Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 603: River Rat with Helen Hong

Episode Date: September 24, 2019

Helen Hong (Go Fact Yourself podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Helen's White Claw withdrawal and how it led to her boozy night at the Sound of Music Singalong at the Hollywood Bowl, Jesse's all-time favorite food and beverage luxury upgrade, and Jordan's truly epic quest to Bakersfield to fulfill his longtime dream of tubing down a river.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse the Itch Man Thorne. I'm Jordan Morris, River Rat. Wow, so it sounds to me, Jordan, like we've both brought a topic to the table. Oh yeah, it sure does. I can already tell that yours is much better than mine. Yeah, but we'll talk about yours for 90 minutes and then I'll vaguely allude to mine at the end.

Yeah. As we kind of usually do. Yeah. Mine is just that I'm super itchy. Oh, what's the matter? You changed detergents? Is it? Yeah.

I don't know if it's an allergy. It's not a body lice, if that's what you're thinking. I was concerned. Yeah, certainly not body lice, that's for sure. My ape tendencies were kicking in, and I was wondering why I felt compelled to groom you. Well, that's just to reinforce our social bond, Jordan. That's true. You're the alpha, and we need to establish that.

That's why I'm showing you my butt right now. That's true. Oh, there's the lice. My inflamed genitals. There's why I'm showing you my butt right now. It's true. Oh, there's the lice. My inflamed genitals. There's the lice. Yeah. No, I just, I think it's something about, I can't tell. Do you get itchier when you get older?

Well, I mean, I have eczema. The main source of my itching comes from eczema. Right. Which flares up when it gets dry. Oh, yeah. So it's a seasonal thing for me. And then, yeah, but I think I am maybe a little more sensitive to alternate detergents and stuff like that. Yeah.

So I really notice if I try a new detergent or try a new cleaning product, sometimes it'll react poorly and I'll switch back and that'll fix it. So, yeah, maybe we just get accustomed to what we use. You know what I think is part of it? And I hate to say, Jordan, you know I hate to say this kind of thing on the air, but I think it might be partly OxyClean's fault. Oh, wow. And, I mean, I don't think, I'm certainly not going to stand here and tell you that this isn't an incredible stain fighter. OxyClean is a miraculous product upon which I frankly rely, not just in terms of stain fighting, but more broadly emotionally. Right. Sure. You tell it your problems. OxyClean doesn't judge you.

No. OxyClean is sex positive. It can hear about all your nasty kinks. But I got to tell you this, Jordan. Yeah. I think what might be happening is I'm using the OxyClean to fight stains. My wife might be following the instructions on the package and throwing in some with every load. Interesting.

Yeah. every load. Interesting. So you think that maybe in your life leading up to now, you used oxy as needed, but she's been slowly introducing it to the ecosystem and you're getting slowly poisoned like an enemy of North Korea. Yeah. I think that's exactly what happened. It's funny. I was at an airport, two Taiwanese women approached me and blew on their palms in front of me. They told me they were selling something. Sure. Yeah, so I think that might be what's happening. By the way, that is something that happened to an enemy of North Korea. That is not just a weird racist story. It's been in the news. Yeah, it's in the news. Read the newspaper for fuck's sake. Yeah. Back to OxyClean.

I think it's making me itchy, but it might just be I'm allergic to something in Los Angeles. I don't know whether you get allergies when I think I'm allergic to the city of Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. Like some kind of- Probably the traffic and people who never read. Yeah, it's like, hey, why don't you stop looking for parking and help me not be itchy? I think it must be like a flower that grows in Southern California

because it started happening immediately upon me moving to L.A. I think you've been not so secretly looking to get out of here since you moved here. Is this just your body catching up to your needs? I'm locked in, baby. I'm locked in. No, you're not. Get out of here.

No, I can't. We'll do the show via Skype. I can't leave. I got 20 employees. Yeah, you can listen. With telecommuting, I'm just worried about you. You'll be much happier. What, Central Valley maybe?

Cisco telepresence maybe? Get Cisco tele Central Valley maybe? Cisco telepresence maybe? Get Cisco telepresence. Get Cisco telepresence. If I had RingCentral right now, at least I still have OxyClean. My one true friend. My one true friend. Get out of here. You're fine.

You know what I got to do, Jordan? There's only one answer. It's not to leave Los Angeles. I just got to moisturize more. Well, that's just... You can do, Jordan. Yeah. There's only one answer. It's not to leave Los Angeles. I just got to moisturize more. Well. That's just. You can do that in the Central Valley. Yeah.

Fresno is where I should go. You can moisturize in Fresno. God, I'd love to be in Visalia right now. We'll set up a Skype line. All those beautiful crops. Yeah. Everybody reads up there. Not like Los Angeles where nobody reads. Get up into Visalia.

All these readers. Oh my God. Town and country market up there. This thing is gorgeous. You got it. Oh. So many kinds of- I'm giving you permission.

I'm giving you permission to- I had a- The Los Angeles- You were a representative of the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce. Well, I sat down with the other representatives, Tommy Lasorda and Angeline.

Yeah. And we said, you've done your time here. You've suffered, not quietly, you've suffered loudly. Yeah. You know, you've really given it to the parking at the L.A. County Fair. Sure. On numerous occasions. Yeah.

And now you've developed a rash. Yeah. Get out of here, man. You're free. Fly, baby. Gotta get to Visalia. The podcast will continue. We'll Skype.

Could you think? Yeah. I know you're saying Central. What about Auburn? Auburn would be great. Do you think I could head up to Auburn? Oh, right near Oregon? Come on. I'll talk about this a little bit later on the show but i've visited bakersfield recently

very nice a lot of readers there everybody reads gotta get to bakersfield everybody reads oil fields parking oh yeah our guest on the program stand-up comic co-host of maximum fun.org's very own trivia game show go factor self fresh back from the great city of chicago and live performances there with the go factor self gang which is what they call themselves the gfy gang and we snap. As identified by Takeshi69. GFY gang. Is Helen Hong a member of the GFY gang? Hell yeah. They asked.

No, she's Nine Trey Crips. Helen Hong. Comedian Helen Hong. Helen. Oh, wow. That's your GFY gang name? That's my thing, yeah. That's my thing of the day. Oh, that's your thing overall? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's your GFY gang name? That's my thing, yeah. That's my thing of the day.

Oh, that's your thing overall? Yeah. Oh, wow. Now, you're making a claw when you do that. Right. For the folks listening, there's a claw involved. Is that a cat snarl? Is it a wolverine?

It's my recent white claw addiction. Oh, that is the – It's coming out and it's manifesting in my introducing myself to people. I just go around like, it's Helen. I become a white claw. When you say you're white claw addiction, do you mean alcoholism in an age of white claw? Is that what you're describing here? No, because – This is the hard seltzer we should – Right, white claw? Is that what you're describing here? No, because...

This is the hard seltzer we should... Right, white claw, the hard seltzer. It came up last week, I believe. Someone who was a doctor found one in a butt. Yeah. What? Which was, I mean, like we talked about, which is all the more shocking

considering that there's a white claw shortage. Yeah. Oh my God. Is that where they're hiding them? Maybe this is why there's a white-claw shortage. Sure, yeah. They're all in America's butts. I think this is why we should be vanning flavored vapes.

Right? Yeah. Because how? I mean, when something has a delicious flavor or a subtle flavor. Naturally ends up in your butt. You're going to say, how can I get this flavor into my bloodstream faster? This wouldn't be a problem if flavored vapes had a flared base. Isn't that true?

Yeah. You know, now I see. Well, because White Claw comes in a few different sizes. And there's a size that's like a Red Bull can size. Perfect for the butt. And then there's a 64-ouncer, which is how you crack it. For the more advanced anal enthusiasts. It's called White Claw Wide Open.

You were saying, you were telling us, now you're actually, you showed up to the record today despite the fact that you're... Still drunk from last night. Still drunk from last night. This is an evening record, so we're looking at a 24-hour drunk window here for Helen Hong. And I wasn't even, I was not. Hong keeps the party going.

I was not in an Emmy party. I was not doing anything glamorous. I went to the Hollywood Bowl annual Sound of Music sing-along. That's got some glamour attached to it. For something, that's certainly an event for people whose homes are decorated in the Hollywood Regency style, I would say. And they didn't have White Claw, much to my horror. Yeah. And so I had to drink some.

It seems like if you are having a sing-along at the Hollywood Bowl and you are not selling White Claw, you are leaving money on the table. I mean. Foolish. I drank like eight at the Moana sing-along. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe it was the proximity to all the children. Yeah.

There were a lot of children there. Okay. And I had to resort to White Claw knockoff, which in this instance was. Pale Hand. There's no good sound for Pale Hand. No, yeah. You can't go... You just got to go...

On the other hand, Pale Hand is a great meme for teenagers who love to be scared. Oh, what is that a reference to? You know, Slenderman. Oh, what is that a reference to? You know, Slenderman. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sorry, Slenderman.

Yeah. Pale hands in. Yep. Slenderman is out. Anyway, I ended up drinking, like, who knows. Yeah. How many knockoffs did you? Well, I got a- Well, you said who knows.

I got a six pack and I split it with my friend. Wait, did they sell a six pack at the Hollywood Bowl? No. I came with a six pack. You had a friend with a very elastic anus. Hoop this for me. Yeah. Nice.

Good job. While we're doing sound effects. while we're doing sound effects yeah and then we went through the six-pack and then i guess during intermission we went down to the hollywood bowl store and bought sweatshirts two more knock off drinks no those things are like 92 dollars it's got a picture of kathy and she's going the hollywood bowl it just the sweatsh just says, sorry you didn't bring one of these. Colder than you thought it would be, huh? Wasn't cold when you left. Chilly, eh?

Little chilly, eh? Yeah. Is the Hollywood Bowl saying that? That's how I imagined it. Oh, yeah. The speech bubble from opening and closing. The clamshell is like, chilly, eh? How many people at a Hollywood Bowl sing along

for, what was this, Planet of the Apes, you said? It was sold out. So that's like thousands of people. Thousands of people singing the songs. Do, re, mi. The first three letters

just happen to be You know You're a very gifted vocalist Thank you very much The great Helen Hong Even whilst drunk I knew Gotta hear her sober

Next day drunk I knew you were a hoofer Of course Sure Yeah, Hong's a triple threat Yeah, one, two, three I guess quadruple threat Acting, singing, hoofing, claw noises.

That's right. Oh, and game show hosting. That's right! Oh, wow. Five threats in one room. Was that five? So I guess total in this room, we have six threats. You've got five, and Jesse and I have a quarter of a threat and three quarters of a threat, respectively.

I don't know. That bird shirt is pretty threatening. Oh, that's what I was talking about. This is my quarter of a threat and three quarters of a threat, respectively. I don't know. That bird shirt is pretty threatening. Oh, that's what I was talking about. This is my quarter of a threat. He's wearing a t-shirt with pictures of birds on it that says birds underneath. Sold by our past guest, Brandon Bird. The great Brandon Bird. Brandonbird.com.

And there's a prominent owl, which I'm fascinated by owls. Yeah. Most of the things I bring to the table are T-shirt based when we're looking to form a crew for a heist or something. We need a guy to distract with delightful T-shirts. Or a game show. Yeah. A lot of, just a lot of, yeah, I'm very useful.

That's great. Yeah. That's really fun. That is really great. What's your top song to sing from the entire seven hours of The Sound of Music? You know what? I forgot how long the movie was. All three VHS cassettes.

Maybe that's why I got so tanked. Yeah. Because I was sitting there for like 19 hours. The movie's 19 hours long. No wonder I went through the six pack and then some. So I was just shit-faced. Yeah. I mean, I got so wrecked

during the dr zhivago talk along no songs that she's talk along with the movie jordan i think it's my job now to mention berlin alexander plots is that correct sure go for it uh i also got very drunk watching the uh 12hour German film Alexanderplatz. Isn't that a place? Yes. Alexanderplatz. It's a plot. But it's also a film that I think maybe ran as a miniseries at some point. Oh, and you watched all 207

hours? It's like 10 or 12 hours long. It's very long. So I can I explain my new nickname? River Rat. River Rat. Yes. So that's me.

I might keep it too. I mean usually we've kind of been doing these kind of new alt nicknames at the top of the show. I might. Wait. If we were to give River Rat a sound effect, would it be – Yes. That is actually it. I was maybe going to maybe yes and that and try some new ones.

We're not doing any better, honestly. So, yeah. So maybe when I mentioned River Rat, if you could just maybe pull that out. A lot of people know that Patton Oswalt played Ratatouille in the hit film Ratatouille. But Helen Hong did all his efforts. Oh, right. Yeah. Wow.

Oh, boy. All his efforts and then wows and oh, boys. Yeah. Anytime in that movie where you hear wow or oh, boy, that's Helen. You go on credit. It's like the guy who did most of the singing in Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah. We got paid almost the same, Patton Oswalt and I.

Oh, wow. Yeah, because people just don't give enough credit to the – like that's – it's effort. The wows, they're a big part of the Pixar formula. I mean people talk about like, oh, they make you cry or the storytelling or the humor that transcends generations. It's the wows. No, it's the wows and to a lesser extent the oh boys. know, the humor that transcends generations. It's the wows. It's the wows and, to a lesser extent, the oh boys. Yeah. And some little slurpees.

Yes. And some slurping noises. Yeah. Yeah. They're called little slurpees. Little slurpees. Yeah. That's a director's cut of WALL-E has a lot more little slurpees than a theatrical release.

I didn't mean to correct you, Jordan. It's just that I'm in the industry. Entertainment. He's got a desk to prevent. I'm a quarter threat. I'm t-shirts. You're entertainment. My quarter threat is looming.

Sure. That's because you're tall, though. Yeah, pretty much. I'm beefy. I'm also pretty beef though. Yeah, pretty much. Height. I'm beefy. I'm also pretty beefy. Yeah, that helps a loom. Yeah. I'm balding.

That makes for a... Yeah, I don't think I'm a loomer. Yeah. Yeah. But... But you could surprise. Ah! Yeah, see?

There you go. That's a great example. Not everybody has to loom, Helen. Yeah. It's for a certain subset of people. Wait. I'm dying to know about the river rat. Oh, yes.

Okay. So just to briefly catch up, my life has been destroyed and I have lots of free time on my hands. Great. It's been upended and not a lot going on. Great. Before, if you catch earlier this year, I was a man with shit going on. Now, nothing. You got a sound effect for nothing?

Yeah, that's my state. And I've been kind of talking to people about this, trying to open up a little bit, trying to share my state with people. And, you know, kind of what and what everybody is saying to me in their in, you know, in their move to be positive. Take a trip. Oh, take a trip. Do a little traveling.

Yeah. Go find yourself out. Yes. Go. Yourself is out. Exactly. It's on the. Just look yourself out there. Yourself is out there somewhere. Go find it. say that it's like well i'm having work trouble do something expensive that's not but and so but i i caught myself thinking that i caught myself doing that and i'm like you know what these fucking nice people are being nice and they're probably right these nice fuckos these nice motherfuckers who are doing nothing but trying to help are these – what delightful fuckos.

I'm so lucky to have such lovely fuckos in my life. And, you know, I need to think about that. There is something to that though. Hey, you know, dig yourself a bigger financial hole. Yeah. Yeah, that will help. Have a trip and then when you come back, worry more because you spent some money and maybe you don't know where the next batch is coming from right thank you uh what but you know so i'm like okay well what can i do in

that zone that's not like you know obviously maybe this is not the time to backpack around south america maybe this is not the time to see those ruins in rome that have the stray cats that live at them you were gonna do that French winery tour. Yeah. Maybe that goes- Postpone that one. Postpone that. If only there was something, though, Jordan.

Yes, please. If there was something that had the magic and sophistication of the French countryside, but right here in our backyard as Angelinos. Yes, exactly. But right here in our backyard as Angelinos. Yes, exactly. Some sort of beautiful field fit for a candlestick maker or a butcher or something. Sure, yes.

Kind of an international city of the world. A Basque city. Right. Where they read. Lots of reading. Where everyone reads. Not like in L.A. Why are you reading? Hello, you're not reading.

Jesse, why are you reading? Brian, read. Oh, I hate it here. Anyway. A place that's home to people, to jazz legends, like just picking one at random, singer Gregory Porter. Wow. Well, I will trust you on that. We're going in the same direction.

Yeah. So one of my dreams, people who listen to this show might know, is to go tubing. Yeah. Tubing. To be in an inner tube and have a six pack of something up my ass. And of course the tube, your ass is in the water. So easy access up my ass. And of course the tube your ass is in the water so easy access to the ass if you need another.

You could even have a tube going from your ass to your mouth. You could be double tubing. That would be great. You could be in the tube and then there could be a tube connecting

your butt to your mouth. So there would be sort of a pouch filled with liquid in my ass. Yes. And a tube coming out. This is a long dream.

This is a long held dream. Yeah. This is a long dream. This is a long held dream. Yeah. This is your, the time you went to the Los Angeles County Fair. Right. Yes. This dream. Yes. Exactly.

And so I'm like, well, maybe this tubing thing. And we're in the kind of the dregs of summer. Yeah. It's like tubing season. Time to tube. So I looked at the tubing options and the closest tubing well there was tubing throat singing yes there's tubing tubing throat singing which is a beautiful custom. Oh. Wow. Beautiful custom.

And so the closest tubing is on the Kern River, which is close, about an hour outside of Bakersfield. Oh, I know it. Do you know the Kern River? No, I don't know the Kern River. I just know I got a speeding ticket in Kern County. Oh, okay. I've gotten a speeding ticket in Kern County as well. Yes, and they're just, you know, CHP is on it in Kern County.

It's one of those places where you're like, what the fuck does it matter if I speed here? And you're like, aha, we got you. There's four cars on the road, officer. Really? I was singing Katy Perry, can you let me slide? And you didn't let me slide. I'm sorry. No, got a big old speeding ticket in Kern County.

That's why Kern County is forever indelibly stamped into my brain. Well, I'm sorry I'm going to tell this Kern story. But I hear the river is lovely. The river is lovely. So I was like, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get together a tube crew. We're going to head up to Bakersfield. Nice. There's a lovely hotel up there. Did you send an head up to Bakersfield. Nice.

There's a lovely hotel up there. Did you send an Evite? I did not. Well, maybe I should. Oh, you should have sent an Evite. Hey, tube crew. Those are fun. WWMD, what would Martha do?

Sure. Yeah. Or weapons. Like, I would love to get in. Weapons of mass destruction. What would weapons of mass destruction do? I would love nothing more to get an Evite in the mail and go, what would weapons of mass destruction do? I would love nothing more to get an e-vite in the mail

and go, what is this? And open it and go, come to open! What even is that? Do you not get those from Martha? Who's Martha in this situation? Martha Stewart. Oh, okay. The original weapon of mass destruction. That's what I call her.

Pow pow! In the bedroom. That's what I call her. Pow, pow. In the bedroom. She's destroying outsider stock tips. Sure. Insider ones. Right. Yes. So, yeah. So, I'm like, so there's a, they have a little kind of a boutique hotel there in like a historic building that's kind of cheap midweek.

You can stay for a hundred bucks midweek. Okay. And, you know, Bak can stay for a hundred bucks midweek. And, you know, Bakersfield, a lot of fun stuff. Great record store in Bakersfield. Home of the Bakersfield sound of country music. Yeah. So it has a country music history. You can check out Buck Owens and Merle Haggard.

Yeah. Buck Owens. Wait, when you say it's home of the Bakersfield sound, does that mean when you drive into Bakersfield you hear this sound? No, it's like a rock-inflected country music. That just exists in the ether. Yeah. That you just have to know. Thanks to the great Buck Owens.

Right, sure. Got it. The creator of Buck Owens Crystal Palace. So you just go there and go, wow, this is where that happened. This is where they decided to add fewer harmonies and more pedal steel guitar. Okie dokie. Okie dokie. A lot of great things about Bakersfield. They got a great ice cream place in Bakersfield.

Okay. When was the last time you sounded like you were in Bakersfield, though? I'm in Bakersfield all the time. You are? Bakersfield is the only thing that is between my house and my cabin. Okay. Like, it is a four-hour drive to my cabin. Because that is how far you have to drive to...

Escape humanity. Like you have to go beyond the... You have to go past the reasonable commute to Los Angeles distance. Then you have to go past the unreasonable commute to Los Angeles distance. And then because otherwise you're just buying a $5 million cabin for, you know,

your 200 square feet. So Bakersfield is the one thing that's in between. Oh, so you're there a lot. I have a lot of investment in like, because I like to take a stop. It's like the one place to take a stop. And they got a good ice cream place. There's a good record store. You know, every bathroom in Bakersfield.

You bet I do. in Bakersfield. You bet I do. And everything that they call a Basque restaurant, which is a specific Bakersfield type of food that is related to but not that related to Basque food. Wait, is it Basque or is it Baskerfield? There you go. That might be it, yeah.

It's a pronunciation thing. Baskerfield. Yeah, it's just a pronunciation thing. One by one, people start to flake. No. It turns out that others have things going on. Oh, shit. Families, jobs. Yeah. Things like that.

Wow. Not my type of people. Punctures. Sure. Selfish pricks. So day before. No! The day before everybody bails?

The day before. So I'm like, well, I've booked this hotel. You know, it's $100. You know, it ain't nothing. I've planned this. I'm like, you know, it's one of these things where you put it off and you put it off and you never do it. Right.

I'm like, I'm just going to go. Solo rider. Wow. This is a principle we've discussed on the show. If you go to an amusement park by yourself, there's a shorter line. Solo rider. And you know what else, Jordan? What?

That's what Buck Owens would do. Thank you. He would just get that pedal steel guitar and he would get in the tube. What do you think? Get in the tube with it. He would shove a can up his ass. The first thing Merle Haggard would tell you is, first thing I remember knowing is a lonesome whistle

blowing. Right. Yes. That's poetic. And you know, time to put that whistle in my mouth. Yeah. Time to wrap these lips around that whistle. Yeah. Just like Bakersfield legends cooling the gang. Sure.

Also party whistle legends. Oh, interesting. Yeah. They're not from Bakersfield. But Gregory Porter is. I bought it. I bought it. Yeah, you too.

So, you know, so I'm like, you know, let's do this. Solo vacations. I call the tubing place and I'm like, I'm coming up tomorrow for tubing. I want to make a reservation. They're like, how many in your party? I was like, one. Like, one? That's what the guy said?

One. One? One? Oh, so judgy. And he's like, oh, you know, we actually don't do reservations for parties. Less than four. Just show up around the time the thing's supposed to leave and you can jump in the van with people who are here. That sounds safe.

Sounds safe. Just jump in this weird van. And maybe my new tube crew is just going up apart from me and I got this whole maybe it was meant to be. Maybe you could be. Just tell your kid to pack a duffel bag. We'll put the hood on them, throw them in the van. Before they know it, they'll be in Samoa learning a little fucking respect. Thank you.

What is that a reference to? Like when you have your own child kidnapped to send them to reform school. Like having them to Earl Sweatshirt. Sure. Yeah, in American Samoa. Wow. Take them to American Samoa with Earl Sweatshirt. Yeah, an American Samoa. Wow. Take him to American Samoa with an Earl Sweatshirt.

Yeah. Wow. Well, you know what? It did some good for the rock. I don't know if that's where he grew up. No, I don't think he did,

but he is of Samoan heritage. That's true. And he's got nothing but respect. That's true. Except for conventional placement of eyebrows. Right. I saw Hobbs and Shaw.

They can take out a whole private army with just traditional Samoan weapons. He can hold up a pickup truck with his bare hands. Yeah. You know. He can call Statham a dickhead. Oh. Did that happen? Oh. There's a lot of name calling in that movie.

Wow. How much name calling do you like? Because I have the movie for you. So, okay. So I'm doing this. You know what? Can I just take this moment to say? Please.

I am very proud of your proactive, tubing, solo man venture. That's really nice of you to say. I mean, I, because, you know, a lesser human would have been like, you know what, I'm just backing out slowly in this solo tubing sitch, but not you. Or just I'm going to Bakersfield and eating ice cream the whole time. That's where I would have been at. I would have been splay out in my $100 hotel room eating scoop after scoop. They got taffy.

They got those little handmade chocolates. Wow. That's great. That does sound nice. I missed this place when I was there. Next time. Yeah. Next trip to Bakersfield.

Two hours if you hit it right. Just don't get stuck on that grapevine. I can't get stuck on a fucking grapevine. Your engine will overheat, Jordan. Yeah. If you're running your AC. And you know I am, baby. You know this asshole likes to stay cool.

Cold as ice, motherfucker. M.O.P. So I drive up to the national forest. Ooh. And so- I didn't know the government was involved. Oh, yeah. Shit. National forest. Land of many uses, Helen. Wow. and uh and so i didn't know the government was involved oh yeah shit national forest land of

many uses helen beautiful scenery getting the government involved flowing flowing i can see the river from the car and it's beautiful it's amazing it is like i mean you it's there's no chp no there's no officer ripping the ticket for you. Nobody's pulling me over. Fuckos. Yeah. And so I get to the tube place, nice little tube place. And I'm like, hey, I'm here for the one o'clock. I'm a little late.

They had to show up 30 minutes early. I showed up 30 minutes early. They're like, how many in your party? One. One? Yeah, one. And they're like, well, no one's made a reservation. We don't go up unless there's four or more.

What? So I'm like, well, I called earlier and they said just to show up. And they're like, yeah, well, we don't go up unless there's four or more. These fucking bakers. Classic Bakersfield bullshit. And I'm looking around. And I'm looking around this little town, which is like here, you know, it's Kernville.

And it exists on this mountain for tube-based tourism. Yeah. And it is absolutely empty. Tube country. Tube country, yes. The tubes are empty. The tubes are empty. And yeah, I mean, there's nobody there. So I like Google.

And I just want to, I'm going to bring out my phone here because I just started kind of Googling to see like what the other tube choices were. So I Googled. Inner. Inner, yeah. I just did that and watched some videos alone in my car for 45 minutes. So I Googled Kern River tubing. 45 minutes. So I do Kern River Tubin.

I'm picturing you, by the way, right now as that one egg from U.S. Acres that was wearing the little ducky floater. Yeah. You remember that? I do remember. That was a fun egg. That's what I'm picturing right now. So here's the fifth thing that comes up on Google when you do Kern River Tubin. Okay.

It's an article from Bakersfield.com. Yeah. Ooh, Bakersfield.com. This is your source for all things Bakersfield. It's sort of the, Bakersfield.com. This is your source for all things Bakersfield. It's sort of the definitive. It's not.net. It's not.gov.

I know you don't spend a lot of time up there. It's sort of the definitive. Oh, it is the legit spot for Intel. It's the newspaper of record of Bakersfield. They're a gray lady. Defying the odds,

tubing down the Kern River turns deadly. So people die here. Okay. People die on the Kern. So I'm kind of Googling, and I think this lady kind of sees me, and she's nice. Oh, she feels for you. Yeah, she's like, hey, we can't take you up there, but I can sell you an inner tube. And there's a guy in town who does like a shuttle service.

You give him five bucks. We'll take you up to. We'll take you up to where that. What? Five bucks. Five bucks. That sounds that's like cheaper than a lift from my house to my house. It's a.

Is that what you had to take last night after the big show from my house to my house? It's a week. Just circle the block and drop me off. Is that what you had to take last night after the big show? From my house to my house. Yeah. It's five bucks. What? We didn't even leave. I just want to lay down and listen to a Katy Perry song. I'm too dunked to argue.

Put on the one about Vegas. Put on the one about the fireworks. God damn it. It's me. She's thinking about me. I'm the firework. I'm a blaster in the sky. I have 16 going on 17.

So I'm like, yeah, let's do this. So I buy spoke fork over 14 bucks for an inner tube. The brand of tube, River Rat. No! It's got a cool ass rat on it with shades. Do you mean...

That's the one, Helen. That's the River Rat in question. Wow. So they have like an air pump back there. They let me use the air pump for free blow up this thing that's what she said yes that is what she said martha stewart um and and so i call the van i call the shuttle nice guy named clint picks me up we listened to system of a down for about 20 minutes it takes 20 minutes yeah it took about 20 minutes. It takes 20 minutes? Yeah, it took about 20 minutes. Shit. This is like, and for five bucks?

Yeah. And so he's like, hey, so she's like, you get in here and just, you know, you ride the river for an hour and a half, two hours, and they'll shoot you off back in town. Oh, my God. Thanks, Clint. Clint knows what he's talking about. So I get in the river. There's like, there's no one else tubing.

I'm the only human. What did you think when he said it'll shoot you off back in town? Were you like, oh, I'm going to die? It was reassuring. I'm going to die. No, Clint was so confident. Clint was so confident. Clint was like, you're not going to die.

No. Clint wants me to live a long and happy life. How about those gators, though? I don't think there's any gators. No gators in there? No gators. I was told. No snakers.

I don't mean to pull my bakersfield car no i mean you're you're the pro man you're the human version of bakersfield.com i'm told there's gators in there yeah but maybe maybe they were off that day i didn't see any gator warnings i didn't see any what day what day of the week was it when you were there this This was a Thursday. So they work Friday through Wednesday. Oh, okay. Sure. That's the problem. Just when the bar's capped. Do they drink White Claw? Yeah. They have claws. So it's appropriate.

Thursday they're mostly driving Uber. Sure. They get five bucks for taking a drunk lady from her house to her house. Katie Perry, god damn it. I want to hear Katy Perry now. Gators got to have a side hustle these days. I'm a survivor.

I'm Katy Perry. I am a gator. I live in rivers. Could be a caiman. Could. Could be a caiman or a gar. Mm-hmm. So I start the float, and it's great.

It's fucking great. Wow. It's everything I wanted it to be. It's so beautiful. You get a little bit of wildlife every now and then. A crane took off over my head. What? Some hawks were swooping around.

There's these little dips. There's some rapid areas where you move a little fast, and maybe you bump your butt a little bit on the bottom. Do you have, like, is your inner tube, my picture of tubing. The river rat. Does the double R have a cooler system of some kind? Yeah. Like do you have beverages?

All my tubing ideas are built around beers floating in a river. So this is what I wanted. This was in my mind. And when I was assembling the tube crew, I thought this is what we would do. And I had like a cooler with some drinks in the car and you know I had a little kind of like thermos that had a little cocktail in it and I'm like

but when I saw the Bakersfield.com article about the tube returning deadly I'm like you know what let's not tempt fate this time let's do a little crank yeah exactly I need to have all my senses all my ideas. Save this thing.

Head the fuck on. So you did seven lines of coke. I did seven lines of blow off of a gator. Could have been a gar. Sure. So no, but yeah, I mean, I wanted that to be it, but I got scared. I got scared of maybe if I was a little tipsy or something, something would go wrong. Again, I'm alone.

This is a solo writer situation. Was your inner tube in the classic inner tube shape or did it have like a back or did it have like a little diaper thing? Yeah. Do you know the kind of thing I'm talking about so that your legs are pointing down? Yes. This is just a circle. This is a rubber circle. So you're just – of thing I'm talking about so that your legs are pointing down? Yes. This is just a circle. This is a rubber circle. So you're just, it's a donut.

Yes. Which is Clint's playlist. You're the donut hole. Yes, exactly. Of the donut. Yeah, exactly. I'm the hole in the donut. Yes, exactly.

So the lowest part of you is that sweet, sweet ass. Yes, exactly. Oh, shit. So your ass is just out for whatever is in the water that wants to – Have a little peek. Take a look at your thong, thong, thong, thong. Sure. Exactly.

Sure. So, yeah. So I'm floating and I'm loving it. And I'm like, you know what? This was an ordeal, but I'm here. This is great. I'm floating and I'm loving it. And I'm like, you know what? This was an ordeal, but I'm here. This is great. I'm relaxing. And, you know, this is something I wouldn't have done if I was swamped.

And here I am and this is great. You're hanging out. You're playing the dobro a little bit. Yes, you're right. Exactly. And so then I'm like, how long have I been doing this? I'm like, has it been an hour and a half, two hours? Wait, do you have your phone with you?

I do not. So my phone is in my car and my keys are with the tube lady. What? Tube lady closes at five. This will become important later. Oh, shit. So I, but I got in at noon. I'm in the water at noon.

So I'm like, you know, even if this goes three hours, I'll be fine. As long as it shoots me out back in town like Clint said it would. And you've lost all track of time. Lost all track of time. I'm like, should I look at the sun? Do I know what that? And is your butt skin kind of prunish at this point? It's been bumped a bit at this point.

Oh, so it's a little pink and lumpy. It's a little pink and lumpy. Oh, shit. Like me when I put my hand in that OxyClean. Oh, so it's a little pink and lumpy. It's a little pink and lumpy. Oh, shit. Like me when I put my hand in that OxyClean. Right, exactly. So, yeah. So I'm, you know, and I'm starting to get worried. And I've, you know, I'm like, man, maybe I should, I see a couple of no trespassing signs

along the river. I'm like, am I going to get a blast of rock salt from a guy in a MAGA hat? You know who puts up those signs? Gators. Gators. Gators. They're out of there on their day off. They put them up.

Wednesday night, they put them up. Friday morning, they take them down. So at some point, I stop moving. So the river stops, and the water gets gross. Oh, no. So the water up and the water gets gross. So the water up to this point was beautiful. Crystal clear. You could probably drink it. You could probably drink it. This is mountain snow runoff.

I know this water. This is why the Kern County has so many famous breweries. That beautiful water. I did not know any of this, by the way. And it starts, the water is now gross and it smells bad and there's a lot of bugs.

Okay. So I'm like, this seems wrong. This seems wrong and I'm not moving. So I like paddle, I paddle to the edge and I'm like, I'll get out and just see what is happening. So I paddle to the edge and I jump out of the tube and I sink up to my waist in mud. Oh, shit! Oh, my God.

What looks like ground is just mud and it's so fucking hard to get my feet out of it. Oh, my God. Is it like quicksand? Yeah. Are you living a quicksand moment? I am getting sucked down into this stuff. It is going up to my waist. Keep talking because I'm getting super horny. Fucking gross.

Me too! My dick is out. Anytime anyone says quicksand, dick is out. Helen, Hong, dick out. Dick's out for quicksand. Give me that quicksand, bitch. Helen's doing a very sensual quicksand dance. And it smells so bad and it's so fucking gross.

There's like dead things in there. Yeah, there probably is. There's like carcasses of dead animals that couldn't get out. Yeah, like a giant sloth. Yeah. Or a dire wolf. Or a dude. Some dude. Could a dire wolf. Or a dude. Some dude.

Could be a dude. Crocodile. So I'm like struggling to get through this mud and I see a little patch where there are some bird footprints. And I'm like, this bird walked out of here. I know I'm heavier than a bird, but this bird maybe had some sort of, you know, nature knowledge. And who knows? It could have been an emu. Could have been.

Sure, yeah. You're not heavier than a goddamn emu. Those things are monsters. It's an emu. Emu? Emu. Yeah. You're not heavier than a...

You're not heavier than a... I am heavier than an emu. You are heavier than an emu. I cannot fit into skinny jeans. They tend to be emaciated. They tend to be somewhat emaciated. That's true. Emus do wear skinny jeans.

Yeah. I am heavier than all of my chemical romance. Yeah. I don't know if they're an emo bandone at me. The promise ring? Yeah, that'll work. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if they're thin, but who knows? There's no way to find out. They're definitely bipedal birds, though. That's right. Big man-sized birds. The classic call of the emu. So I follow these bird tracks, and the mud is still very deep, but it is getting less deep. It is getting to where I can walk. Oh, jeez.

Are you pulling your tube? Pulling the river rat behind me. And I still have my LifeVest on because they're going to charge me for it. You had a LifeVest on the entire time. rented a life vest from good for you this changes my entire image yeah i thought you were just just butt out no but the life vest kind of it was yellow it went around your egg and then it had a little ducky face on it right like the egg yes i said give me the give me the u.s acres i said they were like. They were like, U.S. Acres? You're like, it ran with Garfield and no one knew why? Yeah.

It was like Garfield, but on a farm and not funny? Even if you were eight? Right. So I get to where it is just dry ground. Yeah. And I see a sign off in the distance that says Lakeside Lodge. So that confirms my suspicion that I was not in a river anymore, but now I am in a lake. Right.

A gross lake. So they wouldn't put a lakeside lodge next to a goddamn ocean. Mm-hmm. Certainly wouldn't put it next to a river. Where are they going to put that? Next to a lake. You got it. So I go up to the lake side.

That's good logic. So I walk up to the lake. This guy's no idiot. This man's no idiot. He's got the safety vest on. He spent the money. He spent time on- I'm the only one in LA who reads.

He spent time on bakersfield.com. That's true, yes. And that makes you point your nose up at the idiots. And so I go up and the Lakeside Lodge is deserted. Like there's nobody at Lakeside Lodge. I just like, I mean, kind of like that little town. It's like, this is just their off season. Like they're, you know.

So you're like, hello? So at some point I go up up to what says is their office. I'm like, oh, I'll go up to the – there's signs pointing to office, which is – so I follow the signs and it's just a house. So I'm like, shit. And I'm dragging the river around. And are you covered in mud? I'm covered in mud, yes. And I stink.

I stink like shit because I've been in corpse mud. Yeah. And I – Those dire wolves don't smell good when they're decomposing. No, they sure don't. By the way, my dick is still out. Slightly more plastic. From what I can see, harder than ever.

Yes. So I knock on the door of the house that is the office. And this woman comes to the door with. And I can see like four kids behind her. Four young kids. One of them full Batman costume. Help me, Batman. And is she holding a shotgun?

Yes. Chunk, chunk. Get off my property. If this is another goddamn gator. Are you a guy who's a tubing guy whose friends canceled on him at the last minute? And so I said, hey hey i'm so sorry i was tubing and got lost do you know where the town is and she's like it's about two miles up the road and i'm like thank you and she's like i'm like oh also what time is it and she's like it's 4 40 oh my god so So if you've been tubing all God.

Yes. I've been tubing for, I'd say I was struggling for an hour of it and I was relaxing for, you know, three of it. So you finally got in the zone, like a silent meditation retreat. Yeah,

exactly. Yeah. I was oming. I just owned my way past whatever the, the off point was or becoming a nun. Yeah. Have you thought about getting me to a number? point was. Or becoming a nun. Yeah. Have you thought about getting thee to a nunnery? I have now.

Yeah. You know who had? Maria from The Sound of Music. Exactly. She got her to a nunnery. Yeah. Doe a deer. So I'm like, well, I got 20.

A female deer. A female deer. Thank you. Yes. But why gender the deer anyway? It's true. It's so sexist uh so i i'm like well i i need i i i need to get back to this because if this place closes i don't have keys i don't have a phone i

don't have a wallet and then i mean i guess maybe my plan there's like find a phone call triple a they can open my car and at least i'll have a phone and i can you know call a call a lift to take me back to bakersfield or something like that. But I'm like, why don't that? That will be bad and very expensive. So I'm like, well, what do I do? So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to hitchhike.

I got this. I got this white male privilege. Time to use it. So I start walking back to where she says the town is, and I just stick out my thumb. And you're covered in putrid mud. And you're covered in putrid mud. And I'm covered in putrid mud. And you're wearing-

And I have a wildlife vest on. You're wearing a life vest. And I'm dragging it too. That says River Rat on it. I mean, who's going to pick up a goddamn egg? I know. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You're an egg with a- Who's going to pick that up? Someone who needs an unfunny character for their bad cartoon. Yeah. Someone who's going to pick that up? Someone who needs an unfunny character for their bad cartoon. Yeah. Someone who's into omelets. Someone who's going to prove that Jim Davis is a hack who just got lucky. Right. Yes.

But fucking five minutes into sticking out my thumb, a pickup truck pulls over. What? You are privileged as fuck. I know. This is unbelievable. A guy says, do you want to throw the tube in the back? I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to leave it.

I don't need the rat. The rat served its purpose. You ditched the rat. Ditched want to throw the tube in the back? I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to leave it. I don't need the rat. The rat served its purpose. You ditched the rat. Ditched the rat by the side of the road. Introduced myself to the guy. He has press credentials hanging around his neck. He is the editor in chief of the Kern Valley Sun. Oh, hell yeah.

Talked to me about a scandal related to the water department that they were having. Not enough or too much? Hard to say. Yeah. Drops me back there. Five minutes before they close, I get my keys. What a wonderful ending to this story. Yeah, sitting there having a nice beer covered in mud.

You weren't sexually assaulted. No. You weren't eaten by savages. No. Cannibals. None of that. Your life vest was intact? Mm-hmm.

The Kern County newspaper guy stabbed him a little. A little. Just a couple of jabs with a pocket knife. They went out the next day, and the gators got him pretty good. Mm-hmm. Well, he deserved it. Yeah. That was tempting fate.

Well, the universe provides, Jordan. I tubed. I tubed. It was an ordeal. I feel alive. That is... Congratulations, dude, the universe provides, Jordan. I tubed. It was an ordeal. I feel alive. Congratulations, dude. Thank you. Thank you.

This story was riveting. Oh, good. And also sexually gratifying because of the quicksand. The quicksand bit. Right. I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know you left. I would have known.

Hard. Next time you're on the show, I'll try to get into another quicksand ordeal. Dick is out. Sure. Dick is out. Sure. Dick out all day. You ever go on any adventures in the jungle, like looking for hieroglyphs or anything? I just, I'm not quite finished. Oh.

Sorry. Brian, put on National Treasure so Jesse can blast. Oh, and then I did go to eat at Buck Owens' Crystal Palace. What was that like? Because it's right by the side of the road in Bakersfield. Is it one of those huge, you just see billboards for it for miles, and they're just advertising it, like the pea soup. Pea soup anderson's?

Oh, yeah. It is like a total 1992 strip mall with the grandest facade you've ever seen. With an enormous neon guitar. It says Buck Owens Crystal Palace. It is spectacular. And yeah, I've always wanted to know what it's like. Yeah. My steak was a little overcooked. Yeah.

As for it, medium rare. Wow. It was medium well. I gave it to you cowboy style. Yeah, it's me cowboy style. And on my way out, I hit my head on a bronze statue of Garth Brooks. Really hard, too. Oh, shit.

I was going to stay out a little bit longer. Garth Brooks was really hard. Huh? Or you were. I mean, after that conk on the noggin. Garth Brooks' dick was out. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, Crystal Palace, pretty cool. Yeah, the coolest thing I would say is they have a big, like they have a convertible mounted above the bar

which I guess Buck Owens is convertible and it has like horns and guns and rhinestones and stuff all over. It's pretty neat. Hell yeah,

that rules. Pretty neat. Buck Owens is great too there's you know there's a band there playing playing all night till and did you tell everyone there that you almost died in quicksand that day no one cared that's the bakersfield way you're always almost dying in quicksand they're like oh welcome to bakersfield fucking uh jack rabbit i don't know i'm just starting to think of something maybe they call you when you're new. Can I drop a Bakersfield plug in? Sure.

While we're talking Bakersfield? Yes. I bet there's some Bakersfieldians or at least some Kern County folk. One might want to make the trip down, right? Seems right. All I have to say is if the CHP officer who pulled me over is listening, fuck you. Yeah, fuck you. We're big with the Basque American community.

We should- Where every meal is served with a giant pile of spaghetti for some reason. What? That sounds amazing. We should get my bro at the Kern Valley Sun

to investigate these police, these pullovers, these pullover happy police. Anyway. My buddy, Noe Montes, just had a show open at the Bakersfield Museum of Art.

So if you're in Bakersfield, go check out my buddy Noe's photography of the Central Valley. That sounds like a fun day in Bakersfield. Fun day in Bakersfield. You get yourself out of that ice cream place. You go to that record store downtown. It's a little overpriced, but good records. Go tubing, but don't die. Tube, yeah.

Tube with a friend. Tube with a buddy tube. But if you're going to tube, it's better to do a long weekend. You tube on Thursday. You don't have to worry about the skaters. Right. Friday's the Crystal Palace. Saturday, hit the Art Museum.

Wow. Sunday afternoon, have yourself a Sunday. Get back to Visalia. There's like four days worth of stuff to do in Bakersfield. If you're lucky, you'll run into the legendary jazz singer Gregory Porter. Also a lot of Sonics. They have a lot of Sonics as well. Oh, that's nice.

Cherry Limeade or something. I'll tell my friend Peter Gross, who's in those commercials. Oh, yeah. He started in those commercials when he was 12, and now he's 55. Those guys, that is like the, we don't really have Sonic in Los Angeles. There might be one or two, but it's not a thing where we don't get those TV commercials. But those guys are like the two improv legends who have lived an entire life, an entire adult life at this point. In their car.

Just hanging out. At a Sonic. Hanging out in Chicago. They're the only two people ever to answer the question, how do you make a living doing improv? It's you get cast in the Sonic commercials 25 years ago or whatever. The only one who understands them is Flo. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Anyway. That's amazing, Jordan. Congratulations on going on that great adventure. Yeah. Having an or- Surviving.

I survived. You survived. You didn't spend that much money. Yeah. You didn't regret it. Sure. I had an adventure on a reasonable budget. That would have been a pretty good death, though.

If someone was like, oh, Jordan died. How did he die? He went doobing by himself and sunk in the mud. Ass contusions. Yeah, right. And he was so into the La Brea Tar Pits

and now we know it was foreshadowing. Oh, yeah. I guess that would be a fitting death for me, a man who loves the La Brea Tar Pits more than any other museum.

Yeah, you were just trapped in there among those direwolves. Mm-hmm. Wow, what a way to... You know, I'm going to go back and die. I'm going to go back and... Don't. Just sink.

Jordan, we love you. We need you here. I've had a good life. We need you. I've lived. Show business needs you, Jordan. They've been very clear that they do not. They have been very clear.

Show business needs you. I have Jordan Morris. Anyway. So, yeah. I would recommend it. Yeah, I recommend Tubin. Don't do that solo writer. Save that for the

Jurassic World ride at Universal Studios. That's a fine solo writer experience. Tubin may be a little dangerous. And then just check out Bakersfield.com. Oh, and of course, the Kern Valley Sun. Great newspaper. And Tubin Throat Singing. And Tubin Throat. And tube and throat singing. Beers, beers, beers.

Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Hong. Can I just tell you, Helen, that's the sound that my oldest child makes when she's angry and a little overwhelmed. Yeah, she does that, and she does the claw, too. That's like her sign, I am now beyond reason. Well, then it's fitting.

Just give her a nice white claw. Send her off to bed. It soothes them. Jam it up in there and see how it goes. It soothes them. We have some sponsors on this week's Jordan Jessup. We sure do. Surprisingly, not White Claw.

Yeah, come on. We've been talking about this thing for nine weeks. Get in here. We know there's a shortage. I will shove one up my ass for you, White Claw. We all will on mic. We got a sponsorship. We got a briefly added sponsorship from Orbitz, that ball drink.

Did we? No. No. That would be great, though. God, I'd love to get some of that or get in on some of that Orbitz money. I would have remembered that. Wouldn't it be great if Orbitz, the travel website, was just after the ball drink company pivoted? Oh, yeah. Like, was just after the ball drink company pivoted.

Oh, yeah. I was like, now we do. We do cheap flights to Phoenix. Yeah. We are actually brought to you by, of course, all of Maximum Fund's wonderful members, or at least all of the ones who listen to Jordan Jesse go and have gone to MaximumFund.org to become members. to MaximumFun.org slash donate to become members. We're also brought to you this week in part by our pals over at Dashlane, which is a password management app that keeps all your online information safe,

secure, encrypted, and easy to access. For you. For you, Jordan. Oh, thank you. Or for one. For one. Whomever. For one who has the account. They're not making it easy to access.

For evildoers. Yeah, you've got to get it. Well, one who has the account. They're not making it easy to access. For evildoers. Yeah, you gotta get, well, unless they get the account. Listen, if there's any evildoers out there, they want to go to Dashlane.com slash JJ Go. Yeah. Hey, the penguin. Sure. Hey, Vandal Savage. Wow.

I don't know what that is. It's a caveman who lives forever. Oh, shit. Yeah. Fuck yeah. What? Was he just tubing one day on the Kern River, got stuck in some mud in there with the dire Oh, my God.

What's his number? This guy sounds like a real unicorn. I don't have Vandal Savage's number. He's like a real unicorn. Let's see. What's his IG handle? At BuddyHellandHung on Twitter. If you're out there, Vandal Savage, slide into those DMs.

Vandal Savage, slide into those DMs. Vandal Savage, slide into my DMs. Can I just say real quick, Firestorm the Nuclear Man, you are not welcome in Helen's DMs. This is just for Vandal Savage. Because you're actually two guys fused together. She likes bad boys. I like bad boys that are stuck in quicksand. Not two guys fused together by nuclear power. The average person has over 130 online accounts.

And some, like Booster Gold, have over 150. I'm trying to pivot the vandal sandwich here. Oh, got it. If you could help me out on that. Sure. It's a caveman that lives forever. It's a caveman that lives forever. God, it's got to be depressing after a while.

Hot. Yeah, well, I mean, it's why you turned to crime. Yeah, fair enough. Got to keep that juice popping. Sure. Caveman juice. As they say back at Orbitz HQ. Sponsor us, please.

Reusing passwords is unsafe. Back to talking about passwords again. Reusing passwords is unsafe because if one website gets hacked, every other account is at risk. It's like reusing surgical dressings in that sense. You're not supposed to. Or socks. Yep. Throw away your socks after every use.

All socks are disposable. But trying to remember over 100 unique passwords can be a real brain buster. Oh, it's a fucking brain buster. That's where Dashlane comes in and remembers all your passwords, including all those annoying special characters, so you don't have to. And it can automatically generate super strong passwords that stores them in an ultra secure password vault that only you can unlock. Yeah, we're talking to you. What is his name again? Vandal Savage.

Vandal Savage. Not even a super criminal like that can get in. Vandal, you sure it's not a hair metal band? It should be. Yeah. If it is not, it also should be. Dashlane seamlessly autofills all your login information, syncing automatically across all your devices and even stores payment details. And can I just say something, Jordan?

Yes. Because I got some feedback on our last spot for Dashlane. Not from Dashlane, but from the Jordan Jesse Go fan community. Yeah. the Jordan Jesse Go fan community. A lot of people were worried last week if they need a new password because we didn't mention it, would Dashlane generate a real stumper for them? Don't worry. Dashlane is still generating real stumpers

across this great nation and around the world. It might not be in the copy this week, but rest assured. Look, you no longer do you have to Google that Nicolas Cage movie plus quicksand to generate a real stumper. Sure. Now you can just use Dashlane to do it.

Check out Dashlane.com slash JJGo to get Dashlane free on your first device as a special offer for Jordan, Jesse, and Go fans. They're even offering a 30-day free trial of Dashlane Premium, including VPM, dark web monitoring, and more. If you like it, use code JJGO at checkout to save 10% on your premium subscription. We're also brought to you in part this week by our friends at Arm & Hammer Cloud Control Cat Litter. Now, Jordan. Yes.

Let me ask you a question. Yes. You're tubing down the kern. Mighty Curve Kern Ribbon. I know about this. You're tubing down the kern. Mighty curve, kern, ribbon. I know about this. You're in that beautiful egg. You got that duck around your waist.

For an hour you're really struggling. Then you start to relax. Your mind starts to drift. You're thinking about, what's important to me? Is it some Hollywood bullshit or is it the things I really love? You're thinking about your mom.

You're thinking about your sister. You're thinking about your PlayStation 4. What else are you thinking about? I'm thinking about my cat, Jesse. My cat Bug. She's so cute. She's been a real godsend in this difficult time. Extra snuggly. She's been a real godsend in this difficult time.

Extra snuggly. Oh. She actually brought Jordan back to life after he died, like in the Halle Berry Catwoman. Heimlich maneuver? Yes, exactly. Yeah, I was choking on some cat food. What was that Batman Returns? Was it Nicole Kidman who gets brought back to life by the cat? Michelle Pfeiffer, I believe.

Michelle Pfeiffer, I mean. I've seen the Halle Berry Catwoman. I don't know if there's a revival situation. But it is Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns who gets brought back to life by the cat licking her? Michelle Pfeiffer, I believe. Michelle Pfeiffer, I mean. I have not seen the Halle Berry Catwoman. I don't know if there's a revival situation. But it is Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns who gets brought back to life by cat licking. And then she makes a PVC cat suit. Yeah. She looks great. She looks like a million dollars.

But there's one part of cat ownership that I'm not crazy about. It's cleaning up the litter box. That's where they pee and poo. Yeah. Cleaning up the litter box. Bugs litter box. That's where they pee and poo. Yeah. So this is, so here's why you're going to want to look into Arm & Hammer Cloud Control Cat Litter.

They created, Arm & Hammer created new Cloud Control Cat Litter. No cloud of nasties here. It's 100% dust free, free of heavy perfumes, which I hate. I actually don't love when cat litter is heavily scented. Yeah, you never know when it's going to give you the little red bumpies. Don't need bumpies. And it helps reduce airborne dander from scooping. So what happens in the litter box stays in the litter box.

Ooh, like quicksand. Like, yes, exactly. This is getting exciting. Yeah. I have actually tried this stuff, and it's great. Big thumbs up from me. If you're a cat owner, definitely get yourself some Arm & Hammer Cloud Control Cat Litter. New Cloud Control Cat Litter by Arm & Hammer.

More power to you. Is it? There's no, it's a period at the end of that. It says here, say it weird. Okay. So I did. Look, I'm the last person to question it. It says here, say it weird. Okay. So I did. Look, I'm the last person to question it. It says here, say it weird.

So I did. I didn't even notice that in the first one it said, bring up a caveman who lives forever. I sure did. I missed that completely in my read of the copy. But I'm glad you did. Thank you. Did you see Vandal Savage, by the way, opening for Rat in 87? No, I missed it.

Now that was a show. I was grounded. I was grounded. That talk about living forever, that's going to live forever in my heart, that show, Helen. Rat, R-A-T-T? Yeah, that's the one. Not to be confused with River Rat, J-O-R-D-A-N. Yeah, that's me.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. jessica it's jordan jessico i'm jesse thorn the itch man j Morris boy detective Helen Hong Helen Hong just brings the heat every time everybody knows that about Helen Hong consistent consistently great

Helen Hong she's she's not just it's not just punchlines it's hostiness she's outclassing us in every respect yeah

and efforts noises she brings the show to life Jordan In every respect. And efforts. Noises. She brings the show to life, Jordan. She brings the show to life. Yeah. You know what? Right now, let's do it.

We have the pantheon of great guests. Let's sell the show to Helen for 50 bucks. 50 bucks. Yeah, you got it. 50 bucks and it's yours, Helen. You can have the feed to do with whatever you want to. Are there taxes involved? This is the only thing standing between Jordan and show business.

If this wasn't here, I would be such a success. So with taxes, it's $55. Yeah. Yikes. We do have to collect sales tax on that. Wow. Yeah. Sorry.

Unless you have a resale number. If you have a resale number, we can – Think it over. Yeah. We're adding – you're in the pantheon of great guests. Thank you. You've been such a consistent delight in this show ever since you've been coming on. Yeah.

So – Well, you guys make me want to make better sound effects. Can I just say this, Jordan? Yes. Of course, we love the great Tawny Newsome. Mm-hmm. But when they asked me who should host that Star Trek podcast, I'll tell you, Jordan? Yes. Of course, we love the great Tawny Newsome. But when they asked me who should host that Star Trek podcast, I'll tell you who I told them. Helen Hong.

Helen Hong. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. They called me in for that. Did they really? Yes. Oh, shit, yeah. Thank you for that. That worked.

That worked. They called me in for it. And I went in and I thought I was delightful. What I didn't know is that it was being videotaped. Oh, wow. So I went in with my hair in a bun, not looking very TV friendly. Well, you should know when you're going in to talk about a podcast, you're going to want to look. Yeah.

I thought a podcast meant it was audio only. Well, congratulations to the great Tawny Newsome. She earned it. She's great. Just like Helen Hong is. She's fantastic. She got the CBS one? Yeah.

Oh, my God. She's great. Yeah, she's great. Is she a huge fan? Yeah, she loves Star Trek. I love it. Although, congratulations on having the same respect as every man on Twitter. What?

So are you a fan of it? Or have you seen the show? That was every person who tweeted at Tawny for about three months after that it was announced. We got telephone calls. Yeah, when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

Either way. Here's a call that Brian picked out. Brian's our producer. Let's listen to this call. Brian Fernandez. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Nick Adams. This is Noah from Salt Lake. Just thought I'd call to let you know today when I got off work,

I had to run by the store to grab some groceries. And I got like halfway through my trip when I realized there was a cell phone sitting in my car. So I picked it up. It didn't have a lock code on it. So I started kind of going through the text, and I just called some dude named Mark who they had been texting recently. Turns out it was a woman's boyfriend who had the phone. Talked to him, told him I'd leave the phone at customer service and that I'd give them her name so that he could or she could come and pick it up. And went about my day.

I was just walking my dog tonight, and I just found $30 on the ground. So I guess karma's real. Now I'm going to treat my girlfriend to two drinks tomorrow night. Thank you. He's breaking his normal one-drink rule. Yeah. Honey, have a second drink. Does he?

I don't know. So he found a cell phone in his car? How does that even happen? I know. It's like, yeah, whoever that was was trying to break into his car, it sounds like. Cart. His cart. Cart.

Oh, his cart. So she was just trying to steal his. This changes everything. Oh, okay. His groceries. His groceries. She was trying to steal his groceries. His groceries. She was trying to steal his celery. But we thought that she was trying to steal. So she could then pay for it.

Yeah. He had the last box of kind bars. Yeah, this changes everything. At first, I thought she was trying to steal his Pontiac. Oh, and was it a nice Pontiac, like maybe a Fiero? That's a little sports coupe. A nice sports coupe, like maybe a Fiero? That's a little sports coupe. A nice sports coupe, a Pontiac Fiero. That's driving excitement, Jordan.

I'm wondering about the caller and his girlfriend's drinking arrangement. So, I mean, again, you know, we're here in LA where nobody reads, and drinks are expensive. So, $15, I mean, that, I mean, $30, that is,

but I guess that's here's what i'm wondering i don't want this guy to be sitting idly by and watching his girlfriend drink but it sounds like maybe that's their arrangement well he didn't mention that her name is one drink wendy that's true one drink wendy but i mean it sounds like he wants her to be a two drink terry yeah i mean if he's just buying her well drinks. Yeah, that's true. It's not a big deal. They could have four well drinks between them for $30. Yes.

Easy. And, you know, you could still tip that bartender. Yeah, $6 a drink, right? Oh, yeah. $6 a drink, and the bartender's getting $1.50 a drink in tip. You just put that $30 down and say, can I have four well drinks, please? Four wells, please, for me and my special lady. I returned a phone recently.

Yeah. Bust out that pop-off. You know what? That sounds like a great... Yeah. Pop-off. Let's have the pop-off. Two pop-offs.

And maybe if he returns something else, he can upgrade to something kind of mid-shelf. Can I... Maybe George Clooney's tequila. Can I make a suggestion here? Yes. Helen? Yes. You recently bought a six-pack of White Claw.

White Claw knockoff. Not White Claw knockoff. What did that set you back? The White Claw knockoff set me back 12 bucks, I want to say. So just buy a sixer of Brown Claw. Yeah. It tasted like brown claw. Famous soiled white claw.

This is a little cloudy. Don't look at it before you drink it. It's just a scratch and dent situation. Cloudy claw. Don't pour it into a glass. Just drink it out of the can so you can't see it. They get the water for the white claw just a little bit further up the mountain. Yeah, exactly.

You know what I mean? A little closer to the source. You can get it from the river, not the lake. Yeah, exactly. I think that's pretty much what it is. Let's take one more call. Let's do one more telephone call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guest, probably John Hodgman.

This is listener Nick from Philadelphia, and I just called in to say that I just had my first threesome with my partner, Caitlin. Hello. And then we got back to my car. It's my super outback with a Grateful Dead sticker. And then we had some more sex, and we got real steamy

on the streets of Philadelphia, and it was a real nice time. Anyway, love the show. Thanks. Bye. Where's that third person? I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Until I hear that third person, I don't believe it. I know.

That voice popped out of nowhere, and then I wanted to hear another voice pop out of nowhere. Yeah. Hi. This, by the way, is the most fun verse from Bruce Springsteen's classic The Streets of Philadelphia. Right, yeah. Well, we got in my Outback and we steamed it up good. They were very chipper. They were.

They were a chipper couple. It was nice. It was nice to hear. It sounded like they had a great time. It was post-threesome chipperness. Yeah. The glow was apparent from the phone call. The post-sex glow.

I like the regional specificity. That was nice. You know what it made me think of? You know in Creed when they're riding those fucking ATVs? Oh, yeah, sure. And you're like, oh, fuck yeah. Philadelphia's fucking rules. Check out these fucking ATVs.

When you're having a threesome, you can eat a tasty cake off of your lovers. Yeah. It's like, oh, fuck yeah. Philadelphia's fucking rules. Check out these fucking ATVs. When you're having a threesome, you can eat a tasty cake off of your lovers. Blindfold your lovers. That's the John. Have them sample various tasty cakes. Ooh, it's the butterscotch one. Oh, yeah. That's the real Philadelphia sound. And then you cover them in mushrooms, onions, and cheese whiz.

Always with the cheese whiz. Always with the whiz. Can't skip the whiz. Whiz it up, baby. Yeah. Way to go. Congrats. I'm happy for them.

I'm happy for it. And I'm glad you had more. You had like a cherry on top of the threesome. Mm-hmm. Yeah, a little something extra. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Have you ever had, you're speaking of cherries on top of things. Mm-hmm. Yeah, a little something extra. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Have you ever had the kind, you're speaking of cherries on top of things.

Mm-hmm. Have you ever had the kind of cherry? You know how there's a maraschino cherry that you get at the grocery store that's bright red? Yes. And you can tie the stem with your tongue? Right, yeah. You can, yeah, sure. As long as there's a little quicksand around.

Yeah, sure. As long as there's a little quicksand around. Yeah. You can do it when you're on your way back from the Sound of Music sing-along, if you know what I mean. All things are a little loosey-goosey. Have you guys ever had the kind of cherry, the jar cherry, that you get at the fancy liquor store? Oh, sure, yeah. It's kind of brown and ugly. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit.

It's in a dark juice. That is the single best luxury upgrade product that exists in the world. From Maraschino Cherry to that. From Maraschino Cherry to that. The widest gap. One time our friend Ben Harrison from The Greatest Generation, speaking of Star Trek, Ben Harrison one time, he says, you got to try these fancy cherries. I'm like, I don't need fancy cherries.

I'm happy. Look, I'm a simple man. I'm happy with those bright red cherries, I said to him. He fed me one of these fucking cherries. Oh, my God. The universe opened up. Luxardo. Luxardo. Now my youngest child is named Luxardo.

I went ahead and named him Luxardo. This is to defeat Vandal Savage. The most remarkable product. You know, the distance between a maraschino cherry and those fancy cherries is bigger than an olive in a blue cheese stuffed olive. Yeah, absolutely. It's just way more. It's an way more. It is. Look. It's an expanse.

It's wider than the distance between one of those canned black olives that are made for putting on the tips of your fingers and going, and the fucking olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods. That distance is nothing compared to the distance between the red cherry from Smart and Final and the brown cherry from the fancy liquor store. I don't love the residue of those fancy cherries. They're good, but I feel like I want one and then no more. Oh.

They're too thick. They leave a thick trail. Wow. You know what I like to do? I'll drizzle that right on my ice cream. Drizzle, drizzle. Okay. Well. No, agree to disagree. You can drizzle that right on my ice cream. Drizzle, drizzle. Okay. Well.

Agree to disagree. You can drizzle whatever you want to. Okay. Thank you, Jordan. I'll only be involved if there's quicksand. No. Okay. So we each.

That's reasonable. Everyone draws the line in a different place. We all listen. You feel it's a little unctuous? Yeah. You feel there should be quicksand involved? If there's quicksand, I will just dunk that whole jar onto my ta-tas. I'm all in on the cherries.

Yes. Your ta-tas are your own. Right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Courtney Enloe. I'm Brent Black, and we're the hosts of Trends Like These. Trends Like These is an internet news show where we take the stories trending on social media and go beyond the headlines. We'll give you the actual facts of the story and not just the knee-jerk reactions.

Plus, we end every episode with a ray of hope that we call the Y5 of the week. So join us every Friday on Maximum Fun. Or wherever you get your podcasts. Trends like these. Real-life friends talking internet trends. Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes. Go ahead, caller. Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful, but also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of. Yeah, man, sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks.

Yeah, man, it sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks. Every week, myself and I'm Morgan Rhodes, and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talk to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives. Guests like Moby, Open Mic Eagle, talk about albums by Prince, Joni Mitchell, and so much more. Yo, what's that show called again? Heat Rocks, deep dives into hot Records. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm the Itch Man, Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

Helen Hong. If you love Helen Hong as much as I do, I've got some advice for you. I'm looking at you, Jordan, but I'm speaking to the universal you. Okay. Everyone within the sound of my voice. Yes, you're speaking to my third eye. All of you. I wondered why it smelled like Nag Champa in here.

Yeah. Tasty, bro. If you're as big a fan of Helen Hong as we are, first of all, no matter where you live, Go Fact Yourself is available to you. Helen is the co-host of this program. She brings the juice just like this every week. I'm talking about hostiness. I'm talking about wit and punchlines. And I'm talking about delightful nerd stuff she knows.

The juice. Yeah. Yeah. Go Fact Yourself is such a fun show. Thank you. Definitely. If you are out there and you are not already subscribed to it, you have so many wonderful episodes to catch up on. It really is a delight.

And I learn something new every episode. And you will, too. Can I recommend an episode to catch up on. It really is a delight. And I learn something new every episode. And you will, too. Can I recommend an episode to catch up on? Sure. How about the one with Mr. Jordan Morris, the river rat himself? Oh, that was a really fun ep. Wherein we learn about his obsession with things that are sunk into quicksand. Yeah.

Well, a tar is a kind of a sinking ground. It's a similar thing. La Brea Tar Pits was your exit. On the show, a celebrity such as Jordan Morris comes on with a few things that they are a nerd about, and then Helen and J. Keith Van Straten make them look foolish by asking them trivia questions about that thing that they are a nerd about.

Yeah, it's a blast. And if you ever get a chance to see the show live, I would go to see it. I go to their live tapings frequently, and I always have a goddamn blast. So listen to the show or go see it live if you can. We've also got Helen coming up along with friend of Jordan Jesse Gohm, Mr. Robert Corddry, on the new CBS sitcom The Unicorn. She's on episode two. Yep.

Tune in for that. She'll get the JJ Go bounce and the JJ Go bonus in her CBS contract. With the delightful Walton Goggins. Goggins. Goggins. Oh, yeah. The most intense sitcom star of all time. Intense and terrifying.

Goggins. And, of course, if you're in Fort Worth, Texas, of course. This almost goes without saying. Natch. If you're in Fort Worth, Texas, Helen Hong headed out there to Hyena's in October in Fort Worth. Can I just say something? If you're in Fort Worth, if you're in Dallas,

fuck it, if you're in Fort Worth, if you're in Dallas, fuck it. If you're in fucking Houston and you don't get out to Hyena's to see Helen Hong, you know where you're headed? Yeah. Jesse's shit list. That's where, along with old-fashioned bright red maraschino cherries, you are getting crossed the fuck out. You're on blast, Beaumont. Pow, pow. Get out, Beaumont. Come on, Beaumont. Pow, pow. Get out, Beaumont.

Come on, Beaumont. Plano. Come on, Plano. Where you at, Waco, Texas? You Texans brag about how it's no big deal to drive really far. Well, I'm not sure 100% where Port Arthur, Texas is, but it's probably within driving distance of hyenas. My aunt lived there briefly. Yeah.

Back when she was working on the rig. Yeah, she was working on the rig. That was my aunt. Awesome. My aunt works in refineries. Wow. Yeah. Bun B from UGK is from Port Arthur, Texas.

Yeah. PAT. Wow. There you go. So I think we just made your weekend. Thank you. I think you're getting that Jordan Jesse Go bump and that Jordan Jesse Go bonus in your hyenas contract. Yeah, hyenas.

We're doing it. I'm getting some quicksand. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. He's the one whose voice penetrates the recording box with sheer enthusiasm. It's real, folks. He's for real. He's 100% for real. We've known him for a long time, Jordan.

We think this is just what he's like. It's hard to say. We never ask him about himself. That's fair. Maximumfun.reddit.com is where you can go to chat about the show on Reddit. We're also on Facebook. There's a Maximum Fun group, and you can

like Jordan,esseGo. I just posted something fun. It'd be more helpful and more motivating if I could tell you what it was that I posted that was fun, but something cool that I saw. A lot of fun stuff out there. Yeah, we like to, if our guests are up to stuff or if our,

you know, if somebody on the show has, who's been on the show has something going on, we like to post it in there. Stuff related to the episode. It's a fun place to hang out. Did you see, Jordan, that we got mentioned in a Fast Company article? No. Yeah, we got a little mention in a Fast Company article.

Thanks to Fast Company for throwing it. It was about a super fan of Comedy Bang Bang. Cool. So, you know, that's fine. That's fine. But maybe next time write that article about Lothreeper. You know what I mean? Sure. Where's the Lothreeper articles?

Let's make them happen, Fast Company Magazine. How about this? Can I make a suggestion? 50 most influential Lothreepers in business. I mean, I should hope he'd make it on there. He's number 42, which is weird. Well, he makes the list. He made the list.

It's weird that he got- Nobody pays attention to where you are in the list. They like that you're on it. 14 is Elon Musk. Well- I didn't even know he was a Lothreeper. Dude's got some ideas. Yeah.

The guy's full of ideas. A Lothreeper should invent a flamethrower if you want to get higher up a most is all I'm saying. Or at least a thing that digs tunnels slightly worse than the regular way of digging tunnels. Smokes the gange with Rogan. Plays in the gange. God, we've got to get on Rogan. I'm okay. If only we were assholes.

I'm okay not being on drugs okay that's it we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go MaximumFun.org Comedy and Culture Artist Owned Audience Supported