Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 61B: Humiliating Failures

Episode Date: May 21, 2008

The second half of our marathon pledge show with Dan Kennedy.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dumm, fiddly, palm tree. This week, I basically do everything within my power to turn this program into a listener-supported audio version of Seventeen Magazine.

Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective And Dan Kennedy without a clever nickname I thought we were going with Universal Clute I thought I was, for a minute I was Gotten Blanded?

I was Gotten Blanded for a second But I just feel like now it's just so trendy To trot out the Swedish nickname in a podcast You know that whole It's like having a chick bass player Yep, chick bass player. Yep, chick bass player or donks at your wedding. Time out.

I've got great news. It seems that Coco has a new octo. Congratulations, Coco. Coco's favorite game is chew on the octopus, and she destroyed one octopus, and it looks like somebody, probably my beloved fiance, picked up a new octopus for her on the way home. This should be an engaging photo. Do you get in trouble or feel weird

when you talk about Teresa? Do you still say girlfriend sometimes? Are you required to say fiance? I had no idea that I was required to say fiance. You are? Yeah. Apparently, based on the shocked reactions that i get from members of the fairer sex if i accidentally say girlfriend instead of fiance wow like holy shit

yeah yesterday just yesterday carrie kenny from the state reno 911 deeply dismayed that i accidentally said girlfriend instead of fiance was she she on The Sound of Young America? She was here for The Sound of Young America. No, we were just hanging out. Really deeply dismayed that you said girlfriend? I told her I wasn't. We were just making out and I told her I wasn't engaged. It was just a casual thing. It was just a weird misunderstanding, I guess.

Oh, man. You know, a lot of young people, Dan, look to us, people like me and Jordan, for a little bit of guidance in their life. They ask us important questions that are going on for them that they think we can sort of steer them in the right direction, I'd say. I mean, as guys who have made it. Right. We're successes. Sure.

I make upwards of $25,000 a year. I make a quarter hundred thousand dollars a year. I've appeared in a local commercial for the weather guy. Not bad, not bad. A lady sent me cookies in the mail. You see what I'm saying? I've written on the internet for seven years, so I'm not exactly sweating it. Yeah, exactly.

Dan Kennedy's doing it for you. You're in good company. I've done internet writing. I can buy as many fucking octos as I want for my dog. But you know what I love, though, is how you still sort of keep your feet on the ground and you're like, oh, it's kind of a big day because there's a new octo. Exactly. You know what I mean?

Which is sweet because it's like, really? Because you could have just got a hundred of them. It's called perspective, people. Jesse knows where he came from. Get some. I'm like Hammer in that sense. Yes. I was going to mention that. You're going to waste all your money on octos. Yeah, well, I guess I'm more like

Master P in that I have gold leaf ceilings. You're getting octos for everybody that works for you. Yeah, absolutely. In the Hammer sense. All my people get octos. Everybody from the old neighborhood. We've made it so people occasionally will ask us, you know,

just for a little advice and guidance on, you know, the things that are going on in their life. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Jordan. This is Pete from Richmond, Virginia, and I have a question for you. I'm walking around a hotel. It's like half hotel, half mall because it's in the same building my new Y is in, and there was a banquet left out. Boy, I guess some fancy fans have had a banquet.

And there was an ice cream sundae bar that was unattended. I thought about stealing some ice cream, and then I pushed out. And I want to know if that was the right thing to do. I didn't want to get in trouble, but I did want some ice cream. So let me know what you think I should have done. Now, number one, pussy does not mean weakness. That's a strong muscle

thing. A pussy. So I would prefer for you to say you vagina'd out or queered out. Yeah. Did you say Mexican'd out? Yeah, I did say that. was it's the preferred weird but

catholic doubt you know let's let's deal let's zoarostrian out zoroastrian bernie brith what about bernie brith? Because they really are pussies. That's their religion. Anyway. Sure, Benet Brithed Out. Struck a pensive chord, clearly, with the others. Sorry, I didn't know somebody was a Benet Brith-er. Or-ist. I think you should have stole the ice cream

because the only people who would say anything would be the hotel staff, and I doubt that they care. They're in the hospitality industry here. Dan is doubtful. What's your problem? I don't know. I think

this guy needs to ask himself, is it really a gift or is it a punishment? You're stealing something that's bad for you. Really really who's it's delicious though right have you tasted an ice cream sundae before what is it uh here we go okay so here we go that's the problem yeah the answer here's the answer dan we're going to 31 flavors after this is there ice cream with anything other stuff i guess anything on display at a hotel is yours for the taking, whether or not you're a registered guest of that hotel slash conference.

And in fact, I encourage you, a great hobby is to go to hotels and see what you can get. I don't applaud that behavior, though, Jesse. I need to say, as a frequent guest of hotel establishments, I pride myself on doing the right thing. Now, Dan, I'm myself on doing the right thing. Now, Dan, I'm not talking here about a robe. I don't want you to steal the robe out of your room. They can track you down.

Yeah, they have your credit card info. Potted plant out of the lobby. That's what we're talking about. But you see those people. You see those people walking around hotels when you stay there. Let me be clear. They think they got away with something. I'm primarily talking about those tiny bottles of coke you know those little bottles of coke you take them out of the minibar and then you replace them with a two liter bottle jamming in there you

don't take anything from the minibar i'm talking about from the conference rooms here i'm talking about shit you can get in conference rooms glass of water, Perrier little tiny coke AV system so you've got the means to give yourself a great slideshow at home which is nice if you've lifted something like that but do you really want ice cream that like let's say 1200 conventioneers

have been breathing on yes, great, ice cream is fantastic next call hi Jordan and Jesse, this is Alex from San Francisco. Yeah, I was just wondering, you guys get some pretty, pretty big names that come on to, you know, Jordan, Jesse Go and Jesse's little side project, the side of Young America. And, you know, I was wondering whether or not you guys kind of hang out with some of these guests that come on. You know, Judge Hodgman, Andrew Daly, and Club Professor Ackner. Whether or not, you know, after the show, you guys just kind of, you know, call it quits,

go your separate ways, or if you guys just kind of go bowling afterwards, maybe grab some brewskis and go clubbing. So, yeah. What are your thoughts on that? I don't know if these celebrities that come on there are a little snubbish to you afterwards and, you know, just pretend like nothing happened after it or if you guys make anything out of it. Frankly, I mean, at the end of the day, people are coming on Jordan and Jesse Go for the exposure.

They know that dozens of people listen to this program each and every week. Take Andy Daly, for example. Andy Daly is a gifted comic. He's now a film celebrity. He was already on Mad TV. What he's coming in here is he knows if I spend x amount number of minutes enduring jordan and jesse i will sell y number of mustache tvs you see what i'm saying which is a product he sells on mustache tv.net it's a mustache that you place on your television it's a bit of a parlor game

you get points depending on what the mustache lands on. So ultimately, it's really a math equation, I would say. You know what, though? I'm just kidding. We're friends with these people. In fact, this guy described a typical night out with Claude Brodesser-Akner. Go bowling, pick up a couple brewskis, go clubbing. Preferably in that order. Dan, do you plan on hanging out with us after this?

I have a white limousine waiting downstairs with a scotch on the rocks in the back of it. Pretty much when we're done, the nice driver... And three straws in the scotch? The nice guy shit ends as soon as we press stop, and then I just roll right to my limo. You know

where I told your limo your next stop was? Chateau Bowl. Yeah, have stop was? Chateau Bowl. Yeah. Have you been to Chateau Bowl? I haven't been there yet. Chateau Bowl is really fun. It's this bowling alley in Koreatown on 4th Street. It's really fun.

They've got great kind of old kind of video games from the mid-90s. They have a snack bar. They have like $3 beers, and you keep scoring a piece of paper. Seriously? Yeah, it's really fun. Next call. Hey, fellas. It's Lauren from Cincinnati, A.

And I was just wondering if you guys knew that when I was away from home in California for three months, and I was kind of sad, my roommate would send me care packages, and one of the care packages had a picture that she had taken a lot of time to draw of you, Jesse. And it brightened my day. I hung it on my wall in my sad rental apartment. Have a nice day. How do you like that? Speaking of buttons, how do you like the button on that call? Yeah. Have a nice day. Anyway, I'll see you like the button on that call yeah have a nice day anyway i'll see you in the shower anyway see you when you get home anyway um with regard with regard to her question yes i did know that did she say she drew the picture uh her roommate drew the picture for her to tear her

up right of you of me wow that is just that is That is just, that is, uh, is that cross the line? Now all she needs is a lock of your hair. Yeah. You know what? Here's the. Before her voodoo spells. All she likes to do is make tiny oil paintings of you, Jesse, and then set fires in waste baskets until she becomes like aroused and then she pees.

Is that weird? Nah. No. Um, you are slumping a bit though uh jordan for dr shoals to make a house call the house is your butt you know you know i'm i'm a marginal celebrity jordan you're a marginal television celebrity dan kennedy you're you're a literary celebrity uh. Dan Kennedy, you're a literary celebrity. The only problem is... You're making a face.

You don't feel like you're a literary celebrity. I love my fiancée Teresa very, very much and I'm very happy in my relationship with her. But the only problem is I'm disappointed that because she knew me before I reached some level of success and acclaim. I'm talking about the quarter hundred thousand dollar a year salary. I'm talking, you know, the shit that comes along with having a podcast.

The typhoon, man. Exactly. I'm talking about getting a universal clout straight to your door. Coke party. Exactly. Trying to drink from a fire hose. Coca-Cola party. Exactly.

Coca-Cola party. MyCokeRewards.com. party exactly trying to drink from a fire coke a cola party exactly cola party um so my coke rewards.com i'm just like cashing your points on the one hand i know that i can trust theresa she's not just in it for the celebrity right but on the other hand i don't have a cushion she doesn't like me extra because of my celebrity you see what i'm saying right she only likes me based on my merit which let's be honest is modest at best yeah you see what i'm saying yeah i don't know maybe the celebrity is the reason like that she's sticking around yeah oh that could be that she's going to support me when she graduates from law school but then again i mean it's you know i mean you got a point.

It's not, Jordan has a point. It's not your, you know. You don't know what's going on in that brain of hers. It's not your internet celebrity that's making it hard for you to get from the car to the front door. I mean, it is your internet celebrity. It's not your merit. That's the fact that I really have to pee that's making it hard for me to get from the car to the front door. Maybe she like made a little. Because if I go too fast, I might leak.

Yeah, it hurts. Maybe she just made a little bargain with herself. She's like, you know what? If he hasn't been mentioned on slate.com by 05, I'm out. Yeah. I mean... Each time, she put these barriers in place that she thought was going to give her an easy out.

Right. And each time I just barely managed to when she said that he has to be mentioned in the times of London online at least once by 2009 there it is little did she know

right little did she know if she had just done an overall thing you know if she had figured out some metric for actual success she could have been out of here years ago right you see what i'm saying anyway let's get back to advice speaking about successful we are hey jordan and jesse um let's let's see how to put this. Um, I'm a mouth breather. Um, do you guys have any advice on how to improve my situation? Thank you.

Back. I think he might be fucked. I have some advice. I don't know what to do about the mouth breathing, but there's some things you can do to draw attention away from the mouth breathing. Are you going to do the hat thing? What? Get a colorful hat, like a church lady hat. Yes.

Yes. It's colorful. do the hat thing what get a colorful hat like a church lady hat yes yes colorful i was gonna say don't don't dress like i'm saying no cargo shorts absolutely none um let's say no um i don't want to see any collars popped no no collars popped um you can do the move pop popping your collar yeah right as you might have done that's fine if you were an old sort of way yeah no yeah you can do that like a classic right pop your collar like you were in say if like you were in uh you know drew down or something yeah yeah and uh no sport coat with a big design spray painted on the back yeah good point just stay away from all those things and

people probably won't notice your mouth breathing i'm'm going to ask you to avoid the brand Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy clothing is something I'm going to ask you to avoid. That could be a good one. It's going to be very important. You probably are already avoiding Von Dutch hats, but that's a classic. Sure. Don't go out to the desert to ride dune buggies. Yeah.

Don't go out to the desert to ride dune buggies. Yeah. Don't go out to the desert to ride dune buggies. You're going to want to do that in Hawaii. Sure. Testing out dirt bikes in your cul-de-sac, too, before you go away. Right, yes. Like before you go to Saddleback for the weekend. Don't, don't, again. Okay.

Well, we got some hookups earlier, and someone called in to offer us a hookup over the phone. Hey, Morty. Hey, Shlomo. This is Tony from Los Angeles. You guys were looking for hookups. I'm a professor at a major university, so I can hook you up with education. I can't mail that to you, although I could come to the studios to educate you, or you could come to campus, and I could teach you something. One of the classes I teach is human anatomy, so if you wanted to see dead bodies, I could show you those.

I cannot give those to you because that would be illegal. Thanks. Yes, I want to see it. Jordan. What? I'm asking, I think I was unclear when I did the hookup thing. We're talking about getting things that are of value. What?

Seeing a dead body is awesome. You don't want to do that? I do not want to see a dead body. I want to see the dead body. I'll take it. Mail me the... It's kind of like the donks. It's like, oh, yeah.

Oh, P.S. But in the long run, I can't really come through with one. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, you know what? Don't go throwing it around like, oh, I got a half an attic full of cadavers. Dan, I feel like... Oh, by the way, of cadavers. Dan, I feel like we're –

Oh, by the way, you can't have one. I feel like we're kind of on the same wavelength here. Let's say that somebody that you said – let's say you posted an ad on Craigslist. Have 1988 Nissan Sentra, 175,000 miles. We'll trade for question mark. Right. Let's say somebody sent you an email. I'd like to take you on a trip through your nightmares.

Would that sound good to you? That's what I feel like he's offering me with this showing me dead bodies offer. I also think there's a little bit of a, I mean, I would give that like a hands down, like, you know what? No, thank you. And P.S. You can suck it because you're kind of doing, you're kind of trying to do that like adult thing of like, hey, I've got a neat hookup education. You know what I mean?

Like, hey, guys, I have a neat drug to do at your LSD raves. You know, like when adults try to be cool and try to understand like you know i know y'all like to say tick tock yeah so why not get here's a hookup it's called education i can't mail it you'll have to attend campus to get your prize you know what i mean like i already endured college once you know what i mean i don't want to learn anything about the dead body i just want to look at it here's the thing we could do if we could have control of the dead body fine if we could take it out if we could do pranks with it if oh i will but uh uh on my trip to cabo on on the flight over there on the on the plane one of the dudes from weekend at bernie's oh yeah serious and i was sitting next to him but then a guy asked me if i wanted to move

so he could sit next to uh his wife who's kind of on the other side of the aisle, and I did. But I could have been sitting next to one of the guys from Weekend at Bernie's for like five hours. When did it explode like this for Jordan? When's he rolling in late going like, sorry, man, I was just down in Cabo. I was flying with one of the dudes from Weekend at Bernie's. You know what I mean? It's always been like that for Jordan. He lives a gilded life.

He's like a robber baron. I don't know. It's like all of a sudden, it's like, oh, what's your favorite rental DVD? Oh, yeah, I've flown with that guy. Oh, yeah, I was down at the Cabo Wabo with that guy. What's your favorite movie that's on Comedy Central at 7 in the morning?

Yeah, I hang out with that guy. I know that dude. And you're like, PCU? Well, what about Weekend at Bernie's? Because I've met that guy. Dude, the one with voodoo curses. Are you sure it's not Weekend at Bernie's? It is?

Yeah, I know that guy. What's that you say? Throw Mama from the train? Ghostbusters 2? Well, throw Mama from this. I've met the guy from Weekend at Bernie's. But in all seriousness, this guy is a human anatomy professor. I would be willing to accept his offer if he would be willing to show me what a clitoris is.

That's like a dolphin, but it's longer. Oh, it's got the long nose. I think it's going to be really difficult learning about that on a dead prison inmate yeah like there's gonna be like some weird old drunk man from down by the railroad tracks but he's gonna be slightly more pale and just a little more dead and he's gonna be on a table at a university do you and you're gonna be like show me how to make love dan do you think that this guy is like a professor at the Sorbonne in the 18th century? Well, yeah.

He's a dead prison inmate. And he'll bring it back to life using science, electricity. So when you go down into this dark, damp limestone basement lit by huge filament bulbs and there's a... Class, class, what you see here are the testicles of a royalist come down into the family tomb we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Why not? Let's say you want to go to a movie. Let's say you remember how we were talking earlier on the show about whether we become friends with the guests on the show? Let's say we wanted to become friends with Dan Kennedy, and we were looking for a good activity to do with him, and we were hoping there was a website that could facilitate the whole nine yards. Right.

What website would you recommend? Notmycokerewards.com. No. But Iwanttoseethat.com that's what I would recommend that is absolutely perfect I was thinking Webkinz but I would are we going to the judges?

yes, Iwanttoseethat.com it is a sponsor of Jordan Jesse Go that is also in addition a website where you can go to it, you tell it what movies you want to watch, your friends tell it what movies they want to watch, and then it sets you up on friend dates.

Yeah, Dan, come on. June 13th, me and you, Incredible Hulk, man. Right? I saw that on the site, and I replied. That should be called, I have a feeling that the original title, like the working title for The Incredible Hulk was Edward Norton, The Final Indulgence. Yeah.

Man's got his own editing room for this. Yeah, exactly. That's cool. Now, Jordan, let's just say I didn't want to leave the house. I wanted to stick around and maybe check out some cool webcomics, for example. Yeah, maybe you were at work and can't leave work to go to a movie. Let's say I wanted to hear a mustache podcast. What website do you think I would want to visit for that?

Blueshat.net. Well, I guess. Yeah. No, absolutely. I was trying to find a place to cash in my Dr. Pepper rewards. Yeah. You were looking for do-mocracy.com. Yeah.

You create your own Mountain Dew flavor and then something with a flash game. I guess you're right. Blueshat.net is probably a better way to go. Blueshat.net. You know what I mean? And the worst thing you could possibly do if you were trying to remember the URL is mispronounce it in your head, blueshat.net. Because then you're likely to misremember the URL. It won't stick in your head forever until you find yourself bored and want to type something into the uh the you know the web bar or whatever it's called and you're like

oh remember when jesse made that stupid joke blueshat.net instead of blueshat.net and then you'll won't this won't happen to you likely but then you won't remember it and then just visit it just because hey you know check it out yeah you know know what I mean? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Kennedy, picture frame sticker. You're just naming things you are looking at,

Dan. You guys have had so much time to come up with yours. That's how I came up with my nickname. Look, look, guys. You saw a boy and a detective? Yes. Just as it is a momentous occasion that Dan Kennedy is joining us here on the program, we asked callers to call in when momentous occasions happen to them. Yes. Jesse Thorne, master of the broadcast segue.

Here's a momentous occasion, huh? Hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Will from Chicago. Just had a weird moment on the bus. The guy in front of me sneezed, and just sort of to myself and for no reason, I real sing-song, he went, bless you. And I thought I just did it so only I could hear it, but he said thank you. So now I sang to a guy on the bus.

Bye. A lot of moments of shame happen when you say it so you thought only you could hear it. Or sing it so you thought only you could hear it. We had a lot of really sad, momentous occasions this week that I didn't want to play because I talked to Dane about it. And all we could think of was to make fun of the sadness. And we don't want to do that. No, no. He's a three-way guy.

Yeah, three-way guy hasn't called in at all. It was a guy who got served with divorce papers, which was really sad. He was really sad about it. Heartbreak, heartbreak. And then what about this? Guy who called in, and his whole message was, I'm just lonely. Wow. No, we could make fun of that guy. Almost nothing bad comes of that.

Okay. Now, let's be clear. Dan's theory on this, my theory was based on the fact that this guy had something really rough happen to him. We want to be supportive, and that doesn't necessarily make for exciting radio, but if we did exciting radio, it would be probably making fun of him. We don't want to make fun of him dan's concern was crimes of passion yeah it's his opinion you should avoid doing things that could potentially incite crimes of passion yeah so it was a personal

safety issue for dan that's my my blanket template for risk assessment any risk i take personally in this life i go could this make you the victim of a crime of passion? And if the answer is yes, I don't take that risk. And in this case, I thought, I could picture it. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, did you hear about some podcast guys and then another guy who was, I guess, just there or something. And then anyway, they were all shot. This happened in LA, you know, and you'd be like, and the person would be like yeah like some guy had gotten divorced and they did they'd like a radio show about his divorce or something and he got mad no reason for no reason they were just like let's make a radio show about this guy's divorce so he it's weird that it's weird that they got murdered him like

in the trial right they're like it's strange that they got murdered because they were wearing their puffy jacket and their old football helmet. Three guys. Yeah, that's crazy. So in other words, the only phone number around called the Donk Farm. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. My name is John. I'm calling from the suburbs of Chicago.

And I have a bit of a momentous occasion. Perhaps most wouldn't consider it that. But I was driving on my way to work this morning. And all of a sudden I saw this tall bird. And it snatched this little bird and then took off with it. Which is something that I've always wanted to see in the suburbs. A hawk grab a pigeon because I've heard that in Chicago. That's why they're in Chicago.

So maybe not a momentous occasion for anybody else, but for me, wonderful. Anyone for whom that isn't a momentous occasion is either an ornithologist who's just grown jaded by the ornithology business or a dipshit. That's cool. That's amazing. That's pretty huge. That's Mother Nature at work.

That's love. Now, if you saw her crew... You can't say that's love. that's mother nature at work that's love you can't say that's love no it's a hot killing a pigeon okay this is Lauren from Georgia and I'm driving on a road trip and I'm in the south

and I look over and there's a building with a sign that says goats on a roof and it's what you would expect it's a building with a sign that says goats on a roof. And it's what you would expect. It's a bunch of goats on a roof with a bunch of little miniature roofs on this roof. Little bridges, things to climb on, sticks and poles. And goats, lots of goats. I don't know if it's like a restaurant or if this is just a feature in and of itself. It looks newish, so it's maybe a new attraction for this little

town. But goats on a roof, thought you'd like it. And speaking of, as I go to call you guys, I look over, a little bit of a traffic jam, and there's a truck full of tiny, tiny little pigs. So goats on a roof and a truck full of tiny piglets. Wow. You know what? Here's the thing. When we go for these momentous occasions, what we're really looking for, Dan, I know you're a writer. I don't know if you've ever worked in journalism.

But have you ever heard of the maxim that runs on the front paper of the newspaper is the man bites dog story. You'd expect a dog to bite a man. Ones on the front paper of the newspaper is the man bites dog story. Right. You'd expect a dog to bite a man. Yes. But you wouldn't expect a man to bite a dog. No. This is a real dog bites man story. If you're in the South, you're going to see goats on a roof.

Yeah. It's just the way that kind of thing works. I mean, the way that played to me is she was, I mean, I still don't quite understand. She was just simply driving and she drove by a goat's on the roof, but she didn't pull over. She just drove by a goat's on the roof. As far as I can tell, what she was doing is calling us and, you know, I'm not in the youth generation. You know, I don't live. You've got a foot in livestock, though.

I don't live in a Lawrence, Kansas, you know, Miss't i don't you've got you've got a foot in livestock though i don't live i don't live in a lawrence kansas uh you know uh missoula montana type of area uh you know i'm i'm way out here on the coast so i don't catch on to things as quickly as but i think what was going on a long time to get out here i think what was going on there is that she was making fun of us she was her joke was right these these Los Angeles yokels have never heard of goats on a roof. Would think it was so amazing that there were some goats on a roof. We're on to it.

We're not as stupid as we look. We've got PlayStation 2, sweetheart. Yeah, and P.S. Lauren, I think was your name. Oh, guess what? I look over and saw a truck of mini piglets. Really? Jesse's having donks at his wedding.

Yeah, bingo, bango, calabango. McAllister, Jonathan, I'm calling with a momentous occasion. This is Rebecca from Boston, and I had my very first Craigslist Casual Connections hookup. And also, it's a double whammy momentous occasion. I've always been with women, and it was my first hookup with a boy, and it was just as bad as every Craigslist horror story you would think of, but I'm glad I did it because now I have a really great story to tell my friends, and that's my momentous occasion.

Bye. And a podcast. You have a great story to tell the podcast. What the fuck? Call back now now tell us the whole thing exactly boo exactly that was just cruel what the fuck all that was was mean to three men in a room that's going to to be A, funny, and B, maybe sexy. Sensual. At least sensual. At least titillating.

I know I'm rubbing my arms on my boobers right now. You know what's really offensive? As you can tell, she just made the call on a commute. She's like, oh, hey, you guys. Here's a momentous occasion. I usually hook up with tons of chicks off Craigslist and do all kinds of crazy crazy sexual stuff with them and i'm really hot but the other night i hooked up with a guy from craigslist anyway it's weird bye it was like oh wow thanks

for just like that nanosecond of a glimpse and what was that man's name she said at the first yeah that's another thing I wonder. That's a mystery of the call. This is a suitcase to be unpacked. Oh, boy. Okay, well, listen. You guys, there have been certain momentous occasions in the history of momentous occasions that have been more momentous than even the other momentous occasions. more momentous than even the other momentous occasions.

I'm talking about the young woman who called when she was locked on the roof by the children she was babysitting. With a bunch of goats. Exactly. This kind of stuff is the reason we have momentous occasions as a regular feature on the program. I believe, it is my belief, that this call is one such occasion. Wait, Jesse, are you saying New Classic? This is a New Classic.

I don't know. Okay, all right. This is like the bridges of Madison County. This is like Back to the Future 2. Okay, here we go. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jordan. This is Charlie. I'm on vacation.

I'm going to go on a big boy party. Because I'm a big boy bye that man talks like an infant oh Charlie way to go Charlie you're the greatest great moment that was bizarre

that was fantastic Charlie good for you congratulations buddy so why are you listening to this yeah you should probably don't listen to this anymore but good work great work have a have a uh have a juice have a juiceregard everything we said about sex toys and marijuana. We did say a few things about those. We recommended drug cigarettes. That's the show that comes on after Sesame Street. You're too young for it now, Charlie. Wow.

Did you guys call a podcast the first time you used the big boy potty? Podcasts weren't invented. That's a traditional rite of passage two years ago hey you didn't grow up in the inner city dan yeah i did just what we did yeah you know it's like it's like getting your getting your car horn retrofitted so it goes instead of just it's like getting your ride donked. Exactly. It's like donking your ride.

It's a rite of passage. Donk my ride. You got it exactly. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective Jordan yes once a year I turn to the listening public the people who every day enjoy a new Jordan Jesse Goh program presuming they're trying to catch up on back episodes and they have a lot of free time or they're re-listening to episodes they've already heard.

Which most people do, do. Why wouldn't you? It's not far-fetched to suggest that someone would re-listen because every joke works on multiple levels, Jordan. For example, I'll just throw out an example for you. Donk. It's both a joke about a miniature donkey and about a type of motor vehicle.

So there you go. You see what I'm saying? Two jokes. Jordan, Jesse, Go, and all of MaximumFun.org are supported by your donations. Less than 2% of MaximumFun.org listeners donate to support the show, which is a sad statistic that I would love to rectify with this donor drive. And so far, Jordan, I've thrown out the call on the message board on the blog, and the results have been really great.

And I really feel confident, like people are really stepping up to the plate. So I'm throwing it out to Jordan Jesse Go listeners. If you want sweet prizes, if you want that feeling in your heart you can only get when you remember that you're actually supporting something that you like rather than just freeloading, if you really want a cool maximum fun drive only T-shirt,

if you really want to be thanked in public on the message board, let's just say you register for the message board right now and you don't have the little rocket ship that signifies that you're a donor and you really want that rocket ship. You can get it. There's a lot of reasons to give, and all you have to do to satisfy all of those reasons is open your pocketbook a little bit.

So MaximumFun.org, click on Donate. Every new donor during this two-week period here, every single new donor, our consortium of super fans will be donating $37.70 jog-a-thon style to support and challenge you to step up to the plate. Maximumfund.org and click on Donate.

That's pretty good, right? That'll do it. And guess what, Jordan? What? I'm also buying the rainforest. Every time you donate, I will buy the rainforest and protect it from... Poachers.

From the African elephant, the endangered African elephant who has been threatening the rainforest. With its dung and rowdiness. You got it, Ace. You got it. Not to mention ivory. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. You've seen Planet of the Mist with diane fossy i have starring for diane fossy and coco the gorilla yeah you've seen that movie correct you understand the threat that uh ivory uh poses to our rainforest hey and if we listen to algor by extension our very existence yeah ethanol too yeah maybe you want to talk to king corn about that one yeah the corn industry farm subsidies yeah you know what i'm talking about corn who killed the electric car that's the question i'm asking right now jordan yeah anyway ghosts of abu

grabe you got what about those in conclusion the true anti-war candidate is Dr. Ron Paul. And I'm out! It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Dan Kennedy mixing board stapler. Nice. I just went with what I saw. You're just saying things that you see? That's how everything gets sort of inspired.

Wait, I have a stapler? I've been looking for a stapler. Sorry, I've got to do it again. Dan Kennedy mixing board flash drive. Oh, okay. That'll do it. Yeah, you don't want to... In a holder.

You want to create some fantasy stapler that Jesse can't actually get his hands on. That thing's a flash drive. It took me... In a holder. Seriously, I tried to staple with that thing for 20 minutes straight last week. Well, that's the fault of the designer because they've made it look really like a stapler

or a staple remover. Yeah, exactly. I would imagine not a huge seller. Full of data. A couple weeks ago on this show, Dan, just for your edification, I had attempted to install my own car stereo and failed miserably. And we threw it out there to the audience. What have you tried to do that you have failed at miserably? What has humbled you by your failure? Now, update to the story. I'm the king of car stereo installation

because I have successfully installed the car stereo, including removing and replacing the full door panels on my 1992 Infiniti M30 convertible. You know what? I'm almost sensing this was a plant from the get-go.

No, I was a broken man. When we recorded this show... Yeah, he wanted it to be like a rocky situation. Yeah, like A, a rocky situation, but also B, like, oh, I failed miserably doing my stereo thing. Everyone call in from around the country and tell me things you failed at. And then they're like, oh, I failed at this,

I failed at that. And then Jesse's like, oh, really? Update, I rock at car stereo installing. By the way, I've never failed. Oh, yes, you know what? That's never happened to me. And you're car stereo installing. By the way, I've never failed. Yeah. Oh, yes. You know what? That's never happened to me. And you're all jerks.

Yeah. Sorry I'm such a success, guys. Well. Blame us for being a little bit bitter. Yeah, we're failures. Sorry we can't all be the king of something. Yeah. I'm the king of nothing.

I'm not even the king of that. Jerry Seinfeld's the king of that from his show Seinfeld, the show about nothing. There you go. Matthew Perry is the king of the jerry seinfeld's the king of that from his show seinfeld the show about nothing there you go manny perry is the king of the zinger hey jordan and jesse i'm aaron um i'm still a high school senior so i haven't seen a tremendous amount of failure or maybe I have. But I think the biggest failure I've experienced is a friend and I set out to construct a musical about the notary business. We don't even need to listen to the rest of that. Just pause that. Done. The end. Just pause that. Done.

The end. That's great. Keep trying. Him mentioning that he was only in high school and thus had not seen a lot of failure reminded me of the fact that, well, I mean, basically my childhood years were a long string of failures. childhood years were a long string of failures, but one of my most significant failures was I failed middle school and I was socially promoted out of middle school. Wow. There you go. That's kind of a success.

Making people feel sorry for you. It's a skill you've learned. Socially promoted. What's that mean? It means you're too big to stay behind basically they're afraid you might hurt one of the other kids yeah exactly yeah well once again though i have to say like not not not to be too bitter in your shadow jesse but once again it's like oh your failure is laced with like super positive terms like like socially promoted.

Too big. King of car stereo. Yeah. Bigger than the other children. Why is it? Somehow Jordan started narrating a Hillary Clinton commercial in a blue-collar state. Barack Obama says he's the king of car stereo installation, but he's not even good at bowling.

Hillary Clinton knows how you feel in the Rust Belt. Even his failures sound huge. Hillary Clinton went to Wellesley. Did she go to Wellesley? Is that what she went to? I think she went to something like Wellesley. Did she go to Wellesley? Is that what she went to? I think she went to something like Wellesley. Did she? She knows what it's like to work down at the plant. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. This is Walter in Hawthorne Heights. I am calling in with a disastrous failure that I've experienced. This happened on April 1st of last year. Now, I want to interject here to say, Walter is a slow and quiet talker, but this failure is so spectacular that I felt we should play it anyway.

Normally, I ask people to speak with alacrity. In this case, I made an exception. If you don't, call voiceover king Billy West to come in. Yeah this case, I made an exception. And if you don't, call Voice Over King Billy West to come in and say your call. And he does a whole pile of different voices

and stuff. Basically, me and my friends were just hanging out and we decided that maybe we'd try to make some sort of shopping cart

soapbox racer. So we went searching for a shopping cart, and we brainstormed ideas on how to steer this thing, but eventually we came to the conclusion that we didn't have the know-how to build a car that would steer. So we decided maybe we'll just take it down a hill. So we went to this hill over at Howard Middle School, and we take it to the top of the hill.

It's about maybe a pretty, it's like a 45-degree angle downwards. And it's about 20 feet high. And we decided to let it go on a test run with no one in it. And so we pushed the cart down the hill. And once it hit the bottom of the hill, it basically did a flip. Well, this was kind of discouraging, but I said, fuck it, let's just see what happens. So I grabbed my old football helmet, put it on my head. Oh, no.

I put on a big puffy jacket to keep myself from getting scraped up too bad. And my friends pushed me down the hill. As I started rolling down the hill i realized this was probably a pretty bad idea but it was too late for that now because once i hit the bottom of the hill the cart flew forward shot me out i landed on my head did a full flip in the hair air bending my body backwards and eventually i landed on the ground, sat up and said, fuck, my teeth. And what happened was my two front teeth were knocked out and I had to talk to the list for the next couple of days and I had a concussion from that day too. So that was pretty bad.

I think that'd be probably one of the most disastrous failures of my life. And when I got home, I told my parents that I had knocked out my teeth. They did not believe me at first because it was April 1st, also known as April Fool's. And when I called my friends to tell them what happened, none of them actually believed me. So you see that. You made that one. All right, well, that's my disastrous failure of a lifetime. All right, thanks. Bye.

Oh, my God. So do you guys now understand what it means to be socially promoted out of middle school? Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, how many more red lights on the dashboard did this guy want he's like yeah we test rode it and it couldn't steer yeah so we tried anyway

i am not doing this unless we have a test run yeah great now that we've had that unsuccessful test run it's time to rock and also like maybe the we've also, like, maybe the first... We've been assured of failure. Maybe the first omen was, like, I want to make some kind of downhill racer. Yeah, shopping cart. Right. You know what I mean? Like, those are sort of known for their accuracy and stealth. Sure. You know what I mean?

Like, we need something that's going to be precision and really stick to track. Oh, shopping cart. Yeah. Let's get that. Okay, so that's our chassis. Yeah. And then they have, like, 11 instances where they're like we tried to push it but it caught on fire so what that old woman was on the side of the road saying

evil evil and pointing at the shopping cart evil the front of it started to bleed it was a shopping cart from a razor store and we forgot to empty it out we got to empty it out. We dug it up from an Indian burial ground. I wrapped my eyes in flypaper so I wouldn't get wounded if we did crash. At the bottom of the hill was a series of Viet Cong booby traps. I'm going to say this guy, this is a spectacular success

given what this guy did. Yeah, him not dying. It's amazing. I love, I just, I don't even know where to start. When was game day for that decision to start with hey you guys yeah i got an idea uh what we get pizza no we make a downhill racer a what downhill racer he made a really different mistake but in some ways very similar to the mistake that a lot of high school students make, which is, hey, let's go do something out back of our old middle school.

Oh, yeah. Most high school students would try drug cigarettes. In his case, he tried- Outer course. Extreme foolishness. Outer course. Yeah, probably some outer course. He tried extreme foolishness. Probably some outer course. He tried extreme foolishness. And instead of doing a drug cigarette, which I would at this point endorse.

It would be medicinal. It'll mellow you out a little bit. Almost safer choice. I don't know. I love the fact. I thought the story was going to max out at like, because I've done a lot of bad sort of ghost riding where you're like, let's set this bike on fire. You've ghost rided a lot of whips. I mean, you know because i've done a lot of bad sort of ghost riding you know where you're like let's set this bike on fire you've ghost ridden a lot of whips i mean you know and but

what's up with getting in it like after you after you see the spectacular failure and trajectory of this disaster you're like okay go get me my football helmet and my ski jacket big puffy jacket i'm ready to go i love the fact too that i mean i love this don't worry the kid had a plan i gotta say the kids after my own heart because i've clearly made a lot of mistakes but i just want to say the fact that he had a costume that sort of suitably warned anybody in his path like you know what i mean it's like i'm just gonna put on a puffy jacket and an old football helmet like That sort of screams like I'm a danger to myself and others. Please get away from the area.

That guy is probably, now that this has happened to him, he's probably wearing a puffy jacket and football helmet right now, waiting for the bus, for example. In fact, that's probably where those people who are wearing a puffy jacket in the middle of the summer and a football helmet or a beanie propeller hat, something like that. Only one shoe. He's going to his job at Carl's Jr. Yep.

It's true. And I saw one of those guys on the way over here on Wilshire standing at the bus stop in a puffy jacket and an old football helmet going, no, no one would believe me. It was April Fool's. Yeah, exactly. It's like just so there are enough warning signs kids there are enough cautionary tales out there on the street yet you do it you get the shopping carts anyway it's not his fault it's a chemical imbalance in the brain he's also a victim of the media yeah which we haven't exactly factored in i want to make this

basically jordan i mean basically Jordan I started this show because I wanted to hang out with my pal Jordan because I wanted to make a more personal kind of program a show where I could share a little bit of myself but most of all I wanted to start this show as kind of an

analog, a radio analog to the I embarrassed myself in front of my crush section of Seventeen magazine. So what I would like to do is we've taken this failure theme. I just want to push it open, widen it out a little bit. This is sort of like a sweeps week type of thing. You see what I'm saying? You know, in sweeps week, they bring Ted Danson onto the show. They bring Mary Tyler Moore onto the show. Whatever it is, the expressionless death mask of Mary Tyler Moore. In our case, our Sweepstunt is going to be this action item right here. Moments of shame.

uh moments of shame when were you most shamed in your life i we haven't done this on the show before i've been saving it for a special occasion and this is such an occasion dan's anything jumped to mind immediately for me no no i can't i never had any shame put on the spot it's sort of like sort of like what's your favorite band you know what i mean yeah yeah it's kind of lock up right away there's just a lot of choices because you're an expert on the subject depending on what that's what you mean it's mostly that it's mostly like well do we talk about becoming aroused in various small world outfits do we talk about the chafing that resulted in that resulted from the various native costumes after arousal um you know i don't i know there was a donk situation

if you're gonna bring out this topic there's gonna be some donkage there's gonna donks are gonna appear in whatever calls come in did you know that a Donk is also like a large American sedan car from the 1980s and 1990s, like a Ford LTD or a Chevy Caprice or something like that, like a big, giant four-door car that they put on risers like you would an off-roading truck, you know what I'm saying, Like a high suspended with giant wheels, like a Mark Curry-sized wheels, or even bigger, and you candy paint it.

That is also called a donk. No, it's not. That led to a lot of confusion for me. What are the children going to pet at the wedding? Exactly. A huge sedan with a lift kit? Or a small animal? What are we going to feed?

Both are donks right only one is adorable you know it'd be nuts as if you made donk a motif for the wedding and the taco van was a donk that would be nice that's a good idea i mean you just we would barbecue the donker no you you know the tacos are served out of the vehicle donk yes oh don Don't eat little donkeys at your wedding. I thought you were suggesting that I feed the tacos to the donk and then collect the donkeys' leavings.

No. We're not encouraging you to eat shit. As one would think I was trying to suggest. I can see how that would be the first thing you'd jump to. After you just described the sedan version of Donk to me. Do you think creating a Donk is called Donking a vehicle? Yeah.

Donk my ride. Donk my ride. So do you think maybe we could bring... Donk my Donk. Is there such a thing as a Hooptie Donk? Do you think we could bring in a Donking crew to donk the taco truck yes while they're cooking in there yes for the last time that's what i'm suggesting just you know about rap music what's a good rap celebrity to to donk something a good rap celebrity to don't it can't

be exhibit because he pimps stuff yeah right right donk something who can donk something. Who would donk something? Well, donking is sort of a southern thing. Bun B. Yeah, no, but I would say probably Bun B. If you were looking for somebody who was very eloquent, Bun B is a very eloquent guy. Or maybe a young Jeezy. You might go with Jeezy. You might go with Lil' Weeziana. Weezy F Baby. It's sort of a southern thing.

You see what I'm saying? That's why you might want to go with Lil' Weeziana. Weezy F Baby. That's sort of a match. Baby. The Birdman. go with Louisiana, Louisiana baby. That's sort of a match. You know, baby, the bird man, you know. Did I ever tell you guys about the time that my mom found out that my cousin liked rap music and she was supposed to get him a graduation present or something. So she emailed my aunt to find out what kind of rap music she liked my aunt emailed back in in all caps you know in very ant type email text he likes baby aka

number one stunner that is one sweet piece of email put that in your donk and smoke it boys shove that up your donk hole how about this for a catchphrase what big donk just a huge sedan that's been donked yeah just a huge sedan serving tacos out of the bag we didn't get to that sooner. I demand that some listeners post some pictures of both kinds of donks in the thread for this show on the message board. And that will come through. It'll come through.

Our listeners will come through. They know what's important. Let's see some donks. Let's see some donks. I'm talking. And you know what? Get your donks out. Get your donks out.

Bring the donks. Throw in some minis, too. Yeah. Donks and minis. Mini horses, mini coopers. Somebody buy donksandminis.net. Bring the donks. Throw in some minis, too. Yeah. Donks and minis. Mini horses, mini Coopers. Somebody buy donksandminis.net. Throw in Winnie. Please.

How about Winnie Cooper? Some pictures of Winnie Cooper. Winnie Bagos. Yeah, Winnie Bagos. And a winning bagel. Good night. Standing ovation. We don't have the audience mic'd right now, but there is a standing ovation we don't have the audience

mic'd right now but there is a standing ovation in the auditorium when we say that was deafening that wall of laughter the panties are eclipsing the sun like a plague of locusts we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Kennedy, nickname, nickname. This is... I like that. I thought that was the best one yet. I think this is a double show. Yeah. nickname nickname. This is I like that. That was the best one yet. I think this is a double show. Number one. Double disc. Which is perfect since it is sweeps week

aka pledge drive time. Maximum Fun Drive 2 is on right now. Visit our website and donate MaximumFun.org. Just click on donate. You can donate a little money or a lot of money. We would prefer the latter but we're more than happy to accept the former um action item on this week's program moments of shame this one has been in my quiver this arrow has been in my quiver for a long time it's like the

one of the crazy arrows that kevin costner shot in robin hood the Man of Thieves. Men and Thieves. Men and Thieves, there you go. You know, Robin Hood, Men and Thieves starring Errol Costner. Yeah, absolutely. Moments of shame. What was the time in your life that you were most shamed, most mortified, most embarrassed? Was it in front of your parents, in front of your whole school, in front of your crush?

You see what I'm saying? 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call. That number again, 206-984-4FUN. You can also email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of Light in the Attic Records. We thank them for that. Dan Kennedy's most recent book is called Rock On, an Office Power Ballad.

Both Jordan and I have read it and recommend it highly. Right, Jordan? You read it on the airplane. I destroyed it on one plane trip. It was really good. It's really funny. If you are at that point, I think we've had a lot of calls about blossoming adulthood. We've had a lot of calls about people getting

first big job. Like that guy who called in and offered to help us find the clitoris. Sure. With a cadaver. Yeah. Yeah. I think the book really captured that period of life really, really well. It's good. If you're in that zone, you'll find something in it. So there you go. Yeah, exactly. And most of all, it's Maximum Fun Drive. So visit MaximumFun.org and click on Donate.

We'll see you next time on Jordan Jesse Go.