Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 624: A Flat of Babies with Helen Zaltzman

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Helen Zaltzman (The Allusionist podcast, Answer Me This! podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the stress of interacting with actors in character at theme parks, the ways in which Costco has changed since Jordan has been there last, and Helen's missed opportunity to find out about David Bowie's crank. Action Item: which "happiest place on earth" should Jordan visit this week: Costco or Disneyland?

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go! I'm Jesse Thorne, the Costco killer. Oh boy, Jordan Morris, boy detective. Have you killed at Costco yet again? Have you slain the sample woman? She limited your sausage intake to one toothpick.

I left her in that walk-in dairy refrigerator. Oh, yeah. That'll do it. So many different kinds of dairy in there. You just got to buy four gallons at once. You can have any dairy you want if you buy four gallons. There's also kombucha in there. Yeah, well, now there's a dead body, apparently.

No, I just fucking destroyed Costco. Whoa. Here's what happened today, Jordan. What? I got up early. We're recording on a Sunday. Yeah. I got up early to go to the flea market.

This is the Rose Bowl flea market, biggest flea market on the west coast of the United States. Takes me about- Long may she reign. Yeah, absolutely. It takes me about four or five hours to do that fully. So I get there at like 7. 7.30 I get there. I go home at 11.30 or noon.

So 7.30, get there, do like maybe an initial sweep, maybe around 10, crank off in the Port-A-John. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Grab a little lunch. You know, there is a beautiful bathroom at the Rose Bowl flea market. It's not Port-A-John's. Jordan, in the middle, the Rose Bowl flea market does not take place in the Rose Bowl. Before I moved to Los Angeles, I always imagined it taking place inside the Rose Bowl.

You're having to dodge football players. Yeah. But I always thought that would be a great place to have it. 85,000 seat or 100,000 seat stadium. Just put it right down there in the middle of the field. No, it's in the giant parking lot that surrounds the Rose Bowl. But in this parking lot, there is like a Spanish, and we're talking about a 10 minute walk from the stadium itself.

A Spanish style Hcienda type building. I can see it now. Inside there, there are tiled wall to floor urinals. Yeah. Like you just pee on the wall and it goes down into a sort of trough in the floor and flows away. Sounds like an amazing place to crank off. Yes. I mean, they're stinky an amazing place to crank off. Yes.

I mean, they're stinky, but it's worth it. Sure. Well, to some of us, that's a positive. So I got home to my family. My family was a little ragged today. We went to Legoland yesterday. All the kids are a little bent out of shape. Yeah.

And I have to contribute to the family. But here's the catch jordan i don't want to look at or talk to these people no this is daddy's time yeah especially if they've got the post lego land slumps these people is going to lego land like doing like ecstasy where you do it the your brain your brain fires off all its dopamine at once. Yes. And you feel amazing. Yes.

You could, everyone is beautiful. You could touch the sun. And then the next day you're powerfully depressed because your brain has used up all its dopamine. Is that what going to Legoland is like? And then you just have to lay in bed and drink Gatorade? Yes. Is that what going to Legoland is like? And then you just have to lay in bed and drink Gatorade? Yes.

Our guest, by the way, from the illusionist, allusionist, and Answer Me This podcast, our friend, also from the country of England. She currently has a peripatetic lifestyle. Currently from the sovereign nation of Legoland. Currently living in the urinal at the Rose Bowl. Helen Zaltzman. Helen, great to have you back on the show. Thank you so much for having me back. In response to your question, Jordan, yes. I think that

is what was going on at my house. So this was my plan. Sure. I looked at my family. I surveyed the scene. I got a little lunch in myself. Went in the fridge, got some lunch. I took my daughter downstairs. We watched two

episodes of The Simpsons. The one where they get a pool and the one where Bart gets an elephant. Great episodes. Fucking tremendous. Those are really good. My daughter really liked the part at the end of the elephant episode where the elephant that they adopted was

bumping with its head onto the other elephants and then Homer was doing it to the elephant episode where the elephant that they adopted was bumping with its head onto the other elephants and then Homer was doing it to the gamekeeper. Yeah. He likes peanuts. Yeah. And then it was about

one o'clock, 1.30. My patience for my family and children had run out. Yeah. But I had another five hours or six hours before I could come here to do this podcast that I had to fill with things that I could credibly claim were beneficial to my family.

Like I wasn't, the Sunday morning going to the flea market, even though it's work, it's my job, you know, I'm shopping for the Put This On shop, that is my discretionary time. That is the time on the weekend that I get to do what I want to do. So the time between that and coming to Jordan, Jesse, go a work job that I do on Sundays. I have it has to be vitamin filled. Right. I have to contribute continuously throughout that period of time. You can't just roll down a hill.

No. And no one warned you about this before you impregnated your wife thrice. No. I just thought we were out there having a good time rolling down a hill. That is nowhere to be found in what to expect when you're expecting. Honestly, I didn't even know that what we were doing was where babies come from. Wow. Yeah.

There's some gaps in your education, it sounds like. Speaking of which, I got to get home quick because otherwise my fire is going to go out and all my family is going to die of cold. Oh, boy. Because I got to keep that fire burning forever. Sure. Well, don't forget to drill holes in their skull so the evil spirits can escape. They're probably filled with evil spirits. So I did the obvious thing.

I went downstairs and put together an Ikea bookshelf. Oh, quick, just quick, quick diversion. Helen, so you and your husband, I would say, have been long bitten by the travel bug. You like to travel. You like to visit and do kind of tourist things is that a fair characterization it's a good time you lost you lost your lease in london three years ago yeah nearly four uh moved in with your brother for a while in his attic and then just decided to no longer have a home. Right. Exactly how it happened two and a half years ago. In your touristing, have you visited either the Rose Bowl or Legoland? No, but I did go to Disneyland for the first time last week.

Oof. I saw that on Facebook. I have many questions. What is Disney? What is Disney? What is land? Sure. Did you kill the giant mouse?

That is why I'm banned from Disney. Oh, yeah. But it was terrifying. Sure. Giant mice. How was it? How was your first trip to Disney? Was it your first trip to Disney?

It was my first trip to any kind of Disney thing. Was it just you and your husband, Martin, or did you bring children? I did not bring children. And I'm pretty glad that I didn't because it seems like an awful effort to go with children. It was a lot of extra work. You know, they act like it's for kids. But I really disagree because a lot of it seems like a kind of psychedelic trip. It's sort of not for anyone.

I mean, kids might enjoy it the most out of any demographic, but it's very difficult to bring them. It seems like a nightmare. I think – so a friend of mine got into it as an adult about a year ago and he was like, you've got to go. You've got to go. He has three kids but he prefers going alone. Wait. So he picked it up in the course of the last year. It's gone from him not having gone there to him – it being his lifestyle?

He's gone several times alone and with kids. His own. Wait, just by him? He goes solo? He goes solo. As a meditator? Well, I mean, Jordan, I've turned you on. Now, I don't know. I know that Universal Studios has this, but does Disney have the solo rider line? Yes. So...

Which is like the carpool line in the roads, but for theme parks. Right, but for lone theme park wanderers. So you can't drive to there quickly, but you can take advantage once you're in. Right, exactly. Yeah, you'll be stuck in traffic on the way down, but then you're just on Splash Mountain as many times as you want to go. Jordan, I have a question for you, friend. You grew up in Mission Viejo, California, mere minutes from Disneyland.

You were a Disneyland annual pass holder as a teen. Yeah, yeah. Possibly as a child as well. Hell, I don't know. Yeah, it Disneyland annual pass holder as a teen. Yeah, yeah. Possibly as a child as well. Hell, I don't know. Yeah, it was like a year in high school was like my Disneyland year. Yeah. Look, I saluted Mission Viejo. I said hello to Jordan's childhood and my grandparents' ghosts right there in Mission Viejo, California.

Leisure World is where my grandparents' ghosts live. Wow, they still haunt. They haunt it to this day. Yeah. Sometimes they go to the Claim Jumpers or the Marie Calendars. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Leisure World, if I remember, is close to the Laguna Hills Mall. Great El Torito over there. Oh, yeah. One of the best. That would be a great place for ghosts. One of the best. Ghost love table side guac. It's just better than for the living.

Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Ghost love table side guac. It's just better than for the living. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Did you ever go in the time that you lived right by Disneyland and could go for free or that you had already paid? Yeah. Did you ever go by yourself? No. So my Disneyland going – during my Disneyland year, it was like I was going because it was a big thing that like the drama club goobers did.

Right. And the drama club goobers in my high school – and I say goober very affectionately. I see the twinkle in your eye. Sure. And I consider myself to be one of those goobers. You self-identify as goober. I self-identify. Yes, exactly.

I say it with a lot of love and respect for my goober heritage. And the off-storied on Jordan Jesse Go bubble pipe you carried at the time. Yes, exactly. Really identified you even had you not self-identified. Right, exactly. Helen, in high school, I was random and proud of it. Oh, I wanted everyone to know how random I was. Bumble pipe is fun, Jordan.

Yeah, bumble pipe is fun. So if you're going as a high schooler, are you going in an ironic way or in a genuinely fun way disguised as ironic? Yeah, it's a little bit of both. I would say that probably the middle one is more correct. that probably the middle one is more correct. I mean, I think a big part of, like, a big part of goober culture was like, we don't do drugs and we're proud of it.

You know, while those other kids are killing their brain cells. I mean, we're so random as it is. Can you imagine? You know, so there was a lot of, like, finding, like, goofy, wholesome shit to do um because of like the i don't know if this was exactly it but there was that there was a kind of prevalent youth group culture like a kind of a hip christianity and that and i think that kind of spread its tendrils out through my social circle which led to a lot of like going to disneyland or like

seeing a pixar movie at midnight you know a lot of just kind of like goop but yeah this was with a little bit of irony but also just kind of like you know jovial positivity that sounds very nice yeah yeah i'm not of of dumb shit to be into in high school. It's just fine. So but I mean, I I've been thinking a lot about this and I saw your photos of Disneyland on Facebook and I was thinking, you know, new year 2020 new possibilities. You know, new year, 2020, new possibilities. Maybe this is the year that I try to become a Disney adult. Like your friend who goes to Disneyland alone.

I don't know if I would want to go alone. Pin swapping is a great way to meet hot babes. I have a denim jacket. Uh-huh. I can cover that in Lightning McQueen car spins pretty easy. A lot of single women there, I assume. Like all the princesses. Oh, right. Right, exactly.

They're generally betrothed, at least. Or looking. Yeah, exactly. They're generally betrothed, at least. Or looking. Yeah, sure. We were staying with a friend after we got back from Disney who said that this girl invited him to Disney as a second date. And that put him off because that was too strong. Oh. At what level of date would you go to Disney with someone? Boy, yeah.

I mean, that is one of those things where it is just such a time commitment. And you're really trapped there for a long time. Yeah. I mean, it's so cute and fun in theory, but I think practically that could go south. Feels like sixth date, right?

Sixth date, great. I went on my 18th anniversary with my husband, so it took us that length of time to be at the Disney stage. Yeah, and even if you have a pass, it's expensive. You've got to fucking park. You've got to pay for the expensive kind of bad food.

So it's a pricey second date. So yeah, I think that I would be wary of that. I recommend Legoland all the way. Really? You're a Legoland stan. Here's the advantages of Legoland. You stan the land. If you go as an adult unaccompanied by children to Legoland.

Then you're definitely a molester. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. So this rules it out for me and Jordan. Unless we borrow children, which in so many ways would be worse. Yeah. I think if you go to Disneyland solo, you could just be a dweeb. Right.

But if you go to. A go you could just be a dweeb. Right. But if you go to- A goober. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. But if you're going to Carlsbad- No, maybe a group of dweebs are goobers, but a lone goober is a dweeb. I think you were right on that.

Thank you. Sure. I'll go back. Yeah. Got to brush up. This could be a good episode for the illusionists. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Collective nouns has probably never been suggested. Dork taxonomy. Semantics of all these things. The thing about Legoland is these are the advantages of Legoland, relative advantages. Less popular. More Lego. Less expectation that anything there is for an adult. Like I find that when I'm at Disneyland, I find something that feels like maybe it's for me, but it's not for me.

It's not for me. Like it could be for me if I wanted to be there or liked that kind of thing. If you were someone else, maybe it's you. But like at Legoland, no, it's always for a five-year-old. No matter what it is, it's for a five-year-old. Some things are for a nine-year-old. Some things are for a four-year-old. But just in general, nothing is for me. So I don't feel pressure to like anything on my terms.

Also, at Legoland, is anyone dressed as lego a little tiny bit but not like not it's that is a lot of pressure i feel like when i when i interact with a costume character i feel a lot of pressure or if you see a lot of people wearing lego bricks on their heads i know people just dressed as i read the lego piece with six notches i will say this uh there was some kind of lego competition happening at lego land uh that involved i'm gonna say middle schoolers so yes there were some people with lego hats uh like like hats made out of Legos. But in general, Legoland is less of a thing and for that reason, more enjoyable to me. Have you been to the Madonna Inn just outside San Luis Obispo?

Talking about urinals, incredible urinals. I mean, theirs is a boulder wall with a waterfall. Yeah. How do you like that? I think the Madonna Inn is totally worth talking about do you you've been yes can you just can you describe it for people who have not been well it's a hotel uh built in the 50s by an absolute legend called alex madonna and all of the rooms are different themes like even down to the light switch covers someone has made a lot of decisions about the decoration of dozens of rooms and uh there's a lot of pink there's a lot of things

made out of boulders such as showers urinals there's like an animatronic doll on a swing over the dining room it's uh it's the happiest place on earth it's like a kitsch extravaganza right it is and yet it's so sincere that I adore it. And pretty explicitly for sex, right? Like it definitely has a, like, this was supposed to be very erotic in 1959. I don't know what got people off in 1959,

but I will say once we stayed there impromptu on a drive down from the Bay Area to Los Angeles and the room that was left and therefore our room, was one where the bed was a wagon and the table was a giant pair of bellows. And the lamp was made of guns

and the ceiling was made of blue glitter. I'm pretty horny. I mean, let's talk about that urinal that Helen described. Sounds hard as a rock. What is a river to me? Yeah, it basically, yes. It is basically the stream illustration from our boater T-shirt. Yeah.

So there you go. I was actually some friends of mine got married at the Madonna Inn. Oh, fun. So like we all, you know, it's maybe like two hours from L.A. So like everybody drove up and stayed at the Madonna Inn. Which room did you have? So I was in a like admiral room, like a sea, like not a pirate room, but like more of a master and commander type room. So a legal maritime room, not an illegal one. Yes, exactly.

And I was there like by myself. I'm like, oh, this is cool. But it just felt like so wasteful to be in there by myself. You should have invited like eight people to crew the ship yeah i could have assigned a first mate i could have had um uh i don't know i don't know other c designations what's another boat job admiral no that's me i'm running the room so i'm the admiral and i get a first mate the person stopping cruise ship people all getting food poisoning. Deck swabber?

Yeah, sure. Shuffle boarder? Yeah, shuffle boarder. My dad was in the Navy. He was a projectionist. Okay. Wow. I could have one of those.

And bomb loader. Right. Well, wow. One's better than the other. Job wise. But yeah. If you drop the movie, job-wise. But yeah, it felt like- If you drop the movie, you don't explode. Right.

Yeah. But it did feel weird being a solo person in a heavily themed hotel room. Did you make the best of it nonetheless? Yes, I did put on a captain's hat and jack off. So, Helen, what was- Even though it wasn't a pirate room. Helen, what was your, so it was just you and Martin at Disneyland, your husband? Yeah, just him because it was our anniversary and not other people's anniversaries. Do you have any emotional attachment to the.

To the Disney. To the oeuvre of the Disney brand? I don't. I didn't really grow up with a lot of Disney stuff. And even if I had liked it, I would not have been able to show that in my family because it would have been perceived as a weakness and used against me. Wow. Yeah, cool. Did you do Star Wars stuff?

Not really. So apparently the first film I saw was one of the original Star Warses, but it was in a basket under the cinema seat. And then I grew up in a Star Wars gap because I was born in 1980. So then I was old enough for the prequel trilogy, which I did not enjoy. Sure. Well, they're very bad movies. Yeah. I can say this. I'm a medium Star Wars guy. I will say that the Star Wars area of Disneyland is very impressive. Yeah, I was going to ask. It's beautifully done.

Yeah. Even though I don't give a shit. I haven't seen it, but yeah, I would like to. My equivalent is I give a very small shit about Harry Potter, but Universal Studios has a Harry Potter land that blows my mind every time I walk into it. There is a strong part of me that wants – so the last time my kids went to Universal Studios, I talked they were going to Harry Potter land. I don't care for Harry Potter, not least because, as it turns out,k rowling's a world-class asshole oh yeah but um uh but this was before we knew that anyway and hopefully they haven't worked that into the theme park yeah don't write it you'll notice the bathroom signs kids here it comes what a heel

yeah um but uh when that got planned there was literally a moment where Teresa, my wife, said to me, I know that you don't like theme parks. I'm working this out. My cousin's going to come with me. That way you don't have to go if you don't want to. And I said, well, I would like to see Simpsons Land. And she's like, we're not going to Simpsons Land. We're going to Harry Potter area.

And I was like, then yes, by all means. True, go without me. But Star Wars Land and Simpsons Land, these are things I'm kind of interested in seeing, but not enough to pay $100 to get into a theme park. What about if you moved down to Anaheim and then you get the residence discount? So you could see the Star Wars thing for cheap. If I could just get one electric bill mailed to my grandparents' ghosts, then I could get that sweet residence discount.

But otherwise, you know, I'll just hang out in downtown Disney. Yeah. Just hit the Irvine Spectrum. Get some sandals at the Sanuk store. Yeah, you got it. I'd like to go to the Harry Potter Universal thing. I've always wanted to go to a theme park themed around Britain. Yeah, it is just kind of England land.

Imagine. You know, the bathrooms are called privies. And the piping leads to nowhere. Right. Although I have been to Lake Havasu City, which does have a kind of We Britain thing going on. What's that? Lake Havasu City, it is on the border of, it's just over the border in Arizona. And some guy bought a London Bridge and shipped it all the way out here and then had to make a lake so that the bridge could span something.

had to make a lake so that the bridge could span something. And there's a theory that he thought he was buying Tower Bridge, which is the one that foreigners always think of as London Bridge with the towers and the cool opening bridge, but it's really just a stone bridge. And then they've built like a little English-style pub and phone box and a fountain with some griffins on. Also, Lake Havasu City has the distinction of, well, the Lake havasu is where

uh pamela anderson and tommy lee filmed their sex tape really where where the world where the world learned about tommy lee's crank his prodigious crank um did you and that's like it's like lake havasu is a famous spring break destination. And they spring broke. Wow. Did I go on spring break? When you were there, did you see any rowdiness firsthand? Did you see any beer bonging? That is very much my scene. Yes, I know. You love it.

Yeah. I think maybe we were a tad late for spring break. Helen Edward Forty Hands Zaltzman over here. But we did go to a restaurant for dinner, and I noticed the women were extremely dressed up and the men were wearing like shorts and flip flops and walked as if they had very sunburned testicles. I believe you know the classic American walk. Or the testicles, to be fair, could have been damaged on a jet ski. There's a lot of things that could have gone wrong. Filming a sex tape. I mean, they were probably on

a jet ski. That's why their hat's on backwards. Otherwise it would blow off. Exactly. It makes a lot of sense. So that's the equivalent effort of like being a very dressed up woman and a man with flip flops and sunburned balls. How was the maintenance? How was the condition on that bridge? The bridge was very nice.

The Wee Britain stuff was looking a little shit. Yeah, well. The griffins. The statue. The fountain griffins. You know, they're not meant to be under a relentlessly sunny sky. I'm going to be honest. If they're going for accuracy, it should be the other way around.

London's in great shape, but London Bridge, that's falling down. Well, maybe at 6 p.m. every day, they could make it fall down by pulling a lever or something. That'd be fun. That's what Disney would do, right? That is what Disney would do. Yeah, right. The clock would strike six and the bridge would fall down and then magically put itself back together again.

I'm going to record a bonus episode for the Max Fun Drive of One Bad Mother, my wife's podcast, with her co-host Biz's husband, Stefan, Stefan Lawrence, an old friend of ours from our sketch comedy days. Stefan designed some cups in Star Wars land. Cool. Whoa. Yeah.

He posted a picture of it on Facebook. He's like, yeah, these are my triangle cups I invented. I'm sure they of it on Facebook. He's like, yeah, these are my triangle cups I invented. I'm sure they have backstory. Yeah. I think some in space, some cups are shaped like triangles. Sure. You are a medium Star Wars guy. And not just – and Jordan, not just ones that you use to get slightly inconvenient water out of one of those office water jugs.

Yeah. When you can't get the kind that you can make the cup bigger by squashing it out. A foldy cup. You know what I'm talking about? Helen, as someone who doesn't – what was your – how did you feel about Star Wars Land? Well, I was very impressed by the look of it. It's really beautifully done and they had like even their own Coke bottles, which is spherical and the Coke logo is recognizable but not actually saying Coca-Cola. They've done cunning Star Wars-esque versions of things.

But we went on the rides and those involved some participation with people in performance mode, which I cannot stand and have a borderline phobia of. And so I was just furious and afraid the whole time yeah you would have to be forced into some improv exactly exactly i'm like well if i'm going to perform i want to be paid i every time i see a costume character or somebody in one of those things i have a sense of mortification but then also i just want to like i just want to be like i know this is a hard job yes you're doing your best yeah like that's all i don't want to talk to goofy you don't have to do it to me i respect you just do it to someone else well also the star wars characters because except for chewbacca they're they're just as people They're not completely encased in foam. Right.

So I wonder whether the kids are like, well, you're not the real one. And, you know, yeah. And it seems like a lot of the Star Wars-ing that's going on in Star Wars land are from, like, Stormtrooper, First Order type people who are, you know, analogs for Nazis. Yes. So there's a lot of being screamed at by. Yes. Well, on the rise of the resistance ride, which is the hot shit at the moment, certainly just opened, there's a lot of standing in line to get on it.

And during that, people who were dressed in quite a Nazi-esque way, in sort of beautifully cut black suits and stuff stuff kind of hurl insults at you. And I was like, I'm here for fun. That's what our friend Stefan, who's married to Teresa's co-host Biz, that's his job. All day he writes things for people to experience in line at theme parks. He's done an incredible job. But this part of it I disliked because i don't i don't want to stand in line for someone to call me a jerk well i think he primarily does it for like a

you know uh soon to fail snoopy theme park in dubai or something it's unusual that he works on something in southern california yeah novelty for him. But other people might love it because some people love negging. I have seen the, I've seen like videos of like the, the actors who play Ray, like interacting with little kids and it's goddamn adorable. It's great. It's like the good, like I have never liked,

also never liked being, having to like do a little skit with someone while I'm doing a theme park thing. But them being in character with little kids is very cute. Yeah, well, you don't have to interact with the people who are doing the character work outside, but in the ride, you kind of have to interact with people, which is a hard no for me. Sure. Did you eat or drink anything? Did you go in the cantina?

Did you see the triangle cups no my husband bought some blue milk which came in a round cup right and it's not real milk but it's certainly milky in appearance yeah it's a kind of like a yogurt slurry from what i understand yeah or something else that's not real milk but milkyky in appearance. Sure, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They milked one of the characters. Right. It was a male character.

It was a male. Yes. It's the blue milk of semen. What's the green milk? Well, it's not exactly semen, Jordan. Oh, boy. It's blue semen. Oh, okay. With a fruit flavor.

What you get when you jerk off a Smurf? Hey, I'm a... Look out! Oh, off a Smurf? Hey, I'm a guy. Oh, I'm a guy. Yeah. I'm trying to jack off a Smurf over here. I'm a comic you would see on a TV show after Saturday Night Live in the 80s. Yeah, pushing up our sleeves over here. Sure.

Yeah, I really want to. I'm very anxious to visit the Star Wars land. And yeah, and I feel like all of the – I feel like all the people in my like social group who are having the most fun seem to be the Disney adults. And I would like the chance to experience the lifestyle. I don't know if it's for me, but I at least want to be. You want to experience fun. Yeah, I want to see what being a Disney adult is like. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

Maybe the two of us could combine our passions and we could go to Dapper Day at Disneyland. Oh, Dapper Day. All you need is one suit that you apparently bought at a costume store. Boy, I don't know that I, that seems very high level. Maybe some clip on suspenders. Seems very high level Disney adult to me. Free tie, bow tie.

I don't know if I'm ready for that. I think, well, goth, goth day, bat day. Oh, bats day. Yeah, I could do Goth Day. Sure, yeah. Why not? The perfect chance to wear my fishnet bodysuit. I like that Goth Day feels more accessible to you than The Suspenders.

Yeah. Can you go just dressed as characters owned by Sony? Oh, like go as Shrek? Oh, man. That's a fucking great idea. That is a good idea. Can I go as Shrek? Oh, man. That's a fucking great idea. That is a good idea. Can I go as Sonic? Yeah, sure.

Why not? Now I'm going to be Tails. That sounds good. Because he can do that helicopter thing. That's true. That is pretty good. You know what I mean? That is a funny idea, going as other characters and pretending like a wizard sent you there or something.

Go as Spider-Man. Yeah. All sorts of problems. Oh, something. Go with Spider-Man. Yeah. All sorts of problems. Oh, I think Disney owns Spider-Man. No, I thought it was... Oh, do they? Yeah. Don't do that.

How come they don't got Spider-Man land then? Oh, it's... It's coming. They're going to build a Spider-Man land? Yes. Yeah, they're going to... California Ventures is going to have a big Marvel thing in which it will include a Spider-Man ride.

So you said Spider-Land. Isn't that the name of a Slint album? Probably. Slint album? Probably. Slint theme park. Hello. I got to go, oh, man, you know what I'm going to do when I get to Spider-Land? Head straight for J. Jonah Jameson's office. Have him give me the business.

That would be, oh, a costume character as. I would love to have him yell at little kids, go get me pictures of Spider-Man. Maybe that's something I can do in my old age. Maybe once I go Distinguished Grey. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, I think that's going to be a good look for me. Do you think they're going to be comfortable giving up his signature brush cut in favor of your wild curls? I'll have it chemically altered to be his famous brush cut.

Chemically altered? Yeah. Chemically castrated, perhaps? Yes, I will become, yes, once I'm chemically castrated. That will happen once you get caught going to Legoland by yourself. Right. You can wear a gray Lego brick on your head for the next episode. Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll be the Lego Jonah Jameson. I think that'll make sense. They'd love it. Yeah. I'd love to meet the real Spider-Man at a theme park. That would be great. There's like a Spider-Man. You can see videos of they've built a Spider-Man

robot that can jump from rooftop to rooftop. I guess it's going to jump around. You're fucking shitting me. It is at once cool and very terrifying because it does seem to be like oh this could be this is the start of humanity's undoing like this is this good a guy who's super sticky and good at jumping yeah i mean i think the robot's cheaper honestly

wasn't it pirate to the caribbean the start of humanity's undoing because when those animatronics become sentient and go bad, they really don't have morals. That's a good point. They're just trapped in there a long time with their boring-ass story. Right. Can I ask you guys a labor question? Just on the question with the robots being cheaper and stuff like that because it was pretty expensive to build a robot.

That's true. What do you think a really sticky guy who's good at jumping gets? $20 an hour? Well, you got to buy the radioactive spider to bite him. Yeah. I think that's your entry-level cost. Well, who knows? Maybe he got bit by a radioactive, you know,

one of those hands that comes out of the gumball machine, and you, and it sticks on something. Yeah, I don't think those can bite. I guess, I don't know if those could puncture the skin. Right. Because it would need to get the radioactive material into the bloodstream. What if you ate one of those? Yeah, that could do it.

That could do it. I'm asking for a friend because- Oh, did you eat, did you swallow one? Well, I kept it in the, you know how when you put, get it comes out of the gumball machine, it comes in that plastic- Sort of- Case. Case kind of thing?

Yes. I just took he thought it was a gummy my friend swore the whole Jesse Forna he thought it was medicine yeah oh

so you what was your friend what ailment did they have that they were going to a gumball machine to find to find relief from? Lockjaw. Oh, yeah. I was going to say gumball shortage. Also that.

Gumball deficiency. They often go hand in hand. Yeah, exactly. God only knows why I can jump so good though. Yeah. Who knows? Those things can't jump at all. That's very true. Last year when I was doing

an illusionist live show in Auckland, New Zealand I met someone who worked at the theatre who, she had a spider bite that had not given her any powers but had really fucked up her hand for months. And we talked about that for ages and then when she left someone was like, you know, she was on the cover of David Bowie's

China Girl album and they used to go out. Wow. And I was like, I've just talked to her about her bad thumb for all the time that I'm going to spend with her. You could have been hearing about Bowie's crank. Right. But you know what? You built a bridge to Bowie's crank. And now all you have to do is next time you're in Auckland,

you just traipse across. Sure. How's that thumb? Tell me about the crank. See? It's that easy. that's the power the spider bite has conferred but on me not her i imagine him having like a snaky crank you know what's kind would be surprising but also kind of comforting uh-huh if it was just a normal crank

yeah like a little small just like a thin a thin white duke just yes exactly yeah a thin white duke. Yes, exactly. A thin white dong? Uh-huh. Thin white dong. Sure. Yeah. Just like, it's like, hey, you know, his persona, his sex wizard persona was not the result of a crank, but just, you know. No, I think he's really in tune with people's vibes. Sure. He just gets on their wavelength and just...

It's like when... Like a theremin. Like when – I was going to say like when an army is crossing a bridge and the bridge collapsed because they got right on the right wavelength. You know what I'm talking about? Sort of like that. More like a road bridge. No, when they're like marching and they're all marching at the same time and that gong, gong, gong, gong, that makes the entire bridge collapse because it's exactly the wavelength it's david bowie was like that only with dick and pussy you know what i mean right right just whatever you've got he'll fucking blow that shit up right

yeah you know what i mean sure it's his version of the brown note exactly. The thin white note. Yeah, sure. Let's take a quick break. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. It's Jesse here to remind you that, of course, every Jordan, Jesse, go is brought to you by all of the members of Maximum Fun dot org. And this week, we're also brought to you by our friends at Zip Recruiter. Now, look, I don't need to tell you hiring can be a challenge.

But if you need somebody to tell you, why not ask Codable co-founder Gretchen Huebner? You know, Gretchen needed to hire a game artist for her education tech company. So she went to ZipRecruiter.com, posted her job, and found the right person in less than two weeks. That's the Huebner way. ZipRecruiter's technology finds people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. Not just Gretchen Huebner's job, your job.

It's no wonder that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And right now, try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ziprecruiter.com slash jj web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo.

That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Remember what we always say, friends. ZipRecruiter comes out at night. ZipRecruiter comes out at night. Ha, ha, ha. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Helen Zaltzman, the imaginary friend you don't talk to anymore. Here's what happened at Costco. I just went there because I realized that I could go to Costco, which would be technically helping my family, but I wouldn't have to look at them or talk to them, interact with them. Or hear them. Or hear them. Or smell them. I tried to get my elder two children to come with me, but they weren't happy. So you could lose them in a barrel of mayonnaise or something. Yeah, exactly.

That's a great way to get rid of unwanted kids. And that's why I went to Disney alone. Daddy dropped his wallet in that mayonnaise. But my Costco system is I go maybe quarterly. Yeah. And just see how close to $1,000 I can spend at Costco. Wow. I feel like every dollar I'm spending at Costco, I'm saving money somehow.

That's how it works, right? And I'm not buying like – I don't buy any of the goofy shit. They do sell some goofy shit at Costco. It's been so long since I've been to a Costco. I have like childhood memories of Costco. It's exactly the same. Okay. Costco has not changed at all since your childhood.

Yeah. Zero percent. Today, the only goofy thing I bought was a salad dressing holder. Wow, that's wacky. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. I guess I can't picture the goofy stuff at Costco. Well, they've got like water slides.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. The British one. Huh. What is British Costco called? Is it just called Costco? It's called Costco. Well, they've got like water slides. Yeah, you could get like... Really? The British one. Huh. What is British Costco called? Is it just called Costco? It's called Costco. Okay. Short for Sir Costco.

Thank you. Well, I mean, you could buy like a diamond ring at Costco. Okay. You can buy a wheelchair at Costco. Maybe not. I wouldn't guess I wouldn't call that goofy. Well, it was a little goofy to go... Sure. I mean, I bought this wedding band at Costco. Oh. But like, yeah, I mean, you goofy to go to Costco. I mean, I bought this wedding band at Costco. Oh. But like, yeah, I mean, you could go and you could buy real frivolous stuff.

The only frivolous thing is I will usually buy liquor for my wife because I, well, I mean, we've covered this on the show before. While I don't drink, I do enjoy going and buying liquor. By the jug. It makes me feel like a king. Yeah. But yeah, I got $640 spent. Yeah. But four months worth of every possible home product.

Paper towels. Paper towels. Toilet paper. Dishwashing detergent. Laundry detergent. Dryer sheets. Diapers. Butt wipers.

I'm talking the whole nine yards. Yeah. Soup to nuts, Jordan. Sure. That sounds amazing. I'll buy eight of those nice yellow mangoes that I like. My Costco memories are being left at the electronics section to play Super Mario 4 because we had a Genesis and it was on Super Nintendo so I could play it at the Costco.

I could play Super Mario 4 at the Costco. Who needs theme parks? You don't! Just park your kit at Costco and then running and getting a sample of Bagel Dog and then running back so I didn't lose my turn. Yeah. Sounds great. Do they still have Super Mario 4 there?

It's all Genesis now. Fuck! We have one at home! Why go to Costco? They have Game Gear and Master System. I can play Vector Man at home! I mean, do you have a Game Gear? Huh?

Do you have a Game Gear? No, my dad took it away. Bring my grades up. Did it work? No. The grades aren't because of the game gear. It's just I'm bad at math. Hey, Jordan.

What? If you get straight A's, I'll buy you one of those magnifying glasses that goes on top of the screen and makes it look bigger. Yes. Cool. When something momentous happens to you, Helen,

like you get straight A's and Uncle Jesse buys you one of those magnifying glasses that makes your game gear screen look bigger. Daring to dream. Your game's going to look Helen. Yes. Like you get straight A's and Uncle Jesse buys you one of those magnifying glasses that makes your Game Gear screen look bigger. Daring to dream. Your game's going to look great.

Yeah. Well, it's going to look slightly distorted. Sure, yeah. It's not intended to be played like that. Kind of going to give you a headache,

but you know, what are you going to do? Aren't they selling those again so you can watch a film on your iPhone but through a big magnifying glass? Oh, yeah.

Game Gear technology is back. Yeah. That sounds fun. Game Gear technology is back. That sounds fun. I'm in for that. I thought about buying a giant monitor. I was looking at those giant monitors thinking, I went to a kid's birthday party on Super Bowl Sunday we talked about. One of the things that went down at this party is they went to Costco and just bought a 70-inch television for this party.

Wow, party TV. And I'm at Costco. Don't think I wasn't thinking about it, Jordan. Just buying a 70-inch television for this party. Wow, party TV. And I'm at Costco. Don't think I wasn't thinking about it, Jordan. Just buying a party TV? Just whatever the biggest TV there is. I don't know. But do you only watch it when there's a party? Between, sure.

It's like the good furniture. I just want to own it. It's just covered in plastic the rest of the time. Yeah, and then you unwrap the TV. Everybody grabs their brewskis and their white claws. You head out on the lawn, watch a couple episodes of The Handmaid's Tale. I feel like it's primarily about like it used to be that all flat screen televisions cost $2,000. And I was like, I'm not buying a $2,000 TV.

You know what I mean? But now if you spend the amount of money that all of those TVs used to cost, you get a novelty-sized TV. Oh, sure. Like a fuck-you TV. And I don't know. Maybe I want a fuck-you TV. I don't know. I don't know.

Shit, I don't know. It's not saying to your mind. Look into your heart. My perfectly reasonable 42-inch television. Suddenly looks skimpy. Yeah, when you go to a party, there's a 70-inch television with a football in there that they're just using for the party. Yeah, but that's just going to reactivate my squint just trying to see all of the dimensions of that. It was outdoors.

The 70-inch television was outdoors. That is a dangerous game to play, even in Los Angeles. It rained today. They had televisions inside the house, but they didn't want to bring them out, so they went to Costco and bought a 70-incher. How long was the extension cord? Tell us more! We don't need to get to calls. Let's hear about the hookup. What about

if the light hit the screen? What did they do? That's true. How did the handmaid's tale look? Did they get a gazebo from Costco to erect over the party television? Oh, yeah. You gotta have a party gazebo for your party TV. I feel like the ultimate power move of all power moves would be to have a children's birthday party on Super Bowl Sunday. Say, don't worry.

We bought a 70-inch television. We're setting it up outside. Set up that television. Put on the handmaid's tale. Yeah. It'd be great. All right, everybody, gather around. We're going to watch Russian Doll.

We're going to binge some premium streaming TV. Okay, Brian, when something momentous happens to you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, 206-9844-FUN or email your voice memos to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests, and Brian, of course. This is Ro from Chicago. I just wanted to call in with a momentous occasion. I was just listening to episode 619. You guys are talking about napping and fapping,

which I'm really into. But the thing is, you know, the ASMR talk, I've never really got it, never felt ASMR from that, any ASMR videos. But now I'm sitting here listening to Jordan going, and all that, and it happened. So thank you. Just relax. Yeah.

Nom, nom, nom. Wow, it's nice to be, I'm this guy's first ASMR. Yeah. That's a good feeling. You're basically halfway to having your own subreddit now. That's the dream. That's the dream. That's the dream. You know what?

If you don't mind sharing it a little, why don't you head over? Jordan's ASMR stuff can be on slash r slash Boz Skaggs. No, I'm not getting involved in that cesspool. No? Not a lot of toxic fans. Those Boz Skaggs fans are toxic. Yeah. Too many Lido shufflers over there. Too. A lot of toxic fans. Those Boz Scazz fans are toxic. Yeah. Too many Lido shufflers over there.

Too many Lido shufflers. They're worse than the Star Wars prequel guys. Helen, you have a podcast and also a lovely voice. Thanks. Do people tell you they get ASMR feelings from you? I don't know if they use the term ASMR. They sometimes use terms that are slightly more lascivious than that. Oh, dear.

Oh, no. It's flattering, I guess, in a way. There's occasionally some men who write saying they love to hear me swear. Oh, boy. But I'm happy to provide that service. Wow. You're very positive. A download is a download.

Yeah. She loves her listeners. Yeah. Look, Radiot download is a download. Yeah. She loves her listeners. Yeah. Look, Radiotopia is donor supported. Yeah. Fan service is fan service. Right. Give me money and I'll say whatever word you like to fap to.

Yeah. As long as it's Squarespace. Rate us five. Yes, exactly. Rate us five stars. Donate in the MaxFunDrive and I'll make all the goddamn clicking noises you want. Like a little dolphin. Yeah.

Talking to my dolphin buddies. Jordan, Helen, should we, just in case, like we obviously, we haven't collected the fap words from our audience, but do we want to just throw out a couple of words just in case we want to fap to them? Oh, sure. Yeah. We can just throw out what we think is our most fappable word. I'll start.

Kraken. Cantaloupe. Deciduous. Evergreen. Broadbean. Fap. Dexter Jetster Clot Old Deuteronomy

Am I doing this right? No none of us are None of us are doing this right This is all incorrect How does self pleasure work? I don't know Where do babies come from? Costco.

Costco. Yes. You get a flat of babies. No, that's where you get a rotisserie chicken. Oh, yeah. You get 12 babies each with a toothpick stuck into their heads. It was one of those days at Costco where everybody, you know how there's an area where the rotisserie chickens come out from behind a wall?

I don't. Uh-uh. There's like a warmer. Like a page chickens come out from behind a wall? I don't. Uh-uh. There's like a warmer. Like a pageant. There's like a wall-mounted. Time for the swimsuit competition. There's like a wall-mounted warming rack. Wow.

That's, you know, five feet tall, six, eight feet wide, and it's got, you know, rails, and the chickens come in from in where they get cooked, and they come out to where you can pick them up. And it was one of those things. There's no chickens on there. There's a bunch of old ladies with their arms crossed staring daggers at that shit. Fucking intimidating. When's the chicken coming?

Yeah, the next chicken that comes out is mine, baby. Rotate it faster. Exactly. Don't know how cooking works. I think it has to do with rotational speed. Okay, let's take another call, huh? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and I guess Jordan from Parallel Universe that's ruled by a fascist snake regime.

Close. My momentous occasion is that I just came out to my parents as transgender, and it went really well. Anyways, love the show, you guys. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Hey, congratulations. Yay. Ba-dum, ba-da-da-da, bum, bum, bum.

Head to Costco and treat yourself to a flat of stag chili. God, I'd love to do that. I can't, you know, there's no room in my house for the canned goods and shit. Yeah. Why? Because you filled it with toilet paper. I can only, the only, it's got to be, there's only a few staples, the paper goods, the soaps. These are the main things that I'm buying.

You've got to have your wall hole wall. And then I'll buy a thing of mangoes and a thing of apples and a thing of asparagus bushel of apples and you know i'll just have asparagus three times in the week you know and then knock out that asparagus but man i'd love to have a fucking flat as dag you know what you know what else i'd love to have flat at garbanzo beans oh sure yeah those are useful you can throw can throw those in a salad. Couldn't you line your fence with them? Just stack them behind the fence like a reinforcement for the fence? That might work.

Helen, this idea is, if anything, too good. Yeah. It'll also make it more difficult for intruders. God. Well, unless they're stealing the cans of chili. Unless they're chili thieves. You guys don't think that they have cans of corned beef hash at Costco, do they? I bet they do.

I'm on record of how I feel about a can of corned beef hash. That's my favorite can. They've probably got a water slide, which has just corned beef hash gushing down it. What do you mean? I guess I can't pay. When you say they sell water slides at Costco. In the British one, they had a fucking water slide. Yeah, they have a seasonal area that will have like a 12 foot by 12 foot gazebo.

Yep. Like it'll have pool floats. Like you need to assemble it, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. But it's assembled in the store for display. It's just above you. Yes.

It's up in the sky. Boy, I'd hate to get squashed by one of those, huh? I'd love it. Would you rather get squashed by that or a 70-inch television? Oh, well. I think I'd take Gazebo. Yeah, Gazebo death is much more dignified. Because if the TV fell on you, everyone would be like, I was watching the Handmaid's Tale.

No, I can't see because this guy's brains are all over it. Honestly, guys, I wasn't going to talk about this, but getting squashed by a gazebo is the only way I can get an erection. Oh, wow. So where did I get all these kids? I'm amazed they still let you in Costco. Squashed by three gazebos and here I am. Yeah. So can you go down the slide in the Costco?

I didn't because I assumed that it wouldn't have been built with people doing that in mind. Yeah. Yeah. It's like hanging from the ceiling. Like the bottom of it is at the height of the pile of boxes of things. Okay. Yeah. So like there's an area and it's just like you get as many sunblocks as you need, as many giant beach towels as you need, as many pool floats.

You'll plug in inflatable mattress. Yeah. That's the area. Next weekend, I'm going to do one of two things. I'm either going to go to Disneyland and finally see Galaxy's Edge or I'm going to go to Costco for the first time since 1999. Why not both? Get the multi-park ticket. Right.

Yeah. Where you go to Disneyland, California Adventure, and Costco. I'm taking votes. I'm taking votes. What do you want to hear my impressions of? Galaxy's Edge or Costco? Let's sound off. Sound off.

I'm not- Not you guys, the fans. I mean, all I'm saying is this. I ain't never seen Al Madrigal at Disneyland. Have you seen him at Costco? Yeah, I was at Costco one time. It was great. That sounds fun.

I was like, hey, Al. Gave him a big hug. Said hi to his kids. Yeah. They were having the time of their lives because it's the happiest place on earth. Yeah. Because they had those chicken bakes. Sure.

They'd grown up on all of the Costco cartoons. Right. They were wearing the costumes of the Costco princesses. Get yourself one of those Barry Parfaits. The Costco princesses. There's just like a giant French's mustard princess. Yeah, there's Sandra Von

Chicken. Costco princesses have a lifelong return policy. Oh. Yeah. That's nice. So there you go. Except for the asparagus princess. 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number. Only when she pees. 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, a 12-episode special miniseries called I, Potius, in which we recap, discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called I, Claudius. We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as star of I, Claudius, Sir Patrick Stewart, and his son, non-Sir Daniel Stewart. Don't worry, Dan, you'll get there someday.

iPodius is the name of the show. Every week from MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks. Get them at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey, you've reached Dr. Game Show. Leave your message after the beep. Dr. Game Show is my favorite podcast and the only podcast my parents let me listen to because I'm 12. But even old people love this show.

Basically, you call in, play games, and have fun. If you win a game, a baby will send you a magnet in the mail. I have so many magnets and put them all over my locker. And pretty much everyone at school is jealous because they are very cool custom magnets. And it also means that I'm really good at winning games. And they even let me practice my record live on the air. Listening to this show is like going to a real doctor, but pretty much kind of better. Doctor Games for Raw. like going to a real doctor, but pretty much kind of better.

Dr. Game Show rocks. Listen to Dr. Game Show on Maximum Fun. New episodes every other Wednesday. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Not sure how I got up here. What a wacky voice. Yeah, it was totally by accident.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Helen Zaltzman, Costco princess. Oh, yeah. Helen, what's it? What's it, Top Thing? Wish upon a flat of stag chili helen what's the top thing you'd like to buy uh you you as with your peripatetic lifestyle it's probably difficult for you to shop at a membership only discount store but hugely inconvenient although i did

i have an expired costco membership card that i use as my photo ID in the US. As I have no driver's license. They respect the Costco. It counts. Yes. What are you using that to get into? Clubs? You know me.

Yeah. Love to club. Love to club. Sam's Club, for example. Can you fly? Can you get on like an airplane? It's official government ID, right? Yeah.

No, it's just I don't even drink alcohol. But sometimes when you're going to an establishment to eat that sells alcohol, they want to ID you, which is how I got thrown out of a pizza place in Seattle. It was grim stuff. And that's how I learned. Take your Costco card out with you. Seattle's not fucking around. Oh, boy. They don't want you on that pizza at midnight. But Take your Costco card out with you. Seattle's not fucking around. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, boy. They don't want you on that pizza at midnight.

But they're pro-discount. Are they? Yeah, well, they took their Costco card. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Plus, Costco pays well, living wage and everything. I've heard that.

I've heard it's a nice place to work. Yeah. And all the fucking Super Mario 4 you can play. I bet it's not out on the floor anymore because they set it up in the employee break lounge. They've gone all Sega. They have a master system in addition to the Genesis and the Game Gear. Okay. But there is no Dreamcast.

No, they're not up to Dreamcast. They're just slowly – they went back in time and they're just doing Sega consoles. They had Dreamcast for a while. Right. But people got really into talking to Seaman. Right, sure, and they weren't shopping as much because they were too busy trying to make Seaman love them.

It's a grumpy fish with a human face that lives inside your Sega Dreamcast. I had access to a friend's Sega Mega but the only game we had was the 1992 Barcelona Olympics game. Oh, was the 1992 Barcelona Olympics game. Oh, I played that Barcelona Olympics game.

It slaps. Yeah. They never got it. That was the peak of Olympics games. Right. What events did they have in that? I think just hurdles. Right.

Just hurdles. Somebody's composing an angry email to us right now. Well, actually. Yeah. Look, we're just deploying hyperbole so who was dan doing the decathlon against dan meet dave or something i've no idea versus dave it was like a series of television commercials about decathletes that was dan versus someone i don't remember this duplass actually a Duplass film. Nike commercials. Dan's decathlon.

Right, this does sound like a Mark Duplass joint from 2002. Brian should have already found what it's called by now. They did one called the Dodeca Pentathlon, the Duplasses. Oh, yeah?

Maybe that's what you're thinking of. That's probably what you're saying. Dan and Dave, there you go. What are they advertising? Jordan was too busy watching the movie Meet Dave. Right. Do they think soul man?

Or done in real life. Reebok. It was Reebok? Huh. Man, that was a lot of brand equity that Nike built up

with me just from me not paying attention to the fact it was a Reebok ad. I guess so. Or Reebok or the Bridesmaid.

Yeah. Wow. Well, Helen Zaltzman. Jessie Thorne. You can find her on the bridesmaid. Yeah. Wow. Well, Helen Zaltzman. Jessie Thorne. You can find her on the podcast, The Allusionist, A-L-L-U-S-I-O-N-I-S-T. I can't spell. Something like that.

Yes. The Allusionist, meaning a person who makes illusions. Sure. It's her podcast about close-up magic. Oh, you're just setting them up for disappointment, which is how I like to get people into my work. Right. Mad right off the bat. Jordan, let me ask our audience this.

Hey there, you with the earphones on, are you a word nerd? Oh. It's very sad. It's your own fault you started the show. You picked what it's about. Now your friends are all word nerds. Or curd nerds.

God, I'd love to. See, if we started a cheese podcast. You already have a cheese podcast with Hodgman. I have one episode. I have a one and done cheese podcast with Hodgman. What kind of cheese was it about? We just talked about our life in cheese. Wow.

That's just one episode. Just one episode. I've heard about Hodgman's life serving in a cheese shop in london yeah with some kind of bad romance that happened to him jordan served in a cheese romance in uh silver lake really silver lake cheese store yeah i'd say cheese i was very bad at it um yeah we were going to when listen max fun drive's coming up yeah last year we said, Hodgman and I said we would record an unprecedented second episode of our cheese podcast. Yeah. Shooting the breeze.

Yeah. Shooting the cheese, surely. B-R-I-E. No, breeze. B-R-I-E. Okay, fine. But that might be better, honestly. A little clearer.

Spelling jokes aren't great. We tried really hard to get Alison Brie or Drew Brees, the football quarterback, and failed at both. Brie Larson also said no. Yes. A lot of people turned us down. But we did get a clear no from Brie Larson. That's true.

Yeah, so that was pretty good. She's probably been asked on a lot of cheese podcasts. So we said if we reached a certain level in the Max Fund Drive, we would record a second episode because I think Hodgman and I both agree this is by and large the most popular thing either of us have ever done. True. You know why? I'm not there. Like finally. Yeah, easy explanation.

Those two guys. Although we did very well in the Max Fund Drive last year, we did not reach that level. So we did not record the second episode as much as we wanted to. Um. Maybe the fans didn't want it. Maybe they didn't. They're like, oh, I. Just go in beneath.

Yeah. That's the last thing I need. I'm lactose intolerant, even podcast wise. All the lactose intolerant felt like we were taunting them. Exactly. Um, but I'm, I'll have to run this by Hodgman, but I think we can put it back on the table for this year. Max Fun Drive is coming up. And if Hodgman's game, I'm game.

We can revisit the idea of doing another episode of Shooting the Breeze. But there has to be an impressive showing in the Max Fun Drive. That's all I'm going to say. I mean, we're only about a week away from the launch of Hodgman and Elliot Kalin's podcast, a recap podcast of the television miniseries iClaudius called iPodius. So if you want more niche,

more funny in concept than in execution podcasts, consider giving a little bit in the Max Fun Drive when that comes up. We're working on our Max Fun bonus episode right now. Brian's putting it together. Yeah, it's going to be a ton of fun. This is what we're going to do, Helen.

Yes. I'll tell you this right now. We can talk about it. Let's just throw it out there. Let's talk about it. You're going to tape in Costco. Yes. We probably should.

Just taste testing various kinds of stag chili. In one of their six-person tents that they have fully assembled. Let's do the gazebo. Let's find a way to grappling hook up to the ceiling and tape in the gazebo. I mean, there's probably some tents out there, too. We can zip in there. That'd be nice. So this is what we're going to do.

Well, you're familiar with the idea of a drinking game, right? Yes, when you just drink a cup of tea really fast, right? And then go right to bed. Or singing a song. Our show, our bonus episode is going to be a regular episode of Jordan, Jesse, Cole with a very special guest. Did we decide who the guest is? Ben Harrison, I think. Oh, yeah.

I think we're going to try and get Ben Harrison. Brian, change it. Yeah, I don't think we've invited Ben yet. Have we? Okay. Ben Harrison from Great, change it. Yeah, I don't think we've invited Ben yet. Have we? Okay. Ben Harrison from Greatest Generation and so forth. We're going to do a Jordan-Jesse-Go drinking game. Only we have to drink.

But since I don't drink, we're going to buy me a marijuana soda. Oh. Yeah. So we do not know the drinking rules. Only Brian will know the rules. So over the course of the episode, Brian will let us know when to drink. And I think Jesse is going to drink a wheat soda. And Ben and I will be drinking some sort of trendy alcoholic seltzer brand to be determined.

I think Bud Light brand. Yeah. If we can find the Bud Light brand, I'm down for it. I mean, they had an ad for it in the Super Bowl. It can't be that hard to find. That's true. Will he allow you bathroom breaks, or is that the purpose of the drinking game, just to see whose bladder explodes first?

Oh, no. We'll be pissing in our pants. And that's an extra drink. If you piss in your pants, you have to drink. We'll have sneaker leaks. That's like a little thing for truckers so they don't have to pull over to pee. Yes. Love a trucker.

I know about this because my friend from college, Matt Dobbs' dad, sold them over the phone. That's fun. He had to answer his home phone. Hello, Dobbs Enterprises. How can I help you? Home of the Sneaker League. He mostly sold Central American imports until he hit on the Sneaker League

and started having a lot of success. Wow. I haven't thought a lot about Matt Dobbs' dad in a while. It's fun to think about from time to time. His life motto was suck the juices. Right. That's very graphic.

And then pee them out, apparently. Yeah. You've got to keep them away from the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco. Yeah. A lot of juices in there. Drying them out. A lot of juices. We have a lot of fun on this show.

Helen also is one of the hosts of the podcast Answer Me This. That's right. With Olly Mann. They answer questions of all kinds. Relationship questions. Sure. General knowledge questions. Other questions.

Moral stuff. Moral. About culture. You know, whatever's a problem. I'm a big... Helen, I think you know this, but I'm a big fan of the show. I listen to every episode. That's very devoted of you, because some of them are not strong.

So just concentrate on the good. I have another podcast as well, which I'd imagine is not your favorite one. Oh, it's Veronica Mars' podcast. Yeah, it's Veronica Mars Investigations, recapping the televisual series Veronica Mars, just your favorite one. Oh, it's this Veronica Mars podcast. Yeah, it's Veronica Mars Investigations, recapping the television series Veronica Mars. Wow. Just finished season one.

How? Oh, have you seen the new Veronica Marses? I've seen four of the eight new Veronica Marses. Are they any good? Yeah, kind of. But I have been spoiled for what happens at the end. And the tweet deck column I have set up for the term Veronica mars tells me that pretty much every fan is furious about it i i'll say this about uh veronica mars you might presume that i don't like veronica mars but i do like it's a good show i like veronica

mars 60 a good show is what i've discovered through recapping it intensively yes some sometimes it goes off course yeah didn't we all uh but you know what? I haven't watched the new Veronica Marses, the newest. I watched the movie, but I haven't watched the newest episodes. But I will say this. I like the idea of these new Veronica Marses because both the actor and character are adults, so I don't have to feel weird about having a crush on them. Yay! Yeah.

So there you go. That must be a relief for a lot of people. Something I really like about the new – and plus, Ira Glass was in the movie. So that was fun. Yes. I haven't seen him in the reboot yet. But Rob Thomas had watched the TV show Fargo and wanted to write Veronica Mars much more like Fargo. Still heads up.

He's a very nice man. Rob Thomas was on the Sound of America once a very long time ago on a live show that we did in West Los Angeles, probably our first L.A. live show. And he sent me an email. He said, I might be a little late to the show. It's my little brother's 18th birthday. And I was like, oh, you have a little brother who's only 18? He's like no, big brothers, big sisters. I've been his mentor for 12 years and he's going away to college and he's having his 18th birthday. That's beautiful. It was gorgeous. He's a very sweet man. Stand up guy. Very nice man. Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20.

Hell of a... Different guys, right? Different guys? God, that would be awesome if the guy from Matchbox 20 also made that great tv show yeah i got it's the show's over but i i drove by the hollywood bowl today matchbox 20 is playing the hollywood bowl jesus christ yeah right anyway i can't name one of their songs is that okay yeah don't name them you don't need them you don't name them. You don't need them. You don't need them. Yeah. Stick with Veronica Mars. That's good. Sure.

Stick with Veronica Mars and Third Eye Blind. Okay. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer over there. You can find us on the internet. Maximumfun.org is a website. Maximumfun.reddit.com, that's like a discussion board. Sure. Twitter.com is a popular website. MaximumFun.reddit.com. That's like a discussion board. Twitter.com is a

popular website. You can put your hashtag JJGo, and that will help others find your comments, including us. We'll take a look at your comments. Sure. Love a comment. Love to see what you... Who knows? Maybe I'll fave it. Maybe Daddy will fave. Sure. Get that. Get those sweet faves. You need them. Hey, Curly Dad, you going to fave a little? Don't call me that. I know we're supposed to yes and on this. Sorry, Curly. God damn, don't call me that.

Curly Dad. You know, I'm having my hair chemically altered to look like J. Jonah Jameson so I can get a job late in life as a J. Jonah Jameson character and the Marvel's Avengers Campus coming soon to California Adventure. Get me pictures of Spider-Man. You're fired. I'm great at this. Chomping on my classic cigar. He probably won't chomp on a cigar in the land.

It's bad, you know. You don't want to promote smoking. Oh, that's a good point. What if they do want to promote smoking? Maybe he will. Then he'll have his famous cigar. Yeah. He'll just chomp on it. Don't presume. He'll just chomp on one of those his famous cigar. Yeah. Don't presume.

Let me just chomp on one of those delicious Disneyland churros. Don't presume. Bring me pictures of Spider-Man. I like churros. I love churros. Get me some Dole Whip. Yeah. Okay, we'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.

MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture artist owned audience supported