Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 622: Kite Squirrel with Andy Kindler and J. Elvis Weinstein

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

Andy Kindler and J. Elvis Weinstein (Thought Spiral podcast) join Jordan and Jesse for a truly wild episode with a cavalcade of characters and a discussion of the best and worst mints from everyone's childhood, Jordan's recent squirrel sighting, and terrifying movies that parents let children watch. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Well, we're having fun in here already, Jordan. I'm not gonna lie to you. The fun has already begun. The fun has already begun, and it's not gonna get better than it just was before we hit record. Yeah, audience, you missed it! Yeah. why didn't you tune in 10 minutes sooner i don't know why the audience

doesn't tune in for the pre-show yeah what's their problem well i mean we're fun right from the second we walk in well you know i think people think it's going to be like the red carpet to the oscars oh you know who are you wearing wasn't it fun to work with blah blah blah. But no, that's where the good stuff at this show is in the pre-show. They could check out what I'm wearing. Right. I'm wearing an Oscar-nominated shirt today, Jordan. And they can get my thoughts on what it's like working with Jesse. Yeah.

It's a lot of fun. He's a real prankster on the set. My shirt, at least. Working with my shirt. Sure. You know, you and I went to on the set. My shirt, at least. Working with my shirt. Sure. You know, you and I went to see the movie Knives Out. We did. And I was taken by some of the shirts that were worn by James Bond from the movie James Bond.

And I called my shirt guys. I sent them some pictures. I said, can you make me a shirt like this? You weren't Stan and Chris Evans' sweater? That was the big guy. That was the big guy. Look, it's a nice sweater. Everybody loves an Irish.

That was the big clothes star from that movie. An Irish fisherman's sweater. It had its own Twitter account. Can you believe this? A Twitter account for a sweater? Random. Yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, we're having fun. We sure are. One of our guests did a bit. Let's introduce the guests and then we'll describe the bit. Yeah, their podcast is called Thought Spiral. Thought Spiral Podcast. You looked at me like maybe it wasn't

that. Returning to the program, the great Andy Kindler. I'll agree with that. His first time on the program, the great J. Elvis Weinstein. Why, hello. How are you, J. I'll agree with that. His first time on the program, the great J. Elvis Weinstein. Why, hello. How are you, J. Elvis? I'm great.

How are you? Jelvis? Jelvis works. Great. It's fun to say. Andy, in addition to doing a great bit to start off the show, or to start off the pre-show,

I guess I should say, brought us all a soft mint. He has soft mint. That's what they call you without your shirt. Andy, soft mint Kindler I just want I consider my upper body just a soft place for anyone to fall or is it a safe place to fall

what's that from safe place to fall I don't know sounds like a cure album I still love the cure I don't know why I said I still I'm continuing to love the cure well I mean I don't know why I said I still. Yeah. I'm continuing to love The Cure. Well, I mean, I think, you know.

Because it's vaguely medical. Right. I happen to know for a fact that one of the children of the famous spider Anansi the spider, the African spider god, is a soft spider on which Anansi falls, on whom Anansi falls softly after Falcon grabs Anansi. This is a bit of a really fun journey into myth. Yeah. I'm sorry, Jesse. You actually believe that to be true, though, right?

Hey, Joseph Pinball. I didn't mean to. Take it back a notch. I didn't mean to call your belief system a myth. I believe in Kwaku Anansi. Sure. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Am I getting old or are these references, these future references? Are these 2020.2.020? Yeah. I don't know if you've heard the latest single by Cardi B featuring Anansi. Yeah. Here's my question. Yes. This is a question for you.

He heard it as a Nazi. Didn't you? He wasn't saying Nazi? No, he was saying something else. You were not saying Nazi each time? Anansi. Oh, my God. Anansi.

This is when the doctors told me at an early age when I thought I was reincarnated as Anne Frank that if it gets this bad, that part didn't bother them. Yeah. But if it gets to where you hear things like enunciate, enunciate. Andy, here's the real question here. It better be the real one. Why are you traveling with enough pillow mints for a group? Well, that's a good,

here's what they do in the political shows all the time. Well, that's a good question. Yeah. Should we explain what a pillow mint is? Jordan, how would you characterize a pillow mint? Like a peppermint, but it has a lot of crags. That's what I like about it. You know me.

I'm a texture guy. Yeah. I love textures, and alternately, I'm turned off by textures. I'm texture sensitive. Finally, I said to him last night, I know you like texture, but you're going to have to go back to your own bed boom wow that was a homophobic joke in this scenario are we sharing a cabin

I don't know it's like a homophobic yes we're sharing a cabin and I crawl into your sleeping bag and I had the rhythm of and he offers you a mint and my rhythm is if I could do that I'd never leave the house. Right.

That's the rhythm of the whole thing. Yeah. Thank you for clarifying. That's a 2-4. Is that a 2-4 beat on that? Yeah. That's all I do now. I've been writing some jokes in 7-4 time now.

Oh, wow. With the passing of Neil Peart. Right. Someone has to keep up the interesting time signatures. I want you to bartender went to a bartender

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a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bartender a bart the jokes he's not telling. That's right. Andy, a pillow mint has a nice texture. A pillow mint is soft and you suck on it and it kind of gets these natural crags, these natural peaks and valleys. And it's- Tongue catchers, I like to call them. Tongue catchers.

Yes. It is fun for the tongue. Oh, they're fun for the tongue. You just run the tongue all up and down the natural crags of the mint and it's great. Well, you know, it's from, it brings to mind for me, my sister and I. My sister bought it because peppermint is – she's had every disease known to man and several others. I don't know. And we thank her for her service.

And so she – these peppermints are unbelievable for – any peppermint-based thing is good to relieve nausea. And so she sent me a bunch of these things. But these remind me of when I was on the East Coast and you have the restaurants and they have a dish in the front and they have like, those mints would be like free. But do they have, but on the East Coast, do they have a pillow mint or do they have like a starlight mint, a hard mint? No, from my restaurant, I remember in Queens, it was like they were loose, like before people were poisoned from things, like razor. Before the kids got into razor.

There wasn't even a spoon. It was like for animals. That's right. No, there was a spoon. And that's where I thought I was the only one who ever had those when I was a kid. I imagine them being from Kentucky, maybe. That was my imagination of where a pillow mint is from.

Oh, you don't think that's a big city? A humid climate. You think of that as small town. Wow, look, I'd like to get one of them pillow mints. Yeah, that's exactly what I was imagining. I was imagining Andy Kindler doing a bumpkin voice. I'm awfully thirsty. Y'all want some soft mints and a Coke?

Some Cokes? And by the way, if anyone needs a dialect coach. Maybe James Bond could have used one for his big rolling knives. We're going to get to the bottom of this. But the bit. We have to talk about the bit. No, hold on. We're talking about the mints first.

Right. This is going to be our- We have to squeeze every drop of conversation out of the mints. Remember when the New York Times had that thing where you typed in what word you used for the strip of grass and trees that runs down the middle of the street and then it told you what part of the country you were from? Yeah. This is going to be our that. Okay. This is going to be the biggest viral hit of the century.

Jay Elvis, where are you from originally? I'm from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Do they have pillow mints there? Oh, yeah. Oh, great. Really? They make a pillow mint, but they also get your reception sticks occasionally. Wait, what's a reception stick?

Those would be those chocolate-covered stick mints. Oh, I like those. Chocolate-covered stick mints? Oh, you know what those are. I can't picture it. I don't have any idea. No, I've never seen the mint. Yeah, two native Californians.

AKA a reception stick. More of a starlight mint, I've never seen the mint. Yeah, two native Californians. A.k.a. a reception stick. More of a starlight mint, though. Less pillow mints. A starlight mint is a garbage mint. Agreed. Right. It's hard, right? I guess I can't picture a starlight mint.

A starlight mint is where you get in a- That's the red and white swirl. Yeah. Oh, okay. Like the classic Brock's assortment. Right. Ooh, boo on that. And those can be not just-

Those are tongue slicers. Those can be tongue slic can be not just, those are tongue slicers. Those can be tongue slicers. Right. But I mean, I like it because I like a little danger. Oh, wow. I like the danger that comes with sucking on those mints. It's got a little more bite than a pillow mint. Sure.

A little more bite. Yeah. I like a Winto Green Lifesaver. It makes sparks. I do not like. I'm sorry to interrupt you. The Winto Green makes the thing, right? Yeah.

It's a terrible mint. The sparks are good. That's all I care about. The sparks are good, but the flavor is bad. The flavor is bad, and the portion's so small. Yeah. I'll say this. When it comes to making a little light in the dark,

Winto Green Lifesaver, pretty good, but I like it when I'm unwrapping my Breathe Right strip. As the two sides of the paper come apart, often it's dim in my bathroom as I'm doing this. I'm headed to bed, take those two pieces of paper apart, a glorious light show. I've never experienced that, and I have opened the strips. I've never looked, I guess, as I was doing it. Yeah. One time a lot of science people on Twitter explained to me why, but I took my general approach to science, which is, yeah, sure, I believe you.

Sounds cool. Sounds like you figured that out. Yeah, but they bought into that the Breathe Right was working, the scientists. That didn't concern them. I love the Breathe Right. The guys put Breathe Right. The Breathe Right works. It does work?

Breathe Right is an amazing device. Mr. National CPAP Association spokesman over here. And I would say I have the most Jewish nose in the room. You know what I'm saying? Fair, fair. The most Horshakian nose. That's my big fear as a kid. I just thought I look like a Jew,

and that's what I feel like all the time. But, I mean, if the person you were comparing yourself to was Horshak, that was a pretty... He was the most beloved sweat hog, I would say. Right, but it's this fear of – And he was Italian in real life. Oh, that's one of those things. Like you find that out and it just makes you sick. Was the character Jewish?

Ron Palillo. No, Ron Palillo was – I mean, Horschak I believe was Jewish. Oh, I – yeah. But Ron Palillo was not. People used to think I was Jewish. Much like the reverse where Arthur Fonzarelli, Italian, Henry Winkler, Jewish. So it all evened out. Yes.

And that's a great bit from Gilbert is how did they decide on him? How did he get the part? Fonzie? I have a perfect, short Jewish man. He's perfect. He just goes through this whole thing like- Find the smallest Jew. Find the smallest non-threatening Jew.

So the bit, Jordan. So what's the theory about mints and point of origin? I mean it sounds like we just – there are truly – feel like a novelty to me still in California, right? The pillow mint? Yeah. Well, I mean, I know growing up, like, after you left a restaurant as a Californian, instead of the little dish of mints, you had a dish of doobs. Yeah. Spark that doob.

Spark the doob. Wow, man. You're getting your Jeep, put the top down. That was Ronald Reagan's policy. Right, a doob in every bowl. Yeah. Good old, good old Blazin' Reagan, they called him. It's 420's policy. Right. A dupe in every bowl. Yeah. Good old blazing Reagan, they called him. It's 420 in America.

Right. But did you grow up, there was Starlight Mints in Orange County, right? Yeah. I would say that maybe that kind of mint, that kind of hard mint you're describing was the most common mint. And like occasionally maybe you'd get a pillow mint. I associate it with like a place you take get a pillow mint i associated it with like a place you take grandma for a nice prime rib oh wow if there's a if grandma's in town and you

want to take her for a nice prime rib and a baked potato after four that's where you're getting the pillow mint i remember more and i don't know what these are called really i think they're more in the pillow mint family is those more pastel chalky mints that are in the dish they might be in the pillow mint family is that like uh what kind of pastel color are they j elvis i would you know i would put them in the sort of uh and don't bullshit me yeah because he's making pastels greens yellows you know but all the sort of faintly wintergreen flavor. Hey, well, hey, get at us on Reddit, r slash MaxFun, and tell us what your childhood mint was. What's that kind of dinner that you go to in Minnesota where it's like at a VFW hall? Oh, like a fish fry?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. What kind of mint they got there? I would bet they're the kind I'm talking about. It's a pastel mint, I'm going to call it. What about those chocolate mints? What do you guys think of those? Andes?

The receptions? No, no, no. Not an Andes mint. I know the Andes. It's a hard candy, but it's chocolate. Green and brown swirl. Green and brown swirl. I thought that was Andes.

No, this is a hard. I know the one you're talking about. It disappoints you on both a chocolate and a mint level. My family was so rich. We used to eat at these restaurants. They'd have York peppermint patties. Wow. And we could take two, three big York peppermint patties.

We were rolling in it. In Queens, we were rolling in it. This character is rich Queens guy? Rich Queens guy. Yeah, when I grew up, I was pretty rich. Really? Well, they'd have York peppermint patties. It's Horschak's rich cousin.

I was so rich, I was the guy that gave cocaine to the Mets. I was so rich, when I went to school, instead of a hot lunch, they'd give you an airplane. How's that? So what you're saying is it's going against, I need to have more of a lovey, more of a, I'm a howl. I can't do any voice.

I'm from New York. I can't do a New York accent, but I'll proceed as if things are fine. Every time I, as someone who's been to New York, you know, 10 times in their life. Sorry.

Andy said he'll proceed as if things are fine. Yeah. I mean, at this point, I'm not turning it around. You know what I'm saying? I've been to New York maybe 10 times in my life. And every time I go and I hear someone with one of those very New York-y regional accents, hey, I'm walking here, I automatically smile because I think growing up,

I only thought that was a voice you did when you were in a play. The voice only existed to yell in a play. It's like meeting the real Foghorn Leghorn. Sure. No, there is a great comfort, I think, despite the laziness of using them. Finding out that

a stereotype is true. Yeah. There's something deep down satisfying about that. There was a lady walking... I was right to mock that. I was in Brooklyn. Yeah. Uh-huh. And I was walking to the Bagel Hole. Great bagel store. What's was walking to the Bagel Hole.

Great bagel store. What's it called? The Bagel Hole. Bagel Hole. I grew up in New York. You had Sal's Bagels. Now everything's fancy. They got the Bagel Hole now.

What's fancier than a hole? Yeah. The guy doesn't get that nothing he's saying makes any sense. Yeah, Brooklyn show with the she-she with the bagel holes. And there was a woman behind me, in front of me actually, walking down the sidewalk, talking on her cell phone. She was about, I'd say 65 years old. Easy. And she was...

Keep going. She was talking like this. Just an She was talking like this. Just an old lady talking like this. Not a truly elderly lady, but an old lady talking like this. And I was like, how is this tiny woman generating all this voice? But it was real. And then I saw her in the hair salon. Oh.

Yeah, that's nice. Just dishing with the gals. Yeah, just dishing with the gals at the salon. She had that Judge Judy wiring. Yeah, exactly. That's nice. Just dishing with the gals. Yeah, just dishing with the gals. She had that Judge Judy wiring. Yeah, exactly. That's a fun- Hey, shut your bagel hole. That's a fun genre of viral video.

The word genre. Genre. I didn't know if you knew that. You know, I've only seen it written until now. I've only seen the word written. It's the first time I've heard- Wow, you really left Jordan in a pile of Debris. I've only seen the word written.

It's the first time I've heard it. Wow, you really left Jordan in a pile of debris. So my favorite genre of viral video is – we had a lot of them for a while and I think maybe they've waned in popularity. But I'd like to see it come back. Is someone with an intense regional accent filming themselves being amazed by an animal. Oh, yeah. That rings true. There's a lot. There were some Boston guys on a boat.

And there was the moose in someone's driveway a couple weeks ago. Really? What was the regional accent? It was very northeastern, and I can't remember where it was exactly. Can I curse? A fucking raccoon?

What is that? A fucker? What the fuck is that? A goddamn raccoon? That didn't sound at all. No, you didn't have a voice. You weren't doing a region. The idea is that, like, why are those people out in the woods? But it was like, holy fuck, it's a fucking moose! The idea is that like why are those people out in the woods? You know? Yeah.

Right. But it was like, holy fuck, it's a fucking moose. Yeah, that's it. Can you see this? Get over here. It's a fucking moose over here. Holy shit, it's a goddamn moose. The Boston guys were on a boat and a whale swims underneath them. And he's like, holy shit, it's a baby whale.

And it's because, right, it's right right it's right because there's a how are why are these guys on a boat right why are they filming i don't know they're out there in the harbor harbor yeah but the baby whale isn't that the whole premise behind shows like the jersey shore i think it was definitely the premise behind huell hauser's california gold, that's fantastic. That's fantastic. Is that a baby whale going under us? That's amazing. Oh, my. Are you getting this? Are you getting this, Lou?

But that is not a regional accent. That is his own voice. Where is he from? That is Alabama-fornia. It is a southern thing with him. Oh, yes. Lou, are you getting this, Lou? Until the age of 40, I was raised in Carlsbad Caverns. It is a southern thing with him, maybe. Oh, yes. Lou, are you getting this, Lou?

Until the age of 40, I was raised in Carlsbad Caverns. I only saw the sunlight recently. I know the difference between a stalactite and a stalagmite. Your name is Bob. Neither is interesting. Will you please show me a mission? Is that Minuto? Oh. So you live in Santa Barbara and your name is Barbara?

That's fantastic. That's amazing. I love how this regional public TV host from when we were kids is just a character you can do. Not even from when I was – I had never heard or seen him until I moved to Los Angeles. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. And watched because he – despite being California's gold, he was primarily almost exclusively a Southern California phenomenon.

I saw Huell Hauser. I thought, holy shit. How was KQED Channel 9 in San Francisco, much less Channel 36, keeping this magic from Welcome to the Southland, Jesse. It was great. We have a bowl of joints. Grab a dube. I get a voicemail message from Hulhauser on my voicemail over there on my answering machine.

By someone doing it, you mean? No. No, from the lake Hulhauser. From beyond the grave. It's been gone about five years, maybe, I'd say. I've been saving it ever since. Okay, speaking of animals. Yeah.

We all remember Pizza since. Okay. Speaking of animals. Yeah. We all remember Pizza Rat. Yeah. Sure. And you know, every couple months New York gets a new vermin who's eating something.

Yeah. A new trash vermin. Bagelpossum. Bagelpossum. There was a milkshake squirrel for a hot second. I want to mention really quick

that I told Andy Kindler it was going to be hot in here. So he left, hung up his jacket, then took off his shirt and came in shirtless. That was the bit that we all... And I said too soon. Too soon, I always say.

Too soon? And then when he walked out... That wasn't what we laughed at, though. And then when he walked out to get the shirt to put it back on, he did this, like, tough guy walk. Yeah. It was kind of a one of these.

Yeah. I know no one could see it. Arms somewhat akimbo. Yeah, I could never do that if there was a woman in here, like, tough guy walk. Yeah. It was kind of one of these. Yeah. I know no one can see it. Arms somewhat akimbo. Yeah, I could never do that if there was a woman in here, right, with the Me Too. Oh, so you can't take off your shirt and do a podcast anymore? Oh, I can't put my breasts in a woman's face? It's not cool to nauseate a woman anymore. Oh, I'm the bad guy, because I'm...

These women need to carry some pillow mints in their pocket in case I want to nauseate them. I mean, they're funny. I'm just saying, look what we could do amongst ourselves. Sure, exactly. Four guy stuff. Four men in a booth. Bring that spittoon back. So, Jordan, in New York

there are a lot of food animals. Food animals. And everyone, you know, so every couple months there's a new food animal. You post a picture of it. Hey, guys, it's right. It's an empanada raccoon. Yeah. It me.

I'm that. It's me. It's all. I'm that. This is me. I am that. You know why? Yeah.

Number one, love empanadas. Number two. You wash them in a stream before you eat them. Two nice opposable thumbs. Oh, yeah. Look at them. Always bragging. If there was a broad here, we couldn't break out our thumb.

Yeah, that's why. I'm just saying it's different. Because you'd faint. You too. I'm just saying it's different. You too. So, but we haven't had an L.A. one. Right.

We mostly have terrifying coyotes. Sure. It. Right. We mostly have terrifying coyotes. Sure. It's me. I'm house cat coyote. I'm coyote who killed a house cat. The distant look in my eyes and the hungry jowls on my face. Sure. Are what it means.

It means. I'm that. I'm desperate with my ribcage showing. I too am mange. I saw right outside of Chinois pulling a French reference to the thing. Is that Dennis Miller? It's pretty good.

Well, it's not that good. I could kind of tell who it was. Outside of Chinois. I don't think I know what Chinois is. Chinois is a restaurant. It's Wolfgang Buck's restaurant on the west side. I imagine Dennis Miller would think he was like a – it was an intellectual joke to see a rat outside of a French restaurant. Yeah.

I get it now. I saw – I didn't – I saw an aardvark carrying a lox pizza out of Spago. That's what I'm – exactly. That's good. I like that. Wait. This is Dennis Miller, the Monday Night Football commentator? Yeah. That's exactly. I like that. Wait, this is Dennis Miller, the Monday Night Football commentator?

Yeah, that's exactly how I'm known. And this is the same as the Dennis Miller who introduces movies on TCM now for some reason? No, he doesn't. Yeah, he totally does. Oh, my God. Yeah. Al Michaels still talks about him, how great he was when he's doing his regular work. I'll never forget that time Dennis Miller did the,

I mean, the guy is easily entertained, Al Michaels. Yeah. This second, this second quarter has been like

Cleana Squatzy. Yeah. Squatzy is a good Dennis Miller reference. It is good. Hey, babe, you're going to want to stay tuned

for Rashomon. Yeah, sure. So, okay. I did not get a... Now, granted, I did not do a good job of getting a picture of this, but I saw what I think could be our animal. Thank you for granting us that. Is this real?

Is it a real thing? This is real. This is something... No, this is not wacky. This is not Photoshop. And I'll show the picture around. It's not as satisfying as I would like it to be i was a little far away from the animal but it's so good today in a tree i noticed that there was a kite stuck in a tree right and a squirrel eating the kite i'm gonna pass this around this is kite squirrel stuck kite squirrel well he sure is. Yeah.

He was going to town on the fucking tail of the kite. Squirrels love kites, I guess. Look at this squirrel. This squirrel is eating a kite. I mean, it me. I'm kite squirrel. It's a squirrel eating a kite. That is amazing.

Only in Ventura can you see a squirrel eating a kite. Hey, Mr. Squirrel. Jose, get that on camera. Are you going to fly away, Mr. Squirrel? Anyway. Are you getting this, Lou? I'll post it on Facebook. It was amazing.

It's one of the most amazing things I've seen. I don't think the photo. Oh, my God. That's the same squirrel I saw doing origami on Melrose. On Melrose, huh? On Melrose. Okay. Yeah.

I was wondering. Buttoned it right up. The thing is, huh? There you go. Okay. Yeah. I was wondering. Buttoned it right up. The thing is, Andy, when you said the first part, I thought this sounds like it could be a lot of fun, but I'm sitting here. I'm too busy wondering on what street it's occurring to laugh. And is it a north-south street? Is it an east-west street? Yeah.

By the way, this is the best Bikram podcast I have participated in. It's sweaty, huh? It's really, I can feel everything loosening up. It's a little toasty in here. It's a little toasty in here. No, it's fine. It's good. What do you think this squirrel's getting out of the kite there?

Well, nutrients. Right. And the good stuff's in the tail. If you're a fan of kites, if you're butchering a kite, the good stuff's in the tail. Absolutely. You got to cook it slow, though. Oh, you got to cook it slow. Yeah.

Because it gets low and slow if you're cooking kite meat. What do you think was really happening with it? What do you think really was going on? I think he thought- Was that Howard Hughes looking for his lost airline? As in the film Citizen Kane? I think, you know, could it be be and I don't know a lot about squirrel behavior

you do a lot of eraser things before you start I'm not saying anything I'm covering my bases I'm covering my bases you have to this day and age you gotta cover your bases could it be that the squirrel that was his tree and he thought the kite was an enemy?

I think it's possible. I don't discount that. OK, no, let's hear it. Andy, I don't discount. No, you don't. That's possible. I'm just saying here. From my perspective, as a straight white male, I'm coming from a place of privilege. As a straight white male, which I'm coming from a place of privilege and I know. I recognize it. A squirrel knows that it cannot truly have fun. That a man- A man can have fun.

A human can have fun. Right. It can embrace it. Whereas a squirrel, he's always in the back of his head. He's like, where's that next nut coming from? Survival. Sure. Man, you should do a podcast about what they're thinking and stuff.

These raccoons. And the squirrel's going, oh, why is he Robin Williams? Oh. Yo, yo, yo. It's me, a rapper, Robin Williams. Doing a rap voice. A gay guy's here, too. He was a genius, but now, you know, different time, different time.

Different time, he wouldn't do that. To the kite, two, three, four. The gay choreographer from the 60s. I'm a black guy from the 20s. But now that was a different time. A different time. When people die, you pretend that everything was okay. So wait, so you were... I just watched, speaking of

Robin Williams, I just watched Popeye recently. Yeah. Which I loved as a kid. But I realize now that it was because I was 100% on board with Robin Williams. Sure. You just loved all Altman movies. That is what it was. I'm just a sucker for overlapping dialogue. I have never seen it.

How is it? It's really hard to watch. And is he going? He's got the mumbling down pretty well. He does a pretty good job. But it's a hard to watch movie. It's weirdly conceived.

Yeah. There's a lot of God, singing. Harry Nilsson. Maybe I'm, again, I'm old fashioned. Maybe i am a person who erases everything before i start sure but i was i singing in movies made me feel so weird as a kid i remember when someone put that on and the singing came on like the singing parts of charlie and the chocolate factory still make me want to like with embarrassment. They're good songs, too.

Great songs in Charlie and the Chalk Effect. Yeah, but I'm embarrassed. I didn't find it as disconcerting as the girl blowing up into a blueberry as it shot. Oh, sure. I found that slightly more disturbing. I think we can all agree that there's something terrifying for everyone in the 1970s version of Charlie and the Chalk Effect. Oh, yes, absolutely.

I think I personally was deeply upset by... Yeah, let's all go around the room and tell us what upset us about Charlie and the Tramp. Transmitted into the television. That was pretty upsetting to me because it made you tiny and you couldn't get back. And of course, the rowers keep on rowing.

There's no knowing where they're going, etc., etc., etc. That's fucking horrifying. Sure. That's a real, genuine nightmare on film. I was cool with that. I just didn't like the fact that people might start singing. Yeah, apparently so. My childhood Gene Wilder nightmare was Young Frankenstein. My parents took me when I was like three years old to Young Frankenstein, and it scared the living shit out of me.

Absolutely. Just the parts in it that were like homages to Frankenstein. Just the darkness and I just remember like even the was like, get me out of here. And if I remember his finger catching on fire scared the hell out of me. All the intensity.

As a kid, I walked in on my parents watching Steve Martin's The Man with with two brains and there's a part where a gorilla speaks with a woman's voice and i was so i remember like peeking into the room seeing that they were watching it seeing the gorilla speak with the woman's voice and like running to my bedroom and shutting the door because that was so upsetting to me and i watched that movie i like got it from the library a couple weeks ago to watch it. And I'm like, this is so

goofy and funny. But it terrified me as a kid. Just the image that like... Uncanny Valley kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. It's a funny movie too. I was terrified by the fact that my parents by mistake took me, when I was five years old and the whole family, to see The Miracle Worker. And they

thought it was a Disney film. And it was the most horribly traumatic thing I've ever seen in my life. And you know what's the worst about it now that I'm in therapy? It wasn't like my parents said, Oh, Andy, are you reacting badly to this woman wrestling another woman and taking food out of her mouth for no apparent reason? No, my parents let me watch the whole goddamn movie, obviously. It's very unpredictable what will upset a child.

I think that was a safe bet. Yeah. The miracle worker. Yeah. But maybe even glance towards me while the movie is on. My daughter is completely obsessed with Gremlins right now. Oh, okay. Gremlins 1 in particular.

Gremlins 2 is pretty bananas. Gremlins 1 has some legitimate scary parts in it. And I mean, not like such that they were upsetting to me as an adult, but certainly caught me by surprise and stuff. And she completely unbothered by that. But she is fucking horrified of Paddington Bear. Because we went to see Paddington Bear. Is this the CGI Paddington Bear? The CGI Paddington Bear, which is a great movie.

It's a legitimately delightful film. And there's a part where Paddington Bear is crawling through a duct and they turn on the furnace and the flames from the furnace lick Paddington Bear's butt. And that is the most terrifying thing in the world to my daughter. Wow. Much more so than, for example, Return to Oz, which did not bother her at all in which I had nightmares about until I was 13 years old. Boy. That had a pumpkin head thing in it, right? It had a pumpkin head thing. And, of course, it has the wheelers.

That's the guys with the treads on their legs and wheels on their hands. Feruza Balk? It has Feruza Balk. I never saw that. Return to Oz is, you know. Not Baruch Assault? Having seen it, no, Farooza Balk. Having seen it as an adult, it's kind of a neat movie.

It's not entirely successful, but I watched the whole thing and enjoyed having done so, which I wasn't expecting. I expected it to be too creaky, but yeah, it's kind of neat. Like, puppet shit is so cool. Puppet shit, like, is so, I mean, it's like a cold movie take these days, but man, puppet shit is so cool. It's so like a cold movie take these days, but man, puppet shit is so cool. It's so much cooler than CGI. That's it.

I like Jeff Dunham and his puppets. Oh, sure. And he seems to – the puppets have some very strong opinions. Sure. I don't agree with all the puppets. I don't think all of it's good. But I think they should be heard. They should have a forum to speak at Caesar's Palace.

Ahmed is dead, and so he calls them a dead terrorist. What's wrong? Oh, he's the bad guy? Sure. I watched Labyrinth recently. Sure. And it was too boring for me to watch. That's not Pan's Labyrinth.

It was very boring. So much stuff happens in Labyrinth. I know, but it's- It's like a sketch movie almost. It's just new stuff happens. I liked all the parts where, sorry, Jordan, I don't mean to upset you, but I liked all the parts where David Bowie was singing. Okay, yeah.

I think I would be fine with that now. Just as a kid, I think I probably would not have liked that. What do you think was disturbing to you about that? Do you think it was like a received – like how my wife feels if we go see a stand-up show and one of the comics isn't doing well? If we go see a stand-up show and one of the comics isn't doing well, she gets so upset on behalf of the comic that she like almost has to walk out. Not because she's bothered by the comedy but just – She refuses to see me. Yeah, and that really helps the comic if you walk out. That really helps a lot.

Just yell, time to go to the bathroom so they don't think you're – Yeah. I think it was the – I didn't like being forced to have an emotion. Oh, wow. I didn't like being forced to have an emotion. Oh, wow. I didn't like being told that I should feel something. Really? And I think that's what I felt like songs were doing. They were being manipulative.

That's not the answer I expected. Yeah. I thought it might have something to do with breaking the reality of the – Oh, no. I loved that. Really? I loved – no. No, yeah.

I think as a kid i was like i was like i didn't like feeling that like i was like out of control of my emotions right um so yeah like i remember like the first movie i cried in was my girl uh famous famous first movie to cry in yeah because uh it was it was a uh a movie starring macaulay Culkin that was maybe sold in the commercials as a romp. Yeah. Immediately post Home Alone. So you're thinking like, ah, he's going to – somebody is going to get it in the nuts in this. You're not going to believe who he's going to torture.

Right. Exactly. In extraordinary ways. But it's a paint can full of bees. Yeah. So My Girl is a like – Is it a torture film? No. So it's like a dramedy. It's like

a coming of age dramedy where Macaulay Culkin is this awkward kid and he dies by bee stings. So he's allergic to bee stings. Bees attack him. Oh, spoiler alert, dude. Spoilers for My Girl. You had your 25 year window, people.

See My Girl. No. So he dies by bee stings. You had your 25-year window, people. Yeah. See my girl. No. So he dies by bee sting. You better not spoil my stepfather, the hero. Right. Starring Gerard Depardieu. Sure. Yeah. Is he back? Depardieu?

Is Depardieu back? I don't know. He's still in Russia or something. Depardieu's back and he's better than ever. Right? He lives in... He's on his own. He's drinking a case of wine a day.

Because of tax problems in France. That's not a good thing. Tax problems in France. So Macaulay Culkin dies by bee stings and then you see his funeral and the titular My Girl runs to his casket and clutches it and cries and yells, he doesn't have his glasses. He needs his glasses. He needs his glasses. Like, he needs his glasses in heaven, you know. So it's just, so you go in expecting a romp, and you're getting this.

A good-natured romp? That's my favorite. Yeah, I love a good-natured romp. I like a sex romp. I like a tot romp. Oh, a tot romp. A tot romp? Yeah, pull that romp tot.

Oh, wow. That's what I say. So I am, like, mad at that movie, because I think as a kid I felt, like, yeah. Pull that romp tot. Oh, wow. That's what I say. So I am like mad at that movie because I think as a kid I felt like tricked. You know, I felt like tricked by commercials. It's a bait and switch. It's a bait and switch. Yeah. And then so I think like singing in movies.

It's like thinking The Miracle Worker is a Disney movie. Yeah. So it's like going into Willy Wonka like and then saying, you know, cheer up, Charlie. Like this is a candy movie. I'm here for a can. I'm here for a candy. And I'm getting this. And I'm getting a poor family who washes sheets in a big bin.

The four old people in the bed just took me down. Yeah. And I never got above zero with that movie as a kid. It's just like, just the depressingness, the squalor of the four old people in the bed. Yeah. Facing each other. Thinking about the sores. Well, and the feet by your head.

Yeah. And what the sex must have been like. Exactly. I mean, that was a saving grace. Maybe that's it, yeah. Yeah. They had to be pretty open-minded, I guess.

When you read, when you read those books as an adult, the main thing that strikes you, and I've read and I read a bunch of them with my kids. The main thing that strikes you other than them not being that great, if you remember them being – I remember them as being the greatest books ever and they're not that great. But they're so angry. Like they're so spiteful. Like every one of them depends upon just a contempt for everyone

except the protagonist right like just a nasty piggy little child yeah yeah and every adult is awful and miserable yeah and then just just there's one kid who just fucking gets it and has no other character qualities at all. You know what I liked about the Fantastic Mr. Fox as a kid? What's that? The lists of meat. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of lists of meat

in that book that they get. And it's like, oh, what did we get? And then you see a list of the meat and I'm like, all right. See, as a kid, I didn't like lists of meat because I don't like people

telling me how to feel and what to eat. You didn't like being made to feel hungry. See when it's turned around on you? Yeah. I guess I sounded stupid that whole time. J. Elvis, what upset you as a child? So much.

Well, there was Young Frankenstein was a big moment. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Do you remember that book? Who doesn't remember? He eats through the slice of pie. The page where it gets huge used to scare the living shit out of me. And my mom would actually skip it. And I would have this approach avoid thing where I'd go, you skipped it, didn't you?

Go back. And this was last week, ladies and gentlemen. I'm glad you're still doing reading. Reading's important. Yes. It's fundamental. And Pat the Bunny sent, no, it didn't. No, but Very Hungry Caterpillar was a big.

What did you feel when you got to the page where the Very Hungry Caterpillar got fat with gluttony? It was really, it wasn't the idea of the fatness. It was literally the graphic, I think, that scared me. It was a monstrous graphic to me. Oh, yeah. It was something about the style of the art. I have to say the style of the art in the Eric Carle books. That's his name, right?

Eric Carle? I think that's right. Oh, I don't know. I repressed it. I think that's right. There's a bunch of those books. And as an adult, I think, well, this is pretty. But I remember as a kid, though I loved The Very Hungry Caterpillar because I just loved the idea of getting a slice of pie.

Right. Not to mention a lollipop. Don't get me started on an apple. With a hole through it. There is something hideously ugly about that weird 1974 aesthetic. Yes. To a child. You're like, what the fuck is this?

Fuck you. This is some weird fucking paper or something. Draw a real picture. Yeah. My mom actually at one point put a paper clip. Oh, right. So that page wouldn't open.

I like that she kept the book. That's cute. She did. No, I think, I think she knew. And like I said, I was approach avoid with it.

I would ask for it, but then we get to that point and it was always like, maybe, should I? Were there films that upset you? I'm trying to think if there's any beyond the, I mean, Tindrome. That wasn't. I don't know what that is. I don't either. Oh, really?

Gunter Grass. Yeah. Look it up. It's an awful movie to watch. know what that is. I don't either. Oh, really? Gunter Grass. Yeah, look it up. It's an awful movie to watch. Okay. No, Young Frankenstein is the big memory for me of movies

scaring me. You know what scared me? What's that? Being born 11 years after the Holocaust, my friend. A Jew. Being born a Jew and 11 years after the Holocaust. And so when you're first starting to learn words, the first word I learned was Holocaust.

It's unbelievable. You had to sound it out. What more could I need to scare me? Before you, honey, before you were born, not that far before you were born. Just 11 short years. Holocaust. Yes, sweetie. I'm sure it means you're good now

for your life. There won't be any problems. Good baby voice, J. Elvis. Very good baby voice. That was actually kind of upsetting, honestly. People have a very polar response to it. It was uncanny and made me mad.

Should we take a little cool-off break and then listen to some calls? Yeah, let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second. We've got to feed this baby. On Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, A lot of the bills around here are paid by Maximum Fund members. We love them. All the folks who go to MaximumFund.org slash join and become part of Maximum Fund. We also have sponsors once in a while, too. And this week is one such time.

Yes. And they're bringing back one of Jordan Jesse Goh's beloved recurring characters. When you talk about recurring characters, of course, there's Lawthreeper. Sure. Chris Fairbanks. Yeah.. Sure. Chris Fairbanks. Yeah. The fictional character, Chris Fairbanks. Curry Mango.

Curry Mango. And most beloved of all. Shrimpoo. Shrimpoo. Well, I was speaking, of course, of Cafe Altura's CEO, Dylan Miskiewicz. Oh, it's great to have Miskiewicz back. Hiring can be a slow process. Cafe Altura's COO Dylan Miskiewicz needed to hire a director of coffee.

By the way, notes indicate this is a real person. This is a real person. It's a character and a real person, just like Megyn Kelly from Bombshell. Right, exactly. It's not an amalgam of characters. No. Like Margot Robbie from Bombshell. Exactly. It's not an amalgam of characters. No. Like Margot Robbie from Bombshell. Right.

Dylan Miskiewicz. Anyway. Yeah. He needed to hire a director of coffee, so he went to ZipRecruiter, posted his job, and found the best person for the role in just a few days. Miskiewicz. for the role in just a few days. We're going to go get some. ZipRecruiter's technology finds people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. You know, Jordan, it's no wonder that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

You don't have to wait 36 hours. No. Four out of five, it's right there in the first 24. 24 don't have to wait 36 hours. No. Four out of five, it's right there in the first 24. 24. It's like solving a murder. Exactly. The case goes cold. The case of Dylan Miskiewicz's director of coffee.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And right now, try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Did we say that when a problem comes along, you must zip it? We haven't said that in a while. We should probably say it. Yeah.

When a problem comes along, you must zip it. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Andy Kindler, and when I say ah, I really mean mmm. I'm J. Elvis Weinstein, and my initials spell Jew.

They do. That was I had a buddy in high school whose graffiti crew was named J-E-W. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's fun. You know what graffiti I like? There's a guy in L.A. You sure it wasn't just hate crimes? There's a guy in L.A. who just writes Borat on stuff.

Have you guys seen just so many graffiti that just says Borat? Pretty good. I'm into it every time I see it. It's timeless, I think. Sure. Anyway, that's a lot of fun. Jordan, we just got back from San Francisco. Yes.

Had a lovely time in the beautiful city by the bay. Had a nice time at the Punchline with our friends Glenn Washington and Tony Hale from television's Veep. Forkman from the movie Fork Story. Sure. Both absolute joys and delights. Of course, the great Pete Fields was there with us as well. Sumo with an E. That's his graffiti name.

Don't tell the police, I guess. Yeah. And we also, we have been talking lately on the show about Walton Goggins' signature vodka. Mulholland vodka. Is that what it's called? I don't know. Yeah. I think this is the first time we've actually ever said what it's actually called.

Yeah. Yeah. It is not. You cannot go to a store and buy something called Walton Goggins vodka. No. It's just more fun to say than Mulholland distilling. Yeah. So we had last week on the program, two weeks ago, we had a man call in a very elaborate

Walton Goggins vodka song to the tune of Zoot Suit Riot by the Cherry Pop and Daddy. It was a really remarkable achievement. Anyway, I just wanted to mention not only did he fly to San Francisco from his home in Denver to attend our show at San Francisco Sketch Fest, but he sat at a table with my mom. Wow. I mean, a hero. Hey, all you listening who aren't him, why aren't you that committed to the show? Yeah, why aren't you sitting at a table with my mom and my friend John King from high school?

Hey, do what you can to entertain Judy. Yeah. Make some nice chit chat with Judy. Judy's standing in line outside the club. Why aren't you chatting with her? Talk to Judy. She made your mom stand in line outside the club. Why are you chatting with her? You need somebody to talk to. Talk to Judy. She made your mom stand in line outside of the club? Look, she has to wait in line.

She doesn't get special privileges. All right. Well, you know. We have our listeners go do home care for Andy's mom. That's a Meals on Wheels situation? Yeah. Visiting angels. If that wasn't true, I would be laughing along with you.

Mrs. Kindler, I thought Spirula here. So I just wanted to say I think there's a new gold standard. That's true. He wrote and recorded a song. Write and record a song. Walton Goggins, vodka. Better than a beer. That's number one.

Number two went from Denver. Right. Home of Sweet Action Ice Cream, one of the previous record holders for most- Best fan. Best fan. Flew to San Francisco to see our show. That's also pretty good. Yeah.

Sat at a table with my mom and John King, my friend from high school. Come on, doesn't get any better than that. And what's his name? Don't remember. Don't remember, yeah. But name? Don't remember. Don't remember. Yeah. But whoever. Don't remember.

Yeah. He's wearing a nice blazer. Yeah. He's a nice guy. So yeah. That's the new gold standard for best fan. Yeah. Can you beat it? I can't.

I'm not talking to you. That would be someone who volunteered to do as a handyman around your mom's place. Yeah. Fixing things up. Sure. Yeah. You know, my mom's- Go the next extra step.

My mom's landlord is not on top of repairs. I can't believe that. Have you ever heard my super impression? I don't do it. Hey, I'm a super. Hey. I just say the name of the thing I'm doing. Right.

Sure. Hey, the super's at the door. Yeah. Open up. I think everybody likes to announce themselves by saying their job. I'm a stock trader. I trade stocks. Stocks and bonds.

What are you kidding me? I'm a banker. Seattle fish throwing man over here. Yeah. I'm one of those guys in Seattle who's always throwing the fish. Someone call an ophthalmologist? You better watch out, Bull,

because I'm one of those guys that waves a flag at him. Character artist on the pier here. I'll draw you with a big head in a go-kart.

Who is that voice? It's always a soccer ball. That voice is a general... Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Meow. I love it. Jordan, you actually had a Walton Goggins vodka experience. Oh, I actually tasted Walton Goggins vodka. Is it a big thing? Is it sweeping the planet or is it something... Is it niche? I think it's fair to say it's sweeping the planet.

I don't know why we're still talking about it. It's fun to say it's real. Is it real? It is real. Not like Trump vodka. It's real. No. But how did it become a running gag on your show?

What was the end of that? Yeah. Let's unpack this. We have nothing running on our show. I mean usually when we – usually I mean we have the pre-show which we talked about. We usually like to save this kind of conversation for the after show. Right. Or Comic-Con panels.

But we can do it here. I think that's fine. Yeah. So we've – in the past – We try and do our unpacking after the show and our bits before the show. Right. Exactly. So the show is –

Perfect. Just zen, really. Just zen. A nice place to chill out. Yeah. Something you don't have to pay too much attention to. Right. So, I think we like to talk on the show about celebrity boozes. It's come up a lot.

E-Quarenta tequila. Sure. Danny DeVito's Limoncello, I think, has been our... It's so good. It's a taste of life from this famous fellow. Yeah. One of our favorite ongoing references. But also we had been talking about Walton Goggins just because I feel like for a while, for about a month, every guest we had was involved in the unicorn somehow. Yeah.

The Walton Goggins CBS sitcom. Right. So when I noticed in the store that Walton Goggins had a vodka, I just decided it would be fun to bring up on the show, and also I wrote the hit song, basically now the second best Walton Goggins vodka-themed song. Walton Goggins has a vodka. Walton Goggins has a vodka. Walton Goggins has a vodka. Goggins has a vodka.

Walton Goggins. That's not bad. So there you go. That's the history of the bit. Goggins has a vodka. Walton Goggins. That's not bad. So there you go. That's the history of the bit. That's good. Yeah. Now – I don't like it anymore.

We're here to judge it. What kind of thing are you trying to pull? A runner. I started back in vaudeville and a running bit has four parts. Right. The beginning, the middle, the henchman, and the swizzle at the end. Yeah, you've got to have a swizzle at the end. Well, I left out the henchman.

Take it from Andy Kindler, judge on Last Comic Standing. You've got to have a swizzle at the end. Some people say things funny. Other people funny things say funny things say. I am the latter. Right. Right. Right. So how was Walton Goggins' signature vodka, Mulholland Distilling?

Smooth. Really? Really. As smooth as Goggins' crazy eyes? I was going to say, with Walton Goggins' acting style, you would hope that his signature booze would be severe. Yeah. Or intense. Yeah, ragged maybe.

Something that makes you go, oh, God. Yeah, right. And I didn't go, oh, God. I went, mm, that's smooth. Oh, so you didn't at all go, wah. No, I did not go, bah. Okay. I went, ooh, that's good vodka.

Mm, ooh. No, I just went, ooh, that's smooth. Okay. Mm. That sounds nice. It was nice. When something momentous happens to you, our listener. Good story.

Yeah. When something momentous happens to you, our listener, like you finally get to try Walton Goggins signature vodka. You know, here's something. Yeah. Here's what I think it is. This sounds like a Garrison Keillor product at this point. Right, yeah. Well, it's also joke-less.

Go ahead. Right. Brian's going to add in also joke-less. Go ahead. Right. Brian's going to add in a bunch of funny sound effects later. I think I – every time – I have this theory that all celebrity booze is good. Yeah. But I think that's just because I just drink well booze basically. Most of my booze is well booze when I'm having a drink. And I think I am just a guy – if the analogy is that like I'm a guy who only eats McDonald's and I'm having TGI Fridays for the first time.

Right. It's just that I'm going a shelf up to try the celebrity booze. I don't get the metaphor there at all. Yeah. What if it's a celebrity that was created by the booze, like a Bartles and James situation? Oh, yeah, sure. Jose Cuervo. Pat Boone's farm.

Oh, right. Well, Coppola makes good wine. Coppola wine's good. The concept makes sense to me. Anyway, but I think it's just what I'm reacting to isn't celebrity booze, but I'm reacting to mid-shelf. Should I be for future birthdays and Christmases be getting you Iquarenta tequila? I bet I'll think it's pretty good. Just because it's better than the rail.

But what if I brought you a Slurricane Hurricane? Oh, what's that? It's like a purple mixed liquor that he sells. I bet I'd like that. Yeah, sure. Is the booze in there already or do you need to add your own? Yeah, I think the booze is in. It's not a margarita mixed type thing.

No, I think it's a pre-mixed situation. Sure. Yeah. That sounds great. Okay. Fair enough. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally get your lips around one of those slurricane horns.

Yeah. From Bay Area rapper E-40. From Bay Area rapper E-40. We ask you to call us 206-984-4FUN or voice memo us at JJGo at MaximumFun.org. That means record a voice memo, then email it to us, Jordan. Oh, they have to be tech savvy. I was talking to Jordan, but it's fine. I'm sorry. I'm not here again, right?

I addressed that to Jordan, but it's fine. No, it's fine, Andy. I'm not supposed to be here yet. I'm thrilled to have you here, Andy Kindler. Let's go back. Let's go back. I'll be better. The great Andy Kindler, stand-up comedian.

Thank you. Podcaster. You're welcome. Bob's Burgers voice from time to time. Recurring. Yeah, recurring. He's worried sometimes. Sometimes worried. Has concerns. You've seen him. Yeah, recurring. He's worried sometimes. Sometimes worried.

Has concerns. You've seen him. Man with concerns. Let's take our first call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Dylan from Chicago calling with a momentous occasion. I was just at a local bar grabbing some lunch when a man came up to me and asked me that while he went to the bathroom, if I could keep an eye on his Etch-A-Sketch. I usually don't get requests like this. So

naturally I had to say I would. While I was at the bathroom, of course, I looked at the Etch-A-Sketch and he was drawing a picture of me. I couldn't tell if I should be flattered or creeped out by this, but, you know, so he came back and proceeded to tell me how proud he was of me and that he hopes I have a happy holidays and that I should just keep killing it. Keep killing it, man, he kept saying. And then he asked if he could get a photo. And I was like, sure. I assumed like a photo with me or something to mark this great event that's happening apparently. Um,

but he just took out his phone and took a picture of the Etch-A-Sketch, showed the photo to me and then just walked away like nothing ever happened. So that was interesting. I don't know. Yeah. Bye. This guy's not drunk. He just rules. Yeah. Jeez. This guy's not drunk. He just rules.

Yeah. Jeez. This guy's just fucking epic. You know what would be great? I don't mean to punch up this drunk guy. Yeah. But when you go to the... Sorry.

You mean this guy living his best life. Sure. Yes. You can't be too much of a drunk because if you have shaky hands, you can't do the edges cast. You just erase your work. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a really good point. Shh. He's sleeping. Don't do the extra steps. You just erase your work. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good point. Shh. He's sleeping. Don't wake the baby. Don't wake the baby. Is it time for school? No, no, no. It's fine.

The baby will upset Jesse. Oh, no. The baby's back. The baby's back. Uh-oh. Jesse can still hear the baby even when it's not here. This is so good. Jesse can still hear the baby even when it's not here. That's awful. This is so good.

I hate the baby. Now Jesse hears the baby when he's being intimate with his wife. That's awful. That'll mix it up. Keep things fresh. You got. Keep things fresh. You got to keep things fresh. If there's one thing I know about. You're a married man, Andy.

My wife didn't even know what a school mom was until I asked her to dress up as one. Oh, boy. I don't mean to punch up the world's greatest man, who this person clearly was. Right. Oh, I thought you meant- Andy? No. He's saying that thing about a school bar.

I don't mean to punch up Etch-a-Sketch guy, but it would have been pretty funny if he's doing the Etch-a-Sketch in the bar, he hands it to the guy and he's like, hey, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Would you watch my laptop? That would have been cool. That would have been funny. Do you believe, I for some reason don't believe, I'm not saying people are calling up with phony stories. It's happened once or twice.

How do you even etch a sketch something that would look like somebody else? No, there are people who can do it. There are actual etch-a-sketch artists in the world. Wow. What does it pay? I don't know. Do you have to fix it at the end of each? I think you need to. You just spray it with hairspray. Right.

I think you need to apply for a grant. You do. I think it's something where you get a university or something to sponsor your Etch-a-Sketching. What would you say? University of Phoenix? Sure. It's all online. It's all done online.

I'm a professional dialyst. What a horrible toy, though, Etch-A-Sketch. Let's be honest. Really? Oh, I liked my Etch-A-Sketch. You didn't like the Etch-A-Sketch? Very annoying to me. How so?

Because to go anywhere with it would take a little bit of talent or whatever. And I'm not looking for that kind of Rubik's Cube solving talent. You're not looking for a challenge. Andy had enough things telling him he was unworthy as a child. What are some better toys? List some better childhood toys. Ball. A toy that doesn't require a growth mindset.

I like a ball. I like a nice ball, say. Well, there used to be a comic named Robert Worley. He was hilarious. And he did a whole bit about how all these toys, and it was the first time I ever realized it, that all these toys were horrible. It's like, it's Slinky. It's Slinky.

That's what I felt about most of the toys. Oof. I love – you know, I think – That sounded like 80s comedy right there. It did. But he was doing it in the 80s though. Yeah. Yeah.

So. I liked my Etch-a-Sketch. I liked my Slinky. And I think I – because those are both fidgety toys. I'm a fidgety man. Right. And these are both. How did you feel about Silly Putty?

Oof. Excuse me. I need to leave. Go play with some Silly Putty. You're going to go be intimate with your wife. Yeah. I did love Silly Putty. Hello, honey.

I'm going to, you want to see a backwards family circus comic? I love Silly Putty when I first saw it. But once you figure it out that it's not cocaine or something that's wonderful. Oh, sure. Yeah, once you try coke for the first time, Silly Putty kind of loses its luster. Once you figure out it's not actually human skin, it really takes some of that. You know what I mean? The first time we do cocaine, not the 7,000th time when you've been fired off the sitcom and they change the keys.

Sure. The early days. They change the keys. Yeah, so I can't get back into the dressing room. To the sound stage. They come and they take your key ring and they swap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

Let me back in. Let me back in. I don't know why I'm rubbing the nose. And they're taking the keys that work in the locks and giving you bad keys. That's right. They're hoping that will make me get help sooner. Right. They're looking at those bad keys.

Yeah, putty was great. Gak's great. Oof, anything you can. That was the golden age of fidgeting. How do you feel about the current fad for slime and thinking putty? Oh, I don't know that I've played with any of those. Wow, I'd love to get an update on that in the future.

What's thinking putty? Thinking putty is like a slime. There was a big slime craze three, four years ago, I would say, among young people, including making homemade slime, which involves Elmer's glue. You've got to make, which involves Elmer's glue. Oh, okay.

You got to make it out of Elmer's glue. But then there's this kind of putty. And I know this primarily because I have to go to the independent toy store to buy a birthday gift for a kid all the time, like for a birthday party. And also Hodgman likes it. But you like, it's slow moving. It moves, but slowly.

That sounds nice. Semi-viscous. Yeah, it's pretty viscous. God, I wish I had a kid. I could buy the slime for the kid, but then use the slime myself. You're going to need a wife. Andy's parents used to just give him... The son! I wish I had a wife. Andy's parents used to just give him... I'm going to get a son! Oh, I wish I had a son!

Andy's parents used to just give him a bowl of mercury. Unbelievable. The later they tell me. In a hatting family. I love the way it feels against my finger. It is quick. You called it a fingy at the time. A fingy.

Mommy, I got mercury on my fingy. Oh, God. She's like, that's okay. Shape this hat for me. Someone please give me their son. Okay. Oh, I need a son. Let's take another call, Brian.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and guest. I'm going to say Patton Oswalt. Hey. Never been a... Pause this. I have a moment. I feel like he's taunting us. Yeah. You to say Patton Oswalt. Pause this. I feel like he's taunting us. You never got Patton?

12 years we've been doing this show. 17 years we've known Patton Oswalt. And he has not come on the show despite us never having asked him. I bet you did ask him. Well, you haven't ever asked him. God, I need to win the lottery. Do me a favor.

Buy a ticket. Get out there on Twitter. At Patton Oswalt. Patton, go on Comptown. Okay, play the clip. What, are you scared, Patton? Are you scared? I think rather than take this.

He is scared. I'm going to change my mindset on this one. I'm going to reframe it cognitive behavioral therapy style. He's not taunting us for never having convinced Patton Oswalt with whom we went to dinner when we were

20 to come on our show. He's not taunting us. He is. He just has a grand vision for our program that pretty soon we'll get. That's true. That clearly matches your own. Yeah, exactly.

It would have been nice to get Patton before he needed the walker. Yeah. See? It's a little joke. There you go. But let me just say that Patton regret really made us feel good. Yeah. Yeah.

We had to settle for J. Elvis Weinstein. I think he already made the joke. You poured oil on it. I watch a video of J. Elvis Weinstein of you as a teen on local television doing comedy. Yeah. It was great. I think everyone should watch the video of J. Elvis Weinstein. You never showed it to me.

I probably did. I'm your podcast partner. The New York guy who has a podcast. Hey, hey, here's to my fucking podcast of what? Mm-hmm. By the time I leave this studio, I will have one legitimate original dialect. Character that makes sense. Okay.

Okay. Go ahead. Press play, Brian. Hey, I'm from Queens. Hey, I'm an Aleutian Islander. Where's my walrus bone? I want to carve it. Hey, I'm from Pakistan, all of a sudden.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and guest, I'm going to say Patton Oswalt. Better. We got J. Elvis Weinstein. I live in Baltimore, and somebody held me up in my car. I was buying some

probably very horrible-for-you breakfast food at the Royal Farms here, and I got back into my car, and somebody else decided to get into my car with me, and he told me to give him all of my money. Well, I didn't have any money, so he told me I better go in and hit the ATM. So I got out of my car, went inside, and I called the police. And then the dude left. And police came, and they took a report, and they're probably never going to catch the guy. But I'm okay. He didn't take anything. But I'm okay. He didn't take anything.

And as I was driving away from the Royal Farms, I was listening to you guys bullshit with Jimmy Pardo. And it helped calm my nerves a little bit and helped me feel a lot better. So thank you guys for that. And here's to dumb podcasts and even dumber criminals. Have a good day and happy holidays. And a cold breakfast. Dumb? Nah, I'm just kidding. It's dumb. What's a royal farm?

I don't know. Because I have OCD and ADHD, ADHD, maybe all of a sudden it's like, what is that? Is that a place in Baltimore? Yeah, let's say yes. Let's say yes to get past it. I wonder what they have. I know they have that. No, let's open your eyes as to what they serve at Royal Farms.

They have that great visionary art museum there. Maybe it's connected to that. Sure. Is it possible they have one of these at Camden Yards? What was the criminal thinking? They have a Boog Powell's barbecue. Why not a Royal Farm? Yeah, that's true.

Did you know there's two baseball players named Boog Powell? No, there isn't. And the current Boog Powell is unrelated to the original Boog Powell? Wow. There is a great, Jordan, for your benefit, a great Orioles player named Boog Powell in 1960s into the 70s, I think. And then there was a guy who played for the A's recently whose name was Boog Powell, unrelated to the first Boog Powell. Is it a nickname is Boog? It sounds like the first one was and the second one wasn't.

That's maybe what it is, but I'm not 100% sure who's got a nickname and who doesn't. But it's not a nickname that just comes up. It's not Boog Powell Jr., which is about the only way you'd think that would happen. It's like if I were known as Jesse the Body. Right. You know what I mean? Sure.

There's already a Jesse the Body. There's a lot of road to go down. You were great in Predator, though. Thank you very much. And I always, I watched that movie. Thank you, little man. And I'm like,

why doesn't Jesse act more? He's great in Predator. Yeah. What I like, what I like about this story, besides that it all worked out in the end, and I know I've been in my teenage days and before was robbed many times, and it's always a bummer and scary and et cetera. I'm glad he's okay. But beyond that, I do kind of admire a breakfast robber. Yeah. You know, early bird gets the worm.

I'm against robbing. Do you think he was up early or late, though? Do you think he hadn't gone to bed yet? Oh, sure, yeah. Well, then he fucking knows how to rage. Yeah. Either way, I respect him. I think he was robbing for his second wind.

Oh, wow. Okay. Fair enough. But I still don't quite get the – I mean, I know he's probably thinking he's playing chess while I'm playing checkers. But sending the guy into the ATM, that was his move, the criminal's move, where he lost him. Right. Now, you go back in there immediately, and if you don't get it out of the first ATM, you spend all day, and I'll be right here in the car. I'm going to give you my cell phone number.

Yes. And you call me when you get to an ATM that works. That works. And if I don't get you today, you're going to mail me a check. Here's my address. I mean, I think it's a safe, no-downside move for that robber. He's bummed. He's already done all his robbing.

He's done all his work and there's no result. The guy doesn't have any money. Why not take a flyer on the person who does do it? I think there's something to that. I remember one time I got robbed when I was 12, maybe, something like that. And the guy said, after he robbed me for my $4 or whatever I had at age 12, $2 maybe. My allowance at the time I think was $2. So let's say I had $2.

I was on my way to the baseball card store, not on my way home. And I remember he said, where do you live? And I'm like, 25th and San Jose. And he's like – and he said like, I know where you are. If you tell anybody about this, I'm going to come there and get you. Oh, boy. And it's like that. He's not going to come and get – like literally even as a 12-year-old.

Yeah. I didn't have the presence of mind to – Lie. He was holding a knife at the time. But I didn't at the time have the presence of mind to realize that I should give a fake place where I live. But I did even at 12. Like seven minutes later, I was like, wait a minute. He's not going to come get me. I don't have to count all the way to 10,000.

Yeah. But he's just – I'll count to 9,000. But he's just taking a flight. He's running up to Flagpole. Sure. Worst case, he's not any further back than he was to begin with. Right.

It's no deductible insurance. Go into the ATM. Maybe it works. Go get me a breakfast sandwich. Sure. You have a criminal mind. They indeed do serve those at Royal Farms, which I don't know that they do. Yeah.

I bet it's like a White Castle. Oh, yeah. That's what I was thinking. Like a regional burger, maybe like Sliders, regional Slider thing, and maybe they do a little breakfast sandwich or a breakfast burrito. Maybe like a crab Slider? Oh, yeah. Softshell crab Slider? Sure, yeah.

I'd eat that. If you're going to go out for breakfast in the morning, why do you go back to the same horrible place? That's what I keep getting stuck on. He goes, I'm having my usual Schmeckle Farms breakfast. I think he was questioning how good it was for him, not how good it was. Yeah, I think he was, you know. I mean, this thing, Royal Farms, sounds fit for a king to me. Oh, I see.

Are you saying it's some kind of an organic? It might be like that Farmer Boy's place I keep seeing. Might be. Next to Trader Joe's? I've never seen actually one of them. I've been there. One next to Trader Joe's? Where is that?

Next to Trader Joe's, J. Elvis? That's a different thing. That's something else, right? Oh, you're talking about something on the highway. I'm talking about this fast food place that I keep seeing ads for during football games called Farmer Boy or something. It's not fast food. It's farm something. It's not fast food. It's farm food.

It's not fast food. Have you been to Waldrug? No. What goes down at Waldrug? Well, it's the one that has the signs. It's in South Dakota. Oh, okay. To Waldrug.

Free water. Well, we had a lot of fun, huh? We sure did. 206-984-4FUN. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org for those voice memos. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la robots excluded, I used to be a teenager. In fact, just about all of my friends were too, including folks like comedian Danielle Radford.

And of course, all of us, you take on that theater accent and our teacher would say, no, that isn't how people talk. Right. Don't do the super theater kid accent. It's the worst. But so when I was doing theater in high school, of course, I immediately was talking about being in the theater. So join me every week on the JV Club podcast where I speak with my favorite women artists, innovators and humans as we reminisce about the past and how it led us to becoming who we are. Find it every Thursday on Maximum Fun. if you're looking for a new comedy podcast why not try the beef and dairy network it won best comedy at the british podcast awards in 2017 and 2018 also i love there were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s specialist bose vet. Both of his eyes are squid's eyes. Yogurt buffet. She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life.

Farm-raised snow leopard. She. Download it today. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from MaximumFun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one or, weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart j Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am Andy Kindler on the fives and the nines. I want to.

I want to. I just want to. I want to. I want my baby. A radio traffic guy and a baby? I hate it. Random.

On the fives and the nines. Well, I've got to go. It's nine minutes after the hour. Stay away from the grapevine. Hey, when Jesse ran out, he had a, did he have a giant erection?

When Jesse was running out of the booth, did you guys see his... I'm trying to save my goddamn marriage. You didn't notice that that was... I'm going to stick this in the missus. That was the whole bit that I started out with. I had an erection when I came in. You guys didn't notice. Oh, we didn't.

We were too busy looking at the guns. She didn't have a magnifying glass. My penis is small. My penis is small. My penis is small. The joke always ends with my penis being small. I think we've hit a nice stride.

Do you guys just want to start the show here? Sure. From the beginning, right? Let's kick it. Yeah. We're up to speed. Guys, it's been a joy

having you on the program. From the Thought Spiral Podcast, J. Elvis Weinstein. Come on, do that one. From the Thought Spiral podcast, J. Elvis Weinstein. Come on, do that one. From the Thought Spiral studios. Dog. Look out. You're listening to the Thought Spiral.

It's 65 degrees downtown Los Angeles. It's me, Talking Dog Weatherman. Wow. This show certainly has had a cast of characters. Arf, arf, arf. Is what I would say if I didn't speak English. But I do. All right.

Let's take a look at the – let's go to the map. On radio, though, you can see how a talking dog would want to make some dog sounds to remind people. The occasional purr, purr, purr or something. Yeah, just because otherwise you'd lose track and think it's just a regular announcer. Exactly. So the novelty is gone. Excuse me while I lick my balls. It's like talking dogs licking its balls. Talking, talking.

If I could lick my own balls, I wouldn't leave the house because I could give pleasure to myself. So why leave the house then? If I can reach my own genitals and pleasure myself, is that the only reason to normally leave the house? The telephone's ringing. Now I stay home. Yes, everyone leaves the house to come. That's the only reason anyone leaves the house. That's right.

If I could lick my own balls, everyone else would leave the house. Well, we've had a lot of fun here. This was fun. When you say fun and you say maximum fun, minimum fun, or I should – the third one is supposed to be the funniest. I keep forgetting that. I upload it. I put a lot is supposed to be the funniest. I keep forgetting that. I upload it. I put a lot of funny stuff at the top. I have one thing I want to say.

Something I got to get off my chest. Okay. I got something sticking in my craw. Oh, boy. Is it a bone to pick? So a few weeks ago on the program, I brought up two license plates that had made me happy that day. One said TMI Tim. I thought that's his fun nickname and he decided to put it on his license plate and that's

fun. I thought, what a good job, Tim. Way to know yourself, know what other people say about you and have fun with it. Turns out it was just dyslexic Tim. Yeah. How dare you make fun of Tim. And then I saw a person with a license plate that said Heel Boy. H-E-A-L-B-O-Y. Which I thought was pretty fun if you're a nurse or something like that.

You're a doctor or something. Oh, Heel Boy. Heel Boy. Heel. Yeah. Like healing. Yeah. I thought it was nice.

I thought it was a dog command. Fun way. No, no, no, no. Not H-E-E-L-B-O-Y. Okay. H-E-A-L-B-O-I. Oh, that shows you're younger than me. So I thought that was a lot of fun, and then I happened to log into Reddit, the website Reddit.

Uh-oh. And there's Hunter Ellenbos. Oh, boy. Jordan Jesse Goh listener Hunter Ellenbos is there to explain to me. Inferior in every way to the guy who recorded the song and then flew from Denver. Is this your Reddit group? Hunter Ellenbos logs into Reddit. And he informs me this guy was probably a guy that loved World of Warcraft.

And his job on his World of Warcraft team was casting magic healing spells. and his job on his World of Warcraft team was casting magic healing spells, which is worse in every possible category than being an actual human healer. Like being in a helping profession, working long double shifts overnight to make sure that people get their medication. Hold on. Do you not consider orcs to be people? No. I don't think orcs belong in our country. Wow.

Okay. I didn't know this. Were there gargoyles on the car? I didn't know you were harboring such extreme beliefs. Well, you're probably... I mean, I heard a rumor you're a quarter elvish, so that's probably why you're so sympathetic to orcs and other honestly freaks. Sure.

Other monsters. You can see how difficult it is for me growing up a quarter elvish. It's like I'm trapped between two worlds. No, you're 100% elvish. It's the one drop theory as far as I'm concerned. Wow, you do have some extreme beliefs. Yeah. Okay, I didn't know.

I've seen you arch. That's true. I am right. I have funny. Mine is funny guy. Funny guy true. I am, right. I have funny, mine is funny guy. Funny guy. Funny guy, ha ha. Funny guy, ha ha. It's impressive how you fit that into the...

Seven. Seven. It's cool how you... Thought Spiral is the name of Jay Elvis and Andy's podcast. Two of the funniest guys. Our producer on the program, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne. Hashtag a JJ Go over there on Twitter.

You can like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook where we share. We'll probably share that picture of that squirrel. Yeah. It's not a great picture, but you can look at the picture and just know that a kite got caught in a tree and a squirrel was eating it. Mr. Squirrel, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a kite? Shut up. Don't look at me while I eat this kite. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program.

You can like us on Facebook, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. That's it. That's it. This week's Jordan, Jesse, go. And we definitely didn't cut out anything that Andy Kibler said just now. I'm a Jew. I'm a Jew. Remember it.

That's true. Yeah. Hard time remembering that. And the guy says. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. guy says. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org Comedy and Culture

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