Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 631: Horny Nation with Emily V. Gordon

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

Emily V. Gordon (Little America on AppleTV+, Staying In podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how everyone's relationships with their pets have evolved, what Jesse should do with the giant salami his mom sent him, and Jordan's newest neighborhood mystery involving a dog named Hash Brown. Plus, Jesse shaved his beard!!Action Item: Have you ever played erotic D&D? Heard of a D&D game getting horny? Let us know! 206-984-4FUN or [e-mail]!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Babyface Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, justice for Hashbrown. Wow, it sounds like we really have a lot to unpack this week on Jordan Jesse Goh, Jordan. Yeah, four hour episode, I haven't talked to anyone in days. I'm sure you've talked to Bug. Well, yeah, that's true.

But we do that through our psychic link. It's all in my head like Jean Grey in Professor X. I'm babyface not because i became a professional wrestler i know that's a wrestling thing it's either a good guy or a bad guy i can't remember which one um i think a baby face is a good guy and a heel is a bad guy does that sound right to you jordan uh you know what let us know listeners we know you know this just at jordan underscore morris yes at jordan uh you know what uh let us know listeners we know you know this just at jordan underscore morris yes at jordan underscore morris and which one was brutus the barber beefcake let me know i uh i i went to the i went to the mountains for a week because my my kids were on spring break which god thank god uh the the prospect of being home plus uh making that making my children go to

digital school when i didn't even like regular school uh it is very it was very difficult it was a little easier when no one had to go to school digital school is probably pretty fun right it's like it's just like ready player one or jacking into the matrix or something all you do is play Reader Rabbit. Maybe these days kids put on VR headsets and went inside a museum and taught Thomas Edison how to invent a bike. I don't know if he invented a bike or not. They put on a VR headset and then they can touch the actual Mavis beacon.

Wow. Yeah. Give a hearty handshake to Carmen Sandiego. Yes, exactly. So I got home from the mountains and I had just an immense emotional crash. I went insane in the space of 12 hours of being back in my house. Yeah. And, uh, you know, I'm just like, I'm just, I'm like, okay, I'm just going to stew some black eyed peas. I'm just like, I'm trying to do things to be productive. Right. Listen, I'm just going to prepare a Southern new year's lunch. Exactly. And I took, I, I went out in the early afternoon, I loaded all my kids into the minivan and went on a nap drive. My goal was to get the three-year-old to fall asleep. So

the other two, they get to use their tablets while they're in there. So they love it. And then the three-year-old hopefully will fall asleep if I just drive around randomly for an hour. And then the three-year-old hopefully will fall asleep if I just drive around randomly for an hour. And that worked. But during that time, I became progressively more insane. By the time I came home, I had decided to give myself a haircut and shave off my beard. And what did that do for your mental state? I think it illustrated it vividly.

Oh, right. So you imagine a movie is being made of this, of which you Oh, right. Yes. So you're imagining you're, a movie's being made of this, of which you are the star. Yes. And this is showing your descent. Or that I'm preparing to play myself in a movie, but the insane version

of myself. Now, I know we're probably too far into the movie for you to do anything about this, but when it all started, did you save a cat? The first rule of screenwriting you got to

save the cat at the first act so the audience likes you so uh i i shaved my head down to number one half on the shaver and i did a great job of that i did that this is the second time i've given myself a haircut uh during the quarantine era and it went great. I went ahead, got everything the same length, worked it out. It's only been a couple of weeks. Seems like too many haircuts. Go ahead. Nope. When your hair is this short, you have to give yourself a haircut at least every two weeks.

At least every two weeks, especially when it's all the same length. You know, I don't... Listen, sorry. It's all self-care. It's all good. Yeah. I also gave myself a hot stone massage, speaking of self-care. I just heated up a bucket of stones and dumped it over my head. Is that how that works? Yeah. Hey, you know, it's all self-care. If it felt right to you, then it was right.

So I shaved off my beard. I had to warn all my children that I was shaving off my beard. Teresa showed all my kids pictures of me with no beard because none of them really remember it because even Grace was like two or three years old when I grew my beard. So none of them remember me not having a beard. They all watched and participated. And at the end, they just started saying, you look very different. You look very... What do you mean participated? Did you let them each have a whack at it? I had them videotape it. And they did actually, I let Grace run the shaver over my head once. Okay. And then at the end, Oscar, my six-year-old, looked at me and he said, Daddy, I love you. You look very different.

You're a little bit scary. Wow. You are less scary without the beard to them. Yes. Significantly less scary without the... No, I'm more scary without the beard. Yes. And I went inside and looked in the mirror and I got to agree with Oscar. It looks terrible. I hate it. And whatever benefits I imagined in terms of like not touching my face or being more comfortable to wear a mask or just doing a big thing to make myself, you know, Britney Spears

style. And again, you don't have to say anything. It's, you know, it's obviously a private matter between, you know, you and your wife. I would guess cunnilingus, go ahead. Yeah, sure. That's, that's, that's. I would, I don't know. I don't know. I've, I've, I've never had a beard and I've never been intimate with anyone. So I don't know. I'll just say, rather than speaking specifically to my sex life with my wife, I'll say that she did say to me, we're going to do a lot of kissing. So she likes my beard. It's not against her will, but she and I are going to do a lot of smooching.

You guys are going to third base, huh? My hope is, wait a minute. Again, I've never had any kind of intimacy the base system is very different from me first base psychic link with the cat yeah right second base is the nes game base wars oh Yeah, that's good. And third base, a nice pack. I can't wait to get a nice pack. So I hate it. I hate myself. I can only imagine how Britney Spears felt. But the good news is that no matter how many times they drug test me, they won't be able to get enough hair to find out what drugs I was using. So that's good news. Should we introduce our guest on the program and then talk about hash browns? Actually, it's hash brown singular.

Oh, thank you very much. We'll get to it. We'll get to it. Our guest on the program is an old friend of Jordan Jessie Go. She is the co-creator of the television show Little America, on which she is also an executive producer and a writer. on which she is also an executive producer and a writer. She also has recently returned triumphantly to the world of podcasting with a brand new charity cast designed specifically to run us out of business called Staying In with Emily and Kumail. Our guest is Emily Gordon. Hi, Emily. How are you?

Hello. Finally, my plan is coming to fruition and I can run you guys out of town. You know what? Even though this is bad for me, I'm going to say it's about time. I think that's fair. No one wants this more than me. Emily, as long as the charity is podcasters who have a very similar audience to yours, but much smaller, then I think this is a great idea. Yeah. I mean, if I could kill a couple of birds with one stone, then that's really all I'm

looking for. The charity is nice. Emily, I have two questions for you before I talk about anything related to myself. Let's do this. One, we haven't talked in a while. How is your cat bagel? Oh, she's great. She's thriving in the apocalypse. Yeah, she's great. Yeah. There was like about a week and a half where she did not, she got very tired of us and was like hiding from us in the house. And now she's like fully back in

to like, okay, I want to be, I'm going to have you in eyesight at all points in time. And now she's like fully back in to like, okay, I want to be I'm going to have you an eyesight at all points in time. And so that's kind of I had to lock her out of this room, in fact, because otherwise she just meow, meow, meow walks in circles, cannot handle me being on a podcast without her. So doing great. Emily, can I ask a couple because I don't know your cat bagel. Never met your cat bagel. Can I ask a couple of cat, just sort of mind's eye questions. First of all, what breed of cat is your cat Bagel, fat or skinny? Those are the two breeds. She is a stray cat.

She was a kitten of a stray cat, a pregnant stray cat that someone found. But she looks like a Russian blue, which are like these like very pretty gray. She's like a very pretty gray cat. Um, and she's skinny. I've actually, I've never been able to have a fat cat. I have attempted, but I can't seem to, uh, get a cat to eat enough to really get those fun little roly poly where they sit up like a person. That's one of my goals in life. And I have not achieved that goal yet. Yet. Yeah. I mean, you're not going to find a lot of fat cats in Northeast Los Angeles. You're going to have to, you're going to have to head over to Tammany Hall in New York. She's a Brooklyn cat though. She was born in a, in a playground in Brooklyn. So, I mean,

you would think I got, I got a couple of things going for me, but no, I can't seem to fatten her up whatsoever. But she's my best friend, and I talk to her constantly. I also, the volume of talking that I do to my dogs has expanded exponentially. It's huge. At this point, I definitely already liked my dog, one of my two dogs, more than my children. And the other one is catching up fast. And they both have earned full human privileges in my home. Like 100%. They get treated.

I try and treat all the children the same, including the dogs at this point. You're giving them driver's lessons, right? Yeah, exactly. And Kraft macaroni and cheese. I've started talking to the squirrels in our yard so much that I went out into my backyard, heard a squirrel like tittering, looked up and saw a squirrel like high up on like a telephone pole. And I went, oh, I see you up there. That's, I'm proud of you. That's great. Like I just like, like a child asking for my hand. I'm proud of you. That's great. Like I just like a child asking for my hand. I'm proud of you. You're an MST, we should mention, a marriage and squirrel therapist.

That is absolutely correct. Got to really get that self-esteem. And then you left a little booklet of McDonald's gift certificates outside, like for a kid who gets a good report card. Tangible goals. It's about tangible goals. There's a kind of just to round out some pet chat. My cat is having a nice time with me in my work from home situation. I can say this definitively we have a psychic link um but she's having just a general problem with um like outdoor cats going by the window where she can see them and then she feels like she needs to go into like sentry mode oh so yeah there's a lot of outdoor cat and

i think the outdoor cats are just getting bolder because you know humanity is retreated inside so they have the run of the neighborhood. But, yeah, so she is kind of pacing back and forth in front of the little window. Just making sure that if there's any cat out there, it gets growled at. Yeah, very important. Because who knows what kind of, you know, scenting would be done if she wasn't here there would be so much uh unpleasant scenting and um there's just one little guy who keeps coming in front of the window and he's you know he clearly has a home he's got a little collar and he has like a fancy little walk

and the last time i saw him i i uh i just said well if it isn't the king of the neighborhood wow this is where you are you You've anointed a king. That's right. I now pledge fealty to the cat. And if I should ever get married, he can lay with my wife on our wedding. That's so gracious of you. Thank you.

You're a very good subject. Yeah. Well, he's been anointed by God. I took my kids out on the aforementioned napping drive earlier today. And I took my wife's minivan because it's easier for the little one to fall asleep in. And I was driving kind of randomly through a neighborhood called El Sereno that's about two neighborhoods over from mine. And I was up in the hills. And I got to this part of, you're in Los Angeles, there are

these weird parts of Los Angeles where you're like, wait, am I on a dirt road? And you're like, oh, I guess I am on a dirt road. Am I still in Los Angeles? Yes, I guess I am. And on one of those, I got up somewhere and I looked in front of me and I'm like, what a weird squirrel. And then I was like, holy shit, that's a bunny rabbit. I fucking slammed on the brakes, threw it into park, took my six-year-old's seat belt off, grabbed him by the sweatshirt, pulled him into the area in between the two front seats of the van, made him look at the bunny rabbit and almost started crying. Well, we're all doing great. Did your child have a reaction to seeing the bunny rabbit?

He thought it was nice. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing that I've done when I've like gotten really intense about showing someone some nature and I'm so hepped up. And, and like, by the time I'm doing it, I'm like, like out of breath and screaming. And the person's like, yeah, it's a skunk. That's cool. Like, and then I just seem like a real

bonkers person. Emily, you've been a screenwriter for quite a number of years now. But before that, as we alluded to, you are a mental health professional. That is correct. Do you know the secrets to staying sane? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a small amount. All you have to do is give me like $10 to $15 a pop, and I'm happy to tell you what those secrets are because I've got them. Oh, what's your Venmo? Say your Venmo. Yeah, yeah.

You can cash at me or whatever, and then I'll dole them out. I definitely have them. I definitely don't cry randomly all the time. So I'm good, and I'm happy to give them to you for a small fee. No, I have no idea. It's so that's the thing that we keep saying. And what I always try to think of with mental health, when I was a therapist was, am I dealing with a extraordinary person, meaning a person with like pretty florid mental illness in an ordinary situation? Or am I dealing with an ordinary person who is in an extraordinary situation, like a parent dying or like a divorce? This is a extraordinary situation for all of us. Like none of us know how to handle this. There's no blueprint.

It's going to create at least four new jokers. I was about to say, imagine how hard an extraordinary situation like this is for an extraordinary person like Spider-Man. Absolutely true. Spider-Man cannot make jokes and get out of this. Do you know what I mean? There's no witticisms. Spidey sense.

Can't whip your way out of this one, buddy. Can't do anything. Yeah. There's nothing that Spider-Man can do. It's a very very uh bizarre situation so i don't think anybody's really handling it perfectly because i don't we don't know what that looks like the good news for spider-man is he doesn't have to go on etsy to get a mask that's true are there filters in the spidey mask though i don't know there's probably

you know what are there filters do you you think? Here's my theory. My theory is, yes, there are filters in the Spider-Man masks. And because Spider-Man, a.k.a. Peter Parker, is a community-minded guy, he donated all the Spider-Man masks to hospitals. So right now there's a bunch of RNs walking around in Spider-Man masks. Look out, nurse. You've got a symbiote. Spider-Man masks. Look out, nurse. You've got a symbiote.

And I will say I have a new appreciation for Spider-Man because just like going on walks, wearing a mask over your nose and mouth. And like when you go up a hill, I cannot breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating. And I'm like, people are fighting in these things. Like superheroes are just going to town while wearing these things over their faces? Absolutely not. Yeah, I need like a big respirator like Darth Vader. Well, you would donate that too.

You would have to donate that too. And a lot of people are saying that, you know, the heroes in this situation are, you know, like people doing food service, grocery workers, people on the front lines. And like, yes, they are heroes, but I would say that the real heroes are the spider people. Yeah, that's true.

Peter Parker, Miles Morales, Jessica Drew. So I think what you're saying is that the real heroes are the heroes. Yes. That's my hot take for this episode is that the heroes are the heroes. Emily, speaking of coping mechanisms, I've been dying to talk to you about this period just because we haven't chatted in a while. You know, pandemic aside, what video games are you enjoying? I always enjoy talking to you about video games. You always have cool and interesting stuff you're playing. Are you playing any good games and are any of them animal crossing

um i did start playing animal crossing uh like two weeks ago i got about three days in and then i spilled water all over our switch oh boy yeah we really really did it uh and immediately put it in rice for 24 hours and uh the net result is the switch still works as a console but it no longer works as a handheld device so i oh interesting yeah so i cannot i don't see a world where i'm playing animal crossing i don't even know if it's possible now that if playing animal crossing on a on like a big on a tv like rather than handheld. Um, so I have not essentially my, my little animal crossing town has, has drowned. It is, uh, washed away in a flood. And, uh, so I haven't played it in like a week now. The only animal crossing I've played is the original animal crossing,

which was very fruit centric. Uh, so I guess my question is, have you grown any interesting fruit trees? I didn't get a chance to Jordan. Have you grown any interesting fruit trees? I didn't get a chance to. Jordan, have you grown any interesting fruit trees? Well, no. We talked about this a little bit on a previous episode. But I, boy, I do not under, I know about video games. And I see the kind of social media phenomenon that Animal Crossing has been. And, you know, I like looking at everybody's little towns. Do I like it when someone somehow gives their little

guy a dead kennedy shirt yes i like that do i do i like when someone recreates the final bonfire from midsummer in animal crossing somehow yes i like that but i genuinely do not understand how this game is played i i am i, I'm not a fan of this kind of like, you know, ongoing life sim type thing. And I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm just, I don't understand what's going on and I need someone to explain it to me. Well, and here's, what's interesting about that game is that normally you pick it up and you play it for like an hour. And then the idea is it's like it's in real time. So like, if you start a project, it won't be done until tomorrow, you can only get a certain amount of fruit out of a tree in a day, and then it has to replenish all that stuff. Now, that was all great

when I was a super busy person who had lots of stuff going on and could only pick it up for like 30 minutes at a time a day. It's a little different now. So I'm a little curious. I haven't actually talked to a lot of people who are playing it. I don't know what they're doing all day on it. Because at a certain point, I'm like, well, I'm done for the day. I guess I'll check in tomorrow. And we're kind of not in that place where like, I have, I now have the time to hang out for a long time on that game. And it doesn't seem super, no pun intended, fruitful for me. So I don't know. I don't know what's happening with that. Like just at a very basic level, what buttons do you push and what do they do?

Yeah, where's the goddamn kick button, Emily? Where is the kick button? Why are there no glory kills? Teach Jordan the combos. Teach Jordan the combos. Yeah, there's a lot of really, really great combos where you can talk to your friends and catch an insect at the same time. Yeah, I hear you. Oh, shit. I got to start memorizing hit boxes.

It's maybe not. To me, I'm a little surprised that people are using it or considering it the game of the pandemic for them. Because it doesn't feel quite like it's not scratching that itch for me. Now, have I been kind of longing to pick the Sims back up? Absolutely. I have, have I, have I done it yet?

No. We have been playing a lot of Mario party on the switch. Oh yeah. We're playing that together, which is like just a fun hour long, like just have a good time and like competitive gaming situation which is is good i found that a lot of the games that were very stressful we were playing now just feel overwhelming and not not great no i have been playing a game called overland myself which is

like a um it's like a turn-based strategy game where you're like trying to get away from aliens and it's like panel by panel you're just like can're trying to get away from aliens. And it's panel by panel. You're just like, can I get through this panel? Then I get to the next one. And I tried to play it a few days ago. And I felt stressed out and overwhelmed. This is definitely a time where you have the games that challenge you. And you have the games that distract you.

And I do not want a game that challenges me a hardcore amount right now. That's where I'm at. Not to brag, guys, but my baseball mogul Oakland A's team just won the World Series. Okay, all right. So somebody's thriving. Yeah, that's my fictional starting pitcher who just won the Cy Young. Does that game feel stressful to play or is it just relaxing or is it both no it is uh it is truly like you know there was a period where uh i was playing a game that we here on the program noah's starman farm

game oh stardew valley yeah and i love that game and and i realized that i was playing it both mindlessly and compulsively and was like truly getting nothing out of the experience of playing it. Like for a while I had fun doing it. And then after that, it was just like, uh, it was just like, uh, plugging back into the weird drip of whatever it was, uh, with no, no remaining endorphins left. I can empathize with that 100%. I was like, oh, this is my part-time job that I hate. Yeah. But I kept doing it for quite some time. And that game is...

The nice thing about my baseball game is while I don't get that much out of it, and I'm too good at it at this point for it to be particularly challenging. There's like enough pieces to move around, uh, and enough surprises, uh, that I can just do it for a long time at a time, especially if I'm like doing something else, cause it doesn't require full attention. Uh, and that is like the distraction like a little bit of of nothingness uh is great it's even better than when i do heroin although i don't feel as good but why would you and it doesn't inspire the great jazz albums that i have made some if you guys have heard jesse thorn live at the village gate

you know what the horse does for me yeah sure i mean it's those notes you aren't playing are great and i've heard that that's what it's about yeah a little bit of nothingness is kind of the perfect way to describe exactly what i'm looking for and kind of everything right now. Just a little bit of nothingness would be great. I wanted to. I am having my days, you know, I have some work from home projects. I have some, you know, a couple of shows I'm enjoying. I've got a couple of games that I'm playing. But I would say that the bulk of my days are wondering what the fuck my neighbors are doing.

I mean, that's something that you weren't not doing before that's true yes i would say that yeah the the the amount of time i am i am spending wondering what the fuck my neighbors are doing has climbed i would say a good 40 percent um you know will i at some point have to turn it into some sort of serial like investigative podcast? Probably. Maybe there's a chance. Yeah. This could be my S town. I wanted to ask you, you guys, if you are also experiencing a like hyper awareness of what your neighbors are up to. I will say I've been talking to my neighbors more, which is very upsetting for me. I love, they're very kind people, but I'm always a little like, oh, I can't,

I'm always like, I don't want to be the person who's like, oh, and then my neighbor just hangs out. I don't want a Kramer. Do you know what I mean? That's basically what I'm saying. I don't want a Kramer. Sure, none of us wants a Kramer. None of us wants a Kramer,

but my neighbors are very nice and I find that I've been talking to them more. And then I feel like their children are just always out outside running around screaming. And I kind of want to be upset by that. And then I'm like, hey, I mean, if I had kids, I'd be like, go outside and scream. Just please go somewhere and scream somewhere else. So yeah, I haven't really been keeping, I've been keeping track of the squirrels and the birds more than I've been keeping track of the people, the people I've just been like saying hi to. And I'm sure they know me as crazy bird and squirrel lady, because I just, they can just hear me interacting with them on a regular basis. I, I only have one, I only have one neighbor. Uh, they, because I live on a weird street that is mostly people's backyards.

because I live on a weird street that is mostly people's backyards. And my neighbors just moved in maybe two months ago, something like that, three months ago. They've been very nice. But recently, my birthday is coming up, and my mom mail-ordered me an enormous – this is going to sound vulgar, but my mom mail-ordered me an enormous salami. I don't see anything salacious about cured meats. Okay. I know, Jordan, that you aren't like I am, a charcuterie fetishist.

Yeah, I only get off on fondue, baby. She mail-ordered me a four-pound salami. And I know that my children are going to refuse to eat it. Because they already have their type of salami that is the only kind they'll eat, I'm sure. Do you want to invite some neighborhood cats over to have a little as a treat? That's a meme. I know. Well, I already brought Heathcliff over.

Do you guys know that meme? Cats can have a little salami as a treat? Yeah. Yes. Okay. It's a meme i know well i already brought heathcliff over do you guys know that memes cats can have a little salami as a treat yeah yes okay it's a meme just making sure everyone's familiar with the meme yeah yeah i get i get a little meme newsletter every day delivered straight to my it's to my mailbox which is crazy it comes in the mail oh wow that's that's fun people don't write letters anymore people don't write meme newsletters like they used to. So I have this four-pound salami that is really nice. It's great salami. It was a very thoughtful gift, I guess, of my mom. But I was like, there's no way I'm going to eat four pounds of salami.

Even if I eat salami three days a week for the next six months, I'm going to struggle to eat four pounds of salami. Even if I eat salami three days a week for the next six months, I'm going to struggle to eat four pounds of salami. So I was like, I got to get rid of some of this salami. And I've been thinking very seriously about how weird it would be if I text messaged my neighbors and asked if they wanted a piece of my giant salami. Yeah. I would say phrase it exactly like that. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. If you can draw a little, you know i would say phrase it exactly like that yeah i think that's a good idea if you can draw a little you know how that we never none of us ever use it that little touchscreen thing that you can text where you can draw something oh yeah just draw it with a with a question mark or i would say you know draw the salami but i also know you have

those great grapefruits i would say offer them them too. Yeah. So draw the salami. Yeah. And the two grapefruits. Two grapefruits, one salami, yeah. Yeah. And do me a favor and send that at about 2.10 in the morning. I'd say 2.10 is a perfect time. Wait, hold on.

If I'm going to... But make sure they're up. Make sure they're up. Ask if they're up. Check and see if they're up, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don't think anybody would want any.

I can't think of a single thing my neighbors would offer me right now that I wouldn't be like, get that away from me immediately. Salami might be at the very top or bottom of that list, depending on how I'm organizing the list. or bottom of that list, depending on how I'm organizing the list. I mean, if you're going to organize that list, it's got to be Dewey Decimal, right? Yeah, definitely Dewey Decimal. Sure, if you want people to be able to find it in the card catalog. I say put it on microfilm.

Emily, you mentioned when I was clarifying what your credit was on Little America, your new television program, you mentioned that you are writing one now, that you had written one previously and are writing one now. Have you managed any productivity? I have, actually. It's been kind of up and down. I feel like for the, I have a couple of different writing things happening now that I have to like, I need to be working on. And so I'm feel like I'm doing okay at like tackling writing, but what I'm not as good at in this current state is like, if I have to come up with like a fun, silly, random thing. Like, oh, this person needs to have like a specific weird quirk. Oh, I could come up with anything. And usually I love coming up with stuff like that.

And right now it just feels like the dumbest thing to even consider doing. Like my brain. Can I suggest man with too much salami? What's he going to do with all this salami? You know, the quirky neighbor character with all the salami he keeps on. Ah, Kramer type. Yeah, Kramer type. I just can't, anytime I sit down to like, think about like, ooh, anything, the sky's the limit. Let's get creative, girls. My brain, my brain just is like, what are you doing? This is so stupid. This is so stupid. So it's interesting, I'm able to be somewhat productive. But then I have like clear

blocks of like, it's almost like that Maslow's hierarchy of needs of like, you have to be first have to be safe, you have to have like a safe place to live, you have to have food and water. And then you can start like dreaming of like a self-improvement and all that stuff. I kind of feel like creatively, I don't feel safe. So I can't come up with anything silly because like, I'm like in fight or flight mode at all points in time. All your jokes are about you having a, like, sweatily clutching a switchblade. It's like nothing. Oh, it's the hardest.

They're like, oh, I think we can top this joke. And I'm like, do you think so? Here, let me try. No, nothing's coming to me. I'm so sorry. I think we can top this joke. What if he's cornered in an alley? Do you think you would be more secure if you had some natural camouflage, like the majestic stingray.

See, clearly it's still working for you. You still have this part of your brain, Jordan, and I appreciate this about you. I don't have it. It's gone away. But also, I've forgotten how to make food, so. I've been putting napkins in my mouth and hoping that provides some sustenance. I also just feel like I get tired so much more easily. I don't know about you guys, but I like I'll work.

And how blessed are any of us to be in a creative field where it's like you're not I'm not doing labor, but like I'm like sitting down to try and work through how I'm going to fix this like part of a script or whatever. And then I just get exhausted. I'm like so tired so fast. Yeah, you should you should try doing that and trying to keep your child to continue going to school. I don't think I cannot imagine what you're going through. I truly cannot. So my main technique is just to not accomplish anything. Because while I'm keeping my kid locked into her school work, I am just leading the Oakland Athletics to the World Series. Those are your two things? You're like, I only can do two things and that's it for them right now. Yeah. The main thing that I'm mad about is that everyone I know on social media is making

beautiful loaves of bread, but circumstances preclude them from bringing them to me. I feel like the whole point of having a friend who makes beautiful loaves of bread is that they bring them to you. And I have gotten no loaves of bread out of this and it's total horse shit. Everybody's got their feeding their fucking starters and I have no bread loaves at all at my house you're feeding your starting pitchers that's true that's an important part of baseball no goal is diet but and you can't put butter on those that does not just does not accomplish the same thing well you gotta butter the pitcher if there's one thing my old T-ball coach always imparted to us. Uh-oh.

I had a recovered memory. Uh-oh. Wait, Jordan, do you remember the time that we talked about my Little League coach, Tim, who, when I look back on it, I am pretty sure of two things. One is that he was usually drunk, and two is that he drove a car that only had one door. Yes. I remember this. Okay.

Well, then everybody's filled in on the important context of this. Was it just that it was missing the other doors? Or was it that one door, it was like a steel cage, but just one door, like one way in and one way out? Oh, right. Like, was it a stunt car? Yeah. Did it have a roll cage? No, no.

It was a coupe that was missing one of its doors completely. And I do think that we would ride places in that car. There would be like, it was like a 70s coupe, you know, a giant, like a Mercury Cougar or something. And it had, it was missing one of the side doors. And I think that sometimes when we had a game that was like out in the avenues in San Francisco, far from where I lived, he would like load, he would meet five of us at the park where we practiced and were based and like load us into the car and drive us there in his car that only had one door. Anyway, I was, I was wondering whether these memories were real. And coincidentally,

an elementary school friend of mine named Lonnie Odomayer was looking for music class clients. He's a music teacher, and he had a day job that he was laid off from, so he was looking for more online music students. And I was like, oh, he's a great guitarist. I was like, I bet you could teach me some ukulele things that I don't know how to do. So I signed up for a couple of classes with Lonnie. And we're on Skype and he's showing me chords or whatever. But mostly my main thing was to run past him, whether these memories were real or not, because he was on that baseball team with me uh he confirmed them uh he also said to me he's like i don't remember if this was on the baseball team or on the basketball team

at upper noe playground and uh because i was only on the baseball team not the basketball team and he said there was one time where instead of practicing he just put on a bruce springsteen album and talked about how much it rocked hell yeah so then so then i posted i posted something about it on facebook and my friend pete who's was like one of my childhood best friends is still one of my best friends uh pete who was who he said he he recently moved back to san francisco he's been drinking at a bar where tim hangs out and tim is there's a direct quote a cool dude well yeah i think i think we've confirmed that all the memories are true this is all real yeah i can't even imagine what it would be like to run into one of my Little League coaches at a bar. That is so far beyond one of my elementary school teachers or something like that.

Little League coaches live – I know that in some communities, most Little League coaches are parents of kids or other kinds of volunteers. In the leagues that i played in city park leagues they were all just a guy that worked at the rec center yeah and like those guys exist in their own world like the rec center is so much more of its own magical world than even your elementary school was like the rec center where all they drink is that red drink that costs 59 cents for a gallon at the grocery store all they eat is like free school lunches yep um and they like live maybe in the rafters of the basketball court i mean emily do you did you have a childhood sport that you did? Did you do any of this stuff? I did. I took dance classes for a bit until I decided I was too cool to do that. But

I would, as an adult in Chicago, I started taking karate as like a full grown adult for the first time. Oh, yeah, sure. Adult karate. Yeah, a little karate. Why not? Adults only. Yeah. I didn't try that until I got married. I mean, yeah, I was going through a breakup. It was a whole thing. And I went to a restaurant and saw my sensei in the restaurant eating, who was a little

white guy with a little ponytail. And I saw him eating lentil soup. Yeah, this all tracks. He was eating lentil soup. Yeah, this all tracks. He was eating lentil soup. His name was Ralph Macchio. You're right, Russo. He was eating lentil soup by himself. And I walked into the restaurant and just like fully panicked, ran out of the restaurant. And I think I stopped going to classes at that point. I think that was the end of it for me. I mean, that is a potent image. Let's just marinate in that for a while. Lentil soup by yourself.

That's like seeing your preacher looking at adult thrillers in the video store. It did feel wrong. It felt wrong. Anybody seen Jade? You have to like, oh, no. You have to be very deferential to them in class. And I was like, I can't navigate that as a grown woman. I can't navigate that seeing him outside of class.

He's like maybe four years older than me, maybe. And so I just ran away. Yeah. You don't want to, you don't want to have to bow to somebody in a Marie Callender. Oh, absolutely. By the way, have you guys tried the lentil soup at Marie Callender's? It is exceptional. They're known for their pies, but there's a couple sneaky things on the menu. Sensei Brandon recommends it. Here's my question for you, Emily, because

our friend, we have a friend, James Richmuth from Casper Hauser, one of the original MaxFun podcasts. He's been doing sketch comedy forever, and he is a psychiatrist. And so he mostly works with people who have really severe mental health issues, so they're not out and about that much. But he has often worked with people in the past who are out and about regularly. And he has to keep his comedy life a secret from everyone. And his greatest terror is that one of his clients, one of his patients is going to show up accidentally at one of his sketch comedy shows and learn that there's nothing they can rely on in the world. Can you imagine what you would do? Oh my goodness. As a client, as anybody, I don't know what I would do on either

side. Yeah. Just, just throw, just throw your parts at one of the other guys and bolt. Yeah, just throw your parts at one of the other guys and bolt. But when you were a therapist, did you ever encounter anyone that you were working with in real life? Because that is even worse, I think, than seeing your sensei eating lentil soup. I will say that I also worked with very severe population. So I worked with males, young men who were adjudicated, who were like one step before training school. So they were not in the public. And then I worked with people with schizophrenia. They were not in the public. So I really did not, that was not a concern I had. But in grad school, when you were in grad school to become a therapist, you have to work in the clinic, like the campus clinic for people, undergrads, when they

come in for mental health stuff, you work with them. But I also had another job, helping undergrads with their papers, I worked in the writing center. So my job was in the writing center. And my like, internship or whatever was in the clinic. And I would frequently see students all over the place and was not sure if I had helped them as a therapist or helped them with a paper. That happened all the time. So I had to have this like blanket ignore any student who like said hi to me. That wasn't my friend because I didn't know if where I knew them from. And I was just very scared about breaking confidentiality because I was very new to it. So I was just like, anybody who said hi to me, I would just very rudely ignore them.

Like it was like across the board. Just bury your face in some lentil soup. So you always carry, just take it, take it from sensei done. And I don't know what, I don't know what it was worse for my therapy skills or my like paper helping skills that I couldn't keep people straight.

Like which one was which, like, that's not a great sign for either side. I would frequently people would cry while I would help them with papers. So that was probably not great. And then maybe I wasn't a very good therapist at the time. I really have no idea. But I could not keep people straight. It was such a terrible problem. But I'm lucky enough that most of the people, my clients that I'd worked with, lucky enough, I don't know if that's the right term, were in a residential facility. So there was no running into them anywhere. I feel like the other problem of working in on-campus mental health would be that just like, if you guys are like me in college pretty much everybody that

came in you boned them you know what i mean yeah yeah that's that's true a lot of boning a lot of college boning baboon chug chug chug chug that's all i did that's all i did in college baby is bone you're chugging and boning. Sometimes I did both at the same time. Oh, man. I also had a unicycle. Which helped. Which definitely helped, yeah.

Sure, it helped with the boning. I mean, it's unicycles and devil sticks. Oh, no. Oh, the devil sticks. Oh, no. I remember those. Oh, no. Oh, the devil sticks. Oh, no. I remember those. Oh, no. I yeah, I if I were to guess, Emily, just from having known you for a while, I would guess that your college experience, you knew at least a few people with devil six skills.

I did. I did not bone them specifically because that kind of went into a hippie realm. And I was more interested in the like tortured artist for no reason realm sure yeah but definitely knew those people a hundred percent but um and would complain frequently whenever they were doing their thing could just complain I had nothing to offer I had nothing to offer but I was complaining at what they were doing I think I think if you see here's my here's here's the credo i live by if you see someone doing devil sticks in public report them if you see something say something maybe don't call 9-1-1 but call 3-3-1-1 definitely need three there's a reason they're not called angel sticks thank you you know what straight from Satan himself. Once you're done calling 3-1-1, then

why not call 6-1-1? Who knows? There might be subterranean gas lines. Right, sure. And if you hit one of those with a double stick, it could go off. Yeah. Then boom, no hot water for anybody. Okay, let's take a quick break.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, we've got something up on the Jumbotron this week. If you want to put something up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. This is a message to Summer from EJ. Or Edge.

EJ the Edgelord. I just assumed it was the Edge from you two. Oh, well, the Edge is a bit of the edgelord. I just assumed it was the edge from you, too. Oh, well, the edge is a bit of an edgelord. He loves Deadpool. Uh-huh. And he loves just mixing it up in the comments. Sure. He's just trying to get a rise out of you.

Yeah. Hey, here's the message from Edge to Summer. Happy birthday. You are the best, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You're awesome for so many reasons, including your excellent tastes in podcasts. Oh, I like a little flattery in the Jumbotrons. Love you. They're actually talking about Reply All.

Oh, that's what I meant, too. I'm the new executive producer of Reply All. Oh, congratulations on getting a job on a real podcast. Yeah, it's good. Everybody loved that episode about the guy who could kind of remember the song, but not really. And then they found the guy at the end. Yeah, a lot of fun. That was my idea.

Oh, really? To forget the song? Yep. But then to find the guy at the end. Oh. But then to find the guy at the end. Oh, so you're saying that PJ and everybody were like, we should not find the guy at the end. Yeah, and then here comes Johnny New Guy.

And everybody's like, do we listen to the new guy? And someone's like, well, we got to give him a chance. And then at the end, they found the guy. And it turns out that was the way to go. Well, congratulations on all that. I'm really proud of you. Why are you still talking to me though oh uh that reminds me i gotta go if you want to get up on the jumbotron it's maximumfund.org slash jumbotron it's cheap it's easy great way to support uh your favorite podcast uh if that's us for some reason. And hey, Jordan, guess what?

What? Maximum Fun members now have access to our amazing Maximum Fun member-only bonus episode. Oh yeah, that was a blast. The episode wherein we were joined by our friend Ben Harrison from Greatest Generation and Friendly Fire. And our listeners made a Jordan JesseJesse-Go drinking game, the rules of which we did not know.

And then we tried to do Jordan-Jesse-Go while also playing the drinking game in the sense that anytime we triggered one of the rules, Brian and our colleague Danny would ring a bell and make us drink. And as I said, we didn't know what the rules were. So you and Ben drank a lot of tepid Bud Light seltzer. Oh, yeah.

And I drank almost two entire marijuana sodas, which is like eight servings of marijuana. Yes, it was a real unpleasant ordeal that we hope is a lot of fun to listen to. Yeah, so if you're a MaxFun donor, head over to the bonus content feed and listen to that. And, you know, if you do play the Jordan Jesse Go drinking game at home with loved ones or just with yourself, you know, yeah, let us know on Twitter, let us know on Reddit, but please be safe. Be safe, drink responsibly, and if you get, you know, too fucked up,

just pause the podcast and listen to the rest later. One of our listeners, Hunter, posted on the MaxFun Reddit that he could hear the point at which I went from overly loquacious to quiet and distant. And I just want to let him know, yes, that's the part where I started thinking about how many fucking stars there are compared to only one of me. Right. Yeah. And you know what blue looks like to you,

but what does blue look like to everyone else? Exactly. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily V. Gordon, cranium face. I don't, I'm so sorry. It was good. No apologies necessary.

Don't need to apologize for that. It is as good as any nickname that's ever been on the show. I agree. I agree. Guys, I know that we don't do a ton of literary content. Yeah, I would say none. Well, you know, you read books, Jordan. You'll occasionally allude to the Epic of Gilgamesh.

Oh, sure. I mean, I'll mention a book. So, yeah, I guess if mentioning a book counts as literary content, then yes, I will say that there's some. Wait, when I was in the mountains, I read a book. I read Ring Lardners. You know me, Al. So there you go. Now we're a book show. this my daughter was taking her her class is doing a storytelling unit and uh she had to write a story um and she is that amount of sustained attention on a keyboard is much greater than anything she'd done in the past and uh she initially wrote like one sentence but then uh i got her to expand it a little bit anyway i thought since you guys are book lovers you know we have a book loving audience not unlike fresh air or npr's

pop culture happy hour yeah yeah mm-hmm yeah i thought i wait a minute is that you liam neeson yeah it's me liam neeson in one of my american accent roles yeah that's right i love books i love tearing into achiever put achiever in my face so this is actually a story let's see those cheebers yeah this is a story that my daughter wrote about uh my dogs coco and sissy uh so i'll just i'll just read it once there were two dogs one named coco one named sissy one day they found that their owners had gone away and forgotten to feed them so they started searching for food then a bow tie came and painted himself all over the house. The dogs got mad and chewed him up. Then all the neckties came and started chewing them up.

The dogs barked for help and their dog friends came. Gulp, their best friend, there's a fictional dog, by the way. Gulp, their best friend. As far as you know. Yeah. Commanded his dog army to attack the neckties with their kongs then all the ties got eaten by cows the end wow cows really came in at the end and saved the day yeah there's a bit of a deus ex machina going on there but that's okay she's new

she's new i this is the exact kind of thinking that i am lacking right now like this is the exact kind of thinking that I am lacking right now. Like this is the exact kind of like just blue sky. Anything could happen. You get bow ties and then you get neck ties. I'm in awe. I'm frankly in awe. That's that was a lovely story. Field of Dreams the other day, which, by the way, I once wondered whether I would find Field of Dreams embarrassing if I watched it as an adult, because I loved it so much when I was a kid, but it seemed in retrospect that maybe it was really bad. A lot better than I thought it would be. Pretty good. But it basically has the same narrative logic as this story. Talking cow saves the day. Yeah, the logic of a dream. Just like a voice tells him to do something, it's completely unrelated to the last thing. And in the end, he reconciles with his dad.

And I understand you need that little bit of magic if you're going to write Field of Dreams, Emily. Yeah. And I know you've been working on that Field of Dreams reboot. I'm doing a reboot that's crossed with League of Their Own. So it's a Field of Dreams, but all women. Oh. Right.

And it's also, it's not baseball. It's an adult karate class. That's correct. That is correct. But still in a field. Still in a field. That part is important. There's no crying in adult karate.

It's less of a magical, realist drama and more of an erotic thriller. That's correct. That is also, that's the new thing I've been working on is writing just some really filthy sex scenes. Cause I figure it's time. It's time for that. Yeah.

Yes. The nation's never been hornier. I would say that this is as horny as we've ever been as a nation. A horny nation longs for you. Right. Okay, so when something momentous happens to you like a voice in your cornfield tells you that if you build it, they will come.

He will come. Excuse me. We ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or email us. It's pretty horny. Or email us a voice memo or just why not just email us or email us a voice memo or just why not just email us

a drawing of a salami at jjgoe at maximumfun and grapefruit dot org two grapefruits yeah

um two big fat pendulous grapefruits oh boy here we go um here's

here's our first momentous occasion Jordan, Jesse, Go, Sunny B this is Lucinda from Seattle in the past 24 hours using a popular internet video conferencing service I have had a dinner party with friends I've played a Dungeons and Dragons game I've had a dinner party with friends. I've played a Dungeons and Dragons game. I've had a book club.

And I just had cyber sex, if that's even what you call it anymore, with the guy that I'm seeing. And if that list of things doesn't tell you everything that you need to know about how we are getting by these times, I don't know what. Anyway, take care, y'all. Bye. Can I suggest a possible alternate slogan for 2020 for us? Sure. Wanna cyber?

ASL? ASL. Absolutely ASL. Do you think that the cyber sex was part of the D&D game? That would be hot. I am shocked that D&D games don't... Listen, I only have anecdotal evidence.

I've never seen a D&D game break out into sex. Never. Okay. I want to call it our audience because I feel like... Listen, I know them pretty well. we've been together for 13 years some someone knows about this if you if you're out there and you have some experience with a dnd game that either turned erotic or was meant to be erotic to begin with uh let us know

call it in jesse gave out the number i also think just an erotic like making it setting an erotic to begin with uh let us know call it in jesse gave out the number i also think just an erotic like making it setting an erotic dnd game is kind of a great idea because the like the like old like hokey thing of like oh nerds are not having sex yes they are they're they're fucking on a constant basis oh sure yeah they're the horniest subculture so horny um but i kind of to me to me, it seems like D&D has always felt like a separate thing, but maybe set up a horny D&D game. When you say D&D is a sort of a separate thing, would you, do you mean to suggest that the horniest would be maybe like a Warhammer or something? Right. Vampire the Masquerade. It would definitely be Vampire the Masquerade. Vampire the Masquerade. It would definitely be Vampire the Masquerade. Vampire the Masquerade has broken into sex.

That has turned into sex often, I think. That's probably true. Jordan, what Dungeons & Dragons guy would you fuck first? Boy, this is a great question. Probably Orc, a Wraith. I mean, you know, there's something sexy about a gelatinous cube. Because I don't know if you've noticed the gelatinous cube, but daddy thick. Yeah, I mean, I think when you said something, you were mispronouncing everything.

Yes. God, this is a terrible show Why did we do this show This is a show We're not just talking about our own feelings Thoughts and feelings This isn't a psychic conversation I'm having with my cat Jordan If this isn't a show then why the hell am I wearing a tuxedo

I don't know That's your deal man Okay Jordan, if this isn't a show, then why the hell am I wearing a tuxedo? I don't know. That's your deal, man. Okay. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest, which I'm guessing is going to be the cat, maybe. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion.

be. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I live in D.C. and I was driving to go get my quarantine lunch. And on the side of the road, I saw a girl walking a pit bull and both in matching astronaut onesie pajamas. And the dog was wearing a big plastic cone and it was real cute thanks guys yeah i think we're there right that's that's where we are just match pajamas with your pets point in our lives i i've heard that the like quarantine onesie is kind of like a thing like everybody's gonna come out of this with their quarantine onesie i don't have mine issued to me yet but maybe maybe i need to fill out some paperwork. Is there something? Yeah, you gotta go down the DMV and get it. You can get that in your

Universal Traveler's license. You get those on the same day. It's the same line. Okay, that's good. I'm not 100% sure about this. I think you have to sign up for the Space Force? That's it. I'm ready to serve. I've been wanting to do it for a long time

right yeah I mean yeah I mean I think you know our overseens are kind of limited to kind of what we're seeing on our you know neighborhood strolls yeah I saw a guy walking a dog and he had on a cowboy hat and a

party hat on the cowboy hat yeah now this was when we were in college at UC Santa cowboy hat and a party hat on the cowboy hat. Yeah. Now, this was when we were in college at UC Santa Cruz, right? No. I mean, that was the dean of students. But no, this was just some dude who lives near my apartment building. But yeah, you know, I'm like, hey, you know what? You're having fun or, you know.

Or you're in crisis. Or you're in crisis. It is one of the two, maybe both. We've taken two, um, in my house we get dressed up every like, like once a week usually. And I don't mean like put on pants. I mean like I put on like a cocktail dress or an evening gown and Kamau will put on a suit um just because I don't know why I don't know why we're doing it we're just and then you just like wear it for a couple of hours and then you take it off again sure you got to look nice when you're benching shrill on hulu and what I would like to do that I haven't done yet is take a walk wearing an evening gown a mask and just like maybe pretend to be a

ghost maybe like oh yeah like i got hit by a car 35 years ago and i'm like on the night of my prom or whatever i don't know that's great um i haven't done that yet but i'm gonna i'll get there i think some say around 4 p.m you can still see her wandering around looking for her corsage. When something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes.

Go ahead, caller. Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful, but also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of. Yeah, man, sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks. Every week,elf and I'm Morgan Rhoads and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talk to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives.

Guests like Moby, Open Mic Eagle, talk about albums by Prince, Joni Mitchell, and so much more. Yo, what's that show called again? Heat Rocks, deep dives into hot records. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I listen to reading glasses because Bria and Mallory have great tips.

My suggestion for book festivals is just go for one day. I listen for the author interviews. I was a huge Goosebumps fan. Oh, yes. R.L. Stine was totally my jam. I don't even read. I just like their chemistry together. Literally, if on the back it said, like, this book made me shit my pants, I'd be like, that's, I'm buying this book.

Like, I think the problem with blurbs a lot of times. I like that we both want to crap ourselves over books. I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara. We're Reading Glasses and we solve all your bookish problems every Thursday on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily V. Gordon, cranium face. What was going on with this hash brown, Jordan? I don't want to leave people hanging. Oh, yeah, real quick, real quick. The neighborhood mystery du jour, there is a dog who lives next to me named Hash Brown. He belongs to a very nice family.

He is a very poorly behaved dog he barks a lot but whenever i see him on the street he he runs up and is very nice so whenever he's barking i try and remember you know the times when he was nice to me so i'm you know so i don't harbor any resentment against hash brown the nice brown dog um and you know and i can hear a lot of like you know i hear the neighbor disciplining hash brown a lot you know um but the other day i just heard and this is around 8 a.m so i'm gonna clock this around 8 a.m just the neighbor go and i'm gonna i'm gonna get my voice warmed up for this. Okay.

I just hear the neighbor around 8 a.m. go, Hash Brown. No! No! No! And with, like, the delivery I can only describe as Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith. I remember that. When he gets the armor on for the first time and sees the monster he's become no no and and then i'm like did something happen to i would feel terrible if something happened to

hash brown i mean he's sure he's you know a little annoying but he's certainly a very nice dog um and then just later on in the day the neighbor was on his stoop and hash brown was running around Sure, he's a little annoying, but he's certainly a very nice dog. And then just later on in the day, the neighbor was on his stoop and Hashbrown was running around. And he ran up to me, did not seem to have been injured. So what the fuck was that? So is this sort of like a call for detectives? I don't know. I just wanted to see if anyone had any theories i mean i'm like maybe i'm like the old excuse he was rehearsing for a play about the death the eventual death of his dog i don't know

anyway for once we can rule out that your west hollywood neighbor had an audition that day right yes i will say that kumail when he is uh when we will let our cat in like we have a little small enclosed space we let our cat out in that space for like a little like five minute walk every day and uh it's become a huge part of the day by the way uh and when we do that would you call it a catio i would not call it a catio because how dare you um I'm sorry thank you thank you when she does anything like that she's not supposed to do Kumail's knee-jerk response is to go like in this terrified voice that like is loud and scary sounding and I'm I'm always like what are the neighbors thinking is happening and what it is is, is like, she started to chew on grass. Do you know what I mean?

Like it's nothing, nothing is worth, like she may be like acted like she wanted to walk under a piece of furniture and he's like, no. So it could be that, that, that hash Brown's owner is a little bit like Kumail and just like kind of

has like a, a dramatic way of talking to hash Brown. Maybe. Yeah. He's just, he just chewed a shoe or something yeah maybe he like got close to a glass of water it wasn't anger it was it was it was don't leave it sounded like the tone was don't leave me hash brown almost certainly i mean as a dog owner and

a dog lover myself i know that both of you are cat people, but I'm a real dog man. That's what they say about you. You're a real dog man. That's true. Yeah. A dog man with an eight-foot salami. Oh, boy. I have to say that as a dog owner myself,

almost certainly the dog was about to eat shit. Oh, okay. Like a piece of poo? Yeah, like a piece of poo off the ground. Too many dogs, not all dogs, but too many. I think we could say any number is too many. But too many dogs will try to eat poop off the ground. I'm very deeply grateful.

Neither of my dogs has ever been a poop eater, but I have known many a poop eating dog in my time. Maybe they just know how to be discreet about it. They do it on their time. You'll never see. Yeah, you won't see it. It's our little secret. It's what I do when you're not around.

When they're out on the catio? When you're in bed, I have mouthfuls of poop. That's my best guess. Emily, Little America is on Apple+. Can you give us a picture of what kind of television program it is? Oh, it's a lovely little show. It's an anthology series that takes the true stories of immigrants that have moved to America and we have fictionalized them and turned them into this anthology series.

And by the way, if that show was described to me, I would think, oh, that sounds heavy, like a medicine show. It's not. It is a light, lovely, warm show that you can watch with your family or you can watch on your own because fuck your kids. And it's just a good time. I'm quite proud of it. Yeah, I'm quite proud of it.

And it's a lovely, fun show. So, yeah. Watch it. Get those Apple Pluses. Get those Apple Pluses. Watch that. There's no Apple Minus. Watch that.

And it stars Steve Carell, Reese Witherspoon. Absolutely not. That's what's so great. Our show has literally no stars. There is not. Because we have, it's all like immigrant actors and actresses. So these are all people that have never like been number one on the call sheet, never like been in every scene.

And I think we've got, we have discovered some really, really wonderful, really wonderful actors. There's Angela Lynn, there's Confidants, there's Kimi Ando. We have some amazing, we have a really, really great cast. And every, if you don't like an episode hey the next one's completely different so

Liam Neeson is in it doing an American accent yeah I'm not an immigrant I was born here yeah born right here in Brooklyn

that's right now you'll excuse me it's time to leave the show uh huh yeah that's right.

Gilgamesh really speaks to the Ur myth. Boy. Sure. Every culture had a creation myth. The one I believe in is about a turtle in the sea, an enormous turtle. Uh-huh. Sure, yes. The world turtle. an enormous turtle uh-huh i'm sure yes yeah the world yeah everyone knows that brooklyn

leah neeson still believes in norse mythology and emily you and uh we we mentioned that you and kumail have started a charity podcast to drive us out of business correct that's our's our whole goal. Yes. The two of you for many years, along frequently with Jordan, who was sort of an unofficial third host. I wish we could have said that. Hosted the podcast, The Indoor Kids, a video game podcast. What is the nature of this? And I know because many more people talk to me fondly about the indoor kids on the grounds that I appeared on it twice and Jordan appeared on it, you know, 10 or 15 times. Possibly. Yes. Yeah. More people talk fondly to me about the indoor kids than about, say, for example, I don't know, Jordan, Jesse, go. I know people loved it, but what is the premise of this new

podcast? So staying in, we're calling it a limited series podcast because we have two things that make us kind of uniquely qualified to podcast during this time, which is one, I am immunocompromised and I am a person who has had to frequently like quarantine myself for periods of time in the past. So I'm quite familiar with that. And both Kumail and I work from home. So we were like, if there's any way we can do a podcast that can kind of entertain a little bit, give you some coping tips for like, how to get through all of this. And kind of, that's all it is really is just how can we all get through this? I bring out some mental health stuff every once in a while. We talk about video games and movies.

And we also just like kind of go, what the fuck are we going to do? What is anybody going to do? There's a little of that. But it's mostly just a fun. It's us giving you tips on how to live in this quarantine time. So we hope we don't have to do it for very long because we only want to do it while we're all quarantined. So my hope is that we get to stop doing it soon, not because we don't love it, but because we want this to be over. I'm going to be honest with you.

I would listen, but I simply do not care for the medium. But I will say. You're more a play guy, right? Yeah. I love live theater. We also, every time we say, oh, we have this new podcast, the responses we get are, why don't you just reboot the Indoor Kids? And we're like, we are the Indoor Kids. We're still those people.

Just listen to us. I swear to God. We're more indoors than ever. That's your new brand statement, more indoors than ever. More indoors than ever. And so i get that too of like oh we're offering you this thing and you're still asking for this other thing okay fair enough uh well i hope that everyone will uh listen to kumail and emily's brand new podcast

called staying in with emily and kumail and check out Little America, which is on Apple Plus TV. Apple TV Plus. Apple TV Plus is the order that you're supposed to say it in. Yeah, I think that's right. I'm going to say, you know what? I'm going to tell you, I'm going to say Apple TV Plus. It's a television inside your iPod. That's my understanding. That's exactly right. Have you got a Mac Classic? Good news. Here comes Apple TV+. You're going to want to have a Color Mac Classic or an SE. If you have an SE, that's ideal because it comes with a – Sorry, Dell.

Yeah. Sorry, Gateway 2000. You're out of here. Oh, man. The Gateway. That was my last one I got in college. Oh, that was a good time. It was massive.

It didn't fit on any desk. The giant computers of our youth. Look, if you want to watch something on a Gateway, you're going to have to use Quibi. Coming soon. Exclusively to Atari Lynx. Oh, man. coming coming soon exclusively to atari links oh man you guys gotta see my live action clacks reboot hey do you have a tamagotchi you get one year it could be free with every time again

you gotta feed it you gotta feed it or the quibi will die do you like lists of things try this podcast You gotta feed it. You gotta feed it or the quibby will die. Do you like lists of things? Try this podcast. Okay. Emily Gordon, it's been a joy as ever to speak with you. I'm glad you're holding up. It's nice

to talk to you. You're a great talent and a great pal. Same to you. It's nice to talk to you guys. I miss you. Jordan Jesse Go is talk to you guys. I miss you. Jordan Jesse Goh is hosted by me and Jordan Morris. You can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. You can hashtag it on Twitter, hashtag JJ Goh. If you have corrections for this week's program, we, of course, care about quality. And we've engaged the J.D. Power Corporation to take note of our quality errors.

So tweet your corrections to at J.D. Power. You can also find us on Facebook by searching for JordanJesseGo. You can find us at MaximumFun.Reddit.com, the only friendly place on the Internet, specifically Reddit. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. Our thanks to The Free Design and to their label, Light in the Attic, for letting us use that. You can find it on Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design is what it is called. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer, all the way in his apartment via Zencaster. Emily Gordon's brand new podcast for charity

is called Staying In with Emily in Kumail. And if you get that Apple TV+, you can watch Little America, a wonderful television program that I just learned my friend Josh Bierman is involved in. Good work, Josh Bierman. Oh, yeah, Josh is highly involved.

Yes. Good job, Josh Bierman. That's all. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.