Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 635: The Most Dangerous Meatloaf with Helen Hong

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

Helen Hong (Go Fact Yourself podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse to talk about Jesse's new meatloaf technique, the animal ranch with a Hollywood giraffe that Helen used to work at, and Jordan's favorite meditative activity that he has refrained from during the pandemic. Plus, we listen to some more Walton Goggins spirits songs and Jordan has a big announcement about Bubble! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Meatloaf Man. Jordan Morris in possession of Tingles Dowser. It sounds like everyone is going through something exciting during this safer at home period in American history. There will be no shortage of content on today's show. And no longage of content.

Just the right amount of content. Just the right amount of content, which is to say, none. Sometimes when your content's too big, it can be uncomfortable. Sure, yeah. too big it can be uncomfortable sure yeah um all i all i did was regular jordan jesse go listeners may recall that our friend gabe leadman uh gave me the recommendation of putting some oats in a meatloaf uh jordan jesse goes wait hold on i think we ran we ran past something. Do you call your dick your content? We're in the era of big content, Jordan. Why are we talking about meatloaf? That's true. Or in my case, wide content. To be fair, I do not call my dick content. I call my dick a quibby or quick bite. Oh, really? It's just a quick bite.

Yeah, just a quick bite. i call my dick a seesaw because nobody's seen it in years oh it's just the only content on it that works is my bim bam yeah um okay so gabe liedman said you could put some oats in a meatloaf instead of breadcrumbs. Because my wife has a wheat allergy, and I had... Oh, Jonah Ray's travel show on my dick was really funny. Yeah, well, there's a lot of really funny stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Totally. Hey, I mean, Cameron Esposito's show was really moving. Sure. You know what? End of riff. Go ahead, Jesse. Sure. You know what? End of riff. Go ahead, Jesse. So I not only did I take Gabe Liedman's advice, but I took it up a notch.

Regular Jordan Jesse Go listener and Redditor Hunter Ellenbos suggested I blitz the oats in my blender. And I went ahead and gave him a quick... You know what I mean? Yeah, a quick Sanford and Son theme song. Is that what you were doing? One of those... Oh, no. Baby Elephant Walk. You gave it a Baby Elephant Walk.

Theme from the Pink Panther. I gave it... There is nothing I love more than the pulse button on a blender. That is a feeling of extraordinary power. You love pulsing, huh? Knowing that as soon as you let up on that pulse button, the deadly force of the blender ceases. But once you go back in, it's right back there for you. So I pulsed it. I made a meatloaf.

It's in the refrigerator right now. I haven't put it in the oven yet, but that's what I'm going to be eating for dinner tonight. Thank you very much. I'll be accepting awards after the program. Yeah. And if it turns out bad, everybody drag Gabe Liedman on Twitter. Drag him. Cancel him. Come on. We can't drag Gabe Lieben. He's in show business. Let's focus on Hunter Ellenbos. Yes.

Get that guy in your sights and take him down. Take that, our nicest fan. Yes, very nice man. What's going on with you? Well, I'd love to tell you about Tingles Dowser, but I'd also love to get our guest in on the action. Yeah, let's introduce our guest. You know her from Go Fact Yourself.

She's a stand-up comic. She's a friend of Jordan Jesse Go. She, of course, is a legendary paramour of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Helen Hong. Hi, Helen. Helen the Dick Cream Investigator Hong. Thank God we've got someone on that.

By the way, I call both of your dicks a content. Oh, a content. So the singular is a content. A content. Between the two of us, we have two contents. I just call you, I call your collective dicks a content. So we're each half a content. Correct.

That's the collective noun for dicks. A content. Right. Like a murder of crows? Like a gaggle of geese. A content of dicks. Yeah, okay. I like it.

I'm on board for it. I don't know if you guys can hear, you know, the sound of little claws on the floor or books falling down, but my cat has the rowdies. Oh, no. Is that like a dog with the zoomies? Yeah, it is. That's what I call a cat zoomie. I call it a rowdy. Ah.

I have had way too many zoomies in the last week. Business in this time is very difficult. You've got to do it all by video conference. Sure. Helen, do you like a meatloaf? I stopped eating animals with four legs

about two or three years ago. If I could get a turkey meatloaf, I'm down for that. Or a spider meatloaf. Right. Or a human meatloaf. I'm down for that. Sure.

They call it the most dangerous meatloaf. Delicious. I like the idea of someone going full vegan, except a little cannibalism. Yeah. I eat a little human when I'm drinking. If you know vegans, I wouldn't be surprised by some of my militant vegan friends' desire to just eat people. Because people are the enemy.

They can be intense I know, I think I've probably mentioned this on Jordan Jesse Go before But one of the most beautiful moments of my entire college career Was when my friend Ben Smith Who was best known for two screen credits when we were in college He had been a child actor One was as the neighbor on The Secret Life of Alex Mack and one was uncredited as

Young Pat in It's Pat. No. That's a good one. Yes. Ben Smith, lovely guy, was in a Vespa gang in Thousand Oaks. Wow. Ben Smith was a vegan and one time I asked Ben, I'm like, and I

want to be clear that I have nothing but immense respect for vegans and veganism. I think it's wonderful for the earth. It's wonderful for other people. And, uh, it's probably if you're, if you're careful about it, it's great for your health. Uh, it's, it's great. I don't think I could do it in a million, billion years, but I have nothing but respect for those who do. But I said to Ben, like, what, what is the reason that you're vegan because I knew he was like he was hardcore straight edge too he had a whole set of things and he says oh I enjoy extremism wow and I was like I could there is not a word I could say not that I would otherwise but not a word I could say to to IG you just doff your cap thank Thank you, sir. That's a great one to pick.

You know what I mean? As far as extremisms go, that one's good for all the rest of us too. I took up veganism when I gave up street luge. I took up veganism after my fight club broke up. Right, yeah. Guys, we shouldn't be punching each other in the face in this basement. Let's all go get some temp.

I'm in a socially distanced fight club. It's just like bows and arrows and boomerangs and stuff. Jesse, don't talk about it. Oh, sorry. Come on. I just get so excited to talk about rings. Helen, was it tough to alter your diet like that? Is there stuff that you miss from the four-leggers?

Yeah. I used to say, if you asked me what was my deathbed meal, the meal that you choose to have just before they execute you. For eating your enemies. Yes, yes. Right. Because you're a cannibal vegan. Sure. I always said it was the famous hot pastrami sandwich from Katz's Deli in New York City. Okay. Yeah. Wow. I always said for decades, I was like, that is my deathbed meal. It is so delicious. And then I became a non four-legged animal eater for political reasons.

Like I was a tour guide for a little bit on a ranch and I met a lot of four-legged friends. And so I stopped eating for like, And then I went, I took a trip to New York shortly after. Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. You said, you're a tour guide on a ranch, met four-legged friends. I love this. Yes. You said you became, you made this choice for political reasons. The only thing I could think of was that you were running for mayor of Berkeley, California. I cannot think of any political reason. Political meaning I wanted to be a good councilman to my four-legged friends. Got it.

I'm a councilman to my four-legged friends. Got it. So relative to like a... I wanted to be a good school board member to my four-legged friends. You didn't become a vegetarian, in other words, for religious or for health reasons. No, correct. It was because you loved animals and didn't want to eat them. That's very reasonable. Correct. And I want to make very clear that it's just the four-legged animals because I still eat chicken and turkey because fuck them.

Fuck those animals. Have you ever tried to hug a chicken? Fuck those assholes. So many times. I have tried and failed to hug a chicken. Right? They're dicks. That's my white whale.

My white whale is one day I dream of hugging a chicken or turkey. You're Moby Chick. Moby Chick. Who were some of your favorite four-legged friends you met while you were a farm tour guide? Was it a farm tour guide? I was a tour guide at a ranch in, like, up in the Santa Monica Mountains in Malibu. And on a billionaire's, like, I think he owns, like, 20,000 acres up in the Santa Monica Mountains.

And he has alpacas and zebras and water buffalo and a retired Hollywood giraffe. A Hollywood giraffe? Yes. I don't know if you've ever seen The Hangover 2. Oh, right. the giraffe that's head gets cut off? The giraffe who dies in Hangover 2. Wow. He's alive. Believe it or not,

he's not dead. Oh, good. It was just movie magic. It was movie magic. So that giraffe is named Stanley the giraffe. Okay. And he had to retire from Hollywood for getting too tall. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was supposed

to be in a Tom Cruise movie. Just make him stand in a ditch. That's a plight of Hollywood giraffes is at some point they height out. Yeah, they talk about

how, you know, like, you know, there's fewer roles for actresses over 40 and giraffes who are too tall. Correct. I'd, you know, like, you know, there's fewer roles for actresses over 40 and giraffes who are too tall. Correct. I'd love to see, like, Robert Downey Jr. in Dr. Doolittle. And then you see the behind the scenes shot and it's Robert Downey Jr. standing on an eight foot box.

So he looks tall. So the giraffe looks diminutive next to him. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, so I was a tour guide for a couple of years at this ranch and met all these great four-legged animals. And just, you know, and like a couple of cows. I don't know if you've ever smelled a cow's breath, but it smells really like it's clean. It's like earthy and clean. I didn't know that about cows.

Yeah, yeah. They have personalities. Some cows are really cool and some cows are dicks, just like people. I think that's a funny distinction. I think I would be less inclined to eat something that had good breath. I absolutely see where you're coming from, smelling something's breath and going, yeah, why would I eat this thing that clearly has great dental hygiene? Right? I mean, this being flosses.

I only eat things that have athlete's foot. So if you keep those trotters fresh, you're safe with me. But if you got stank feet, no way. Going down. Meatloaf for you. When you were tour guiding, were you giving out facts? If you were at a cocktail party and there was a lull in conversation, would you have water buffalo facts at the ready?

It was kind of a janky tour guide job with very little direction and for a like fly-by-night company. And so we were encouraged to make up facts. What? And so I can make up invented facts about Water Buffalo. So there's like elementary school kids who now think Water Buffalo reproduced asexually just because a tour guide was not given a handbook. Helen, you say this was a janky job. This sounds like a fucking dream job. It was an amazing job.

It was so much fun. And we also, I would just make up names for the animals because I couldn't really keep all the names straight and so every tour I'd be like oh that one's named Bob and that one's Karen and then the next tour you know it'd be the same two animals and I'd be like that's Steve-O that's Wee Man

just names of guys from Jackass that's Johnny Knoxville this one's a bystander this is one of those jobs there is this wing of outlook my wife has a very good looking family my wife is very good looking there's this wing of her family where they're like catalog model good looking and oh these people all all have had these jobs especially between the ages of like 17 and 25 they've had these jobs that pay very highly and like one of them their only job was to keep a boat ready like there was a boat the guy who owned the boat was very rich.

The guy only went out once every few months on this boat, but it was her job, and it was like a part-time job that paid $30 an hour or something to just make sure there was beer on the boat. Wow. I mean, you don't want a boat without brewskis. And this, Helen, you have made it into, you are telling us that you have made it into one of these beautiful people jobs. Yeah.

And I have so much respect for you for that. Thank you. Thank you. I just, I daily invented names for animals. I invented animal facts. I gave them strange quirks. I'd be like, oh, that alpaca Johnson had a skiing accident, which prevents his Johnson from working properly. I would just make shit up.

This alpaca was rendered impotent from a skiing accident. He has half a content. Oh yeah, sure. He has a quarter of a content. Yeah. At alpaca. And it was amazing.

Cause the other thing, it was, it was like mostly like, um, Angeleno, like hipster millennials who just, they would, they couldn't,

they didn't know any better. Sure. Yeah. Millennials, they only know about, you know, where to get the best turmeric latte. They don't know that alpacas can't ski. Right. I wish, you know, I went on a farm tour some years ago that I described on Jordan Jesse Go, that was like a vegetarian farm.

It was like a rescue farm. And I took my children and thought that it was going to be them talking about how great animals were. It turned out to basically be like 90 minutes of the tour equivalent of one of those videos about how awful meatpacking plants are. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Oh, it was propaganda? Yeah, and I was there with my, at the time, maybe three and six-year-old. Oh, no. And they did not ease back on the throttle.

It was horrible. And at the time, all I said was, maybe I could have made the transition because of my respect for the values of vegetarianism, which I have, sincerely. I was like, maybe I can be one of these Mark Bittman eat meat once a week types. And it just erased my ability to do that. I was like, this has become a binary to me. And I hate these people for trying to punish me. So I'm choosing the one that's against them.

Did you leave that tour and directly go to a steakhouse and just get in the car, kids, we're going to Outback. And like, but but I think the the ideal situation, the one that I wanted was not even an educational tour about things that really happened in a barnyard. It was one that just hires stand-up comedians to make shit up about animals. If it was that, I might have gone full vegan. At least ovo-lacto. Yeah, sure, ovo-lacto.

It was a really fun job. But going back to the original concept of my deathbed meal of the Katz's Deli, the delicious pastrami. Right. I became this non-four-legged animal eater. And then, like, I think four months after that, I went. I had a trip to New York. And then like I think four months after that, I went – I had a trip to New York. And every time before that I went to New York, I would beeline it to Katz's Deli and just stuff my face full of that pastrami.

And this time I couldn't even stomach it. Wow. I took a bite of that delicious pastrami and I was like, I think I'm going to barf. Like I can't do it. When you were going, you know, when you were going full pastrami, were you doing sides, too? Were you doing coleslaw, matzo ball soup? What was the—when you were pastrami-ing, what was the meal like? Well, have you seen the size of the pastrami sandwich they give you there? It's amazing.

It's like four and a half pounds. It's like the size of, it's like the weight of my torso. The last time I was there, I ordered one of those sandwiches. It hadn't come yet. It was a very beautiful woman sitting at a table one over from me. And I, you know, I can't help it.

I notice it. Like, movie star good looking. And she took a bite. Wait, was she sitting at the When Harry Met Sally table? She took a bite. Did you have what she was having? God damn it. I was going to say that she had a full-on orgasm, and I ordered what she had.

Okay, sorry. Sorry. You were doing the thing. I was doing a bit. Sure. But hey, are you- You got to warn us when you're, hey, I'm about to do a bit. You know, we've been He's doing a bit. Sure. But hey, are you... You got to warn us when you're, hey, I'm about to do a bit. You know, we've been doing this show 12 years.

Give us a little wink. Give us a wink that we can't see. I've been doing... We've been doing this show for 12 years and literally never one time have I interrupted someone's train of thought. Zero times is the total number of times i've interrupted someone on this show and i think it is disgusting that the two of you interrupted me just now i'll be up here on my high horse if you need me i can't see you from my ivory tower having one of those pastrami's what is it yeah are you the kind of vegetarian hel Helen, who just eats? Because most of the vegetarians that I knew in my life were in high school and college,

where I'm from the Bay Area, went to college in Santa Cruz. These are hotbeds for vegetarianism. I would say two-thirds of especially the girls I knew were vegetarians. But many of those were the kind of vegetarian that seems to only eat French fries. Yeah. So what style are you? Fries is good. Fries is good. Yeah. Well, especially since the beginning of the corona, since like, fuck it. We're in the time of fuck it right so all of my normal dietary habits have gone out the window and i have sort of accepted i've gone a little bit down the doomsday prepper road and so every time i like venture out to go to the market i'll buy like beans and rice and ramen and

dry goods all the things that the preppers tell you. And then I will go to the potato chip aisle. And apparently nobody is hoarding fucking potato chips because they're all there. They're all just sitting there. The full array of chips is like just there. I think we just have an extraordinarily resilient potato chip supply chain. I extraordinarily resilient potato chip supply chain.

I think the potato chip supply chain, like ever since George W. Bush choked on that pretzel, the federal investment in like redundancy in the potato chip supply line has been extraordinary. I mean, it is truly incredible. Like, hey, toilet paper industry, take a page out of whatever the potato chip people are doing because they are killing it. Yeah, hey, Charmin, if you can't stock the shelves, people are going to start wiping with chips. And it's going to work so good,

people are going to forget all about you and your gross forest bears. And they have everything. They have all the chips I want. They have the kettle chips. They have salt and vinegar. They have ruffles, plain ruffles, which I'm obsessed with. They have pop chips.

They have Cheetos. They have the whole shebang. I like that you're pounding the table like a Russian premier speaking before the UN General Assembly. They have the legs. They have pop chips. Salt and vinegar. Give me Pringles or give me death.

Salt and vinegar! Give me Pringles or give me death. And so since nobody else is hoarding them, I decided that I'm going to hoard them. I think, and I want to know what you guys think about this, because I don't know if this is a common opinion or an uncommon opinion. or an uncommon opinion. To me, I don't always love a plain potato chip, but to me, a ruffle is dramatically better than a regular Lay's. Thank you. I think the ultimate chip in that zone of chip

is something that is betwixt the two. I think the wavy Lay is the best easily accessible supermarket chip. The Wavy Lays and the Ranch Wavy Lays are so fucking good. Ooh, I haven't tried the Ranch Wavy Lays. Do it. They're so good. On my last visit to my doctor. He was doing your colon examination and said, Jordan, I'm seeing a lot of wavy lays in here.

I'm like, have you tried the ranch? You'll be tempted just to get the plane, but the ranch are very good. As he's peering through a telescope up your anus, he's like, wow, it's ranchy in here. Well, last time I was at my doctor, I had gained a little bit of weight, which was a little bit of a surprise because I've been, you know, pre-no one can do anything, I had been like swimming a lot. And so I went to the doctor and I'm like, oh, why have I gained weight? That's like, that's kind of surprised. And I think what happened was I, I had convinced myself, um, you know, because I was swimming. And if I like, I'm like, Oh, I swam so I can just eat like an asshole. Uh, and that's not how the human body works. Um, and I, I think maybe one, if you were in my heart of hearts, my favorite activity is to sit in the dark and eat chips just silently. Um, wavy lays in particular.

And, you know, when I was kind of talking to my doctor about this, I'm like, oh, I'm kind of surprised I gained a little weight. Like, you know, um, um, what should we, you know, what can I do about this? And he's like, and the first thing he said was, well, you know, I mean, just, you know, just little changes to your diet will make a lot of, you know, that will help a lot. And the first thing he said was, you know, instead of chips, just do carrots and dip. And I'm like, oh, you fucker. Dr. David R. Aladjid knows

that I sit in the dark and eat chips. Are you watching something or pleasuring yourself? Oh, no. Pleasure, Jesse. No. What are you? What are you? Is a content out?

No, the content is in the content pants. I'm just sitting in the dark with my thoughts, enjoying my wavy lays, and it's not weird. Wait, you're just slack-jawed, staring out into space, just crunching with nothing but the sound of crunching happening? Yes, I'm getting in touch with my thoughts and my chips. I'm not going to lie. I feel like if your content was out, it would be a little less creepy. Okay.

You know what? I mean – oh, so kind of where I was going was this whole kind of – this whole time I have not had my like favorite snacker in the house. I did like – I mean despite them – you're right, Helen. Despite them being fucking everywhere in a otherwise barren grocery store, I have not bought any chips. I have not had chips for about two months. Oh, my God. You are a strong, wow, you're the picture of discipline, Jordan. No, thank you.

That's nice of you to say. I also, I do other shitty, lazy things, but the chips thing, for some reason, I'm sticking to. But, yeah, I definitely think about them and want them. And the next time I decide that I maybe have earned a little treat, yeah, you know what? I'll whip out the content while I'm having my chips. Can we talk about what bullshit it is that your doctor is just like,

you know, instead of chips, just how about some carrots? What the fuck are you saying? Say thank you? It's not the same thing, Dr. David R. Allogene. Thank you for the suggestion. Not an equivalent. What the fuck are you saying? Say thank you? It's not the same thing, Dr. David R. Aladjian. Thank you for the suggestion. Not an equivalent. I had a telemedicine appointment with my doctor.

How did that go? We did telemedicine since we're not to see each other in person ever anymore. And what I was... Because, well, let's be clear, because you're no longer welcome there. Because last time I was there, I was a total dick. And the reason why I had requested this telemedicine conference is because I have not been sleeping well through the Rona, the sitch of the Rona. And I wanted her to give me xanax oh yeah and so she's like i was like you know i'm i have a kind of a just a steady low level anxiety and i'm not sleeping well i'm grinding my teeth a lot and she's like have you tried

meditation this is the first time anyone has ever recommended meditation. I have never. I wanted to be like, go fuck yourself, bitch. Just give me the goddamn meds. Medi-what-chin? What the fuck are you talking about? The world is falling apart. You want me to sit here alone in my apartment, meditate?

Get the fuck out of town. Give me the goddamn xanax bitch interesting how about yoga yes i've heard about yoga and i've heard about meditation my therapist god bless her keeps keeps she just always very gently circle back to, you should do meditation. And I've done it. I think it's good for you. I hate it. I hate it. I'm already... Thank you for saying that.

I'm already exercising. And I hate exercising already. So I'm already doing one thing that I hate every day. You know what I mean? I don't think I can add further things that I hate to the list. I don't have the capacity right now. Thank you for saying that, because I am not, like, if I hear one more person being like, oh, exercise, you know, you get that high afterwards. And, you know, I meditate. It just, it really makes a difference.

I'm like, go fuck yourself. No, it doesn't. It sucks. Exercising sucks. It feels horrible when I'm doing it. I hate every minute of it. It makes me angry. Meditating is like, what the fuck am I doing here? Today I went for a jog.

And I've been using this app that tells me how to do what's called a couch to 5K, which is previously I was sitting in the dark eating Lays. Tried the wavy Lays. Have you tried the wavy Lays? Have you tried the ranch? Oh, the ranch. Have you tried the wavy lace? Have you tried the ranch? Oh, the ranch. And the idea is that eventually, after six weeks or whatever, I'll be able to get 5K,

five kilometers away from my family in one headlong dash. That's a good head start. Yeah. And I was listening to it, and it gave me an alert that said, Runner, go for a run today. Think of how great you'll feel afterwards. And I wanted to, I really wanted, there was like so deep inside of me, this rage and objection.

They just wanted, this rage and objection. Objection, Your Honor. I feel horrible after I do this. The worst part of my day is when I'm doing it. The second worst is after I've done it because it was so hard and then I feel bad for like three hours. Yeah, and you don't need some gentle prompting from your freaking apps. You guys gotta get the Lays app. Congratulations,

chip eater. Day 17. Well, I'm happy to report that I have been doing no exercising, no meditating. I'm hopped up on xanax and lots of potato chips right now and i feel great sounds like a little slice of heaven fantastic whatever works for you that's what i say when someone tells you how much they love to exercise because it makes them feel so good uh i i i have so much like it's not unlike vegetarians

i have so much respect for it like so much sincere respect like i'm so happy that they've figured out how to do that but they do always feel like they're taunting me like there's no there's no alternative feeling that it develops in me. I feel like, oh, so you're just saying this to make me feel like an asshole, huh? Well, congratulations. War one. I feel like the only exercise that I might truly enjoy is bludgeoning someone to death enjoy is bludgeoning someone to death after they've told me how much they enjoy exercise and how good it will make me feel. I think the advantage of that one is you get a little taste of that sweet human flesh afterwards.

Carve them up and serve them at the veggie grill. Maybe I'll add some oats. Oh, yeah. But you got to blitz those oats first. You got to blitz them. Now that feels good. If my doctor said to me, you've gained a little weight

and I can tell that you're anxious, but I don't want to give you any meds. Instead, here's four things of old-fashioned Quaker oats. Can you put these in your blender a cup at a time and just use that pulse button for an hour? And just watch them get littler and littler? I would love that.

That is my meditation. That's what they call a standing meditation. It's all self-care. Whatever works for you, you know? Yeah. I've been working on my athlete's foot, trying to build that up a little. Yeah, sure. Just push shoes with no socks. People have their sourdough starters they're taking care of. I'm doing the same thing. I'm doing the same thing with my itchy foot pads.

Can I tell you guys the fun thing that I had to do today before coming into my closet to record with you? Yes, please. Yeah, please. And why my nickname today is Creamy Dick Investigator. Yeah. That's fun that there's a reason. Creamy Dick Investigator or Dick Cream Investigator?

Oh, what did I say earlier? You said Dick Cream Investigator earlier. Okay, let's do Dick Cream Investigator. I mean, either one works. Yeah. I mean, Dick Cream has the advantage of sounding like a real private detective's name. Sure, yeah. Dick Cream.

It's not Dick Cream, comma, Investigator. Yeah. It's Dick Cream the lesser known series of Raymond Chandler novels one sounds like a product and one sounds like an affliction so my dog

the lovely Dodger Hong is lying on his side and he's a husky German Shepherd mix. And I didn't know until I adopted him because I'd never been tasked with being in charge of any sort of husky mix. Now, hold on. When you say a husky German shepherd mix, do you mean he's a German shepherd who's just had too many lays? Or is this the two breeds of which he is a mix? This is the two breeds of which he is mixed. There's two breeds of dog.

There's regular and ranch. Correct. Swirled together. Sure. So I didn't know this about huskies, but their dicks are all the way furry. Like furry till the tippy, tippy tip. That's beautiful. Which makes sense because if you're in the Arctic tundra, you would need a way to keep your dick warm.

Right. Right? So the fur needs to extend all the way to the end of your dick. Yeah, and I keep a hand warmer in my underwear, but that's a human invention. Maybe at some point evolutionarily we'll have a hand warmer in there. Or maybe sometime evolutionarily dogs will learn to go to the Army Navy store. dogs will learn to go to the Army Navy store. Helen,

you sent me a great video about saber-toothed tiger dicks recently. I did. Wasn't that so interesting? It was very interesting. Oh my god. Jesse, we need to send you this video. Thank you. It's a great video.

No, it wasn't saber-toothed tigers, Jordan. It was dire wolves. Dire wolves. Excuse me. great video. No, it wasn't Sabretooth Tigers, Jordan. It was Dire Wolves. Dire Wolves. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Dire Wolves. Jesse, did you know that Dire Wolves, A, were a real thing?

I knew that from having visited the La Brea Tar Pits. Okay. I wouldn't be allowed. Jordan would not have allowed me to co-host this podcast with him had I not been to the La Brea Tar Pits at some point. I insist. Well, I am not a co-host, and hence I have never been to the La Brea Tar Pits. But apparently they have an entire wall of dire wolf dick bones. Wow.

It's truly amazing. They have some really impressive dicks. I mean, bones and all. Wow. It's truly amazing. They have some really impressive dicks. I mean, bones and all. Yeah. Did you know that dire wolves' dicks had bones in them? I didn't. I thought only humans had bones in their dicks. No.

To be clear, this is not one of Helen's made-up animal facts. Like, alpacas often get into skiing accidents. Yeah. This is a real fact said to us on a video by what I assume was a scientist. Yes. I mean, alpacas do have legendary dicks. You guys know the saying, right? Once you go alpaca, you never

go alpaca? Oh, boy. I've been trying to work that into Jordan Jesse Go for four years. Congratulations, man. This is great. This is, what a day. Let's just sit in this, you know? Let's just turn the lights out.

Get some wavy lays. Like a lukewarm bath. Oh, yeah, sure. Lukewarm bath. Just develop some content. You got to develop content. Content's king. Wait, can I go back to my husky story?

Oh, sure, yes. So your husky was laying on its side. So my husky has a furry dick sock. So my sister and I have been calling his dick covering a dick sock for obvious reasons. Because you're scientists. Yeah, it's like a furry sock that covers his dick. And it was becoming problematic because it was overgrown with fur and he was getting pee, like crusty pee, stuck in his dick sock.

And it was also problematic because of some old tweets from 2011. He was younger. He was still in high school. It's sort of hard to know. Yeah, you know. But you're also like, you get an agent before you get drafted,

and your agent should have people to go through your social media. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Your dick was going to direct a Guardians of the Galaxy movie. So, anyway, so he's been spending a lot of time on his side, and so I've been spending a lot of time staring at his dick sock. And so I've been spending a lot of time staring at his dick sock. And then today, before this recording, I'm looking at his dick and peeping out of the top of the dick sock is like some creamy white stuff. Oh, wow.

And I'm like, what the fuck is that? Sounds like a very difficult situation. So now I have to get, because I'm his mommy, I have to get down on all fours, stick my face near his dick sock, and investigate the cream, the dick cream. Investigate the cream is a real sentence.

And it's like thick and ugh. Unctuous. Do you know, have you looked into it? Have you Googled? Have you talked to a vet? Well, then I go to, I get a piece of paper towel and I wipe some of the cream. It gets worse, guys.

It gets worse. I look at the cream that's been wiped off on the paper towel and the cream is like yellowish green. Oof. wiped off on the paper towel and the cream is like yellowish green oof that's no color to be coming out of a body dog or otherwise i mean unless you're trying to balance your humors that's true yes and there's quite a lot yeah there's a lot of dick cream meanwhile he's just chilling like he says he doesn't seem like there's a problem. Huh. And so then I have to Google. I Google creamy dog penis.

Sure. Is exactly what I Googled. Yeah, that's what I would Google. And all you got was a bunch of recipes for soup. It's like a borscht. It's a cold soup. Yeah. Of course, it's Russian.

Oh, yeah, sure. I am happy to report, guys, that all is well and the dick cream is normal. Oof, good. Normal dick cream. Even the yellowish green tint of it is normal. Huh. Apparently, the technical term is shmagma. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. And it's just a mixture of semen and old dead cells. Mm, sure. Yeah. And it just gets caught in the dick sock, and sometimes it just needs to come out. Oh, my gosh. Well, um... But anyway, call me Dick Cream Investigator

from now on, please. Yes, ma'am. I will happily, I'll happily call you that. Let's take a quick break for what listeners we have left. And we'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, great news, Jordan. Uh,

every episode of Jordan, Jesse go is of course supported by, supported by the members of MaximumFun.org, all the folks who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join to support this show. We're especially grateful for you now. We also are supported this week by our friends from Too Beautiful to Live, TBTL. That's our friend Luke Burbank's podcast. Yeah, Luke is a hilarious, delightful guy.

You know him from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, and Andrew Walsh is his co-host, who you probably don't know at all, but he's a very good guy. Luke's been on Jordan Jesse Go a couple of times, and he's always hilarious. Yeah, always. Luke Burbank, one of those guys where back in the olden days of my public radio show, when I first started going to a public radio conference, there was about four people there who would meet my gaze. And Luke Burbank, not only would meet my gaze, he like came up to me and introduced himself, and then was my conference friend. He's a lovely man, in addition to being a very funny man. And TBTL is like, you know, it's sort of like a Jordan Jesse Go type operation.

They've been running for a decade plus. People love them, very deep personal connections with them. And I think we were glad to promote their show on our show because they're good folks and they do good work. Yeah, for sure. They are two longtime friends who attempt to cover the news of the day,

but usually end up discussing the intimate details of their personal lives. This is their tagline, not mine. In other words, it's kind of like your best friend's podcast, except it's actually good. Yeah, we're huge fans

of Too Beautiful to Live, huge fans of Luke Burbank. Andrew Walsh seems like a nice dude as well. Yep. Never met him, but I've heard the show. Sounds like a nice man. So TBTL and your favorite podcast app. P.S., by the way, Jordan, you know how sometimes you need to listen to another show because the world is on fire? Oh, yeah. And you need a show that gives you positive feelings and laughs. And maybe if we're lucky, this is the show that does that for some of our audience. For me, lately, I've been listening to a lot of Stop Podcasting Yourself,

my friends Dave and Graham. And it has meant a lot to me. If anybody out there is not already a Stop Podcasting Yourself listener and is a Jordan Jesse Go listener, I can't recommend Spy enough. And they are more considerate of each other and their guests than we, and I should say me, am. But every bit is funny, probably funnier. And they're like, just radiate being the kind, decent guys that they are. And I love listening to the show every week. I really do listen every week. And it's always a gut buster. listen every week and it's always a gut buster um it is like a less manic more considerate uh jordan jesse go less vulgar and better those the top words i would use to describe it uh and hey as long as we're on the topic of the max fun family of shows uh i am going to be doing something with who shot you the max fun movie podcast uh over there on iffy iffy wadiway the uh the one of the hosts of

who shot you who's been on this show a couple different times uh they're gonna do a uh a group watch of avengers over on his twitch channel uh that's twitch.tv slash if d's i f d e e z uh that's 1 p.m pacific standard time on may 16th. I'm going to be watching Avengers with the Who Shot Ya? crew, and I think it'll be a blast. That sounds really fun. It's a fun movie full of quips. Yeah, listen, it's got

that one riff from Robert Downey Jr. that I've said I don't like before, but it's one blemish on an otherwise totally fun movie. I don't like it when he it's one blemish on an otherwise totally fun movie. I don't like it when he says he doesn't know what a shawarma is. Clearly just a riff that he left in there. You know, I'll get into this on the stream.

Twitch.tv slash if D's 1 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, May 16th. So the minute you become a technocrat billionaire, they start handing you shawarma. Right. You can't pretend that Tony Stark doesn't know what shawarma is. It's just a riff from the, doesn't make sense. Anyway, I like it when they go get the shawarma. That's very funny. Anyway, I'll get into it.

Shawarma's great. If you want to hear my opinions on Avengers, which I like a lot, tune in. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Helen, Dick Cream Investigator Hong. If you were... Hey there, honey. I'm a private investigator.

The name's Dick Cream. If your dog is making a smegma, you know who to call. At FunnyHelenHong on Twitter. She was a gorgeous dame, but I thought it might be a honey trap. And if anybody can spot a honey trap, it's me. Dick Cream. Dick Cream. Private Eye.

Stanley Kubrick's first movie. Yeah. Spielberg actually directed a whole series of them for television before he started making theatricals. Oh, interesting. The Dick Cream Anthology? The Dick Cream Anthology, yes.

Yeah. It was a tribute to the old cereals he loved as a child. And, of course, Hero's Journey. journey. Yeah. So speaking of heroes, probably our greatest hero is a liquor kingpin, Walton Goggins. I like how he's liquor kingpin now. That's great. Make him sound like an old time bootlegger. Well, you know, a lot of actors, they're not working on set right now. So they're worrying about where their income's coming from. Not Goggins. This guy's got the vodka money pouring in. Goggins is just acting for fun, but he has

his boutique liquor brand that we talk about often on the show. Yeah, so, you know, Goggins can just chill out. The acting roles will come when they come, and he can just concentrate on getting everybody nice and blitzed.

I'll mention here, by the way, how many times would you say we've talked about Walton Goggins? Six, ten times in his liquor brand, maybe? Yeah, six, ten, 40, 50, somewhere in there. I couldn't tell you what it's called. Could not tell you what it's called. Can't remember. Oh, I thought you guys had tried it and were. Could not tell you what it's called. Can't remember. Oh, I thought you guys had tried it and were just big fans.

I have tried it. I actually found, I had a, there's a locator feature on the website of the liquor. The name I cannot remember. I think it's like Laurel Canyon. No, it's Mulholland. Mulholland, yeah. I knew it was a fucking street. Fountain liquor,

Wilshire, Wilshire spirits. South Serrano. Yeah, love a South Serrano gin. So fragrant. Ventura Boulevard whiskey. Ooh, you can taste the Ventura. Southwestern. Yeah, so I actually had it at a bar. I had it made into a cocktail, and I thought it was terrific. It was a really good cocktail. Yeah, I think it was like kind of a grapefruity, rosemary-type mixology thing, and the Walton Goggins vodka went down smooth. Yummy. Walton Goggins vodka went down smooth.

Yummy. Well, we have been, we've had a lot of listeners who have shared with us songs they've written about Walton Goggins signature liquor brand, and particularly the vodka. We thought that this was, we thought this bit was over. I'm going to be frank with you. We were done with it, certainly. done with it, certainly. But it turns out that there are two big hobbies emerging from the safer at home movement here in the United States. One is people making their own sourdough bread. The other is people writing songs about Walton Goggins vodka. The volume of Walton Goggins Vodka. The volume of Walton Goggins Vodka songs has catapulted into the stratosphere over the last few weeks. Brian has selected a few for us to listen to. Brian, do you want to play

the first one? This is my submission Oh, Walton Goggins has a vodka and a whiskey and a gin. Walton Goggins has a vodka and I won't tell you again. Yes! From now on, all Walton Goggins songs must have their origins in spirituals. That sounded like it was from the Oh Brother, Where Art Thou soundtrack. May the vodka be unbroken.

By the way, it's amazing that Walton Goggins is not in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou. That is true. Shouldn't he be in that? Shouldn't they? He should be the mascot. Yeah. Shouldn't they? He should be the mascot. Yeah.

When he emerged as a star, he was originally just going to be in, I think, one episode of Justified, but he was so amazing, or two episodes of Justified, he was so amazing, they made him the primary antagonist of the show. I think when that happened, when he got what in Hollywood is called heat,

they should have retconned him back into oh brother where art thou and it's sort of grito shot first type situation couldn't agree more we know he can sing it's it's easy peasy lemon squeezy i do put him in those brill cream boys or whatever it was called yeah i also liked um kind of adding to the kind of rustic nature of that one. I also detected some bird song in the background. Was there some tweeting? I did as well. I thought I was just drunk, but I think she might actually have a bird.

But I have a few too many I hear hawks too. She had a really pretty voice and she could carry a tune. It was nice. It was beautiful. Yeah, it was really, she had a really pretty voice, and she could carry a tune. It was nice. It was beautiful. Yeah, it was really nice. I think it was the kind of, like, soothing vibe that I think, you know, everybody appreciates more than ever these days. Yeah, I mean, now that I've complimented this, I'm going to tear it down a little bit. little bit. I like to listen to a baseball podcast. And lately, they've been having listeners send in a version of like a little bumper song that they have for one of their segments on the show.

And the last one was like a fully produced alt rock song, like a power pop, sort of early 2000s college rock type situation, with a full complement of instruments backup vocals the whole nine yards that one guy just made at home by himself because he didn't have anything better to do god bless him i'm gonna want to hear some of those over the course of this yeah segment i think that yeah we've i think we've, you know, I think it's time to, if this is going to become, you know, part of the show for longer, and, you know, I'm fine with that. I think everybody enjoys it. You know, I would like to see some experimentations with the genre. I think the two main genres I would like to see are both Sissy Bounce and Nardcore.

Nardcore, that's hardcore songs about Nardwar? No, hardcore songs that come from Oxnard, California. Okay. You know, Dr. No. Illrepute, I think. I'd like to hear someone. I would rather hear the songs, the hardcore songs featuring Narwhals. I think Jesse was talking about the Canadian music journalist.

Yeah. But I think that also... No, Narwhals. There should be a Narwhal hardcore band. I mean, if you go to enough cons, eventually you're going to see a Narwhal hardcore band. Yeah. That's kind of how it works, right? Sure. I mean, if you go to enough cons, eventually you're going to see a narwhal hardcore band. Yeah. That's kind of how it works, right?

Sure. I'd like to see, I would like to hear personally, if I had my druthers, and if somebody out there has the pipes, I'd like to hear somebody fucking Luther Vandross this shit. I want to hear a real, you know, turn out the lights, have a vodka. You know what I mean? I think it's more of a Teddy Pendergrass, Jesse. God, I wish I was Teddy Pendergrass. I would accept T-Pain, a.k.a. Teddy Benderass. Does T-Pain call himself that? Yeah, he calls himself that. It's one of the many fun things about T-Pain. T-pain call himself that yeah he calls himself that it's one of the many fun things about t-pain t-pain really is delivered so many times more fun than you expected from uh a novelty hook singer yeah it's got a winning attitude um yeah so let's get on that but but

who knows we haven't heard these songs so only Brian has heard them. So maybe the next one will be a full orchestra playing sort of an orchestral style Led Zeppelin thing. Brian is starting us off slow with the birds, like the vague bird song in the back. Starting us off slow. And then I have a feeling we're going to get ramped up. Yeah, building to a crescendo. What's next, Brian? What's next, Brian? Small Harlem like Gin, whiskey, vodka All tasting sublime The whiskey makes your night out so spicy And then the gin that just goes down so nicely Walton's spirits are here

Bringing the nation some tipsy good cheer So if you need a drink he's got you that one was very well produced it had the quality of having been recorded while your mom is asleep next door, which I liked because that's my fetish. Wow, don't wake mommy. Yeah, it kind of had a, you know, bedroom recording, kind of a Bon Iver quality to it, I think. But less in key. Yeah, I was going to say, for someone who attempted a rich vocal tapestry, there may have been some pitch issues there.

It's possible they just rewrote the classic song, Mr. Sandman, because they didn't want to get us into any rights issues. But this is obviously parody. I think we're square on that. You can just sing the melody straight and harmonize around it. But, you know, you never know. Maybe, maybe mommy, maybe if you sing the wrong note,

mommy wakey. There was also a, there was also a strong salt shaker. Strong on the salt shaker. Yeah. You know how it needed, it needed less cowbell, maybe more cowbell, less salt shaker. Strong on the salt shaker. Yeah. You know how it needed less cowbell. Maybe more cowbell, less salt shaker. Classic.

Classic dilemma. That ratio is what we're always striving for. It's the one that Fibonacci described, that cowbell to salt shaker ratio. Let's hear our next one. If you don't drink, then drink with me. No gargants is the best. If you're thirsty for taste Goggins offers a before

Ooh, Goggins when you smile Your cute face ain't that scary You hide your looks behind your whole vodka In Goggin moments You hide your looks behind your vodka In gargant moments Pull me a gargant These gargant moments

These gargant moments Ooh, garg, when you smile Your cute face ain't that scary You're all I drink when I'm in love Oh, oh, oh, in Goggins moments These Goggins moments Pull me a Goggins Pull me a goggin's Pour me a goggin's

He also makes a jam Give me a goggin's That was a pretty stirring performance, I thought. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if, I mean, I think you don't know if you guys recognize the deeper cut. I believe that was a Misfits song. I did not.

It's a dancing era Misfits song. Wow. Hybrid moments. a Danzing Era Misfits song. Wow. Hybrid moments. He really was jamming on that ukulele, or as they say in the Hawaiian Islands, the ukulele.

That is how they pronounce it in the Hawaiian Islands. Well done, Helen. Yeah, that was an interesting blend of, you know, kind of far-off production, ukulele, and also The Misfits. Danzig is doing an album of Hawaiian classics. Is he? Kalikimaka? Aloha, it's Danzig is what it's called.

All right, it means hello and goodbye. Aloha, it's Danzig, aloha. Oh, classic in and out from Danzig, huh? Sure, oh yeah, Danzig's the master of the Irish goodbye. I have to admit that I always expected, that I expected a lot more midi from our audience. I'm getting a lot, and maybe this was just my false expectations about who listens to this program, and the reality is that our listeners are almost exclusively youth pastors. I'd say a pretty big chunk relative to other podcasts. This is where they hear the naughty swears they can't hear everywhere else.

But I expected a lot more drum programming and bleeps and bloops. Or at the very least, you know, like Prince in his heyday would play every instrument on his records. And then if he had the band play anything, he would have them come in and just duplicate what he had done. So he would sit down and program the drums with a Lynn drum machine and lay out the whole thing. And then he'd rip out a sweet solo, right? Are you angry that your listenership is not an army of princes? Well, I don't need them to be princes, but if they could be Morris Days, that would be great. Sure. I mean, if I could be morris days that would be great sure i mean if i can get a few sheila ease where's wendy and lisa on this i i mean my youth pastor is the one who brought me

to this show yeah i think he drove you in a station wagon jesus was just hanging on the rearview mirror. Right, yeah. I'm not expecting everyone to program their mini-MOG like they were Pete Townsend or whatever. I would love to hear a few people who are at least multi-tracking. Right. You know what I mean? I would love to hear some multi-track. And this is no disrespect to the wonderful work we've heard so far,

but everybody's got GarageBand or equivalent. This is 2020. Let's record one track of vocals, one track of guitars, and then maybe let's thicken one of them.

I don't know what that means. Let's be clear. I don't know what thickening is, but put a little, put a little, you know, put a little dick cream on it. A little smegma. Rub some smegma on it. Get a little athlete's foot in there. We could play, we could replay a couple of these songs and just the three of us could just go.

of us could just go... You're suggesting we rock-a-pella this thing? Where in the world is Walt and Gog and Vodka? He drinks around the world and... Give me some time with this. Give me 20 minutes.

I can make this good. Okay, let's listen to one more. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, Impossible Guest. This is William, and I'm calling in with a song for Walton Goggins Whiskey. I just wanted to say thank you for giving me something to do today, and I love you. Hope you're well. Here we go.

I got my ticket for the hateful eight Stream season three of Justify And it would go so well with a signature cocktail Oh, please give me something to invite Walton Goggs, Walton Goggins He's got a whiskey, Walton Goggs He's got a vodka fit for song he's got a jim for judge john hodgman but he's also got a whiskey walton wally gogs he's got a whiskey walton gogs

with fresh sense of vanilla bean sweet corn and maple see. Yeah, he's got a pretty good whiskey, Walton Garms. It took silver at the World Spirit Competition. Woo! That was an extraordinary coda. Yeah. I thought. It mentions actual facts about Walton Goggins' liquor brand and some other Max Fund shows.

I mean, Helen, I would be insulted for you that he didn't mention Go Fact Yourself, but you know. I'm pissed. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, that was great. Was that a parody of something or was that an original? I don't know if I recognize that melody. Yeah, that's that Anna Kendrick song.

Oh, right, the cups song. That's why he did the cups thing. He even did the little hand stuff with the cups. He did. That's great. Anna Kendrick has a song? She has lots of songs. She's had like hit pop songs, right?

Get out from under the closet or the barrel or the bushel or whatever. Have you not seen the far funnier than they need to be pitch perfect movies i have seen the far funnier than they need to be pitch perfect movies by which i mean i saw pitch perfect 2 which was very funny and our friend john hodgman was in it so god god bless god bless pitch perfect 2 uh but i did not know she had an outside of pitch perfect career i knew she had

pipes because she's in the movie pitch perfect and of course i knew she was a great actor because i saw her in the movie rocket science her most famous and legendary hit film that movie star anna kendrick is in but yeah can i get kendrick it's around i gets around. I did not know that she was recording popular music. I think she has a whole album, doesn't she? Yeah, I think she has hits. I think she's had hits. I don't know that for sure. But yeah, I think she has a pop song that you might think is a...

Well, that cup song that was just parodied was a big hit for her. I'll say this. A multi-hyphenate. Kendrick aside, I know that I just parodied was a big hit for me. I'll say this. A multi-hyphenate. Kendrick aside, I know that I just spoke up on behalf of MIDI drum programming, and I continue to support MIDI drum programming no matter what patch they may use. However, I will also accept Hambone. If you're going to give me Hambone, I'll take it. Give us

a call, Bobby McFerrin. Let's see what you can do with this. Play the spoons or the mouth harp. I'm telling you, I'm still standing by my boop boop cheep boop boop cheep boop boop If you're out there and you're gonna record your own

Goggins song, please clip out that clip of Ellen beatboxing and add it somewhere in the mix. It doesn't have to be that prominent, but it could be. It could be the kind of featured instrument, but put it in the mix somewhere. I'll say this. If we're all going to transform ourselves into the guy who beatboxes in an acapella group. I will say this about that guy. There is no person who is almost certainly both as nice, as the person who beatboxes in an a cappella group. And I'm talking about a professional a cappella group. That person is probably the nicest guy ever.

And yet I have such a deep fundamental opposition to that guy's career. Guess what? We don't need to piss off the entire Manhattan transfer, okay? I don't need that. I don't need them in my mentions. Don't at us. Don't at us. Don't at us, Manhattan transfer. Helen and I.

Stay away, Lambert, Hendricks, and Ross. We're innocent bystanders. We could be going with... What's that acapella group that sometimes is on television now that's not rockapella? I can't think of what they're called. Pentatonix? Pentatonix. We could be going with Pentatonix, but we're instead going with Word Jazz.

Isn't Manhattan Trans for an acapella band? Yeah, but they're a very high class version. I don't know if they're literally acapella, but they definitely did a lot of singing experiments. Well, we're all learning a lot today. I feel like, you know, I've had conversations with the actual Walton Goggins about his liquor brand. And I think he would love to hear all of these songs. Wait, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. We've been talking about Walton Goggins for half an hour now.

The whole time you were holding in your back pocket that you've not only met Walton Goggins, but talked to him about his liquor brand helen's been on the unicorn i'm on the unicorn as is our friend rob corddry right and i have had a conversation with walton goggins about his liquor brand which which is A, why I know it exists, and B, why I know it's called Mulholland. And I was hoping he would give me a free bottle, but he didn't. No. Goggins, come on. Helen's out there making you look good on your show.

Does Walton Goggins know that you have a podcast? I don't think he does. I could see Walton Goggins being the type of man who doesn't know what a podcast is. Not because he's dumb, but just because he's a guy who exists outside of time. Maybe he still has a flip phone. Maybe he's big into old books.

He's big into vinyl. I think he's probably one of those guys where if you asked him if he would go on a podcast, he might need some explanation just because that's not his scene. I could see Goggins reaching for a book on a high shelf, pulling it down, and then... It's leather bound. It's full of spells. He's an intense guy.

I believe it. He really is. Like, you know, I would say I've been in five episodes of The Unicorn. And so, you know, I've spent some time with him. And I have no qualms about... I've worked with some really big name actors and I never have qualms about asking for a selfie. You know, like if there's downtime, like, hey, can I get a picture with you? I would, it's hard. I find it, I would never ask him for a selfie on set.

He is really an intense person. Is there a concern that he would not show up in the selfie because he's a, a witch or a vampire? Yes. Yes. Ella, I mean you, this is, this is interesting because I think I've seen a selfie with you and Werner

Herzog speaking of intense people. Yes. So he was, he was happy to be in the selfie. That's funny that Werner Herzog was less intense than Walton Goggins. He's an intense guy. Like he, in between takes, like you do not chit chat with him. Wow.

He is like in the zone. He is, I mean, he is a real actor's actor. Like he's like prepping. He's in the zone. He's getting into character. He's got a whole, he's got a method. It's the Goggins process. He's got a notebook full he's got a method. It's the Goggins process. He's got a notebook full of notes on relationship comedy.

That's awesome. Amazing. Well, yeah, I'm glad to know that it's good working with Goggins. We're not, you know, buzz marketing the liquor of someone who's not pleasant to work with. No, he's a lovely he's a really interesting and lovely person. Very kind. And he told me this story about how the liquor brand started. And it's because one of his like a DP or somebody that he was a cinematographer he was working with was having a bit of a nervous breakdown about being in Hollywood and was like, I need to get the fuck out of this industry.

And he was like, I'll help you. Wow. Yeah. I'd love to go into business with Goggins. Yeah. Goggins, call us if you want to do a line of wavy chips. I have some ideas. They involve ranch.

The ideas involve ranch. I promise you that he would love to hear all these songs. Oh, good. Yeah, we should compile them somehow and slip them. I don't know how Goggins likes to listen to music. Reel to music, reel-to-reel maybe? Piped into his vomitorium. Reaches up to a high shelf, pulls down a reel-to-reel.

Time to listen to my spells, he says. Here's the deal. I don't want to shut this down forever because it's too special, but I want to hear, I know there are some professional musicians who listen to Jordan Jesse go, semi-professional musicians and avid amateur musicians. I want to hear something with some tracks in it. I want to hear something with a drum break. tracks in it. I want to hear something with a drum break. I want to hear something with a, you know, you don't have to have the Lin drum machine, but how about use that Lin patch?

Listen, we know you're not busy. Assemble the legendary studio musicians known as the Wrecking Crew. Yeah. Bring a few of them back from the dead, whichever ones you have to. Sure, if you have to exhume their corpses. You can reanimate them. Exhume the corpses of the Wrecking Crew. Just wait for a goddamn lightning storm. It's that easy, folks. Yeah, you've seen Frankenstein. Look at Frankenstein do that with the Wrecking Crew. I know what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to get a few guys from the Funk Brothers to fill in with the Wrecking Crew and put together a band. No way. It's either the Funk Brothers or the Wrecking Crew. Yeah, those dudes hate each other. Yeah, James Jamerson has so much beef with the Wrecking Crew, I can't even begin to tell you. Should we name any more studio musicians? I want to hear at least one that involves...

Take that. Sample it. It's gold. studio musicians? I want to hear at least one that involves boom, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, Oh, God. This is turning into an anti-graffiti PSA from 1987. You got us cleaning the streets, yo. It's me, McGruff. Don't do graffiti. JJGo at MaximumFun.org is our email address. You know, hit us up with your SoundCloud. Let's make this happen. We'll plug your band.

We don't give a shit. Yeah, who cares? Obviously. Have you heard this show before? Do you think we give a shit about anything? Oh, this garbage pile? Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Jackie Cation. Hi, I'm Jackie

Cation. Hi, I'm Laurie Kilmartin. And we have a podcast called The Jackie and Laurie Show. Who are you, Laurie Kilmartin? Oh my God, so much pressure. I'm a stand-up. I've been doing stand-up since 1987. I'm a writer for Conan. I've written a couple books, have a couple CDs out, have a special out.

Who are you, Jackie? Well, I, too too am a stand-up comic since 1984. And I do the road like a maniac and don't have a cool writing job, but I have four albums out working on a new album. We talk about stand-up. We talk about all the different parts of stand-up comedy. So that's the Jackie and Lori show and you should subscribe on Maximum Fun if you want to hear that and i would encourage you not to hi this is rachel mcelroy hello this is griffin mcelroy and this is wonderful it's a podcast that we do as we are married. And how's the ad going so far? Because I think it's going very good.

We talk about things we like every week on Wednesdays. One time Rachel talked about pumpernickel bread. It was so tight. You cannot afford to miss her talking about this sweet brown bread. We also talk about music and poems and, you know, weather. There was one... Weather? One time Rachel talked about Baby Bel baby beluga this song for like 14 minutes and it just really blew my hair back so check us out on maximumfun.org it's a cool podcast

with chill vibes amber is the color of our energy is what all the itunes reviews say they will now Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love Morris, Boy Detective. Helen Hong, Dick Cream Investigator. Helen Hong, what a joy it's been to have you on the program. Thank you so much. If people are listening to this show the day it comes out,

May 5th, there is a live Go Fact Yourself put together by Max Funn and our friends at KPCC in Pasadena, California, who also carry NPR's Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

Great radio station, 89.3, if anybody's listening out there in the Los Angeles area. And you can watch live tonight. Go to MaximumFun.org slash events. There's a listing there. You can get in on the live audience. Go fact yourself. Helen, you guys have some really cool guests that are going to be on this show. We do.

Friends of Jordan, Jesse, go. Yes. We have Ophira Eisenberg and Jonathan Colton from Ask Me Another, another NPR show. And then we have some very special secret expert guests. Very excited about this. Doesn't get better than Ophira and Colton. That's a powerhouse duo. Yeah, they are very funny,

and Go Fact Yourself is like a blast of a podcast. I've been on it twice. I've had such a fun time. I've been to see it live. I listen to it via podcast. It's such a great show. Helen, you and Jake Heath are such funny, fun hosts, and your guests are great.

One of my favorite pods, I would say. Ah, guys, I'm blushing. Go Fact Yourself is such a hoot, whether or not you're a trivia fan. If you're a trivia fan and you're not already listening, come on, get your life together. But whether or not you're a trivia fan, basically what happens is they have celebrities on the show, and then those celebrities get quizzed about the things that they are nerds about. And the goal is to basically super nerd regular celebs. You give three choices of things you're nerds about, and you find out on the show what your topic is. When I was on the show, it was the San Francisco Giants, which Jordan Jesse Go listeners won't be surprised to learn.

I'm a big fan of. And I got to talk to, I shit you not, a guest celebrity expert was Hall of Fame San Francisco Gi broadcaster, John Miller, which was the absolute thrill of a lifetime for me. And the guys, the folks that go factor yourself, they're bringing in these kinds of people all the time. It's so fun to listen to, uh, you know, uh, to, to listen to a celeb, uh, have their special nerdiness revealed and then hear the excitement in their voice when the world's greatest expert on their special nervousness is talking to them. What were your topics, Jordan? Well, the last time I was on, of course, again, Jordan, Jesse Goh listeners will not be surprised to know that I could answer some trivia questions about The Simpsons. And the last time I was on-

Nardcore. No, Nardcore. Do not quiz me about Nardcore. I think I know two bands that qualify as Nardcore. I couldn't name you a song. Was it about the Narwhals? I can't remember. Not about Narwhals, not about Nardcore. But I did a quiz on The Simpsons and Yardley Smith was the guest, Lisa's voice.

It was such a thrill. Such a thrill. That was an amazing, actually both of those episodes were fantastic. All three of the episodes that you guys have been on have been amazing, and I learned so much about you guys and how much you guys love to nerd out about the things you nerd out about. But we had Lisa Simpson on the last episode that Jordan was on, and that was amazing. So cool. So cool.

Yeah, I cannot recommend Go Fact Yourself enough. And, yeah, I actually have my virtual ticket to your show on Tuesday. So I will be there watching from home content in pants. As we all will be. And the platform allows you to throw virtual peanuts and gum wrappers at Jordan in the audience if you're also in the audience. So it's a really great setup. Will I get to throw virtual peanuts and gum wrappers at Jordan

if I'm not in the audience? You can just email them to me later. Attach them. Yeah. Maximumfun.org slash events for the live show or just look for Go Fact Yourself in your podcast app that you have open right now. Our email address is JJGo at Maximumfund.org.

Our phone number 206-984-4FUN. And Jordan, before we go, we have a special announcement. I'm going to give you the honors. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, this has been kind of in the works for a while, but it kind of got announced publicly on the day that we're recording this. We're doing a bubble movie. We're doing a bubble movie with Matt Tolmak Productions,

the fine folks who do the Jumanji movies, and Venom and the very hilarious Future Man on Hulu, and also Point Grey. That is Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg's company who do a ton of great stuff. And, yeah, and Sony Animation. We're going to write an R-rated adult animated version of Bubble that hopefully you'll get to see, you know,

in five or six years when animation gets done. Oh, my God, congratulations. Yeah, Helen is in our sci-fi comedy podcast bubble, does a great job in that. Yeah, so it's really cool. It's very exciting. I am nervous because I have not written a movie before, but it was actually very cool of them to let me write the movie.

I mean, you could easily have just bought the property and, you know, tossed it to, you know, Diablo Cody or something like that. But they didn't. They're letting me have a hand in writing it, which is very cool. Now you're co-writing it with Joe Esterhaus, right? Yeah, I want it to be a sleek, erotic thriller. Yeah, it's really exciting, and definitely

the reason that Hollywood took notice is because of our listeners and how cool they were about downloading the show and talking about it and reviewing it and being positive about it. So yeah, definitely the reason that anyone in show business

took notice is because of how awesome the fans are. So definitely thank you so much. And I don't think I can say this yet, but we alluded to another bubble thing when Sarah Morgan was on. That's a whole separate thing. So there's another bubble announcement coming soon. I think the movie one kind of surprised us a little bit. But yeah, definitely thank you so much for supporting Bubble. It was like a labor of love. Um, but yeah, definitely. Thank you so much for like supporting bubble. It was like a labor of love. Everybody like, you know, working on it, um, was doing it because they believed in it. And, uh, yeah, it's, it, it's really cool that it, uh, that it got out

there and it's something that people care about. It's, it's a, it's a great feeling. I definitely like love it and I love the, I love the world and i love its fans and uh yeah i'm so like happy that i keep to i'm so happy that i i can keep uh messing around in the world because it's so so fun and um yeah i think uh i hope everybody uh goes to see the movie log on to fandango now congratulations i'm gonna open up a bag of Wavy Leaves Ranch chips in your honor. Oh, hell yeah. Open them chips. I'll be having carrots and dip. We've been working on this for a really long time, especially Jordan. And it's really exciting. There's a long, long, long road ahead that has many potential pitfalls and detours.

that has many potential pitfalls and detours. But as Jordan said, we still have our other bubble announcement that we have yet to make, and that one has no pitfalls and detours. Well, I mean, it could theoretically, but... Yeah, listen, all of this shit could fall apart at any second. But yeah, there's lots more bubble stuff coming at you, and it is very cool. I promise.

I'm definitely so excited about all of this stuff. Yeah. Our thanks to everybody out there who supported Bubble. It's been so cool. And I know I am very proud of my small part in making it happen. And I'm very proud of my friend Jordan for doing such amazing, extraordinary work on the show that attracted all this. I think we all knew in the Max Fund community, certainly in the Jordan Jesse Go community, we all knew about Jordan's extraordinary talent. But it's nice to get this, you know, it's nice to see Jordan's name in the trades.

He's earned it. No, yeah, thanks. I'm Variety's name in the trades. He's earned it. Oh, yeah, thanks. I'm Variety's Jordan Morris. Please refer to me as such. From the pages of Variety. Or maybe just Variety.com. I don't know if it's in the magazine. Our producer is the Daily Beast's

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us online at MaximumFun.org. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter we are all on Twitter at FunnyHelenHong at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne

you can also like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook where we post all kinds of cool stuff we'll probably post some Walton Goggins songs this week you can also join the MaxFun Facebook group and you can join the Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com, where there is always a lively discussion that often features Hunter Ellenbos's cooking tips. A lot of fun on that Reddit. Yeah, I'm going to ask Hunter to give

his top three cooking hacks, such as if you blitz the oats real quick in the blender, you'll get the... What's that sound again? Okay, we love you very much. Oh, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our sincere thanks to them. Oh, and I'll talk about Tingles Dowser next week. It's going to be good. We love you all very much. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.