Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 620: Live from SF Sketchfest with Tony Hale, Glynn Washington, Pete Fields, and Nnekay Fitzclarke

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

Live from SF Sketchfest 2020 at the Punch Line comedy club in San Francisco, Jordan and Jesse are joined on stage by Tony Hale and Glynn Washington with music from Pete Fields and a special guest appearance by Nnekay Fitzclarke! Go see Tony perform in Wakey, Wakey at the American Conservatory Theater in San Francisco -- Jan 23 - Feb 16!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hot off the presses, Jordan. We just got back from... Oh, don't touch the presses. Don't touch the...

Don't put your... Don't put that on there. You're gonna get... You're gonna get scalded. Don't touch the... Don't put your... Don't put that on there. No. You're going to get scalded. I thought the hot presses was being as good as hot cakes. No. Boy, was I wrong. Yeah.

I feel like a real jerk. Yeah. We're just back from the city by the bay. Yeah. Where we recorded a whiz bang. Mm-hmm. Balls to the wall, summer slam jam.

Right. A real rage in the cage. At the Punchline Comedy Club right there in San Francisco, right there in front of that mural of San Francisco that our friend Nato Green worked so hard to save. And Dave Chappelle also helped. Dave Chappelle helped. You know what? I bet that when Dave Chappelle and Nato Green

and all those San Francisco comedians were fighting to save the Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco this past summer, they were looking forward to January's SF Sketch Fest and thinking, if this place closes, because Google bought the property, if this place closes, because Google bought the property, if this place closes, then where will Jordan and Jesse play?

Sure. They'll have to move their... The Swedish American Hall? Yeah, exactly. Which would probably be a cool venue, too. What are they going to do, piano fight? Yeah. What are these guys going to play at the Marsh?

Yeah. Some other venues. It turns out there was a lot of places we could have played. Yeah. Yeah. What are these guys going to play at the Marsh? Yeah. There's some other venues. It turns out there was a lot of places we could have played. Yeah. Yeah. But it's good that the comedy club's still around. Ideally, we'd have played Bill Graham's Civic Auditorium. That would be nice.

Go in the step in the footsteps of the Jefferson Airplane. What about the Cow Palace? Our heroes. Oh, I'd love to play at the Cow Palace. If I ever told you, you know, I used to have ESL students stay at my house, kind of helped make the rent, you know, live-in ESL students, and they were often Swiss. And one guy sat down at dinner, he said, I had a great day today at the Koo Palace. Hey. Yeah.

Took us a long time to figure that one out. Took us a long time. Anyway. Yeah, we could fill the Cow Palace, right? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I think so too. I mean, it depends on, you know, it depends on whether it's market day

or not. Right, sure. You know. I don't remember what kind of Holsteins we have. Okay, so number one, we've got on this program Aneke Fitzclark. Yeah. From Minority Corner, our sister podcast here at MaximumFun.org. We've got Pete Fields. Right. SingerFun.org. We've got Pete Fields.

Right. Singer-songwriter. We've got Glenn Washington from Snap Judgment. We sure do. WNYC. Mm-hmm. Tony Hale. Forky from Fork Story.

Mm-hmm. This lineup is so jam-packed, it's almost obscene. Then, of course, we have a lot of obscenity. Yeah. That's the cherry on top of this delicious banana split of entertainment. Let's go to the stage of the punchline. It's here. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big show for us. Our moms are here. Moms, moms, moms, moms, moms. Nobody say fuck, okay? Mom's gonna be pissed. Take away the car.

How you doing, buddy? I just got off a seven-hour flight from Boston. Oh, boy. At one point they were like, just so you know, we're going to be traveling through Canada part of this trip and the internet won't be

working. Through Canada? For tax reasons or something? Why is this a seven-hour flight? Is Canada experiencing some sort of apocalypse we don't know about? Why don't they have internet? I don't know what's going on on the JetBlue Boston to San Francisco route, Jordan. I can't tell you.

Right. Couldn't tell you. Did you get some chips, though? Oh, fuck, did I ever. Plus those chocolate chip cookies, you can take as many as you want. Oh, well, I asked about the chips. Were you not listening to me? Are you just going to say whatever you want to

this whole time? I ate chips, too. I said, yeah, and plus chocolate chip cookies, and you can take as many as you want, Jordan. And I had a nice salad with some quinoa at the bottom. I think there's a great energy up here tonight. This show is gonna be hot, despite the fact

that we can't say fuck. Usually we prepare a little top of the show bit. Usually goes five out of 10 good. It perplexes

as much as it entertains. But we decided to scrap it because I just want to talk about the movie Cats, Please. I have cleared it with the Punchline Comedy Club staff. We will all be here

for four hours. Brian has slides. There are graphs. Jordan, did you see the movie Cats? Yes! And I am born anew. Yes, so, you know, I... You know, it brings together two things I like,

which is I like... Cats and railways? Well, cats and earnest fiascos. I will... I love a well-meaning fiasco. I will say that, you know, I'm like, well, even if this is terrible, which I hear it is, at least, you know, it's about cats, which I really like, so I'll enjoy seeing cats. But here's what I think is that no one involved with the movie had ever seen a cat before. They had a cat

described to them by a child on quaaludes and the description made them horny and they made a movie accordingly

I haven't seen the movie Cats Jordan but I know for a fact from watching online featurettes that the cast of Cats went to cat school

to learn how to cat around. Well, whoever taught the school did a bad job. At some point, at some point, oh gosh, the celebrated actor whose

only role I can remember is Magneto. What's his name? Ian McKellen. Thank you. Several people were like, sir, Ian McKellen. Sir Ian McKellen. Mr. Patrick Stewart, right? Sir Patrick Stewart.

He was knighted. So Magneto's there. Yeah. And at some point he just he seems to just be improvising he's walking from one thing to another and he's like meow meow meow

and it's that's the most cat like thing that happens in this movie meow meow meow Do you think he had like a conversation with his agent where he was like listen I'm willing to perform in Cats but I must be allowed to improvise. I've already written a line.

And he rolls out a giant scroll. Just says, meow, meow, meow. So Cats does not make sense, but after Ian McKellen showed up, I'm like, I'm just going to imagine this is an X-Men movie and the plot is something went wrong with the danger room. Now this makes sense.

When we went into Cats, you know, the theater's maybe like an eighth full. This is not a hot film. But so, you know, there's a lot of space in the theater, and there was a person behind us, there alone,

dressed as Pikachu. Now, this was concerning. They were probably there not to see cats, but to see detective cats. Now, I would say, like, a group... They were probably there not to see cats, but to see detective cats. Right, yes. This was, like, and I was thinking, a group of people dressed as Pokemon would not be that weird, but a lone person

there. They are not there because they like musical theater. They are there because they think the movie is sending them messages. No! I think they just came straight from the gym. I felt like this would be if I went to see Joker and there was just a guy with a ponytail and a leather vest sitting behind me.

I would go, oh, this guy's here for a bad reason. So Cats... Was it... I'm sure everyone here has seen the trailers, right? Everyone's seen the Cats trailers. Very, very distressing. How many people here have actually gone to see the movie? A few.

A few. Just a few. Just a couple I'm seeing. I haven't actually seen the movie. Is the movie as bananas as the trailers would suggest? Yeah. So, you know, the movie's... Normally I go see anything James Corden.

You're there for Peter Rabbit. You're there for the Emoji movie. I'm there for all other movies for some reason. There is a scene where the James Corden cat deep throats a shrimp. And until that part of my brain can be removed, I can never have sex again. of my brain can be removed, I can never have sex again. Wait, does the shrimp come back out?

Does the skeleton of the shrimp, the exoskeleton, I guess, come out Heathcliff style? No, I don't think you see what happens to the shrimp. It cuts away. Okay, yeah, well. It's rated PG-1313 you can't show the money shot right yeah there's a director's yes there's a director's cut where he looks at and says shrimp

in my eye i don't know or whatever or whatever uh that so it started out kind of the and you know it starts and then everyone's you know people are kind of like snickering and like maybe talking softly and like kind of goofing around with the people they're there with. But by the end of the movie, people are just standing up and just full volume at the screen going, why? Why?

Why is anything? Why is it happening? Who's that? Who's that? Why? Just screaming questions at a movie at a god who may or may not be listening. I don't know that much about cats,

the stage show, but my understanding is, isn't it just a long line of cats introducing themselves? Yeah, and some of them come back and some of them don't and some of them mouth fuck a shrimp. Yes, it is so, it is so, maybe we should do this. and some of them don't and some of them mouth fuck a shrimp. Yes.

It is so, it is so, maybe we should do this. Should we just come out, introduce ourselves and then leave? Is that? Yeah, I'd love to.

Is that the new kind of performance? I'd love to. That's angelical, Jordan Jessica. Right. So, okay, so you know a little bit

of the terminology, it sounds like. A little tiny bit, but I've never seen, I mean, did you, have you ever seen the stage version of Cats? Yeah, so I, okay. Any Starlight Express fans in the house?

Wow, huge pop for the musical about living trains. Wow. Yeah, so yeah, so we, I went to see it as a kid i was taken to see it um so yeah so i had kind of nice memories of it but you've watched the featurettes it sounds like yeah how do you feel about taking a cat's mini quiz you mean jordan's cat's mini quiz for jesse that's right thank you for preparing that slide so quickly. Okay. So I think maybe something people know is that the cats all have very funny names. So I wanted to read you four names, and you should tell me which one of these is actually a name of a cat in Cats. Okay?

I have a question. Yes. If I get all these questions right, does that mean that I surpass past Jordan Jesse Go guest Ken Jennings as the greatest of all time? Yes. If you get this one multiple choice question right, you are Jeopardy Goat. That's what he's

most known for, past Jordan Jesse Go guest Ken Jennings. Ken Jennings from that one live episode of Jordan Jesse Go in Seattle? Sure. Okay, so I'm going to read you four names you're going to tell me Sure. Okay, so I'm going to read you four names. You're going to tell me. He's nice. I'm going to read you four names. You're going to tell me which of these is the name of a cat in Cats.

Okay, are you ready? Yeah. And don't tip him off. Audience. Okay, first name. Don't tip him off like when they knew that the most famous song from Cats was in Cats after you side-eyed me? Yeah.

A guy who just saw the movie Cats? Yeah. I should have known. That's my fault. Okay, here's the names. First name. Rimbly Timbly Typhoid, the teapot cat of Exegol. Okay.

One of these is real? Tell me which one is real. Okay. Rimbly Timbly Typhoid. I'll read them Okay. Rimbly, Timbly, Typhoid. I'll read them again. Rimbly, Timbly, Typhoid. The teapot cat of Exeter? Exegol.

Exegol. Name two. Okay. Dexter Jetster. Dexter Jetster? Dexter Jetster. Okay. Sir Balthazar...

Sir Balthazar Fergan. Sir Balthazargestan, Duke of Fudge Whipper, Rascal of Mustafar, Most Honorable Nip-Napper. Okay. Let me know if you want me to reread anything. Can you... Jordan, I missed that last one. Could you reread it for me? Yeah, sure.

Happy to do it. Sir Balthazar Fudgestan, Duke of Fudgeweaver. I just have to take a bathroom break. Rascal of Mustafar, Most Honorable Nip-Napper. Okay. Thank you. Most Honorable Nip-Napper. Most Honorable Nip-Napper.

Not a Dishonorable Nip-Napper. Timothy Chalamet. Let me know if you want me to reread any of those. Okay, so the first one was... Rimbly Timbly Typhoid, the teapot cat of Exegol. Okay, of Exegol. And the second one was... Dexter Jetster.

And the third one? Sir Balthazar Fudgestand, Duke of Fudge Whipper, Rascal of Mustafar, Most Honorable Nip-Napper. And then what was that fourth one? Timothee Chalamet. Okay. Okay, so I saw, I didn't see cats, but I did see little women.

And I did not stay for the credits, but I think Dexter Jetster played the love interest in that. Yes. I'm going to say that the real one is... What was the first one again? Rimbly Timbly Typhoid, the teapot cat of Exegol. And the third one? Sir Belt, this is a great use of time. bot cat of Exegol. And the third one? Sir Balthazar.

This is a great use of time. I'm saying that earnestly. I'm enjoying this. Sir Balthazar Fudgestan, Duke of Fudge Whipper, Rascal of Mustafar, Most Honorable Nip Napper. Okay, I'm going to say

the first one is the real one. Okay, so none of them were real. And now you know how confused and angry I was while I was watching Cats. Now I've been able to simulate the confusion of watching Cats. Did someone boo me?

You're right to. It was not very jellicle. No, you're right. Not very jellicle at all. Well, thank you for that quiz. Thanks for that background on the film Cats. No problem. Happy to help.

Any of the cats make you horny at all? Yeah. Yeah. Most. Most cats. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow. But, okay, so actually we've got a lot of fun surprises in store for this SF Sketch Fest audience. A lot of really cool stuff. And I think you wanted to maybe offer people some guidance, right? Yeah, it's a pretty fucked up world out there. I don't know if you guys have been out there. I don't know if you guys follow the news, but some of these people are troublesome.

Yeah. To say the least. And I feel like there's probably a lot of young people in the audience who could use some guidance. We've been doing this show for 12 years. And for 12 years, we've been doing this segment to modest deprivation. Tolerance, I would say, from our audience. A segment called

Hang It Up, Keep It Up. Hang It Up, Keep It Up. In these dark times, a moral compass is necessary. That's why we're here with Jesse Thorne to tell us what can hang it up and what can keep it up. First off, hang it up. what can keep it up. First off, hang it up.

Hang it up. Hang it up. Itchy foot. Hey, how the hell am I supposed to get in there? My shoes are tied on my feet. Hang it up, itchy foot. Green juice. Hey, green juice, wrong color, asshole.

Hang it up, green juice, wrong color, asshole. Hang it up, Green Juice. The Chainsmokers. Honestly, I don't know what they are or which songs are their songs. I just got a good solid feeling that they stink big time. Hang it up, The Chainsmokers. Weird Gray Hair. Hey, listen up, I chain smokers. Weird gray hair.

Hey, listen up. I'm not that old. Why are you coming out of my nipple? Hang it up, weird gray hair. Broken dreams. You know what I say? Let's glue them up and get back out there. Hang it up, broken dreams. Now that we know what can hang it up, we must know what can keep it up. Keep it up, broken dreams. Now that we know what can hang it up, we must know what can keep it up.

Keep it up. Keep it up. A nice breakfast. No, it says basket, Jordan. Do a breakfast one. I'm sorry. A nice basket. Hey, nobody's got a problem with you, a nice basket.

Keep it up. That would have worked for breakfast. Ice cold Coke. That's a classic beverage. Keep it up, ice cold Coke. A big tree. Hey, way to hang in there, big tree. I know that canopy didn't happen overnight.

Keep it up, a big tree. Butt massage. What can I say? I'm carrying a lot of tension back there. Keep it up, butt massage. Guys with afros who know karate. White, black, or Asian with a perm, these guys can really rumble.

Keep it up, guys with afros who know karate. This has been Hang It Up, Keep It Up. Live your life accordingly. Wow. Yeah. So what's going on in your life professionally? You just wrapped up writing on a show. Yeah. So anyway, what's going on in your life professionally? You just wrapped up writing on a show. Yeah, yeah.

So I wrapped, and actually this is kind of exciting. I actually have kind of a cool piece of news I wanted to share with you guys. Hold on. Let me make a slide real quick. Thank you. Yeah. So this is actually a very real announcement, parentheses, not a bit. Yeah. So this is actually a very real announcement. Parentheses, not a bit. Yeah.

So this is real. A lot of people would think this is a bit, but it's not. It's totally real. It's not. It's real. It's a true story from life. I mostly work in TV and work in podcasts, but I've been kind of plink-plunking away at a feature film. And I never thought I would go anywhere because I'm not a feature writer typically.

But I had this thing, and it was a passion project. And I sent it out, and it looks like it's going to get made. It's different from... It's really different from my usual work. It's not a comedy per se. It's a thriller that... You've mostly worked on comedy in the past. Yeah, so this is a thriller. It's remarkable that in real

life you've sold a thriller feature script. Right, yes. And it is... It's an all-American story about an American boy from Brooklyn. And it is a... It's just a story about

our moment, our now, our country. In America. To be an American in 2020. Right. And also looking back over time, the history of what it is to be American. Yeah, just kind of about our country. From America. And we've got a great cast.

We've got Liam Neeson, Benedict Cumberbatch, Mark Strong, and Emma Watson. Wow. That is really cool. Yeah, it's really cool. And it's called Snatched Up. And actually, I think we want to give you a little sense of how it's going to sound.

Oh, is that what the script is here? Yeah, of a scene from the movie. I just thought we would give people a sense of how this is going to sound. Now, is that what the script is here? Yeah, of a scene from the movie. I just thought we would give people a sense of how this is going to sound. Now, there's a character named Diane here. Yeah. Should we bring on from Maximum Fun's own minority corner,

Anneke Fitzclark, to play that character? We should. Please welcome Anneke. Anneke. Oakland's own Anneke Fitzclark. Somebody went to cat school. Thanks for having me.

So here, yeah, it's just the story of a boy from Brooklyn. It's snatched up and we're just going to give you a little sense of how it's going to sound. So Jordan,

you'll be playing Clint. Yeah, so that part will be played by Liam Neeson in the movie. That's Liam Neeson's part in the film. He's attached. Yeah, he's attached. And then she'll be playing Diane, that, so that part will be played by Liam Neeson. That's Liam Neeson's part in the film. He's attached. Yeah, he's attached.

And then she'll be playing Diane. That's Emma Watson. And Emma Watson, yeah. And then who's playing my character, Martin McDonough Hurley O'Sullivan? One of those other guys. Okay. Okay.

Great. Honey, I'm home from work at the textile factory. Uh-huh, yeah. You know, the textile factory my father worked in before me and his father before him, here in Brooklyn. Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, Clint, I'm so glad you're back. I was taking our daughter to the market in Queens.

Queens, one of the five boroughs here in New York City. Our home for our entire lives. Yes, that's the one. I was taking our daughter to the market to gather ingredients for our upcoming meal of hamburgers, hot dogs,

T-bone steaks, and Budweiser beer. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh. I know that meal well. My father ate it and his father before him. Here in Brooklyn, where I've lived all my life. Yeah, baseball.

Well, I turned away from our daughter for but a second, and she was snatched up. Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, crud. My only daughter snatched up. Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, crud. My only daughter snatched up. It was probably the McDonough-Hurley-O'Sullivan boys, the gangsters from the Bronx, one of the other five boroughs here in New York City,

which is where we've always lived. Yeah, uh-huh. Why would the McDonough-Hurley-O'Sullivan boys want to snatch up our daughter? Well, you see, I borrowed money from them to help me achieve the American dream. You know, a white picket fence, a tire swing, and a two-car garage filled with apple pie. Darling, we don't need that. All we need is each other.

Tin cans for kicking down the street. Hoops for chasing with sticks in each other. Here in Brooklyn, where we've always lived. I wish I had known that before my selfish actions led to our daughter getting snatched up. Uh-huh. Yeah. Gun. And Martin McDonough Hurley O'Sullivan enters Did I hear someone say they are looking for a missing daughter? Uh-huh, yeah Martin McDonough Hurley O'Sullivan, what are you doing here in Brooklyn? Because you know

Yes, I'm from the Bronx One of the five boroughs of New York City The city where we all live For our entire lives. Uh-huh. Yeah. I snatched up your daughter as the first step to building my criminal empire.

Soon I will rule everything. The Bronx. Brooklyn. 42nd Street. The Empire State Building. Fire hydrants that have water shooting out of them and kids are playing in the water. Also, all the pizzas. You'll never get away with this.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. From sea to shining sea. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let's hear it for Anneke Fitzgerald.

Coming soon to a theater near you. That was a real thrill. Yeah, real fun. If you're a casual listener to the show, that was part of a running joke.

Yeah, and just in general, if you're a casual listener to the show or this is your first time, anything that you don't think is funny is part of a running joke. Right. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thornton. I'm Jesse Thornton. la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thornton.

I'm Eric. I'm Eric Smith. Jordan and Blah. Welcome. We're just doing. You don't need to hear the whole nickname anymore. You know the fucking nicknames. We sort of do them out of obligation now anyway.

Is that true? Sure. We just make weird noises now instead of the nicknames. Who cares? Speaking of obligations, Jordan, we've got a sponsor on this week's program, our friends at ZipRecruiter. It's a new year, the perfect opportunity to take your business to

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It won't work. Yeah. That's what makes it go. Go ahead. They invite them. They invite them to apply for your job. Turn the key. Put it in gear.

Right. Check your mirrors. Hands on the wheel. Ten and two. Ten and two, of course. Good steamroller driving etiquette you know

find your radio station or your podcast before you pull out into traffic you should have presets yeah you should have presets unless it's a borrowed steamroller

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That's ziprecruiter.com slash jjgo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Crush your enemies. And while you're going to URLs, after you've gone to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo, go to MaxFunStore.com and get your exclusive Roll'em t-shirt. Only in the month of January, Jordan. This is a one and done, fun and done yeah t-shirt experience uh that you can only get uh in the month of january don't come whining to me in february oh i forgot oh it's

leap day i didn't go to max fun store.com because i'm too dumb oh where i live in arizona so i have to work today on martin luther king's birthday and I can't find your shirt in the store. No excuse. Go to maxfundstore.com and get your Roll'em t-shirt. A lot of other fun JJ Go items up there on the website, but the Roll'em t-shirt is only available for January. Yeah, so go do it, maxfundstore.com. And then fucking crush your enemies into flat paper. They deserve it. Flat, wet paper from their blood.

Yeah, blood's wet. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, as Forky in the hit film Fork Story 4. Please welcome to the stage our friend and yours, Mr. Tony Hale. Tony Hale. Hi, Tony. How are you, friend? What a beautiful film that was. Yeah. That's actually the whole film.

Really? Yeah, yeah. And you sold it? No. Man, Tony Hill just fucking broke you, Jordan. No, I'm really proud of you, Jordan. Thanks, Tony, for going along with the premise. How's your Sketch Fest been?

You've been here. You've already done a show. Yep. Me and Mark Herschon back there did a show last night, Awkward Conversations with Tony Hale. And I'm here doing a play. That's why I'm in San Francisco, doing a play called Wakey Wakey at ACT.

The American Conservatory Theater? The American Conservatory Theater. Are you reading a funny scene from the play? Is that part of the premise? No, you're actually, this is something you're actually doing? Yeah. Wow. It opens January 23rd.

Okay. I once saw Olympia Dukakis in a play at ACT as a teenager, and the only thing I remember about it was that at one point, her co-star came out on stage and said, I peed a thick and heavy stream. What was the play? Don't remember.

Okay. All I really remember is Olympia Dukakis was the other star, but the person who wasn't Olympia Dukakis came out and said, I peed a thick and heavy stream. Now, how heavy will your stream be in this play?

I'm so glad you asked. I do have a question about Cats. Please. Do you think that it's going to become one of those cult-like Rocky Horror kind of a thing that people go to? Do you think it has that kind of potential?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I... Right, I feel like if we all... Oh, someone just goes, no. I hope not. Yeah, I think it'll be... Yeah, I think it will be a thing where people come and they, you know,

hurl something at the screen. Oh, you know what would be fun? Laser pointers. Because cats love to chase. Everyone brings a laser pointer. You kind of know where people are going to run. And you point the laser. Yeah.

Someone in marketing of cats is like, laser pointer. The laser pointer shows. I know. Yeah. Yeah. I do think this will be like a legendary thing that people like get high and watch in college or something like that. So yeah.

Did you hear that part of the one of the Cats controversies that Jason Derulo said that they had to reduce his like package size via CGI? Didn't they have to do that in Superman too

or something like that? Oh, you're thinking of Henry Cavill's mustache. Oh wait, I thought there was something I thought there was some superhero that had to do that or something like... The mustache is known as the package of the face.

That's right. What is the mustache? But the dick of the face. I have seen the movie. They do not decrease the size of Jason Derulo's package, but they do add barbs. Weirdly. Make it more anatomically accurate.

So was all the... I haven't seen it. No, yeah. I am going to see it. Is all the fur CGI? Boy, it's so strange because it's not consistent. Some of the cats do look very furry. Judi Dench looks very furry.

But some of them look sleek like seals. They look like they're covered in mucus. I basically imagine it as being like Monsters, Inc. That's sort of my reference point for it. Yeah, it is. A lot like Monsters, Inc. Because I saw that featurette where they have all the things on them. Yeah.

But I didn't know if that, when they were shooting, if they had any kind of like physical something on them, you know? Yeah, no, I think it's all, but the shrimp that they deep throat are all real. Oh, yeah.

They're live, they're squirming, and it's upsetting. All right. Are you a theater guy? Do you go see musicals and things like that? Or do you just appear in plays? Yeah, I saw Beetlejuice in New York recently, which was really fun.

Really good, really fun. I saw Dear Evan Hansen was really good. I saw that in New York. I love going to the theater. Do you sing? No. Have you ever performed on stage in to the theater. Do you sing? No. Have you ever performed on stage in a musical where you had to sing? Yes.

I was doing, in high school, I was doing Little Abner and there's a song called Jubilation Tea Corn Pone. Yeah. That's one of the names of the cast in my cat quiz. That's what I thought. I got so nervous. I think I had a panic attack during the song,

and I thought it was an asthma attack, but I have a good feeling it was a panic attack. Wow. Yeah, I was that nervous about singing. And that was the day you became an artist? I was Marion Sam. That was my name, Marion Sam. Well, my name is Marion Sam.

Yes, please, sing it. Sing the rest. We don't have stuff planned. Sing something that will get us sued. So you were like a high school theater kid. Yeah, I was a high school theater kid. I was the kid, I lived in, my dad was in the army,

we moved to Florida in the seventh grade. And all the other kids were in sports, and I'm not a sports kid. And so my parents were like, I don't know what to do with this kid. I was kind of a spaz. And they found this little theater in Tallahassee called Young Actors Theater and signed me up. And it was just a godsend.

I just loved it. And I'm a huge, not to get all intense, but I'm a huge arts education fan. Because I think even if you don't make a career out of it, like I did, yeah, but like, certain personalities like myself need that environment to thrive. Yeah. You really picked the right crowd. This is a crowd who would just clap for the idea of extracurricular

activities. Good for you. Good for you. It's the little thing. Tony, I actually went, I grew up here in San Francisco I went to School of the Arts here in San Francisco

Oh okay Got a really intense and beautiful arts education there and I find it really valuable in my life now

doing whatever the opposite of art is I don't know if this is the opposite of art You bring people joy through your humor we help this comedy club sell chicken fingers

we're just tools of big chicken finger did you were you did you take pride in being a goofball when you were a theater kid did you take it out out of the stage that's something I absolutely did

as a high school theater kid. Jordan may have had a bubble pipe in high school. Yeah, I had a bubble pipe. I wore bowling shoes to school for a while. I was random! I look back on that as... I don't know. There's worse things I could have been doing.

I had glitter-covered Doc Martens. Okay. I'm right there with you. You had what? Hair-covered Doc Martens? Glitter-covered. Oh, glitter-covered, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was pretty,

the director in the little theater, she would say, I remember getting, I wanted the part of an Oliver, what was the sidekick? Artful Dodger. Artful Dodger. Artful Dodger. And she said I was too obnoxious to get it.

And that's like Artful Dodger the criminal. Wow. Too obnoxious to be a street urchin, huh? Yeah, yeah. And I also wanted the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz, and I was too obnoxious, so I got like the Mayor of Oz, and my top siders were green.

So I was kind of an obnoxious kid. Sure. I'm excited to hear that you, multiple award-winning celebrated actor, Tony Hale, spent your teenager's sixth on the call sheet. I wanted to be- 25th on the call sheet. I wanted to be Doc Gibbs in Our Town

and my teacher said my B.O. was too bad. Oh. I was the guy who carried Bessie, the cow. Oh, yeah? I just brought Bessie out, the cow. I did actually play Doc Gibbs in Our Town. That's a good role. Yeah, and I...

Wait, he said your B.O. was bad? No, I was kidding. Oh. What's a lie? Who knows? Just say stuff into the microphone and the club sells chicken fingers and everybody's fine.

Okay. When I was in middle school, my middle school did a production of Midsummer Night's Dream. And the head of the middle school cast it. And he cast me as one of the mechanicals, but it was a mechanical he had added to the cast list. Wait, he's writing

new characters into Shakespeare? Yes. I was like, what could possibly have... It's Romeo's friend, Kent. What could possibly... Hey, it's me, Kent. Help me work on my car. What could possibly have led him to add characters to the Bard of Avon's greatest, one of his Help me work on my car. What could possibly have led him to add characters to the bard of Avon's greatest, one of his greatest works? And then eight weeks later,

I realized it was because that way he could cut me before the first show without messing up the play. Wait, hold on. What? Wait, so he... He cut me from the show. Because why? It was his plan was

he couldn't cast me as somebody with lines because if he cast me as somebody with lines, he couldn't cut me from it if he needed to. Wait, Jesse, there is literally a wall in that play. I know. You couldn't make a wall? I know, I couldn't make a wall I know. I couldn't make wall. So I am enriching people's

lives according to Forky. Wait, just one question. So you rehearsed the whole thing and then at the last minute he said you're not in it. Yeah, maybe like ten days before the performance. Wait, this was high school? This was middle school, eighth grade. Oh, wait.

That's trauma. Yeah, it was fucked up. You still wore the pantaloons for two years after that, right? Yeah, but that was like, it was like the swing era, you know. Sure, yes. Right. Big bad voodoo daddy was tearing

up the charts. Straight cats. Right, yeah. Just a Brian Setzer fan over here. But did you feel like when you found those theater kids in Florida, they're like, oh, I found my tribe. These are my people. Yeah, I did. And those are the people that I

kind of stay the closest to. So I really, really appreciate that time. I have told this story on the show before, but I feel like it's relevant here, is that when I was in our town, there's the funeral scene, and the townspeople all have to stand around and watch.

God, spoiler alert for our town. Like, come on! And so I was... So, you know, the funeral scene is happening and while it was happening one night I had to sneeze but held it in because I didn't want to fuck up the thing so I held the sneeze so long

that I started to cry and then backstage everyone was like were you crying? and I was like yeah I was just so into it you know? and I like played it off like I actually know what acting is I was just so into it, you know? And I like played it off like I actually know what acting is. I just fucking faked it.

So if anybody from my high school theater program is listening, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'll tell you a darker story. Oh, please. Let's get real. No, I was so needy that there, there was a girl that was really popular and I just moved to Tallahassee

and I wanted so bad, she had just had a relative pass away and I so, stop, I didn't mean to laugh. I know it's coming. Go on this journey with us. This is a safe. No, it's really awful. I so wanted for her to be my friend

that I told her my sister had passed away. And I just, like, owned it. And thinking she'd be like, oh, and we'd have a bond. She could have cared less. But for the rest of my school career, she thought I had a dead sister. Do you have a sister? I do have a sister.

Who's fine. And she's eight years older than I am. So in my head, I was like, she's out of the house. I'll cross the summer bridge when I get to it. It's so awful. I'm not proud of that. Anyways, that's the depth of my need as a child. Did she ever find out?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, but I've clearly carried that guilt for a long time. Well, she's here tonight! Oh, God! Tony Hale, this is your life. I start weeping. Yeah.

Tony, have I told you how hard I stand Forky? I'm like the number one Forky Stan in America. I loved Forky Stan. Wait, how do you Stan? What did you say? You know what to Stan is, right? As in the Eminem song, Stan It's what an online young person Would say when they're a fan of something

They're like, I stan Lizzo I stan Daenerys I never heard that I apologize if everybody knows that term. All this fucking Fork wants to do is throw himself away. That's true. He's like, get a clue, Fork.

He kind of saw his life as I'm made to help people eat chili and then the trash. And then Woody comes along and he's like, no, you've got value. You're made for more than that. It's beautiful. I am absolutely sincere about how much I loved and love Forky. I'm crazy about Forky.

I was like pumping my arm in the theater because I loved Forky so much. Do you know what also I love about Forky? Gabby Gabby, the doll in the thrift store that kind of everybody was afraid of. Forky was just new to the world, and he was like, I don't know what any of this means. And so everybody was afraid of her, but he was like, I think she's got pretty hair, and just goes over and starts chatting.

And because he kind of got to know her, then her stuff came out, and then she had her own healing. Yeah. You know, don't judge a bug by its cover. Forky doesn't. How old is your kid? She's 14.

How does she feel about her dad being toys? She's just kind of generally embarrassed by me all in all. We're in that stage. But she's a love. But she's kind of like, everything I say, like, hey, sky's blue. She's like, I don't know. You know, everything, she just kind of disagrees. Of course you would say that.

Yeah. But no, she, well, she's not able to see a lot of, she wasn't able to see Veep. Oh, sure. Yeah. And we're just getting into Arrested Development. So, like, we'll watch a little bit of that. Oh, that's awesome was there a point where she

it's very touchy with kids my children literally last week my son Oscar told me that he thought I was funny and it was the first time that any of my children had

any reaction to me making a joke other than shut up, dad. I hate your jokes. Yeah. What would you do that? Why did he say you were funny? I truly I truly don't remember. I probably just made a dumb face or something. But it was it was like a it was a like a very emotional moment.

Yeah, of course. it was like a very emotional moment for me. Yeah, of course. Because let's be honest, this is the only way I know how to connect with another human being. Sweet. Was this the youngest or the oldest? This is the middle one.

The middle one decided. He's also the one that I'm worried is going to grow up to be funny. It's a concern that I have about him. What is it about him that you're like, mm, I think he's got it? He does a lot of mugging. He does a lot of funny voices.

He's six years old and you're like, you wonder like what is the shoot that he went into at school where he became the shoot that he went into at school where he became the kid that does funny voices? Because he's not doing funny voices with me, but just something is broken inside him. That also was broken inside me at that age. I'm sorry, each of us at that age.

Comes from a lot of pain. That led us to, say everything like this or something. You know, like when we were six. And tell people you have a dead sister. That's where that comes from. And like, you know, by the time you're nine or ten, you're pretending that you thought of the jokes from Saturday Night Live that you're doing at school on Monday and that kind of thing.

But it's a very touchy, it's like a very touchy, those relationships are very touchy within the family. Who's decided who's embarrassing and who's not embarrassing. My two-year-old the other day, they were all at the rec center taking soccer class.

The two youngers were in soccer and the older one was in softball, my daughter Grace. And my two-year-old found out from my wife that Grace, my oldest, would be coming home with them after they all finished their classes and pitched a shit fit

because he demanded that they leave her at the park. He was truly shocked that they were planning to, not planning to leave her at the park. The other day my son said I was the coolest dude in town. Jordan, you should get a son. God, I gotta get a son. Don't tell Tony I don't have a son.

This guy thinks I got a son. Don't, come on, man, you're blowing up my spot. Sorry, I didn't mean to tell Forky you don't have a son thank you as far as he knows I have a son a beautiful son I think you can get yourself a son

alright tonight I'm getting a son but Tony what was the path of your daughter approving or disapproving of your life as a public figure? She's never really been a fan of it. I mean, it's something like, it's not like she's, but like she just doesn't, she doesn't like talk about it much.

You know, I think there's, it's weird like, and I also, I don't know, it's got to be weird to see your dad in an emasculated state in Arrested Development. You know, it's just like, as a man-child. You want to show her the work that you've done where you're like a super cool alpha male? That doesn't exist. Like the Volkswagen commercial where you dance to Mr. Roboto? It's still pretty out there.

No, I mean, you were in all those Thor movies. Oh, that's right. Chris Hemsworth. Sorry. Common mistake. I would be like his quirky sidekick.

I want to hold the stone or whatever. Tony, that was great. Thank you. I want to hold the stone. You just got cast. Stone holding. Yeah. Should we have some music hold the stone. You just got cast. Stone holding.

Yeah. Should we have some music on the show? I would love to. Our next guest on the show is a singer-songwriter from right here in San Francisco. He's also one of my oldest friends in the world. You've heard him on Judge John Hodgman where he was a smash hit and touring the nation. He's opening for Mike Watt in a week or two down in Southern California.

Please welcome to the stage Pete Fields. Whoo! Whoo! applause piano plays Thank you. Well I stole my crown From the gold rush town Now my pockets are filled with pennies Everything says to leave this place

Even the fortune cookie Oh, I sit on the steps of the church Chain smoking cigarettes Thinking about that golden guy And how I could win her back back Oh love is a fickle thing It's here and then it's gone

When you're always making the same mistakes It's so easy to get things wrong guitar solo Well I hope I remember the hard times And the memories of the pain So I never forget how good it feels Being your embrace When, when, when Thank you. Thanks a lot, everybody. Thanks, Jesse and Jordan.

Thank you. Pete Fields! I'm glad Pete got the memo that he should do a really sad song about how San Francisco doesn't want us anymore. That's okay, that's good. Yeah, good talk. Hey, we've got another guest for you guys. Yeah, you know him from public radio's Snap Judgment.

Please welcome to the stage, Oakland, California's own Glenn Washington. Woo! Here he comes. Glenn is a man who knows how to wear stage clothes. Yeah, looking like the leader of the world's greatest wedding band. There it is. There it is. Indeed.

How you doing, buddy? Good. How are you white folks doing? We applauded for NPR. And after school activities. Glenn, so we were talking about kind of like, you know, what we did in high school and like discovering performing. What was your thing in high school? Were you a drama kid? Were you a yearbook

kid? What was your thing? I was a I was a wannabe drama kid. And the thing for me was I was in fact a cult kid. When you say you were a cult kid, you mean that you went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show a lot, right?

The President of the United States of America I do not. I do not. I mean, I was the kid that was telling everybody the world was about to end and Jesus was about to come back, and it turned out it didn't happen. But I was a, I wanted to be actually a drama kid. But, and I went, this is what happened to me. This is what happened to me.

I went, a kid who I used to get a ride home from school. He was, one day he was going to try out for the play. And so just so I could get a ride, I went with him. And I tried out for the play. And I was just goofing around because I knew full well I couldn't be anybody's play. We had strict Sabbath rules. Friday evenings, it was lockdown until Saturday sometime. And I got the part.

And then they got very, very upset when I had to withdraw myself. And I was devastated myself. It was something I wanted to do, but the Lord wasn't going to let that happen. Do you remember what the play was? I don't. Honestly, it was something I really wanted. It's like one of those things you kind of excise from your memory. I was sad.

When you say you were locked, when it locked down friday what does that mean it means that um from sunset to sunset at the washington house we weren't in church we were studying the bible and learning about how the world was about to end from friday not sunday no we were this is this is a saturday thing we you know we didn't we had we had to mix everything up washington household so that's that's that's how I spent my high school being that guy. Have you ever been in a play, Glenn? I have not been in a play. Until today. Get your hats. We're doing the Music Man. 76 trombones. I think I hear a Wells Fargo wagon coming down the street.

Everyone's feeling a little shpoopy, right? I feel like Glenn Washington right now could green light a production of the Music Man in the Bay Area. Go down to the marsh, do a production of the Music Man or something. It would be fantastic.

I would love to do something like that. You were telling us backstage that you have a new podcast about terror and horror. Not terror. It's called Spook. Every year on Snap Judgment for a Halloween episode, we would just treat supernatural stories just like we treat anything else. The best stories. The very, and the best stories, the very, very best Halloween stories always start,

I don't really tell anybody this. But... I was very aroused while watching the movie. Yeah. Happy Halloween! I thought you were going to say Happy New Year for some reason.

I'm like, that's pretty funny. Those are different episodes with the cats things. Our Halloween episode, Spooked, ended up being really popular, so we spun it off. It's really taken off. I'm excited about it. These are stories where you have someone who

presents themselves as rational people who we think, you know, who you would hang out with, you'd chill with but they tell you a story of their brush with the supernatural and I love being able to hold the rationality and the supernatural in the

same story. Here's the thing Glenn, you're a very gifted storyteller and as we heard from that brief anecdote about your family, your life is completely bonkers ape shit. Yeah. You've done a lot

of bonkers shit. I'm like the cult isn't even half of it. No. But like... This guy goes to the soda fountain and he mixes coke and Sprite. Cult isn't even half of it. No. But like... This guy goes to the soda fountain and he mixes Coke and Sprite. That's suicide! I know! A suicide.

So the kids would call that a drink. However, your stories are often front and center on Snap Judgment. And I know what it's like to... I had the problem when I was doing my show Bullseye Your stories are often front and center on Snap Judgment. Yes. And I know what it's like to, you know, like I had the problem when I was doing my show Bullseye where I had to recommend something every week. And I had like a long list of things that I had watched between the ages of, you know, 17 and 28.

You know, I had like 100 things on that list, things that I could recommend. 28 you know I had like a hundred things on that list things that I could recommend but I realized once I ran through those things that I now spent all my time making my public radio show and had no time to go watch other things right and I imagine I know how hard you work on snap like at a certain point you run out of experiences because you're not out there doing crazy ass shit anymore you're working on a public radio show. JOHN MCWHORTER- That's right. That's exactly right. What happened is, thankfully, my childhood

was sufficiently fucked up that I do have a deep well. But what happens is this. What happens is this. I do have some crazy stories. Like, I got a story where I'm in the alley where the Yakuza are blasting away and I'm trying to get to a manhole cover to go underground to see a U2 concert.

Now, I... You don't... Part of... Something's happening in my brain where I'm like, I kind of want to hear that story, but also I kind of am fine knowing just that information. The thing of it is, I've got like two or three of those stories, and we're on year 10 of this show,

and so you can't have, if you do have a lot more of those, then you're probably a crazy person. And so I have to go. So what happens is what's really great is, thankfully, I didn't know this at the time. But now I have to be able to tell stories about simple things, which means I have to be a better writer than I was when we first started this show. What about specifically for the spooky story show? Because, like, maybe a couple times you've seen a ghost. Exactly right.

But, like, you've done, like, 50 of those now. That's right. Now, so, again, if somebody sees a ghost one, two, three times, cool. 50 times, lock that fucker up, right? And so... At some point, you're no longer a credible narrator. Right, and so I have to back up a little bit. I have to back up a little bit.

It can't be about the time the hand came out, the thing, and all that kind of stuff. I have to tell stories about... We had a rat in my house, and I hear it screeching and screeching. I knew it was going to come out sometime in the middle of the night. I just didn't know when. I thought it was going to hit me.

Something, I had to base it on those things. We all have fears and stuff like that. I have to start there and let somebody else maybe take the lead on the supernatural element. Or I will sound like I'm insane. I think just at a certain point, it's just like, I woke up and brushed my teeth enthusiastically, then wandered bleary-eyed. It's not the deal.

Into the kitchen, and my wife handed me a glass of orange juice. The thing of it is, I was lucky in one sense, maybe unlucky in another. I had my grandmother. My grandmother was... A ghost?

She was a diviner. And that was an early one. I didn't know what that meant. But what would happen would be, this was in Detroit, people would come from various neighborhoods to my grandmother's house. And they would ask her questions. I was her questions.

I was her helper. I was four or five years old. My job was to meet somebody in the front, take them out to the back to talk to Granny. Now Granny, what they'd ask, they'd say, you know, my husband's cheating on me. What do I do? And she'd take a piece of paper, put some soil in it, wrap it up, tell her to put the picture in there and put it under the bed, and the husband's going to come back. And they'd leave happy. I'd take them out the front door.

The problem was when she'd tell someone she couldn't help them and they'd beg and they'd plead, but then this four or five-year-old boy has got to take them back out front anyway while they be begging to me. Can't you do something? Can't you talk to her? Just to talk to her one more time. I just need to go back to her for a minute.

You're like, I'm fine. Right. Sorry you're getting a divorce. I can write some words. And that, I mean, that disappoint, I felt like I was always, I hated when Granny couldn't help somebody. I hated leading somebody out.

Grown people would cry to me for another chance. I'd be like, nah, I got cartoons coming on. Got to go. Power Rangers, whatever it is. So it was a trip. Was Rangers, whatever it is. Was the diviner a part of this cult? No, no, it was very, very different. In fact, if my parents had known that, they'd be very, very upset. The divine, all that stuff, that's evil, and that's from the devil, that's from Satan.

We were of Jesus. Weird Jesus. Yeah, strange Jesus Jesus Jesus I'm just telling you this the whole idea was

that in the late 80's this is what the preacher said brethren if you think we're going to make it through the 1980's without seeing the return of the Lord Jesus Christ, you got another thing coming. And the idea was we were going to go and live in the caves of Petra in Jordan. And while everybody, well, y'all burned. Y'all going to burn up.

But we were going to be safe and sound. Y'all burned. Y'all gonna burn up. But we're gonna be safe and sound. Glenn, actually, what maybe you don't know is that the world actually did end in the 80s, and this has all been going on in your head. Wake up, Glenn. Wake up. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Picard. Jesse Thorne won't let us stay on the network unless we do all the Star Trek series, and so here we are, doing a show about maybe our favorite Star Trek character

of all time. If you're excited to watch the new Star Trek Picard series, and you'd like some veteran Star Trek podcasters to watch it along with, we're your guys. Sorry you're stuck with us. What the hell are you doing out here, Picard? Saving the galaxy?

So subscribe to The Greatest Discovery. You can find it anywhere you find podcasts. Or at MaximumFun.org. Stop it, Picard! Hello there, ghouls and gals. It is I, April Wolf. I'm here to take you through the twisty, scary, heart-pounding world of genre cinema on the exhilarating program known as Switchblade Sisters.

The concept is simple. I invite a female filmmaker on each week, and we discuss their favorite genre film. Listen in closely to hear past guests like the Babadook director, Jennifer Kent, Listen in closely to hear past guests like the Babadook director Jennifer Kent, Winter's Bone director Deborah Granik, and so many others every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. Tune in if you dare. It's actually a very thought-provoking show that deeply explores the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process while also examining film through the lens of the female gaze. So like, you should listen.

Switchblade sisters. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la cartoons, Glenn. Yes. I think you might have a... I love the cartoons, Jesse. You might have a leg up on Tony, who's only, I guess, voiced many cartoon characters. In our game, we're going to play a game. You're going to go up against Tony. Uh-oh. The game is called Real Fan Art or Some Shit We Made Up. Oh, no. Tony, have you seen your characters in a lot of fan art? Are they, is it something that people like send you paintings of? Yeah, it happens. Yeah, I've seen it.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So this is, so you kind of are familiar with this phenomenon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think a lot of times when people are posting fan art on the internet, it's always a strange combination of I'm mashing together two things that I am into. Right.

And I think you'll see a lot of that here. So yeah, so kind of what we're going to do is we're going to- There was, can I describe one fan art? Oh, please. Yes. It was very, very sweet. So yeah, so kind of what we're going to do is we're going to... There was, can I describe one fan art? Oh, please. Yes. It was very, very sweet. But in Tallahassee, when I went back,

someone had sketched a picture of me, just like a press picture, just kind of a normal picture with a jacket, and the Florida capital behind me. And then I have a hook. Okay. Because like Buster has a very unique look, and it kind of tracks. But this was like a nice shot of me smiling with the Florida Capitol and a hook.

Yeah. And it was like really... Right, you're not wearing a short-sleeved polo shirt tucked into Dockard. Tony Hale, the man, is a cool, well-dressed dude. Well, I don't know about that, but it was a real mixture. Yeah. It really took a lot of liberties. So, dude. Well, I don't know about that, but it was a real mixture. Yeah. It really took a lot of liberties. So, yeah. So I think you're familiar with the concept.

So, yeah. We're going to be... So what we're going to do is we're going to read you three options for fan art. One of them is real. We'll be projecting the real one on screen. Apologies to the folks listening at home. We're going to do our best to describe everything so you feel like you're here with us. We already fell for this all of them real thing.

I know what's going to happen now. No, no, no. This is a legit thing. My thing was dumb bullshit because I liked making up those cat names and one of them was from the Star Wars prequels. So yeah, these will all be answerable. There's no trick questions in this.

All right. So should we start with Glenn maybe? Yeah, let's start with Glenn. Glenn, here are your options. Our first piece of fan art concerns Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes. Are you familiar? Somewhat.

Okay. So he's a very famous hedgehog who loves eating rings. Yeah. We've got confirmation from my friend John from high school over here. That's correct. I'm sorry, what am I supposed to do about that? So I'm going to read you three descriptions of a piece of fan art. One is real. Okay.

So you have to tell me which one it was. So Sonic the Hedgehog has someone on the internet drawn him down on his knees performing a sex act. That'd be wrong. Down on his knees performing a sex act. That'd be wrong. Down on his knees accepting Christ or down on his knees scrubbing stubborn mildew from his tub. One of these is real. It's the internet. It's gotta be the sex act.

No, I'm sorry. Down on his knees accepting Christ. Wow. If you'll look to the side. Wow. Sonic was once lost to the side. Wow. Sonic was once lost, but now he is found in Jesus Christ. Looks how his arms are glowing. My goodness.

Yeah, so there's two Sonics in this image. He's on a golf course or something like that. He found God on a golf course. I was Sonic. He can't do a golf course. I was Sonic. He can't do the play either. So you kind of know. So this is a, you know, that was an easy one. He really does just look sad he missed a putt.

Jesse, you want to read one for Tony? Yeah, Tony, your character will be Link from Zelda. Did we find fan art where Link sneezes and the discharge is voluminous, where Link had beans for lunch and rips an epic fart, or can't hold it in and goes tinkle in his pants?

Hold it in. And goes tinkle in his pants. I'm going to go with the voluminous mucus. Oh, incorrect. He peed his pants. And he's very embarrassed. He's very sad about that. He's very embarrassed.

This one is a sex thing. I about that. He's very embarrassed. This one is a sex thing. I confirmed that. I went ahead and I traced it back to the forum on which it originally appeared. Jesse, they're... And it's definitely a sex thing. They're all sex things. Let's, let's... Cole. All spade to spade.

Okay, so it's zero, zero. Zero, zero. Glenn... I'm coming back. I'm coming back. Glenn, yours will concern Mario from Super Mario Brothers. Yeah. I got the Mario.

I got it. Not to worry. Has someone drawn Mario as a penguin sliding on his belly, an octopus solving a puzzle, or a seahorse who is pregnant? Could you give me the choices one more time? Yes, absolutely. What now?

A penguin sliding on his belly. An octopus solving a puzzle. Or a seahorse who is pregnant. And you know what? Here's what I think. And while you're thinking this out, I think we need to give these fellas a lifeline. So you have one poll the audience.

You can use it now or you can save it.. So you have one poll the audience. You can use it now or you can save it. So you both have one poll the audience because I'm looking out on the audience and these are some nasty motherfuckers. Also, if you drew one of these, please stand up. So I can ask one, two, or three? Should they be allowed to ask? Can I suggest one?

Should they be allowed to ask our moms? Oh. No. Let the moms watch the show in peace. Okay. Okay. All right. So can I ask all of them, or what's going on?

I'm going to say. So one of these is real. A penguin sliding on his belly, an octopus solving a puzzle, or a seahorse who is pregnant. You can ask the audience once, but only once during this game. Who thinks is number three a seahorse who was pregnant, you can ask the audience once, but only once during this game. Who thinks is number three the seahorse? A lot of enthusiasm.

I think we have a winner. Yes, it's correct. You are right, a seahorse. Take that. Here's the thing. Comic voice, man. Everybody wants to see Mario pregnant. What we call an impreg.

Mario is a cisgendered male. And in most creatures in nature, the cisgendered male doesn't carry the child. So, of course, if you want to see him pregnant, you gots to make him a seahorse. Otherwise, it's against canon. Yikes. So that's one point for Glenn. One point for Glenn. Good job, Glenn.

Good job. Glenn on the board. On the board. Come on. By the way, can we... Where are you? Take that, Forky. My mom's over here.

Where's the mom? Here's my mom. And my mom left five minutes in. Does not care for the show. Great. It's for the best that she did. It's not a good show. Oh, certainly not.

Tony, have you ever heard of a film called Star Wars? I have. Can I share a little knowledge that I have of Star Wars? Oh, yeah. I have. Can I share a little knowledge that I have of Star Wars? Oh, yeah. Love it. I was doing press for Forky Asked a Question on Disney+, and The Mandalorian is on there as well. Sure.

And I, during, just for conversation with a reporter, I said, are you excited about the Manchurian candidate? And I might have said it to another reporter because nobody stopped me it's a big deal man sure any candidates coming out I hear you can check it out for free at the library Jordan it's up to me like it's Mandalorian I was like cool Jordan it sounds like our friend Tony Hale, like me, is a medium Star Wars guy. Medium Star Wars guy, folks. Our next character is a stormtrooper.

Stormtrooper from Star Wars. Did someone draw a stormtrooper showing off his tight buns, his sweaty bare feet, or his terrible aim. Which of these was really depicted in a real fan art that we found on the internet? I kind of feel like the bare feet. Yeah, you're absolutely correct. Nice.

Right where I want you, rebel scum. This is from the Star Wars movie directed by Quentin Tarantino. Saving that joke for two weeks. Worth it. Thank you. Yes, worth it. Glenn, your character is the dog from Animal Crossing. Your character is the dog from Animal Crossing. Animal Crossing is a game where adorable animals gather and share fruit.

I'm not familiar with that game, Jesse. Sometimes they write each other letters. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I haven't played that game before. The goal is to get rare fruit. I see. And make animal friends. Uh-huh.

New mailbox is a big part of it, too, right? Yeah, if you get a new mailbox, that's big news. What did fans do to this dog, Jesse? Did someone draw this beautiful dog character, who appears to be a lady dog as a veiny bodybuilder, a baby with a dirty diaper, or President Donald Trump?

Please, please, please, please, please, please. Be the president. Oh, no, it's as a veiny bodybuilder. Oh, no. Saying, do I meet your expectations, Mr. Mayor? No. People are wrong. People are not right.

Very upsetting. Okay, Tony, this one's for you. And keep in mind, you do have a poll of the. Keep in mind you do have a poll for the audience. Oh, I do have a poll for the audience. Your character is Batman. Your character is Batman. The Batman. Do we find him trying to hide his erection from Superman?

Getting his nipples tweaked by Green Lantern, or enjoying some tasty corn. Less arousing. Still have to poll the audience. All right. Oh, did you say corn? Are we all for corn? Corn.

Okay, let's go for corn. Congratulations. Tony Hale on the board. Enjoying some tasty corn. Now, this seems like it is more wholesome, but to whoever drew it, this is also a sex thing. Yeah, these are all sex things. Remember that. We found it a sex thing. Yeah. These are all sex things. Remember that.

We found it on Corn Hub. Yeah. Went over slightly better than the Tarantino thing, I'm surprised. Very fun. Glenn, I know you're a big Poke fan. Yeah. Which is why we've given you the character of Pokemon Trainer Ash. Sure.

Very familiar. It's Ash's job to capture pocket monsters. Catch them if you can. Right, yes. Catch them if you can. That famous Pokemon slogan. Uh-huh.

Train them to attack and kill. Is that what he's doing? Does Pokemon trainer Ash lick the face of a visibly annoyed Pikachu, erotically massage Bulbasaur, or butter his body with a stick of Lando Licks? Or butter his body with a stick of Lando legs? You keep using snakes. I've got some strong,

but I still have strong feelings over here, and I don't have any. One more time, Jesse. Your choices are lick the face of a visibly annoyed Pikachu. It's a yellow electricity monster. Uh-huh. Of course it is.

Of course it is. Erotically massage Bulbasaur. It's a horny monster who loves massages. Horny monster. Or butter his body with a stick of Landoleks. That's a premium dairy

product. I'm going to go with C though. I think I am. The answer is A. Lick the face of a visibly annoyed Pikachu. Huh. Why is this why is this one the worst?

There's something about how smooth they are that's upsetting. There's something about the way Ash's eyes are closed in a reverie. There's something about the pulling away from the Ash person. Yeah, and I think obviously there's a problem with consent between

the two of them. They don't know that consent is sexy. Tony, this is your last one. This is Shrek, fellow member of the DreamWorks family. Is he? Do you know who Shrek is, sir?

You know Tony is a member of the DreamWorks family, don't you? I bet. Okay. Okay. Wow, you guys just shamed him. It's so, the audience is being quiet, but this guy just looked at me and said, What? Sir, I'm not the movie Cats. So the audience is being quiet, but this guy just looked at me and said, what? Sir, I'm not the movie Cats.

You can't just yell what at me when something doesn't make sense. And have you been following it up to here? Thank you for coming to our show. Until now, all the pieces of this puzzle fit together. Enjoy the chicken fingers. Shrek from DreamWorks Animation. Friends with a donkey.

Friends with a donkey. Is he doing the Macarena, co-parenting with Sonic, or fucking a small town water tower? Wait, hold on. Yeah, I can read these again. A small town water tower. Wait, hold on. Yeah, I can read these again. A small town water tower? Yeah, you know like in a town like,

you know, you're in Palookaville and you get there and the way you know you're in Palookaville is you look up, oh, there's the town water tower. It says Palookaville on it. They keep their water there. And he's fucking it?

Yeah. Maybe. We don't know. We don't know. One of these is real. One of these is something we found in real fan art, too, or something we made up. We would never make up something gross.

I'm going to go Water Tower. No, it is co-parenting with Sonic. Oh. Now. I'm going to go Water Tower. No, it is co-parenting with Sonic. Oh. Now. Now. I know.

I can feel some people in the audience starting to get mad. Let me head it off at the pass. Jesse, you wrote this question, right? Yeah. That is not Sonic the Hedgehog. That is Shadow the Hedgehog. A clone of Sonic made from Dr. Robotnik's grandpa's DNA. And a monster who lives on a comet called Black Doom.

Now, Brian, bring up the graph. This is all part of Jordan's transition from podcasting into YouTube lore videos. Honestly, probably a good career move at this point. So Shrek is up there and he's saying in his famous Shrek voice, go on,

try to crawl over to mommy. Very nice. And then Shadow the Hedgehog is saying in his famous, or her, her famous? Him. His famous shadow voice,

come on, sweetie, you can do it. You know his voice. You know Shadow the Hedgehog. Why did you get that? And then in between is a monster more horrifying than either of them individually that is roughly the sum of the two divided by two. So Jesse, we got a bonus question here.

What's the score? It's saying mama. It is. Yeah. Even male hedgehogs can be mamas. That's true. Yeah. The score is currently two points for Tony

and one point for Glenn. But the good news is there's one final question for Glenn. Yeah. And this question is worth two points. Not to worry. Not to worry. Fans of Glenn. Glenn.

Whoever there may be left in the room. Forky. Forky. Forky. We stan a legend. Sorry, Glenn. We've been friends for a long time, but I'm a Forky man. Oh. Your characters

are Wario and Waluigi. Oh. What? I think you mean Wah. Wah. Wario and Luigi.

Yeah, they're upside down Mario and Luigi. Okay. Well, not technically. I don't have one for this. Are they? Competing together in Olympic ice dancing, Wario lands a difficult jump, trick-or-treating together,

one dressed as Princess Leia, one dressed as Slave Leia, and Wario scolds Waluigi? Or are they engaged in Filipino stick fighting, also known as Escrima, and Wario is delivering a mighty blow? You guys had a good time making this up. Well, I'm 38, so I can only come twice in a day

or so. So the first 10 or 15 minutes were super fun. But then after that, I was kind of sleepy. Wow. Is that why you had a blanket on your lap while we were doing this?

Yeah. Wow. I did not know that. I feel like Pikachu. It wasn't a blanket. It was a ShamWow, which is more absorbent. Wick away that moisture. Sorry, Mom.

Yeah. Yes, indeed. Anyway. Keeping your grandchildren fed. I have... Do I still get a lifeline? No. No, you used it twice and you only had one.

Glenn, if you want to ask my mom, Judy, you can. That's her over there. Judy, do you have any idea, A, B, or C, that I could lean on for support, moral or otherwise, for this question? Judy looks very confused

as am I. So I'm going to go with C. Judy says C, I say C. Oh, our champion is Tony Hale! Oh! That is Wario and Waluigi.

Wario dressed as Slave Leia. Waluigi dressed as a standard, you know, cinnamon bun ears haircut Leia and Wario is scolding Waluigi saying ha ha

you look like an idiot and they have trick or treat bags yeah I think they're trick or treat a lot of people would have assumed otherwise that they were like at a con doing cosplay but no they like to go out trick-or-treating. You drew this. You did.

You drew this. I wish I was this gifted. You forget, what I do is the opposite of art. Tony Hale, congratulations. Tony Hale is our champion. Thank you. We got one final segment. We like to open up our phone lines every week.

Wait, hold on, hold on. What? We got one more song. Oh, another song up our phone lines every week. Wait, hold on, hold on. What? We got one more song. Oh, another song. Please welcome back to the stage Pete Fields. All right, thanks everybody. I'm going to play a sort of a slow one. Thanks Jesse and Jordan for having me.

Glad to be here. And here's another. I'm wondering where you are Under a foggy moon How you're keeping warm Under a foggy moon Werewolves at night Under a foggy moon I can hear it moan Under a foggy moon I can hear it moan Under a foggy moon

Well under that foggy moon I'm riding that bridge to nowhere See you when I get there I just don't know when that will be I see that well and the tip of its tail I see that redwood tree Meet me beneath the lighthouse In the bottom Of the sea

guitar solo Well there ain't no more trains In this town To take me away from here Ain't enough money in the payphone, honey Take me away from here Under that foggy moon I'll seal myself away from here.

Headed out to the point, to the point of no return. Well, under that foggy moon, I'm riding that bridge to nowhere. I'm riding that bridge to nowhere See you when I get there I just don't know when that will be I see that whale in the tip of its tail I see that red water Meet me beneath the lighthouse In the bottom

Of the sea Pete Fields everybody Pete Fields everybody Pete Fields yes Bernal Heights Country Music his mom is also here moms moms moms so every week we like to open up our phone lines

people who call us at 206-944-FUN and share a momentous occasion but since we have no phone on stage we are going to do it live there are some people here who have momentous occasion, but since we have no phone on stage, we are going to do it live. There are some people here

who have momentous occasions. If we're going to call your name, step up to the mic and share your momentous occasion with us. Julia L. is first. Julia L. Here's Julia. Come on over. Brian's right here. Hi, Julia. How are you? Are you a San Franciscan, Julia? Santa Rosa.

Santa Rosa. My mom used to teach at Santa Rosa Junior College. I am going there currently. Well, there you go. This is fun. Just learning. Yeah. What's your momentous occasion?

I got a missed sext from my uncle. Whoa! Wait, your uncle accidentally sexted you? Yes, that is correct. Can you read the contents of the sext, or is it a photo? I hope you deleted it right away and then threw your phone away into a fire.

It's up here. Okay. For the at-home listeners, she's tapping her head and saying it's up here. Pointing to her brain. What kind of sext was it? Are you ready? Yes.

We were born ready for this. This is what our whole life has been leading up to. Really lean into the mic, too. I just want to make sure the at-home audience gets this. He said, hey, BB,

like two Bs, you ready to get that pussy licked tonight? Yeah! Wow. Well, dat. Dat pussy

licked. Did he realize it after he sent it? Yes. Oh. Oh. Some hours later, he sent me a text that said, please PLZ disregard.

To wish I sent a response, no shit. Wow. Wow. Julia L. Yes. Wow. Love those nasty uncles. Sue T. Where is Sue T.?

Here's Sue. Come on up, Sue. Let's hear it for Sue. Now, Sue, what did your uncle send you? No, I can't top that, I'm afraid. That's okay. That's okay. Where do you live?

Are you a San Franciscan, Sue? I live in Alameda. Alameda? That's a nice spot. Very live? Are you a San Franciscan, Sue? I live in Alameda. Alameda? That's a nice spot. Very nice. You in the Navy? No, the Navy left a few years ago. Yeah.

You just work at the flea market. Yeah. Yeah, I know some Alameda stuff. I can pander. Sue, tell us what your momentous occasion is. Well, for my job, I work with a lot of authors. I can pander. Sue, tell us what your momentous occasion is. Well, for my job, I work with a lot of authors. And one of them, who's a thriller writer, just published a book this month.

And he named a character after me. Oh, my gosh. And the character is a computer genius who does favors for the detective in the book. And in exchange for doing these favors because it's kind of you know borderline it's a gray area so I guess she can't take any money for it so she is paid in Bundt cake this sounds like a taut thriller I checked and it's actually like one of Amazon's top 100 bestsellers so it's it's actually very good holy cow how do you think this is going to change your life?

I keep telling people to read the book. I say, you really have to read this book and I don't want to give away that I'm in it but so far I haven't heard from anybody who... How do you yourself feel about a bunt? I love a bunt. Yeah.

Who doesn't love a bunt? Who doesn't love a bunt? It's got more crispy exterior, and you don't have to worry about the middle falling. And if you're just getting dessert for yourself, grab a baby bunt. Good idea, Jordan. Thank you for that.

Yeah, treat yourself. Hey, if you're out there, and you're having dessert by yourself, treat yourself to a baby bunt. Sue, thank you so much. Can I tell you something really sweet? Yeah. Last year when we were at SF Sketch Fest,

my dad came out to the show, and Brian just like three days ago found the Momentous Occasion card that he filled out here at the Punchline. And it said, what is your name? And it said, Lee Thorne. And then it said, what is your Momentous Occasion? And he wrote, my children's children.

Now, I'm the only one of his children that has children as far as I know. But I was very grateful for it. Aw, that's really sweet. Can we have Kayla and Robert, please? Kayla and Robert. Here's Kayla and Robert. Now, which one of you is the uncle?

Are you an uncle? I think I'm an uncle. Yeah. Sure. Sounds like Robert's an uncle. Yeah. Sure. Sounds like Robert's the uncle. Kayla, where are the two of you from? We're Texans. Oh, hey.

I don't have anything on that. I'm from Dallas and Houston. I was born in Beaumont. We live here. We lived in Austin after we knew better. Okay. You guys have a fun vibe. You read us correctly.

What are you doing after the show? Let's huff paint. What the fuck? What the fuck? I don't think we always said that. Kayla, what's... Oh, my God. Okay. So, in 1989, we married.

Okay. In Dallas, Texas. Yeah. And we divorced four years later. 1993. Yes. And lost touch for over 20 years. Whoa.

22 years. Got back together four years ago, and on the morning of December 22nd, we remarried. Oh! Wow! Beautiful. Over the intervening 25 years, we got over having grown up in Texas in the 70s and 80s.

And that was no small task. That's why we're so fun now. That was a ride. You have no idea how long the story used to be. How did the two of you get back in touch with each other? Well, she sent me an email message, or a Facebook message, telling me that her brother had moved to Napa, and that she and her entire family were coming to Napa for Christmas,

and would I be interested in seeing her. I happened to be in the hospital at the time. So when I got out of the hospital, I sent her a message, which was the day before she was leaving. We spent the entire night speaking with each other, texting with each other while she was on the plane. How modern. And cell phones didn't exist the last time we had talked. Yeah, yeah, there were no cell phones the last time we talked to each other while she was on the plane. How modern. Which, yeah, yeah, there were no cell phones

the last time we talked to each other. And I convinced her to come by my house because they were going from SFO past Potrero Hill to Napa. It's like two blocks from my house. So stop by on the way. Napa, beautiful country. I think we can all agree.

Anyway. Everybody loves a vineyard. What about Petrero Hill? Yes. Well hey well congratulations. There's parking. Anyway long story short our entire family showed up at my house. Story hasn't been short. Go ahead.

I spent all night cleaning the house. I had taken a shower when they said they were leaving the airport. This isn't short. I had no shirt on. Thank you. Thank you very much. We'll be here all week. Wow.

Love is real. Magdalena. Where's Magdalena? We have Magdalena here somewhere? Here she is. Come on up, Magdalena. Where's Magdalena? We have Magdalena here somewhere? Here she is. Come on up, Magdalena. Magdalena wearing a cape. I like it. Cape it up. Capin'. The rest of you guys didn't get the

cape memo? No, I'm sorry. We're all wearing capes today. I forgot to send that out before I came. Magdalena, it's a joy to have you here. Are you from San Francisco? Actually born in Poland, but raised in the Bay Area. Oh, there you go. Live in the South Bay now.

Excellent. Anywhere near the It's It factory? No. It's a bummer. If I was going to live in the South Bay, I'd try and live near the It's It factory. That factory's been polluting the groundwater. With delicious oatmeal cookies. With delicious ice cream, yes.

So my story is 2014. Magdalena, just get right into it. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry. No, no, no. Don't let us distract you. I'm sorry. You're right.

No, go, go, go. It's your show, Magdalena. Go for it. You called me up here for a reason. You're absolutely right. Go ahead, Mag, no. Don't let us distract you. I'm sorry. You're right. No, go, go, go. It's your show, Magdalena. Go for it. You called me up here for a reason. You're absolutely right. Go ahead, Magdalena. So 2014, the Giants were playing here. It was the playoffs.

And a friend of ours, my boyfriend and I, had tickets to the playoffs and said, hey, do you want to come? And I said, of course, because we're huge Giants fans. And he goes, well, guess what? Season ticket holders get to bring the flag out onto the outfield and so we're like yeah sure why do you want to do that so we show up a couple hours early they're like this is what you get to do do you want to hold the flag and or run with the flag and open it up and i was like of course i want to run with the flag. I want to be there. I want to charge on the field. Yeah, well, earlier that day, my sciatica kicked up.

And as we're running with the flag, and the guy starts playing the national anthem, my hip gives out. I turn to my boyfriend, and I say, go on without me. I'm falling. Wow. And I fell, and they unfold me. I'm falling. Wow. And I fell. And they unfold the flag on top of me.

And they told us, if they do that, you just lay there. Don't do anything until. But be careful, because you can't wait too long. Because as soon as the national anthem is over, people start running to fold the flag up. So you'll get trampled. So I'm laying there. I'm enjoying the national anthem is over, people start running to fold the flag up so you'll get trampled. So I'm laying there, I'm enjoying the national anthem, and I decide I'm never going to get this experience in my life ever again. I start doing angels in the outfield. Then I realize the anthem

is about to be over, and I start looking as to where I'm going to crawl, and I'm literally in the middle of this giant flag. I start army crawling it and I look around and I see my boyfriend who's wearing the orange, like checkered, orange black checkered pants and that's where I knew where to go. And he has literally me, a picture army crawling under the thing coming out to him. And I'm wearing a tutu and I got the giant's hat

and I'm all decked out so. And then the lady at the end said, wow, you did a great fall. That was wonderful. When she saw me come out. That's kind of amazing. Here in San Francisco, we call that even year magic. I would agree.

It was an awesome experience. And I'll never get to do that again, I hope. That story needed an uncle. I know. Yeah. Damn. Just a an uncle. I know. Yeah. Damn. Just a nasty uncle. Magdalena, folks.

Yeah. Our guests on the show, Glenn Washington, host of Snap Judgment. Tony Hale, right here at ACT in San Francisco. Yeah, go see his play. Pete Fields of Trainwreck Riders. And, of course, our moms. Thank you, and good night. Good night.

That was Jordan Jessigo live from the Punchline in San Francisco. Our thanks to our producer, Brian Sonny DeFernandez. He was up there with us. Our thanks to the SketchFest guy who engineered. What was that guy's name, Brian? Do you remember? James. Very good engineer.

Did a nice job. Thanks to James. Thanks to Marcus. That's the manager of the Punchline. Thanks to all the folks at the Punchline. Thanks to my mom For making the trip Thanks to John King, my friend from high school For showing up

What else could we thank? Marina, she also went to my high school Okay, one of the bartenders Gave me a cup of coffee before the show So thank you for that No charge, he said For the talent They don't charge the talent for coffee

Free coffee for talent I should have got jumped up before the show You should have got jumped up, my friend Chug-a-lug Yeah, you were a little low energy Chug-a-lug I meant to mention it, but Chug-a-lug, let's jump it up

Sure, yes What every coffee drinker says before they have that first cup Chug-a-lug, let's jump it up We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.