Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 63: Web 2.0 Mobisode

Episode Date: June 2, 2008

Jordan signs up for Twitter, tales of shame, and much more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy Web 2.0 Mobisodes,

plus exactly what that lady did to get paid to watch pornography. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Did you like how I said that in kind of like a radio guy voice? I didn't notice anything different. Should I do it again?

You always kind of have a radio guy voice. Should I do it again? Yeah, sure. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. That was good. Thank you. I was on this panel yesterday at the book convention. You know, the big book convention. You have a book convention, right?

I couldn't get into the book convention. That's how big it is. You're not smart enough. Yeah. Yeah, well, what can I say? I love books and literary fiction. Anyway, I was on the book convention panel with a guy who produces a hot talk morning radio show. He was the guy.

A thousand times the guy who produces a hot talk radio show he was the guy a thousand times the guy who produces a hot talk radio show let me go over the aspects of that guy and you can tell me if he had a ponytail uh you're basically correct i mean he did not literally have a ponytail he had the moral equivalent of a ponytail which is to say a completely shaved bald head okay that, sure, that would be, if not ponytail, then purposefully bald head. Yeah. Hawaiian shirt or party shirt? He had on a party shirt, yes, correct. Nice.

We should clarify what a party shirt is. This is a kind of shirt that a dude wears to a party. Right. It's a short-sleeved the in a sport in a sport context you know with an open open uh open collar and a lot of times it's made of polyester or maybe it's made out of rayon or something like that multiple colors sort of looks like a sort of looks like a bowling shirt maybe yeah yeah there's sort of scales of distastefulness some of them might have a picture of wolverine on it yeah i was was going to say there's the Transformers party shirt.

That's the ultimate of awfulness in party shirts. That's the super nerd version. And then it goes to... The more bro version. Then there's Tiki Torches. That's more of a dad version. Tiki Torches is more of a dad version You know, you can push it in different directions

At the end of the day, they're all party shirts Right Because it's the shirt the guy brings out of his closet When it's time to party When it's time to look a little nice Exactly When he's trying to class up the joint a little bit He's going to reach into his closet, pull out the party shirt

He's like, it's a button-up That's what he says to himself. It's a button-up. Right. It's nicer than a T-shirt. He had a Fu Manchu, this guy. Did he? Yeah.

That's the one where it goes on your lip and then it goes down to the sides of your mouth. Down the sides of your mouth, right? Wasn't expecting Fu Manchu. Isn't that Fu Manchu? That is Fu Manchu, but I wasn't expecting a hot tuck. He grabbed the microphone from the stand and talked like this. It was great.

He was talking about what kinds of books his host, Michael, likes to have on the air. Sometimes he'll throw him something that he knows he's going to hate just because the fireworks are really going to go off on air. Wait, so this guy is an on-air personality but still talks like that? Everybody in commercial radio talks like this, no matter whether or not they're on the air. If you call somebody in commercial radio and you get their answering machine, they're talking like this on the answering machine. Come on down to the Hooters in San Jose, they'll tell you.

We're broadcasting live, free t-shirts and bumper stickers to the first 200 KISS fans. Give us the special KISS honk and show us your tits and get a one-of-a-kind swag bag we've got an amazing smack swag swag bag here we've got the limited edition collector's dvd of rob schneider in The Animal. We've got a chance to win tickets to see Linkin Park in Butte. I don't know. They actually just, they have read sort of like, sort of like how Yakov Smirnoff

has a residency in Branson, Missouri. I did not know that. Yeah, well, he does. He has his own theater there, the Yakov Smirnoff Theater. Oh, yeah. The last time I checked up- Might be called the What a Country Theater. The last time I checked, the Yakov Smirnoff Theater. Oh, yeah. The last time I checked up— It might be called the What a Country Theater.

The last time I checked up on Yakov Smirnoff, he was making these kind of inspirational religious paintings. You know what? I'll tell you something exciting about Yakov Smirnoff, Jordan. If we're going to talk Yakov Smirnoff, let's talk Yakov Smirnoff. Okay. Because Yakov Smirnoff— 80s Russian comedian, Yakov Smirnoff, we should say. Yeah, if you don't know who Yakov Smmirnoff okay because yakov shmirnoff 80s 80s russian comedian yeah if you don't know

who yakov shmirnoff is he's the comedian from the 1980s whose shtick was to point out the differences between russia and america and then say america what a country yes um yakov shmirnoff got a degree in psychology he considers himself to be a positive psychologist. He has a doctorate in positive psychology, and he advises people on how to be happy through applying applied positive psychology through his column in, I want to say, Parade Magazine, something like that. Also- Dr. Yakov Shmirnoff of Branson, Missouri. Also inspirational religious paintings oh okay

good i i wouldn't want to think that he was one of those godless communists right wouldn't it be funny if he was selling uh inspirational stalin paintings yeah like stalin ordering murders at the gulag and then underneath he writes what a country yakov shmirnov and then like stalin uh helping a little kid get his baseball stance right for the other one he's the norman rockwell of stalin yes that's what we're what's that what we're suggesting is it just stalin or the whole politburo is it the whole politburo or well they're all less recognizable right so stalin stands in for the politburo what about lenin what about something where lenin is he's got on a red and white striped shirt with sleeve garters and a boater and he's serving lemon sorbet to some kids

yeah what about that one kid has really muddy hands. Yeah. What about Khrushchev and he's got one shoe off and he's banging it on a train, you know, box car because he's a

1930s hobo. Also good. I just thrown out ideas. These are all examples. Listen, you don't have to use these ideas, but I suggest that you do.

Yakov Smirnoff. Yeah, I mean, Yakov... We're speaking directly to Yakov. You know, maybe we don't have our own theater in Branson, Missouri, Jordan, but it's not our responsibility to have our own theater in Yakov Smirnoff, Missouri. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? Well, to be fair, it's only the Yakov Smirnoff Expressway right now. Soon they'll name the whole town. Wait, are we talking about his theater or where he lives under?

Yeah. No, he sleeps in the back of the theater. Oh, okay. I got you. Do you think he's got like a cool bachelor pad with like a Murphy bed that folds down from the wall? Yeah, I hope so. Every time he folds it down from the wall, he goes, What a country! A bed in the wall. Yeah, I hope so. He folds his, every time he folds it down from the wall, he goes,

what a country! A bed in the wall? What a country! A pot that is always hot. It's a hot pot. It's what he uses to boil the water for his cup of noodles.

Noodles in a cup? What a country! Oh, man. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective Are you ever concerned, Jordan?

And you can be honest with me It's just me and you and Coco here She might bring in the Octo at some point But the Octo's not sentient Yeah, still, I'm not keen on being embarrassed In front of it, so Oh, well, you know, it is classy It is really high class

It sticks its pinky out when it drinks tea. Well, it has a lot of powerful friends is more my concern. We've had some requests for pictures of the Octo, by the way. I think you should just Google Octo. Yeah, I'm sure the right picture will come up. Yeah, right? If you Google Octo, right? You'll just get the right picture.

Octo's like it's a rag Octo, you know, it's it's a rag it's made by the Kong company Jordan are you familiar with the Kong company? you know I'm not they make some of the finest chew products available it's a full line of chew products

from the Kong company we're talking Octo I'm talking about Kong I'm talking about extra large Kong small Kong, Kong ball from the Kong Company, Jordan. We're talking Octo. We're talking Squeak Shoe. I'm talking about extra large Kong, small Kong, Kong Ball. Wow. Sounds thorough. No, it's a full line. That's what I'm saying, Jordan.

It's a full line. It's like General Motors. Oh, it's a fine company. An excellent company. I'll tell you this, Jordan. A few months ago, a listener was kind enough to send Coco a small gift. It was a couple of chew toys destroyed. She just destroyed them. These were not Kong brand chew toys. No, that was the problem. They weren't Kong brand chew toys. You give her a Kong brand chew toy, it takes her quite some time to destroy it. She'll destroy it, Jordan. Don't get

me wrong. Sure. But it'll take a while for her to destroy it. What else? Do you have brand loyalty to anything else? Or is it just Kong products? You seem like the kind of guy who has a lot of brand loyalties. Do I have a lot of brand loyalties? That's an interesting question, Jordan. I'm fond of my Mackie mixer and my Shure microphones.

Okay. I'll tell you that right now. We're talking audio equipment. Do I have brand? What are my brand loyalties, Jordan? What are your brand loyalties? Do you prefer Sony over Microsoft or vice versa?

Geez, you know, I mean, I used to... What about this Nintendo? Well, I mean, I used to, back when I was purchasing my own video games, I was a Sony man through and through. Absolutely, all the way to the core. I thought the...

I considered the Xbox the video game system of the frat boy, of the mook, of the, you know, of the party shirt guy. Sure, the party shirt guy, absolutely. Not that there wasn't some lovely games for that original Xbox,

but it seemed like the kind of guys who are xbox enthusiasts were you weren't talking those types i want to be clear you weren't talking about xbox media center no no i'm talking about that's a great way to use the power of electricity to somehow transport movies from the internet to my television without me paying for them and um in regards to Nintendo, this is my old life. This is my pre-fuel TV life. Right. You know, Nintendo, God love it, was just the brand of the fat weirdo.

Right. Anyways, but... Like Jim, the master of would you rather. Sure, absolutely. The fat weirdo or the guy who got one at a garage sale. Yeah. Um, anyways, uh, but kind of, and I've talked about this a little bit. We've talked with Jim Real.

We've done some market research. It appears our target market is primarily softball enthusiasts. Co-educational softball enthusiasts who are masters of Would You Rather. But now, because I work for Fuel, and I'm kind of in charge of the video game content on our show, so all the video game companies, in hopes to get their game featured on the show will send me

all games and systems that i want uh so that really eradicated all my brand loyalty it's nice to be able to you know sit down with a video game console and appreciate the finer points of every single one i can't even think of what brand i have loyalty to i'm uh i'm uh welsh's grape jelly welsh's grape jelly huh is that a good jelly that's great if you're hey if you want grape brand I have loyalty to. I'm Welsh's Grape Jelly. Welsh's Grape Jelly, huh? Is that a good jelly? If you want grape jelly, that's the kind you get. I'm very loyal to Costco and Trader Joe's.

Is that something? Yeah, I guess so. Trader Joe's is a thing. That's something. They've got store brand products. I don't buy a lot of store brand products. I like Trader Joe's as well. I try and choose the store brand product. I don't buy a lot of store brand products, Jordan. No, I like Trader Joe's as well. I try and choose the store brand product. I don't need to pay for your branding.

I had some nice Trader Joe's haircutverts last night. Oh, that sounds nice. What is that? It's a French green bean. A what? A French green bean. Say that one more time. French green bean.

Oh, a haircutvert. Yes. Oh, yeah.icot vert. Yes. Oh, yeah. Sure. Why didn't you just say so? You thought I said vertical horizon. Yeah, I did. I had no idea what you were talking about, Jordan.

Yeah. It was like the teacher on Peanuts. Sure. Vertical horizon, vertical horizon, vertical horizon. Yeah. That's what our audience thinks of us right now. Do you ever feel like the world of technology is passing you by this is what i was thinking about as you were talking about having every video game system you've got every video game system right jordan yeah let me ask you this

i mean every current video game system i don't not i don't have a sega saturn you have a neo geo i god i wish i had a neo you have a 3do i don't know 3do do you have a Neo Geo. You have a 3DO. I don't have a 3DO. Do you have a Drobo? I don't have a Drobo. What's that? That's my Drobo right there. Oh, that's a nice nondescript black box. What's the matter?

Don't have a Drobo? Clearly I don't. It looks like somebody's behind the times. All the cool guys have a Drobo. Yeah. It's a nice place to put your squirrel on top of. Okay, what else does it do? I think, I'm not sure.

I don't understand entirely. How much did you pay for it? Over $400. It would cost $400 for this dropper. And you're still unclear on what's going on. Well, here's what happens. It's got slots, and I put hard drives into it, and then from what I understand,

it protects Old Sound of Young Americas. That's my thing. Okay. I make like 10 gigabytes of shit every week. It's kind of a boutique item then. Yeah. It protects Old Sound of Young Americas. Well, they were kind of, that's why it's so expensive.

They were kind enough to design it for me. Okay. But it's got this, it's got a magnet on the front. It's a robot. It lives on your desk. And protects your radio shows. Yeah, and protects your radio shows yeah and protects your radio shows um radio thieves i hackers okay uh technology hackers sure credit card scammers uh nigerians

yeah uh especially nigerians right not just now i want to be clear not just you know con man nigerians nigerians overall oh right yeah just any even an honest nigerian well yeah even an honest nigerian is a threat to a radio program sure they may not even speak english you know what a lot of people in nigeria speak english really yeah it's like the number one language in Nigeria, I think. Over Nigerian. Well, there is no Nigerian. That's the issue. That's why they speak English. Like, well, what are we going to speak? And they're like, well, I'm going to speak...

And then the other guy's like, I'm going to speak... And then they're like, oh, fuck it. Let's all speak English. Yeah. I think that's how it works in Nigeria. If I'm not mistaken, maybe they speak a little Swahili too. Yeah, that was actually on the bill when they made English the official language of Nigeria. It actually said, fuck it. Yeah.

Parliament declares, fuck it. So we're talking about technology passing us by. You were trying to sell me on Twitter a minute ago. Yeah, well, okay. Here's what, do you know what Twitter is? I'll explain it to you real quick. Sure, sure. It's a broken machine that updates your Facebook message.

Okay. I think. I don't have a Facebook. Oh, well, it's useless to you then. Someone was trying to sell me on Facebook the other day, and I have a MySpace. Do you use your MySpace for anything? I don't use it for too much. The only thing I use MySpace for is emailing somebody whose email address I forgot. Right, yeah, that's a great way to use MySpace, definitely. And I used

to use it to banter a little bit more, but it really got to the point where it stressed me out. Like, I feel like it's, if you're doing a lot of my spacing, I always get that feeling when I'm at a party and I kind of don't know what to do with myself, you know? Yeah, you mean the feeling that I have at every party I've ever been to in my entire life? Sure, yes. Yeah, sure. Like, am I, yeah, I mean, I just had a lot of stress around it. Like, am I commenting enough? What does this person think you know of my

of my commenting who you know well take that and throw in a poke trying to figure out when to poke somebody you got facebook you know and and and everybody's nuts about the facebook these days but i uh because it's less creepy than myspace right pathetic and yeah myspace is absolutely awful if i could describe what is different about it it just looks less pathetic sure there's not a there's not jessica simpson's butt in your face asking you to guess which butt it is yeah exactly um yeah sure there's not uh there's not don't mess with the zohan now here's what you do animation here's what you do with twitter okay you get a little box in front of you for twitter no you don't need it for twitter i that's

what i think i use it for i'm not sure what i use it for i'm not sure why i'm on it jordan all right i'm gonna be honest with you i don't think it does anything okay well i'll tell you what happens so you open it up and then you type in some stuff and then merlin man makes little jokes and sends him to you internet celebrity merlin man sends you little jokes about what's going on in his life or what he just heard on weekend editions. This is like, I mean, I get enough jokes via email from my dad. He forwards them to me.

But do you know that Hillary Clinton is something of a bitch? So I have heard. Maybe a lesbian, she's so bitchy. Communist as well. Oh, thank you. Okay, so here's... But that's serious serious what you do is

you send out it gives you a little box on the twitter you send out a little message on there like you get i don't know 12 characters or something but you can use secret codes of course it's sort of like writing on a pager okay remember writing on a pager you know i never wrote on a never owned a pager i don't ever used one before really yeah i had a pager? No, I never wrote on a pager. I never owned a pager. I never used one before. Really? Yeah. I had a pager because I was a drug dealer. Okay. I wasn't a drug dealer.

No, that's... You say 143424. That means I love you from Jesse. Oh, yeah? That's usually what I write on the Twitter. What if I want to say I love you from Jordan? You have to make up your own secret code. Oh. How do what my code is oh they don't that's what makes it so great oh i still don't understand twitter okay so so there's a box merlin man sends you a joke

and then you make up a code no one else knows okay so on twitter there's hundreds of people this sounds like a game invented by an eight-year-old okay he's trying to explain the rules to you this is how i feel on twitter there's hundreds of people. This sounds like a game invented by an eight-year-old. Okay. And he's trying to explain the rules to you. This is how I feel. On Twitter, there's hundreds of people around the country using it in any given time. Those people are called twats. Okay. You type in a message to them. They receive it.

Then they put an at sign and your joke name, and say a thing about it why do i need this why should i do this why do you do it uh i do it because uh nerds kept bothering me to do it okay i just got a lot of emails about it how come you're not on twitter you're not twittering jordan look you know when it comes to internet celebrity i'm nolin man, but I like to throw the people a bone from time to time. Sure. I mean, yeah, and you... I'll twat around a little bit. You have a cause to be active in all these internet...

I mean, the internet is a big part of your job and... It's where my money comes from. Sure, sure. Absolutely. So you have to... I think Twitter is connected to PayPal. Yeah. Do you think that?

What if I typed in my email address and an amount of money into Twitter? Do you think it would come in on the PayPal? I have no idea. I still don't know what Twitter is. Honestly, we've been talking about it for a long time. What if I typed it into Yahoo? Yeah. Geo cities?

Yeah. Can I ask you a question jordan yes let's say i typed in my email address and the word twitter and then paypal and then five thousand dollars i took all that i copied it and pasted it into fog dog i don't know what fog dog is that lost me fog dog.com okay so i typed it into fog dog or web van go daddy yeah let's say i go daddy to twitter with 12 characters and i included 143 that means i love you oh now i know what twitter is great okay i just don't know you know how okay look you how, did you ever use AOL Instant Messenger? Yes. Okay, you know how on AOL Instant Messenger, when you're away from the computer, you can type in, sorry, I'm gone, you know, I got to go, you know, wash the car or something like that.

Right. Now, you know how people stopped doing that on there? Sometime when we were in high school, they stopped doing that and they started making a little joke sure and then they'd write you know oh i go to go wash the car jack off yeah in parentheses uh that's basically what twitter is it's a system for distributing that okay so you humorous away messages you sign up sign up, you have an account, and then all it really is is a little box where you can type things into. Whenever you think of a thing to type into this little box,

you type it in, and then anybody who decided they want to listen to what you have to say, they click on you and say, I want to listen when you type something into the box. And you can click on anybody that you want to listen when they type into the box. So for me, that's Merlin Mann. And you can click on anybody that you want to listen when they type into the box. Yeah. So for me, that's Merlin Mann. It's called Hot Dogs Ladies.

Okay. And then when they make a little joke, then it comes to you in your Twitter. All right. Then you look at it on your iPhone or whatever. Okay. I don't have an iPhone. I got a Razer phone. I just don't know if I need another internet thing in my life.

Jordan, you need more internet things in your life. Yeah? Because it connects you to the people. Look, there's people out there who didn't even know that you were in a commercial with Fritz Lang. Is his name? Fritz Lang. NBC4's Fritz Coleman. NBC4's Fritz Coleman.

They were watching NBCbc for they thought it was just a guy who looked like you no you see what i'm saying yeah you see what i'm saying jordan no i should use twitter to alert people of that if you had twoted them they would have known yeah all you got to do is send out one twart and everybody and everybody knows exactly what commercial you're in. So you're saying that I can inform people of my commercials with a single cunt. Yeah, exactly. All right.

You just fist it on in. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? Yeah, I guess gang rape. Are you going to sign up on the Twitter? Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Okay, what is your name on the Twitter going to be? It'll probably just be Jordan. I can never create a funny internet name.

I've never been able to. What about Boy Detective? I don't know if I'm nuts about that. I mean, I'm kind of married to it on this thing at this point. Yeah. I feel the same way about America's Radio Sweetheart. Oh, yeah? I thought that was just your thing.

I thought you loved it. It's fine. I just am sick of people talking to me about it. Oh, yeah? I thought that was just your thing. I thought you loved it. It's fine. I just am sick of people talking to me about it. Oh, yeah? You know what I mean? Well, no one talks to me about Boy Detective. Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, I think that's maybe because when you say Boy Detective, it's in the context of me already having said America's Radio Sweetheart. Yeah. So it doesn't seem like something that you should complain to somebody about. Right. I get a lot of complaints about it huh um okay well i'll try it yeah i'll probably just make it as close to my real name as it'll let me do so also i can help me remember things i lose a lot of passwords and stuff i'm always losing passwords that's a perfect idea jordan you're on top of it you know exactly what you should be doing.

What you do is you take the little box, you type in your password, you type in your social security, you type in your routing number, bank account routing number. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? You type in all of this different information, mother's maiden name. Sure. It stores it for you, and it broadcasts it to your friends and family and others yeah i guess they want to put some money in your bank account for you bingo jordan they're

ever feeling uh bingo generous you got it kid you got it well why don't we take a quick break and then we'll sign you up for twitter and then in our next segment we'll tell everybody what your twitter is called okay okay we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Morris? Yes.

There's one website that's really complicated called Twitter. There's another website that I understand perfectly. I want to see that dot com. No, I was thinking of mycokerewards.net. Is that not what we were talking to talk about? No! Jordan, I'm looking at the rundown board. It says mycocorewards.net. That's just to remind you to cash in your points for free songs on amazon.com.

Oh, I gotcha. Just to remind you to buy Love in the Club. Jordan, I love that, Love in the Club. Is that what it's called, Love in the Club? Yeah, it's called Love in the Club, but it's about fucking. Ah, in public. They call it Love in the Club, but as far as I can tell, this song is, he says, I want to make love in this club.

Okay. It's a weird place to make love, right? Well, here's the thing about Usher. Uh-huh. He has his own club bed? Okay. Hold on. Let's backtrack.

Okay. Howard Hughes. Right. People say that Howard Hughes and Clark Gable had gay sex. Right. I don't necessarily think it was because they were gay. I think it was just because that they were the world's richest guys and had just gotten so bored of all the other sex things you could do.

They just were like, fuck it, let's roll. I think they just smoked some opium. Right. And decided to just give it a gay go. Right. I think it was the same thing with usher i don't think he's to that point yet so what you're saying is other famous r&b guys but i think that usher is just to the point where he's bored of all other sex he's got okay so let me let me follow this with you here so what it's about here is it's about this, like R. Kelly got bored of sex. He started peeing on underage girls.

And then he decided that instead of continuing to... Allegedly. Allegedly. Instead of continuing that, allegedly, he would instead invent complicated analogous, invent complicated analogous, complicated analogies about sex, complicated figurative language around sex. So he took it to an abstract plane about, you know, we're having sex in the kitchen, I'm rubbing butter on your titties, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. What you're saying here is that Usher, because his mind doesn't work on the abstract plane, he can't generate a simile, for example,

you're saying he's going the same direction, but in the literal plane, which is, I don't know, why don't I make a love song about fucking right here? Mm-hmm. Right? I want to see that dot com. Right? Iwanttoseethat.com. Yeah.

Iwanttoseethat.com is the great website where you can visit it and tell it what movies you want to go see, and your friends tell it what movies they want to go see, and then it tells you what movies you want to go see with which friends, and then you go to the Korean movie theater down the street by my house, which is great, by the way. Korean movie theater. Thumbs up from me. You want to see Hulk there? I don't know if I want to see hulk come on just see hulk i really don't like edward norton oh yeah yeah he creeps me out clearly you've never seen also norton gives chinese people

water in the movie i don't like them what's that called i don't know there's this movie where he helps these chinese people get water. Anyway. Lawrence of Arabia? Yeah. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It's really good, though. You should see it. He's great in it.

Jordan, come on. Don't fuck around. We both know it's bed knobs and broomsticks. That's true. And it's sequel, Demolition Man. I used to have a Demo. The future's not big enough for the both of them. I used to have a Demolition Man mini poster.

Yeah, did you get it at Taco Bell? Yeah, I totally got it at Taco Bell. That's exactly where I got it. That's the number one place for Demolition Man mini posters. Mini post. Oh, man alive, we're having a great time. So anyway, no, I don't want to go see Incredible Hulk unless it's good. Okay.

Because I don't like that creepy... It's too weird looking. It's creepy. Yeah, right? He looks like a crazy roid man. Yeah. He looks really gross. He's all veiny.

I was telling you about this last week, but I didn't talk about it on the podcast. In LA, there's a bunch of signs that are just kind of big TV screens on poles, like a billboard, like billboard-sized TV screen, and they change ads. Yeah, sure. It's like a Jumbotron ballpark. Yeah, right, right, right. And there was one, it was for some mortgage company or something like that, and the slogan was,

you look like you could use a financial nanny. And then it changed pictures, and it was just a picture of the Hulk. The Hulk is your financial nanny. Jordan, you know where I think I'm going to turn for entertainment instead of turning to the Incredible Hulk that terrifies me? And also he fights a different guy who's even more terrifying than the Incredible Hulk and I have no idea who he is either.

I thought the Incredible Hulk fights, I don't know, She-Hulk or something. No, he, I don't know. Does he fight evil scientists? No, this is a Hulk villain. Oh, yeah? He's called the Abomination. The Abomination, huh? Something like that.

I think he's... No, maybe that's something else. If you ask me, he's an Abomination. This is a standard Hulk villain, though. Blueshat.net, huh? Yeah, blueshat.net. Blueshat.net. It's a website.

Gene O'Neill last week professed to visiting it without prompting he visited it not even because he heard it on the show because he enjoys it he enjoys blueshat.net got webcomics

season premiere of the mustache podcast yes it's not a show all about mustaches Jordan might be

ah fuck it it's all about mustaches right yeah I guess it is blueshat.net mustache show. Blueshat.net. Yeah, mustache show. Right there on blueshat.net. Boom. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

Entertainment. These are two great places for web entertainment. Jazz. Jazz. There you go. Two great places for jazz. Blueshat.net and Iwanttoseethat.com. The sponsors of Jordan, Jesse, Go.

The only place to go for internet hard bop. Jordan, did you know that if people want to sponsor Jordan, Jesse, Go, they can just email me and we'll figure it out? Just email me and give me some money? Yeah, exactly. That's how it works. That's all it takes. Jordan, I give you some of the money.

You do give me some of the money. We split the money. It's absolutely true. We do split I give you some of the money. You do give me some of the money. We split the money. It's absolutely true. We do split the money. We split the money. I don't want people to think that I'm doing this because of some blackmail situation. I don't want people to think that you're here because you want to be here. No, God knows that's not true.

You're down on your luck. You need to supplement that extended cable money so you know where you're going to go when they won't take your blood at the blood bank right podcasting yeah blueshat.net

I want to see that dot com we'll be back in just a second it's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart I'm Jordan Morris boy detective did something go wrong, Jordan?

No, I just thought I would... You got your hand on your face like something's going wrong. I'm a little sleepy. Like you're upset about coming back to the show. Yeah, the break was nice. I got kind of into it. Yeah, it was because you were so excited about Twittering. Yeah, so I got a Twitter while we were gone.

It's Jordan underscore Morris. It is. It's M-O-R-R-I-S. J-O-R-D-A-N underscore Morris. You can also look for NBC4's Fritz Lang. Mm-hmm. And you can find it that way. You just look for the surfer dude who's looking for gnarly waves.

That's me. We got a call this week from a guy who saw jordan's local television commercial told this whole complicated story about how he wasn't sure if it was jordan or not blah blah blah blah blah and then it just ended with anyway you came off like a jackass yes like wow hello sorry martha yeah right Call me when you get your local television commercial. Maybe if you're in a commercial with Johnny Mountain from CBS2 News. Then you have a reason to complain because you've also been in a commercial with a minor weatherman celebrity. See what I'm saying, Jordan?

I would say major weatherman celebrity, Jesse. Sorry. I mean, he's no Al Roker, which is the weather celebrity that all weather celebrities aspire to. What about Wilford Brimley? This man is in a major market on one of the big four networks. He's the weather guy. I'm not here to tell you. He's not in Fargo, North Dakota.

He's in LA. But there's no weather here. It doesn't matter. It's not complication of weather reporting. They don't move to weathery places for the weather challenge. Jordan, why do you think they hire meteorologists to handle this gig? It's because it's about how complicated. Have you ever watched a weather report in another place?

We're talking about weather celebrities. Jordan, they got Dopplers. I'll tell you. Who's a bigger celebrity? Johnny Mountain or Doppler radar? Yeah. I guess Jim Doppler is the bigger celebrity. Boom!

Anyway. You think that's my new catchphrase? I go, boom! Wait, no. That's John Madden's catchphrase. What about this? I ride everywhere on a bus and on Thanksgiving, I eat a turducken on the air. Also John Madden's thing.

What about this? I used to coach the Oakland Raiders. I'm guessing you're talking about John Madden. I'm fat and old. Oh, that's John Goodman's catchphrase. Oh, man. It's always one of the Johns, isn't it? Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? I do. Is it the end of the day? Mm-hmm. It's always one of the John's. Can I have some babies, Jordan? Do you have a baby I could borrow or use? No.

I don't know. I do not think you should have a baby. Really? Yeah. Sasquatch is having a baby. Matt Belknap from Never Not Funny, he's having a baby. Oh, great. Congratulations.

Well, technically, his wife's having a baby. Right. They're having a baby. Oh, great. Congratulations. Well, technically his wife's having a baby. Right. They're having a baby. Although that guy's such a pussy, he could probably have a baby himself. Boom. Fire it right out his ass. Yeah, exactly. It's called pooping a baby.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't think you can really support a baby, Jesse. Do you make enough money? I already have a dog. Yeah. A dog requires less college, though. What about this this what if i just got a dog snugly yeah you think i could go with that i would say that before you acquire this baby you should get the dog snugly what if i got like a

little bonnet for the dog also an option or do dogs like pacifiers i think all of these things would make the dog more baby-like and would hopefully quell this, I feel, misguided baby urge you're having. I don't think it's misguided. I think it's well-guided. Yeah? I'm going to have a baby. Oh, maybe I should say untimely baby urge.

I'm going to buy a... Untimely. I'm going to have a minivan. Right. Teresa's parents were... When Teresa was born, you know how old Teresa's parents were? 22 years old. Yeah.

No, no, I'm not saying everything won't be fine. I'm just saying that there's probably more opportune times. Jordan, you know what my dad was doing when he was my age? He was fighting in the war? No, I think this was after the war. He was probably drunk and high and wandering through the streets of some city in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what my dad was doing in my age. He was probably drunk and high and wandering through the streets of some city in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what my dad was doing in my age.

He was homeless. How does this make your case for a baby? I guess it doesn't. It's just interesting. Yeah, it sure is. It's an interesting fact, you know? Yeah, your dad sounds great. Yeah.

My dad wasn't ready for a baby, but he had a baby at 37 or something. Yeah, there you go. You know what you do? Who turned out better? Yeah. My dad wasn't ready for a baby, but he had a baby at 37 or something. Yeah. There you go. You know what you do? Who turned out better, you or Teresa? Case closed. She's a fucking mess. You, on the other hand.

Yeah, I've got my shit together. Sit around my house in my dressing gown. Yeah. I wear a dressing gown. I guess you could be a stay-at-home dad. I guess you could watch the baby and do your job at the same time. Yeah, like Jonathan Colton. I just want to be more like celebrity nerd Jonathan Colton.

Sure. Because we went to his show the other day and we met him and stuff. I mean, I'd met him before. We'd both met him before, right? We'd both met him before? Yeah. But it was a meet and greet. Yeah, but we got to go backstage and hang out with him.

For a meet and greet. I was just thinking, look at this man. He's funny. He's nice. He has a Yale education. He's got a successful career as an internet celebrity. He's capable of being social. He has a beautiful child.

Jesse, you have like one of those things. I know. A Yale education. Yeah. I, you have like one of those things. I know. A Yale education. Yeah. I'd say have that baby. Well, a Yale quality education from UC Santa Cruz. A Yale-ish education. It's Yale-like.

Yale-esque. Both Yale and our university had classrooms. Mm-hmm. And books. Well, we sometimes didn't have books. And lunch. Yeah. And sometimes didn't have books. And lunch. Yeah, and passing period. The similarities stop there.

Wait, I'm thinking of the similarities between UC Santa Cruz and Springfield Elementary School from The Simpsons. Yeah. Okay, so I can't have a baby? I would say you should wait. No, yeah, have two babies.

How much money do you have to have to have a baby? Then they can take care of each other. How much money do you have to have to have a baby? I would say you should wait. No, yeah, have two babies. How much money do you have to have to have a baby? Then they can take care of each other. How much money do you have to have to have a baby? I don't know. I can make a baby, Jordan. I have what it takes. Sure. I'm not saying you don't have genetic material

you can fire at your wife. I've got somebody to fire it into. Sure. I don't know. The helix is split and rejoin or something. Yeah. I don't know how it works. is split and rejoin or something. Yeah. I don't know how it works. I just don't want you to have a baby out of boredom.

I say take Taekwondo first. I cost 50 bucks a month. Does it really only cost 50 bucks a month to take Taekwondo? I can't imagine it costs much more than that. I think it costs $30 a class. And you'd have to take a class every week. Okay. What are we talking there?

$120? So I should just have a baby if I'm going to spend $150 on Taekwondo. How much can formula cost realistically? We're going to breastfeed the baby. Teresa should breastfeed, I was going to say. Your mother's a lactation counselor. You know a little something about that. Yeah. That's my mom's job. She's a nurse at a hospital and she teaches women how to breastfeed. Apparently it's a lot of the cultures in Orange County. There's a lot of

cultural pockets where breastfeeding is not encouraged. She has to kind of break down those barriers. Yeah, like Bedouins. The Bedouins have been using infant formula for centuries. Sure, gypsies. Yeah, gypsies.

They actually don't feed the babies because they're just going to hurl them at a traveler to pick their pocket. Exactly. And what's interesting is gypsy women don't even have breasts. They cut them off so they can fire their arrows better. Exactly. So, you know, I mean, I can understand there are cultural biases. Sure. But also, on the other hand, there are disabilities, cultural sensibilities, different abilities that you have to respect here.

Right. Just like how I'm the kind of guy who needs a baby to entertain him. Right. You see what I'm saying? Are you just bored of the dog? Is that where this is coming from? Are you just over it? No.

Right. You see what I'm saying? Are you just bored of the dog? Is that where this is coming from? Are you just over it? No, I just, I thought that the dog, we got the dog so that Teresa wouldn't want to have a baby. Right. Now the dog has made you want a baby.

Now law school has made Teresa want a baby because law school has made everyone who's ever participated in it lose their will to live, much less create another life. Sure. If I could offer one piece of important advice, I'm just going to take a time out here to everyone out there in our audience. Do not go to law school. There's no reason to go to law school. Do not, do not, do not go to law school. Don't do it.

It's a bad idea. Doctor school? Yeah, you can go to that because then you're going to learn to become an endocrinologist or a pediatrician yeah exactly you got it or an eyes nose and throat doctor some kind of dentist what if you what if you went to medical school and like finished your residency and you're like okay when are we gonna do the teeth stuff yeah because you wanted to become a dentist the whole time you went to the wrong college you went to the wrong place that's funny i got a massage recently at a massage college oh yeah i recommend it yeah what'd you drop on that 35 it's pretty good as a you know it's pledge drive i'm working all these hours yeah you have to send out all this stuff. I'm glad all the supporters of the show are glad to know

that you're blowing their hard-earned money getting a rubdown. No, I did not. Most of the money did not go to the rubdown. It went to the blow. Oh, the blow job or the cocaine? Well, mostly the cocaine, but to some extent the blow job. It was a cheap blow job. I'm not going to pretend like I got a high-class blowjob.

You see what I'm saying? But if you have not gotten a rubdown while you're high on blow, what they do is you put your face into that massage pillow. It's like a pillow with an empty part in the middle for your nose. Sure. And what they do is they just raise the blow up right there to your nose. And you stick your nose in it. So your nose is in the blow.

They're rubbing you down. They got the oils, scented candles, bird songs. House music is playing. House music is playing. Got Felix the house cat. house music is playing got felix the house cat um and uh they're giving you in the in your as you breathe you're naturally taking in a little bit of what i call nature's stimulants you know nature's hard drug yeah cocaine drugs god's excitement god's excitement. God's excitement. You got it. You got it. Cocaine. Well, how long do you think I should wait to have a baby?

No, really. Like, okay, here's what I looked up on the internet. Because Teresa and I are getting married, and in lieu of wedding gifts, since we have a household, we're asking people to make contributions towards a down payment on a house that we would buy at some point in the future. So I use the power of the internet to learn how much a house costs that we would buy at some point in the future so i use i use the power of the internet to learn how much a house costs and then i learned how much it costs to buy one and so on it costs a trillion dollars like to buy the shittiest house yeah in the shitty

neighborhood that i live in like a buy a one shitty one bedroom condo from the 70s. In this neighborhood in Koreatown? Yeah, in Koreatown, which is a shitty neighborhood in Los Angeles. It's not shitty. I like it a lot, but it's lower middle class. Yeah, it's very dirty. There are a lot of sofas on the sidewalk. Yeah.

A lot of things being fried on the sidewalk. Yeah, which is I consider... Not on the sidewalk. Yeah, which is, I consider... Not on the physical sidewalk, but, you know... A lot of chicken bones that you have to prevent your dog from eating off the ground. Sure. And yeah, it would cost me like $3,000 a month, assuming I had, I don't know, $100,000 to put down as a down payment. Yeah. So in other words, the solution to this is, I think I should just give up and just start pumping out babies. Yeah.

They can work the fields. Sure. Once they get old enough and strong enough. What grows in the fields? As long as they don't get the cholera. What grows in the fields? Well, there's chicken bones out there, so I'm chicken trees okay you see what i'm saying so they don't babies jordan they're not gonna grow in trees they're not growing right now yeah go ahead have a baby look jordan they're not growing right now but the reason is you have to fertilize the soil you have to till it you need babies to operate the till you need donks to

pull the till you see what i'm saying here jordan yeah so i need to have some babies what about this what about an illicit baby illicit babe what if i impregnate uh what if i get a mistress and then impregnate it oh yeah i don't know i don't i don't know if you make if I get a mistress and then impregnate it? Oh, yeah. I don't know. I don't know if you make enough money for a mistress either. This is why we needed the pledge drive. Yeah, all right. But the pledge drive went good. As far as I'm concerned, I've got mistress money now.

You know what I mean? I'm making upwards. I must be making $37,000 a year now. That's pretty good. That's mistress money, my friend. This year. No, has to000 a year now. That's pretty good. That's mistress money, my friend. Maybe this year. No, it has to be a foreign mistress. Sure.

Bangkok, maybe? Yeah. Maybe Manila? Eastern Bloc. Oh, yeah. That's the kind of mistress I'm interested in. If you're going to impregnate a mistress, you want to go to Latvia. Sure.

You see what I'm saying? Some place where there, and what you can do there is if you need to impregnate a woman all you need to bring is five pairs of levi's you see what i'm saying here jordan leave a trail of levi's up to your dong exactly and make sure that the woman that is following the trail has no hands and picks things up with her vagina. Yes. You see what I'm saying here, Jordan? I do. It's all very simple.

It's a simple plan for a simple man. Who just wants to have a baby and an armless mistress. I just want to have... You just want to stroll through your grove of chicken trees. With my Latvian... Fuck your armless Latvian mistress. Yeah, exactly. Is that too much to ask, Jordan?

Yeah. It's way too much to ask. You're crazy. So what should I do instead? Just go back to the dog snuggly? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think just... I mean, I don't want to encourage you to treat the dog more like a baby.

Uh-huh. Because Lord knows you do that too much already. Because I pick her up and hold her upside down in a baby style. Yes. And I say, oh, look at my baby. And I go, look at my baby. And then I pet her little belly. That specifically is what I'm talking about.

She has a soft little belly. Sure, right. Just like a baby does. Okay'm talking she has a soft little belly sure right um just like a baby does okay because she's a baby but as much as i would hate for you to you know dive deeper into this pool that is treating a dog as a baby i'm just saying it's preferable to having a real baby at this point should i just carry around a sack of flour? Yeah, absolutely. Sure. I'm saying almost any crazy behavior is preferable to baby. I'm willing to support a lot of crazy behavior.

I'm not talking about crazy behavior. I'm talking about home economics class. Yeah, okay. Home ec. All right. Jeff, make a bunch of God's eyes. Just get some popsicle sticks and some yarn and make a bunch of God's eyes what if I started exporting what if I started selling dream catchers on Etsy

yeah sure again there's not a lot you can say that you know what at the end of the day there's only one solution to this gotta twitter it out just twitter it out log on to the twitter

start typing in sentences and clicking on update. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? Yeah. At the end of the day, that's what you got to do. Yeah. You know, that's the moral of the story. Okay. Thanks, Aesop.

We should have a contest. What? Whoever has more new Twitter friends from this. Oh, okay. Wait, no. Whoever has more Twitter friends overall. Okay. Oh, yeah, okay.

I don't know, though. You're like an internet guy. I think the odds are stacked in your favor. You're much more beloved than I am. Not on the internet. People don't like me. In general, maybe. No, people don't like me.

Even people that like my show don't like me. It's true. That's how it is. They just like the interstitial music? No, they like my show. Sure. They don't like me personally. Yeah,'s how it is like the interstitial music no they like my show sure they don't like me personally yeah i don't know about this it's like dick vital do you think the people that watch dick vital on tv do you think they they like him i don't know anything about dick vital i know his catchphrase is awesome baby he goes and he had a sega he had a genesis game at

some point right i mean that's a guy who has his own Genesis game and nobody likes him. The only sports guys I know anything about is just because they had a Genesis game. Jordan, all I can say is I'm like Dennis Rodman, bad as I want to be. Yeah. You know, people respect me. They don't like me. Was that his Genesis game? He didn't have a Genesis game.

Bad as I want to be. I think he did have a Genesis game. Was Dennis Rodman actually a good basketball player or was he just outrageous? A little bit of both. At his peak, he was a great basketball player in several ways. He always had a flawed game. He was one of the great rebounders of all time. But that was basically all that he did.

Rebound. He would just rebound. I think early in his career, he also played defense. I don't know. Okay, let's get back to this theory of yours that I'm more popular on the internet. I don't think so. I think it's true.

This is the only internet thing I do. I didn't say more popular on the internet. I want to clarify. I guess I have a YouTube account and a Funny or Die account. Jordan, can I clarify here? What? It's not about popularity. I'm more popular because I'm on the internet all the time.

You're more beloved. Right. People pay attention to my thing, but they don't like me. They think I'm an arrogant asshole. They hate me because I step on your jokes. Okay. You see what I'm saying here? Yeah, you just got to post some videos of you babying around with this dog.

Have you ever read our iTunes reviews? I have not read our iTunes reviews. Let me summarize them for you. Great show. I wish Jesse would talk less and let Jordan be funny. That's our iTunes reviews right there. Well, I mean, to all the people who feel that, I'm basically being as funny as I could

possibly be, so don't worry about that. I'm not holding back anything. Maybe you just expect too much of me. If that's your criticism of the show, you want something that's not there. You probably want the Smod smodcast yeah you're looking for the smodcast turn over to the smodcast switch to the smodcast um so how do we structure this contest sure um we got these twitters next time we do a show yours is jordan underscore morris yeah mine is young american do you i god i still don't even know how it works you do you collect

friends well friends collect you okay you don't have to do anything i get that's what's so good about it okay but oh that's nice i like this contest i don't have to do it's just whoever yeah but here's the thing though jordan what the only problem is that i already have 700 or something really yeah shit it was are we handicapping this? I think we should handicap it in some way. But what I'm concerned about... How many do I have to get to say that I won? But Jordan, here's what I'm concerned about.

Obviously, people like you more than they like me. I don't want them to drop me and add you. Oh, right, just to help me win? Just to help you win. Yeah, well, I mean, do you want to have this contest or not? You're kind of backpedaling. The contest was was your idea now you're talking yourself out of it now what is a contest exactly i don't know what's yeah what's the prize i get to have a baby i yeah yeah okay fine i what about this i'll just shut my fat mouth about this baby mistake here's the prize jordan what prize is i replaced theresa's birth control pills

with sugar pills yeah and then everybody wins the surprise is treachery you won man what about this act what about this we just we just announced how many new twitter friends you've got it and and i've got next week on the show. Okay, well, I mean... And then whoever... Whoever gets more new friends? Whoever gets more new... I still, I don't know.

Whoever gets more new friends is... Do you think you're going to lose that? I think you'd win that in a walk. Well, I mean, all the people who are on it, like the 700 people who are your friend can say, well, then I'll get 700 friends, and then you'll, you know. Right. That's what I'm saying.

So, yeah, I don't think there's a fair way to do this. I think it's just whoever sends us the most naked pictures of it. Okay, cool. Go for it. Whoever sends us the most... It has to be a naked picture of you. You have to have rights to it. Right.

No, I just don't want to... Yeah, no, not just any naked internet image okay so here's the contest whoever sends us the most the most naked pictures of themselves is a winner right it's a sugar pill he wins the sugar pill the sugar pill check this out what i impregnate whoever sends us a naked picture of themselves men included well if they've got a womb i'll impregnate it i mean i'll give it a shot jordan yeah i can't promise anything i'm not a science man listen it's just okay whoever i'm not a doctor inventor yeah whoever wins jar of sperm done i think that's the simplest way to go about this okay jar of sperm when we come back on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know how I got this Drobo here? Just some of that candy people mailed us? No, the Drobo. Oh, the Drobo. I thought you were talking about the weird foreign candy that we got a couple weeks ago. Jordan, I'm not talking about the Jelly Howlin'. Oh, you're talking about the Drobo. I thought you were talking about the weird foreign candy that we got a couple weeks ago. Jordan, I'm not talking about the Jelly Howlin'. Oh, you're talking about the Drobo.

This is classic, classic, classic Cloetta Jelly Howlin'. Okay. I'm talking about the Drobo here. Excuse me. I'm not the only robot here. My dog's a robot now. Oh, yeah? Yeah, we put a robot chip under its skin.

Wow. Now it can fly, I think. So you don't really know why you put the chip in. Oh, I haven't observed it. I haven't observed it directly. You were assuming she's flying. Jordan, the SPCA,

Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. If you have a chip that can make an animal fly, I'd argue it's cruel not to give the animal the chip. It's true. You see what I'm saying?

Why deny them the power of flight? Exactly. It's basically all they think about. Unless you're an asshole. You know what? Can I say i say one thing what you know the movie pan's labyrinth i do i watched that movie and that go didn't like it not at all seems too scary for you it wasn't too scary it was just too boring oh huh you were bored by it i'm sick and tired of people making a

movie with a foreign child in it and expecting me to love it just because it's a child speaking in a foreign language. I don't know. I really liked it. I was terrified by it. I thought that dude was scary. The general dude. It was a little long. It was overlong. I didn't like the parts.

I don't want to watch a bunch of tortures. I don't care to watch that. Jordan, it's just, I don't care. No, I'm not interested in it. To each his own. You know what I'll take before I want to watch that? Hellboy. Oh, yeah, you should watch Hellboy.

I did watch Hellboy. Hellboy's exciting. I liked Hellboy. Yeah. I'm looking forward to Hellboy 2. Man, me too. That is like the best trailer. That is like such a good trailer.

I showed Teresa this hellboy 2 i thought she's gonna want to watch hellboy 2 with me she doesn't want to watch it well i'm seeing it so well you and me we'll go let's type hellboy 2 into i want to see that i'm yeah definitely jordan we got some shit to take care of right now okay hi jordan and jesse i am uh driving on the washington beltway right now and there is a pickup truck in front of me dragging a horse trailer, and written on the back of the horse trailer in crudely lettered, I might say, in white paint, it says, Caution, Party Ponies. I am right now seriously considering abandoning my original destination and following the ponies,

because wherever they're going is far better than wherever I'm going, just because there will be ponies there. Party ponies. You know what I think is the important part? The part that he didn't pick up on there. Warning. Party ponies. Yeah.

You know why? Because party ponies are unpredictable? Yeah, they'll sweep you up into their dangerous behaviors. Right. They think they're immortal. They think nothing can kill them. Absolutely. All of a sudden, you're doing a lot.

They've got a trust fund. You're doing a lot more recreational drugs. They can afford as much recreational drug use as they want. Right. Because they're trust fund. Absolutely. You're swept up into this world. They've got a sweet job at dad's office.

Exactly. And they're doing amyl nitrate poppers. Mm-hmm. You know, they're going to... They're doing cocaine blasters. They're doing X at work. Mm-hmm. Anally.

Rectal X. Yeah. Rectal ecstasy. Gets into the system faster. Yeah, they like it better. I don't know why. Stimulates the prostate. That's probably why yeah

ecstatically next thing you know you're you're in a puddle of your own puke at bumbershoot and uh and everybody's and everybody's dancing friends are gone yeah they're doing some kind of puke dance what's going on at bumbershoot if i'm not mistaken yeah oh do you think of bonnaroo oh okay bonnaroo yeah what about dumbledore what's that uh i think that's harry potter that's harry potter's real name what about delino de shields i don't know what that is i think you might have used to play second base for the expos yeah john vanderwall oh no that's a neil diamond song john vanderwall yes hi jordan and jesse um none of my friends are home so i just wanted to tell somebody that i just replaced the taillight in my car all by myself no one told me how to do it i just figured it out on my own

and i am so proud of myself and i pretty much feel like I can do anything. So, yay for me, and I love your show. You guys are great. Have a good day. Bye. As my good friend Blaine Cardoza, the author of Houston, We Have a Problatunity, and vice president of my own life, likes to say, you can do it. It is in you.

You just have to take a little PCP to get a little PCP. Right. What are you talking about? Blaine Cardoza. Yeah. Nothing? Sketch comedy character. Yeah, it's a sketch comedy character.

I like to think of him as a real person, though. Okay. From Gaspar Hauser. Yeah, I'm familiar with that. These people love Blaine Cardoza. They know who Blaine Cardoza is. I don't know if they do. A lot more people listen to that than listen to our fucking show.

I'll tell you that right now. Yeah. No, you're right. Blaine Cardoza is? I don't know if they do. A lot more people listen to that than listen to our fucking show. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah. No, you're right. Blaine Cardoza? No, nothing? No, I mean, I understand what it is. I don't understand

why you're talking about it. I'm talking about bent the bars, got out, made a star map, So, okay, the girl replaced her headlight.

It was her taillight. Taillight. Jordan, you're not even paying attention. Next call. Pay attention to this one. Jordan, Jesse, moment of occasion.

School's out, and all my friends are going downtown to eat lunch, and then there's going to be a party. And I get to mow the lawn first, so I'm trudging. We were late to my house. Thanks, guys. Bye. School's out for summer. Don't sing any

If you sing two more bars of that we have to pay for it Scooos out forever There goes our whole budget Could say goodbye to all that work you did at the pledge drive Hope you enjoyed that Hope you got a lot out of that, Jesse You are fucked, my friend Alice Cooper and his fat cat lawyers

Are going to come busting down your door That is intellectual property. Jordan, have you ever wondered how I could afford the leather love seat that you're sitting on when I'm a public radio personality? I had a lot of assumptions, but I just chose not to. I wrote Schools Out for Summer. Really? Yeah.

That's copyright you? I originally wrote it for Paul Anka, but it turned out to be the Alice Cooper cover that was the more successful, and I'm out to be the Alice Cooper cover that was the more successful, and I'm happy to cash the checks. I don't care for a man in makeup, Jordan, but I'm happy to cash the checks. You see what I'm saying? You've eaten at his restaurant.

You don't care for his quesadillas. No. Too cheesy. Sure. Hi, Jordan Vestigo. Momentous occasion. I finally donated to your cause, so keep the great stuff coming and uh fuck that broke guys who don't donate like me all right bye fuck that fuck them he improperly

conjugated his fuck word i don't think so you don't think so no i i yeah fuck that broke guys yeah yeah fuck you broke guys yeah fuck you Here's what the sentence should have been. Fuck you, broke guys like me who don't donate. Yeah, but he did donate, so they're not like him. Yeah, I know. He was making a... Should we diagram this? No, I think we're fine. I just think the joke was that he was broke but donated anyways. I think he just wanted us to know that. Jordan, in all sincerity, the reason I played this call

is because I just want to thank everybody who donated. A lot of people donated, far more than I expected. Good job, guys. I really appreciate it. It's how I eat. I'm really excited. I bought that Drobo. I really needed a Drobo.

You're buying the back rub. You're buying the Drobo. I got a back rub and a Drobo. But you don't really know what it does. Pretty soon I'm going to buy some Levi's and a plane ticket to Latvia. So things are really looking good for me, and it's all due to you. Just the bare necessities, you know? You know, Jordan, last week, I don't know if you remember this,

but you were complaining about how people never follow up on their calls. Yeah, we had a little string of people calling and they would give the you know nugget they would give a little nugget of an interesting story or the suggesting of an interesting story but then not tell us enough details for it to be interesting um yeah exactly well good news the porn lady called back okay last week she called in to tell us that she was getting paid to watch porn. But didn't tell us the circumstances or anything. Well, now she's back and she's better than ever.

Ha ha. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, on the go. This is Porn Girl. Man, I never thought I'd be using that nickname again. I'm calling to elaborate on my previous call because Jordan was crying. I had a friend who worked for a small porn company, and they decided to do like a video thing for the interweb where it's a bunch of women sitting around talking frankly about porn and sex and stuff like that.

So we watch their products and we comment on it, sort of like The View, but with anal. So I think that I described it well. Now I'm going to lay on my bare skin rug in my panty and stare at my Sound of Young America poster. All right, boys, bye. You know what I'm thinking? What are you thinking? I'm thinking that if all she can afford is one panty, maybe she should get a new gig other than just watching porn.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean, thank you for that. That sounds like an interesting project. Yeah. You know, hopefully we'll be made aware of it when it becomes available on the Internet. Yeah, hopefully we'll get a aware of it when it becomes available on the internet. Yeah, hopefully we'll get a link on the message board. Sure.

But also, fuck you for saying The View with anal, because all that did was make me picture The View, but with anal. And I don't know what you look like, so I was just forced to imagine Whoopi Goldberg taking it up the Whoopi Goldberg. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Rebecca from Boston again. After I've been chastised two podcasts in a row, I thought I'd call back and let you know about my horrible Craigslist experience. So it all started with me wanting to learn the mysteries and ways of the penis. So I was tooling around, casual encounters after having a few brews, and found an ad

that looked interesting, replied back and forth, got some photos, and set up a time to meet. So the gentleman came out to my place, met him at the train stop. He did not look anything like his photo. This should have been the first time. As we're walking back to my place, he commented several times on how I live in the ghetto and how it's awful, and he can't how I live in the ghetto and how it's awful.

And he can't believe I live here. We stopped to take out pizza on the way back. And now I'm a woman of the 2000s and I'm not opposed to splitting or paying for the bill, but he didn't even offer to pay. He just stood there and waited for me to pay. We get back to my house, start to eat some food, and his proposal to get the evening started is to play strip uno. Yes, strip uno. So, as I'm new to this whole thing, we played some strip uno, got down to business, and discovered the smallest penis I've seen.

Now, just because I've only been with women doesn't mean I haven't seen a penis or two. Very small. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thought maybe this is a good thing because, you know, this is my test run. We're fooling around, and he thinks that poking the clitoris like a doorbell is the way to excite for all men out

there that's wrong um then he asked me i'm about 15 minutes into making out if i will swallow to which i respond no um and then he asked several other times, trying to convince me that this is what all people do when they're getting busy. Then, once he's done poking my clitoris like a doorbell and decides he's done, he has an orgasm, passes out, doesn't finish the job. And then about 15 minutes later, I like oh so that was good right better than any woman you've been with um so that's my awful story about craig's hookup so jordan although i feel like perhaps your comments of fuck you were a little aggressive i'll take you up on it so that i can finally experience, well, I don't know, given the dreams that people

have had about you, experience a better initiation into the world of the penis. Bye. Are we applauding because she offered to sleep with me? The whole shebang, basically. Soup to nuts, as they say. See, now don't you feel better knowing that you share it?

That was way funnier than I hoped it would have been. That was awesome. Jordan, I feel a lot better personally knowing that you're not supposed to poke the clitoris like a doorbell, which is what I had always assumed. That was great. Such a good detail. It a doorbell, which is what I had always assumed. That was great. Such a good detail. It's doorbell-like.

I like, yeah, I like just, you're doing little pokes right now. Hey, hey. Ding dong. Ding dong. So, yeah. Ding dong. Hey, that's fantastic. Is orgasm there?

Let's start, let's just unpack what's funny about this suitcase. Okay. unpack what's funny about this suitcase. I love those comments from people when you live in a less than opulent neighborhood. I like that he got off and immediately started commenting about the badness of the neighborhood. It reminds me of it's such a shitty quality. I don't know if you've ever spent any time around USC or with USC students, Jesse.

Okay, USC is like kind of near downtown LA. And the time I've spent, you know, down there or with people from USC, all they can talk about is, or at least the people I was hanging out with, all they can talk about is how it's in the ghetto and how, look out, watch your wallet. It's not that bad. I was, the first time i went to usc i heard about that's from so many people like oh that's the only that's the only part about usc it's real rough it's in a real rough neighborhood you're like what because there's black people here is that what you mean some of them around there were some black people yes and if you're threatened the only place to run into is the various denny's yeah exactly the student union is the only place

you can go yeah geez that so yeah i really though that's such an awful you can only go to the to the frat house or the sorority house for protection the american eagles close early yeah exactly so that's thing number one um yeah yeah the it's funny that well i think there's a premise here that's interesting which is that she has decided this is for people who don't remember last week she'd spend her life as a lersbian which is a woman who rubs a vagina against another vagina uh for sexual gratification now she wanted to try out peenies which is fine in latin pay nas exactly now one thing about this is that like basically as far as i know and i mean granted i haven't been on the market for a long time

sure but if it still works the way i remember it working in the 50s uh if you're a lady and you know a dude you can just think of all the dudes you know and just pick whichever one you want to sleep with and then sleep with him. If you want to try that out, right? Yeah. Pretty much, right? Sure.

Even if you're not particularly attractive, I think it would still work. Are you saying that... Instead of a weird unknown penis from Craigslist. I'm sure that's part of the excitement for some people. Really? Yeah. For your first time, be a weird penis from Craigslist. I'm sure that's part of the excitement for some people. Really? Yeah. For your first time, be a weird guy from Craigslist.

Yes. You poked the clitoris like a doorbell. I was excited when I went to pick up that dresser I found off Craigslist. That was excitement enough for me. I didn't even need to... Nudity didn't even need to be involved. But Jordan, the dresser gave you a terrible blow job i did yeah well i did just slam my dick in the dresser but it was terrible

splintery granted part of it was my fault for slamming the door so hard paint chips paint chips sure dresser lead-based plant paint now your penis is retarded. Yeah. Okay, so. Okay. Okay. Okay, and then pizza. Yeah. I don't know, can't we, I mean.

Right? I mean, I don't know how old you are. How about a chocolate-covered strawberry? I don't know how old, right, I mean, maybe sit down, have a few glasses of wine, that would make me, that's, I mean, I mean, I guess if you're going for Craigslist, part of it is just rant. I mean, you know, maybe there aren't any, you know, there's not a place to have a glass of wine in your neighborhood.

There's only a pizzeria. Sure. But yeah, geez, that seems to me to be, you know, yeah, but I mean, maybe that was the thing. Maybe it's, you know, it's Craigslist. It's dirty. It's quick, you know, and then let's get a pizza. And that's like even, you know, part of it.

Right. We're listening to a Metallica mixtape. But yes, the not offering to pay, just standing back while you pay, that is fucking outrageous. That's unbelievable. That's totally unbelievable. Yes. The guy just doesn't want to spray his money around in the poor neighborhood right exactly you know yeah he doesn't want to

give his give his pen number so we talked about poking the clitoris like a doorbell sure pizza pizza it's a tiny penis man tiny penis man not that there's anything wrong with that oh yeah there's a ton wrong with that fuck you asshole how dare you yeah man am i right pills are readily available check your spam box my friend and take care of the problem exactly you owe it you owe it yeah it is owed to you yeah um to be fair though she was disappointed that her mouth wasn't more fully filled by the penis oh god yes the constant asking to swallow that i mean just rolling it out there yeah i don't know maybe the guy just has a lot of casual encounter like maybe he's a casual encounters guy and like maybe he just

that's his thing you know maybe he just has a lot of semen in his penis and he's concerned it's going to make a mess yeah right now yeah you know just to be fair to him yeah maybe i feel like his behavior they were doing it on an expensive persian rug he's like my concern isn't for my own sexual excitement but for your expensive persian rug yeah exactly he's like we got pizza for you because you were into having pizza. And then I don't want to mess up the rug. That's my thing. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Is that how sex works? I've never done it.

Is that how sex works? I've never... A rug is usually ruined in the process. I mean, there's more to it than that. But usually you're just going to have a couple of cheap rugs around. Then on your wedding night, you do it on your father's carpet. Now, Jordan. What? Just clarify something for me real quick. Sex is the one with the chocolate chips. It's round and flat.

You're thinking of cookie or cake. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think it's cookie. Cookie? Yeah. Huh. Cookie. cake oh yeah yeah i think it's kooky kooky yeah huh kooky well the good news is i'm still a virgin yeah the good news is you can still go to heaven if you want to the bad news is that i have tried anal yeah wait oh i meant for it to be me putting a cookie in my butt.

Anyways, thank you, callers, for clarifying. We all, I'm sure everyone had a nice time listening to that. Very much appreciated. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Tales of shame. Tales of shame. Tales of shame. Tales of shame. It's another big hit. It's another big hit I wrote for Paul Anka. Let's harmonize on shame. Should I start back at the beginning?

Yeah, we'll just do the final shame. No, I'm trying to sing. Okay. I used to do acapella in college. Tales of shame. Tales of shame. Tales of shame. Tales of shame.

Shame. Shame. Good. You had that hard consonant at the end. Well, I know. You did acapella, though. I did acapella in college. You should hear my mouth drums. Boom, tch. Boom, boom, tch.

Boom, tch. Boom, boom, tch. Boys to men song. Boom, boom, tch. Singing a boys to men song. Everyone, boys to men. I love boys to men. I bought a Bob CD.

Yeah. Okay. The Capitol Steps. Is that an acapella group or is that... They have accompaniment, the Capitol Steps. Yeah, I think they've got... I think Mark Russell accompanies them on piano. On piano and red, white, and blue bow tie.

Okay, let's do this. Hey, Daryl and Ezra. I'm calling with a momentous occasion that could also probably double as a moment of shame. So I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I guess things were going well because she kind of like shouted out my name and I was probably going, what? And completely stopping altogether.

And like, you know, wondering what she was talking about. Then, of course, she started laughing at me uproariously and that sufficiently killed the mood so that we just stopped completely and did something else something else like they cleaned the apartment that guy's never getting a boner again man that's that's an awesome one good job man that is a i like that this what was aggressive it's like what what i'm trying to i'm trying to fuck it's like what what i'm trying to try to fuck right now you specifically yeah i'm trying to i'm trying to pound it mm-hmm hey jordan jesse go this is a shepherd from miami with a embarrassing story for you um i live in miami and i'm really

pale and i went to the beach once and got a really bad sunburn i got like a second degree burn on my back and they had huge blisters that were like an inch in once and got a really bad sunburn. I got like a second-degree burn on my back. And I had huge blisters that were like an inch in diameter, and they were really gross and really painful. And my dad didn't think that that was a sufficient reason to stay home from school, so I had to go to kindergarten without a shirt on with a wet towel on my back. And that really sucked. I can imagine it did, Jordan. We also got a call from somebody who, I think it was also in second grade, didn't have any friends.

So the teacher called them up before the class and asked people in the class to volunteer to be his friend. I think that's standard operating procedure for second grade, though. I feel like I saw a lot of that. Really? Yeah. Asking people to be somebody's friend? Okay, well here's the new kid if anyone wants to be his friend on the playground. Okay. I don't think he was the new kid in the story though.

I think he was established. He had a track record as friendless. That's sadder. Okay, here we go. Hey Norman, hey Wesley. I'm calling to tell you about a really embarrassing thing I did when I was about 10. You know when your church has fellowship after church when they have coffee and tea and stuff? And I thought at 10 that maybe I could get a coffee even though it was too small. And I went up and asked for a coffee, and the woman asked me how I like my coffee,

and I guess I had heard other people say this. And so she said, how do you like your coffee? And I said, like I like my women, hot, strong, and black. So that was probably my most embarrassing moment, that and every time my family has brought it up after that. Like every time they drink coffee. That's a good one. Well told, too.

Who wants some after-dinner coffee? The story had a good flow to it. Perhaps you'd like yours hot, strong, and black, and then everybody just laughs at her for the rest of her life? Yeah. Oh, man, that's cold. Now, we had somebody call in who said he, okay, so his hero was public radio celebrity Ira Glass, and he had scammed his way into a cruise ship meeting with Ira Glass.

Right. Okay. It was a complicated scam. It was a fundraiser. He had to pay $2,000 to be there. But he, with the help of a few allies, was able to scam his way onto the boat. He got food poisoning right before the thing was about to happen. He'd been waiting for it for months. but he decided to get on the boat anyway. He's in this

kind of like crowd of people, you know, everybody's shake, you know, there's like a line of people shaking Ira Glass's hand, saying hello, et cetera, et cetera. Um, there's this sort of miasma after that happens. And, uh, uh, everybody's kind of hovering around Ira Glass. He's being a raconteur. Ira Glass says to the guy, so, what do you do? And he vomits. Nice. Just right then.

Oh, man, that's a beaut. If anybody wants to vomit on me like that, it's cool. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's fine. Let's just do it. Let's go for it. Yeah, get barf on you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, that, it's cool. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's fine. Let's just do it. Let's go for it. Yeah, get barf on you.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Of course, the drobo speaks for itself. It only says drobo, though.

Yeah, exactly. Jordan, I just want to to say before we go this week uh things are getting very hot and heavy on the forum i know you like to visit the forum don't you i yeah i visit the forum you'll post on the forum sure regularly i would say you post on the forum regularly under the name jordan yeah so if you see a post from jordan it's me uh that's probably uh that's probably, what's your name again? Jordan. Jordan.

Jord? Yeah. Jord. Yeah. Gordie Howe? Yes. You remember our showdown is going on right now. It's March of Time Madness.

This is what's happening is we're figuring out what the best ever historical epic is. Things are moving along very very nicely we're into the what's it called semi-finals demi-finals no so what's what's one below semi-finals do you know what's one below semi-finals we got semi-finals on one side pre-finals the pre-finals okay so in the the winner of the americas was jazz age the jazz age is on top the winner of asia was uh the rise of soviet russia okay uh in the africa wing we have um mesopotamia the ursk era that says ursk ursuk ursuk right and then the height of egypt they're battling it out for the championship of africa and australia and then over in europe

we have republican rome right now on the board taking on the enlightenment now the enlightenment has been destroying its way through this thing, but I think Republican Rome's got a great chance. Hey, I can't imagine a greater historical... I mean, sure, Enlightenment, yeah, great science, blah, blah, blah. The point of the story is... Rome, vomitorium. Exactly. Things are hot and heavy.

You know what I'm saying? Things are hot and heavy. Yes. And I'm not just talking about Plato and a little boy. No. Was Plato Roman or was he Greek? Might have been Greek. I heard a funny story about Caligula. Yeah.

That Caligula would swim naked on the top of a pool and have, or no, okay, he would have a young boy swim naked on the top of a pool and Caligula would pretend to be a fish at the bottom, trying to eat his penis like a worm. Anyway. No, that's great. Sure. That's important. There's really not a lot else to that.

That's a kind of shit. I think that's a point for Rome. Okay. So anyway, the point of this story is, all this is going on right now. Our friend King Grebo on the forums, he's managing this operation, doing a great job. And anyone who's registered for the forum can vote.

So keep your eyes on the showdown forum there. Also, Tales of Shame is continuing into the future. There's no reason to stop this train. As far as I'm concerned, it's just leaving the station now. You're uncovering these Tales of Shame. You're recovering them from there. Right now, they're buried in your muscles.

And every time you get a massage, they break free, move into your bloodstream with various toxins. And then they come out into your aura. Now, you have to take a photograph of your aura, have an interpreter interpret it, and then call in your number one moment of shame. Watch out for Thetans. Yes. It's for your health. 206-9844-FUN. Judge Sean Hodgman wants to have another go, too, by the way. Yes, if you have more disputes.

And guess what? We're going to be having the Monsters of Podcasting in San Francisco on June 28th. Have we talked about that on the show? I don't think so. I don't think we have either. We mentioned it. Yeah, we mentioned it last week. With our buddies, You Look Nice Today,

we're having the Monsters of Podcasting tour in San Francisco at the Dark Room on June 28th. Advanced tickets are sold out, but we will have some standing room tickets and some last-minute tickets to fill in the crowd. We're just going to fill that joint up. Yeah. Seriously, wall to wall.

And even if you can't get in the actual room, we're going to be playing it outside in the lobby on the Jumbotron. Exactly. There's going to be five Jumbotrons. We're also going to have a simultaneous translation for the blind in a small window on the Jumbotron. Oh, and we're dressed like angels, too. And we're going to be dressed like angels. And Coco will be there.

She can fly now. Because of her chip. Yeah, because of the chip. Her fly chip. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan and Jesse Goff. Bye!