Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 613: Cage-Free Sword with Cristela Alonzo

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

Cristela Alonzo (Music to My Years ) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Cristela's performance at the legendary country western venue in Bakersfield Buck Owen's Crystal Palace, the conflicting emotions that come with having a crush on an actor or actress who turns out to be problematic, and Cristela's diabolical revenge on her loud neighbors. Plus, Cristela has a great new book out! Get it here! Join MaxFun in donating to Homeless Youth, on behalf of Jesse's friend, Evan. Go to MaximumFun.org/evan Action Item: have holiday questions? Send them in -- 206-984-4FUN or [e-mail]

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to the program. Cristela Alonso, our guest, really working to distract over there. Yeah. She's caught in a Chinese finger trap. Oh no! This is far more

compelling than what's going on on Mike. I'm sorry. Morris Boy Detective? Yeah. That's my famous nickname that definitely is not embarrassing to say in my late 30s. Yep. Oh my god, I love it. You're like the Encyclopedia

Brown reboot I've been waiting for. Yes, exactly. If you have a pirate artifact that goes missing, call me a 37-year-old who still uses that nickname on a podcast. Jordan, what would you say is more embarrassing? Is it you, a 37-year-old, using the nickname... Oh, thank you for not stopping the sentence. That's what I thought. Yeah. That's what I thought.

You. Whoa, I know. Right. Your life. Your life that's going poorly. Or that time Frasier fell off the stage. Oh. What's more embarrassing?

You as a 37-year-old using this goofy nickname that you thought of when you were 18 or 19, 20 years ago almost, where you are now a grown man with your own dignity and career. Well, I actually don't have my own dignity. I least dignity. My dad said it was a bad idea. It's a bad financial decision. Pre-owned dignity. Yes, a certified pre-owned dignity. My dad said it was a bad idea. It's a bad financial decision. Pre-owned dignity. Yes, a certified pre-owned dignity,

but I just had to have that Lexus dignity. I'm not making Lexus money. You're getting okay mileage on your dignity, though. Yeah, the mileage is good, and I'm taking good care of the dignity, so when I turn it in, I'm probably not going to lose any of my down payment. Or, is it me, America's radio sweetheart? Right.

A nickname that I thought of when I was 19. I was thinking I was 19, you were 18. That seems about right, right? Yeah. And was obviously ironic at the time. radio has grown to the point where while it is practically speaking still quite ironic, it's now the kind of irony that someone points out to be meanly rather than the kind where it's self-evident that I am being ironic about myself. I mean, I think we are both just in the same boat as like guys who are still in punk bands who are like who when they

give interviews like the interviewer has to address them as so smelly by the way nice chain wallets guys thank you yes yeah we're we're we're taking that parallel and running with it um uh yeah so i mean i think we're we, I think we're that. We were goofing around at something we never thought we'd be doing this far down the line. And I think we should just be grateful we have a career. I think maybe the most directly comparable in my experience would be an aging rapper. I mean, when you think 30 or so years on, I mean, it was one thing when MC Scat Cat

was a cool 21-year-old in cat years. Cartoon cat. Cartoon cat. But now that he's in his mid-50s in human years. Right. Wait, or his mid-200s in human years. He's ancient in human years now. He-200s in human years. He's ancient in human years now. He's so old in human years.

Yeah. He's on his fourth cat life. Right. Yes. The nine lives of MC Scat Cat. A 32-year-old cat is really. Yeah. I mean, he's pretty much king shit of shit mountain at this point if he's a 32-year-old

cat. Yeah. He's beat the fucking odds. Sure. That's back-to-back cat lives. And he got to sleep with Paula Abdul. Yeah. of shit mountain at this point if he's a 32 year old cat yeah he's beat the fucking odds sure that's back to back cat life and he got to sleep with paul abdul yeah i i imagine i think that's what i gathered from the energy in the video that's what was happening back in the 80s did you have a did you have a nickname growing up no that's why i love yours and actually can we talk about at least yours is in it's interesting because yours is in the world of what you do.

Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's the problem. So Jordan's – But you're not a detective. You're not a boy detective. Jordan's is obviously goofy. Well, I'm undercover.

I'm very deep undercover. Other than saying it in a podcast. Jordan's is obviously goofy. Mine runs the risk of people thinking that I believe it. Yours sounds like you gave yourself the nickname and then started doing vision boards to make it a reality. Yeah, it's a secret thing. Christella, this is your opportunity to put a nickname up on the vision board. You could have any nickname you want.

Oh, man. What about Squeaky? Like your favorite member of the Manson family? We all have one. We all have one. We all have one. Yes. I mean, everyone in their group of friends picks who they were in the Manson family.

I have the button, obviously, that I wear on my jean jacket. Mine is Big Mama. Right. Big Mama Manson. Oh, here's my I wear on my jean jacket. Mine is Big Mama. Right. Big Mama Manson. Oh, here's my question, though. Yes, please. Like, when you guys came up with the nicknames, is it something that was in your heart? Or did it take you days?

Or was it just right on the spot? Wow. Do you remember, Jordan? No, I sure don't. I think it was just we were doing – I think we just – so this podcast is an outgrowth of our – or is a continuation of our college radio show. Okay. Yeah.

And I think just on our college radio show, we just had a running joke of having a new nickname every episode. And then I think we just stuck with these ones for some reason. I mean here's something. Our friend Gene used to do the show with us, and his nickname was Big Time. Right. And when we were in college, Gene, who's a great guy and a very funny and talented guy. But his definitely ended up being true because Gene is one of the sharks on Shark Tank. Yeah.

Really? No. He's a reality TV producer, which is great, which is pretty good. He's doing really well. Oh, my God. I think he's a reality TV producer. Which is great. Which is pretty good. He's doing really well. Oh, my God. That sounded so real because it was so specific. I'm like, oh, my God.

Yeah. Gene famously, he had a little bit too much dignity for the show we were doing. And so he would be one foot in, one foot out. For months, he wouldn't pick a nickname. And he finally went with Big Time, which was not an ironic nickname. Jordan and I had ironic nicknames. And his nickname made our nicknames look like we were picking literal nicknames but dumb ones. So it was a little challenging.

And looking back on it now, like at the time, I was like, come on, Gene. We're playing a game here. Everybody's got to play the game. Now, 20 years later, I wish I had just gone with a nickname like Big Time. Sure. Just a regular straight ahead nickname. Like King Shit. If it didn't already belong to MC Scat Cat.

King Shit of Shit Mountain sounds like a really cool roller coaster. You can ride that ahead six flags over Tampa. Christella, I want to give you a proper buildup. You giggled during our introduction and ruined it. But Cristela Alonso, our guest on the program. It would have been bad. The intro would have been bad. She's a stand-up comic, of course. She's an international activist these days and she's now a best-selling memoirist

author of the new book The Music of My Years our pal Christella Alonso thank you so much guys thank you so much for inviting me to be here how about this as a nickname yeah MC Scrabble Spinster yeah MC Scrabble Spinster to be here. How about this as a nickname? Yeah.

MC Scrabble Spinster. Wow. MC Scrabble Spinster. How's that? Sure. It combines your love of Scrabble, rap, and loneliness. So you're a loneliness enthusiast. Yes, I'm a loneliness

enthusiast. It's a hobby. It's things I do for fun. I like to brew one cup of tea and let it grow cold as I gaze out the window. Sometimes during Christmas I just think of my loneliness and smile.

Yes. You gotta get some of that Lex and smile. Yes. You got to get some of that Lexus loneliness. Just trying to continue. It doesn't really work. I was thinking about the old... This is my lonely hobby today. I was trying to remember some of the old Christmas commercials

that you see every year on TV. And I always think of the Hershey's Kisses, the Christmas bells. Oh, Christmas bells. You were making a bell ringing motion, that kind of horizontal bell ringing. And I was like, the Hershey's Kiss Christmas ad

where they lift each other's skirts? What is this? You know, Jesse, that commercial was made in a different time. Today, those Hershey Kisses would be canceled. Yeah, thank you. Hashtag cancel kisses. They would also Hershey kisses would be canceled. Yeah. Thank you. Hashtag cancel kisses. They would also have

their own subreddit, though. Right. Oh, so Hershey Kiss can't tell somebody it looks pretty anymore? Can't hug somebody at work? I'm the person online that's like,

let me donate to these Hershey's kisses. Yes. They need all the money. We need to lift them up. They would have a distressingly successful Patreon. Like it was stupid successful, like stupid.

You like look at it one day because you're like, this is going to make me feel better if I look at these assholes fucking Patreon. And then you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck? For 50 bucks, I'll fart in your voicemail. Wait, is that the kiss? Yes, that's where she's kissing. They're older now, so now they talk kind of like this.

You never heard their voices, right? Me. They made me sound like a beautiful bell, but really? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. Fuck my ex-wife. She's not getting shit from me. I just want to be clear on the game we're playing.

Are the Hershey's Kisses red pill guys? Yeah. Okay, okay. That's why they're going around lifting skirts. Gotcha. Okay, lifting skirts. They got older, and as time passed, they started- They became set in their ways. They were set in their ways.

They kind of got a narrow vision of what's entertaining. And then when the world changed around them, they were unable to respond to it. They got deeper and deeper into the Red Pill. I'm sorry, but Ray learned the Force too quickly. Exactly. Captain Marvel's overpowered.

What? Why are you mad? Oh my God. Okay, yeah, sure. Okay, so wait, you're remembering Christmas commercials. I do remember the dinging Hershey bells. I was trying to, my God. Yeah, sure. Okay, so wait. You're remembering Christmas commercials. I do remember the dinging Hershey Bells. I was trying to make a list of them, yeah. I'll throw one out. Yeah.

M&M's meet Santa. Yes. He does exist. They do exist. Faint. Oh, wow. I remember that. Yes.

What else you got? I was thinking Fred Flintstone's Fruity Pebbles, Santa. Do you remember that? Vaguely. So they leave Fruity Pebbles out for Santa. Sure. And then he's, you know, like, but Fred sneaks into Santa because he wants the Fruity Pebbles. I was thinking about that.

They used to play it all the time. And now I don't remember seeing a lot of cereal commercials anymore on TV. Most of them that I see – I think we're not watching Saved by the Bell as much as we used to. That's true. Is it possible that we're watching – I was watching it in Fatburger the other day. I'm so excited.

We may be watching less Tiny Toons than – That's true because the commercials for cereals I see are always about lowering your cholesterol. Oh, yeah. That does seem pretty apropos. Well, you only watch Fox News. We should explain. Well, you know, if I would like the truth, is it my fault I want the truth? Sure.

Hey, it's me, Hershey Kiss. I'm on after Bill O'Reilly. Who was aboard Epstein's plane? We need to know. We talked to Kennedy from MTV to find out. Do you know she's conservative? It's true. Not just part of the bit.

Yeah. I know. That's so weird, right? It is weird. It's so weird. It's very weird. It's kind of like uh what was it like uh christy swanson she's like a big she's like christy swanson and i'm like but you're buffy

yeah you're buffy you slayed the vampire which is the original conservative yes absolutely maybe she got bit oh hi it is amazing when you have to deal with, I mean, specifically with Kennedy. And I did not know this about Christy Swanson. So I'll retroactively have those feelings. But someone you were attracted to in adolescence turns out to have monstrous political beliefs. Yo, I love Charles in Charge, man. I was all about Charles in Charge. Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Christella.

I mean, I was into Chachi. I'm so sorry. I thought he was great. And then now I'm like, oh. Sure. Yeah. Heartbreaking. I mean, no one tell me what happened with Kevin Sorbo. Please.

Please. No one explain what Kevin Sorbo believes. Don't worry, Jordan. He's still the same old Kevin Sorbo. Oh, phew. Oh, Sorbs. He's over there in Ventura County oiling up for you right now. Accidentally reading the stage directions from the script like they were dialogue.

That actually happened. Look it up. It's really fun. He screams disappointed. Brian, put the disappointed gif on the Jordan Jessica Facebook page when you get a chance it's a real hoot holy shit I didn't know about that yeah it's a lot of fun

I think they either left it in or someone leaked the like take where he just yells is this him in full Hercules gear by the way him just going disappointed it was a direction on how he was supposed to be feeling at the time. Oh, so bad. Oh, my God. I wish you guys could see Jordan's face as he said disappointed. It's my favorite thing.

You're on the verge of tears. It's one of the funnier things. Oh, my God. That has happened. You know, I told a friend i was coming to do this podcast and and my friend asked me is there uh is there a format to it and i'm like i have no fucking clue we just describe memes we've seen yeah and it's great and the weird thing is i've done it before yeah

i don't know it's really designed to pass through your through your field of vision like a deer crossing a road forgotten just as soon um christella you've been on the road i'm surprised you found time to come you're you've been like fucking pounding the pavement i'm doing a tour that's three months long. I hit 40 cities. You performed comedy at Buck Owens Crystal Palace in Bakersfield, California. Yes, I did. Someone sounds jealous. I'm extremely jealous.

I'm jealous too. Yes, I did. And it was awesome. Oh, my. It was pretty cool. I mean. Yeah. So I went on an adventure in Bakersfield.

Podcast listeners will maybe remember it, maybe not. And I ate at the Crystal Palace and had a really great time. I watched a country and western band and not stand-up comedy. But yeah, I think I noticed you on the poster as I was going in, and I was surprised to see that you were playing this legendary country and western venue. That's what I do. I'm the Latina Dolly Parton. country and western venue venue that's what i do i'm the latina dolly parton i just imagined you like the blues brothers behind like a chicken wire

fence singing stand by your man and the theme from gun smoke or whatever it's like it was like roadhouse that night oh yeah yeah yeah yeah roadhouse yeah yeah it was really cool Oh, yeah, sure. You know, because you have to pack for different climates and I don't have time to unpack and put everything away. And you don't have time to throw away those National Geographics from the 90s. Hey, they're going to be worth something someday. The official magazine of the hoarder. You think they're really smart? Like they read the magazines and then they're like – they want to keep it? Like you think the National Geographics?

Boy, that's a great question. I'm just basing this on – I had an apartment building with a hoarder. And whenever I would get a look into his building, it was mostly National Geographic. So I'm just basing this on one hoarder that I encountered. What if he was the founder of National Geographic and they send him an issue every time? Oh, you know what? Maybe. Maybe.

an issue every time. Oh, you know what? Maybe. You would think that he would not be living in an apartment complex with me, a guy who was PA-ing

and being on improv groups, but maybe. Boy detective. Yeah, that's true. Boy detective. That was when my detective agency was going better.

I dated a girl in high school before I started dating my wife who had a parent who was a hoarder and he would go to the warehouse outlet. So, you know, the warehouse, W-H-E-R-E, the music store. Yeah.

But the warehouse outlet would have used VHS tapes like three for $10 or something. Yeah. And so he would come home with VHS tapes every day. or something. Yeah. And so he would come home with VHS tapes every day. And so on the one hand, it was a little scary to walk down the hallway because it was very narrow because of all the VHS tapes. On the other hand, you know, anytime you want to watch Turner and Hooch, it's right there.

Right there. It's right there. Yeah. You're like dating a blockbuster. Yeah. Do you have Midnight Madness with Michael J. Fox? That's in the special interest section. Oh, thank you.

I'll just go over there towards the kitchen. Four weddings and a funeral. Do you guys remember the special interest section where you could rent the video for free from Blockbuster? Oh, that's where I got, boy, Cartoon All-Stars Say No to Drugs. Yes. Oh, my. I didn't know that. No.

It's a great team-up video where Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles and Donald Duck and Slimer help a kid to say no to drugs. Wait. Wow. And it worked. Weirdly, Porky Pig is there, and he wants the kid to say no to drugs. Wait, wow. And it worked. Weirdly, Porky Pig is there and he wants the kid to do drugs. He's pushing.

The irony though, the kid is high and imagined the whole thing. God, that is such a funny part of that is, yes, if you were on drugs, you would be. Yo, yo, so I wanted to do drugs, but it turns out a turtle. All my cartoon friends visited me. It was great. Porky's the voice for responsible drinking. Yo, yo, so I wanted to do drugs, but it turns out a turtle.

All my cartoon friends visited me. It was great. Porky's the voice for responsible drinkies. Yeah, exactly. Have you performed? And so you did the Crystal Palace. Yes, I did. Obviously, the thrill of a lifetime.

Yes, love it. Great mashed potatoes. My steak was a little overcooked, if you were wondering how my meal. My salmon was fantastic. Really? They serve it on a piece of wood. Whoa. Like an actual, like they just, they cook it on the piece of, like, it was delicious. Really? They serve it on a piece of wood. Whoa. Like an actual... Like they just...

They cook it on the piece of... Like it was delicious. Plank it up. That's what I say. Dude, plank it up. Take it. Yes. Yes.

So did you perform in any other like... In this tour, have you performed in any other kind of strange... I performed where you guys performed. I did a couple of rooms that you guys did. I did the WBUR in Boston. City Space in Boston. Yeah, City Space.

That City Space is gorgeous. Yeah, nice man books that room. Yes, yes. He's trying to help you out. Yeah, totally. Wasn't angry at us when we showed up 15 minutes before our show was supposed to start. I will say this about WBUR, and maybe I have told this story. It became a story that we would tell

on the rest of our tour just because it was so amazing. Okay. But in case you haven't heard this, I think it bears repeating because we're talking about the old BUR city space. So this is in beautiful, I guess maybe it's technically not Boston,

but it's near Boston. I think it's in Boston. It has a gargantuan, it's built into the public radio and television station. And there's a gargantuan picture window that is behind the audience as you sit on stage. Yes. Which means that when you're on stage, you're looking out across the audience of – I mean, what would you say? 3,000, 4,000 in our case? Yeah.

Yep. Yeah. Yes. Wow. Uh-huh. Yes. Everybody's sitting on each other's laps. Yes, I know.

Crammed in there. People in the, orphans in the rafters. There were a few people there to see Lamont Price, but mostly people there to see us. Lamont Price is very funny. But you're looking out across a picture window into the streets of Boston. And it's better than the – I've done shows with a similar dynamic but the other way around. And you would rather have the audience be looking at you on stage than looking at a traffic accident that's happening behind you. So you're grateful that it's you that's looking out. It is a little distracting.

So, you know, so we're so so so, you know, it's basically us on stage and the audience is looking at us and you're looking out. And as you know, there's this bit in our live show where Jesse has an extended monologue. And I I like to use that time just to, you know, get in touch with myself. Yeah. Have a recurring fantasy about convincing Kennedy to vote for Bernie Sanders. Yeah. Pick your nose, eat your boogers. Pick my nose, eat my boogers.

Smell my own farts. You know. Guys, you know, guys stuff. Guys stuff. Ooh, I'm a guy. I'm a guy. I love to smell my own farts and think about Kevin Sorbo. Yeah, lift those skirts.

Oh, yeah. It's Christmas, baby. Yeah, ding dong. Boy detective. Yeah. And then, so Jesse's doing this monologue, and I'm just kind of looking out over Boston, and a guy walks by, a man in a Celtics jersey walks by, does a double take, notices there's a show going on, double middle fingers up in the air, and then just walks off. He was not with anyone, so he was just doing it for me. He's like, oh, there's a guy.

Fuck him. There's a man doing something. Fuck him. Fuck that guy. It was great. It was the most, because we didn't get to spend a lot of time in Boston, so I got to just have a little Boston experience. He's like, wait, this guy thinks he's an artist? I'll tell you he's an artist.

Tom fucking Brady. Fuck you. That's art, you fucking asshole. It was a good space. It was a great space. But it made me feel like I was in the holodeck on Star Trek. It has holodeck vibes. But then it feels like, you know, like I created that show and the audience, were they really there?

You know what I mean? And then Al Capone escaped. I'm like, what's going on? You were dressed as Sherlock Holmes. Chris Ellen, did you ever go to – there was – Does that happen in Star Trek? Doesn't Al Capone get out of the holodeck or am I thinking of something else? I don't remember that one.

I do remember somewhere they were all dressed and they were in Victorian London and Picard was Sherlock Holmes. Anyway. Yes. Christella would know. Christella, you're the Star Trek dork. This is true. Is there an Al Capone one? I don't remember

the Al Capone one. Brian's going to look it up. Brian's going to look it up. Did you ever go to the bar in Las Vegas, bar slash club in Las Vegas that was Star Trek The Next Generation themed?

No. So there was? I did. I were. No. Did you go before? Because, okay, I went there.

I was there for a public radio conference that was in the same hotel that this bar is in. It's not one of the good ones. It was just like the Las Vegas Hyatt or something. Yeah. It was not a theme. It was just like hotel chain Las Vegas. Yes. And I went into this bar because I was at the public radio conference.

Yeah. It's me and my buddy Jad Abumrad or something like that. You know what I mean? Me and my friend Krista Tippett. I'm on a date with Krista Tippett. Oh, boy. It's the dream. Yeah, on Boning.

That's our show. Sorry, Krista Tippett. I bet you're a nice woman. I've never met her. Very dignified. Very brilliant. Dignified host. It's not that kind of show.

But I went into the bar and I'm like looking around and I'm like, this looks like Star Trek shit. And I went and asked somebody, is this a Star Trek bar? And they said, it was a Star Trek bar,

but they lost the license, but they didn't redo it. So they just took down all the things that said Star Trek. Now it's just the Astro Lounge or something. Yeah, just left it looking exactly like a set from Star Trek The Next Generation. Now it's called The Now Generation. Right. And they just served Pepsi.

So did you go see it with the theme or just – I saw it with the theme. So my college girlfriend was super into star trek uh i know uh wild that while i know really jordan you say no you had a girlfriend go ahead uh so we went on like a vacation like between uh between you know years college years uh so yeah we went specifically to see that because she had always wanted to. And yeah, you can go in a little, there's the little restaurant, and I remember we got a Ferengi-themed

onion ring tower. Oh my God! And I don't really know too much about Star Trek other than this Al Capone thing that may or may not be real. Brian? So it's not actually Al Capone, but there is a 1920s-themed episode

of the original series. With gangsters and mobsters and stuff. Okay. That's – we'll say half right. No Latinos though. Go ahead. Certainly not. Cristela, this is space. Why would there be –

I do have a theory though. Please. One theory, because of my love of Star Trek, is that I feel like nerds, we ended up winning in the future because of the holodeck we do cosplay. Oh. So we do like LARPing in the future. Sure. You never see jocks in the future. That's true. Yeah.

You ever see a jock on Star Trek? No. Right? None of them get pantsed. They never get pantsed. Right. They never get shoved in their space lockers. We have dominated in the future.

Right. We have dominated. I think that's the optimistic future that Star Trek presents. You know, they talk about the different futures of different sci-fi franchises. This is true. Star Trek is optimistic. You don't get pants even if you have a hairband on your face. Right.

So, yeah. hairband on your face right right uh so yeah so my college girlfriend and i went and we had a ferengi themed onion ring tower and some sort of like bubbling like bowl cocktail and then i think there's like a ride there's a borg ride that i vaguely remember um yeah that's it a borg ride but you don't remember kind of what what it was I think you fight the – it's one of those where it's like, you know, where you're kind of in the ride where it's like, come with me. Oh, like is it a virtual thing? Yeah, it's like a Star Tours kind of thing. So this is kind of like – Hold on.

This is like Star Wars Land before Star Wars Land. Yes, this is – yeah, this was a Galaxy's Edge where you could get an onion ring tower. Did it have Pee Wee Herman at all? No, yes. It did not have Pee Wee Herman voicing Rex. Seems like a mistake. Seems like it. Seems like a mistake.

Yes. Did have. There was an episode. Brian, can you look? There was an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where they used the holodeck to meet Pee Wee Herman, right? Look that up for me. Actually do it though. Actually do it, though. Actually look it up. I can't tell whether

this is a real thing that happened or just the only thing I wished would happen when I was 10 years old in the entire world. The only thing you wished that would happen. The only thing I took all my emotional energy towards was what if these guys... The spec script you wrote in crayon. From this show I watch on Channel 44.

Met Pee Wee Herman. It's a good way to stand out to a showrunner when you do your spec script and crayon absolutely you gotta stand you know i want to know more about them sure who's this insane person or child why does he call me mr Well, you had all the clues. Remember that? What a fun meme. That was really fun. God, that was a good meme. Oh, you do just talk about memes all the time. Yeah, what's your favorite?

Let's all go around the circle and say, describe a meme. How about that baby Yoda, huh? Yo, I'm in love with that baby Yoda. You're loving baby Yoda? You know, I have... For the at-home listener who can't see Cristela, Cristela

fully locked in as soon as the uh in Yoda was out. She locked in on a level, there was a level of focus that I can only describe as Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. Like, she got so fucking real when Baby

Yoda came up. Look, I'm 40 and I have never had a desire to have a child. Until now. So you don't want a human child. No, I don't. I want a Baby Yoda. If I could have a Baby Yoda, I would have a

Baby Yoda. I don't want to be vulgar. baby Yoda. If I could have a baby Yoda, I would have a baby Yoda. I just. Christa, I don't want to be vulgar. Go ahead. But I will. Are you willing to be inseminated by an adult Yoda in order to have a baby Yoda? Man, yes. It's better than a lot of the guys I've dated, actually. I have fucked worse. You've dated rancors. Yeah. Dude, Jar Jar Binks. Wow. I have fucked worse. You dated Rancor.

Dude, Jar Jar Binks. No, man. Fuck yeah. If I could get a Baby Yoda, totally. I, you know, it's something about Baby Yoda that it's just, I want a Baby Yoda. I think it's the closest to biological clock shit that I've ever gotten to. Baby Yoda, like legit. Wow. That's a powerful feeling. It's a very powerful feeling.

But, I mean, yeah, I mean, I think it's also, but yeah, I mean, there's the, you know, there's this slowed down aging process, so you probably wouldn't get to see him grow up, you know. Yeah, but you know what? Like, I just like babies, and then, like, I'm over them when they get, you know. Yeah, Teen Yoda's probably a fucking bummer.

Yeah, Teen Yoda's an asshole. You know what I mean? Stay out of my room, you know. Yeah, teen Yoda's probably a fucking bummer. Yeah, teen Yoda's an asshole. You know what I mean? Teen Yoda's an asshole. Stay out of my room, you will. Oh, God. I pay for that room, asshole. Hold on. I have to go pitch this back to, I have to go pitch this to Funny or Die back when it

was profitable. You totally have to do, yes, you have to do that. That was pretty brilliant. Thank you. That was a one-man show. Thank you. I'll be going on the road with... Baby Yoda and me.

Yes. Jordan, on behalf of Funny or Die back when it was profitable, let me just say, find a way to work in Axe Body Spray and it's sold. Done. Oh, man. Can I involve Don Cheadle back when he was not quite too famous for this? Yeah, exactly. Christella, do you think you would live, would you take care of baby Yoda in Yoda land or would baby Yoda live with you in your apartment? No, I would live in Yoda land because then I get to see other Yoda friends, like Yoda kids.

You guys would be Digglebot. You'd be Dobah, right? I mean, totally. I said Yoda-land, I think. Yeah. I'm sorry. I miss her. He said Yoda-land.

There's something wrong with my headphones. Yoda-land. An amusement park made for Yodas. Yoda-land. In Dagobah. In Dagobah. See, you didn't let us finish. Oh, I'm sorry.

God, jump the gun there, man. I'm sorry. Indigo bomb. See, you didn't let us finish. Oh, I'm sorry. God, jump the gun there, man. I'm sorry. By the way, did you hear they're building a new human land in Laguna Beach? Yes, I have heard. For us humans. The perfect place for me. Earth humans. Yeah.

As an Earth man, this looks like the right place for me. Oh, my God. None of this makes sense, but all of sense in the world. Do you think a new slogan for Jordan Jesse Go could be, none of this makes sense, but all of sense in the world? It'll make it sound profound. Like what we're doing is some sort of like performance art or something.

Yeah, this is like fucking Buddhism shit, man. When it's dark, there's light. That's this podcast. When you're hungry, you're full. Right. Just the opposite. Start it and then go opposite. Working mothers are the real heroes.

Yes, sir. One of the tenants of the Buddha. Right. Yes. Yes. Uh huh. Right.

Good. Do your podcast, do your episodes have just you laughing like for yeah we we sell what we do is we sell this to the few remaining uh multicam sitcoms yes because it is cheaper just to do it in a bare studio but you still need that laugh track so yeah the laugh track's amazing. Yeah, they use this nobody knows. I think, by the way, that Jordan learned a new kind of yes anding, which is where you say yes

and a synonym for yes. Yes and. Right. Good. Yes and good. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morse, boy detective. And Cristela Alonzo. You had a good nickname before. MC Scrabble Spinster. There you see? See? It hurts the second time you say it. Right.

Jordan Jesse goes coming to SF Sketch Fest, Jordan, in January, January 15th at the Punchline, 8 p.m. It's a Wednesday night. I want to make this clear, Jordan. Punchline is a small place. We sold this show out last year pretty quickly, and there were some disappointed people. So don't fuck around and blow this thing. Yeah, don't blow it for yourself.

Don't blow it for your family. Don't blow it for America. Don't wait to find out if our guest is Tony Hale or not. It was Tony Hale last time. Will it be this time? Hard to say. How will schedules align? Impossible to know. Right.

But yes, we Tony Hale or no Tony Hale Sketch Fest, we always have really, really cool guests and do some really fun stuff. Yeah, these are super super fun shows. We love Sketch Fest. I would say it's the top comedy festival. Would you say that?

Absolutely. Yes. SFSketchFest.com, January 15th, 8 p.m., Punchline. Come see us. It's going to be a blast. Yeah. I'm also doing Judge Sean Hodgman at SF Sketch Fest that same week, so you can get tickets for that as well. But, you know, between you, me, and the lamppost, Jordan, yes, it goes better.

That's where the real – I'm also here. Oh, Christella's best. Your best. What? No, you said between you and the lamppost. And the lamppost. Between you, me, the lamppost, Christella.

We call you the lamppost. You're not around. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Because you light up our lives with comedy. Oh, you're good. Thank you. You're good. Yes.

You're good. Yes, and good uh sketch fest sounds good it's a blast yeah you guys have you said your shows are sound fucking awesome they're fun yeah if you ever get a chance to do sketch fest you totally should it's a it's a blast yeah nice uh i want to mention the put this on shop it's the holiday season if you'd like to buy a gift for somebody uh you can get it at the put this onshop.com, putthisonshop.com. There's also a code Tuppies, just for Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners for free shipping on almost everything.

And we're having an in-person sale here in Los Angeles. So if you're in LA on December 15th, which is a Sunday, come stop by. It's going to be putthison stuff, but also lots of pals of mine who are vintage dealers of all kinds, including records and other men's and women's vintage clothing. So that'll be Sunday the 15th. You can find the information at PutThisOn.com, but it's at 2613 Pasadena, the soon-to-be headquarters of MaxFun.

Well, soon-to-be. We got a lot of work to do, but eventually to be headquarters of MaxFun, so you can come take a look at it while it is a slightly decrepit former hardware store. While it still is that. Also, we've got all kinds of sweet merch at MaxFunStore.com. Yeah, we got two new t-shirts for the

holiday gift-giving season. We got the Prank Bear t-shirt. It's a bear who pranks you and says, see you in the spring, assholes. Yeah, well, he also flips you the double. Specifically, he pranks you in the autumn. Sure. Then he flips the double bird at you.

Right, yes. And he says, see you in the spring, assholes, because he's going to go hibernate for a while. And we also have a Bart Simpson Always Has Table t-shirt, a t-shirt featuring a skateboard legally dissimilar from Bart Simpson's skateboard. It says table on it. You can get those at maxfunstore.com. A lot of other cool JJ Go and Max Fun merch there too. Yeah, we still got those tuppies. There's some tuppies shirts left.

Tuppies shirts, all kinds of good stuff. People were complaining the tuppies shirts were gone. There's a couple left. They're not gone. They're back in. There's a kinds of good stuff. People were complaining the tubby shirts were gone. There's a couple left. They're not gone. They're back in. There's a couple of them there. MaxFunStore.com, there's all kinds of cool shit. We got a lot of cool shit in the Max Fun Store right now.

Totally, yeah. It's awesome. Definitely, if you have a podcast fan on your holiday gift-giving list, these would be great gifts. They're very, very cool and definitely cooler than your average podcast merch, I'd say. Yeah. I mean, like, let's say your brother-in-law, Frank. Frank's a big podcast fan. Loves him.

Never misses a Joe Rogan experience. Always. He loves to experience Joe Rogan. Send him one of these T-shirts that's got a picture of Bart Simpson's skateboard on it. Sure. Underneath it says table. He'll love it and understand it. Yeah. He's love it and understand it.

Yeah. He's a big podcast fan. MaxFunStore.com for that. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Desico. Love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Editor.

Jordan Morris, my detective. And Crystal Alonzo, TVD. We did. We did. Earlier on, we did. Lean in. I can't do this. No, I know.

I'm way too far along in my career to let this happen. It's like Wolverine in that first X-Men movie. Does it hurt when they come out? Every time. Jordan. It's me with the nickname. Christelle has too much dignity. She's one year older than we are.

This is true. This is true. She's on his dark materials. She has a career. That's the difference between her and us. Christelle is out here doing things. And I forgot I was on His Dark Materials. Yeah, you've got so much going on, you forget that you're on a huge tentpole prestige show on HBO.

Oh, that thing? I'm only on Cinemax. I'm only on, ooh. Yeah. Yeah. I play an undercover ooh. Yeah. Yeah. I play an undercover cop who gets it a little too deep. It's sexy, but you don't see my dong. That's the name of the movie.

Yeah. It's sexy, but you don't see my dong. But you don't see my dong. I have a question. Now that you're doing this and I don't see your dong, does that mean I just won't have to see your dong anymore? Because I'm getting real sick of seeing your dong. Sorry, man. I'm going to keep texting. It's your professional environment,

Jordan. Nope. Sorry. I don't deal with all your PC snowflake new rules. I'm a... All right. Subscribe to my Patreon. I don't know. Let's look at Hershey Kisses from earlier. Yeah. Hey, we got calls. We at her. She kisses from earlier. Yeah.

Hey, we got calls. We got one of those Lexus Patreons. Am I doing that right? Sure. Yeah. It's all the running bits are all kind of getting mushed and hard to say if they were any good to begin with. Do you have table? I don't know, man.

You guys are calling back callbacks. It's the turducken of callbacks. Yes. This is a turducken. Christelle, I'll tell you this. Yes. I wouldn't say that coherency is our strength or comedy. No.

Podcasting. Nope. Theme. But we do know how to shove a bird inside another bird. Is that? Nope. That's John Madden. John Madden. Okay. John Madden's the one who knows how to do that. You know, I have this podcast that I do very infrequently, and on the road people asked me when I was going to start the podcast back up,

and I was surprised that people heard it, you know, because I'm not used to it. And I keep toying with this idea of doing it on a regular basis. And I always stop myself because podcasting is just such another world for me. But being here with you guys talking about nothing and doing such a good job of it, I'm like, I think I can do this. And we think you can too. I think I can do this. I've think you can too. I think I can do this.

I've offered you a podcast before, Christella. I'm here for you. I own a podcasting company. Yeah, but I don't know how it works. You're doing it. This is it. This is how it works. You move your jaw.

But then you move your lips and tongue to shape the sound into words. But then I got to come up with a t-shirt to sew. Baby Yoda. Oh, he's so cute. If we've proved anything, Krista. Remember in the last episode where he held a little cup of soup? That's so funny. He held a little soup.

What were you saying, Jesse? I was saying if we've proved anything, it can literally be anything. It doesn't need to be something. Really, you know, because honestly, that's one of the things that stops me from doing a podcast is that I try to be so meticulous with it that when I do, they have a format. Like they have a list of things that I want to talk about. Look, Christelle, we'll have a meeting. Christelle, we'll have a meeting. When something momentous happens to you, like a podcasting big shot with his own podcasting company offers you a blank check.

You should do a Star Trek one. I can't. Yeah, okay. Oh, no. No. We ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org for our segment Momentous Occasions. One such occasion is as thus. Hi, Gordon, Jesse, guests. This is Luke from Boston.

I have a momentous occasion. So I was at the farmer's market where I sell bread yesterday, which is Saturday morning, and a woman comes up. Can you pause that for a second? Did Luke say that they sell thread? I thought it was thread or bread, but I thought it was thread. Bread. Bread is something that eats like textiles. I think thread was the first instinct I had, but then I stopped myself.

Well, let's see. Maybe the rest of the call will reveal what the item was. Because thread is something that a Victorian street urchin would sell at the farmer's market. Oh, right, like matches. Yes. Okay, go ahead, Brian. I was at a market where I sell bread yesterday, which is Saturday morning. And a woman comes up, and she's looking through, and she buys a loaf, and she tells me that what it's for is for church tomorrow morning. I go, oh, that's nice.

She said, yeah, we're going to give it, what is it, the sacrament? I don't know. I'm not Catholic. we're going to give it, what is it, the sacrament? I don't know. I'm not Catholic. And I say, wait a minute. Is this going to be the body of Christ?

And she says, yes. So I sold a lady the body of Christ for $6. Anyway, have a good one. Here's my concern about this. Right. Well, certainly her bread is to become the body of Christ through the process of transubstantiation. Right. But it's just a bunch of bread right now.

You've got to transubstantiate it. You've got to get up there and sacrament it. But, I mean, I'm sure they have standards. You know, they're not just I mean, this they're not just going to the, you know, going to the Kroger and grabbing a wonder bread. I mean, it isn't Christ. Christ love the original wonder. Thank you. Thank you. Yes.

I want my bread to be wheat just like so it can be brown like his skin. That's right. I said it. I'm Catholic. Thank you. I'm Catholic. I'm Catholic. I'm Catholic. Thank you. I'm Catholic. I'm Catholic. I'm Catholic. Brown Christ.

Brown Christ. Can I have a farmer's market story from just this morning? Oh, wow. Oh, recent. Out of the press. I was at the Hollywood Farmer's Market to get myself some dried Plucots. Oh, wow. I know you guys love dried Plucots.

Sure. Well – Favorite thing. Because you're nasty. I usually buy apra-ums, but yeah. Potato, potato. Plucot, apricums. I also buy a lot of potatoes.

Potato, is that how you say it? No, I've only seen it written. Mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes, sure. Baked potatoes. Boxed potatoes. A boxed potato. Oh, we only do those after four.

I was buying some dried plukats. And if anybody's listening and you're going to visit the L.A. area, Hollywood Farmer's Market, best place to get yourself some dried Plukats. Hollywood Farmer's Market in the world of almost self-product tourist traps is a great one. It's a really nice place to visit. Yeah, it's nice. They've got those special carts. You got a cart. Get yourself all kinds of stuff. You get a nice boba. Nice butcher.

Really nice butcher there. All kinds of stuff. You get a nice boba. Really nice butcher there. So I was in line to buy the Plukots, and there was a woman next to me browsing the fruits. And this was a – and I would – and it's a little – this isn't a – I think the best term to describe her would be a hipster. She was wearing a – she know, she's wearing a denim jacket, had a, like a scarf, um, you know,

some tasteful tattoos, um, and a bag over her shoulder and sticking out of the top of the bag was one present, a samurai sword. Holy shit. It's just, she just,

this woman I would get by her look is either a yoga teacher or writes for Bob's Burgers or both. And she is at the farmer's market squeezing fruit while having she had a samurai sword with her. Is she doing a kill bill at the farmer's market or is that just the new hipster affect? Is that just the new. I mean, maybe she's making orange juice at home. That's true. And she doesn't have one of those ones where it squishes the whole orange. So you got to slice and dice some other way.

Exactly. Yeah. That makes sense. Also, though, I mean, I grew up, you ever been to those shopping malls that are not like, that are off brand? Sure. Yeah. They always have, like, I always find a store

that sells like Hello Kitty stuff and samurai swords together. So maybe she went to one of those stores. Oh yeah, could be this farmer's market was her second stop. Yeah, you know,

like she just went to pick up her farmer's market sword. Uh-huh. Her locally sourced sword. Yeah, cage-free, of course. Of course. Cage-free sword. A certified humane sword.

Yeah, that's the kind of, I went to this kind of mall occasionally as a kid. Of course. Of course. Cage-free sword. A certified humane sword. Yeah. That's the kind of – I went to this kind of mall occasionally as a kid. I would characterize it as the kind of mall where, you know, they have an anchor tenant in the mall usually. And the anchor tenant is a big store on the end that really lends its aura to the rest of the mall. If that is a footlocker, then you're in one of those kinds of malls. Yes, yes. Like the best, like the really premium spot is given over to the footlocker.

The one in my hometown, the anchor was Montgomery Wards. Oh, the brand name savings store. Yeah. Ooh, yes. We all have fond memories. And they always had like a store that sold like swords,

Hello Kitty stuff. Then there was a store that sold like swords, Hello Kitty stuff. Then there was another store that sold like figures from like horror movies and it was so weird. But then they also had like a dollar store that really sold a lot of like Asian teas.

I love those kind of malls that don't make sense. Like this podcast. They don't make sense but at the podcast. They don't make sense, but at the same time, it makes all the sense. It's a fine place to kill a couple hours. Jump in and go for a swim. Yes, I'm diving in. Let it run across your field of vision like a deer, soon to be forgotten. Is it a fitness thing?

Is there like sword fitness now? There has to be. Was she coming from a class? Maybe she's an actress doing a scene? Doing a scene. Our friend past Jordan Jesse Go guest Judy Greer.

Also one of the guest stars on Bubble starring Cristela Alonso. Last time I saw Judy Greer she told me all about how she stays healthy. And literally anything Judy Greer says to told me all about how she stays healthy. And literally anything Judy Greer says to you,

you're just excitedly nodding and smiling because you're so excited to be talking to this radiant human being. She said to me that for health, she does a lot of fitness trampolining in a woman's garage.

Well, you're not going to want to do that with a sword. That's a good way to chop your own head off. Boutique trampolining class in a garage in Silver Lake or something where a woman teaches six or seven women at a time to fitness tramp on the leans. And maybe I think this sword could be a fitness trend like that. Could be. Could be a garage-based fitness trend. Oh, yeah. You just sword fight for a couple hours and the last one alive has totally jacked quads.

It's like a Jedi workout. Oh, yeah. Maybe it is. Hey, why don't we have that? Why isn't that a thing? Like, not us, but you know what I mean? And if you're going to wear one of those bulky Jedi robes, you're going to sweat off some pounds. Sauna suit.

Yeah. I think my whole goal would be to look good in one of those Kill Bill outfits. Sure. Right. Yeah. What are you talking about? The yellow Bruce Lee one? Yeah.

Like a leather jumpsuit. That would be great. Yeah. I think we would all love to look good in a yellow. Why isn't that our goal? Let's do that. Let's make that our goal. That's our fitness goal.

Vision board. This is our Thinspiration for 2020. Thinspiration. Look good in a Kill Bill jumpsuit. Oh, my God. So we can sword fight at the farmer's market. Jordan, you're like a walking Pinterest board. Thank you.

Thinspiration. I'm a real glow up. And something else. Nail art? Nail art. There you go. And nail art? Nail art. There you go. And nail art. Just work it.

Do I have any more references? Do I have anything else that works here? I love both of your versions of Pinterest. Yes. Glow up in nail art. Spooey with chia seeds. I don't know. Inspirational phrase written in multiple fonts.

Quote attributed to Marilyn Monroe that she maybe didn't say. A t-shirt of lines that say be unique but there's a hundred of them. I like anxious Pinterest poster. That's a really fun one. Oh my god. You guys, I'm having a really good one. Oh, my God.

You guys, I'm having a really good time. Hey, you know what's going to be even more fun? What? Taking another call. Let's do it. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, Brian, and guest. This is Mike from Portland. I work in an office building late at night, and usually it's very quiet.

However, the last few few weeks there's been an intermittent buzzing sound in my office and it's been driving my co-workers and i just nuts the sound is infrequent enough that it took a lot of searching to discover that the sound was coming up from the floor well last night i got fed up with it enough to actually try to find the source of the sound. Can you pause this, Brian? Do you ever get the feeling that the caller's on cocaine? Yes, sometimes. I was going to say that the caller is just reading their letter that just got published in Penthouse.

Dear Jordan, Jesse, go. I never thought this would happen to me. I work nights at my college library. Yeah. Okay, press play, Brian. And after an hour of pressing my ear against walls and going into rooms that I'm probably not supposed to be in and counting steps to and from the elevator and just looking all around like a crazy person, I eventually found that the source was a piece of metal

vibrating against an air handler, like hidden up in the ceiling of a data center storage room. Needless to say, I found a ladder, tied the thing down, and now I can finally enjoy some more peace and quiet. This truly feels like a victory. Thanks. That wasn't nearly as sexy as the Penthouse Forum. I thought it was pretty sexy.

Oh, well, here's the thing. He's Christian. He only read the parts that he was comfortable in telling you. Right, right. You know? We'll just have to imagine the rest. That's like the Christian version of the hole in the sheet. You can write it in a letter to Penthouse, but you can't read it out loud on a pod.

There's a lot of loopholes. So, guys, this reminds me of something that I've been dealing with in my apartment. Please. Where it's about a noise. So I'm not kidding. Three months ago, right before four months ago, my smoke alarm, the battery went out. Right. And it starts beeping.

And I just wanted to change the battery so bad after a couple of days. But then one day. You could have changed the battery immediately. I didn't have the nine volt. So I didn't have that. So give me some, you know, cut me some slack. Then. What are you touching to your tongue to get an electrical jolt then?

Then I hear my neighbors that I don't care for. Right. Complain about the fire or like the smoke alarm. Complaining about yours. Yeah. Like they're like, someone just put a battery in that smoke alarm and I can't stand them. They are correct. but go ahead. Well, they've done things where I'm like, they're very loud sometimes.

You feel like this is kind of like, if you can give it, you should be able to get it. In terms of apartment noise. So I left for the tour. Wow. I left for the tour Wow I left for the tour And even now I'm back for like It's still beeping It is still beeping and I don't care

And that's like my payback And it's weird because it still beeps And I can hear them when they come in and out And it just makes me smile. Are you driving yourself crazy? No. You've become accustomed to it. Well, I live – my apartment is two floors.

So at night I wear earplugs anyway and I can't hear it at night. And then during the day I really haven't been home because of the tour. So it really hasn't bothered me at all. And it just makes me so happy. What are their greatest trespasses? What are the things they have been doing that have been annoying to you? You know, for the longest time, one of them was really into The Office, like in the last year. So you just hear it through the wall. Yes, yes, yes. And it's like they rewatched the whole year. So you just hear it through the wall. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And it's like they rewatched the whole series. Sure. And just wanted everybody in the building to know. So you could just hear The Office. We got new surround sound on our TV. We're going to blast The Office. They got it. They got surround sound.

So you can hear video games at all times. Like if there's a hot one that drops and stuff. Could be worse than The Office. I mean, a lot of people have been re-watching all of Friends lately. No, hey, man. Hey, look. I don't care what you do in your house. I don't want to fucking watch The Office.

What kind of sick shit you're up to. I don't know the kinds of crazy shit. What kind of high-quality television sitcom beloved by all. I don't care what fucking treasured classic you watch. I don't give a shit if you're watching Citizen Kane or The Godfather. Is that the finale of the New Heart show? You know what I mean? It's weird when you don't decide to watch it that now it's just on you now.

And look, they just do it towards the middle. They just let it go all night sometimes. Oh, they fall asleep with it on. You know what I mean? So it's a little annoying. So I've been trying to find a way. And I'm the neighbor that – I'm the one that follows the rules. You know what I mean?

And I don't say anything. Except when you go full psychopath with the beeping fire alarm. Listen, she cuts up a box before she throws it out, Jackie. I do. I do. I do. I do. She is literally playing with life and death.

She's willing to die for the cause of upsetting these office watching neighbors well i have another smoke alarm i have two more smoke alarms in my apartment yeah i mean look i i get it i you know i mean look we all have to go at some point we all have to go but yeah so it's been about four months now that smoke alarm beeps wow i mean that's that's something it's commitment i am i'm yeah i mean i definitely am i'm worried that i'm friends with you now just don't watch the office too loud you're fine i hope so it's just have i ever wronged you i hope not. Have you? Oh, no. You won't even see it coming, Jessica. You won't even see it coming.

I emailed my friend Glenn Washington to tell him about your new book. No, it really, no. I mean, to me, it was just something that I thought about and it just, it hit me while it was happening and it just made me feel so good. Like, it just made me feel so good. So that reminded of that because of the the metal sound that he was talking about and when you're on tour you're just like you're you know you're in your hotel room you're lying on your back you're like i had a great show sold a lot of copies of my great new book yeah my fucking neighbors are going crazy Life is great. Yes. Yes. Isn't that fantastic? I mean, bravo. Like, it's specific.

It's annoying. Mm-hmm. But it's not, like, in your face. It's not construction. Sure. You know what I mean? It's, like, subtle. I think it's really beautiful.

It's very beautiful. I think it's also a great—it's sort of like meditation in that it doesn't replace medication and therapy but it's a great complimentary Yes, exactly. It's a great you know, self-care is so important in today's society. And that makes me happy. Jordan loves his

pluots. I love my dried pluots. Are they a little expensive? Sure. I'm worth it. Yes, you are. I'm worth a healthy dried snack. If it can replace chips, it's worth it. Yeah.

I love chips. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la You wept as we crafted the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story. Like he forgives Darth Vader. Mesa still love you, Annie. You gasped out loud at the shocking twists of Face Off 2. Face is wild. He takes his kid's face.

What? We're writing an entire screenplay week by week on Story Break Season 2. Heaven Heist. Hey folks, Freddie Wong here with some exciting news about Story Break, the writer's room podcast where three Hollywood professionals have one hour to spin cinematic gold. We're shaking up our format by turning Heaven Heist, one of our favorite ideas we've ever come up with on the show, into a full screenplay. Heaven Heist is an action comedy about a crew of ever come up with on the show, into a full screenplay.

Heaven Heist is an action comedy about a crew of misfit gangsters robbing the celestial bank of heaven. Think a Coco Meets Point Break. Join us as we write this crazy movie scene by scene and get an inside look at the screenwriting process on our podcast Story Break every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. We interrupt the podcast you're listening to to tell you about another podcast. La, la, la, la, la, la. We interrupt the podcast you're listening to to tell you about another podcast. That's right. We got this with Mark and Hal. That's correct, Mark. This is Hal.

We do the hard work for you, settling all of the meaningless arguments you have with your friends. So tune in every week on the Maximum Fun Network for We Got This with Mark and Hal. And all your questions will be asked and answered. You're welcome. All right, that's enough of that.

We got this. It's Jordan, Jesse, I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la-M-A, Oklahoma. Second show in El Paso. She's in demand, folks. I'm doing Tucson, and I'm ending it in Phoenix. Oh, yeah. Yes, Phoenix. Like a phoenix descending into the ashes. That's why. To go to sleep.

Finally. They love to sleep. With my new battery and my smoke alarm. Christella, I just finished your new book, Music to My Years, and it's great. I loved it. I laughed. I felt very intense, deep feelings that you normally don't feel reading a comedian's memoir because it is very honest and very heartfelt. And yeah, I recommend it to everybody.

Get a copy if you go out to see her on the road but if you can't you should buy a copy of music to my ears when Cristella comes on this show we talk about bullshit and Star Trek and goof around Cristella has had a truly extraordinary

first half of her life in addition to her extraordinary achievements she's been through so many remarkable first half of her life. In addition to her extraordinary achievements, she's been through so many remarkable experiences that you will want to hear about. And I know, I will say that she's totally a hero

of mine, and I mean that, buddy. But like in addition to being as hilarious as you hear on this show and see in her stand-up specials, she has a lot of stuff to talk about when she's talking about her life. That is fascinating, beautiful, amazing, et cetera. And that's that's the stuff that's in her book. So don't miss out on it.

You guys, that's so nice. Look, you guys have always been i've i don't think i've ever done anything else with another podcast network and it's good they all suck yeah fuck them all i do i do one other podcast every now and then but max fun is like the one i do so much it's so weird because i don't have a – they're like, why? I'm like, I don't know. They just keep inviting me. I like Cristela.

That's why. It's great. And your book has a really cool kind of framing device in that each part of the book is about a part of your life and you kind of springboard off like a song that was important to you at the time. It's a really cool like way to like get at memories. I thought it was a really neat thing. Yeah, and I wanted to pick – like I thought it was cool to see how some random songs connect to random stories, which I think actually shows the authenticity of it because everybody can try to curate this badass playlist that sounds like you've been a fucking badass since you were born.

But we have it, you know, like we have it. So when I started making the list of like certain moments that I really wanted people to learn about me, I was actually really surprised at the songs that I kind of put together. You know, it's an interesting mix. But I also like the evolution of, you know, the first song is Boston's More Than a Feeling. And the last song is a tribe called Quest, We the People. In between all spin doctors. 100% spin doctors.

Jimmy Olsen's Blues, Pocket Full of Kryptonite. Dude, I only do Three Princes over and over again. Deep cuts. B-side. Each chapter is a different verse of the song. But it's great. I think if you're – if, you know, it makes a great gift. I think great for a comedy fan, great for just like – yeah, this is such a great catch-all book that anybody would enjoy.

There's so many like comic books, comedian books where I'm like, oh, if you're a fan of theirs, you would love it. I think for your fans, for people who don't know you great, I think anybody can enjoy this. You know, it's really cool. I've been on the road and I do the meet and greets after the shows. And it's funny. I've met a lot of college professors that are going to start teaching the book in their courses, which is actually really ridiculously awesome. I mean, you never expect anything like that. You don't even – I wrote it because I wanted to write it.

Like I didn't think about what it would do or anything. So that's been very cool to me. I love that. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, it's a slam dunk, can't miss purchase. So yeah, get down to your bookstore or your online retailer. Yes, your indie online retailer. Yes, your indie.

Yes. Whatever the indiest online retailer you can find is. Get on down. Music to my ears. It's great. I want to mention one other thing before we go, which is, so last week I talked about my friend who passed away and the memorial fund that we set up for him. His name was Evan Larson. And I got to go – when I was home for Thanksgiving, I got to go to a little – not quite a service for him but a little like gathering of friends and family and stuff.

And it was really awesome and amazing. And one of the people who was there who I didn't know, there were people that I hadn't known from childhood and stuff, but one of the people who was a really close friend of Evan's as an adult spoke very beautifully about Evan. And he alluded to hearing on Jordan Jesse Go, the story about Evan's mom only buying him socks for Christmas, which she totally would buy him socks for Christmas every year. And her defense was that she would buy all the different colors of socks from The Gap

where they had colored socks. And that made it cool and fun then she gave him socks for christmas and in fact i mentioned it to her at the thing and she defended it to me again and i was like libby you're a wonderful parent i'm not questioning that i'm just saying um but anyway uh so and i was talking to and I was talking to him. I was talking to him after the thing was done. And he said he'd been a Jordan Jesse Go listener for a really long time. And actually he said hearing about me as a kid going to meetings with my dad, which I did a lot. My dad was in AA – I lot. My dad was in AA.

I mean my dad's still in AA. Helped him when he had a kid get his life on track so that he could be responsible for his kid. And it was just really like this guy who had spoken so beautifully about his relationship with this friend that we both really loved. And to hear that it had that effect on him, that our show had had that effect on him, really was very moving for me. And I really – it was a nice time to feel like we were contributing something to the world since it was such a sad occasion. And besides that, we set up this memorial fund to benefit the Homeless Youth Alliance who do direct services for homeless young people in San Francisco. And we have now raised the last count, and it's a few days old, but Max Fund donated $5,000. Evan's dad just emailed me and said that he matched the $5,000.

Hey, that's great. And I talked to the woman at HYA, and she said that they have raised more than $5,000 from over 100 donors outside of us. So that's now more than $15,000. And who knows? Maybe we'll make it up to $20,000. You can go to MaximumFund.org slash Evan if you want to make a contribution. And certainly $10 or $5 is really appreciated. But I definitely – I know because of Evan's dad's email how much it meant to him. His name is Tom and Libby, his wife, and other pals and stuff. And I know that a lot of those people who gave were people who didn't know Evan but just heard about him on this show or judged on Hodgman or something. And I'm really grateful to all of you for doing that. During my Thanksgiving week where I was doing a lot of hard, sad things, like being able to follow that and see how much money we were raising for kids who really need a hand made me feel really great, like really made a big difference for me.

And I'm really grateful to everybody who thing that I found that I really enjoyed that folks might enjoy is if you look on Instagram with the hashtag SPESH, S-P-E-S-H, or SPESHBKF, you can see a lot of Evan's pieces. Evan was a really gifted artist in general and did a lot of big graffiti pieces in San Francisco and across the country. And I spent a lot of time scrolling through Instagram looking at how amazing his work was. So if you want to check out some of his work, BKF, by the way, stands for Big Kid Forever, which was his crew. So, yeah, hashtag SpeshBKF on Instagram. Check out some of those cool pieces. I posted a few on Twitter and shit too. But thanks to everybody. And if you want to join in, it's MaximumFun.org slash Evan.

So, yeah, you people all rule, but you already knew that. It's been really cool. And I offer you very deep thanks because it made a big difference for me and will make a big difference for those kids. Also by Christella's book, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. Nails the dismount every time. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. Nails the dismount every time. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. You can hashtag it

JJGo on Twitter. You can follow us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne at Cristella9. Yes, that's me. That's the one. It's from memory, folks.

Look at that. You can follow Cristella on Twitter. You can join us, folks. Click at that. You can follow Christella on Twitter. You can join us on Facebook just like Jordan and Jesse. Go join that MaxFun Facebook group. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. Don't forget to hit the MaxFun store and buy some T-shirts and whatnot now that you've enjoyed 75, 80 minutes of this wonderful program. Probably about 20 minutes. Too many, as always of this wonderful program. Probably about 20 minutes.

Too many, as always. Doubtful. Our great guest headed next to Oklahoma City, Phoenix, Arizona, El Paso, Texas, and possibly a fourth place. Phoenix. Tucson. Tucson, Arizona. Probably one of those. The great Cristela Alonso.

You guys, I had such a great time. You guys are awesome. You're the best. Oh, my God. We should do this again sometime. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Let's do it again sometime.

You guys are going to hang out now. That's true. We keep saying that. Yes. I think we will. Down at the farmer's market, get some pluots. Yeah, come with me to get some pluots next weekend. I'm going to have all these pluots done by Tuesday.

Pluot party. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Get an Asian pear, maybe. Come with me to get some pluots next weekend. I'm going to have all these pluots done by Tuesday. Pluot party. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Get an Asian pear maybe. Oh, that sounds like a fun dried fruit. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. Maximumfun.org.

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