Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 621: Flip and Powder with Maria Bamford

Episode Date: January 28, 2020

Maria Bamford (Weakness is the Brand, What’s Your Ailment?) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the many and various temp jobs that everyone has had throughout their career, the many ways that Home Depot workers avoid helping people, and future careers that everyone can see themselves pivoting towards.  Maria has a new stand up special called Weakness is the Brand!!    And a new show on the Topics platform called What’s Your Ailment? where she talks to fascinating people like Tom Arnold, Rachel Bloom, Jen Kirkman, and Tig Nataro!  

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Herbal tea Coleman. Oh wow, herbal tea Coleman is here. Hi Jesse. Jesse. Yeah.

How's your world? How's your world? How's your world? Things are going really good for me. Namaste. That's so good to hear. What kind of tea are you drinking today, Herbal Tea Coleman? Herbal? Herbal?

Herbal. Herbal tea. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, wow. Verbal tea. I just got back from my samba lesson. You know the best thing about samba. I don't know. It's just like reintroducing yourself to your body.

Right. Getting to know your body. Hello, body. Do you greet each of your body parts serially? Oh, of course. You have to. Finger. Hello.

Knee. Hello. Elbow. Namaste. Hello, taint. Yummy. How's your family, Herbal Tea Kalman? Well, I don't speak to my father much.

Okay. I consider my lovers to be my family. Wow. We had a lovely vacation this weekend in Tulum. Oh. You can just take the crabs right out of the water. Did you bring your lovers to Tulum? Yes.

We all went to Tulum. How many in the party? Baker's dozen of lovers. You just let the water lap at your knees. Yeah. You just pull the crabs right out of the water. Right out of the water. You just suck the meat.

Sure. Yummy. Sounds beautiful. Did you do anything at night in Tulum? Did you do anything out on the beach, bonfires or anything like that? Oh, we didn't sleep. So night and day blended together. Sure.

Sure. Night and day, just a sea of bodies. Uh-huh. And a sea of crabs. It was yummy. Crabs. It's a crab sea and a body sea, yeah. How's your world?

I'm doing great, Herbal Tea Common, and it's really nice to see you, but could I talk to Jordan, please? Oh, yeah. I'll get him. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jordan. Sorry. My alter ego comes out when I drink herbal tea this year.

Yeah. I hope he didn't say anything weird. No, it was all straight down the middle. Oh, good. As normal as it gets. Because, again, I don't know what he says when he gets here. It was some plain old-fashioned. He was talking about how he admires Tom Brady's work ethic.

Oh, okay. Yeah, he's a big sports fan. Yeah. He was talking about how much he loves to read the weekend section of the newspaper. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, he's a big sports fan. Yeah. He's talking about how much he loves to read the weekend section of the newspaper. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah. Find out all about all the new movies hitting theaters.

Not to mention the local style section. Right. Sure. What's that? You need to look through the real estate listings just for fun. Just for fun. Just check out the real estate listings. Even if you're not looking.

Even if you're not looking. It's just kind of fun to know what's out there. Sometimes I'll go to an open house, even when I'm not in the market, to buy a home just because I'm like, hey, maybe I'll see how the other half lives and possibly get a free cookie. Growing up, my family went to so many open houses. Wait, is that real? Yes, on the weekend. Let's introduce our guest. And I hated it.

Let's introduce our guest because this sounds like a fruitful topic. It's not. I did not know that I touched a nerve with Jordan Morris. Our guest on the program is the best stand-up comedian. She has a brand-new special. It's called Weakness is the Brand. It has a brand new special. It's called Weakness is the Brand.

She also has a brand new streaming television talk show program called What's Your Ailment? It's talking to entertaining people about their mental illnesses. And a new tea towel. Oh, got a tea towel. Maria Bamford, isn't it? Thank you so much, Maria Bamford. Well, Maria Bamford, it's great to have you on the show. We're so thrilled to have you. Thank you for having me.

No, lots of merch available. There's a comic book drawn by my husband, mariabamford.com. So many things are going on. How's your world? Oh, my God. I love this character. And I so much relate. There's so many L.A. people, including myself, I have a feeling it's a part of me that wants to say things like,

God, I've stopped eating sugar and white flour, and I just wonder, will I ever be able to stop talking about it? I can't stop talking about it. That's the one thing I can't stop doing. Namaste, Maria. I greet the God within you. If I feel myself without something to talk about, I just start a new cleanse. You know, people talk about this, about trauma. And the one trauma I have is that I am without trauma.

And I don't mean to tear up. Wow, I didn't realize this is going to come up so quickly. But I haven't had any experience of anxiety or confusion or a lack of confidence. I've had a copious amount of confidence and just joy in my life. Excess. You know, and... Thank you for sharing that, Maria. Thank you. That's yummy.

You know, I used to drink herbal tea until I kind of got off of it. Oh, wow. Smugging herbal tea, Coleman. You know, I learned about the plastics that are in the bags. The bags have trace amounts of plastics. No, no. I just sip water directly from a platter. I do platter-based.

A drinking platter. Jordan, Maria, do you guys ever think about what's going on with the oceans? Oh, I can't stop. I can't stop. I just worry about them. I mean, it's not just fish. It's dolphins. Sure.

Oh, it's turtles. Those goddamn motorboats keep hitting the turtles and the manatees, and they're just floating around. And then what happens? The turtles get hit in the shell, and then they got to go to the turtle hospital because their shell gets an air pocket in it, and then they just floating around. And then what happens, the turtles get hit in the shell and then they got to go to the turtle hospital because their shell gets an air pocket in it and then they can't sink. They can't get out of the ground. You know how barnacles eat with a tiny flagella?

Yeah, yes, yes. If you put a paintbrush in that flagella, they will paint instinctively. They're instinctively creative, the barnacle. I collect the works. Yeah. And we're just killing them. Yeah.

We're killing artists. Right. Sure. Is there anything going well? I have a really good hot yoga class. Oh, no. I just subscribed to Brickbox. I love acorns.

Do you have acorn? Oh, I yeah, I'm trying to, I do feel, I feel like the arts are no longer, or at least I don't think they have ever shifted society as a whole. I'm just realizing this a little late in the game.

Sorry about that. But I think it's important to start multitasking. Do you ever feel like that? Like you need to, I feel like I need to do more things besides, I'm going to do my act. Right. And while I'm doing it, I could do menial tasks, you know, small things. Text likely voters. Stuff envelopes. Yes, stuff envelopes.

I'll clean your glasses. I will do a job search just within the audience, see maybe there's a matching little monster type action within the crowd. Maybe fold some shirts and then take them by JCPenney. Yeah. Put them out. I worked at JCPenney. Oh, really? Yes.

I worked at Nordstrom, and I really liked the folding. I miss the mindless folding. I miss that board you fold around. Oh, I didn't have a board. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, so in the young women's section, which was called, oh, what was it called? Collections, maybe?

Blue Plum? Brass Plum. Brass Plum. Of Macy's downtown. Brass Plum is the Nordstrom one. You're absolutely right. We didn't use a board because they're wasteful. Oh, wow. Brass Plum is the Nordstrom one. You're absolutely right. We didn't use a board because they're wasteful.

Oh, wow. They're made from a very intelligent wood. No, I mean, no judgment. It's just interesting. It's interesting. Maria, I think... It's just everyone's experience is so different, and that's what I love about experiences. Maria, I think the first time that you were on

The Sound of Young America, which was not that long ago, maybe 12 years ago, something like that. If I remember correctly, you were still taking temp jobs from time to time. Oh, yes. Yes, for sure. A few years ago, I signed up again

just to see if I could still get, you know, if I could get a hand in. It's all online now. So I definitely, I got an appointment right away. A friend of mine who went to the same temp agency, he said they remembered me. Because I remember if I was a reference on his resume or something, but Patrick Sussmatch said they said, yeah, oh yeah, Maria Bamford, she would take anything, which is true. I would.

I would. I worked – Is there any – what was the best and worst temp job you ever had? I don't know if anything specific comes to mind. The most painful ones were just sort of – like there was one nondescript legal office for lawyers, obviously, where there was no computer and I sat at this empty desk and no one came in or out. And there was one phone, but it never rang. That felt bad. Sure.

Some of the other more emotionally painful, like when you have a development meeting with somebody at a studio and then the next week you're their assistant. Ouch. I remember I talked to maybe Carrie Kenney, but definitely one of the state people. I think it was Carrie Kenney. Because MTV paid so badly at the time and because there were like 12 members of the state, while the state was on MTV, they were working temp jobs. That's so right. And she said that during that time, she had a cater waiter job that she showed up to and it turned out to be at Viacom. And the bosses of MTV, she had to cater waiter for and they did not recognize her.

Wow. So sad. I was working at NBC and I was on The Tonight Show the night before. I was working at NBC News, local – NBC4. OK. I know Fritz Kuhlman. Yeah. Me too.

Oh, yeah. He was the one who said, were you on the Tonight Show last night I was working at that reception desk the next day and he's like yep gotta get this call I was in a commercial for the local weather I know listeners are sick of hearing me wag my dick about the time I was in a local weather

commercial I love to see that particular dick flop out any excuse to listen if it's an excuse to post the commercial on reddit yeah uh it's great anyway jordan plays a surfer dude oh he wants to know about the way asking asking fritz where the best waves are oh that's lovely anyway did you he's a great guy he loves the arts he did he did one man shows for a long time yes several and uh yeah just a lovely uh very uh productive and creative comedian so but maria what was wrong about the weather though never never seemed to predict the weather yeah it turned out he always has the sheet upside

down right sure which really throws a curveball there mar, what were your best temp jobs in your many temping years? Let me see. I – let me see. I guess I enjoyed – I did enjoy reception desk things where I was just there for a few days so I could shine and I could find out what food was hidden in someone's desk. And then that was a dark side point where I – What are we talking? What kind of food are you finding in desks? Sometimes people have little snack bars or hidden chocolates. Or once I was at a Warner Brothers temp position for a music executive and the person had an application fully filled out to go to clown college.

Wow. And I was like – I haven't mailed it in. I just like knowing that it's there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm out of here. Yeah.

They put on the nose. They honk it. Get in the car with 10 other guys and peel out. How about clowns do? and peel out. I like being, it is nice being sort of invisible and helpful on tasks. I've got to say,

probably the worst one was that Y2K thing where we had to, where there was all this weird panic around computers. I worked at Aramark Uniform Services in Burbank,

still there, right out of the vibe. Aramark, you need a uniform, you need to dress Uniform Services in Burbank. Still there. Right out of the five. Airmark! You need a uniform? You need to dress like a bunch of other guys you work with? Airmark! Right out of the five! And it was so

deeply boring. Like, just... Like, my... The real highlight of my day was when I get a little high because I get to get a Diet Coke. I give myself a treat of a Diet Coke and, you know, an artificial brownie from a machine. From like a vending machine. There's hyper chewy kind of gummy brownies. 7,000 calories.

Receptionist is a real crapshoot of a job. I had a receptionist job. It could not have been better. I worked for a while at a nonprofit where I went from having a real job that was like a – it was like a kind of fellowship-y kind of job. So it had a limited term fellowship-y kind of job. So it had a limited term and they ran out of money and they couldn't keep me on. But that was a little harder. Like I had to do stuff that was challenging, write press releases and that kind of stuff.

And then they were like, well, Jesse, we have to fire you. But the receptionist just left. Would you like to have the receptionist job? The receptionist job was 30 hours a week, the exact right numbers of hours a week to work. Exactly. Gravy. And over the course of the nine months maybe that I was

the receptionist, I managed to like duck and dodge all non-receiving responsibilities. Like they sort of explained to me that they would be adding responsibilities to my job as time went on. But I just managed to just like not be there when someone was walking up with things to alphabetize. You know what I mean? I really put a lot of effort into doing a great job at receiving so that no one could say I was doing a bad job.

I was great at answering the phones, transfer the phone, say hello to somebody who comes in, offer them some coffee. But these are things that happen every 15 minutes. And the rest of the time you can just fuck around on the internet. That, yeah. And I think I was, just as the internet was coming to be when I was, yeah. I just remember becoming more of a play place where I could work on my own stuff. But Maria, what happens when you're a receptionist and someone who controls your job can see your computer screen? Then you're fucked. Then you're totally fucked. Because – but that –

Or what if they catch you and they make you alphabetize things that's the worst job there is but i don't i don't mind a super this actually was the worst i worked at a law firm down on the west side and it was alphanumerical filing of legal briefs that weren't they were like uh cases that were litigation that was very business or just very – I couldn't understand. There was no emotion in the words. I couldn't understand. What was it that happened? Who is at fault? There was no blood on the documents.

I attempt for a minute at a law firm that my wife worked at in San Francisco. And the really intense part about a law firm is billable hours, I feel like. Like there is this thing where every person at the law firm, when you are working on anything related to a specific case, you have to code it in the computer for that case so they can charge the person for your time. And if you're a receptionist, you're getting paid $12 an hour and they're charging $40 an hour or whatever for your filing time, right? But like you have to do it perfectly all the time because that's the only way they get any money. any money. So like you can't waste time at a law firm because everybody is obsessed with not wasting time and they count they count how much time you waste

they're constantly counting how much time. No one counted that at the Trust for Public Land. When you guys were doing. They were glad I was nice. When you guys were doing your first you know round of like I'm at a job I can fuck around on the internet. What was on the

internet at the time? I also I didn't feel like I could fuck around the internet. I don't know. I think I I, yeah, I know, I did do my own projects and stuff. So you know, definitely emailed and check my pager. I had my page. Oh, sure. What if somebody needs my headshot? Oh, yeah, you might have to run a hard copy headshot down to an office somewhere. So ludicrous. But, yeah. Maria had a messenger service, Jordan. Oh, yeah.

Right. Oh, yeah. I just, I don't, I know that I would fall asleep sometimes at work, like in an album. You know, sometimes I'd go and be found. Just sitting up. Just sitting up. That happened a few times. And then a general incompetence, that was one of my reasons I would get fired is I worked at Warner Brothers Switchboards.

And it was just very complicated to me in my brain of like you had to never forget certain people's names who worked for the company and never put them on hold, certain 18 names. I couldn't remember it. And I got fired within I think two days and they made – it was kind of more dramatic like they said, you're never going to work at Warner Brothers again. I was like, oh, all right. But it was a – You don't hang up on Mr. B. Bunny.

Yeah. He made this studio. Yeah. Well, then I think I had a job there right away the next week just because I think with temp agencies, they don't care. They just kind of put you in there. I mean they care. Apple One, Glendale, 818-247-2991. On the topic of sleeping on the job, I went to high school with a guy who like right out of high school started working for Home Depot and I think like still works there.

He's just like a Home Depot lifer. I think it's one of those good jobs. You get benefits. They move you up. And his thing of like why he liked working for Home Depot so much. I think they're good benefits, pretty good pay. Home Depot so much. I think they're good benefits, pretty good pay. But he devised a plan where, you know how there's a part of Home Depot that's just like racks of lumber? He did a thing where he would remove most of the lumber, but then put back one or two pieces of front-facing lumber,

you know, one or two pieces of front-facing lumber, and then he would crawl inside and go to sleep, but cover it up so that no one could see him. He had, like, a blanket and magazines in there. Oh, my God, like a wonderful fort. Yeah, he had, like, a nest, and, like, no one, I don't know why, I don't know, I guess maybe he knew where the popular lumber was. Like, OK, people are less likely to want this kind.

So I can make my lumber nest here anyway. I mean, what's good about that is. Yeah. So in my case, when I was just sending an email to Maria Bamford to ask her to appear on the Sound of Young America's state parks, America's rail to trails projects that were suffering. Yes. In that case, it's just Frank Depot, the owner of Home Depot. Sure, yeah. No, there's no victim here. No victim.

No victim here? No victim. I guess the people come – I guess if you've ever been to Home Depot, it's got to be like up there with like – like Home Depot and Kinko's I regard as the place where you are less – you are least likely to get anyone to help you nicely. Yeah. My father-in-law has worked at hardware stores his entire career. He's like your friend from high school. He got out of high school, got a job at a hardware store and has worked at hardware stores his entire career. He's like your friend from high school. He got out of high school, got a job at a hardware store, and has worked at hardware stores his entire career. And at this point, he is the manager of,

shout out to Jackson's Hardware in San Rafael, California. Great employee-owned hardware store. Nice. But the vitriol that they at Jackson's, people who try to help their customers have for Home Depot because of just the total disinterest in helping you that happens at Home Depot. There's a Home Depot right by my house. And for that reason, there are no hardware stores by my house, other hardware stores, and you go in there and like I cross the threshold and just a single tear forms in the corner of my eye knowing what the daunting challenge

that's ahead of me. Yeah. I didn't – yeah. Well, it seems like – I know when I worked for giant corporations in retail, it's just sort of the lack of training thing where you're not given the training. Like I worked in lingerie at JCPenney and these poor women would come in and be like, do you have a secret? But I have this special.

I'm just like, I was 18. I'm like, oh, my God, you're talking to me about your breasts. Oh, God. I need an adult. I've only got five years with my tits. Was that the first place they put you was lingerie or did you move around? They put me in lingerie and then they put me in a wedding registry, which was again, like I also had social anxiety. So I would, and this was prior to learning to ask for help. I just – if I didn't know where something was, like Precious Moments figurines.

Everybody's collecting them. It's really important to get the right one. Do you have the one where he's holding a beagle? Yeah. Went in the back and I would go in the back and say, oh, we're out of that one. And I would go in the back and say, oh, we're out of that one. It will be coming in next Wednesday when I was not working, which I feel terrible about now. But, you know, I think there is like a learning curve how to have a job and how to ask for help and stuff like that.

Because I think – I don't think I learned until I was like 25 of like if I don't know how to do something at a job, I can ask someone else how to do it. Like it just never occurred to me. I thought you should naturally intuitively understand phone systems. I feel like at the Home Depot, there are two general categories of help. One is you go up to someone and say, where can I find the right adhesive to connect copper and PVC or whatever it is? And that person goes, how the hell should I know? That's one category. That's like a rude person who doesn't know

and doesn't think they should know. And then there's another category where you go up to them and you ask and they say how the hell should i know sure but then it's like a sort of nicer version of that neither knows what you need or where it is also there's the person who who's who's walking down the aisle and they see you kind of with your you know chest out looking around for help and they see you looking and they meet your gaze and then like lightly jog in the other direction. Yeah.

They do like a full on like 80s comedy sketch about cabs not stopping for black people in New York. There's sort of like a swerve that happens, like avoiding eye contact. Yeah. I know I did that as an associate on many retail jobs. I had a furniture store job where I – for two years I worked there in the summer. I could not sell anything to save my life.

I sold a set of bunk beds but that was only because they really wanted them. I am not leaving here without one bed on top of another bed. You know, some people have these jobs figured out though. Sure. That's the thing that – Beautiful. Yeah. I have two friends who during the part of our lives when we had these jobs just nailed it so hard.

I have a friend named Nick, used to be the producer of Bullseye. I have a friend named Nick, used to be the producer of Bullseye. And Nick, when we were 20 and 19 or whatever, he would work holidays at a Macy's. And one time we compared our Macy's notes because I worked at Macy's for a while. And I did fine. You know, like I'm decent at customer service i'm patient with people i help people you know help those people find their tommy by tommy hill figure or whatever but um i would make you know i was making the 12 25 an hour which i was grateful to get you know it's a lot better than making 575 an hour but uh nick was grateful to get. It was a lot better than making $5.75 an hour. But Nick was like, yeah, I made like $9,000 in December.

I was like, what? And he's like, well, I got myself put in the luggage department and I got on the commission track. And of course, when people come in to buy luggage, they spend $3,000. It's like, how did you figure that out yeah and i had i had another friend named adam who had one of those those uh like canvassing jobs you know like like literally the jobs where it's on a telephone pole and it says teens need work pull the thing and it's it's like it was i don't remember he was he was raising money for uh

the sierra club or something like that you know and it was door to door but he's good looking and people would donate money to the sierra club and he like every i know like 20 people who have had that job they all got fired on the second day. Every single person got fired. And he's like, oh no, that summer I made like $17,000. I'm like, how is that?

And I'm like, oh fuck, because you're good looking. You have it all figured out. Yeah. Charm, eye contact, those things are supposed

to help too. Sure. Maybe a soft touch on the shoulder somewhere innocuous. Yeah. Not on the midriff. No.

That's a big problem I had at Macy's. Right. Somebody would ask me where can I find older men's trousers, and I just poke them right in the belly button. I give them the old Pillsbury Doughboy. One out of ten likes it. Give me a little giggle. Let me guide you by your lower back.

Right this way. Let me guide you by your lower back. Right this way. Let me usher you. You smell good. Yummy. Oh, God. But I mean, I don't know. We shouldn't gripe too hard about people who give. Because if you're customers, people are beasts.

People are fucking beasts i'm so grateful that anyone shows up to a job much less has has any um acuity ability yeah at doing it because uh yeah it's it's and it's possible to have a bad day at work i was just thinking you know i i've had some bad days at work uh during uh comedy for sure and um like i i didn't i had a bad show about a year and a half ago where I don't know what I – I just decided not to rehearse, which I need to rehearse before I – and I got some Facebook messages that said, hey, I like your stuff. This show was really below par. And I was like, oh, shit. First I was like, how dare you? I'm in process.

And then I listened to the recording and I was like, oh, I am sorry. It was egregious how many oohs and ahs I was saying. And so I sent them, I offered to send everybody their money back and only one guy asked for it and he said, I'll donate it to a mental health charity. Okay.

Ouch. Wow. But everybody has bad days where you screw up or just showing up is spectacular sometimes. It's spectacular sometimes. Yeah. I mean, I grouse about the Home Depot service, but I wonder what's the Home Depot asshole customer that they have to deal with all day that makes you hard like that? Oh, yeah. Just a hammer fan. Just a fan of hammers.

And he's mad that your hammers aren't the right gauges. I don't know. I think even more than that. Is that how you measure a hammer size, the gauge? Even more than that, they probably just make it such a nightmare to work for the corporation that you could never actually gain enough experience doing it to – like there are ways to build those systems such that it's not a miserable life grinder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Do you guys ever think about doing other jobs besides the jobs that you have right now? Yes. I'm complete – it terrifies me. Really? I think I'm unemployable.

Oh, no. That's totally not true. You're a self-starter. You're the definition of a self-starter. Sure. I'm not another starter though. I'll tell you that right now, Maria. Yeah, I think of things all the time just because I – well, I like to learn stuff.

But I like to think that I have other – it scares me just – especially getting older and show business and going, oh, I may lose some of my – I've been so sharp and such an incredible performer. But just worrying like, oh, can I keep up with it? What else can I do? And I do have other skills. I, you know, yeah. Touch typing. Administrative. Sure.

And I have – I did volunteer receptionist, which I felt terrible. It was at a nonprofit. It was at the Downtown Women's Center. And that is an intense job. Like you're fielding calls from people who are desperate and need housing, which is a massive issue in Los Angeles. So it's like – and there isn't a clear answer. It's not like, oh, just transfer you to gym. Gym knows where the houses are.

It's like, okay, have you tried 17 different things? And then where are you right now? I mean, it was just, yeah. And the fact that it was a volunteer, super shitty, like me, providing those answers who is not i mean is is um but uh i guess it's better than nobody answering the phone sure um so um i my my thing is like ah fuck should i just be should i just be live streaming myself playing video games. Should I be sitting around trying to create stories or should I just get up every day at 9, turn on my webcam, start playing video games and yammering. Just yammering.

I mean you're already a professional yammerer so you're halfway there. Sure. I've been yammering since before PewDiePie even became racist. Jordan, I'm not going to say what you're doing at 9 o'clock in the morning otherwise. Right. But, you know, while you might be, you know, taking the cat for a walk, that's possible. Sure. It's also possible you might be, you know, taking the cat for a walk, that's possible. Sure. It's also possible you might be doing a little gaming.

Sure. I mean, as long as I'm there. I thought you were going to get it. I know, me too. I thought you were going to do a jerking off thing. Oh, no. He knows my jerk off. Yes.

Schedule? Wait a minute. I am a morning jerker. Right. I mean, I like to finish CBS this morning. Right. I like to spend a little time with Gail. Yeah.

I like to finish two CBS this morning. Oh, wow. I like to spend a little time with Gail. Sure, yeah. Right between CBS this morning and Let's Make a Deal. Right. I always do a 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation right before, so then, you know, you really feel it. Right.

So you get the full effects of CBS this morning. Can I say something about Let's Make a Deal? Sure. Let's Make a Deal is often on television when I'm getting my hair cut. Yeah, I think we've talked about this before, how surprisingly entertaining it is and how great Wayne Brady is in it.

Yeah, it's gotten to the point where watching Let's Make a Deal makes me want to get out of show business because I'll never be that good. Yeah. I'm just like, look at fucking Wayne Brady. He's just saying anything that comes to his head and it's all pretty good. It's all good. So yeah, so

check me out on Twitch where I'll be playing video games and then between 8.55 and 9, check me out on OnlyFans.com where I'll be cranking it too. I like to get books from used bookstores about how – like old college textbooks. Like there's one about – like I really – somebody says, well, how do you want to feel when you've had a certain amount of success? I think I always felt like if I achieved everything in comedy or whatever, show business, that I would feel like this calm, giving sense and I would just feel at peace. And then I would genuinely want to help other people.

And I was like, oh, my God, I want to become a nurse. You know, like, wait a minute. I want to get into hospice care. I can get there right now through the assistant nursing program at Pasadena City College. But I did get a used assistant nursing textbook. I've looked through it. I know how important it is to flip and powder. Flip and powder.

Sure. Flip and powder. Flip and powder. Flip then powder or powder then flip? Or does it matter? Jordan, you're playing like you don't know how to flip and powder. I'm just testing Maria. I'm just testing Maria. I know what you do at 855. Sure.'t know how to flip and powder. I'm just testing Maria. I'm just testing Maria. I know what you do at 855.

Sure, you've got to flip and powder. I just, yeah. Well, and then I know I'd have to get back to, I love to read about things, but the social anxiety part of actually doing something like that, of actually having human contact of like pat, pat, patting somebody with a cool washcloth up and down their their hindquarters uh to clean them and then uh help them over to the toity and um and then yeah and create chit chat yeah because i think that's really important in nursing sure is to be i really appreciate good chit chat while i'm having my my blood drawn. I always like – I love a chatty phlebotomist. I love a chatty phlebotomist. Sure.

And I have a shaky hand too, which I worry somehow. But, I mean, I just think there should be no barrier to participate in any job. Sure. No knowledge set, just wanting to do the job. You have a sort of career day mindset. Right. Well, because that of career day mindset. Right. Well, because that's how all careers started out. Sure.

Like in the 1200s or whatever, somebody said, you know what? I kind of want to see what's inside of your body. Yeah. I'll take a look. Yeah. You know, Ed? Yeah. Take a look at that.

Yeah. I had that same conversation with my barber last week. Let me drill a quick hole in there. Sure. Do a little peek-a-roo. I mean, if that's where the evil spirit lives, this will let him out. Him or her. Or they.

Yeah. I had a really – I've had a good experience kind of recently doing a volunteer job where I would work with kids and I'm thinking, oh, this is really great. I really like this. Maybe like this is something I would want to do on a more permanent basis. And then I'm like, oh, boy, I have 13 years of a podcast where I just talk about jerking off. Does this make that impossible? That's a concern for me as well. I often think like I'll get really – I'll start feeling really passionate about an issue.

Right. Now, obviously, as a national public radio journalist, I have no political opinions. Of course not. Why would you? Sometimes deep inside myself, there's a lot of good ideas. You do drink Southern Comfort. Sometimes deep inside myself, there's a little bit of passion. Yes. And I'll get pumped up about something.

I'll think, you know, I'm going to change the world. You know, that was my dad's job. My dad was a full-time professional organizer his entire life. Granted, a deeply problematic alcoholic for much of that. But still, he really did a lot of good in the world. Polish over here, it shines over there. Flipping powder, as they say. Brian's over there.

Yeah. Flipping powder, as they say. And I think to myself, you know what? I'm going to stand up for something while I still can. And then I think, uh-oh, what if they hear my podcast? Yeah. So let's – okay. So, Marie, I think I want to take a page out of the person whose desk you sat at who had the emergency clown app.

Brian, I don't want you to do it, but how quickly can you destroy the archives? Is there a thing where if both Jesse and I turn a key at the same time, every episode just goes and we can start new lives? No matter where Brian goes, he's got a briefcase,

what do you call it, handcuffed to his wrist. Right, exactly, with the codes. So we can just blow the archives, we can start new lives. Don't you think everybody has that kind of online presence past situation now? I don't know.

I think the jobs of the future will have to be a lot more forgiving about people's online hoo-hahs. Our friend, past guest on this show at some point, I think, Hayes Davenport from Hollywood Handbook. Sure. Like, Hollywood Handbook, a wonderful, brilliant, hilarious podcast. Very intense comedy and very very somewhat distressing comedy. And, you know, Hayes has completely dedicated his life to local activism, hosts a great podcast called L.A. Podcast.

I really enjoy listening to, but also is like working on a working on a city council campaign and like working with a homeless nonprofit and so on and so forth. And I just sometimes I just wonder, like, what if these other like dewy-eyed idealists that are hanging out with Hayes talking about how they can solve the housing crisis in Los Angeles. Like turn on that one episode where they went on the Conan stage at – Oh, yeah. At Comic-Con. And Hayes says he was going to play Mrs. Batman. Everyone was just there to get a limited edition Conan Funko Pop figurine.

That's amazing. And so they just, like, what? How could that possibly, you know what I mean? Like, the only guy I ever knew that ran for office when I was a kid was a bank teller. He ran for school board. Now, did he turn out to get involved in some grift and graft later? Yeah. But I always thought he was a nice bank teller.

And there's no – nobody's going to say like, oh, well, I happen to know for a fact that he is rude to customers as a bank teller. Not a concern. So it's a fear of being canceled, right? It's like a fear of like if you went into a different place in the world that they would say, oh, what was said was unacceptable. Whereas the entertainment industry, you could say – Maria, here's the thing. It's not so much – and I don't mean to speak for Jordan. You can correct me if I'm wrong. It's not so much a fear of being canceled as the fact that we don't stand behind our work.

Yeah. I think it's like – you know. If you had to defend your own work. Yeah. I would be on the canceling team. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I know. Well, that's – I guess – and I guess the painful thing about starting a new job at a new genre is that really – yeah, because I remember the sad feeling I had in different corporate environments was like you're wrong. You're not – it's not good that you're here or there are certain parts of you that are filthy. I wasn't worded in that way. I'd love to have skills. My Aunt Gail, best known on this program for her work in the field of husky rescue, well-known for caring for northern breed dogs and replying to Maximum Fun email newsletters, which Stacy Molsky in our office

really appreciates. You know, she'll sometimes, once a year or so, she'll be in Southern California. She'll just show up at our office with a two-legged, one-eyed husky that's living with her and we all get to pet it. My Aunt Gail's pretty impressive. But, you know, my Aunt Gail's in her now mid to late 70s. impressive but you know my aunt gail's in her now mid to late 70s and uh despite being a brilliant woman did not get to go to college uh and you know college type jobs were not accessible to her because of you know institutional misogyny and so on and so forth but my aunt gail could type

like 125 words a minute and she's also uh she's also really good at like organizing things. And she worked at the Natural Resources Defense Council running the office, which is a great job. And because she had skills, she had actual skills. I have no skills at all. No, but you know what? I can't even do a macro. I don't know what a macro is.

Maria, you have an argument. Here's my argument. Okay. Is that all you got to do, I mean, people just want you to be likable and not poop in public. Like, they just. Just keep my poop in private. I think there's. You can do half of that.

There's a low. I think there's a low bar for participation in having any kind of job. Like, I don't know. I think if you show up generally on time and stay the whole time. Sure. I didn't really understand the stay the whole time part of jobs. Yeah. Like, I can just leave almost at the end, right?

You know what I think I could do? 20 minutes, 30 minutes. You know what I think I could do? I think I could get a civil service job. I think this is based on my experience working for the San Francisco Department of Elections. Genius. I think this is based on my experience working for the San Francisco Department of Elections. A job where you take a test at the beginning, then you wait to get a placement. Yeah. And then once you're in, you're in.

You can't be profoundly incompetent. But there's no pressure to constantly be honing your blade. You know what I mean? Right, right, right, right, right. You just got to show up and do what you're supposed to do. It's like if you work at the post office. There's a lady at the post office by my house one time. She tried to sell me pills that you put in your gas tank that make your car get better fuel efficiency.

These aren't real pills. You shouldn't sell those at the – but honestly, she's a nice woman at the post office. She does a good job. Nobody is going to fire her for trying to sell these weird magic pills. She's got a side hustle. Yeah. We all get it. We all do.

This is a job that I think I could – Food around for Grubhub or – I have a multilevel marketing thing. It's called Lot's Daughters. Interesting. Tell me more. It's a biblical story where two girls raped their father. Just have a line of home accessories and lawn ornaments.

That's really cool. That is really cool. I love anything. If you're a foodie, there's the pillar of salt grinder. Exactly. Jordan gets it. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. And I'm Maria, Bucket of Cum. Wow. It's bluer than I'm used to for Maria Bamford, but I enjoy it. Listen, you can't – I just said that because it was so bizarre. My husband and I were at Huntington Gardens, this beautiful, elegant garden. And we tripped over this bucket.

No, no. And we're sitting quietly on this bench next to a camellia bush that was blooming. And I just turned to him and that's what I said. And he was like – he just hugged me. You know when you have weird thoughts come to mind and they just come to your lips? And that – it was a very loving moment because he was like he just he just took it in yeah yeah he's just like yeah it was just like thanks honey glug glug yummy oh i want that i want that and then it didn't come even from anywhere. Like I wasn't thinking about it.

And it just came to the lips. And that's what improv is. Sure. Right. Not surprising your loved ones with disturbing pornographic imagery. While in a serene setting. I'm going to be honest with you. The only thing about that story that disappointed me was that you were Huntington Gardens and not Descanso Gardens.

My preferred gardens. No, why is that? More manageable. Okay. More affordable. Okay, yeah, you got kids. Descanso Gardens got a little train. I hear that.

Yeah, no. I mean, it's a children's paradise. Jordan, what do you prefer, Huntington or Descanso? Gardens of Taxico. Oh, wow. It's a Mexican restaurant paradise. Jordan, what do you prefer, Huntington or Descanso? Gardens of Taxico. Oh, wow. It's a Mexican restaurant. Okay. That might be closed.

I haven't been in a while. Brian's saying Olive Garden. Oh, okay. Yeah, unlimited soup and breadsticks. My aunt loves it there. She has Alzheimer's and she finds it very comforting. Yeah, I believe that. Yeah, yeah.

You go and it's always the same. No need to remember anything. Jordan, the only comfort I ever find is in Walton Goggins' vodka. Right. Character actor Walton Goggins has a vodka. Yes. Here's an ongoing thing on the show that's hard to explain and not satisfying when we do. thing on the show that's hard to explain and not satisfying when we do.

Wait, do you mean the thing is hard to explain and not satisfying or the show? Because either way, I agree. All of the above. Yeah. I don't even know who Walton Goggins is. I'm outside of the- Walton Goggins is maybe best known as the bad guy on Justified. Okay. But in the time since, he has become the star of CBS's The Unicorn alongside Rob Corddry and Michaela Watkins. Oh, Michaela Watkins.

And Rob Corddry is also great. I just know I was in an acting class with Michaela Watkins. That's fun. And our teacher was a smoker, and he smoked so much and so constantly that he had a hose that he smoked into where the smoke went out of his house. Wow. It was sucked out of his house so that it wouldn't bother his wife. Oh my. That's wild.

Okay. Walton Goggins also... Good in the hateful eight. Good in the hateful eight. He's an intense-eyed southern man. Nice. Who has really nothing to do with vodka in any reasonable lifestyle sense. Except that he enjoys it. Well, apparently so.

And he's an – he has a vodka – he has a spirits company. Yeah. For reasons that are – will be unsatisfying and let's face it, not funny. Yeah. Are having people write Walton Goggins vodka jingles. Yeah. Really, it really comes down to my eight, nine-year compulsion to sing the Danny DeVito Limoncello song whenever I get the opportunity. cello song whenever I get the opportunity. And then also Jordan singing the words

Walton Goggins has a vodka to the song from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Can I take a crack at it? Yeah. I like his vodka, I like his acting. I like

to drink and I like snack acting. I like to drink and I like snacking. I love Bob Goodknocking. I love character work and I love to drink. I love to drink. Oh, Maria fell asleep on the job. That's the whole thing. It knocks you out. And I think we...

And people can't smell it on you, so they don't know you're having a problem. I'm feeling a little peckish. I need to do some ensnacting after this. Ensnacting. That's the only reason people get into acting, is for the snack thing. We thought we were done with this segment, but Brian told us that there is a Walton Goggins vodka. We got a great one. We got a great one a couple weeks ago from a guy who did a full version, too long, frankly,

but a full version of Zoot Suit Riot by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies about Walton Goggins vodka. He did great work. I don't remember exactly what his name was, but he sat with my mom at the punchline when we did a show at SF Sketch Fest. I'm going to say his name was, this is the name of a minor league catcher the Giants just signed, not his name, but Chadwick Trump. Okay. And I'm going to say John Elephant. Oh, that's a good name. I'm going to call him Angel. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a good name. I'm going to call him Angel. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. Angel of the Evening. Yes, yes. That's so sweet. I love to make up songs. That's good times. Brian, do we need any context on this song? Or are you just going to go ahead and hit play on it?

Well, so this one is also very long. So I clipped the first verse in the chorus for you. So we'll play that and then if you like it, we can play the whole thing if you want. But we can post it. We'll post it on MaximumFun.reddit.com

in the episode. There you go. So this is by Leet Stetson. Okay, I'm going to turn my chair right now. Well, I heard there was a vodka brand created by an actor man who's accomplished both in comedy and drama. But you, you tried to drink a fifth

And now you're falling off your tits It must be quite a delicious tasting vodka Walton Doggins has a vodka Walton Dog's As a vodka Yeah, that was really moving. Beautiful. No, that made me re-embrace the whole Hallelujah catalog.

You know, the covers, just because you've heard it so much it almost loses its magic. Yeah, it was maybe a little overused in movies for a while, but I mean, I think it's back. It's back. Because of this. It's really beautiful.

Do you think Walton Goggins vodka could bring back bad to the bone? As far as just like cliche? Yeah, maybe. Cliche needle drops? G-g-g-g-gogs. So maybe, I think, is the answer. You had the vodka, right? I did have the vodka.

I had the vodka recently. Very smooth. Yeah. That is a part of business plans now, though. You put things out that people might associate with your name, like put out a wine or a notepad collection. Or a tea towel, for instance. Or a tea towel.

You got that right. MariaBanford.com? Yeah. I don't even know what tea towels are for, but I just like the idea that they're – I have tons of them at home. Right. And they're just cloth and they're very pretty. I agree. No, it's a lovely tea towel.

I like a tea cozy. Sure. Keep that pot hot. Ooh. Sure. Keep that pot hot. Ooh, keep that pot hot. Right, cozy. So Brian and I- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Bucket of cum.

Bucket of cum. Bucket of cum. Brian, when something- It's funny, you could do it, you could say it aggressively. Yeah. Bucket of cum. Or bucket of cum. Do you think we could get Goggins

on Jordan Jesse Go? We got, no! No way! We got Patrick Warburton. That's true. I mean, it took us 10 years.

Yes, that's true. It depends on what part of town he lives in. We got Maria Bamford! No, no. And if he lives close by,

and if he's got, if you promise him some sort of snack, or some sort of thing where you go. And if it's about the vodka and about all the songs, I think that's an in. We got a Max Funster here named Patrick. This guy brought donuts. Maybe we just keep the donuts here until Goggins comes. Oh, yeah.

We dig a hole, but we lay a sheet over the hole to where it looks like part of the ground. And when Goggins goes to get the donuts, he falls into the hole. Oh, I thought we were going to make sort of like thousand-year eggs out of the, or what's that, Scandinavian fermented fish? Oh, no. I want to trap him like Bugs Bunny traps the Tasmanian devil. Either way, I think it could work.

Yeah. Let's try one, then try the other. Why not? Oh, I'm really excited for you and for him, just because it seems like this vodka brand needs a bump. It does. I think it does, too. And you know what?

Goggins needs a bump. He needs the Jordan Jesse Go bump. Sure. Yeah. He's only got the one network TV show. Yeah. Well, and the HBO show. And the HBO show.

So he's only got the two shows and some film roles. But that's so fleeting. It is. And, you know, one, I mean, we all know one day you're up, next day you're not. That's true. So, yeah, there's a circle of life in L.A. and he may be coming off. Yeah. The sun could be setting on his –

The Goggins empire? The Goggins empire. I listen to – I'm going to put it this way. I listen to Walton Goggins on Fresh Air. It was a fascinating conversation. I'm not going to lie to you. Terry Gross and Walton Goggins had a great convo. Okay.

But those are edited interviews. And I think I heard, I've got to practice here because I'm a public radio producer myself. I think I heard him say, hey, Terry, can you introduce me to Jesse? Right. Whoa. Give nice headphones. You can hear that. Yeah.

And I promised if he's on the show over the course of the show, I will drink an entire bottle of the vodka. Oh, my. See, these are all added value to the celeb. If you get a car pickup. I mean, those are just a couple of treats. Scoot that in there. He's here. He's going to come down.

I mean, if – I'm so excited. Yeah. It's exciting. It's exciting. He's going to come down. I mean, if – I'm so excited. Yeah. It's exciting. It's exciting. Yeah. Look, are we excited to have Maria Bamford here? Yeah, of course. Of course we're excited to have Maria Bamford here.

But we are positively tumescent over the prospect of getting Goggins in here. Oh, it's so wonderful. When something momentous happens to you, like Goggins finally comes in and appears on your podcast, we ask you to call us and share it with us for our segment Momentous Occasions. The telephone number is 206-9844-FUN. You can also, this being the 21st century, Jordan, just email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. That's easy as fuck to remember, Jordan. JJ Goe, well, those are the letters from the name of the show.

Right. Don't send them to spy at maximumfun.org. Stop podcasting yourself. No. Dave and Graham aren't going to know what to do with it. Sure. Are some people constantly trying to input special moments? Like, you know, yeah.

It's a popular segment. Some of these fuckers well i'm just wondering we're grateful for all our calls brian combs through them for us but what kind of pitch usually works well it's got to be fresh got to be fresh got to be new you know we've been doing this for a while okay um so you know a lot of the momentous occasions we've done is it is it your usual momentous occasions? Is it sort of like births, deaths, achievements? Well, those are 10 years in the past.

We've done them. Yeah, those are all gone. We used those up. We bought a house. I just got a new job. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you got a new job, you better be the fucking pilot of the Goodyear Blimp. That's all I have to say.

Okay, okay. Let's get serious about these fucking momentous occasions. But, you know, people are still out there doing weird sex stuff for the first time. Oh my gosh, that's wonderful. They can share. Up the butt. We have gotten a few up the butt. Yeah, we've gotten up the butt pretty well covered.

I want to hear about F in the AP. If you're out there doing F in the AP. What's that? Oh, L in the AP? Yeah. That is fascinating. Yeah, you get college credit for the AP. Who cares?

That seems so hard. Brian, play a call. Play a call. Well, you have to use a lot of lube, I guess. Well, hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Mary. I'm calling from Durham, North Carolina. Pause the show, Brian. I work at a call. Play a call. Well, you have to use a lot of lube, I guess. Well, hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Mary. I'm calling from Durham, North Carolina. Pause the show, Ryan. I work at a bakery.

Here's the truth. If you call in with an accent like that, you're in. Your momentous occasion could be, I didn't step on any cracks on the sidewalk on my way to work so my mother's back is fine. Or the alligator got out of our backyard. You can either way.

Either pole of... If you've got a voice that sweet... If you have a southern accent and you're saying, well, hey, at least say, well, hi, so you can get the cat from the YouTube video. Have you seen that cat, Maria? No, I have not.

Well, hi. I am missing out on so much of the internet. Yeah. Brian, go ahead. Yeah, play the call. Well, hi. I am missing out on so much of the Internet. Yeah. Brian, go ahead. Yeah, play the call. Well, hey. Well, hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Mary.

I'm calling from Durham, North Carolina. I work at a bakery here, and I just had a customer come in, very polite, British-accent gentleman. And when he ordered his pastry, he opened up his briefcase. And inside the briefcase was a pair of British flag socks and a banana. And that's it.

Have a great day. I love you. Wow. Yay! Wow. Yay! That is... That's good.

That is special, yeah. The sun never sets on the British Empire, Jordan. Sure. And now I also want to know details. What did he order? Did he stay to eat or drink? Yeah, so much I want to know.

Did he use the bathroom for a long time? Yeah, yeah. You know why the British were so successful as colonialists? Always had a banana with them. Never short on potassium. Right. So they don't have cramps. Yeah.

Avoiding cramps. It's a great snack if you're a little cranky in between meals. Banana. Could you imagine- It's going to be better than a banana. Could you imagine staring down the Spanish Armada and you got yourself a Charlie horse? I would hate that. I can hardly imagine such a nightmarish situation.

That's so interesting. I like that he- Well, imagine such a nightmarish situation. That's so interesting. I like that he – well, I just like that he showed her and that people don't always share things about themselves so willingly. I imagined him going – first of all, I imagined a hard attaché case. I imagined click, click, the sound it makes when the thing's open. And then he opens it facing him and turns it around and says, we both know what this is about. Yeah. I bet it was a ham and cheese croissant.

Oh, yeah. You know what? I love ham and cheese croissant. Yeah, it's great. I don't love ham. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Best in a croissant. I don't love ham, but a ham and cheese croissant. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Best in a croissant.

I don't love ham, but a ham and cheese croissant. I'm going to tell you, it's a waste of calories. Hot fudge sundae every day of the week. Go Buckets! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, show podcast on the MaxFun Network called Go Fact Yourself. True. Correct. The show is all about celebrity guests answering trivia questions about things Jake Heath enjoys. False. We sometimes don't talk about

baseball or cats. Thank God. It's questions about things they enjoy. Next, we bring on surprise experts every episode. True. Correct. Final question. It's just the two of us sitting alone with these guests. False. Correct. We have a live audience at the Angel City Brewery. See? You can hear Go Fact Yourself every first and third Friday of the month.

And if you don't listen, you can go fact yourself. True. Hi, I'm Renee Colbert. I'm Alexis Preston. And we're the hosts of the smash hit podcast, Can I Pet Your Dog? Now, Alexis. Yes. We got big news.

Uh-oh. Since last we did a promo, our dogs have become famous. World famous. World, like, stars on the Hollywood Walk. Okay. Second big news. Mm-hmm. The reviews are in.

Mm-hmm. Take yourself to Apple Podcasts. You know what you're going to hear? We're happy. It's true. We're a delight. A great distraction from the world. I yourself to Apple Podcasts. You know what you're going to hear? We're happy. It's true. We're a delight. A great distraction from the world. I like that part a lot.

So if that's what you guys are looking for, you've got to check out our show. But what else can they expect? We've got dog tech, dog news, celebrities with their dogs, all dog things. All the dog things. So if that interests you, well, get yourself on over to Maximum Fun every Tuesday. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Maria Bamford. Maria Bamford has a new comedy special. This is from our friends at Comedy Dynamics. We got a new comedy special. This is from our friends at Comedy Dynamics. Yes. They got a new comedy special. It's called Weakness is the Brand. Yes. This is on your platforms.

This is on your iTunes. Yes. This is on your Amazon. Amazon Primes. Primes. This is on all these platforms. And I've watched the special. Oh, that's pretty good. I've watched the special. Oh, that's pretty good of you. I've watched the special, Jordan,

and I promise you this, you won't see a funnier stand-up comedy special. You know why? Best in the business. I believe it. Best in the business right here. I agree. I agree.

Best in the fucking business. And then... What? Well, you're going to watch that. You're only getting an hour or so of Maria Bamford. You're going to be thirsty for more. You're going to be thirsty. What do I watch next?

You're going to be saying to yourself, well, why not tune in to What's Your Ailment on Topics? Yeah. Now, I'm going to be frank. I don't know what Topics is. But I have watched What's Your Ailment? Watched an episode with our friend Rachel Bloom. Oh, she's wonderful. It's Maria with no shoes on.

Yeah, interviewing people. Sitting on a couch with her feet up on the couch like an animal. Making eye contact. Like a monster. And the great Rachel Bloom, they're sipping herbal tea and talking about their mental health issues. This show is funny. It's insightful. And you know what?

I felt like by watching it, I was engaging in self-care. It is one of the cheapest forms of mental health that you can get is getting a subscription to Topics, perhaps just as useless as going to the free clinic. And if I can put that forward as a promise. I cannot recommend either of these things. Our friend Andy Kindler is in an episode. Yes. Who else you got on there? We also have noncommittees with Ellen Sachs from the USC School of Law where she is one of the only out people who are professionals.

She's a lawyer with many degrees. She wrote a beautiful book called The Center Cannot Hold about her experiences. She has schizophrenia and just unbelievable human being and person. And so we interview her. We interview Tom Arnold, who, of course, is a live wire and willing to talk about anything. Can I tell you, I had Tom Arnold on Bullseye a few years ago. Oh, wow. Okay.

And Tom Arnold, the minute you start talking to him, you're like, oh, this is why he was like starring in movies and stuff. You're like, this person is unbelievable. Yeah, yeah. This is an amazing person. Like, the amount of things going through his head and hilarious things completely wild like totally like shake you to the ground childhood stories. Oh, my god. Like anything.

And he's just like right there. He's like, let's go. Yeah. Yeah. And his heart on his sleeve like really – yeah. And his heart on his sleeve, like really – yeah, I mean I love the principle of open because of childhood experiences of being left alone with somebody who wasn't safe., yeah. Tig Notaro. So good. Jen Kirkman. Okay. Love her.

She's very good. That's our friend. We did dueling mother impersonations. You and Jen Kirkman, two of the best mom impressions in the business. Well, we both decided that the reason you do it is so that you have some sense of intimacy with your parent. Like that sense, I feel this closeness to my mom. Also a control over our relationship of I get to say what she's saying. Wow.

And yeah, so that was, that's what was so interesting that came out of that. And yeah, so and and many more yeah this sounds like the perfect streaming program for jordan jesse go fans you had so many of our favorites on there yes and uh again of course uh hang up dial 9-1-1 uh that's the best form of um health care or even if even if you get really shitty help this is my argument, sometimes that can trampoline you into a better space. Like I remember I went to the GLBTQ Center for free therapy when I first moved to L.A. And I was like really terrible. I was out of medication and I was close to living in my car and I was telling the woman this, you know, I just got mugged.

And she said, oh, my God. So what are you going to do? And she was so terrified that I'd actually I was like, you know, I'm going to be fine. Holy cow. Should I check back on you in a couple of weeks so you never know what you know shitty help how helpful it might be

I went to a therapist online betterhelp.com who said she texted me and she said Christine of course you're stressed you just had a baby and it was helpful. It was helpful. Weirdly helpful.

I was like, yeah, I just, well, Christine just had a baby. Yeah. You know what? What am I worried about? Christine's out there changing diapers. Yeah. Trying to have a career too. Trying to have it all.

And think about how stressed my poor therapist is that she's toggling clients on her phone. They're all texting at the same time. Everybody needs something. Wow. So good. And there's a lot of great merchandise available at your website. You have a lot of cool stuff up there. Oh, God, yes.

The tea towel we've mentioned. Tea towel. We've got a comic book about my husband created based on a story of our love as told by our two dogs. I should have brought you one. And it's called Hog Book and Laser Eyes. And it's been well-reviewed on a couple of comic book sites. Your husband, Scott, very talented artist. Yes.

Very gifted artist. Thank you. And I'm not just saying that because I ran into the two of you at Whole Foods once. And now anytime I go to that Whole Foods and I don't see them, I'm disappointed. We're in there. At the hot bar. We like to go and get all the vegan stuff and then pick up a bucket of fried chicken on the way home. Maybe a bucket of cum.

While you're getting bucket of cum. Oh, God, yes. While you're getting buckets of stuff. If you're wondering what's on that Popeye's chicken sandwich. Sure, yeah. It's actually the brioche butt. Is that what makes it so good? I haven't tried that delicious sandwich yet. Brioche?

I mean, it's just a... You know, I had it. It is as good as everyone says it is. I think it's just a good piece of chicken. It's a nice piece of chicken that you're not used to getting at a fast food place. It's juicy, tender, got a couple pickles on there. Yeah. Lives up.

Not homophobic. No, it's not homophobic. You can get it on a Sunday. Their coleslaw's pretty good there, too. Ooh, I love slaw. Popeye. Yeah. So, I don't know.

Yeah. If you're in the market for a chicken sandwich, Popeye's. I know, cold take, but that Popeye's chicken sandwich is real good. I feel bad talking about this without Elliot Kalin here. I think he's gone on record as saying he likes pieces and he doesn't like sandwiches. Okay. Great. Interesting.

Great. I just didn't want to get into Popeye's without EK. Yeah. That's his name. Friend Elliot Kalin, famous Popeye's lover. Maria Bamford, the special is called Weakness is the Brand. Thank you. It refers to her essential tremor.

Yes. It is. A brilliant fucking piece of work that you should go into iTunes and pay your $4.99 for or whatever. Just do it. It's worth it. I promise. You've got to have – I mean preorder it because then you know you have it. Yeah.

It'll feel good. You'll feel a sense of security knowing that you have it. And then also invite friends and family over that you're having kind of – you know, kind of a comfortable relationship with and just see how it goes while watching it. A good piece of advice. See how it goes. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. You can find us at MaximumFun.reddit.com where I think there's going to be that whole Goggins song.

Yeah, we'll put up the whole Goggins song. We will throw it up there on the Facebook page. Thank you to everybody who's contributing Goggins songs. We love them. I there on the Facebook page. Thank you to everybody who's contributing. Goggins songs. We love them. I love these Gog songs. When we get Goggins in here, we're going to play him a few of these songs, and he's going to be our friend. I swear to God.

He'll have a lot of fun. We're going to have a lot of fun. You know what I bet? I bet Rob Corddry would forward an email to Goggins for us. Well, and you never know. If somebody's a raging extrovert who loves to hang out, you know, might love a...

That's true. You never know. That's true. Maybe he just wants to get real. Oh, God. He's tired of those stuffy NPR interviews with Terry Gross

and he wants to just get raw and real with two bros and a bucket of gum. Yeah. Hashtag it, JJ Go on Twitter and maxfundstore.com for that roll-em shirt.

This is the last week. Last week. You have until the end of the month and then you're fucked forever. You can't get the shirt ever again. You're going to be so fucking sad on February 3rd. Right. You're going to be so fucking sad on March 12th. But they could make their own shirt if they wanted on the side of Cafe Plus.

They could. They could. But they won't. They could. What do you think we're running here, Fugazi? I'm so sorry. You think this is a punk rock operation? I always tell people to make your own fucking merch.

There you go. Come on. DIY. I can't. You can't DIY. Take a piece of masking tape. Book your own life. Book your own life.

Especially with these checked baggage fees. Yeah. It's just not going to happen. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. Well I heard there was a vodka brand created by an actor man who's accomplished both in comedy

and drama. But you you tried to drink a fifth. And now you're falling off your tits. It must be quite a delicious tasting vodka. Walton Goggins has a vodka. Walton Goggins has a vodka. You bet it's strong, more than 80 proof.

You better stay the hell off the roof. I'm afraid you'll fall and suffer major trauma. I'll tie you to a kitchen chair till you sober up I'll leave you there until your lips no longer smell like vodka Walton Goggins

has a vodka Walton Goggins has a vodka. You know that we've been here before. I've cleaned your puke off the floor and held you while you cried out for your mama. I don't want to hear you cry at night. Just go to bed, turn off the light, and dream of having more Mulholland vodka.

Walton Goggins has a vodka. Walton Goggins has not marijuana. Walton Goggins has a vodka. Walton Goggins has a vodka. Has a vodka