Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 634: Granny Trappin with John Hodgman

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

John Hodgman (Judge John Hodgman podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse in an episode recorded before the pandemic for a deep dive on magnet fishing, a report from Jordan about his foray into the Nextdoor app, and the creation live on air of a brand new subreddit about John's favorite sport: extinct hockey. Plus, we listen to some stunning Walton Goggins Vodka songs!Check out John's Extinct Hockey subreddit!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, this week's Jordan Jesse Goh is with one of our favorite friends, the great John Hodgman from Judge John Hodgman. It was going to be our first Max Fun Drive episode during the Max Fun Drive, but the Max Fun Drive got postponed at the very

last minute because of world events. So this show is blessedly world events free. Yeah, so Jesse and I are in the same room for the show. That's a little weird. the same room for the show. That's a little weird. But, you know, it was a different time when people were in the same room. Yeah. And when we all talked about world events, the conference at Yalta. And, yeah, and this was going to be a Pledge Drive episode, so there might be a little bit of Pledge Drive chat in here, but that should be, but yeah, that's postponed,

and we'll let you know when it's back on. Yeah. Let's get to Jordan Jesse Goh and our friend Judge John Hodgman. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the magnet man. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Yeah, that's right. I'm the king of magnet fishing now jordan you mean you've been are you doing it or are you just looking at the magnet fishing subreddit a lot i have not done it even one time and i frankly wouldn't consider doing it right but you'll but you're but you're into it yeah well it's everybody's got to have a hobby i think we've talked about this on the show before but just for the for, but just for the audience who, you know, maybe is tuning in for the first time, who doesn't pay attention to the show,

but utilizes it as a kind of white noise to get to sleep. Yeah. Can you explain magnet fishing? Because I didn't know about this before you told me about it. Yeah, let's introduce our guest. I would love to. We have a very exciting guest, and he's a real nut about mags. He's a real mag it. Yeah. Let's introduce our guest. I would love to. We have a very exciting guest and he's a real nut about mags. He's a real mag nut.

Right. Not to be confused with a dag nut. Our guest, of course, the host. Zag nut's a candy, right? Zag nut. Thank you. Okay. Yeah.

You're right. It's the best candy bar. John, hold on. John Hodgman is the host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. He's the author of many wonderful books and a humorist, you know, from film and television. John Hodgman, welcome to Jordan Jesse Go. It's nice to have you joining us from your home office in Brooklyn, New York City. Brooklyn, New York City. And first of all, Zagnut, best candy bar.

Now, what is in a Zagnut? I just know it as like a comedy poll. It's like when you need a funny candy name, you'll say Zagnut, you know? Yeah. But- Zagnut made fun of its own name first. That was its marketing. Oh, yeah. You got to get out in front of it.

Yeah. Like Morgan Spurlock owned up to his own Me Too's. Zagnut bar made fun of its- I guess I don't know what is in it and or what its campaign was the Zagnut the reason that I like a Zagnut bar is that it is more savory than sweet and as listeners

to the Judge John Hodgman podcast no and as my friends Jesse Thorne and perhaps you too Jordan because I do count you a friend hey thanks no I do not have a I do not have a sweet tooth I have a alcohol I have an alcohol molar. See? Great.

I guess my tagline is a little stale. All right. No, it's great. It's memorable. Because there's not chocolate in a Zagnut. It is mostly peanut brittle with cocoa and toasted cocoa nut. But it doesn't have any gin in there, right? There's a little gin.

You can dunk it in gin. If you freeze it and use it to stir your martini, you might be getting some. Jordan, have you tried gin dunkaroos? I know, and apparently I haven't been living. My life starts today. Also, I would like you to reintroduce me by my new tagline or a radio name, Johnny Bubblicious. All right, Jesse, redo the intro. Our guest on the program is the host of the Morning Zoo over there on KYLD Wild FM.

Wild, wild, wild, Johnny Bubblicious. Johnny, whoa, behave. I'mblicious. Johnny Bubblicious. Oh, behave. I'm the soundboard that plays Austin Powers clips. Yeah. I figured you were just the real life Austin Powers. I am, baby. I'm here from the 60s.

To be politically incorrect. Rawr. Rawr. I am Johnny Bubblicious because while Jesse Thorne may be, what are you, the magnet fishing king? Yeah, I'm the magnet king. You're the magnet magnate. Yeah. Oh, that's good.

Good punch up, John. I don't do magnet fishing myself. My hobby these days is chewing up a bubble gum, typically Bubblicious, putting it on the end of the string and dropping it down drain pipes to get coins. Wow. putting on the end of the string and dropping it down drain pipes to get coins. Wow. Now, how much money do you think you've made, factoring in the cost of the gum? Zero money and three unfortunate encounters with a mystical evil clown.

I really, I can't blow bubble gum bubbles anymore because of the hazard of my expansive facial hair. But I feel like one of the great fears of my childhood was that I would blow a giant bubblegum bubble. And I loved bubblegum. Don't get me wrong, Jordan. Bubblegum in a dish? Yeah. Okay. How many pieces?

Is that what you're asking? Yeah. okay how many how many pieces is that what you're asking yeah uh i i feel like i it was hard to remember which of the bubble gums were the kind that's easy to peel off your face and which were the ones that just get stuck on your face yeah what were the easy to peel gums well there was like like one of the you know the ones that you buy actually in the candy area, not out of a jar. You know what I'm talking about? Like a bubble yum, that kind of thing. Right. Rather than.

Bubble yum, I feel like had a rep for not sticking all over your face. Yeah. Whereas like, I think that a flea gum or a bazooka gum those were dangerous but a bazooka maybe was in between i can't remember exactly uh the my my gum issue as a child yeah and let's john we'll get to your childhood gum issues after this because we're doing a childhood gum issue round table i had i had terrible gingivitis it's true um. Was like, I loved Big League Chew, but it is so, it would dissolve, and then I would accidentally swallow it.

Wow. Because it just became, it becomes not a solid. It becomes like a weird, grainy, like a grainy liquid in your mouth and then I would accidentally swallow it and then panic about the, you know, gum in my tummy that is going to grow into an acorn

tree. Yes, exactly. Now BL Chew, Big League Chew was the one that was in a phony chewing tobacco pouch. That was invented. And it came in shreds, right? Yeah. Instead of chewing tobacco, you would chew the gum.

And it had a big-cheeked cartoon baseball guy on it. And I think it was invented by Jim Boughton, the author of the humorous baseball memoir, Ball Four, the classic baseball memoir, Ball Four, that Elliot Kalin started a conversation with me about. Apparently sports hating our friend sports hating Elliot Kalin has read Ball 4. Very funny book. I've never heard of it. Was it invented? Brian, you're looking this up, right? It might have been invented by Bill Spaceman Lee.

That's also possible. But I think it was invented by Jim Bouton. It was created by Portland Mavericks left-hander Rob Nelson and bat boy Todd Field, then pitched Ha Ha to the Wrigley Company by fellow Maverick and former New York Yankee All-Star Jim Bouton. There you go. As a fun imitation

of the tobacco chewing lip cancer forming habit common among ballplayers in the 70s. It's a legitimately fun thing to pretend you're chewing tobacco, but it's actually bubble gum. Just as it's legitimately fun to smoke bubble gum cigarettes. Absolutely. Yeah.

And it's legitimately fun to inject yourself with bubble gum out of a candy syringe. And hey, who doesn't love a hit off the caramel bong, huh? Okay, so magnet fishing, guys. This is what magnet fishing is. You get, and I do know, I only know this. That's when a magnet pretends to be a model on the internet and then gets on a dating app. Magnets, how do they work?

Still pretty funny. I liked that. That was fun. It was great because it showed that the that even the most ridiculous among us have a well-developed sense of awe you know yeah yeah i really supported them in that endeavor i because honestly i went to college four years of college uh still don't know i have no idea how magnets work it's something about positives and negatives but i couldn't tell you i couldn't tell you either magnetic fields i believe and i'm not talking about the band yeah i was talking about the band i believed that they were

responsible for how magnets work so you get like a 500 pound magnet what if What if the answer to Insane Clown Posse's question, magnets, how do they work? Someone actually took them aside and go, well, there's a kind of emo art rock band. And they're like, we know, we've toured with them extensively on the weirdest double bill of all time.

Well, we gotta get the magnetic feels of the gathering. That's also how we know Yo-Yo Ma. You guys going to go see Limp Bizkit and Tame Impala this weekend? Yep. Look, that would be a cruise. All right, go ahead. Right, the upsetting dissonance cruise. Oh, boy, there would be so many Tame Impala fans getting pantsed.

Pantsed and wedgied. Yeah, that really is true. Oh, boy, there would be so many Tame Impala fans getting pantsed. Pantsed and wedgied. Yeah, that really is true. And then told they have a stain on their shirt and then getting their nose flicked. So you get yourself a 500-pound magnet, which is a magnet that I learned from this subreddit. If it has perfect contact on half-inch steel, can lift 500 pounds of materiel. Right. You get yourself... So the magnet itself does not weigh 500 pounds.

That's a ranking. Right, exactly. No, it's a power. It's a power ranking. Right. It's number two behind only the New England Patriots. Why? It is like a round about the size of a hockey puck, it looks like, magnet,

that has a carabiner on the back. You tie a rope to it using a rope knot that you learned when you were in Boy Scouts because 100%, if you're doing this, you were in Boy Scouts. I can verify this from the pictures of adult men doing it on this subreddit. 100% of them were in Boy Scouts. And then you throw it off a bridge and try to catch metal things under. Under the sea. The river.

Or under the water. Or under the sea. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, I think it's better down where it's wet. Yeah. Things are much hotter under the sea. Right. Well, it's better down where it's wetter. Yeah. Things are much hotter under the water.

Yeah. Am I the only one without a pull from the Little Mermaid song, Under the Sea? Yeah, come on. I feel like such a fool. You more of a Beauty and the Beast man? Hey. Sing us a little bit of Le Poussin. Can we do a Colors of the Wind run?

I couldn't even do that either. I feel like such a fool. You're like, I don't know, magenta? You had Zagnut almost literally in your pocket, and you couldn't come up with a... Yeah. But I had Zagnut in my pocket without knowing quite what a Zagnut was anyway. But here's the thing about magnet fishing that makes it so amazing. This is a subreddit with 55,000 members.

So this is not, it's, look, it's not, you know, model trains. So you're trying to kind of catch things that have become stuck under the river. Yeah. So you're trying to be in luck there, down in the muck there. There's one. Sorry. If I didn't come up with an under the sea lyric, I would have flogged myself like a Catholic saint when I got home. And yours was an original.

Yours was a freestyle. No, it wasn't. That's from the song. Really? Luck there, down in the muck there? Yeah, we in luck here, down in the muck here under the sea i didn't know that was that's a good good sebastian impression yeah let's not thank you i let's not do a sebastian impression actually i decided not to uh yeah um so you throw you know that lovable character from breakfast at

tiffany's i think he sounds a little something so So, but here is the thing. So, like, this is not that wildly dissimilar from some other hobbies that I can think of. Number one, standard fishing, where you use a baited hook to catch fish. Yeah, this is, you know, the term fishing comes from the fish. Yeah, exactly. So what you're describing is less fishing and more junking. Right, exactly. So what you're describing is less fishing and more junking. Yeah. Right, yeah. And then the second hobby that's similar to is metal detecting, right?

Like guys get a metal detector, and I'm saying guys because this is not something women do, but guys get a metal detector and they go out in a field and they go up and down looking for metal. But their dream is that if they do this long enough, they'll find a golden ring. They'll find gold. Yeah, that's best case scenario, right? It is a piece of treasure, like a scepter, a crown, just like a classic piece of treasure. Yeah, a doubloon. A doubloon, pirate sword. What would you say are the top five treasures? Okay, scepter. Yeah, a doubloon. A doubloon, pirate sword. What would you say are the top five

treasures? Okay. Scepter. Yeah, number one. Is that number one? I think it's sticking out of the chest. It's so prominent. It's sticking out of the chest. Yeah, okay. For me, personally, my personal treasure ranking, scepter's

got to be one. Because of its phallic shape? Well, it's prominence, yes. Okay. It's phallic prominence. Yes, exactly. It's erect prominence. Yeah.

I'm going to go scepter. I'm going to go crown. I'm going to go coin, because that makes up the bulk of the treasure. So you're saying coin, any coin. I mean, yeah. You're not even saying doubloon or piece of eight. I mean, I don't know what kind of treasure this is. I don't know if this is, you know, from a Spanish galleon.

I don't know if this is, you know, something Byzantine. I don't know. Right. But I know that there's a scepter. I know there's a crown. And I know there's a lot of coins that make up the bulk of it. Right. So that's top three.

Four, string of pearls. Yeah, I think that's right. I've agreed. And five, the friends we made along the way. John, top five treasures. Well, I wanted to wait out your list, first of all, to give the listeners a chance to fire up their email programs and start writing their incredibly verbose pushbacks on Jesse Thorne for saying that people could go magneto fishing for a ring of gold because gold is not magnetic. I didn't say that. I was building to something, John, which is that the problem with magnet fishing is you can't get anything good

it's impossible to get a good thing because the only valuable thing that's under the river is gold gold and you can't and gold is not magnetic and silver is silver silver earrings right and so what- I just wanted to give those listeners a chance to write their email and waste all their time. I was building to that before we got into the treasure rankings. So this is what- I'll just improvise some hold music

while people write their angry emails. Dear sir. What? Your call is important to us. So here are the top posts over the last year on slash r slash magnet fishing on Reddit. Right. First of all, a suit of armor. Now, I'm not going to tell you that this is a historical suit of armor. Now, I'm not going to tell you that this is a historical suit

of armor. This is very clearly like, left over from a Spanish restaurant or something like that. I mean, you can see. This is not... It's holding a sword, for one thing. Yeah, sure. This is a thing that was found, or a thing that someone is hoping for? That's a thing that someone

found. Someone pulled that out of what looks like a beautiful bucolic lake. Yeah, I mean, it is clearly a prop from something. It's fucking cool, though. It is pretty good. I'd put that in my garden. There's no doubt about that. And the kind of rust and the wear and tear of the river has made it look pretty ancient. Yeah, it does look quite ancient. Number two it does look quite ancient. Number two.

That's what you get when you go magneto fishing outside of Riverrun, the ancient family castle of the Tullys in Game of Thronesland. Number two is a hatchet that was really beat up and the person who found it cleaned it up with their son and it looks very nice now. Okay. Wrapped a handle around it, shined it up, gave it up with their son, and it looks very nice now. Okay.

Wrapped a handle around it, shined it up, gave it a blade again. Also pretty cool. Then you got a gun and a mortar. Yeah. So people are just trying to get weapons, right? Weapons is a big part of this hobby, as far as I can tell.

There's a lot of machetes. Everyone really is trying to get a sword. Ultimately, people are shooting for a sword. I mean, there's a lot of machetes. Everyone really is trying to get a sword. That's ultimately people are shooting for a sword. I mean, that's a great goal. Then like number five on this list with 1.9 thousand upvotes. So nearly 2000 people both saw this and clicked an arrow. Yeah. Is just a computer covered in mud is just a computer covered in mud.

Just a computer covered in mud. I mean, it does everything you've shown me. Everything that gets pulled out of it has a really kind of captivating, haunted look to it. That is true. So, I mean, maybe they are just kind of into the aesthetic of something that has been, you know, under the water, That is true. that is called Mudlarking. Okay. And that is when you go on a beach at low tide, or particularly along the banks of the River Thames.

I know this because my wife is reading a book about mudlarking at the River Thames. And you just dig through the mud and pull out all kinds of weird stuff. Mudlarking at the River Thames sounds like a movie that would have been nominated for an Oscar in 1996. I felt like it sounded like a, what's the band? XTC. Oh, sure. XTC. Mudlarking. Right. I may have read that book that your wife is reading because I read a book that had a whole part about mudlarking at the River Thames. It ultimately became about the birth of epidemiology as they track down a cholera epidemic. But the first chapter is just about different garbage collecting jobs of Victorian England,

including glimmers and people who collect poop. That was a big job. Sure. That's called a gong farmer. I'm not joking. Just learned that word. Wait, wait. So I guess I don't know what mudlarking is still.

Well, it's like magneto fishing, but instead of using a magnet, you use your own hands. Oh, okay. To pull out stuff that has been dumped into the river or to the ocean and then got stuck in the mud. And you're trying to find, like, because it's the banks of the River Thames and London has been there for 1,800 years or whatever it is, you're looking for, like, a teacup from 1820. Gotcha. Basically.

Yeah. That's the one thing everyone's looking for. And if you don't find that 1820 teacup, you throw it back. It's like a game. For most of the history of London, the Thames was where you put all of your garbage. So I guess if you were magneto fishing or mudlarking in America, the best you can hope for is something that was- A wheat penny.

I was going to say something that was like discarded off the wall of a TGI Fridays in 1995. Yeah, that's right. The next thing on the list on the magnet fishing is a full-size trampoline. Like, I'm talking about like a 10, 12-foot across trampoline. Which, number one, I don't know how they pulled that out. Number two, I have no idea how a trampoline. Which, number one, I don't know how they pulled that out.

Number two, I have no idea how a trampoline gets into a river. Yeah. That's a big concern for me. Number three, trampolines are not the safest hobby in the best of circumstances. I mean, you have to sign a lot of waivers if you go to that indoor trampoline park or whatever. Yeah. And I'm sure they built those for maximum safety. that indoor trampoline park or whatever. Oh, yeah.

And I'm sure they built those for maximum safety. I don't know how much I would trust a previously submerged trampoline. I mean, if you're using an old trampoline and the rebound is low, there's a chance you might not break your neck in half using it. Yeah. You might actually survive being on it.

Then from then on, it's basically just knives and guns. But the thing is, if you find a knife or a gun underwater... It was used in a crime? It's nothing. Well, A, it was used in a crime,

but B, it's not like you can like, oh gosh, I wish I had a knife. And then you throw your magnet and you pull a knife out. You're like, perfect. This will do exactly right. I'll cut with this. You're basically pulling a piece of driftwood out of the water. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Here's your related communities for the magnet-fitching subreddit. I want to. Give me mudlarkers. It's suggesting alternatives. The first one, you guys won't be surprised to hear, is metal detecting. As it should be. Number two, Axec detecting. As it should be. Number two,

Axe Craft. Metal detectoring. Yeah, metal detecting. No, metal detecting. Well, they spelled it wrong then. Well, maybe your detectorist's fueled expertise is only applicable in the United Kingdom. I think I know a little bit more than a Reddit board dedicated

to this hobby by actual practitioners because i watched a tv show three seasons three seasons of a wry comedy called detectorists number two is called axe craft a place to show some love for axes and saws uh number three r slash cunnilingus is the third one? Well, you know, eating ain't cheating. Sure. Number four is CVS Receipts, a place to post all your images of receipts from CVS. I'm going to join that community so, so hard. Number five is trains.

I think that makes sense. The home for all things Iron Horse. Right. Which is just another word for trains. I think that makes sense. The home for all things, Iron Horse. Right. Which is just another word for trains. Number six is Crossview. Crossview is dedicated to the stereoscopic free viewing method of cross viewing. This is Magic Eye, the Reddit group.

This is all so wholesome. I mean, when I think of Reddit, you could be looking at something wholesome, but the darkness is right over its shoulder. It's such a, you're like, oh, I'm going to look at old training videos from Chuck E. Cheese. I want to see some old training videos from Chuck E. Cheese. I want to see some old training videos from Chuck E. Cheese. I'm going to go to Reddit. And then three clicks, you're getting a dragon fucking a car. Or three or fewer. But this seems to be a little web of kind of wholesome, kind of 1950s style, you know, outdoor shenanigans.

This is all, in my mind, things that guys who would wander through a hobby store are doing instead of bomb building. Sure. Channeling that energy. They came to a fork in the road And they took the road less traveled And it was bomb building Then fossil ID That's fun for fossils I know you're a paleo nut Jordan

You know me Then ask Ask a shitty mechanic Is the next one What is this thing And gerariums What in the world is a gerarium? Gerarium, your own mini ecosystem. Oh, I thought it was maybe a terrarium where all the animals inside have a little jerry curl. That'd be cute, huh? Yeah. Liguana. My terrarium has the wet look.

John, do you mess around on Reddit at all? I'm sorry. I'm too busy looking at R slash CVS receipts right now. What were you talking about? I was wondering if you mess around on Reddit yourself. I've recently taken to Reddit because I've enjoyed the Maximum Fun subreddit, which is also a very wholesome place. Yeah, pretty wholesome.

But as I mentioned to Jesse Thorne on Judge John Hodgman, and as you pointed out, Jordan, the darkness is just around the corner on Reddit. And it was not long before I discovered Am I the Asshole? A Reddit for people writing in saying how they acted like assholes and they wanted to confirm that they were assholes or they didn't think they were acting like assholes. And then people vote. And it's a really kind of dark version of Judge John Hodgman. Oh, boy.

And it has quickly replaced Yelp as my favorite collection of short fiction written by highly unreliable narrators. It's really very dramatic and depressing. I think you actually remind me to double back to, I recently joined Nextdoor. Uh-huh. But I wanted to ask, John, I know you're a fan of hockey teams that aren't around anymore. Yeah, that's the only sport I'm into is extinct hockey teams. That seems to be something you could that that would have a reddit community around it oh let's find out if there is i'm gonna be very mad that i that i

didn't know about it extinct hockey let's see what happens uh sorry there was no community results for extinct hockey wow how do i start a community create community oh this is very exciting extinct hockey topics add a primary topic uh activism addiction support careers ethics oh extinct hockey it's right here in the pull-down menu i'll say sports i guess right yeah i think so huey lewis sports this is a discussion. How should I phrase it? This is a discussion area for fans of the Hartford Whalers and other extinct hockey teams. My name is John Hodgman. The end. Okay? It is totally public.

Wow. Adult content. Should I make it an 18- year old community i mean i think just just just plan ahead for you know i mean that's gonna that's gonna get saucy right it's gonna be my job to moderate this now yeah i mean this might become a full-time job depending on how popular this gets oh boy yep there we go extinct underscore hockey yeah i am joined i don't like that and now it wants me to create the ideal extinct hockey post i'll get to that later okay what do you have to think about what that would be yeah i mean for you it's the you're interested in mainly the logos i like the logos of the hartford whalers and the the quebec nordiques uh the Atlanta Flames is a cool logo.

A lot of these teams that I got interested in joined the NHL after being part of the World Hockey League in the 1970s and redesigned their logos then. So it's that really deep, thick line, Aaron Draplin-style 70s design that I like. Have either of you guys fucked around on the Nextdoor app? No, is that where you spy on your neighbors? Guys, I got so sucked into Am I

the Asshole? Oh, just now? Yeah, give us an example of what... of a sad short... They're like these miniature Raymond Carver sad short stories about broken families and lives. Am I the Asshole for donating my deceased daughter's college fund instead of

giving it to my husband's daughter? Whoa. Am I the asshole for leaving my girlfriend crying upstairs to play poker with the boys downstairs, which by the way, take some crazy turns and ended up being judged. Not an asshole. Yeah.

I read that one. It was, that was a roller coaster. Oh my gosh. some crazy turns and ended up being judged not an asshole. Yeah, I read that one. That was a roller coaster. Oh, my gosh. The really intense one that I read that was profoundly sad was, am I the asshole for telling my soon-to-be ex-husband he will not be allowed in the birthing room? Okay. Yeah.

There's also all of our mutual buddies. There's also all of our mutual buddies. Nick Weiger is very into a subreddit called r slash dead bedrooms. It's about people who are married but don't fuck anymore. It's wild. It's wild. Oh, the level of darkness. We're talking about below the surface.

This is right there. There's no dog whistling here. No, uh-uh. It's just intense. Pure darkness. Intense feeling. What's this? I've never been a member of Nextdoor. All I've ever heard about it is that it's a local social media platform dedicated to letting you know when someone of the wrong race walks past your neighborhood.

Yeah. John, is this something you've done at all? No. Okay. So I had heard that too, is that it is a place to kind of, you know, it's kind of a local thing. You kind of join a little social network for your neighborhood. Yeah. your neighborhood yeah and you know i think the idea is to you know communicate with people in your community you know etc etc but kind of the you know the reputation the reputation the thing

i've heard about it is that it's a place to see how awful your neighbors are yeah it's a place for you know just like you know very local concerns and you. And, you know, it's usually, yeah, it's usually just kind of like, you know, I saw a teen in a hoodie, you know, kind of that sort of thing. And I want to be clear, as I replayed the way that I described it in my mind, I don't think I was quite clear enough that that wasn't my perspective on my neighborhood. Yeah. So I want to be clear. That's what I've heard other people do on this app.

Yeah. And I find that behavior to be despicable. So these are just people ratting out their neighbors and strangers in the neighborhood to fuel paranoia and increase division, correct? Yeah. I think that is what you will hear about it, yeah. Or looking for lost pets. But they're written reports. It's not like nextdoor.com has posted a lot of cameras

all over these neighborhoods so you can monitor them. You can monitor the streets from the safety of your home. No, not that I know of. It's not like the doorbell cameras that everyone's into, where they're trading pictures of people who come to their doors. Right, exactly. But we can all agree it's fun on one of those when the Amazon guy does a little dance.

You've seen those? Those are fun. I feel like an Amazon guy comes sometimes and he does a little dance and it goes viral. Next Door is a brand that's carefully chosen for either approachability or to be suitable for pornography. That is, oh, it is not suitable for pornography.

No, to be suitable for pornography. Like, I feel like if I had an app on my phone called Nextdoor, it would either be a very friendly app or a pornography app. How, what about... You're defining an app. What about the, what about the,

what about it seems like it would have pornography on it? I'm having trouble following your logic. It just feels like a subreddit dedicated to a specific kind of pornography. Like peeping? I haven't nailed down what exactly the type of pornography is. Something about it arouses you. No, it's not. Something about the phrase next door.

It concerns me. It arouses you. Again, it gives me pause. It gives you, yes, you have a trepidation boner right now. So I got like a hard copy piece of junk mail for next door with like a code to get into, you know, your neighborhoods next door. Well, I'll give this a shot. This might maybe this is who knows. I'd like to see what everybody's talking.

You're still doing comedy, right? So this could be some material for you. We're talking about it. I'm your dad. I'm your dad in this situation. Oh, thanks. Thanks, Dad. And Jordan, like you don't love social media.

I know that about you. You know, thanks, Dad. And Jordan, you don't love social media. I know that about you. You use Twitter. You'll post a joke every once in a while. You'll post Jordan Jesse Go when it goes up. You avoid Facebook. You're not on Instagram. Yeah. But I do know how much you love junk mail.

I do. I do. I love a value pack of coupons. Oh, yeah. You're getting 20% off your Indian food. Pick up only. Not delivery. They can't deliver it with those margins. A couple bucks off on a car wash. Sure.

And let's not forget the good folks at Bed Bath & Beyond. Wait a minute, Jordan. Are we talking about CVS receipts again? I don't know. Are we? You guys should look at that CVS receipts. You understand what the CVS receipts thing is all about, right? How long they are?

Yeah. It's just people posting pictures of their incredibly long cvs receipts they are pretty long yeah it's pretty fun my best piece of junk mail or the one that i always think about now dates back at least 20 years i received a mailer from domino's pizza at my apartment in manhattan when i lived there and it was addressed lived there. And it was addressed to, not to me, it was addressed to a pizza lover or current resident. Now, pizza lover, that seems like a pornography. Yeah, but we hope pizza lover is still living there. But if not, maybe you pizza neutral person who's living there now could give this a shot pizza liker pizza lover or current

resident pizza lover is a porn name for sure oh yeah um so i joined the next door and i and my initial scroll i found it to be as comically wholesome as the magnet fishing subreddit really the number one most talked about thing when I booted it up for the first time was people- When you booted it up, huh? When I booted it up. Yeah, I flipped that big red switch. I still have a reel-to-reel supercomputer from the 80s. You had to make some adjustments to the BIOS,

but once you did that- And I had to turn on all the cooling fans. You said when you booted it up? Yeah. You're talking about when you puked it on a beach in Quincy in high school? Is that a Massachusetts term for puking? Yeah, to boot. Yeah, to boot.

Boot and rally. Boot and rally. Yeah. So the number one thing people were talking about when I first scrolled down next door, the most popular, their version of upvote was someone wanting to start a neighborhood canasta club. Holy shit. And a canasta is also one of those things that I know is a comedy pole, but I don't

quite know what it is. It's like an old person's board game. It's a board game? I thought it was a card game. It might be a card game. Something like that. It's like Bridge or something, isn't it? Yeah.

That makes sense. It is. It's from the Spanish for basket. It's a card game of the Rummy family of games. I believe it'll be a variant of 500 Rum. And to be clear, Jordan, Los Angeles is a very suburban city relative to other cities of its size, but you live in a relatively urban part of Los Angeles. This is apartment dwellers. If you're picturing cul-de-sacs at home,

that's not Jordan's lifestyle. Yeah. So Canasta Club, a lot of enthusiasm about. Really? How many comments on Canasta Club? Enough to make it the top post. Yeah. And it was, so we're Canasta Club. Canasta, by the way, could also be a pornography thing. Do you think this is a genuine, like, old person Canasta Club? Or is this some, like, oh, my Mahjong tiles didn't arrive, so I thought it would be hilarious to play Canasta. Right. I don't know. Good question. I didn't. There's only one to play Canasta. Right. I don't know. Good question.

I didn't. There's only one way to find out. Exactly. Join the Canasta Club. Undercover Canasta with Jordan Morris. I think hipsters these days are into axe throwing and whist. Right. Don't wake daddy.

We just bring over some micro brews and we play a little mousetrap. Don't wake daddy. We just bring over some micro brews and we play a little mouse trap. Don't wake daddy. I forgot about that one. No, yeah. It's easily the best game about not waking daddy. Yeah, also a good porn app. Sure. Would you start a Parcheesi club for your neighborhood and post it next door and see who comes by?

Again, I don't quite know what Parcheesi is. I know it as a comedy poll, but yeah, I should post about the Parcheesi Club and see if there's enough and see if it gets more or less enthusiasm than the Canasta Club. Here's the post. Hey, my name's Jordan and I live here. Come teach me Parcheesi. First explain what it is. Remember in college when our friends started a Risk Club and then it just like tore a bunch

of friendships apart? Oh, I'm not surprised. That is the number one thing risk does. Got a hole up in Australia. Just hole up in Australia. Let everybody else take each other out. So, Canasta Club. Yeah.

A kitten had a hurt paw, and the owner was wondering about good vets of the area. Had a fun photo of the little kitty. Oh, but did it show its little herd paw? It did. Oh, no. He had an ouchie. Was it wrapped in, I'm imagining it wrapped in a little tiny bandage.

He had a little thing around it, yeah. Oh, that's sweet. Oh, nice. And I'm scrolling down this thing, and I'm like, what in the world do people have? This is so wholesome. This is Ned Flanders' Facebook. Do you want me to Reddit it for you? Do you want me to show you the dark side of all these posts?

Yeah, I mean, okay. Canasta Club is obviously a dude trying to trap some grannies. Right, that's his sexual kink is granny trapping what was the next one trapping and fapping am i right yeah um what was after the canastic cave so the one that i clicked like on yeah oh the hurt paul by the way that's a munchausen's by proxy situation interspecies munchausen's by proxy intentionally. Oh, wow. Interspecies Munchausen's by proxy. He's intentionally injuring his cat so he gets more sympathy. Yeah. So the one that I clicked like on was someone who said,

hey, just wanted to post here that the best croissants in town are from the Delice Bakery. Always love grabbing a croissant from the Delice Bakery. And I'm like, oh, that's a great tip. I love a breakfast pastry. I'm going to click like on that and remind myself to head from the Delice Bakery. And I'm like, oh, that's a great tip. I love a breakfast pastry. I'm going to click like on that and remind myself to head to the Delice Bakery. What are your top five breakfast pastries? I mean, number one is scone.

I just love a scone. I'm having such a scone moment in my life right now. I think about scones so much. I was just reading in Mademoiselle that scones are having a moment. That feels more of an afternoon tea. Oh, I'm having it at 8.30. Sweet or savory? Whatever you got.

I'm only a savory scone man. Get your cranberries out of my scone. I don't want any blueberries right now. No currants? No. Not a single currant? No. Oh, heavens.

Save the currants for your pastilles. That's what I say. Yeah. Top three your pastilles. That's what I say. Yeah. Top three breakfast pastries. Scone donut croissant. Scones, dones, and crones. Stones, dones, and crones. Do you like a standard croissant?

Do you like a chocolate croissant or a cheesy croissant? Whatever you got. Ham and cheese croissant? Ham and cheese. I love a ham and cheese croissant. When I- Chorizo. I've had a chorizo in a croissant.

That sounds fantastic. It's ruled. Sold one chorizo croissant to me. I feel like a ham and cheese croissant is something that when I'm traveling, I can buy at a local coffee shop that is enough food that I feel like I ate breakfast when there isn't breakfast available at the hotel in an affordable form. Yeah, it's a good one. Jesse's got some great snack hacks, I have to say, having traveled with Jesse on the road, as you have as well, Jordan. Sure. Jesse likes a snack? Nay, Jesse needs a

snack. Yeah, migraine triggers, got to manage them. Yeah, and I'm someone who, like, I'm a little snack averse, i'm trying i'm trying to keep the tummy down you know what i mean but when i'm with jesse i'm like i'm gonna snack it up yeah and he always knows he always has some great snack hacks ham and cheese croissant yeah um what's another snack hack well you let's get off let's get off the road and go to this old bookstore that is also a diner or whatever and yeah, that was great. Handful of nuts. Yeah, handful of nuts. Handful of nuts. Tough to beat.

So Jordan, what was the... So I clicked like on the Delise Bakery. Yeah. And just, I'm like, I don't know what people's deal with this next door thing. It seems innocuous enough to me. Oh, it's a child trafficking ring. Delise Bakery. But then I got email.

I had not appropriately changed my email setting. So I got email updates every time someone would post on this Delisa Bakery post. Yeah, sure. And then it was peep. So this person made a post, try the croissants. And then the next 10 posts were people going fuck that place, those are the worst croissants in town. They don't even make them with real butter. I've been to France

and I've had croissants and just people bragging about having been to France and then having, like, what the best croissant in France is. It was just the most, and we got a Passover for cake from there and had to throw it in the trash. People hate, hating the Delice Bakery.

Might as well have been a Lent cake. Yeah. It's a Passover cake that tasted like a Lent cake. And so I saw the vitriol and the darkness in Next Door all directed at the Delice Bakery. Fucking Delice Bakery. And you know what? I went there.

I was so curious because it had stuck in my brain. That's a lot of emotion about croissants. Yeah. All just all cat. Fuck that place. Fuck that place, people said. Anyway, I grabbed a croissant. Pretty good. Yeah. It was pretty good. What kind did you get? Shine back in.

Just a standard croissant and a nice coffee. Nice way to start the day. Yeah, that sounds nice. It was nice. The iced coffee didn't have a ton of ice in it. Okay. It melted pretty quick, and the coffee became, you know, just kind of- Yeah, tepid.

You know what? Fuck that place. Fuck it. I've been to France. I've been to France. They have ice there. Anyway. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, a lot of folks have been asking, what can I do to help MaxFun? We're very grateful for any help you have. We're, of course, grateful for everybody who joins MaxFun at MaximumFun.org slash join. But there's also something that you can do that does not involve penny one that will make a big difference for us. Yeah. MaxFun is running a survey to figure out which advertisers are a good fit for our audience. We are still audience supported, but advertising is important to us.

And of course, right now, things are a little up in the air. So being able to tell advertisers what kind of person actually listens to our shows makes a big difference. It's a real quick survey, less than 10 minutes. You get something at the end. You get a discount in the Max Fund store, and we will be very grateful to you. You can fill out the survey at MaximumFund.org slash ad survey. That's MaximumFund.org slash ad survey.

You know what I suggest? What's that? Go to MaximumFund.org slash ad survey. You know what I suggest? What's that? Go to MaximumFun.org slash ad survey. Fill out the survey and then go to the MaxFun store and get yourself a discounted Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt because what do we all need now more than anything? A nice comfy t-shirt. Yeah. Get yourself a nice comfy tee.

You deserve it. It's more important than ever. Guess what? Nobody's going to understand the reference on it, but it doesn't matter. You're it. It's more important than ever. Guess what? Nobody's going to understand the reference on it, but it doesn't matter. You're not talking to anybody. No, you're at home. If there's a spouse or a roommate, just explain the reference

to them, and then you don't have to do it again. Yeah, or just explain the reference to a pet. Right. If you have a pet in the home, explain the reference to the pet. You're already talking to the pet. Admit it. Yeah. We know. We know you've gone insane.

Hey, we got something on the Jumbotron, too. Yeah. Something for Drew Christensen from Daisy Raymondson. And this is the message. Hello to my nice husband, Drew. Of all the people I could have been stuck quarantined with, I'm lucky you're the one. Yeah. That's like the most wholesome shit anyone's ever said on Jordan Jessica.

Man, yeah, that is a fucking pie cooling on a goddamn shit-eating windowsill. And here we are, a couple of 1930s riding-the- the rails hobos to steal it and befoul it. Befoul? Are we going to fuck the pie? That's what the hobos were doing. Jason Biggs style? Yeah, that's where Jason Biggs got the idea. Wow, from watching old hobo footage from the 30s?

No, no, he was a hobo during the Great Depression. Oh, huh. Well, I didn't, man, it's been ao during the Great Depression. Oh, huh. Well, I didn't, man, it's been a long time since I've seen that movie. I just remember him running around to that Blink-182 song. Yeah, his key was a little older than his character when they made that movie. Oh, I see. Okay. They do that a lot in show business where they'll cast an actor who's a little older

than the character. Yeah, sure. You know, the character was like late teens or something. Yeah, I mean, it's hard. There's like rules with kids on set. You gotta have a teacher and stuff. So yeah, I guess, you know, for a teenager, you can have...

Biggs at the time was like in his mid-70s. Right, yes. So the pie fucking thing was improvised based on something he saw hobos do? Yeah, and then those guys, they rewrote the whole dang movie around it. It was one of those on-set things. It was actually, a lot of people don't know this, but uncredited, Tony Kushner.

Wow. Yeah. Tony Kushner did the rewrite on that. He saw the dailies where Jason Biggs had used his sense memory to recall how he used to fuck pies back when he was a hobo in the Great Depression. Right. And then Tony Kushner recognized that as a possible signature moment for the film. And he rewrote the whole thing pretty extensively right there on set. Boy, I mean, a lot of people say that his finest work is Angels in America, but not

me. Nope. Angels in America is a piece of shit compared to American Pie 1. Well, I would say I hear that. I know there's a lot of Angels in America people. There's a lot of American Pie 1 people. I think some of his best work is in American Pie 5, one of the ones that only has Eugene Levy. Right, yes, the directed DVD one starring Eugene Levy and a guy playing Stifler's cousin.

Okay, if you want to get up on the Jumbotron and share a message with somebody, it's affordable, it's easy. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And me, John Hodgman, host of the Judge John Hodgman Podcast and founder of the one and only extinct underscore hockey subreddit. The creation of a new subreddit. How often do you get to hear that on a podcast? It's like something that Roy Batty the Android would see out in space.

The birth of a star. It was a real thrill for me. It was like that feeling you get when you're watching people in a movie solve a crime and somebody's typing furiously. Right. It gives that feeling. a crime and somebody's typing furiously right gives that feeling amazing i guess what i'm saying is for a moment john hodgman became justin long right extinct hockey now is 24 members by the way so i'm very excited yeah um yeah i mean now now how will where will the darkness lurk extinct hockey so far it's just people posting wikipedia pages

between the blades of the zamboni yeah that's right for the for the cleveland barons who played from 1976 to 1978 oh uh for the uh the minnesota north stars uh they they have a great they have a great logo they they became the dallas stars in 1993 and um let's see uh this user rope rope erasers it's really hard to figure out what these people's names are asks do minor league teams count my first hockey going experience would have been to an eerie panthers game the logo looked like the logo looks like it was designed by a semi-talented high school student and it's but i appreciate its bold rejection of capitalization and sure enough the logo eerie and panthers are both lowercase okay and the panther itself is not really a panther it's

more like um half a panther it's very disturbing if you want to check it out just go over to subreddit slash r slash extinct underscore hockey uh erie erie's my hometown i grew up watching the erie panthers really wow but they don't exist anymore right no the the erie otters now where where did they play brian at your elementary school yeah at the uh the 5 000 seat uh arena downtown yeah now we're talking i'm ready for that i minor league hockey count me in. Get in there. Yeah, give me a footlong hot dog.

Is Arena Football still a thing? No, Arena Football is over, but there's a new football league that has some L.A. teams. Okay. Yeah, I'm bummed about Arena Football because it combined the brutality of football with the sense assault of going to a basketball game. Right. Both. Yeah. Hey, we got some calls, Brian.

Some people who have given us a call, and now we're going to play them. Yeah. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and let's see, John Leguizamo. Yeah, close. This is Joe from New York City. I first started listening to you guys in 2006, 2007, when I moved to another country to go to graduate school, get a PhD. Through thick and thin, you guys have always been there for me. I really appreciate it.

I've been an assistant professor for about nine years. And I've been waiting to find out if I'm going to get tenure, which means I get to keep my job. And my chair has just asked me to call him. So I'm going to call him right now. Hi, John. It's Joe. Good. How are you, John?

Uh-huh. That's very nice to hear. I've been recommended for tenure. Yes. OK. No. No, thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's right. Okay, Joe. Get off the phone, Joe. Thank you so much, John. And thank you for all your help making it happen. Come back to us now, Joe. See you later. Bye. All right. Thanks, guys. I'm going to go tell my wife now love you

wow it's a little awkward because uh that's funny because that's the other side of a a wrong phone call that i got earlier today this guy called he said john i'm like oh yeah did i make tenure you're like uh sure yeah i'm i definitely recommend you for tenure no that's fantastic congratulations how did he do that technically does he have two phones yeah everybody every professor at columbia has two phones by the way i've met joe before he teaches at columbia huh yeah they have to have two phones you gotta have two phones one for calling podcasts and one for calling profs. Yeah, I guess so. Double life.

Totally amazing. Well, hey, you know what they say, publish or perish. Yeah, thank you, Jordan. That's the one thing I know. Thank you. That they say about that line of work. Hey, Joe, how about getting to work on your syllabus? Right.

Okay. Yeah, Joe, how about getting to work on your syllabus? Right. Okay. Yeah, right. And teaching all those snowflakes. You need trigger warnings. Hey, Joe, can we have class outside? Yeah, Joe, hopefully you're a cool teacher. Sit in the chair backwards. Have class outside when it's nice. Can I say

one thing I know about Joe, who I met at some meetups in New York. He teaches classics. He teaches Latin. So he's definitely not a cool teacher. 100% no. Wait a minute. Doesn't that basically make him the dead poet society guy?

The ultimate cool teacher. I bet he is a cool teacher. I take it all back. Listen, just wear jeans and a blazer, you know, Oxford shirt underneath, no tie. You're going to look great. Just roll the AV card in and show iClaudius. There you go. Oh, yeah.

If you want to win over some hearts and minds of your students, show that iClaudius. You could also do like a plaid shirt with a knit tie. Oh, yeah. That would look great. That's a perfect idea. That's the, that's called the Adam Scott on parks and recreation. Look,

there you go. Yeah, of course. Um, yeah. Uh, way to go. I mean,

I think, can you, can you integrate Jordan, Jesse go into your syllabus? I think that's the next challenge. You know, Joe, one time I know a lot of things about Joe.

Yeah. Clearly you and Joe are best friends. Joe's big claim to fame is he helped translate the Latin phrases that run in the credit sequence of John Oliver's show. Oh. Oh. Interesting. What is he a

professor of? Latin phrases? Yeah, Latin phrases. Well, Latin phraseology is the science of Latin phrases. Right. Well, vini, vidi, vici, Joe. Sure. Brian, do weology is the science of Latin phrases. Right. Well, vini, vidi, vici, Joe. Sure. Brian, do we got a new call in there? Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. Hey, Brian. And I'm going to guess Jamie Loftus. Close. Oh, it's me, Tyler, baseball hero of New Hampshire. I'm taking a road trip and I stopped to go pee. Hold on. Pause this. I'm taking a road trip and I stopped to go pee. Hold on, pause this.

Have we made a decision on whether Tyler is allowed to just give himself a nickname for calling in? I didn't hear the nickname. Baseball Hero of New Hampshire. Okay. I don't recognize this person. We don't know him. We don't know this person. No.

But he has given himself a nickname in calling in to us. Apparently, you know our other caller Joe's whole resume, so I assumed. It's a curriculum vitae, but yes. All right. Well, let's hear the call play out and see if he earns that nickname in any way. He's going to have to do something heroic. Yeah. Not that the nicknames on this show have any basis in reality.

Well, what about Kurt Explodo Anderson? That's true. He does. He really did love firecrackers when he was a kid. Okay. So some of the nicknames do have basis in reality. Yeah. But yeah, let's hear them out.

I'm suspicious too, though. I agree with you. And I put my $1.50 in for Oreos, but, you know, the vending machines, the Oreos didn't come out. They were just kind of hanging over the ledge. And I was too shy or conflict-avoidant to shake the vending machine or say anything to anyone or ask for help in any way. So now I'm short of $1.50 and short of my sweet, sweet num-nums. So, yeah, I'm a little bitch boy, and I hope you guys have a great day. Roll them.

Love you. Bye. Now he reverse earned it. Did he say, I'm a little bitch boy? No. Did this guy's dominatrix tell him to call the show? Baseball hero ofpshire and little bitch boy he's a little bit short on his num nums i swear i heard little bitch boy and i'll listen

i'm not saying you haven't heard little bitch boy i'm just saying in this call that phrase did not come up okay i it did seem like he he was he was participating in some voluntary public shaming yeah our segment moments of shame oh yeah wow people have been using this to get off this whole time it's the whole point of Jordan Jesse go that's how they get their num nums now yeah I mean num nums could be anything it could be a pack of Oreos from a vending machine, or it could be blasting super hard because a podcast is making fun of you. I'll tell you this. Tyler is not, in my opinion, the baseball hero of New Hampshire, but I do have a new baseball hero. Yeah. There was this guy who is, you know, in spring training, they have guys who are like on the team, and then they have guys who are trying to make the team, and then they have guys who are trying to make the team and then they have guys

who are around. Yeah. You know what I mean? Especially at the beginning, they're just trying to fill at bats and innings pitched while everybody gets some work in. You know what I mean?

The Giants, my favorite baseball team, have a new guy and his name is, and he's not a threat to make the team, but his name is Yapson Gomez. name is Yapson Gomez.

Okay. Yapson Gomez is a very good looking guy. And he's a pitcher, left-handed pitcher. And he does a dance before he, and I can only characterize it as a dance, that is so ornate and beautiful that it almost left me in tears. It has jab steps. It has shimmies. There's a mid-knee lift hesitation.

Is this before he pitches? Yes. This is all part of his pitching motion. Wow. Like, he is going like, wah, wah, wah. Yeah. And are there gifs? Yeah. Oh, wah, wah, yeah. And are there GIFs? Yeah.

Oh, there's a GIF. I'm going to show you Yapson. This is my dude now. I'm basically dedicating my life to my man Yapson because it is truly the most remarkable thing I've ever seen in my life. And this is a guy who, I don't know, I feel like Yapson Gomez should already have been famous for this.

That's my feeling about Yapson Gomez. But you said he's not, he will probably not make the team. No, no, this is not, this is a guy. He's not good enough at baseball. He's a 26-year-old who has not played above a single or double A. So he's a ways from the majors. But take a look at my man Yapson here. Wait, here I go.

I'm watching the GIF. He's doing kind of a chicken thing. There's like a chicken scratching in the dirt. Yep. And, yeah, he looks like he's going to pitch, but he's not pitching yet. Legs up. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty nutty. Does it help?

Does he do it to pitch better? Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't know how much it could help. You just got to have a personal branding thing, you think. Yeah, and he's got stripy socks, too. That helps. Okay. But he goes, oh, yeah, now I'm a chicken digging in the dirt.

Now I'm pointing with my glove towards the ground. Now I'm staring in. Now I'm doing a little dance with my feet, going back and forth, rocking Chimmy, rocking Chimmy, rocking Chimmy. Then when he finally pitches, he holds his knee up like, ah. Okay, here we go. It can't be. I mean, obviously, I mean, there's probably a psychological factor to the batter who has to watch that.

Yeah. I don't feel like I'm qualified to speak for the entire state of New Hampshire, though it is a small state. But if just one or two New Hampshireites would be willing to accept Yapson as their baseball hero. Sure. I think that would cover it. Yeah, well, throw the GIF up. Throw the GIF up online. And then just see if New Hampshire takes it.

Maybe we can get the New Hampshire State Chamber of Commerce to tweet about the GIF. John, this is a state in New England. Do you think you could go around your home region and spread the good good news about yapson yes i'll i'll get going right away thank you we all will i'll be a i'll be a johnny yapson seed throughout new england just give me like a 16 millimeter film of whatever it was you were watching uh so i can project it in every school hall and church meeting room. Onto bedsheets tacked to walls? Yeah, that's right.

From Hartford all the way to Bangor. Wait a minute. This isn't Yaps and Gomez. This is a stag film. I've never been to New Hampshire. Is it a nice state? No, not really. I mean, the thing about new hampshire is it is uh it has all the natural beauty of vermont without any of the tax revenue because it is a libertarian state oh i don't know that it is more

conservative than vermont which of course is bernie sanders land and when you drive from vermont into new hampshire you know because the road turns to muck and gravel as soon as you pass the border. And what's really enjoyably weird about them is that they're exactly the same size and exactly the same shape, but reversed. So one of them is sort of triangular in one direction. The other is triangular in the other direction. And they mesh together like they're mirror universe doubles of each other or like a bizarro state yeah it's a bizarro state it's a bizarro state to vermont it's great wow but they're libertarians so the do they like to uh smoke of the weed i that's what's interesting is i don't know and i'm i refuse to look up i

refuse to put into my home browser illegal weed new hampshire i don't know and i refuse to look up i refuse to put into my home browser illegal weed new hampshire i don't want those words in my history yeah uh but uh but it would be it would i don't know if if weed is legal for recreational use in new hampshire it is in maine is it possible that we could pitch a big league chew for marijuana like edible marijuana shreds my my thought is to name it wacky tobacco it's right there i know right it cannot be it cannot be that you are the first to think of it and it cannot and and and yet i think that we must act on that immediately and do not do not release this podcast until the patent is approved. And I don't even want any part of it. Like, it's you.

That's all you, Jesse. I mean, if wacky tabacky goes the way I think it will, Jesse Thorne, I think you're going to be able to do five years without a single MaxFunDrive because you're going to be sitting on so, so much, so many gold rings and coins from the bottom of a lake just shooting for a scepter just make sure it doesn't dissolve and then go into your stomach and uh create a weed tree in your tummy that's the concern yeah well because then the dea might raid my tum tum i would hate that the dea up in my guts i don't need that all up in your gut i don't need them up in my guts? I don't need that. All up in your guts. I don't need them up in my guts.

You don't need the DEA in your guts at all. I don't need that. I need a little DEA in my guts. You know, sometimes you need a little DEA. Just for regularity. Just for regularity. A little DEA if you're DTF. Who cares, right?

Just say stuff. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go video games video games video games you like them maybe you wish you had more time for them maybe you want to know the best ones to play maybe you want to know what happens to mario when he dies in that case you should checkClick. It's a brand new podcast about video games. A podcast about video games? But I don't have time for that. Sure you do. Once a week, kickback as

three video game experts give you everything from critical takes on the hottest new releases, to scoops, interviews, and explanations about how video games work, to fascinating and sometimes weird stories about the games we love. TripleClick is hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton. Me, Jason Schreier.

And me, Maddie Myers. You can find Triple Click wherever you get your podcasts and listen at MaximumFun.org. Bye. Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm John Hodgman. I'm very frustrated with my extinct hockey Reddit group.

No, you've already turned on them. No, they're all great. Look, it's a community of 29 and growing. 29? You already have more people in your subreddit than we do in ours, slash r, slash Boz Skaggs. I mean, I'm really enjoying Democo, Rope Erasers, Faux Realistic. I can say this on Jordan Jesse Go, sexting on Pinterest. Oh, my great. my great oh look we just hit 30 30 members is fantastic but the problem is my initial post where i say my name is john

hodgman this is a place to discuss the hartford whalers and i had a really nice comment thread going with some other friends on extinct underscore hockey uh it won't appear in the community. And I'm the moderator, and I keep approving it, but it won't show up, and it just gets unapproved by some ghost moderator. Right, it's a little confusing. It's a little confusing, I have to say. But look, all of you 30 members of extinct underscore hockey, I'm here for you. I'm going to make this a thing.

Hang in there. I'm going to learn how to moderate this reddit group it's my new job uh so this is a very special episode for a lot of reasons we saw the creation of r slash extinct underscore hockey yeah and uh brian uh has alerted us that there's a very uh a very special new uh walton gogggins vodka theme song that a listener has provided. Of course, there's two, Jordan. Two? Yeah. Holy shit.

Okay, we thought we had left Walton Goggins vodka behind. Yeah, especially when we found out that Walton Goggins was out of the country shooting something, so he couldn't come on Jordan Jessica. Also, he has dignity, so he couldn't come on Jordan Jessica. He has dignity, sure. also he has dignity so he has dignity sure uh but uh you know based on a running joke that i can't remember the origin of people have been recording songs for uh actor walton goggins's uh uh brand of vodka well i think it's because people are trying to capture the spirit and frankly the financial success that came from the biggest hit of the early 21st century, which was the

Danny DeVito's Limoncello song. Of course. So, Brian, why don't you play one of those new Goggins jams? That and Old Town Road, probably the two biggest. Old Town Road. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Brian. This is Matt from Florida. I'm a few weeks behind on the podcast, so this is a late entry into the Walton Goggins theme song contest.

I'm going to butcher it, but here goes. Drink like a celebrity here in MaxFun. Have a glass or two or three. It's my last one. No beer or truly. Just got to give me Goggins, woo Walton Goggins has a vodka Goggins, woo Not Danny D or E-40, just Goggins, woo Don't throw up, you'll get the stank hair And in the fall, watch out for prank bear Goggins.

Woo! Walton Goggins has a vodka Goggins. Woo! Not Danny D or E-40 or anybody else but Walton Goggins. Woo! Yeah, that was like a revival meeting. Wow, that was great. And a lot of good Jordan and Jesse Go Easter eggs in there. Yeah, it was like a revival meeting. Wow. That was great. It was really amazing.

And a lot of good Jordan and Jesse Go Easter eggs in there. Yeah, he recorded it all in economy class of a United 737. Wow, that was truly amazing. It really reawoken my passion for Walton Goggins vodka, which had grown stale. You have to feed the fire, Jordan. You have to. You have to stoke the flame. Yeah.

My wife and I have been seeing a couples counselor about that. No, it's not. No. You know. Sometimes just life gets in the way, you know? Yeah. You got to make time for Goggins. Walton Goggins vodka.

Brian, there's another one in there? So my only critique of that one- You have a critique. Is there another one in there? So my only critique of that one. You have a critique. I loved that that one really captured the spirit of Goggins, DuckTales. Anytime the prank bear makes an appearance, I'm always grateful. We love it.

But my dream for this really was I know that there's a lot of bedroom producers who listen to Jordan Jesse Go and some pretty major producers, the late Clive Davis. Who else? John Ronson. Sure, yeah. Charles Bronson. That's the guy from Death Wish, right? Yes.

Yeah, he produced a lot of those early Rush albums yeah Timbaland is a Jordan Jesse go oh yeah sure Nelly Furtado yeah NERD mm-hmm nobody ever really dies right not all of NERD Pharrell doesn't listen but Shay listens that's nice that's the guy who's not Pharrell or Chad the less famous famous one. Yeah, the guy's not in the Neptunes, but is in NERD.

Go to hell, that guy. Brian, is this one going to have, is this one going to be fully orchestrated? Yeah, so this one's going to deliver on that. Because the thing is I'm putting together a show for the Hollywood Bowl next summer. Oh yeah? And the LA Philharmonic

is going to be there, and I just want them to have something to do. Sure. You know, while we sing these Goggins tunes. I just want them standing there. Yeah. I don't know if this guy credits himself, but his name's Nick.

Here we go. If Goggins had a drink What would he be distilling? Do you think The sa sales would make a killing with an endorsement like that? Or do you think they should have picked another character actor? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Goggins great. Yeah, yeah, Goggins good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that song was a true unicorn.

Wow. That was really good. Wow. That was really good. Did he have the... This woman do a hell story? They're doing backing vocals? Is there a Hammond organ in that? Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. Wow. Way to go. You know Goggins from his shows. He produced that down at Fame Studios in Muscle Shoals, Alabama. Very beautiful. Full Alabama. Very beautiful. Full production. Very beautiful.

Holy mackerel. I don't know if this is appropriate or not. It's certainly not going to be as high production value as that song. But would you guys mind if I offer a little song? I insist you do, John. Okay. I don't sing a lot, so. Walton Goggins, Walton Goggins, Walton Goggins. do john okay i don't sing a lot so walton goggins walton goggins walton goggins has a gin juniper rounds out the palate before citrus roars back in that beautiful and it you know what i love

about that one is that it it brings it it brings attention to walton goggins's other spirits yeah i didn't know this guy had a gin as well i'm very excited about this he's got a gin he's got a is that it brings attention to Walton Goggins' other spirits. Yeah, I didn't know this guy had a gin as well. I'm very excited about this. He's got a gin. He's got a whiskey. Yeah. I think that's great.

And what I also like about it is it really kind of mimicked the experience of drinking gin. Yeah, that's a little of my darling Clementine. It was great, and in the public domain. So we have less chance of getting sued. Well, except for the part about Juniper rounding out the palate before citrus come roaring back in, because that is direct copy from the website for Walt Goggins. Is it really? Yeah. Hey, you know, I think, John, I kind of thought that we were kind of reaching the end of our fun with Walton Goggins and his vodka. But I think you will probably inspire a lot of listeners to record songs about his other spirits. So I officially want to open this up to songs about Walton Goggins' gin or whiskey.

Wow. That makes sense. i'd love to hear it um i don't know if we will have the same level of artistry that we've had with walton goggins vodka but um i hope so yeah god that would be beautiful if we did that would be nice uh i think we've proven uh today today beyond a shadow of a doubt. Yeah. That our show should not be supported. I was going to say that we have the best listeners in all of podcasts. Because they put up with this bullshit. Because they put up with this bullshit. They record beautiful songs about a vodka that does not sponsor us. Yeah.

Yeah. So all the people who call in, who record a song, who go to maximumfun.org slash join, uh, we are very, very thankful. You're the, you're the reason we do this. I found, I mean, John, I found your song somewhat moving, but I've, I found that, that second song that we heard pretty profoundly moving. It's beautiful. That was incredible. There's a little tear in the corner of my eye.

I'm not religious, but I am spiritual and that really spoke to me. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. You can find us online at MaximumFun.org on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com You can tweet with the hashtag JJGo

We're also on Facebook where you can like Jordan, Jesse Go and join the MaxFun Facebook group. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan Jesse Go.