Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 623: Tourniquet Talk with John August

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

John August (Scriptnotes podcast, Arlo Finch book series) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's recent premium cable hotel movie viewing of Q the Winged Serpent, Jesse's time-wasting trip to the Southwest Museum, and the time John almost got into a fistfight in a Broadway theater. Check out John's Arlo Finch book series!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bonvoy. I'm sorry? Bonvoy. Oh, I'm sorry. This is probably a dialect you're not familiar with. Let me explain. Jesse, you know me and my one love, my one true love. Dialects?

You know. Start fooling around. We'll each say my one true love at the same time. One, two, three. Travel. Travel. Travel. Travel.

And I love travel, and I'm just kind of a sponge for accents, dialects, local flavor. I go to the places the tourists don't go. No, I've seen your bucket list. So many things are crossed off. Yeah. I mean, that's me. I mean, I'm kind of a classic millennial in that way in that I value experiences over things. Right.

No, I understand. And – I am a classic millennial in that I love to make pizza crust from cauliflower. So we're both classic millennials. That's true. And we'll never own a home. No. But that's okay because we're full of experiences.

Yeah. So many experiences. Just full of experiences. And I was doing a little bit of traveling this week. Oh, congratulations. It was just for work. But I mean, I also like to play a little bit of traveling this week. Oh, congratulations. It was just for work. But I mean, I also like to play a little too. Sure.

And I was at this really fascinating place. I'm going to see if I can pronounce it in the way they would. Okay. A courtyard by Marriott. Sure. And they have a greeting every time you- I've heard about these places, but honestly, I'm nervous to go. Right.

And it's weird. They have a Starbucks, but the stuff in the Starbucks is a little different. Right. The scones have a different consistency. I'm always worried, what if I can't get my cake pop? I mean, you'll get a cake pop, but be open-minded. They might not have red velvet, Jesse. I'm a bear in the morning if I don't get my red velvet.

Right. I know. It's a metaphor. But, I mean, you don't have the travel bug like I do. No, not at all. So at the Courtyard by Marriott, they have a greeting. And it's kind of just a local thing. Right.

And they say when you return, they say, Bon Voy. Mm-hmm. And I don't know if there's a, I don't know if there's a one-to-one English translation.

Right. Sometimes it's hard to capture the subtleties of a foreign tongue like Courtyard by Marriott. Right. Within the limitations of the English language,

although, I don't know if you like to read Shakespeare, but I think English can be a very rich language. Sure. Yeah. I agree with you.

And so, yeah, I mean, I learned the natives at the Courtyard Marriott kind of taught me the ways of Bonvoy. You were sort of embedded. I was embedded. Culturally. Yes. Culturally embedded while I was at the Courtyard by Marriott in Novato, California. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Beautiful Novato. Rightott in Novato, California. Oh, wow. Yeah. Beautiful Novato. Right there in Novato, huh? And Bon Voy is just kind of – it's a way of looking at the world. It's kind of slowing down, having a cake pop in the morning, reading a free USA Today and just saying, I'm fine with this. Right. Bon Voy. Right. Bon Voy. Right.

Bon Voy. Sure. So I just wanted to welcome you and everyone to the show. Thank you. Yeah. That means a lot to me, Jordan. And just hashtag it on Twitter, Bon Voy Moments. Is there at all like a breakfast buffet?

No, there wasn't. There was a weird Starbucks with some of the stuff that a Starbucks normally has, but not everything. Did they have those little egg cups? No, you couldn't get an egg cup. No sous vide egg cup, but some scones that were slightly different. Okay. Yeah. But I love this.

I thrive. I thrive in that environment. Can I say one thing to you about this story? Yeah. Jordan. Bonvoy. Bonvoy, Jesse. Bonvoy, Jordan.

Bonvoy to my friend, Jordan. Yes., Jordan. Bonvoy to my friend Jordan. Yes. Thank you. Shall we introduce our guest on the program? I would love to. First of all, of course, you know him as a screenwriter. Second of all,

you know him as the host of the world's most popular screenwriting podcast, Script Notes. Third, now you know him as a best-selling author, likely,

projected. His new book is called Arlo Finch in the Kingdom of Shadows, John August. Welcome back to Jordan, Jessica. It is a pleasure to be here. It's a joy to have you here. And may I say, John, bon voyage. Bon voyage. Thank you very much.

It really is. It's a hello, it's a goodbye. It embraces you into this small room. It's hello. It's goodbye. And it's snow. Can I tell you the principle that I live my entire life by? Right. When in Novato, do as the Novatoans.

Right. Yes. I mean, they're beautiful people. Such a rich culture. Oh, yeah. I think there's a Caltrain station there. The wine, the museums, the men. So they're just jacked in Novato.

Just as the city of muscle. That's what they call it. The yoked city. John, how do you feel about a chain commuter hotel? I think a chain commuter hotel is excellent choices. My question for you, though, Jordan and Jesse, is do you believe that the cup in the bathroom should have plastic wrapped around it or not? Is the glass cup a plastic cup? These are all the things.

I had to do book tours and I would be in chain hotels or hotels a lot. And you get the sense of should this be wrapped or should this not be wrapped? I like the kind of paper doily that sits on top. And that probably doesn't prevent a lot of germs. What about when the end of the toilet paper is folded into a little arrow origami? That's nice, too. It shows that someone was in that room. Yeah.

How do you feel about a wrapped cup, John? Is that what you want, John? Yeah. How do you feel about a wrapped cup, John? Is that what you want, John? Is what you want to enter a room and see evidence that someone was there before you? Well, I think the point on the toilet paper is that someone was there cleaning it and no one has probably used it since that person was there cleaning it. But then I feel guilty when I ruin the point and I want to just redo the point because I want to leave things the way I – Right. Right.

Leave it better than you found it. Take only pictures. Absolutely. Leave only footprints. There you go. Yeah. When you're in Novato, you want to respect the Novato culture. Guys, I'll tell you this.

I'm kind of a picky puss when it comes to this. I only wipe with the point. Oh, wow. Wow. So I will wipe with the point and then I will call for a new roll of toilet paper with a point. Oh, wow. So I will wipe with the point and then I will call for a new roll of toilet paper with a point and I will make it bring in, I will make them bring it to me in the bathroom. That's called making geometry work for you. Right, exactly. It's just a simple matter of angles. Love it. Yeah. I mean, nothing wipes like an angle. Yeah. Does your courtyard have the

shower curtain that bows out so that it does not touch you when you're in the bathtub? I think I had a sliding glass door. Oh, yeah. So this is a fancier level of everything. This is a little step up. That bowed hanger, that is a remarkable innovation. It really is. I think it was the Holiday Inn Express that sort of really perfected that technology. And it's the small things.

That's how you get in and out so quick. Yeah. You don't have to worry about touching that shower curtain. They had a kind of an interesting like lineup of TV. So, you know, I think they're, you know, hotels are kind of coming into the modern age of streaming. Yeah. And they're offering you some kind of streaming options. I had HBO Go, which did not work, but Showtime On Demand did.

Yeah. So, you know, I just got to catch up on their weird, weird selection of movies. Okay, great. But you watch your Shameless. You've got to watch your Homeland, which is somehow still on the air. Yeah. So impressive. I don't have Showtime at home, so splurge while you're out.

Sure, I know. So I kind of felt – I feel like I could be a different person, a person who watches Showtime. I mean, here I'm not – You can try on a new identity while you're in Nevada. Right, exactly. Jordan, can I ask you a question? Please. Are you feeling funny but also kind of edgy?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I watched Cue the Winged Serpent and Breakdown starring Kurt Russell. Weird selection of movies on that Showtime. But I enjoyed both, actually. Was it Cue the Winged Serpent? Cue the Winged Serpent. Cue, like the letter Q?

The letter Q. It stands for Quetzalcoatl. Oh, yeah, of course. It is a Larry Cohen movie from 1981? Right. Yeah. I'm glad they got that ready for you on the on-demand. Yeah, it was right there for me. They got those 20 slots.

They only got so much hard drive space on that server or whatever. They're like, well, we already put in those three Marvel movies we own. And then, of course, we got- Right. We have the one Iron Man movie people don't like. Yeah. The Thor movie people don't like. We got some rom-coms here.

Sure. And, of course, I don't know. Throw in Cue the Winged Serpent from 1981. Yeah. People love that. They love a movie about the great Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl. He flies around biting people's heads off, including a guy that's in a pool. Wow.

Like a rooftop pool. Oh. Yeah. Now, does Cue the Winged Serpent speak? Or is he more of a King Kong mold of a monster? Yeah. Yeah. Just kind of a... Hey guys, I'm flapping over here.

Right. Yeah. That's the... There's a dub of Q where he speaks. And they thought it was a little jarring. But Rodney was big at the time. Right. Wait. Sorry. But Rodney was big at the time. Right. Right. Wait. Sorry.

You had a question? Oh, yeah. No. Q does not speak. He was summoned by a cult, I believe. Oh. Okay. Well, that makes sense.

Who skins people. Oh, wow. Yeah. Breakdown starring Kurt Russell, though. Taught. Oh, taught. Very taught. Anyway.

Just like the men of Novato. Oh, yeah. Kurt Russell himself. Yeah. So, yeah. When you were on book tour tour you're in a lot of yes so these types of places classically so um our life is a middle grade series and so when you do a book tour for that you are visiting schools in the morning and then doing a bookstore event at night sometimes and so and you're going city to city to city and so they set up this huge itinerary two weeks and you're spending one night in a hotel or motel. And it is fast. And you're just getting in and getting out.

Yeah. What is it like to go in there and just be in front of a group of kids? Are they excited to be there? I would think so. So these are fourth, fifth, and sixth graders generally. So yeah, you kind of like an assembly. So you're generally on the floor of the gymnasium. Some speakers come there. Sometimes by book two, some of them read book one. But at the start, no one's read, no one knows who I am. And so I'm just this guy. I have slides. I have a very set speech that takes about 40 minutes. It goes through stuff. I talk about writing books, but also being a scout growing up. And I wrote to Roald Dahl, who's my favorite author, and he sent me this card back. So it's a very canned kind of presentation that you try to make feel spontaneous.

I teach them how to tie a square knot. And I take their questions. They always ask, like, is this going to be a movie? Is this going to be a series? Is this going to be a Minecraft or a Fortnite? That's really what they want to do. Can I play this as a video game? Oh, sure.

And then I pack up my stuff and I go to the next school and the next school. And then I eventually get to collapse into bed. It's a little something I like to call education. It is education. I value it. In my household, we value education. Really? Reading, Jordan.

Is fundamental? In our household, yes. Okay, well, your household's weird. Well, my household is proud. Well, in my household, we teach hand-to-hand combat. That's what's important. We put the fun in hand-to-hand combat.

It's important for you to carry on the legacy of your Spartan forebearers. That's true. What if someone summons Q, the winged serpent? Yes. Your book is going to do nothing against Q, the winged serpent. Obviously, you have to have some martial skills.

Do you think we could get the YA rights to Q, the winged serpent? Because I think we just got rich, guys. Sure, yeah. Maybe he goes to like a boarding school for other winged serpents. Now, Jordan, I want to ask about the cultural appropriation of Quetzalcoat a boarding school for other winged serpents. Now, Jordan, I want to ask about the cultural appropriation of Quetzalcoatl and Q the Warping Serpent because this is a movie of a certain age probably. How did it feel? Do you feel like they were being respectful of the culture from which this mythological creature was taken?

Right. On a scale of super respectful to Cortez. Oof. Super respectful to Cortez. Oof. I think it's somewhere between Cortez and Mickey Rooney from Breakfast with Tiffany's. Wow. So not strong. No. Yeah.

It's, you know, it's a product of its time. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, Q, you're canceled. Wow. Wow. You just came from on high. Yeah.

From on, yeah. Sorry. Sorry, Q. Bold choices like that is what puts this podcast on the map. Wow. You just came from on high. Yeah. From on, yeah. Sorry, Q. Bold choices like that is what puts this podcast on the map. Exactly. Well, you want to listen to this show for fun chatter, great guests, and learning which mythological beasts have been canceled. Has cancel culture gone too far? It hasn't gone far enough.

I'm looking at you, Kraken. We've seen your tweets from 1997. 2007. 1997. There wasn't Twitter back then. We've seen your tweets from 1997. 2007. 1997. There wasn't Twitter back then. Brian, edit my riff so it was funnier. Medusa, you're canceled. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. So, John, I will back up and say that I read the first Arlo Finch book. I thought it was terrific. Thank you. And there is some great knot tying material in it. Knots are a very important thing in scouts and in rangers.

Arlo Finch is a 12-year-old boy who joins the rangers, which are sort of the equivalent of scouts in this place. And he learns to do some really basic, normal scout stuff like tie knots. But this forest outside their town is also kind of magic, so he learns some magic stuff too. But I wanted there to be some really tactile things. And I remember learning how to tie knots when I was a scout and it was cool. It kind of felt like a magic trick that you could take a rope and make it do all these things. Top four knots, John.

Top four knots are square knot, the clove hitch, two half hitches, and then the tot line hitch if you need to really bring some stuff together. What's your wildest knot? August had that off the dome, by the way. Top four knots. He had them. Yeah. What would have been the fifth if he had a slot for the fifth?

If I had a slot for the fifth, I – God, it's a tough call. The bowline is sort of the classic knot. The bowline is like if you're like rappelling down something, you can tie it around yourself with one hand, which is really handy. So if they just drop you half – one end of a rope, you can tie it and pull something up. I've got this big book of like sailor's knots and like a thousand illustrated knots. So there's a knot for every purpose. Maybe a stopper knot. And that's the thing that sort of looks like a barrel at the end of a rope and sort of gives you something really strong to hold on to.

I'll just – I want to direct – just direct the listener to something that happened during that. John's like, well, it's probably a bowline knot. And I said, right, like I knew what he was talking about. He's trying to be an active listener. I don't know anything about knots. There's that one where the bunny rabbit comes out of his hole and walks around. That's the bowline knot. There you go.

Check you out. Yeah, well, somebody spent a night on a tall ship in fourth grade. Yeah, it was me. Spoiler alert. It was me on the Belclufa. Was it a class ticket or were you trying to run away?

Yeah, I was trying to run away. I picked the wrong boat. I thought it was pretty. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it turns out it was from the late 19th century. It was there for museum purposes. Yeah, not going anywhere. Yeah. Should have picked one of those big container ships.

Yeah, well, there you go. Hey, kids, if you're out there and you're trying to run away from home, pick a big container ship. Take Jesse's advice. Take Jesse's advice. Go on a big container ship. Work this into your PowerPoint, John. Absolutely. Practical advice for what they need to do.

Learn how to be the hero in their own story. And so to really take up those challenges that present themselves. Did you have to sell anything for scouts? Did you have to? Was there a? No, there's not a big commercial component the way there is in Girl Scouts. And so we would have some fundraiser stuff for going to scout camp or certain things. But mostly what our troop did – this is Boulder, Colorado.

And the very first 10K, popular 10K race in the country was in Boulder, Colorado. And so we would work at that race. And so first we were delivering posters, promoting the thing, and then we would be little race marshals or the water stations along the way. And finally, it would be the people cleaning up the CU stadium after everyone had descended there. And you're picking up bananas and yogurt that had been sort of melting in the hot sun. That's how my scotcher made money. Pretty proud.

Yeah. Picking up work. Picking up hot yogurt melting in the hot sun. That's how my scotch are made money. So proud. Yeah. So work. Yeah. Picking up hot yogurt. We got hot yogurt. Yeah. And so no cookies for us. I invented the turkey waddle, so I'm a big deal too.

I don't. I didn't really. That's that run that you do with 5K on Thanksgiving Day. Why don't we do the turkey trot? All right. But turkey waddle, sure. Turkey trot. Either way.

Either way. It's going to be like a regional thing. It could be regionaldle, sure. Turkey trot. Either way. Either way. It could be like a regional thing. It could be regional. You water, you trottle. You know. Trottle. What level did you achieve in this couch? Eagle.

I went all the way up through eagle. What was your – don't you have to do like a thesis? A special project. Yeah, a special project. Mine was the Boulder Public Library. I built a new sign for the front of it, which was not a very good sign. They took it down like a few months later. But I also built this little nature trail because they had sort of a little garden section.

And so I built like little signage for that. It was OK. It wasn't phenomenal. Honestly, I do feel some shame. Your sign for the Boulder Library does not stand to this day. Oh, no, it was not a good sign. It was like I'm not I'm not I'm not really a sign maker is what I discovered in the process of doing that. The other day I picked

my son Oscar up from a play date and I had to stretch a little bit, you know, like stretch on time because my daughter was at home watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, which is definitely too intense for my six-year-old. And I didn't

want to just like barge in the door and have some faces melting. Yeah. I was going to say Raiders of the Lost Ark. That's a melting Nazi. Yeah. Yeah.

The ending of that is the challenge. Yeah. Yeah. There's some intense stuff going on in there. And – but let me be the first to say, really fun movie. I watched it with her. It was a lot of fun. Sure.

But I had to stretch. But I was only half a mile from my house when I picked him up, and I had to cover like half an hour. So I took him to this museum near my house called the Southwest Museum. Okay. And it's this museum that went out of business and merged with another Los Angeles museum, the Autry Museum of the American West. It's near the zoo, right? The Autry Museum is. The Southwest Museum is near my house

in Mount Washington in northeast Los Angeles. And it's this big, beautiful building that was founded by this guy called Charles Lummis, who was like a big figure in Los Angeles around the turn of the 20th century because he built an adobe house and walked across America. Okay.

Real quality 1903 America. Okay. Real quality. 1903 shit. Yeah. And at this museum, they came to this. When they merged, there was this agreement that what would happen was the Autry Museum would keep the Southwest Museum open. So they closed it for renovations, and it stayed closed for like seven years or something like that. renovations and it stayed closed for like seven years or something like that. And then there was people threatening to sue them. And now it's open like 10 to three on Saturdays,

but only like one gallery is open. And then there's this outdoor area and the outdoor area has signs for all of the garden stuff that is kind of there. And there's a big, beautiful sign that says, California native marshland, and it's just a pile of rocks. It's just an actual, real-life pile of rocks. How did your son, Oscar, enjoy the pile? Well, he was excited there was a real cannon there.

Oh, okay. He asked me who shoots it, and I said, I don't think it's in active use. You know, I think it's... And he said, bullshit, I'm waiting in the car. Yeah, exactly. He wants to see a live cannon or nothing. He just climbed in and said, light the wick, asshole. Cannons are a thing that were so useful and powerful in our time and like chariots, we just don't use them anymore.

Yeah. I mean, we still have them. That's true. If I had a cannon. You'd fire it. I'd cannon in the morning. I'd cannon in the morning. I'd cannon in the evening. And you'd cannon in parts.

You'd start singing and then I would start singing and then we'd be in cannon as we sang about cannons. Yeah. Oh, wow. Fun. And cannonballs are round. We're singing in the round. There's something there. Brian, make that better.

I think you're right, though. I think you're on to something here, John, which is there's still – there's a lot of cannons around. And they're still better than most alternatives at putting holes in things. Yeah. From a distance? For sure. Like, you know, guns are great. Don't get me wrong.

Hey, we're all – I mean, we can all agree. All three of us call dead hands, right, fellas? But you roll a cannon up, that can do a little something special. Yeah. And not everybody's got, you know, rockets or whatever. Sure. You know what I mean? So you just roll that cannon up, hook it up to the horses.

Yeah. You got some horses probably on hand. Sure. You live in Burbank in the horse district. But, I mean, you can have a tractor. I mean, even if you don't, just like some other way to pull it up. That's a great idea. Yeah, absolutely. Or a tractor. I mean, even if you don't, just like some other way to pull it up. That's a great idea.

Or a Sentra. If you got the tow hitch on the Sentra, you could hook the cannon up to that. You roll it up to whatever you want to put a hole in. You light the wick. Kapow. It's a great use of a cannon. All you have to pay for basically at this point is melt value. I think there's an artisanal quality to a cannon

that just doesn't exist with a rocket. Rockets there, but all it's not packaging all this. No. You see a lot of cannons being used. You see cannons being used in Portland and Seattle sometimes. Yes, every guy with a handlebar mustache and an anchor tattoo.

Nashville sometimes, you'll see it. You have to be careful that your long beard doesn't get stuck in like the lighting of the wick right beyond that you're really good sure you gotta tie

the beard back every candidate guys this has been a great riff I guarantee there's someone in the audience who is taking issue

with John's not ranking and I bet there's a guy who has a canon I think there's seven people who are mad about the not ranking yeah I think the overlap

between the not people and the canon people is probably pretty high so there's a canon. I think there's seven people who are mad about the knot ring. Yeah. I think the overlap between the knot people and the canon people is probably pretty high. Some person who's preparing for some sort of nautical war that may or may not be coming. John, do you use eagle other than the canon stuff? And I know you got that canon badge. Cannoneering, yeah. Is there other – I mean, you're an adult man who works in show business. Are there places in your life where you use skills you learned in Eagle Scouts? And no abstract skills.

I'm talking about concrete skills. No, like confidence. Yeah. Fuck that. First aid. First aid. Like bad shit happens, cuts, scrapes, whatever, pretty serious stuff. I'm really good with all that and sort of the emergency preparedness stuff we had.

You know how to staunch the flow? I know how to staunch the flow. I can keep people, like, grounded and alive. I can do CPR. I can do all that stuff. You can, but both alive and grounded. I keep them on the ground and alive. I could use the grounded part because sometimes I feel like my head's in the sky.

You know what I mean? I mean, get an important part. And, John, this is your area of expertise. But if you want to stay grounded, just put the phone away, man. Wow. Thank you, Jordan. Thank you, Jordan. Take a look at the world around you.

Talk to the people in your neighborhood. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Next door. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah.

Next door. So that kind of stuff is probably the thing I've used most is that sort of like when shit does sort of go sideways, I feel much more confident about doing stuff. I just don't panic. And so that's been really good. Because like you end up running through so many scenarios and like life-saving stuff that, you know, we're stranded on this mountain. We have to get down from this. It's good. Yeah.

I'd also say like I did enough camping. Like I don't camp a lot now. I think we talked about camping last time I was here. But I don't do a lot of camping, but I know how to do it. And so I'm not afraid of the outdoors in the ways I think a lot of people are sort of scared of the outdoors. So I could totally do that. I can build a fire like nobody's business. Do you know how to shoot arrows? No, I'm really terrible at archery. I'm sorry. I thought you said you were an eagle scout. I know. You'd think we'd be better.

What's the deadliest thing you know how to do? They're getting loose with that ranking, Jordan. But I mean, I think you can make up for it in other areas. If you're weak in archery, you can make up for it in library signage. Yeah, I guess. I think you, to become an eagle scout, you need

at least one deadly skill. Like, if you don't know how to do that kind of karate chop to the neck, then you have to do bows and arrows. Right. The closest thing I did to scouting was something called Indian Guides.

Yeah, I did Indian Guides too. I was just talking with a friend about it. It still kind of exists. They made it Adventure Guides. They try to take a little of the cultural appropriation out of it. And I was there for – I think I probably went six times. I think the sixth time was a campout, and I touched a rock that was too near a fire and burned my hand and never wanted to go back because I associated it with hot fire. Sure. But I would – Once burned, twice shy. Sure. But I would-

Once burned, twice shy. Sure. That's the S. That's the Indian guide's motto. Jordan became an indoor boy. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, video games. I'm like, ow, my hand.

And the Genesis is out? This is great. The only guide I need is this Nintendo Power magazine. Right. And the hilarious adventures of Howard and Nestor within. That was a little comic back in Nintendo Power. Howard and Nestor. Sure.

A lot of fun. I got to Sierra Online magazine. Oh, yeah? Did you have to play King's Quest better? Yeah. Teach me about how cool Daryl Gates is at the time. Oh, right. Daryl Gates Policed Quest.

Yeah. I don't think it was called Daryl Gates Policed Quest, but it was something like that. Anyway. Yeah. I don't think it was called Daryl Gates Policed Quest, but it was something like that. Anyway. Yeah. Something like that. But the five times I went before I burned my hand and gave up on it, I feel like we just talked about tourniquets the whole time.

So much tourniquet talk. I was a skid of my- Tourniquet. Tourniquet. Yeah. Stumped toe tourniquet. They tried to tourniquet my hand after I grabbed the rock. What do you want to do?

Bleed out? No. It's the last thing I want. So staunch the flow. Staunch the flow. Yeah, did you pick up a skill that you consider to be deadly? No, other than I could probably burn someone's house down really well because I can make fire out of whatever. Make it look like an accident. Yeah, whatever you got handy, I could probably make fire out of it.

I would love to have a skill. Do you have any skills, Jordan? Let's see. I mean, abstract ones like community spirit. That's a skill, right? Tour of equality. Yeah. I mean, you've got a lot of qualities.

You're convivial. Sure. Listening. Is that a skill? Yeah. Banter. Banter. Sure. Improv. Yeah. No. of qualities you're convivial sure listening is that the skill yeah banter banter sure improv yeah no i don't have improv skills yeah i don't know i don't think i mean i my my greatest one of my greatest shames i mean my top five shames. John, you have your top four knots, I have my top five shames, is that I present as a

man who would be able to help you fix your computer. Oh. And I am not. And a lot of times people will come to me for computer or phone help. And you're like, talk to my comic books. Yeah, sure. Yeah, exactly. Talk to the Spider-Man miniseries, Kraven's

Last Hunt. Oh, yeah. Now there's a guy with deadly skills. Craven the Hunter? Hell yeah. Yeah. But also a lot of emotional baggage, too. Yeah. Yeah, so I have the kind of downsides of nerdiness, which are feelings about X-Men, which I wish I did not have.

Right. But none of the advantages like computer goodness. So, yeah, I definitely – I feel like I should take a how to fix a computer class just because I feel like people will be asking me for the rest of my life. Jordan, why don't I hand you this extended education catalog from Glendale Community College that I get every quarter? Wow. Glendale Community College that I get every quarter. Wow, Glendale Community College. Should I sign up online at glendale.edu slash jjgo?

Yeah. John, we have a sponsorship with Glendale. John, we also have a love of lifelong learning. Not me. It's hand-to-hand combat for me. Yeah, I think I don't know how to garden. I don't know how to do anything deadly i don't remember my knots other than that there's a little story about a bunny rabbit that helps you

remember it uh i i can i can play about five chords on the ukulele but that's a recent development uh i got no other musical talents i don't really know how to cook anything in particular. I'm out of luck. I did a little karate as a kid, and I should have kept up with karate. Yeah. Although, would you use it? I think I would look for excuses, try to get in lots of fights. Yeah.

I feel like the one thing that they made me – because I took a couple karate classes as a kid. A couple karates? Yeah. And then my dad's resolve to parent me faded. But I love my dad. But that was a fair characterization. But I think the problem with those karate classes that I took and probably the same with the ones that you took is they did not teach me that kick from the karate kid at all. No.

You know what? I did a little bit of that. I learned the practical application of the crane kick. Really? Yes. Well, then you've got what you need. I guess so. That's a skill.

That's the skill. Come on. What am I going to do if I break my foot in the middle of a karate tournament, Jordan? I don't know. Sweep the leg. Fucking out of luck. You know, my wife took a self-defense class. And she has used her self-defense skills effectively.

But she came back to me and said, yes, the self-defense class is this. Kick them in the shins, kick them in the nuts, kick him in the head. And I feel like that's what karate is. It's a lesson in kick him in the shins, kick him in the nuts, kick him in the head. I just did it. Fifteen seconds later, we're all set on karate. Black belts for everybody.

That's as far as I'm concerned. I think that's as far as I could ever possibly get in a fight. I don't think I'm doing anything fancier, no matter how much training I have, than kick them in the shins, kick them in the nuts, kick them in the head. Yeah. I'll probably try the Karate Kid kick. Oh, yeah? Yeah. We've got some space right here, I mean, if you want.

Yeah. John, you start a fire. I'll do some jump kicks. You could read a book on gardening. Yeah. John, have you ever been in a fight? Not a real good fight. I remember

the closest I came to actual blows, this is very specific and kind of embarrassing, but also I felt very manly in the moment. I did the Big Fish musical, and so we were on Broadway, and we're running, we're doing really well, we're selling really well. I love how this is going to evolve into a fight story at some point. Oh no, just wait. broadway and um we're we're running we're doing really well we're selling really well and i love

how this is gonna go to a fight story at some point oh no this is great wait okay and so uh i'm sitting like the fifth row we're a couple weeks so we ran afoul of the wicked cast indeed this really drunk young woman in front of me uh pulls out her phone and started just like videotaping everything like you can't fucking do that and uh and then at i guess was at the end of the show and so i said i'm like hey you need to believe that you cannot be taking video and you cannot do that and i was really heated and this is her big boyfriend she's like hey what do we talk to my girlfriend i'm like she can't do that and like we nearly came to blows

over like her video having videotaped a few seconds probably of Big Fish but I just felt like I was so right that I just really wanted to be hit and to hit him back yeah yeah I wrote the book sir the book of the play exactly it was mine

you don't look like great performances on PBS to me, asshole. Those are my words in her phone. And so then she deleted the stuff and it was all fine. I was a little disappointed that we didn't get to fight. Do you think you could have taken the guy? No. Oh, God. Absolutely not.

It was a completely wrong choice to do. But I was so righteously angry. I punched out one of the guys from Freestyle Love Supreme. Good. There's that, too. I just took him down. Yeah. And, hey, I hope I never run into Skimble Shanks the Railway Cat in an alley.

If you're listening, Skimble Shanks. You think you can get away with fucking my wife? Yeah, you fuck Jesse's wife, you answer to me, his friend from college. Any other cats start fucking Jesse's wife. They gotta deal with me, a smaller guy than him. I'm gonna send you right to that goddamn Heaviside Lair. Yeah. What's that?

The Heaviside Lair? Isn't that what it's called? Where they get sent to? You're the one who watches cats. I know. I didn't comprehend it. You don't retain any of cats. You let it wash over you.

It's like a feeling. I think they're all trying to go to the Heaviside Lair. It's like cat heaven. Boy. John. Or it's where cats are reincarnated. I wish I could answer this. I think they're all trying to go to the Heaviside lair. It's like cat heaven. Boy. Or it's where cats are reincarnated. I wish I could answer this. I missed Cats. Yeah.

I missed the whole moment. I really was sad I didn't get to see it and sort of participate in the moment that it was. Cats was fun. I talked about it on the show already, but I went at kind of the tail end of we have to go dick on cats in a communal space. And it was magical. It was really, really magical. It was kind of amazing. Kind of appropriate that you dicked on cats with your pointed barbs.

Yes, exactly. Much like the dicks of the cats. And you see them in the movie. That's something they don't show you in the trailer. So many barbed penises in that movie. Well, you know, they got the CGI. You know what I mean? If you're going to do it, do it right.

It's the Lion King. It's the realism that you really want. Right, exactly. Yeah. And Jason Derulo's is huge. So many barbs on that guy's cat dong. Oh boy, where do they go when they die? I think they go to the Heaviside Lair.

I think Heaviside Lair is what I remember reading. Brian is agreeing with me. He's done the research. Can I tell you an if you're going to do it, do it right thing? Sure. I've subscribed to this subreddit called LA List, which is like Craigslist for local things in Los Angeles. And I've got nothing of value from it. for local things in Los Angeles.

And I've got nothing of value from it. I mean, not just literal, but also metaphorical value from having done that, except for just the other day, somebody posted with like the subject line, I think it was bowling alleys. And then the body of the text was just, anybody know a bowling alley where you can smoke? Well, was there?

Nobody seemed to. The top answer was just no. No. No. But I feel for that Redditor because it does, smoking and bowling do feel like they should kind of go together. They probably have a memory of that and they don't do it anymore. Yeah, I definitely remember my childhood bowling as being choked with cigarette smoke while I was doing it. Smoking, bowling. My parents, yeah.

Bologna. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Like a bologna plate with olives. Yeah, that all feels like the right package together. Growing up in Colorado, my mom and my dad were on this bowling league, and every Friday night they would go bowling and smoke. And my mom would smoke and everyone would smoke. They would go bowling and my mom would smoke and everyone would smoke.

And we would watch the Dukes of Hazzard on the little TV high up on the wall with all the other kids who were wildly under-supervised. We'd run around. It was the best. Yeah, that sounds pretty solid. Those were the days. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. Let's light them up and roll them.

And then bowl one game and then spend the rest of the night playing Neo Geo. Those were the days. Oh, God. Not going to Indian guides anymore because you burned your hand. Oof. Oof. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I just wanted to drop in here a plug for a new Max Fun Show that I am super pumped about. Okay, Jesse, I don't know anything about the new Max Fun Show. I'm your audience. Tell me what the new Max Fun Show is. Okay. It's called Fanta. It is a show about things that we love in popular culture,

but also maybe kind of think are bad or hate. Sure. Things like- It's a popular modern phenomenon. Yeah. It's called being fren or hate. Sure. Things like- The popular modern phenomenon. Yeah. It's called being frenemies. Sure. I think it's called being fan-tied. Yeah.

The hosts of the show are Travelle Anderson, who they were the entertainment editor for Out Magazine until Out Magazine collapsed like a month ago. Bad timing. Entertainment editor for Out Magazine until Out Magazine collapsed like a month ago. Bad timing. But they were the entertainment editor for Out and also worked for the L.A. Times for a long time. And Jared Hill, who's worked for the New York Times and the L.A. Times as an entertainment correspondent and is perhaps best known across the world for breaking the news that for some reason Melania Trump had plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech and her speech. Jarrell broke that story. He's some real newsmakers.

I mean, Jared, excuse me, broke that story. But they're also so smart, so cool, so fun. And the first episode is about Kevin Hart, who is known across the world for his prodigious talent and his half-assed apologies. Just real iffy apologies for saying and doing somewhat shitty, not unforgivably shitty things. If the apologies had been better or more sincere maybe sounds like a great topic to unpack on a podcast yeah anyway they are really fun and really funny and they're

fucking smart as shit like they're so so smart so if you're looking for some voices you're not going to hear and a lot of other media outlets both of them African American both of them queer. And Travelle is non-binary as well.

But mostly if you're just looking for some smart-ass, funny fucking people. The show's called Fanti, F-A-N-T-I. So go take a listen to it and join us on the Reddit, the MaxFun Facebook group, and we'll chat about it. Hashtag it Fanti, F-A-N-T-I

on Twitter and stuff. And tell a friend because we're not as powerful as we seem. We need your help. No, uh-uh. We need your help to get people to listen to this awesome show. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love It's a podcast about screenwriting. Fuck you, John August. Fuck you and your bullshit.

He's utilitarian. He gets the plug out of the nickname. I'm sorry. I didn't have a funny thing. This guy and his fucking dignity. This guy thinks he's so great because he's a working professional in show business and he knocked out that audience member at Big Fish the Musical.

This guy thinks he's so great because he started the band Real Big Fish. Yeah, I did. Jesse, during the break, I did look up a recommendation I had for you. For next time you and your son need to go kill some time while you're not watching Indiana Jones. Specific Museums of Los Angeles is a book about the specific museums of Los Angeles and all the 500 weird, wild museums of Los Angeles. So that is a book you should check out because it will give you the next 40 ones you'll take. This is the pro tip of all pro tips. You know what I haven't been to?

The Vladislav Panorama. What's that? I think it's called Vladislav. Vladislav Panorama. What's that? I think it's called Vladislav. Apologies to all my Central European friends and Eastern European friends if I – Wait. Say the name of the thing again.

Vladislav Panorama. And a bonvoy to you. That wasn't worth it. Shouldn't have gone back. Go ahead. It's like here in Los Angeles, it is – they used to have panorama shows, which is like a 360-degree combination painting and projection, I think. Sure. In a like movie theater kind of space.

And then it's like the Great Fire of Chicago or whatever. And there's one of these in Los Angeles. I should go to it sometime, but I've never been. Are your guys' kids good in museums? Do they like it? Is it a valid Sunday afternoon thing? No, not anymore. There was a brief window which we could

actually take her there, but she's 14 now, so anything to try to get her out of her room is impossible, basically. Sure. I can imagine that. My children are not good in a museum. However, I like museums and I don't have any other ideas. So that's where I'm at on museums.

I bought a membership to LACMA, the Los Angeles County Museum of the Arts. Look at us, a couple of LACMA members over here. Real LACMA members. And at the end of the day, if all they want to do is run underneath levitated mass, the enormous rock with a pit underneath it, and then go see the cars driving around in Metropolis 2, I'm sold. That's fine with me. You're killing some time. That's absolutely out. That's hard.

I'm at the point in my life, frankly, where any destination, the further away it is that's not past their breaking point, the better. Yeah. Because that, for me, it's a little bit of a haul to LACMA. That 25, 30-minute drive to LACMA, that's daddy's special time. That's the time when I'm- Are you masturbating in the car? Where do you masturbate? In your car.

That's why I asked. Yeah. Well, we're trying to create a hybrid monster by combining our sperm. That's true. It sounds like everything's on track. And thank you for leaving those napkins from Burger King. You're welcome. They're the most absorbent kind

for monster creation. Okay. We agree. Now all we gotta do is get our hands on Q, the winged serpent. Yeah, that's the tricky part. Jack him off and mix it up. Okay. So anyway, what I was saying is our version will be more culturally sensitive. Yeah.

Because it comes from you two guys. Right. It's a little hybrid combination of you two. So therefore it will be sensitive. It's a little hybrid combination of YouTube, so therefore it will be sensitive. That's time. That half hour that I'm driving there is half an hour I can cross off the time list of the day. You're just trying to fill those hours with something, and a half hour drive is golden.

Non-parents don't understand the degree to which Saturday and Sunday, which you think are going to be like, Oh, this must be wonderful times. No, you are, you wake up, you wake up Saturday morning.

Think like, how am I going to fill this day until my child is asleep? And so that is why you go to the zoo. That is why you go to museums. That's why you go to the aquarium in long beach. You must go there all the time. Oh God. Yeah.

And the thing about this, so there's an aquarium in Long Beach, California, which is literally the furthest part of the Los Angeles area from my house. Like, it is a 14-hour drive, basically, from my house to get to drive

to Long Beach, California. We're members of that aquarium. And my children, they're in there for 15 minutes. No, that's too generous. Eight minutes, and they're in there for 15 minutes. No, that's too generous. Eight minutes and they're fucking insane. Because it's full of screaming people and sharks and whatever. They lose their minds immediately.

Right. And then it is just disaster control for the next. You're like, I got to stay here for 90 minutes. Then you go see the lorikeets. Yeah. It is. The dugongs. Are they then you go see the lorikeets. Yeah. Ooh, it is. The dugongs, are they soothing? I go, go check out a few dugongs.

Yeah. The most soothing of the water mammals? I'll get them high and have them wash the jellyfish. Oh, okay. Just dose them. Yeah, dose the kids. Dose those juice boxes. But yeah, truly it is, it's just like, you're just shoveling dirt in a hole.

Yeah. And then at the end of it, you're like, oh, I filled the hole. Well, off to work, I guess. Well, when I have kids, they're going to sit and watch me play video games on Sunday. Absolutely. That's what you should do. Exactly. That would be beautiful.

And you know what? I can tell that you really love your kids because you're sharing what's special to you with them. Exactly. You should teach them how to fix computers. God, yeah. Karate and fixing computers. Yeah. I've got a lot to do before I have these kids.

I think, you know what, Jordan? I think one day you'll get yourself a son. Got to get a son. Got to get a wife. All this weird ongoing thing we have. I scream, got to get a son. I don't know where it came from. Sorry.

Go ahead, John. My daughter is doing tech. She's running the soundboard for school productions. Oh, cool. And so she did the sound for the school dance competition. And there's one girl in her school who is just remarkable with circus skills and all this stuff. It's like, how did she get this? Oh, her whole family is circus performers.

And so I imagine that their weekends are very different than my weekends. Because their weekends, they're all just doing circusy stuff together. And it's remarkable. And they could do all these things. And you're born into that, into a circus lifestyle. And I just feel like I don't have that. Maybe the best thing for my future children that don't exist yet is for me to take on a circus performer's lifestyle, a transient

circus performer's lifestyle, and then have the kids so they get to be in that magical circus family. They can see you as a hobo clown. Yeah, shit, man. I could, too. You could do a beautiful velvet painting of me. I got a little top hat with the top flapping off. Circus Vargas, here comes Jordan.

Yeah. Yeah, now that they can't have animals anymore, they need more hobo clowns like yours truly. Mm-hmm. I think I'll be called Flopsy. I'm going to be called Skimbleshanks the real way. After the man who fucked my wife. Maybe my wife would love me if I was Skimbleshanks. man who fucked my wife maybe my wife would love me if i was gimbal shanks but you have a little bait you have a little toddler you put the little like grease paint like uh beard on them yeah you're

set you're sold you have a family you have a lifestyle you have your weekend filled ah that would be amazing god okay new life this is the last episode of the podcast i'm hitting the road if something i'm getting a bindle. If something momentous happens to you, like you finally find your calling, we ask you to call us for our segment Momentous Occasions. You can call us at 206-9844-FUN or you can just email a voice memo to jjgoatmaximumfun.org. You know what I like about that, Jordan? The fidelity. Sure.

You know I love a hi-fi. Oh, yeah. I'm a regular Playboy guy. What's it? Hugh Hefner. I'm a regular Hugh Hefner when it comes to loving a hi-fi. And you will also be buried next to Marilyn Monroe. Yeah.

I think that's true. Yeah, and I'm always wearing pajamas. Yeah, whole thing. I'm a creep, but when I die, people celebrate me. Sure. You were a creep for civil rights. Yep. Very complicated.

Yes. Brian, play a fucking call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. For guests, I'm going to get Paul F. Tompkins. Close. Yeah, I'm currently driving on a New York State thruway and I was driving next to

a truck that has like a horse truck for transporting horses and it has this weird thing attached to the back and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was and it just dawned on me.

It's a horse-drawn chariot. Whoa, what? I've never seen that before. Yeah. Fucking right behind that, you know, that you're going to find there. A goddamn cannon. Yeah, you got it, buddy. You know what's good for them. You got it, buddy.

A chariot. Yeah, I mean, right. I mean, it seems like, you know, people who are the like, you know, I'm the old timey person. It's always stuff that goes back to like the 1800s or the, you know, the early 1900s or the 20s. But like, fucking go back. Go back to go program to the Burbank Horse District. There's a part of Burbank, California, which is part of central Los Angeles County that for some reason has a whole part of it where you can ride horses around on the street. And if you need to buy hay, that's where you go to buy hay. That's why I've been there. Yeah, that's a course. Where else would you buy hay? So you have no horse, but you need hay.

I needed a hay bale for a thing. You know that hay is for horses, right? It is. Hay is also for fun times. Okay. So. Well, you need to build yourself a straw man. That's true.

To have an argument with. Absolutely. It's like, no, that's not what I meant. Sure. I think we should get behind any Democratic candidate. No, that's not what I meant. Sure. I think we should get behind any Democratic candidate. I was in the Burbank Horse District earlier today for a show at the Pickwick.

The Pickwick Bowl Ice Center, event center, wedding area, and other Burbank shit. event center, wedding area, and other Burbank shit. And I may or may not have seen a lady riding on a chariot behind a horse. Yeah. Okay. So it's a thing. Just fucking down Burbank Boulevard or whatever. Did it look cool? Grecian or?

No, it looked whack. It was a whack fucking chariot. It just looked like somebody made it out of some shit they bought at Home Depot. I'm not going to lie to you. But also it didn't have DIY charm. It looked a little bit like... You know how sometimes somebody builds a bicycle that can fly to cross the English Channel? Yeah.

That kind of thing? It looked like that only if it was made of white PVC instead of transparent PVC. So it didn't have like gilded carvings of Minerva, the goddess of the hunt or anything like that. That should be the first, like if you're going to buy a horse, buy a place for the horse to live, buy carrots and sugar cubes and hay for the horse, hay being for horses. Is that from something?

Yeah, hay's for horses. It's what you say to somebody who says, hey. Oh, fun. Yeah. And when I say somebody and when I say you, you are a fourth grade teacher and somebody is a fourth grader in your class. You've done all these things.

You're grooming the horse. You're breaking the horse. You're getting a beautiful handmade salary. You're shooing the horse. Oh, horse got to be shod, baby. All these things. And then at the end of it, you're like, ah, fuck it. I'll just build this shit out of some fucking garbage I found at Home Depot.

You know what I mean? Sure. What you're describing sounds like one of those, you know, wacky races where, like, they have to build a contraption that then has to sail it away and everyone drowns. It feels like one of those things. Right. The horse version. So the poor horse is dragged into this thing now. Something that kills three Scandinavian people per year.

Yes. It was like that, but it was a little more refined. It kind of had the aesthetic of like if you bought a microwave at the drugstore. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? A kind of white plastic. A do, kind of. I mean, it's going to heat this stuff up.

Have you heard of the brand Fenfox? PH? Dutch? Yeah. I would... That's where the folks who made Fenfen, the outlaw

diet drug, pivoted to microwaves. For CVSs and Dwayne Reeds. Right. Yeah, I'm kind of picturing this street chariot. And I understand how it would look whack. I think it would redeem it for me if it turned and went through a jack-in-the-box drive. Wouldn't that be great?

I don't think they have hay there. All right, yeah. No, horses love mini tacos. Okay, thank you. Did you know that about horses? I did not know that about horses. You know, the Jack in the Box tacos, fun fact, are vegan because the filling is actually hay.

Oh. Anyway. Cool little story. Just a fun fact about Jack of the Box mini tacos. So why did the woman call in with the story of the chariot? Is that a- It's something momentous that happened to her. It's a momentous occasion in her life.

Yeah, that is. Yeah. All right. We've been doing this segment for a while. All right. So most of your real momentous occasions, we've used them. Yes. 11 years ago,

people bought houses. 12 years ago, people got married. 10 years ago, people got married and called us from the altar. All these things are well covered, well documented.

The only one I'm waiting for, honestly, is someone to call us from beyond the veil. Right. Or I just killed someone in self-defense. That'd be a fun one.

Well, you know how much I love guns. That's true. Cold dead hands, right? Boys. CDH all the way. Gun, gun, gun. I just like to chant the word gun. This is part of our gritty reboot of the Iron Giant.

All right. I am a gun. At the end, he just chants gun, gun, gun. This is part of our gritty reboot of The Iron Giant. Right. I am a gun. At the end, he just chants, gun, gun, gun, gun, gun. Everyone goes, woo! Okay. Oh, wow. If you haven't seen The Iron Giant, you should see it. It's a beautiful film.

The Iron Giant's great. Great. A beautiful message of peace and passage. Yeah, very lovely film, but we were pretty disrespectful. And Brad Bird, of course, very important in the history of The Simpsons as well. Absolutely. He's made some other beautiful films.

Wonderful career. Brad Bird, great career. I think it was really sad that you're just there, so it's good you called out there. Thank you. I just want to protect your reputation and show business. Thank you. I just want to protect your reputation. Thank you. I don't want to be reading in variety tomorrow. Script notes, prexy.

Ankles podcast over Laugh-O-Net. Sure. Absolutely. Let's take another call, Brian. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Brian, and guest, which I believe this week is a squirrel. Close. So this is Bill from Seattle. Don't do a bit on my show.

Don't come into my show and do a bit. John August can do a bit. This guy wrote Big Fish the Musical, the book for Big Fish. Did he write, did he contribute to the lyric at all? Angelo and I worked hand and glove together, yeah.

Hand and glove. That's very close. Yeah, that's close to you. I mean, a lot of times a glove is right there on the hand. It is. I mean, sometimes if it doesn't fit, then it obviously signals

that that person was not. There's a little wiggle room in the fingertips. Wow, this is an OJ truther? It was his son. He was covering for his son. John Bonet. Boulder, Colorado.

Wow. Yeah. Squirrel is the first. In conclusion. Loose change. In conclusion, loose change. Squirrel is actually the lowest rank in Arlo Finch. That is the first rank you get in Arlo Finch.

So it sounds like there is a squirrel here. There's a squirrel here. There's a squirrel. To the degree I am Arlo Finch, That is the first rank you get in Arlo Finch. So it sounds like there is a squirrel here. There's a squirrel here. I am Arlo Finch. Yes, I'm a squirrel. But you know, Brian picked this call. This guy's probably about to bring some heat. Let's hear it. So this is Bill from Seattle. And I just got back from a trip

to China. And on the flight back there was a cute little boy sitting next to me. He's about maybe three years old. He was asleep most of the flight. He was like sleeping on my leg. It was very cute. But that's not the momentous occasion. What made this momentous is that the little boy was flying to Seattle with his foster mother to get a new asshole. Apparently he had been born without one and they did like six surgeries in China that all failed. And he was coming to Seattle because apparently Seattle is the place to go. If you need a new asshole, they have experts there. And so they're doing this new

surgery and, and, uh, that's awesome. So very happy for this little boy. And if anyone out there needs a new asshole, Seattle is the place to go. Love you guys. Well, that got really intense. Yeah. Oh, we love you too. Yeah. Yeah.

Huh. Why did they volunteer that information to a guy on the plane? They probably used more appropriate language. Right. Yeah. That's my guess. B-hole or bunghole. It's a child needs to do bunghole.

Have you listened to the tape of Lyndon Johnson calling the Hagar Pants guy? Oh, yeah. Classic found audio. It's cutting up on my bunghole. His pants are cutting up on my bunghole. Yeah. Lyndon Johnson. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe next time we're in Seattle, we can visit the butthole factory. Do you think there's a factory there? I think they're artisanal. No, I think it's a factory there? I think they're artisanal. No, I think it's a factory, and I think that Looney Tunes factory song is played while they install the new butthole. It was brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. Oh, okay, what's your factory song? You sing your factory song.

I lost it now. Now all I got is your one. Dun, dun, dun, na, na, na, na, dun, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, I got a new butthole. Dun, dun, dun, but, but, but, but, butthole. Anyway. So what was yours? You don't forget yours.

I lost it as soon as you started singing yours. Yours was better. It overwhelmed me. I think mine is the actual factory song. Like so many cue the winged serpents. Right. Just a flock of winged serpents. There I was in my rooftop pool.

Down I swoped. To chew off your head. How many choices did you have that you chose to watch Q, The Winged Serpent? I had... It was a weird selection of movies. I would really like to point out how weird it was. It was a lot of stuff that looked like sci-fi channel originals, like Sharknado adjacent type stuff. Couldn't you have watched

a flyweight championship bout? Right, yeah. Some bootleg MMA that's not UFC. I could have. I'm impressed that you turned on your TV and were actually watching something because I find it lasts a couple years. I will just not turn on this flat screen TV in my room because I was like I'll have stuff on my iPad.

I just won't watch the actual TV. So you did. Yeah. And I kind of like that about, you know, I kind of like that about the hotel TV is kind of like sampling something TV wise that you wouldn't at home. I mean, you know, diners, drive-ins and dives, you know, love somebody else's local news too. I couldn't be more thrilled to watch somebody else's local news. Well, yeah, the local culture, the Novato culture as reflected in television. Right. Yes. Right. Exactly. It's such a rich culture.

Got to hear about the latest thing, the latest happenings at the Tech Museum of Innovation. Right. But yeah, but I kind of was diverted from that, that usual flicking around that I usually do, too. Oh, you have on-demand choices. But the only one working now is Showtime. Anyway. Could have watched Barbershop, the series. Yeah, there was a lot of stuff like that. I will, you know, I think if you listen, Jordan, this is my Showtime wrap-up, guys.

I'm talking a lot, but it's time to put a bow on this. Wait, when you say this is your Showtime wrap-up, is this going to be like the rapper Skills, where at the end of every year he releases a rap song detailing all the different stuff that happened that year? Yes, exactly like that. Okay, do you want Brian to drop a beat? God, no. Oh, please, no. Okay, do you want Brian to drop a beat? God, no. Oh, please, no. God, I never want to rap on this show.

Never. It's the last thing I want to do. Yeah, you promised after that all those people died you wouldn't do it again. You'd never do it again. Yes, in their honor. Jordan's rapping is between him and his lady, John. Yes, exactly.

That's something that stays in their bed. My future circus wife oh she's so beautiful so flexible um cue the winged serpent a lot of fun very gritty new york movie uh you know i think watch it if you're a fan of uh you know the taking of pelham one two three yeah if you thought that you know if you thought the taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3? Yeah, if you thought the taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3 and the conversation didn't have enough winged serpents. You know, it's like a more exciting Chud. You know how you want to watch Chud because it's called Chud? Right.

And you're really hunkering down, but then it's just a movie about zoning permits? Q delivers in the way that you wish Chud would. Similar setting. It's set a social contract with the viewer that there's going to be a winged serpent that's going to come and bite people. Right. And it happens.

And it happens, yes. And throughout the movie, not just at the very end, much like Chud. Breakdown starring Kurt Russell. Where was this thing? So tell us about Breakdown because I'm half picturing it. So Hitchcockian, I would say. Yeah, okay, great.

Is he the villain or the – Kurt Russell's the hero. He's one half of like a yuppie couple. And they're in like a Land Rover and they have a car phone. A lot of like 90s signifier yuppie things. 90s signifier yuppie things. They run afoul of, I want to say, M.C. Ganey,

who's like a tough guy. Could have been M.C. Hammer. Either M.C. Hammer or M.C. Ganey, depending on how big his pants were. Yeah, but Hammer don't hurt him, so. That's true. And M.C. Ganey, spoiler alert, does a little bit of hurting in this movie. So yeah, it's Ganey.

And they get, his wife goes missing. There's kind of a very Hitchcock-y plot, and it ends with some real cool car chase stuff. Good. It's great. Russell does it, and he does it all wearing pleated slacks. Sounds taut. Taut. Taut.

Anyway. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Podcast, Fanta. And I'm Travelle Anderson. I'm the other more fabulous co-host. And the reason you really should be tuning in. I feel the nausea rising. To be Fanta is to be a big fan of something, but also have some challenging or anti-feelings toward it. Kind of like Kanye. We're all fans of Kanye.

He's a musical genius, but like, you know. He thinks slavery is a choice. Or like the real housewives of Atlanta. Like, I love the drama, but do I want to see black women fighting each other on screen? We're tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love. Even though they may not love us back. Fan time. Maximum fun. Podcast.

Meow. Hey everyone, Alden Ford here with the cast of Mission to Zix. Our fourth season premieres on February 19th, and for those of you who aren't familiar with the show, we decided to ask one of our characters to give you a quick recap of what's happened so far. Say hello to the clone trooper, AJ. Who are you people? What's happening? Okay, AJ, put your gun down. AJ, can you just tell us what's happened in the Zik Squadron in the last couple seasons?

Oh, well, we destroyed the Emperor. Oh, really? Okay, great. Yeah, I mean, I think so. We knocked him into a chasm. Mr. Robot Manobarchi's ship crashed through a window, and Dar and Baby Horsehead and I took out, like, a bunch of bad guys.

Papa fulfilled his destiny, and the lizard was there, too. Okay, great. I guess I was sort of asking what the show is like. Oh, you mean like it's an improvised serialized workplace space opera featuring brilliant sound design, incredible guest stars, and an epic hilarious tale of fresh versus whack? Oh, yeah, wow.

Where did you come up with that? Jesse Thorne told me to write that on my palm. Okay, all right. Well, Mission to Zik season four debuts on February 19th on Maximum Fun. Check it out. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I am John August, a bonvoy to this small podcast. Bonvoy, everyone. I just want to say this. Yeah. Jordan, you're a professional screenwriter. Sure. You'll write for any screen they'll let you at. You write television. You write they'll let you at. Yeah. You'll write television.

You'll write films. You'll write games. Sure. You'll write, I don't know, I guess an Etch-A-Sketch would be an example. Yes, I'm going to be writing for the Queeby Etch-A-Sketch. Yeah, new media. New media. Yeah, exactly.

Get $400 a week and college credit. Sketch comedy. Yeah. Two-person writing room. Oh, sketch comedy. Hey, that's great. That was very fun. Good job. Good Yeah, exactly. Get $400 a week and college credit. Sketch comedy. Mm-hmm. Two-person writing room. Oh, sketch comedy. Hey, that's great. That was very fun. Good job.

Good work, John. You should become a professional writer. Stick that in there. Yeah. Yes, you were saying, yes, I am a professional. Very well regarded. If you were going to pick- A writer's writer.

If you were going to pick one podcast on that subject to listen to what podcast would you choose it's gotta be the great script notes I was gonna say Joe Rogan experience

oh yeah sure yeah what about that he's just more open minded yeah he really is he basically there's no wrong answers

yeah and they really like they really talk about they really had some interesting stuff on act structure on Chapo Trap House this week.

So I'm going to say, Rogan, Chapo Trap House. Lawrence Kasdan, go on Chapo. That's where you go. Lawrence Kasdan, go on Chapo. William Goldman, go on Comptown. I know you're dead. Died last year. R.I.P.

Jordan. Yes. Let me ask you another question. Sure. I know that you have middle grades level reading skills. That true. Me does.

Daddy. Me does have that. What book series would you recommend for your fellow middle grade reader well I I will say that I picked up the first book in the Arlo Finch series because of my regard for the great John August this is true I know about this regard I've

received this regard about this regard. I've received this regard. This regard has been reported to me without even John August being there. And this thing is spectacular. It is a fun adventure and it is really funny. Imagine a book that's funny. That is not. Right? Well, those collections are deep thoughts that's

your deep thoughts by jack handy and arlo finch it was great and it is funny it and it is funny in the way that the characters are so specific and well drawn clearly from your childhood yeah uh that you you feel like you know them so well, so they're like goofing around, just makes you laugh by the time you get to the halfway point of the book. A delight to read. I got to get a son so I can read him the Arlo Finch books. Can I ask you a question? Please, John.

Now, I actually am also a middle grades level reader. But while I speak English, I read only Swedish. Can you recommend a book for me? Arlo Finch is available in Swedish just for people like you. Wow. Wow. So it's available in 13 languages. So whatever language.

Top four languages it's available in. The ones I can actually sort of like halfway kind of read, the French copy is really good. German. That's,

those are the only two I really could even pretend to read. There's not a Spanish copy of Arlo Finch, which is crazy. There's not like, the Spanish publishing market

isn't big enough to support a middle grade title. So, we're still looking for a Spanish publisher. If you're listening to this program and you are a Spanish publisher,

it's like, maybe there's a book out there I should publish. Arlo Finch could be, could be you. Cause we, we've got Russian, we've got Turkish, we've got a lot.

We don't have Spanish. Do you think that guy who hosts the popular Spanish comedy podcast, Los Hematocriticos, think that guy could hook John up? I mean, it's a good place to start. Yeah. Good place to start. I mean, we's a good place to start. Yeah. Good place to start.

I mean, we got a pal in Spanish show business. Fantastic. There's a new Arlo Finch book coming out soon, right? Also, Jordan's uncle is El Pio Lim. That's nice. Perfect. It all works out well. Yeah, new Arlo Finch is out now.

So by the time this podcast drops, it'll be out in bookstores across North America and then eventually across other countries. And yeah, I'm really happy with it. It was weird writing a trilogy. And so I started this out as a trilogy. I sold it as a trilogy. So I had to turn in a book a year. And so a book comes out every year. It was a lot.

But it was also just a great experience to really be able to start a project knowing that it's going to be three books and I could plan for three books. Because as a screenwriter, sometimes you get a sequel, sometimes you make a third movie, but like you can't ever plan on that. Here I definitely knew like these are the three books and here's how I can lay out plot among these collective tomes. I will also point out when you said it was a dream to write a trilogy, I said, yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, totally. It's a dream.

I've done a lot of trilogies. Look at me, Mr. It's a dream. I've done a lot of trilogies. Look at me, Mr. Trilogy over here. I know about knots and trilogies. Yeah. I did a long blog. You're more of a Decalogue man. Yeah, absolutely. That's true.

Ten or nothing. Yeah. It's ten or I walk. That's what I say at every project. I wrote up a long Medium post about sort of what I learned writing a trilogy because I went into this sort of not knowing anything about books. And so I did a whole podcast series called Launch, which is about the birth of the book and sort of how the book came to be. But now that I finished all three books, I realized that I didn't kind of know what I was doing and that I had a whole plan for sort of like this is all the plot points we're going to get to. And here's the series villain.

And by the time I was in the second book, I was like, oh, that's not the villain at all. And there's a whole new character and things, stuff you just can't discover until you're actually in the middle of it. And so if you want to check out the blog post too, it's just, I think people tend to approach trilogies assuming that like, oh, you had this whole plan for exactly how it was going to be. And there's a map that you followed and it really wasn't that at all.

And just try to hopefully pop some of the illusions about how much a person who creates the thing actually knows about it when they start. John, you've written a lot of films. I've only written one, but I had a very similar experience where I'm writing and I'm writing and I'm writing. The whole time I'm writing, I'm thinking this is a movie about where ultimately the villain is planning permits and then i'm two-thirds of the way through the runtime of the film on the page and all of a sudden i'm we're underground and i'm like who are these cannibalistic humanoid dwellers we've just found yeah yeah so you know it's a story sometimes a story just turns into what it wants to be. Absolutely.

Yeah. It's the planning part of a movie, and sometimes it's not. John August, it's been a joy to have you. A delight. Thanks for coming, yeah. Thank you for coming and bringing the prestige of your more popular and better podcast to our show. It was a damn delight. We don't get to have this kind of banter on our show, so that's nice.

That's true. Yeah, yeah. Fewer Jackoff riffs. I mean, you guys could create a DNA monster if you could get- Sure. You would get Mazin started. It's a Jackoff joke. See if Mazin can catch, if not a chud, maybe he could just get a little cutting of this stuff.

Yeah, a little Chernobyl grow into a thing. Yeah. It's right there. It's easy. Easy. Yeah. I would love for there to be Chernobyl, too, and it's about chuds. So we wanted to stick to the historic.

We wanted the first one to be historical. Yes, 100%. But then we thought, what if? What if? No. Right. Government policy has gone amok. Sure.

Permits, nuclear permits. And that's when the Chuds attack. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program. We've probably talked more about the movie Chud on this show than anyone involved with the making of Chud. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is the producer of our program. Our theme music, which is in a film trailer right now. I don't remember what the name of the film is, but it's in a film trailer. A lot of people are at messaging me on Twitter.

Is Love You by The Free Design. Our thanks to The Free Design and their label Light in the Attic Records who were kind enough to let us use that music. I feel like I have not been crediting them as much as I should be because it's a wonderful song, an amazing band. Go get yourself a copy of Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design. It is a really breathtakingly beautiful

and remarkable album. R.I.P. that one guy from the free design whose name I don't remember right now. Go on, come down. You can join us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com where you can just chat about stuff. We're in there. We're in the mix.

Getting in the mix. Being part of the conversation. Yeah, deleting two mean posts. No, that's mostly in the Judge John Hodgman threads. People get mad at the litigants. You can hashtag JJGo on Twitter. We are where we are where we are.

At Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. John, you on that Twitter? At John August. Yeah, at John August. It's a good follow. He's probably sharing some screenwriting tips. Yeah, every once in a while. What do you like, tips and tricks?

I will start a writing sprint every once in a while. I announced that I'm going to be doing a 60-minute writing sprint. I'm going to start writing at the top of the hour. And so people will just join me. We'll, we write for an hour. So if you need an excuse for starting to write, follow me there.

I love it. John August, folks, follow August and sprint a show business professional. Unlike some people I know. Hey, it was me. Listen,

I'm bad at it too. It was me. Okay. You're doing great, Jordan. We'll be back next week on Jordan and Jesse. Jesse, Jordan, so much thanks. Thank you, Mike. Thank you, John. Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.