Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 614: Christmas Rhombus with Ted Leo and Aimee Mann

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

Ted Leo (The Art of Process Podcast, The Hanged Man album) and Aimee Mann (The Art of Process Podcast, Mental Illness album) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how Aimee has been watching All Creatures Great and Small and Jesse is pumped, Aimee's and Ted's melancholic approach to making Christmas music, the lesser-known Christmas song about a donkey that has a special place in Ted's heart. Plus, Ted and Aimee help out with some holiday quandaries sent in by listeners.  If you are in Los Angeles, go see Ted and Aimee's Holiday Spectacular at Largo this week! Get tickets here!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Hot Pants Thorne. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Those aren't hot pants. So this causes a lot of confusion. Temperature wise, not because I'm, I must say, usually I'm physically attracted to you. Yeah. Not in those pants though. Really? No. These are really damp'm physically attracted to you. Yeah. Not in those pants, though.

Really? No. These are really dampening your attraction to me. Yeah, sorry. So, I mean, I would say that they're the opposite of hot pants, unless they're making you warm temperature-wise. Yeah, that's the exact issue. Oh, I see. These are not short shorts.

Mm-hmm. Although, I mean, we want to talk about who likes short shorts. I like short shorts. Sure. That's a song, I think. Yeah. Song. You want to talk about who likes short shorts. I like short shorts. Sure. That's a song, I think. Yeah. These are a heavy woolen pant that I put on this morning because I was leaving the house at like 6 a.m. in the rain to go to the flea market.

Right. They served their purpose well at the flea market. But then instead of changing pants midday, I took a nap while watching the football game. In the wool pants. And the wool pants stayed, and I was unable to change the wool pants. And we're going to be in this studio. My legs are going to be getting hotter and hotter. Well, hey, it doesn't have to be like that.

Brian, get some scissors. Let's make those into wool shorts. Yes. Wool shorts. Wool shorts. Will shorts. Yes, Will Puzzle Master wool shorts. Yes. Wool shorts. Wool shorts. Will shorts. Yes, Will Puzzle Master Wool Shorts. How are you doing, buddy?

Oh, good. Just saying stuff that sounds like other stuff. Having some herbal tea, it looks like. Having a little herbal tea. Oh, I had an herbal tea character for a while, didn't I? Yeah, I think you did. Okay, let me see if I can remember what this herbal tea character sounds like. I hope you can because I can't. Okay, hold on. Sip the tea. That'll help jot your memory.

I think he's coming back. Like Proust's Madelines. I think I can see him waving at me. I'm just so proud of my son. There he is. He's proud of his son. He's proud of his son. What? Can I ask?

Well, my son had a rough couple years, but he's really getting it together. Wow. Hold on. He's taking a correspondence course. There's my famous character. Wow. Herbal Tea Calm Man. Those credits are transferable.

Calmaman. Herbal, Herbal, his whole full name is Herbal Tea Calmaman. Oh, okay. Yeah. So if any time you want to talk to Herbal, just ask me if Herbal is here. Yeah. And then I'll see if I can find him in this crazy little apartment building we call A Brain of Mine. It's full of characters.

Is it really? No, just the one. Okay. Oh, and Bronx guy, I guess. Hey, yo. Anyway, so yeah, those two. Those two live in an apartment building together. Jordan, it's a holiday season.

Should we introduce our holiday guests on the program? Yes, I would love to. I think you could argue that these are holiday pants. Is that a hot pants? How would you make that argument? They're brown, the color of the Yuletide. They're a mossy green. Oh, okay.

With a red overcheck. Red and green, of course, are the colors of the season. There you go. I'm sorry. These are exactly the pants you would want. They look brown from where I'm sitting. You know, I initially bought these because they were a required uniform for my wassailing team. Oh, yeah?

But you get- What happened to the wassailing team. Oh, yeah? But what happened to the wassailing team? Oh, we went a-wassailing, but a few didn't come back, and we decided to disband. Oh, no. Yeah. They died while wassailing? It's a dangerous game.

Yeah. Not the most dangerous game. That's Hunting Man. That's Hunting Man for sport, of course. The second most dangerous game. Is going a-wassailing. Hey, our holiday-themed guests. Yes.

Very special. They're here in- Very special. They're here in the great city of Los Angeles because, well, one of them lives here. The other one is performing with the first one in a holiday spectacular, a nationally touring holiday spectacular. They're the hosts of The Art of Process here on MaximumFun.org. They are Amy Mann and Ted Leo. Hi, Amy and Ted.

Hello. Hello. I have so many comments. Oh, gosh. I know. Yeah, well, Amy, you first. What are your comments? Well, first, the Christmas show is not nationally touring.

It's only at the Largo. It has been in the past. In the past, it has. And it may yet be again. This year, no. We couldn't get it together for the touring company. It may rise like the other Jesus. Oh, Jesus rose.

The other Jesus. Maybe you could do an Easter tour. Well, this is what... Yeah, the show's called The Other Jesus. The other thing is, can't get enough of pants talk. Yeah. I agree. Let's discuss these pants.

Let's discuss the pants. I would say this color is kind of a Loden. Oh, yeah. Because it's got that tweedy check. Not really check, but... Is there a slight herringbone going on in there? Yeah, it's a slight herringbone. There is a herringbone in there, yeah.

A little subtle herringbone? There's a subtle herringbone. Now, my husband and I have been watching a television show that he loves, that he sort of foisted on me, that's called All Creatures Great and Small. Yes! Yes! The greatest paint show of all time! It's so, the clothes are so great, and they're all of these, like, fair isle vest, sweater vest, and tweed.

Wait, are you against this? No, no, I love it. If I was married to someone who was making me watch All Creatures Great and Small, I'd never leave the house again. It's kind of awesome. It's like, but it is such a, like a BBC show with, from the 70s

shot on videotape. I was going to say a lot of awkward transitions between film and video. Film outside. They film outdoors on film and indoors on video.

And it's about a veterinarian's assistant, not even the vet, not even the main vet. The main vet is, Siegfried is amazing. The actor is amazing fucking gorgeous and because it's about uh a vet there are shots with a guy's arm just directly inside

the uterus of a cow and you wonder how they did that what was going on in england of the 1970s they were just like here's here's deal, guy who plays James Harriet. We're going to give you a two-week veterinary course, and we're just going to send you out there to the Dales and get your arm up some cows. Yeah. Do these appear to be real cows? They're 100% real. There is no budget for any kind of ledger domain.

It is not a CGI cow. There's a little bit of – I mean I'm so thrilled to go back to the days of practical cows, right? I mean CGI, it just looks so fake. I mean CGI didn't exist yet. I think the best they could have done would have been that kind of – not claymation but that kind of like Sinbad. Oh, right. a stop motion. The old Kraken.

Yes. Right, exactly. Kind of a Ray Harah housing cow. They're actually cutting back and forth between, you know, an actual veterinarian doing some kind of round. But it's like, no, that's the actual actor. What are you doing? Why is this a two shot?

Why not just shoot a close-up? Why do you need to have the cow and the actor in the shot with the arm up the cow? It's incredible. And the hygiene is really rudimentary. Give me a bucket and a bar of soap. In both the books, I also like to read the books. The books were great, yeah. In both the television show and the books, like one of the main things is can you go get me a bucket?

It's all just give me a bucket. Go get me a – like he just shows up. I just need a bucket. Shows up on a farm. The farmer says, hey there, Harriet. And then he says – She's my favorite cow. I hear a lot.

Exactly. She's a good milker. And James Harriet says, can you bring me a bucket? Yeah. I'll need a lot. She's a good milker. And James Harriet says, can you bring me a bucket? Yeah. I'll need a bucket. He could travel with a bucket. He travels with a lot of stuff. It's not out of the question to assume a farm is going to have a bucket.

Yeah. But your point is taken. You put one – you'd use your own bucket for one thing. It might not be hygienic to use it for another thing. That's true. Sure. Maybe it's an apple bucket. Sure. Maybe it's a bucket for one thing, it might not be hygienic to use it for another thing. That's true. Sure. Maybe it's an apple bucket. Sure.

Maybe it's a bucket for a child. They don't seem to care. A child bathing bucket. Yeah, a child bathing bucket. Baby bathing bucket. Yeah. A BBB. Sure.

Yeah, I love it. Nice big bad BBB. Big bad BBB. British baby bathing bucket. British baby bathing bucket. British baby bathing bucket. Now we'reB. British Baby Bathing Bucket. British Baby Bathing Bucket. British Baby Bathing Bucket. British Baby Bathing Bucket. Now we're warmed up. We can start the podcast.

I'm so happy that you watched that television show, Amy. This is wonderful. I have the DVD box set, not to brag. I'm sorry to interrupt. Did you get that from the Signals catalog? Yes. Oh, my God. Along with my cassette tapes of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio show.

Not springing for the Blu-rays on those? I think you really want to see those video segments in ultra clear. In all their gorgeous graininess. I think so, yeah. Something I like about that television show is they're all very good looking and shot very unflatteringly and have very British teeth. Yes. So it is like – like I kind of have a crush on the woman who plays James Harriot's wife on the show. Haven't even gotten to his getting married.

She hasn't even gotten married yet. Well, you're going to love this. Spoiler, man. Come on. She's a real ray of sunshine. But I think she's very beautiful, very charming. And what's interesting about it is that she's so often shot in unflattering light. Lighting is terrible.

Like all of them, all of them, it's just a weird pasty wash across the set. Yeah, yeah. Unflattering shadows. I like it because it makes me feel like I could work in television. Uh-huh. Basically. Yeah. Well, you got the pants for it.

Yeah. I'm ready, Hollywood. Yeah, put that on your audition seat. Bring's own pants. So you guys are, you guys have a holiday show that is – that you've done. You've done this holiday show before. What are both of your relationships to the holiday season? What are the Leo and Mayan holiday traditions?

Ooh. Are you Christmas celebrators? We can start there. Yeah. Yeah. Christmas celebrators, I – you know, mostly i can't get it together and then the holiday's over like i mean i'm i'm up for it i like i like a tree and decorations we're not we're just bad we're bad at it and all and like also i think all of my holiday spirit goes into getting

this show together which is good it gives you. It's a way to actually do something that you are forced to do because people have bought tickets to come. Are you guys better? It's like, I better fucking dredge up some Christmas cheer. So one way or the other, we'll be singing Christmas songs

and looking at someone in a Santa suit. But I think that we both, I mean, when we started doing this together, I think it was partly because we both had bonded on the fact that we both do like – like we like the Dickensian Christmas vibe. We like the Higa. You like a stocking filled with oranges. Yes. Stocking filled with oranges and some holly and some, you know, spite, like, you know, mold. Yeah. Something mold.

Can I back up to Higa for a second? Sure. That is something I've been seeing people chatting about online. I don't think I have a clear definition of it. Is it something you can define for me? I think it's a Danish word, but it's that kind of Scandinavian cozy minimal stylish

but cozy The outside world is hostile to the point of mortal danger because of the weather but inside the fire is crackling

your furniture has clean lines The weather. And then, but inside, the fire's crackling. Your furniture has clean lines. And your lap blanket is- And your stocking is full of oranges. Could be a chunky knit throw. Yeah, a chunky knit throw. Probably your sandwich is open-faced and creative. Something melted on them. Yeah.

Okay. This just sounds good. Thank you. I still don't understand. So yeah. So you both like – how do you both feel about Christmas music? I kind of like it. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean I got into this because my manager – I think it was like 2009 or maybe. No. Not – a longer – A little earlier than that I think. 2005. I or maybe. No, not. A little earlier than that, I think. 2005. I can't remember. A long time ago.

My manager said, suggested I make a Christmas record, which I thought was a ridiculous idea. And then I started thinking about like, well, if I did, you know, your mind just immediately goes like, what would that look like? And then I realized that there are songs, there are Christmas songs that I do really like, and that there's kind of like this quiet, almost spookiness about Christmas that I really like. And so I started thinking about it in earnest and ended up and did end up making a Christmas record. Now, having said that, I think he was thinking, you're too depressing, make a Christmas record to show people that you have a cheerful side, which is like, I don't know who you think you're dealing with. So, of course, my Christmas record was like, it's very moody. On brand.

Yeah, it was completely on brand. And then he also suggested a Christmas show, which, once again, I've ruined the concept of a Christmas show. I don't know. I mean, it's reasonably cheerful. It's not un-cheerful. Yeah, no. The show is fun. We've written Christmas songs together. It's actually a lot of comedy stuff. We've written Christmas songs together that are

kind of downers. Yeah, they're mordant. But that's real too. I mean, you know, part of the holiday for a lot of people, if not everybody, is, you know, reflecting on loss. Yeah, I'll be home for Christmas. Another year wasted. Yeah. So that's what we channel sometimes.

Why do we work in entertainment, et cetera, et cetera? Why not add something to the world? Sure. Should I just be playing video games on Twitch? This is maybe me personally, me personally, what I'm wondering. So you can apply your own whatever to that. Do you two have, because I have, and I'm going to hold it back for right now. I have a strong preferred number one Christmas music recording.

Oh, okay. But did the two of you have particular favorite Christmas songs, not to sing, but to hear in the drugstore or to put on in the stereo at home?

And I'll actually add to this because I have a couple Christmas songs that I like. I thought you were going to break into song just then. Because I I don't have any strong feelings about this topic.

No, I actually have a Christmas song that I loathe. Okay. So I don't know if you have faves and non-faves, but I would love to hear about either of them. Favorite record, which is – I must have just heard it a million times when I was a kid. So to me it is the Christmas record is Johnny Mathis, Christmas. That's a great choice. And that just got lodged in and I can listen to that over and over and over. I feel like Christmas – a Christmas crooner, a Johnny Mathis, a Bing Crosby, a Nat King Cole.

Dean Martin. It is really the peak of that kind of music for me. Yes, agreed. I am always happy to hear a straight ahead 1950 recording of one of those people singing a regular Christmas song other than like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Yes. Like children's novelty songs I'm not nuts about. Yeah.

But, you know, just a real straight ahead Christmas song. Those things, yes. Have Nat King Cole sing it. I'm thrilled. Have Johnny Mathis sing it. I'm thrilled. The Christmas song written by the Jewish man. Yes.

Right? Yes. Those are the ones. Silver Bells, et cetera. Yeah. Chest Right? Yes. Those are the ones. Silver bells, et cetera. Yeah. Chestnuts roasting. That's the top. I also really like in that genre, I like the dips into the hymnal.

I really respond to Oh Holy Night. That's a really beautiful song. Went done well by some crooner of the era. I have some non-traditional faves that we have actually gotten into arguments about, Amy. Like I Love Adventures Christmas album. Oh, yeah. Sure. That is so un-Christmassy.

It's so like, let's go to the beach. How Christmassy is that? That's part of the fun. There's a dissonance there. It's the gift of board shorts. You can't have guitars in the snow. No, you can't. Surfing is the reason for the season.

Snow on the beach doesn't make sense. Sure. It doesn't conjure beach to me. It just conjures rock and roll snow day. Ew, I hate, first of all. Rock and roll sledding. Ew, rock and roll snow day. Ew, I hate, first of all. Rock and roll sledding. Ew, rock and roll sledding. You can't make Christmas cool or groovy in any way.

I disagree. Have you heard the James Brown Christmas record? Yeah, those are pretty cool. Those are great. Those are great. Those are both groovy and cool. Otis Redding has some cool Christmas songs. Fine. I would say my Christmas genre generally is I really like an early R&B Christmas song, like a Charles Brown or an Amos Milburn or something like that.

That's like the ones where I am most happy to have them in the background at any given time even though i've heard them a thousand times like a piano blues type of thing interesting and then but my we need to explore that more yeah my strongly number one christmas and probably my favorite christmas album is the jackson five one although i also like the phil specter one murderer though he may be. But I- The murdering part kind of wrecks the Christmas spirit. It does. It kind of loses the Christmas spirit. So you like any Christmas album that's slightly problematic.

Yeah, exactly. You have to do a little mental gymnastics to listen to. Profoundly problematic. I had Ronnie Spector on The Sound of Young America once, and she was so fucking cool and fun. on The Sound of Young America once, and she was so fucking cool and fun. Yeah. Like, she delivered on what you would like to get out of talking to Ronnie Spector

so spectacularly, like, so 12 out of 10 that it warmed my heart permanently despite the fact that it was all arranged by an actual murderer. Yeah. But my favorite Christmas recording by a mile is this Christmas by Donny Hathaway.

Which apparently was just written by a woman who was... Last Christmas. That has... That's a good one. That's my favorite five seconds of music. I don't have a strong feeling about the rest of the

song, but... That should just be the end of all songs. That song was written by a woman who was not a songwriter and not a professional musician. She was a woman who knew someone who knew Donny Hathaway. She wrote it. She was a secretary. She wrote the song. It's the only – I don't know. It may even be the only published song she ever wrote, but

it's certainly the only hit song she ever wrote. She passed it to somebody who passed it to Donny Hathaway. Donny Hathaway was a production and arrangement genius and singing genius and made the record. And yeah, I think it's like- We have to do it now. Totally perfect. Why didn't I think of that? Yeah, that's a great one.

Make sure you do... That's what everybody's waiting for. Now let's talk about most hated songs. Yeah, why do you... Should I tell them... Can I tell... Should I tell them... Should I give away a portion of our show by telling them about the other Christmas song in my life?

Yes, you should. Sure. I'm not sure what you're talking about. The donkey song? Oh, yeah, yeah., you should. Sure. I'm not sure what you're talking about. The donkey song? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Sure. I know a donkey Christmas song

that fucking sucks. Unless you love it. Is it Dominic the Christmas Donkey? It's not Dominic the Christmas Donkey. Wait, there's another Christmas donkey song? Christmas donkeys? Yeah, there's one called

Dominic the Christmas Donkey that everybody thinks I'm talking about when I talk about this one. Please, tell me about this second donkey song. So, this is just called the donkey song this is worth going to the show alone to see ted do this i'll make this as brief as possible no please get into it so you know we in my family we had one of those compilation records that had all the crooners on it and uh

it was ed ames who sings this the donkey donkey song. And I'm not going to, you know, I get along great with my father right now, so I'm not going to like harp on this, but. No, destroy a relationship, Ted. There's a history in our family. Ted, now, Ted Leo Sr. is a big Jordan Jesse Coe listener. Right. Wouldn't surprise me. There is a history of.

He actually listened to it back in college, but now he listens more of a Flophouse. Didn't we have a listener at a live show who had gotten in a car accident with Ted's dad? Oh, I don't know. Yes. Brian is nodding yes. Brian is nodding less. Wow. I was like, why do I remember Ted Leo Sr. Now, would that be relatively, would that be because my dad was driving my car and totaled it in an accident.

Oh, my God. About five years ago, six years ago. That seems about right. That feels about right. Yeah, I think, yeah, we had somebody at the live show at Max Fun Con say that they were, yeah, they had gotten into an accident with him. Oh, wow. And it was like a really, very, very pleasant, really, really pleasant experience for him.

I think it was their fault, this person's fault, and your dad was really nice about it. I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah, your father made a lifelong friend. It sounds like it was less pleasant for your car, Ted. My car's gone, so I never had a chance to ask it. So, Ted, you want to maintain your relationship with your father.

However, there is a history of if there are emotions to be had in a room, he must have all of them. Oh, wow. It can be tough sometimes. You should go into punk rock. tough sometimes you should go into punk rock um so uh but there was a point when and in fairness to him also uh myself and my younger siblings uh were often little pieces of shit and um we noticed at one point that uh when this donkey song when the first notes of the oboe begin the song i think it's an oboe. Or like an English horn. A reed.

Amy, now I know you think the guitar has no place in Christmas music. How do you feel about the oboe? I think it's probably the only place the oboe should play. Right.

Yeah. It's really funny because it just reminds me of like, oh, that's why I didn't want the oboe on a song I'm working on. I was like,

I don't like the oboe. The oboe just has a vibe and I couldn't figure out why, but it's nice. It's because of the donkey song? Hey, remember when we were kids, the oboes would come out after Thanksgiving? It's like Halloween's not even over yet.

The oboes are coming out. Yeah, I feel like the, I know the Three Kings brought frankincense, myrrh, oboes, and bassoons. He added a fourth king in there, Jesse. Yeah, well. There's a second donkey, and there's a fourth king. The English horn is always the fourth. We're learning a lot.

What is the song? Okay. So we would notice that when the song started, my father would quiet himself and be fighting back tears unsuccessfully every time. So then naturally, when the Christmas season began, if we were ever home at the same time, it would be a race to find who could put that record on at the most inopportune time to make him cry. Wow. So, yeah. So you're like, oh, like if dad is yelling at us, then we can do the record and that'll put a stop to things? No, more like – Or just general torture.

More like – what's that? just general torture. More like... What's that? Just general torture. Yeah, general torture or if he's on the phone with the bank. Sure, yeah. God. I mean, I can't... Like I got...

Yeah, I can't blame you. If he and my mother are making love upstairs. Can I briefly sing you the song? Yeah, because I've never even... It doesn't ring a bell to me. Okay. All right. So you have to picture the strains of this.

Boom, boom, boom. And it goes like this. Long ago in another day, a donkey cried in his donkey way. I'm not beautiful. I'm not beautiful, I'm not beautiful What good to anyone am I? Other animals are big and strong Or rare, or filled with an animal song

But I'm not beautiful, I'm not beautiful What good to anyone am I? Heaven cried. I guess we're singing the whole song. Donkey, you can carry. Will you carry merry angels for your guide? Now on Christmas morn in the stable hay a donkey smiled

in his donkey way. So deep and true. I feel beautiful. I feel beautiful. As beautiful as anyone am I. As beautiful as anyone am I.

There you go. Wow. Wow. Do you think your father saw himself as a beast of burden? Yeah. Wow. Just yoked to a plow. Well, he's very Catholic.

Okay. And he's very damaged by that. Wow. I mean, I feel like a donkey sometimes, too. Sure, we all do. There's something to identify in there. It's just the... Donkey thinks that you just fucking play video games on Twitch for a living. That struck...

I usually feel like a goat, but that's because I like to eat tin cans. Jordan, what Christmas music do you despise? so yeah I do love the girl group Christmas songs they fucking rule and you know the Mariah Carey one's great

I know it's about the most basic opinion it's the coldest take at the coldest time of year but the goddamn Mariah Carey song is fucking great I heard it in a Mexican restaurant the most basic opinion. It's the coldest take at the coldest time of year. Yeah. But the goddamn Mariah Carey song is fucking great. I heard it in a Mexican restaurant I ate lunch in today. I don't even know it. And I thought to myself, this is fucking great.

It's great. No wonder everybody likes this. It's fucking great. Yeah. And that's the one, just keep it going. If I'm in the mall, I would love to hear it three times. Yeah. I will hear this three times in the mall.

If I'm in the mall, I would love to hear it three times. Yeah. I will hear this three times in the mall. But the one that really just feels to me, it makes me feel like I have parasites under my skin that are now trying to get out, claw their way out of my body. And it's simply having a wonderful Christmas time. Yeah. A lot of people. Beep, boop, beep christmas time yeah a lot of people beep boop boop bugs are calling their way out beep boop boop they laid some eggs in your brain that's that song to me and i actually like that song i'll please let me why what am i

what's my glitch? Why can't I enjoy it? I mean, I understand why you hate it. We actually used this in one of our Christmas shows as a denouement. It was a murder mystery. Santa had been killed backstage. Yeah. Obviously, thus one of our guests.

We were interrogating one of our guests by using this song as a torture device to get him to confess. Is it a cold take that that's a bad song? I think so, but I could not agree with you more. I also feel like, what's the Star Trek movie where I think it's Bones has something crawling under his chest and then it bursts out. And it's that song. That's what it is. Yeah. And I don't know what... It's also the

production. It's like a Blurpy production. I think it's the Blurpy-ness. Very afterthought-y. That's exactly it. It's how Blurpy it is. It's a stupid song, but I don't think that's the problem with it. Most Paul McCartney songs are stupid. He's a melodic genius.

You're going to hear this door slamming. He's a melodic genius. I'll grant him that. But, you know. There's a high dumbness quality. He knows what he's doing. But, yeah, I'm sure. No, I agree.

It's the appropriate type of dumbness for a nice song with a beautiful melody. But I think that that dumbness in that song, which I think is generally perfectly appropriate for a Christmas song, because mostly all you want a Christmas song to be is, it's Christmas time, it's cold right now, we're getting presents round a fire yep or whatever that's fine that's plenty of content for a christmas song right um or you know maybe like uh it's christmas time the family's here you know the end sure uh but your donkey wants to die. Yes, sure. A Christmas song. But I think that the plonkity plonkity part of it just curdles with – it combines with the dumbness like milk and lemon juice to curdle into this disgusting lumpy mug of nightmare. I do understand why people feel that way about it. I don't begrudge anyone their dislike of that song.

I would love to hear the positive because I want – this is something that I don't – this is my cart that I am yoked to. Because the song is all over the place. I feel like I went outdoors two times this weekend and I've heard it five times. Wow. So, yeah. That's really leaning on it. For me. I should mention I work at Cinnabon.

I like the blorp, what we're calling the blorpiness of it. It's weird. Like, I like the weirdness of it. Yeah, sure. I like the weird, you know, sparse production. This is the man who likes The Venture's Christmas. That's true. And beyond that, like, I think it's just a fine, simple melody. I think one problem that I do have with it, and I wonder how much this factors into everybody else's dislike of it, is the word wonderful.

Okay. That's tough in any song. Wonderful Christmas time? Wonderful. That's interesting. I don't know. It's a little generic. I mean, I think you could, you know. I feel like...

I mean, he's not really saying much, but he's having a good time. Good for him. I feel like he's putting a lot of... If I can put on my Broadway lyricist hat as probably the most gifted lyricist in this room. I feel like... Oh, sorry, Bernie Taupin's actually behind you.

Second. Second. He's standing right behind me, isn't he? That's a classic gag. I think there is a lot of something that makes me uncomfortable with that song is there's really a lot of emphasis on the song on the extended having. Having. Add a syllable to it. Having. Having. Having a syllable to it. Having. Having is a zero word. It adds nothing to the song.

It doesn't bother me. I'd rather he goes, simply, simply, simply Christmas time. I would rather he did that. Isn't it weird how we all have a different thing that bugs us? I think the lyrical content of the song, the same melody, but if it just had some nice bassoons behind it.

Yeah, sure. I love a Christmas bassoon. Instead of like a wet Atari. The orchestra is fruitcake. That's what I call the bassoon. Wet Atari. Wet cocaine Atari. A wet cocaine Atari, yes.

Now you can't play Miss command are there because you drop this in the bath bugs in your eyes are there other songs uh for the holidays that you can't deal with jordan or is it just that simply yeah i mean i'm i'm pretty pretty neutral on christmas music uh yeah i mean it's there's a couple bangers that I always love, but that's the only one that sticks in my craw in any significant way. I like the Rudolph and the Frosty, which always cross-contaminate each other in my head. I always start singing the Frosty bridge to the Rudolph song. I was just going to say that. But they're both wildly annoying. I think. they're so dumb

and basic what i want to know about them is why are they on an adult musician's christmas album for adults like i don't think either of them is worse than any other song you sing at a holiday assembly you know what i mean like if i was a an 11 year old or when when my my oldest is eight if at her school they all got together and sang rudolph the red-nosed reindeer i would not be mad at rudolph the red-nosed reindeer it'd be fine and i wouldn't necessarily beg for them to be singing chestnuts roasting on an open fire right it's fine for a song for children to sing amongst themselves or even in children's performances. But why is like

Frank Sinatra singing it? That's what I want to know. He's just going to churn out the material. That's probably his third Christmas album and they're like, oh, what do we get? We got nothing. What do we got? Like, ah, do jingle bells. It's either this or King Winslet's loss. I hated the

cartoon. Oh hated the cartoon. Oh, the Rankin-Bass. That was upsetting to me. It was upsetting to my eye. It's really sad. It's upsettingly sad. He's alive. Frosty. Frosty? Yeah, Frosty.

I don't know if I ever saw Frosty. Tell us the story of Frosty. Eventually he has to melt. They have to take the hat off him. He's alive. They have adventures. They get close and then they know that the hat can't stay on forever. That's a nice lesson there. The hat is keeping him cold.

That's what the movie Frozen is about. I haven't seen it. It's about how Josh Gad is going to melt and die. Wow. Yeah. All right. There you go. Let's take a break.

We have two holiday experts here, so we're going to solve some holiday problems. Yeah. Our listeners have come through with a bunch of holiday-themed conundrums, and Ted and Amy, you're going to help them out, and we'll be here not helping. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Station. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, we're hitting the road.

We're headed to San Francisco Sketch Fest 2020 in January. Wednesday, January 15th, 8 p.m., the Punchline Comedy Club. We have set up a murderer's row of guests for this fucking show. Yes. Back by popular demand. He guested on our last Sketch Fest show and was a gosh darn delight. His entire house is made out of Emmys. Mr. Tony Emmy House Hailale will be our guest. Of course, you know him from Veep.

You know him from Arrested Development. You know him from all cartoon voices. You know him from those Volkswagen Mr. Roboto commercials from the late 90s? Yeah, that's maybe not the credit I think he'd want you to highlight. I think that's what most people know him from. He's Forky now. From the Mr. God. Forky.

Forky. Did you see that Toy Story 4? Yeah, it's great. Fucking Forky is so awesome. Forky's great. You know who I fucking love? Forky. I'm going to say two things I love.

What? Forky and that fucking snowman from Frozen. Josh Gad in Frozen. Okay. I fucking love both of those things. They both really make me laugh. I can't speak to the snowman, but if he's half as good as Forky, he's pretty good.

Yeah. I say he's three-quarters as good as Forky. But it's not just Tony Hale. Nope. Glenn Washington from Snap Judgment is going to be there. Yes. That's our friend who grew up in a cult. Yeah. Will he talk about it on stage or will we just goof around? Our friend Max from our college improv group also grew up in a cult. It was like a friendly, it was more like a...

Communal. Communal. Yeah, he considered all the adults to be his parents. Yeah. In the place where he grew up. Hope Max is doing okay. I want the best for Max. He was doing good last I saw him. That's great.

He's a really good guy, Max. Yeah, Max is awesome. He was doing good last I saw him. He's a really good guy, Max. Max is awesome. And my buddy Pete Fields is going to sing some country songs. The Bay Area people might know him from the band Slow Motion Cowboy and Trainwreck Riders. There's going to be a new Trainwreck Riders album coming out. Pete sang some country songs on the Judge Sean Hodgman show right here in Los Angeles.

Yeah. Wonderful singer-songwriter. This is going to be an awesome show. We always love San Francisco Sketch Fest. SFSketchFest.com. I am also going to be a guest on the Talking Simpsons podcast the night before. That's Tuesday, January 14th, 8 p.m. at the Piano Fight main stage. I'm going to sit down with the two hosts of Talking Simpsons and talk about the Simpsons. Now, what's the Simpsons? It's a television show. Changed comedy. It's weird.

Changed comedy and TV forever. Doesn't seem like, I mean, given he literally murdered two people. Oh, gosh. You're thinking of O.J. Simpson, and he was acquitted, Jesse. Need I remind you. Okay. I'm going to be on Judge John Hodgman on January 16th at 7.30 p.m. at the Castro. Also, if you're here in Southern California, I am doing a live Put This On sale with some other buddies who sell vintage stuff and records and things like that.

It will be in Lincoln Heights in Los Angeles on Sunday, December 15th. It's going to be a good old time. It's at 2613 Pasadena Avenue in Lincoln Heights, which one day will be the new headquarters of MaximumFun.org once we do some work. In the meantime, it will be an industrial chic barren brick building. But free parking and we'll have lots of gift items for men and women. And as I said, records and lots of cool vintage. And it's going to be a great, great time. I'm going to be there with Spencer, the Put This On Shop man.

I think you should come by. I think we're going to run from 11 to 4 over there at 2613 Pasadena Avenue in Los Angeles. And, of course, PutThisOnShop.com. You can use the code Tuppies for free shipping if you're doing some Christmas shopping. Jordan, I also want to mention, recently on the program, I mentioned

the memorial fund for my friend Evan who passed away recently. And I just wanted to thank, first of all, I got so many lovely communications from Jordan Jesse Go listeners who – some folks who knew Evan. Some folks who had lost – also lost someone to overdose. Folks who just wanted to say something nice about a guy who seemed like a good guy, which Evan certainly was.

And lots and lots and lots of folks donated to his memorial fund, which ended up raising, I haven't gotten the final total, but it's over $20,000 for the Homeless Youth Alliance, The Homeless Youth Alliance who do direct services for homeless youth in San Francisco, including helping get people who are suffering from addiction into treatment and into recovery programs, which is really cool. And I think that $20,000, like, it's really got a shot to alter the course of a few lives so that people can have long, healthy lives. So I'm really, really grateful for that. And I also, you know, Evan's parents were also really touched by everyone's generosity. I know they reached out to me and they actually ended up matching Maximum Funds contribution to HYA. So that was a big part of it. But literally hundreds of friends and family of Evan's and listeners of our shows contributed to that fund.

And so thanks to everybody. And you can absolutely still support them at MaximumFund.org slash Evan or just donate directly to the Homeless Youth Alliance and mention that it goes to Evan's Fund. I'm like, I'm so, it has really made a big difference for me in a shitty thing that happened to a guy I cared about that we were able to turn it into some momentum to help some young people. So thank you, everybody.

That's all. We'll talk to you in just a second when we return on Jordan Disick Golf. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, not Edward. And I'm Amy Mann. I, what's so... We are both... These people are too cool for our show. That's the problem that's going on here. We have no nicknames. I feel like other people are supposed to give you your nicknames. Amy is literally sitting there in a black turtleneck judging

us. That's what's happening right now. I'm judging you positively about your ability to nickname yourself. Thank you. We have just been using the same ones for 13 years. So to be fair, if asked to come up with a new one on the spot, I would have a hard time. So you're fine.

Jordan, we've got some holiday quandaries. We sure do. We have some holiday experts here to help us solve them. Brian's got some telephone calls. We've got some that have been written in on Reddit and Twitter and so on and so forth. So why don't we start with a call? Let's do. Hey, this is Robin.

I'm calling with a holiday conundrum. I work at a coffee shop and we're doing a secret Santa, which I'm participating in. But there's also going to be like a Christmas party in late December, which I don't want to go to, but I'm kind of concerned that I should anyway to, I don't know, preserve relationships or something. But so I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for people to tell me it's okay for me to just not go for no reason other than that. I don't want to.

Anyway, thanks. Love the show. Bye. Robin. Robin. So their question is, do they have to attend their office Christmas party? Right. Yeah.

I mean, they are participating in the Secret Santa. That's already. Yeah. So they're showing some holiday cheer. But the Secret Santa is probably taking place at the Christmas party. In my book, that's even more of an excuse for you to not be there. Really? Yeah, you're sending a thing to the party.

Oh, sure. That's standing. That's your proxy. Yeah. The desk, the wall, the far side desk calendar. Sorry I can't be there. $25 Amazon gift card. Hope you enjoy the videocassette series of All Things Grit and Small. All Things can't be there. $25 Amazon gift card. Hope you enjoy

the videocassette series of All Things Grit and Small. I also have it on video by the way. I have it on both DVD and VHS. Well you gotta get

those Blu-rays now. I know. Or those are other laser discs. Yeah I gotta get it on video disc. Right yeah. UMD so you can watch

on your PSP. Yeah. I got the impression the Secret Santa was separate. I got that impression, too. So, I mean, I think if I'm remembering my kind of office holiday celebrations, Amy, I think you're right. I think traditionally the gift swap thing happens, like, after lunch. And then the office Christmas party is, like, a little more of just kind of a boozy mingle. I would say this.

This is my feeling. I feel like Robin is not obligated to go to the holiday party. However, I think it would be nice if Robin made an appearance. Yeah. I don't think you have to put too much weight on it. I don't think you have to put too much weight on it. But if you show up, even if you show up for 20 minutes and then you say, gosh, I got to go to dinner, I think that would totally satisfy it and you would get points for contributing to the esprit de corps. Everybody knows there's a million parties that people have to go to. Yeah, I say what I usually do is I'm the first to get there, which is, you know, it's like it populates the bare room.

So it's a boon to the host. The host appreciates it. But then you're the first to leave. Nobody minds. Like you leave as soon as everybody else gets there. I do want I agree. And I think that that's actually great advice and the right the best way to play it but i also i just want to say that you know especially if we're talking about all adults here like don't go don't give somebody a hard time for

not wanting to come to to your party sure holiday party or not you know you work together all year like be grow your relationship over that time if if someone can't come to a party. Yeah. I agree. I agree entirely. Okay. Here is a question from GWSteve43. What holiday dessert can I make to impress everyone at my holiday party? You know what I like around the holidays? Those little silver balls on cookies that you're not sure whether they're edible or not. God, are they food?

By the cupful. It's been an ongoing debate on the show. Are those food and what are they? You know what I do? I just fill mugs with those and then pour eggnog on top. Oh, sure. Yeah. Silver bullet. Yay. Yes. It has a name. Yeah. Hey, if you're out there, we want to see you on Twitter taking shots of a silver bullet. Please don't die. Fill up a pint glass with eggnog, drop in a shot glass full of those little balls. Yes, and also don't die. And also don't drink a pint of eggnog. No, do it. Drink the pint. Very calog. No, do it. Drink the pint.

Very caloric. Extremely caloric. You know what I think is fun kind of as a post-Thanksgiving thing? A cobbler or a crumble. Oh, yeah. That would be very impressive. What about a grunt or a buckle? Oh, wow.

What are those? Variations. Variations on cobbler. One of those maybe has a biscuit topping. You have multiple names for a cobbler. A grunt or a buckle. Oh, my gosh. I'll just have a little grunt.

I'm on a diet. I'm trying to remain in a state of ketosis, but I can have a little grumble. I think it would be nice if it was a red fruit crumble or like a cranberry or a cherry. That's a great – those are great crumble ideas. Because I think that will capture the holiday spirit better than like a peach. Sure. Would. It travels well.

It's just you just load some into a ramekin. Easy to serve depending on what kind of serving utensils are on hand. Can I just say – Plastic spoon. Plastic spoon. I love a nice nog. I know it's come up on this program before. Love a nog.

I'm 100% pro nog. I don't even drink. I just drink straight nog. Non-alcoholic nog. Yeah. My only thing about the nog is you got to either get an ultra premium nog or make the nog. It's sort of like when you go no matter what

brand you buy at the grocery store. Old New England. It's just it's just not it's like it's like slightly spiced cream. Yeah. It's not it's doesn't actually have anything going on. You can just get a Kroger nog for the same price as you can like a pint of milk. Yeah. That's true. You could just – It's available.

God, I'd love to just like ride around town on a bicycle drinking Kroger Nog out of the jug. Just wiping my mouth off of the back of my hand. In your woolen pants. Yeah. There's not a lot of alcoholics that drink just N nog, but I feel like this could be your thing. Right. I'm a drunk. I'm a drunk for about six months, six weeks out of the year when the Kroger nog is available.

I like the idea that nog is like, you know, as a non-drinker, I go to a bar. I'll usually order like a club soda with a dash of bitters or something like that. like a club soda with a dash of bitters or something like that. I like the idea that my drink at bars as a non-drinker is just straight nog. Freshly made nog. Can you just pour me a nog? Sorry, I don't drink. Could you just pour me a nog?

Be sure to whisk the egg well. Oh, yeah. Like it's May. And I'm like, could you just pour me a nog? Just like a nice nog. I can see it as a year-round drink. Yeah. I feel like your, you know, your Portlands or your Silver Lakes could have some sort of year-round Christmas bar. Yeah, nog bar.

It seems like. Don't give your arteries a chance to recover. For me, nog. And I love nog. Like I genuinely love nog. But like it's sort of like Popeye's in that it's like twice a year or I would come to hate it. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a special thing for a special time, a special person.

We're in special pants. By the way, my answer to this question is not nog because a lot of people hate nog. So you're going to alienate a lot of people. That's been my experience. My answer to this is a chewy gingerbread cookie in a variety of interesting shapes. Yeah. Yeah. The shapes. The shapes will get you.

Shapes are big. Yeah. Stars. I got to get with the shapes. I mean, the crumble is a great idea, but then you do have to serve it in something. Yeah. This, you know, yes. Stars.

Gingerbread men. Rhombus. Decorated. All sorts of. Oh, you know, yeah, stars, gingerbread men. Rhombus. Decorated all sorts of. Oh, rhombus. Sure. Parallelogram. Christmas rhombus. Sure.

Yes. They say Jesus was the first rhombus. Yeah. You get the visual of the shape that conveys the holiday thing.

Yeah. So this is kind of actually something we're kind of already talking about, but just to bridge to another question, Dropid Stitch

on Reddit asks, what's the best winter cocktail? A twist on the hot toddy? My wife loves a hot toddy. I like a hot toddy. Toddy rules. Toddy is so good. I had my first toddy of the year last weekend and I'm still thinking about it. Do you guys put

anything into your hot toddy besides hot water and bourbon or whiskey? Yeah. Do you put a little sugar or you put a little lemon or something? Lemon or like agave. I'm vegan, so I don't do honey, but like agave, that kind of thing. We had a chai spiced apple cider that was fantastic. That was really good. Bring that on.

It's on the Hugo's holiday menu. Oh. Through Angelino's. Sure, yeah. I love, I love. That was really good. Bring that on. It's on the Hugo's holiday menu. Oh. For you, Angelino's. Sure, yeah. I love, I love. That was great. I love a hot cider. You will love it even more with a chai spice.

I believe you. I believe you a thousand percent. This is your drink. Can I, have you, you know. Step aside, Nog. Hey, Nog, go fuck yourself. How do you feel about the, like the mulled wine or the mulled non-wine? It always sounds better than it tastes.

It's fun. It has a high fun factor, I would say. I like any – I like a – Yeah, it's a vat. It's a crock pot. It's something you can kind of make in a crock pot. And I like when it's there and I like having a sip of it. But it is a glass of a headache.

It is just – I don't know what it is. Hot wine headache. Yeah, that hot wine headache. It does – as a non-drinker, I have to heartily endorse it for making the whole room smell nice. Yeah, that's quality. Underrated quality in a mixed drink. I'm going to bring you back to chai spiced apple cider though. That's going to do the same thing. Was that a cocktail

or was that just a... That wasn't, but you put some rum in it and you've got a sweet thing going. A little brandy, maybe? Yeah, sure. Hey, hot apple cider, you've got a sweet thing going. You've got a sweet thing going. Here's a question. Is it cool again yet to mention that Die

Hard is a Christmas movie? Oh, God, everybody does that. I'm focused on the apartment is a Christmas movie. Oh, God. Everybody does that. I'm focused on The Apartment being a Christmas movie right now. I've only seen Die Hard one time in my life. Way, way, way late in the game. Like within the last three years I saw it for the first time. It's not only, I mean, I don't even care about the question. There's like some cursory mention of Christmas. Obviously that doesn't make it a Christmas.

It's not, you know, doesn't have a real holiday feel. But the question in the debate, I think, is already, if I have seen this debate a hundred times, everybody has seen it a hundred times. There's a, yeah. So, I mean, this, we have a history with this question on the show. I think I was, and, you know, I'm going to add a little bit of a, I'm going to pat myself on the back a little bit. This is a little bit of a, you know, I saw them when they were playing little clubs instead of big arenas.

But I think I was first to be annoyed by the Die Hard is a Christmas movie dialogue. You were annoyed by Die Hard is a Christmas movie back when Die Hard was still in single A ball. Right. Yes. Exactly. In in single A ball. Right. Yes. Exactly. In Temecula. Right.

Yes. That is another way to put that. The Rancho Cucamonga Quakes. That is certainly another about something like that. And I think sometimes it's fun and I think that sometimes they're just trying to steal the focus in the room. in the room. And I think Die Hard as a Christmas movie is one of these things that I feel like these sorts of men

said, they were saying it like they had invented it. They were saying it like they had come up with it. Come up with your own thing to say loud in a room. Sure. But not the Star Wars prequels are good. Maybe we'll go back to, no. That's something else.

There's some good moments in Revenge of the Sith. Anyway. Can I say – yeah. I don't mean to go down this rabbit hole. Let's go down a rabbit hole. I'm so glad to – I hate the Star Wars prequels. And I'm so glad to finally meet other people who feel the same way. Do you feel like you had a lot of Star Wars prequels defenders in your life?

Not in my life but just everywhere else. In the world, people do seem... Let's not get off it. I'll say that I enjoyed some of the production design. Sure, there's some nice crafts. There's some well-designed crafts. I just want somebody to write a new story for one of them at some point.

Sure. Sorry, I'm done. Two Christmas movies, or Christmas-adjacent movies, that I have seen recently that I really liked. I mentioned The Apartment, which I think is like one of the best comedies ever made. So funny, so amazing, so fantastic. Is it funny?

I find it very funny, yes. I mean it's mostly about suicide, right? Yes, but in a funny way. That's one of the great things about it. That's true. It has the funny parts. Yeah. But anyway, I feel about it. That's true. It has to have funny parts. Yeah. But anyway, I feel like it's always on those AFI, best comedies ever.

It's very funny suicide-wise. It is, yeah. It's like, well, I guess when he's making dinner, it's kind of funny. Yeah. But then it's, anyway. It's a great movie. He uses that tennis racket to strain the spaghetti. Yes, we've all seen that in every clip montage ever played on every award show.

I watched it a few weeks ago, and I was reminded of how much I love it, and I got some really great laughs out of it. But I also recently with my daughter, who was for some reason obsessed with it, I don't know why, watched Gremlins, the first Gremlins movie. Oh, yeah, sure. A lot of Christmas stuff in that.

And I guess I had seen it when I was a kid, but I didn't really remember anything about it besides the gremlins themselves. And I really enjoyed it as an adult. There's a gremlin with a Santa hat on it. Yeah. Really held up solid. And that's my Santa. That's my Santa.

A lot of fun, goofy stuff. Yes. It's fun to watch the gremlins go do crazy things. Puppets are fun. Yeah. I have two questions about this. Please. What qualifies, like, for example, Mame, you know, the musical Mame?

I don't. I know it's a musical, but I don't know anything about it. It's got the number. We need a little Christmas, which is fantastic. You don't need to Mame-sploit. Well, apparently. Sure. Ted's a real Mame-lord.

So, does that qualify as a Christmas movie? Christmas show? If a movie ends up with a pivotal plot point at Christmas, then yes. I think like for – It might be a shop around the corner, same thing. It doesn't start out in Christmas, but it ends up it's a giant arrow pointing towards christmas right yeah i think that like for example with those two movies that i described like i think the apartment is like it's about both christmas and new year's but it's about the

re-evaluations of one's life in the context of uh family and community Like, or Airsats family, because it's office family, but also romance, right? And I think if it has that, if it has a Christmas theme in addition to a little bit of Christmas context, that works for me. And then with Gremlins, I think, you know,

it's about the nature of gift-giving and consumerism, where they go apeshit in the stores, and it's like, you know, it's about the nature of gift giving and consumerism where they go ape shit in the stores and it's like, you know, it's it's capitalism run wild. Yeah, exactly. This is why I mean, obviously, Christmas Carol aside, I think that most Dickens fits into this category because it deals with the same things. There's usually a Christmas scene. It's usually, you know, it's usually a time when they are exploring both –

Their sexuality. Family relationships and the working conditions and consumerism, burgeoning consumerism and capitalism, et cetera. Almost any Dickens movie or book fits in for me. Yeah. I would like to finish my – Oh, sorry. Oh, no. That's okay.

Hey, that's what these chat podcasts are all about. You follow a thread and then you come back and there you go. And you continue to disappoint the audience who are looking for content. That's exactly. Yes. So, yeah. So I think we were early to complaining about Die Hard as a Christmas movie. But now I think everyone has caught on.

And now I think we are piling on the Die Hard as a Christmas movie people. And I don't think – I think that those people have given it up. But now we're like, oh, is it – Die Hard is a Christmas movie, right? And I feel like I – can we just stop talking about it, period? Yeah, exactly. Yes. I'm happy to not talk about it. Yeah, maybe once every three years we watch Die Hard.

It's fun. Die Hard's great. It's a good movie. It's set during Christmas. Let's not banish Die Hard from the canon. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. Ho, ho, ho, I have a machine gun. These are great.

It's a great movie. Ow, my feet hurt. Ow, my feet hurt because I'm walking on glass. Yeah. And finally. Ow, ow, ow. And finally. These are great. It's a great movie. Ow, my feet hurt. Ow, my feet hurt because I'm walking on glass. Yeah. And finally. Ow, ow, ow. And finally. Famous line.

Hello, Urkel's dad. Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Tessie, Ted, and Amy. I have a holiday quandary for you. And it's more of a, is an ill-exclosed choice. So my husband and I were driving home from Thanksgiving and we decided that it would be great to buy each other and all the members of my family that are going to be together for Christmas, nuggies. Each one completely different and hopefully personalized to that person. Is this a stupid thing to do? And if so, is it the good kind of stupid or the stupid that we

should rethink this? We haven't purchased any of them yet, but I can't guarantee what will happen by the time this call gets off share. Either way, I'd love to hear what you guys have to say about it. Thanks. I mean, why not? It's 2006, right? Wait, so I didn't hear what she's buying.

Snuggies. They're buying Snuggies for everybody. Snuggies are great. Snuggies. They're not a meme anymore, so go for it, I say. Yeah, I mean, I think, right. And I think I know what you're getting at, at ted and like there was a while where it's like okay well you could earnestly purchase a snuggie you could be a ironic hipster who's like look at this dumb fucking thing but now we are so far past

that that you can just appreciate the functionality that is the snuggie and it's a little the call back to that to when they what when it was all that It has a little bit of a humor. Yeah. Do you own one yourself? I don't, but I feel like I maybe used to. I know I've been in a Snuggie or two. Don't look at us as though we've been to your house and tried on your various casual warming

items. I would love I don't think this is the worst idea. I especially like the idea of getting something monogrammed. I know that when you said that you were going to get an individual one for each person, you just meant that Uncle Frank is getting a cowboy's Snuggie. Sure. You can get children's Snuggies that are shaped.

Here's one shaped like a shark, so it looks like the shark is eating you alive. Yeah, that's fucking dope. That's great. That's baller. For $19.99, which is awesome. Seems like a shark so it looks like the shark is eating you alive. That's great. For $19.99 which is awesome. Seems like a good value. I think it's a good idea because it's for the family. You're going to spend a couple of days together.

Immediately put on and use your Snuggie to establish that this is just a thing that we're doing. We're going to have this thing in common. Maybe it gets thrown out after Christmas. Who cares? That's not your problem.

But it'll be like a shared, because mostly you're going to sit around watching Die Hard. Right, right. So you need to be in that shark snuggie. Yeah. I will say that I also, like on the one hand, I think all of those are very valid reasons. I do think it's past its meanness.

So you don't need to worry about that. I do think it's nice that everybody's doing the same thing together. And I do like the idea of individualizing it for everyone. There's a part of me that wishes it was something good. Yes. something good. And so I might offer, and it perhaps doesn't, I don't know what the budget range is for this gift exchange. I might offer flannel pajamas as an alternative. I think I agree with you. Something that you can actually use because a Snuggie is a big thing to transport in your luggage going home and you probably won't use it any other time. But the flannel pajamas, yes.

I'm like, let's go to Land's End. Let's go to VermontCountryStore.com. Yeah, I'm with you. Let's get them monogrammed. I'm all about the monogramming part. I know that's something that I've grafted onto this. Sure. No, I like it.

Yeah. A little crest on the pocket. I want to push back a little bit just to say that you've got to know your audience. Okay, you're a guest, sir. We've had a lot of friendly disagreements on the show, and I don't think anybody's mad. Not yet. We know that you're full of shit. Oh, God, get it out.

There's worms in my eyes. You have to know your audience. You have to know if your family is like a lot of people aren't pajama people. No. But there are like wrap a blanket around you people. Snuggies are, again, I don't have one. I honestly can't remember when I've been in one, but I know it was enjoyable. What about a robe?

And I think that. No, robe. Everybody buys robes. I have a thousand robes. Don't get anybody a robe. Land of a thousand robes. Don't get anybody a robe. Land of a thousand robes. Don't get – Are you sure that you don't just have what appears to be a robe lifestyle and that that's why you're attracting robes?

People give you robes. You also have kimonos. I could see people giving Amy Mann a lounge kimono. I do not have a kimono. It's a gift. That does not mean I want one. Just out of your general sense of

Los Angeles elegance yeah I do not have a kimono they're all fluffy white gigantic robes that I will never use

kimonos are very big Ted in the punk rock community is that correct everybody's always giving each other kimonos that was back in like

87 yeah right back before everybody sold out yeah back before fucking Green Day ruined it Giving each other kimonos. That was back in like 87. Yeah. Right. Back before everybody sold out. Yeah. Back before fucking Green Day ruined it. Fucking pop pumping is bullshit.

No kimonos. Thank you. But I will say I don't know if a Snuggie and a flannel pajama are a comparable item. I think a Snuggie has a toss it on, toss it off, you know, kind of functionality. Kind of like I'm on the couch. I just want to warm up a little bit. You know, in a pajama is something else. You're not sleeping in a Snuggie. I see them both representing holiday coziness.

Yeah, sure. Seasonal coziness. But, I mean, I think if you can get your entire family different Snuggies to make it look like different animals are eating them, then let's go Snuggie. Yeah. Let's do it. Everybody can have a different animal that's eating them. I just want to say that we've had a lot of heat from this question, a lot of crackling disagreement. And I'm really proud of the work we've done on Jordan, Jesse, Go!

But this will be our last episode. Oh, wow. Yeah, I don't think we can recover from the great snuggie pajama debate. No, I know. It ripped the podcast asunder. Yeah. You got another one, Jordan? Let's see.

What do we got here? Christmas Song, we've covered it. What channel? Okay, this is actually one I've kind of been dealing with, so this will help me. In addition to this listener, whose name is Farte3745328. So thank you, Farte3745328. And I couldn't be more in this headspace so i think this is really good i'm anxious to hear what you guys have to say what's the best universally

liked gift for someone when you don't actually know what they want flannel pajamas not a goddamn so yeah i mean i think i have this i I feel like I have, like, business contacts that I would like to send a little gift to and people that I don't know that well. And it's like, ugh. And I don't have a lot of money to spend on these. And it's like, fuck, what's not a Starbucks card? And I think that's the zone I'm in now. Any thoughts? Any ideas?

A photo of you in a Snuggie? Just louching on. Yeah. I think everyone would like that. Suitable for framing. Make sure to be really hard, though. Yes. Well, I mean, it's Snuggie.

Yeah. Foregone conclusion. I have two ways to think about this. None of them which, I mean, this isn't impossible. I just don't even buy presents anymore because I'm so bad at it. But the two ways I think of it are to give them something that sort of speaks to an aspiration that they have.

Like if they sort of secretly think of themselves as a musician, something that speaks to that. Or something that you are just really interested in you know even if it's like i read this book and i loved it and i thought maybe you would because at least that's like me that is meaningful even if they don't because when i get presents like that like even if i don't necessarily connect with the book like i feel like i connect with the person because they gave me a thing they were really into yeah they're They're thinking about you. Yeah. What you might like.

I mean, I'm with Amy and Ted on this. You should give people the Bible. Sure. Yes. The only book as far as I'm concerned. That's the word of God. Sure.

Yeah. And that's the gift, the gift that keeps on giving. Art Crumbs illustrated biblical stories. Yes. Sure. Be sure, be sure to offend everyone. Right.

Yes. Why don't you try the Joy of Sex 2? Is there a Joy of Sex 2? I think there is. That's great. Well, I have to have read the Joy of Sex 1 to get it. Spoilers for Joy of Sex 2. Whoa. Yeah.

So, yeah. Actually, this is something I've sent out a couple of these and it's gone really well so far. This sounds like a fucking ad we would do. There's a website called The Sill that will mail you a nice little plant. And that's gone over really good so far. I've gotten a couple. They're really affordable. You can get pet-friendly ones.

If you work at this website, fucking sponsor us because I will talk it up. Yeah, it's called The Sill. They mail you a little plant. I like that. That sounds fantastic. And it's about the price of a Starbucks card, too. Maybe go get something in Muji. Oh, Muji.

Muji's fun. Always be tasteful. Always be tasteful. Always be reasonably priced. Little pencils. I love pencils and notebooks. Little pencils. That's my notebook.

It's a Muji notebook. Oh, nice. I'll never forget. A British person once said to me, is that a Muji jumper? And I've never been able to hear the word Muji and not think of it. The other thing I like is the amalgamation of small things. Yes. Like if there's four things in a little bag, it doesn't matter if they're four very cheap, garbagey things.

It's just fun to have a bunch of stuff. And it shows that you put it together. It doesn't matter. So you can get really small and dumb. One time my mom's friend, Sam Sternberg, gave me a gift that was four small things. And one of them was those kind of binoculars that fold up into a little flat, like the size of a card case. Yeah. And you press a little button and they pop out into a triangle shape and then you can look around.

So I would say probably that's good for business contacts. Well, hey, there's only four small things I need this holiday season. Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus. Deuteronomy. Oh, I skipped Deuteronomy. I go right to Acts Big Acts fan over here Love their body spray

You've never Wait that's it You have not read Deuteronomy Until you've seen it With a lot of bodacious babes Right yes Women with booties And wide shoulders

Women with giant butts Arkrum we're talking about Yeah we're talking about Arkrum Yeah Not the regular actual Bible No but But who are we? Who are we to – I haven't read it in the original Aramaic or whatever.

Sure, Lot's wife could have been thick. Yeah. There's something I know about Lot's wife. I think we're coming up with a pretty good idea for a radical new translation of the Bible. Right. Check out the turn cutter on Lot's wife. Oh, my God. I don't know what character is saying that.

Sounded kind of like the Bronx guy. Yeah, it's my second character. I'm back. Tea guy was here. That wasn't funny. Here I am. Whoa, nice dumper, Lot's wife. What's her name in the Bible?

I don't think she has an actual name. Yeah. Anyway. Well, have we done it? Have we solved the holidays? I think we pretty much solved the holidays. Do you guys have any problems that you've been facing this holiday season? I know that you've been traveling all across town looking for outfits.

That's true. That's true. Trying to find a costume store open on a Sunday. Yeah. for our outfits. That's true. That's true. Trying to find a costume store open on a Sunday. Yeah. I've got problems galore, but not many of them have anything to do with Christmas.

Just general, year-round, perennial problems. What's your favorite Christmas song to sing, you two? Oh, yeah. Because we asked you

what your favorite one to listen to is. I do I'll Be Home for Christmas. I love that song. That's nice. It is a nice song. Donkey song. Donkey song. I can tell that has a lot be home for Christmas. I love that song. That's nice. Yeah. It is a nice song. Donkey song.

Donkey song. It's big. I can tell it has a lot of meaning for you. I could. Yeah. No, you know. I can't really get into it. I got to say.

Ham it up. For me, it's got to be honky tonk for donkey tonk. Sure. That's a Christmas song. Yeah. Yeah. That's the diehard of. Sure.

Right. Did you know? Yeah. We, if I can, I mean, this is, this is a little self-aggrandizing, but we wrote a Christmas song a number of years ago called... Nothing Left to Do. Nothing Left to Do. Thank you. That I pretty much only hear it when we play it at our Christmas shows.

And I really like that song. I like it too. Yeah. I think we did a good job with that one. It's another sad, somebody's not there. Yeah. Somebody's alone. What happened?

We're not really sure. How does a sad, how do you start writing a sad Christmas song? Like where does the, what's the germ of the process? Yeah. It's just what happens. I know. Exactly. If you're sad.

The songs are sad. My Christmas wish this year is that this be the first year of the last eight years of my life. That I can have a Christmas tree in my house without my fucking kids pulling the ornaments and lights off of it and like throwing them around. Oh my God. What kind of monsters are you raising? Human monsters. That's what happens when you have... I don't think I've ever thrown an ornament.

My youngest is two and a half. I respected Christmas when I was a toddler. The two and a half, yeah, does not really understand it's an ornament. Yeah, no, like my eight-year-old doesn't do this. She's a responsible adult. She's drinking and driving the whole nine yards. I agree. She's studying to be a doctor.

Picking up your nog. Yeah. She's got nog in her bottle. Where'd you get this nog? I learned it from watching you, Dad. Riding your bike around, pounding your Kroger nog. But having children necessitates

both having a decorated Christmas tree without which they cannot enjoy Christmas and constantly being like, don't touch it! Right. Hands off the Christmas tree! Do you have tinsel? Because that can- No.

Oh, no. That would be a true nightmare. That's a choking hazard for everyone. Yeah, I've choked on tinsel a few times. I should stop trying to eat it. So you're down to, like, just the old-timey wooden ornaments and stringing popcorn on a string. Oh, yeah, sure.

Stringing popcorn. Yeah, these are your solutions. Yeah, because I think the thing about a Christmas tree is, yeah, sure. Stringing popcorn. Yeah, these are your solutions. Yeah, because I think the thing about a Christmas tree is, like, the kids can ruin it, but it can also, the shit can hurt them. Yeah. It's like glass and electricity. Also. Like hooks.

Hooks, yeah. I think maybe Christmas tree water is bad for dogs. I don't know. My dogs definitely want to drink it. It's their nog. Yeah. Dog nog. Dog nog. Christmas tree water. Pine water. Yeah dogs definitely want to drink it. It's their nog. Yeah. Dog nog. Dog nog.

Pine water. Yeah, sure. Old pine water. You know, Jordan, dog nog backwards is God gone. I don't think it's any coincidence. That's true. That's true. That's the final verse of Acts.

Okay. Big Acts fan out here. As revealed to the prophets by Puzz will short yes sure by puzzle master wool shorts call it all back who cares doesn't make sense we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well-researched, and your podcast host to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Yeah, and what's your deal? I'm Emily.

I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions, and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts. We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping.

Join us on Baby Geniuses. Every other week on MaximumFun.org. I've got a message for you. Hi, it's me, April Wolfe, the host of Switchblade Sisters and co-writer of the new horror film, Black Christmas. And I'm Katie Walsh, film critic and occasional host of Switchblade Sisters. We're here to announce that for one episode, we will be doing something a little different. Much like Jeff Goldblum and David Cronenberg's The Fly, I will be going through a truly disturbing transformation. April will transform from the interviewer into the interviewee.

I will be asking her all about her new film, Black Christmas, her writing process, and ongoing existential dread. But I will also be discussing John Carpenter's perfect masterpiece, Prince of Darkness. You guys seen any movies you like? So tune in to Switchblade Sisters for a one-of-a-kind episode with April Wolf and me, Katie Walsh. See you then. Only the corrupt are listened to now. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Yeah, now we're talking. Now we're in business. I had to bring those nicknames. The great Amy Mann is here and Ted Leo. You guys have a podcast here on MaximumFun.org.

Art of Process. Art of Process. Yes. Who have been your fave guests recently? I'm going to say Emily Nussbaum came prepared with her many like actual process rules because that's what really fascinates me when people have their sort of little, you know, internal rules they've hammered out and have never uttered out loud. But, you know, when somebody asks, they sort of realize like, yes, I do. I do have like a list of things I try when I, you know, when I have writer's block. I like, there are things that I, you know, that I have to do like a checklist to see if I can get myself out of a, out of a problem, a writing problem.

I feel like there is no other way. Emily Nussbaum is the TV critic for The New Yorker. And I feel like there is no other way to have that job than to be like that because she will write in a given column about two or three shows. Often she's writing about a season or multiple seasons of those shows. And I know as somebody who, you know, I used to do a culture essay a recommendation essay once a week on Bullseye like you have to have more thing many more

things than you write about because otherwise you don't have a take on the other things like she's not writing the kind of column where she just writes about what the new shows are she's writing about things that she really has perspective on and things to say about.

And like, I can't even, like watching a movie and having a perspective on it seems hard to me, much less watching 14 hours of a season of television. And then- Just sitting down to watch the movie. Yeah. I know. Exactly.

Excuse me. I've fallen behind on uh edits recently but there'll be like a bit of a reboot after the holidays and upcoming is uh scott ackerman oh yeah great yes he's another person who i would encourage listeners of this show if they're interested in comedy bang bang or you know anything that that Scott has done. Probably our listeners aren't interested in Scott Aukerman. No, no. They are. I think that's too circle. There's no overlap in that Venn diagram.

No, our listeners don't really like – I did some audience research, Jordan, and the two things they said they didn't like were Scott Aukerman, Comedy Bang Bang, and Wet Hot American Summer. They said they're just not interested in those things. Max von Erewolf and Nair the Twain shall meet. Worlds apart. Just different audiences. Just different audiences.

He also, toward the end of our conversation, I think it came out kind of organically, he delineated for himself some very specific rules for approaching a writing project. Yeah, for writing a story. Yeah. And yeah, well, he said that he had come across these rules and I made him go through the rules. That's right. Tell me what the rules are right now. Yeah.

So that'll be hopefully helpful and interesting. If I could just throw one more out there. Please. A while back, we interviewed our friend Eli Addy, who has been a television writer out here for a while on House and the West Wing and things. But before that, he was a speechwriter for politicians for people like former New into their cadence and their head and you help them craft what they want to say. And then you actually write it. Yeah. Where the art form is to get into somebody else's head.

To me, that was really interesting. But I mean, you know, it's like that's applicable to what, you know, if we're writing from the point of view of a character. Absolutely. Absolutely. I would imagine particularly if you're writing for Dick Gephardt or Al Gore, you have the challenge of communicating a message while removing all personality from that message at all. Replacing it with bland blondness or bland technocraticness. while removing all personality from that message at all. Replacing it with bland blondness or bland technocraticness. I think there probably were a few discussions about this is a little too fiery.

This is not a thing I would say, or this is not a way I would say it. I'd love to hear a first draft of a speech he wrote for Dick Gephardt, where maybe getting too deep into Dick Gephardt. I know. Like where it's like a grand eloquent like barn burner and Dick Gephardt is delivering it in his like – in his Missourian or – Missourian. Missourian, yeah. Missourian congressman style of like yes I like unions

that's pretty much his message and hey in addition to downloading the podcast which all listening

can and should do this comes out on Tuesday if you're in Southern California you can catch the holiday show at Largo

I'm gonna be there on Wednesday night so say what's up if you come. I heard our friend Lisa Loeb maybe is going to be there. Did I see that on there? Yeah. That's true. She's our special guest. And Wednesday, there's two shows, 7.30 and then 9.45.

Yeah. Monday, Tuesday. Yeah, that's right. They're at the Largo. It's going to be a hell of a show. Our guests for all shows are Paul F. Tompkins and Lisa Loeb and the Sklar Brothers. Oh, Tuesday. Yeah, that's right. They're at the Largo. We've got our guests. It's going to be a hell of a show. Our guests for all shows are Paul F. Tompkins and Lisa Loeb and the Sklar Brothers. Oh, great. Julie Sweeney.

And Julie Sweeney. Hey, all right. And then we have special musical, different special musical guests each night. Tuesday night is Open Mike Eagle. All right. And Wednesday night are the Milk Carton Kids. I don't know who they are. They're fantastic.

But I suspect that they're great if they're on this fucking killer lineup. Yeah. Do you ever think to yourself, am I a success in show business? Have I done what I came here to do? And then you remember that you could email Lisa Loeb

and you're like, yeah. I'm here. I've made it. Time to walk into the ocean. Yep. Oh, that reminds me. See you assholes later. Fuck off.

The Art of Process is the name of the podcast. You can go see them at Largo. Amy Mann and Ted Leo have been our guests. What a joy it's been to have you on the program. Thank you for solving all of our holiday problems. Happy holidays. Yes, we solved everything. We know it all. Yeah. Happy holidays. Yes, we solved everything. We know it all.

Yeah. America is great again. So if you're out there and you still have holiday problems, maybe you're the problem. Yeah. That's a really good point.

That is our message. You've got a glitch, fucking bro. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter.

We're on Twitter, at Jordan underscore Morris, at Jesse Thorne. We will see you at SF Sketch Fest in January. We sure will. Brian, is this this week's episode, right? Yeah, we can do that. Well, I will see you at Put This on Holiday Sale

here in Los Angeles on Sunday the 15th. We love you all very much and goodbye. Snow that beats against the windowpane The fire inside is warm and dry The tree is up, the lights are hung again And no one else is coming by There's nothing left to do There's nothing left to do There's nothing left to do

We'll turn the radio on and wait for a song to listen to well there's songs of merry Christmases songs of sleigh bells songs of snow But it's awful lonely listening

To all that joy and mistletoe There's nothing left to do. There's nothing left to do. There's nothing left to do. There's nothing left to do But turn the radio on And wait for someone to sing me through Everyone asks but nobody knows it Like I do

Every year passes Everyone's frozen Not like you I'm doing fine But at Christmas time I don't know what I'm supposed to do With all the gifts That I'll never give to you

So there beats again the window pane The kitchen table's warm and dry Another season I'm remembering Before we said our last goodbye There's nothing left to do There's nothing left to do There's nothing left to do But turn the radio on And wait for a song to listen to

And turn the radio on And wait for someone to sing me through. I turn the radio on. If it's Christmas, then let's make this Christmas blue. For tears, the season of summer, whatever it's on, reminds me of you Merry Christmas The door is open. The door is open. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.