Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 616: Fart Positive with Dino Archie

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Dino Archie (I've Changed album) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's newest idea to combine two of the show's interests -- celebrity alcohol and Walton Goggins, Jesse and Jordan's friend Nick in college who lived a psychotic minimalist lifestyle, and how undignified it is to make a sea lion dance to an outdated Beyonce song for his supper. Action Items: • Send in your Walt Goggins celebrity alcohol jingles! 206-984-4FUN or [e-mail] • And send in your nominees for the JJGo Best Of 2019! Time codes please!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, I come bearing gifts. Gifts? Well, not physical gifts, but... It's pronounced jiffs. Oh, I come bearing jiffs.

Michael Jackson eating popcorn. SpongeBob going, what? Just describing GIFs I've seen. Yeah. Did you mean GIFs? Yeah. Something very special happened today. What's that?

Well, I found a way to combine two of the show's interests. Yes. You, of course, remember the show we do. Is Santa in America in college? Oh, no. That was in college. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Humor Force 5, our short form improv group in college.

No, but when's that coming back, huh? Bring back Humor Force 5, our short-form improv group in college. No, but when's that coming back, huh? Bring back Humor Force 5. I think it's the last time I was at Santa Cruz I saw a sign for it. I think it still exists. Huh. That's weird that we're not in it. I know. Huh.

We should be flying back on our entertainment industry jets. Vanessa, Max, Haley. Jessica. Yes. All the old members. Yeah. No, so we've been, Walton Goggins. Sure.

Has been a topic on this show for some reason. Well, I think he's on a television show with our friend Rob Corddry. Sure. Rob Corddry was here, and one of his co-stars from the show Justified is my neighbor. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, we both like Goggins. Everybody loves Goggins. We love the severe hairline.

Sure. Really intense. We love that stare. We love the stare that he does in everything, whether it's drama or comedy or other. Similarly compelling in all contexts. or comedy or other. Similarly compelling in all contexts. I think that stare would be just as compelling if he was one of those people

who like feeds the sea turtles at the aquarium in a scuba suit and like goes... And so what they eat is very small fish. Like if Goggins was doing that and had that stare, you'd be like, this guy deserves an Academy Awards.

Right. Exactly. At least for turtle feeding. Emmy. Right. They don't televise that one. Yeah. That happens at the airport.

The technical Emmy. But also on the show, this is not something we've discussed recently, but we have a history of interest in celebrity vanity booze. Yeah, absolutely so. Of course, Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka we've discussed. Who hasn't? The only vodka with a ghost in each bottle. Danny DeVito's Limoncello.

Right. It's a taste of life from this famous fellow. So, yes, Danny DeVito's Limoncello. Right. It's a taste of life from this famous fellow. We had, so yes, Danny DeVito's Limoncello. We had, I was remembering an old- Iquarenta tequila. Oh yeah, sure. That's come up on the program. George Clooney's Casamigos. Yep.

The only tequila with a pygmy pig in every bottle. Yeah. Pig distilled. Oh yeah, because he used to have a- He used to have a little pig. He used to have a tiny pig that slept in his bed. Ray J's. Dino Archie really

wants to get out of this. No, no, no. Our guest on the program, stand-up comedian. No, I just was enjoying it and I was like, I don't want you to leave out Ray J. What's Ray J's booze? He's making moves. He has Ray J's giant dick vodka.

Wow. I hit it first. Vodka. He stirs it. He stirs the vat. Man, yeah, he's got scooters and ear pods. With his massive crank. Yeah.

Wait, is it actually called making moves? No, no. It's just he is making moves. Oh, right. Yes, exactly. What spirit is Ray J making? No, he's just he is making moves. Oh, right. Yes, exactly. What spirit is Ray J making? No, he's not. I don't know if he's got an alcohol right now, but he's doing weed and he's getting into tech and he's selling these rideshare scooters.

Gotcha. And AirPods, like out doing the AirPods. Well, yeah, tequila cannot be far behind. Oh, yeah, he probably is. Yeah, it's in the works. I'm sure he's done. I'd go craft beer, though, yes. Yeah, he probably is. Yeah, it's in the works. I'm sure he's done. I'd go craft beer, though, maybe. For Ray J?

Oh. Or for Dino Archie? For Ray J. I think that would be cool. You think Ray J would be selling like a hoppy IPA? No, that's Hanson's territory. Hanson has mmm hops, and that is the final word in celebrity craft brew. It needs craft brewery.

Okay. Yeah, I think it's an untapped market. Oh, our guest, stand-up comedian Dino Archie. Hi, welcome to the show. Dino Archie is on the program. Welcome to the show. Hey, glad to be here. But, so Dino, for you, so we've discussed Walton.

Are you a Goggins fan? Are you a Goghead? I'm a different, I'm a David Goggins fan. Who's David Goggins? David Goggins? That's what I thought you were talking about. No. I'm talking about Walton Goggins. Walton Goggins. I know I know Goggins fan. Who's David Goggins? That's what I thought you were talking about. No. Talking about Walton Goggins.

Walton Goggins. I know I know who it is. From television's Justified. Okay. And the unicorn. He's the titular unicorn. He's the titular unicorn. Okay, yeah.

Who's David Goggins? I like that guy. The guy you're talking about, Walton, I don't know much about him, but I like. He's good and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. When he shows up, I'm not disappointed. He pops up and you're like, there he is.

Yeah, yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay with it. Walden Gogginson sings Misbehavin' in the Fabulous Thunderbirds. What's that show called? Oh, The Righteous Gemstones. The Righteous Gemstones. That's one of the best things that's happened on television the last 10 years.

Yeah, that shit fucking rules. It's so good. Man, I saw that I saw that with somehow I was ended up in McBride and those guys' production spot and, oh, because I was opening for Adam Devine. Okay. That's why. Yeah, one of the stars of that. Yeah, and I came in hot

from doing Snap Judgment. There you go. With our friend Glenn Washington. Glenn Washington. Yeah, a little shout out. See him with us at SF Sketch Fest in January. Yeah, so I got that from doing the Max Fun Festival. There you go, from Max Fun Con. It's all tied in. So I fly in, go to the hotel.

They're like, we're going over to the studio, man. Hop in, drop the shit off, go there. McBride opens the door, and you're like, you're a real guy. You really look like this. Yeah. This is dope. Yeah. Dope, man. And we've all watched it together before it dropped. And I was like, this is

changing the game. It was so, because it's hella funny and cinematic and everything's on time. If you have not seen The Righteous Gemstones, Walton Goggins plays. Oh, I know. Yeah, I like that guy a lot. Now I'm getting it.

He is an ex-child preacher. And he has this, like, he's had like a Christian novelty song that was a hit in the 70s called, like, Misbehavin'. Misbehavin'. It features a long list of things, different types of misbehaving, including- Been caught shaving. Yeah. And the piece de resistance is running through the house with a pickle in my mouth. Yeah, that's really good.

Yeah, this is a very good show if you have slept on the righteous gemstones. Wake up. Wake you up. What are you doing running through the house with a pickle in your mouth? Right? You should be watching the Righteous Gemstones. David Goggins is a ex-Navy SEAL lunatic. Fucking goddamn lunatic.

But he's living the lyrics. He's really going waking up at 4 a.m. For no reason. He's always running. He's on Instagram. He follows no one. That's not what he does. Is he like a John McAfee

type? No, that dude's more secretive. McAfee is, this guy is like a motivational guy, but he's always like, he talks rough. He cusses all the time. His cusses are funny because they're

unnecessary but i like him though you know and he he's just he motivates you in a different way and he's always running it's like what are you running from you know yeah at a certain point you're like okay you might want to look into that but but i like i i like what it makes me do because he's like in his 40 mid 40s and he's like I used to be a fat fucking lying piece of shit

and then I started running and like and telling the truth yes running and truth telling oh he keeps it it is so wow

so I we had a we had a a colleague when we were resident not to brag Jordan and I were both RAs at UC San Francisco that's true we took the weed We had a colleague when we were resident. Not to brag. Jordan and I were both RAs.

Of course. That's true. We took the weed. We stopped the drum circles. Yep. And we handed out dental dams for safe cunnilingus. Oh, so you guys. Okay, let me get this straight.

You guys were fun police. Oh, we sure were. Absolutely. We both hate fun. You both hated fun in there. But we love safe cunnilingus. We love safe cunnilingus. We love safe cunnilingus, which, pretty fun. We're sex positive.

We're sex positive. So we had a colleague, and this guy was, I think, amazing. As long as you just, hey, just respect the rules about no tarantulas in the dorm. No tarantula pets. That's all we ask. And no open flames. Also, you guys were loose. You weren't hard.

Yeah. Hard RAs. Sure. We were pretty chill. I think we looked the other way. No open flames we had you guys were loose you weren't hard yeah hard ras sure we were pretty chill i think we let we we looked the other way flames we looked a little the other way on a lot of stuff yeah um had to confiscate a couple of didgeridoos just because they were being used at inappropriate hours yeah yeah and i think now you know all you need to know about where we went to college that's kind of a happy hour instrument. Yeah. Between five and seven, you play the didgeridoo. You have some half-priced nachos.

We had a colleague that I think about a lot. And I haven't talked to him since college. But his name was Nick. And Nick was tall. I'm about 6'3", 6'4", in there. And he was, I think, a little taller than me and much more fit than I, extraordinarily fit. And he was a really nice man, but very quiet and intense. And once I went to his dorm room to bring something to him or pick something up from him. Some dental dams.

Exactly. One of your fellow RAs runs out of dental dams. I just had this one student who would constantly – he would knock on my door at 1 o'clock in the morning looking for large-sized condoms twice a week, not hyperbole. Jordan knows who I'm talking about because he was – Oh, yeah. Yeah, thick crank David. Was he on – I ran into that guy in the valley once. Oh, my God. Was he just a regular student?

You know, he was a regular student, a world-class sweet doof, and just had a huge crank. Big old thing. We suspect. I don't know. Maybe. I didn't actually see the crank. Huge crank and was running through all of the Santa Cruz. I didn't actually see the crank. I went to Nick's dorm room one time, and we had become pretty close, by which I mean that once at lunch he had told me the story of when his Barracuda lit on fire while he was driving it.

Okay. Yeah, that's intimate. Yeah, that was as intimate as- That's not something you share with everybody. Did you hear him selling that story to anyone else? No, that's the thing. I think that was the most of himself he had ever revealed to anyone. And our friend Jim Rayall, who's been on this program many times, Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, and Nick,

were in some kind of Jeet Kune Do fighting club where they would always be out on the quad pretending to fight until one of them pretended to kill the other one and then they would both nod seriously. And then they'd go back into pretending to fight. Just like showing what moves they would do in different situations. And then when somebody got their fingers to the death point on someone's chest, they would stop and they'd go,

Anyway. That's like the Sherlock Holmes movies. Yes, exactly. It's anticipating what the fight would be like. That's such bullshit. Have you watched Worldstar? Then I'm going to hit him with the right tubular jugular.

That's not how you win a fight in Denny's parking lot. So I went to his room and he opened the door. And, you know, because we were RAs, again, I'm not here to brag, but we got single room. Sure. We didn't have to. We didn't have to deal with all that room and board. Yes. You were stunning if you had your own room. I genuinely thought

that he had met me at a room that they show to prospective students. There was no evidence a human being was in there. And then I looked at the table and I saw five textbooks in book ends, book ended on top of his desk. And that was the only thing in the entire room that showed any evidence that a human being lived there. And it blew me the fuck away.

lived there and it blew me the fuck away and there are people who have this life i don't know what's going on with them all i can say is nick was very nice i liked him a lot though i knew nothing about him sure he did i maybe you didn't notice this but i went in his room too i mean just totally bare walls i mean like just mattress pad with the blanket. But on one wall, he had a bookshelf full of broken Teddy Ruxpins. Just going, we love you, daddy. We love you, daddy. What's cool is that guy sounds like an utter psychopath, right? But all he's doing is less clutter. Yeah.

He was just early on the condo thing. Yeah. He was condoing before condo ever condoed. And here's the thing about it, Dino. If you told me, oh, yeah, I know Nick. Here's what happened. He was born 18 years old. Not born so much as delivered out of a spore, and then went to UC Santa Cruz.

I'd be like, makes sense. Like one of those things in Cocoon. Yes. One of them cracked open and he just swam out. And he's very handsome, very fit self, just walked gracefully and quietly out, staring intently. Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Yeah, sure. And then when he reached maturity, he walked out into the ocean, and now occasionally he appears as a blue force ghost at important moments in our life.

We just look to him and nod. Riding his flaming barracuda. Right. Yeah, watching over you. So anyway, so Dina, we also, for a time, we like to kind of,

we like to look into the world of celebrity boozes, specifically Danny DeVito's Limoncello, which has a delightful Italian-style theme song. Jesse, do you want to just... Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Danny DeVito's Limoncello. Jesse, do you want to just... Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum on ice. It's the finest summer drink from Italy. Mi amici. Try the finest. Something, something, something. Oh, you gotta try this. Yeah, that sounds about right. Did we discuss on the show that

a Jordan Jesse Goh listener's dad wrote that song? No, we didn't. Yeah, one time I sang it and he emailed me. Wow. For the commercial? Yeah. Wrote we didn't. Yeah, one time I sang it and he emailed me. Wow. Yeah. For the commercial? Yeah. Wrote and performed it. Man. Do we got to cut that guy a check

every time you sing it? Yes. Oh, no. Yeah. We got to find another song to sing. I love those guys who write those jingles. Yeah.

Because they're like, I still remember some from Fresno. What are your Fresno jingles? Let's all, you're a native of Fresno, California. California's beautiful and bounteous Central Valley. It's not beautiful.

It's not a beautiful place. There's a lot of artichokes or whatever. There was one. I was like 18, 16, whatever age. It was for AutoZone. Fucking AutoZone. How exciting can that be?

This guy got in the booth, whoever recorded it, and he'd be like, get in the zone. AutoZone. That was it. Right. I know exactly that. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget it.

I remember that very song from listening to Giants games on KNBR 68, along with a song I've sung many times on this program. When the boomerang go, it come back. You will too. Out, back, out, back, steakhouse, out, back, steakhouse from the land down under. Wow. Man, these things stay with you. And this one's a little bit regional, but I think we all love KNX 1070 News Radio.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, shout out to all the jingle writers out there. It's a dying art. I love the idea of a guy just sitting at that grand piano in his apartment. Right, sleeves rolled up. Yeah, he's wiping off his forehead. He's crumpling up pieces of paper and throwing them in a pile next to his piano. He's like, oh, I got to bring these in for McCann.

Erickson's going to be there, too. KNX 1070, informational listening. Ah, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Simplify. Got to get that. Got to sell the sizzle.

Yeah. But this is actually, this comes back around to what I discovered today. So Walton Goggins has a vodka. Walton Goggins has a vodka. It's called, I think it's a variety of spirits, but I saw the vodka. It's called like Mulholland Distillery. So I think they do a lot of various spirits. like Malt Holland Distillery.

So I think they do a lot of various spirits. And I was, you know, I was just thrilled because, you know, like obviously it's been a while since we've discussed celebrity booze. I mean, I think it would be, I did not buy a bottle, but I think it'd be interesting if anybody out there has had Walton Goggins vodka to, you know, hear from them. But also I was thinking about the theme song. Like as far as I know, there is not a Walton Gogins vodka theme song so i was noodling on this today i was just at the grand piano and i was crumpling up things i had rolled up my sleeves sure yeah so white it's a baby grand he says it's a baby grand i

know yeah no i'm not i'm not liberace over here i'm not i mean i wish that's the that's the dream someday when this jingle writing thing but then I got on the phone you're more of a Tom Jones with that thick dick did Tom Jones have a thick dick yeah he's kind of legendarily thick dick that's great totally great who are the thick dick celebrities well

Milton Berle yeah I guess I don't know thick I you know Ray J both Stephen Curry and DaBaby had nude pictures released I did not look at them out of a combination

of lack of interest and respect and presence of respect yeah you don't want to look at you don't want to look at a leaked nude but I bet they both had thick dicks

sure anyway if you're shooting from half court like Steph Curry you're packing heat okay so anyway so it's like well this this Walton Goggins If you're shooting from half court like Steph Curry, you're packing heat. Okay.

So anyway, so it's like, well, this Walton Goggins, it needs a theme song to move it. Because this is the first time hearing of it was just seeing it in the store. And I'm like, oh, this should be on everyone's lips. And then I was like, so why come up with something new when we can go to the past, to a beloved melody that I think everyone, at least everyone our age, loves? I'm dreaming of a Goggins vodka. Close. Close.

Let's keep that. Table that. Keep that in the maybe pile. Okay. And here's what I came up with. Okay. Walton Goggins has a vodka with Walton Goggins has a vodka Walton Goggins has a vodka Walton Goggins has a vodka

Goggins has a vodka Walton Goggins Hey it's simple It reminds you of Ninja Turtles I know who it is I know what he's selling. It's a lot better because that is the problem ultimately with the one. I was thinking of Goggins.

Oh, sure. But it doesn't tell you what he's selling. He has a vodka and he's Goggins. Yeah, that's pretty good. It's okay. Again, we have a great maybe pile. Yeah. But I don't think we're going to beat Walton Goggins as a vodka.

Walton Goggins. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could throw ad-libs on it, too. Yeah. Immediately I get my ad-lib back. That's great. You got to.

Anyway, so yeah. Are you just going to throw this out there and let it be someone take the idea and run with it? Yeah. You're just throwing this in the universe. So here's Walton Goggins vodka. Drink it all up now. It's vodka for – Are you a tiny-toothed adventurer?

Trying. It's pretty good. Thank you. Listen, I mean, I'm open to someone beating it. If you think you can beat Walton Goggins has a vodka to the tune of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I would love you to try. Please feel free to hit us up on Twitter, hit us up on Facebook. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org with that voicemail.

I mean, voicemail or 206-9844-FUN. We want to hear your theme songs for Walton Goggins vodka. Right. And it has to include both Walton Goggins and vodka. Because you got to know who's selling it and what they're selling is Dino's selling it. And you guys should meet somewhere like at the top of Runyon.

And you have to duel there. At the rise of dawn or dusk. From dusk till dawn. You're up there. Yeah, dawn's good for me. I have something at dusk, but I could do dawn. I could do dawn. I have something from dusk till dawn. You're up there. Yeah, dawn's good for me. I have something at dusk, but I could do dawn. I could do dawn. I have something from dusk till dawn.

Oh. I'm going to be watching the movie from dusk till dawn over and over. It's not more than two hours, though. I'm going to watch it several times. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can't do that. That's one of those movies that there are, like, weirdly nine sequels to. Really?

Yeah. There's a bunch. It's like Tremors. There's, like, ten Tremorses, and I think there's also bunch. It's like Tremors. There's like 10 Tremorses and I think there's also a comparable number of From Dusk Till Dawns. There is. I've seen it. Really? Myth. There's myths. Wow. I haven't seen

any of them but I've heard rumblings. My dad, my friend's dad had a stash of directed DVD from Dusk Till Dawn movies. I liked that vodka song, Jordan. Thank you. But I think we've got listeners out

there who can do one better. I'm glad to hear people just sing acapella into the telephone. Yeah. Or meet us at Runyon. Or meet us at Runyon. Dusk or dawn. I want to hear somebody I can do dusk on Monday, dawn on Tuesday, Wednesday's out. I want to hear somebody pound it do dusk on monday dawn on tuesday wednesday's out i want

to hear somebody pounded out on their baby grand oh yeah we got listeners with baby grants we might have a listener with a full grand we might have a listener with a motherfucking pipe organ baby you know ray jay's got a pipe organ oh yeah you know ray jay's a listener oh i would love it if ray jay listened ray jay if you're out there. You seem like you might be a bad person. You don't know that. It's hard to say. Hard to say. Who knows?

Yeah. Dino, you're visiting us from Canada. Well, yes. Do you know my friend Tony? Yeah. He knows our friends Dave and Graham. He works at Tim Hortons. I know Tony.

The Tim Hortons. Tim Horton Graham. Oh, yeah? He works at Tim Hortons. I know Tony. The Tim Hortons. Tim Hortons Tony. Yeah. Oh, geez. Can I make an apology now that we brought up Dave and Graham? A few weeks ago on the program, I said that when I was in Vancouver last, Dave Shumka and I went to the aquarium. Right.

Dave Shumka was- He just went with the forced ghost of Nick. Dave Shumka was- He just went with the forced ghost of Nick. Dave Shumka clarified on Twitter, at J.D. Power, that he and I had never been to the aquarium. Wow. And in fact, I think what happened was- That was all a cat. I went to the aquarium with Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, a different handsome white guy.

Sure. And I conflated the two incidents. I went at the suggestion of either Graham or Dave. I had a nice time. There's quite a big fish petting area in Pet Rays. That's fun. Yeah, it's very fun. So I just want to apologize.

They're sleek. I want to apologize to Dave. I want to apologize to Dave's wife, Abby, who's her own person. I want to apologize to Dave's wife, Abby, who's her own person. I want to apologize to their children. I want to apologize to Graham. Sure. All the Rays. I want to apologize to all of Graham's roommates, whoever Graham's living with right now.

Just a lot of dicey living situations, Graham. It's kind of his thing. This is the apology. Yeah. And most of all, I want to apologize to the Vancouver Aqu thing. This is the apology. Yeah. And I want to most of all, I want to apologize to the Vancouver Aquarium and to those rays. I should have remembered that.

The only person I don't want to apologize to is Brian. I mean, he kind of had it coming. I got a bone to pick, though, with the aquarium. Oh, wow. Let's hear it. Let's hear about this bone. You have a bone to pick. Sounds like you have a bone to pick Heathcliff style because you just ate a whole fish and pulled the bones from your mouth. I love to do that.

Well, yeah, but speaking of that, while they're having- I'm glad you brought that up. You set him up for his famous Heathcliff story. That segues perfectly into my mind. That cuts out all the guff. I was going to, all the buildup. They, you got the beluga whale doing the, doing his fucking dance for his fish. Yeah.

Singing for his soup. Right. Yeah. These are, well, he's starving, but he has to do dance to Beyonce. And soup is one of the hardest foods for a whale to eat. Right. And they're serving fish fillets in the, at the snack bar. Wow. That's fucked eat. Right. And they're serving fish fillets at the snack bar.

Wow. That's fucked up. Sure. But, I mean, as a whale, it seems like he would be more insulted if they were mammal fillets. Yeah. That's ultimately closer.

But I bet they do identify more with fish than they do with mammals. Do you think he would be insulted if they were serving krill fillets? Right. He's like, those are mine. I love to eat those. Am I a baleen whale?

I don't know. No, belugas are probably not. Belugas are probably toothed whales. What do you think? Is a beluga a toothed or a baleen whale? My money would be on tooth. Okay, yeah. I think the toothed ones are the ones that will do tricks.

I don't think you can get a baleen to do a trick because you can't stand on a platform and hold a krill. But do we need that? Does anyone need to see a whale? Does anyone need to see? I saw the sea lion dance to uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Sea lion. Right. I looked in his eye.

His hair is going down. He doesn't want to fucking do this. Right. For no fish For kids To look at the world He just wants to catch a fish While he's moving sleekly Through the sea Now he has to learn the whole

Janet Jackson rhythm nation Routine just for lunch And imagine this Imagine if you, Dino Or you, Jordan, or I, Jesse Thorne, were forced in order to get our favorite meal, of course, it's cheeseburgers. I love cheeseburgers. You know it.

In order to get a cheeseburger, we would have to go into water and do a dance in there. On the money, too. You know what I mean? We got to get it. We got to get, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Yeah, right? water and do a dance in there on the money too you know what i mean we gotta get it yeah we gotta get oh oh oh oh no no yeah right to an to an old to an older beyonce song yeah yeah i could do it to a more recent beyonce song you pay my audible krills that's good. Yeah. It's a little whale Beyonce parody. So my point is that it's undignified for the sea lion not only to have to dance for its supper, but in a milieu in which it is uncomfortable.

Hey, man, the choir preacher. Sure. Nice to meet you. Sure. We're on the same side of this. But on that said, I think I could get a baleen wheel to turn a trick. Right. How do you do it? Are you a pimp?

You do have that ring on to turn some tricks. Right. I thought we were on the same side. Isn't that what it is to work at a water park? It is. Basically a whale pimp. A whale pimp. That's my whole thing.

If I say a flea could pull a tree, you get a chain and hook his little ass up. That's what I say to those. Wow. Yeah, I turn him out. I turn him out. I'm the sugar-free, rapper sugar-free of Animal Park employees. Sure. Hey, man.

At least you own it. I like that. That's where you learn the game. But I mean, I think we can all agree that we advocate for safety and fair treatment of aqueous sex workers. Yeah, absolutely. They deserve our respect. Absolutely. It's work. It's work.

It's work. Yeah. Anyway. Whale sex work is work. Yes. It's a lot of work, actually. You've got to turn around in the water. Sure.

Is this bit worth continuing? No. Dino's been out for five minutes. I had a real point. I'm just taking a little nap. No, I'm in it. I'm here. Okay.

I'm here, man. What's your real point, Dino? What's your real point? We already covered it. Yeah. We covered it. It's undignified to think of a whale. Right.

It's like an aquarium gets to kind of watch. It's unnecessary. Sure. It's undignified to make the whale. It's undignified. Right. It's like an aquarium gets to kind of watch. It's unnecessary. Sure. It's unnecessary. It's fine to watch them in a simulacrum of their natural habitat. Update the fucking routine. Oh, you just want a newer song. I want a thing that makes sense.

Sure. For a show, you're putting on a show. Right. Do the kids need to see a show? I mean. Okay, cool, cool. Then update the routine. Or at least just do it to Billy Eilish. Okay, cool, cool. Then update the routine. Or at least just do it to Billie Eilish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Update the routine. That's my point. Right. Or something from Lemonade. Something for sure. At least something from Lemonade if you want to. Yeah, if the SEALs are insistent on using Beyonce songs.

Maybe that country song. Everybody likes that. Sure. So you said it was Dave, Shemka you were with so you were capping you were all capping I thought it was David Shumka but it turned out to be Brian Sonny D. Fernandez that I was with

and I think I just didn't notice Brian because you know when he's around I just try and put him out of my mind sure yeah I don't he's a wonderful man look at this nice man he's got a B on his hat. That's for Brian, Dino. Sure. Dino, what's that short for? Dinosaur?

Got me, man. Cut deep, man. Well, if that's the one, and I say, ah, good one, man, and then afterwards I was like, hey, I like what you said. And you mind cutting that part off? Oh, boy. I stepped to him. You crossed the line. Hey, Dino, I was just drifting.

Hey, I respect you, but I don't think this is cool. I want to have a final edit of this. Please send it to me before you post it. I want to make sure you cut out this disrespectful dinosaur shit. Dino's publicist opens the studio door. We're like, we didn't even know you had a publicist.

Where did your publicist come from? When did they get here? She's like, cut, cut, cut, cut. He said no dinosaur stuff. He said no dinosaur. We're talking about the new album. What it's like to be on Jimmy Kimmel. It actually is

from my dad. I asked him later. I said, man, where'd you come up with that name? And he said, uh, I was watching the Flintstones and I was high. Some powerful. So you,

so you could have been Bam Bam. There was a world where if your dad had perked up at a different point in the Flintstones. man, I could have been anything, man. So Mr. Slate. Did the other people have a question?

About the Flintstones? Yes, please. You know how they have those cars where they- Is it funny? I don't think so. Yeah, yeah, the show is not. It's somewhere that is entertaining somehow, but it's not a traditional comedy. No.

When one, in the sense that it's not funny. Maybe it is. Traditionally comedy. When one, in the sense that it's not funny. Traditionally comedy. Well, I mean, I think actually, like we talked about, you are uncomfortable watching animals in servitude, and that's the only semi-funny thing in the Flintstones is that the animals are forced to act as garbage disposals, which seems like you would find cruel.

Here's my question. You know the Flintstones car Which seems like you would find cruel. Here's my question. It's a living. You know the Flintstones car where Fred goes with his feet and then, you know, courtesy of Fred's two feet, right? Sure. Do other people ride? First question. Do other people ride in that car with him? I think, yeah. Yes, yes.

He's taking the family to the drive-in. And Barney and them somewhere. Yeah. Okay. Follow-up question to that. Yeah. That was what I was thinking. Sometimes he takes everybody.

Do the other people lift their feet up so that they don't have to – I think everybody runs. I think the more people in a Flintstone car, the faster it's going. Really? I think so. Is that how speed works? Not the baby. No, the baby's not running. You're right i think that's is that how speed works baby no the baby's not running i you're right the baby's not running baby's not running they probably hold

the baby or put it in some sort of safety seat i would imagine maybe they put it in like uh yeah you're right does will does wilma does she run yeah or is it only fred right i do think she runs i think if you're in the car and you're an adult, you're running. If you're a Flintstones character. Has Brian looked this up yet? Yeah, Brian, we're going to need some clarification on this. Yeah, they all run. They all run. So what's a car for then?

That's it trying to be funny. I think that is what they are. That's trying to be. It's a joke. In the olden times, people were such fucking assholes. Right. Such rock smart dunderheads. They made innocent pterodactyls act as garbage disposals.

Well, no, that is amazing. That is an incredible achievement. These are the people we want turning out our aquatic creatures at our local water parks. That's amazing. That's different water park. That's amazing. That's different, man. That's actually a giant. He's getting fed. Right. Compost.

That's true. And I guess, right, I guess the classic joke is, you know, to camera, it's a living. Yeah. So maybe they're there voluntarily. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not assuming any time an animal has a gig.

Doesn't want it. Yeah. Yeah. No, everybody has to earn their shit. Okay. It's just the way it is. It is. To be fair,

it is hard for pterodactyls in the gig economy. That's really true. With all these apps and you can't get benefits. Yeah, you can't specialize anymore. It's hard to get benefits. Yeah, there's no pension.

Yeah, you're just... And sometimes the company is taking the tips. Right. There's a lot of reasons it's hard to be a pterodactyl. And they're describing an Uber driver, right? Yes.

That's what you're saying. I get it. Then their parents are like, well, why can't you afford a nest? I could afford a nest. And it's like, well, your generation ruined the economy. Yeah. They're like, well, what about all this avocado toast? Sure.

Okay, pterodactyl boomer. I have an update on the car. Thanks, Brian. They don't... I just saw a video where there were a bunch of people running in a bus, so I thought they all ran. Yeah. But the family actually doesn't run.

Oh, wow. There are some shots where Fred isn't even running. He's just cruising along. That's a continuity error. If he just starts the car and then it gets going i'm not sure wow but everyone on the bus runs yeah everyone on the bus runs except the driver yeah huh this is terrible sure why are we learning this are there even rules nothing makes sense it's anarchy anyway yeah okay Anyway. Okay, let's take a quick break.

I wanted to be too loud. Oh, sorry. No, no, no. You said this is a good bit. So we stop. Okay. Go to break. Go to break.

We're going to do a pterodactyl meeting. Yeah, yeah. Go to break. No, it's a friend Flintstone in a toxic work environment. Oh, right. At the construction. Anyway. It was a toxic work environment.

Mr. Slate, I'm just here to break rocks. Mr. Slate jacked off into a plant. Jacked off into a pterodactyl. He's like, it's a living. Yeah, let's go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jess, and Co. Let's go. Let's go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, If you're going to watch a viral video, let us all see. Is it the cat that says, well, hi? Because I want to see that again. Well, hi. I watched it when I got home some more. Well, hi. I've watched it. I've probably watched that 80 times.

I am not naughty. Viral videos are so good. Remember when that kid said he punched the beard off other Christmas? It's great. It's great. Okay. Anyway. To Chris from Anne.

Sure. Hi, Chris. Yes, you. Chris Clanton. I love you, and I'm very glad we're married. I'm sure Jordan and Jesse would both love you, you too if they ever got a chance to meet you. Seems likely. Yes, I bet we would.

Also, please enjoy- Ooh, I'd love him up and down, baby. All right, he's a married man. I don't know if they have- So am I. Well, okay, well- And she gave permission. You guys are, well, everyone's very open-minded

in this situation. Yeah. I love an open mind. I don't think Teresa would be cool with it. Yeah, well, much you don't know. What happens on the podcast stays on the podcast. We would be doing it on mic. Yeah.

Also, please enjoy this moment to its fullest extent because it's pretty much your whole Christmas present. We have a toddler, and well, this is all I've got this year. Yeah, that's what having a toddler is like. Yep. Just no more Christmas presents. Sorry, everybody. Just get a Jumbotron. We got the miracle of life going on over here.

But that's about the best we can offer. Present enough. Yeah. Anyway, hey. If you want to get on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron, we'll share your message. We would love to.

We'll plug your goddamn candle company. Sure, you got a candle company? Yeah. Hey there, you got a stinky wick out there? Yeah. We'll talk about your stinky candle company. Sure. You got a candle company? Yeah. Hey, there. You got a stinky wick out there? Yeah. We'll talk about your stinky wicks. Yeah. Hey, speaking of stinky wicks, we're coming to Sketch Fest.

We are. January 15th, Wednesday, January 15th, 8 p.m. at the Punchline in San Francisco. You know our friend comedian Nato Green organized an effort to save the Punchline this past year. It was about to go out of business and close down. But then they heard Jordan and Jesse are coming. Yeah. And they said, quick, let's close it down before Nato can save it. But they didn't.

Nope. We're going to be there January 15th, 8 p.m., Punchline Comedy Club. Awesome guests on this show. Glenn Washington, friend of Dino Archie's. Yes. Tony Hale, of course, from Veep, from Arrested Development that's Forky from the movie Forky

Forky will be there, and Pete Fields music from Pete Fields, he is from Slow Motion Cowboy and Trainwreck Riders it's going to be a blast SF Sketchfest shows are always a blast but I think this one's going to be awesome you're going to be on the Talking Simpsons podcast on that Tuesday night. Yes, Tuesday night, January 14th, 8 p.m. at Piano Fight.

I'm going to be talking about the first season of The Simpsons. The Talking Simpsons guys. The whole first season? The whole first season. You're like, yeah, it's interesting. It's not as good as it got later. But you see where some of the ideas came from. Yeah.

And the characters look weird. Their voices are a little weird, too. Yeah. Judge John Hodgman. They talk about frosty chocolate milkshakes a lot. Thursday night, I'm going to be doing Judge John Hodgman with my friend John Hodgman at the Castro Theater. Confirmed, we have booked the organ man. Wow. He's going to play the organ. The mighty Wurlitzer there booked the Organ Man. Wow.

He's going to play the organ, the mighty Wurlitzer there at the Castro Theater. Oh, you're not talking about Ray J. He's known as an Organ Man. SFSketchFest.com for all those tickets. Come out. They're going to be great shows. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse,

Goff. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dino Archie. You can have a nickname. Drip Lord. There you Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dino Archie. You can have a nickname. Drip Lord. There you go.

Drip James. Drip Flair. Dino said I was a pimp because I'm wearing a ring. Dino's got a pinky ring on. Frankie wing until I get a wedding ring. You know the vibe. Sure. That's how it goes.

That's the vibe. Classic vibe. Sure. I mean, listen, I've heard the songs while the seals are dancing. Yeah. You got to put a ring on it. Yeah. Sure. I mean, listen, I've heard the songs while the Seals are dancing. Yeah. You got to put a ring on it. Yeah. Sure.

My large flipper. Jordan loves to get out to the Seal shows. Love to get out to the Seal shows. Love to think about a giant ring that would fit over a flipper. When it comes to loving Seals, this guy's a regular Heidi Klum. Yeah. That's true. Kids from the road.

Are they still married? I don't know. They're not still married. Brian says no. Too bad. R.I.P. What chance do the rest of us have? I don't think they're dead not so married. Brian says no. R.I.P. What chance do the rest of us have? I don't think they're dead.

He proposed to her. Oh, they are. They're dead to me. Oh, wow. I only liked them while they were married. Okay. Sure. Seal was very funny in his pop star cameo, but now I don't care. He was great in pop star. I forgot about that. He got killed by wolves. Yeah. It's a good movie. Okay.

Anyway. Hey, we got calls Oh yeah When something momentous Happens to you Like you remember How funny Seal was In Popstar The movie Popstar

Don't stop Never stopping Is that what it's called Don't stop Never stopping Yeah That should be On most people's

Best of the decade list Right Sure should Popstar No best of the decade list Is complete without it the movie pop star somebody was just telling me that that was the one shit's fucking hilarious yeah you know how you hear the premise and you're like i don't think i want to see a movie about

that you do yeah it turns out you super do everybody's saying it i gotta do it yeah uh 206-9844 fun is the number to call when something momentous happens to you. Or send us your voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Before we go to the calls, can I tell you two things that my children said? Make it three. Sorry. The last one, make it fake. This is comedy.

It's the rule of twos. Oh, right. The rule of twos. My son, Curtis, who's two and a half years old. That's a fun age. it fake this is comedy it's the rule of twos oh right the rule of twos uh my son curtis yeah who's two and a half years old uh that's a fun age was walking down the stairs in the back of our house i was sitting in my office i could just hear him but i couldn't i couldn't see him he was walking i heard his like halting footsteps going down the stairs and then I heard and then I heard him turn to Teresa and say

I tooted. That's weird. That's good. That's number one. Yep. The second one is same situation. Exact same situation

with my six-year-old Oscar. That's a fun age. They're all fun ages aren't they? That's why you're not getting anything this year for Christmas, because I got a toddler. And Oscar's walking down the stairs, and he tooted.

And he turned to Teresa and he said, I wrote it down verbatim real quick so I wouldn't. He said, Mom, every time I feel gassy and I toot, I feel like I get shorter. You know, it's really nice. I want to really commend. That's very just like vulnerable. Yeah. I'm going to put all of it on the table. This might sound weird, but this is where I'm at.

I like that. That's no ego. That's I'm at. I like that. That's no ego. That's all complete vulnerability. I like that. I just want to commend you and Teresa for raising children who are so fart positive. Sorry. In our family, they're called dirts. Dirts.

Yeah. You use the F word for dirts. Oh, right. Of course. Yes. But it's nice. It's nice to see kids who are not ashamed of their natural gas. Can I tell you something that Oscar was not ashamed of today?

Today, he said to Teresa, and this is in the realm of being emotionally open and available. Right. He said, Mommy, I have to tell you something. And she's like, what's that? And he said, when we were staying at Rob's house, which is our friend Rob Bedecker of Casper Hauser, where we stayed for Thanksgiving. When we were staying at Rob's house, I said, hey, Alexa, show me a butt.

And then I looked at a lot of pictures of butts. Wow. Yes. Wow. Alexa does that? I have to leave. Alexa, we'll just show you butts. Alexa was like, hey, are you sure?

No. Like, there's no, like, how old are you? Alexa was like, all right, how old are you? Yeah, say you're 18. Right, right. But maybe it's old are you? Say you're 18. You're right. But maybe it's not nude butts. It could be clothed butts. I don't think it was a sexual thing. I think he just thinks butts are fun.

Sure. Yeah. Sexually fun. No, no, no, no, no. Alexa, I like big butts and I cannot lie. Can you show me some of those? Would you like me to add to your shopping list? Do you not really like that one?

Do you not like that one? I'm having fun over here remembering. I do because I wish that was real when I was a kid. Oh my God. That's like a genie. Had to do so much work to look at butts. Yeah, that's a genie. Yeah.

Kids have butts at their fingertips. Yeah. I bet you could say, Alexa, show me a toot. Yeah, it'd probably show you a toie. Yeah. Kids have butts at their fingertips. I bet you could say, Alexa, show me a toot. Yeah. It'd probably show you a toot. Right there. It'd be great. She doesn't give a shit. Sure. Yeah. I just work here.

I wonder what the first butt it shows you is. Oh, yeah. Anyway. That's good stuff, man. Hey, let us know what the first butt you see on Alexa is. What's your first Alexa butt? Yeah. Are we going to get into a Baby Geniuses situation where people start sending us pictures of their butts?

You know, I'm fine with that being their thing. Yeah. Yeah. I think so, too. We need our own thing. Let's see those hobs. Let's see those cranks, gentlemen. Yeah.

Yes, this is my crank voice. This is the voice of the one who wants to see the cranks. I love to see the cranks. Oh, did I say cranks? I mean cranks. The villain from Ninja Turtles. Hey, Alexa, show me cranks. Hey, Alexa, show me cranks. Okay, let's hear a call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Alexa, show me Krang. Hey, Alexa, show me Krang.

Okay, let's hear a call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. I'm going to spitball here. I'm going to say Travis McElroy. So close. I might have missed him by probably 50 episodes. Tino's known as Travis McElroy of Fresno.

I was in my residence, and some friends came over, friends of friends, per se. And this man was smoking a very large blunt. And he looked at me, and he said, hey, man, you wanted me some Froot Loops? And I thought to myself, okay, he is offering me the strain of marijuana known as Froot Loops. And I said, yeah, sure, expecting for him to pass the blunt. Froot Loops. And I say, yeah, sure. Expecting for him to pass the blunt. And instinctively, he reaches

into his Abercrombie and stitched hoodie, grabs a handful of Froot Loops, and then just kind of tosses them at me, as if you were throwing a snowball at someone. I'm now in the Jack in the Box drive-thru.

I'm about to go get extremely, extremely zooted, very high, and figure out what other secrets this Fruit Loops man has. Thanks. Have a good one. Strong as a rock, red as a river. Where was the Fruit Loops man? Was it in the Jack in the Box parking lot? I think it was in the Jack in the Box parking lot.

He was offering him Froot Loops. Huh. He says loose Froot Loops in a hoodie pouch. An Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie. They come with Froot Loops in there. Oh, wow. It's one of the new things at A&F because, you know, death of malls and so on and so forth. Right, sure.

Very hard for retail these days, Dino. I thought they were at two different locations. Oh, so this guy had the Froot Loops tossed at him. And then he bailed out to Jack's. Yeah. Oh, man. I need to. That's where he gets his thoughts together.

Yeah. He didn't order nothing. He just went to the tri-food. I just need to collect myself and go to a place where I can get egg rolls and tacos. And breakfast. And breakfast. All in one big bag and you shake it up. It's called Jack's Fuck You Bag.

I remember when Jack came out, he was a hater, man. He came out like 50%. He was a hater, man. He came out hating on Taco Bell. Elaborate on this. He had a great guest verse on How to Rob. Yeah, he was like, fuck Taco Bell. He came out like Tupac.

Right. Like, fuck Taco Bell. Carl's Jr., you ain't shit. Burger King, fuck you. We Jack. Jack is here now. And there's a whole, can you YouTube that? When Jack first hit the scene? He was a businessman.

He came out like, right. Just Google Jack in the box, how to Rob remix. Yes. Jack's sickest burns. It's a Jack move. Yeah yeah because he had the business suit on right he was corporate he was respectable he was respectable but he didn't give a fuck because he had a round head yeah and he had the nose and he was just like what's up man let's get this money sure i'm here it's 24 hours we don't we don't close you want one of those flat oval

hash browns at 1 a.m.? Can't get that at Taco Bell. Yeah, nothing's good there, but we serve it all. Right, yes. And we never close. It never closes. Jack from the Jack in the Box, he's got that nose, and he's about that money. He's about that life. He was like, I wouldn't be surprised if he got it.

The man lives the lyrics. I'm surprised if he didn't have a strap on him. He's like a corporate businessman. I'd be surprised. Number one, I'd be surprised if he didn't have a strap on him. I know he has a strap. Number two. Somewhere close.

Number two, I'd be surprised if he didn't have a strap-on on. Right. I think both of them. I think you're right. I think you want to see a bulge in those suit pants. Yeah. And if he doesn't have it naturally, you're going to want to tie a strap-on on down there. Yeah, I think

that's likely. But yeah, I mean, you gotta be packing because all these other mascots are probably gutting for him. Yeah, you got the king, you got Ronald. Ronald got a big old dick. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that. He's nuts.

He has a clown dick. The grimace does, but it's internal. Wait, like a clown shoe? Yeah, sure, big shoes. Clown dick. And then Burger King, that guy, he's the king, so it don't even matter. He probably has a small dick, but he's the king. So he's going to eat no matter what.

Jack came out of nowhere, and he was like, I pulled myself up by my Republican bootstraps. I feel like he's conservative and business wise, liberal in sort of a John McCain type. He is. He's like a rebel conservative. And he was like, I got to break into this business and I got to do it the only way I know. And he starts shitting on everybody. We're never closing. We're open on Christmas and and we're selling whatever. Whatever you spaghetti will sell. Right.

Here's a yes. Your spaghetti with hot sauce on it. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck this is. Yeah. Yeah. You know who has the biggest hog in fast food? Who?

Five guys. Oh, why's that? Well, you line up all the hogs. So I'll take five hogs. Oh, you're saying all. You're combining all. Have you guys ever picked up- They're all average sized.

So all together they make- But with every five. Together they're mighty. They're a big- Like a Voltron. Like Abdi Planet, they just- Yes. All with a different element of-

Yes, one is heart, one is fire, one is water. One's wood, of course. element of yes one is heart one is fire one is water one's wood of course have you ever jordan picked up one of those in and out uh drink cups and looked on the rim underneath sure where it says thick nine inch yes sure yeah have you ever looked at a chipotle cup yeah it has like wisdom like woke shit yeah is there wisdom there's? There's wisdom in a Chipotle cup? On it. On it. Like a bunch of slogans

that people live by. It's like dance like nobody's watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With this is important. It's like, yeah. Just things you need to know. Don't neglect the balls.

Don't neglect the balls. Yeah. Eating and cheating. Eating and cheating. Consent. Yeah. It just says consent on there Consent is sexy

Yeah, get the consent Hit the back wall Well, we had a lot of fun Should we take another call? Why? Just keep listing things that are on the Chipotle cup for 10 more minutes and call it? Nah, let's take that other call. Okay.

Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and two other guests because I'm no good at guessing. This is David from Milwaukee calling with a momentous occasion. My wife and I knew some people that owned a store that would rehab furniture and sell secondhand items, and they were closing up to pursue some new business opportunities. We went in to purchase some items on their last weekend, and they were telling us about a box of items, clarity will happen in a moment, that they'd sold earlier in the day for $1,000. They had another box with similar materials, and they just needed to get rid of it at that point Because they couldn't go through and do it all on eBay

And they just needed it gone So they sold it to us for $60 This box was 94 vintage Swedish and French porno magazines Most of the Swedish ones were illegal to sell And distribute at the time And these are so hardcore There's full penetration on the cover

Just thought you guys would appreciate it Why? We don't like to fuck These are so hardcore, there is full penetration on the cover. Thought you guys would appreciate it. Why? We don't like to fuck. Yeah, who are we, Chipotle cups? Yeah, you guys is nasty on this podcast. This is the first swearing we've ever done. This is the first time we've ever. Yeah.

This is the first time this has ever happened. We talk about Walden Goggins, Danny DeVito's Limoncello, and which of the McDonaldland characters has the biggest dick. That must have been wild, though, in like 1972. You had access to almost no pornography. Right. Unless you had a Swedish friend. Sure, yeah.

Then you had it all. Just one friend who could bring an extra bag back on a trip home for Christmas. You know what I mean? Just one Swede. Right. Well, I brought what you wanted. Sure. Some of the bushes will be

distracting. Yes. But there's full penetration right here on the cover. Is this a Swedish voice? Don't know. Might not be. Could be Norwegian. Could be Norwegian.

Could just be two American assholes who are culturally insensitive. That's right. Not well-traveled, they are. Yeah. I've been to Sweden once. Oh. For 24 hours. I learned to do this.

Do you have any pornography magazines for me, Werner Herzog? All I want to see is a man getting fucked by nature. Yes, a man falling into a crater. And he ejaculates one more time before he dies. 206-984-4FUN is your number to call. 206-984-4FUN or JJGo at MaximumFun.org if something momentous happens to you. Or if you've got a new theme song

for that Walton Goggins fucking vodka. Yeah, as long as it scans with a nostalgic theme song, we want to hear it. Yeah, I want to hear a fully produced. Again, I'm not discouraging anyone who's just going to call in and leave a voicemail. Right. I'm not discouraging anyone who's just going to hit record on voice memo and email it over to JJ Goat Maximum Fundamentals.

Sure. It'll kind of have a lo-fi quality like the first few Against Me albums. But you're not opposed if they put a little sauce on it, a little stank to it. Sauce it up a little bit. Yeah. Go to SoundCloud. There's a bunch of SoundCloud rappers. Like a recent Against Me albums. But you're not opposed if they put a little sauce on it, a little stank to it. Yeah, sauce it up a little bit. Yeah, go to SoundCloud. There's a bunch of SoundCloud rappers. Like a recent Against Me album. I'd like to see if anybody can maybe get a super producer involved or something.

Like Mark Ronson? Yeah, Nile Rodgers, maybe. Mike Will made it. Uh-huh. The Neptunes. Get the Neptunes. You know what? You don't even have to get the Neptunes.

You don't even have to get Pharrell. Just get Chad. Chad Hugo on the beat. What if Dre came out for this? Yeah. Like this was detox? Yeah. It was the most fire.

It's ready. For Walter Goggins. Yeah, it's like when that fucking Hateration in the Dancery song dropped, and you're like, oh, shit shit dre's got the game on lock he was quiet for a minute but this is it can he do it without scott storch that's the question jordan scotch is nice man i follow him on instagram you follow scott storch? Call him Scotch, combining the two names. That's all Scotch. Yeah. Well, I think they should make that his thing. Yeah, it makes sense. It makes sense.

Didn't he make like $50 million as a Superdude producer and lose it all? Yes. Yeah. And he's getting it all back. He was also in The Roots. Yeah. Those are interesting things about Scott Storch. He's from Philly, man.

He's like, and he just is, oh, he's let the fingers do the talking. He makes beats on the spot. This guy's on Instagram. On Instagram. Wow. Sounds like a good follow. It's a good follow, man. You know, this is a good time to announce now my New Year's resolution.

Get on Instagram. Oh, wow. You want in? I'm not on it. Why do you want in? Well, I mean, I think, you know, I mean, I think mainly for- Alexa won't show him butts. Alexa will not show me butts.

Alexa will not show me butts. She thinks I'm not old enough. Even though my mom said it was okay. You know, I think just for, you know, I think. Do you feel like you're missing out or you want to get a part of that community? Maybe a little bit. I think for, you know, for kind of like maybe self-promotion, you know. So do you guys, you guys operate, i gave up my my twitter account okay i got out this year smart don't miss it yeah you guys rock on twitter yeah i do instagram a little

bit more and even that at times i'm like man i wish is do you ever wish none of it not none of it existed but do you ever take breaks and come back or Yeah. Yeah. You know, I can think for showbiz types, it is good for the career to be out there being funny and to promote yourself and to promote your things and podcast episodes, these kinds of things. But, yeah, but I would love it if I felt secure enough in my career to not have any kind of social media at all. That would be great. Would that be the- That would be nice. I just want to be in a Star Wars movie so someone will bully me off.

Yeah. I want to see pictures of my cousin's kids sometimes to see how they're doing, how they're growing up. I want to hear from the occasional friend from high school who I like. how they're growing up. I want to hear from the occasional friend from high school who I like. And I want to see – I did follow a scruffy dog named – someone went in the – put this on Twitter tweets. I mean Instagram comments and wrote, Jesse, you need to follow at City Willie.

And it wasn't someone recommending a dog. It was the dog recommending himself. Oh. Well, he's not sliding into DMs. That's like a pretty thirsty pooch. And I was like, this is bullshit. Number one, I don't follow dogs on Instagram. I follow people I know and menswear shit because it's my menswear Instagram.

And then I was like, but, you know, I'll tap on this name and see what. Sure. This dog's fucking premium as shit. I subscribed to that shit. Now it's all I want to look forward to on Instagram. No more fucking Japanese guys in fancy outfits. Now it's all scruffy dog. Right.

Right. Yes. I think I would. I'd like to keep it, but not promote anything. Yeah. Just as like a. Just have it as a fun. Like a Tumblr. Yeah. Like a blog but not promote anything. Yeah. Just as like a Tumblr.

Yeah. Like a blog of whatever I think. I've been recording movie scenes. Like if I'm up late and like Purple Rain came on and Prince came in there after his dad, Clarence Williams III, played by him, beat up his mom. He comes in there and he's like, where are you, motherfucker? And he did this spin move. It was only Prince could do it. He like floated and turned there and he's like where are you motherfucker and he did this spin move oh it was only prince could do he like floated and turned but he's acting and i just just shot that scene like oh you i know this little shit and i'll put it up there like i need you all to

see this too yeah or morris day talking shit that's what i like it for yeah i would like to follow an instagram just of mor Day talking shit. Yeah. Sure. Yep. That's all. Yeah. Rick James. All of them guys.

You know, that was the kind of thing in the Tumblr days. Yeah. It would be, fuck yeah, Morris Day talking shit. Yeah. I would also be willing to download an app that was promoted by Jerome. Mm-hmm. It's just a mirror app. Oh, sure. Jerome was talking big shit. He was fly by Jerome. It was just a mirror app. Sure.

Jerome was talking big. He was fly, man. I put Jerome on there. That dude is. Did you see that dude on like the, maybe they were on the BET Awards recently, I want to say. That's what they were on, I think.

I was watching them. Those motherfuckers are still clean as a board of health, looking good, dancing good, singing good. They got their act together. Watch out, county fairs, because your shit's about to get burned down by Morris Day and Jerome. They look so good. They sounded so good. I was like, fuck yeah.

Your girl's coming home with glitter on her. Yep. If she's anywhere near the vicinity of the stage. Even if she's just getting a funnel cake. She's just like, you get home and you're like, how did this mirror get in my bed? This full-length floor mirror. Yeah, I just want to use it to show moments of dope shit that I've downloaded in my head. Yeah, you know, this sounds great.

Once I get on the Instagram, I'm going to follow you. Jordan, I'm going to follow you. Jordan, I'm going to follow you. Hey, thanks, man. I want to see some pictures of Bug. Yeah, oh, yeah. I do have a cat that I think could be very popular. Probably getting a box or something. She's a little fat.

It's part of her charm. Yeah. Okay. 2069044FUN, JJGOATMAXIMUMFUN.ORG. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Issa Go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Never Made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt. So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day, and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the Odd Couple.

Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey. She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey pokey. Won't she learn what it's all about? Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner. Baby, this is family. My Uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family.

Do you want him staying with us? He did stay with us for three months. And he was a delight. A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilots Society, for maximum fun. Hi, I, la. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother,

a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. These are really hard questions. They are really hard questions. I don't have any answers for that. I don't either. Sack of garbage.

I know. The end of the show will just be five minutes of Liz and Teresa crying and screaming until the outro is played. So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job. Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse Gohm. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morse, boy detective. Dino Archie, a.k.a. D. Goggins. Dino, by the way, on the subject of reasons that it's unusual that Dino announced I could pimp out a marine mammal because I'm wearing a ring, it just occurred to me, Dino announced I could pimp out a marine mammal because I'm wearing a ring. It just occurred to me Dino walked in here wearing a warm-up jacket with fur trim. Okay. Is that a warm-up jacket? I think it's pretty much a warm-up jacket. I don't know.

Wouldn't you say it's a warm-up, like out of a tracksuit? No, man. That's like, well, it's- Is it like a bomber? I think it's like- Maybe more of a silky bomber? It's a silky bomber. It's a silky bomber. It's a fly of the Harlem, you know, late 2000 era.

So you're trying to be like in the dip set with this first train. I'm not trying to be nothing, but if I were to say what, so for the listeners who can't see it. You've got dip drip? It's kind of dipped down, man. There's a little bit of a drip, of a drippling mat over there. I mean, if anybody out there,

if anybody out there is, and that's a shout out to Cam because he's, yeah, you already know. We all know who keeps computers, we know who keeps

computers, and have you heard the new album? Purple Haze, Purple Haze 2. Is there a new song about whether he keeps computers peeing? There's not, but he's talking about Maury, though.

He always likes Maury. He loves Maury Bowman. He fucks with Maury heavy and keeps computers peeing. When Cameron was at his peak, I was rolling my eyes at the Dipset people. There'd be these people who love the diplomats cameron's crew they love them so much and i'd be like god shut up about the fucking dip set you know like how good because i was being serious at the time i was like i look i like beanie seagull or whatever i like these serious raps looking back i fucking blew it so big time

that crazy silly nonsense that cameron talks is like one of the best rap things ever in history. And he would have like a yellow, Laffy Taffy colored fur coat to the ankles that matched his Land Rover in the same color. Yeah. Yeah. We were wrong about a lot of Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He. We were wrong about flowers. Yeah. Yeah. He deserves.

He deserves his flowers while he could still smell a man. Yeah. I agree. You know, a lot of rappers. Here's to you. Kill a can. Yeah. Thank you, man.

For a dip set salute. Still doing it for the culture. He got a new album out. I get nothing in this. I am. I am an A&R at Warner Brothers. You've actually just used your plug time. It's over.

I mean, I don't know. You know, like, hold on. Hell Rel has a new record. Hell Rel. Nope, sorry. That was the plug. You used it. It was more than worth it.

You used it. It was more than worth it. We can know. I don't want nothing. You're not. We don't want to. Check out Jim Jones falling too. No, no, no. than worth it. We can know. I don't want nothing. You're not. We don't want to. Check out Jim Jones falling too. No.

No. That's it. That's like when they go, chefs, don't touch shit. Yeah. I've seen one on the shows where they got 20 minutes to make a fucking key shirt. This is on like. On the chops. All them stupid ass shows.

And they go, five, four. And then the guy had like a little bit of chives. The time went zero and he threw them on and everyone was like. Wow. What the fuck did you just do? That's a dream. Be out there fucking throwing chives. We don't want to anger our brothers and sisters to the north.

So you can have an extra plug if you want to. What are you up to? Tell people where they can find you. Where can people see the great Dino Archie? When is this going to? This goes out tomorrow, baby. Tuesday. Tuesday.

Yeah. They can find me in the Drip City capital, Vancouver, Canada. I'm doing a show January 4th. In this case, does drip just refer to Patagonia vests? No, there's a lot of that, but this is very wet. It's a wet city. It's literally physically dripping. It's literally like the-

It's the coffee. They like a drip coffee. They don't want an Americana. They have all categories of drip. Post-nasal. Yeah, I'm doing this show. I do it annually. It's on my birthday, January 4thth and it's at the vogue theater

and i have like four other dope ass comics uh from canada usually like dave merhez gavin madsen guys that are in the states but they came from there and you know we do a whole like you know five of us can like can my friend tony come tony's have VIP tickets. Oh, good. Tony from the Tim Hortons. Yeah, it's a good vibe, man. Tim Hortons, Tony. And it's like a party. I have a DJ on. And so that's the biggest thing I'm doing. And other than that, I'm living life, man.

I'm touring out of there. I just got engaged. Hey. And shout out to my girl. Congratulations. She's healthy. You know, it's healthy and boring and fucking great. Yeah.

Sleeping early, you know. That's what's up. Eating early. My food's digested right. You got to sleep early. You got to go to sleep early. Yeah. I'm working on some lamb chops in the tum-tum right now, baby.

Get to bed around 11. Yeah. Yeah, man. Life is good. So you can find me, DinoArchie.com or DinoTheBeloved at Instagram. It's bold. Cut off Twitter. You thinking about doing Jordan the Beloved?

Have you considered that? Come on, jump on. Oh, I was probably a soccer player or something. Jordan the Bluest Eye. Maybe not that. Didn't seem appropriate. Might not go over like, they would have had to have heard this riff for that not to seem offensive. The purest skin in the booth.

I love Tony Morrison. Tribute. Milky white Jordan? I just wanted to get away from the Tony Morrison stuff. I didn't even think about having to get my name on there. I didn't even get my name on Twitter.

Jordan Morris, that already belongs to famous soccer player Jordan Morris, I'm sure. Probably. From the Seattle on there. Yeah. I didn't even get my name on Twitter. Jordan Morris, that already belongs to famous soccer player Jordan Morris, I'm sure. Probably. From the Seattle Sounders. Yeah. Hmm. Anyway.

You're going to have to, you're going to end up with J underscore Orton underscore Morris. dot more dot is hyphen podcast. Dot 69

slash nice. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sure. Well, Dino Archie, it's been a joy. Yeah. We'll see everybody at SF Sketch Fest in San Francisco January 15th at the Punchline.

Is that right? 14th? That's correct, I think. 15th. 15th at the Punchline. We will see you in your songs about Walt and Goggins vodka. Right. Walt and Goggins vodka right

hey so so next next week we got a special live show coming at you with Ali Gertz and the Doughboys

hot fire hot fire and ow no there's a fire in the studio that has nothing to do with the show being good

it's it's not don't worry it's still it's fine the show is fine. It's sort of a habit. It's sort of a habit.

You get used to it after a while. So Brian Sonny D. Fernandez has been nice enough. He's going to tack on to the end of that live show some of the best Jordan and Jesse Go moments from 2019. some of the best Jordan-Jesse Go moments from 2019. So if you have anything you want to suggest, just suggest a moment, hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. If you're a real chum, maybe you'll put a little time code there. But yeah, if you have anything you want to hear in that best of the year montage, JJGo on Twitter.

Yeah, you can share it also on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can tag us on Facebook or message us on Facebook. Just look for JordanJesseGo there. Any of those will work. That time code makes Brian's life a lot better. He's nodding up and down. He's basically just saying, please, please put a time code. He's horny for time code.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.