Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 60: Age 27 Season

Episode Date: April 28, 2008

Jesse and Jordan discuss turning 27, eating at Applebees, and other topics that are so boring they stop being boring, become briefly interesting, then lapse back into being boring.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dumm, fiddly, palm tree. This week, I prepare for my breakout season

and Jordan Morris' boy detective visits Applebee's for the very first time. Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan morris boy detective jordan do you have any idea right now look at me in the eyes do you know what we're about to enter well um judging by my increased desire to mate i'm gonna guess the age of aquarius no jordan it's not the age of Aquarius. It's my age 27 season. Wow, your 27th summer you're going into.

No, specifically, it's my age 27 season. It's when I'm most likely to have a breakout year. Oh, yeah? Yeah, absolutely. Is that some sort of baseball thing? It's a baseball thing. You're familiar with the work of sabermetrician Bill James, right? Boy, aren't I? Yeah, exactly. He was my favorite Mongol horde leader, right? I think you're

confusing him with a different Bill James. Okay. That's Bill James the Elder. Oh, right. No, here's what it is, Jordan. I just turned 27 years old, Jordan. Yeah. Baseball players, false baseball players. Well, we'll talk about it. Okay. Baseball players. And in my estimation, men in general enter their peak year when they're 27 years old. Okay. I'm going to hit, isn't that when like Jimi Hendrix and everybody died? Isn't that the popular death year? Yeah, maybe. Sure. I believe that I may die, but I'm not an artist. I'm a baseball player. like jimmy hendrix and everybody died isn't that the popular death year yeah maybe sure i believe that i may die yeah but i'm not an artist i'm a baseball player oh right yeah i'm gonna what's gonna happen jordan is i'm gonna start turning doubles into homers okay and balls are gonna

start finding the gaps you know what i mean jordan a lot of people will tell me jesse you're a you're a punch and judy hitter too. Too many Texas leaguers. But I'm going to start driving the ball to the gaps, and I'm going to start turning doubles into homers by turning around on the fastball. And other baseball things. Exactly. Plus, I'm on the roids. So I'm juicing up.

Yeah. I got the power that I need. Juicing up. Yeah, absolutely. Pete Rose. Jordan, your knowledge of baseball is as deep as it is wide yeah oh man well we got a lot of cool stuff coming up on uh jordan jesse go this jesse bono's birthdays right bono's birthdays you You got it, Jordan. You got it. Baseball.

Leg it. Strike her to the line. Absolutely. Original Game Boy game. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, eat in Amherst, Massachusetts, and you don't actually know exactly where Amherst is relative to the quality inn that you're staying in. Right. You might know the location of the campus, for example, but you wouldn't necessarily know the location of the town.

Sure. And you want to do some dining. Right, which I did. I mean, I was on vacation. When you're on vacation, you should treat yourself. Exactly. You should treat yourself like the king or queen that you are. Absolutely. And what you want to do is you're looking for a place that really expresses, you're looking for a place to eat that expresses the spirit of the place you're visiting. Yeah. Something that you've never done before. For instance, when you're in Philadelphia,

you get a famous cheese steak with Cheez Whiz on it. Exactly. If you're in San Francisco, you're looking for one of those, you're looking for like a Del Taco. Sure. You know what I mean? You're looking for some place where you can get something that is classic. Right.

You know what I'm saying, Jordan? I mean, the world has become so homogenized. If you're in Washington, D.C., you're looking for Abraham Lincoln. Mm-hmm. You know, the 16th president of the United States. You want to eat a big Lincoln. You want to eat the 16th president. You just want to eat a big slice of Lincoln.

He freed the slaves, Jordan. And you were in Amherst. And he has kind of a beefy taste. Yeah, it's kind of nice beefy. Yeah, very masculine. Right. What did you end up eating in Amherst, Massachusetts? Well, I went to Applebee's for my first time.

Applebee's? Applebee's. You've never been to Applebee's before? No, you know. You thought you're in the neighborhood. You might as well eat good. Right. As long as I'm in the neighborhood. Sure. I don't want to eat bad in the neighborhood. No might as well eat good. Right. As long as I'm in the neighborhood.

Sure. I don't want to eat bad in the neighborhood. No, not at all. I'll eat good. Yeah, I mean, Orange County, where I grew up, definitely has its share of chain restaurants, of kind of goofy family restaurants. I've eaten at many of them when visiting my grandmother. Sure.

You know, and of which I'm a fan. It's kind of a guilty pleasure, but I definitely enjoy once in a while a good Bloomin' Onion, a good appetizer sampler platter. Yeah, I really like occasionally going to a Chili's, getting some spinach artichoke dip, one of their classic margaritas served in their Chili's Fun Goblet. Yeah, absolutely. It's one of the best goblets around. Yeah, and then boom, you drop $10 on a solid burger.

It's been a good day. Yeah, you bet. You bet your buttons. So I'm like, Applebee's. You know, like this is going to – I've never been to an Applebee's. I'm like, I'm kind of a fan of this kind of thing. Why not? Let's go nuts.

Sure, absolutely. I went to Applebee's. Decor was as expected. Yeah expected yeah colorful chili's-esque colorful fun welcoming did it suggest uh did it suggest good times to you yeah absolutely did it suggest good friends and traveling salesmen sure um i was really pleased to see that uh their famous steak only cost $11. That's just about the same price as the famous baseball steak right here in Los Angeles at the HMS Bounty. Yeah, right?

I love that famous baseball steak. You figure if this is another famous steak. I'm going to like this. I'm going to like this Applebee's steak. It's in the same price range. Right, absolutely. Sure, absolutely. I'm right there with you.

It comes with vegetable and potato. Well, that's what you're looking for. It's a nice rounded meal, Jordan. Absolutely. It's a classic American meal. You go to Applebee's. You get yourself the famous, well, I guess it's not a famous baseball steak, so it can't be that good.

It's the famous Applebee's, you know, skillet griller or something like that. Yeah, sure, the skillet griller. But it's their signature dish. Yeah, absolutely. They actually invented steak. Did you know that steak didn't exist before Applebee's? No. Yeah.

When did Applebee's come around? The 1500s? No. Applebee's opened, the first Applebee's opened in 1972. Okay. Before that, people would eat a stir fry with potatoes and vegetables in it that had some sliced beef. Right.

But they wouldn't eat- But the idea of a larger slice of beef right it was a holdover from things on the side the depression when people couldn't afford a whole chunk of beef they could only afford it if it was separated into smaller pieces sure if it's if it's in smaller pieces it's less expensive sure but then the you know the carter administration came on america got a little more cynical yeah absolutely like hell let's just eat a big fucking piece of beef you got it you got it ace anyway so uh i don't want i don't want this whole show to be just be some kind of history lesson no of course not that's why you tune

into dan carlin's hardcore history yeah exactly this isn't you're here for entertainment yes we could do as good a job yeah dan carlin. Sure, there's a bit of... Providing you with hardcore history. Sure, we've talked a little bit about history in today's program, but we're not force-feeding it to you. It's part of the entertainment package. You're going to learn a little bit about the Mongol hordes. You're going to learn about America's 16th president. You're going to learn about Jimmy Carter,

who was president of the United States in 1973. Sure. And certainly wasn't elected in 1976. Absolutely not. You're going to learn all kinds of great stuff, but it's not like eating a bran muffin. It's like eating a blueberry muffin. You're like, what's this?

I ate a little bran accidentally. You know what this is like? This is watching the movie National Treasure and National Treasure Book of Secrets back to back. Exactly. You're having fun. Nicolas Cage is very good looking. Yeah, I'm Nicolas Cage.

He's making realistic faces. Yeah, I'm Nicolas Cage. He's making realistic faces. Yeah, I mean. Faces that a man would make. Sure, he's not balding at all. Absolutely not. And he definitely hasn't had any work done. No, certainly not. And he's definitely not having a hard time looking directly into the camera.

Or making eye contact with anyone sure um man nicholas cage movies the trailers for nicholas cage movies look like parody trailers to me they look like the trailers during grindhouse at this point there's one called bangkok dangerous. Bangkok Dangerous? He's got this crazy wig. He's... Even crazier than the one he normally wears. Right, yes. He's saving Asian prostitutes and firing two guns at once. Well, there you go.

What I like about... I'll tell you what I like about that fella. Yeah. He's so weird, but for some reason he's a movie star in movies yeah it's strange it's like why why i mean i know he's like a coppola or whatever right right but like that no he should have used that up a long time right i mean you you you get your first movie yeah get your moonstruck yeah exactly because you're a coppola but ghost rider that comes with pure talent yeah and i mean he's not that he's a bad actor, but he's...

No, he's been in some good movies. He's been in some great movies. He's been good in good movies. Yeah. But he's so weird. He's totally weird. He's not handsome, really. Yeah.

Do you know any women who find him attractive? I don't know. If you're a woman out there, you find Nicolas Cage attractive. Give us a call and let us know what it is exactly. Maybe it's the squinting? Yeah. It's the mugging. Women like men who can mug.

Well, you know, we've been talking a lot of mess about Nicolas Cage, but you've got to admit, put him in a comedy and he shines. Absolutely. Because he's a weirdo. Because he's kind of creepy. We were talking about Applebee's. Oh, so it's Applebee's. Oh, so it's Applebee's. Ten bucks.

Famous Applebee's steak. I'm riding high on the hog. And you know what? It sucked. It fucking sucked. It was like a piece of ham. It was like a pan. It was like a skillet fried piece of ham.

Wait, like a piece of ham? Yes, with some kind of squishy carrots on the side. Now, what does ham have to do with this steak that was what i was thinking as i was salty as a piece of ham super salty was it kind of red color absolutely yeah and then the grill marks looked artificial they looked like they were maybe drawn on in some kind of factory with some grill pen they use a grease pen yeah grease pen you just use grease makeup. Now that there's no more silent movies, the grease paint that used to go into silent movies now goes into Applebee's to make grease marks on the pen. What about your customer service experience?

It was great. Did it suggest big fun to you? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. The server was a, you know, seemed to be a 17-year-old, you know, high school senior or high school dropout. And she was very sweet and informed us that the steak was her favorite menu item. You ask what her favorite menu item was? No, once I ordered the steak, she's like, oh, that's my favorite. Do you think she's required to tell you that? You ramped me up even more for the steak.

Do you think she was obligated by the rules of her career to tell you that whatever you ordered was her favorite item on the menu? Maybe. You were there with a friend. What did your friend order? It seemed. Did everyone have the steak? It seemed genuine, her love of the steak. Really?

Yeah. She seemed absolutely sincere. Absolutely. I mean, I bought it. Do you think she was a student at UMass Amherst? Didn't seem like the college type. I mean, that could be a gross generalization on my type. What are you saying?

Did not seem college bound. Based on what? Poor teeth? Dead eyes. Dead eyes. Dead eyes. Yeah. Gotcha. The eyes are a window into the soul.

Sure. And all you saw when you looked through those eyes was the grill marks on an Applebee's stick. Exactly. Wow. It wasn't even, there was nothing to recommend it. No, absolutely not. And I will, if anyone wants to talk chilies i can i have a top five chilies menu items uh i i have a couple tgi fridays burgers i'm very fond of you know what

is not a food snobbery thing i just want to say that this is not one time i went to uh outback steakhouse yeah um oh they have a good they have like a salty green bean. They used to have this. That they'll give you. They used to play this song during every Giants game, like five times in the Giants game, this radio commercial with a song that went, Outback Steakhouse, Outback Steakhouse from the land down under. And there was this one lyric that went, When the boomerang go, it come back.

You will too, Out out back so you're like so i was excited gave in i was totally stoked well i was on a business trip this was when i was still when i still had a regular job i was on a business trip it was my first ever business trip i was there with my boss sure so she and i are having dinner together right we went to the out back steakhouse and it was liberating to know, here I am on a business trip. I don't have another choice. There was no other choice besides Outback Steakhouse. It was Outback Steakhouse or nothing. Maybe we could get some food from the dry fruit stand by the side of the road. We were in some weird place in Central California. And there was a liberating feeling to

think, sure, sure, maybe a Bloomin onion has 3 000 calories sure you know what i mean but i'm not paying for it i can just buy that shit absolutely i can buy anything on the menu that i want yeah i can buy two of anything that i want you can expense it i'm in vasalia you know what i mean i can do whatever the fuck i want they owe it to me yeah you can punch the hostess yeah exactly just punch her right in the solar plexus take her wind down yeah you know what i'm saying i did do that it's funny you're sure it is on the company's dime i punched the shit out of that dinner drinks punches all on the company dime you can expense it save your receipt save

your receipt for the punch tape it to a piece of paper. Turn it into accounting. Six weeks, you get a check back for the punch. The cost of the punch. Exactly. I had to put it on my credit card at the time, but that's fine. I get points. I get miles. You know what I mean? You can save up for free punches. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is there is a certain

liberation one feels when one goes to the chain restaurant yeah uh without any obligation or expectation sure but it is not the same feeling one gets when one realizes one is paying for one's meal at the chain restaurant you know what though i when i was about 11 years old i went on a trip with my dad an ill-fated trip with my dad across the country to visit uh baseball games okay um and this is like what you were going to like all the ballparks yeah all the all the different ballparks what great dad son thing to

do oh you would think uh it was didn't work out that well i mean the ballparks worked out well the dad son part was it was not an ideal time in my life. Maybe if I'd gone when I was nine instead of 11. But anyway. A lot happens in those two years, you know? Yeah, you know,

it's a lot of changes happen to your body for one thing. You become aware of things. Yeah, like the fact that children can act like dicks

if they want to. Sure. You know, and that's how you assert yourself. We went across the country with this idea, and the idea we had early on in this trip was, well, if we go somewhere where there's a choice between,

you know, we're eating sandwiches and stuff much of the time, but when we're eating out, if you go somewhere... You pack sandwiches? Yeah, we had, like, a cooler in the back of the car, you know. We'd stop, you know, every other day and get some lunch meats or whatever, put them in the cooler. But we're not a rich family, Jordan, you know. No, no, no. We have this idea if there's a choice... You're not pulling through McDonald's once a day. No, sir. You don't have that kind of... No, I don't have that kind of scratch. I'm not bathing in money, Jordan. I'm not some kind of

heiress. No, you're no celeb-utant. Well, I am a celeb-utant. Oh, are bathing in money, Jordan. I'm not some kind of heiress. No. You're no celeb-u-tant. Well, I am a celeb-u-tant. Oh, are you? Yeah, absolutely. That way I can see your vagina? Yeah, exactly. That's why I only wear Versace. We had the idea where if there was a choice between a chain restaurant and a not a chain restaurant.

Right. We would go to the not a chain restaurant until we went to some of the not a chain restaurants across America. You'd think it's the local like it has to be OK because it survived when Outback Steakhouse moved in or whatever. Yeah. It's an institution. There's probably some there's some nice. It was the first time I ever saw the appeal of eating at Denny's. Right.

Like, the food at Denny's blows. Sure. All the food sucks. There's two reasons you would go there. One is it's 3 o'clock in the morning and nothing else is open. Sure. And you're not really looking to eat. You're just trying to, you know, absorb the alcohol in your stomach.

Right, yeah. The other one is if you're basically anywhere in america apparently yeah like holy shit no you know you see these uh you know you listen to uh good food yeah on the radio and you hear about these like little roadside stands that have a you know a popover with a recipe that got handed down from the Civil War or something. That doesn't exist. That's nothing. That's nowhere. Yeah, I went to the outlet malls relatively recently here east of Los Angeles.

It's a long drive. It's out towards Palm Springs. And near the outlet malls, there's one of these famous local places, famous for serving ostrich burgers. Okay. I think it was ostrich burgers, some kind of thing that, you know, they serve like ostrich burgers, gator burgers. Some sort of flightless. So I was like, well, you know, I'm going to eat this, you know.

It's great. It's about lunchtime. I could have gone to one of the fast food places around there. I'm like, no, I'm going to this famous place, big place, you know, the kind of place. Do you remember the name? What's it called? No, I don't remember what it's called. But, you know, on the side of the road,

there's these big, big stores that sell a lot of bags of dried fruit and candy to passers-by. You know what I mean? Sure. It's like a big store. And then they have, like, a little restaurant attached to it. So I went in there. I bought this emu burger or whatever. It was gross. It was butt.

Yeah. And it wasn't because of the emu the emu wasn't the part that tasted but it was just a terrible burger the buns from smart and final yeah it was all dry and gross yeah yeah um yeah we even like i remember in amherst we stopped at the like like the polish breakfast place you know where like there was like you know pick everybody sat on picnic benches and the menus were like these laminated pieces of paper where the prices had been whited out and then raised with pen. Yeah. Even that kind of sucked, you know, like even that was like. It sucked a little bit.

I mean, that was a very, that was very pleasant though. Oh, sure. That was very pleasant. I mean, it definitely had that charm that you're looking for in one of those places, but the. Yeah, food sucked a little bit. You know, if we were looking for in one of those places. But the... Yeah, food to suck a little bit. If we were looking for good food. You know what we are? Assholes.

Yeah, I was going to say Obama-esque elitists. Yeah. Man. People in small towns, they... Never mind. Yeah, exactly. They cling to their guns and their shitty restaurant. You know why? Because they're so bitter that their restaurant's so shitty.

Yeah. That's what Obama was talking about. The bitterness about the shittiness of local restaurants. Yes. I don't think I ate one good thing that entire trip. That's not true. When we were in Kansas City, we ate some good food. When we were in Chicago and Detroit, we ate some good food.

Oh, the baseball trip you're talking about? Yeah, exactly. No, no, the recent trip to Amherst. You didn't know that I drove through Kansas City, Chicago, and Detroit to get ate some good food. Oh, the baseball trip you're talking about? Yeah, exactly. No, no, the recent trip to Amherst. You didn't know that I drove through Kansas City, Chicago, and Detroit to get to Amherst? I didn't. I was wondering where you went. Yeah, no, I drove the whole way, and boy, the uppers I had to take to keep myself going through that trip.

I did it in a day and a half, Jordan. One and a half days, 36 straight hours of driving across our great nation to reach perhaps our nation's greatest city, Amherst, Massachusetts. Right. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go to complain about more stuff from our elitist, urban, liberal, media controlling perspective. Oh, sure. I have to go get my Volvo tuned, though, before we continue. Do you mind if we stop for lattes? Yeah, that'd be fine.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, we were laughing and joking about my age 27 season. Sure. Now, I want to be clear. I am going to have, I mean, you probably remember when Brady Anderson hit over 50 home runs from the leadoff slot. You know, I don't. I don't like baseball, really.

So you know what I'm talking about. No, no idea. We're on the leadoff slot. You know, I don't. I don't like baseball, really. So you know what I'm talking about. No, no idea. We're on the same page here. We are absolutely not on the same page. I'm only guessing that it's about baseball. I don't even know for certain. That's how little I know about baseball. If I bring up, say, a candy Maldonado.

Nope. You know what I'm saying? I think it's some kind of candy. I'm assuming it's some sort of delicious candy. Sounds like a Malamaramar It is a Malamar I can't even tell the difference between a Malamar and a Malamute I am sure as fuck not going to know Who Candy Malanado is

There are some kind of, uh, I mean, we can, we can laugh and joke all night and all day about Lance Berkman. We can't. I can't. You can. I cannot. I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, Jordan,

I don't want to make this a Danny Tartable cast, you know? All right. There are, however, I feel like there are serious consequences to my having turned 27 years old.

Okay. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like, Sarah, some birthdays that really count for something. Yeah. I'm concerned that 27 is one of them.

Okay. What, I mean, you know, I think the general feeling is that like post-21, you know, there's like 25 where you can kind of rent a car or something like that. You know, at 25 you can rent a car. I mean, you are actually allowed to rent it. It's not a kind of situation. But, yeah, I mean,, you can get drunk or whatever. 27, I feel like I have come to an age where I am now responsible for my own actions.

Okay. And not only responsible. Like you can't blame foolishness on youth or inexperience? And in fact, I don't think I can blame anything on youth or inexperience anymore. Yeah. I don't think I can, not just my indiscretions, but also my failures. You see what I'm saying? Sure.

I've gone through my entire life this way, Jordan. Obviously, you know, I'm a bright guy. I was good in school. But I have focused my entire life on my potential. Okay. Now that I have not realized that potential, I have now finally reached the point where my gas tank has all the gas in it it's going to get. Okay. It's not going to be any further filled.

You see what I'm saying? Sure. Going from 26 to 27 is going from up-and-comer to never will be. Oh, yeah. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Does that make sense to you? No, absolutely.

Absolutely. I mean, I know exactly how you feel. I mean, you know, as a guy looking to, you know, kind of get into the entertainment industry, it's like when you first, you know, when you first, you know, when I first move out here, everybody's calling you, you know, everybody's calling you kid or son or young man or something like that. But that is like significantly dropped off. By the way, you were working for Grandpa Simpson.

Yeah, I was. But yeah, I mean, that's really dropped off. I mean, you, you know, and there's definitely, um, you know, we were talking about, about Jonah Hill, you know, that's the most famous guy in comedy right now. Maybe not. No, he's definitely the most famous. He's up there, but yeah, he's younger than us. I mean, you hear all those stories about Eddie Murphy.

Jordan Chaplin's old news. Yeah. It's all Jonah Hill. Don't talk to me about Fatty Arbuckle. Jonah Hill's the new, the new voice of comedy in america buster who exactly um and uh you've heard of the new comedy team laurel and hill yeah i have um yeah i mean you and you hear the stories about, you know, Eddie Murphy getting on stage and killing when he was 15. And yeah, yeah. So, I mean, I definitely.

We're failures. Yeah. More so me than you. Oh, sure. You're a year younger than I am. Yeah. A year plus, we learned, given that you're currently 25 and I'm now 27. Yeah, I'm basically done.

I'm done. My goose is cooked. What are you going to do? Maybe like get into real estate or something? Here's the thing. yeah, I'm basically done. I'm done. My goose is cooked. What are you going to do? Maybe get into real estate or something? Here's the thing. I remain in an industry where everyone is over 75. Okay.

This is a public radio industry. Sure. You see what I'm saying? You're still the young guy. But I no longer have potential. That's what I've lost here. It's not so much that I've gotten worse. It's that I've longer have potential. That's what I've lost here. It's not so much that I've gotten worse as that I've lost any potential. The thing that has carried me through my entire life

is people looking at me, looking at my skills and abilities and saying, man, what that guy could do someday. If that guy gets his stuff together, he's really going to knock one out of the ballpark. You see what I'm saying? You just never really got your stuff together is what you're saying? Not really.

I'm still pretty much, I mean, I just, you know, I hang out with my dog, invite people over to my apartment. Sure. That's basically my career right now. Invite somebody, like somebody who's not really famous somebody with a little small cult following sure invite them over my apartment yeah that's pretty much what i do like my show for example no polish on this show absolutely none no sheen there's absolutely no sheen and before that was charming because it was reflective of my youth right now that i'm a real adult it's reflective of the fact that i'm i'm

just not learning any skills yeah yeah um yeah no i i definitely feel that too and i and a big part of my job is you know uh being on tv and goofing you know goofing off goofing around yeah being a goof being a goof. Being a goof. Yeah, I'm wondering how long that's... Acting like some kind of dunderhead. Yeah, I'm wondering how long that's charming. Yeah.

You know, like how long before it just looks like... Frankly, I'm finding it tiresome right now. Sure. Let's get serious. Let's go McLaughlin group. Right. You know, a couple weeks ago, Todd Glass was on the Never Not Funny podcast. Went straight for the issues as a guest.

It made me think we should be more issue-oriented. Yeah. Indoor smoking bans, your thoughts, Jordan? Indoor smoking ban. You are just some kind of fucking goof-off, aren't you? I am. You know, Jordan, that was cute when you were 23 years old, but you are 25 now. I'll be 26 in a week and a half.

It's time for you to take on man's responsibilities. It's time for you to start replacing car stereos without having to hire some high school graduate to do it for you, Jordan. It's time for you to learn how to use a trim removal, trim panel removal tool. It's time for me to ban indoor smoking. You got it Jordan You're on top of it But I guess, I don't know, I guess there's a higher tolerance For men

To goof around After Past their prime Women are expected to start pooping out babies That's what you're saying I just saw Steve Martin in this baby mama He was goofing around. Just goofing.

It was delightful. He was just goofing. Yeah. But no one's like, this is sad or this is... Yeah. Maybe if I... Maybe, I don't know. Maybe some people... I didn't find it sad. I have to... I think what the key is, Jordan, is to find a way to take your modest talents and present them in a very favorable light. Okay.

Like, for example. Sure. Steve Martin was a philosophy major in college. Right. In the context of him being a comedian, that's amazing. Right. And he's a genius. Sure.

He's a genius at comedy for being a philosophy major in college. Okay. Take this for an example. I read Steve Martin's autobiography. I did too. Okay. It was a solid book. Absolutely.

It was enjoyable, quick read. A little bit boring. Sure. Just a little boring. But yes, but I prefer it be that boring as opposed to like presentational, which it wasn't. It was competent, though. Sure. And that makes Steve Martin a genius because he's a comedy guy who wrote a competent.

A comedy guy who wrote a competent, not comedy book. Sure. You see what I'm saying? No one's expecting, you know, Paul Rodriguez to write a competent no slightly touching actually he surprisingly his first novel was a really powerful coming-of-age tale rabbit run yeah exactly he wrote that right yeah yeah absolutely no no no no no no no no no no jordan i'm completely off base uh he wrote portnoy's complaintaint. Right. I think that was Dom Irera. No, I don't think so.

I don't think he... Who wrote White Noise then? I'm pretty sure White Noise was Louis Anderson, wasn't it? It was. I think it was... Although I hear it was ghostwritten by John Pinette. You know what it was that I really liked what for me it's about classics you see what i'm saying for me it's about classics and i have to go all the way back to the great gatsby which i think i mean i don't think that kevin meanie could have created

something that more perfectly distilled what it means to be an American. Yeah. You know what I mean? In the 20th century. Sure. In the jazz age, specifically. I'm just throwing that out there. I mean, sure.

Oh, hey, Judy Tenuta. Also. Can we talk for a second about Emo Phillips? I guess what I was trying to say is that for the past five years of my radio career, I've had the fact, and entertainment industry career in general, I've had the fact that I was a mere youth in my quiver. Sure. I could whip it out whenever I wanted to.

Sure, I'm flawed, but I've got a lot of potential. Right, right. Now I have to stand up for what I believe in and what I've done. And I actually have to create something that's presentation quality. Mm-hmm. You see what I'm saying? I have to demonstrate my value to the world. I don't think I can do it either.

Too lazy. Just an amazingly lazy guy. It's hard and it's hot. It's so hot outside of Los Angeles. You know what I mean, Jordan? Too hot to learn a new skill set. I need a new branding strategy, Jordan. Yeah? I need to recontextualize myself somehow. You know what I'm guessing? What's that? What I would suggest? What would you suggest? Cattle branding. Cattle branding? Yeah, it'll be part of your thing. That's a good kind of branding. Would I have to brand myself or just others?

Everyone, really. I'd brand everyone. Yeah. Or everyone would brand me. No, no, you would brand yourself and others. You would do the branding. Would I create the brand? Mm-hmm.

You would smelt it. What about this? From iron. It's a J and a T, and they share a top bar. Love it. Classic brand. J Bar T. Mm-hmm.

That's my ranch. Yeah. Well, if you're interested. It's a good brand to attract the kind of upper, tech-savvy, middle class. Yeah, absolutely. Middle class, upper middle class. A lot of disposable income. No kids class. A lot of disposable income. No kids yet.

A lot of aspirational consumers would be attracted to that brand, would you say? Loft Apartments. Yeah, absolutely. No, that's exactly right. Downtown Loft. Arugula. Sure. Absolutely.

Aeoli. J Bar T. Sandwich Press. Two can play this game Morris we'll be back the game where you say stuff isn't that the game we play on this program yeah

we just make a list of things right that's our comic specialty we'll be back in just a second another example of not utilizing our potential yeah exactly god forbid we should think of an actual joke when we can just Yeah, another example of not utilizing our potential. Yeah, exactly. God forbid we should think of an actual joke when we can just list anachronisms. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan. Yes. Have you ever done something like this you set forth for yourself a task oh sure um it could be cleaning the the stables of that hercules had to clean something a big task right you see what i'm

saying lincoln's march and in mind, this is a task that is within your ability and it's going to prove your worth as a person. Okay. Yes. I'm talking about putting together a particularly complicated piece of furniture from Ikea, for example. Right. Building a piece of furniture, which I once did. These are the kind of tasks that I'm talking about here, Jordan. Helping somebody move a couch up some stairs. Exactly. Okay. These are the kinds of things you're thinking of.

I just, I bring this up mostly to say that I am a failure as a human being and specifically as a man. Wow. Here's what I did recently. You may have heard that I purchased- You're pretty late to the party on that one. I purchased a new motor vehicle recently. Right.

When did we become all about insult comedy? I don't know. It's odd. People love put downs. The other day somebody called into the hotline and they were really sad because they thought that we were fighting. Oh. And they were really upset about it.

No, sorry. We're just trying to land a uh a lucrative endorsement deal i was gonna say a movie produced by but not written or directed by judd apatow oh yeah we're showing him that we can do that just guy just guy talk back and forth just like a couple of typical yeah just american dudes hey dude here's here's what'll happening. We'll be cutting each other down. Dude, you are a fucking, you are a cock wallet. You're a big cock wallet. Seriously, dude, do you love her? But seriously, dude, you love her, right?

Dude, you got to do something about it. And then Snow Patrol comes on. There you go. Hey, Apatow. Boom. Produce our movie, but don't write it or direct it. Lickety split. Mm-hmm.

Bim bam boom. Yes. Are you concerned that if he writes it, it might turn out to be the movie Heavyweights? Yeah. Regular listeners to the program may know that i recently purchased a new motor vehicle 1992 uh infinity m30 convertible yes it's a luxurious road beast okay i would say push button a luxurious beast like a bison with a crown oh man butter soft leather jordan butter soft as soft as sitting in leather butter you know like if you made a pat of butter out of leather if any uh if any menu

advertises something with butter lettuce i just have to order it i don't know what to be so appealing about the phrase butter lettuce i was like well gotta get that like there's no not getting it you're like butter lettuce i choose lettuce ah oh boy i really am a failure as a human being so wait okay so you got a new car new car you're loving it you're high on the hog right i am on top of the world i'm living large i took it i got some belts changed cruising around hollywood needed some needed some new belts, Jordan. So I'm like, you know what? I can take care of that.

I can swing that right now. Let's do it right now. Change the belts. Belts. Change whatever belts you need. I gave him a blank slate. I said, go in there. Whatever belts need changing, go ahead and change them now

because I don't want to have to change them in a week, two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, seven weeks. You see what I'm saying? Change the belts now so I don't have to change them in a week, two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, seven weeks. You see what I'm saying? Change the belts now so I don't have to worry about it. I can just put the top down and cruise. Sure. Here's what I discovered, Jordan. You don't want to be worried about belts mid-cruise. Absolutely not. Can I tell you what I discovered? Yeah. Not only does the compact disc player not work on this vehicle, neither does the tape deck. Oh, boy. I have tapes, Jordan. If it came down to it, I could have listened to tapes. Yes.

You see what I'm saying? I've heard your tapes. I've got lots of tapes. I've got Purple Rain. I've got The Best of Sparks. I've got Welcome to the Terror Dome. You see what I'm saying? These are all tapes.

These are all tapes. Yeah. I've got Kasing'm saying these are all tapes these are all tapes yeah i've got casinos if you need casinos if you need casinos if you're if you need if you need lay your head on my pillow if you need hanging tough so in love if you need yeah exactly um if you need funky cold Medina. And I do. And I do. What if I drove a car with a tape deck and I listened to nothing but Kasingles? I just changed them out. Yeah, it was real dangerous.

I'd be cool, man. I'd back that. But Jordan, you know what? I love the car. I'm not upset that the cd player and the tape deck are broken something you can get fixed right i get have someone fix it no sir i'm gonna fix it myself oh i'm gonna fix it myself jordan i'm not the kind of guy who who decides he wants to upgrade his stereo system and goes to the local stereo store and has them do it for him i'm the kind of guy

who can take care of that kind of thing myself jordan oh yeah you're handy i forgot i don't fuck around i know i know my way around a screwdriver sure and i'm not talking about the alcohol beverage you're talking about the tool yeah tequila sunrise is usually what i'll go with sure the alcohol um drink a screwdriver you just spill it on yourself. Yeah. You don't know how to handle it. I can't even. Where does this go? I got two left toes.

Does this go on my foot? Yeah, exactly. You pour it on your foot? So I go to thecrutchfield.com. You ever been there? No. It's an internet website where they tell you what kind of equipment you can put in your car. And they send it to you.

They send you all the harnesses you need. Okay. They send you step-by-step instructions as well. Oh, great. So I ordered new front speakers for my car, because I figured, well, as long as I'm doing shit, I might as well get some new front speakers. Sure.

And then I ordered a new head unit, Jordan. Okay. Get this. To top it all off, I had a brainstorm. Woofers. I'm talking about woofers. I'm talking about tweeters. This is the brainstorm I had.

This car, a 92, does not have any cup holders. No cup holders in this car. A source of great consternation for me should I want to take a drink of something and not have to hold it between my legs. So here's the piece de resistance, the stroke of genius. Cup holders? Is that what you're building to? You put cup holders in?

Now listen to me. My stereo has one of these dual deck things. Before most stereos had a CD player, the CD player wasn't in the actual part with the radio. It was another piece, same size as the radio, you know what I mean? So it has two pieces. Now, I'm replacing the stereo with one thing. So I'm like, you know what I bet I could do? I bet I could get a cup holder that fits in the slot.

I did some research, Jordan. I found out if I got a cup holder from a Maxima, it would fit in the slot. Nice. Yeah. That's fucking thinking. That's what that's called, my friend. Thinking. I found one on eBay, bought it. 20 bucks out the door. Lickety split. Nice. No haggling. Absolutely not. True pricing. True pricing. Auction determines the price. The true value of the item is what someone is willing to pay for it, Jordan. So I have the cup holder. I have a head unit. I've got two new speakers.

They all come in the mail. I cannot install these fucking things. I am such a fucking failure. Yeah, sounds like it. I got my stereo out of the out of the uh car which involved removing a face plate on the dashboard which i did a fucking great job of okay fantastic job it's got these screws on the sides and these brackets i can't get these fucking screws out next thing you know guess what i did i stripped the screws really? Once a screw is stripped, it cannot be removed.

It simply cannot be removed. No amount of WD-40. Magnets? Maybe magnets. Maybe magnets. I'm not good enough with magnets to be able to tell you certainly one way or the other. But possibly magnets. I'll have to look into that.

So here I am. I've gotten out two of the eight screws the rest of them i've managed to strip so i'm fucked in that department okay so i'm like you know what this isn't gonna stop me hopeless this isn't gonna stop me there's more i'm gonna put in this i'm gonna put in the speakers and the doors now jordan let me be clear i've put in new stereos in cars before on two different occasions. Sure. I've put in new speakers on cars before on two different occasions. Third time's a charm.

So you would think. So the old aphorism goes, Jordan, because when I opened up, when I got, oh, man, I got one. It turns out on my car, you have you basically have to take apart the entire door to get to the speaker. Okay. Normally, you could just kind of pop off or screw off the speaker plate and replace it. In this car, you have to take off the whole door panel,

and there's these little, it's all spring-clipped. Oh, boy, spring-clipped. Spring-clipped. You are fucked, my friend. Even with a trim panel remover, which I had thoughtfully ordered ahead of time for an additional cost of $9.95. I could have just used... Wait, not even with a trim plate remover?

Trim panel remover, no. Not at all. I'm a fucking failure, Jordan. Wow. You can't use a trim panel remover to remove a speaker plate. Yeah. Sounds like you need some retard lessons. I'll tell you what I can't even use speaker plate yeah sounds like you need some retard lessons i'll tell you what i can't i i haven't even i haven't even gotten to not being able to remove the speaker

plate i can't use a trim panel remover to remove door handle trim you can't you can't even get into the trim panel remover box you need some kind of trim panel remover to remove the trim panel remover from its box you got it jordan you've got me pegged buddy yeah you know exactly how pathetic my life has become boy do i ever become i'm or uh is you know is consistently jordan i'm gonna have to give someone a hundred dollars to fix this situation one hundred dollars possibly 75 if i get lucky this guy who you're going to give the hundred dollars to he probably hasn't even been to college like you have no sir well maybe he went to some kind of trim panel university yeah i hope he has because i'm telling him

right now just so he knows this is a very atypically challenging trim panel situation yeah this is not a trim panel. You cannot get arrogant about this. No. I got arrogant and- You don't want some hot-headed flyboy trim panel remover. Jordan, I flew too close to the sun and my wings melted. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Just like Atlas. I want to know from people out there in our audience, what has humbled them? Okay. What project that they undertook determined that it would be the challenge that would make them feel as good as P. Diddy did after he ran the marathon with a mohawk that completely exploded in their faces and instead made them feel like an idiot?

I have a car audio story slash joke. Yeah, go for it um so i i bought my scion from just some orange county dude some sporty orange county dude and he had done some stuff to it tinted the windows uh put on bike racks and he put a giant uh kind of tubular speaker in the back it's called a subwoofer subwoofer, sure. Not things I would have done to the car. But it gives you some more bang in your bass. Absolutely. Anyways, yeah, and, you know, definitely I don't really listen to any music that requires a subwoofer. Real big fish.

And I'm, anyway, somebody asked me in the back, like, oh, do you have the speaker put in? I'm like, no, what did I go to the audio store and say? I'm hearing a little bit too much steven malchemist and not enough of the jicks so yeah that's what i said to the guy that's what you told that do something about that yeah a little more jicks take care of that for me not so much steven malchemist i can see one of the bands that you listened to in high school hiring Bootsy Collins to come in and play on one of their albums. Yeah. Can you see that? That would be cool. They're just really excited to meet Bootsy, you know? Oh, yeah. Sort of like a galactic. Crazy outfits. You know what I mean?

I can see a kind of a wild, fun ska band going the jam band direction hiring Bootsy. Sure. You know what I mean? Gotta evolve. Yeah. And if you want Bootsy, if you want going the jam band direction, hiring Bootsy. Sure. You know what I mean? Got to evolve. Yeah, and if you want Bootsy, if you want to hear Bootsilla, you got to get that junk in your trunk. You got to get that woof in your boof. Sure. You know what I'm talking about? I know about the boof.

Yeah. You know where to put the woof, thank you very much. You know what? If LeBouf's around, you know what I say? What? Woof, woof. You don't like him? I don't know if that means you like him or not i think that means you do like him sexually oh okay i'm just trying to say i'm

gay for labouf hey that's fine i don't think i've ever jacket in that indiana jones trailer yausa no i haven't classic i haven't seen that james dean-esque a lot of bad buzz around that indiana jones yeah i know you heard that i've heard the bad buzz a lot of bad buzz around that Indiana Jones story. Yeah, I know. Have you heard that? I've heard the bad buzz. A lot of bad buzz. It's got Cate Blanchett Nazi. Maybe the people who are saying the bad buzz don't know it has Cate Blanchett Nazi. Cate Blanchett plays a Nazi in this? She does. That sounds fantastic.

Yeah, right? Some sort of Nazi leader. Are you sure this movie wasn't financed by that Formula One guy that was scandalized by the Nazi sex scandal recently. I have not heard about this. We are familiar with Formula One racing. Well, yes. You follow it, certainly. You're Michael Andretti's.

I'm alive, aren't I? Yeah, absolutely. My favorite Sega Genesis game is Super Monaco GP. There's a king of this sport okay his name is old german man okay and he was slightly controversial because this is the current king of this the current king of the sport is an old formula one racing the world's most popular sport by the way except for soccer okay um and so this guy is the- Internationally, you're talking about. Internationally, yeah.

The world over. When I say the world, what I'm talking about is internationally. Great. Not, for example, the local, the domestic radio program, The World. Gotcha. Which I think is probably what you were thinking I was referring to. The most popular sport amongst the staff. Of the PRIWGBH program, the world.

Yeah, no, I mean, it is very popular among this. Marco Werman, in particular, is a big fan. He likes to watch F1 racing while he's composing his little essays on world beat music. Sure. The king of F1 racing is a German man in his 60s, I want to say. Okay. He's slightly controversial going into this whole situation because his father was apparently a noted Nazi.

Okay. A noted Nazi, not some sort of side Nazi. Yeah, I mean, he's not like... Sort of background. We're not talking about, you know, a Goebbels here. We're talking about a mid you know, Goebbels here. We're talking about a mid-level but noted Nazi. Gotcha.

Worth paying attention to Nazi. If you were at some sort of Nazi reunion and you brought up his name, people would go, Oh, that guy. Oh, sure, yeah. Gerhard, yeah. I don't know if his name's Gerhard. He was recently caught by some sort of these British tabloids, the kind that will publish anything. We have video of him going to a whorehouse for Nazi-themed sex.

Wow. He had concentration camp. Nazi-themed sex? At one point, he had concentration camp-themed S&M. Wow. Like he was pretending to be in the concentration camp and the dominators or some sort of... I think, I'm trying to remember.

I want to say that it went both ways. I want to say, I'm trying to remember because it was a couple weeks ago now. I want to say that there was one where he was a Jew and the poor was a Nazi. And then there was one where, I want to say that when they were in the concentration camp, he was the concentration camp owner slash murderer. And the prostitute was the emaciated, close to death Jew. Jewish in this case.

Jewish. But yeah, that's real. That really happened. That really happened in real life. So he went to this place and they're like, well, we don't know if this guy's a good example. He obviously has some sort of Nazi sex fetish.

A good example of what? He's not setting a good example for the young formula one fans oh yeah yeah no though that's the problem because a lot of formula one fans are nazis oh okay and so you don't want to tell them it's okay well not so much nazis as nazi fetishists sure so you don't want to tell people i mean this is the world's second most popular sport you don't want to tell people the king of the whole sport this german fella the pele of the pele of uh you know the michael andretti of f1 racing you see what i'm saying yeah that this character this questionable moral is something that you should you know follow well at least he's okay well i'm saying this is probably responsible you know the

man obviously has you know nazi sex leanings yeah better to get it out in an organized you know i'm assuming safe in a nazi friendly right instead of opening a real concentration camp that's true i mean that's true just go ahead and open one. Yeah. If you didn't have some sort of outlet for this. Just start a roundup. Yeah. He might, to be fair, though, these days, the Jewish people are very sensitive to this kind of thing. They've already experienced one Holocaust.

Corralling them into an area, they might be less likely to do it. They might, right from the very beginning, not go for it. I would focus on the gypsies, because they don't have as much historical memory. Sure. You know, because they're vagabond people. Only have the oral tradition. Yeah, exactly. Precisely.

Precisely. Have we said anything horrible that we should cut out of this? Nah. I don't think so. I think it's all been fine. Yeah. All in good fun. All in good fun.

Absolutely. Who doesn't? Oh, wait. You know all been fine. Yeah. All in good fun. All in good fun. Absolutely. Who doesn't? Oh, wait. You know, we should probably cut out all that Nazi stuff. We should go back and cut out that. But other than that, it's been fine. We don't think the Holocaust is funny at all. But the fact that an F1 racing guy has weird Nazi sex fetish.

Yeah. That's kind of funny. Yeah, it's funny. I mean, you know, just the end of the day. Speaking as from no one with no agency to laugh at anything. Yeah. You know, we can, you know. Yeah.

Plus it's done. As two of the most privileged guys in the world. Yeah. Okay. Fatted lamb every night for you and I. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Also Ambrosia. Yeah.

Jordan and Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I'm going to present you with two entertainment scenarios. Great, because right now I have zero. Okay, two entertainment scenarios. You tell me how I could use the internet to solve each of them. Okay. Okay. Here's the first one. I know that I want to go to the movies. Right. But I wished that I knew which of my friends wanted to go to that movie with

me without having to call all of them on the telephone. What website could I use to solve that conundrum? It's a persistent problem in American life. It is. More and more. It's a bigger and bigger issue, especially

with the nuclearization of Iran. Potentially even Syria, we recently found out. Rice shortage. There's a rice shortage going on at Costco right now. Okay. You know what I have to say about the rice shortage at Costco? What? Yeah, call me when there's a chicken bake shortage.

Then I'll be worried. Call me when the soft serve machine is down. When there's no more churros, I'll start to be concerned. Okay, so the scenario is, I want to go to the movies, don't know which of my friends want to go see that movie with me, and I'm not sure how I'm going to make the plans. There's a couple of different websites you can use.

Jot.com, FoodNetwork.tv. I think the best one would probably be iwanttoseethat.com. iwanttoseethat.com. That sounds like a great website. Absolutely. You make a list of the movies you want to see. Your friends also make a list,

and then you can sync up and decide when and where to see said movie. iwanttoseethat.com. That actually sounds a lot like the name of the sponsor of this show. iwanttoseethat.com. You know what? That the name of the sponsor of the show i want to see that dot com you know what that is one of the sponsors of this program i want to see that dot com well let me let's get off of that subject sure here's another basically figured that out about that

problem here's no longer a problem here's another entertainment scenario sure let's say i'm looking for web comics okay okay i love i love comics in the daily newspaper sure but i hate getting ink on my finger i know and then you get it on your face people are like what's that on your face and the worst part of all is i'm all out of silly putty so it's useless to me to flatten it out and then peel up the picture and look at it on my silly putty you see what i'm saying yeah don't get me started on that old problem arg so i'm looking for and here's the thing i would also take a podcast sure potentially also take some humorous musings of some kind okay like a blog like some blogging mostly what i'm looking for is some cool web comics more than one looking specifically for

more than one how could i use the internet to solve that problem what's a what's a site i could visit a couple of different places you can go dmv.ca.gov is one i've used in the past yeah kotaku.com i don't know i think probably the best place is blueshat.net blueshat.net blueshat.net oh that sounds like a great one blueshat.net you know it's funny that is we're actually sponsored by a website called blueshat.net you know it's funny that is we're actually sponsored by a website called blueshat.net well you know oh i see sorry um blueshat.net you say yeah let's say i wanted to see cool web comics could i do it there i think so what if i wanted to hear a web comics. Could I do it there? I think so.

What if I wanted to hear a podcast about mustaches? Fuck yeah. So this sounds like a great all-around website. Yeah. It's amazing. It solves all the problems you presented. I am so excited about blueshat.net that it's almost as though they're sending me money or something. You know what I mean?

Just say that. Jeez, this is really spectacular stuff. Really golden. Hot damn. Well, I feel like spectacular stuff. Really golden. Hot damn. Well, I feel like we've solved a lot of problems. Not just for me, but for anybody who finds themselves in those two conundra. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, a great thing to do if you have a podcast. Let's say you encourage people to call into your podcast. Sure. Just hypothetically. Yeah. What's something good that you could do with those calls?

You could play it and then respond to it. Let's do this thing. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Jesse. Happy birthday to you. That's a winner, buddy. Hey. Ladies love Jesse, my friend.

Yeah, yeah. What can I say? Let's move on. I don't think anybody's going to call in to say, ladies love cool Jess. Yeah, exactly. Ladies love cool Jesse. Hey, Jordan. Hi, Jesse.

This is Steve from Willowick with a momentous occasion. I just smoked my first pipe, and I'm not sure if I did it right. So I was wondering if Jordan had any tips for smoking pipes. Love your show. Thanks. I'll just give one quick hint. You put it in your mouth, not your butt. Yeah, well, I don't know what else I can cover.

Sorry, I didn't mean to take all the... Yeah. Well, I do have some slightly less helpful hints than that he just wasn't sure if he was doing it right i just want to make sure he was on the right direction you know i'm gonna put it in the right hole you might be sticking it up his nose there's so many body holes you could probably do it sticking it up your nose well i mean just like think back before the other when you're figuring out where to smoke your pipe, I would say just think back to pictures and film of people you've seen smoking pipes. Think about where they've put the pipe.

Think really carefully. I'm guessing that most of the images you'll think are people having it in their mouth. So just try and mimic that as best you can. I thought you meant what kind of locale you would choose oh i would choose the milwaukee club jordan yeah are you familiar with the milwaukee club i'm not i have some actual pipe tips oh you want some actual this would be good for the underage listeners sure uh just if this is uh fill it fill fill your pipe halfway with tobacco. Turbaccy.

Yeah. You want to use pipe tobacco in this case. Not wacky. No, not at all. You want to stay away from the wacky brand. You don't want to put chai in there. No. You light it.

You light it. You let it burn for a little bit, and you immediately blow it out. Just get a little burnt on the top. You repack the rest of it. Don't pack it super dense or firm. Make it loose. And then you light the top that you just packed. Give a few exhales because give it enough oxygen to burn and then cheerfully puff away. Don't inhale. Just puff. Just a little puff. You want to get mouth cancer, not throat or lung cancer. Exactly.

Gotcha. You want to get that Babe Ruth cancer. Exactly. Some nice swollen gums. Just like the old legendary slugger, Babe Ruth himself. I'll also get fat. Horse. Horse too.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Chris from Chicago. Jesse, you had asked me if I would like to visit social clubs. Just so happens, two weeks ago, I had to go to an event at the University Club of Milwaukee, which was as stuffed up as you might imagine, complete with wood-paneled walls, a walk-in humidor, and a massive cellar. complete with wood-paneled walls, a walk-in humidor, and a massive cellar.

Two things worth noting. The ratio of servers to people attending the party was roughly one-to-one, so drinks were refreshed constantly, and their lounge had a massive bulb, which appeared to be rather old, and referred to our friends to the north as the British Domain of Canada, which I thought was pretty excellent. It's good to know. We've learned from that that America's social club members do not respect the sovereignty of the nation of Canada.

Yes. You see what I'm saying? That is the kind of insight that we're looking for here into the inner workings of a social club. Or it's just harder to get a giant globe these days. Yeah, one or the other. I mean, either one would be fascinating. Sure. A couple people called in to talk about country clubs.

That's not what we're going for here. Sure, anybody can go to a country club. Every town needs your rich friend to give you a pass. Yeah, exactly. You get a country club. Every town needs your rich friend to give you a pass. Yeah, exactly. You get a day pass. Yeah. They tell you their secret number, and you can put your order of fries on there. Yeah.

Charge that to the room, so to speak. It's not what we're talking about. No, absolutely not. It's relatively common. We're talking about that episode of The Simpsons where Homer becomes king of the fraternal organization. Sure. And then Mr. Burns is a peon. Mm-hmm.

That was funny. Stonecutters. Yeah, that was a good one. That's a funny one. I like that one a lot. Anyway. Jordan, you know, the quality of the calls this week was not uniformly spectacular. It was down from previous weeks.

But there were certain calls that had such keen insights, not just into the show, but also into the human condition, that I felt obliged to share them with everyone just because they were so truly, utterly spectacular. Jesse, you sound great. Let me just tell you that your podcasts, I never listen to them. Listen to podcasts, and then I listen to yours, and they're great. All right. You know what, man? You're great.

Bye. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. He digs deeper than just the first layer. Yeah. He masturbates while he calls. Exactly. He masturbates while he calls, and he's got some wacky tobacco in his hookah.

Sure. You know what I'm talking about? It's just, it's about giving back to your community. Mm-hmm. And by community, I'm talking more about me than anything else. Right. And what I like about it is that he really focuses in on the most important parts of the program. Sure.

He listens to Jordan Jesse go. He knows what side of the bread his butter comes from. If you'll pardon my use of the old expression. The old butter. Because we know that butter comes from bread. That bread shoots out butter it doesn't shoot out jordan it secretes it it oozes some south american breads can fire their butters they can fire them as in give them their walking papers no they can launch they have a

gland that kind of it it it squeezes never mind i'm just you just you you you have such a western centric idea of bread of butter secreting bread i'm just saying that in in other parts of the world it can be fired into the eyes of its enemies jordan you probably you're so western centric that you probably still call potstickers oriental bread. When we know that orient means the east, which of course places Western Europe and the United States at the center of the world map. You know what? You really need to read Edward Said's Orientalism II, colon,

on bread and butter, so that you can really understand some of the issues that are going on here. Hey, I'm the one who knew about the... Don't worry, Jordan. And Jordan, too. I didn't mean to... I didn't mean to lead him out of the last message. Jordan's cool, too.

Yeah. Yeah. Bye. Oh, good. For a second there, I was thinking the world's biggest weirdo didn't think I was cool. That is a relief. Oh, man, that is a weight. That is a weight off my shoulders. Do you get a feeling like he might have placed

that call because he was sitting in his car with the windows down in his garage with the engine on and he was listening to jordan jesse go while he while he passed in and out of consciousness and in his last act and his last act as a living person, he managed to press the Jordan Jesse Go hotline speed dial number on his cellular telephone and gave us a call, and then he just wanted to make sure that he didn't leave you out, pal. Yeah, I know. You've got to tie up those final little business ends

before you shuffle off, you know? Jordan, let's talk about momentous Occasion, shall we? Let's talk about him. Jordan, Jesse, go. Significant life event. This is Joel from Binghamton. I just found out that in the relationship that I thought I was in, I realized that I wasn't.

I'm actually the other man. I wasn't. I'm actually the other man. Anyhow, that kind of took me by surprise, and I don't know whether to be flattered or incredibly irritated. Anyhow, take it easy. Out. He should definitely be flattered.

Yeah, absolutely. I don't see why he would be irritated by this. I mean, this is a matter of flattery. It's just months of lies. Yeah, I mean, if you're matter of flattery. It's just months of lies. Yeah, I mean, if you're looking at a situation where a woman, if a woman really loves somebody, if there's somebody

that she finds in her life that she truly cares about, Jordan, I mean, this is how I ended up with Teresa. Teresa still has another boyfriend that she thinks I don't know about him, but I know about him. Yeah.

And she's much more committed to him. I mean, Teresa and I are engaged, but she's actually married to this other fella. A couple of kids. Yeah, absolutely. And I understand that it's about the guy that she likes. That's the one that's going to be the other man. You see what I'm saying? And that's what I think Joel needs to learn in this situation. Just take it as flattery. I mean, if you're better looking, let Jordan, yeah, let's say you had two, you had two fellas

out there for you. Sure. Okay. One of them's Jason Alexander. The other one, Steve McQueen, which one are you going to settle down with? And which one's going to be your guy on the side? You're going to want to settle down with Jasonason alexander right sure but the good looking fella you want to keep that guy at arm's length absolutely do not lock them down no that's how women think jordan i understand how women think that's the thing a lot of guys don't understand yeah you're very uh very chick positive i'm totally chick positive. I mean, when it comes to dames, you could not find birds. You could not find a more positive. Skirts,

I love skirts, and I understand how they think. Yeah, you appreciate everything. They're gams. They're bazombas. Got it, buddy. You got it. Hey, fellas. It's Lauren Davis from Cincinnati. Oh, shit. Last name. I just

saw a little girl roller skating, and she was a badass at it. She was doing all kinds of tricks, and it was great. And I was like, badass roller skating? New sincerity. Hope you all have a nice day, and happy birthday, Jessie. Bye.

Ladies love to wish me happy birthday. What can I tell you, buddy? Yeah, ladies also love to give their full name. Yeah, boy. Some junk mail. Yes. Look her up in their business directories. Lauren from Cincinnati is about to get a flood of stuff.

Yeah. Just to be clear. Coupon packets. If it was a young person, what she was doing is called rollerblading or inline skating. You can recognize the difference between roller skating and rollerblading because the rollerblading person will have purple and fluorescent green elbow pads. So look for that. That's a good sign that somebody's a hip young person

as opposed to an older person. See what I'm saying, Jordan? Right. A geriatric, if you will. If you saw John Travolta out, he would be roller skating. If you saw a hot young star like a shy LeBouf, roller blading. You can tell because he's wearing elbow pads.

He's got knee pads. He's got a helmet on. He's wearing a catcher's chest protector. He comically drifts towards a large hill and flails his arms. You got it. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. I'm Phil from Jersey.

And I just saw a liquor store get robbed in the middle of the day. And I did nothing to stop them. Thanks. From time to time, Jordan, we have a momentous occasion that reminds us why momentous occasions are a part of this program. It happened to us when someone called from the balcony after they'd been locked onto the balcony by the children they were babysitting. And it has happened to us again today. We understand what it truly means to have a momentous occasion when someone calls in to tell us something as important as they witnessed a robbery and did nothing about it.

By the way, we would have... He called about it. He did call. You're raising awareness about liquor store robberies. If I learned anything at UC Santa Cruz, it's what's most important dealing with any social issue, it's awareness raising. Right.

If people aren't aware of it, how are they going to help others become aware of it? Doing something about it is one thing, but that's less fun. Anybody can do something. Have a concert. Make a t-shirt. That's more important than giving money or time.

Yeah, I mean, this isn't about... Put on a hip-hop festival. This isn't about changing the world. This is about informing people what's wrong with the world. Yeah. Because if they don't know, how can Ani DiFranco write a song about it? Exactly. So the next time you see a liquor store robbery, don't jump in there.

Don't call the police. Don't ID the perps. Here's what you do. Make some necklaces that you were probably going to make anyways. Hold a benefit where your comedy group gets to perform. Most importantly, pick a ribbon color. Right. I'm going to say, what would you say?

Well, it's what's not what's not taken i think is the issue here forest green forest green like a hunter green how about hunter green what about a seafoam green i think that's uh i think that's rectal cancer what about flint gray for the color what about orange for the color of the muzzle flash when the convenience store owner was shot? I think orange is... I think orange is arson. I think it's arson awareness. What do we got?

Well, of course, that's why I arson things, for the awareness. Right. I want to become notorious as an arsonist. Yeah, so you can jack off to your notoriety. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go oh wait a minute no we won't because jordan from time to time on the program we like to exercise our skills in life i mean both you and i are just extraordinarily successful financially sure emotionally physically physically, politically.

Sexually. Sexually, sensually. Smell good. In the field of candles. Candle manufacture. Sure. We're both extraordinarily successful. So from time to time, we like to share just just give a little bit of advice out there uh

to people who who really need it because i feel like there's a lot of people out there who who really need some advice once in a while emily writes to us from ohio okay dear jordan jesse go i have quite a big problem two Two weeks ago from Saturday, I graduate college. I'm graduating from a medium sized state school in Ohio with a bachelor of arts in film production with a minor in telecommunications. For the past five years, I've been convincing my parents that me majoring in film was a good idea, that the entertainment industry was full of jobs and that this was really, really what I wanted to do. that this was really, really what I wanted to do. I'm currently also working at a bakery as a dishwasher. I love it.

I love it so much. I love the people I work with, and I really honestly enjoy doing my tasks. Washing dishes, I presume. Sure. I'm not saying that I want to make a career of being a dishwasher in Ohio, but right now there's nothing that I really want to do as far as moving to a big city

and finding a job related to my major. I still honestly love filmmaking with all my heart, but I don't know if I have the energy right now to do it. How do I explain to my parents that my current plans involve riding my bike to work every day to wash dishes and spend my evenings drinking $1 beers at a college bar? Sincerely, Emily from Ohio.

What do you think of this one, Jordan? This is some serious life issues she's going through. Yeah, yeah. First of all, it was definitely a good idea. If you're going to go into entertainment, this is not so much advice for Emily as just for anybody else. I know there's a lot of teenagers who listen to the program. Central Ohio is a good place for networking if you want to go into the film industry.

Yeah, a lot of big shots. Brian Grazer. Brian Grazer. I think went to Central Ohio U. Carl Reiner. Carl Reiner went to Ohio State. He's a Buckeye. The University of Ohio, of course, is full of legendary graduates.

Cincinnati Bearcats have a lot of famous Cincinnati Bearcats. Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone is a Bearcat, exactly. Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney. Yeah, they're both Bearcats. If you look at Hollywood and you wonder what brings them all together, it's their Bearcat heritage and Bearcat pride it's a little bit of fraternity yeah you know they have a secret handshake elizabeth shu comes up she gives the bearcat handshake to um you know uh to george clooney and uh boom she's got another big movie role yeah exactly um generally speaking gosh working at a bakery what do you think working at a bakery pays? I don't know.

I mean, I had a similar dishwashing job at that fancy cheese shop. Yeah, you had to wash dishes there, huh? Yeah, there was actually some dishwashing. That's maybe $8 an hour, $10 an hour. Sure. What do you think? Well, you loved that, right? Yes.

You couldn't get enough of that cheese shop. Yeah, the only reason I left was politics. Yeah, exactly. It's like it wasn't about the dishwashing anymore, you know? I know exactly what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. I feel like this woman is a grown-up now. Sure.

She doesn't need to explain shit to her parents. Right. I wonder what her financial situation is if she borrowed a lot of money. Maybe she's planning on still living with them and doing this bike ride, dollar beer lifestyle. No, she can't do that at all. No. Not even a little bit. But she lives in central Ohio.

You can get a six, eight bedroom apartment in central Ohio for $50, $80 a month. Something like that. Here's the thing. You're not getting any younger, kid. Pretty soon you're going to be 27. You're going to be looking back at all the mistakes you've made and you're going to realize I no longer have an excuse. Yeah.

And here's the thing I've learned about the entertainment industry. Okay. And something I want to share with everybody. I know there's a lot of like... A lot of aspiring entertainment industry types. Sure, sure. And a lot of people get these artistic degrees and something they like and then they just feel overwhelmed at the thought of going somewhere and doing something. about moving to your LA, your New York to pursue this thing is that it's just so overcrowded. You don't know what to do and unless you're somebody's cousin or son, there's nothing for you. Here's an important thing to remember and something that is absolutely true. Yes,

it's very, very crowded, but it's very, very crowded with idiots. Total mouth breathingbreathing. Idiots. Drooling. So, if you are bright, if you're competent, if you have actual talent, and you come, you know, you go to a place, and you don't just, you know, you don't just waste the talent, you know, whatever, smoking pot and doing dinner theater or something like that. If you actually try hard and learn some actual jobs you can get that lead to something, you can get the jobs. Like bright people are so coveted out here and they get – and I think that the jobs and the recognition come. You just have to learn what they are

and do a good job of putting yourself out there. I get the impression that if you just come here and you're not a fuck-up who fucks around, if you're the kind of person who does the work that's assigned to them and then comes back and says, what else can I do to help? Yeah, that's basically all you have to do. I have been under some monumental fuck-ups that were still relatively coveted because of their moderate level of competency, but were still cocaine-addicted fuck-ups. wood jobs very quickly um and you are a great attitude hard worker but in every other way

you're completely unsuited to that kind of work absolutely not organized no horribly disorganized definitely less organized when i first started terrible driver sure um yeah a lot of stuff not able to lift things no but um and yeah um, and yeah, and I, and I definitely have seen that. I mean, especially, you know, like the, like seeing like the, like seeing the interns that I worked with and also the interns that have been at jobs that I've been at. Um, if you like an, an unpaid internship is a pretty easy thing to get, I think. an unpaid internship is a pretty easy thing to get, I think. Um, and if you do a good job at it, then you'll eventually be rewarded with some kind of real job that you can also in turn do good at and in turn move up at. Um, it's, it's pretty across the board that, you know, because there's

always those low level jobs are opening up so often and like, um, yeah, it's pretty consistent. I mean, I've, you know, I've seen at all my other jobs. I've seen it at Fuel. Like the fuck up interns, just no one calls anymore. But if you do a good job, you'll get called eventually for something. So are you recommending that this young woman just come out to Hollywood and do this? Take care of business? Or should she still be soaping up those dishums? Yeah, I understand the want to fuck around after college.

I kind of wish a little bit that I had found some fucking around, something bigger to think about. And when it – when you do start to get – Preferably something I would add to that, something with some deadlines that'll actually get you to do some stuff like that. Yeah, give yourself a deadline, absolutely. Have a, you know, whatever, a contest or something that you're trying to make it into. Then when you do it, just fucking do that shit. Yeah, and then...

But yeah, and then if, you know... And I'm not saying it necessarily will, but when the people at the dollar beer bar begin to get tiresome and the dishwashing has lost its luster, I would say don't hesitate to try something big because if you're bright and you have a modest level of talent, you'll be okay. I mean that guy who lifted up his easy chair with a bunch of helium balloons and he brought his gun so he could let himself down easy, that guy was a Midwestern guy. There you go. It doesn't matter where you live, Jordan. If you have enough balloons and helium, you can raise up anything. The championship hot dog eater.

That's the take home here, I think. If you have enough balloons and helium, you can raise up anything. Yes. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go. can raise up anything yes we'll be back in just a second and jordan jesse go jordan jesse i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweet jordan morris boy detective we're wrapping things up here jordan bringing things to a head blowing our stacks you know what i mean You know what I mean? Slushing into our shorts.

Peeing our pants. Ending the podcast. Action item on this week's program. What grand task have you undertaken that has failed particularly miserably? Yes, what's broken you? I feel like this is going to be be what I want is something really juicy. Give me something juicy. Don't tell me that you decided you were going to start working out and then you kind of petered out after a couple of days.

Yeah, I don't want to hear that. I want something good and I think there's people out there who have undertaken some mighty projects that have had disastrous consequences. We're talking failed magazine. Absolutely. Jacuzzi in the backyard. 206-984-4FUN is the number to backyard. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN.

Getting the cat to walk on a leash. By the way, Jordan, we got another email from a fella who asked us, among other things, how do we make our livings? Yes. Well, Jordan, you have a fat cat Hollywood industry gig. I do. Making literally tens of thousands of dollars a year working in the action sports industry.

Yes. You also make a little bit of money from this podcast. Sure. We split our sponsor revenue 50-50. Yes. I work in this. This is what I do for my living full-time. Don't do anything else.

And in a couple of weeks, the pledge drive is coming up. So if you really like Jordan Jesse Go, get ready to write a check in a couple of weeks to support Maximum Fun in the San Diego, America, Jordan Jesse Go, Casper Hauser Comedy Podcast, Coil and Sharp, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Podcast, Coil and Sharp, etc. etc. etc. etc. Sounds reasonable, right? Yeah, why not? People are going to do that.

People who care enough to listen to Jordan, Jesse, Go every week may care enough to get up off their two bucks a month or what have you. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's going to work out that way. Yeah, just think about the entertainment amount that you get from it. Spend the next three weeks thinking about that and when the pledge drive comes around,

write that check. Boom, whip it out. Our theme music is by the Free Design. It is called Love You. By the way, remember last week when you ate some Smills?

I think they were called Smills. Something. Smill is the candy that in the Scandinavian countries, the advertisements, the music is. Love you by the Free Design. Wow. Courtesy of Light in the Attic Records here, you should go buy the best of the Free Design CD because it's really great.

And that's about it. We'll see you next week on Jordan Jesse Go. Yep.