Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 630: Fondant Aunt with Danielle Koenig

Episode Date: March 31, 2020

Danielle Koenig (Star vs. the Forces of Evil) joins Jordan and Jesse in an episode recorded before the pandemic hit for a discussion of the pet portrait Jesse got from a 9-year-old girl at the flea market, the cozy mystery book with the curious cover that Jordan saw at the library, and the soothing quality of a Law and Order episode. 

Hey everybody, just wanted to let you know that this episode you're about to hear was recorded in early March, so if you're wondering why we're all in the same room and nobody's mentioning the news of the day, that's why. Enjoy. Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh go i'm jesse thorn patron of the arts jordan morris boy detective jordan i'm not bragging it's just my lifestyle to be a patron of the arts you love to patronize the arts you know that better than anyone yeah i was at the flea market today and uh I mean, look, everyone knows I'm deeply committed to artsiness and artistic lifestyle. Right, yes.

You put taps on all your shoes, right? Exactly. But, you know, besides that, I'm also a business magnate. Right. And I feel that as a captain of industry. You wear a lot of hats. Yeah, I wear a lot of hats. That's another lot of hats. Yeah. I wear a lot of hats. That's another quality of me.

Sure. Oh, you mean metaphorically. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Hat enthusiast is one of the hats you wear. Yeah. Another one is guy from Caps for Sale.

He actually wears a lot of hats all at once. I'm only two things. A hype beast and a lifelong gamer. Okay. Thank God. Yeah. That's all though. I thought you were a fake gamer, babe.

No, no, no. Okay. I'm a real gamer, babe. So I was at the flea market today and there was a girl there who I would guesstimate was eight years old and she had a sign that said, Pet Portraits, $1. I'm not ashamed to say that I gave her $5. Whoa.

I asked for two pet portraits. I came back later and she had only made one of them. I have two pets. She made the right one, Coco, the dog that I prefer. Sorry, Sissy, if you're listening. Sissy only listens to Comptown.

She likes Chapo. She does like Chapo. Sissy, go on Chapo. Sissy, go on Chapo. The official dog of the dirtbag left. She's a leftist. What can I say? That's what they call themselves.

I'm not being mean. Don't drag me. I went to- I don't know enough about it. Yeah. I've only- Don't drag me. Just don't drag me. Don't drag me, I went to. I don't know enough about it. Yeah. I've only. Don't drag me. Just don't drag me.

Don't drag me, okay? I just don't want to get dragged. It's all. Don't drag me. Jesse, don't drag me. I'm not going to drag you. Brian, don't dox me. Brian was going to dox me.

Don't dox me, Brian. And listeners, don't tase me. Jesse, if you don't drag me and Brian, you don't dox me, and if the listeners don't tase me, I'm fine. Okay. I've heard about Choppo, but I don't drag me and Brian, you don't dox me and if the listeners don't tase me, I'm fine. Okay. I've heard about choppo, but I don't listen to it. So this young girl. Don't dox me.

Eight or nine years old. And she's got a set of colored pencils. She's working on the drawing. She's working really hard. Yeah. And she's singing. Colored pencil, huh? Yeah.

And she's singing a song out loud to herself. Is this child accompanied? Yeah. And she's singing a song out loud to herself. Is this child accompanied? Yeah. Is there a parent in eyeshot? Or guardian? I think she was an urchin. Is that the correct term?

It's an artful dodger type. Do you have your billfold? Yeah. Look, check your pocket. You might have. There was a man there with her that I presumed to be her father. Yeah. And he was selling things, but he gave me – he saw that I had a long strapped bag and he had some like canvas totes and one had a long strap. And he said, I see you like long strapped bags.

I printed this one up and I've just been blessing people with it. Here, take one. Wow. Yeah, it was really nice of him. Got a free bag, huh? Yeah. And so anyway – How long was the strap compared to the other strap?

Well, there was one strap and it was notably long. But compared to your strap, was it longer or shorter? It was similarly long. My flea market bag, a little bit like an Ikea bag. I'm just trying to paint a mental picture of the straps and to kill some time. Got it. Well, thank God. We got 80 minutes to fill here.

So I gave the young woman, I put some money in the young woman's jar. I sent her two pictures, one of each of my dogs. And then I went off, talked to my friend Todd. Sure. You know what that's like. I don't. Went around the corner, talked to – you don't know Todd? I don't.

I never met Todd. Oh, wow. Have you ever been to an early bird estate sale? I guess not. I don't think I know. I have no Todds in my life, period. Wow. I would have assumed you would have at least been friends with filmmaker

Todd Haynes. I don't know why that's the first time. Me and Todd Solon's dated for a bit. A little bit of a weirdo. So I walked away for 20 minutes or so, came back to collect my art that I had

patronized, that I had sponsored. And she gave me the picture of Coco. And I said, oh, wow, that's really great. And it was a great picture. Yeah. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it wasn't a great picture. It was a great picture. Frankly, it was worth the $5 by itself.

But the stated price was $1. Right. So I had sort of gone above and beyond beyond even when I had asked for two pictures. And I would have taken one picture of both dogs together. So you kicked over her table and you hit her dad with the bag he gave you. No, I shoved it into his mouth. Oh, sure. Like a ball gag style.

Dirty lying mouth, yeah. So I said to this girl, again, maybe she was nine. She wasn't more than 10 or 11. I said to this girl again maybe maybe she was nine she wasn't more than 10 or 11 i said to this girl i said wow that's really great um uh do you think you could uh do you think you could make one of the other dog that i sent and she looked at that one and she said no that's enough that's good for now that That's what I'm going to do. Wow. Well, you know, as a patron of the arts, you should know that there's an artist's temperament. Yeah. It's the artist's way. Sure.

She's probably working on her morning pages. Uh-huh. That's another thing I've heard of but don't know a lot about. Yeah. Don't drag me, fans of the artist's way. Artistic self-help book, The Artist's Way. Maria Bamford told me about one time. I know.

I should read it. Hey, word for the Bammer. Sure. I am reading Jeff Vandermeer's Wonder Book, though. Oh, really? So don't drag me. Jeff Vandermeer, the former NBA basketball coach, now color commentator? I don't think so, but maybe.

Did he write the book on which the film Annihilation was based? Yeah, I think that's right. Okay. Same guy then. I think he did. Same guy. Yeah. I might be thinking of Jeff Van Gundy.

Part of the Southern Reefs trilogy. Yeah. Great trilogy. We're thinking of the same guy. All three of them. Great. Sorry. I was thinking of Mark Jackson.

Mark Jackson. Well, mystery solved. Yeah. Our guest on the program, stand-up comic, comedy writer, esteemed peer, heir to a podcast fortune. Yeah, right. Danielle Koenig. Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you on air. Don't worry. We'll get rid of Jimmy for you. Thanks. Wait. Do you guys have listeners? Yes. Is this going out?

It is going out, but we don't have listeners. That doesn't seem like a good plan. Okay. It will be posted, but – Okay. I have so many questions. Okay. First of all, how did you get the name Jackson?

What did you say the guy's name was? I am reading a creativity book called Wonder Book by Jeff Vandermeer. You said Jeff Vandermeer and he goes, oh, I was thinking of Ron Jackson. What? It had no connection. Neither of the names, neither the first nor last was the same. I first said Jeff Van Gundy, which is the guy I had been alluding to. You didn't say that.

I did say that. I did say it. I pretended I was confusing. I don't i pretended i was confusing i don't think he said it i did say jeff van gundy didn't i say jeff van gundy brian make him mad and say no i did say it but that's still not anything i said don't mark jack Jackson, he's a different former NBA host turned color commentator. It was a little fun design for the round ball fans in the audience. But neither of them are anywhere near that name that Jordan said. Jeff Van Gundy is like, what was the one that you said?

Jeff Vandermeer? Let's dig in. Yes, Jeff Vandermeer? Let's dig in. Yes, Jeff Vandermeer. And I might even be getting that guy's name wrong. All right, okay. The artist's way is very old. I don't think. I read Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Big Magic.

Thank you very much. Okay, well, we're all trying to boost our creativity. Executive produced the podcast. Elizabeth Gilbert. That's not the Eat, Pray, Love Woman? That's the Eat, Pray, Love Woman. Oh, okay. She's our creativity. Executive produced the podcast. Elizabeth Gilbert. That's not the Eat, Pray, Love Woman? That's the Eat, Pray, Love Woman. Oh, okay. She's our friend.

Danielle, do you read any books to boost your creativity, the artist's way or otherwise? No. Okay. I do read books. That's great. I've been reading a lot more. Okay. Right now I'm reading the Ronan Farrow book and that is about Weinstein and that just

makes you realize everyone's a piece of shit. So that's fine. Oh, sure. Yeah. Can I say something? What is that doing for your creative output? Nothing.

Same as everything else. Nothing. I have two things to say. One is in the past. It is when you said The Artist's Way, I truly thought you said The Art of Sway.

Uh-huh. Longtime MTV host. Yeah, right. Former host of The Wake Up Show show uh number two with regard to the ronan farrow book yes i've heard wonderful things about the ronan farrow book i've seen him make some television appearances okay um and i have to be honest with you i'm so uncomfortable with how pretty he is he's very pretty that i have a hard time listening to the very important things he's talking about. You're just like my mom.

I'm sure in many ways. But yeah, I was at the other end of a very uncomfortable phone call in which my mom had to tell me how attractive she thinks Ronan Farrow is. I was like, okay, got it. Noted. He's alarmingly good looking. He is alarmingly good looking. I guess he's not my type at all. so I just think he's pretty and cute.

I'm going to be frank with you, Danielle. I'm not his type either. I get it. No, he's not my type. Right. Okay. But, right. No, he's cute.

He's handsome. Yeah. And there's also this other thing that he does that some television personalities, and he was a television reporter for a long time before he became a print reporter. Some television personalities are able to speak in such coherent paragraphs. That's weird, right?

That I also find that disturbing. Because I heard a radio interview. Like Buttigieg. Like Buttigieg. Like I heard Ronan Farrow on Fresh Air. Okay. With Terry Gross. For a record. Look, love Ronan Farrow on Fresh Air. Okay. With Terry Gross. For a record.

Look, love Terry. Yeah. Love Fresh Air. Sure. Love listening and learning. Yeah. On that program. Right.

And I had a lot to learn about the situation with the horrible man. Weinstein. Weinstein and his horrible friends and peers, all of which was very horrible. Yeah. However, I was distracted by how coherently Ronan Farrow was speaking and the certitude and clarity with which he was speaking. OK. It was distressing. Yeah.

No, I get that. You may not have a problem with the reading then because you're supposed to be clear. That's supposed to be that way. Right. So, yeah. You are supposed to be clear, though, as well. So the fact that he's Ronan is a problem. I know.

There's so many problems. Do you read any fiction lately? Yes. I just read a book before this called Where is Sylvie Lee? I think that's what it's called. Spoiler alert, but where did she end up being? Well, I can't really tell you, but it... Really?

Even after I gave the spoiler alert? Jesse, in our hearts. Oh, the whole time? Yeah. Is that it? Did I guess it? No. No, okay.

Do you really want me to tell you where she was? Yeah. Dad, dad, dad, dad. Oh, no! Poor gal. It's a mystery. She was such a brassy dame. You know, I've never – I don't really read mysteries that often.

It did have the effect of like I want to find out. I want to find out. I want to find out what happened. But it wasn't necessarily a fantastic book. Like it wasn't – but it said, you know, from the writer of – and then there were some other books that – some books with the word girl in it but not girl on a train. I like a mystery. The girl with the train tattoo. Yeah.

I feel like when I'm reading a mystery book, the more mysterious it is, the more I check out. I like – Because you're frustrated? No. This more I check out. I like. Because you're frustrated? No. This is why. Okay. I like a detective. Okay.

Love that. All right. That was not part of this really. Love a detective learning about things. Sure. But I forget the names. I forget which character is which anytime I read a novel. And so any plot-heavy novel with a lot of characters where I'm supposed to be figuring it out as it goes along, if figuring it out is part of it, I'm fucking lost.

Oh, you're like, oh, so-and-so did it. I don't know who that is. I'm like, which guy is John? I always get mad at a mystery when you get the solution and then it turns out I couldn't have figured it out. I never do, but I want to. I don't have the intelligence to do it, but a person smarter than me should be able to do it is what you're saying. Given the appropriate clues. be able to do it is what you're saying yeah given the appropriate clues but no i agree with you when i watch movies and i think well that was just they just blew that out at the last minute without any pretext yeah twin you didn't know about exactly right there's no way you can know that exactly

sure yeah i like an atmospheric mystery where figuring it out is consequential but isn't essential to the – like I love a Walter Mosley book, Easy Rollins Mystery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love those because at the end of the day, there's a mystery there but mostly it's just a guy wandering around through a specific place. Right. And they talk about the place and what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think ultimately I haven't read any of the number one ladies detective agency novels, but I think that's where I'm headed because I love the shit out of that television show. Is that a show? There was a show with the star Jill Scott. It was great too. Oh, it was so good. Didn't she run for president?

Who's Jill Scott? Jill Scott is an R&B singer. She didn't run for president. You might be thinking of Jill Stein. I was jokingly thinking of Jill Stein. It's possible that you're thinking of Jeff Van Gundy. That's what I was thinking of.

Jeff Van Gundy. Yes. We figured it out. Yes, yes, yes. R&B singer Jill Scott once took us all on a long walk. She's acted pretty extensively. She's a pretty active actor.

But is this like a recent show? This was maybe five or ten years ago. This was a while ago. It was an HBO-BBC co-production, I believe, or an HBO Sky co-production maybe. It was a wonderful show but only made one season. Because I've heard of it but I don't know if I've heard of it as books or if I've heard of it as the show? They're like pretty much the top type. They were, five or ten years ago, the top type of book that an NPR listener would read at their summer cottage.

Oh, barf. Okay. So, sorry. No, it's fine. I worked for NPR, but yeah. I know, but I mean. Anyway, I got to go to the Cape. I'll see you guys.

Right. So those lobster traps won't pull themselves up. Oh, my God. I did that in New Hampshire. Not in New Hampshire. I lied in. Don't lie. And they weren't lobster.

Our listeners will dox you. I'm lying about all of this. It was Delaware. And it was crabs. OK. And it was the whitest thing I've ever done. Thanks for coming clean. And it was Delaware. Okay. And it was crabs. Okay. And it was the whitest thing I've ever done. Thanks for coming clean. And it was fantastic.

What kind of – did you get any crabs in there? Yeah. I mean we just pulled them up. We were staying with people who do this. Like this is their lifestyle. Crab folk. Crab folk. Yeah.

Like my husband and I would say like, oh, beach folk, huh, honey? They're like, yeah, live on the water folk. Yeah. Beach people. Jimmy says, what's this, about four crabs? Yeah. So my son and I went to the bookstore and he wanted to buy a mystery. And the lady pointed us to the mystery section.

And then we found ourselves on the wrong side. And she said, oh, no, no, no, no. Those are the cozy mysteries. Ah, yes. Which I had never heard of. So is that like for people who watch Murder, She Wrote? Yes. But in book form. Yeah. Cozy mysteries. Ah, yes. Which I had never heard of. So is that like for people who watch Murder, She Wrote? Yes. But in book form. Yeah. Cozy mysteries. That's like the mysteries that descend

from not Rumpel of the Bailey, but Agatha Christie novels, you know? Okay. That's like I look, don't drag me. Can I just say, Linda Holmes, don't drag me. Can I, when you said cozy mysteries, I immediately thought of something unusual that I saw last week at the Burbank Public Library, Buena Vista branch.

I don't even know what those words mean. How can there be a Burbank Public – oh, Buena Vista the street. Buena Vista branch, yeah. There's like three Burbank Public Libraries. This is the Buena Vista branch. In. Buena Vista branch, yeah. There's like three Burbank public libraries. This is the Buena Vista branch. In my opinion, the nicest of the three. I just thought Danielle was dragging Burbank as a city that could never have its own public library. No, no, no.

Right, yeah. I grew up in North Hollywood, Burbank adjacent. So we only aspire to be like Burbank. I mean. Okay. So these are – okay. If Burbank is a city of anything, Jordan, it's public libraries. If it's a city of two things, public libraries and aquatic centers.

If it's a city of three things, public libraries, aquatic centers, and model train stores. There you go. Go ahead. If it's four things, it's public libraries, model trains – what was the second thing? Aquatic centers. Aquatic centers and thrift shops. Yeah. Sure.atic centers. Aquatic centers and thrift shops. Yeah, sure. Burbank.

A lot of dusty thrift shops. If you need a dress with cherries on it, Burbank is your place. That's where you're going. The shop will only be open till 5, but have they got a fuckload of cherry dresses. It's got weird hours. Yeah.

It needs a few light bulbs changed, and they're mad when you come in. Yes. But. They dust with coronavirus. So here, I, gosh, this, I, I want to talk about how crazy this is, but I, I want to describe it. It's visually crazy.

This is something you saw at the Buena Vista. This is a paperback book. Okay. And it's a, it's kind of a cartoon woman, very pastel. This is a paperback. The woman is like painting a house you can see kind of out the window there's a gazebo and the um you know the font on this thing is it's kind of a fun cursive kind of like a fun storybook cursive and so she's painting this cabinet and her cat

oh boy her cat oh boy what is he up to her's on the counter. He's dipping his paws in the paint bucket. Oh, boy. And you can see little kitty paw prints in paint all over this. This fucking cat's tracking paint all over the house? Paint all over the house. And, you know, so fun cartoon pastels. Imagine this font, this storybook font. Here's the title of the book.

Oh, here we go. Fixing to Die. Is it D-Y-E, though? No, Fixing to D-I-E. Is it F-I-X-I-N-G or F-I-X-I-N apostrophe? F-I-X-I-N-G to Die. Let me pass this around. Is two the number two?

No. I'm going to find every iteration. Holy crap. Wait, I got to see this. Okay, so this looks like, first of all, this woman is- What's going on over there at the Buena Vista branch? You think this book is directly to, directly for Burbank Buena Vista libraries only? It might be.

Direct to library. It could be. It's just, yeah. First of all, you undersold this woman who is a hot babe in capris. Can I see the picture? She's very cartoonish. She's a cartoon hot babe. Not yet, Danielle.

God damn it. I want to see the ladies. Let her see the babe. She'll get to see the babe. I like capris. She's wearing- The fun summer pant. She's wearing capris and like Keds.

She's like a fun retro babe. Yeah, she's- She's like a- She's got a cute. She's like a fun retro babe. Yeah, she's – She's like – she's got a cute – She's like a Mary Tyler Moore. She's got a cute little Mary Tyler Moore hairstyle with a little white band in her head, a pink polka dot top. She is fun and flirty and frankly should be wearing painting clothes. I'm going to be honest. She's going to ruin these capris.

But she's got capris for every day of the week. How many little frilly pink polka dot tops do you think she has? Because that's where the paint's going to end up. Well, I think she might have different color polka dot tops. I don't know because I'm not allowed to look at the picture. Let her look at the babe, Jesse. She has a fun, kitschy,

mid-century style, but not modern, a kitschy, mid-century style, but not modern, like a kitschy atomic style kitchen. And I'm going to be honest with you, Jordan. There's a whole, the cat, there's a can of paint, like a full paint can, a big paint can. The cat has gone up to it and put his paw or her paw in. Can you tell? You're a cat person. Can you tell? You're a cat person.

Can you tell? Look at its genitals. I do not think that the cover artist drew genitals on this cat. Okay. Well, we'll say that. Oh, that's what the fixing is. The cat. Yeah.

They're going to get the cat fixed. I imagine the cat had accidentally walked through a tray of paint or something. This is a fuck you. He's a rascal. This is a fuck you from the cat to the babe. Now, this is a banging babe, right? First and foremost. She's very cartoonish.

I don't. That's what I like. I like what I like. Sure. I don't mean to shame you. Okay. Yeah. So it looks like a kid's book. Okay. Except for the. Okay. Yeah. So it looks like a kid's book.

Okay. Except for the title. I mean, it really looks like a kid's book. So I think I have more information for you. Okay. I have another photo that I would like to show. Oh, thank you. Can I have my phone back?

Well, wait. What does this mean? Oh, okay. Danielle, he needs to look at- Christ. Okay. So next to this book is another book. Same Babe.

Also by Elaine Viet. This is also by Elaine Viet. And the same Babe. Is this chick a murderer? She has like a sweater now and it's kind of off the shoulder. You see a little strap. I don't know if it's a bra strap or a tank top or whatever. And she's in a yard.

There's like a play structure. What looks like a black lab in there. Black Labrador. There's like a Pekingese type dog kind of jumping up to her. Where's the cat? Cat's not on the cover. Well, the cat died in the last book.

Yeah, maybe. Fixing it to die. Well, you spoiled two books. And she's got a bag with a little chihuahua in it right title of this book

same story book font a dog gone murder are these cozy mysteries that's when you said cozy mystery

I'm like oh that's maybe what those weird Burbank books were yeah they didn't look like that they looked more like yeah I mean all I could think was Jessica didn't look like that. They looked more like – yeah.

I mean all I could think was Jessica Fletcher, like that they're people who like watching 70s mysteries and stuff. Right. That aren't too scary. That aren't scary. Might like cozy mysteries. I think – do you think this is related to the people who get comfort from watching like Law & Order SVU? Oh, I'm one of those people. The people who get comfort from true crime narratives?

Yeah. Danielle, can you explain? I am not that. I've enjoyed an episode of Law & Order. I like Ice-T's acting. Well, you don't have a vagina. Yeah. I don't.

No. Can you explain that? Why women like SVU? Yeah. I think I've talked to other non-women people who do that. Why women like SVU. Yeah. I think I've talked to other non-women people who do that. But our friend Brandon Bird has dedicated a great portion of his artistic life to a law and order. Yeah. But –

What way? Drawing them into coloring books. Oh, okay. Check out the artistic output of Brandon Bird when you get a chance. Okay. I will. I will. Absolutely will.

A lot of fun. I think it's, well, like any law and order, it's just that it's so predictable and it's, the pace is so reassuring and it is sort of like ASMR because it's like, every, every time I say that I have to make sure it's ASMR, not AMSR. So that's what I was doing right there with that pause.

Um, it's like this beat and then act one is this. And then not that you think of it in terms of acts and stuff, but you just – you know the rhythm. So it's very comforting. And I don't know. I think it's just – I think it's just Christopher Meloni and Mariska Harkity are just fantastic. They're treasures.

And who can turn their eyes away from a charming Richard Belser? Not me. Paired with iced tea. Are you kidding me? Sure. Charisma off the wall. I think I've talked about this on Jordan Jesse Go before, but maybe four or five years ago, Ice-T was on Bullseye because he made actually a very good documentary called The Art of

Run that was about the hows of rapping, like the technical and artistic elements of rapping where he interviewed famous rappers. It was also about 20 percent helicopter shots of cities he was visiting. You rent a helicopter, you're going to use it. Yeah. I think they really – they paid for the helicopter shots and they really wanted to get their money's worth. That's where the budget goes. I mean what is an interview? It's a locked off shot.

The rest of it is just – Maybe you have something from the side. Ice-T and Rakim hanging out in a bodega or whatever. Sure. So Ice-T came in here with Little Ice. That's his son. Is that just what they call him or his name – his birth name is Ice? Little Ice or Little Ice?

Well, I don't think Ice-T's birth name is Ice. Well, I understand that, but he has the power to name his children. That's true, legally speaking. He'd have understand that, but he has the power to name his children if he wants. That's true, legally speaking. He'd have to get Coco's sign-off on that. I don't think she'd have a problem with it. I think she'd be cool. I think she'd be pretty chill. I think they're on the same page on those things.

I think they have a great marriage. I do. Ice-T, I believe it's his nickname, but his name's Little Ice. He was about 18 at the time, so he's probably in his 20s now. So he's medium-ice-ish. Yeah. He's about 18 at the time. So he's probably in his 20s now. So he's medium ice-ish. Yeah. Okay. He's definitely medium size.

But Ice-T came in and, you know, one or two, like a publicist and whatever. I truly think he is one of the top five most charismatic people who I've ever come in here to do. Have you met other people? As a person whose job it is to interview two celebrities a week. Yes. Or celebrities and artists a week. Like, I would say, I mean, I would say that probably RuPaul was more charismatic. Okay.

But like, besides that, it's a short list. And he's little and he's pudgy. He is? Yeah. I mean, the man, he's not pudgy for a 57-year-old or however old he is, but he is moderately pudgy. And he's little?

Yeah, he's little. He's not tiny, but he's maybe 5'8 or something. Okay. And yeah. So much personality in that little body. It is fucking extraordinary. And he delivers like he's-

Did he tap dance? I'm trying to figure out what he did that is something we don't see because he's so the opposite of what you're describing. What can I say? He turned my ass out. I'm working the streets for him now. He just locked eyes with me. That's all that was necessary.

If you were in a room with Ice-T and Ronan Farrow, would your mind explode? What would you do? I would go with Ice-T and try and conspire against Ronan Farrow. You are... I'm not against Ronan Farrow.

I want to make it clear. He's doing really important work. It's just that I find his eyes discomforting because they're so piercing. Right. And so I feel like Ice-T, the second you meet him, all you want is for him to like you. Yes. Whereas I am only intimidated by Ronan Farrow's clarity and piercing gaze. Okay.

And maybe Ice-T could write a rap in which he rhymed Ronan with with bonin or something oh he absolutely could do that that would be sure i think he if we if we asked him to do that he could do that i mean he wrote the raps for mr t on mr t's rap album is that right that's true that's real we can do it yeah wow how many raps were there on the album uh Quite a few Enough to fill an album? If anybody has not heard the song Treat Your Mother Right I can't recommend it enough Treat her right

Treat your mother right Can he rap? Mr. T? No He can scream He can do that Mr. T thing great So it comes out okay, but he's bad at rapping. Right.

But Icy is- Do the chains get in the way? Icy is like legitimately- Like, you know, when you meet- I mean, you've worked in show business much of your life and your folks are in show business. Yeah. Like, I think that when- I've definitely found that when you meet someone who is known for being weird looking on camera, not like gross looking but like weird looking.

You know what I mean? Not like the elephant man or something. What's your example? Is Ice-T your example? No, no, no, no. Oh, OK. This is a parallel situation. My example is Paul Dano.

OK. Paul Dano who's at best like an alternative leading man, right? He's like thin, very thin. He's like gawky on screen. That's like part of his thing. Paul Dano came in here one time. All I could think is, Jesus Christ, this man is handsome. Like so handsome. Isn't that strange?

Steve Buscemi is another one, like just very handsome man. Really? Yeah, absolutely. And Zachary Levi plays nerds. I know. That's the best looking man anyone has ever seen. You know who else used to play nerds? Bradley Cooper.

Yeah. On Alias. That just never will stop blowing my mind. Oh, yeah. I mean, he was still good looking, but he was like, he couldn't he takes off those glasses and lets that hair down. He couldn't get the girl. I know. Took out the pin and then it all fell out. Right.

Yeah. This tie is a clip-on. I know, right? Yeah, sure. Okay. Sorry. But that wasn't the situation with Ice-T. Like Ice-T is a good looking guy.

Don't get me wrong. But like it wasn't that he was so good looking. It was just charisma. It was specifically his like presence. Fascinating. Yeah. But did you think that about him before you met him? No.

You were surprised by how much you were awed by him. I did not. I was very surprised. Like outside of the fact that I was impressed by his movie being interesting and informative and pretty good which you know like when a guy from Law and Order directs a documentary you don't know that it's going to be good and like Ice-T is an important

rapper in the history of rap in some ways but he was never a great rapper even in his time I think not regarded as a great rapper I saw Body Count live once and it ruled it's great I've ever had in my life

sorry more fun than discovering Viet's line of work in the Burbank library the second most fun I've ever had in my life I'm amending my my statement thank you Danielle thank you Danielle do you think Danielle's gonna dox you next I mean don't dox me don't dox me don't tase me uh danielle is tase i have to ask

yeah i'm old is tase something other than the physical act of tasing is this a version of doxing you know what i would think i was alluding to when i said that and i don't say things on this show for any reason sure you just say things yeah sure. Yeah. Sure. To be clear, Danielle, this show doesn't exist for any reason. I think what I was, what I had in my brain was there was a meme

for a while and I don't know exactly where it started, but I think the meme is don't tase me, bro. Yeah. It was a guy who got tased

before saying, immediately after saying don't tase me, bro. Don't tase me, bro. I remember that. There was a video of it. Okay. Okay., bro. Don't tase me, bro. I remember that. There was a video of it. OK. OK.

I think that's what I was like. OK. So it's not some slang that I'm not aware of. No. No. I don't think it's some sort of teen TikTok sex act that teens are doing on TikTok. Right. It's a way of laughing at someone's real life suffering.

Sure. God. Someone who's tased. Someone who's been physically tased. Bro. OK. But you were going to ask something. I was going to ask.

So you're a Law & Order fan. Yes. Are there any of the newer procedurals that have that soothing quality to you or is it all Law & Order? I've never watched them. Only Law & Order? You won't do a CSI? No. No interest.

Not a NCIS? You put any initials together, I'm going to say no. Okay. I'm not into it. Wow. But I don't – I haven't watched Law & Order in a long time. Okay. But I was just writing – well, last month I was writing on the Writers Guild Awards and we did a Law & Order bit and we had to keep watching scenes from it to find stuff.

And I was like jonesing. I was like, oh my god, I've got to watch Law & Order. Sure. I've got to do it. I just haven't done it in so long. That chunk chunk sound is neural programming. That sort of was the point of the bit. But yeah, we talked about the great writing of the show and then we just showed chunk chunk.

We just kept showing the – or we showed like the very tail end of a scene, like six seconds of a scene and then the chunk chunk. So honor the writing of the show. Like six seconds of a scene and then the chunk chunk. So honor the writing of the show. Something if you have a shooting script of Law & Order, and I do because I'm a big memorabilia guy. So I want the shooting script. And with photos in it of the costume continuity. Right.

That's the kind of guy I am. You're a memorabilia guy. I'm a memorabilia guy. Wait, are you a memorabilia guy? I am. Oh, I guess I'm three things. A hype beast. Yeah. A lifelong gamer. Yeah. And a memorabilia guy. Wait, are you a memorabilia guy? I am. Oh, I guess I'm three things. A hype beast, a lifelong gamer, and a memorabilia guy. Sure. Three hats that I wear.

Nice Yeezys, by the way. Thank you. A new Yeezy. It's for a hype beast, which is me. Mm-hmm. If you see the original shooting script, you have to write the chunk chunk in. Right. So it's stage directions.

Chunk chunk? Yeah. That wasn't worth saying anyway. Danielle, are there any other procedural television programs that you've enjoyed watching in your time? Okay. Would you, so my husband's been watching Columbo. Is that a procedural

crime drama? I think that is. And there was a period where your husband, James Pardo, was, I was obsessed with Kojak. Yeah. And that I never really watched. I watched a couple of scenes like walking by the TV and I was a little bit perplexed. But I'm sure it'd be fun to watch. But I have watched a couple of. Oh, wait a second. OK, crime procedural. Well, I guess it depends on like I loved moonlighting and I loved Heart to Heart and I loved I don't know, are those crime procedural dramas? Not really. No, I don't think they are.

No, those are characters, will they, won't they? That's really what I'm interested in. That's a romance. But, crimes of the heart. Yeah, that's true. That's one category of crimes. Some might say. Yeah, Heart of Dixie. Sure, yeah. Dixie Cups. A great way to store liquid. See, just say things. Dixie Carter. Dixie Carter, right? Also, I think- Dixie Cups, a great way to store liquid.

See, just say things. Dixie Carter. Dixie Carter, right? Oh, thank you. Good and everything. Good and everything. Thank you, Jimmy Carter. Oh, peanut.

Yeah. Sure. You want the jelly. Now we got a show. Yes. I think we found our calling. Say more. Say more. Say stuff.

You know what goes great with peanut butter and jelly? What? You know what you want to wash it down with? Some iced tea. Oh. Here we go. Coming back around. It's a herald.

Okay. Now I just realized what it was. There was a time where there weren't 500 channels and I didn't even have cable. Law and order was always on. So it's extremely comforting because it was always on. It was always like, OK, there's nothing on, but at least there's Law and Order. And I know I like that. So that's probably why I don't watch it anymore because there's so many choices of other things to watch.

I think I feel that way only. The only show that I can think of that I really feel that way about is Cheers. OK, it's so funny you say that. Just started watching it again with my son. He's watching it for the first time. And it's my favorite you say that. Just started watching it again with my son. He's watching it for the first time. And it's my favorite show of all time.

And completely holds up. I can't believe how much I remember every joke. I'm like, I remember that joke. I know what's coming. I know that.

Brilliant. Yeah, the total absence of people of color is impressive in retrospect. Well, it took place in Boston. But to be fair, to be fair, I think like when I watched other shows that I love, like I

really loved Seinfeld and I've mentioned on this show that when I rewatched Seinfeld the last time, I was impressed at the number of broad ethnic caricatures that I had forgotten about. Oh, it's the little bananas. Yeah. You're like, I mean, it's still fucking great. Yeah, you're like... I mean, still fucking great. Still totally rules. Don't get me wrong. Cheers? Wow.

It has an almost total absence of people of color. That's true. It also has a total absence of broad ethnic caricatures, which is very nice. I was going to say, they kept it simple. Yeah, exactly. We just won't have anyone of any color on, and then we don't have to worry about being offensive. Yeah, they're like, don't worry, we'll color on. And then we don't have to worry about being offensive.

Yeah, they're like, don't worry. We'll just bring in Harry Anderson instead. Yes, and he'll get a TV show from it. Does your son – I mean obviously it's something you've been doing. But he – your son is 12 now? Yes. Does he like Cheers? Does he respond to it?

Is it funny? He's enjoying it unless he's just humoring me, which is possible. But I mean it's not the same kind of comedy as like he loves The Office and he loves Friends. Yeah, that's an interesting thing that I've heard about and can't figure out in my head is like why a modern 13-year-old is into Friends. But they are, I guess. You know what I think? It's because it's funny. It's good writing and Sure, maybe it's just got a structure. And they're likable characters. And you know, on every show you find someone

you identify with and he thinks he's funny so he likes Chandler and he thinks he's, you know, I mean, for a while he was asking for sweater vests

right and left. And, um. Wants to live that Chandler lifestyle. And we gave him to him and he had big floppy hair at one point. Wow. So he, uh,

yeah, you know. And then, you know. He had that monkey for a while and his Ross face. He had Marcel. Yes, he used to bring on his shoulders and, uh, yeah, you know. He had that monkey for a while and his Ross face. He had Marcel. Yes, he used to bring on his shoulders. And yeah, he married a lesbian. I'm a total Phoebe.

I'm the guy who worked at the coffee shop who used to be Alf Stad. I think. No. Did he? No. Was the guy who worked at the coffee shop, didn't he used to be Willie Tanner? No. That guy was like put in jail for child molestation or something.

Oh, no. I'm not that guy. Oh, audience, please dox Jordan. Don't dox me. No, he had like child porn or something. He was involved in – what's his face? But he wasn't the dad from Elle. No.

Okay. Wait, are you really young? Is that why you don't know this? No. I didn't watch a lot of Friends. Oh, okay. I kind of like picked it up, you know, just in the way that people pick things up. And I didn't like binge it when it came to streaming.

I think that was like that guy's life. I mean, I think that was his biggest part was playing Gunter on Friends. I wonder why I thought that it was the dad from Half. I mean, he would have been like decades older than that character. Can I ask you a quick question? Because you've watched a fair amount of Friends. that it was the dad for Alf. I mean, he would have been like decades older than that character. Can I ask you a quick question? Because you've watched a fair amount of Friends. I only have short, I haven't seen it since it was on TV really.

Alf was on there, right? He was one of the friends. Yeah. Well, there were seven friends originally. Right. But Alf, he didn't really like, Joey was the cute one. So what's the point of having Alf on? Right.

That makes sense. But I love. Chandler was the one that ate cats exactly and that extends my exhausts my knowledge of Alf yeah I was gonna do a cat eating thing so we can move on I know nothing more about Alf I never watched it what the thing about the nice thing about Cheers is even in season 11 or 12, like there's some things about Cheers people love to talk about.

People love to talk about Diane and Ted Danson and how in love they were and will they, won't they. That's great. Yeah. But give me just an episode with Gary gary's old town tavern oh yeah yeah yeah it could be a season 75 episode where they're competing in some dumb contest give me an entire episode that's just about carla i'm fine with it really the the depth i'm willing to go to on cheers and like the like the the great part for me about Cheers is like I'm willing to watch any character on Cheers have the A story. No problem.

100% glad to. Because they were so well written and they were so individual and they were like characters you hadn't seen before. I'm just starting at the beginning. So it's still Coach. Oh, I love Coach. And he's so good. Coach is so amazing. Like, he's such an amazing actor.

It's crazy. Yeah, and I mean... These little moments. Watching it, watching it relatively recently, which I have, it's kind of like my wife and my, like,

default double backup show. Yeah, yeah. Like, if there's no new shows we want to watch, but when we don't want to watch anything, it's going to upset us. We can always just watch the cheers because there's an infinite number of them.

Yes. One of the things that I've noticed is that, while I think it's fair to, like if we are using our sociological glasses to look at cheers from 30 years ago, I think it's fair to be critical of kind of the premise of Kirstie Alley's character, which is that she's like desperate for love because she's a career woman. It's kind of, that is a well-worn trope of 80s comedy.

It didn't start out that way though. They changed the character as it went on. It gets more and more like that. More and more. Sweet baby. But she's so funny in that, with that stuff. Well, here's the thing. Kirstie Alley is so fucking funny.

So good. Like, Kirstie Alley is so great that like anyone talking about how great Diane is, and look, Diane is also great. Yeah. But like, Kirstie Alley is,

and the fact that they replaced Coach, who was my favorite Cheers character, with Woody Harrelson. Who's also great. Yeah. They replaced Diane with Kirst my favorite Cheers character, with Woody Harrelson. Who's also great. Yeah. They replaced Diane with Kirstie Alley. Both of them are like every bit as great as the other people. I agree.

It is incredible. And it's crazy because like at the time, while I'm watching it, it's my favorite show, right? Diane. They're getting rid of Diane. What? Yeah. You know, and then it's like, oh, this woman is fantastic in a completely different way. She's genius.

And then you read like, oh, this woman is fantastic in a completely different way. She's genius. And totally sane. And then you read that in every episode – what's his face? What's Fraser called? Fraser. Yeah, I almost forgot. Kelsey Grammer. Kelsey Grammer. In every episode, Kelsey Grammer was so drunk and high that no one could believe he could remember his lines.

And you're like, but he's perfect in every episode. He's amazing. How is that possible? And not just high, but like high on coke. Yeah. And like driving his car into supermarkets every other weekend. Like he was out of his mind. Like people would – like I read the big oral history of Cheers and like my number one takeaway of the big oral history of Cheers was –

Is that a book? No, it was – I don't think it was a book. I think it was like a very long Grantland article or something like that. I have to find that. But it was like the number one thing I learned from reading that history of Cheers was just every person around Kelsey Grammer was in awe of Kelsey Grammer specifically for the reason that he was so extraordinarily good despite being incoherently incapacitated. I don't understand how he did it. Neither does anyone else.

None of the people. They all are just like, I don't know how he did it. He was always perfect as soon as the camera pointed at him. And then as soon as the camera pointed away from him, he was like in danger of dying. So weird. Here's a third hand story. Yeah. When I was in high school, the biggest celebrity at my high school was Travis, whose half brother was the drummer of the Vandals.

Sure. Orange County hardcore legend, the Vandals. Okay. And there is a Vandals song on their like second album album like in 1985 or 1986 or something like that. I think it's Peace Through Vandalism, Peace Through Vandalism. And the song starts with an answering machine message where Kelsey Grammer is saying something. And then this song starts like a 60-second song that would be on that album. And then this song starts, like a 60-second song that would be on that album.

And he's not credited on it anywhere. But the reason Kelsey Grammer did that little answering machine message was as a favor to the vandals manager who he bought Coke from and couldn't pay. Jesus Christ. That's hysterical. What is the message? Oh, gosh. I wish I knew it off the top of my head. That's something I could look it up. It's something kind of Frasier parody-y.

It's something like... Oh, my God. It's not I'm listening because that was part of the spinoff. It was something like that. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's brilliant. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

Fun little Easter egg. I wish Kelsey Grammer... If anybody's got that album, go back and listen to it. I wish Kelsey Grammer owed me money for Coke. Yeah, you could get him to leave a message on your answering machine. Do you think we could get him to relapse? I hope so. I think he's been sober for a while.

He's insane now. Is he? Oh, he's a right-wing nutjob. Oh, no. Oh, yes. It's a shame. Oh, yes. I hate to hear about that.

Yeah. Hopefully. Okay. When you say right-wing nutjob, where does he fall between Chachi and Kevin Sorbo? Well, he must not – is Kevin Sorbo also – I think so, yeah. Is that that Hercules guy? I think yes.

Hercules, the legendary journalist. Oh my god. Between Chachi and Hercules. OK. I don't know because honestly in this Trump era, I've not heard Kelsey Grammer speak up or anything. I just know from the past that he's really like a gun nut and other sort of offensive things. So I can't really speak to it. I just remember being very surprised about it.

Well – I think it was during his housewife time. You know, his then wife was a housewife of Beverly Hills. Sure. It was in his contract. Like he had to appear on the show as part of the divorce settlement or something. Yeah. Good something. Yeah. Good times.

Okay. Let's take a break. We'll come back in just a second with more of Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Danielle Koenig, maker of fondant cakes as of yesterday. Congratulations on that.

Thank you. Way to go. Thank you. Danielle made a very Jordan, Jesse Goh appropriate Invader Zim themed. Yes. Grr cake. Grr cake. Grr cake. Yeah.

Which you wrote on. For the hell of it. I did. I was delighted to learn. Yes. But not to – it wasn't my idea to do grr. It was my son's idea. That's the cake.

You wanted to do Invader Zim. Exactly. I make him do – You wanted to do dib. I make any project he does related to something I've had a professional hand in. So I've worked for professional hand in. So I've worked for the Playboy channel. He had to do some very inappropriate

sculpting. But you know, you gotta support mom. You gotta support mom. Yeah. Even if it means making a shaved bush cobbler. Exactly. How did you know that's what it was? Well, I used to work for the Penthouse channel. Wow, yours was a gaping puss cobbler huh

it was more explicit of the two down the middle magazines right a banana split down the middle okay well maybe something like that let's workshop this and talk about it in a couple episodes yeah uh when something momentous happens to you like you get a fondant cake just fucking right on your first try, like, yeah, that's right. Like our friend Danielle Koenig did. That's right. It's Gur in the dog suit we should mention. It is Gur in the dog suit. Exactly.

Thank you, Jordan. No problem. I just wanted people to be able to picture the cake. Yeah, and he's lying down because I don't want to make a cake standing up. No, you're not going to make it. It's your first fondant cake. Thank you. Your first fondant.

I should say the fondant made me gag, visibly gag. Really? Couldn't stand the smell of the fondant. Huh. Yeah, I dry heaved. Have you eaten it? Nope. Or are you too – okay.

Nope, nope. And it's vegan. I'm not a vegan, but I don't eat, you know, like marshmallows and stuff like that that has, you know. Sure. So the fondant we got was vegan, the green part. And nope, haven't, because the smell made me, it was like Play-Doh smell, but extreme. And I don't know. I just, my son.

Fondant is gross. It is, right? No one wants it. No one wants, fondant is for television cakes. Yes, television cakes. At the end of the day, let's just get some regular buttercream frosting in here. Well, it had that in it. Yeah.

It was inside. Inside and on the outside because you have to have something, the fondant to stick on. I say fondant. See, I say fondant too. And I always thought that was right. But now I've watched enough cooking shows, both British and American, to know that everyone says fondant. I keep saying fondant. I'm going to. You're the fondant commandant.

Right. Yes. Fondant commandant. That's fun to say. I like that. It is fun. Yeah. That's why I said it.

You know my aunt, right? Fondant? Yeah, your fondant aunt? Yeah. She's very gallant. I can't even. I can't even with this. Yeahantons? Yeah. She's very gallant. I can't even. I can't even with this. Yeah.

Mont? Oh. Mont? Like Montana? That's okay. I just put M on. No, it's fine. I just put M on.

I like to make a bont cake as well. A bont? A nice bont? Yeah, so it has that hole in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call.

206-984-4FUN. Or, Jordan, you know what's a fun thing to do? Whip out your smartphone. Mm-hmm. Open that voice memo app. Press record. Talk right into there. And then press the little arrow button for send it.

Send it to jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Is that easy? There you go. It's as easy as pie. It sounds pretty easy. We're going to be happy you did it. Not like that time I did that for Stop Podcasting Yourself and Dave acted mad at me. Yeah.

It's easy as pie. Shaved bush pie. He was mad because my call sounded so nice. Anyway. Press play, Brian. Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and guests. I'm going to say Joe Rogan. Pause this.

I just had a... Yes. Daniel Koenig is the Joe Rogan of... Oh, that's who he was guessing was the guest. I didn't understand. I thought it was a reference to something else. Yeah, that's become a little game that some people have yet to win on this show.

Oh, well, no one would guess me. No one knows who I am. So that's not fair. I think after this spectacular appearance, you'll become a beloved returning guest and people will guess you from now on. Would you say I have the charisma of an iced tea? Oh, absolutely. You have the charisma of an ice cube.

You have the charisma. Oh, now that's charisma. Yeah. Is it Friday already? Yeah. Oh, now that's charisma. Yeah. Is it Friday already?

Yeah. When Ice-T pops up in a comedy, you know you're going to laugh at his scenes. Hell yes. Very good. Very funny man. Wait, Ice Cube, did you mean to say? I did. Did I say Ice-T? You did say Ice-T.

Ice Cube is the one you hope to see in a comedy. Ice-T, you hope to see tweeting angrily to someone about Gears of War. That's what you want Ice-T to do. Very strong video game opinions. Is he a game guy? Post of the Final Level podcast. Video game podcast. Ice-T? He's like wrangled himself

into being voices in video games. I can only hear him as John Mulaney's impression of him now. You're telling me people put their fingers on the controller and play games? Yeah, that's him. That's all I can – that's just what I hear now. It was good. Yeah, it was really, really good.

Thank you. You felt like I was in the room with him, right? You should enter the talent show. I should totally enter the talent show. But pick a grown-up, not a teenager. Oh, God. For God's sake. Ice Cube, great in those 21 Jump Street movies.

Yeah. Can I just say, Ice Cube is fucking great at being Ice Cube. Yeah. He's the best. We all agree. He's tremendous at it. That's why he's been it for so long. Fist Fight.

See the movie Fist Fight. A lot of laughs in that. Yeah. I don't know that movie. It's good. Christina Hendricks has a butterfly knife, too. That's a good part. It sounds fun.

Yeah. It's a good movie. Okay. Yeah. specific press play brian brian's got to press play guys okay on this occasion i was walking down the street in beautiful bay ridge brooklyn and there was something that happens often which is a crazy person yelling looks like a woman maybe in her mid-50s just really giving somebody on the other side of the street the business. Just, you know, throwing the book at him. And

then I was just kind of walking along, minding my own business, and then she wheels around and looks me right in the eyes and says, and I don't care what you think neither. Anyway, I love this show. Yeah. So she not only gave him the business, but also threw Anyway, I love this show. Yeah. So she not only gave him the business, but also threw the book at him.

Both. Both. Huh. Sounds like a real legal eagle. It was a classic one-two punch, I would say. Yeah. Chunk, chunk. Mm-hmm.

Law and order, chunk, chunk. Chunk, chunk. God, I would love to. The main reason to live in Brooklyn, I don't drink coffee, so all those nice coffee places are lost on me. I shop mostly on the internet, so I don't need those boutiques. But I would love to just walk around and just once in a while hear somebody say some real Brooklyn talk. Just some really Brooklyn talk. Yeah. It is amazing.

The New York yelling, which we approximate a lot on this show. Yeah. Is a delight. I'm sure. I like it. I'm a fan. Yeah. I mean, it's like when you go to Seattle, when Californians go to Seattle, like, oh,

I love the rain. I love the rain. I love the rain. They're like, yeah, fuck it. We're sick of this. Right. I'm sure at some point you're tired of someone yelling at you. Yelling outside your window 24 hours a day? Yeah.

I'm sure. We can visit and find it charming. Yeah. The other day I was talking to John Hodgman about this. Of course, he lives in Brooklyn. And I was telling him how fun it is, like how charming it is. And I was like, yeah, I love LeGalian. And he just looked at me.

He says, hey, I'm walking here. Yeah. And this was a telephone conversation. Yeah. Very weird. And he improvised that line, which is the weird funny thing. Yeah. Weirdly aggressive.

Just like Ice Cube on the set of 21 Jump Street. Yeah. And his face flying, I'm walking here. When Ice Cube is on set, let's do one as scripted, one for Cube. Let's just play. Let's just have fun. Yeah, one's for Cube, you know? Yeah.

Cube loves to play. Might fuck around and get a triple-double, you know what I mean? You never know. You never know. He's counting assists, by the way, in that game. That only occurred to me the other day. I don't know how much basketball

you've played, Jordan. None! You tally in your rebounds? I don't know what you're talking about. Points, maybe. That hasn't stopped me so far. Yeah. That's right. I thought you guys were talking about baseball. Oh, yeah. I thought't stopped me so far. Yeah. That's right. Just say stuff. I thought you guys were talking about baseball.

Oh, yeah. I thought you were making a baseball analogy. God, I'd love it. If Ice Cube played baseball, I'd pay to see that. Go ahead and press play, Brian. Hi, my name is Mirabelle, and I'm calling from Brooklyn with a momentous occasion. Hey, I'm walking. My tooth just fell out, my first one. I'm six years old, and I'm in the tub.

My dad was wiping my face, and he accidentally wiped my tooth, my weekly one, and it fell out into the tub. I feel so pumped. Wow. That wasn't real. Do you only have listeners from Brooklyn? What is happening? I'm Tony Montana. Some of our listeners live in Portland.

Brooklyn and Portland? Oh, just like hipsters? Those are the two hubs. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, my God. Mirabelle. Yeah.

Is that our first child caller? That wasn't a child. You don't think it was a child? No. I think it was a child. I mean, I think the child was being coaxed by their parents. Yeah, that was like a Pamela Adlon situation. Yes, I do.

I 100% do. Could Bobby Hill call us? We could all enjoy that. I would. That would be great. You don't think it was a child? I think it was a child being coaxed by their parent. I think it was a child who loves Jordan Jesse Goh.

Yeah, well. Jordan Jesse Goh fan. Yeah. Children, don't listen to this show. You remember in the early days of Jordan Jesse Goh, we had children that listened to the show. Did we? There was a period where we didn't swear very much or none at all. There was a period where we didn't swear at all.

Then there was a period where we didn't swear at all. Then there was a period where we didn't swear very much. And now it's all, it's not all profanities. There's also obscenities. But there was a child who listened to our show that we named the official child of Jordan Jesse Go. Wow. And then this child was Swedish. This child was Swedish and this was like five or seven years later, came and interned for a week at Maximum Fun.

His parents emailed me. He was 16 or 17 then. And it was like, hey, in Sweden, children do a week of interning as part of high school. Okay. And we have some family in Pasadena who worked at Caltech or something, and he could stay with them. And he's wondering if he could come work, intern for a week at Maximum Fun. Okay. And he came and stayed for a week.

He was very nice. And that was long enough ago now that that young man is probably old enough to have killed someone. Sure. To have murdered. Yeah. You know? Children can murder.

Have you seen the classic film The Bad Seed? I don't think children can murder. With a shoe, you can. With a shoe. You can murder with a tap shoe. What are they going to murder with? Sugar? Spice?

Something nice? With tap shoes. Sorry, we've been spoiling a lot on this show. If there's a shiny metal involved. Yeah. Is that the real reason that I am always wearing taps in all my shoes? Because you have to fight a child. Yeah.

You fight a murderous child. Mirabelle was a real child. You don't think Mirabelle was a real child? I don't think it's a real name or a real child. I don't think they have a bath. I don't think she... None of it. That was an AI-generated call.

I could be wrong, but it just sounded funny baloney to me. You're a Mirabelle truther. Those are fighting. I am a – yeah. I do think she's from Kenya. She's a crisis actor. Crisis caller. Yes, Jesse.

I think Mirabelle's real. Number one, I think Mirabelle's real. Number two, I think Mirabelle is a sign that there is beauty and light in the universe. Okay. Well, then she should be a professional actor because she was extremely well-spoken for a six-year-old. I know. She was extraordinary. A real Ronan Farrow.

She's a young Ronan Farrow. You know who listens to Jordan and Jesse go? Extraordinary people. In Brooklyn and Portland only. Some might be in Portland, Maine. Some might be in Portland, Maine. Some might be in Portland, Maine. That's true. It's possible. Austin. Couple in Austin. Couple in Austin, probably.

Keeping it weird, right? Oh yeah, they're keeping it crazy. You go to Austin and you're like, what's going on here? You're like, oh my god. Oh my god, up is down. Black is white. What's happening? This town has slightly more bars than some other towns. Yeah, what?

I've never been there. What is it so weird about it? You know, I think maybe in its heyday, well, you know, here's what I think the thing with that slogan is, is that Austin is in the middle of, like, conservative Texas. Yeah. Right. And it's a respite of like conservative Texas. Yeah. Right. And it's the place where like a cool. Oasis.

Yeah. Where you're like a cool person if you want to like go to a place that isn't just like. You want to go hang out with Kinky Friedman instead of hanging out with Kenny Stabler. Sure. Yes. That analogy works. I'll assume. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think that's what that was about. But yeah, I mean, I think now when you go to Austin, it's maybe – well, I don't know. I think it's just weird compared to the rest of Texas. I think that's what they're getting at. Well, I'll visit it someday maybe. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, it's nice.

Okay. I heard it's weird. Yeah. It's a little weird. Are there freak flags flying? Yeah. Our friend from college has a giant restaurant there. So you should go to that restaurant.

What kind of restaurant? What's her restaurant called? Oh, I don't know. Banger's. I don't know. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, Banger's.

That's a weird name for a restaurant, guys. But get this. They serve sausages. They serve Banger's. That's awesome. Sausages are really good. They're great. Absolutely.

Really tasty. Yeah. Really tasty sausages. Pescatarian. They got vegetarian ones. Barf. Sorry. Really tasty. Really tasty sausages. They got vegetarian ones. Barf. Sorry. Oh, wow. Very sassy.

Very sassy. They have veggie options at the restaurant. I recently had a veggie sausage type thing at the movie theater. You know, at the... Well, that's the place to get it. If you're going to get a veggie sausage, the movie theater is the place to get it. you're gonna get a veggie sausage but it's at the you know

the movie theater is the place to get it the pretentious movie theater the fancy movie like an Alamo Drafthouse or an Arclight or something no no no

Landmark Landmark thank you Landmark and I took one bite of it and threw it away it was so disgusting so that's what's in my you should have got

the Raisinets then you went back into watching Most Exotic Marigold Hotel 2 oh god it's all they show there it's just that what's this new movie I just Then you went back into watching Most Exotic Marigold Hotel 2. Oh, God. It's all they show there. It's just that. What's his new movie?

I just – twee is the right word to explain him, right? Twee? Oh, no. That's not – that's not Wes Anderson. I'm thinking of Wes Anderson because his name also had a hotel. You're thinking of the Grand Budapest Hotel. The Grand Budapest Hotel. But he has a new movie, which is –

P.S. Fucking ruled. It was so great. Oh. Very reasonable opinion you have, Danielle. Sorry. However, I will speak up on behalf of that movie, which totally ruled. You know what? I bet Most Exotic Marigold Hotel was good, too. I think they came out kind of at the same time, and I got them confused in my head.

Sure, the two- Yeah, it's like how there was two asteroid movies one summer. Sure, two volcano movies. Two volcano movies. Yeah. And then two twee hotel movies. Dante's Peak, twee hotel movies, yeah. I think Most Exotic Marigold Hotel was-

It's old people. More of an old people Billy Elliot type situation. Old people Billy Elliot. It's a movie with old people for the Billy Elliot audience who want to watch an art movie but not a confusing art movie. No subtitles. Yeah. Got it.

Yeah. Got it. That's what it was. Brian, you said you had an update on a previous call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, and Sarah Morgan. It's Alana from New York here calling to say that I'm actually Australian. Props to Jordan for milkshake possum. that I'm actually Australian.

Props to Jordan for Milkshake Possum. Fun fact, Australians love flavored milks so much that in any grab-and-go counter, there's almost as many flavored milks as there are sodas. Besides chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla, we also have Jaffa, which is chocolate orange, honeycomb, banana, and wine. All right, guys, keep tuning down that track. Love you.

Nope. Number one, love you too. We love you too. Number two, I'm in on all of those. Oh, I hope the wildfires got that lime milk. Disgusting. Get rid of the kookaburras. Get rid of the lime milk.

Eddie's citrus milk. I never would have thought Danielle Koenig would come in here guns blazing for Jaffa milk. Holy ghost. Orange chocolate milk. Holy ghost. This is an – Orange chocolate milk? Come on. This is an – we should explain. This is an update from a call a few weeks ago.

There was – and see, not all of our callers are calling from Brooklyn. Sure. This one is calling from New York. No. From one of the other boroughs. Right. Green Point maybe. That's in Brooklyn.

That's a part of Brooklyn. Yeah. I was just trying to make a joke. Soho. But I also don't know anything about New York geography, so I also could have been getting Soho might be the Brooklyn of New York. Sure. Right?

Of Manhattan? Of Manhattan. I would say Brooklyn is the Brooklyn of New York. I meant Manhattan. Yes. New York is the Brooklyn of Manhattan. Well, can you also say New York to refer to the New York proper and NYC proper as Manhattan? No, that's the five boroughs.

New York is all of the boroughs. Is all of the boroughs. Okay. Manhattan is Manhattan. Anyway. Manhattan. We're all walking here. Then you got the island of Staten.

This is an update. A caller. We were arguing. They were calling about something. We don't know what it was. Oh, the shoe fight. Shoe fight on the train. Yeah.

Yeah. And we didn't know. Was that a bad seed situation? It was a real bad seed. They were fighting over a medal. Yeah. A shiny medal. It could have just been like an experiential site-specific theater experience.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. They love it in New York. Yeah. We were arguing about where her accent was from. So this is the caller calling in to tell us that it was, in fact, Australia, land of many milks. Jaffa milk. Jaffa milk.

You know what? Can I tell you something? Sometimes when I'm driving up to my cabin, I'll stop in Springville, California and go to the beautiful Town & Country Market. John Hodgman and I talked about this on Judge John Hodgman the other day, how we each have a favorite market. His is one that's on the way to MaxFunCon. Mine is Town & Country Market in Springville, California. Is it like a grab-and-go? What's some orange milks from the grab-and-go? Yeah?

Orange milks. It's just an enormous supermarket. Oh, I was picturing very tiny. No, enormous independent supermarket that has not been updated. It's like a supermarket from a movie from 1978. Okay. Just gargantuan. But neither fancy nor not fancy.

It just has one of every type of product. Is there a deli? Is there a – No. Is there a bakery? Okay. Everything's on shelves. Like there's kind of a deli but like not a deli that you would want to visit.

It's like Safeway. It's no less than Safeway. Less deli than Safeway. Less frills than anything you're imagining. Okay. They have the nice products and the less nice products. But just a huge expansive store. And there they have those kind of milk that comes in a glass jar.

And you're not sure what the- From the 50s? Yeah. But you don't know what the difference is between that milk and the carton milk, but one is a premium experience. So that one, they'll have like a 10-ounce flavored milk in a little glass jar,

you know, like a beautiful little glass jar. Sometimes I'll pick myself up a banana milk when I'm shopping for the cabin. I'll say to myself, you know what? This weekend, I'm going to carve out a little daddy time. To drink banana milk. To drink this banana milk out of this glass jar. And is it delicious?

I mean, it's about banana milk. I don't know. I've never had that. Like, it's kind of gross. Like, I don't know how you feel about like a banana pudding. I don't like banana flavored things. Real bananas, great. Flavored of gross. Like I don't know how you feel about like a banana pudding. I don't like banana flavored things. Real bananas, great. Flavored, gross.

Then you would truly hate it. Okay. It sounds repulsive. I've come to – I'm not supposed to eat chocolate. So I've come to really like a couple of like chocolate adjacent things. But you don't like coffee, which is chocolate adjacent. Coffee is chocolate adjacent. But I can't have coffee anyway.

Wait, why can't you have chocolate? Both are migraine triggers. Oh, right, right, right. Even milk chocolate is a migraine trigger? Yeah. I mean like I'll eat a chocolate chip cookie once in a while. Gotcha. Okay.

But like a banana or a butterscotch or caramel flavored thing are things that sort of do some of the same. Dopamine or whatever. Yeah. Okay. And so I've come to like a banana thing. It's gross, but it's the kind of gross that I like having a special occasion for. But do you, you don't share with your kids the banana milk or they're not there?

Oh, they don't get it. They don't get any. They don't get any. No, until they're 18. That's for daddy. Interesting. It seems like something specifically't get it. They don't get any. They don't get any. No banana milk for the kids. Until they're 18. That's for daddy. Interesting. Seems like something specifically

made for children. They have that for daddy. Strawberry milk or nothing. Yeah, I'll buy I'll bring some banana milk up there and I'll get a couple little cans of corned beef hash. That's for daddy's breakfast. This is like the opposite of my life. Like all the

things I wouldn't do. But okay. But I don't have a cabin. Maybe I'd be a completely different person if I had a cabin. Sure, yeah. Maybe get yourself that second home and then it's banana milk all the way. You got the summer cottage on the Cape. Sure, I do. Of course I do.

Sure, when you pull up your crab tracks. Right. Right. With the crab folk. With the crab folk. Yeah. Yeah. Did you get to eat any of the crab?

I did and I've never – I don't really eat crab and I'm a little skittish about eating animals. I said I eat fish. That's really all I eat. But I did it and it was kind of – I kind of liked the experience. I mean it was weird pulling apart something that used to be living. A lot of work. But it was delicious. I got to say it was delicious. I got to say, it was delicious.

You know, I should do this. I should maybe plan myself, you know, a vacation to this kind of like the northeast region. Yeah. And I haven't. I've never been. I've never visited anywhere in that zone. Right. I think that's just because when people kind of talk about the crab folk, I was envisioning

half human, half crabs. And I was scared. That wouldn't. Wait. but you play video games. That wouldn't be appealing to you? That seems like it would be fun. Yeah, well, that's why I play video games, to kind of process my fear of half human, half crabs. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Yeah, it's kind of why we like to watch home invasion movies, because it's your process and the fear. And that's, I think, why I play so much Zelda. Sure. I went to I play so much Zelda. Sure. I went to Martha's Vineyard once. My wife's friends from college, their parents had a house there. So all my wife's friends from college went there.

And they do have half crab, half human people there. This is turning into a wider than any cheers episode I've ever seen. But when I saw the crab men and women – That's the slogan of our podcast, the podcast that's wider than cheers. Wider than cheers. Yeah. We're hitting it all. Brooklyn, Wes Anderson. Merits of Wes Anderson.

Hot takes on. Martha's Vineyard. Yes. So I saw the different half-crab, half-human people, and I was scared too, but what I found myself more than anything else was aroused. Interesting. So if you go there,

just be prepared that it might hit you in an unexpected way. Because I was afraid going in, but I was tumescent as I left. Sure. But was it like, was it a sort of new lease on life? Were you happy that you found something new that – or was it scary? Did you start questioning everything about yourself?

I re-evaluated. Oh, okay. That's fair. I kind of did a check-in with myself and I found that at the end of the day, like we go through lives – or we go through our lives with all these kind of petty concerns. Our lives are so full of petty concerns. Oh, well, I have – what about my 401K? What about my car payment? Just so-and-so like me or whatever.

What am I going to have for lunch? Exactly. And at the end of the day, I sort of refocused on what was important, which for me is horniness. Sure. But, I mean, Jesse, I'm glad that you found something that, you know, a new source of pleasure for your life. Just look out. You're around those crab people and you're too messy. They'll snip it off. They've got a lot of different ways to do it. Yeah. They'll snip it right off.

And then skittle away sideways. And then skittle away sideways, which is arousing. I think different ways to do it. Yeah. We'll snip it right off. And then skittle away sideways. And then skittle away sideways. Which is arousing. I think it would be worth it. I think it would feel mocking. If they're just like, they take it and they're like, skittle away. You're right. No, no, no, no, no.

They don't even care. They don't even care that they've snipped it off. They don't? They don't even care. They don't. Oh, I wish. I only wish. No don't. I only wish the Jordan Desico

listener could have experienced the pure aesthetic joy of Danielle depicting the man snipping off a penis and then scuttling away. In which it scuttled. Some space work.

Some characters. Some really great scuttling. Well, I told you I went to an arts high school. That space work. It's a great. Some characters. Some really great scuttling. Well, I told you I went to an arts high school. That's what it all amounted to. Sure, yeah. Yep. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Hi, I'm Dave Hill from before. And I'm very excited to bring Dave Hill's podcasting incident back to Maximum Fun where it belongs. You can get brand new episodes every Friday on MaximumFun.org or, you know, wherever. And while my partner Chris Gersbeck and I might lack in specific subject matter on our podcast, we make up for in special effects. Chris, add something cool Right here Also we have explosions

Animal noises And sometimes even this Dave Hill's podcasting incident Every Friday on Maximum Fun Chris do another explosion right here La la la la la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey, you've reached Dr. Game Show. Leave your message after the beep.

Hello, this is Steve from Albany talking about my favorite podcast, Dr. Game Show. Dr. Game Show is a show where listeners submit their crazy ideas for game shows, and the two hosts have to play them, and they often bring in celebrities and small children to share in the pain and hilarity. At first, it might seem like Jo Firestone has a contentious relationship with listeners, but that is only mostly true. She actually really respects us. It's a lot like Lethal Weapon, where Jo is like,

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America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Danielle Koenig, wearer of shoes. That's true. She's not lying. Nope. Where's the shoes? She's not here to fucking lie to us. Indoors.

Indoors, outdoors, wherever she pleases. Up in the sky. Hey, Danielle, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but did you wear some shoes when you went out crabbing? Yeah. They might have been flip-flops. Still a shoe. Still a shoe. I think you had the right shoes for that situation.

Well, I take a dance class every Saturday, and it's a hip-hop class. That's important for the story. And there's a woman who just started who doesn't wear any shoes, and I cannot not judge her. I think it's the weirdest fucking thing. Oh, man. I got to tell her. I think it's the weirdest fucking thing. Oh, man. I got to tell you. Potentially dangerous. What's the floor like in this place?

It's... I think it's wood. I think it's wood. I don't know. Yeah, like a parquet. Yeah. Maybe spring-loaded. Maybe a little spring-loaded.

Could be partly spring-loaded. Michelle, my Afro-Haitian dance teacher when I was in high school. Every fucking cliche I could think of comes up. It's amazing. Yeah. She never wore shoes and no one has ever not worn shoes more. She was getting the fuck down though. Michelle was getting down.

Wait. Was she the teacher you said? Yeah. And what kind of dancing was it? Afro-Haitian. Afro-Haitian. I don't think that's as inappropriate as not wearing shoes for hip-hop. Yeah, was she the teacher, you said? Yeah. And what kind of dancing was it? Afro-Haitian. I don't think that's as inappropriate as not wearing shoes for

hip-hop. Yeah, that's probably true. And it's a crowded class. I just think she's going to get her feet smashed. Who's your teacher, Rosie Perez? No. Does she teach hip-hop? It'd be awesome if she did. I mean, she was the choreographer at the Fly Girls. That's what made me think of her. Oh, that's right. She was. Yeah. I did once

take a class with, what's her face? Kariana Nava. Ooh. No, my teacher's name is Lucky, and he recently choreographed a video for a song called Pussy Fairy. Oh. You heard it here. Wow.

Yeah. Sure. Is this what breaking a record is? Yeah. The words weren't, oh, am I being, am I swearing too much? No. Oh. Not enough, if anything. The words aren't in the song i'm sure annabelle won't appreciate was that her name annabelle

she shouldn't be listening to this program um i've uh i should be focusing on her acting career no kidding i got my uh my we work card revoked i had a free WeWork card from a friend whose company has folded, I think. Wow. Much like WeWork will soon. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the company folded right before the WeWork itself would. Back to the library for you, Jordan. Well, it's the library or the Burbank Aquatic Center.

I work with my underwater laptop. There's a Writer's Guild Lounge, which I quite like, but there's a no-shoes guy. At the Writer's Guild Lounge? On Fairfax and 3rd? Yeah. Is he a guild member? I guess. I think you have to be a guild member to use it.

You get a little sticker when you go in. Yeah. Unacceptable. That seems like the basis for revocation of guild privileges. You shouldn't be able to maintain your health insurance. I mean, if I had to let go of my agent, they should have to put some fucking shoes. This guy should have to put on some fucking shoes. I know.

And he's like set up to. He clearly comes early and just sets up, you know, a whole thing, laptop, notebooks, Trader Joe's bag of food and just whips off his shoes and hangs out. So he owns shoes he's not wearing them there The shoes are next to the chair, yes, I can see the shoes Is he wearing socks? I've seen him in socks and no socks

Is he like a celebrity screenwriter? Is it Joe Asterhaus? This guy does not look like he is from the age He has clearly started writing He's young enough to where he started writing in a time after celebrity screenwriter was a thing okay after diablo cody was the final celebrity screenwriter right uh this guy probably he's not that much older than me he might be even be younger than me um but yeah he's uh he's just fucking

are the feet on the ground? Is he putting them on chairs? He does little kicks in the air. No, they're on the ground. He's not like putting them up on a stool or anything. It's still gross. He's stretched out. He has like a long slump.

So if he's just going to act like he's at home, why isn't he just right at home? Yeah, right. That's what I think. I say right at home. Gross. Anyway. You know what? I say live your life, man.

Wow. You're pro this guy, huh? You know what I think you should do? You're coming out on the side of the shoeless. You know what I think you should do, Jordan? He's got his shoes off. Take out a ball. Take out a testicle?

A testicle? Yeah. No. Just one? Just one. Just one. Yeah. Let it just splay out there.

Maybe as the cool air hits it, you'll get an inspiration to write Basic Instinct 3. Yeah. Or? Wait, are you Joe Westerhaus? It's still Joe Westerhaus? I've been Joe Westerhaus the whole time. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Was I canceled? I don't know. Probably. We don't remember. I don't know. You look so young. If it turns out I was canceled, don't know. Probably. We don't remember. I don't know. You look so young. If it turns out I was canceled, Brian, cut this out. Did I talk like this?

Yeah, probably. Did I write Starship Troopers? I don't know. Who knows? Maybe so. Maybe I did. Probably wrote an autobiography with a shiny cover. That's my memory.

Yes, that's me. Well, off to get canceled. Come on. We're pretty gifted impressionists, too. That's right. You really are. It's eerie. Don't drag me.

I don't want to be dragged for maybe writing Starship Troopers, which maybe I did. Daniel Koenig, what are you up to these days? Joe Dante? Where can people get more Daniel Koenig, what are you up to these days? Joe Dante? Where can people get more Daniel Koenig? Well, I'm writing on a podcast that hasn't started yet. Yes. I don't. Don't care for them.

It's a scripted podcast starring and co-created by Rainn Wilson of The Office. And I think it's going to be called Dark Air with Terry Carnation. And he plays a kind of Art Bell type character who hosts a radio show that is of the paranormal, but it's a scripted thing. So it's not all – some of it is the radio show and some of it is what's going on in his life. Get a little peek behind the scenes. A little peeky-boo. And I mean I read the pilot.

I think it's hilarious. And so hopefully it will be great. Is this going to be a publicly available podcast? Is it a platform-specific podcast? I don't know yet. It's like super brand new. But I would just say look out for it. Yeah.

I think it will be super fun. I'll be keeping an eye out. That sounds great. Yeah. I'm a big – I definitely had an Art Bell phase. I did too. And yeah, it's a fascinating little world. And also a Phil Hendry phase where I probably learned about Art Bell.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. In a pre-podcast day where you had to drive around at night. That's right. And listen in. That's right. A lot of fun.

So that's about what I'm doing. That's exciting. Plus, of course, Law & Order parody from the WGA Awards. Sure. A lot of fun. So that's about what I'm doing. That's exciting. Plus, of course, Law & Order parody from the WGA Awards. Sure, go with that. Probably on YouTube. Actually, I tried to find stuff from the awards show, and I think they took it down a few days later.

It was weird. I don't know. But our host was on a gas tire, and she was fantastic. Ah, that's great. Lovely and talented. Yeah, she sings. Oh my god. She sang her heart out. She's amazing. Lovely and talented. Yeah, she sings. Oh my God, she sang her heart out. She's amazing. Can she hoof?

She probably can hoof. She didn't hoof on our show. Why not? We didn't have her hoof. We didn't have her hoof. You know who's a great choreographer? Rosie Perez. Lucky.

Lucky's really good too. Well, if the video for the song – Pussy Fairy. I was going to say Pussy Cobbler. Thank you for correcting me. But backstage at the awards, I just thought of this because she commented on what a good singer Anna was, was Gwyneth Paltrow, who looks so much like Gwyneth Paltrow. You know what I mean? Like she's just as shiny and expensive looking in person as she is in pictures. I can only imagine. You know what I mean? Like she's just as shiny and expensive looking in person as she is in pictures. I can only imagine.

You know what I mean? It was just like weird. She gets buffed before she leaves the house each day. She does. I think she has a whole polish going on. She gets a detail on every Sunday. She does. And she gets the hard wax.

And the air freshener. That's why she always smells like clean linen. Well, you know the candle. That's true. The famous goop candle. The goop candle. Smells like clean lemon. Well, you know the candle. That's true. The famous goop candle. The goop candle. Smells like her vagina. Even the word goop is disgusting, right?

Can we agree? It's just gross. It's gross. Ugh. But it's a successful business for some reason. Yep. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of white, rich women, I guess.

Lifestyle? Sure. That's a word I can just say. Sure. Pelvic health. Yeah. I can say that. Yeah.

I miss a time where brand couldn't describe a person. Yeah. You know? Sure. Yeah. I'm old fashioned. Back in the days where Kirkland's signature meant something. Yes.

Thank you. A company that gives me my tires and my muffins. More of a Safeway Select man. Oh. And that's a good brand too. Are you guys too young to remember plain wrap? I don't recognize plain wrap. Oh.

There used to be a thing. I was going to make actually a reference when you said that that supermarket has like really old stuff or whatever. But it would literally be a blue stripe around the product with maybe like a black border and it would say towels or napkins or there were more than just paper goods. Oh, yeah. Chips. Oh, sure.

It was literally plain wrap. Like all of the food on Roseanne. Oh, did they do that on Roseanne? Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, it was a real thing in supermarkets. Yeah. They still have that in Canadian supermarkets. They do?

Which I know because the folks who make it came to a Judge John Hodgman show. Oh, yeah? Because Hodgman made friends with them because he loves those things so much. He does? They're bright yellow, and they just say the name of the thing in a sans serif font. It may literally be Helvetica. In fact, I actually – now that I think about it, we made a T-shirt and we had to like – we had to license Helvetica new in order to make the T-shirt inspired by – Did it say shirt?

It's called No Name is the brand. Oh, OK. Because that was sort of a joke at the time with the plain wrap was you would wear a t-shirt that said shirt in the same thing. Exactly. That's the thing. And I'm looking at a tote bag that they gave me right now. I'll show it to you on our way out. Does it say bag?

It says merch because they gave us gifts in it. Oh, merch. That's good. I like that. They gave us gifts in it. Yeah. We got ping pong balls and playing cards and flip flops. Oh.

Yeah. It was really fun. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez us gifts in it. Yeah. We got ping pong balls and playing cards and flip flops. Oh. Yeah. It was really fun. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com. You can find us on Facebook where you can like Jordan Jesse Go. We like to share updates about what our guests are going on. Absolutely. Probably when this Rainn Wilson podcast starring Daniel Koenig comes out.

Oh, I'm writing on it. Yeah, you're the star of it. Starring the words of. I mean, I might be doing it going to- Yeah, you're the star of it. Starring the words of. I mean, I might be doing it for her. No, you're the- I don't know. Let's, guys, let's not get into it. Rain, if you're listening,

let Daniel do a voice. Let her be a crab person. She's already got the physicality. Rain listens. So does Oscar Nunez. Oh, the whole cast of The Office listens to Jordan Jesse go. Right.

Every single one of them. Soup to nuts. Ed Helms, Angela Kinsey. The guy who was in The Grassroots. Every single one of them. Soup to nuts. Ed Helms. Angela Kinsey. The guy who was in The Grassroots. Oh, Creed. Yeah. Creed Bratton.

There you go. Bullgang. Leslie. Yeah. What's his face? Sure. Yeah. Him.

Whole nine yards. But yeah, definitely. I know the show doesn't have an air date yet, but we will definitely throw it up on the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook page as soon as it comes out. So go ahead and like that and then you'll see the updates. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of that band and their label, Light in the Attic Records. Very kind of them to share that with us. Great band, great music.

You should go. Kites are fun. The best of the free design. Beautiful collection of free design songs. Amazing band. We don't get paid when they use that song in a commercial. When that song is in a commercial, everybody tells us about it.

We should get paid. We should get paid, yeah. For popularizing the song. Since they were nice enough to let us use it for free for our stupid podcast. We deserve the royalties. Okay, that's all. Goodbye.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye-bye. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.