Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 629: The Devil's Wife with Elliott Kalan

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

Elliott Kalan (The Flop House podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a remote record from everyone's home for a discussion of how the greatest dishonor in America is for Al Pacino to play you in a movie, the bonhomie Jesse felt with the other men in the class he had to take before he got his vasectomy, and the specific hierarchy of compilation movie soundtracks. Plus, Jesse almost went full Mr. Clean with his most recent self-haircut.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan? Yes? You know, you know that the last thing I want to do on this show is toot my own horn. I leave my horn for others to toot. Yes, far be it for, yes. You've never self-tooted as far as I know.

Well, it depends if I've had a big juicy plate of beans. Ah, you went fart instead of jack off. Interesting, interesting. Boy, you're really growing up, Jesse. Either way, Jordan, either way. Right before our very eyes, just like Frankie Munez grew up before our eyes on Malcolm in the Middle. So here's the deal. We're recording this week from our respective homes, and I don't have a great recording setup here in my home in Mount Washington, Los Angeles. But it's okay.

You know, I got a good microphone. But there was one weakness I realized when I came down to my office to record. And that was, as we record this, there is a rainstorm here in Los Angeles. Right. There is... Plus you're being distracted by your 2020 Girls of Hooters calendar. Yeah. How am I supposed to do the podcast with those yabbos staring back at me?

All I want is wings. Oh, you have a calendar of the food? Yeah. Isn't that... Oh. Yeah. I mean, you mentioned you like the chicken over there at the... What's it called again? Hooters, right?

Hooters, yes. Damn it, keep the name of the restaurant straight so we can do the bit. So anyway, this is why I'm the real hero. I went... Just pause. I think that's just a really funny idea, a person who has a Hooters calendar of just the food. Hooters should do that. April is mozzarella sticks month.

Ooh la la. Get a load of the pulled pork. I haven't ever eaten at Hooters. I hope she comes with a choice of side. I haven't ever eaten at Hooters, but I think it's because I don't take enough business trips. If I was taking more business, like that is really when you're going to go eat at Hooters, is when someone you're uncomfortable with, a dude you work with but are uncomfortable with, suggests it. And you don't want to say no because you're afraid of them. Right, because you fear him.

Right. The man that suggests Hooters for lunch is unpredictable. And so, yeah, I feel like I would go. I did fly on the airline a few times, but that was more of a hobby thing. I just like to fly on every airline. Sure, yeah, you have that airline bingo card. So my office is on the basement floor of my home and immediately outside the window

in my garden is a downspout that comes off of the roof and straight down onto the patio tiles. And it is like, it sounds like, you know how when you watch, you know, that movie where Orson Welles is making War of the Worlds or whatever, and they're shaking those giant sheets of metal to create thunder sounds? Sure, yeah. That's basically what was going on immediately outside the single pane 1920s window here in my office. It was the loudest noise you can possibly imagine. I got here. We had about two minutes before we were going to record. I panicked. I grabbed a dog blanket, you know, like a polyester fleece blanket. I think I bought it, you know, for a quarter at a garage sale or something that was inside my dog's crate, ran outside in a t-shirt

and my slippers, not even rubber-soled slippers, into this rainstorm around the back of my house and threw it into the area where the water was falling on the patio tiles. It significantly dampened the noise. That's great. What a madcap adventure. Jordan, you don't even know. You got slightly damp. You ruined a blanket.

Jordan, what have you done for America today? Oh, jack shit, my friend. I've been looking out for U.S. this guy. You've been thinking about getting that new Animal Crossing. Oh, man, no fucking way. Sorry to alienate 90% of our listeners, and I'm glad everyone is having fun with Animal Crossing, but Jesus Christ, I do not want to play that.

Man, I'm glad... I'm glad everyone is getting pans from a squirrel and giving pies to the mayor of a fish city. I'm glad. I'm happy for everyone. Oh, man. Jordan, I haven't played Animal Crossing in a long time, but my senior year of college, when I shared a house in the Santa Cruz beach flats with our mutual friend Nathaniel, I shared a house in the Santa Cruz beach flats with our mutual friend, Nathaniel.

And Nathaniel now works in the video game industry. He's a powerful video game nerd of the highest order. He just brought that home one day because his girlfriend was really into it. And I was like, I don't think I'm going to like this game where you just gather different fruits. Jordan, you have no fucking clue how many fruits I gathered on Nathaniel's game cube. Oh, I believe it, yeah. I know what kind of video game you like. Sounds like that is right up your alley. Oh my God.

All I did was write letters to friends. Oh. Sure. So much epistolary content in that game. So many letters to friends. Like a 19th century novel. I feel like, you know, culture has left me behind because I'm a man who enjoys rock music and video games with combat. These are both wrong opinions, apparently. I have just been... Is there anywhere in this society for a man who likes rock music and video games with combat?

Right now, my daughter is doing distance learning from her school, which means that she sits at a computer here in my office, and I have to try and convince her to pay attention to her teacher some miles away as her teacher talks about something. And because I have to stay in here to keep her on target, I realized I can't just work all day. You know what I mean? So I started a new team in Baseball Mogul.

That's my video game where you have your own baseball team and you trade the guys, but you don't actually play baseball games. Is this like something you play in like a browser window? No, it's a standalone app. It has not changed at all since I started playing it probably my sophomore year of college. So it has the graphics of like basically ski-free for Windows 3.1. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. It is basically a windows 3.1 gotcha gotcha gotcha that is it is basically a windows

3.1 game that's so it's a game you can play while also minding a child yeah exactly and it is a game where nothing is timely uh you can just play six months of games or no months of games and i've really been bonding with ben partridge from beef and Dairy Network because he does the same thing all day when he's supposed to be writing jokes for radio shows, which is his main job. But he does it with a thing called soccer manager, football manager, they call it there. Football manager.

He gets really emotionally invested in imaginary sportsmen. It sounds like both these games sound like they could use a little combat. Some twitchy, fast combat, right? Wouldn't that make it more fun if you were doing something? Combat, some rock music.

Yeah. I played a lot of I beat the video game Lara Croft, Tomb Raider number three of the current Lara Croft Tomb Raiders. I don't remember what it's called. Rise of the Tomb Raider or Shadow of the Tomb Raider or something like that. I played a lot of this. And I'll tell you what.

For a archaeologist, which is what her job is, she really loves two different things. One is murdering, and one is jumping. Sure, yeah. These are the two things they teach you in archaeology school. Before they teach you how to dust particles off of a gem with a tiny brush. First, you have to learn how to kill with a headshot and to jump onto a sheer ledge and grab onto it with one hand. You rub mud onto your face so you blend into muddy walls. That's a key skill in the game. I think that's one of those things. You don't get that till you're working on your doctoral dissertation.

Should we introduce our guest, Jordan? I would love to. Our guest on the program, coming to us all the way from his home in Eagle Rock, California, is one of the hosts of The Flophouse, a celebrated television comedy writer, and a good friend of ours, Mr. Elliot Kalin. Hi, Elliot. Oh, hi, Jesse. Hi, Elliot. Oh, hi, Jesse. Hi, Jordan.

Thanks for inviting me into your show 10 and a half minutes in. That's how our show works, Elliot. I had to do that golden Lara Croft material. I mean, I've been on your show before. I've listened to it many times. I never cease to find it amusing that I can just imagine the guest sitting there while you guys do the beginning of the show. And it's not like on a regular – on a television talk show. There's like a green room where – that's very nice where the guest is sitting and like enjoying themselves.

Maybe they're watching the beginning of the show. Maybe they aren't. Elliot, did you get the edible arrangement we sent over? I got an arrangement. I don't know if I'd call it edible. You can eat pennies. Technically, yes. Yeah.

But they're just going to come right out. You're not going to digest them. Eat the pennies, Elliot. I sent over the pennies. Eat them. All right. Okay. I'm having one now.

It's delicious. Thank you. Even if you're lying, that made me feel better. Elliot, I don't know why you're complaining about our green room. It's literally your house. Yeah, I've been here all day for the past week and a half. That's why I'm complaining about it. Guys, this is kind of a fun, this opens up a fun new well of humor for us doing home records because you get that classic home podcast or you there's the the opportunity to have that classic home podcast uh child or pet drop in whose child or pet will be

the first to interrupt the show this is a real thrill ride listeners place your bets now which child or pet will interrupt first have you guys have seen that movie, House of the Devil, right? Of course. Thousands of times. I have not seen House of the Devil. Oh, wait. You know what? I have seen House of the Devil. It's a great movie.

It's very scary, and most of it is just watching a woman wander through a house. And with just exploring the rooms, and I feel like this is kind of like the podcast version of that. Because at any moment, the tension is so high because you're waiting for something to happen, and you know it's going to. But in this case, it's waiting for something else to happen. Now, both my children are going to bed now, so it seems unlikely that they'll come in. But you never know. These things can happen. Stay tuned, folks.

My daughter has been pressing me really hard to get her SimCity, our mutual friend. SimCity, the movie or the comic? The Frank Miller comic or the Robert Rodriguez film? Sin City. Because neither are appropriate. Yeah. High school is a good age to discover Frank Miller, I think. Oh, yeah.

I think that's the best age. Because by the time you're into college, you're like, this guy is not the greatest thinker. Yeah. You get into him in high school, and then in college you realize that he has reprehensible beliefs. And they are totally made up for by his mastery of the page, his mastery of panel pacing. Sure, absolutely. In a greater or lesser degree.

But so SimCity, is this the city simulation game that you're talking about? The city simulation game. We went today for a social distancing walk with our friend Benjamin Harrison from Greatest Generation. Former president, Benjamin Harrison, yes. Yeah, and Ben is the only person— He's the one who died after 30 days, right? No, that was his grandfather, William Henry Harrison. Oh, yeah.

Billiam Henry Harrison? As they called him at the time, Billiam Hank Harrison. Right. And then after he died, they said, show him some respect, call him by his full Christian name, William Henry Harrison. I already made this this gravestone. It says Billy Hanks on

it. Now, I believe Ben Harrison is a descendant of the Harrison presidents. Is that true, or did I make that up? It seems like he probably is, right? Yeah, yeah, I think so. He has a sort of presidential bearing. But anyway, you were saying. Looks good with mutton chops.

No, that's, no. You're getting your presidents all mixed up. Anyway. Was he not a mutton chop president? We're going to get so many Twitter corrections from Elliot after this show. You're thinking of Chester A. Arthur. William Henry Harrison was clean shaven. Benjamin Harrison had a beard. Really? Boy, you know, I just, I think I, you know, as a man who is, you know, not super interested in presidents, I regard every president. I see, whenever someone

mentions a president before Jimmy Carter, I imagine mutton chops connected to a mustache. Yeah. Why do you think people liked Ike so much? Right, exactly. Yeah, his big bushy mustache and sideburns, yeah. I imagine people are like, oh, remember back in the Obama days? And you're like, oh, mutton chops. Yep, how could I forget? Every time somebody talks about Franklin Roosevelt, you know, like in the Great Depression or World War II or whatever,

I think I have a perfect picture of what he looked like in my mind. And then I realized that's just Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig in Pride of the Yankees. I mean, if you're going to imagine anybody, why not? He's a good looking guy. So anyway, Ben Harrison, we were doing this walk, you know, where everybody's six feet away from each other, walking through Elysian Park in Los Angeles, trying to keep our health up, tire our children

out. And I would say, with the possible exception of one Elliot Kalin, there's no man in the world who Grace respects more than Ben Harrison. Certainly not me uh the reason is that uh ben harrison is a filmmaker and great gracie aspires to be a filmmaker and

so she'll just pump him for information about his she also loves uh cocktail minutiae yeah so those two things she really is really obsessed with the idea of alcohol, I think, because Teresa drinks sometimes and I don't drink. And she's really trying to figure out whether alcohol is bad or not on that basis. Oh, also because she reads Tintins and, you know, the Captain Haddock is always drunk. Sure. Yeah. Classic. She's really trying to, trying to figure that out. So anyway, Ben Harrison, the, who, who basically is like, you know, this is like, uh, you remember like, this is like Tom Hanks or like,

I don't know who is the most universally respected American, but. Yeah. Probably Tom Hanks. I've said many times that, uh, the greatest honor that America can bestow on someone is for Tom Hanks to play them in a movie. Yeah, probably Tom Hanks. I've said many times that the greatest honor that America can bestow on someone is for Tom Hanks to play them in a movie. And just as the greatest dishonor for some time was for Al Pacino to play you in a made-for-HBO movie. It was just a sign that you were someone that people did not like at all. But if Tom Hanks played you, it was like, oh,

this man is on the level of a saint. Sure. So now Ben Harrison – That was – the devil felt really bad when he learned that Al Pacino was coming soon. He was like, oh, no. Oh, boy. Be honest, honey. Do I have an image problem? Maybe they see me as like a Serpico type. Oh, what am I saying?

I thought at least John Voight would play me. It's kind of a gray area. Why did I let my hairdresser talk me into this bouffant? Because that's the only reason Al Pacino gets interested in these characters is their crazy hair. Right. So anyway, and he's talking with us. He's talking with his hands throughout that whole movie. Do I do that?

Do I talk with my hands? I mean, the last thing I do is raise the volume of my voice suddenly. Randomly. And then say the last part of the sentence fast. Honey, he's doing a perfect impression of you. That's exactly what you're like. And I love you anyway, but you have to realize that's you. That's the devil's wife. The devil's wife is very understanding. Yeah. The thing that I've learned the most from this conversation is not that Jordan has an

impressively credible Al Pacino impression. Honestly, better than I thought it was going to be too. It's that apparently the devil has a Mrs. Claus type figure. Yeah. She's really nice. Yeah, Lady Scratch. She's, you know. Now, I feel like, Jordan, if you can figure out a way to write a novel called The Devil's Wife that is both a little scary but mostly heartwarming and a little funny, I think you would be a billionaire right now.

Guys, you can take it from here. I've got a book to write. Daddy's got a billion to air. Chapter one, they call me the devil's wife. Maybe that's because I am. How did I get in this situation? I wondered why they called me that, but then I realized it was because

I had married the devil. Chapter two. So you were walking with Benjamin Harrison. And Benjamin Harrison brought up the video game SimCity. Now, I love SimCity, and we started talking about SimCity. Now my daughter is obsessed with SimCity, and

I'm trying to figure out... I am now responsible for delivering SimCity to my child, whose brain has locked into it, you know, like the jaws of a fighting dog, onto the jaws of a fighting dog onto the leg of a robber who forgot to bring a juicy steak. She does not let things go.

As you know, Jesse, recently my family and yours spent some time together, and your daughter said, I'm going to make a Spider-Ham comic, but I don't know how to draw Spider-Ham. Can you draw him for me? And I said, sure. And I didn't realize this meant I would be drawing every single panel of a Spider-Ham comic. And I still owe her 20 to 30 Spider-Hams. And I know when I see her next, she's going to bring it up.

You know what? I got to hand it to you, Elliot. You draw a pretty good Spider-Ham. Thank you. Thank you. Well, it's one of the few things I can draw because I love Spider-Man and I love talking animals. That is a pretty deep cut Marvel character for your daughter to know about. Where did she learn about Spider-Ham?

Oh, she saw Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse. Oh, that's right. He used to be a deep, much like Rocket Raccoon, he used to be a deep cut. Yeah. Now he's on the A-list. Yeah. And the fact that i wrote a spider ham story that went unpublished years ago means nothing now but if it had been

published i could be like yeah i was involved with that character back when before he was famous and people would invite me to fancy parties yeah there are there are some there are some characters that she's learned about through film and television she hasn't really read any superhero comics yet uh there's some character and then there are some that i just think it's important for her to learn about so you know especially now that she's she's going to school from home we try and do about half an hour of firestorm the nuclear man stuff each morning right and then wow before bed i tell her tales of Mr. Mitzopitalik. Really fundamental characters. Yeah.

Nothing but the best. And of course, when old Unca Jordan's over, it's Booster Gold time, baby. Yes, I bounce her on my knee and tell her tales of Vandal Savage, the caveman who lived forever. Now both Marvel and DC have... I don't know if you knew, Jesse, I'm not doing Booster Gold stuff anymore. I'm doing Vandal Savage, the caveman who lived forever. Now, both Marvel and DC have...

I don't know if you knew, Jesse. I'm not doing Booster Gold stuff anymore. I'm doing Vandal Savage stuff. Wait, I knew you were doing... Hold on, Elliot. I knew you were doing... I'm not afraid to tell you to can it, Elliot. I'm no Dan McCoy.

Jordan, I knew you were doing Vandal Savage material instead of Booster Gold material. All right, well, don't set me up for the other stuff then. But I don't think I realized that Vandal Savage was a caveman who lives forever. That's his whole thing. He's a caveman who lives forever. Holy cow. Why didn't they call him, you know, Unkillable Caveman or whatever?

Doesn't really roll off the tongue. What does he vandalize? Savage things. Yeah, sure. Yeah, like he'll tag a lion. Oh, wow. Yeah, he just sprays his tag all over like big animals, dangerous animals. He tried to tag a shark, but the water just, you know, washes it off.

Elliot, how much of, how much of, how much of like much of our pop culture, the pop culture of guys our age, do your kids know about? Because they're my kids, they know much more about the pop culture of men 70 years older than us. Sure. Yeah, I guess up until Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse, Peter Porker's Spider-Ham would have been like a reference for a 70s hipster. Yeah. Well, like an 80s hipster. But like he knows a fair amount about like the Marx Brothers and he knows somewhat about Star Wars. Actually, he knows a fair amount about Star Wars. We talk about Star Wars a lot, especially since my 19-month-old has become obsessed with the Imperial March or as he calls it, Vader Song. And it started with me. Yeah, which was, he calls it Vader song. And it started. Yeah.

That song. Here comes Darth Vader. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes. Who's that guy? It's Darth Vader. I believe the title on the disco 12 inch was love theme from Darth Vader.

And he's, but he, so he, so we hear that a lot. So he knows, he knows some of that stuff he knows and he knows uh marvel stuff he doesn't know too much dc because i'm a marvel zombie my house is a marvel house and that's what i want to say is that i forgot about vandal savage and that dc and marvel both have villains who are cavemen who lived forever and became super smart oh yeah that was sure that's uh with marvel's being the master of the world. That's a Hawkeye, Green Arrow, Deadpool, Deathstroke sort of thing.

Swamp Thing, Man Thing. Oh, yeah, Swamp Thing, Man Thing. Spider-Man, Man Spider. The baseball player Bobby Jones and his teammate Bobby J. Jones. It's going to be a lawsuit there. Who will be the first one to make a bobby jones movie so so which so are you gonna get sim city or what so wait here's the thing so i don't think there's a sim city that's good on regular computer computers now and by the way if you're listening

to this and you know exactly what the right SimCity is, it's too late. Even if this comes out tomorrow morning, it's too late. We're dead. I will have to have had to address this by the end of the night tonight, figure out which SimCity I'm going to get my daughter, or else I will be... So if you were Will Wright himself,

the designer of the original SimCity game, do not bother. Do not get in touch with Jesse. No. Sorry, Will Wright., the designer of the original SimCity game, do not bother. Do not get in touch with Jesse. No. Sorry, Will Wright. Not interested. Go work on your reboot of SimLife. But if you're Doug Wright, the creator of SimAnt, why have you not responded to my letters?

Was that like a Galagher, Galagher 2 situation you're positing here, Jordan? Oh, I don't know. I will say that I will say that was my, that was my Sim of choice was Sim Ant growing up. I never played Sim Ant. It was fun. Yeah. You, you know, you had to, had to protect the queen. Uh, you could get brown food pellets and give them to her. Um, yeah. Fun for everybody. Fun for the whole family. I mean, sounds amazing. Sim Ant was a really good game to play on a Mac Classic or a Mac SE in the computer lab. Yeah, I guess, I mean, obviously, like, you know, the pop culture of our, you know, of our youth

is, like, constantly being rebooted, but I don't think I know what the most recent Sim City is. I'm sure it strikes me as a game that probably has a new edition that comes out every four years. But yeah, I don't know what the hottest Sim is. I tried to figure it out once because I wanted to play SimCity on airplanes. It's like my dream airplane game is to sit there and play SimCity for hours on end. And there was like a giant reboot of sim city maybe like seven or eight years ago but it was one of those games that like requires you to always be connected to the internet and stuff uh sure sure and so uh people hated it they were really mad about it

they're like there's no reason that you should need to be connected to the internet to play this game and also it doesn't work on airplanes for that reason. So I think I ended up doing some kind of complicated thing where I like, downloaded an ancient version of, you know, SimCity three or SimCity 2000 or something, and like figured out how to make it work on my computer. But I think that's too complicated for my kids computer. So it's really back to the drawing board. I don't know what I'm going to do. Guys, I give up. I'm just going to go sit in the shower. Yeah, and I'm going to go write that Devil's Night wife novel.

Podcast is canceled. All right. I guess this is my show from this point on. I don't know. Hey, welcome to Elliot Elliot Go, the show where Elliot talks to Elliot about whatever's on Elliot's mind. So, Elliot, what are you thinking about these days? Well, I kind of have the same thing on my mind that every winner in America has, which is like, what will be the ongoing legacy of Basil Wolverton? Because, like, his work is so unique.

I finished the novel. Okay. How did it go? How many pages is it? 400. Oh, okay. I'm back. How did it go? How many pages is it? 400. Oh, okay. That's great. Yeah, 400 on the nose. So, hey, welcome to Elliot Jordan Go, where Elliot and Jordan talk about what's on their minds.

So, Jordan, what's your plan for this novel right now? Are you going to tweet it out? Are you going to self-publish or send it to the gatekeepers and see if they deem it readable? I'm so sick of those snobby gatekeepers. Jesse, you're in the shower. No, I'm back from the shower, and I'm thinking about those snobby gatekeepers as depicted in the film Little Women. Right. Yes.

Yeah, I'm going to take it To an old man with mutton chops That's right One of the US presidents Sort of Tracy Letts type And he's gonna tell me That it has to have A wedding at the end Or no one will buy it

But I guess so I guess if they want A wedding at the end The devil's wife Is gonna have to Leave the devil at some point And then get remarried I mean

Does she marry God at the end Setting you up for the sequel? Oh, that would be fun. Because I realized recently that when people date celebrities, or are celebrities, they have very strange dating histories, and suddenly someone will have been with all of these people that you would never expect to date the same person. So if this woman is dating the devil, God, whoever rules over Limbo,

I assume the party master, because it's America's favorite party game. Right. Because Limbo's America's favorite party game. I think, you know, I think you've got a trilogy right here. Right. And sure, we found out in college she had slept with the Kraken. So, yeah, so that's

another episode of Jordan Elliottordan elliott go uh the podcast that'll have you saying jordan elliott go get out of here to the microphones and record another episode of this great podcast that we love uh ellie you're not a big uh you're not a big video game guy right uh no i used to be when i was like a teenager. And at a certain point, I just lost the taste. I don't know. I think partly the games got too complicated. Sure. And also, I just didn't have the time.

For a while, I didn't have the money to throw away on video games. I instead was buying hot dogs. When your hot dog addiction kicked in. Well, there was a period that I call my tighten the belt period when I was a young man just out of college. When I was eating mainly just hot dogs with no buns and boiled spaghetti with no sauce on it because I had to make ends meet. Together? Were you like chopping up the hot dogs and putting them into the dry noodles? No, that would cost too much.

I was eating at different times. And every now and then I would splurge on Popeyes popeyes of course which would be like a luxury dinner for me but uh and at that i just kind of like just lost a real interest in video games and i never quite got into it like around the time like you mentioned uh tomb raider earlier jesse around the time tomb raider came out i was like oh i should try that game sometime and then it's like i turned around and when i turned back tomb raider 5 was out and i was like okay i guess i missed the boat on this one this oh yeah you can't you can't come in at five you're gonna be lost i think around the time when it became standard for you to have a second joystick that would control the camera i i was like these games are i can't coordinate my fingers in this way if i could i would play

guitar yeah i feel like you hear that a lot is that's when that's when video games left a lot of people behind is when you needed to your something controls your guy and then something controls the camera i think that was like it's a weird concept so yeah i can see how that like that would make so many people say fuck it it's like i don't know anyone who's in a movie and is also the cameraman at the same time except for certain types of pornography i guess and i don't need to play games that are like that. What type's that, Elliot? It's called POV. Oh, interesting. So like in my novel, the POV is going to be from the POV of the devil's wife. Is it like that? Somewhat, I guess.

Yeah, it's like where she's holding the phone. That's a kind of online video that I find hilarious because it's hard for me not to imagine the guy having to either hold like a phone

or a DV cam or an old school video like camcorder while going through the motions of this already difficult and complicated act that we call human love.

So I really feel for that guy. Yes, we do call it that. I maybe assume that when you're doing that sort of pornography, you have some sort of head mount. If you're doing it right. Oh! Really? Like a GoPro.

Oh, that makes sense. Well, then you have to think about the partner who is taking part in this while the person that they are, again, enacting physical love with looks ridiculous. Yeah, they have to make the sex face at someone who has a GoPro on their head. I mean that's what separates the amateurs from the professionals is the ability to pull that off. Right, yeah. Can you imagine the GoPro isn't there? Well, it's like when stand-ups get talk shows and some of them can read teleprompters and some of them can't. Yeah, sure.

I think they can't have a head-mounted camera because that's where they put one of those mountaineering lamps. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, to make sure the lighting is good. You only watch cave POV porn, right? Yeah. Yeah, Vandal Savage type stuff. Do you guys watch non-cave pornography? Yes.

I would say that maybe only 10% of the pornography I watch takes place in a cave. Yeah, I think most that I experience takes place in a room of some kind. What's great about the cave stuff is they really take advantage of the sort of topography of the walls. You they really take advantage of the sort of topography

of the walls. You know, you think of the walls as being flat. It's what that genre of pornography has in common with the ancient paintings depicted in the Werner Herzog movie, Cave of Forgotten Dreams. Right, yes, sure.

It's interesting that you mention that because a lot of those handprints on the walls are from people who were facing away from their partners at the time. And were just putting their palms flat against the wall to stabilize. Getting railed. The thing with the cave pornography for me is that I always get distracted because I always just, you know, I lose the thread of the erotic fantasy, and I just start thinking about, what's the difference between stalactites and stalagmites? Well, here's the difference.

Okay. Stalactites are, oh, they're so tight. Tight and nasty. Those nasty tights. Nasty outcroppings. And stalagmites might be having kind of personal difficulties that leak into the world of the video and kind of make it harder to watch. Oh, okay.

Well, thank you. That's a fun mnemonic. What a handy mnemonic. The only thing I don't like about them is, you know, sometimes you're watching them, especially the amateur homemade ones, about them is, you know, sometimes you're watching them, especially the amateur homemade ones, and then while the action is taking

place, a wolf walks through the frame, you know, and you're like... A wolf? I think you're, uh, are you watching Michael Mann's Collateral? Is this still amateur cave stuff? Yeah, living caves. This is an amateur cave video. Yeah, wolves living caves. Sure. I think. Do stuff? Yeah, living caves. This is an amateur cave video.

Wolves live in caves. I think. Do they? Sure. Why not? No, I don't think they live in caves. They do in Lara Croft Tomb Raider, okay? Okay, yeah, you got me there.

So is she raiding tombs or caves? She's raiding, well, a lot of the tombs are in caves. It's one of the top places to keep tombs. Okay, that makes sense to me. Some are underwater. You know, at the end of the day, what they all have in common is puzzles where you can't figure out what the rules are. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ancient civilizations were really big on not really making it clear which parts of the scene you could interact with, and which parts were basically window dressing.

Hey, here's what you, because the third thing you learn in archaeology school, first thing, how to kill with a headshot. Yeah. Second thing, how to jump at a sheer wall and then grab onto a ledge with one hand. Three, if you're having trouble with a puzzle, just walk up to everything and push X.

Maybe it'll do something. If it does something, it's probably part of the puzzle. Man, you know, I feel like I feel like PhDs in archaeology have really been devalued since some of those PhD candidates got hip to GameFacts.com

Right. Yeah, they just watch the walk through on YouTube. In my day in grad school we had to get we actually actually go get the book of tips tricks hints and codes right you had to go into barnes and noble if they didn't have it you had to special order it and they wrap it in plastic so you don't just read it there to learn how to beat the one guy you need to beat and then go home the full 12.95 you gotta let's take a quick break We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elliot Kalin, last sane man in a world gone mad. Really? What does that say about us? No, you guys are both mad also. You're both insane. Oh, yeah. This podcast is happening in my head as I'm dying on the operating table.

Oh, yeah. Really sad. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that sounds like a shock jock intro, Elliot. Do you consider yourself something of a podcast shock jock? Yeah, I mean, only in that I tell it like it is and I don't care whose toes I step on. Right.

But also that, you know, some of my opinions, they aren't necessarily PC, and by that I mean personal computer because my opinions are Mac, thank you very much. Right, right. And, you know, just that, like, I'm there to create controversy, you know? I'm there to, like, shake people out of their complacency. Stir the pot. Stir the pot and occasionally do donut ads. That's an ad, of course, where there's a prerecorded top. Then I come in in the middle and give, like, a personal thing.

And then there's a prerecorded back. And then it's back to the show. So, yeah, I guess I am kind of a shock jock. I prefer to think of myself as a stock jock because so much of my show is about boiling chicken bones for the delicious chicken stock that it creates. Throw some celery in there, onions, carrots, all sorts of things. The only problem is – But some of your opinions on chicken stock are kind of unpopular these days. I mean in our PC snowflake landscape.

Is that right? You've been chastised for some of your stock opinions? snowflake landscape. Is that right? You've been chastised for some of your stock opinions? People are a little easily triggered by my opinion that it is a waste of chicken carcasses to make stock out of them when you can give them to me and I can just pick them clean of meat and then break the bones open and suck the marrow out, as I prefer to do. Whoa, you can't say that. Hey, man, nobody tells me what I can and can't say. It's called the First Amendment, buddy. Look into it. This is my safe space? Jordan, you've never heard Elliot say this before? This is one of his

stock stock takes. Oh, whoa! I'm writing to the ACLU about this. Oh, I'm fainting. Did I get a reaction out of you? Good. That's my job, man. If you were bored, I'd be fired. Okay, next caller. Bring on this moron.

When I was a kid, maybe like, let's say age 9 to 14, something like that, I listened really regularly to the local sports talk radio station in San Francisco, KNBR 68, the sports leader. station in San Francisco, KNBR 68, the sports leader. And there was this guy who came on at night. So like, this was pretty early in the days of sports talk when the takes were not that hot, and the opinions were surprisingly reasonable, and the people were pretty friendly. But then there was this guy who came on. This was when it was still Mike and the reasonable dog. Yes, exactly. Good local New York reference still mike and the reasonable dog yes exactly good local new york reference mike and the emotionally balanced dog new york new york superstars okay you're saying i'm neutral sam here with my sidekick johnny both sides he considers both sides of every argument

watch out we got another visit from the agreenator. We got a call from one of our favorite callers in Martinez. It's Tepid Timmy. Tepid Timmy, you're on the air. Hi, guys. You're doing a great show. That's all. I think both sides have valid takes.

So there were two important things that happened. Tepid Timmy reminded me of a second thing that I'm going to say first. I hope you guys are following me here. I'm not. Go ahead. There was a guy named Gary. I'm lost. There was a guy named Gary Radnitz who had a show on KNBR 68, and he just retired this year. He's in his 70s, I think. And he also hosted the morning and evening, like morning, evening, and late night TV news on the local TV news station.

So he would just be driving back and forth between the radio station and the TV station from like 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. Living the dream. Sleep for four hours and then start again. Yeah. He had a regular caller. Smoke some crank? He had a regular caller whose name was Johnny the Gout Man. Johnny the Gout Man. And I still remember the time that on the air,

Gary Radnich asked his producer to look up what gout was. And it's like a very painful medical condition that happens to older people, especially overweight older people. It's like really horribly bad. But this guy was like, it was like, you know, he called in, he had a hot take about, you know, JT Snow, the first basement of the Giants at the time. And they were like, well, what's your handle? He had a hot take about J.T. Snow, the first basement of the Giants at the time.

And they were like, well, what's your handle? And he's like, Johnny the Gout Man. So that's Johnny the Gout Man. Oh, yeah. That reminds me. I'm Exima Jordan from now on. It's Exima Jordan. Rub me with creams.

That's my catchphrase is rub me with creams. Right. There was a guy who came in late nights on KNBR. He might have been a syndicated host, but I think he at least started as a local host on KNBR. And his name was Pharrell. And I don't know if he's still in uh still in sports talk but he he was like in this realm of like genial old-timey radio hosts that were almost all of the people that hosted the shows he just came in and he he talked like this Pharrell and then whenever someone would call in he'd go pour him a cold one and then they would play a sound effect of a beer being poured out of a out of a spout in a bar like a you know like a

like a glass mill and then he'd go uh what's your take? I was like, dude, fuck you. That was my opinion about that guy. I think he sounds like a pretty cool dude. Yeah. No, it was too much for me. I mean, if he's pouring me a cold one and rubbing me with creams, he's okay with me as long as he also rubs me with creams. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally get Pharrell to rub you with creams,

we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or record a voice memo and email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. In fact, that's probably better. So just do that. It's easier and better. jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

Some of these momentous occasions, by the way, took place before the world changed. So if you're wondering why they don't acknowledge the new world in which we live, that's why. But you know what? That's also sort of why we chose them. Yeah, it's like going in a fun time machine. Brian, go ahead and press play. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. I i'm assuming i don't know karen kilgaris um calling with a momentous occasion uh i just got done with my vasectomy

uh i've got a nurse here nurse amy say hi nurse amy hey um and uh it is actually my second nut surgery after a testicular torsion when I was a kid. So 29 years later, we're closing for business. Love you guys. Talk to you later. How many times have you guys had your nuts cut open? No, man. My nuts have been intact since 1982. Oh, wow.

That's when they coalesced. Right. I have questions for him because that is an operation that I would like to have done, a vasectomy, because I have enough children and I don't need any more. And so I'm wondering, so can I talk to him now? He's still on the line. Hey, buddy. So where did you go to get it done and how did it go? Sorry, it's just me tepid timmy oh tepid timmy and me eczema jordan rub me with creams can i talk to the caller

i think you should yeah hi caller if you Caller, are you there? First of all, rub me with creams. My accent was really bad. My skin is very cracked and painful. I'll pour you a cold one. Thank you, Pharrell. I love your songs in the Despicable Me movies. A lot of fun. Big fan of your hat.

Yeah, great hat. Remember when it had a Twitter account? Oh, man. I like it when a musician, I'm not a fan of their music that much, but I do like their hat. It's like, okay, he's doing something to appeal to me. He has a hat. Jordan, you've just introduced into my idea,

through my whole childhood in the 1990s, it was a beautiful music celebrity, Pharrell, who was talking about Jason Richardson of the Warriors or whatever, Andrew DeClercq. And then at some point, like, he just heard a really good Timbaland single or something. And he's like, you know, I bet I could make beats. Well, that's the thing about Pharrell is he's a multi-hyphenate. Yeah. Yeah. Musician, hat wearer, lots of stuff. So yeah, the thing I just wanted to say to the caller is um

yeah just have fun blasting in your spouse it's really it's really beautiful um this is a really beautiful time for the two of you um it's your time um where you can just you know throw caution to the wind and you know and blast in your spouse. And I think that's really beautiful. It is really beautiful. I don't know that you and your, I don't, I don't mean to, I don't, I don't know if you

guys are officially married and I don't know your situation. Right. Um, blasting in your partner, I guess I should say. Yeah. There you go. As long as they're blasting responsibly. Yeah. As long as you're, as long as you're blasting within, It doesn't matter what you call yourself. You don't need

a piece of paper. You don't need Johnny Law to sign a document. Just blast in them. Anyway. When I had to take my vasectomy class at my HMO, there was a few single dudes in there who were just trying to head things off at the pass.

Okay. There was a couple of guys and there was this nice nurse who was teaching the class, and she'd be like, well, how do you know that this is right for you? It's not a reliably reversible procedure. And the guy would just go like, yeah, man, I just don't want to have any kids, you know? I mean, that's fair. Sure. Sounds like a guy who knows himself.

Even if I had a spouse, I'd just want to blast them with no consequences. It's like, I just want to live every dude's dream of not having anyone to remember me after I die. I want to be the last in my line, man. Look, I hated my parents, and I just want to end the bloodline here. Kind of like those nephews of Hitler who agreed together that they would never have kids,

so that the bloodline would end with them. Kind of like that. Yeah, my father's fucked up genes end with me. They're like, anyway, who's your dad? Dr. Spock? Oh, really? The pediatrician? Elliot, the answer to how it works roughly is uh

you go to a conference room in the basement of the parking garage of kaiser all right a nurse a nurse passes out some pamphlets and then walks you and your new best bros through things it is truly the environment outside of, I don't know, maybe like an NA meeting. It is the environment that most closely replicates the AA meetings that I went to with my dad as a child. It's just a bunch of grisly dudes. So is it anything like once, when I was a production assistant for The Daily Show back in my younger days, they needed me to go for some reason for props for a field piece or something. I needed to go get some pamphlets about living with STDs, and so they sent me to an STD clinic in New York just to get pamphlets. And I remember walking in and just seeing this room where a bunch of guys were sitting on folding chairs watching an old TV as they waited for their appointments to, I guess, get tested or treatment. I don't know.

But it was like all these guys who looked like they didn't have a lot going on in their lives. In the middle of the day, they were sitting waiting very calmly watching soap operas on an old TV in the waiting room of this clinic. And this nurse came up to me and said, excuse me, do you need an appointment? And I said, no. And I grabbed a bunch of pamphlets and I ran out of there. It has a certain sense of bonhomie in the group. That's why I compare it to an AA meeting. And I, you know, obviously women go to AA meetings as well, but my dad would go to vets AA meetings. So they were almost always all men. At that time. a meeting so they were almost always all men um and at that time at the at that time exactly and uh uh and like there's a sense that like everyone is on the same capture the flag team or something

like that uh there's a real conviviality to it there's also there's also a sense of like a true cross-section of society that you only get – in my experience, I've only had it in this class. And then I think arguably when I worked for the Department of Elections supervising polling places, it's just a real miscellaneous group of your fellow residents of your home city. And then you go in. Do you still, I know, you know, the vasectomy is over and done with, but do you still see your sack bros? Yeah, do you do the reunions? Yeah, we... Sack bro sack lunch?

Yeah, we get together on... Yeah, everyone packs their own lunch. You meet in a park. We get together over on Catalina once a year. We have a nice time. It's beautiful. Beautiful there. Beautiful there. It's beautiful. I didn't even know there was a class involved. I thought it could be like a drive-thru procedure. We all bring our own

lunch. It's always frozen peas. Oh, boy. I am not sure I get that. That's what you put on your nuts after you have the surgery. Really? Yeah. Not a cold pack?

A bag of frozen peas. Well, you know, or a bag of frozen peas. A bag of frozen peas works really well. Sure. If you're the guy who's there in the waiting room, you may not have remembered to get a cold pack ahead of time. You're going to be working with the bag of frozen peas that is maybe the only thing in your freezer. Do you guys have bags of frozen peas on hand? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, definitely. Sure, yeah. I mean, what are you, all fresh peas? Oh, yeah, I only. When you freeze the pea, you take away its essence, Jesse. Every day, you're going to the farmer's market, going to the pea barrel. Right, I pick them out pea by pea.

Oh, wow, really? Oh, yeah. I touch all the peas. It's very gross. The other key elements of the experience, Elliot, are there's a doctor and a resident who are doing the surgery. The doctor is chatting with you the whole time to an almost absurd extent, especially for somebody who, like, a sheet uh has a laser in your testicles is that do you think that's part of it do you think that's part of the you know bedside

manner that you'll you'll be more relaxed if the doctor is chatting or do you think they are just starved for chatting i think he was just excited you know he was an npr listener and i think he was excited to check out some some genuine celebrity nuts okay you know i'm not a celebrity a lot of places but to uh to a nut doctor they're they're very consistently npr listeners they hear me on kpcc uh they were they were excited to be slicing slicing open my reproductive organs wow uh the other things about it it hurts way more than you think, Elliot. It hurts a lot while they're doing it. And you smell your flesh burning.

Oh. And at some point you intuit that the resident has screwed something up because the doctor shuts up for a minute and really gets in there. Okay, so that happens every time? That was just my experience. And then it takes a long time where you have to wear a jockstrap all the time.

Okay, interesting. You have to wear a jockstrap for like 10 days or something, two weeks. I don't remember. For a long time, you have to avoid a they're probably medical professionals called dangling traumas. Okay. So you got to keep everything tucked, you know? Okay. That's fair. Uh, is there a play? I mean, I know that, you know, some, some, you know, jock straps have a, you know, have a kind of a pouch where you can insert a cup. Um, could you just stuff that pouch of fruit full of frozen peas? I'm not going to tell you that I didn't wear two jock straps at once,

one with my nuts in it, and then a second over that that was holding the frozen peas. That's smart. Yeah, well, I'm no stone jug, as my stepmother would say. Why would she say that? What would that mean? What would that possibly mean? Well, stone jugs are bad at thinking, boys.

Especially in Ireland in the 1970s, I guess. That was one of the dumber times for stone jugs. Yeah, sure. Should we take another call? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to guess no guests because we're in the middle of COVID-19. I was listening to this week's episode and heard Jordan talk about the team at the pool and the Dave Matthews song. And I would like to share my experience with the team and Dave Matthews.

I live in Seattle where Dave Matthews currently lives. And a teen that I know was on a school trip with his daughter. She did not know that her chaperone was Dave Matthews as Dave Matthews I am until the end of the trip. And she said in the hood, David, trip. And she was dead in the head. David, I didn't know you were in a band. Anyways, that's a team who did not know

Dave Matthews. I love you. Stay safe. Bye. Caller, first of all, I'm glad that you're getting in your Peloton time. Thanks for calling in during it. I'm glad you called us while you were fleeing from something.

I assumed a werewolf. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was my big assumption. Sure. When was the last full moon? The last full moon was right now. No. No.

It's been a werewolf this whole time. Next week's action item. What do teen wolves know about Dave Matthews? Ironically, they don't know what would you say, but they do know too much. Strange. They're basically the same song and one is more famous than You Say, but they do know Too Much. Strange. They're basically the same song, and one is more famous than the other, but they know the second one. Weird. Elliot, for your knowledge, I've been having a weird experience at my public pool where they have been putting on playlists that are clearly made by the teens that work there, and they are full of only teen music, so your Billie Eilish's and things like that.

But then inexplicably every day there will be one – I don't know Billie Eilish's other songs, but Bad Guy is a genuinely fun song. Yeah, it's a blast. Yeah, that's as much of a blast as what you would do in your spouse after a second. Sure. it's a blast. Yeah. That's, that's, that's, that's as much of a blast as what you would do in your spouse after a second. Sure. And so is it, is your problem? So you have a problem with this? Uh, no, it's just, it just blows my mind. I like, I think the teen music is really cool. It's really fun to swim to, even though I cannot identify at all. Um, and, but I always, it, it just makes you feel like an old man when someone says something about a song and you go, Oh yeah, I heard that at the pool.

Right. Yeah. Uh, but when the Dave Matthews song comes up, it's just like it, it, it, I make a face like I just found a hair in my food. Not because I don't like Dave Matthews. It's just because it is a surprise. Well, what song is it? Uh, it's all, it's a lot of different songs.

Uh, I mean, which, which leads me to believe that there is a teen Dave Matthews fan that works there and is putting different songs into these playlists that do not have any similar music in them. I mean, here's the thing. I have to assume that it's the same way that people in their 20s inexplicably love Frasier. Oh, right. Sure. This is interesting. Go ahead. Yeah, keep going.

I was in high school when it was on, and I watched it. It's a really well-written show. But to me, it was the epitome of like a show for people my grandparents' age. Right. Where it's a lot of like, oh, God, the opera has closed down. What am I going to do? Like that kind of thing. And then telling Roz, his producer, that she was a crazy person because she was having sex even though she was not in a committed relationship.

And so maybe there's just this weird teen subculture where they're like, yeah, Dave Matthews Band. That's the piece of culture from before we were born that we're really interested in. Like, oh, my brother who's in college watches Frasier, but I listen to Dave Matthews' band. Right, yeah, I kind of theorized that, that obviously we all kind of knew the kid who was like, music today ain't got shit on Led Zeppelin or whatever. But yeah, but maybe there's something to that.

I mean, I think you hear about, oh, 20 oh, you know, 20-somethings love Friends. 20-somethings love Frasier. And it's because there are these kind of comforting shows. You know, there's a Higa quality to them. I don't know what that means. What does that mean? I don't understand that. Like Scandinavian, you know, comfort.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, that's kind of the way. You know what? Yes, I think that's the other way. Because that's how I feel when I watch Cheers, which is a show that started right before I was born. And when I watch it, it's like a cozy little reminder of an earlier time where people put on sports jackets to go to a bar at night for a drink.

Right. And their wives got dressed up and put on makeup and took handbags with them. I mean, to be fair, Elliot, they were getting a drink and then they were going upstairs to Melville's for dinner. Not always. Often they were. Yes, that's true. But sometimes they were just there because they heard that a famous baseball player owned a bar and they wanted to see if it was true that he actually ran the bar himself. And back in those days, if a famous baseball player owned a bar, he would actually man the bar. Not like nowadays, when you go to,

when you go to A-Rod's and you're never going to see A-Rod there. I mean, there's that mannequin of him, that statue that you can take pictures with. And with the lighting, it kind of looks like if you pose it right, like he's actually there with you, but like, you're never actually going to see A-Rod at the bar with you.'s a uh five guys where you can get a burger from jose canseco oh yeah i mean we've all been there yeah that's great sure i'm one of the guys he'll tell you he's one of the guys he's not one of the guys he's not one of the he's yeah no matter how much how much shit jose canseco talks he's not one of the five guys from five guys weirdly ozzy canseco is oh Ozzy Canseco. Oh yeah, he's two of the five guys.

Yeah, I mean, I think maybe there is something to, you know, it is the music from a less chaotic time. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. A time when all you had to worry about was hacky-sacking. When you're trying to explain this to Elliot, when Elliot was a teenager, he only listened to super cool, he only checked out super cool stuff from the past, like Fritz Lang's Metropolis. Yeah, I mean, well, Metropolis was great. I was more of an M head, related to Em. I mean, if you flip through my CD collection, you'd find such hits as the soundtrack to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. You'd find The Best of Raymond Scott, not his electronic music from later on, just his early screwy jazz.

You know, so I was pretty hip to the earlier stuff. And then all the albums of Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet and Elastica's first album, and that was my entire collection. Oh, Elliot, don't tell me there's not a Goblin album in there somewhere. Oh, see, I didn't even know Goblin existed until later. If I had known about them, they'd be there. But I didn't learn about them until years later.

I like to check in once in a while. You know how you'll Google your high school girlfriend once every six years? You're just like, I wonder what she's up to, you know what I mean? Or your middle school crush, or the coolest guy on your little league team or something. Every once in a while, I like to check in with this guy named Jimmy Aquino, who on our college radio station had an all-soundtrack music show called Fistful of Soundtracks.

Cool. And every time I've checked in, it's been some years since I've checked in, but every time I've checked in, he has had some version of Fistful of Soundtracks. He has a 20-year legacy of Fistful of Soundtracks. So just a tip of the cap to Jumi Akino, a nice guy who loved movie soundtracks. So just a tip of the cap to Jimmy Aquino, a nice guy who loved movie soundtracks

enough to listen to them when he was not watching a movie. That is definitely something from our childhoods is the movie-like soundtrack or CD of music inspired by that movie, which is kind of just a catch-all of what the music on the radio from that corporate parent company was. Like the ones that were not the music from the movie. There might have been a credit song in there, one or two original songs in there. But mostly it was just whatever the company had made the movie that company's record company it was just whatever they had lying around it was like well we have

this one time when uh bono did a version of the old gray mare uh right but they just think the idea that like someone showed the cardigans a rough cut of baz lerman's romeo plus juliet and they were so inspired that they had they dashed right into the studio and wrote a song and said we we have to we have to associate with this with the movie somehow i look i am this devastates me because i thought that's exactly what much like neil young doing the soundtrack to dead man uh just by watching the movie and playing guitar along with the film that's what i thought it was i thought they would just usher these bands into a movie theater and be like guys maybe you don't come up with a song from this maybe it doesn't inspire you that way but if it does we want to put it out

because we feel like this is the combination that is really going to make magic happen. And then just like let that movie stew, and then the lights will go up at the end of the movie, and they'll be like, hey, you don't have a song now. If you do, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. Sleep on it. And then tomorrow, you get in that studio, and you just jam it out, and we'll put it out. I was assuming that was the fantasy. We hope you liked the faculty, the offspring. out and we'll put it out.

We hope you, I was assuming that was the fantasy. We hope you liked the faculty, the offspring. What was the, who was this? Well, who was the band who had that song that was in one of the Batman movies or it was associated with it.

It was like the kiss me, kill me. That was U2. So Prince wrote the, all the music from eight Batman 89. Uh, but then this is Batman forever was where that terrible U2 song came from. And that was one of those things where I was like, the music video had just scenes from Batman Forever.

But I don't remember it being even, was it in the credits of the movie? Yeah, I think that is a great example of the inspired by song that was like all over the places. Yeah, I'm sure that was just a U2-side that was on a, you know, Japan-only release and we're like, oh, we can add some clips of the Val Kilmer Batman to this video. I think... They're like, what properties do we have that we can mash together?

I think there's like a hierarchy of your compilation movie soundtracks. At the top is maybe like a Wes Anderson, like a Rushmore soundtrack. your compilation movie soundtracks. At the top is maybe like a Wes Anderson, like a Rushmore soundtrack. One below that, like a Pulp Fiction soundtrack. That was a huge soundtrack of our childhoods, a Pulp Fiction. Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.

That was enormous, that Pulp Fiction soundtrack. Yeah, everyone was playing that Ooga Chaka song all over the place. Was that Pulp Fiction or was that Reservoir Dogs, that stupid Ooga Chaka song? That might have been Reservoir Dogs. One I remember there was one

there was one summer at summer camp when that song was playing constantly and I was like can we stop with the caveman music? We might accidentally

summon Vandal Savage. We don't need that. He's always up to something. He'll try to take over the world. And then people were like we don't know who that is and then you were like yeah it's an intentionally

obscure reference. The joke is how obscure it is. And they were like oh we don't know who that is. And then you were like, yeah, it's an intentionally obscure reference. The joke is how obscure it is. And they were like, oh, we get it, punch. I would say below... They would say punch while they were punching you? Yeah, yeah. It was difficult. Below the relatively artfully constructed needle drop soundtrack, like a Pulp Fiction.

Then you have whatever it was, Armageddon or whatever that had that hit Aerosmith song. Then, then you... Oh yeah, don't want to miss a thing. Sure, yeah. Then below that you have Only Inspired By, a movie that doesn't really have any of its own hit songs in it, but they just throw in whatever one of the guys from another bad creation, who's now 27, tried recording with Teddy Riley or whatever. I had an album that was what I would argue is the lowest tier of this, and I bought it with my own money. I think I was probably 12 or 13. this and I bought it with my own money. I think I was probably 12 or 13. I went to Blockbuster Video and bought a Blockbuster Video branded cassette tape of the year's best movie songs so that I

could have the I Would Walk 500 Miles For You song. Wow. What movie was it in? I don't remember. Maybe it was in Benny and June? I didn't say Benny and June. I could see that happening, sure. It might be So I Married an Axe Murderer. It could very well be in So I Married an Axe Murderer, which I actually watched relatively recently, so I should remember. No, we've talked about So I Married an Axe Murderer recently on the show. Yeah, very strange movie. I'm going to go out on a limb here. I think it's a very strange movie

that I think will probably age better than any other Mike Myers movies. Well, as someone who watched it recently, I can tell you I disagree. I think that speaks more to the level of most of his movie output, but I also haven't seen it in years. Yeah.

I've watched Wayne's World. I've watched Wayne's World recently. It's so really funny. Yeah, Wayne's World't seen it in years. I've watched Wayne's World. I've watched Wayne's World recently. It's still really funny. Austin Powers won. Oh yeah, Wayne's World. I think Austin Powers, I'd be curious to watch and see if his whole bit still comes off as kind of like charmingly cheeky, or if it seems gross now. Sure.

But, you know, and then of course there's The Love Guru, which is just a great movie. Yeah, well I think we can all agree. We're all big Love Guru heads. Yeah, we're all goo heads. I think, speaking of my vasectomy, the movie that I watched while I was waiting for my vasectomy on my phone, because I had to wait, like, 12 hours. Or, no, my appendectomy, not my vasectomy. My appendectomy. Hey, you knew they were cutting something out of you.

That documentary that he made about his manager and what a fun guy he was. His manager, Shep. Okay. Hey, guys, something momentous happened to me today. Oh, do you want to share it now? Yeah, I gave myself a haircut. Oh, yeah, sure. How did it go?

I mean, I'm not not gonna lie to you what happened is my wife my three-year-old needed to take a nap and he was refusing to take a nap so my wife loaded all the kids in the minivan and said i'm gonna drive around until gaga falls asleep and uh let the let the other kids use their ipads or whatever. And you can just enjoy this time off. And I don't know how to enjoy time off. I don't know how to enjoy things. And so I spent about 15 minutes playing my baseball mogul. And then I realized that was bad.

And then I decided to give myself a haircut. And my very, very, very strong inclination was to go like full Mr. Clean. Like the level of desire, like the cabin fever that took hold of me that made me want to just lather up my whole head and go at it with a straight razor was very powerful. And the fact that I left it at an electric razor with a, with a, with a number one half guard on it, uh, was an act of the truest forbearance on my part. What is preventing you from going full clean? Uh, I think my wife would not want me to blast inside her.

Uh, thereafter. I think. By full Mr. Clean, you mean with a single earring, right? Yeah, single earring. And wearing all white? And I would shine it up a little, you know, like a bowling ball.

Sure. With a hilarious sound. You'd take a towel and just kind of like rub it over. Some furniture polish, yeah. You know a towel and just kind of like rub it over. Some furniture polish. From one side to the other. Yeah. You know, I think maybe, Jesse, with your physique, we could probably call it full diesel, right? Yeah, full diesel.

People probably compare you more to Vin Diesel than they would to Mr. Clean. I'm pretty yoked. Mr. Clean is kind of like the closest thing to Vin Diesel that we can get, though. I mean, he's, or vice versa. Because Mr. Clean is also in great shape, especially at his age. That's true, and Vin Diesel cleans up at the box office. I did it once before. I mean, I don't know if you remember this, Jordan, because I wonder if you had already gone home from college. But one year when I was an RA, and I had to stay around until my last resident had taken their last final. So I had

taken all my finals and just had like four or five days on campus where I wasn't allowed to leave and go home for the year, but also I had nothing to do. I got super bored and my friend, my friend Jilly B from Vallejo proposed shaving my head in the quad and I did it. And it was a lot of fun. And I went home afterwards and my now wife was there and she was deeply opposed to it and told me that I was never allowed to do it again. And that was the only thing, that 20-year-old memory was the only thing that kept me from doing it today. That's a really beautiful story. Wow. Thank you.

It's a tale about how love conquers all. Sure. I mean, it's one of the oldest stories, man versus nature. Man versus bad decision. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica. Hi, I'm Renee Colbert. I'm Alexis Preston. And we're the hosts of the smash hit podcast, Can I Pet Your Dog? Now, Alexis. Yes. We got big news.

Uh-oh. Since last we did a promo, our dogs have become famous. World famous. World, like, stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Second big news. Mm-hmm. The reviews are in. Mm-hmm.

Take yourself to Apple Podcasts. You know what you're going to hear? We're happy. It's true. We're a delight. A great distraction from the world. I like that part a lot. So if that's what you guys are looking for, you gotta check out our

show. But what else can they expect? We've got dog tech, dog news, celebrities with their dogs, all dog things. All the dog things. So if that interests you, well, get yourself on over to Maximum Fun every Tuesday. La, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la. Hey everyone, it's I, John Hodg, la, la, la. Hey, everyone. It's I, John Hodgman of the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. And I, Elliot Kalin of the Flophouse Podcast. And we've made a whole new podcast, a 12-episode special miniseries called I, Podius, in which we recap, discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called I, Claudius. We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as star of I, Claudius, Sir Patrick Stewart, and his son, non-Sir Daniel Stewart.

Don't worry, Dan, you'll get there someday. I, Claudius is the name of the show. Every week from MaximumFun.org for only 12 weeks. Get them at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elliot Kalin,

also mad, used to be sane, now I'm mad too. World gone mad. Everyone's mad. I was the last one. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. So let's just, I'll admit it. We can move on. Elliot, that's a really beautiful story.

Tale as oldest time, you know? One of the oldest stories. Yeah, sure. Man versus machine. I mean, it can't be one of the oldest if there's a machine involved. Yeah, I guess so. I guess they're like, guys, we have to add another kind of story Machines are common Unless it's like, the oldest machine

They're like ramps You know, a simple machine Man versus ramp Man versus dumb waiter This pulley will not defeat me We have to add another story story fellas my brother was killed by a cotton gin oh boy this is that what the story uh uh ancient robert mckee's uh story seminar uh yes that's what this is in the ancient robert mckee's story seminar his maxim, his famous maxim is, give me a lever large enough and I will save the cat.

His maxim is, you should always be looking at Casablanca, the greatest movie ever written, which was written in a rush with new pages every night, and they didn't know what the ending was when they started shooting it. I'm Robert McKee for stories. Yeah, take that, Robert McKee. Yeah, bam, he listens to this, right? I apologize. Yeah, he's the one who called in

about the vasectomy. Really? Yeah, that was him. He's very lively. Yeah. Didn't you hear at the end where he's like, Brian Cox played me in a movie? You know what? I thought that's what he said, but I thought I misheard. No, he didn't say that. That was him saying Brian Cox played me in a movie.

I thought he meant Cox in a different way, because of the story. Do you think he started listening to the show after we had Susan Orlean, who Meryl Streep plays in that movie? On our show as a guest? Nah, man. He's a Chris Fairbanks head. He was in that same movie,

The Amazing Susan Orlean Robert McKee Adventure. He's like, when I'm not thinking about story structure, I love to watch Fuel TV. Right. Where stories are born. I hope it never goes off the air. Elliot, what's the last movie you watched for the Flophouse?

We actually just recorded an episode earlier today for the movie Book Club, starring, it's an all-star cast, Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, and Mary Steenburgen, as a book club of four older women who finally get around to reading Fifty Shades of Grey and have a romantic awakening in each of their lives.

And it does not live up to that premise. As I say in the podcast, this movie makes a promise that we will see Diane Keaton in a leather mask, and it never fulfills that promise. It's a very tame movie. But it's part of a theme month I was trying to get going called Mombuary, where we watch movies that I could see my mom watching. But I think that this might be the only one we do in that vein.

We'll see. Wait, are there other candidates? Palms, also with Diane Keaton. I mean, any movie where women have inexplicably beautiful kitchens. And they're usually either chefs or bakers. Right. Stuff like that, you know. And they don't know how computers work. I think that would explique why their kitchens are so beautiful.

I suppose. I guess so. That would explique it. In fact, it's very explicable now I think about it. But I'm trying to think. Every now and then my mom will call me up and just tell me about a movie she saw because she sees all the movies that come out. And she'll be like, you should do this one for the podcast. And it was terrible, and it's usually a movie I like a lot.

And then she'll be like, but you should see this one, and that's the one that usually we end up doing for the podcast. So my mom and I are kind of like mirror images of each other that way. Well, I imagine if you're listening to this show, you also subscribe to The Flophouse. But if you don't, what the fuck are you doing? It's a great show. It's the most laughs per second in podcasting. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you and Dan and Stu are three of the funniest guys around, and it's so nice to hear three smart, funny guys describe Verodica so I don't

have to see it. We're glad we could provide that service. I wish somebody else could have done it for me. So I didn't have to watch it. Glenn Danzig's directorial debut. Yeah, yeah. We had a recent episode about Verodica, Glenn Danzig's directorial debut in which the first of three – it's an anthology film of horror stories. And the first of the three stories involves a woman who has eyes instead of nipples. And the first of the three stories involves a woman who has eyes instead of nipples, and she is so sad that men are weirded out by this that she cries and her tear hits a spider, which transforms the spider into a giant, horrible spider-man who attacks and kills women while she's sleeping. And the fact that she has eyes instead of nipples is never explained.

Now you say this is a bad movie. I know that description makes it sound awesome, but it's actually not a well-made movie. The third story in it is a kind of a take on the Lady Bathory legend of an evil queen who bathes in virgin blood. And there's no story. Just a woman bathing in virgin blood for about 20 minutes. Yeah, the Flophouse is always a treat. I love it so, and in these times when pleasures can seem scarce, it's such a thrill to see a new Flophouse episode boop onto my phone.

I just love it. Oh, thank you very much. It's great of you to say, Jordan. I'll say this. Seven or eight years ago, Jordan recommended the Flophouse to me. I take Jordan's recommendations very much. It's great of you to say, Jordan. I'll say this. Seven or eight years ago, Jordan recommended The Flophouse to me. I take Jordan's recommendations very seriously, but I sort of rolled my eyes because I was like, Jordan, I know you like bad movie stuff, but I don't really like bad movie stuff. I feel like it's a, you know, I don't know, like I'd rather watch a good movie,

and I don't feel bad goofing on bad movies and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, whatever, whatever,

whatever. Maybe I'll check it out sometime. Like a year later, I checked it out and I was like, Oh, this is so great. And now not only is it one of my favorite podcasts that I, I listened to every episode.

It is also, you know, three of three of my favorite pals in the world. So thank you, Jordan, for recommending it to me. And thanks, Elliot, for making such a great show. Thanks so much for saying all those nice things and for having us as part of this network. We started doing that show years before we got a chance to join the Maximum Fun Network. And our lives have all, I can say without joke, our lives have all gotten much better, and doing the podcast has gotten more fun since we joined the Maximum Fun Network.

And I said this to you recently, Jesse, in a private email, that I am always very kind of inspired and impressed by the way the network does things in a very thoughtful way and has so many great shows on it. does things in a very thoughtful way and has so many great shows on it. And each of those shows, I feel like, fits this network aesthetic and set of principles of empathy and caring and wanting to do nice things for other people. And I appreciate that the Flophouse is allowed to not follow those rules

and be a part of the network, even though we're just kind of three idiots just talking nonsense about stupid crap. Yeah, it's not super classy like this show. Well, we'll have a lot more Jordan Jesse go for you in the coming weeks. We are going to sprinkle in a few episodes that we recorded before the big news. So if you hear an episode that sounds better than this episode. That's right.

Before my pregnancy. We've been trying to hide it all season, but at some point the costume department came to us and said, you have to write this in. Right. That's why I'm always holding groceries when i'm doing the podcast i could hear the crimp the crinkle of paper grocery bags in front of your tummy right just gotta hide that baby i have a few particularly clean clean sounding that's right i let somebody blast inside me

clean sounding no is that what it sounded like when the blasting took place or yes that is the sound my spouse and I both made whilst the blasting was taking place we've got at least a couple episodes coming your way that will neither be affected by the poor recording quality of us all recording from our homes or from the cabin cabin fever that has uh taken over our minds and hearts um but uh yeah we're we're grateful to everybody thanks to everybody who sent a nice message we got a lot

of nice messages uh in the last few weeks and it's uh it's really nice. It's really nice to know the role that our show, our stupid, stupid shows play in your lives. It means a lot to me and probably to Jordan too. And maybe to Sonny D, I don't know. He's probably spacing out right now. Brian Sonny D Fernandez is our producer on the program. You can find us on Reddit and maximumfun.reddit.com on twitter

at jordan underscore morris at jesse thorn and at elliot kalin you can find us on facebook you can hashtag your tweets jjgo and we will talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Goff.