Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 600: Millennial Kraken with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: September 3, 2019

Fan-favorite Chris Fairbanks (Do You Need a Ride? podcast, stand up comedy) joins Jordan and Jesse to celebrate their 600th episode and take calls from listeners about momentous occasions that have happened in their life since the show started. We hear from someone who had twins born two years apart, a true baseball hero, and a midwife who delivered her first baby in spectacular fashion. Happy 600 episodes, thanks for listening for all these years!!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. This is Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Thanks for getting right into it, Chris. Normally, that's not how it works, but I like your presumption. I know. I've made that mistake before.

I enjoyed... But you're, you know, you're the... You're one of our usuals. You're a regular. Just get in the... Jump in the pool, baby. The water's temperate. That's what they say, right?

Jump in the pool, baby. The water's temperate. That was me just showcasing how comfortable I am around you two. Yeah. I mean, and it shows. And I love that you're nude, by the way. You know what? That's also a great sign of comfort.

Jordan, I don't mean to no but here. Chris is not actually nude, but he does have a swimsuit and a towel draped over his knee. It's true. Yes. In actuality. That's real, yes. In actuality. That's real. The nude thing was false. I went to a swim party and I did not swim, so I just still have my stuff.

Your dry suit. I used a share ride app to get here. Why did you choose not to swim? You know, the sun had reached its pinnacle prior to me arriving. Hmm. Yeah, so I, you know. The old sun issue. Yeah, the old earth spinning.

Sure. It was only 91 degrees instead of 96 like it was earlier today. Five degrees makes so much difference when it comes to me showcasing my breaststroke. Yeah. That's me just grabbing a poolside lady. You, uh, nuts.

You, uh, you have a, your swim trunks are, um, ostentatious. Yes. In a fun way. They are.

They have, they are pink and they have rubber ducks on them. They are specifically rubber duckies and they are very specifically pink. But the, the shorts are pink and the ducks are a traditional duck yellow. Yes, yes, yes. Is this like a lifestyle for you? Are you peacocking?

Is this part of the game? You know, I read his book and it was either this or wearing ski goggles on top of a beanie. You made the right choice, my friend. But who's to say you can't add some ski goggles and a beanie? Whatever you need to neg a threesome or a triple set. Yeah. Oh, God.

What a monster, right? Those were the days. Yeah. And then those people turned into Nazis. Hooray. Well, anyway, congratulations to us on 600 episodes. 600 episodes. So, Jordan, Jesse Go.

A lot of them. This is our 600th episode. Thank you to every single one of you Jordan, Jesse Go listeners who's gotten us this far. And, frankly, thank you to us for the inertia that has borne us from our start some 12 years ago in the second bedroom, not even a second bedroom, in a sort of like an ante room to the bedroom. Like a sewing room.

Like a little sewing room. Right. Yeah, or like a changing room maybe it was. I mean, the podcast started out as sewing tips. Yeah, that's true. And then people just kind of liked the banter and they liked the guests. So we decided to lean into that

and then kind of back off the sewing stuff. We haven't done a sewing segment in some time. Well, we did a little bit of back alley surgery stuff, which is sort of like a type of sewing material. You can utilize sewing skills when you're a mob doctor. Yeah. Hatching dudes up in the back of a strip club. Wait, can I ask you guys a serious question?

No. This is on the subject of becoming a mob doctor. So the other day, there was this thing going around Twitter that was like, how did you apply for college before the internet? And I think when, Jordan, at least when you and I- Is this the world's worst meme? No, it wasn't a meme. It was just like somebody was asking that question

and people were answering how they found out about colleges. It was like the anime guy and he's looking at a butterfly and he's like, is this applying to college before the internet? It's my favorite meme. Sure. Just plug in what you want. You know, and the best part about it, easy to understand. And I think I definitely comprehend all of them.

Jordan, you and I. Never one made sense. No. You and I are at like the oldest age you can be about where there was definitely internet. You could definitely like submit your application online or at least print it out from online, all that kind of stuff. But someone who was older than us said,

well, I was lucky enough to have – it was actually Ted Leo, past Jordan Jesuit Bill guest Ted Leo said, I had an old-school helpful guidance counselor. And it made me wonder what your guidance counselors were like because helpful is the absolute last word I would use to describe Gordon Chalmers, the part-time guidance counselor. Chalmers.

Yeah. Sounds like a, sounds like a, a mean teacher. They prank an animal house. That's basically who he was. He was not mean. He was only,

he basically, well, you know, I went to arts high school. So, like, the only advice that he had was you should apply to Juilliard or you should go to City College. Okay. Those were the only two tracks. And granted, that's 75% of my high school. I'm not saying he was entirely wrong. Right, right. He maybe had good advice.

Yeah, but maybe when someone untalented with good SAT scores walked in, that's me, then maybe those weren't the best advice. Yeah, I mean I visited my high school guidance counselor once and don't really remember what went down. I don't remember being traumatized by it in any way, so it's probably fine, although I could be repressing the trauma. But I don't think so. Did you figure out what to do yourself? What do you mean? As far as what college to go to?

Yeah, I think I didn't get into a ton of colleges. Hell yeah, you see Santa Cruz, baby. Yeah, exactly. Banana slug. My only financial option was to go to an in-state college. So I didn't apply to the Embersons of the world. Right. So yeah, it was like in-state or nothing, in-state or – so yeah, I think I applied to a couple and UC Santa Cruz was the most fun one I visited.

So yeah, not a huge – it was not a huge process. Nor is it an interesting story. It's a bad story. No, but you weren't traumatized. That's true. I remember going to my high school guidance counselor's house for like – he invited me and my friend over and all of the prettiest girls in high school were at his house. And I didn't realize that maybe that was questionable until right this moment. Wow.

I do not. But he was – I don't think there was any foul play. But, man. So no one was murdered. It is hitting – yeah. There was no Columbo crime-solving that needed to and i do i do remember visiting the uc santa cruz guidance counselor once uh for you know some advice on like post-college stuff internships and the like i think i was looking for internships and i remember asking him you know if there's any internships for you know

tv and film and the only thing he came back with was a like an assistant to the camera person at the local news in San Jose. And I'm like, oh, I have gone to a college that has no interest in legitimate showbiz, unless you count agitprop street clowning as showbiz, which they did. I mean, yeah. At UC Santa Cruz. Well, and performance unicycling. Sure, yeah. Like where you do tricks.

Uh-huh. And, of course, tantric puppeteering. That's where you don't come until the end of the show? Right. Until Punch hits Judy in just the right way.

Then you blast in the park. The kids love it. The kids do love it. Yeah. Glenn Washington, our friend who hosts Snap Judgment. I've never met this man. You never met Glenn?

You didn't meet him at Max Fun Con? He came to Max Fun Con. You didn't meet Glenn at Max Fun Con? I'm busy at Max Fun Con. I'm practicing my whittling. Okay. Yes. The advanced pencil sharpening?

Sure, yeah. That's a reference to old 14. David Reese, baby. Those were the days. Glenn Washington told me that his guidance counselor told him he should go into toilet repair. Oh, well. And I was like, are you just saying plumbing in a cute way? Or did he actually say toilet repair?

He did walk into the interview covered head to toe and shit. Is this the fault of a faulty toilet? Can I give you some short term guidance? Yeah. I know we're supposed to have our eyes on the horizon here, but can we deal with some immediate concerns? Okay, because it is our 600th episode, we have decided to put the call out on social media

that we're willing to take telephone calls live on the air from listeners about what is the moment, most momentous thing that has happened to you in the last dozen years since we started Jordan, Jesse go. I should have taken that fucking job in San Jose. I know I could have worked my way up. I could be like a segment producer for the local news in San Jose right now. That's called a journalist.

Jordan, Jordan. Yeah. You could be at the Tech Museum of Innovation right now. Yeah, I could be at dog shows. You could be at the Shark Tank cheering on legendary shark Owen Nolan. You could be interviewing a teen that's collecting money for, I don't know, let's say dogs. interviewing a teen that's collecting money for, I don't know, let's say dogs. You could be talking to an uncomfortable street band who just saw an intersex collision. Intersection.

Intersex collision. Have you guys been to one of these intersex collisions? They're called orgies. Can't seem to get the invite. It's one of those password type things, right? Where you have to get the password on Facebook. The specific knock. Now, there's a long tradition of call-in talk radio.

Many, many years of call-in talk radio. It's existed since the 50s or 60s where hosts will talk about controversial topics. They'll take calls. What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? Should the Jets trade whoever or whatever the question is. I hope we talk about sports. Yeah. And I just want to let people know that those shows and stations have what's called telephone systems.

Right. Our station show, this program, does not. We have a burner Google voice number that Brian set up. Sure. Brian has a go bag at all times. He has a lot of burner flip phones. He gets a 7-Eleven in case the shit goes down. This phone number just routes directly to the one telephone that's outside the studio. So if you're looking for a curated experience listening to this week's program, it being our 600th, we cannot offer you that.

All we can offer you is whatever asshole sees the Twitter post and calls the phone number. And hopefully a few people will come through. But I just want to lower expectations on this very special episode. Jordan, Jesse, go. We have somebody. Okay. Caller, you're on the air. What's your name?

Where are you calling from? My name is Mackenzie. I'm calling from Denver, Colorado. Oh, that's nice. What's that, the Mile High City? That's what they say, the Queen City of the Plains. You know, do you ever worry, Jordan? We'll get to you in a second here, Mackenzie. Yeah.

Do you ever worry when Brian... I try not to. When Brian laughs at something that's clearly not a joke, like when I said, what's that? The Mile High City? Right. Which is just the actual... Like if I said, what's that, the Mile High City? Right. Which is just the actual, like if I said, what's that, the Windy City? Right. Or if I said, oh, yeah, the Big Apple. It is indeed the Mile High.

It is actually the Mile High City. So what I feel like is, what I worry is, is he just waiting to stab us in the back? Is the whole thing a lie? If he'll laugh at a pure non-joke like that, is this like a fucking long game that Brian's playing? Yeah, man. I don't think you're being paranoid at all.

I think he's just trying to ease us into a new segment. Okay. With encouragement. I mean, obviously, this is intimidating. Yeah. Well, you know, I guess we've done this maybe once before on a bonus episode or something. Really? Life calls like this? Yeah, so this is

totally new, and I think what Brian is doing is just giving us some signals, like, hey guys, you're doing great. Right. Even if we're not. Right. Mackenzie, Denver, Colorado, you're on the air with your heroes, Jordan, Jesse, go. That's Jordan and Jesse, and of course the great Chris Fairbanks.

What a joy it is for you to be here with us right now. What an honor. Yeah. Live from Denver, Colorado, the Mile High City. And I really liked how you said that with a non-shitty tone. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, you know, we're here.

Mile High. We're here in the Queen City. Yeah. Actually, I must confess, you know, we're here. Mile high. We're here in the Queen City. Yeah. Actually, I must confess, I'm not actually in Denver. I am in the suburb. So fucking Brian. So Mackenzie and Brian. We're in Westminster. I am not in Westminster. I'm in Edgewater. I know the area.

Yeah. I know the area. I also am familiar with Edgewater. Wow. Yeah. What would you say are your top three Edgewater memories? Well, you know, it's that time I was exactly on the side of the riverbed. Yeah. Sure.

Only because there's a lake here. The lake bed is what I meant. Mackenzie, I assume people call you Mack. You know, every now and again. Yeah, but it's just like fun, cool people, right? Yeah. When you dunk. Yeah, fun, cool people.

When you dunk. You get a Ken sometimes. I want to ask you a question about when you're dunking. Yeah. When you dunk, do you yell, get ready for the Mac attack? Wait, after or before? Every time. While you're winding up to do the dunk.

Okay. It's actually prepare for the Mac attack, but I appreciate the proximity. That is better. It's more polite. Mac, tell us what is the most momentous thing that has happened to you in the last 12 years? What is your most momentous occasion? So 10 years ago, it's almost reaching the mark there. I was in high school in Michigan, and I played in a ska core band. Oh, good.

Keep talking. We got an opportunity to— Hold on, hold on, Mac. I don't— Ska core. Is there a difference between a ska band Band and a Ska Corps Band? Yeah. Is a Ska Corps like a Bugle Corps?

C-O-R-P-S. They play taps when a goofball in a Hawaiian shirt dies. It's more like Slayer meets Real Big Fish. It's a real ugly lime and cream combo. Okay. What were you guys called? Did you incorporate the word ska into your name? We did not.

And I will leave that a mystery. But we did get an opportunity to open for the Misfits in Detroit. Hey, that's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty solid. Yeah, it was kind of neat. Not the dancing Misfits, though, like the other Misfits in Detroit. Hey, that's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty solid. Yeah, it was kind of neat. Not the dancing Misfits, though, like the other Misfits? Oh, yeah, not the original Misfits. No, it was Jerry Only and Two Hired Guns or something.

I don't know. Well, I take it back when I said that was cool. Yeah, it wasn't as cool as you might think. It was cool for me. No, that's great. No, that is genuinely very cool. They gave us 50 tickets to sell, and I put 20 through the washing machine. Wow.

And I brought them to the promoter at the show, and he said, he looked at the tickets, and then he looked at me, and then he looked away, looked back at me, and he said, If you weren't a kid, I would break your fucking nose. Holy shit! Oh my god. Put him through the washing machine. And he let us play anyway, but gave us a very bad time slot.

But it was still a momentous occasion. I mean, the good news is they fucking saved the rec center. Yeah. We saved the rec center. We did it. And now, what became of the Ska core band? Did your fame grow from there?

Did you go your separate ways? The Drum and Fife broke off and started their own thing. Certainly not. We broke up maybe a year later, and then I moved to Colorado and did music stuff out here. How's the Ska scene in Colorado? Well, I'm not playing in a ska band, unfortunately. I would love to. Change that. It's never been hotter.

It's never been a better business decision than to join a ska band. Sounds to me like you have to pick it up. I guess I gotta pick it up. Pick it up? Pick it up. What do you do now? What sort of music do you do now?

So I play in like an indie punk band, sort of. Okay. So a much hotter genre. Yeah, yeah. I like those genres. Yeah, yeah. A little bit hotter, a little more in demand. The music of 15, not 20 years ago.

Right. Exactly. And do you have any hot opening slots coming up? I mean, now that the real Misfits are back together, do you think you could open for them? Maybe kind of use that as a way to kind of get in the door? I open for, like, the shitty version of you. Yeah, you have the initial connection. I mean, we could certainly try.

You still have Jerry's number? I wish I had Jerry's number. Holy heck. Yeah, that'd be neat. You still have Jerry's number? I wish I had Jerry's number. Holy heck. Yeah, that'd be neat. You could text with him. This is about a fun picture that you saw. Yeah. Hey, Jerry.

Tell me all about his machine shop. Yeah. Hey, Jerry, what's it like being in your mid-50s and still dressing up like a monster on stage? Anyway. Well, Matt. Yeah. Well, Mac, thank you for being the first caller on our all-caller Jordan Jesse Go 600th episode. Spectacular. Yes, that's right, folks.

It's the 600th episode of Jordan Jesse Go, and we're going to be cutting out our voices and leaving only the unexplained telephone track. Holy heck. Well, thanks for having me. Mac seems like a nice guy, and I really love his catchphrase, holy heck. That was fun. Holy heck is a nice catchphrase. It's very punk rock. Yeah, yeah, it really is.

Yeah, because he doesn't really care who he pisses off. There's nothing more punk rock than not taking the Lord's name in vain. Yeah. And also, I mean, heck is not that holy if you ask me. Oh, right. Yeah. Holy Christ is what I was thinking about. Whoops.

I mean, if you guys think about it. Yeah. Wasn't Jesus kind of the first punk rocker? Hold on. I need to turn my chair around. Think about it. He had crazy hair. He had-

Worked so far far always giving out wine strung out on horse sure yeah exactly and you know and then just fucking shit up at cbgb's yeah he was always there well he did piss in some pretty nasty bathrooms. Sure, yeah, that's true. That's funk rock. Yeah. Just like an Aramaic hole. Yeah, all bathrooms at the time were probably pretty nasty. Yeah. But that's how he turned you from being blind

into a man with vision is he peed on your eyes. A lot of people, most people don't know. I don't know. Well, it depends on what translation. It depends on what translation of the Bible you're reading. Yeah, yeah. The King James Version, you know, it leads out the part about peeing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chris read the Mile High Version. Sure. Yeah, the Denver Old Testament. Brian, do we have another call? Caller, you're on Jordan Jesse Go. Please say your name and location. Hey, this is Jeremy from Brooklyn, New location. Hey, this is Jeremy from Brooklyn, New York. This is Jeremy from Brooklyn.

We know this guy. We know this questionable character. Yeah, Jeremy, you're a beloved regular at MaxFun events near and far. Yeah. But, yeah, it's great to talk to you. Jeremy, what is the most momentous thing that has happened to you in the last 12 years? I believe it's something that actually happened somewhat recently. I attended my first dog pool party. It was part of a charity event with about 70 dogs and about five inflatable children's pools.

And it was perhaps the most overwhelmed I've ever been as a human being. Oh, that sounds awful. What was the cause? What were the dogs? It was for a local charity dog rescue. I would like it if it was a non-dog cause. I think I would like this story a little bit better for the ACLU. Sure, yeah. Just raising money. With the turnout and everything,

it would absolutely work. I'm considering just sort of, it's going to be the new Patreon, basically. Instead of asking people for money, you just throw dog pool parties. Yeah, I mean, I could get 70 dogs. Yeah? How would you start? What would be the first step to getting – Well, you have – Well, I'd start at –

You have two years. A good dog pool party always starts at home. Right. Sure. First of all – Globally act locally. Exactly. My two dogs, Coco and Sissy.

And there's a few dogs I know around the neighborhood. So that would add up to about six. Pasadena City College flea market, dogs are allowed. So I'd steal some dogs there. Sure, why not? Oh. And then I'd get a block of wax and sneak it into the Pasadena Humane Society, Pasadena, California. Not far from where we are.

I'd make an impression of the jailer's key. Oh, okay. And then I'd let loose the hounds. And you think they would follow you to a pool party instead of just escaping? Yeah, well, I mean, if I had let them loose, I think they would feel a certain measure of gratitude. Sure. I mean, these dogs are staring down the possibility that they could either find a new home and

a new life or that their life could end there at the Pasadena Humane Society. I think the Pasadena Humane Society is no kill. So they just would live forever at the Pasadena Humane Society, which nobody wants that. They've got a crocodile there. Oh, man. Yeah, you're constantly living in fear of that croc. Oh, yeah.

It's like if you lived on Crocodile Mile, where you run, you slide, and you hit the bump and take a dive, but you've got to watch out for the rocks. That would be a special kind of hell to live inside that. Truly terrible. Summertime children's toy. Jeremy, did you pet any dogs at this dog event? You bet I did. And got so many kisses. What's the top three dogs that you petted and kissed at this dog pool party?

Breed and name. No names, but there were two giant... What are they called? The giant clouds. The samoyeds, who were wet from the pool, so they looked like rainy clouds. Oh, yeah. I'm going to count those two. And there was a brown, I think, beagle, something else, mutt, mixed with a Hawaiian shirt and lei, who was a real summer boy.

That sounds good. I'd kiss that dog. I'd let him kiss me square on the lips. The anonymity to this makes it seem kind of like some sort of an eyes wide shut type of deal. That's what I think it is. I'm picturing the dogs in Mardi Gras masks. Yeah. Did any of the-

A blindfolded man playing the piano. Tom Cruise is there. Yeah. All the dogs have a ball gag. Well, Jeremy, thank you for calling, and thank you for listening to Jordan Jesse Go for over 75 years. 75 years of entertainment. That's what we're celebrating on episode number 62 of Jordan Jesse Go.

Thank you. Thank you, Jeremy. Chris Fairbanks? Yeah? Would you go to a dog pool party? God, of course I would. Were there any dogs at the pool party you just went to? No.

Yes, there was. There was at the end. One of these wrinkly-faced little—I'm more of a cat man, so I don't know dog breeds, but he had a wrinkly, squished face. Sure. His eyes were buggy. A little pug or a sharpay or something? It was some kind of a bull dog, an English one,

but he had the little legs. He was the dog from Invasion of the Bot. He was like, can I have a bone? Or was he like, can I have a bone, please? Or was he like, I would like a bone.

That one. He was that last one. It was a French bulldog. Yeah, yeah. He had a very, he had a little sword. That's what that was. I will not be going in the pool, for I do not bathe.

What is this stereotype about me? Well, I'm carrying a big baguette. Off to cheat on my wife. Then he rode off on a bike with a basket, with those baguettes. Wait, that wasn't a dog. That was Gerard Depardieu. Ah, the sexiest man in America, 1996. Brian, do we have another call?

Look, these people are calling like crazy. Hey, man. I got to assume it's because I'm here. Can you imagine what a thrill it would be? You call into Jordan, Jessica. This is already one of the best days of your life. Yeah, just when you hear the dial tone. Ring, ring, ring.

Oh, shit. I got through you saying to yourself. Yeah. Jordan and Jesse answer the phone. Yeah. These two are two of your favorite entertainers in your entire, that you've ever, I mean, Sammy Davis Jr. Yeah, yeah.

When you were younger. Certainly. And then later on, Gregory Hines. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Then Savion Glover. You can list everyone that can tap dance. Yeah.

It's going to be one of them. Sure. Sammy Davis Jr. and then tap dancers. And then Homie the Clown. Can Sammy Davis Jr. not tap dance? Oh, I bet if you asked him to. I think Sammy Davis can tap dance. I just...

Okay, let's go back. Out of instinct. First of all, Bill Bojangles Robinson. Mm-hmm. Then Gregory Hines. Yep. Then Savion Glover. Now we've listed all the tap dancers with which I am familiar.

Sure. What about Two-Toes Jackson? Well, there's always Two-Toes. Old Two-Toes. Oh, God. He lost three of his toes in a farm thresher, but it gave him a great curveball. Brian, do we have the caller on the line? Caller, where are you calling from?

And what's your name? I'm Katie. I'm in Washington, D.C. Oh. Is that our nation's capital? It is. See, again, Brian is, I don't know that it's... He's just helping us out. He's just encouraging us. It's a new segment. It is. what their most momentous, momentous occasion has been in the past 12 years.

And we're also asking them to tailor a question specifically for Chris Fairbanks. So if you could do those two things, that would be great. Oh, I didn't know that part of it. Yeah, we're adding that. What a privilege. Adding the pressure on, right? Yeah, and do that one first, actually. Katie, we're actually doing three things with each caller.

First of all, we're finding out the most momentous thing that's happened to them in the last dozen or so years since we started Jordan Jessica. The second thing is we are asking for a question tailored specifically for comedian Chris Fairbanks. And third of all, we're asking all of our callers if they've

been to the Postal Museum in Washington D.C. and met Oney the Postal Dog. So, D.C. Sure. And met Oney the Postal Dog. So, yeah, so just go ahead and tackle those three things. I guess in any order you see fit. Okay. Yeah. Well, my romanticization, so I'm a nurse midwife,

and when you first graduate from midwifery school and you get your first job, you work with another nurse midwife. They make sure that you're competent. You're not going to hurt anybody. So you go and do your first few deliveries together. And so I'm in the hospital. It's a really busy labor and delivery floor. So midwives are kind of like, so if I can just stop you there.

I just need a point of clarification. I just need to put this in a box I can understand. So midwives are a lot like Jedi. There's always a teacher and a student. Well, it is when you're first learning. So, yeah, you learn from one another. But just like all of, like, nurses and doctors, you know, you all learn from one another when you're

beginning all kind of like apprenticeship type learning. So kind of in the time that this story takes place, you're kind of in the Darth Maul role. Kind of, yes. I'm very beginning. I'm a learner. Right. I think I could help Katie with this. Starting out. How many energy blades does your lightsaber have, and what color is it? Now we're speaking. Yeah. Yeah, now I think we can finally hash this out. Yeah.

I don't know if I have enough Star Wars nerd knowledge to know about this. I'm with you. I got nervous. That question came about, and my back started to sweat. I've come to the end of the line as well, Chris. So Katie, you're a nurse midwife. I think I'm beginning to grasp it. And you're on one of your first rotations.

You're with my Aunt Claudia there in Washington, D.C., midwife doula, Aunt Claudia. So I've graduated. I've got my license. This is, like, the first time I'm, like, on my own, where, like, I have my own license, and I'm, like, supposed to be able to be, like, I make all the decisions by myself.

But they start you out with another nurse midwife just to, like, to get your sea legs and make sure you're competent. This is an ocean birth? Yeah, it's on a boat. No, no. So in a hospital, I'm with my first patient, you know, and you're excited and, you know, it's going to be my first delivery. But it's taking a while. It's her first baby.

Just so you know, from having kids, that first baby can take a while. Katie, Jordan asked a point of clarification. I'm wondering if you could clarify. On the subject of babies, where do babies come from? Because I've heard different things from different people. Now, I do know where babies come from. I'm just wondering, what if I don't live near the cabbage patch? Right.

But I want a son all to myself. Where do I get that son? Katie, Jordan just wants a son. I just need a son. Carry on his name and legacy. I don't know where the cabbage patch is. I put it into Google Maps. Now, Jordan, I think I can help you.

Katie, you can just tell me if you know something. I didn't get a son. The sandwich is pretty good. Tell me if this is right. You can tell me if this is right. That's where the strokes come in. You know, you've got to hook up with one. That's where the strokes come in. Okay. You know, you got to like hook up with one of them.

Yeah. They'll take care of it for you. Okay. Plus, free pickles. Now, Katie, I've been told that babies come from mommies. Interesting. Seems like you got some bad intel. Now, here's my follow-up question.

Could Jordan use my mommy to get a son? Sure. Because he wants one bad. Did she drive me to the cabbage patch? That would be between the two of you. Okay. And your wife. Okay.

So you're terribly nervous because this is your first time running the show. Yeah. But, you know, excited. Like, this is going to be great. My first birth, like, where I'm running the show. So a nurse comes into the room and she's like, my patient is about to deliver and her doctor's not going to get here fast enough. Can one of you come in and deliver this baby? And I was like, hell yeah, I am in there. Like, this is going to be awesome. So we run into the room. I just, I'm putting my gloves on. I'm like introducing myself.

Hi, I'm Katie. I just need to check you, see where things are going. And the mom is like, oh, my God, I'm going to throw up. She leans over the edge of the bed, throws up, and the baby shoots out, and I barely catch it before it flies off the end of the bed. It shoots out? Yeah, sure. It can shoot out?

Like if you had a piece of melon in your hand and you squeezed, and there's that space sort of at the base of your thumb towards your pointer finger, that area just... Well, I'm not going to... You've seen a childbirth. I have three children myself,

and it just kind of shoots out like a pea shooter or a potato gun. Yeah. That's sort of the analogy I would draw. I really thought the baby came from the actual sneeze. That's what I had decided. It came from the sneeze. To a very weird religious school.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, Katie, I feel like the good news here, Katie, is that the patient here, the mother-to-be turned mother, she didn't vomit out the baby. Right. Right. Correct. Yeah. So everything was working normally. Yeah. But that is kind of an amazing mental picture you've painted, is someone on a hospital bed shooting a baby out of one end and vomiting out the other simultaneously.

Now I'm picturing a birth situation that's sort of like that time that Jose Canseco was going back on a fly ball, and then he lost it and it bounced off his head and over the wall. How is that similar? It's like basically I'm just picturing possible bloopers. Oh, sure, yeah. I haven't gotten to practical jokes yet. I'm focused on bloopers so far. Right. Yeah, I mean, I think that, I mean, obviously, I think this situation and the one you're talking about would do great with some Bob Saget voiceover. Him doing that one

voice he always did in Dearing America's Funniest Home Videos. He's one of the best, isn't he? Always Bob, always... Consummate. Katie, have you delivered many babies in the time since? I've probably delivered about 1,000 babies. Holy moly! Have you ever full-on dropped one, or has one ever bounced off your head and over the wall for a home run? Unfortunately, neither. Good.

It's not that exciting, but I've had many beautiful babies it's a real privilege and a few real stinkers oh yeah and sometimes they come out and they're pooping so that's always you know interesting have you ever worked with my Aunt Claudia before? I haven't, but I love that she's a doula. That's awesome. She's a doula and a midwife now. She's also a certified midwife. Good for her.

Don't you doubt her midwifery. That's awesome. Do you prefer midwifery or midwifery? Midwifery. Yeah, me too. It's definitely better. If it isnery or midwifery? Midwifery. Yeah, me too. It's definitely better. If it isn't a thing, it is now. Midwifery does sound like a porn website search category. Yeah, yeah.

It does, totally. Midwifery sounds like a genre of medieval music. Sure, right. I think it's sting does now. Okay, so there's two more parts to the call. It's a question for Chris Fairbanks, and then you have to tell us if you've been to the Postal Museum. I don't even know what to ask Chris Fairbanks. Yeah, I mean.

He's like putting me on the spot. No, I know. Oh, you're right. It's hard. I wouldn't want to be put in your position right now. Chris, have you ever been present for the birth of a child? I will take it. No, I have not.

No siblings, no nieces and nephews. No, no. I've been invited. No times when you were just traipsing through the hospital. I've been invited to a lot. I just was busy. Yeah. Yeah.

We're all so busy. Oh, with the glut of prestige television. Oh, yeah. With the glut of prestige television. Oh, sure. So much binge watching to do. I love to binge. Handmaid's Tale, Russian Doll, Glow. I mean, give it to me. Yeah.

Put it in my vein. Each one better than the last. The golden age of television and at best the silver age of childbirth. I can watch children being born on television. Sure. Katie, have you ever been to the Postal Museum there in

Washington, D.C.? I haven't been inside. I've walked by it many times. But now that I know there's a dog in there, is it like a live dog that's like their mascot or is it like a statue? It is a taxidermy dog. Taxidermy dog. Oh, that's amazing.

But it has a coat made out of the medals it earned as a postal dog. Each postal area, it would ride the postal trains and each new postal unit it would visit and help, they would give it a medal for being such a good dog until its coat of medals was too heavy for it to carry around. So then they had to start a new coat of medals. It's actually what killed it. He was crushed by his own medals. A bad back. The dog died of a bad back.

Yeah, his new bad back. The dog died of a bad back. Katie, congratulations to you on having an important and useful job, and our apologies for the work that we do. Thank you for calling in, Jessica. Congratulations on your 600th episode. This is awesome. You provide so much laughter and joy in my life.

Well, man, you get what what a sweet, come on. She's talking to us, Chris. I know, but I was going to let you know. She's obviously not a fan or she would have had a question for you. Oh, God. I mean, there's only so many podcasts that you can listen to with all these live birth TV shows going on. Sure.

Katie, thanks so much. Is that what secession is about? I've been hearing about secession. Is that just a live birth show? You too. All right. I know what secession is about. I've been hearing about secession. Is that just a live birth show? You too. All right. Katie's staying up late there in Washington, D.C. to give us a call.

That's, yeah. That's on the East Coast. But babies are being born 24-7. Yeah. That is a good point, Jordan. They're not punching the clock 9 to 5. I'm thinking back, and none of these babies that I have were born to my schedule. Right. It's like, hey, maybe talk to my secretary.

Right. Okay. Well, that's maybe on you. You're going to want to start a shared Google calendar. Right. With an unborn baby. Yeah, I guess I didn't give them edit privileges. That's the problem.

I gave it look only. Right. Sure. These babies. Busy signal or whatever that's called. They can only tell whether you have an appointment. They can't tell what it is. So sometimes I'll have an appointment.

There's stuff I have to do to prep for that appointment, but it looks like it's open on my calendar. Chris, at this pool party, were people drinking White Claws? Man, these White Claws are everywhere. They weren't at this party, but I've actually succumbed to the White Claw society. The White Claw is the alcoholic LaCroix. Okay. I was about to say, is that one of these alcoholic seltzers? Yeah.

It feels like you're hydrating yourself. It feels healthy almost, but you're basically drinking a sparkly vodka. Does it not taste like vodka and soda or whatever? It is just barely enough flavor where like a LaCroix, when you drink it, there's just a hint of flavor, enough to make you mad that there isn't more flavor. Does it have as much alcohol as a beer or like a mixed drink? Sure. I think it's maybe 5% to 6%. Oh, yeah.

That's solid. Yeah. And they're all maybe 5-6%. Oh yeah, that's solid. And they're all over the place. Everyone's drinking them. For a while, it was embarrassing. You get them, you're like, what am I going to a, you know, some kind of a boat party or maybe a bachelorette situation? It seems like a drink that I was introduced by my friend's wives

and now it's my go-to when I'm admitting it now, that and Truly. Oh, that's Truly's the other brand. It is amazing. Beer weighs you down. Yeah, that's true. Bloaty. You get bloaty.

Yeah, that is something that's been an embarrassment to me over the past couple years. I mean, the topic of aging comes up a lot on this show. And yeah, definitely how sleepy I feel after one and a half beers is really embarrassing. Yeah, I can't anymore. Yeah. That's why I started riding that white pony. Sure. Why not?

Sure. You want me to stay up? Behold my needlework. Bailey's Irish Cream. Oh, gosh. Only when bowling. I do like how, I mean,

and I think, you know, based on what it is, you know, those sparkling seltzers, good, I mean, and I think you were

kind of described, you know, a kind of, you know, feeling like there was a stigma around it. Right. Do I want to be seen

drinking one of these? Sure. Who are these for? I still feel embarrassed. But I think calling it White Claw was a genius move. Yeah, yeah.

You would say like, hey, here's the fucking, this sounds like a sword that Jon Snow would carry. Just an Aryan. Wield your White Claw. Yeah, yeah. Just a murderer of the sky. Sure. It sounds like a metal band at the State Fair. Oh, God.

That's a great name for a metal band. Yeah. Yeah. We got to take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, Jordan, let me tell you this. Yes. A lot of people think that nobody brings them Jordan, Jesse, go. It's just not true.

It's naturally occurring. It's just, yeah, like a geyser. No, it's not. This is no geyser. This is brought to you. This is like a Frankenstein. It requires the hand of man to interfere with God's will. Exactly.

We are playing God by bringing you this show. We're brought to you, of course, by all the members of Maximum Fun. Everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash donate to join Max Fun and support Jordan, Jesse Go. We're also this week brought to you by our friends at Dashlane, which is a password management app that keeps all your online information safe, secure, encrypted, and easy to access. I'm talking about all the information, not just addresses. But there's more? Yeah, not just addresses. Also, all your passwords.

Also, all your login information. Wow. Also, it syncs across all your devices. Also, you can go ahead and get weird with your passwords because Dashlane will remember it. Yeah. Or if you don't feel like getting weird yourself, Dashlane will, and I'm reading the copy here, generate a real stumper for you.

Yeah. So not only are they providing- As I've said before, I'm generating a stumper just thinking about it. They don't just provide security, but they give you instant stumpers. Instant stumpers. You know, at some point I realized when I was like 16 or 17 that all my dad's passwords were just 696969. Classic. Classic dad.

My dad is a cool guy. Classic. Classic dad. My dad is a cool guy. Anyway, check out Dashlane.com slash JJGo to get Dashlane free on your first device. And as a special offer for Jordan Jesse Go fans, they're even offering a 30-day free trial of Dashlane Premium, including VPN, dark web monitoring, and more. And if you like it, you can use the code JJGO at checkout to save 10% on your premium subscription. We've also got something up on the Jumbotron this week, Jordan. We sure do.

Stories of adventure, intrigue, espionage, fantasy, and science fiction await you on Chronosphere Fiction Podcast. Climb aboard and join our travels through the spectral streams search for chronosphere fiction podcast wherever you listen to podcasts for entertainment and subscribe can i tell you something jordan please i'm not i'm not getting in those spectral streams because i fucking hate ghosts come on get in man too spooky baby they're bad. No, they're super spooks. Some of them are nice. They're spookaroonies. Some of them will help you to realize that you have worth and you shouldn't jump off that bridge like at...

Oh, I'm thinking of angels. Jordan. I'm thinking of angels. Ghosts are bad. It doesn't matter. I don't want to grow. Is an angel a ghost? Yeah, an angel's a type of ghost.

Oh. Angel's one of the- Well, now I don't know what to think. Well, do you know the difference between an angel and a ghost? Just the wings, I guess, right? Is there more? No. Opacity.

Oh, right, right, right. Sure, yes. So you can see through a ghost. You can see through a ghost, but an angel, you can't do it. I mean, there's a variety of levels of opacity depending on local regulations, sort of like window tinting. Sure, yeah. And if you're Slimer or not. Yeah.

But that's a good point. Well, no. I think you've just demonstrated Slimer's an angel. Oh, yeah. I mean, we all thought he was. You can kind of see through Slimer, but not really. That's what you meant by different levels. I don't know.

I think he might be. Well, you don't think he's an angel? What do you think he is? He is when he's sleeping. Have you ever seen Slimer when he's sleeping? He's a little angel. The rest of the time, he's a little stinker. That's true.

Gobbling up all the hot dogs in the hotel. Slimer is, if nothing else, proof that you can be a ghost and a little stinker. That's true. Summer is, if nothing else, proof that you can be a ghost and a little stinker. That's true. We also have, it's the end of summer, and we have Summer Boy merchandise in the Max Fun Store, along with Tuppies, T-shirts, other cool stuff. There's some cool stuff. There's even some stuff on sale.

Absolutely. We've got the challenge coins, the posters, and, of course, the third thing, the beach balls. The beach balls. The beach balls. The beach balls. Just because it ain't summer no more doesn't mean you can't knock around a Jordan-Jesse-Go beach ball. Yeah, take that to the ball game. Knock it around. Knock it around.

Take it to a KISS concert. Yeah. You going to see KISS? Yeah. Bring a Jordan-Jesse-Go beach ball. You know what? Bounce it off Jose Canseco's head. See where it goes.

Sure. I mean, not in a violent way. No. Consensual. In a nice way. Ask Jose Canseco first. May I bounce a ball off your head? Offer him 10 bucks. He'll say yes.

Right. Sure. He'll do anything for money. He's really become a little sad in his middle age. Sure. Yeah. But, you know, not all of our heroes could work out the way that we wanted them to. Boy, that's for sure. Look at Slimer.

Yeah, that guy's really let himself go. He sure has. He's just doing trim and fit. He's doing cameos. Yeah, just doing cameos and slamming pizzas. I mean... Just pounding down whole pizzas. Get your act together.

Slimer, if you're listening, we want the old Slimer back. If you're going to put down those kind of calories, you've got to do the exercise too, buddy. That's true. And I feel like you're eating for emotional reasons, not for physical reasons. So maybe do some work on yourself. See if you can find yourself an angel.

Somebody to help keep you from jumping off that bridge. Hey, Slimer. We're with you, buddy. We understand the stakes are lower for you jumping off that bridge Yeah, hey Slimer We're with you buddy We understand the stakes are lower for you jumping off the bridge Because you can kind of fly Sure, yeah You hover off the ground Although I don't know if a large fall like that would kill Slimer

Re-kill him I guess Double killing Double kill, yes So Slimer, don't double kill yourself If you're out there, we love you Everyone, people love. We love you. Everyone, people love you. We support you.

We're here for you. Let's get back to this remarkable episode of Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Macho Man to the top rope. The flying elbow. The cover. We've got a new champion. We're here with Macho Man Randy Savage after his big win to become the new world champion. What are you going to do now, Match? I'm going to go listen to the newest episode of the Tights and Fights podcast. Oh, yeah.

Tell us more about this podcast. It's the podcast of power. Too sweet to be sour. Funky like a monkey. Woke discussions, man. And jokes about wrestlers' fashion choices. Myself excluded. Yeah.

I can't wait to listen. Neither can I. You can find it Thursdays on Maximum Fun. Oh, yeah. Dig it. Hi, I am Laurie Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Kish. Together, we host a podcast called The Jackie and Laurie Show.

We're both stand-up comics we recently met each other because women weren't allowed to work together on the road or in gigs for a long long time and so our friendship has been unfolding on this podcast for a couple years jackie constantly works the road i write for conan and then i work the road in between we do a lot of stand-up comedy and so we celebrate stand standup and we also bitch about it. We keep it to an hour. We don't have any guests. We somehow find enough to talk about every single week.

So find us. You can subscribe to the Jackie and Laurie show at maximum fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay. Bye. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Chris Fairbanks, fighter of crime.

Caller, you're on Jordan, Jesse, go. Thank you for calling us. What is your name and where are you calling from? Boston, Massachusetts. Unusual name. Where are you calling from? Excuse me. I'm calling from Boston, Massachusetts. I think I missed the first part of what you were saying, which I believe my name.

Yeah. What was that, Michael? Micah. Micah. Micah. Micah, what's asking everyone three questions on Jordan Jesse Go this week. First of all, what's the most momentous thing that happened in the past 12 years? Second of all, if you could ask comedian Chris Fairbanks anything, what would it be?

It's probably been eaten away at, yeah. And third of all, have you ever been to the underground Benjamin Franklin Museum where there's that bank of telephones where you can call world leaders of the past and talk to them? Oh. So let's start with that Benjamin Franklin question. You ever been to that underground Benjamin Franklin Museum with the Bank of Telephones? And also there's a diorama of the Continental Congress with a soundtrack of voice actors and a little tiny spotlight to show you which tiny Continental Congress person is

speaking at any given time? You know, like at Alcatraz. I can't say I have, but I feel like it reminds me of going to the World War II Bunker Museum in London. You go underground and there are other World War II artifacts. I feel like it reminds me of going to the World War II bunker museum in London. You go underground, and there are other World War II artifacts. I feel like it would have a similar feel. Yeah, I think that's right, Micah. Okay, Micah, question number two.

What's the most momentous thing that's happened to you in the past dozen years? I thought that was question number one. Yeah, sure. Yeah, but they're out of order. I'm now numbering them temporarily, Micah. Yes, yes. This is a timeline here. We finished the first question in the timeline, which was question number three.

Now we've moved on to the second question, which is question number one. Oh, I have a headache. All right. I think I understand how to play the game. Right. I'm sure a lot of people have called in and said that their wedding is the most momentous thing to happen to them in the last 12 years. No, no one has said that. You're presuming you're calling under false presuppositions.

We talked about babies. I mean, there's a lot of babies. But it was someone shooting at a baby in P.A. Yeah, yeah. I suppose that would be pretty momentous. Yeah. I've got a totally different one. Although I do love my wife and do love that she allowed me to call in on episode 546 and talk about our sex-farm misadventures. But no, it's actually a totally different one.

You're right. Let's back up there. What did she allow you? First of all, Micah, we all love your wife very much. Yeah. She seems nice. She seems like a great lady. And I will be perfectly honest.

I thought you said sex-farm adventures. Almost, Jordan, almost. It was actually sex toy misadventures. Sex toy misadventures. Oh, the old sideways plug. Sure. Without a base, without a trace, Chris. I thought a sex farm was a place you could go.

It was a bit of an analogous plug. I thought a sex farm was a place you go to have your ass eaten out by a goat. Okay, so Micah, you have a wonderful wife. We all love your wife very much. You put some pellets in there. You put a few dried corn nuggets on your butthole to let the goat do its thing. And here comes the goat. Put a rusty tin can back there and had it go to town.

There are also some llamas involved, but I mean, who's to say? So what's your true momentous occasion if it's not your marriage to your beautiful wife? It's actually a bit of a serious one. I grew up in a middle-class family in southern Wisconsin and, yeah, I graduated

from college and married my wife and, you know, we went about our professional lives and I wanted to go back to school for a while and it was about five, five and a half, six years ago, I decided, hey, I'm going to go ahead and apply to Harvard. And sure enough, I did so. And I, in fact, ended up applying to a couple of programs there and got into both. And I remember it was about five and a half years ago, getting my acceptance letter. And, yeah, just being completely floored that I could do this thing that I never imagined I'd be able to do.

Wait, did you go to a graduate or undergraduate program at Harvard University? Graduate programs, one in the engineering school and one at the business school. Man. Yeah. How did you find Harvard? Was it everything you dreamed it would be? It's easy to find Harvard. Yes.

First you just park your car in the yard. Yeah, sure, yeah. It's also in a lot of 80s movies. There were a lot of fewer assholes than I expected. I expected to dislike more people, and it turned out it was a lot of great people there. My mom went to a program at Harvard when I was a teenager,

and the main thing that I remember is Cornel West would be walking around, and my mom would say, hey, there's Duckbutt. Had a bit of a duck butt. Wearing a three-piece suit, you know. Yeah, unfortunately, I never saw Cornell West there, but I'll make sure to head back to campus.

I live kind of nearby. I'll let them know that you're talking about them. Did you, and now you're probably, you're going in a little bit older than your usual, you know, Harvard undergrad. Did you party? Did you go to any Harvard parties? I think I might have been misheard earlier. I was actually applying as a graduate student, not an undergrad. But as a grad student, I did go to plenty of parties. Do they rage in Harvard?

What were you doing at the time? Were you making fun of photos of poor people? Were you making fun of photos of poor people? A little bit here and there, you know. I'd say the most iconic one was actually an undergrad party that I went to with a friend of ours who does tutoring and mentoring for undergrads. And they had an ice luge at the dorm. And I thought that was a little bit cool. Yeah, yeah.

That sounds like straight out of a... Yeah, yeah, that sounds... That's like straight out of a college movie. If you're sliding down ice, that's a scene in Real Genius. Well, I think that's where you put your head. Maybe correct me if I'm wrong. I've never seen one of these things up close. I think it's one of those things where you put your head under it, and then someone...

It's like a swan. You're not sliding the vodka. Right, and you're in an Olympic way. It's like a crocodile mile situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not so much. One point for Jordan here. You've got to watch out for the crocs, though.

I mean, I think we should get a couple of white claws into those losers in the Winter Olympics. And maybe the skeleton people, too. Sure. You know? Who are the skeleton people? Is it like a headfirst luge? It's like a luge. I don't know exactly what the difference is.

I'm looking at Chris Fairbanks because I know he likes to snowboard. Yeah, yeah. So I know about winter sports, but I'm not familiar with the skeleton. I just think of the cross-country skiing and then you shoot something with a rifle. Yeah, biathlon. It's a biathlon. It's just a biathlon. I mean, you would think it would be two more mainstream things thrown together.

No, no. It's something an Alpine soldier would have to do in 1900. Biathlon, another good porn search category. So what's your question for Chris Fairbanks, the great Chris Fairbanks of Montana? No pressure, please. The state of Montana. Oh, Montana. Are we talking Bozeman? Are we talking Helena? What are we talking about? We're in Missoula. Missoula area. It's the Bitterroot Valley. Lesser known. It's a liberal arts college. No one went there.

Fair enough. So I was wondering if he's ever been to the sex farm where a goat will eat his asshole at. Oh, you know, just for a photography gig. Yeah, and that's the gig economy for you. Yeah, yeah, you go to art school and they send you everywhere. Yeah, what they say, a jack-off-all-trades. I suppose it really is more of a Bozeman thing. Yeah, no, it is. You actually are correct about that.

Yeah, fucking Huey Lewis leaves the ranch. Yeah, there's a lot. Even David Letterman, they head over and put those cans in there. Do you know Huey's over there? How do you know that Huey's in Montana? A lot of people think he's a Mill Valley guy. He used to be a Mill Valley guy. My mother-in-law saw him at Pete's Coffee in Mill Valley once. She came home.

She was very hot under the collar. I just did stand up there, and of 10 people 10 people i saw i know we're in the grateful dead but yeah it's uh yeah it's uh he's got uh did you know famously the biggest dick in rock and roll you think it's going to be someone like uh in motley crew or something but apparently i was gonna say lenny kravitz yeah no more than him he just showcased his accidentally but he was all conservative about keeping it in front of it behind some pleated front dockers. That guy's got just a windsock filled with pudding. He's a monster, apparently.

Where did you learn this? How do you fill the windsock? April Richardson told me that Huey Lewis had the biggest dick in comedy. I can't get out of my old... It's so big. Very viscous pudding. Right. No, yes. You know, after it solidifies.

Still in the refrigerator pudding. This is pudding, the English word for dessert. Yes, yes. It's the kind you slurp with bad teeth. But he, yeah, apparently everyone knows. Once I did a little Google research, just a hog for miles. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah.

Did you take a look at it? Did you get to see it? No, I never did. Any direct evidence? He lived near my friend Sydney Bacon, now is her name. She married my friend. They lived next door to wherever his home was near Hamilton. He'd just always be gardening with

one of those transparent green visors. He never pulled out his hog. I'd have liked him to do a little of both. How about rounding it out a little bit? Rounding it out. Well, thank you very much for calling us. We appreciate your telephone call. It's nice.

It's always nice Thank you, guys. It's always nice to hear something nice about Huey Lewis. He came on Bullseye once. It was just a joy. He was just a lovely man. I have only heard he's the best. And then on top of that, he's got a giant hog that he never really, you know, overused. There's no stories

about him misusing his giant hog. I feel like i just had one i'm embarrassed you know sometimes usually when i'm doing a bullseye interview i kind of i'll like think about stuff i want to talk about first but mostly i'll just let the conversation go where it goes you know let my natural curiosity but once in a while i'll write down something that i don't want to forget to ask like i I just interviewed Jay Leno, and I wanted to remember to ask him, why didn't you just take a show on another network that they were offering you for the same or more money? Why did you just buy another vintage fire truck or something?

The 10 o'clock show and, you know, destroying Conan's entire life's ambition. Yeah, exactly. Did you? I would be scared to ask him that. I did ask him that in a nice way because he's a very nice man in my experience having talked to him. What did he say? Did he stammer and did he know he was under the hot lights? Yeah, he went around in circles a few times and I called him out on it a couple times in a nice way also.

And then he went around in some more circles. Oh, man. It was really raw. I was very scared to ask him. Don't get me wrong. He was very sweaty. Very handsome, too. He was really raw. I was very scared to ask him. Denim got sweaty. Very handsome, too. He was wearing double denim. One of the things you don't realize about Jay Leno is he's got piercing blue eyes that are really brought out by the denim.

Yeah. I mean that 100% sincerely. It's a reason that he wears it. Yeah, I'm sitting there talking to Jay Leno. I'm like, look at Jay Leno. Blue really brings out those beautiful blue eyes of his. Yeah, maybe the reputation is that he dresses like that because he's a square, that he's a dad or something like that. But maybe he just found out what works for him.

He's like, I look great. It's hip to be square. I've heard that. Giant hog told me that one. Huey Lewis? Is that a Huey Lewis? A giant talking gardening hog. Yeah.

Let's take another call. We're taking all calls. I hear he will pull it out and whack a gopher if he finds one in his garden. If you happen to see him at the fair. The bell will ring. Caller, you're on Jordan. Jesse, go. What's your name and where are you calling from?

Hey, Brian from Virginia. Hey, I hung up on this guy earlier. Brian from Los Angeles is excited that Brian from Virginia called in because Brian from Los Angeles hung up on Brian from Virginia earlier on. And he feels bad. Yay, I'm back. And I don't think it's just because they're both named Brian. Yeah, thank you for being persistent, Brian from Virginia.

Yeah, we're from Virginia. Yeah. We're asking people three things. Have you ever been to a museum in your area? Yeah. Well, Jordan, it's not just have you ever been to a museum. You have to know about one in Virginia. That's true. Yeah, I do.

The Lover Museum. Sure, yeah. Have you ever been to West Virginia and had somebody point out the president and vice president's nuclear bunker to you? Sure. And the question two, hold on. Yeah, don't answer them all. We're going to list all the questions first. What have you always wanted to ask Chris Fairbanks?

Yeah, zero to no pressure on that one. And then third question, what's the most momentous thing that's ever happened to you in the last 12 years? We'll focus on that one. Yeah, focus on that one. So let's start with West Virginia. Have you ever had anybody point you to the bunker in West Virginia? No, but I'm near Camp David, so I guess that sort of counts. Yeah, that totally counts.

Cool. Yeah, Jimmy Carter lives there. Neat. And what's been your momentous occasion these past dozens of years? This is one dozen. Yeah, one dozen. Not dozens. Maybe a bigger dozen at this point.

The birth of my twin children, like, three years apart. How about that? Your twin children three years apart? Now, how does that work? Yeah. Through the miracle of science. Wow. We had trouble having Kevin kids the normal way.

So we had our vision dissemination. And they were boy and a girl twins. I guess technically twins, but two and a half years apart. twins, you know, I guess technically twins, but two and a half years apart. One of them naturally came out of your wife and then the other one later through growth in a laboratory or both? Oh, wow. That's amazing. Well, that's the coolest.

Yeah. It's actually pretty easy to get a kid. All you got to do is get some cabbage seeds. Go to a mall. Hold on. I'm writing this down. I'm writing this down. I'm writing this down. Jordan, do you have any advice for Jordan?

Jordan really wants a son. Got to get one of those sons. Do you feel that way now? I want kids too. Yeah. Not to get serious. Yeah. No, I would like to have kids.

Yeah, yeah. I definitely feel like the unmarried childless weirdo in my circle. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm 10 years older than you. I feel like I'm the guy peeking in the window of that party. You guys, Brian doesn't have any kids. I see you three men and a baby this thing. Yeah.

Just join a group called- Get yourself a 1989 sort of Memphis group meets Art Deco apartment. That would be nice. Spock from Star Trek to tell you what to do. Ignore the ghost sitting on the windowsill and call ourselves. Don't have any jokes for 90 minutes. Yeah, yeah. It's just surprising when you see it as an adult.

Yeah, yeah. It's just not a good movie. And then at some point, we'll get ourselves a little lady. Yeah. That was the sequel. And then it's like, look who's talking now. Brian, can I ask you a question that you might have some insight into? Nature or nurture?

Yeah, which kid's better? It's pretty much nature. They both end up being the same, just delayed by two and a half years. Oh, wow. Interesting. They are literally the same little kid, just one boy and one girl. And they, they're awesome in their own way, but they had so much in common, just delayed a little bit. That's amazing.

So when the, the daughter or son was what put on ice for a while? Like, how do you delay? Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah. The son was, my son was frozen for two and a half years. That's so cool. And we decided to go down the artificial insemination route with him.

And, you know, here they are. And now he's, you know, he's four. And they're awesome. And just, they're like and they're awesome. And just they're like they're twins. They have the best friends, and it's uncanny how similar they are. Just to literally you pause for two years, and the same one comes out. It's awesome. Do you dress them up in little sailor suits?

Matching something? Yeah in little sailor suits? Matching something? Yeah, little matching sailor suits. We try to hold off on the costume. Yeah, wait until they're adults. Have you thought about that? Yeah, 16 and 18. Then you put on the pantaloon. Wait until they're both in high school.

Hey, high school, no, yeah, not a good look. If they don't like wearing the same thing, and I understand that. A lot of twins don't like wearing the same thing. Maybe dress one of them up like a little sailor and one of them up like a little boat. Oh, yeah. If not for Halloween. Halloween's coming up. Or one like a little boat and one like the Kraken.

I'm a sea monster. I like it. Did you like my Kraken impression? Yeah. I didn't. They don't talk. So it was inaccurate. How do you know?

You don't know me. I learned. I learned to talk. I've had a lot of experience with the Kraken. I watched a lot of Friends on Netflix. It's a millennial Kraken. Yeah. I've been binging it.

I like that it's a combination of a soap opera and a sitcom. Tell me more, millennial Kraken. Yeah. I like high waisted pants. Well, yeah. Brian from Virginia. Thank you very much for calling.

Yeah. Do you have a question for Chris Fairbanks? Congratulations. Chris Fairbanks. Oh, we don't need to do that, but let me have it. No questions. Thank you. That's all right.

That's how I prefer it. Thanks. Brian did a great job, I thought. Yeah. Good job, Brian. Really moving, beautiful. Yeah, it was moving. I was like, yeah.

The idea of two twins that they're two years apart that's like a riddle that someone would write like how are they two years apart and then i'd be like i don't know yeah i'm right off of my skateboard the answer was science yeah yeah just just muttering under your breath fuck riddles fuck riddles and fuck science man and then i Science, man! You're like, oh, the goddamn magnets. How do they work? How do they work? Yeah. Brian, do we have another call in line? Caller, you're on Jordan Jesse Go.

What's your name and where are you calling from? I'm Abby from Burlington, Vermont. Abby, what a joy to meet you. What a joy to meet you. Now, we're asking all of our callers three things. First of all, what's the most momentous thing that's happened to you in the last 12 years? Second of all, if you could ask comedian Chris Fairbanks anything, what would it be? We've had a lot so far.

And third of all, have you ever been to the Ben and Jerry's headquarters right there in Vermont? You can start with the Ben and Jerry's headquarters right there in Vermont. Have you been there, Abby? Oh, shit. Yes. Wow. And also, fun fact, I'm currently watching Me, Myself, and Irene, which is a terrible movie that was filmed in the Ben and Jerry's headquarters. Oh, wow.

Okay. It actually stars the ghosts of Ben and Jerry. I think they're still alive. Yeah. That's what makes it so remarkable. It's very problematic. There's a lot of ghosts around, but only a few of them are movie stars. It's so haunted over there.

What's your momentous occasion, caller? of them are movie stars. It's so haunted over there. What's your momentous occasion, caller? Honestly, I do not think I have one, and I assumed I would just blurt out some stuff and you would not use it, because I haven't done anything in the past 18 years. In my opinion, that's pretty impressive. I have been to Ben and Jerry's.

Yeah, I mean, I haven't been to the world headquarters of Ben and Jerry's, so that's pretty solid. I haven't been to that. I heard there's a room at the World of Coca-Cola where there's like 75 taps, and you just put your mouth on them and suck down the Coca-Cola from every part of the world. So you want to taste what Coca-Cola is like in Djibouti, you just go to Atlanta, you go in this room, you switch your mouth right there on that spout and just glug, glug. I bet they have a cup.

No. But you have a really good cup. One single-use cup. I don't think people put their mouths on the tap. No, I think you just put your... Well, you can't suck it down. They say you're supposed to suck it down. At the end of each spigot, there are lifelike lips. You're supposed to kiss the coke out.

That's what they say. They ring a bell, and they're like, time to kiss the coke from the different parts of the world. Yeah. Ring-a-ding-ding. The one from Mexico has cane sugar. I can pee my cavities tickling. I thought they just had sugar has cane sugar. I can pee my cavities tickling. I thought they just had sugar or cane sugar. Yeah, yeah.

Or high fructose corn syrup. Yeah, yeah, that most places. Abby, it might be beet sugar for all I know. Yeah. Oh, fuck that shit. Yeah, yeah. Fuck it. Fuck beets.

Fuck all root vegetables. Yeah, yeah. Fuck it. Fuck beets. Fuck all root vegetables. Yeah. Yeah, fucking radishes particularly. Why are you spicy and not spicy at the same time? Yeah, why do you taste like dirt and why do other people like you? Abby, do you have a question for Chris Fairbanks? Comedian Chris Fairbanks is here with us. Oh, shit.

Do you know the difference between baking powder and baking soda? Yeah. Yeah? What's that? Yes. Baking powder,

you actually use to cook. Baking soda, you use to keep it fresh in the refrigerator. Yeah, there you go. That's exactly the right answer. Thank you.

Thank you, Abby. Thank you, Abby. Thank you, Abby. Abby, call it in. What a joy to you, Abby. Thank you, Abby. Thank you, Abby. Abby calling in. What a joy to talk to Abby. Yeah. What a joy. Just drunk as the dick.

Chris, maybe you can answer. Jesse, you might can weigh in on this too, but maybe specifically, maybe Chris will have an opinion on this. This is about snowboarding. It's about cat box freshness. Oh, yeah. Now my ears are perked. I feel more extreme than in a half pipe.

When you're scooping those clumps. Yeah. Oh, God. So to keep your cat box fresh, or here's what I do to keep mine fresh. Obviously, you clean it on the rag. Sure. But also, I like to sprinkle in some of that Arm & Hammer cat box freshener. And a box of this stuff is anywhere between $2.50 and $3.50.

Oh, wow. But, you know, it keeps the box fresh. So it's a premium I don't mind paying. I guess we know how people live in Hollywood. That's true. High on the hog. But I was also wondering, is what I'm pouring on the cat box, is it just baking soda? Like, does it have any addition?

Because it's made by the Arm & Hammer company. Chemical company. And a box of baking soda is 89 cents. Right. I think there's other things that actually have a reason to be there. Yeah. Right. Rather than just, I mean, like, look, there's fluoride and Arm & Hammer toothpaste.

Sure. That's true. Right. I love that stuff. That's a good point. There's cats on the box, which I like. I like seeing the cats on the box. What I do is I put toothpaste on my cat's butthole.

Oh. Sorry. It's just because he brought it up. It's aqua fresh. You know I'm going to go there. You like the stripes. Yeah. Oddly, yeah. You know, when going to go there. You like the stripes. Yeah. Oddly, yeah.

You know, when the blue and red together, you know it's working. Right, kitty? Meow, no. I just changed my litter all the damn time. It's just frequent changing is how you kind of keep it under control. And here's the thing. I haven't had a cat for four years. Wow.

Yeah. That's how I keep it fresh. No cat. He's having a box of litter with no poop in it. Then I go like, well, there's some poop keep it fresh. No cat. He's having a pot of litter with no poop in it. Then I go like... Well, there's some poop in it, it's just not cat poop. Oh, okay. Daddy like. Daddy likes to poop.

Oh, God. I'm really sorry about that daddy like business. Honestly, that's on par with the other things that happen on the show. This is episode 600. That might be the high point of Jordan, Jesse, go. Collar, it's coherent and related to the things that happen on the show. This is episode 600. That might be the high point of Jordan, Jesse, go. Caller, it's coherent and related to the things that had come before it. I spit it out without stuttering.

There you go. Caller, you're on Jordan, Jesse, go. What's your name and from where are you calling? Claire. Quince, call us. Hey, guys. It's Tyler from New Hampshire. Hey.

Oh, Tyler. We just talked to your neighbor. Tyler from New Hampshire. Hey. Oh, Tyler. We just talked to your neighbor. Tyler from New Hampshire. Live free or die, my friend. Right. Don't tread on me. God, I don't know any attractions in New Hampshire. I've run to gotten to the bottom.

I was pretty proud I came up with a West Virginia. Let's simplify. I feel like we've been doing a good job. Only one question. What question would you ask Chris Fairbanks? Tyler, what is the most momentous thing that's happened to you in the past 12 years since you've been listening to the show? And we assume you've been listening since day one. Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, because I'm 21 now, so I've been listening since I was nine. Good. Fucking badass. Suck it, Captain Underpants. Yeah. Just suck it. Good. Fucking badass. Suck it, Captain Underpants. So, yeah. So I did think back all the way in the last 12 years,

and I think the most momentous thing I've ever done was when I was 11, I was in a baseball game, and I hit a walk-off home run in the semifinals, and we won that, and we won the finals and i was a hero wow the hero of all of new hampshire guys did your career your baseball career continue um uh so i kept playing baseball through through high school but uh i played on like this travel team and i was pretty good on that i actually had like i once had had a really good game where I pitched against some college kids and did really well. Whoa. But then in high school, I never even made the varsity team. Right.

Can I tell you what happened when my baseball team made the playoffs? I played in an urban park league, and we were a bad team, generally. park league, an urban park league. And we made, we were bad team generally. We made the playoffs once in my entire, from age five or six, whenever I started to 14 or 15, whenever I finished, we made the playoffs one time. And Phillip was our best player, seventh day Adventist, see him hitting the streets in a suit on the weekends. And he was playing the outfield. Normally he pitched for us. He was playing the outfield. Normally he pitched for us. He was playing the outfield. I was playing second base.

There was a play at second base, you know, single to right or something like that. And he threw it to me, hit a rock, hit a rock in the infield, hit me in the head, gave me a concussion, and I had to go home. And that was the only time I played in a baseball playoff game my entire childhood. Did his baseball career continue? Yeah. In prison? Yeah, for concussion giving.

Yeah, yeah. That's not illegal anymore. Did you know that? Really? Yeah. They legalized that? Yeah, concussion giving. Along with the dank?

Yeah. Along with the sweet bud? And along with the nookie. Yeah. Let's talk about the post-game pizza party. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Never got to have one.

When you hit your big homer, did you get a pizza party? No, I didn't. Oh, you got fucked, my friend. Did you get the game ball, Tyler? Yeah. Oh, good. You got the game ball, so that's something. You can trade that for pizza in a lot of economies.

All right. Yeah, it's your local round table pizza. You bring them the game ball, and you get an individual pan. You're like, your coach asked you to initial it, kid. All right. You bring them the game ball and you get an individual pan. You're like, your coach asked you to initial it, kid. All right. No, I don't think I got a game ball, but I remember later that night, the coach called my dad at like 9.30 p.m.

It might have been a school night, which is why we didn't do a pizza party. It's a little late to be calling dad. Yeah. But sorry, go ahead. What do you want? Your coach, do you remember what they talked about? I've been watching a lot of Mindhunter. What kind of a call was this? Well, that's what I don't understand because I wasn't in on this conversation.

So presumably my coach, his name is Dana. Presumably Dana just called my dad to be like, damn, that shit was wild. Oh, that's cool. That's nice. Dana's nice. It's nice when your dad gets to hear that shit was wild. Oh, that's cool. That's nice. Yeah, Dana's nice. It's nice when your dad gets to hear that shit was wild. I'm sorry that I suggested your coach was calling to ask your dad if he could fuck you. That was an oversight on my part.

It's not funny, I'll tell you that much. Tyler, if this makes you feel any better, my coach was named Tim and his car was missing a door. He'd drive kids around in it, though. There's a whole door missing from his car. How do you even... How do you get a car that drives

but is missing a door? Doors don't even have moving parts. How do you maintain the engine but not have a door? It wasn't stuck. It was just not there. Sure. Probably somebody Tommy Boy-ed it off.

Yeah, you know what it's like. It happens. Going backwards on the freeway. Classic Tommy Boy situation. Do you do any other sports? Do you do sports now? Are you part of any kind of league? Or is that your one shining moment? Did you retire from sports? Oh, I guess

you went on and played in high school. Yeah. And I played football and stuff in high school, too. I quit my senior year. I didn't play my senior year. Yeah, there's no rule that says you have to play your senior year. That's true. You want to concentrate on other things. Learn that from the movie Reverse Rudy. Sure. Yeah. And Boring Rudy.

It's just a guy going to chemistry class. Well, thank you very much for calling, and congratulations on that thing that happened when you were 11. Yeah. Always nice to hear from a baseball hero like Tyler. Sure. These people are the people who knit America together, Jordan. Right.

Sure. Great for the Hall of Fame. Yes. Much like we did in the beginning of this show when we focused on knitting. That was a running thing that we brought up earlier. Our herald is complete. Let's talk about some of the high moments of this episode right now. Let's all go around and say what our favorite.

Definitely not this segment. This was a nice B minus, I think. Yeah. For me, the high point were the various times that I thought Brian had hung up on the caller by now. For me, the high point were the various times that I thought Brian had hung up on the caller by now. But then the caller chimed in because they're having a nice time because they're our buddy on the podcast. We're all having a great time. I thought Tyler was long gone, but we don't have a little light or anything that indicates that.

Brian loves Tyler. He feels bad for hanging up on him earlier. Just wants to give him his time. He's gone. He's back in New Hampshire. He was gone. He's back in New Hampshire. Right. He was here. That's how a phone works.

We beam them up. Yeah, just call the fucking cabbage patch, buddy. Yeah. Oh, was Tyler my son? Oh, come back, son. Oh, no. I need to mold you in my image. You're going to need to go to New Hampshire. Not only does your son live there, that's a vital early primary state.

Oh, man. This sounds like I need to get myself a David Spade and do a Tommy Boy right to New Hampshire. Gene Shaheen? Is that a senator from New Hampshire? Don't know. Could be your son. Well, we'll see. Impossible to know.

Okay, we got the blood test back. We got one more caller here. Caller, you're on Jordan Jesse Go. What's your name and from where are you calling? I'm Casey from St. Louis, Missouri. Casey, it's great to talk to you. Thank you for joining us here on the program. Have you ever been in the observation deck at the top of the Gateway Arch?

Yeah. I have. It is great. I highly recommend it. It fucking rules, right? You're like, man, when you see that Gateway Arch, you're like, this thing's majestic as fuck. And then you get in that crazy elevator. Yeah, you get in that

crazy elevator. It goes all the way to the top of the Gateway Arch. You're up there. You're like, this is pretty fucking solid. Doesn't it go straight up and then diagonal? It's like the Wonka Vader. Yeah, exactly. It goes sideways and upways and other ways and all ways. Yeah.

You got any Oompa Loompas, buddy? I wait. Nope. Not that I've seen. Yeah. They might hide them in the stairs. Yeah, that's possible. Maybe they're over there in Kansas City.

Mm-hmm. Everything's up to date in Kansas City. Maybe over there in Kansas City. Everything's up to date in Kansas City. We're asking people what their most momentous occasion has been in the 12 years since we started this show. What comes to mind? When I got married last fall, we made a bargain, and my wife was going to let me call from the altar to moment of occasion about us getting married, but I was so nervous I forgot to do it.

Oh, you blew it. That would have been cool for us. What did you have to give up, caller? What's your name, caller? Casey. Casey. Casey, what did you have to give up? We had an outdoor wedding, and I allowed her to have a bluetooth speaker playing music

during before the ceremony when she walked up so I would have won the deal had I remembered to do it why were you against that

seems like a fine idea what did you not like about that because I knew I could trade it for something I wanted oh hey you're ready for marriage buddy

it's all a hostile negotiation you're doing marriage Trump style now. It's all a hostile negotiation. You're doing marriage Trump style now. Ten months or whatever it's been now. Yeah, being married is great. I like her. Okay, so you wanted to call in during your vows. You chickened out at the last minute and kept the proceedings sacred and tasteful.

Sure. And didn't have to explain why I had my cell phone out during my wedding. Well, you know, I think we're all addicted to those little hypno screens. No, it makes sense. Scroll, scroll, swipe, swipe. Hello, I need to go to S.A. Screen Anonymous. And you know Jeff Bezos is just listening in. Jeff Bezos is like, what does Jesse have to say?

I was just talking about cargo pants. Now here's an ad for them? Yeah. Sounds like Jeff Bezos is listening in to my screen anonymous meetings. That's supposed to be anonymous. This is a crippling addiction. This has destroyed my life. Oh, have you guys seen this new documentary, Black Mirror?

The documentary? Oh, it's not a documentary? I thought it was. I thought it was. Jordan, do they have that on the other side of the looking glass? Because I've been through the looking glass, okay? It's a brave new world, Jordan. Sure. I'm aging

backwards like Benjamin Button! Oh, I think now we're off topic. I don't think we're talking about the same thing anymore. It's a completely different thing you're doing, and I don't know what it is. Aha, that's where I've got you. It's a negotiation. I'll abandon this bit with no premise if I let you play a Bluetooth speaker outside.

It makes no sense. Which is a very reasonable request. Now we're all going to get ads on our phones for the DVD of Benjamin Dunn just because we talked about that. You know, Casey, you don't know this, but I was a wedding DJ for a time in the Washington, D.C. area. Wedding DJ's assistant, but I gave myself a little courtesy upgrade. Casey, what kind of music were you playing on that Bluetooth speaker? It was Buddy Holly before the ceremony, and then mostly, I don't know, a bunch of funk music and things for the reception. Sure.

Yeah, it's really solid. Gotta get people ruffling their chicken feathers out there. Sure. Wait, so do you have a separate momentous occasion? Classic funk? Yeah, yeah. Ruffle your chicken feathers? It's a dance.

You guys don't dance, I dance. Okay. I've seen you. You dance. Yeah, yeah. I've been in a few dance contests anyway. So today was like the anniversary call. This is a gift to your wife, isn't it? Yeah, a week off.

That's what I thought. Sounds like this marriage is going to last. Casey, what's your wife's best quality? She's standing next to me so I can't say anything mean. Why would you say something mean? We asked you to say something nice. I demand a divorce. She's good at standing next to you.

This is over. This is over. And she gets the podcast in the split. Oh no. Sorry Casey, you can't listen to podcasts anymore. You only get to listen to AM radio in the car. Yeah. And your wife gets

half the stuff and the ability to listen to podcasts. Yeah, it's fucking Dr. Laura or the Spanish language Catholic station for you buddy. Yeah, welcome to divorce court. They don't even have those golden oldie stations on AM where they play songs from the 40s. Everyone's dead. They used to run them.

Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. They all died. That's all I'm saying. Worst of all, there's been a nuclear holocaust. You're the only person still alive. Yeah.

And when you're listening to AM News Radio, you have to turn off traffic and weather on the nines. When the traffic and weather come on on the nines, you can't listen. If it slips in on the sixes, go ahead. Yeah. I mean, we're not monsters. Yeah. And, of course, Jeff Bezos is going to hear it one way or the other. Oh, yeah, because he's listening in, collecting our data.

Casey, thank you for calling in. It's been a joy to talk to you. I'm sorry that we broke your – Thank you for 12 years of entertainment. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you pronounce that correctly? Yeah.

I think that's exactly correct. The question mark at the end was – Should we append – should we call our friends at Apple and see if all the positive iTunes reviews of Jordan and Jesse go, they can add a question mark? I like this show. Five stars. Stars? The? Well, Chris Fairbanks, thank you for joining us on this, our 600th episode of Drunk Jessica. I feel very happy you had me come by, and I hope I answered all the questions that were specifically about me.

You've been a great friend to our program over many years. And I think that recently Nick Adams said he wants to fight you. Oh, boy. For the role of – well, first of all, he just wants to fight you in general. Oh, God. He heard you had that hip procedure.

Oh, right. And he thinks you're an easy mark now. Oh, wow. They're running up his record so that he can have a championship fight. He's got two good hips?

He's a two good hip guy. Yeah, well... And he's got a beard for cushioning. Oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah. My knuckles

just get lost in it. Yeah. Just get lost in those beautiful curds. I got to learn something else other than my beard punch. Curls is the word I was trying to say. Curds. Curds. But Nick Adams has a hell of a bod, too.

He does. The body is banging. Oh, is he ripped? Well, I don't want to fight this guy. No, it's curvy. Real men have curves. Yeah. Looking good, Nicky baby.

Looks nice, repeat. Chris. How do you like? Are you hitting the road to do stand-up comedy anytime soon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going through the South in October to a bunch of cities and states I've never been to. That'll be fun. Check my website.

What's that? ChrisFairbanks.com? ChrisFairbanks.com. Sounds good. Doing a little Comedy Central thing. I forget the name of it, but it'll be good. It's like a short set thing. Yeah.

And I've been, you know, swimming and home decorating. You have been home decorating. You showed us some of your... Looks nice. You showed us some photos of your home decor. I'm really focused on being in my house and not leaving it.

Is it healthy? I don't know, but is it beautiful? You bet. Sure. Yeah, it looks nice. And of course, you're the co-host of the podcast

Do You Need a Ride? along with another Jordan Jesse Go favorite, the great Karen Kelgariff. Yeah, yeah. And that's been the best. What are you on, episode 600? No, not even. I mean, you're sticking it in my face and I can feel it. It feels like a beardy punch.

You know, I'm not afraid to stick it in your face. I know Huey Lewis. Hey. I don't want to keep my light under a your face. I know Huey Lewis. Hey. I don't want to keep my light under a bushel. You've never seen his gardening hog. And I, yeah, it's been great. Those people go to my comedy shows now, and they're sweet people. I love it.

I hope all the Jordan Jesse Goh fans will get out to see the great Chris Fairbanks. After today, they're bound to. Yeah. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, for what are we looking at? Five, seven years? How long have you been the producer of this show, Brian? I think since 2012 or 13.

That's what we're looking at, six or seven years. I think we just passed the number I came in on, which is like 250-something. We're now up above, like, more than half. More than half. More than half. Well, maybe we should change your name from Brian Sonny D. Fernandez to Brian More Than Half Fernandez. Yeah.

All more than half. Yeah. MTH. I like it. It's got a nice ring. You can join us on Facebook by liking JordanJesseGo. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. Hashtag your tweets.

Hashtag JJGO. Our apologies to all the great listeners who we couldn't fit into this week's program. Again, we were unable to screen or in any way control the flow of calls. I thought it worked well. I think we at least got to the couple people I hung up on. Yeah, that was good. That's nice. And I think, what did we have?

About five, six calls? So that's at least half of the people who listen to the program. Yeah. I do think three of them were just the three other people doing funny voices. That's fair, but I'm grateful. I'm a Kraken. It's me. All right.

I know that's not a Kraken because they don't talk. I know. They've been watching. It's me. All right. I know that's not a Kraken because they don't talk. I know. They don't talk. I guess I'm- I've been watching Friends on Netflix. That's bullshit. They're learning English from- They have that beak.

There's a little tongue in there. But wait. What? What? Okay, I'll go back in my hole. Yeah. A little Kraken hole. All right.

Have fun in there, buddy. Don't jack off too much. Way ahead of you. Spank, spank, spank. What am I supposed to do with these tentacles? It is really hot in our studio. Boy, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org.

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