Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 605: Thunderturtled with Rebekka Johnson

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

Rebekka Johnson (G.L.O.W., Mother of All Shows podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the quaint replacement words parents use instead of swearing when you're a kid, the time Rebekka got kicked out of church camp for doing acid, and Jordan's story about cocaine he teased last week. Plus, everyone tries to pinpoint exactly what "Crisco Girl" is.  ACTION ITEM: What were your parents' swear word replacements? Call us 206-984-4FUN or email [e-mail].

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, cocaine cowboy. Okay, so we teased this last week. Is this something we need to get into? We could do our general top of the show chat, intro the guest, and then I'll tell this story that I teased last week that- It was kind of a B minus.

Look out. Yeah. Look out, America. Here comes one of Jordan's lesser anecdotes. It has an end. It has a beginning. Does it have a middle? We'll see.

Can I share a very brief anecdote please so is it about your bootleg bart simpson t-shirt it actually is about my bootleg t-shirt it's great by the way great bootleg bart simpson t-shirt thank you very much i'm a fan of the genre so uh maybe a month or so ago uh i bought this bootleg bart simpson t-shirt at the flea market great place to buy a bootleg it's where they i, I mean, it's their home. Yeah, I mean, there's also, you know, a vintage clothing store for $100. Yeah, geez, right?

They're very expensive these days. But yeah, I got this one at the flea market, paid a reasonable price. It was sizable enough for my beefy body. And my... It's not a Hanes Beefy T, is it? No, this is far below the beefy tea standard. Mm-hmm.

This is a Schmanes. This is a luxurious hang that a beefy tea does. Schmanes leafy tea. Ah, sure. And by the way, Schmanes, you'll always be hot in these. If you... Schmanes, like Hanes, but hotter. Get yourself a steeper and try Schmanes leafy tea, just instead of bags or whatever.

Right, yeah. It's a really different experience. Well, and there's plastics in the bags. Yeah. We're all slowly poisoning ourselves. Yeah. For dolphins. All drinks are poison.

Yeah. So I have this t-shirt, and normally my children do not notice my clothing. What are you dropping on a bootleg Bart Simpson T-shirt at the flea market? I think I gave a man $20 or $25 for this. Great price. It was new old stock. A bargain at twice the price. And I bought it thinking, if this doesn't fit me, I'll sell it on eBay for $100.

Sure, yeah. But it did fit me, and I was like, hmm, yes, I would like to have that for myself. Maybe we should describe. It's Bart leaning on a skateboard. Bold, two-color print. Sure. At the bottom is the text, radical dude. Just as Bart has always been known to be.

Sure. And he is saying via word bubble, I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? It is a classic design in very low quality is how I would characterize it. My children normally ignore my clothing. They don't think I look good or cool or anything ever. But they are really into- What the fuck do they know?

Yeah, exactly. They're certainly wrong. Yeah. I look good and cool and whatever. Sure. My children are super into this t-shirt. Yeah. My children, my older two kids have seen The Simpsons twice,

maybe three times. I've been trying, like, they're at the age where I'm like, oh, I could probably show them The Simpsons, and maybe my oldest would get it, and my youngest would not suffer for having seen it. Sure. Or my middle one would not suffer for having seen it. But they all are excited that I finally have a t-shirt with a thing they know what it is. And even my youngest, Gaga, he's like, he's really into just that it's a thing he can see that it's a picture on a shirt that I'm wearing.

Like he thinks that's great. And he figured out- Maybe he thought about maybe getting some big dog shirts. I know. Some big Johnson shirts. Oh, well, he loves those. Yeah. I mean, he really loves Dick puns.

I mean, his personal motto is lead follower, get out of the way. Yeah. Well, be the lead dog or the view never changes. The view's always the same on the porch with your dick. You got a licker in the front and poker in the rear. Yeah, baseball is life. Of course, no fear. 100% volleyball.

Yeah. So, co-ed naked water polo? Yeah, exactly. He's saying shirt shit from the 90s anyway. A racist thing from Abercrombie and Fitch at the time? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, they would often have a racist fake vintage t-shirt. Oh, Abercrombie.

I know, A and F. So my son Gaga was looking at me at the dinner table tonight. And he's two and a half and he does not speak that well. But he looked at it, and then he looked at his mom, and he said, Ma, Bart Simpson always has table. Always has table. Teresa was like, did you say Bart Simpson always has a table? And he said, ah.

Talking about the skateboard. Yeah. Talking about the skateboard. He was talking about the skateboard. Bart Simpson, he's always got a table, Jordan. Sure. Always tabling around the neighborhood with a slingshot.

I feel like there's a like there's a Bart Simpson persona that existed in season one of The Simpsons and on shirts, but then now there's been 29 years of him not being like that. It's just this other character that's just like Dennis the Menace who says damn and then Homer chokes him. Anyway. It truly is. He did too much back talking for America's moms.

Yeah, my mom. Well, no, my mom was always okay with The Simpsons. But yeah, I definitely remember other kids telling me that they could not watch The Simpsons because of the back talk. Can I ask you a serious question? Yes. Do you want to introduce our guest? Yeah. And then we'll talk about- I'll ask her this question.

Restricted. Because she's got children as well. Our guest is a parent. Our guest... First and foremost. Our guest is an actor and producer, not least on the television program Glow, where she works alongside our friend Kimmy Gatewood.

They also work together in the Apple Sisters musical comedy group. Rebecca Johnson, how are you? Hi, I'm good. I'm Radical Dude, actually. Excellent. So here's my question for you. Are you an underachiever and proud of it?

I'm Stu. I'm with Stupid Idiot. That was one of Bart Simpson's prank calls when he called Moe's tavern. Oh, Bart, all those prank calls. That maybe continued for like two seasons beyond that. That's when I was watching it. I just learned those were a parody or like an homage to a famous series of prank calls to a real bar. Oh, I didn't know that.

They are on YouTube, and I watched some of them, and they're exactly the same as it happens in The Simpsons. Wow. But not for one of The Simpsons writers? No. No, it's just a thing. Just a thing that someone had on a cassette tape. They decided to have Bart do. So here's my question.

We know why we were allowed to watch The Simpsons. So why we were allowed to watch The Simpsons. When you were a kid, did your parents, was anything banned in the house? A Beavis and Butthead, a Ren and Stimpy, or could you watch all shows? Well, we didn't have cable and we also didn't even have a VCR. And like I'm so in the 80s, like everyone else had one and those things. So like there was no possibility for Ren and Stimpy or Beavis and Butthead. But I did watch the Tracy Ullman show and I was young and I was allowed to watch that.

But we were, you know, the classic Growing Pains, Golden Girls, Cosby, you know, like all the sitcoms with the family. And then I was supposed to go to sleep. I would be worried that Golden Girls would be too horny for a child. But Golden Girls was like a family favorite. Sure. Yeah. But I was allowed to watch it, yeah. Here's the question about The Simpsons.

I understand why we were allowed to watch The Simpsons is because it's an animated program. Sure. So the sass is figurative because it's represented by an animated character, not a human child. Just as the domestic violence is figurative. Sure. The child choking. Yes, it's slapstick. It's slapstick child abuse.

It's just goofy. Why on earth was I allowed to watch Get a Life? Oh, the Chris Elliott show? Yes. Yeah. Why also, why was that allowed to be on television? I barely remember that. It was so weird.

And I, like, I'm an adult man now. And I understand why I liked it then. And I like it now. Because it is, you can't believe that anyone ever did anything this strange on network television. It's just pure Chris Elliott being Chris Elliott. He was really hot from The Letterman Show back when there were only three cool things on television. And The Letterman Show was one of them. And he was one of the main guys on there.

And there was an episode where he and his dad adopted an alien who was always puking on them. So that was what was going on on Get a Life. And I don't know why it was on TV. I don't know why I was watching it. I don't know why my dad took me to see Cabin Boy. Like, I don't think my parents got it. Right. Probably not. They were cool. Your parents are cool counterculture types, though.

Yeah. My mom definitely loved Pee-wee's Playhouse. Oh, yeah. I know Pee-wee was verboten in your house for being too weird. Yeah. My mom had a, yeah. Really? Yeah.

My mom, you know, she was pretty, she was, my mom is not a counterculture type. My mom has never done anything cool. I think she went to see Elton John at Dodger Stadium once. Yeah, I think your mom, if I could use one word to describe her, it would be mom. Sure, yeah. She's very loving. Classic mom. Yeah.

She is a pie cooling on a windowsill. Yeah. But, you know, but she's not a bumpkin. You know, she's pretty sophisticated and has great taste in things you know that are kind of uncool uh yeah yeah kind of the things that she can you know that she can consume without you know opening up an alternative weekly she's you know has pretty good taste in and you know and i think we talked about the simpsons as you know what's a satire it's you know they're showing you how not to be um yeah so i mean i think she had a pretty you know she had a more sophisticated

view of it than the you know other moms in the neighborhood uh but she definitely if something just seemed weird to her it it it rubbed her the wrong way so that was peewee and that was ren and stimpy were the two big ones ren and stimpy is like i like rebecca i didn't grow up with cable television and in fact i literally literally had, you know how you hear about you change the channels with a wrench? We literally, our TV, you had to change the channels with a wrench. There was a wrench that sat on top of the TV so you could change the channels. It was like maybe an 11 inch black and white TV. This is not

in the 70s but this is not in Sanford and Sons. But anyway, my mom was totally on board with Pee Wee but dot dot dot Ren and Stimpy not having cable going over to a friend's house

and seeing Ren and Stimpy when it was new I was like what the fuck is this? How is this a children's show? It's just all like fart rockets and stuff. Yeah sure. Yeah Nickelodeon almost felt like dirty because there were things like that

or even like you know it just felt like oh it's like salacious. I could be slimed at any moment. Yes. Oh. If I just said the wrong thing. God, that slime was so aspirational to me. Oh, to be honest, do I get slimed?

Not even just to get to watch the slimings on cable. Like just that. Oh, yeah, you can hear about it. Oh, Jody has cable. He gets to watch fucking slime shows all the time. And if he sends in a self-addressed stamped envelope to their home office, he could win a Sega Genesis. You know, I just remembered, and I should have said this when we were talking about The Simpsons, that my dad, we all called him Ned Flanders. That's my dad.

Does your dad have a Flanders energy? Yes. A BFE, a big Flanders. That's my dad. Does your dad have a Flanders energy? Yes. A BFE, a big Flanders energy? He has big Flanders energy. We were at a baseball game and one of the players got kicked out, Mookie Wilson, and everybody was like,

bullshit, bullshit. And my dad, swear to God, was covering my ears and screaming, bull dinkies, bull dinkies, bull dinkies. And that was just normal. Now, did dinkies stand in for poop a lot in your childhood? Yeah, when I learned the card game bullshit, he taught it to us as bull dinkies. Bull dinkies. So I truly.

But did he say, like, you have to make a dinky in the potty? No, no. That was jobbies. Jobbies. Jobbies. Wow. Dinkies was not correlated. So I see what you're saying.

Dinkies was not correlated to poop. It was just like it's like saying heck instead of hell. It's not like, you know. Sure. Yeah. But bull dinkies. He'd say like, oh, heavens to Betsy Bev. Like there's flowers growing in the, you know, he's like. Sure. Still. Mercy. Yeah. to Betsy Bev. Like there's flowers growing.

You know, he's like. Sure. He still talks like. Mercy. Yeah. He talks like that. Great Caesar's ghost. Yeah. Exactly.

Now this is interesting because my. Bring me Spider-Man. I was. Great Caesar's ghost is Perry White. Superman's editor. Okay. Oh my God. So if the comic book.

Thank you. Thank you. You just saved my week on Twitter. No problem. No problem. Happy to help. But yeah the comic book. Thank you. Thank you. You just saved my week on Twitter. No problem. No problem. Happy to help. But yeah, I guess so. So, you know, my my parents are also Flanders esque.

And yeah, my mom never had like colorful stand ins for swears. But I never heard her do it herself. And to this day, I I watch myself like when I'm having dinner with them. Like I would say bullshit or I wouldn't say i can't really curse around them my mom actually doesn't even say but or anything she calls it a sit down wow and adorable and this is all so fucking cute it's really true yeah and like i didn't wipe enough and now my sit down's really itchy to my son or something a little brown on the sit-down. She would be mortified.

She'll probably listen to this and be like, you know, why do you have to? Bev sounds great. I'm not going to lie to you. I like Bev so far. Yeah. You know what? She's great. She's great, but even though we lived in New York, in Staten Island, New York, it seemed like I lived in the Midwest in my house with the way they would talk about us.

My maternal grandmother would exclaim, Thunder Turtles. Thunder Turtles. Thunder Turtles. What is that in place of bullshit? Any vulgarity. Sure. I like that. Any vulgarity.

So it didn't simply signify a lie or something. It was just the go-to explanation. If she was on a date, she'd go, I got Thunder Turtled last night. She'd say that on a date? If you wonder why I'm walking funny, I got thunder-turtled last night. He'd be like, I thought we were exclusive, ma'am. Ma'am.

He'd call her ma'am. You can't tie her down. You can't tie ma'am down. No. I don't want to besmirch the reputation of the late Grandma Rita, who was an amazing woman. I got thunder turtled in the old sit-down. I took a thunder turtle right to the sit-down.

All right, enough of this, bull dinkies. I got thunder turtled, but I'm still a virgin. Sure, yeah. You know what I mean. I do. God's cool with it if it's in the sit-down. Yeah. You know what I mean.

I do. Yeah. God's cool with it if it's in the sit-down. Just one thing I learned at church is that God's cool with the sit-down. Yeah. That's John 318? 316. Oh, that's John 316. That's why people always hold it up for baseball games.

Oh, that's why they hold that up. Yeah. I thought it was. To remind people that for God so loved the world that he made it cool to do it in the sit-down. That's why they're holding it at baseball games. I just remind everyone watching at home that anal's cool. Wow. I had no idea.

God's cool with anal. I went to church a lot growing up, but somehow I missed that. Yeah, sure. Where did you grow up? In Staten Island, New York, the worst part. That explains why you're going out to see Mookie Wilson. Yeah. You're going to see those legendary cocaine New York Mets.

Oh, man. They loved cocaine a lot, Jordan. Yeah, the 86 Mets were all coked up just like you. Sure. Oh, yeah. I got this fun coke story. Fun segue. Yeah.

coke story fun segue yeah um oh i mean i should i would like to to segue from jesse's bootleg bart t-shirt to your cool clown jumpsuit how would you describe this thing it's it's rad by the way thanks it's a brand new works that i have a lot of clothes from them it's a pink jumpsuit that has ladies on it i thought they look kind of like wrestlers, but we can go with clowns. Oh, they do look wrestly. Or some of them appear to be topless and could be burlesque performers. Well, and it's so funny because I really love

this jumpsuit. It's also very comfortable, but I almost wore it to like a kid's birthday party the other day, and I was like, nah, I shouldn't do that. It's like there's ladies

on it. It has cartoon tits on it. Yeah. Well, they're like butts, I think. Oh, yeah, sure. It's like there's ladies' backs on it. It has cartoon tits on it. Well, they're like butts, I think. Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, there's tits under the shirt there. But yeah, eyeballs. They also seem to be cyclopses. Yeah, there's a lot going on.

There's a lot going on. It's a bold graphic. Yeah, it's a bold graphic. And maybe not for kids' parties, but definitely for bad guests. Oh, yeah. Where no one can see my clothes. Yeah, we're getting fucking wild in there. They can just hear a description of it. kids parties but definitely for bad guests yeah yeah yeah isn't that that's your the favorite thing for the listeners right it's just to hear the description of everything we're wearing head

to toe that's yeah this is yeah it's it's in kind of an asmr thing like cutting soap they like to go to sleep to descriptions of what people are wearing wait is cutting is cutting soap an ASMR thing? I think so. It's a YouTube thing. Do you cut it with like a bread knife? We have now reached the end of my knowledge about this. Okay. I was like, what? We have now reached the cutting soap portion.

Yeah. That's all. Grab your soap. Get your soap and don't drop it. But if you do and you get it in the sit down, it's all right with God. It's all right Don't drop it. But if you do and you get it in the sit-down, it's all right with God. It's all right with JC. Yeah. Anyway, so this story we've been teasing for four weeks, for eight weeks here.

This better be good. Ace pitcher Doc Gooden wants you to do some blow. Do it right off the Thunder Turtle. And a herald. Yes, sure. All right, everybody. Thanks a bunch. Next group's coming up.

Everybody give a hand to... I can't think of a dumb improv team name. I mean, Mixed Nuts. Really? Mixed Nuts. There you go. Satellite of Love.

I don't know. Yeah. Oh, so anyway. So I, you know, kind of a theme on the program lately, past four years or so, is, you know, how, you know, late 30s makes it so you don't do the shit you used to do. Yeah. And Jordan, for your benefit, Rebecca, is a first generation cool. Oh, yeah, right, right. Yeah, his mom, uncool.

Yeah, so I'm, you know, and it was weird because I was growing up between two worlds. Oh, wow. It must have been hard for you. You know, I was going to school and being cool, but then I was going home to an uncool family and it's like I had a fractured identity.

Brian, put in some cool, tinky xylophone music behind that and then just mail it to This American Life. Cool. Is that what they do these days? I haven't listened to it. Yeah, I think you mail it. You think you mail it. I think they do things that are important now. Oh, yeah.

Not just stories about growing up between two worlds. That's mine's important. It's my story. Yeah. It's a cool story. Anyway. Yeah. It's my story.

Yeah. It's a cool story. Anyway. So, yeah. And I was kind of noticing recently how it has been just years since anyone's offered me hard drugs. Years. And it's not a thing that I did a lot of, but it was something that I had the opportunity to do, you know, three times a year. you know three times a year it would come you know once in the fall once in the spring i would take the winter off um and then you know blow some fat rails in the summer yeah uh but yeah but any but it has not happened a lot because i have not been like doing the kinds of fun things

you stopped clubbing i stopped clubbing yeah yeah um but anyways but i was you know but i've been kind of trying you know i've been kind of trying to like you know get out there and and do some do some funds not just you know while the night away playing borderlands 3 looking for more legendary loot you gotta get that loot though i know you're never gonna make it to 100% completion. It's also legendary, from what I have heard just right now. Yeah, there's some good loot in that game. But I could just sit and do

that all night and then feel shitty in the morning. So I'm trying to do stuff. Would you say it's sting-level loot? The what? Sting-level loot. Oh, L-U-T-E. Yeah. Nice! And of course, we all know about Sting's late career classical early music albums. Yep.

I think we explained that. Yeah. Everyone understands what's going on. Anyway, so I'm giving it a shot. like giving it a shot even though i do have the you know fucking 37 year olds proclivity to go to bed at 10 and you know feel bad if i have three glasses of wine um but yes but the other night i saw a very cool lineup of shows or cool lineup of bands at the monty bar which is very close to here it's down the street very cool bar i, ah, this is a cool thing that fucking 25 year old Jordan would have gone to

and raged at. No matter what Mrs. Morris had to say. Yeah. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Gail. And me and my friends think the lunches you pack stink. Yeah. And I've watched Pee Wee as an adult.

And it is creepy. It is. You were right, probably. Yeah. A lot of sex stuff in there. Sure. A lot of double entendres. Yeah, Miss Yvonne.

And the guy who made Ren and Stimpy turned out to be a real creep. So maybe you were okay with that, too. So what am I yelling at you for, Gail? You gave me a lovely childhood. Yeah, Gail's great. Gail's great. It's a winner. Thanks, Gail's great. Gail's great. She's a winner. Thanks, Gail.

Anyway, so I went to this thing. I was there. The headliner was Colleen Green. I don't know if anybody's ever heard or seen a Colleen Green. Hell no. She's great. What if John Fander sliced butt Riot Grrrl? It's great.

Sounds awesome. Look it up. It's great. But it's one of those things where the flyer to this thing said 8 o'clock. We get there at 8.30. Show up a little bit late. Yeah. No one's doing anything yet.

No music. Oh, bands don't start until 10. Oh, my God. Why? So it's just you and some other cool people milling around. It's like you. Couple of cools. Mookie Wilson, Kevin Elster.

Right. Jombie. Howard Johnson. Sure. Flanders. No way. Who's cool in the world of The Simpsons? Moe.

Yeah, Moe. No way. Not Moe. He would be timing bar, right? Auto. Yeah. Moe's behind the bar. Disco Stu.

Disco Stu. Snake, the criminal guy anyway so i i'm like okay well like let's i want to ride this out but one by one the people i came with start dropping out so i gotta go i can't fucking stay at this thing till 10 o'clock but i'm like how late did they think they were how many fans are on the bill that the show doesn't start till 10 o'clock. Like five. Wow. So the thing that we're there to see probably will not start till one. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, bars in Los Angeles close at two.

Sure. Yeah. You'd be sobering up while watching your favorite band. Yeah. But those assholes got shit to do in the morning. Yeah. Not this guy. Yeah.

I can stay. So I'm trying to ride this thing out, and I'm having a good time. Great, great lineup. A lot of fun stuff on there. But I'm here. I'm like by myself, and I'm fading. Are you making new friends? Well, so I'm in the bathroom.

And there's Daryl Strutter. And there's a man in the bathroom, and I'm peeing trying to keep my eyes forward. And I just hear him say, are you a cop? And I have to tell you know that. Yeah. Look over. You know that you have to tell. You have to tell if you are a cop.

And I look over and at the third amendment. Sure. Yeah. And I look over and at the sink is this guy and he's wearing like a leather Fonzie jacket and a cowboy hat. Wow. The Fonzie jacket is over what appears to be a high school wrestling singlet. Hell yeah. This guy sounds fucking spectacularly cool.

He is. He's a cool dude. That guy had cool parents. Yeah. Yeah, he was not straddling to the world. Sure. Probably a Zappa. Yeah, he probably is.

He probably had a Zappa. What is this? Mid-career Gary Carter? This guy is so cool. Is that a baseball guy? Yeah, those are just different guys from the Mets at the time. The 80s Mets. Cocaine Mets.

So yeah, and this guy is doing cocaine off of a key. And I look at him and I say, no, I'm not a cop. And he's like, all right, you want some? And I said, no, but thank you very much for asking. You know what? Gail would be so proud of you. You're so polite. Gail is right.

Yes. Not only did I not do the drugs, but I thanked the man. I think Gail might have wanted me to call the cops and then go right home. Oh no, you can't do that. But you know, it just felt great. He saw me and he saw maybe a kindred spirit,

a guy who's there by himself. And he's like, maybe I can party. then i i went out he didn't think of you as exactly directly a kindred spirit because you were wearing a doublet right yes exactly yeah uh cowboy hat and the fonzie jacket yes but yeah and then i went out and for the rest of the show this guy between every single song for the rest of the bands between every single song would yell at a at a varying volume sometimes loud, sometimes he'd just kind of mumble it. Between every song he'd go, what kind of music is this?

Probably because he was on Coke. Does Coke make you not understand genres? I don't, yeah. I've never done it. I don't know if that's one of the things that happens. Right, sure. If you can't understand musical genres when you're on Coke, I don't. Yeah. I've never done it. I don't know if that's one of the things that happen. Right. Sure. You can't understand musical genres when you're on Coke.

I don't know. Right. Trip hop? I don't know. I don't know. Happy hardcore? Post punk? I don't know.

Is this opera or rockabilly? Big hair. Bright and set-up hair. Someone's yodeling. Right. What kind of music is this? No one answered him, too. Maybe he was a ghost that only I saw.

Maybe. Anyway. I've never been offered cocaine. I'd love to be offered cocaine. Yeah. That's not true. I've never been offered powdered cocaine. Oh, sure.

I've been offered crack cocaine. Well, naturally. Not since I was a teenager and never as a friendly gesture, only in a purely commercial context. Sure, sure. I've been offered crack cocaine. Well, naturally. Not since I was a teenager, and never as a friendly gesture, only in a purely commercial context. Sure, yeah. They were wondering if you wanted to buy some crack. I don't think this guy was trying to sell it to me. I think it was... He was going to give you a free bump. It was just a bump. First one's

free, maybe. Yeah. Uh-oh. Oh. And once I... It's good you said no. Got a two to that rowdy powder. He's your daddy. Anyway. So it felt good. So I guess I am still the kind of guy who people think would want to do a bump of coke They think you're either a cop or a guy who would do coke off a random guy's key. Yeah. He's one of the two.

It's possible. It was a gross bathroom too. That was kind of a cool part of it. The bathroom was really bad. So I'm like, yeah, this is very cool. Seeing some cool bands. So gritty. Terrible bathroom.

Awful man. This is great are you ever do you ever find yourself longing for a coolness that you lost at some point in your life um yeah i mean when i lived in new york i i don't even know if this is cool because i'm gonna say it it doesn't sound cool that i would always just be doing improv shows but then be at like the Irish bar till 4 a.m. Right. And that was sort of – There is that UCB New York Irish bar that closed recently.

McManus. And then there was another one by – I used to do also improv at the Pit. So then there was like a bar, whatever, on 7th – Molly – Mustang Sally's. And, yeah, so I did that a lot. I was – the coolest I ever was was in high school when I did acid all the time. Oh, yeah. That's very cool. But then I stopped doing that.

Was there like a music scene associated with it? Rave. Oh, rave. You were doing acid at raves? Yeah. How many people only did ecstasy at raves? Acid was $5. Ecstasy was $30.

So that's how I made my drug choices. And also a douchebag I was dating was encouraging me to do it as well. And so, yeah, then I did it a bunch of times. And I did it. And then once I graduated high school, actually I got kicked out of church camp for doing acid. And then I felt like I should leave it. At church camp? Yes.

And I felt like I should leave it behind. God, what a bunch of meanies. I only did it one more time and then I never did it again. And then now I just drink and occasionally smoke pot, but I can't smoke too much or I fall asleep. So I'm different than I used to be. I get those pot sleepies too. What kind of acid experiences did you have as a teen? I mean, I'd say the funniest one was when I was getting kicked out of camp because we had two hours of free time.

So you wanted to make the most of them, those two hours. And my friend. Make sure they're a party. Yeah, my friend who I grew up with was a drug dealer. And so he brought acid. And we were all like oh during free time let's trip and uh yeah so for two hours we had the best yeah it was still free time we weren't gonna do it during like the choir and archery yeah and all so we had the best time that we

like ran around this like hay maze and just like, oh my God, we just had a blast. But a hay maze is a fun place to trip. Yeah, it was so fun. And the camp, I grew up going there. So really just, I always loved being there and I really fucked it up. And so like, yeah, then the two hours of free time were over. And I actually, my counselor was also a raver at church camp

and I bragged to her that we had done acid because I was thinking she was kindred spirit but actually she told on us and so we then had to go to singing did you ask her if she was a cop? I should have asked her if I was a cop but I should have. I should have asked her if I was

a cop, but I was tripping. So I wasn't even thinking of real questions. Are you a frog? You have to tell me. The worst part was like once we were getting, once it all came out, what we were doing, we lied and said, oh no, we had just smoked weed. And I said, I was just bragging, but I was lying. We only had smoke pot. But what would happen is I would go into the bathroom while the pastor who was interrogating us was sitting in the upper lodge, which would be like just right outside the studio. Imagine like spatially. And I would go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, still very much tripping and say, you fucking idiot, you stupid fool. Why did you do this? And then I'd wipe my tears and go back and sit down

as if I didn't just scream at myself in the bathroom. And they could hear me! Oh, wow. Screaming! Oh, jeez. So that was, like, really insane. Why did you pull this bull dinky? Yeah.

Just yelling at myself. Too big for your sit-down. How are you going to face Rev? Yeah, so up until this day, my parents still think it was pot. So I guess they'll find out now that it was acid when they listen to this. Well, at least they've got great taste in podcasts. That's nice. Your parents, because you do a lot of press-related stuff for Glow and for your other projects.

Do your parents ingest all of the press that you do? Yeah, my mom will send me. If I'm in an article or something, my mom sends it to me. Nice. Yeah, she's really on top of it. And she's on top of anything I say or do online, my mom is on top of it. Yeah, my mom is the same way. I think my mom is proud of me and she loves me. But also she's looking for to Jordan Jessico. But if she did listen to this episode of Jordan Jessico, she would be sending me right now an angry email that explained that while my father had a black and white television where you had to change the channel with a wrench, she had a color television and we used it to watch PBS.

She'd be like, why didn't you say that? Now she'd be happy because you explained it. My mom is the same way, not about anger, but about things to be worried about. So like I visited a courthouse in Santa Barbara when I first moved here, you know, like this beautiful like Spanish courthouse in Santa Barbara. And I tweeted at the time, this is a long time ago when you would just tweet random things and you're not like only coming up with the jokes. But I was just like visiting a courthouse in santa barbara my mom

starts tweeting back like do you need help did you get arrested like this whole thing because she just takes any reason to be nervous she like i was like do you think if i got arrested and i was in court you would call it visiting a courthouse. Yeah. And I would tweet. Sure. Just visiting a jail for a few years. Yeah. It's going to be visiting this jail. You're like, no, mom. I eloped. Yeah.

It's even better. Speaking of that Twitter 1.0, like proto-Twitter, I recently are – oh, I don't know if she's ever been on the show. Courtney Davis? Is she just – anyway, comedy favorite from around town, Courtney Davis, teaches a – like a talk show writing class at UCB. She used to write for Kimmel. So she teaches this talk show writing class and then kind of the final is they get a host in and the kind of students of this class all like write a little talk show. Anyway, she asked me if I would be one of the guests in the fake talk show. I said that I would and – because this is a very forward-thinking class because it's not just monologue jokes and sketches.

It's also just like you got to like goof around with the celebrity social media. This is what happens on a talk show these days. So they they're like, oh, we're going to do a thing where we you have to explain your old tweets. And I was like, you know, and this is, you know, this is this is around James Gunn Gates. And I can't lose another Marvel movie. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

You may lose another name on those Marvel movies if you lose that account. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You made your name on those Marvel movies. If you lose that account. Yeah. Yeah. It's like losing the Glengarry leads. Back to Troma for me. You'll only be able to do Spider-Man, which is not connected to Marvel anymore. No, I can only do Marvel properties that are owned by Sony.

So, yes, I can direct the Kraven the Hunter movie. Okay. Thank God. And I am here to, well, they're already finishing it up, but if they need a sequel to Morbius the Living Vampire, I can do that. By the way, Craven the Hunter, you really have a vision for that thing.

I got a take. It's all you need in this town. You need a take. That's all you need, just one take, right? Just one. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah. I've got a take five.

Is that good enough? Ooh, that sounds good. You just need one. Great candy Anyway. So, yeah. I've got to take five. Is that good enough? Ooh, that sounds good. You just need one. Great candy bar. Take five bar. Craving the Hunter instead of killing Spider-Man. You should have pretzels, peanut butter. Peanut butter, caramel.

Yeah. Coated in chocolate. Yeah. Ooh, that's a good Hunter. Yeah. Ooh, that's Craven. Ooh, that's Craven. Craven that.

Oh, yeah. Great. Craven, Craven. That's perfect. Craven that. Oh, yeah. Great. Craven, Craven. That's perfect. Maybe we're going to get these accounts back. Hi. I'm Craven the Hunter for Take 5 Candy Bar. Yes.

And usually I'm obsessed with murdering Spider-Man. Yeah. And my past is a former Russian oligarch. Yeah. Anyway, torture past that guy. So you were a guest on the talk show. I was a guest on the talk show. And Jordan, you're someone, as long as I've known you, where if you could set some kind of backfire to destroy everything you've ever created before this very second, you would.

Yeah. Yeah. So the thought of my old tweets is a little bit mortifying. So it was – so all the – they had like ten – not ten, maybe like five or six tweets over the course of two days where I was just saying what kind of hummus I liked. I was just saying various hummuses. I had tried new hummuses. I was very into the Trader Joe's white bean hummus. And you also have a very-

Which I've been told recently is not actually a hummus because it doesn't involve chickpeas. Wow. The Twitterverse would go crazy on that now. Back then, they didn't care. They didn't care. Does it have tahini in it? The Trader Joe's white bean hummus? Yeah.

I don't know. Look it up, Brian. it? The Trader Joe's white bean hummus? Yeah. I don't know. Look it up, Brian. Okay. I think this might be a discontinued item. I haven't seen it in a while. But anyway. But you also have, these days, a very highly curated social media feed where you're really only posting great jokes.

That's the only thing you post on Twitter is a great joke. You're promoting the podcast. Oh, yeah. Once a week. George and Jesse go post. Yeah. And the occasional recommendation of a novel which are very hot posts

people love to be recommended a novel on twitter this is not normal read this novel what I say yeah so anyway but seeing the fucking

hummus tweets those twitter 1., here's what I'm doing, was mortifying. I would have rather jacked off in front of that audience. Really? And had them look at my dumb, like, I just want engagement. Look at me. Do you like hummus too? I need someone to look at me. It was so fucking embarrassing.

Anyway. So I went back and deleted every tweet that mentioned hummus. I searched for hummus and just fucking eradicated it. Future employers do social media searches. Yeah. You don't want to get caught out there. Sure. Mentioning hummus.

You left all the offensive stuff, but you made sure to clear anything that wasn't funny. Yes, all the questionable, ironic racism I left in there. You're still hoping to get fired from SNL. It would be very. You're still hoping to get fired from SNL. It would be very good for me right now to get fired from SNL. Yeah. It looks like there is tahini in it. Yeah. And it is discontinued.

Yeah, but I think that's, I'm counting that as a hummus, Jordan. As a hummus expert, I think we can all agree. I'm what they, my nickname back in school was Dr. Hummus. Oh, right. Yeah. school was Dr. Hummus. Oh, right. Yeah. Sorry, Dr. Hummer. Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, no, wait.

The Hummer doctor. I would fix other people's Hummers. You'd fix people's blowjobs? No, no. Humvees. Wait, but do you guys... Wait. Like, Hummers are blowjobs.

I was looking for... No, it's a type of car Arnold Schwarzenegger had. But they're also blowjobs. But yes, that's what he gets. He gets blowjobs. No, it's a type of car Arnold Schwarzenegger had. But they're also blowjobs. But yes, that's where he gets blowjobs in those cars. Are you talking about jobbers? Because that's something different. No, that's Steve Jobs' nickname before Microsoft.

Before Apple. Yeah. One of those. And his tragic death. Yeah. Listen, you can make fun of people who die. You can make, it's been, what is it? It's been a couple years. Yeah.

Who cares? R.I.P. Jobber. He's giving Hummers in the sky. And there's Tahini up there. That's what comes out. Sucking off St. Peter right now. Yeah. St. Peter just now. Yeah, St. Peter jizzed tahini.

In heaven. And he calls his mouth white beans. Okay, it's too hot in here. It is hot. And Rebecca's on acid. Yeah. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in...

What the fuck is going on? Bull diggies. We'll be back in What the fuck is going on? Bull dinkies. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Rebecca Johnson,

clown jumpsuit. She is Johnson, clown jumpsuit. She is wearing a clown jumpsuit. Or a wrestler jumpsuit. Or a burlesque jumpsuit. Or a wrestler jumpsuit. You never know. Or a Cyclops onesie. Man.

I used to have a great wrestling t-shirt that I got at this estate sale in San Francisco. Francisco uh and I think the guy was like a wrestling coach like a college wrestling coach and was using all his wrestling media as like crypto pornography both sure and the shirt was for San Francisco State Wrestling and I got to when I when I gained my adult weight I became too husky to wear it but it was just these it was just like a line drawing of some dudes just going to town. And it said San Francisco State Wrestling, but it was like distinctly pornographic. You know what I mean? Like Muscle Man magazine. Like the whole place was Muscle Man magazine and stuff.

Sure. It was great. It was just a porn shirt. It was a total porn shirt. It was awesome. It was just a porn shirt. It was a total porn shirt. It was awesome. Some Tom of Finland vibes, perhaps? It was pure Tom of Finland, only I don't, like, it really, everything there really rode the line between pornographic and not pornographic in a really beautiful way. What do I jack off to?

Yeah, like, this shirt, I could wear this. None of it and all of it. I could wear this shirt to church camp and couldn't nobody say shit, but it was definitely a porno shirt. You could jerk off in your bunk later. Yeah. That's great. While you're tripping. You know, Jordan.

Yes. We've got a little thing called the Jumbotron. We sure do. It's a big board where we share listener messages, and there's something up on the Jumbotron this week. That's true. Here's a question. Do you like, this is a listener message, do you like good stuff but have a hard time finding it?

It sounds like the Radish podcast is just what your queue needs. Radish is hosted by four brave lads who sift through the entirety of the world's media and bring you just the good stuff every week. From TV, anime, music, and weird news from around the world, let Radish be your direct connection to the gems in our cultural wasteland. Visit RadishStuff.com or check out Radish wherever podcasts are sold.

If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. My only disappointment with this podcast, Jordan, as much as I like four guys talking about what's good in popular culture to each other, I would prefer if it was about radishes. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I'm guessing the radish advisory board is kicking themselves for

not getting this podcast sooner. I'm not telling these people how to run their operation, but there's this thing uh in tech companies called pivoting right and i think they should pivot to that spicy crunchy taste treat called a radish tiny slice of something to serve with a taco can i tell you something i didn't i didn't eat those radishes until maybe 10 years ago i I was an adult man 10 years before I started eating the radishes that are next to the

salsas when you buy tacos. And it's a great little crunchy powder cleanser. Crunchy, vinegary. Really, really completes the meal. They can make their own ASMR radish podcast where they just

bite into those spicy wonders. Cut a little soap. Boom. Hit show. Search radish in your podcast player or check out radishstuff.com If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. We'll wish somebody happy birthday. We'll plug your shit.

We don't care. Yeah, we don't care. Yeah. Do whatever. Who cares? Write up the old Thunder Turtle. Sure. Where did that come from? Oh, I don't care. Yeah, we don't care. Yeah. Do whatever. Who cares? Why? Right at the old Thunder Turtle. Sure. Thunder, where did that come from? Oh, I don't know. Thunder Turtle. Don't know.

Anyway. My grandma Rita, she really liked watching All Creatures Great and Small and Doctor Who on PBS and reading Dickens novels. Mm. Mm-hmm. She's a cool lady. These are some fun activities. She's a great lady.

I wonder if there's anyone else in your listener audience who also said Thunder Turtle. Like if it was that – It's a regional thing. Is it a regional? Yeah. Let us know. Maybe this will be a fun call to action. What were your substitutes for swear words?

That's a great one. And Dave Shumka, please call in to talk about not being allowed to say farts and having to say F word for dirt. Yes, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN. He was allowed to call them dirts. Dirts. But when he had to allude to farts, he said F word for dirts. Oh, God.

So, yeah, give us a bonus points if you can actually get your parents on to explain where they came from. Yeah. Get mommy and daddy on. Put mommy and daddy on the phone. Do you think Nana and Meemaw can call in, too? If they're not dead. Yeah. Given the age of our audience, that's likely.

Can I ask a question, Jordan? Yes. What if they are dead? Can they still call in? From hell? Sure. From heck. From heck. Excuse me. Yep. Sure. From H- a question, Jordan? Yes. What if they are dead? Can they still call in? From hell? Sure. From heck. From heck.

Excuse me. Yep. Sure. From H-E-double hockey sticks. If you're Nana and Meemaw are roasting in H-E-double hockey sticks and they want to talk about it. Because they're lesbians. Oh, no. Wow.

Nana and Meemaw. Wow. They are. Could happen. Sure. God doesn't want that. Apparently, according to you. Because they don't, unless they do it at the butt.

Yeah. He doesn't want that, apparently, according to you. Because they don't, unless they do it at the butt. Unless they observe the laws of the sit-down. Yes. I forgot about sit-down, and it was only about 12 minutes ago. That's boiling your brain in here. I'm euphoric once again about the sit-down. Hey, speaking of calling 206-984-4-FUN We're doing a little sit down comedy. Yeah, right.

Some comedy about the butt. We're standing up while we do it. Some people have called us with momentous occasions. Yeah, 206-984-4-FUN is the telephone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org is where you can send

your voice memos. Sonny D, Brian Fernandez, our able producer. That was kind of a gag. He laughed at it and he's right. He's not wrong to laugh.

Oh, someone would consider him able? Yeah. Brian, go ahead and play one of those clips. Brian's great. Who am I kidding? Hi, Jordan,

Jesse, and guess maybe Bernie Sanders. Can you pause it? Bernie Sanders. Did she think the guest was Bernie Sanders? I think so. People often call in and they try and

guess who the guest is going to be. Usually, you know, people will say, you know, Nick Adams or Chris Fairbanks, our regulars. Or, you know, they'll do a joke one and this may or may not be that. What would you say would be the premise of this joke? That we would allow a socialist on the show? No, thank you. That prospect is indeed laughable. that we would allow a socialist on the show? No, thank you. That prospect is indeed laughable.

You guys don't allow guests that have had heart attacks. That's the big joke. No, yes. No one with a coronary problem. They're not allowed in here. Because the show is so spicy. Letterman asked. We said no.

Get out. Out of here. Sorry. By the way, we have Gorka booked for next week. Sebastian Gorka. Sorry. By the way, we have Gorka booked for next week. Sebastian Gorka. Sorry. No, we don't have Gorka. Bernie Sanders is not a bad guy.

I think we would have, if Bernie Sanders offered, I mean, he went on Chapo Trap House, right? I don't know. It sounds about right. Yeah, I think Bernie went on Chapo Trap House. He went on with Joe Rogan. That guy's a monster. He'd probably do Come Town before he did us, though. Yeah, God. I like that you're like, if he offered.

Like, you would never seek it out. You're like, if he calls us. If he begged us and made it easy for us. If he wanted to do it during a time where we could do it. He's the one trying to build a political revolution. You can't build a political revolution without putting out a few feelers. He should do Jumbotron. He should do it. Bernie! We would do

Feel the burn, Botron. Yeah, that's a good one. Feel the burn, Botron. Feel the burn, Botron. I immediately pictured you trying to convince to vote for

Bernie Sanders, a named Votron. Come on, Votron. What was going on? What were we doing on our show? Do we still have a show? No. We haven't had a show in years. We've been dead since 2007.

We're down in H-E double hockey sticks. Yes. Do you go back to the call? Yeah, we'll go back to the call. Yes, sir. Thank you. I have a momentous occasion, kind of. I think Jesse might appreciate this one as a parent.

My nephew is four, and my sister is about six and a half, seven months pregnant. And he looked at her the other day and told her that she needed to eat more food so it would push his baby sister out so he could play with her. Yeah. All right, thanks, guys. Yeah, I mean, Rebecca, I think you can confirm that's how it works. Yeah, I ate a lot of food for nine months and then 11 more days

because my son was 11 days late, and then finally I pooped him out. Sure. All it took was one more I pooped him out. Sure. All it took was one more app sampler platter. Yeah. What do you get? Do you get a variety of dipping sauces? Oh, yeah. Barbecue sauce ranch.

But that's what I would drink because I figured more calories. Oh, that's smart. Just drink pure barbecue sauce. Yeah. Right. If you're trying to induce labor. Yeah. Honey mustard.

When my beautiful wife, Teresa, co-host of the One Bad Mother podcast, on which you've been a guest, when she was pregnant, she would just eat fishing weights to kind of push it down. The goal is just to push it down. Yeah. We actually... My husband would use a fishing pole and try to fish to get the baby out. Oh, that would be great. But just an old boot.

He's sort of upside down fishing. Yeah, just an old boot came out. Classic. Classic fishing mistake. It hurt, too. It hurt. Well, it's your fault for swallowing the boot in the first place. Yeah, but even just the hooks, that hurt.

Yeah, no, sure, you're right. You're right. That's fair. It's a when little known fact about birth he removed the barbs which was thoughtful but even yet and still it's still and the worms they're still in there yeah you know what it was your fault though for eating you should eat in a new boot oh right yeah yeah then I could have worn it. Wouldn't have had that problem. Wouldn't have had that problem. Hey, by the way. Yeah. Remember how last week I kind of issued an ultimatum to Lawthreeper?

Oh, sure. Yes. So Lawthreeper. Maybe this is something that we could explain to our listeners. To us all. He's one of our loyal listeners. He's over there on the MaxFun Reddit. He has kind of a goofy handle that I don't think anybody

can pronounce. The best we know, it's Lothreaper. Yeah, and then he signed up for Twitter as just Lothreaper. So he's rolling with it. He's one of our loyal fans. You know, far more loyal than Shrimpoo. Shrimpoo?

Shrimpoo? Yeah. Like ifoo? Shrimp? Shrimpoo. Shrimpoo? Shrimpoo. Yeah. Like if you were spelling it, the English language word shrimp in Japanese. Oh. Shrimpoo. Okay.

So Jesse- Like Suketo Bodo. For some reason last week that I forget, we were yelling at Lothreeper. Yeah. Well, because Lothreeper, I think, likes Alison Rosen more than he likes us. Sure. I get it. Of course! She's more talented than us! She's a better person than us! Great, good in everything.

Author? Here's the thing. Publish or perish. And I also said, I also fired Biggie in the Mets. It's another fan. It's another fan, because here's why. I remembered Biggie in the Mets. It's another fan. It's another fan because here's why. I remembered Biggie in the Mets changed

his name. It's not even Biggie in the Mets anymore. Oh no. That was the best thing about Biggie in the Mets. He's a nice guy. I met Biggie in the Mets in real life as well. But here's the thing. Loth Reaper comes crawling back. Oh boy. So his first reaction is I'm going to sass my way out of this.

He tries to sass me. Can't do it. Obviously, I'm not taking any sass from Lothreeper. Everyone knows you're unsassable. Thank you. Of course. Now, then he comes crawling back. Jesse, Jordan, you guys know I like you the best, right? No, I don't

know that. Okay? Number one, I don't know that. Number two, you're still fired, Lawthreeper! This is real, like, game. Did you read that book, The Game? Because that's how you're negging him right now. Hard, baby! Friends, this

is the dawning of the age of Curry Mango! Oh, is he the new best they? When I need to say the name of someone on Reddit who listens to Jordan Jesse go, from this point forth, it's a big Curry Mango. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I don't know what Curry Mango's pronouns are. Oh, and I mean, I think I've mentioned this, but I just want to make it official when I have to talk about a deep cut comic book character. I'm going Vandal Savage and not Booster Gold anymore. So that's settled as well. Curry, it's the era of Curry Mango and Vandal Savage. I'm so glad that I'm here for this. Yes, I'm sure this, I mean, what's probably fun about this for you is that it makes sense. Yeah.

It's not confusing. No. Yeah. I'm sticking with Firestorm the Nuclear Man and Mr. Mitzopitalik. Fair enough. Brian, do we have another call? Let's hear it. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests.

This is Nicholas from Wisconsin. I wanted to call in with a momentous occasion. This is Nicholas from Wisconsin. I wanted to call in with a momentous occasion. I was on my way driving to a wedding out of town, and what I saw was a motorcycle grandpa driving a three-wheeled motorcycle, and when he passed me, what I realized was riding on the back stood a shaggy white dog. I have a photo of it to prove this occasion,

and I will send that to you as soon as I can. Thanks. Bye. Did you get the photo, Brian? You did get the photograph? Yeah. Okay, because I was a little worried this was, what's that, bull plinky? Bull dinkies. Bull dinkies.

Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, wow. It's way better in real life than it was in his description. I am worried about the dog's safety. I am terrified for the dog. Yeah. It's a very wolf-like dog.

Are three-wheel motorcycles slower than regular ones? I don't know. I guess they've got to be a little safer, right? More wheels equals more safety? Yeah. Is there another type of motorcycle rider besides a motorcycle grandpa? Oh, yeah. Who's the youngest motorcycle rider?

I feel like motorcycles, for like a thing that symbolizes coolness in American culture, it is exclusively utilized by grandpas. It's got to be, right? Yeah. Who was the last cool motorcycle riding figure? You know, like who? Anyway. Rip Van Winkle? Rip Van Winkle, yes.

He rode it all the way. Through time. Through time. Yeah. I mean, the Fonz. The Fonz, sure. He's a grandpa. He was more of a joke about being cool. Yeah. I mean, the Fonz. The Fonz, sure. He's a grandpa. He was more of a joke about being cool.

Yeah. Evil can evil. Sounds like young people need a new motorcycle role model to get them on those bikes, get them on top of those hogs. They're just scooting on those birds. Right. I think that's what has replaced it in terms of the coolest dudes. They flip up their vegan leather jackets.

Right. Yes. Cruise down Santa Monica Boulevard flip up their leather, vegan leather jackets. Right. Yes. Cruise down Santa Monica Boulevard. We got to open up. You got to open up your app. Yeah. You got to reserve the bird scooter. Yeah.

And then you can cruise down Santa Monica Boulevard. Drop it in the middle of the sidewalk. Sure. Yeah. If we talked on this program about this. The Sopaboba. The strong brand preferences of cool young people for app-based last mile vehicles. No. Yeah.

I mean, I see these around a lot, but I don't know anything about the culture surrounding them. So there's- I don't like how quiet they are. I'm afraid I'm going to get hit by one. Yeah. So there's the scooters. There's big full-size bicycles, but they have- There's big full-size bicycles that are just bicycles – there's big full-size bicycles that are just bicycles.

There's big full-size bicycles with electric assists. The only one that I ever see cool teens riding is a bicycle with tiny wheels. Oh, yeah, I've seen those. Yeah, teens are pretty cool on those. Anyway. Teens can do anything cool. Yeah, that's the thing with being a teen. anyway teens can do anything cool yeah that's the thing with being teen fucking teens are out here being cool doing acid at church camp riding tiny wheel bicycle like that's like

like riding a tiny wheel bicycle is like what you would give someone as a task as a like herculean challenge of do try and be cool while you're doing this. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like just as he had to clean out those stables. Sure. Yeah. They you would if you wanted to give an impossible task to a teen, you'd say, well, you think you're a fucking hot shit.

Think you're going to live forever hunting. All teens think they're going to live forever. So you think you're going to live forever, huh, teen? All teens think they're going to live forever. Say, you think you're going to live forever, huh, teen? Well, I want to see you try and look cool on this bicycle with tiny wheels. Yeah, right. They're doing it. The purple trim that you preserve with an app. Purple bike with tiny dingy wheels.

There you go, teens. They're going around. And you're like, fuck, you look so fucking cool. Yeah, I threw out my car. It's like that. Do you remember when- To be more like them. Yeah.

It's probably, this is sounding like something a Cusco girl would do. Cuso? Visco girl? Visco girl. Yeah. Is this a Visco girl move? I don't know. I don't know exactly.

I have heard of Visco girls. I know they say certain things. I actually am on VSCO because someone told me to use it but I never use it. It's like a photo editing app but it also has social media. I'm sure. What's a

Cusco then? A Cusco, that's like a beer koozie. Oh, yeah. It's a company that makes them. They just make all the beer koozies. To be clear, that's a little white dog that belonged to my wife's boss. Oh. A koozco? That's probably what I think.

In the early 2000s when we would house it for her sometimes. Did that dog ride on the back of a three-wheel motorcycle? I hope not. It looks dangerous. It looks dangerous. So explain the app. And girls are on it and they're all wearing Vans, right? That's part of it?

Well, yeah. So I joined it a long time ago just to edit photos and then didn't realize that I was accidentally publishing them to this thing that I did. I was just like, oh, my friend was like, oh, use this to edit. So it's like a social media, like a different kind of Instagram. But I guess now it's girls who wear shirts that are like tie-dye or sweatshirts that are longer than their shorts and like Vans and they look kind of like surfer 90s girls. But I only know this like really peripherally.

Sure. And I guess they're popularized on TikTok, which is another app that I very much know little about. That's for switching between a regular face and a clown face. I know about that. All TikTok does. Yeah. Do you think that they would ride those little bikes?

Oh, they would surely ride those little bikes. I know about those Cusco girls because my therapist the other day was like, wait, you know about these Kuzco girls? I don't know what a Kuzco girl is. Your therapist? Did you just talk about social trends? Well, that's the thing. So she was like, what? Are you watching Amazon's The Boys?

It's just like, do we need another superhero thing? I don't know. Well, it's kind of a riff on it. Okay, maybe I'll check it out. She was just like, what? You don't know what that is? I know what that is. I was like, you're supposed to help me feel better.

Yeah, making you just feel out of it. Why did I get burned by my therapist for not knowing what a Crisco girl is? A Crisco girl. That's just when you rub yourself with just grease. It's girls who don't want to stick to the pan. Yeah. I hate sticking to the pan.

I'm sorry, I'm a lard lad. It's always happened. Is your therapist Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General? Yes. My therapist is Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General? Yes. Well. My therapist is Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General. Then I think that joke could have been sharper.

Come on, Jeffrey Ross. Don't phone it in in therapy. Call Morgan Murphy or something. She'll write something good for you. Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General. You got to have a little writer's room for those. I think I'm going to be honest with you guys.

I think a lot of stuff my therapist says could use some punch up. Sure. It's a little flat. It's just not, like the concepts are there usually

and once in a while there's a great punch line but a lot of times when there's a great punch line the setup isn't as clear as it could be and I feel like she's losing a lot

of the audience. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. My therapist used a lot of the audience. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. My therapist used to work in the entertainment industry and I'm slowly figuring out over the course of this year

how many mutual friends we have. Oh, wow. And I'm getting really scared that she's going to be like, we can't do this anymore because I really, really like her. And I even like, I'll, you know,

talk about regularship, but then I'll also kind of like talk about a script idea or something. And she will tell me, you know, that show reminds me of this. Or we'll like work together. I'm like, I can't lose this resource. She's like a writing coach and also my therapist. But yeah, we have too many friends in COVID.

You're going to run into her at a birthday party at Covell. Yes. My old therapist. It's a very good reference if you don't live in COVID. You're going to run into her at a birthday party at Covell. Yes. My old therapist. It's a very good reference if you don't live in LA. My old. You would run into somebody at a birthday party. My old therapist was a distant, old-timey therapist man. Like, not with little glasses.

Like, I didn't lie on a bed. But besides that, he just never said anything and would just wait for me to make a mistake and then point it out. That was basically his therapeutic technique. It was intense. It took probably two years before I had any insights. And then at the end of two years, I was like, oh, fuck. He just broke me apart and put me back together again. But then he retired to ride a sailboat.

So I had to get a new therapist. That's the dream. I had to get a new therapist. So I had to get a new therapist. That's the dream. I had to get a new therapist. And my concern about my new therapist is, like, my therapist is too close to a person I would be friends with in real life. She's 10 or 15 years older than me.

She's like grown kids. kids but like early on in therapy I was talking about something and I don't have to justify to you guys why I was talking about Chris Elliott doing the banana dance in therapy sure yeah bring him up wherever I was there and Chris Elliott

did this Letterman thing where he was dressed as Marlon Brando and he did a dance and he went bananas and he threw some bananas around you should watch it on youtube and uh i i started i needed to talk about it to explain something and i said well you know chris elliott was on letterman and he did this this is in like therapy session five or something it was on letterman and he did this thing called a banana dance and she she goes, oh, yeah, I love the banana dance. I was like, you're supposed to be, you're supposed to sit in judgment of me. Right.

Sure. I don't know if I can trust someone who likes things that are good. Yeah. And then still tells you opinions. Yeah. She's just supposed to like boats or gardening or something. She's supposed to have wisdom. Chimes.

Wind chimes. Wind chimes. Exactly. Yeah. That's exactly what she should be interested in. Pictures of the beach. Sure. Yeah.

Quotes. Anyway. Yeah. Therapists, huh? We need them. Our lives are falling apart. That's true. Can't live with them because you're not allowed

Otherwise they would It's a necessary service Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Biopic. No, you dingus! It's biopic! Who the hell says that? It's biopic! It's the words for biography and picture. All right, that is enough. Ahoy! I'm Dave Holmes. I am the host of the rebooted podcast formerly known as International Waters, designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this.

How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course. Winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this? It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree! Listen, I'm a hotshot Hollywood movie producer. You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea.

Go. All right. It's called Who Shot Ya?, a movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes. I'm Ify Whiteyway, the new host of the show and a certified BBN. BBN? Buff Black Nerd. I'm Alonzo Doraldi, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies. I'm Drea Clark, a loud white lady from Minnesota.

Each week, we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry. It's like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner meets Cruising. And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles while we record each episode. I'm sorry, this is a podcast? I'm a movie producer. How did you get in here? Iffy, quick, start flexing. Bicep, lats, chest. Who shot you? Dropping every Friday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, And it didn't go well. What kind of fat were you using in there? Like a canola oil? Earth's best fake butter. Marge. Some marge. And oat milk. So it tasted like real non-textured oatmeal. Went right in the trash. Wow. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

No, I just threw it right out. What's the best vegan side, would you say? I don't even know. I'm not really vegan. I just was like, oh, I'm going to make it without dairy. I've been trying to not have dairy. Getting prepared for season four of Glow to try to slim down a little before I get my spandex back on. And so I was like, oh, I'll just make it vegan. And no, wrong.

Yeah. Well, that shows, yeah. Serves you right. Serves me right for trying. And no, wrong. Okay. Yeah. Well, that shows, yeah. Serves you right. Serves me right for trying. Serves you right. I need to gain some pounds for that space. Hey, speaking of glow, you're on it with beloved Jordan, Jesse Goh, regular guest, Kimmy Gatewood.

Yeah. Jesse, we were talking about TV the other day. TV shows. Yeah. Prestige TV, streaming TV, binging the whole nine yards. Yeah. Story arcs, season long, what have you. What apps are you on?

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I think my reaction these days to like a new streaming darling is to watch one or two episodes of it, to admire it and understand what Crab Catchers, and they move into the studio, and Amy Sedaris has a tattoo of a seatbelt over her boob that she put there so she could drive topless. I can see why you watch that over and over again. I just, you know, but I make a couple of exceptions for new hot TV shows. I'm not trying to interrupt you.

I'm just thinking about Amy Sedaris and how cool she is. That's a great episode. Remember on Kimmy Schmidt when she was running towards that carpet? And then while she was running, Shannon from 30 Rock said, no shoes on the carpet. And she just threw her shoes to the side while she was running and then she went on the carpet yeah that's good

oh fuck anyway but I make a couple of exceptions there are some shows that I watch all of like a modern person yeah I'll do a secession I'll do a fleabag and I do a glow

I watch every single episode I love it. It's so funny. You're so funny on it. It's a delight. And if people don't watch it already, they should check it out. Even if you don't like wrestling. I'm not a big wrestling fan.

That maybe prevented me from starting it for a while. But then I started it. I'm like, oh, I love this. Yeah, it's a fun show. I mean, I wasn't a huge wrestling fan before it. But then it made me like wrestling. Oh, I love this. Yeah, it's a fun show. I mean, I wasn't a huge wrestling fan before it, but then it made me like wrestling. Oh, yeah. Do you go to or consume wrestling now? Yeah, I went to a couple live events like WWE SmackDown and Raw.

Those are the two big ones. Yeah, and then we went to the Mae Young Classic, which was like a competition of female wrestlers for WWE. They actually brought us out to Vegas to go to that. Cool. And I got to meet a bunch of wrestlers. But once I started doing GLOW, then I was just so pumped about learning this new thing that I started watching it. And so for, I'd say, the first two years, I really was still watching it, even when we weren't shooting and everything. And then I sort of fell off, which is crazy because then i've been on wrestling podcasts and like talked about that

i'm like a fan of it and then now i don't watch anymore so probably everyone's like she's a poser but i did really really like it for two years and then i'll still catch up on it yeah and i follow a lot of wrestlers on twitter so i know or i mean on instagram like all these female wrestlers i follow on instagram so i know what's going on with them like when you watch a wrestling do you kind of know what they're doing can you like pick it apart are you like oh good clothesline yeah can you like critique it a little bit yeah one of the main things that happens like in wrestling like in WWE is that um a lot of times they don't really show that they're in pain so like what we're taught is you know you're working together doing this like stunt work but one of the thing is is you make the other person look strong

by selling the pain and a lot of times like we went to see it and they just don't sell the pain because i think they all want to be like seeming strong but if someone like socks you in the gut then you got to be like oh and then that makes it even more believable. So it's funny, like, that stuff I noticed. But I also know, like, a lot of the moves. So I know what all the moves are that they're doing. And some of them I can do. Yeah, you guys have to, like, do wrestling shit.

Yeah, we do all our own stunts. So I went from being just, like, a mush who basically didn't work out. I had a one and a half year old and I lied in the audition was like, I'm very athletic. And then I went into like wrestling. We wrestled five days a week for a month and then wrestled always on our days off from shooting. And I had like tendinitis in my knees within two weeks of starting and just like my neck was in pain like season one i was just covered in ice all the time and then i decided to work out occasionally between seasons in in addition to watching wrestling i was like let me

i've prepared my mind how let's prepare these abs. Now it's time. My instrument. Keep my instrument in tune. So now I do a little bit of working out so that I can get back in the ring. And then each season it's not as bad. Yeah, just putting them in the trash. That takes some strength. To make something, stir it, and throw it right into the trash. Yeah. What's your top wrestling move?

The old slap-a-ding-dong? The Oklahoma roll. Yeah. That's your top wrestling move? The old slap-a-ding-dong? The Oklahoma roll. Yeah. That's really the new one. That's like a California roll with a tumbleweed in the middle, right? Yeah. Instead of cream cheese. Instead of crab meat, fake crab meat.

Someone would be on all fours, and I would take your arm and kind of do a little leg twisty around it and then flip through you and then pin you. It's hard to explain, but I promise that's what the Oklahoma – I really love doing it. It's really fun. My favorite lady wrestler is called Lil Debbie, and I love her Swiss rolls. Sure. Oh, they're so good. They're devastating. Absolutely devastating.

I like those things with the Rice Krispies in them. What are those? It's kind of a flat chocolate thing. It's got Rice Krispies and I think caramel in the middle. Oh, boy. Wait, so this is a baked thing? It's a Little Debbie. It's a Little Debbie.

That sounds really good. It's like a Star Crunch. That's your favorite wrestling move? That's my favorite wrestling move, yes. Oh my gosh. What about a take five? Ugh. I get it. Nougat. Craving. I'm craving one.

Right after I kill Spider-Man. Right after I kill Spider-Man. Speaking of your glow castmate and our friend, Kimmy Gatewood. Kimmy Gatewood. You're actually producing a podcast with Kimmy these days. What is the nature of this podcast? So Kimmy has a podcast called Mother of All Shows.

And it's an anthropological look into motherhood with a comedic twist. Titty twist. Now, I wrote that joke, but Kimmy is always the one who gets to say it because she's the host of the show. So I'm not like the executive producer of it, but I'm helping produce segments and I write her little jokes and copy

and do research and help along with her, the other people that work on the show. But it's so much fun, and it just came out. So it's mother of all shows. And so Kimmy and I became moms at the same time, and I was trying to have a baby forever and then eventually got pregnant and had a baby.

Kimmy was not trying at all, boned her husband once, boom, pregnant. The first time, huh? The first time they ever had sex. Yeah. Wow. And so she was like freaking the fuck out. He was probably pretty backed up at that point.

Yeah. They'd been married a while. It was probably a real, real fight. Yeah. A lot of tahini in that. A lot of tahini. Yeah. Yeah.

Somebody get the pita. We had different takes on Becoming Moms. So now it's fun. She brings me on as a panelist and she brings on other guests and experts and tackles a new subject each time. And so it's called The Mother of All Shows. Are there any sexperts on there? Only me. Cool.

Hell yeah. She knows a little bit about TV. Yes. That's what I sound like when I cum. You sound like one of the nerd extras from Saved by the Bell. Thank you. Weren't they the best? They were great.

I was just going to say a raccoon with glasses. Sure, yeah. That was one of the extras on Saved by the bell. Thank you. Weren't they the best? They were great. I was just going to say a raccoon with glasses. Sure, yeah. That was one of the extras on Save the Bell. I'm so scared. Look what I can do with my cuffs. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez

is the producer of our program. That's him laughing outside the booth. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com Where you can meet the one The only

The man, woman, or non-binary person The legend Curry Mango MaximumFun.reddit.com is where you can do that You can like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook And you can follow us on Twitter At Jesse Thorne and at Jordan Underscore Morris

Where you can get Jordan's carefully curated feed of perfect humor jokes. Do not look in my timeline for hummus recommendations. Sharp, sharp, sharp stuff. Okay. What? I'm so scared. Non-swear word word was used in your family. Call us.

206-984-4FUN. Voicemail memo S at JJ. Go at MaximumFun.org. And I want to make something clear. Double points for nannies and memos. Yeah. If you can get nanny or memo on the phone. If you can get Pop Pop on there, get him on there.

Pop Pop's got a smartphone. This is 2019, baby. Is Gang Gang there? Get her on.. Pop-Pop's got a smartphone. It's 2019, baby. Is Gang-Gan there? Get her on. Gamma. Hello? Hello? Telephone call for Gamma.

I'd like you to use a word that's not quite a swear word, please. Yes, I'll accept the charges. It's me, Pep-Pop. Pep-Pop. Hello, I'm Pep-Pop. Oh, Pep-Pop, I'm so happy I married you. Why do you talk like this, too? The weird thing is that I say fuck, but I mean shit.

Okay, we'll talk to you next time. I'm going to take a fuck. Yes, you go.