Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 609: Cobracabana with Eliza Skinner

Episode Date: November 5, 2019

Eliza Skinner (Cool Playlist podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the various activities Jesse planned for the kids this weekend, Eliza's hobby of knitting during American Horror Story, and the time Jordan unintentionally became a Barry Manilow fan.  Action Item: send in flirty pictures of your pet for the JJGo Pet Contest! Post them with the hashtag #JJGoPet on Twitter or Instagram and win some cat shirts!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Activity Dad, Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Cram so many fucking activities into one weekend, Jordan, holy shit. What are we talking, skeet shooting? Just today. Uh-huh.

We record this, I mean, peek behind the curtain, but we record this i mean peek behind the curtain but we record this on sunday evenings today that's a fun peak today yeah well and there's a unicorn whoa peek behind the curtain the unicorn is just a goat with one horn where the two horns grew into one horn yes come on man i said we a peak, not a gawk. Today, I went. I had two of my three children. My wife took one of our children, our middle child, Oscar, to the Bay Area for a baby shower. In a bread bowl.

He's a very young father. At five, it's really remarkable. So let me guess. Activities. ATVs. ATVs. That's one. Flip cup. Rightities. ATVs. That's one. Flip cup. Right.

And hang gliding. No, the third was mumbledy peg. Mumbledy peg. The thing where you put the knife between the fingers. Is that what mumbledy peg is? I think it is. I think that's what mumbledy peg is. The thing where you put the knife between the fingers.

I guess I know. I guess I'm aware that mumbledy peg is something, but I always assumed it was some sort of like- Adorable thing? Yeah, like a turn of the century game where like an orphan throws a garbage can at a cobbler. It's like calling stabbing eyes cutie pies. Sure, yeah. What do you call stabbing eyes if not cutie pies?

Our guest, comedian, writer, podcaster, occasional rapper, Eliza Skinner. Hi, it's me. Eliza Skinner. Yeah. Wearing a jumpsuit from Target. Hey, man, don't tell the people my secrets. I'm sorry. A jumpsuit from an exclusive boutique.

It is a jumpsuit from Target. Man, I was blown away when you told me that Target's selling jumpsuits now. It is selling jumpsuits now, and I've done a little alteration with some bleach on this. Fun. Lightened her up a bit because I wanted to give her my own flavor. That's fun. Thank you. You've got to customize.

Eliza's also wearing a contemporary style sneaker of a sort that I am afraid to wear. Are you? They're Fila's. No, these are adorable sneakers. You look like a sort that I am afraid to wear. Are you? They're Fila's. These are adorable sneakers. You look like a million dollars, Eliza. Thanks. I don't want anyone to make any mistakes here, but they're the chunky kind of sneaker that cool people started wearing a few years ago. And it's one of the first things where I'm like, I don't think I can.

Well, for me, it's a real feminine look. For me, it's a real paw. Oh, yeah. It makes the foot look short and tall like a paw. Yeah. So I'm like, look at me. I'm a little kitty cat and some feelers. Are you worried? Making biscuits with your feelers. Eliza, are you worried

that you're conforming to, you know, society's prevailing beauty standards who want all women to have paw-like feet. I'm not worried about it at all. Okay. I am agreeing with it. Because it's like, you know, guys,

sometimes society's right. Yes. Have cute, round, little, tiny feet and hands with sharp blades. That's, I think, the ideal woman, and that's what I'm going for. We probably should have mentioned the blades. Yeah. I feel like we left out the blades.

Okay, so let me tell you, Jordan, real quick what the activities were. It's real, that henchman from Kingsman situation. I did multiple activities yesterday, and I do not remember what they were. But today. Okay. Museum. Today is Sunday. Butterfly Pavilion?

Museum. So my two children that were in my home. There was no museum. So it was a good guess. Oh, okay. So you don't care about culture in your house. My two children that were in my house, my eight-year-old and my two-and-a-half-year-old, both woke up at 5.20. Sure.

Just ready to fucking rock. You got to put on a pot of coffee, then you got to punch the clock down at the old factory. Were they, like, tuning up and everything? No, they had already tuned up. That's why they were ready. They weren't almost ready to rock. So you woke up to an earth-shattering chord. When they do their soundchecks, they play a lot of Stooges songs.

Now, you won't find those on any of their albums, but if you're like a friend of the band, you can come early to the soundcheck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a rehearsal tape. Yeah, and hear raw power. Sit on an amp. So they woke up at 520. I, like, by the time, like, it was 6.40 and I,

everything, all morning activities. So you had to run amok for an hour and 20 minutes. All morning activities had been done. Oh no. So,

all breakfasting, all getting dressed, all taking showers. It's my morning activity. BMs, the whole nine yards had been dealt with

and I looked at the clock and it was 6.45 or something. And so we went to the flea market. We drove to Long Beach, went to the flea market, made it through a couple hours in the flea market, despite the fact that it turned out that the stroller was in my wife's car, which was in the Bay Area. Did anybody get a flea market allowance? Yes.

So we made a number of flea market purchases. They have to do their own negotiating. Okay. Gaga has a hard time saying numbers above five. Yeah, you got to walk away. And then that was in Long Beach, California, in the southern part of Los Angeles. And every time I drive to the Long Beach flea Market, I drive past this giant equestrian center. One thing about Los Angeles is it's so big.

That is true. That there are. That is true. But like there are just parts. As opposed to New York, which is small, baby. It's so small over here. I'm walking here. It's tiny.

I'm already at the end of it over here. It's all in walking distance. Say pizza. But there's like places in los angeles that decided what they were in 1918 and have never flipped sure what horse country over here yeah so there's like a giant equestrian center in long get a garbage can lid and throw it in a cobbler there's a whole horse district of burbank hey i don't think we call it that anymore. Okay. Sorry. It's called Little Italy. Sorry.

I'm kidding. And so there's this equestrian center, this giant equestrian center. They're called centaurs and they're beautiful. And it's like, it's not a fancy one. Long Beach is like a middle class port city. You know what I mean? It's a working fancy one. Long Beach is like a middle class port city. You know what I mean?

It's a working class horse hood. It is. I mean, it really was. And I noticed. Horses are like doing their laundry outside, hanging them on lines from place to place. I noticed that horse babies sleep in. I got to go back home before it gets dark to eat my mom's horse spaghettis. Drawers from a chest of drawers that have been pulled out and the little banners put in there.

I remember the old neighborhood. When it's hot, they sleep out on the fire escape. I saw a sign for pony rides. Like a genuine sign for pony rides? Yeah, at the flea market, I typed into my thing, pony rides, you know, to make sure that it was legitimate. And it was genuine? And it was genuine, yes. Okay, cool.

Was that intended from the get-go or is that something? Oh, fantastic. Yeah. Fantastic. They got it at the booth. Got it. It was actually, when we got there, though, the internet had said genuine. It turned out to be Mary J. Blige.

Oh, okay. All right. Well, that'll happen sometimes. Long Beach. At least we didn't have to worry about hateration. we got there though the internet had said genuine it turned out to be mary j blige oh yeah all right well that'll happen sometimes long beach at least we didn't have to worry about hateration yeah so you did so flea market pony rides pony rides we did the pony rides pony rides pony so my daughter rejected pony rides immediately upon me mentioning it then i I brought it up again. Before she even saw the ponies? Yeah. Oh, 100%. Just conceptually. All new. Here's the thing about children.

Oh, tell me. All new activities are rejected out of hand. Right. Yeah. 100%. The only way to get a child to do basically anything other than eat ice cream. Trick them. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Is to, or like the main trick that I use is just start doing the thing in a way that suggests there isn't another choice. Uh-huh. Or what can you, can you do like a, I'm enjoying this, you're not allowed to do it sort of thing that makes them jealous? Or is that too much manipulation? I'm going to sit on this grownups pony. That's for big kids, not babies.

Sorry, babies can't get on the ponies. Have I told you about when I was offered a pony when I was a kid? Hey, hold up! This family that worked on a farm that we were friends with, we went to visit them one time and they were like, hey, we have a pony for you. Do you want this pony? Did you grow up in farm country, Eliza? No, I grew up in Richmond, Virginia, but farm country was very close by.

Right. And my mom is like from Virginia, so she did. So the family was my Aunt Marty. Sure. Yeah. Okay. And they were like, yeah, do you want this pony? And I was like, I'm good, no thank you.

And they were like, are you sure you're an eight-year-old girl? And I was like, and yet, no, no thank you to your weird offer. And they were like, well, sure you're an eight-year-old girl? And I was like, and yet, no. No, thank you to your weird offer. And they were like, well, come outside and meet the pony, girl. You will want this. And they were like, here it is. And it was this huge pony. And they were like, once again, for you. And I was like, and again, no, thank you.

And I'm the only child. I'm entirely too busy with my studies. Exactly. I'm the only child who was like, gross, no thanks. Yeah, can you think of- And then, wait. Oh, yes. Like a month later, Pony died.

Oh, wow. And my mom said, you know that Pony died? Because it didn't have a little girl to love it. Holy shit! Your mom didn't say that. She did. And that is how you make a comedian. Yes.

Wow. All true. Okay. That horse was way too big. It was like a big furry dinosaur. No, thank you. Yes. Wow. All true. Okay. That horse was way too big. It was like a big furry dinosaur. No, thank you. Uh-uh. I don't understand why kids love horses.

Anyway, your kid. Yeah. Also not a horse fan. Pony fan. Now, how many horses did your daughter kill by not loving them at the flea market? I mean, the whole little pony ride apparatus, they all just drop dead. One of the things about my daughter is there's this whole universe of media about being a transgender girl. And often it's all about how much I always knew because I knew I was a princess and loved pink dresses. It's all still really hard gender things.

It's just like, eh, everybody got their own rules. And God bless those children who figure out that they're transgender through those means. Through ponies and unicorns. My daughter basically only likes robots. So now she's into monster movies, which gives her something to talk to Elliot Kaelin about. But yeah, so she is not interested in any kind of frilly girly stuff. She likes to wear a dress. She likes to wear a dress. She likes to wear pretty clothes.

But mostly she likes robots and stuff. All right. And so she was not into – she's not into any of these things. She's not a horse girl. She doesn't know any horse girls. It's like – I feel like it's the little girl version of a gambling addiction. Uh-huh. I feel like it's the little girl version of a gambling addiction. It's this unexplainable need that is very deep.

And they're like, I can't get around a horse. It's everything once I'm around one. And I cannot relate to it. Just one more horse, then I'll quit. Yeah, that's it. Got to look at the ponies. Yeah, yeah. I got a good feeling on this one. Is that why when you're in Reno outside the casino, you just see 57-year-old men cantering.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And drawing pictures of horses. I think that's because the casinos have asbestos in them. Okay. He's been driven mad.

So my daughter, after like an hour and a half at the flea market, I brought it up early in the flea market visit. Later on, I brought it up again. She said no again. And then she said, wait, no. I think yes. Oh. Which was good because my two and a half year old had overheard. I knew that my two and a half year old would be down for whatever.

But the eight year old, I wasn't sure. Down for whatever or down for whatever the eight year old's down for? Well, if Ginny whines around. Okay. I mean, that guynywine's around. Okay. I mean, that guy is yoked. Sure, yeah. Your two-year-old's a freak is what you're saying? Yeah.

Oh, great, great. Yeah, this freak comes out at 5.20 in the morning. Yeah. But right to bed at nine, right to bed at nine. Looking for a toaster pastry. Very too sleepy. So I knew he had overheard about the pony, and he was immediately, yes, I want to ride a pony. This whole time?

But then I managed to do, well, the thing is, he was a two and a half year old. You can kind of like talk around it and then they'll forget it. Yeah. So he had forgotten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I knew that she would object. So I had tried to avoid him hearing it at all. But he overheard it and got into it.

And then she gave it a hard no. And then I had to back out of it. And then later I had to kind of corner her with him off to the side and be like, hey, what happened was, I was like, how do you feel about the P-O-N-Y? And she kept saying words that were not pony. She was like, Patty? Oh, like trying to work it out? Yeah.

Like, oh, right. She's eight. Her spelling is not that strong. Yeah. This is actually a pretty advanced spelling task. Did you go for H-O-R-S-E? No, I probably should have.

Yeah. I probably should have. So in the end, she changed her mind and went to this place. How do you feel about the E-Q-U-E-S-T-E-R-I-A-N-A-C-T-I-V-I-T-Y? The equestrian activity? I feel great about it. We all know.

We all know. I know. You guys are big kids. And you read chapter books. Did you see E-Q-U-U-S on Broadway? I heard you see Daniel Radcliffe's dead. Yeah, it's D-I-C-K. Please, Jesse.

So we went to the equestrian center, and what was great about it was, I mean, do either of you have any pony ride experience? I'm sure I've— Like pony ride, like around in a circle, or like riding a horse? I'm talking about mostly around in a circle. No. No. So the pony ride situation is generally takes place.

I rode a camel one time. Oh, shit. Actually, a couple times. Multiple times? Yeah. They swish their spit around in their mouth the whole time. Like, it's very threatening. Where?

Where were you camel riding? Well, the first time it was at the zoo in London. Okay. And then also in Egypt. Wow. Seems like the place to do it. That's the, yeah, sure. Yeah.

Well, and that's, what reminded me of it was one at the zoo because it's the same sort of thing where the animal's like, okay, do it. Just get on me. Get on me. I have to get home, get some alfalfa at some point. I walk in the same fucking place that I just have a hundred times. We had done it once before and it was at a pumpkin patch in a Target parking lot. And that is the general vibe of most pony rides. These are essentially carnival folk who like lost their pig race in a bet.

Do they still have those rides where you like put a quarter in and you're on like an aluminum pony and it just kind of goes... There's that awful speaker going... That kind of thing? Yes. Okay. Do kids still like those? Yes, but it's not as much of a thing as it used to be.

Mostly they're kind of sad and broken. If I knew a place that had those and could support my weight, I think I would probably dump a tremendous amount of money. You know they're like, I got dollars now. Nobody decides what I do with my quarters. Eliza, you know that we have one in the front room of this. It doesn't move. It just sits there. It does move if you plug it in.

What are we doing in here? It's got a timer. Well, also, you have to get in that one. I like one that you're on top of so you can make a break for it anytime you need to. Yeah, that's true. You don't want to need to escape. For the at-home listener, ours is a rocket ship. Yeah, you have to squish into it.

But it is a real one. And if you're a grown-up, you do kind of have to squish into it. But this was not that. This was nice 15-year-old girls who looked like they represented the city of Long Beach. They weren't like those like girls in the little helmet, like blonde girls in little helmets. You know what I'm talking about? Like with braids? Like would be in the Olympics jumping horses over little rivers.

Like English style? Yeah. There was no. These were just regular teens from Long Beach. They do this in like wakeboarding or something. Yeah, and they were so nice. Everybody was so nice. It was so chill.

There was like a place where you feed alfalfa pellets to a goat. Classic. And my daughter rode on a very nice horse named Mo. And my son rode on a horse named Socks. And the woman just handed, you know. It's an ironic thing to name a horse. Well, it had, well, because they're shoes. They wear shoes famously with no socks.

Yeah, that's true. Maybe they're showing, for when they go boating. It's the East Coast collegiate boating look. Maybe they're wearing no shoes. That would be, so if there was a guy, you a guy at Yale with you, always in boating shoes, and his friends all called him Socks, it'd be an ironic nickname. That's true. I got to lead Socks with my two-and-a-half-year-old on it.

So the teenage girl— You know he did something weird and he was pledging that fraternity, too. Right. Yeah, sure. Something to a pony. Yeah. sure. There's something to a pony. Yeah, sure. To slash with a pony. And he probably didn't have to because he was probably a legacy kid.

Anyway, sorry, go ahead. Yeah, listen, this guy's jacked off on a pile of alfalfas. I think what we're all dancing around. Last one has to eat it. Oh, yes. When you're eighth on the steeplechase team. Old Sox Benson.

Never get off the bench. He's riding on the Simpsons now yep for sure yeah oh god this industry yeah so it was i'll jack hey i'll do it i'll i'll jack off on a pile of alfalfa to write a freelance episode of bob's burgers it's too late it's too late jordan no sorry my chance is over yep yeah you see santa cruz Yeah, I just jacked off into a bog for nothing. Well, not that I didn't get shit out of it. Well, you just have to show your student ID for access to the archives of the Grateful Dead. Hey, there you go, kid.

You know what? That's a positive. That's a positive. And Lost Boys. That's true. I did get to see filming locations from the 1980s vampire romp Lost Boys. And us. And us, too. Yeah. locations from the 1980s vampire romp lost boy when someone refers when someone and us too yeah so now there's two movies that oh god i'm sure you've been there huh to santa yeah recently uh

no god all of the things that used to be like lost boys here is now like us here that's what i like lost boys faded behind it what about us yeah no we're not into you. We're into us. Times are a changing. Who's on first? I know. Yeah. When I went to see Us and they're like, we're going to Santa Cruz. I'm like, oh boy, Santa Cruz is being so fucking obnoxious about this. I can tell.

They are currently talking about it right now. Right there in Logos Books and Music. Yeah. Sure. Everyone on Ocean Avenue. logos books and music yeah sure all everyone on ocean avenue uh does that movie does that movie have that caveman on the gondola at the beach boardwalk who sits with his arm around you it might yeah i think that caveman might be in the movie and caveman fucking rules i'm gonna be honest i haven't seen us i'm scared of it because it's scary it is scary but it's not it's not too many

jumps well no it does have some jump scares it has some jump scares and some mirror scares which always get me so anyway we went to this nice course walk maybe it's because I'm afraid of myself

oh god breakthrough is that what you do in the show oh yeah you just bullshit for a little while and then you realize something about yourself

and then you pee in your pants and hope nobody notices that sounds like therapy yeah I fed some alfalfa to a llama. That was cool. Great. What was the llama named?

Don't know. Don't know. Oh, so you fed the llama and you didn't even get its name. Yeah, well, I got its number. Would you put it in your phone as llama? It just says cute llama. So just a wham, bam, thank you, llama. Cute llama Long Beach, it says.

How many other llamas are in your phone? You couldn't just put in llama? Yeah, I mean, some of them are hot llamas. Oh, boy. Yeah. Ugh. Llama, llama, no pajamas. Lilfs.

Llamas I'd like to feed. That's what I meant. Lilfas. Llamas I'd like to feed alfalfa. No, it's alfalfa pellets. It's lilfaps. Lilfas. Llamas I'd like to feed alfalfa. No, it's alfalfa pellets. It's lilfaps. Lilfaps. Oh, that sounds disgusting.

I don't know what it means, but it sounds. Lilfaps. And then I went to, speaking of Elliot Kalin this afternoon. We weren't. You're Elliot Kalin obsessed. You're talking about him. Well, he was talking about how nice it was that we talked about him with Rob Corddry. Sure. And now we're talking about it. He was talking about how nice it was that we talked about him with Rob Corddry. Sure.

And now we're talking about it again. I went to his house to swim in his unheated pool. That's nice. This guy's got an unheated pool. It was very refreshing, exciting. Bracing? Brisk? Bracing.

And then we walked on the hillside by his house. Are you in love? Yeah. Sounds romantic. Well, our children were also there. 20 minutes of this show every week is now about Elliot Kalin, another podcast host. He doesn't talk about us on his show. This is very one-sided.

Found a predator's jawbone. We can't talk about Elliot Kalin until they do. Sometimes Dan talks about us. Well, let's talk about Dan then. Well, we went to dinner with Dan. It was really nice. Oh, my gosh. You're making yourself look too available.

You got to be... The point is I found a predator's mandible. Okay. Yeah. So, that's great. It's science. Wait, wait, wait. The predator's mandible?

Yeah. That's a pretty famous mandible. Because then I'm impressed. We're just talking like a coyote. I don't care. It's even more impressed. What was he doing uncloaked? Well, I think when a mandible falls off, it probably doesn't remain cloaked.

Do you think predators shed mandibles? Maybe if he gets punched in the face or something. Yeah, gets hit by a trap. Looks shit on everybody. One of Schwarzenegger's traps. Yeah. That's a fair point. If you're a predator, I mean, that's the normal thing.

Nobody lives a charmed life, not even a predator. That's true. I mean, here's what you do. You see. If you're a predator, I mean, that's a normal thing. Nobody lives a charmed life, not even a predator. That's true. I mean, here's what you do. You see the predator on Instagram and you're like, oh, you got a mane. Look at this great life she has. Yeah. Yeah, it's perfect. Oh, wow.

You found just the right ceramics from Palm Springs. Look at those beautiful trophies on the wall of your spaceship. You were able to kill a xenomorph. Yeah, yeah. This predator doesn't have a care in the world, not like my life. Right. That predator, looking at your Instagram, thinking the same thing. Thinking the same thing.

Thinking the same thing. Boy, what a great lesson we've learned. So let's have a little empathy for the predator. You've got a lot of therapy to not eat. This is really nice. God, I'd love to have a beautiful painting. It's my favorite Rolling Stones song, by the way, Empathy for the Predator. I'd love to have a beautiful painting of the predator on that gondola

at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with his friend the caveman. Well, yeah, you know when there were only one set of footprints? That was because the predator had cloaked himself. Okay. So, you know. A lot of people don't know that

Jesus was a predator. I mean, a lot of people do know that also, though. That's true. I think wars have been waged on that idea. Hey, should we talk about these cat shirts? Let's take a break. Okay. When we come back, we'll talk about the cat shirts.

I'm joining Jessica. Let's take a break. Okay. We will come back. We'll talk about the cat shirts on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la detective. You know, every episode of Jordan, Jesse Go is brought to you by all our friends who are Maximum Fun members at MaximumFun.org slash donate. We also have somebody up on the Jumbotron this week with a message from a listener for a listener. It's a message from Joe for Sue. So here's the message. Joe, I hope you're- Dylan Miskovitz. Dylan Miskovitz. Dylan Miskovitz, not involved. No.

He has found his director of coffee. Yeah. Joe, I hope your birthday this year will be a momentous occasion. Best of luck with your performance next week. I know you're going to crush it. Love, Sue. You know what? Sue sounds like she fucking rules.

Yeah. I can only assume that this performance is a sexual one. Good luck with your performance. I hope you don't get whiskey dick. Yeah. Just don't, you know, have enough to drink to loosen you up, but not so much that you're going to pass out there, Joe. Yeah.

And hey, if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, Jesse, how do they get up there? Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. Hey, Jordan. Yes. You know, I own the vintage goods store Put This On Shop. Putthisonshop.com. It's a great place to buy holiday gifts for your beloved. And no matter who your beloved may be,

some people think it's just for fancy lads. I mean, it's great for fancy lads. Don't get me wrong, but regular Joes and Sallys can get in there as well. Why not hop on in there, normal Robin? Sure. Go ahead. And because you are a Jordan Jesse Go listener, use the code TUPPIES, T-U-P-P-I-E-S, and you will get free shipping on your entire order on almost everything in the entire store at PutThisOnShop.com.

We also have some new shirts right around the corner in the MaxFunStore. Yeah, we've got a couple of new Jordan Jesse Go shirts coming at you for the holiday season. Keep an eye on MaxFunStore.com to get some cool new Jordan Jesse Go shirts with fun designs and references to jokes that we don't remember the origin of. Baffle your colleagues

with the new Jordan Jesse Go merchandise available now at MaxFunStstore.com. What's that, a band, they'll say? Or possibly available very soon. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Eliza Skinner, animatronic banana. Oh, shit. Yeah. I clank when I eat. What does an animatronic banana eat? More bananas. Yes. The other bananas are afraid of me, and they should be.

That's true. Because they've never... They're just confused. Maybe there's the uncanniness of looking at a robot version of themselves. That for sure would have been something I would see in an amusement park. A banana eating another... An animatronic banana eating bananas. If there's any Imagineers listening...

That's the kind of like... Send Eliza $1,000. The kind of light grade horror that I think runs through all theme parks. Sounds like Star Wars Galaxy's Edge just went from a B plus to an A plus. Yeah. That sounds like something you'd see at Black Spire Outpost. It's a real Easter egg, except it's an Easter banana. Oh, shit. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Eliza except it's an Easter banana. Oh, shit, yeah.

Fuck yeah, Eliza Skinner's here, folks. To celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who was a predator. Excuse me, the Predator. You can't kill the Predator. That's the thing. You can't kill the Predator. That's true. P is risen.

Yeah. The last temptation of Predator. Sure. It was a banana. Long may he hunt the xenomorph. Alien versus Jesus. Whoever wins, we lose. What a fun riff.

I hope we're right about there being no God. Yeah. This will be fun if this is what we get in trouble for. I think God's yucking it up. Okay, cool. We end up in some waiting room after we die. I'm like, okay, he's ready to talk to you guys now. That predator thing got under his skin big time. Hey, guys. I was cool with most of your lives.

And there was a lot of blasphemy. There was a lot of blasphemy. Some good works. Yeah. Some good works. I'm not here to say there weren't any good works. Of course there was kindness. To be fair, I don't think I've done any good works. Yeah. Some good works. I'm not here to say there weren't any good works. Of course there was kindness. To be fair,

I don't think I've done any good works. Yeah, I think God was probably... Yeah, is Jesse getting credit for my good works? Well, he's seeing us as a group. Yeah, did we all die together? I mean...

Are we dead now? Yep. That's what happened when he closed the door this last time. Certainly it's... Oh, shit. The air instantly got sucked out.

This is... We've been dead for a couple of minutes now. I think the most unusual part about it, Eliza, is that you have been grouped with the two of us. Like, we've been working together for 20 years. No kidding. And you're our friend. Like, we see you regularly, but regularly meaning a couple times a year, a few times a year. I feel like I should be able to write a letter, make a complaint about this. I think we have a general sense of mutual respect.

Sure. Yeah. But I mean, all of eternity? Yeah. Being judged with you guys? Like, I don't know. I don't exactly know what I'm taking on. Especially given-

It's being put in the old joint account here. Especially given all those good works that you've pursued. I am a big time good worker. Yeah. You're knitting socks, we learned in the break. Yeah. Yeah. I knit a bunch of socks, knit some sweaters. Yeah, I'm a big time good worker. Yeah. You're knitting socks. We learned in the break. Yeah. Yeah. I knit a bunch of socks, knit some sweaters.

Yeah. I'm a big time knitter. I left it for a few years and I've recently come back to it as a way to pass the time while I watch TV because because of my phone, I can't just watch TV. Oh, yeah. You got to be sure. What's a good knitting show? All of them.

You know what? You know what I knit the most to? American Horror Story. Really? I love it. Maybe that's why, because that's one of those shows that a lot of people I know like, and I've kind of dipped in. Every time they start a new season, I'm like, oh, this one's about Roanoke.

I'll try this one. And I sample it, and then it never sticks with it. Maybe it's because I'm not knitting. Maybe. But also, you can't start with Roanoke. Is that the bad one? It's too meta. Yeah, it's about the show.

You want to start with the first season. I can give you some seasons to skip around to. Okay, like a viewing chart or something. Yeah, but the first season, the ghost house, that's the one you want to start with. Okay, thank you. Connie Britton. And what's the first thing I should knit? If I've never knitted and I've never watched American Horror Story before.

Most people start with a scarf, but a scarf takes a lot of work because it's got to be long. So no one likes doing that. So you end up with the dumb short scarf that you hate and won't wear. So I say start with a hat. All you need is circular needles and you just go around, around, around, around. And at the very end, you can kind of taper it and make it smaller um or you could just like keep it wide and sort of drawstring it but either way then you have a hat and you're like i made a thing because you know who likes a short scarf yeah that's why that's what jk from jamiroquai started knitting oh yeah

went through a big jamiroquai phase myself well you know what? Jamiroquai has got its guys' things to recommend it. It's something I think we've learned on this show. It's a band and not a guy, right? Yeah. JK is the guy. Jamiroquai is the band. Yeah. I accidentally went to see them live in concert, and that's when I learned, be careful who

you see live in concert, because you'll end up being a fan of theirs. Like a deep J how so so so pre jamiroquai concert yeah you maybe like did someone insanity that's about it uh that's maybe all i could name too yeah um did like someone take you like did a bigger jamiroquai fan take you my high school boyfriend i was living in new york he was like in new jersey and he had some friend from his college staying with him. And he was like, hey, will you go with my friend of this Jamiroquai show? And I was like, what?

I don't like Jamiroquai. He's like, I don't care. He has an extra ticket. I don't want to go with him. And I was like, OK, free ticket to a thing. Why not? And I went and I loved it. I love Jamiroquai.

Who else is on the bill on that Jamiroquai show? I don't remember. All I remember is being like, holy shit, this rocks. Deeper Underground, that's a banger. That is so... From the soundtrack to Godzilla. Oh, yeah, the Matthew Broderick Godzilla? Yeah.

No, that was a Godzilla movie. Matthew Broderick was a weird actor to play Godzilla. Yeah, you have to make the city like even smaller yeah already a small man the modest statured man that was me so i in high school one of the main things that like one of them i was not that bad a kid in high school but one of the bad kid things i did is that there was a big like um you know there's a big like amphitheater where like metallica would come to town like and they would play i think it was called the... They would play. They weren't just there to watch Shakespeare or something.

No, yeah, to watch Shakespeare in the park. They'd have a picnic. Yeah, bring a little bottle of wine, a little brie. Sure. Get a sitter for the kids. Metallica co-parents kids together. Sure, sure. This is how you put the kid to bed, you know, like 8 o'clock.

Enter Sandman. There you go. That's Metallica talking to their babysitter. Okay. Free sketch comedy there. Hey, Funny or Die, become profitable again and make that video. We would like – I think it's called the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater now. Of course it is.

But I think it's called Irvine Meadows. Or maybe it's something else now. Anyway, it's a big amphitheater. It's like where the arena rock bands would come when they come to town. And me and some of my naughtier friends figured out that we, during the less popular concerts, the security was lighter. So you could just kind of park somewhere and then kind of go around kind of through the woods and jump the fence and see stuff so we saw like so we saw tom petty we saw rem like that and then we also because what were the big concerts if those were the small ones like

a metallica like a metallica or whatever you know like a, you know, sound garden or something. But we, you know, thought it'd be fucking hilarious if we snuck in to see Barry Manilow. And, you know, we were kind of goofing around. Did you guys run into Barry Manilow and meet him? No, he was out in the woods. Yeah, we got caught on some- I won't say what he was up to. Did he have stage fright and he didn't want to go on? So one of you guys had to go on in a wig?

Barry. Hello, it's me. Some of these songs are about my dog, I think, I've heard. And I still remember when he started playing Copacabana. The place went so fucking wild. If you like Copacabana. It's me, Jamiroquai. Barry Manilow is backstage.

He's too afraid to come on. And I still like when Copacabana... It'd be like hopping on these fences. Sorry. No, okay. Go ahead. You're jacking off in the woods. If you don't mind wearing someone else's wig.

Me too, so that's good. Jesus was a predator. Who cares, right? Fucking. Just because Eliza's good at this doesn't mean we shouldn't torpedo it. Oh, no. I just. Eliza teaches classes, man.

But yeah, every time I kind of hear Copacabana, I remember that energy and I get jazzed and horny. And like Copacabana is a ridiculous song from that. I mean, I think most divorced or near divorced moms with pools do too, right? That's true. Sort of the cliche that I'm seeing in my head. And yeah, and I think that's why I get along so well with divorcees. Yeah, I was going to say, do you think that that's because you have roughly the same sexual relationship to a 54-year-old divorced woman or 57-year-old divorced woman that a 57-year-old divorced woman has to a 65-year-old homosexual man? Now, wait. Before you answer, consider who in this equation would frequently dance around with a kitty cat.

Yeah. Oh, that's me. I think it's everybody. I think it's actually everybody. Yeah. I think that's the Venn diagram middle. Sure. That's us.

That's the sound of a Venn diagram coming together. Smuttering, oh, are you my date? Oh, I guess I am. Yeah. At the cat. Speaking of kitty cats, Jordan. Speaking of kitty cats, we got, or I guess I got, I got a package. Yeah. Look at you with all the cat. Speaking of kitty cats, Jordan. Speaking of kitty cats, we got, or I guess I got, I got a package. Yeah.

Look at you with all the deliveries. I know. I opened up a very nice package from a MaxFun listener who sent over some books. Sent over some nice paperback books that she thought I'd like. Like a pretty good selection. Yeah. I think, I don't have the package in front of me, but I think the name is Zara. So Zara, if you're out there, thanks for the books.

I'm going to give them a read. That sounds like a request and dedication. And a dedication. I'll be at a... Zara, if you're listening, I'll be at a jail soon. So yeah. That's the song. So the package looked like it was from China.

Yeah. And in the package were two cat shirts. Are they shirts for cats? Well, they are 3XL. Wow. So it had to be a pretty big kitty. But if they're from China, their sizing is usually a little bit smaller. Yeah.

So I think these were intended for me. Yeah. That doesn't look huge at all. No. Yeah. smaller yeah so i think these were intended for me yeah that doesn't look huge at all no yeah this is a this is a you know uh the size of a i think a you know a chunky party man could fit into this it's a profoundly unusual profile yeah it's an interesting though sleeves are very short the sleeves i would say say a cat might wear. Oh, yeah. A cool cat. Hey.

It's a cool print. They do have- They seem to be somewhere- It does seem to be somewhere between a short and long sleeve shirt. Yeah, the sleeves have a button cuff that I would say on an adult man would come around the elbow. Yeah, yeah. It's like if somebody put a button cuff on the end of a short sleeve. And the cats are like silhouettes.

They look like they could be little like ghosts in a Miyazaki movie or something. But also with eyes. Yeah, they have little button eyes. They're very mischievous. So, yeah. So, if you're listening out there, there's no card or anything. So, if you're listening out there and send the cat shirts, thank you very much. Very thoughtful.

Yeah. But actually, they don't quite fit me. They came like what they call drop shipped from China. These are something that someone bought on like Rakuten Global Marketplace or Alibaba. Or eBay. Or possibly from, it could be from, what's that thing, Oriental Trading Post where teachers get customer racers to give out as prizes. It could be from a very mysterious little website off in a corner down an alley. I hadn't noticed there before.

You were looking for a present for your child on the way back from this business trip. She just popped in. Do not get those shirts wet, Jordan. Do not get those shirts wet. Yep, good. Yes, that was what it was. So, yeah. They are dry clean only.

Then they will turn into gremlins. These shirts, I think I want to talk about the contest in a second. Sure. But I feel like the shirts need more context. Okay. Because what's amazing about these shirts. Isn't the whole thing that they don't have context? Is that they.

These are mystery shirts. These are the most. Like as soon as they came out of the package. It's like these shirts are the shirt equivalent of the robot, the Destroy the West talking robot that we had on Jordan Jesse Go some months ago. These shirts are utterly baffling in every element. It's very clear why someone chose them for you.

Right. Clearly on the internet, there was a beautiful picture of a cat shirt. They thought, well, Jordan loves cats. Sure. He loves shirts. He wears one literally every day. Well, not every day. Okay.

Not every day. Sometimes I have a hard time getting out of bed. That's it. That's all. Taco Tuesday. I wear a taco. And I eat fajitas. You know, I mean, they're pretty cool cat shirts.

Yeah. It's the thing. They're like, I mean, you know that guy who carries cat toys in a guitar case? Yes. Yeah. I do know that guy. This is the kind of shit he would pull off. That's true.

This seems- And throw on the floor of a divorcee. Yeah. It has to look great on the floor of your condo that you moved into because your house was too big after your kids went to college. Is that the fold-out where your daughter sleeps on long weekends home from school?

Is that the washing machine where she does her laundry? I bet she fights with you in that kitchen. Tell me about the good wife. There's two possibilities. I watch The Good Doctor. I'm rock hard. I'm sorry, cats went off the air.

Did it? We all are. We all are. Yeah, he's the rookie now. Oh, that's right. Castle's the rookie. Yep. Castle takes the rookie.

I mean, it's the same thing, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And Bishop takes young Sheldon. Yeah, I don't know. Who cares? Say stuff. But I mean the rookie. Okay, fine. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. Rookie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Who cares? Say stuff. But I mean the...

Okay, fine. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. It's good. The shirts... It fits. Sure.

The shirts, I think, they can be explained in one of two ways. Yeah. One is they were designed by a gifted designer, an avant-gardist. Sure. They're pretty minimalist in their aesthetic. They're two colors. One is black on white and one is white on black. I think that it's possible that they came out of the studio of Maison Martin Margiela

or something. Somewhere in Belgium. Antwerp is one possible source. Another source is... Monkey's paw. They were designed... One made a wish. They were designed by a person who lives in a non-shirt culture and has seen a picture of a shirt.

Or had a shirt described to them. Or had a shirt described to them. Like how many holes, how many tubes. It's a three-holer. Yeah, I can do this. Well, it's a four-holer, but we'll see what you can do. All the in-holes have an out-hole. So I cannot quite wear these. So we thought they'd be a fun giveaway.

We haven't done a giveaway in a while. So we'll mail these off. So I think what we decided on was we want you to take a picture with or of your pet somehow endorsing Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, and post it on Twitter or Instagram. Yes. With that hashtag JJGoPet. So it doesn't have to be a cat. Are there extra points if the pet is like super flirty about it?

Oh, yeah. Especially if it's a llama. Sure. Okay, wow. This is really weird flirty about it. Oh, yeah. Especially if it's a llama. Sure. Okay, wow. This is really weird. You're married. I don't want to have to keep your secrets. Okay. But yeah, take a flirty picture of your pet. Yeah.

Endorsing Jordan Jesse Go. And I think these shirts ultimately will go to people who have really taken the bull by the horns. Right. If you have a pet bull, take it by the horns. Take it by the horns.

I would like to see some real creativity in the different – obviously, most pets can't speak. Sure. Although if you have a pet that can speak and it endorses Jordan, Jesse, go verbally, you've got the inside fucking track. So just play Jordan, Jesse, go for your parrot and then film your parrot saying, what if Waluigi ate ass? How about, can I offer an instant win? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, let's hear it. If you've got a seaman that you have talked to say, listen to Jordan, Jesse, go. Yes. Virtual pets do count. Yeah. Bonus points for this Dreamcast game Seaman. Narrated by Leonard Nim count. Yeah. Bonus points for this Dreamcast game, Seaman. Narrated by Leonard Nimoy. Yes.

So virtual pets do count. Virtual pets are real pets. I read an interview with the creator of Seaman. It fucking ruled so hard. Oh my God, did it rule. Do they have like a Seaman mansion now? It was like a Dreamcast money. An oral history of Seaman.

before, but... Dreamcast money? An oral history of Seaman. You'll be surprised. There were points along the way when the software publishing company wasn't sure if it was a good idea to make a game about a fish man that talked back to you.

Yeah. And he looks kind of like Stephen Miller. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's very... That is a fucking insight that has been 20 years in the making yeah it really does look kind of like stephen miller thank you thanks yeah celebrated santa monica assholes stephen miller yeah yeah i used to go into a games and miniature shops

that also i think was obviously a video game store um but i to go into a games and miniature shop that also I think was obviously a video game store. But I was there for the games and miniatures. So you're not some fucking nerd. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. And they had an evolving Seaman behind the counter. Oh yeah. Just call.

You know, your pet can be a Seaman. It can be a couple other Dreamcast games too. Okay. But they have to say things about Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, so if you can make Power Stone or Last Blade II say anything about Jordan Jesse Go, that's fine. I would be willing to get an endorsement from a Tomogachi. Sure. A Furby? Whoa, what if you had a Tomogachi that had evolved to that point?

Oh, into a Seaman. Like you, like, forgot about it. Like, you gave the Tamagotchi to some sort of crazed prisoner someplace. And it was all he had to play with for years and he evolved it into like Skynet basically or the Terminator. That's how the Terminator got created.

Oh, right. If someone gave a Tamagotchi to someone in some sort of... Yeah, and they're like, keep feeding it, feeding it, feeding it. And it just got like big and it and it was originally strong and originally kind of like a tadpole but then if you talk to it enough and then fucking learn to hate humans yeah and then judgment day yeah i remember getting sea monkeys and like you would get down

to the point where you just have one sea monkey and it would be like big and i my relationship with it was always like i want to kill, but I don't want to have killed you. Oh, yeah. But it was like, you know, once it's that big, you feel like it's like looking around your room, eyeing where it's going to put its furniture when it's his room. Yeah. What do you think is the greatest? What do you think is the greatest?

Armoire would look good here. Yeah, exactly. You shut up, sea monkey. You're just a shrimp. Yeah. What do you think is the greatest? You're not even a real ape. Legacy of Leonard Nimoy. Seaman, the scene in Star Trek IV where he kills that punk rock guy on the bus.

No, it's when he's- The paintings of naked ladies. When Spock likes to fuck. What's that? It's when he goes to that planet where he's like, hey, what's up? Okay, the spores on this planet. Do you think that's even better than- Horny Spock. Yeah spores on this planet. Do you think that's even better than... Horny Spock.

Yeah, Horny Spock. Do you think that's even better than Three Men and a Baby? Yeah. That he directed. Yeah. We've all thought about it. I mean, the opening, I don't know,

the opening montage to Three Men and a Baby, when they're painting the mural, that is pretty epic. Pretty solid. Pretty good. But it's not as good as Horny Spores. Yeah. They got that kind of pastel art deco loft.

There was also all the films at planetariums that he narrated. Also, by the way, anybody who's mad at me for Horny Spores, like, whatever I got wrong about that, calm down. Call your mom. Head it off at the pass. Good call. Have J.D. Power. So your pet, no matter what kind of pet it is. And let's, I think I know our audience, your ferret.

Your ferret. This will be 90% ferrets. No ferrets with no diapers, though. You have to be in diapers. Yeah, it's got to have a diaper on. Diaper your ferret. Kids, watch this show. Kids, let's diaper those ferrets.

Let's hide those giant, thick old ferret dogs. Or parrot gashes. ferret gashes. Ferrets have cloacas. I was thinking about that this morning because I was making eggs and I was like, you know when you get like a rough egg? I always think in my head, oh, that poor chicken's pussy. And then I'm like, I know that people would be like, hey, it's a cloaca. But I feel like it's okay for me to call it a chicken pussy

if it's something that an egg has come out of. Thank you. Thank you. Chicken pussies are strong. Because all of them have cloacas. Roosters have cloacas. That's true. Hens have cloacas.

And pussy is slang anyway. Thank you. I am encouraging the chicken industry to adopt chicken pussy as a hen's cloaca. But we don't want to see any ferret cash. I think that's the point of that. Sorry, I went down that road. Kids watch the show is the important part.

So let's not be gross. So post those pics, JJ Go Pets, on the social media of your choice. Maybe we'll throw up some faves on the JJ Go Facebook page. Yeah. So post them on Instagram and Twitter. Those are your top hashtagging tweets. And remember, if you do go with Seaman, he should say kill me at the end of it. Yes.

Yes. Please have Seaman beg for death at the end of his endorsement of Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. And we'll post on the Facebook group and, uh, and so forth. Some pictures of these strange shirts. I'd like to try one on.

I'd Brian, I'd be willing to have you photograph me wearing one. Make a tick tock. Uh, Jordan will have to wear the other one though. Don't want to. Yeah, but you have to now.

What if you put it on? Otherwise you're the bad host. What if it's like the mask? Oh, put it on and you become like a super cool cat dude. Sure. Somebody pet me. Okay.

Hashtag JJGurkin. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Go. We are so thrilled at your interest in attending Hieronymus Wiggenstaff's School for Heroism and Villainy. Wiggenstaff's beautiful campus boasts state-of-the-art facilities and instructors with real-world experience. We are also proud to say that our alumni have gone on to be professional heroes and villains in the most renowned kingdoms in the world.

But of course, you are not applying to the main school, are you? You're applying for our sidekick and henchperson annex. You will still benefit from the school's amazing campus and you'll have a lifetime of steady employment. And of course, there's no guarantee how long that lifetime will be. Join the McElroys as they return to Dungeons & Dragons with The Adventure Zone Graduation every other Thursday

on Maximum Fun or wherever podcasts are found. La la la la la la la Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well-researched, and your podcast host to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you.

Yeah, and what's your deal? I'm Emily. I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions,

and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts. We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping. Join us on Baby Geniuses every other week on MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, The banana's favorite catchphrase. That's our nanner. What can I say? Clankety clank. Oh, the banana's got stuck in the steel trap again. We got to yank the banana out of the banana's mouth. He's going to chew off his own foot. Yum, yum.

I mean, ow. Mommy, why is that banana eating a banana? We talked about these cat shirts, but I didn't ask you how your cat's doing, Eliza. How's Casper? He's doing very well. I've been working a lot, and so he's really got a problem with that um he's a little bitchy when i come home um and he pretends like he doesn't like his food which i'm like you know we can do this dance or we can just have a nice night together there you go sure which do you

want you can sack it up casper yeah um there was a a raccoon that was uh wrestling around the house i told the wrong way i shouldn't have told you it was raccoon right but whatever that was wrestling around the house. I told it the wrong way. I shouldn't have told you it was a raccoon. It was wrestling around the house. So I would open the window and he has this little perch where he'll sit out the window. It looks like he's watching his stories to me. It's his soap opera time. It was so much wrestling it sounded like

it was a human skulking around my house. And then when I was coming home late one night I went through the gate and clearly this thing was right in front of where the gate opened and he like hoisted his body up into a teeny tiny skinny tree and was like clinging on like you don't see me and it was it was a big fat raccoon and i think i embarrassed him so much he stopped coming around oh there's no wrestling and you think that's just sits in the window and is like nothing's happening out here you think it's because he was embarrassed yeah i think i freaked him out i think he was like man i look so stupid i wasn't

even wearing pants i don't know if there's good zumbas just for something like this do you think a hummingbird will come by at some point oh yeah there's lots of humming well there was i think like a hummingbird nest or something because there was like a, like, we would get dive bombed by a hummingbird that I think was like, you stay away from my babies. Oh. When I was coming up. Don't touch my nectar.

Exactly. I love it. Yeah. I live for nectar. Real spider problem this year at the house. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Like, I just, every day, no matter how much I clean, by the end of the day, it's a witch's house again.

The neighbor kids are for sure thinking that this is where all the candy and cauldrons are. Yeah, I was about to say, Eliza, have you thought about switching out the cauldron? Maybe get yourself a nice cast iron pan or a Dutch oven. I feel like I'll lose my keys. No, no. Nice Dutch oven. I have my system. Right.

Yeah. So I don system. Right. Yeah. So we don't lose things. A place for everything, everything in its place. You make a trail of candy that leads to your front door. How am I going to find my front door if I don't? A key in every cauldron. Exactly. Hey, we got a phone call.

Yeah, when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us. 206-984-4FUN is the number. You can also email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We've received one of these momentous occasion calls, which is what we call them, Eliza. Why don't you press play on that call? Brian Fernandez, our producer. press play on that call. Brian Fernandez, our producer.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and whoever the fuck is the guest. I'm out. Who is clearly not me. Who is Steve Agee? I'm out, Steve Agee. Calling you with a momentous occasion. We're in a fight now. I am in Atlanta, Georgia.

I'm here for about five months. We're in a fight now. and drove past the location of the former murder Kroger, which we have talked about before on your show. I don't remember why. Which was shut down and demolished in 2016. And so as I was driving by, I was like, oh, I recognize this area. And I looked over, I go, this is where Murder Kroger used to be. And as I drove by, I looked over. Brand new Kroger. Hell yes.

They replaced Murder Kroger with a new Kroger. A Piggly Wiggly or something. Or a B-Low. I don't know why they did that. But I'm calling this new Kroger New Murder Kroger. Hope you guys are having a great day. Love you.

Miss you. Bye. Oh, Steven. We should explain why Steven is Atlanta, Georgia. He's now the third Migos. Sure. Congratulations, Steve. Is that what he's playing in Suicide Squad? Yeah.

They're kind of going, they used like DC villains before, but now they're just expanding. And it can be whoever. Yeah. Well, whoever's in the trap. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. And Orville Redenbacher, weirdly enough, is a member of the Suicide Squad. Wait, I thought it was Bartles and James. I mixed them up.

You see them in the post-credits sequence. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, because the real villain is capitalism. Thank you. Finally, somebody's saying it. Hello, Praxis. Joker's saying it. That's right.

Finally, somebody, some clown saying it. Wait, can I change what I said before? Yeah. Are you there, God? It's me, Praxis! Great. Joker, right? Yeah.

The clown prince of crime. So, yeah, I guess I don't really remember the story of murder, Kroger, but it is like an Atlanta landmark. It is like a long time ago right here where we're sitting. There used to be a man named Kroger. He sold discount products. Well, Kroger is a supermarket. That's true. This much we're clear on.

I just made it more fun because I made it a person, but yeah. We used to have to drive to another city to go to the Kroger because they had tofu, like vegan ice cream. Oh, yeah. That sounds nice. What did you get, a Tofutti Cutie? No, no. It was like Kroger brand vegan ice cream. Yeah.

And there was no, you didn't have a lot of vegan options back then. Very classy. There's a lot of Kroger products at my local Ralph's. Oh, that's confusing. It is a little bit confusing, but I do enjoy a Kroger seltzer. It's like, who's the boss, right? Well, Ralph is the boss. He's the one who murdered Kroger.

This is Ralph's now. Kroger is dead. We will keep selling his discount products. His lemon pepper spice. It's nice on a little chicken, you know? Oh, sure. Maybe throw it in the oven, then throw it in a pan for a little bit. I thought you were going to say throw it in the blender for a second.

Throw it in the blender. That's how you get murdered. You pepper the chicken, you throw it in a blender. And then you look down and it wasn't a chicken. It was a baby. Yeah. Because of acid. That's true.

So what happened? It's also how ceviche works. Eliz was a baby. Yeah. Because of acid. That's true. So what happened? It's also how ceviche works. Eliza, don't spoil the end of Joker. Oh, sorry. Some people haven't seen it. You know what? I want to spoil the end of Joker. Guys, everybody's on acid and they eat babies at the end. That's what everyone doesn't want to tell you. But it's an amazing performance.

Oh, I would hate to be your mentions. The babies are performing amazingly. Joaquin Phoenix is all the babies. Yep, yep. And he really transforms. He wouldn't speak or let people speak to him in any, refer to him as anything as a very big boy. The soft spot uninstalled in his head.

He knew he was little, but he was the kind of baby that wanted to be called a big boy. A big boy, yeah. He reads chapter books. Yeah. I've heard that about Joaquin Phoenix. So what happened to the Kroger? I think someone was murdered there. Sounds like it.

It sounds like they put up another, it seems like you would at least just put up like a manslaughter Rite Aid, you know? Yeah. Exactly. But, yeah. Or a maiming CBS. A maiming CBS. It's like that song, they paved murder Kroger and put up a manslaughter.

Don't know how I seem to go. You don't know what you got till it's gone. Because it's murdered. Yeah. One of my favorites. You know, not everyone who calls in has to be Steve Agee. But most should be. So I think last time we talked yeah we

Steve Ager's talking about you know that he was going off to film Suicide Squad but he couldn't tell us what it was at that point right now it's in all the trades

so we can talk about it I read Steve Ager's in Suicide Squad that's true so he's so he so I think we said that by the time

this movie comes out because it's so CGI intensive he would have been on the show I think it was five more times just because he's such a frequent guest. Does this count as one of the times? He plays some kind of alligator man. He's King Shark.

Yeah. Famous DC villain King Shark. Yeah. Everybody's favorite. There's Lex Luthor, the Joker, and of course King Shark. I'm just, I don't know why he had to make it personal with me. Yeah, that was unnecessary, by the way. We've co-guessed it on things before. Yeah.

You know, we've done shows together. I considered him a pal. And he really came at me not knowing who I am. That's true. Just blind. Punching in the dark. Swinging like a child after a piñata. And I'm gonna fucking remember it. Yeah. Good. Hey.

This is how you make a villain. Sounds like wow. This is how you make a DC. Sounds like, wow. This is how you make a DC villain. This is you. How do you make a story? Actually, I think your origin story is your mom told you you killed that horse by not loving it. That's your Joker. Yeah. I mean, it literally is.

We need a gritty reboot of Eliza Skinner. No, I feel like the one that we've got now is like okay for kids. We had a gritty reboot for years. It didn't do well. Yeah. This new one, it makes a lot of sweaters yeah yeah what are you making like a nice fair aisle no no that's too complicated okay yeah yeah yeah yeah no i'm just uh just a nice just a plain solid color shetland solid color maybe if it's got some variegated yarn maybe it'll have some some play in there you ever work with a Shetland? Pony?

No. Or yarn. I'm not a freak like you. Freak-a-leek. Fourth Migos right here. Yeah. You want to be in Migos? Are you just handing out Migos now? I'm swamped, dude.

I'm so fucking busy. Sure, yeah. Number five. Sounds like we got five. Sunny D, you going to be in Migos? When do I get my shirts? Yeah, Brian's already in Migos. That's number six.

Jordan's too busy. Not to throw Jordan under a bus here. Oh, shit. I got to get more chains. Jordan's too busy in the fucking goodie mob. Sorry. It's time to move on, Jordan. Yeah, nobody likes CeeLo anymore.

He got super annoying. Not even the rest of goodie mob. Yeah. Well, you know, hey, work-life balance. Yeah. You know? That's fair. Work-life balance.

Sure. How's your cat doing? She's great. Yeah. A lot of fun. Oh, no, she ruined a plant. I got some new potted plants for the house. Now, did you check to make sure that they were a cat?

I did. Like, non-toxic? There's a nice store called The Sill. Mm-hmm. And they have a section that's pet-friendly. Oh, that's great. Is that next to the cooling pie section? Yes, yeah, it is. A little bit of a hobo problem

in that neighborhood. I got some random plants at one point and it was it really upped the barf in the house. Oh, yeah. Yeah, head to The Sill. It's really fun. It's a nice store. And they give you a little card with plant care tips and then they name the plant. It's cute. Where's this relative to the grove?

It's pretty close. Okay. Pretty close to the grove. Near where I took my pottery class. And there's one of the plants. She just fucking killed it. She just destroyed it. The other two plants are fine.

Third plant. She has to do that so the other plants know who's boss. Yeah, right. That's the law. Right. She thinks it's her first day in jail. Exactly. And you kill one plant.

Cats are dumb. They always think it's her first day in jail. Yeah. Anyway. That was the joke I was making. No. Oh, cool. I'm sorry.

I over-explained the joke. No, no, no. It's okay. I'm sorry. I just like you said the joke and it was fine. No, no. People didn't get it until you said it. Say it louder.

I just, you know, I wanted credit for like it was there because I put it there. You planted the seed. And then your cat killed it. Then my cat killed it. Jordan it louder. I just, you know, I wanted credit for like, it was there because I put it there. You planted the seed. And then your cat killed it. Then my cat killed it. Jordan and Eliza? Yeah. Do you guys mind if I move to the next segment? The end of the show?

Okay, no. Fine. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Disco. Bye. Bye. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio's Weird. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective. Eliza Skinner, animatronic banana. There's a finger caught in it. Oh, shit. Whoa.

Did it kill a kid? Nope, just a finger. Just a finger. Okay, well, that's fine. Somebody brought an extra finger. Hashtag JJGoPetJordan. Yeah. Do you think there's going to be any chinches?

I would love to see a chinch. I think we could get chinch. That's short for chinchilla. I know. It's not a slur. But it does sound like one. That's true. We probably should say chinchilla before we say chinch.

Or it sounds like some sort of like a slang for, like old timey slang for a vagina. Oh, sure. Yeah. A ferret's chinch. Put a diaper on that ferret. There's chinchas hanging out. I want to see a chinch. There was a couple lines about chinchas in that fucking movie we went to see, Jordan.

Oh, sure. The Lighthouse. A lot of chinch talk in the Lighthouse. A lot of chinch talk in the Lighthouse. A lot of chinch talk. They showed a mermaid's chinch. Oh, spoiler. Sorry. Come on, man.

Wow. Is that a spoiler? You can't spoil a plotless nightmare of a movie. The movie fucking ruled. Yeah, it was a really good movie. I loved the movie. God, it was a nightmare, though. Parasite.

Oh, me too. What'd you think? I liked it. Yeah, me too. Paras loved the movie. God, it was a nightmare, though. I just saw Parasite. Oh, me too. What'd you think? I liked it. Yeah, I did too. Parasite's great. Yeah, yeah. I felt like some of his other movies were so like, did you get the metaphor? Did you get it?

In this one, I feel like he knew that. Yeah, sure. And he was having fun with it. I'll title it appropriately. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And even had the character be like, this is a metaphor.

By the way. What do you think is the most unusual pet we're going to see with hashtag JJ Copan? Yeah, I mean. Are you counting puppy play? Yeah. What do you, how do you mean? Is that where you wear chunky sneakers? No, no.

That's where an adult dresses up as a puppy and enjoys that as part of their lovemaking routine. Are we? Yes. Are we counting furries? Fursuited people? Yeah, that's a whole other thing. Yeah, that counts. Absolutely. Yeah, that's a whole other thing. Yeah, that counts, absolutely. Yeah, I think so too.

But it has to be a relationship. There's all kinds of relationships here. Sure. It has to be one where someone is the owner and someone is the pet. I'm going to say also it should be something that's furry, right? I mean, unless it's a seaman. So if you have a snake, put a wig on it. Put a wig on it.

Yeah, put a wig on your snake. And you know what? If you just want to kick it up a notch and you don't have any zatteranes lying around, I say put a wig on it. Put a wig on it. No matter what it is. A chinch has beautiful soft fur, but you might as well put a wig on that fucker. Oh, like some little braids?

Yeah. Like a little pippy long stocking thing? That would be cute. I would love a snake with just maybe some full-bodied share curls. Can I also say, speaking of pippy longstocking stuff, pretty much no matter what animal it is, if you want to tie some sponges to its feet and have it clean your kitchen floor that way,

I think that's a great idea too. Well, as long as it's not too heavy. Like you do that with a hippopotamus, it goes right through the floor. That is going to be a problem. You're going to have to reinforce the floor. Also, they're surprisingly vicious, so they might eat you.

I'd love to see a falcon. I'd love to see a falcon on a leather-gloved hand. With a hood on it? Shrieking about, yeah. Shrieking about the podcast. It is I, the falcon. Yeah, so I'd like to see that. When I've hood on there's gotta be still listen to a podcast gotta be a falconer yeah there's little earbuds in the hood I think it's nighttime when I listen to my podcasts

why do we have a podcast when Eliza already has a podcast there's gotta be a falconer in our audience yeah there's at least one falconer in our audience. Yeah. There's at least one falconer. I'd like to see it on a golden eagle. That would be amazing. Or an owl. An owl would be amazing.

I would be really impressed if an owl endorsed your show, but specifically an owl that was really stupid but scared everybody was going to know and so pretended to be super intelligent. So it's an owner saying, hey, have you heard about this show? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure. Totally. Uh-huh. Yeah. yeah but look at me i'm an owl i read a lot of books obviously obviously i just graduated yeah yeah yeah i'm told by my hat yeah i've got a bunch of diplomas and it's just like like mouse butts lying around yeah he doesn't eat the butts ew gross no he's not disgusting eat the head and the little abdomen the And the arms. Throw the butt away. You can't eat the butt.

The filter's in there. That's true. You know, unless you want, do not eat the mouse butt unless you want a very satisfied mouse. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Sure. This is a millennial. It's a millennial owl.

Hey. It's been out, you know, owls have been doing it for years with different names it's just that's what we're calling it now that's true that's fair um yeah so yeah definitely they truly do eat the booty like groceries because it's what they eat eliza where can uh where can our listeners find this ass-eating owl magic once this podcast ends. You can listen to my podcast, Cool Playlist. Picking a little bit of a hiatus right now, but there's lots of old episodes that are up there. A lot of cool guests.

Some Max Funsters, I think, have been on that podcast. Yes. Jordan was on it. Yeah, we had a blast. Yeah. We made a playlist for songs to dance with your cat, too. Jordan was on it. Yeah, we had a blast.

Yeah, we made a playlist for songs to dance with your cat, too. Mm-hmm. And you can find me on Twitter at AddieLizaSkinner and on Instagram at AtEskins because I am not consistent. If you get the chance to see Liza Skinner out and about doing stand-up comedy as well, one of the best. Thank you. One of the best. Thanks. You're going to bust a gut. You're going to think a little.

Hey. Well, I write about most of those things on the Twitter so that's the easy way that's the best way that seems like the best way just go to you know

analyze it yeah that's probably the best place to do it it's also if you want to yell at me a lot of people

do that there too yeah if you have a problem with women women comedy sure

you know any of the stuff that people like. Things you said about Star Trek. Sure. Star Trek spore errors. Yep. Yeah. If there's Star Trek. Look, you knew what I meant.

Can I make a suggestion? Mouse analingus. If people are mad at you for being a woman who has thoughts about things, for being a woman who makes jokes sometimes. Instead of sending them at Eliza Skinner on Twitter, why not send them at Mike Skinner? That's the guy from the streets that people were really excited about for a long time in indie music, and I never got it. Wow.

What the fuck is this? Wow. I would say, or if all of that is too complicated, walk out into the woods, see if you can find a rotten tree stump with a hole in in the middle and just yell it down into the middle of that. Yeah. Yell all of your problems with me into a tree stump. Or walk out into the woods. See if you can find the guy who writes the songs.

Sure. Yes. Barry Manilow is out there too afraid to go on. You guys got to do it for me. Well, okay. Take that wig off guys got to do it for me. Well, okay. Take that wig off that snake and put it on me. Hashtag your tweets. Hashtag JJ Coe.

What if it was a snake that was performing? That would be great. A little snake in a wig. And all the parents were like, he was really on fire tonight. He was great. I've seen Barry Manilow before, but not like this. Yeah. Boy, I wish I knew enough Barry Manilow songs to do a snake parody of a Barry Manilow song.

Anyway. We'll think of one later. At the Cobra. Cobra Cabana. That's it. That's it. That's it. This is why you bring in a professional to the program.

Cobra Cabana. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program. Hashtag at JJGo on Twitter. Hashtag JJGoPet. Any kind of endorsement. I mean, you could put in a little voiceover while your pet's eating some peanut butter. Put a sign on the pet.

Put a sign on the pet, give the pet a t-shirt, knit the pet a sweater that has a message on the front, like hashtag JJ Go or something like that. There's a lot of different things. If the pet is like, like if it's like one of those hairless cats, my brother has those hairless cats, you should write on it with a Sharpie.

But if it's an owl, let it be exactly as smart as it truly is. Yeah. You don't need to pressure it. Yeah. Owl's fine. Okay. Just let it teach. Each owl needs to be taught at their level.

Yeah. And they might have an aptitude in something besides book learning. And they may have asynchronous development. They may get better at turning a mouse into a round sphere of fur. Or they might be very artistic or athletic. Or they can know how many

licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. I believe it's one to who three. That's exactly how many. Okay. That owl's a fucking bitch in that three. That's exactly how many. Okay. I was a fucking bitch in that commercial. Let's go home. Good night.

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