Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 632: The Holodeck Tapes with Scott Simpson

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

Scott Simpson (You Look Nice Today: California King podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the games Scott's family have invented during the virus lockdown, the misconception around how many erogenous zones men have, and a hypothesis for why the later Star Trek series aren't as horny as the original. Plus, Jordan gets inspired to make an extra special Anal August proclamation to get us all through these difficult times.Action Item: We are still looking for horny D&D stories! If one of your D&D campaigns (or Warhammer or Vampire: The Masquerade) has gotten too hot for the tabletop, let us know!! Email us or send a voice memo to [e-mail] or call us at 206-984-4FUN!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing okay, just trying to, you know, keep strawberry tops away from the cat. Oh, classic problem. That is a classic dilemma. Yeah. keep strawberry tops away from the cat oh classic problem that is a classic dilemma yeah uh i just want to say that is not a it's not like a metaphor it's not like a folksy you know saying that you

would like well just trying to keep strawberry tops away from the cat it's like it's that's actually what i'm doing no i think that's a saying strawberry tops is your what your nipples are called wait hold on guest i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry got excited there okay fine i'm sorry our guest on the program is an old friend of ours uh stand-up comedian uh and the host one of the hosts of the newly resurrected beloved podcast you look nice, now known as You Look Nice Today, colon, California King, Mr. Scott Simpson. Hi, Scott. Hi. Sorry, guys. I feel like one of the Jefferson's neighbors who knocked on the door too early in the program. I was going to say that the thing about strawberry tops was something I was pretty sure I'd heard Satchel Paige say, like, always avoid fried foods. They anger up the blood.

Or don't look over your shoulder. Somebody might be gaining on you. No, you know, my cat and I, I mean, listen, we're, you know, we're quarantined. And I think like any good, I mean, I don't like to call us a couple because it's disgusting. But, you know, we're friends with benefits. We're friends with benefits. We're roommates who get drunk and fuck around sometimes. Yeah, you know, I think, you know, as men, sometimes we're, you know, we're not taught that, you know, our body has more than one erogenous zone.

And I think we're just kind of, you know, we're just kind of like playing around with that idea, you know? I only have one erogenous zone, as far as I know. Right butt cheek. Yeah, I've only got one. It zone as far as i know right butt cheek yeah i've only got one it's called my mind wow thank you i'm very brave okay jordan can i just say one of my favorite rap songs of all time uh is a song called uh it's bigger than and then in parentheses hip-hop by the rap group dead prez and i have a really hard time thinking of it and it's you know one of the greatest rap songs ever recorded i would say but on that same album they have a song called mind sex and i can't hear it's bigger than hip-hop without thinking about mind sex which was like a single that had a video

and stuff and there's a part where they where he says uh how about we start with a salad a fresh bed of lettuce with croutons later we can play a game of chess on the futon go on so there's something wrong with that uh you know jordan i ain't saying i don't want to fuck because i do yes but for me boo making love is just as much mental i like to know what i'm getting into very brave very brave it's your eye contact that be getting me aroused um how much of that was the song and how much of that was just stuff you were saying? That was all directly from the song Mind Sex by Dead Prez. Beautiful. Beautiful.

African princess, tell me your interests. Wait, let me guess, Boo. You probably like poetry. The strawberry tops thing. My cat does not like human food for the most part, but she goes nuts for the little tops of the strawberries. And apparently they have the potential to irritate the eyes and nose. So I got to keep them away from her. And let me tell you, it's challenging.

She wants them. This is the kind of riveting Jordanessico content you get when we're stuck in our house stories about something the cat almost ate should i not be feeding things to my dog how did you did you like ask a veterinarian whether a cat is allowed to eat a strawberry top no this is this is a google and i realized that uh you know sometimes you get false information from the Google, but I don't think I'm depriving her from anything. If for some reason the Google is wrong, I don't think I'm depriving her by not letting her have the strawberry tops.

I don't know if there's an essential vitamin or something that she wouldn't be getting if not for the top. But yeah, but no, maybe I should ask my vet. That's actually probably a better idea than just trusting the, you know, first thing that comes up on the Google. So, you know what, we're all learning a lot today. Me especially. I just fed my dog a handful of lettuce. Is that weird? I mean, I don't know. What does your vet and or the internet say about handfuls of lettuce? My dog can have a handful of lettuce as a treat. You fed it into the mouth. Up the mouth?

Yeah, sure. You shoved it up the mouth, Jesse. Vegetables that are safe for dogs. Scott, I don't know if you're a pet guy or not. Oh, I'm a pet guy. Okay, let's hear about these pets. Oh, I mean, I don't have any pets. I'm just a pet guy.

No, I do have a cat. He's wonderful. His name is Cosmo. One of the games that we've started to play here during this lockdown time, we're sort of developing a whole suite of indoor Olympics-style games. And the one that we play with a cat is, who do you love? And that's where we all sit in one corner of the room, and we put the cat in the middle. And then we say, hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy. Come on over here. And we see which one of us he goes to, and that person is the winner of that round. Wow. What's the current score? My daughter is ahead by, I'm going to say, four or five come-tos. Wow.

That seems like a pretty broad, this seems like a wide margin. Yeah, she's clearly his favorite. She's most people's, she's the good one. She's the one that people like. She's the one that we send to the door when it rings. She's sort of the face of the family. But she's also the one who's always handling raw tuna, though, right? She's for her, you know, for gymnastics.

Well, yeah, you got to tuna up the hands before you hit the parallel bars. That's right. People don't know it goes tuna, talc, bar. It doesn't just go talc, bar. Yeah, well, the talc's not going to stick. The talc's got to have something to gum to. You guys know how chemistry works.

Sure. They don't want to show it on TV. God, you know, One time, just once In the World Championships 1987 Nadia Komanić Tried to use Haddock I remember

It was incredible embarrassment It was the telltale Bits of roe flying off her Hands when she executed a dismount Tipped the judges off That's what you get for having a Russian coach Ugh bits of roe flying off her hands when she executed a dismount. Tip the judges off. That's what you get for having a Russian coach. Ugh.

I've heard of a doping scandal, but a grouper scandal? I don't think... That would have been much better if there was a Finnish name that sounded more like dope or doping. But I just I'm just using the tools that are available to me

you stuck it you should be proud they were so excited that the Olympics were in Tokyo this year the fish market you have no idea you have no idea how much it goes into. Famous fish market.

Just, you know, walking the rows of the freshest catch every morning that these gymnasts have to do for two to three hours just to prepare that tacky, gummy cling. Yeah. I mean, the cling's key. Then they got to hit the wholesale flower market. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Scott, have you thought about what you can do to maybe improve your cat come over here game? I'd love to hear any tips that you have.

I'll tell you what my style is, Jordan, and then maybe you can, Jesse, you guys can build off of it. Yeah, sure. What I do, I try and be, I try and, here's what's always worked for me with chicks. Right. Hey, what's up? Like that. You know, like, hey, what's up? Like, you know, like, you can come over.

I've got my phone. I'm looking at stuff on my phone. It's cool if you want to come over, though. Sort of, not hard to get, but just like not to get. Not gettable. Am I gettable? Come over here and find out. Right.

Yeah. You're like, I would love your company, but if not, I'm over here. I'm fine over here browsing the movie news on Collider.com. That's exactly right. And to be honest, I haven't. We can chat. It'll be great. But I'm over here learning about Marvel casting news.

I already like the specificity. I've only ever just kind of looked at my phone, indicating general self-interest and, you know, giving the cat a sense that I don't need him to come over. But if I were more specific about exactly what I was enjoying on my phone, that might be another step. I don't know if there's something else I could do to kind of lure him. She's got the tuna. Yeah, have you thought about strawberry tops on the nipples? They don't have to be on the nipples, but it's a great place for them.

Yeah, and I don't know if you know this. I mean, this is not something they teach in sex ed, but men have more than one erogenous zone. That's not what I've heard so far. Again, again, yeah. I only have the one. Right butt cheek. Right butt cheek. Right butt cheek.

You know, we haven't, maybe it's best that we haven't yet sexualized the game. Yeah. But maybe it's time to get competitive't yet sexualized the game. Yeah. But maybe it's time to get competitive. Yeah. I mean, I understand, considering that your children and a family pet are involved.

That's probably a good thing, I would say. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, go with your gut on that one. I have an idea for you. Have you thought about a TikTok dance? Oh. I'd recommend either... I got two choices for you, and you can go left, you can go right.

It's a choose-your-own-adventure novel here. Okay. On the left. Well, we know which direction you like to go. On the left, right down there to the butt cheek. On the left, you got TikTok dance. On the right, you got, how about you make the cat a quibby? Wait, is that the brand new media service?

Yeah, cats can't get enough of Quibis. Cats love Quibis. Is that short for Quick Bytes? Quick Bytes. It's a type of Mobisode. A flippable, floppable Mobisode. You flip it. You flop it.

Oh, I really want to trade it with my friends. I want to take it to lunch and I want to swap it with my friends. Are Quibi's collectible? Right. Hey, how many singled out reboots will you give me for something with Liam Hemsworth?

Jordan, you're a media insider, right? Yeah, if that will help the thing you're about media insider, right? Yeah. If that will help the thing you're about to talk about, yes. Would you flip a Quibi, flop a Quibi, or flap a Quibi? Well, I mean, I would say that Quibi is such a versatile platform that it doesn't matter. I mean, if you want to flip it, if you want to flop it, if you want to flap it, you know, Quibi can handle all of that. It's a revolutionary new platform where you can flip a singled-out reboot.

You can flop something with Liam Hemsworth. And if you feel like it, you can flap something where I think Idris Elba races a stock car. Oh, that sounds right. Presumably before he got the coronavirus. I got to tell you this, if there's one where he's racing a stock car, I'm going to be fapping that one. Whoa. The combination of, yeah, the combination of idris elba and all that horsepower you're just going to be sitting there holding your holding your quibi machine with one hand that's what i call a phone i think that's now what we will all call phones yeah from here on out

you're holding your quibi machine with one hand and you're just poking that butt cheek with the other oh god yes that's what you call fapping right yeah i only got the one poke that cheek i can really really really clearly picture that i don't know i don't know why it's so easy to picture maybe just because quibi is such an obviously useful service it's because we're good friends i think that's it sure there's hey no argument here scott what's your what's your favorite what's your favorite quibby would you say uh i like the ones where uh are there ones with um with like uh uh animals yeah sure benji has a quibby yeah that's my speed i like those animal quibbies i like a uh i'm sure i'm sure nick offerman's on on quibby, isn't he? I see him looking at me out of

my phone. He looks at me and he's like, go ahead, flop the phone, see if I care. That's right. He's doing to me what I try to do to my cat when we play Who Do You Love? I'll be over here looking at movie news on Collider.com. He's the announcer on Benji's show. Benji's is like a talk show. It's like a celebrity talk show. Nick Offerman is the announcer. Yeah, and Offerman wasn't there for all the tapings, but he just went into the booth for like kind of a half an afternoon,

so they could put his name on it. Exactly. It's just Benji and Air Bud. Jesse, do your dogs have family members that they prefer yeah i i've spent about a decade convincing my dog coco to prefer me um and it has worked theresa feeds her so it should by all rights be theresa it's a great disappointment to theresa i also bother coco a lot more like

you know of course everybody who listens to this show knows that sometimes I stick my arms out in front of myself when Coco doesn't really want to get picked up and just walk after her yelling dog Frankenstein dog Frankenstein eats dogs

and so it doesn't seem like she should prefer me, but she ultimately, I think, usually does pick me. My other dog, Sissy, though, Sissy is very much more like a chihuahua. Like a chihuahua is a very, their main characteristics are being protective of their owners and being like hyper affectionate and to the point where it's pathetic and embarrassing and sissy has much more of that like the kids like sissy a lot more and she likes the kids a lot more because she'll just go up and lick them and they think it's funny and not fucking annoying um so sissy i think is sissy. Sissy, like if a burglar broke into our house, Sissy would bark at them for five minutes, possibly bite them, and then just start licking them.

They wouldn't even have to do that thing where they bring a juicy steak and throw it and then go the other direction. Just time would take care of it. So you're mostly, it sounds like you're mostly concerned. And I mean, I don't know. I mean, I think every neighborhood has its own concerns. But the main thing you're worried about is old-time comedy burglars. Yeah. So we have a lot of problems here with burglars who will be wearing striped suits.

Right, because they just escaped from jail. The hoose cow, they call it. Well, the problem with the hooskow here is that they allow prisoners to get as many cakes as they want. They do not investigate. They don't x-ray the cakes. They don't check the cakes. And so immediately you're having the classic problem, which is files. Right, sure. All their friend criminals are putting files in the cakes and they're filing off

their shackles they do have shackles to their credit the the prison around here while they don't check the cakes they do keep the prisoners in shackles which they figure is enough but it's not now what are you doing to protect your family against um round black bombs with uh sticking out of the top. Yeah, it's not easy. I mean, like protecting your family from the old-timey burglars is easy enough. You take all your hamburgers and you just put them out on the front stoop and you say no hamburgers inside.

Well, I think that's especially one particular burglar that you're protecting your family against. That's not a multi-channel solution. That's a very narrow... I mean, it's worked for me so far. I mean, that's not going to help you against, let's say, the Beagle Boys. I mean, it protects also against Blimpy, I think.

It is... Wimpy? Wimpy. Who's Blimpy? Blimpy is a chain that sells submarine sandwiches oh yeah a wimpy popeye's friend yeah wimpy you have to give it to the to the police though uh because when you call them they do arrive in fast motion yeah thank god they're a little herky jerky little herky jerky but real quick yeah but the problem is when they're getting out of that goddamn police car they're climbing up each other's shoulders and

falling onto their faces it is a mess it is a real mess and you know they give them these long two by fours and they're constantly hearing sounds behind them and turning around to see what's going on and it is bad news my my friend. Very bad news. I will say this. They may not be that effective, but their body cam footage is hilarious. Well, that's why we require body cams. Yeah. I mean, and it's all available for public review.

So if you want to laugh your butt off. In sepia tone. God, Jordan, if I laugh my butt off, how would I achieve orgasm? Oh, yeah. That's a fair point. Let's stay away from body cam footage and Chrissy Teigen's new show on Queeby. Where she, oh, I don't know. Is Judge John Hodgman.

Oh, okay. I was going to say critiques people's crafts. I got no beef. We got no beef with Chrissy Teigen. She's a winner. She's a good person as far as anyone can tell. Boy, did I feel old when I was backstage before a show and there was one of those old-timey nail files. I guess they were nail files, weren't they?

The things that you baked inside the cake, they were supposed to be nail files? I think either nail files, but they might have just been file files. File files. For filing down a big piece of metal, yeah. Right, right, file. It itself is a big piece of metal.

It's about 11 inches long. It's very heavy. And literally the only place I've ever seen that tool is baked into a cake to spring burglars out of jail. And I don't know why they're just burglars in jail, but those are the ones who get the cake. There's some art to this, too. There's some guys who can't jack off unless they set a fire. Yeah, sure, sure. They're all getting cakes.

I made that joke to a person, to another, to a female comedian who was standing there. I said, well, you know, I wonder, something, something, cake. And she looked at me with absolutely zero recognition in her eyes, and I realized that there was an

uncrossable age gap between us that to somehow work to bridge was just not worth it. So we both just turned around and walked away from each other. Well, I mean, the first movie that she saw in movie theaters was The Jazz Singer. So she just doesn't know the classics. You know what I mean? She only knows the talkies. I think that's what it was. Yeah, those Gen Zers, they only know they love the jazz singer and Space Jam. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, You really eased into that one, Scott. That's how I try to do it, try and keep it smooth and chill. I'm not sure. Show me those nips. I'm your cat now. I know. Oh, I know. You clearly have met my cat. Let's see those nips.

Do you like a strawberry top, Cosmo? Just the tops. Just the tops. Yeah. It's like just the tip, but just the tops. Just the tops. Yeah. It's like just the tip, but just the tops. Nip tops. They'll give me eye irritation, but I don't care. Make the nips taut.

Man, your cat's gross. Your cat's super gross. Also, what did you use? Yeah, what did you let your cat act like? What did you use to attach those strawberry tops to your nips? Was it like egg whites or something? It's a tacky mixture of tuna belly and flour. Oh, sure. Got it.

Makes sense. That's called the Comaniche. Got it. So Brian, our producer, who we love, did us a solid. And he collected a series of calls based on a conversation we had a couple weeks ago on the podcast where we wondered aloud if anyone slash anyone in the audience had ever combined role-playing and sensuality not in the bedroom set not in the boudoir sense of role-playing but in the right but in the back of a game store sense of role-playing the a card table type of role playing, possibly using little figurines that have been painted to look like real orcs. So just so I understand, it wasn't taking the dungeon to the bedroom.

It was taking the bedroom to the dungeon. Right. Yes. Okay. Yeah, that's absolutely correct. If we put out a call that said, how many of you have done role-playing or dungeon stuff in your bedroom, our message machine would fill up really quick. By the way, we use a message machine. It's got a Radio Shack realistic brand cassette tape recording the messages. And it would fill up really fast because that's what happens to those cassette tapes, especially the micro cassettes. They hold less on them.

And so we're talking specifically here about games of Dungeons and Dragons or similar that then become sexual. So whether it's Dungeons and Dragons or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the role playing game, which by the way is based on the comic books, not based on the television show show that's for children this is a sophisticated grown-up teenage ninja turtle game darker grittier yeah rafael dies and then jacks off uh so what we're looking at here is not bedroom stuff it is folding table stuff uh we are looking for little figurines we are looking for rule books we are looking for 20

sided dice hit points we are looking for unusual sex acts we're looking at f in the ap we're looking at foot job we're looking at i'm not i don't mean to shame anyone's act i just we're looking we're not looking for commons we're looking for semi-rares and rares is that a good summary, Jordan? We're looking for foil packs. Yeah, we're looking for Sarah Angel level sex acts. If I can use a Magic the Gathering analogy. You may. I mean, this is

the place for it, I think. You want to know if people are doing this out there? Like, they've already experimented with this in their tabletop gaming experiences? Yeah, like, obviously people have done this at like a convention. That's what the point of the convention is, you know what I mean? But what about at a game store, you know what I mean? What about at a regular weekly game with some pals from high school, you know what I mean?

Right, and maybe even pals that you would never otherwise speak about this stuff with without this necessary boundary that's created by your chain mail. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Like my old friend John King from high school, I see him once a year maybe, every other year. He's a wonderful guy. I actually went with him to your stand-up comedy show, Scott Simpson,

last time I was in San Francisco. Oh, John. Yeah. John was a very nice guy. Very nice guy. One of the best guys. A good friend of mine from high school.

John and I would not normally talk about matters sexual, much less engage in a sexual activity together. We're too respectful. We're married men. But if John invited me to play Dungeons and Dragons, which God knows John King does.

In fact, I think John King helps organize some kind of weekend in the desert where everyone wears post-apocalyptic clothing. I'm not sure exactly how it works. It's not Burning Man. It's nerdier than that, believe it or not. It's for people who think burning man is bullshit yeah it's for people who think burning man's too artsy so uh uh john king if john king and i were to play a role-playing game together which i would be more than glad to do were john king to invite me to do so and then it turns sexual that's the kind of situations we're looking at here that makes sense I see Brian do we have telephone calls on

this matter hello Jordan Jesse go my name is Arthur I say them pronouns I am responding to your D&D sex question. After one D&D game, I did have a threesome with a partner and someone else who we had never had sex with before. I also am currently doing a D&D game with my roommates that is not sexy, but we have made a religion worshipping the anal tempest, and there's butt plugs as religious holy symbols.

So that's, you know, in that wheelhouse. Also, remember you, I've been meaning to call in and talk about my friend who does Star Trek sex parties because of your earlier episodes where you talked about those sorts of things and how they must happen I can promise that they do happen

and that they're very fun and goofy and yeah, thank you, bye Oh my goodness. First of all, I'm grateful to Arthur for calling into us, but they seem to have really

dropped the ball on a specific that I needed to know, which is what kind of guys, and I'm using guys in a non-gendered sense here, what kind of guys did you fuck? I'm talking about elves, orcs, magic users i want to know character classes alignments this isn't

this is not and jesse i i'm way past needing that information i just want to know what sort of offering i need to make to please the anal tempest. You know what I did? I just ate some bad chili. Oh, yeah, you did. That's called a tempest. Sure. Yeah. I was honestly, as I listened to that call, I learned something very important about myself, which is that were i to knock on the door of a star trek sex party and the door opened and it were and if it was star trek a ridge i am fucking there right but if it was like voyager i'd be like get the fuck you what the fuck are you doing you dorks but if it's like fucking somebody's uhura and somebody's Kirk, like I am, I'm of Tribble, whatever.

Now, Scott, so you, you know, so, so you're in for original Star Trek. Yeah. Maybe not so much next generation, but how, how do you feel about Deep Space 69? You know how I feel about that. You've seen my, you've seen my, you've seen my, uh, Barry Tops. I have seen the berry tops i think we can all be frank about this you can dismiss all your deep space nines and your voyagers if you if you so choose but any one of us here and as as far as i know uh scott you're

you're married to a lady jordan i've i've only known you to date ladies. I'm also married to a lady. But we'd all fuck bacular, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Let me be clear. Again, I am not any particular... Listen, I also have to say something. My blood has not been pumping like this in months. I have not felt so strongly about something.

I have no particular preference for any generation of Star Trek. I could go early, I could go late. You put it on, I'll watch half of it. I'll turn it off and I'll read my phone. But if it's a fuck party, it better be original. It had fuck... Oh my god. I'm angry about this now.

And don't cross the streams. Don't put me... Don't confuse the streams. Don't put me... Don't confuse my universe. Well, now you're throwing Ghostbusters shit in there. This is going to be one confusing fuckfest. Yeah, what if some dick dresses like Luke Skywalker showed up? Oh, boy. Scott, I'm a bit of a voyeur myself,

and that's why I only go to Star Trek four parties, because of the transparent aluminum. Oh, God. And it's in San Francisco, so you know the area. Would you say you're a voyager voyeur? No. No, I wouldn't say that, but you're welcome to say it. I'm going to go ahead and say it. Don't you just...

Brian, just play me back saying that thanks can I just be clear though and I really need your buy in on this both of you doesn't it just at an atomic just a particular level make sense for like the original

cast of the original show of Star Trek they'd be fucking it is comfortably, comfortably the horniest. Easily, right? I mean, that just, you could see the perspiration.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I haven't watched that much Star Trek period, but I've seen some original, I've seen some TNG, some smatterings here and there. And I would say that the original Star Trek, jockeying for horniest television program of all time.

But the other Star Trek seem maybe even a little bit sexless. I thank you. Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. And in no way does it make them better or worse. But in some cases, they're a lot better. But in terms of like just fucking like there was no underwear under those uniforms no way i think the technology was was sufficiently advanced that like in the next generation and the other later star trek shows if you wanted to have

sexual experience you just stuck your dick in that thing that makes the cup of tea yeah yeah the tea the tea cock machine yeah or alternately the cock and tea making machine you went into the part of the spaceship where it turns you into sherlock holmes because fantasy that part yeah if you go into that sherlock holmes part all bets are off even Data the robot is fucking super horny and if he's dressed like Sherlock Holmes in the Sherlock Holmes part of the spaceship that's you know Jesse I think you have you've put your finger on why those later iterations of the show were so sexless they were they were fucked out by the time they get to the bridge yeah they've had so many fucked up imaginary illicit encounters on the holodeck

because they can just put on one of those deer stalkers and head off to bay four that's right and no you know i'm sure there are stringent privacy laws related to the holodeck and your usage thereof oh man release the holodeck tapes. If anybody at Paramount is listening, please release the tapes of all the jacking off that went on inside the holodeck. I want to see Data Blast in foggy London town. Oh, Data Blast. I love a good Data Blast.

I was in the thrift store not that long ago and uh i bought for our friend ben harrison who of course who is one of the hosts of the greatest generation max fun's own star trek show uh i bought this vhs tape that i found uh that was uh commander reicher from star trek the next generation the first officer of the Starship Enterprise 2. And he's hosting a sales presentation for like a logistics company as Commander Riker on the set of Star Trek The Next Generation.

So it's for a real life logistics company. But it's him as Riker telling them why they should use this one logistics company. And I think there's that. But with porno, right? It's got to be. There's got to be. And if there's one person who's definitely done like soft core Cinemax,ax simulated BJ reception, it is Riker. Oh, yeah.

Riker's gotten a fake BJ where his belly button is. Have you ever seen that super cut of Riker straddling chairs? No, but it sounds hot. Look it up. Evidentlyly the guy cannot sit in a chair like a normal person let me just say my right butt cheek is tingling right now oh you oh buddy it's you're gonna get the full riker tonight now i know we've gotten we've gotten kind of far away from the sorry sorry we've gotten into a world uh where no man has gone before. But I would like to go back to Arthur's call.

And I don't want to quibble. But I think what we were asking for was a... Jordan, you don't want to quibble. You want to quibby. I want to quibby. Help me, Chrissy Teigen. I need cake assistance. I don't know. You don't want to quibble, but it seemed like what happened was it was a D&D game and afterwards a threesome happened. I think what we're looking for, and we thank Arthur from the call. It was a fantastic call. Arthur clearly has a colorful sex life and should be congratulated for it. But I think what we were looking for was a- Arthur, you will receive your laurels via U.S. Postal Service.

Yeah, check that mailbox. There's a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card with your name on it. You didn't want your peanut butter and then in a separate location your chocolate you wanted your peanut butter and your chocolate co-located smushed in the same location yeah i mean it's it sounds like what happened was that everybody just got all horned up from this dnd game right but i think what we're looking for ideally would be you know something where the sex and the role playing were more intertwined. Right. Yeah.

And I mean, I think anybody would get horned up from a D&D game. All it takes to get me horned up, they just get a text message that says, are you horny for orcs? Sure. My right butt cheeks are tingling. Oh, gosh. Let's take another call and see what see what our next caller has to say hey jordan jesse sunny d and i'm going to guess

former president jimmy carter nailed it close um not far this is james from uh des moines iowa you guys were calling asking about either erotic D&D games or games that were intentionally erotic, D&D games that were intended to be erotic that weren't erotic. I have been involved in a game where the barbarian in my party after questing decided to go to a brothel and hire a bunch of sex workers and then wound up with a bunch of the DM said, are you sure? Spent all of his reward on all of his gold

on this escapade and the DM said, are you sure? And then proceeded to dig out a book full of D&D-themed STDs that he then contracted. And then also, I did not play in this game, but I am aware of a game that broke up a relationship where uh the guy went and played dnd and apparently they described of the sexual acts that he was involved in and his girlfriend learned about it and broke up with him over it so i think those both uh fit what you guys were looking for um wow get them get them get them thanks yeah i've had a few dnd uh stds in my time or stis i had uh fireballs i had gelatinous cube i had a dragon aids

i okay so this is another logistical thing that I was fascinated by when he was talking about the barbarian. Were the other six members of the party just forced to sit and listen to his extended revelry in the whorehouse? They all just had to sit there, and he's like, roll 14 for cum. What were they doing? Scott, that's what it's like when the guy you're traveling with wants to visit the cat house and you're uncomfortable with that because you don't have that kind of relationship with your partner. Yeah. Boy, I mean, listen. D&D, STD manual, delightful.

STD&D, that's something someone could say. A lot of fun. Sure. insightful std and d that's something someone could say a lot of fun um sure but it sounds like and please call her call back in and correct me if i'm wrong but it sounds like this um you know group sex with a bunch of fantasy sex workers was imaginary i think what we're looking for is IRL banging. Yeah. Although I have to give this person credit. I like if I was going to choose one person to root for in this, it's a girlfriend who broke up with her boyfriend because he did sex in D&D. Yeah. I like that. I like that commitment. They're like, look, the rules is the rules. We went over what's allowed and what's not allowed. That wasn't allowed. You're out of here. Chump. Dump the motherfucker already. That's what I say. like what you did in dnd now if you'll excuse me i'll be off fucking your brother irl though irl and a little bit in warhammer yeah so it sounds like i mean these were both very good calls i enjoyed the calls i think the callers are both fantastic people but i think i

don't i don't think we've found it yet I don't think we found the role-playing adventure where, where real life eroticism happens. I think you're right. I mean, it would be cheating, but it seems obvious to me that in a game of vamp live action vampire, there's, this has happened many times,

right? This is basically what that is right yeah i mean listen i think this is just a call to all the vamps out in the audience and uh jesse i know you have a concern about dracula's but i think we need them now the enemy of my enemy is my friend i think is um the old adage that we all learned from Alien vs. Predator. Or possibly Satchel Paige. It's hard to say. So I think what we need is, I want to keep this topic open.

And I think we need to hear from the vampire people. If you're out there, I know you are. to hear from the vampire people. If you're out there, I know you are. If you are listening via some sort of Bluetooth hookup in your coffin, please get at us because I think we've almost hit the valuable ore that is the role-playing sex party story, but we're not quite there yet. And I'm going to need, again, what kind of guy are you, irrespective of gender? I'm talking class. I'm talking type of monster. And, yes, I consider, for example, elves to be a type of monster.

Sure. What are your top types of monster? You got elves, orcs, and Metallica in therapy. Some type of monster, isn't it? Sure, yeah. Sure. You got a grizzly man. You got a tiger king.

Sure. These are buzzy documentaries people like to talk about. Got an In Search of Sasquatch. Sure. Look out for Sugar Man. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. You wept as we crafted the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story. Dude, like he forgives Darth Vader. Mesa still love you, Annie. You gasped out loud at the shocking twists of Face Off 2. Face is wild.

He takes his kid's face. What? We're writing an entire screenplay week by week on Storybreak Season 2. Heaven Heist. Hey, folks. Freddie Wong here with some exciting news about Storybreak, the writer's room podcast where three Hollywood professionals have one hour to spin cinematic gold. We're shaking up our format by turning Heaven Heist,

one of our favorite ideas we've ever come up with on the show, into a full screenplay. Heaven Heist is an action comedy about a crew of misfit gangsters robbing the celestial bank of heaven. Think Coco meets Point Break. Join us as we write this crazy movie scene by scene and get an inside look at the screenwriting process on our podcast Story Break every Thursday on Maximfunk.org it's jordan jesse go i'm'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Scott Simpson, who loves you? Who loves you? Who loves you most? Hello. We're doing some other games at home. We have a game called Dangle Sack. Right, yes. Now, how do you play Dangle sack dangle sack is like first of

all you got to be on the varsity baseball team hey step one get a letter jacket uh dangle sack is like slow motion hacky sack again most of these games are are so that the the children and the adults can play on a compete on a level playing field uh so a string is is hung from the ceiling like a preferably a bouncy elastic string to which a pouch of some kind is attached and then you just got to kick it back and forth at each other and if you miss you lose it's fantastic i like that you are putting some thought into making sure that everybody all of these games are fair between the relative abilities. Because if it was me and I was in your situation, your kids are a little older than mine, but if I was in your situation,

I would be playing a 1994 edition of Trivial Pursuit and Beer Pong. Genus? Are you playing Genus? Yeah, I'm playing Genus edition. Yeah, that's why we are trying to come up with these games, because otherwise it's just no fun for anyone. This one is, I recommend it to you guys if you want to play it in your locked down household. It's more fun than it sounds, as I describe it. No, Scott, my situation is a little bit different. Is there a kind of an altered version I could play?

Is there a solo dangle sack? Absolutely. I mean, hacky sack originates as a one-player game, doesn't it? I guess so. I guess it does. So this one is like, I mean, the string is swinging, and it just goes to the other side, and then it swings right back at you like a tennis ball thrown against the wall before your mom gets home, and you're playing by yourself.

You know what? I've always played solo dangle sack by completely different rules. Mine involves taking a scissor and cutting a strategic hole in the underoos. And then you just point and shout, d danglesack you make eye contact with your wife raise one eyebrow and go repeat until divorced twon't be long twon't twon't i also sometimes call it twon't well you know what they say, don't neglect the twont.

Is that, oh. Again, men were taught that we only have one erogenous zone. There's the strawberry nips. There's the twont. So the twont is the future taint? Yes. I think it's the present perfect taint okay the taint that will be for the taint that could be the transitive taint that's a neil young album

take that out we can't we don't know how okay brian uh repeat that and put some reverb on it brian can you just oh superman it for me give me some laurie anderson juice like that kanye album okay give us a call 206-984-4FUN when something momentous happens to you that's 206-984-4FUN or just email us a voice memo jjjgoe at maximumfun.org. Just record it on your phone, hit that send button. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. I just finished my walk with my girlfriend, and I saw three ducks having sex together. It's two boys and a girl. Pretty freaky. Have a good one.

Bye. Yeah, awesome. Quack quack. But were the ducks involved in some sort of fantasy world? It says here that the ducks were playing Ticket to Ride, which does not qualify.

Yeah, that is said on our Earth. If you can buy it at target it doesn't count yeah sorry ducks uh i have i have an i have an odd walk site uh that i picked up on my fucking dumb little bullshit walk today yeah what was that you know our dumb bullshit walks that the government says we have to take stupid stupid, stupid walks. Okay, Mr. Fauci, I'm going to walk around my neighborhood. Jesus Christ. I'm in the street. God damn it.

I got another angry phone call from the lieutenant governor. I didn't take my stupid fucking walk today. I saw a man who was wearing a mask, which is a good policy, I think. I think we can all agree. We all applaud this man for staying safe, for having concern about his community, everybody around him. This mask was painted like a clown, and it had on a red clown nose on the end now i again kudos to this person for you know this this move towards safety uh kudos to them for having some fun with it but i i i don't like that it made me think maybe the purge was happening i mean it's a this it's only a matter of time until it's until somebody's got like a funny

bumper sticker on the back of their head yeah i mean jordan but i think once once we're doing clown masks in public i mean how how far behind could the purge be? Yeah, I mean, I don't mean to be rude or flippant here, but I think maybe the purge is happening. I mean, I'm not 100% either way on that, but it seems entirely within the realm of possibility. Yeah, well, if the new founding fathers have their way, it will. I've done a couple murders just in case. I just want to, you know, just be careful about it. You know what I mean?

Cover my bases. Sure. Yeah, you want to make sure when the actual perch does happen that you don't cramp up during those first couple murders. I want to have a smooth stab, a nice, smooth, silky stab. Let's take our next call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name is Lynn, and I'm calling with a momentous occasion. You see, I'm a trans woman,

and after nearly three decades of waiting, of fighting tooth and nail, I have finally started my transition. I actually just got home from the first appointment of many. It feels... it feels like a weight is finally lifting. It feels like I'm finally becoming me. And that feels good. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I love you both very much. And, as always,

without a base, without a trace. Bye. I'm glad that Lynn not only called in this incredibly important momentous occasion, but also made sure that it got on by dropping in a little pandering with a basically unrelated catchphrase from the show. Without a piece, without a trace? Yeah. without a piece without a trace yeah hey you know you know what i think you know i i say you know in these trying times all bets are off let's make it analogous every month holy shit really yeah you know what 2020 the rest for theinder of 2020. It's Anal August all year till January 2021. We're expanding our horizons.

We're trying new things without a base, without a trace. This is for Lynn. This is for the Anal Tempest. This is in praise of the great Anal Tempest. Long may she reign. This is an praise of the great anal tempest. Long may she reign. This is an extraordinary announcement. Jordan, you should have a daily briefing. Not if that fucker Fauci's out there telling us,

take a walk, take a dumb little walk. Walk around like a dork. Hello, this is the comptroller. You haven't taken your stupid fucking walk today. I hate that guy. Yeah, have a dumb walk, you dorks. Hi, my name's Frank. I'm calling from the Department of Fish and Game.

We checked on your dumb fucking walks and we can't find it. Maybe it's an administrative error on our part, but we don't make a lot of mistakes. Give me a call back. Yeah, pound sand, Frank. I'm not taking a fucking dumbass walk for jerks. We have neighborhood enforcement in my part

of the town where people are knocking on each other's doors like, fucking where's your walk? Where's your walk, you stupid little boy you little dummy it's all you can do now you can just take a walk and talk about tiger king that's all you can do yeah what what documentary are you gonna talk about on your stupid walk look out for sugar mans. Don't see us. Hope you don't find a sugar man on your dumb little stupid bullshit walk. I got a

mask painted like Fauci. I got a Fauci mask. Oh, boy. What's going on? I think Scott got elected block captain. Oh, yeah. You know I...

The White House can't be far behind. But hey, thank you to Lynn. Congratulations on your momentous occasion. Yes, congratulations, Lynn. And thank you for inspiring an entire year of Analogist. That's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing all around. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

We just got to take a quick walk. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Hello there, ghouls and gals. It is I, April Wolf. I'm here to take you through the twisty, scary, heart-pounding world of genre cinema on the exhilarating program known as Switchblade Sisters. The concept is simple. I invite a female filmmaker on each week and we discuss their favorite genre film.

Listen in closely to hear past guests like the Babadook director, Jennifer Kent, Winter's Bone director, Deborah Granik, and so many others every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. Tune in if you dare. It's actually a very thought-provoking show that deeply explores the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process while also examining film

through the lens of the female gaze. So, like, you should listen. Switchblade sisters. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Simpson, who loves you, who loves you.

Scott Simpson has returned from a years-long slumber, the podcast You Look Nice Today, with our friends Merlin Mann and Adam Lissagor. I listened. Look, this is my moment of freedom in my day, on a day-to-day basis these days, is once in a while I get to do the napping drive. I get to be the one who drives the minivan while the three-year-old hopefully goes to sleep. And on the

most recent napping drive I got to drive, got to take an opportunity to listen to You Look Nice Today colon California King. It was nice to hear my friend's voices being funny and talking about how the holes on the human body go much deeper than you'd expect. Thank you. Thanks, Jesse. I appreciate that. It was very fun to start doing that again. I also appreciate the pronounced colon out loud, as is proper. Yeah, well, without a base, without a trace, my friend. Yeah, it's been fun to start it again. It's great to talk to you guys again. It's so nice to have a chance to talk to you guys. Yeah, it's great to talk to you too, Scott. Yeah, Scott, you are one of the funniest guys around. You Look Nice Today is one of the funniest podcasts that there has ever been. And yeah, I think we're all glad you're back.

Thank you. It's nice to be back. I'm literally podcasting right now from underneath a poster, a poster-sized picture of the five of us, Jordan and me, and the three You Look Nice-a-Days at my wedding. Oh, really? That's a true story, folks. Hey. Isn't that sweet? That's a true story, folks. Hey. Isn't that sweet? That is very sweet.

You look like you're about to lick Merlin's ear. That sounds right. Did you draw a dick going in my mouth like I asked? You didn't have to ask, buddy. I was way ahead of you. Ah, there you go. Our producer on Jordan, Jesse Goh is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez patching this together with bailing wire and twine, bailing twine and wire, something along those lines.

You can find us on Twitter with the hashtag JJ go. You can also find us at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. Scott, are you at Scott Simpson? Yes. Yeah, that's what I thought. At Scott Simpson. Scott is not a huge volume Twitterer these days, but

he really gets his licks in, so to speak. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for JordanJesseGo and like that or join the Maximum Fun group there. You can also find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. We hope everybody's out there is getting by as best as they can. We love you all very much.

You're the greatest. And we're very grateful to you for your support. And hopefully this is something nice for you. we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.