Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 625: Slurping Like a Pigeon with Sarah Morgan

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

Sarah Morgan (The Fear podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Sarah's first experience eating a funnel cake (and her favorite kinds of batter), Jesse's update concerning his status as the King of Drugs, and the unique texture of the British mints Sarah brought for everyone to try. Plus, there's a new character in the British person doing a funky American accent category!  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Jordan, my eyes are crossed. My lids are shaking. Right. My throat is scratchy. Are you getting the famous Ghostbusters blowjob that Dan Aykroyd received in the movie Ghostbusters?

Those are the symptoms of the famous Ghostbusters blowjob. The number one supernatural blowjob and comedy pull from the last five years. I've just had a – Five years? Sorry. Okay. Our guest on the program. Sorry.

Dan Aykroyd himself. I'm sorry. I couldn't keep silent. A moment of five years. Our guest on the program, comedy writer, a longtime friend of this program. Acquaintance. We've met. Working on a special but as yet unannounced project

with our own Jordan Morris that you'll hear an announcement of very soon, but not yet. Not tonight. Not now, but soon. But soon. Or not soon. Sarah Morgan.

Ooh, we've wet your whistle. Ahoy, ahoy. Is that hoping to wet their whistle yeah uh yes just consider your whistle wet listeners your whistle's damp

we've moistened your whistle we've moistened your whistle my my whistle's wet with ectoplasm right Jesse is pointing at his getting my dick sucked

by a I liked it when he fucked the toaster in the sequel because it was like the same joke but did he fuck a toaster in the sequel yeah he put some well no he fucked a handfulaster in the sequel because it was like the same joke. Did he fuck a toaster in the sequel? Yeah. He put some – no, he fucked a handful of slime.

Because remember he made the slime under the city that was bad vibes? Yeah. I like the sequel. I know people don't. But yeah. Sequel's all right. It's good. If the sequel's on AMC and you turn it on at four on Sunday and you tune into it periodically, you'll go, hey, that Ghostbusters sequel ain't that bad.

I think that once, maybe like five years ago on this show, I had just watched Ghostbusters for the first time since childhood. And I mentioned on this show that I found it to be a fun movie where almost nothing funny happens. But I liked all the different guys and all that different stuff. I liked all that stuff, but I just didn't think it was very funny. And I probably spent three years making up for that, like digging myself back up out of that hole. That's a good thing you've brought it up again. Reopen the wound. Well, let me just say now, Jordan, that the comments I received really changed the way I looked at my experience.

So now you think it's funny. I, too, disagree with me. Oh, okay. Drag yourself. Yes. Drag yourself, King. But no, I just – So why are you scratchy-eyed?

Well, I was sick, and then I went out at night. And I think as a parent yourself, and Sarah, you were here with your husband and child this past week and they've just gone back to England. But as a parent yourself, I think you will know two major things that I went, three major things that I went through this week. One is your child just brings you illnesses. They're primarily a vehicle for illnesses. Yeah, a petri dish of whatever gross things going on at their school. Yeah. And they are extraordinarily powerful. Like that's the thing.

Like a child, you know, my mom had tuberculosis as a child. She's still knocking around. You know what I mean? If she got tuberculosis right now, that'd be the end of the story. Yeah. So they bring it to you and then you have it for a week and are miserable even though you're the one with responsibilities. Will you get something that the child shows no symptoms of? Yeah.

They'll have like a half hour of like drowsy time. And then you'll get like the plague. Okay. That's pretty much how it works. Okay. The second thing is despite the fact that I was sick, my wife and I- You guys have kids. I don't. I got to get a son.

Sorry. Yeah. You should get a son. I got to get a son. Does Bug not bring home- From daycare? Yeah. I've started dropping her off at human daycare.

I'm just looking for ways to appear more sad to the outside world kitty daycare yeah kitty daycare oh actually that sounds adorable that does sound kind of cute yeah i miss my cat i really miss my cat i remember my child i saw her this morning she's at the airport that's fine my cat i've not seen for a week and what do you do with the cat when you're uh he's very self-sufficient people came in they came out there was they came out. There was a family, you know, rota of people who pop in,

play with the cat, feed the cat, be ignored by the cat. He's very, he's like a kind of, he's like a distinguished gentleman. He's like one of those dudes who just goes around going,

oh, you can't say anything anymore, like confused by the world. He's a real Julian Fellows type. You can't tell your co-workers they look nice. Yeah, you can't hold a door for anyone. He just seems really apologetic. What's wrong with the House of Lords? type. You can't tell your co-workers they look nice. Yeah, you can't hold a door for anyone. He just seems really apologetic.

What's wrong with the House of Lords? Yeah. You can't say, you're not even allowed to have gingerbread men anymore. No, no, they're gingerbread people now. No one said that, booty. Wait, we should do more cat specific. So, oh, you're not allowed to lay in a sunbeam anymore. We should have been adding cat shit into that riff while we were doing it.

Brian, go ahead and add some cat shit into that last riff. He lingers in doorways looking apologetic at all times. Yeah, that's his role in life, like a dad, like a sort of disenfranchised dad of a cat. I miss him. The second situation that I face that I imagine you've probably faced is we had booked a babysitter three weeks previous for no special occasion. It was just a date night. Oh, lovely. We've been working on once a month having a babysitter.

And so we got the once a month babysitter for this past weekend. And I was like hacking and sweating. But I was like, fuck it. We're fucking going on a date. So we went out. That sounds sexy. You're going to clean up my diarrhea. We went out.

We saw Hannah Gadsby do her show. It was a lot of fun. And ate afterwards, which to eat after something when you're a parent is the greatest luxury of all. What time did you start that dinner? Nine o'clock? Ten o'clock? It was a two-show night for Hannah Gadsby, so it was a 6.30 door, seven o'clock show situation.

Love those. So yeah, it was more like a nine o'clock dinner, but that truly felt like one o'clock in the morning. Sure. By the time everything was all settled, the babysitter was home, the romance had concluded. The diarrhea was cleaned up.

Yeah. It was about midnight when we went to sleep, which for me, extraordinarily late. And that's when I dealt with the third thing, which is children don't care what time you went to bed the night before. night before. Like my children are in our bright eyed and bushy tail that we've worked very hard to train them to wake up at 6 a.m. But that has been like very, very hard work to get them even to that point. And like at at 6 a.m. They're the they want their natural state is getting up earlier than that.

Yes. Are you concerned that they're farmers? I would love it if my children were farmers. That'd be great. Yeah. Hell, I'd love it if my children had farmer's insurance. That'd be nice. Yeah.

Maybe if they took out, as long as it's not one of those things, one of those Menendez situations where they take out a big insurance policy on you and then murder you. Oh, yeah. You don't want to get Menendez'd. Yeah. That might not be what happened in the Menendez case. I want to make that clear. Hard to say.

That tabloid thing from 1992. Yeah. You don't want to get Tonya Harding. I think we can all agree. We've all bobbited. We've all bobbited. I'm nodding politely. These were tabloids.

Monica Lewinsky? Yeah. Viagra. You don't want to get Viagra'd. I'm just naming topical things Exactly Because Jay Leno May have made fun of him When he was still on the air

Yeah The Judge Ito dancers Yes The Judge Ito dancers The Oh yeah The in retrospect Definitely racist

Jay Leno jokes Sure The Judge Ito dancers This is just things I've seen on The Simpsons Yeah Yeah So I'm I'm in Simpsons. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm in a rough state, but guys.

You got kept up. I'm going to drink three or four ounces of this Coca-Cola in my hand. And for the at-home listener, I'm holding a drink called a Coca-Cola. I'm going to drink three or four ounces of this, and it's going to give me the power to make it through this recording. What are you going to do with the other ounces? I was thinking I'd just pour them down my pants. Okay. Yeah. Soap down my pants. Okay. Soap up your diarrhea.

No, I sort of expand my diarrhea. Yeah, I guess so. I guess maybe just to clean the area. Certainly glaze it. Plus, I've heard... For maybe barbecuing later. Sure, yeah. You want to soak it in Coca-Cola.

Just for fun. I don't know if you knew this, Jordan, but you know about what happens when you add Mentos to Diet Coke, right? I don't. You get those fountains from YouTube videos. Oh, sure. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same thing happens when you add regular Coke to Ectoplasm. Oh, sure. So I'm going to pour it on my dick and, you know. See what happens. I have a question for you, Jesse, that I did not ask at dinner earlier because I wanted to ask on air to spoil the magic that we ate food before this. Are you still the king of drugs?

Yeah, in fact. Jordan and I. Well, yeah, that's funny, guys. I wanted to check in about this. On Sarah's last visit, Jesse, a man who for most of his life has never had a substance, an altering substance. He's a real Sandra Dee. I'd take a sip of champagne and a wedding toast or a sip of red wine if I was taking the sacrament at church.

Sure. But never anything more than that, yeah. But now you started taking medical marijuana for migraine purposes. Yeah. My idea was I should just do it because it helps people. And my migraines were too big of a problem to let this weird principle from when I was 15... And in Minor Threat. And in Minor Threat, yes.

You just didn't want to get kicked out of Minor Threat. I wasn't technically in Minor Threat. I was one of the Minor Threat dancers. Oh, sure, yeah. The Macayettes. Yeah. And yes, and the last time that Sarah was here was when I had decided. Right? Was right when I had decided or had I already started? I think, yeah, you turned up and you announced you were the king of drugs. And it was exciting.

Yeah. You were tripping. You were tripping balls, dude. you were you were some kind of mint yeah so i you'd eaten a mint right you had trails yeah that was the debut of it of king of drugs yeah so this is my uh first of all brian you're fired no one talked to you no one needs come on he was confirming that that was the episode. He's saving us. He's saving me, Brian, alone. Listen, you're all going to be cleaning up your Ghostbusters shit all week.

You don't need to get an episode number wrong. Now, I want to be clear. I'm going to make Brian clean up the Ghostbusters shit. You're talking about the diarrhea that I had earlier that's mixed with ectoplasm? Oh, yeah. Let's try and keep that in the reality. Sure. Yes.

So I heard flammatory comments about the unfunny movie that is more charming than it is full of laughs. Yeah. Filmory riffs are funny. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. There's a few funny things. Cats and dogs living together. I mean, the reality is that all 80s movies are not funny.

Except the Police Academies, which I just visited. You just saw Police Academy and you're saying it actually is funny. I saw four Police Academies. Four? I watched four. You were into the non-Gutenberg catalog. When did Gutenberg leave? I think on five, Miami Beach, which I have not watched.

But me and my family did all the first four on Netflix in our Airbnb this week. And it's been a fucking joy. It really has. That's great. Yeah, there are some racisms that don't hold up, but are punished quite quickly. The homophobia doesn't really sort of fly at all in it because as far as the Blue Oyster Bar incidents in it go, there is a bar where some men just enjoy tangoing with each other and if you walk in they will make you tango with them

and my kid thought that was hilarious she doesn't understand that there's a gay panic thing there yeah without the context of gay panic it's it's just some fun gay guys it's just some enforced tangoing it's like some guys with mustaches guys with mustaches and leather hats if you walk into their bar they will grab you and they will dance with you i would i would argentine It's just some enforced tangoing. It's like some guys with mustaches and leather hats. If you walk into their bar, they will grab you and they will dance with you. I would love to be forced out of my shell like that. Exactly. As a man who doesn't like to dance, but maybe should.

And as a man who's always looking for a justification for the rose he's constantly holding between his teeth. Right, yes. It's sort of embarrassing, but it's your thing. Yeah. I always want to one button another shirt button. Yeah. So, yeah,

so I have done it a lot since, this is my experience, been my experience with this, Tara. It is not fixed. Your drugs help. It is not fixed

or really helped my migraines. Right. But being high on drugs is cool and fun. Now, let me ask you this. Yeah. So when Sarah was here maybe a year ago and, you know, you just started using marijuana.

Yeah. And we all know that marijuana is a gateway drug. Right. So have you moved on to using, let's say, Nuke, the futuristic drug from RoboCop 2? Yeah, I've used Nuke a few times. Oh, you're Nuking dude? I also am completely obsessed with The Stuff from the movie The Stuff. Oh, true.

That's just a zombie yogurt. It's like a zombie alien thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, on the one hand, ideally it would help my migraines. I definitely think 100% my preference would be for it to have been clinically beneficial to me. Medically useful. With this horrible disability that I live with almost every day of my life.

But that said. It makes watching Steven Universe a lot more fun, right? Drugs are cool and fun yeah and maybe a police academy movie I don't know

how does does how did your child respond to Michael Winslow oh loved loved but her favorite

was definitely Bobcat Goldthwait by like a mile like if you could get a t-shirt with him on she would buy because she

he breaks the laws of physics a lot in the film yeah which to her is fucking hilarious because it's quite straight and then he'll shout at a door and the door will fall over and that's just you know that's a funny thing a man can shout and he shouts loudly in another one and a guy's glasses break yeah because of shouting that's just i'm i'm spec'm speculating based on the messages you send around your cultural positioning, Sarah. But you seem like the kind of person who would have a lot of fond feelings about Bobcat Goldthwait based on his second career as a maker of cult films. I am very excited about the idea that soon I will be able, but not soon, in like a decade or so, be able to say my child, you know,

world's best dad, world's greatest dad. World's greatest dad. Yeah, God bless America. The Robin Williams one? Yeah, God bless America. And when she's like 30 and able to cope with it, the Sleeping Dogs lie one. Was it called Stay Here?

It had two different names. Yeah. I know enough about Bob Cuddle. I think it was called Sleeping Dogs Lie. Yeah. I think I saw that one too. That's about dog fuckers, isn't it? It's about –

Roughly. It's a beautiful idea. It's a woman in college while bored and experimental decides to blow her dog. And that isn't the story of the film. That's the thing that happens about 10 years later when she's talking to her boyfriend. He says, you know, tell me anything. We should share all our secrets. It's called The Maccguffin yeah it is it's very much it's very much like

the temple it's like the the holy grail yeah sure it's a dog blood she writes it on a piece of paper puts it in a briefcase and handcuffs it to her exactly it's like the trunk in pole fiction she uh yeah she she he says you can tell me anything tell me this thing from your past and she tells him this and it's about their relationship unraveling massively because she should never have told her big secret. So it's actually about relationships and what you should and shouldn't share and what you shouldn't burden a partner with.

But it starts with a woman blowing a dog. You don't see it, but it's a great film. I highly recommend it. If you like sweet indie rom-coms that start with a dog blowjob. I think I can say I have no experiences with Michael Winslow. Excuse me, I have no experiences with Steve Guttenberg. Right.

But we have had... Could you list all of the members of the Academy? You've had no experiences. Bob Kett Goldthwait came on The Sound of Young America with me, and he has a reputation here in the Los Angeles comedy community being a great guy. Definitely matched with my expectation. Really smart, sweet, funny, wonderful guy. And the movies of his that I watched, I really liked.

I will say, when we were in college, Michael Winslow blew off an interview on our college radio show. Did not show up or call in. This is actually the first time we've said it publicly because I actually filled in for him. Jordan, this is just the time. That was a hovercraft? That was actually unrelated to Michael Winslow. I had a stroke. Sorry.

Help. Call an ambulance. That was Jordan recreating the time that Laurie Anderson didn't call into our show. Yeah. Luckily, you have me on board. Anybody. Anybody could flake. Yeah.

Michael Winslow. Come Yeah, Michael Winslow. Come on, Michael Winslow. Your gig at the crow's nest in Santa Cruz is worth plugging on a college radio station in Santa Cruz. Who are our flakes? We had a lot of flakes in the time we were doing college radio. Michael Winslow, Didi Ramon. Oh, Didi Ramon. Died a week later.

What was horrible, what was traumatic about someone flaking on our show when we were in college? Two things. Number one, our show was on live. So, we would, like, and there was no producer booth at our college radio station. So, basically what would happen is, I would run

the board while we were doing the show, and I would put on a song and just pick up the phone and call the person while the song was on, and if we didn't and you know we'd give them a quick introduction and then you know get ready and then fade the song down and so uh because it was all going on live uh it was terrifying the prospect of someone flaking on us was terrifying because we were 100% not capable of filling the time. No. Like not even close to like – people think because they listen to this show and they're like, well, there's 80 minutes. Surely they were good at it at some point.

80 minutes of Jordan, Jesse, go and nothing happened. Filling time must be the thing they're best at. Sure. This show is exclusively time filling. I could nip out, go to the shops, come back. You guys would be just chilling. But 100%. Sarah's still here.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, Superman. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. But like one. Oh, Superman? What's that? That's Laurie Anderson. Oh, okay.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. There you go. We're all doing Laurie Anderson. Oh, okay. Ha, ha, ha, ha. There you go. They were all doing Laurie Anderson. Yeah. Except for children. Philip Glass? Like 100%, I think, the reason that we started doing interviews on The Sound of Young America when we were a college, which, like, remains my job that I tell people at parties.

Like, I was at a children's birthday party today. Someone asked me what I do for a living. I didn't say I host a podcast that's impossible to explain. I said I'm a public radio host, right? Like I interview artists and musicians. And 20 years later, we're still doing it. 100% the reason we started doing it and continued to do it through our college years was because we were confident that we could not fill the time without someone else to ask questions and just like put it on their plate. Like I think we had an idea that we were going to write jokes for the show.

We would write some jokes for the show. And then we would be like, wow, we worked really hard. That took two minutes. Yeah, we got four minutes of jokes out of it. Now we have 56 minutes to fill. Yeah, I remember very vividly the horror when someone wasn't there because if they weren't there, that meant we had to do something to fill the hour. That is like a pit in my stomach that I still feel today.

You know, if someone flakes, you dip into the community announcements. People know when the Aptos Chess Club is meeting. Exactly. Sunday's at 2. Sunday's at 2. Does the Stripping Improv Group have a show coming up? We'll give them a plug.

And so when Didi Ramon was supposed to be on the show, I remember us calling and calling. And we kept getting his wife at his house. And every time we would get his wife, we'd say, oh, you know, we had arranged to do an interview with him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she would say, oh, yeah, he's at the grocery store, which he may have been at the grocery store. That might have been a euphemism for doing hard drugs. Yeah. Either way.

But I remember that at one point we just gave up and started playing his rap songs from his rap album as D.D. King, including probably the biggest hit on that that I remember. The one that I hold closest to my heart. I mean, it's full of hits. It's like Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill. Yeah, totally. I recognize all these songs.

It's all hits. It's the crazy, sexy, cool of 80s rock. Right. Sure. I mean, of 80s rap.

There is a song on there called German Kid that includes the couplet. So one day, apparently, Didi Ramone just showed up to the other Ramons dressed as a rapper. True. It was like in the Beastie Boys era when a white person dressing as a rapper was still like a big news. He just showed up and announced he was a rapper now. And the part that I remember from German Kid is a couplet that goes,

Did you ever see a glider flying in the wind? I bet you didn't know I'm half German. That's, yeah. That's about the flavor of the thing. The motherfucker got bars. He sure got bars. And then he raps in German for a little while. Oh, he totally raps in German.

I forgot about that. Oh my God. So we just played that because out of a combination of being, of fear of having to fill the time and anger at him for not answering the phone. We'll show you. Yeah. We'll make people listen to your greatest embarrassment.

I'm sure we could play some of your genre-defining pop masterpieces. So the three pop culture references I have for Santa Cruz are obviously this show. Sure. So the three thing, the three pop culture references I have for Santa Cruz are obviously this show. Yeah. And Lost Boys. Sure. And the film Us.

Oh yeah. Have I now got a handle on what a Santa Cruz is? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's it. Are there other Santa Cruz things besides those three? Yeah, it's a place

where you can go to, you know, maybe talk to, listen to our college radio station. To watch a greased up shirtless man play saxophone. Sure. Right up on fun. That is very helpful to use in a gif. Yeah. And to meet your doppelganger who's doing the same thing as you underground for some reason.

Sure. Yeah. I think some people are familiar with the caveman who rides the gondola at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. That is actually my doppelganger who escaped. Is he? Yeah. Is he just a big funfair on the beach?

Is there anything else apart from a big funfair on the beach? Yeah, there's bulk food stores. Oh, sure. Okay. Like where you can get like all natural granola by the pound. Yeah. Right. I would say like if you need like-

I mean, we have those, yeah. If you need like a scoop of pumpkin seeds, if you need the butter of an unusual nut or seed, Santa Cruz is a great place. But you have to bring your own container, please. Okay. Good. Sarah, this is you. So vampires, super tropical, that might be a metaphor for something.

And yeah. You have visited L.A. often. Yes. But this is your family's You have visited L.A. often. Yes. But this is your family's first time visiting L.A. What sort of California stuff are you doing? We did the beach, which I don't normally do when I'm here. So that was lovely. So, yeah, I just enjoyed being on a beach.

Didn't need to do much more than that. I had a funnel cake. Whoa. Where'd you get the funnel? On Santa Monica Pier. Okay. I love finding new ways of eating batter and that was a particularly good one.

It was great. It really delivered. I thought I'd have done them all. Donuts, Yorkshire puddings, cronuts. I thought I'd done every kind of batter there is. Pancakes, French toast. I keep naming batters. That's the shared passion of the English person and the American state fairgoer oh yeah exactly

corn dogs uh sarah we're actually having a hard time getting our guests on the line so if you just name batters for a little while just keep going but i did but that you the funnel cake is is the funnel cake a joke or is it just no funnel cake is not a joke there are foods like is it not real well like a g1 like a deep fried twinkie is a little bit of yeah sure sure like some of those foods are like novel like deep fried pickle or whatever yeah not like fried pickle slice but like a fried whole pickle on a stick or whatever yeah that's those are examples of goofs, of battered goofs. Right. But no, I think a funnel cake is a very, very...

It's not a cake. It's just a strata of batter with some like jam. The picture on the poster was fresh strawberries and cream. And what they served was like a pool of jam. Yeah. It was like a pool of jam and a Yorkshire pudding for British listeners. And yet, insanely delicious. Yeah.

When you say British listeners, you're referring only to yourself. Oh, Ben Partridge. Oh, and Ben Partridge. Maybe Helen. If he listens, it's very nice of him. Maybe Helen's also if it's not her episode. Yeah. The three British people you know.

But it's pretty good, though. I mean, like anything, any bad or fresh out of a flyer. I think the lead singer of Black Party listens. Oh, yeah. That's true. And former Prime Minister John Major. That's true. A lot of British people.

That's all the British people. There's only a couple more. Yeah. And Julian Fellowes, the creator of Downton Abbey. Right, yes. And member of the House of Lords who actually thinks the peerage is a good idea. Yeah. He did write School of Rock as well, which is weird.

Oh, good for him. The stage musical. Oh, the stage musical. Yeah, not the movie. Not the very good movie. Just the book for the stage musical. Yeah. He wrote the songs.

He wrote We Will Rock You. Oh, wow. Yeah. I think that almost anything straight out of a fryer is going to be a success did you not like the funnel cake? I loved the funnel cake

there's a point with the funnel cake when the cold night air hits the funnel cake and it's like a race knowing it's going to get really disgusting as the heat leaves and it gets sweatier right there's like the this is too hot to eat and this is disgusting. That's

90 seconds? I'm going to hate my when you can feel like a mouth full of fat in your mouth and it's not just like jam and batter. Like you can, it's like, oh, I'm actually really, we just ate and I'm quite hungry. I'm like, I totally got a funnel cake. Yeah, it was, I just enjoyed the novelty of

I did not know there was a new method of batter. The other day I was driving home from work and for some reason I needed to curry favor with my family. Buy him a funnel cake. Work for me. So adjacent – Did you guys share a funnel cake or did you – I mean my daughter shared a funnel cake. My husband looked on in horror, which is one of the reasons why I love him.

He keeps me on the straight and narrow. Otherwise, I would just be in batter all the time. That's gross. I'm just going to eat these beignets. Yeah. Is that a good impression of your husband? Yeah. Hi, it's me, Sarah's husband.

It's me, Sarah's husband. That's gross. I eat beignets. That's right. That's what we English people do. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm an English person. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh'm an english person oh by the way just do you want me to yeah just as a as a little aside for fans for fans of the british person doing the american accent yeah what do you want you and mcgregor and birds of

i don't know if anybody's seen this but it is it's got a fun flirty little lilt to it i don't know if anybody's seen this, but it is. It's got a fun, flirty little lilt to it. I don't know what he's doing. I don't know what he's doing, but I love it. Anyway, go see Birds of Prey if you get a chance. Tons of fun. Ewan McGregor. What's he doing? I stopped.

In order to curry favor with my family, I stopped at the churro stand near my house. Another form of batter. We did not my house. Another form of batter. We did not name that as a form of batter. And the nice thing about my local churro stand is that they make the churros right in front of you. It's not a, you know, there are a lot of churro vendors who are just rolling around, you know, a Home Depot utility tub full of churros. They got a lot of those on the subway in New York, I've noticed.

And that's great. Toad in the hole. I've just thought of another one. Sorry, toad in the hole. Thank you. Yeah, sorry, carry on. Croque Monsieur. Isn't that a battered deep fried sandwich?

Oh, yeah. No, that's a sandwich dipped in egg. Oh, okay. More French toasty than, but kind of battered, I guess. Anyway, sorry. A Monte Cristo? What's a Monte Cristo? That's one.

I can always count on the Monte Cristo. So here's more than it's worth, Brian. Much more than it's worth. Brian, cancel the podcast. Oh, this is recording? Oh, no. Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry. Oh, God obviously... Oh, this is recording? Oh, no. Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry.

Oh, God. Any churro is a good churro. Uh-huh. I have no ill words to speak of churros. You get a churro at Disneyland, it'll be pretty good. Mm-hmm. But when they make it right in front of you, it's really special. When they're squeezing it out of a churro-shaped squeezer and cutting it with a pair of scissors straight into the fat and then rolling it in the sugar and cinnamon and so forth.

But the problem is the smallest number of churros you can get at the churro stand is seven. That's like a $4 set of churros. There's like a $4, a $5, and a $10 or something. And then they'll also sell you like 200 churros for an event. But the smallest number you can get is like seven. Maybe it's eight. It's a lot of churros. An odd number doesn't feel right for some reason.

So I brought it home. I brought up this bag full of churros that was basically like the size of, you know, it was like an equivalent amount of churros to like a large sourdough batard. You know what I mean? Like it was a full. I like the way you said that. It was a log shape. It was foot-like. That's actually what you said.

Yeah. It's a lot. And I took it home and I remembered that my wife recently figured out that she is allergic to wheat. Not like definitely allergic, but she gets a lot of like – she had always had super sensitive skin and she gave up wheat and stopped having problems with it. It was like, oh, my God. I guess I was just spent the last 35 years allergic to wheat. And my kids, like I gave each of them one, which was fine. That went great.

And then I was left with like, it must have been 10 churros is the least you can buy because I think there was like six left. And I couldn't give any to my wife. So I just ate all of them. Sure. Were they like in a paper bag and the paper bag was going clear oh absolutely absolutely and i was just like the whole and you know what like i wish i could tell you guys that at the end of eating all those churros i was like sick and felt regret that i had eaten the churros but at the end of it i was like those were great churros, but at the end of it, I was like, those were great churros. That was the total feeling

I was having was- Did you feel alive? Glad that I ate all those churros. That's how I felt after that funnel cake. Just felt grateful to be alive. Were there other toppings available or was it just the strawberry?

I think it was like just plain with some powdered sugar and then the beautiful dish that was- Seriously, the picture is like this beautiful mountain of strawberries or fresh strawberries right yes and yeah it was just some jam um i didn't know there was a close funnel cake i thought now you know yeah just just straight

down route 66 baby no yeah you put the top down on my convertible. Get your cakes, Jordan. Drive down the pier. Stop in there. Kill many people as I'm barreling down the pier. Run over a Zoltar machine. Yeah. Stay in a motel shaped like a wigwam, maybe. Man, that's the life. Just me and my cakes.

You got to get some cakes. Get some cakes. We can't say that unless they buy more ads. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, got to get some cakes. Get some cakes. We can't say that unless they buy more ads. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, got to get some. Fair enough. Yeah, I mean, there is one other Santa Cruz thing is at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, which is sort of the center of Santa Cruz cultural life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There is a Dippin' Dots stand. And we did once book the Dippin' Dots person. Profiteroles. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's another one. Thank you. That's a good matter. Well done. and we did once book the Dippin' Dots person. Profiteroles. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's another one. That's a good matter. Well done. Dippin' Dots are kind of like Profiteroles

but not a fancy French name, right? Am I right? A Dippin' Dot is a type of ice cream marketed as the ice cream of the future. Oh, okay. But it's been the ice cream of the future for fucking 30 years now. Since like the 1959 New York World's Fair or something. Now it's the ice cream of the future for fucking 30 years now. Since like the 1959 New York World's Fair or something.

Now it's the ice cream of the recent past. Yeah. It's a little less of a catchy slogan, I guess. At this point, it's sort of like when they sold those shoes that looked like Michael J. Fox's shoes from Back to the Future, but didn't actually have all the features. They didn't self-lace, sure. Didn't actually have all the features. They didn't self-laze, sure. But the Dippin' Dots are like cryogenically frozen with liquid nitrogen or something like that into little tiny balls.

Oh, like boba. Like boba, but they are like each is like a discreet piece of ice cream that you can move around very discreet. You can fuck them, but they won't tell your wife. They're also 420 friendly. Shaved. Yes, shaved ice cream balls. Sarah Morgan gets it. Sarah Morgan listens to too much. I'm so sick of uptight ice cream balls.

Yeah. That tell your wife as soon as you fuck them. Sometimes when I'm not sure why we do this show. It's because you remember. I remember that Sarah Morgan listens. 5,000 miles away, stuffing my face with pancakes. French style. I have a question.

Crepes, that's a batter. Crepes, yeah. That's what I mean when I say pancakes. I'm sorry. What you guys call pancakes and we call American pancakes. That's fine. Are you, like many British people I I know similarly obsessed with American style pancakes? Because I feel like I've had a lot of Britons want to talk,

talk pancake. Sure. I mean, you just have that kind of face. I think you get it. Yeah. I think, yeah.

You mean doughy, right? Yes. Yeah. I thought the beard kind of disguises it, If I poke you in the tummy, you giggle and that's a reference like that? Yes. Yeah. I thought the beard kind of disguises it, but you're not wrong. If I poke you in the tummy, you giggle, and that's a reference I get? Yeah. Yeah, sure.

You guys don't have the Pillsbury Doughboy? No. Huh. You've got the Home Pride Flour Man. You make your own dough, thank you very much. Wow. He sounds smug. I'd never thought about it that way.

Thank you very much we have flower mascots sorry sure yeah what were you asking oh pancake yeah

they're hard to make in the UK we don't have the infrastructure we don't have griddle pans you don't have the infrastructure yeah you need like a griddle well I mean you could do it in a

you could do it in a frying pan but that would take a long time even a restaurant that would take forever oh yeah you want that a griddle? Well, I mean, you could do it in a frying pan. But that would take a long time. Even a restaurant, that would take forever. Oh, yeah. You want that thing. A restaurant does not have a – there's no restaurant with a griddle. How are you cooking your potatoes? Oh, definitely not like that.

In a pan? Mashed in a pan. Oh. Or fried in a chipper. Fried in a chipper. This has been a lot of food talk given how much food we just ate. Fried in a chipper is how come they couldn't identify my mom's body.

I thought she was murdered. Wow. Got fried in a chipper. Do we have our... Is this our... Are we pivoting to true crime? Yes. Have we pivoted?

Yes, we did it. We are rich. We are rich. Okay, let's take... This is our Dirty John. Let's take a quick break to briefly glance over the Wikipedia entry for a grisly

murder of a young, attractive woman. And when we come back, we'll have more Jordan Jesse. We'll be having a conversation with Brian, our producer in the car. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. That's a true classic. I think it's seven years old, that nickname. It's funny because it's true. Hasn't aged a day. Hasn't aged a day. Friends, if you started listening to the program recently, one time Sarah really did smuggle some eel to us. A Cockney delicacy.

Delicacy's strong. A thing that Cockneys ate when they were too poor to afford other proteins called jellied eel. Yeah. Truly. Brian, you're the one that ate it. It was for Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that, our video series. Brian, what's your capsule review of eating jellied eel? I remember it being the grossest thing we ate for that show.

I'm sorry. I think that's true. With all due apology to, what was that called? Boi Boiang? Boi Boi was that called? Boi Boiang? Boi Boiang Cornic. Boi Boiang Cornic, which was pretty good. Yeah, Boi Boiang Cornic is really good. If you see that, if you happen to be in a Filipino market, you see some Boi Boiang Cornic.

We had adobo flavor. Is that right, Brian? Yeah, I think it was. Yeah, it's a good cornic. A really good Filipino snack called a crackling, an old-fashioned oil and vinegar crackling. And I thought it was going to be like pork cracklings, you know, like pork cracklings. And it was like a wheat cracker, but it had the shape and consistency of a pork crackling. It was real good. I'll keep an eye out for them.

Yeah, when you're in that Filipino market. Okay. Speaking of products. Yes. And commerce. Seamless. Thank you. I'm a professional host of 20 years, ma'am.

We've got a few messages up on the Jumbotron. First of all, our friends at Phila Photography. That's Phila as in Philadelphia, Jordan. Okay. Yeah, of course it's a famous home of Benjamin Franklin. Jerry Paolini wants to be the official photographer of Max Funsters in Philadelphia and beyond. Jerry Paolini, I'm sorry if I'm mispronouncing your name. I'm sorry if I'm mispronouncing your name.

Jerry runs Jeremiah Media, a full-service boutique providing quality portrait wedding, documentary, and event photography with an artist's eye. Use promo code MAXFUN and get 10% off any booking. And that's not all. Book any wedding package for your queer or nerd-themed wedding and get 15% off. That's 50% more off. Yeah. Visit phila.photography, P-H-I-L-A.photography, to see their work and book now. Use the promo code MAXFUN, P-H-I-L-A.photography,

promo code MAXFUN when booking. Where do you think they draw the line on nerd-themed wedding? I think... Like, I mean, obviously Babylon 5 wedding. That counts. Sure. Hey, if it's anything that filthy casuals would be into, it's a no-go. You're not getting the discount.

Oh, you like Superman? Yeah. It's Vandal Savage or nothing. Well, I mean, I know that we have a few listeners who are getting married and are going to have Firestorm the Nuclear Man theme. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I think that's kind of a beautiful metaphor for a relationship because Firestorm the Nuclear Man, as you know, Jesse, is really two people who join forces to create Firestorm.

Can I clarify something? Yeah. I don't know that and remember nothing about Firestorm the Nuclear Man other than the cover of the comic book that for some reason was in my mom's bathroom in the little magazine rack for a significant chunk of my childhood.

I think maybe a babysitter. Yeah, Fire is a beautiful metaphor for cooperation and racial harmony. That's really not – were they multi – were two people of different races? Yeah, I think typically Firestorm is a black person and a white person. Really? I mean, obviously, continuity changes over the years. Yeah. But there are certain – I think the classic iteration of Firestorm.

Wow. I remember he had fire hair. He did have fire hair. That's what I remember. That's a main thing I remember. Hey, also on the Jumbotron is the Can I Say Something podcast. Amateur humans Damien, Dion, and Carrie present to the world a truly new revolutionary and visionary podcast. It's three straight white people giving their hot, hot takes on topics such as TV shows,

movies, and video games each week. So they also do a top five, including top five, real life, bad-asses, top five candy bars and top five songs that make you horny. Follow the show at bicycle B I S I C K L E on Twitter and right into the show at bicycle at gmail.com.

You can look for, can I say something on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jordan. Yes. If anybody wants to get up on the Jumbotron, first of all, very affordable, just for our community, just one-time shot, whether it's something you want to plug or you just want to wish somebody happy birthday or something, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Second of all, speaking of new podcasts, I just did a bonus episode of Bullseye, my public radio program, where our friend Linda Holmes interviewed me. That will be available right before the MaxFunDrive, which is coming up in a few weeks. be available right before the Max Fun Drive, which is coming up in a few weeks. And in that interview at the end, Linda mentioned, in fact, emphatically plugged without me asking her to, the new Max Fun Show, Fanti.

Fanti is a really cool pop culture show that focuses on problematic faves. But as Linda said, in that conversation is so much more than that and so much more insightful than that. And I hope that Jordan and Jessica listeners will check out Fanta because we are super, super proud of it. It is a really fascinating, very funny show. We'll get – look, no offense to Jarrett, who's a wonderful, brilliant man. I think we'll get Travell in here sometime soon. Sorry, Jarrett. We're bringing in Travell.

Travell's the zanier of the two. Well, that's... Sure. We run. It's the fuel that toots this train down the track. Yeah. Toot toot. Toot train fuel.

Yeah. What's a problematic fave? Would that be a police academy? A problematic fave? Well, like, for example... Police academy might be a great example. Would that be a good problematic name? Fanti, the first episode was about Kevin Hart, who, you know, is obviously a very brilliantly talented comic mind who also has said a lot of really shitty things and then kind of done a very bad job apologizing for them over the years.

And that's sort of like the breadth of. Over the years. And that's sort of like the breadth of – in fact, I was just talking with Ben Harrison the other night, host of Greatest Generation, Max von Star Trek podcast about Gene Roddenberry who it turns out like Star Trek is this – this is reported to me by Ben. So take it up with him if this upsets anyone. Oh, I can't imagine people on the internet would have opinions about this. Will this be our most complained about episode ever? We hate pancakes. You know, Star Trek is many people's very beloved fave, including Ben's. vision for a world that is almost post-conflict, post-economic scarcity, like all these different unusual things about it, but is also like weirdly that the answer to everything is like a sort of colonialist imperialism.

And also apparently Gene Roddenberry was a real asshole, like maybe a bad person. So that's another great example. It doesn't mean you can't love Star Trek, and this is a show that's full of love and actual cultural insight, but that we should engage with the problematics of those things. I think of late, we've learned nothing. It's that you literally must enjoy the things that you enjoy despite the arseholery of some of their creators.

Because they shouldn't be able to take that away from you. Yeah. Yeah. Not mentioning any names. Every single person who's ever made art. We're looking at you, everyone who's ever created. You turned into a real dick. I still like your films.

Terry Gilliam. Sorry, what? So, yeah. Brian still like your films. Terry Gilliam. Sorry, what? So, yeah. So, Brian, there's a weird echo in here. Michael Winslow just came in here and shouted the name of a beloved Python member and ran out again. Terry Gilliam. Weird. Fan tie is what it's called.

Sorry. It sounds really good. I'll listen. Frank Miller. Bye. It is a really cool show. It is really great. We're very proud of it.

Sounds great. F-A-N-T-I. In conclusion, J.K. Rowling will be back in just a second. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I'm getting a little kickback from that Coke I drank. Wow. A little acid reflux. Jordan Jesse Go sponsored by Nuke. Nuke, the future drug from RoboCop 2. Oh, Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. When something momentous, well, something momentous is about to happen in this room right now. We mentioned Sarah Morgan is one of three Jordan Jesse Go guests who've ever heard the show before.

And you heard the episode. Steve Agee listens. Hi, Steve. Yeah. It's Sarah, Steve and Helen, right? That's it. So, Sarah, you heard the episode that we did with Helen Zaltzman. No, Andy Kindler. Andy Kindler.

You heard the episode that we did with Andy Kindler and J. Elvis Weinstein. And we talked a lot about different regional mints on this program. And I'm not talking about the mints that make our money, such as the San Francisco or Denver mints. You know, you see the... This isn't a numismatic conversation, Sarah. I'm talking about the fresh candies called mints.

Yeah, the peppermint candy. I really enjoyed your mint chat. Thank you. I was in a supermarket listening to it, and I was like, hmm, our mints are so different in the UK. Not mints with a C, not like mincemeat, but the peppermint-flavored candy. And I picked up some mints, and I bought them for you to enjoy some British mints. You say the word mint enough. It sounds so weird.

Yes, that's true. I imagine. Man, you're whacked out on nuke, dude. You whack it on nuke. I've done some of the King of Drugs special mints. Jordan, I have a question for you while Sarah brings these out for us. What do you think they're going to be like? The mints?

Yeah. I bet they'll have a weird fish aftertaste. That seems likely. They may be suspended in a jelly for no reason. So I have a few candies. Is there any aspic involved? Now do you personally A beef gelatin, which I only just

realized I don't eat meat and I was like this is all from Aldi, which is our best supermarket. Apparently they own Trader Joe's. This is mind-blowing to me. Recently in the United States some Aldi, which is our best supermarket. Apparently they own Trader Joe's. Yeah. This is mind-blowing to me. Recently in the United States, some Aldis have opened. It's a real cult favorite among value-conscious shoppers.

Oh, yeah. The thing is, it works in our country because it's very, very cheap European food. So it's like really great meat because it comes straight from Germany, really great cheese because it comes straight from France. I can't imagine how that works here. Well, we do get the finest of German chocolates. Yeah, the chocolate's really good at Aldi. I'm going to start talking about Europe and being sad,

so can we move on? Sure. Oh, your cat's there. Oh. No, and my country's snapped off from it. Soon won't be able to travel freely with him. But I mean mostly the cat, right? Yeah, the cat, but the lack of freedom of movement. Yeah, I bought you some teeth and lips. Oh, wow.

They're just gummy things. Oh, yeah. And some milk bottles, which probably taste of fish. Okay. But mint-wise. What are your personal favorite mints, and what mints did you grow up with? Well, I grew up with these, which are called Treebore Extra Strong Mints. Do you have these here? No grew up, well, I grew up with these which are called tree boar extra strong mints. Do you have these here?

No. Tree boar mints. The thing, the reason why these were great as a child is because the advert had a jingle that went

tree boar mints are a minty bit stronger and it didn't, what's the word? End? That note? Yeah, it didn't resolve.

It didn't resolve. Thank you. So as a child, you would go, tree-bore mints are a minty bit stronger. Stick them up your bum and they last a bit longer. It was delightful. And it resolved the thing.

They are strong. You know what I like about that? Sex positive. I don't know if you remember this, Jordan, but we had a similar thing with the Mentos song. Mentos better, Mentos freshness. Shove it up your ass, it's Mentos fresh and full of life. Mentos, up your ass.

Right up your ass. Okay, I'm going to have a milk bottle. It has a dust on it. Yeah. Why is it dusty? Wait, no. I have a more important question. What are you yelling at?

I'm yelling at the back of the package. Jordan sort of lolled his arm across his microphone stand so that I could see the back of the package. There is what appears to be a pigeon saying slurp. Yeah, there's a pigeon. What is that? What is that about England? That is Aldi own brand milk bottle sweet. So that is not a beloved, like that's not a beloved advertising character in our country.

That is not a pigeon. I've never come across that before. Yeah, so weird. I guess, yeah, I guess milk. He's slurping the milk. Can pigeons even slurp? I don't think so. I don't think a pigeon can slurp.

These are great. These are really fun to eat. Do you have milk-flavored sweets here? Sorry, gummies. Not at all. It's a milk-flavored gummy, and it is covered in a fine powder. Yeah, those are really funny.

And they taste really milky. This is legitimately excellent. I'm sorry they've got beef gelatin, and I did not – yeah, for beef gelatin. Why would you not want beef gelatin in your sweets? So this is Treybor, Extra Strong. And I will say that we have not even opened these, and their smell has pervaded our recording It's like we've hotboxed with some mints. Whoa, dude.

I'm Trey Boren, dude. I should have just had the half string. Extra Strong's fucking me up, dude. They're like great big fat lozenges. Huge horse pills. They are really large. They're really nicely up my ass.

They're like the size and shape of maybe two nickels piled on top of each other. Yeah, this is a nice sucking mint, I think. Yeah. It's got a similar dust on it. Yeah, it does suck nice. Sure. Slurp. Slurp goes the pigeon.

Slurp goes the ghost if you're Dan Aykroyd. Am I right? I'm going to tell your wife. Pigeon. Thought you were discreet. The other thing I bought was Fox's Glacier Mints. Oh, Fox's Glacier. Glacier Mints, which are a clear film wrapped candy.

But on the back, this really startled me when I saw it because I've never had the back of a Fox's Glassy Mint packet before. And it said, back in 1897, the Fox family started producing sweets. Eric Fox first established Fox's Glassy Mints in 1918. Their sweets plus delicious new varieties are still being produced under the watchful eye of Pepe, the UK's favorite bear. What the fuck? What the fuck? That's a real curveball at the end, or as you would say, a wicked Googling. It is a wicked Googling.

Seriously, I've never... The Fox's Glacier Mint is advertised by a polar bear standing on a glacier, mint. Sure. Makes sense. Of course, we would say a glacier. A glacier, sure. I've never fucking heard of Peppy, Fox's Glacier Mint. He's beloved.

He's beloved. Do you think it's a real bear? It's just a polar bear. But we have Paddington. Oh, the polar bear is the bear. We have Pooh. And this is Peppy. Yeah, Britain's full of beloved bears.

We have so many beloved bears. And I was just a bit blindsided by Fox pretending they have a beloved bear. What's a guy from Game of Thrones that only says his own name? Hodor. Hodor. That's probably Britain's most beloved bear, right? It might be Dutch or something. Yeah, it could be Dutch.

I think he's English. I think he's English. Hodor. So the tree boar is like a giant altoid. Yeah, sure. We've got altoids. It's an equivalent thing, but it's about a quarter of the size.

It's a lot of this to put in your mouth. And this one is Fox's Glacier Mint. It's classy when I see it. Now, this does look like a block of ice. I think of the three, this would fit the easiest up my ass. This feels like it has the structural integrity that if you greased it, it would go straight up there no problem. I think some of the other ones are a little too rough on the outside or aren't strong enough to really penetrate the ring. Not to be coarse, but I think it could get lost.

There's no flair. That's true. Without a bass, without a dress. Without a bass, without a dress. Thank you, Sarah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you write a letter to Pepe? Can you take a letter to Pepe for me?

Dear Pepe. I've lost one of your mints up my ass. I know you're busy being a very famous bear in our country. Paddington would get it out. Pooh would be right up there. Pooh would be right up there. There's a mint up my ass and I can barely feel it anymore. Boy, it is so...

Yeah, they clack on your teeth. There's too many mints to eat back to back. Oh, sorry. Yeah. That's okay. Actually, you started with the hardest one first, didn't you? The tree ball, yeah. Yeah.

That one was like a very minty plaster. A puck of plaster. The Glacier Mint is great. Yeah. It's a great mint. It has a relatively subtle flavor. Sucks easy. I'm slurping like a pigeon over here. Slurp, slurp, motherfucker.

Slurp, slurp. I'm a pigeon. I eat garbage. I'm sorry. I need to see the back of the lips and teeth now. I want to know what weird animal is on the back of that. Oh, it's a crocodile saying always brush your teeth. Sure. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. That's no –

Yeah, the crocodile is like, oh, man, all the good catchphrases are – Always brush your teeth. He originally said always bet on black and then Wesley Snipes sued him. The Glacier Mint is really nice. This is a really pleasant flavor. It's very subtly minty, has a very smooth consistency. It's a hard candy, but a very gentle one. Wow, you just really upset some Jordan Jessico listeners.

All made that day. I don't know. And you made some ASMR people horny. I was going to say, everyone's into something, and I think her teeth clack from a glass of human might be. From across America. I just heard boy-oy-oy. And it has

almost like a... The minty flavor is so subtle, it almost tastes like it has a hint of vanilla or something like that. Just a very smooth, gentle flavor. This is really a lovely candy. I like this. Yeah, it's really nice. I would love to have one of these after a big meal.

Boy, those milk candies were really tasty. I'll send you some more. I'll post you some milk candies. While we're inhaling and exhaling and enjoying the minty goodness, Brian, do you got a call there for us?

Hey, Jordan, Jackie, and I'm going to say Steve Agee or Kamel Nanjiani. My name's Alana, and I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I just wanted to tell you that I finally realized I was a real New Yorker. I was on my way to work. Brian, sounds was a real New Yorker. I was on my way to work. Can you pause this, Brian? Sounds like a real New Yorker. Yeah. Yeah, I'm walking here.

I'm walking down the billabong. I love the movies with Taika Waititi. Might be racist against him. Depending on which part of New Zealand I'm from I mean New York Yeah Go ahead and press play Brian Sorry We all just wanted to do our perfect accents

Yeah that was a really bad Kiwi I'm very sorry Kiwis We were pretty I thought we were pretty extraordinary I was being an Australian Do you think this is a New Zealander? Taika Waititi is definitely a Kiwi. I feel like this is a Kiwi that's calling, no?

Well, your ear would be better than ours. Maybe we'll see. I'm hearing the Yorkshire Dales. Is that where this is from? I'm hearing a little Ewan McGregor in there. I was on my way to work. It was like 5 o'clock in the morning on a weekend because I get up really early. I'm listening to my podcast in my own little world.

Two dudes get on the train, obviously drunk from the night before. They start fighting each other. And in doing so, they both take off their shoes to start railing on each other with them. And I was just so over it that I sat there and I listened to my podcast and I just pretended it wasn't happening because that's how you roll. All right, guys. Thanks so much.

Love you. Love you too. I have to say this. I think there is nothing that defines the great city of New York, the greatest city of the Empire State, more than two men having a shoe fight. I think we should, if we're ever just kind of starved for something to talk about on this show, shoe fight. You have bigger feet than me, so I'm at a disadvantage. Yeah.

What are you,, a 10 maybe? 9, 10? No, 8 and a half. 8 and a half. Okay. I'm a 12. I'm a 12, not huge for my height. I'm pretty tall.

But I thought Brian might be a 12 because he likes to wear a New Balance 574 shoe. I like a lot too. And we had both bought the new kind, the Sport Edition. He's wearing them right now. He looks great. I had some Sport Edition ones. Pinched my toe. Pinched my toe. I thought Brian might have the same size as me, so I texted him to ask what his size was in case he needed them.

Brian's only a 10 and a half. This clinches it. Shoe fight! Shoe fight it is! I was kind of expecting Pizza Rat to tell them at the end of the call. That would have been New York-y. I mean, we're over Pizza Rat. They're focused on

new animals carrying, dragging new foods around. Yeah, sure. Milkshake possum. That's Australian, isn't it? Shake Shack Wallaby. But, you know, we probably wouldn't be able to get it right. I mean, you can't do a shoe fight in L.A. No, the water's all wrong.

The water's wrong. I mean, you could have a shoe fight in L.A., but it's not a real shoe fight. Yeah. It's not real. What, are you going to drive to a shoe fight? Yeah. Got to take the L real. What, are you going to drive to a shoe fight? Yeah. Got to take the L train. The bars close at two.

How are you going to have a shoe fight? By the way, when I say the L train, I'm not referring to the elevated train in Chicago, the L. I'm referring to a subway that's the L line. Well, in Chicago, you got a deep dish shoe fight. But those are really casseroles. Let's talk about this more! Sorry. Sport peppers. Sport peppers, sure. In conclusion, sport

peppers. In conclusion, could this lady call back in and tell me where she's from? This is going to re-bug me. Where are you from? She went up in a way that really suggested New Zealand. I need closure.

Please call back. We're sorry if we insulted you. We did. Let's just say we're sorry that we insulted you. You seem like a good person. We're sorry that we should not have insulted you. It was wrong. We're just trying to goof around. We're just trying to toot the train

down the track. Just trying to toot our train down the track. Just munching beans and tooting down the track. Is that what you're calling the mints or beans? No, I'm talking about beans that make you toot. Oh, okay. Yeah, they're a musical fruit. I don't know if you knew this about beans.

I thought you were talking about maybe cunnilingus. That's munching beans. Sure. A bean? Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Sure. Yeah, munching bean. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I like that. Sure. Sold. Yeah, I don't like it. I, Munch and Bean. Uh-huh. Yeah, I like that. Sure. Sold. Yeah, I don't like it. But you like it. But somebody does. I don't like it. Jordan, you should at least pretend to like it if you ever want to get a son.

Gotta get a son. I don't like the euphemism. Okay. I love to munch box. Okay. Sorry. I love it. You mean Munch Bean?

No, I don't. Yeah, I think you do. Munch and Box. I think you like to munch bean. Munchbox. Okay. Sorry. I love it. Do you mean munchbean? No, I don't. Yeah, I think you do. It's munchinbox. I think you like to munchbean. It's munch... Yeah, I'm sure. Gotta get a son. You can finally get a son now.

How about slurping it like a pigeon? Yeah. Slurp, slurp. Yeah, I love it. Munch that bean. Ooh, is that bean from the trash? Because I'm a pigeon and I eat from it. Yeah, remember that thing from Ghostbusters?

That's another thing. That too. Go ahead and press play, Brian. Hi, Jordan and Jesse, Sonny D and guests. This is Ashley. I'm calling from Kentucky. Hi, Sunny D and guests. This is Ashley.

I'm calling from Kentucky. A year and a half ago, I had a catastrophic stroke when I was 31 in my cerebellum, which resulted in me having to have part of my cerebellum removed. And if you know anything about the brain, cerebellum controls balance. So the fact that I could walk was pretty much surprising to all the doctors. But my momentous occasion for today was that I managed to run. Then they never thought that I would be able to

because I don't have the balance for it. But I did manage to run across the yard with my nephew. So that was super awesome. Thanks, guys. Bye. That was like a... That's great. Yeah.

Running with a child. I'm assuming this could be an adult nephew. There's adult nephews out there. How long have we been doing Jordan Yes Ego? 13, 14 years. 13 years, yeah. I'm always amazed when someone comes through with like a real life momentous occasion. I mean, I'm grateful for every shoeless fight call.

I'm grateful for all of our callers and including ones. I'm even grateful for the people who just call in and say, I had a threesome. We've played that call before. We don't need any more of them, but I'm grateful that they care. I'm grateful to all of our callers. But I am always astonished when a legitimate, momentous occasion of a

heartwarming nature occurs on this show, 75,000 episodes in that we've never done before. Learning to run again? Life's amazing. Way to go. The human tapestry is full of...

Keep going. Keep going. Morrissey, okay. Laurie Anderson, part recording artist, part artist. You know what I mean, Sarah? Part artist. Fine artist.

Yeah. Did I just start doing a Ewan McGregor voice there? Fine artist. Yeah. Fine artist. Yeah. That is kind of what he's doing. What's his deal in that?

He's a baddie? Yeah, he's kind of a deep cut Batman villain called Black Mask, who's just kind of a gangster type who wears a skeleton mask sometimes. Yeah, and he's kind of doing like one of the, and he's kind of playing him like he's just a cool party guy, just a party guy who loves to, yeah, everybody doing okay over here at this party that I'm having? I'm a party guy? Yeah. I'm not Scottish at all.

Not Scottish, not even a little bit. Even though it would be fine if I was. Yeah. It doesn't... It'd be fine. There's no rule that says Scottish people can't be gangsters. Maybe I came to America and got mixed up in something. You never know.

But that's not the circumstances of my birth, no sir. No, I am from... I was born to be the life of the party. Here in Gotham City. Gotham. Right here. Right here. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 10,huh. Uh-huh. 10, 20, and 30 minutes past the hour. Right. Yeah, he's always talking about traffic on the ones. Yeah. It's a very weird quirk.

I don't know if that's canon or not or if that's something he kind of added in there. If something momentous happens to you, 206-9844-FUN is the telephone number. Or you can just record a voice memo, email it to us, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Either way is easy, fun, and most importantly, profitable for us. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Are we selling the calls? I haven't seen any of this call money. Where do you sell them to?

I just sell them to local businesses. To local businesses? Yeah, sure. Huh. Yeah, like a contractor. Why do they buy them? Well, I can sell water to a well, my friend. That's okay. I'm a honey-voiced pitchman. Seems like I should maybe get a little taste of this,

but... No, I think that's daddy's money. Alright. That's daddy's dough. You're not gonna let me slurp my beak? Look, if you want to slurp my bean, that's a whole other story. I'll punch your box as far as I'll go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I listen to reading glasses because Bria and Mallory have great tips. My suggestion for book festivals is just go for one day.

I listen for the author interviews. I was a huge Goosebumps fan. Oh, yes. R.L. Stine was totally my jam. I don't even read. I just like their chemistry together. Literally, if on the back it said, like, this book made me shit my pants,

I'd be like, that's, I'm buying this book. Like, I think the problem with blurbs a lot of times. I like that we both want to crap ourselves over books. I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara. We're Reading Glasses, and we solve all your bookish problems every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters. On my ship, the SS Biopic. Avast! It's actually pronounced Biopic. No, you dingus! It's Biopic. Avast! It's actually pronounced biopic. No, you dingus! It's biopic! Who the hell says that? It's biopic.

It's the words for biography and picture. Alright, that is enough. Ahoy! I'm Dave Holmes. I am the host of the rebooted podcast formerly known as International Waters, designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this. How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course.

Winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this? It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree. Jordan, Jesse Goh. Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Sarah Morgan, International Eel Smuggler. What are those things called?

Fruity babies? Jelly babies. Jelly babies. Now that's a candy. England had a home run when they invented the jelly baby. Love to munch those. We're back. England's like over-the-counter candy game is really strong.

Yeah. I remember when I traveled. Not like those candies you need a doctor's note to get. I was going to say, what's the under-the-counter candy game? The back alley candies. Illicit candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember traveling to Ireland to visit family as a kid when I was like 10 in the early 90s. And I remember I played a lot of rounders, the UK's equivalent of baseball.

This is Northern Ireland, right? This was actually in Dublin that I was playing. Okay, so Ireland is a different country to the... Yes. But I think Rounders is a British game, right? Isn't it? But I played a lot. It's like softball, but...

Yeah, a little bit, yeah. And the other thing I remember is that at the end of the game, all the children, they were very impressed by my best baseball techniques, which they found fascinating and impressive. At the end of the game, everyone would disperse to a candy store and buy an amount of candy so alarming to me, like five chocolate bars and then just eat them all. We were like all 10 year olds. I was like, this is Ireland. I'm in, this is the greatest country in the history of the world. It was amazing. Anyway,

jelly babies. It's a good candy. This is a good candy. Jordan. Yeah. Uh, our friend Sarah Morgan is the host of a podcast called the fear. Uh,

I bet. Has Ellen Zaltzman ever been on the fear? Ellen Zaltzman has been on the fear. Ellen Zaltzman has been on The Fear. She was on the live show recently on the last series. There you go. She brought in her... People have to bring in three fears for us to discuss. A fear from their childhood,

their favorite scary moment from film or TV, and a fear or phobia that they live with now. And Ellen brought in her fear as a child was the Coca-Cola advert with the Holidays Are Coming trucks. Oh, I don't think we have that. She was terrified of it. Do we have that? Holidays are coming.

Holidays are coming. That's not an American advert. It rings a bell. You've blown my mind. I assumed that was an American advert. I don't remember it. It may well be. Okay.

We have some polar bears that have been around for a long time. Very similar to the polar bears. Same vibe. Probably America's most beloved be. Okay. We have some polar bears that have been around for a long time. Very similar to the polar bears. Same vibe. Probably America's most beloved bears. Yeah. Kevin Smith, of course. Yeah, and Kevin Smith. Yeah, no, she was great.

Jordan Morris has done the show before. Yeah, it was a blast. It was a lot of fun. He was terrific. What's your phobia that you live with today, Jordan? What was it? It was something about, oh, it was like online stuff, wasn't it? It was some online stuff.

Yeah. Like FOMO kind of thing. Yeah, I'm afraid of Reddit and E-bombs world. Your film was, your scary film moment was Demolition Man? Oh, yeah. Eyeballs. Where Wesley Snipes takes out the guy's eye in Demolition Man. Oh, yeah. Eyeballs. Where Wesley Snipes takes out the guy's eye in Demolition Man. My daughter at her school participated in,

maybe they were making a documentary at the school or something, something where she got a major reward. And she's obsessed with the movie Gremlins. Yes. And she and I watched Gremlins 2 together. And she talked her teacher as the major reward without checking with us. This teacher ordered for her this large collector's figurine of the spider gremlin from Gremlins. Yeah, sure.

And it's maybe like- It's Gremlins 2, I believe. Yeah, from Gremlins sure and it's maybe like gremlins 2 i believe yeah from gremlins 2 the new batch and it's it's maybe a foot tall i would say it is really sizable and has like a display stand it's it's something that you would buy for uh 85 at a comic book store yeah so the teacher got this for your child the teacher got this for without checking with us wow and i am i mean i can't say that i'm happy with it uh i don't love it uh but my poor wife uh is so deeply distressed by it and my daughter is so excited and proud of it that it has like riven our household in twain because my daughter desperately wants to like go get it from her room and show it to anybody who visits at the house or whatever. My wife cannot look at it.

She finds it so upsetting, like so disgusting and creepy because it's a spider, I guess. be because she's because it's a spider i guess um uh and just a just a totally physical revulsion to this thing that she does a good job of managing but i i'm married to her and can see her insides falling apart every anytime she even glances at it i feel like me and gracie need to have a big conversation about uh gremlins too because i'm i i i i'm close to purchasing from the props store not a giant spider although now i want one the um the breast pads from the female gremlin love the female gremlin and uh yeah that female gremlin has really become an icon yeah she's really she's really taken off in a way that yeah's pleasing. They finally put a girl one in after that Key and Peele sketch. But yeah, I genuinely want to buy things like $80, but they're just breast pads.

And I just want to frame them or bronze them or something. Wait, I guess maybe I decide when you say breast pads. She's wearing a bikini top. And I assume they go inside the bikini. I'm not just talking about breasts. Yeah. Yeah. I assume they're part of the costume.

You go on this prop store website and there's stuff that's thousands and thousands of pounds. And obviously you could never afford to buy a gizmo or anything like that. But the thing I could afford was some $80 breast pads. You've got to do it. You've got to do it. I've got to do it to own a thing from that film. I'll tell you this, Sarah. And I'm mentioning it because I've heard a lot about it in the last week. So we had a holiday weekend recently here in the United States and I went up to my cabin with my family and our friend and colleague Elliot Kalin and his family tagged along at our invitation.

They didn't just invite themselves. That would be weird. tagged along at our invitation. They didn't just invite themselves. That would be weird. And Elliot and Gracie have a very sweet relationship because Elliot is more of a weird, awkward film nerd than Gracie is. So they just interface perfectly.

It's very, very sweet and beautiful. And so Gracie and Elliot were talking about Gremlins 2. Mm-hmm. The new batch. The new batch. And, which is a very fun movie. And Elliot mentioned

he has a friend who bought the Spider Gremlin in a prop auction without knowing how big it was. Oh, it's huge, yeah. And then found out when the shipping bill came

and it was $3,000, that it was like bigger than a car. Wow. And now this friend of Elliot's, it takes up his entire garage. I would love that. Yeah. I see when Riley Silverman,

a friend of the show, did The Fear. And we had a big chat about Gremlin State. And I was reminded that it is a Donald Trump analogy, which I had – because I'd only seen the film as a kid. I didn't really know who Donald Trump was. It is, yeah. Oh, sure. They have a tower. There's a tower owned by an evil business guy.

Daniel – what's his name? Stern? Is it? The guy who plays Daniel Clamp in it? I can't remember. I don't know. Hulk Hogan's in it

for a little bit. He is. He makes a cameo. When is Hulk Hogan? I don't remember seeing Hulk Hogan. There's like a fourth wall breaking thing

where the movie stops and then Hulk Hogan, they cut to like a movie theater that I guess you're in and Hulk Hogan like rips his shirt. The gremlins have interrupted the film and Hulk Hogan tells him to start the movie again.

I think it depends. Gracie has told me about this. I love Gracie so much. Which version you see, what scene you get in that meta moment. Some have, like we watched it on video. I think it had a VHS-themed one. Then there's also a movie theater-themed one that they showed in movie theaters and maybe is also on the DVD. I'm not sure. I don't remember exactly, and I'm sure that Elliot's friend

with the Spider Gremlin can let us know, so we'll put that on him. You don't have to let us know, other listeners. Sarah Morgan, you also have worked on a new television show on Sky One in the UK for our British listeners. Yes, it's called Intelligence. It's Nick Muhammad and David Schwimmer and yeah, it's great and it's just started on Sky One in the UK

and you can watch it all on Now TV if you want to binge it all, but it's very funny. David Schwimmer, of course, is from MASH? Yeah, that's right. Ross from MASH. Ross from MASH. it all but it's very funny david schumer of course is from mash yeah that's right yeah yeah yeah ross from mash oh man remember when everybody was getting the ross from mash haircut and millennials think ross from mash is a new we'll never own a home. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program.

You can find us online at MaximumFun.org. You can find us at MaximumFun.reddit.com if you want to Reddit about the program. There is a Maximum Fun Facebook group if you want to Facebook about the program. You can also like us on Facebook where we will share an announcement. Look, Sarah Morgan's got a new thing that Americans can watch on TV. We'll Facebook that. I remember Americans can watch it on Peacock. Oh, yeah. They can watch Intelligence on Peacock in June.

There you go. Not bad. And I said that and I knew what that was. Yeah. And you might leak some information about a bubble related thing that could be happening yeah who knows who knows

I mean we don't know we can't say who knows whether or not you can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne

at Jordan underscore Morris where he's at Sarah L. Morgan at Sarah L. Morgan yes remembered it yes

that's from memory folks and our theme music is Love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records hey i also want to mention one thing our buddies matt belknap and jimmy pardo having their 1000th episode this wow never not funny congratulations uh to Matt and Jimmy and the whole Never Not Funny gang. Some of our oldest podcasting pals

and favorite podcasting pals. What a great and auspicious occasion for them. Good dudes, brilliant geniuses of podcasting, old friends, congratulations. Okay, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse. Bye. old friends congratulations okay we'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse bye maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported