the Monstars from Space Jam. Yeah. Were they called the Monstars?

Yeah, the Monstars. I don't remember that. Those were the evil aliens from Space Jam. Yeah, so anyway, we fought those kids. What we were saying is that we have a lot of summer boy merchandise in the Max Fun Store. Yeah, maxfunstore.com. So you can get challenge coins, you can get posters, and you can get beach balls plus Monster Energy drinks that are full of water, which are also great for disaster relief. Oh, Monster Energy drink.

Them and Guy Fieri are saving everyone. Oh, yeah. God bless them. We owe it all to them. God, I wish I was a celebrity chef. I could just go and say, oh, I'm making jambalaya for all the disaster-ies. You could say that. You could do that.

Go make jambalaya. Nobody's do that. Go make jambalaya. Nobody's going to turn down your jambalaya. Make strawberry ice cream for everybody. Make strawberry, hand out ice cream. I need one of those gigantic copper cauldrons. Oh, yeah. I have to team up with the churro guys. Why?

Because you make churros? Sure. Damn. That's what people need in a disaster. Run up there and give them some churros. I mean, how much andouille do you think I have, Jordan? I don't know what your situation is. Well, I don't have that much andouille.

That's your private issue. I got a couple andouilles and some zatarain. Your sausage is your issue. I'm not going to pry. Okay, fair enough. Hey, we have some phone calls that our pal Brian has collected for us. People who have given us a call at 206-9844-FUN. Colleague Brian.

Colleague. Excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call Brian our friend. I don't want Brian to expect an invitation to my next birthday party. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-9844-FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Here's the first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and the guy who does the voice for Strong Bad.

This is Davey calling from Virginia with the Momentous Occasions. In celebration of Anal August, I wanted to let you guys know that after a great experience with a penguin-shaped clit-sucking vibrator I had bought, my wife yesterday went on a website and spent $200 on various sex toys to go in my butt, or our butts, and actually a thing that goes in to both of us at once, somehow, called a sharing vibrator. So yeah, I have you guys to thank for all the years of making me feel comfortable enough with these ideas that she got the idea to go get some stuff to peg me with which will be a new

experience for both of us. Keep it sleazy like Sunday morning. Bye. Dave, you look confused. You know what's funny is that I am, man, I'm so sex positive. I'm all in, dude. I'm all up for whatever makes people feel good and makes them feel like themselves.

And also, I think you should have let me know about Analogous. You know what? You know what? Dave, that is very fair. That is very fair. To be clear, we had one of those liability release signs at the door. That's true. Like when they're shooting a movie at the door. That's true. Like when they're shooting a movie at the mall.

It does say on the door, by entering this premises, you are agreeing to hear about anal. That's nice. And you know what? I'm glad it's not, strictly speaking, an anal device, but I'm glad that the clit-sucking vibrator gets a shout

out on the program. Yeah, absolutely. And that it was penguin-shaped. You know, our friend, Shani Chardin from Boing Boing, multiple-time past guest on Jordan Jessica, wrote a post about these vibrators on Boing Boing. I read it. I bought one. This thing works like a dream. Sucks the clit, huh?

Yeah. Okay. This is the – it's funny. Sucks the clit, huh? Yeah. Okay. This is the – it's funny. I just now, in that phone call, learned about both Analogist and the clit-sucking vibrator. Yeah.

And I guess – They're expensive. They're not cheap. I would imagine because it sucks and vibrates. Three digits. Yeah. Three digits. But worth it.

Whoa. How deep into the three digits are we? Not that deep into the three digits. Oh, okay. That's not that bad. What's the name of the insole that you buy? Yeah, this is the... Yes.

What is the name of that insole that I like so much? The Smash Mouth. Yes, exactly. This is the Smash Mouth vibrators. Well, yeah. If it sucks the clit and vibrates, I would imagine it's a little costly. It's cool that it's in the lower three digits. Yeah.

Dave, for your benefit, we celebrate a month we call Anal August. And people can use that month to either explore some new sexual possibilities or just any new possibility they like. It's a metaphor. Oh, I like that. I like that. And he took it on the nose, this scholar. Yeah, sure. Well, up the ass,. And he took it on the nose. Yeah, sure. Well, up the ass. Yes.

He took it up the ass. On the nose, up his ass. Most people we find are taking it very literally. But we don't want to restrict it to the anus. Because, again, we, like you, whatever you're into, if you're not into butt stuff, that's just fine. Sure. Now, I do have to say that when he said that his wife purchased for his family a his and hers machine. Yes. I immediately pictured them standing butt to butt.

But like bent over, like in a T shape, the two of them. With their butts connected by this machine. And that's a funny image. That's great. I mean, very sexy for me, but yeah. Sure, yeah. God, I'd love to be in a T. Wow, that's funny because I wasn't-

A sexual T. As you were describing it, I was thinking of it non-sexually for some reason. Right. I don't know why. It's like a cheerleading move. Yeah. They're not using the device. They It's like a cheerleading move. Yeah. They're not using the device. They're just bent over at a tee.

No. Because that's how they like to hang out. Like a high tee? Definitely not. Right. You get a little cucumber sandwich out of the deal. Nicer old gray. Okay.

Let's play another call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and a third person who is neither Jordan nor Jesse. Nailed it. I'm going to play a straight numbers game on this and guess that it's Steve Agee. Oh, blew it. Just statistically speaking, that's what I'm going to go with. R-S-T-L-N-E. I'm calling today with a momentous occasion.

I don't know if you can hear them in the background, but today I adopted three runner ducks. And I have not had runner ducks in a long time. I'm really excited to have these three. And many of my poultry and animals, I have a small farm of rescue animals. Many of our animals are named after different MaxFun entertainers and MaxFun affiliated people. So for example, I have three ducks that are Rowans and they're all brothers and they're called the Quackaroy brothers. And then I have three Pekin ducks and they are Sydney, Teresa and Rachel Quackaroy. I've got a couple of lizards that are named Ross and Carrie and a turtle named Tybee Diskin.

So you get the idea. But anyways, these three runner ducks that I got today, I'm naming them Jordan, Jesse, and Sunny D. And so that's what I wanted you guys to know, that now you have three runner ducks named after you. And they're kind of like the tall, skinny ducks. They're really, really adorable. I'll send you guys a picture. Anyway, so you have ducks named after you.

And that's my momentous occasion. Thank you for your wonderful podcast and all the good you do in the world. Keep doing it. Love you guys. Take care. That was wonderful. We got ducks we got our own ducks

am I Sonny D? you are now Brian go fuck yourself Dave Ross is the new Sonny D producer baby yep that's great I did you know maybe it was just kind of what we had been talking about but I when she was talking before she kind of explained the animal

angle of this I did hear the background and I'm like is she a warp tour is she listening to one band one of those bands where a guy sings and a guy screams that's a new wave you ever heard that's the new wave in heavy rock right it's a guy who sings like an angel like in a falsetto like smoky robinson right and then a distressed duck right Right. A duck that's upset. Actually, have you heard of the band? And I'm not kidding at all. They're called Hate Beak.

Do you know this band? Oh, they're the band where a bird sings. Yes. There's also K-9-us where a dog sings. And these are the same people who do this. Oh, really? It's the guys from Pig Destroyer. Oh. And they are vegan and animal rights activists.

And they bring animals into some songs. As evidenced by their band Pig Destroyer. Yes. I also was reading – It was a bit of a mixed message there. They – Hate Beak is their project of their animal bands. Also, I guess I could be wrong that it was their caninus, but I think I'm right. Anyway.

Sure. Hate Beak is the one that got biggest of those. And people – you should listen to it because it is just straight up death metal. And then a cockatiel goes, ah! It's crazy. So they don't tour it though because they think that the stress of touring would hurt the bird. Yeah. Oh, that's really considerate.

That's true. It's just like a recording project. Exactly, yes. I would tour but just catch a bird in each town, Make it do the show and then let it free. Right. Yes. It couldn't be someone who owns the bird in the town bringing it. You want to catch.

It has to be a car. And when I say let it free, let it free in the venue as the show is letting out. And everybody waves at it as it goes. Totally. Bye. And then the sitcom ends. Right. Yeah.

Credits roll. Hate beak. Brian, I don't know if we can see these duck pics anywhere, but duck pics, that's funny. Will you give the ducks- Hot duck pics. Don't send unsolicited duck pics. No. Give these duck pictures to Stacy and she'll post them on the MaxFun Instagram.

That would be great. Okay. I see these ducks. They're behind your shoulder. These are really lovely ducks. I think it makes sense for us to be runner ducks. We're certainly not fighter ducks.

You know what I mean? We're out of there. Very nice ducks. Very nice animals. Check out the social media for those. We'll post them. Thank you very much. Beautiful plumage. Yeah. Beautiful plumage. Just like us. We'll post them. Thank you very much. Beautiful plumage. Beautiful plumage, just like us.

We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan Jesse Guy. That's how we attract mates. Hi, I'm Dave Hill from Show Business. And while I'm Dave Hill from show business. And while I'm not from Canada, my grandfather Clarence Vincent Blake Sr. was, and he wouldn't shut up about it. My grandfather moved on to that great penalty box in the sky way back in the 80s.

Still, all these years later, I can't help but wonder, what do we really know about Canada and its people? Which is why my friend Chris Gersbeck and I decided to make So You're Canadian. Brand new podcast from the Maximum Fun Network, on which I attempt to get to know our neighbors to the north, one Canadian at a time. Coming to Maximum Fun, August 27th. And I'm not sorry. Listen, I'm a hot shot Hollywood movie producer.

You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea. Go. Alright, it's called Who Shot Ya? A movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes. I'm Ify Whiteyway, the new host of the show and a certified BBN. BBN? Buff Black Nerd. I'm Alonzo Doraldi, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies.

I'm Drea Clark, a loud white lady from Minnesota. Each week, we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry. It's like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner meets Cruising. And if if it helps seal the deal i can flex my muscles while we record each episode i'm sorry this is a podcast i'm a movie producer how did you get in here iffy quick start flexing bicep lats chest who shot you dropping every friday on maximumfund.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Dave Ross. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi, Dave. I panicked. What's happening, Big D? I didn't let it flow. I didn't improvise. I just had a panic attack. Pretty good nickname. Hello. Dave, you've got a brand new comedy record album. I absolutely

do. Is this something that people can listen to if they're interested? Like, let's say they listen to you on Jordan Jesse Cole. They said, you know, this Dave Ross seems like a funny guy. I should check out his work. You know, I'm excited that you brought this up because they can. Oh, okay. They absolutely can.

It's streaming on the services, Spotify and Apple Music. You can also buy it on Bandcamp and iTunes and Amazon. And also I wanted to do something a little more special than putting out a CD or a tape. So I made a 150-page two-way flipbook that you can buy out of art that my friends made. And I don't know. I sort of make flipbooks using my Instagram stories. It's hard to explain unless you've seen it. So if you want a physical copy of the album, you buy that and it comes with a digital

download and all of those versions of the album are collected together on a website I made, which is sex.guns.beer. So just go to sex.guns.beer. Easy to remember. Yeah. Yeah. So Dave, you're telling us you're selling your record album in the form of a flip book made with art that your friends made. Yes.

I also wrote a story in the book. And you're also telling us that you're some kind of punk rock guy. The pieces just aren't adding up. Well, you know, I think it was time that punk rock had a flip book. Yeah. Right. Sure. The world's first punk flip book yeah it's

just photos of dead people that's way punker than i expected it to be if you just get a copy of the basketball diary okay that's what gg allen autopsy photos yeah yeah yeah yeah why the flip book is yeah an ever increasingly large pile of shit. Yeah. MaxFunStore.com is where you can get the Summer Boys of Summer merchandise as well as some other Jordan Jesse Go merchandise. Yeah. A few Tuppies t-shirts left. Got some tees up there.

A lot of fun stuff. MaxFunStore.com. It's a nice store. Very nice store. One of my faves. I would say number one for me, got to be Neiman Marcus. Sure, yeah. Number two. This is jazz piano.

Number two is going to be Kohl's. Do they play jazz piano in Neiman Marcus? I think they play classical piano in Nordstrom. Right. That's for sure. Neiman Marcus is a little more for hep cats. Past Jordan, yes, you go guest Brent Weinbach was a pianist in Nordstrom in San Francisco. How about that?

Wow, is that true? Yeah, that's absolutely true. Did not make that up. Wow. He's got a lot of colorful life. Yeah, absolutely. I've only ever been to Nordstrom Rack where they just play elevator music. You know, I don't know.

I was in Nordstrom Rack recently. I heard the song Brand New Jones by Thick, by Robin Thick. I really liked that song. I was happy to hear it. I was lying about the elevator music in Nordstrom Rack. No. Well, there you go. It was a joke that fell flat.

Well, that was a true anecdote about me hearing a song I liked. Fun. So we're having a great time. We're having a fucking good old time all around. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for JordanJesseGo.

You can find us on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. Dave, you on that Twitter? Oh, yeah. At Dave to the Ross. D-A-V-E-T-O-T-H-E-R-O-S-S. Oh, it's funny. It's got like an urban twist. Absolutely.

Yeah. You got that from your social media intern, Big Scoob? Yes. Yeah. He was like, you got to add some flavor to your name. This Dave Ross thing isn't working. I hope I'm right that the name of that guy that danced for Big Daddy Kane was Big Scoob because otherwise I'm going to get a series of at messages from, I guess, probably from

Big Scoob. I don't know. Something tells me you'll get messages no matter what. Yeah. Either Big Scoob will be excited that you got it right or he'll be mad that you got it wrong. Listen, based on the conversation in this episode, we're all getting ats no matter what. Okay? We're all getting ats.

Totally. Can I just say this, though? Jerome. Come on, Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah, get in here. Jerome, you're invited. Get in here. Bring the mirror, baby. Okay. we're all getting nats totally can I just say this though Jerome come on Jordan Jesse Goff yeah get in here Jerome you're invited get in here bring the mirror baby

sure okay we will talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Goff MaximumFun.org comedy and culture

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