Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 604: Raccoon Eviction with Alison Rosen

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

Alison Rosen (Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's run-in with a chatty squirrel in his yard and what squirrels at large may do to extract their revenge on his life, the complicated process Alison had to go through to evict a family of raccoons from her house, and how Jordan's meditative potato chip eating practice might kill him.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan? Yes. Earlier today, this squirrel was fucking with me. My God.

So you killed him, right? Well, here's the thing. Oh, you didn't kill him? He's going to tell all his buddies. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yep, you're out. But I thought, so here's the scenario. Okay.

I mean, if the scenario, I don't know what you could tell me that would make me optimistic for your future. Because you know the squirrels. They're chatty. Yeah. And if one fucks with you without getting killed, well, basically all of squirreldom knows it. But here's the thing, Jordan. Yes.

So this is what went down. Outside my home, Mount Washington, Los Angeles, California. What's the zip code there? 90065. Great zip code. Yeah. Great zip. Yeah.

So there is a set of power lines that run immediately in front of my house. There are no sidewalks on my street. As I've said before on the program, I live on a weird semi-dirt street in the city of Los Angeles. So there's power lines that go outside the front of my house. These power lines, to me, I think of them primarily

as the place where the birds that shit on my car stand. Not as the things that power your house? No, because probably they're just delivering, you know, my neighbor's NBA season pass or whatever. I don't even know if these things have electricity in them. That's an important job. Yeah.

It is important. Yeah. Watch all 81 games of your favorite team's season. So. Or so. I don't know how many games are in an NBA season. But and, you know, neighbors gotta watch basketball. Birds gotta shit.

Yeah. So, those power lines are serving a purpose. Yeah, there's a reason they have a cloaca. Exactly. And it's not just sex. Do you want those birds to fill with shit? Or do you want them to

release the shit at some sort of family function? I just imagine one of those tipping drinking birds, but it tips when it fills with shit and then when it goes down, the shit comes out its beak and then it goes back up. Yeah, that would be what would be

happening to local birds were they not to shit on atop your power line. Anyway, it's a circle of life, Jesse. Have you not seen the Lion King or the Lion King remake? There's a squirrel up there. Yes. And I don't know

what he's doing because it's not a tree. Is he shitting? Let me put it this way, Jordan. If this squirrel thinks he's going to find a nut on this fucking power pole, he's got another thing coming. Yeah, that's a little goofy. I mean, already I'm on, listen, when you started the story,

I was on the squirrel side. But if this guy's up there looking for nuts, that's nuts. That's nuts. Sorry. Yeah. So he's up there, and this asshole is talking shit

like he was Michael Jordan playing Reggie Miller in the NBA playoffs. Man, yeah, that's some serious shit. A continuous stream of whatever the fuck noises these little assholes make. I mean, as chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, whatever the fuck noise is these little assholes make. Well, I mean, as soon as he started that, you should have killed him. So

I don't have like a lineman's garb. You know what I mean? I don't have the strap. I don't have the ropes. Hurl something. You got shit in your pockets or stuff on the ropes. Hurl something. You got shit in your pockets or stuff on the ground?

Start hurling. So this is what I did, Jordan. Knock him to the ground. Because, Jordan, you're portraying a picture of me. It's stop on his head. You're portraying a picture of me as weak and ineffectual. And while that's not untrue in a general case, it's a very fair characterization of me generally. In this case, I gave this squirrel the business.

He's chittering at me. Right. And I'm like, I look up at the squirrel and I said, out loud, what the fuck, squirrel? Yes. Well, okay. Well, maybe I spoke too soon. It sounds like you asserted yourself.

So I looked. The squirrel's still chittering at me. Right. I looked him in the fucking eyes. I said, come get it, asshole. And? He shut the fuck up. Well, did he shut the...

Well, okay. Do you think you won the... I mean, I know squirrels. Yeah. Sorry, I do. It's an interest of mine. And, you know, I think maybe... Are you more into reds or grays?

I mean, all the colors of the rainbow. Sure. Bring me a purple squirrel for all I care. Yeah. Show me those bushies. As long as they've got a bushy. A nice, fat, natural bushy. A nice, yes,

a big, natural bush. Like them natural. And hey, you know what? But purple. If they want to... Natural, but purple. If the squirrel wants to enhance their appearance with a little...ance, silicon bushy, if you will, I'm not going to shame them.

If they feel like they look better in a swimsuit, I say go for it. They got to go to a good veterinarian. Don't cheap out on that. No. Yeah. Just run across the power line all the way to the good veterinarian. Don't cheap out on that. No. Yeah. Just run across the power line all the way to Beverly Hills. Yeah. Whoever does Renee Zellweger's squirrels.

But yeah, he told all his buddies that you wimped out and they're probably going to descend on your house. I fucking intimidated him. When you return to your home today. He're probably going to descend on your house. I think maybe when you fucking intimidated him, when you return to your home today, we're going to fuck with me again. Well, I gave him the, I gave him the fucking, uh,

Dave Stewart from the Oakland athletics, not from, not from the Eurythmics death stare. I think when you return home today, squirrels will have invaded your home. And, um, um,

I think they may be married to your wife. A pile of squirrel they may be married to your wife. A pile of squirrels will be married to your wife. There will be divorce papers. Yeah. Can I be honest? Yeah. It's fine as long as they take one of my kids. I want to keep at least two,

but just take one of them. I don't need all three. I think the squirrels have, now have custody. You'll probably get a once a month visitation. Yeah, that's fine. And they're going to call the pile of squirrels have custody. You'll probably get a once-a-month visitation. Yeah, that's fine. And they're going to call the pile of squirrels daddy. Well, you know.

He's the one that bought them the goddamn Nintendo. That's true. Let's them stay up. Have ice cream for dinner. Aw, jeez. Sorry, man. You're going to have to get yourself a condo somewhere. That might not be so bad.

There might be a hot tub. There might be a hot tub. That would be great. If I had just a little cooktop, a refrigerator, maybe even the kind of refrigerator where the freezer's on the bottom. That's nice, yeah. And the hot tub. And, like, unlimited bean burritos. It seems like you're pretty stoked about your new life.

See, sometimes it pays to be a coward. You get a cool condo out of the deal. You get to pawn your kids off on a pile of squirrels. Right. Who will treat your wife very well. I hope so. I hope. You see, the thing is. In this scenario, the squirrels are in a man-shaped pile.

I forgot to mention that. You You see, the thing is. In this scenario, the squirrels are in a man-shaped pile. I forgot to mention that. You know what's important? Is it these fucking squirrels. The thing that they understand is you got to put away a little something for a rainy day, you know? Right. Yes. That's what. I'm out here spending it as quick as I make it.

And these squirrels are responsible. They're investing in Bitcoin. That's why they deserve my wife. Right. They deserve to be married to my wife, to make an emotional commitment, a lifelong commitment to my beautiful wife, Teresa Thorne. Well, Teresa Squirrel now. The squirrel's last name is Squirrel, by the way. Our guest on this week's program is the host of the podcast, Allison Rosen is your new best friend.

She's also the host of the relatively new, I'm not going to say all the way new, newish. Newish, exactly. Parenting podcast, Childish, alongside our old friend Grapefruit Simmons, comedian Grapefruit Simmons, Allison Rosen is our guest. Hello. I already have so many things to say. Great. Let's do it because we're done. It's all you now. Take a seat, guys. Honestly, we were kind of done with that two minutes in.

I just put the meat thermometer in and this goose is cooked. That's right. Now, in your sad dad divorce apartment where you have somehow – Allison, it's a condo. Oh, sorry. It's a condo. He's doing all right. Is he own? Well, I mean, it depends on – I mean, here's the thing. You buy the condo, but then you got to pay the association fee.

Right. Exactly. Maybe it makes a little more sense to rent or lease. I'm thinking about running for a condo board. Oh, you should. They like you there. They really do. They love when you sit out back and forth.

You can get the gym hours extended. It's like I feel like I am living with friends, but at the same time I have my own space because there's a lot of other cool guys in the complex that I like to hang out with. We talk about, we go to the U2 concert together. That's nice. It's really fun. Yeah. You guys actually liked getting that U2 album for free, right? Oh, loved it.

I was like, can I get an REM album as well? Keep them coming. Here's what I want to know though. In your condo, excuse me, where you for some reason have like a really nice refrigerator with a freezer on the bottom, are you – It has all stainless steel appliances. Yes. But continue.

Are you sleeping on a futon or an actual bed? It's a Murphy bed. So it's a small – it's not a big space. But it does have high ceilings. Okay. So that gives you a sense of, but it is tough when a lady comes over or a pile of chipmunks and I have to pull down the Murphy bed just so there's somewhere where two people can sit.

Because normally it's just my, of course I have a flat screen. Of course. Got my flat screen. Yeah. I don't know if you have one of these. If you're on CRT still, if you're still cathode ray tube. Yes, a tube television.

It's very heavy. Is it a TVVCR combo? Yes, it is. That's really efficient. Yeah, and then I've also got a Discman alarm clock combo. I only have combo appliances. It's two things or it's no things. That's right. It's a hairbrush

and a hair dryer. Those are the three things I have. Just those three, but I've paired But you're doing well. You're a professional podcaster. Owner of three items. Doing your thing. But six. Oh, that's right. Technically six items. Technically six items.

So, yeah. So in that place, I do have the Murphy bed, but I also have the one chair. I've got the flat screen and I have the, not to brag, but VHS DVD combo deck. Nice. You also have that. Yeah. So now is it embarrassing when you guys both get up and the bed just snaps back to the wall? Well, I usually ask some of the chipmunks to stay on the bed. Just enough to keep it anchored.

Enough to keep it anchored, yeah. This is a real good for the goose, good for the gander kind of like she's going to go for the squirrels. You're going for chipmunks. I should mention when I have a group of geese over, I did get in my condo, Jordan. I did get in my condo, Jordan. I don't know if you have one of these, but I got one of those analog to digital antenna converters. Oh, so you can get all the local channels. You love your local channels. I love those local channels.

If there's one thing I always say about this guy, a lot of people ask me, like, what's it like working with Justin Theroux? Oh, yeah. What's he really like? You know, how did it get started like working with Jesse Thorne? What's he really like? You know, how did it get started? How did he get started? What's he like? I mean, you can barely get down the street without being peppered with those questions. I mean, it happens more than you'd think.

And the first thing I say, working with Jesse, he loves his local channels. Hello. Gotta go. Mom is on. Sure. And then it rolls straight into Mama's Family. It's called the mom block. The mommy block of television.

Can I ask you guys a question? I was just thinking about Mama's Family. I know that was a real show. Right. But what was it? Yes. Good question. I watched a lot of it.

It spun off of the Carol Burnett show. Did it? Yes. Good question. I watched a lot of it. It spun off of the Carol Burnett show. Did it? Really? So Vicki Lawrence played Mama, and it was a sketch that they did on the Carol Burnett show. And then they turned it into a show. And best I can tell, it was just a real white, trashy family. Now, Vicki Lawrence is a – I don't mean to be rude. Younger than she was not mama's age,

but she's a, she's a lady. Yes. For some reason, I think I always thought it was, I always thought it was a drag and drag. I thought it was a drag. Thinking of Dame Edna.

Okay. So around the same time, those two things were possums comes over to my house. That's what she calls her audience. Um, she was a were. Speaking of which, when a group of possums comes over to my house, that's what she calls her audience. She was a gal. So it was, but she was not an old lady. Correct. So she was wearing, she was still wearing like fake old ladies stuff.

It was age drag. It did look like, it did look like a live on stage sketch comedy type outfit that she wore you know like something you would wear on the gong show or whatever right that makes a ton of sense but was it ever on network television was it just on after in the in the interregnum between like when out of this world and right. Yeah. And yeah, right. Like, was it only ever in syndication? Um, I, I don't, I believe it was,

but I don't know for sure. Did they make those, you know, those sitcoms that they were going to make a hundred episodes of? Like there was one that had, uh, what's his face from, uh,

two and a half men. Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah. So I think, right. So for a while,

it was anger management. It was anger management. Uh, yeah so i think right so for a while it was anger management it was anger management uh yeah i think for a hot second there was a new tv model where they were going to film 100 episodes of something you know as back to back as they could to you know put it into syndication immediately and i think it only worked for tyler perry i think tyler perry did it to some success and then but no one one else did. So yeah, there was the – Was Just Shoot Me one of those? I don't think so. I think that was Must See TV.

I think that was like maybe the death throes of Must See TV. Is Tyler Perry technically a Mama's Family reboot? Oh, I don't know. Yeah. We'll have to – I mean the Tyler Perry Mama's Family shared universe is a complicated continuity. And that's what he calls it. Tyler Perry's Mama's Family. Tyler Perry's Mama's Family Shared Universe is a complicated continuity. And that's what he calls it. Tyler Perry's Mama's Family. Tyler Perry's Mama's Family.

Yeah, he decided to go crazy with the impossible. Once Medea collected all the Infinity Stones, she could break reality and open up a portal to the Mama's Family Universe. The other thing I want to say, and I know I feel as a professional podcaster myself who owns three slash six items, I feel that we have moved on and I'm dragging us back to Squirrelville. We don't have any material or talent per se. I am grateful to have you here. If we need it, we can save this for another time.

If we need it, I have kind of a medium interesting story about being offered cocaine but yeah and i also want to mention when i say that we don't have any material or talent per se podcasting material jordan is a very talented comedy writer yeah yes i'm um you're great at crafting a beard my first thought is six three that's a good height it's a song you don't usually hit your head on stuff but you're taller than almost everybody. Sure. I would have guessed you were even taller than that. I might be 6'4".

I'm in the middle. I'm in the 6'3", 6'4", range. Is that in the interregnum? Yeah. Because I did make note of that word. Yeah. You're almost as tall as Vicky from Small Wonder. Yeah, exactly.

I want to hear this cocaine story, but let me just get this out so that I can move on. Oh, right. Yes. We can go back to the squirrels. The cocaine story is not that good. I like the idea of Jesse running for condo board, et cetera, because he's been cuckolded by the man-shaped squirrels. But during the whole story, I was – and I'm sorry.

It's good because we spent weeks working on that idea. You worked up to it. It's good. If you had come in here and said that that was a no-go, that's fucking six weeks of our lives down the garbage dump. Well, I don't know how you're going to feel about what I had to say. I'm with Jesse. I'm sorry, Jordan. No, that's okay.

You've come on my show a lot. Yeah. I feel your family. Thank you. Did you know that? I didn't know that until right now. No. Yeah. I feel your family. Thank you. Did you know that? I didn't know that until right now. No. Turns out I feel your family.

Cool. But I think- Can we go to an Olive Garden together? Because that's- Yes. Because when we're there, we're us. When we're there, we're us. Yes.

When we're there, we're Allison and Jordan. The only place where I can be myself. Yes. With you. Yes. It's an Olive Garden. Let's go to an Olive Garden and let's get into it. Yeah.

Let's get into it. Ooh, yeah. Before the second helping of salad comes. It's an Olive Garden. Let's go to an Olive Garden and let's get into it. Yeah. Let's get into it. Ooh, yeah. Before the second helping of salad comes. That's right. The bottomless salad. The bottomless salad. We've got to get more salad. Endless breadsticks, bottomless salad.

And then we can talk about our other family members. Yeah. Who wants more breadsticks? Have you had the Olive Garden breadsticks? Pretty good. Yeah. I mean, it's like, they are that thing. And I don't have a lot of affinity for the Olive Garden. I've been to it a few times

and my mom's hospital threw her retirement party at the Olive Garden. So I've been to an Olive Garden recently and we had a great time. Olive Garden was my high school play after show hangout spot. Oh, nice. Stonestown Mall, baby. Do they stay open late? I guess the one in the Stonestown Mall did. Sure.

And the Olive Garden breadsticks, I would say, are, you know, they're pretty good, but they definitely have that chemical food quality where you are compelled to keep eating them. Oh, yeah. And I think they know that and I think that's what the unlimited promotion kind of plays into that. And I think you know that they will just keep coming as fast as you can eat them. And, yeah, they just – they draw you – There's some kind of like – and by the way, I haven't been to an olive garden in like probably 20 years. Yeah. And I'm bragging. But there's some kind of like tangy salt on them, right?

There is a tangy salt, yeah. It's a melange, and it's particular, and it's compelling, I would say. I would not say it's a delicious food. It's a compelling food. But our high school theater group, we went to the Olive Garden because we were conducting a series of experiments on the question, how few people in a group of restaurant patrons must order food before you are expelled from a restaurant? Oh, what did you learn? So, you know, you would start, you'd have a group of, let's say, eight. You start your first time out, seven people are buying an entree. Right.

You know what I mean? And everybody's eating, you know. Sure. Next time out, what if we do five? What if five people? I think we got to the point where we had three people ordering actual food and maybe one or two people ordering an appetizer in a group of eight or nine. Did they leave the place settings for the other people or did they do the like, we know what you're up to. I'm confiscating the forks.

Well, they only had so many forks. They had to do what they had to do. Someone needed the fork. Yeah. Oh, did you have a did you have a criticism about the squirrel thing? Not a criticism. It's just a just a difference of opinion. difference of opinion than you, Jordan, my brother. Oh, wow.

I thought maybe we had a cousin thing going on. Oh, no. I'll take it. I'll take sibling. We have the same parents. I think that Jesse won the standoff with the squirrel because he got the squirrel to pipe down. Yeah. That's how I left it feeling.

I left it feeling like a fucking champ. But I guess Jordan feels like unless you killed the squirrel, you're done for because squirrels are so like dog eat dog. Well, I mean, they have, listen, they have a complicated social structure and they work as a collective. Yeah. They can pile themselves into any shape. Like ants or the Borg.

A man, a fist, a wave. And, I mean, I think if a squirrel knows. A lot of people don't know this, Allison. I don't think I know it. But, Tavadish Stalin, the brutal dictator of the USSR, was actually a group of squirrels working collectively. That's why he was so committed to communism. I didn't know this. It's true.

But it checks out. Do you know – you kind of – I mean you don't have a brand new house but you're in a new place, a new area. Like my newish podcast, It's Newish. Yes. Yeah. Do you – is there – and you move from kind of around my zone of West Hollywood, 9-0-0-4-8, for talking zip codes. That's a solid code. And you know.

We were 9-0-0-3-6. Oh, interesting. Less solid. I see why you laugh. Sure. Yeah. Jesse loves his local channels, and I love my zip codes. Give me more zips.

Zips and chans. Zips and chans. You know what they say, Jordan? Zip code jokes get you zip code work. That's true. I would love a little zip code work at this point. I'm Zip. Honestly.

I'm Zip, the U.S. Postal Service's zip code mascot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That guy was fun. Do you still have him? I don't know. I'd love for them to still have him. My sister, before she could really speak well, referred to him as Mr. Zip Toes.

Cute. Mr. Zip Toes. Awesome. But you are now in Burbank, beautiful Burbank. Do you want the zip? Let's hear the zip. 9-1-5-0-5. Whoa!

What are you, Johnny Carson? That's a code. Hello, Burbank, California. That's a code. Return address. Yeah. Thank you. Yes.

What's the wildlife like? Do you have, because you have a yard. Do you have squirrels, critters, critters? I want everyone to know. Yes. There was no pre-interview. You're not teeing up a story. No. You just happened to land on one.

Wow. Yeah. People listen to this show. They know we don't prepare for it or work on it at all. What's going on? We had a family of raccoons living under our house. Whoa. We had rats in our attic.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. One of them essentially committed suicide on Daniel's watch. So let me see if I can make this. Daniel, your husband. Yes. When I said that you landed on a story, I didn't mean a good story or one that's succinct. So let me see if I can just tighten this up.

Were these rats, just to clarify, standard rats or like a nim type rat? Oh. Are we talking about – What is a nim type rat? You know what I'm talking about, Jordan. A nim type rat. I know the secret to nim, but – Yeah, kind of a – Super intelligent.

A fantasy magic rat? It's like a hyper intelligent building electronics, incredible underground world type rat. I think they're that kind. Yeah. I didn't have a chance to really like get into trivia with them. But my sense is that they're that kind. Wait. So how does one commit suicide? OK.

So we had our furnace in a closet in the living room. And when we were looking at the house, I thought that seems very unsafe. I feel like that is not a place that the furnace should be. I'm imagining one of those 1930s iron bar furnaces where you, like, open it and, like, flames belch out. Is that the right kind? Yes. Okay. Yeah. The house was built then.

The furnace had been replaced since then, and we knew we were going to have to get a new furnace anyway. But I said, I don't think it should be in this room where this door is going to get really hot and flames are going to belch out. Especially because that's where you keep all your goddamn coal. That's right. That's right. And just two sticks right next to each other.

Which, you know. So everyone was like, no, it's fine. Your kids fucking love rubbing shit together. It is a very dicey situation. They've inherited the whittling gene. So anyway, this doesn't have to do with animals, so I will wrap this part up.

Everyone kept saying, no, it's fine. It's fine for it to be there. It's fine. When we had the house inspection, the guy was like, yeah, your furnace shouldn't be there. So I was right. That's the point of that story. Anyway. Congratulations on being right, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you. Move the furnace to the attic. However, this closet the furnace used to be in opens up to the attic, and we have plans to finish it out and turn it into something useful, but we just haven't yet. Wait. The closet opens up to the attic. What does that mean? It means that you open up the closet, and it's not a closet like where you put clothes or shoes or your hot plate or what have you.

Right. So it's not a closet in any meaningful way. Those are the main things. Outside of making out when you're 13. It, this would be a good closet for making out though if you don't mind the fact that you stare up and it's just the attic is above you. It's an unfinished box that has a door on it. Got it. So you open it up and, yeah, it's just not finished. Are there stairs up to the attic there?

No, it's just not finished. Are there stairs up to the attic there? No, it's just... It's just... It's just a part of your house that they put a door to that they just didn't account for in the planning of the house. It's just some extra unfinished room on the main floor of the house with a door to the living room. It's like if I had a colostomy bag, but no bag. There's just a shunt from our house to the attic. Normally we don't think about it much. This is a home shunt.

Yeah. I watch this old house. I know about shunts. We've got our modem in there. Oh, cool. Let me ask you this. How's your wireless coverage? It's not bad.

Cool. Yeah. Get one of those mesh? It's not bad. Cool. Yeah. Get one of those mesh units. That's a nice unit. So anyway, there was a horrendous smell coming from our house at one point. And this is the precursor to the house shunt. There's a horrendous smell. I have two little kids, so it made sense to me.

You just figured it was deities. A diaper. Sure. Like how did a diaper get this far away from their room? I don't know. A diety may be a throw-up? No. Do kids secretly throw up?

Or do you always know? Are your kids always scratching up the sofa? They are. I had to put scotch tape all over it. You got to get them one of those baby posts. Yeah. Yeah. Or just, you know, you got to clip their nails regularly.

Yeah. If they're scratching up the couch, it means they're uncomfortable. Right. Do you have those little nail covers for Bug? No. I mean, I just have – she just ruined the couch. I just have a ruined couch. Okay.

So, yeah. So I did not think barf. I thought poop. That's what the smell smelled like. Daniel and I both separately checked the guest bathroom tank to see if someone had done a double-decker on our house. That's how bad the smell was. Just in case. That's how bad the smell was.

That's my caliber of gas. Did you have any prankster frat boys over? I don't. It didn't make sense, but the scent was... That's funny that you both went to that. That's how strong... Bad news. 20-year-old Jimmy Kimmel came over yesterday. That's how strong the smell was. 20-year-old Jimmy Kimmel came over yesterday. That's how strong the smell was.

We're like, what's going on? So then finally we realized, oh, it's a rat. So we had someone come over who found a rat in a trap in the attic. I hadn't even known we had traps. And then also a dead rat in our front yard, which felt like a warning. Sure. And then raccoons. So we got all of- Do you think there was a territory conflict and the raccoons won?

It might have been. It might have been. So then we had to get the raccoons evicted, which the way you – it was a family of raccoons. You can't – let's say there was a mom raccoon and baby raccoons in your house or your condo or whatever. How would you think to get rid of them? Because I did a lot of research. It's not what you think. Just have bad trash.

Because if there's one thing I know is that raccoons love trash. And if you start just making your trash boring, you know, a lot of newspaper, business papers, you know, toner, historical novels, just boring things. Right. They're like, fuck this. Yeah, I actually I had raccoons in my basement what i did was i went on amazon i bought all of newt gingrich's civil war novels and just shoved them down the old trash chute it's smart you got that took care of it well

i thought inside the box i should have followed your lead i thought inside the box. I should have followed your lead. I thought inside the box. I called up this company. They have something called Raccoon Eviction. They perform a raccoon eviction, which sounds like witchcraft. They do two things. Jordan, I'm a homeowner as well, so I can explain this to you. First of all, they work with raccoons. Second of all, if your goddamn teenager is out of line, they'll come in the middle of the night, throw a bag over his head, put him in a van, and take him to American Samoa to straighten him out. Right.

Apparently that's something that happens. Here's two peanuts. I'm taking your shoelaces. I'll come back in three weeks. Good luck. Yeah. My plan here, Jordan, is if I allude to that every week, eventually I will be able to gaslight everyone in the Jordan Jesse Go audience into thinking that that's a common reference point. Everybody knows about that time that happened to Earl Sweatshirt.

Okay, go ahead. Did I stumble into a bit? I think so. Bit seems strong. Bit's generous. It's something that happened to one rapper, and I think Jesse has been generally referring to it like it's an epidemic. It probably happened to some teens that went on the Montel show. Yeah, sure.

It seems like something you could get on Maury with. Yeah. So you called extraction specialists. Now, ordinarily, this is a high-powered team of international super soldiers who will get Tom Cruise out of anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. They exclusively work on Tom Cruise.

Yeah. And my raccoons. But Tom Cruise actually washes his food before he eats it. So that's the way in which raccoons and Tom Cruise are similar. The only difference. Allison was like, hello, is this the extraction specialist? I found your ad in the back of – Penny Saver.

I was going to say Soldier of Fortune. Oh. Yeah. We could go either direction with it. Penny Saver is fun. Same diff. Yeah. Both are comic exaggerations.

Hi. Yeah. This is Al. I'm wondering if you could extract some raccoons from my house. And then they say, we're sorry, ma'am. We only work with high value government super spies. That's right. And then you said, well, I was voted New York's funniest reporter. In 2008. And they were like, yeah, we'll be there.

They said done. I know. And I was like. We'll be there. Rosen, yeah, we'll be there. They said done. I know. And I was like. Rosen, yeah, we'll be there. Yeah. I hate tossing it around just to like grease. But sometimes. Sometimes you have to. Sometimes you have to do it. They're not looking at your CV.

Now, if they were, they'd see it right there across the top in 48 point type. As my manager said to like a 13 year old me when I wanted to be a child actress, you gotta go in there and you gotta sell your typewriter. Yeah. Literally. And you've been selling your typewriter ever since. So anyway, they use something called raccoon eviction fluid, which is Wait, raccoon eviction fluid?

For real. Which is made from it's like pheromones from a male raccoon. Okay. And they spray it everywhere because male raccoons will kill the babies, will kill babies that aren't their own. Okay. So the mother raccoon smells it and is like, oh, fuck, there's another dude raccoon here.

We got to get these babies out of here. That's right. That's right. That is exactly it. We got to get these babies out of here. That's right. That's right. That is exactly it. And it sounds like bullshit, but it's actually true.

And it smells so bad. Wow. I mean, I wanted to get my babies and get out of there. It worked on me, too. It's like someone left a wheel of cheese in a barn. It was the most gamey animal smell ever. It was so intense. But it worked.

They were gone. So then we thought our problems were over. Because a raccoon in your house. I know this from our friend John Hodgman in his most recent book. Raccoon in the House. Raccoon in the House. The story of Coon Hodgman. In the house, the story of Coon Hodgman, their poops carry deadly diseases.

So if they poop somewhere, you can't clean it up. You literally have to call toxic waste people to clean it up. It's like asbestos. It will kill you. Raccoons. What? They got opposable thumbs on the little ones. They're so cute. It's cute and they wash their food.

They're so cute. They are very cute. I definitely love the like. Yeah. I would love to see a raccoon. Although maybe it's scary if you see it in, you know, in IRL. I never got to see them. They were gone before I personally had a chance to see them.

Jordan sees them a lot because they're in his trash can. They're like, oh, this looks good. This is nice trash. What's this? The new short story collection by the author of Swamplandia? That's true. I'm going to love this. And I love throwing away a book after I read it.

I read a book and I'm like, all right. Into the trash with you. Good trash. That's the point. Don't tell them about libraries. Quality trash. Don't tell him about libraries. Quality trash. Don't tell him about libraries. Quality trash.

So I thought we were done with this whole situation. Okay. Sorry. Continue. I have a follow-up question, but please continue. So anyway, one night I'm asleep and all of a sudden, yeah, I'm a normie. Sleep in it? Call me a square.

You're no raccoon. You don't have a nocturnal body clock. Wait a minute. Did you say you were sleeping at night? Yeah, I did. I have only one response to that. The sound of sleeping. Yeah.

So you're sleeping at night. At night. Lame. Basic. Basic. At night. At night. Lame.

Basic. And all of a sudden. Can this be the premise of Jordan and Jessica from here on out? Just calling human behavior basic? Just sleeping at night specifically. Oh. I think we could get another thousand hours out of that, right? Yeah, absolutely. So wait, you don't have any thoughts about the fact that sometimes when I'm thirsty, I drink something?

Oh, shit. Oh, what? I'm sorry, Becky. Yeah. So I'm snoozing it up like the basic bitch I am. And all of a sudden, our dog is in her crate in our room barking her head off. Right. And I pop up in bed and I'm like,

my first thought is that I'm angry at my husband for why is he letting Wendy bark her head off in the room? What's going on? And I open the door. It's a natural response to presume that the dog barking is somehow your husband's fault. Well, it's his fault because he put her in the room and then she's barking and what's going on. Right. I was sleepy. Basic.

So anyway, I open the door and he is standing like five feet away from the door to the shunt. And he's like, there's a rat in there. And I say, oh, and I close the door quickly. And so anyway, long story short, he was watching TV when he heard something like a, something crash against metal. And he, it sounded so big that he thought our dog had like fallen over or something. And then he realized it wasn't her. And then he realized it was coming from the shunt. There was a ladder in there as well as the modem. He opened it up and he saw a rat curled up in the corner he thought dead. It had fallen and hit the ladder on its way down.

So he thought, okay, there's a dead rat in there. Oh, geez. And he was like, these are big, nim rats. So he was freaked out by it. And he was like, okay, I need to get something to get the rat out. He was freaked out by it and he was like, okay, I need to get something to get the rat out. I mean, they have to be nim rats if they have existential angst sufficient to lead them to commit suicide. It was the smell of the ennui that drew us there.

Sure. He tapped something. I don't know why. And the rat twitched and he's like, oh, God, the rat's not dead. You know what I'd do? Spray it with 409. See if that kills it. I'd feed it to the baby.

Give the baby a taste for flesh. Live flesh. So he managed to get the rat out, but it's a very sad story. The rat was dying. He got the rat out. Maybe he got better. Maybe he went to a little rat hospital. They got those underground over there. Yeah.

Because a lot of people who have heard this story that I'm telling for the first time here were like, why didn't you just put the rat out of its misery? But he couldn't bring himself to do that because he thought, what if the rat's going to make a recovery? But I don't think it was going to. That's true. What if he goes to a little rat hospital? Yeah. Daniel's not God.

That's right. He's but a man. Yeah. Put the rat outside. I'd have gone and got my shotgun. I just said, Martha, get me my shotgun. Chunk, chunk. Put it out of its misery.

I love to shoot and kill. It's fun. Apparently. But for mercy. But because you're merciful. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, that's the story. And I don't even know how I got on this topic.

Oh, you wanted to know about the wildlife in Burbank. Yeah, it sounds like it's pretty wild. Yeah, so we have a tree that hangs over our driveway, which I think is similar to Jordan's power line situation. And we have birds that sit up there and just love to shit on our cars. Do their biz. Yeah. See, this is the thing. I think when the house inspector comes to your house, they're busy looking at your wiring

and seeing if it's up to code and so on and so forth. Right. Telling you if your closet's going to catch on fire. What they should be doing is saying, this garage is too small to put a car inside and you're going to want to use it to put your toilet paper from Costco. And this power line runs over the only place to park your fucking car. It's going to be covered in shit all the time. Yes.

Enjoy your shit car, they say. Yeah. I got my car washed recently. But why? It was my thought when I looked at it today. Just so it can get a fresh layer of shit. I guess, yeah. So you can start anew.

Right. I did it more for the birds than anything. The birds appreciate it. I'm sorry. I really think if you say, what did you say? Fuck off. What did you say to the squirrel? What did I say to the squirrel?

I don't know. Hey, man. I think you said, come into my house and absorb my life. Initially, I said, what the fuck, squirrel? Oh, yeah. I think if you say that and the squirrel takes it in and hushes pipes down, I think you won. Well, Jesse will see when he returns home today. Is his family his own or is all his stuff going to be on the curb?

Jordan. Are they calling the squirrel daddy now? Did you already make that joke? I think you did. I think I did, but I think it's worth reiterating. It was a callback. Thank you. Can I tell you something important?

Yes. I'm going to take off this coat that I'm wearing. Oh, no. You were the squirrels the whole time. They've already absorbed your life and your podcast. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. We got the podcast.

We're doing Judge John Hodgman as well. Whoa. Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Mike Peska's going to host that from right. Yeah. We got the podcast. We're doing Judge John Hodgman as well. Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Mike Peska is going to host that from here on out. Oh, he's great. Yeah. Look, we're nimrats, but we're not NPR-level nimrats. Wow, what a twist. Thank you, Allison.

I really appreciate that. That means a lot to me. You're welcome. I'm so used to getting cut off at the knees by my friend Jordan over here. My so-called friend. Jordan over here. I hope you guys can hear the air quotes. Jordan's so fucking pumped

to set my wife up with these squirrels wearing human clothing. Whose side is he on? Yeah. Maybe I'll talk about that once I take off this coat. Oh, no. That's right.

We'll be right back on Jordan, Jesse, Squirrel. I think it's actually Squirrel, Squirrel, Go. Squirrel, Squirrel, yes. Everyone's squirrels. Who cares? Who cares? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Yeah, fucking raccoons. Get out of my house. Get out of my house. Get out of my house. I'm not the professional raccoon evictor. I'm just someone who took advantage of a raccoon eviction specialist services.

Right. I mean, here's the thing. Jordan was way ahead of us on this because he has a cat. And from what I understand, a cat kills things and puts them in your house. That's my understanding of how cats work. My cat does not. She's not an outdoor cat. Okay.

But I think if something got in the house, she would kill it. But have you seen how cat owners seem, they really made peace with this. Yeah. So that's the thing. So the first, when I first became a homeowner and I had to deal with my first dead animal and I was like, whoa, what the fuck?

Number one, I am from – I am from an apartment in the city. This is where I was raised. In an apartment in the city where only creatures are bad creatures. You can't have, you aren't even allowed to have a pet. You know what I mean? And number two, I have to deal with this just because

I own a home? It seems terrible. It was all the worst things about being an adult and a parent and so on and so forth that I had no skills in. And I was really upset by it. I did that shit.

What was it? It was like a medium-sized bird. Oh. Yeah, it was really gross too. Where was it? It was in the yard but on cement close to the house. So I did it. I got a shovel. I got a shovel.

You know, I have a shovel. I just was like, I'm just doing this. I'm doing it, right? So what did you do? And then I say about how upsetting it was on this very program. This was maybe five, seven years ago. Yeah. All these cat owners are like, oh, big deal.

Like one time my cat brought in a, you know, like a— Infant child and laid it at my feet. Yeah. Played with it and laid it at my soul out of its body. Like whatever. I, there was a, there was a, one of those whale carcasses in my house that's decaying that exploded everywhere because cats. I know.

I was like, okay. He thinks he's doing me a favor with his whale carcass. I don't have a, I'm not, I'm not against people having cats because they bring those creatures in. I'm just against them being mean to me about being upset about it just because they've developed their – Same. It's like if someone came over to my house. It's like if someone came over to my house and ruined my couch and then they were like, well, I have a cat. So it's not a big deal to me that someone ruined your couch. That's how felt yeah that's how i felt i get that you felt that way r.i.p jordan's

couch yeah couch miss the arms still the sitting part's okay yeah put your tushy in there it's gonna feel great fine this thing is plush we've got a plush couch uh it's pretty plush yeah yeah what kind of material are we dealing with? Well, the couch people, and I know we've got to get to calls. I won't make this. The couch people. We've got to get your Coke story, too. This was a, you know, I'll save that for next week.

It's not that good. He killed that one Coke brother. That's the Coke story. Oh, wow. Sorry, other Coke brother and the rest of his family. Yeah, they hate each other, I think. Anyway, go ahead. Well, there you go.

You're welcome, Coke brother. You're welcome, I think. Anyway, go ahead. Well, there you go. You're welcome, brother. You're welcome, I guess. The couch I got, I got this couch when I was doing pretty good. So I'm like, I want to splurge a little bit on this couch. And I had it like- Jordan was a gigolo for quite some time.

Oh. Yeah, I've aged out of it. He's got a beautiful, Jordan has a beautiful crown. You've retired. Well, I rolled my ankle too and. He's got a beautiful, Jordan has a beautiful crown. You've retired. Well, I rolled my ankle, too, and it's just been a career-ending injury. While jiggling? While jiggling.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, while juggling. Oh. Which is part of my jiggling. He's a juggling juggalo jiggalo. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. It's a very specific market, but- But people who are looking for jiggling, juggling, juggle, jiggle. Right, exactly. For that. I have a market corner. Yes.

So I got a custom-made couch, and the people at the custom-made couch place said that the material repelled pets. Oh. So that the material was not something that they would want to ruin. Wow. The material repelled pets, like a stepdad or something. Sure. Yeah, exactly. Or a glass of raccoon pheromone.

Got it. And for a while it worked. I think for the first couple months I had the couch, the cat did not touch it. Was there some scent in it? I don't know. I think it's the material. I think the idea was that the material was not something that they would want to scratch. This is a big claim.

Yeah, I know. And I liked it. And the couch person said it to me with confidence. She's like, do you have a cat? It's like, well, we have material that the cat will not ruin. Have you tried a chain mail couch? Yeah, exactly. It's a water couch.

Yeah, we can make it out of tin foil. The cat will want to bat it around the living room a little bit, but it won't want to scratch it up. Anyway, and then I – so, yeah, it worked for a couple months and then something snapped and then the cat's like, I'm going to claw it. Anyway, so enough of this not clawing. Woke up one night to the sound of screaming. Yeah, yeah. And it was the couch. Yeah.

I thought I was made of a special material. Anyway, so the moral of the story is don't trust custom couch phonies. And don't trust cats. They could snap at any time. Sure. But what color? What does it feel like? I'm something of a couchophile.

It's green and firm. Sounds nice. Sounds unripe. Right, yes. It's like and firm. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds nice. Sounds unripe. Right. Yes. It's like a banana. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally ripen.

That seems weird. Yeah. I take it back. When something momentous happens to you, call us 206-9844-FUN or send us a voice memo at JJGO at Maxim maximumfun.org. We might play it in this segment. Why? Well, this segment's Momentous Occasions.

It's dedicated to callers who something momentous happened to them. We've been doing it a long time, and we don't remember why. Go ahead, Brian. Hi. This is Tom from Philly. I was just biking home. Hi, this is Tom from Philly. I was just biking home and I saw what appeared to be truck nuts on the back of a bicycle. truck nuts on the back of a bicycle.

The primary difference being these cycle nuts or bike nuts were smaller and more realistic. They looked almost soft, maybe made of silicone. That's all I got. Thank you, Brian, Stern, and Jesse. And I bet the guest is RuPaul Charles. Thanks. God, that would be so much better than Alison Rosen. I mean, no offense to Alison Rosen. She's as good as it gets.

I agree. We got RuPaul in here? Yeah. I disagree. I'm Rosen over RuPaul. Thank you. RuPaul, wait your turn. Okay.

That's fair. Wait your turn. That's not unfair. That's fair. Wait your turn. That's not unfair. Rosen's here. Killing it. It's nice that they're more realistic. Yeah. I wondered if this wasn't heading into like, oh, he's actually just looking at someone's nuts.

Right. While they're riding a bike. Nuts are like hanging out of their bike shorts. Right. Nuts are there when many people are riding a bike. When you're wearing – when a man is wearing a bike clothing. Yeah. Too often their nuts are available visually.

For the eye taking. Yeah. And it seems like – it feels to me – I know that the nuts are going to be where they're going to be no matter what, and you're more sitting on your butt. You can't control the nuts. But those stretch pants feel like they put the nuts in danger to me. It feels to me like, I've never worn them, but it feels to me like they somehow put the nuts into- The danger zone? Yeah.

That's how it feels to me. Where's the danger zone? I mean, I think the world is dangerous to nuts. That's true. They're so delicate. But you're trying to keep nuts kind of front and center, at least to some extent. So you're saying it's trouble when they go out the back. Well, I picture those pants, those kind of pants I'm talking about.

I picture them kind of pulling them back and down into the danger area because there's nowhere for them to go forward. There's a compression that's pulling them down into that hard. And this is a racing saddle. I mean we're talking about if somebody is wearing the pants, they've got the hard with the slot down the middle for weight. Yeah. To lighten the load. There should be a slot where the nuts go. Yeah. Well, I think we can all – I don't – listen.

You don't have to tell us. We're piles of squirrels. We don't agree. Listen, we don't really agree where the nuts go. But I think we can all agree that the person who had the truck nuts-like product on the back of their bike is someone who would be insufferable to talk to. Yes, because not only the nuts, just the fact that they're biking everywhere. You know they are going to work that into conversation. Sure, yeah. No offense, people who are biking.

No, absolutely. It's a great way to commute. My friend Dustin fights to work all the time. Don't start this I have a bicyclist friend stuff, Allison. Look, just not in my backyard. Dustin doesn't exclude your anti-bicycle bigotry. Look, here's a picture of me with Dustin and his bike. You guys look so happy.

Where are you, Olive Garden? I would never cheat on you that way. Thank you. I have to only go with me to Olive Garden. If you need to go somewhere with Dustin, you go to Chili's. You go to Macaroni Grill. Yeah, I mean, I think we probably have a lot of bicyclists in our audience. We do get a lot of calls that start with I was riding my bike when X, Y, Z.

But yeah. And I think even bicyclists would agree that sometimes you get in the conversation zone of a bike person and it can be an unpleasant place where the person is on their high horse about their biking. And they have a lot of rage, which is understandable. Right. But they have a lot of rage because they're taking their life in their hands every time they try to go anywhere. And other people are not taking that seriously. Right. Yeah. Right.

And, yeah, I can see how people in their death cages are not taking seriously the lives of the people who are. They're parallel parking. They're opening their door. They're almost killing them. What in every other category is obviously the more responsible decision, the people on the bicycle. Yes. So, yeah, I think when you combine bicycle person with someone who buys a gross novelty item, This equals probably someone who is a little much. Yeah, there's a group.

There's an anarchist bicycle collective by my house. They definitely, there's definitely at least a couple people in there with these realistic bike nuts. I think that's absolutely true. But what's nice about the realistic bike nuts, Jordan, they're silicon. You can use them as a potholder. So that's the four-man function.

Four-man function together. Allison, I don't know if you're looking for a Christmas gift or a holiday gift. Yeah, I am. But that's a two-in-one. Right. I love it. I love it. Cycle decor. That you can use to pull a casserole outin-one. Right. I love it. I love it. Cycle decor.

Nuts that you can use to pull a casserole out of the oven. Yeah. Pot handler. Now, you'd need two sets of nuts. Four nuts. Right? Well, it depends how- Unless it's a tiny pot and then- What are you-

It might have one handle. Oh, yeah. I guess you're right. Or maybe just get a mountain, you know, because sometimes you feel like a nut. Anyway. That's fair. That doesn't really work. No, I enjoyed it.

When I was a little kid, I was a member of something called the Squirrel Club. Hey. Which was whatever bank my parents went to. They had like a program for our littlest savers called the Squirrel Club. Yeah. And I got a pencil with a little squirrel on the top. I got a button that said the Squirrel Club. Fun. And I had a pen box that said the Squirrel Club. So, I mean, are squirrels really so,

do they really have such financial acumen? Well, I mean- Do they really store their nuts for the winter or is that just a thing they say? I think they actually do do that. Yeah. I think they do. And they run that club, which is why rather than bringing in coins and bills, they asked you to bring in acorns. They did, yeah. But oh, the fun I had collecting them.

You're like, what are they going to do with all these acorns? I know. Acquire interest. I'd like to speak to the manager, he said. The manager opens his coat. Oh, no. Squirrels the whole time. That was also the plot of the new Mary Poppins movie.

Oh, fun. Didn't see it. I didn't see it either, but I heard it's really good. It's fun. Brian, we got another call in there? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Ina from Baltimore, and I just saved someone's life with the Heimlich Maneuver. It really works.

Tell all your friends. Everyone should practice daily. Okay. Be safe out there. Watch out for chips. Bye. Holy shit. Watch out for chips?

Yeah. Is that what you think they were choking on? Probably choking on a chip. Chip choking. Man. Okay. Now I'm scared. Because I, my favorite activity is to eat chips alone.

And I say that very seriously. Perhaps my favorite activity is to sit in the dark and eat chips. In the dark? Yes. While watching a film or just? No, sitting in the dark. Is this like a meditation practice for you? It's meditative.

Mindfulness practice? Yeah. What time does that happen? You just try and count the crunches very late there and right before betty time if you have a sit in the dark and eat chips if you have a thought or a feeling you just note it no i'm sitting on the couch i'm sitting on the green couch yeah you note it and you you you honor it. And then you have some chips. Yep. So, man, is this how I'm going to die? I'm going to die. What kind of chips? Oh, any chip.

Well, not any chip. But I have a certain, I have a, you know, like a list of chips I rotate in. Because I feel like, I don't think a potato chip is going to take you down. I don't know. Tortilla chips probably a little, they're hardier and sharper. Yeah. So, yeah, probably more likely. And I don't know. Yeah, tortilla chips probably a little, they're hardier and sharper. So yeah, probably more likely. And I don't that often. But they have less structural integrity.

Like, unless you're talking about a Pringle, which is made of a combination of, like, ground-up potatoes and wheat. I think, my opinion is, a tortilla chip has less fundamental structural integrity because it's made from masa. You know, it's ground up corn.

Whereas a potato chip, that's a slice right out of the tater. Yeah, I mean, I think my most common chip is a- Have you ever sliced a tater? I never have. Well, it's going to look a lot like a potato chip once you dunk it in hot oil. Wow. Yeah. My most common to look a lot like a potato chip once you dunk it in hot oil. Wow. My most common chip is a wavy lei. And I think that this can get pretty pointy.

Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Yes. This is important to me. When they invented Ridge's chips, why did they keep making flat chips? I sometimes like a flat chip. I mean, I prefer a Ridge chip. I mean, look, I prefer a ridged chip. I like an ultra premium. I like an ultra premium.

Look, if you're taking me to get that mustard-flavored kettle chip, that's not wavy. It's fine because it's got powerful crunch because it's a premium chip. But I'm just talking about- That's a chip that could kill you. A fucking kettle chip? That's how Iavy. It's fine because it's got powerful crunch because it's a premium chip. I'm just talking about- That's a chip that could kill you. A fucking kettle chip? That's how I'm going to go. I'm going to splurge on the kettle chips or I'm going to splurge on the fucking Maui onion chips. I was about to say, I would love to go out on a sweet Maui onion.

It's going to jab me in my neck and no one will find me for a week. But it would be so good. And no one will find me for a week. But it would be so good. And if it was a sweet Maui onion, I would have like fond, reminiscent associations, nostalgic associations with before my dad got remarried and we used to live in a little apartment on Godia Street and we didn't have beds. But once in a while he would get sweet Maui onion potato chips from the Granny Goose Company. That was like our big treat. Great chip. Yeah.

It's a great chip. Probably should focus on getting us beds. And? It's what's going to kill me. Sorry. No, no. I'm sorry. No, that's okay.

No, I'm sorry. I got nothing. I'm sorry, guys. Again, with the divorced dad and the bed situation, but what did he sleep on? He slept – so we both just had a mattress on the floor. Okay. In both bedrooms, we had a mattress. That was a very sad apartment.

That was how I would characterize it. Sounds sad, yeah. Except for the chips. Our landlord was like a 60-ish year old Vietnamese man who wore his Vietnamese military uniform anytime he was probably – it was like not just the trim but also everything from the ground up to where it – you know how an apartment building on a hill, it will have a part that runs along the hill that points downward and then a flat part to the center of the earth so that the whole building isn't sideways because it's on a hill. So all the like four or five feet up until it got flat, he painted it all with spray paint, fluorescent orange and forest green with spray paint. Wow. That sounds beautiful. I mean, he did a pretty good job considering, but yeah, it was a pretty sad. It also had like a, it had a non-functional fireplace, but it was just covered with plywood.

Huh. Yeah, I don't know what that... Yeah. There you go. And we had one of those TVs where you have to use a wrench to change the channel. Fun. Yeah. Anyway.

But sometimes you had good chips, like the kind that are going to kill Jess Jordan. Anyway. But sometimes you had good chips, like the kind that are going to kill Jeff's Jordan. Once in a while, we would have those good, good sweet Maui onion potato chips. It was a real highlight. I think you need to pre-chew your chips when you're with company. I got to be careful. Do you have a masticator? No, you got to get one.

Got to get a masticator. If only there was a masticator slash clock radio. Then I'm in. Three things. Do the two of you think that if you found yourself choking on any snack food, could be a chip, could be a pistachio for all I care, and there wasn't anyone around to deliver the Heimlich maneuver or hit you hard in the back, which apparently is equally effective as the Heimlich Maneuver, but-

Oh, that's really good to know. But doesn't break your ribs. Yeah. And go listen to the Sawbones episode about the Heimlich Maneuver is all I'll say about that. But if you were unable to find someone to do it to you, do you think you could do that thing where you like throw yourself over the back of a chair? So.

Like Cobra Commander taught us to do on Saturday morning television? When I was living in Brooklyn, I lived alone. And I'm always on the search for like some kind of food you can eat that has zero calories. I think like many people in this culture. So I was going through my pickled vegetable phase. And I bought some pickled eggplant. And I opened up and it was very, very vinegary, like

concentrated vinegary scent and flavor. Sort of like a pickle? But more so. Right. Like a cross between a pickle and Formula 409 that you mentioned before. Yeah. With a bit of eggplant flavor. Got it.

So anyway, I took a bite and I could not stop – was I choking on it or could I just not catch my breath because it made me cough so much? I can't remember. But anyway, I could not get air in. And I was like, this is how I'm going to die, alone, eating marinated eggplant. With a face full of eggplant. Yeah. I was like, this is how I'm going to die, alone, eating. With a face full of eggplant. Marinated eggplant, yeah. And maybe I really was choking on it because I know that I had pulled the chair out and I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

And then I didn't need to. But I was prepared to hunker down or force the chair into me. It was very scary. Are you prepared to do that, Jordan? Or do you think Bug would do that? Nah, I'm just going to accept it. I'm just going to let it come. It's my time. I'm not God.

Daniel's not God. If the chip goes down the wrong way, it was meant to go down the wrong way. Can we hear your story? I know you want to save it for next week, but I really want to hear this not very good story that you tease. Jordan has somewhere to go. Yeah.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Wonderful. It's a podcast that we do as we are married. And how's the ad going so far? Because I think it's going very good. We talk about things we like every week on Wednesdays.

One time Rachel talked about pumpernickel bread. It was so tight. You cannot afford to miss her talking about this sweet brown bread. We also talk about music and poems and, you know, weather. There is one. Weather? One time Rachel talked about Baby Beluga, this song, for like 14 minutes and it just really blew my hair back. So check us out on MaximumFun.org.

It's a cool podcast with chill vibes. Amber is the color of our energy, is what all the iTunes reviews say. They will now. I'm Riley Smurl. I'm Sydney McElroy. And I'm Taylor Smurl. And together, we host a podcast called Still Buffering, where we answer questions like, Why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party?

How do I be fleek? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about butts. No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager. And I was two. Butts, butts, butts, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, for joining us on this week's Jordan, Jessica. Thank you so much for having me. I just had your wife on my podcast.

So wait. Hold on, Allison. Sorry, sorry. I have something to say about that. Okay. And I was planning it out. I've been holding it. Don't forget to say that.

Don't forget to say it. Don't forget to say it. And then I messed it up. So Allison Rosen, of course, is the host of the podcast. Allison Rosen is your new best friend. Jordan is a regular on Allison's podcast. That's podcast. That's right. If there's going to be a gang episode, you bet your buttons Jordan's going to be there if he can.

You do an interview segment on Mondays. That's right. An interview podcast on Monday. And then a fun goof around. That's right. Later in the week. A panel goof around. And you record that down at the Stonestown Mall in San Francisco at the Olive Garden.

Yeah, it seems inconvenient considering we all live in L.A., but it's worth it. But it's worth it because when you're there, you're family. Yeah, exactly. The audio and the vibes. Yeah. So, obviously, Jordan Jesse Go fans should go check out an episode that Jordan's on. Why not? Please do. Why wouldn't you do that?

You'd be a fool not to. Real dumb. However, I will say this. The other day, my wife, Teresa Thorne, author of It Feels Good to Be Yourself, a book about gender. Identity. Book about gender identity. Gender identity. Was on Alison Rosen's podcast.

And I listened to this episode of the podcast. Now, I know my wife. She lives in my house. And we've been kissing for over 20 years. I thought Allison did such a beautiful and amazing job interviewing Teresa about not just her book, but also our family and her life and our lives together to some extent, I felt like I learned things about myself and my own family,

as well as my beautiful wife, Teresa, from that conversation. And Allison also, I think, did a really beautiful job of talking to Teresa about our... One of my and Teresa's kids is transgender, which like acting like she already knew how everything is. Very modest in that way, which is a great quality for an interviewer. And I was I was like, man, Alison Rosen, there's a fucking pro. She's good at her job.

So go listen to that episode if you're looking for an episode to listen to. That's so nice. Thank you. I mean it. That's really, really sweet to hear. Yeah. I really – I keep thinking about that episode. I really – I was really moved by it and I keep thinking about it.

And I personally learned a lot because I there's stuff that I, you know, I mean, thank you for what you said about how I, you know, was open about the fact that I don't know about how a lot of this works. And I'm curious about it. But while still being appropriate, because it's like a, you know, you want to thread that needle. But yeah, I learned a lot of about how it all works works. And, you know, I just felt like I – it was real education for me. And it was also just a moving episode. And everyone should go out and get that book because – and I just – the book brought tears to my eyes. of inclusiveness. I mean, even not necessarily talking about gender stuff, just as a human being, just to feel that the way you express yourself can be accepted. It's just a beautiful thing. Yeah. Speaking as someone who was essentially taught to love by Teresa Thorne, you too can be taught to love by Teresa Thorne by buying that book. Anyway, Alison is also, as I said,

the co-host of a podcast with our friend Greg Fitzsimmons called Childish. Yes. Which is about your – how old are Greg's kids, 10 or 12, something like that? No, 18 and 16. Oh, wow. So his eldest just left for college and that was a real rough thing. It's interesting. They dropped him off at DePaul in Chicago and he was saying that as a parent, everything in you is saying don't abandon your child. So it just felt so unnatural to just a call where his son said he was homesick. But actually, it was a call where his son said he's not homesick. That's what Greg had been. So he knows that this is what you hope for, but he's

still having trouble with it. And then I have a two and a half year old and a seven month old. So he gives me a lot of advice. And, you know, we're sort approaching parenting from from different ends of it because of the different ages of our kids and then we talk a lot about our own law we talk a lot about not not parenting stuff as well um but then we also talk about parenting news and we just did a live show with andy richter um and that one's up so uh that's a fun one and then yeah just check it out it's uh i think it's i think it's accessible whether you have kids or not I I I endorse these oh yeah the audio content of Alison Rosen is as good as it gets

thank you it's seriously though at some point Jordan Jesse goes super fan Lothriper is gonna have to make a choice at the end of the day you can't be a no don't he'll choose her. Don't start doing ultimatums. No, you can listen to any show. We'll still have Biggie in the Met.

Sure. So on Alison Rosen's New Best Friend, I just had Jimmy Pardo on. And I, like, I don't know, 20 minutes before the show, I'm like, wait a minute. I want to do a quiz. And I had a – I'm going to make, again, just like the raccoon story, going to make this one succinct. Law Threeper submitted some questions for a little quiz because he writes trivia questions.

So he's great. Yeah. Law Threeper. I know that you feel he's been disloyal. He's out now. One of the... He's out now. I'm fine with you, Law Threeper.

Keep listening. I'm only in support of Biggie and the Mets and Shurimpu. I haven't heard of Shurimpu in a while. I haven't seen Shurimpu in a while. I was just thinking fondly about Shurimpu. Can we circle back to the compliment of me for one second? Sure. I just want to say, again, thank you.

That means a lot to me because I have been thinking lately, you know, Alison Rosen is your new best friend. Monday is a one-on-one and then thursday is this like fun panel and sometimes i feel like i'm doing myself a disservice by having these two shows that are really kind of different in the same show because almost certainly so you think well we should talk about that later like because i do actual serious interviews that they aren't they aren't heavy. Some of them are. But some of them are very silly too.

But like they're of substance and then my Thursday show is just like a fun hangout. And it also has substance too but it's like a very different vibe. I would say I do – I don't think that they're that different. I do think that the goof around show does always include like some actual feelings. And I do feel like when I do go on that show that even though I'm not there to like promote something or get interviewed, I do think you genuinely want to know how I'm doing. I do. And it comes across. So, yeah, I definitely think that you – to both those things you bring a little bit of fun and a little bit of seriousness, and I think it goes great together. Can I describe Alison Rosen in a phrase?

Yeah, professional broadcaster. Sure, yeah. The woman is a professional broadcaster. I mean, sure, everybody knows that she's New York's funniest reporter, but at the end of the day, she's a professional broadcaster. Well, thank you. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. That's where you're going to find Shurimpu, Biggie and the Mets.

Right. And hopefully Lawthreeper's out of there by the time this episode comes out. You can keep listening, Lawthreeper. No, he's out. We're fine. He's out. Speaking from a place of emotion. Chose Allison, and he is out.

He is out. I love you. I love you. I love you too, Shrimpoo. I presumed you were portraying Shrimpoo, a listener

who really loves us. Yeah. I don't think Shrimpoo listens anymore. We're just talking to no one. It's been a really long time since I've seen Chirinpu.

You can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. We're on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris. Allison's on Twitter at Allison Rosen. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Brian's is – I always forget how to spell it. It's a brainstorm Brian storm pun, but it also has an underscore. Maybe it's A underscore Brian storm. I but it also has an underscore. Maybe it's a underscore Brian storm. I don't even it's so fucking complicated. It's like

we have one interesting thing about it, not two. Yeah, Brian. God. You know what? Brian's fired. Let's get Shrimpoo in here. I don't think Shrimpoo listens. I don't think Shrimpoo's. I think Shrimpoo just has less time to talk on Reddit or whatever because Shrimpoo's. I think Shrimpoo just has less time

to talk on Reddit or whatever because Shrimpoo's doing so much listening. That's true. Yeah. Isn't that weird though when you're falling asleep

and all of a sudden you remember the name of like someone who was very vocal in your, yeah, from like five years ago. Whatever happened

to that person? Where is Shrimpoo? Yeah. Shrimpoo's probably on one of those salmon boats in Alaska. You just don't get internet up there. Oh yeah. That's gotta be it.

It's good though. You can make like 50 grand in five months. Yeah, you make your whole nut there and then just chill out the rest of the year. Just get on Reddit. Talk about podcasts. Good. Okay, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported