Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 636: Golden Age of Nunchucks with Myq Kaplan

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

Myq Kaplan (A.K.A. comedy album) joins Jordan and Jesse to talk about the mild-mannered kids that Jordan and Jesse were friends with as children who had violent hobbies, the comic book that Myq has been reading since the very first issue, and Jordan's lonely dentist. Plus, Myq has a new stand up comedy album - listen to it here!Also! Jesse has declared this week "Tell People About JJGo Week!" So tell some friends about the show or let us know why you like listening on social media – use #JJGo! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the stockman, aka broth boy number one, aka Mr. Souped Up, aka some bones about it, aka time after time, aka soupy sales, a.k.a. Time After Time, a.k.a. Soupy Sales, a.k.a. The Bouillon Bandit, a.k.a. The Stock Pot Racer, a.k.a. The Bayleaf Boy, a.k.a. Celery Stalks at Midday, a.k.a. The Savory Steamer, a.k.a. Chop It Up, Cook It Down, a.k.a. The Essence. Wow, Jordan Morris, boy detective. This is what I like, Jordan Morris, boy detective. This is what I like.

Kill in time with lots of nicknames. Yeah, I wrote them. Took me 45 seconds at least. Whoa, congratulations, man. That's really impressive. It's great that you're finding ways to be creative. I love creativity, Jordan. Me too.

Oh, there is nothing I love more than creativity. The only thing I can think of that I love more than creativity is possibly maybe lifelong learning. Maybe. And apparently broth or stock? Why the nicknames? Explain it to us. This is another

cooking adventure, I take it. I'm going to be clear. There's no payoff to this. I've just been making a lot of stock. You get a gallon Ziploc bag. You know the big boy. You know what I'm talking about? The big boy? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. You know what I love when it comes to Ziploc bags? And I'm sorry to derail your story.

Okay, go ahead. I love a quart. We never had quart Ziplocs around my house growing up, so I never thought to buy them. They were just never on my shopping list. But then I think I mistakenly got some quarts. These things are so useful. They're so useful. You could, half a cucumber goes great in a quart. Capacious. They're capacious, more so than a sandwich size. And they're sturdy if you get the freezer style, which I do. Sure, sure. Yeah, a little label on there.

Jordan, I'm not ashamed to admit this. I purchased mine at the warehouse store. Where? The warehouse store. Do people remember the warehouse? Sorry, people who are even three years younger than we are. And maybe didn't grow up in California. Was that a regional chain?

It might have been a regional chain. Might have been a regional chain. Okay, what were you getting at the warehouse? You were getting, you could rent movies. Yeah, there was a thing. The big thing was you could bring in five CDs, any five CDs and trade them for one CD, right? Right, yeah.

So, and yeah, and I think, and then you could also purchase the used CDs that people had brought in and those were one of two, one of three CDs. It was, they were either Add It Up, The Best of the Violent Femmes,

the Romeo Plus Juliet soundtrack, Added up the best of the violent femmes. The Romeo plus Juliet soundtrack. And of course, the jerky boys. This is all the warehouse sold. Yeah. There was a warehouse warehouse. Oh, and their slogan was where? The warehouse.

Yeah. There was a warehouse warehouse. And I know this. It was like a discount warehouse. And I know this because... Like a Nordstrom Rack situation? Like you could buy copies of the Romeo plus Juliet soundtrack that were slightly irregular? Or the Jerky Boys solo albums. Right. When the Jerky Boys broke off like Kiss to make solo albums. They were less good without the makeup. I don't know enough about either to continue this riff.

I had a girlfriend in high school whose parents had significant mental health issues. I'm not having a laugh at their expense. It was quite difficult for her and her family. But her father was a bit of a hoarder. And he would come home with 99-cent VHS tapes from the warehouse warehouse. I don't remember what it was. It might have literally been called the warehouse warehouse.

And just every wall in the corridor was lined with VHS tapes. And on the one hand, I didn't have to live there. So easy access to pretty much every VHS tape. Whether it was Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade or the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. Or the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. And if I'm, you know, knowing the warehouse and the era, you probably also had more than one copy of that video where all the cartoon characters teamed up to tell you not to do drugs. Yes, exactly.

So many. So anyway, I have one of these gallon Ziploc bags. Right. And I keep it in my freezer. And then when I have trimmings, I put the trimmings in there. And when there's bonzos, I put those in there. And when it's full, I put that in the stock pot and boil it off, baby. Man, that sounds amazing.

What are you using the stock for? To thicken up a chili? Or thin a chili, I would say, probably. You're probably going to want to use masa to thicken a chili. I'm using it for everything. Here's the secret, Jordan. You get yourself some of these, again, I hate to use this as a platform for marketing, but it's a product I believe in.

You get yourself some of these semi-disposable gladware tupperwares oh yeah those are great probably not great for the environment but man oh man are those convenient yeah i love i love breaking one and not feeling bad about it it's just the greatest feeling in the world like well it only cost me a quarter and i used it 10 times yeah sure did i forget about the tahini two months ago? Is the grossness of washing this going to be more than 25 cents worth of grossness? Exactly. I got a few at Big Lots the other day. I was feeling great. Oh, yeah. So I'll fill up. I'll take the stock. I'll fill up some of those, pack them up, put them in the back of the freezer that way it's always ready when i need to make soup uh or anything else stock heavy

and then get a load of this jordan here's a life pro tip i won't i'm full i don't have i don't have room don't you dare refuse me jordan uh i will i have an extra ice cube tray, a third ice cube tray, into which I pour stock so that I've always got stock if I need to deglaze a pan. Or if you want to make yourself a nice beefy cocktail at the end of the night. Oh, God. A gin and beef?

Little gin, little tonic, yeah yeah you feed her gin beefy ice cubes our guest on this week's jordan jesse goes a beloved stand-up comic he's got a brand new record called mike caplan aka please welcome mr mike Hi, Mike. Thank you so much for having me. And now I have so much to say about so many things that you've been sharing. Like, number one, if you asked me what they sell at the warehouse store, I would have immediately guessed warehouses. You know, I don't know what other, why would you call your store that? You know, you go down to the record store.

What do they have there? You know, like they have records at the warehouse store. They have warehouses at the record store. So we're having fun already. Mike, hold on. I couldn't agree more. I'm having a blast. Yes, yes.

Wait until you hear this, Mike. It was spelled W-H-E-R-E. Oh, no. Oh, well, that changes. W-H-E-R-E-H-O-U-S-E. So one can only presume it sold wheres. This changes everything for me. I retract all of my previous, I don't know if it was snark. I think it was just fun, but I will, I'll just take this time to do one final joke about it and say that, oh, I thought it was actually a man that turned into a house just once a month.

You know, just he was a warehouse. A warehouse. Got it. Sure. I'll take my indignation off record. But off mic, off air, I don't know how things work. Hey, it's a podcast. You can't hear the listener's boo.

things work i hey it's a podcast you can't hear the listeners boo uh but this is a more sincere thing that i want to share uh that i appreciate uh is now we have we have all we've interacted before but we're not we have not planned what i'm about to say and i know that whenever whenever i see like a magician talking to a person in the audience who i don't know and they say now we've never met and the person confirms and i'm like well if they had met and this was set up that's also what they would say so yeah but the point here is this isn't carefully planned oh no perfectly crafted like my list of nicknames earlier no but it's what I'm about to say is 100 about your list of nicknames so I think for sure if we were trying to throw people off the case like i don't know i don't know what people believe anymore i just want to say thank

you for just repeating the title of my album over and over in between each one of your nicknames aka aka aka aka that is the name the my name mike ca Kaplan, is, of course, on the album cover. That is the artist who has created the album, is what aka stands for aka all killing aside which we decided not to call it in these times for reasons that without the context that the album is about kindness compassion love and not murdering people might be like all killing aside why are you putting aside like in this time of suffering and uncertainty and disease and and death like what is this like that old joke about like mrs lincoln other than that how was the play like so that's why i talked to my mom and she said how about all kidding aside that would be a nice name and i'm

like that does take some of the kidding aside uh so that's why we went with aka it stands for all the things that we want the thing all killing aside all kidding aside also known as it's also my name mike caplan and aka and i do apologize for doing this sort of ask me anything about uh my name given michael adam caplan this has been an aka m aka ma the album comes out the 8th of may thank you so much for having me uh is that how to podcast no No, but it's already done. I thank you so much for having me. There's two albums we just want to make sure our listeners check out. One, of course, a.k.a. from the very hilarious Mike Kaplan.

I actually checked out some of the preview tracks on Apple Music today, and I thought they were very funny. I can only imagine that the whole album is as funny, if not funnier. So yeah, check out that. And then, of course, the soundtrack to Romeo Plus Juliet, Baz Luhrmann's tawdry reimagining of the classic with music from The Cardigans and others. Oh, yeah.

Let's say silver chair can i tell you that uh that song i think the one in in there by the cardigans is it the love me love me like their famous song or whatever whatever that song was yeah i i this was kind of in the in the era of soundtracks where you you put out a cd that was like inspired music inspired by the movie and it was just someone's like B-side or something like that. So I would guess it was probably not the hit, but I could be wrong. 500 Miles, I'm Gonna Be by The Proclaimers, plus like a Leah B-side,

were the anchors of any soundtrack album, possibly a ballad by Aerosmithmith a new ballad by aerosmith yeah maybe uh maybe something peppy by seal uh-huh it was one of seals peppier tracks did he did he did he have any peppy tracks is that have you ever heard the album seals uh roller disco party does it have uh only the two songs that i know on it kiss from a rose and whatever the other one is that those in bounce rock skate yeah oh okay seals roller disco party also doubles as the soundtrack to the faculty starring jordana brewster famke jansen uh i don't know if i'm good jensen Oh, I think Famke Jansen is in the faculty.

Oh, I'm sorry. I pronounced it wrong. The faculty. The faculty. Starring Famke. Yes. Famke's in the faculty. My favorite movie of the time was probably Meet the Famkes.

Right. Is that anything? Is that something? I think it is. I think it's something. What's a podcast? I just want to say, like, sincerely, though, it is an honor to be playing the part of Mike Kaplan, a.k.a. Go on this podcast. You are the Go.

So, Mike, if you, so you don't remember The Warehouse. No. But I think you were about our age. When you were a kid, where did you go for, go for like you know movies and music and other like teenager stuff uh let's see i grew up in new jersey uh i would for maybe this is earlier i would go to kb toys for toys uh i would go to what are we talking here mike when you're going to kb toys are you getting uh is it a ninja turtle is it oh i certainly had many ninja turtles i did not have gack i didn't wasn't a big slime fan uh i did i would take like a toy of slimer

from the ghostbusters but that toy was not itself slimy only uh a visual representation there of i i had a lot of the secret wars marvel action figures. I had a bunch of those. Your Spider. They all had shields. That was a weird thing. Like Captain America had a shield. And also Baron Zemo and Spider-Man and Wolverine. Why doesn't everyone?

It was like a secret decoder thing in the shield. So it wasn't even his real shield. I guess. Thanks for having me on your shield podcast. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I love mostly action. I guess thanks for having me on your shield podcast And Yeah sure I love mostly action figures that my mother Would not let me have any with guns So I got any GI Joes she'd throw away the guns

They could only go on diplomatic missions I had You bought them from their special United Nations security Forces subset Yes just come in and check And see if you guys are maintaining the guidelines of the treaty that you signed.

So we don't have to... I guess, you know, roadblock and snake eyes could also maybe like help with irrigation, you know, in some countries that have trouble getting clean water, you know? Yeah. They say that knowing is half the battle. And that's the half that we focused on in my household. No, right. Sure. Not the battle, and that's the half that we focused on in my household. No, right. Sure.

Not the battle part. Oh, yeah. The other half of the battle, which is death and destruction. Yeah, but who needs that? Not me. Not the Kaplan household. Right. Yeah.

I mean, I guess you just want the part of the G.I. Joes where you convince kids not to huff paint or play around in old refrigerators that they find. Yeah. We also had some Thundercats. Oh, yeah, Thundercats were fun. They just had swords and nunchucks, things that they're totally fine for kids to play with. So, I mean, I do imagine, I guess, as a kid, it all seemed like fantasy.

You know, it was like guns, that's not real. Swords, like I wasn't going to get a sword or a gun. And I'm glad, but I assume to my adult parents, they were like, a gun is a thing that could happen. And nunchucks, you have to really work at to end up in trouble with. We really grew up in a golden age of nunchucks, didn't we? All care. Every every entertainment property featured a nunchuck character or a nunchucks. Do kids today even know what... Jesse, do your kids know what nunchucks are?

Do they want nunchucks? Are they talking about them? In your opinion, what's modern kids' level of awareness, i.e. nunchucks? I mean, if they know about nunchucks it's only because i have been showing them classic entertainment from the 1980s and early 1990s or teenage mutant ninja turtles blood sport starring jean-claude van damme coming to america benny and june are there nunchucks and benny and june no i'm just listing things from the late 80s oh okay benny and june might be from the mid 90s i guess yeah anyway no i really don't think

that they know what nunchucks are and i don't think they know what ninja stars are which is it was another really central cultural weapon i mean mean, I've talked about this on the show before. It was probably years ago now. But in the neighborhood I grew up in, the Mission District in San Francisco, on Mission Street, and it was something where I thought it was maybe just a dream I had had as a child, but then a few people who were from the neighborhood verified it later to me on Twitter or something. There was a ninja store. There was a store that sold ninja equipment.

And in the front window was like a giant, like a halberd and throwing stars and nunchucks. Oh, yeah. throwing stars and nunchucks oh yeah and that and the wig store were the most compelling but also terrifying stores in the entire neighborhood like in the in the world of my neighborhood that was also kind of a fantastical world when I was a child, the most vivid places to me are those two places. And I never went into either of them. In fact, in middle school, the girl that I, I guess, subway pooled with, we took the subway home from school together because we were 12 or whatever. She wanted to go in the wig store and i refused because i was afraid i had the same feeling about the about the ninja store like never open the door

always closed and you i just felt like if i went in there and i wasn't a real ninja i was cruising for a bruising sure yeah you'd never see it coming either. No, absolutely not. Just be a poison dart to the side of the neck. You'd just slap it really quick, and then you'd keel over. You know those kind of flat-soled shoes with toes? Right. I mean, just two toes, like a frog's foot. You know what I'm talking about? Those kind ninja shoes i was uh i was friends one of my best friends growing up was a very mild-mannered kid named mike nguyen and he was a just a nice just a sweet nerd he loved star wars he loved uh warcraft like not world but you know the original warcraft where it was a turn-based strategy game um but he had a butterfly knife and like he was not like he was not a trouble

like a trouble kid i never knew him to like do drugs or anything but like he he just had a butterfly knife and could casually take it out and flip it around. It was the, yeah. And I was never worried that Mike Nguyen was going to do anything because he was such a sweetie. But, um. He brought his butterfly knife to school? Oh, no. It was a different time. Yeah.

No, I don't think he ever had it at school. But just when I would, like, go over to his house to play video games he would like casually break out a butterfly knife man you know the kid who went to my elementary school who had both a nintendo and a sega master system tony mccauley uh the one who i mean this kid this kid was serious he had his birthday party at pizzaes, the pipe organ themed pizza restaurant. Yeah. That guy had a real black belt in karate. Wow. And the same thing.

Very mild mannered kid. We were 10 years old, 9, 10 years old. He had a real black belt in karate. And if you asked him to do karate moves he could do them do you think he could do that thing where you put your thumbs in someone's eyes and then the eyes come out oh no oh i think he probably could have and besides that he also got those those bears those little koala bears that were full of chocolate in his lunch you know those bears oh yeah koala yummies yeah uh it here's here's my theory on a couple of these things uh the perhaps the reason he was

so mild-mannered is he was able to get all of his aggression out at the dojo that perhaps before karate entered his life his parents were like we need he's kicking stuff in the house and hurting both our furniture and his foot. Where can we direct this energy? Tiger Shulman, I hope. I don't know if that's a nationwide thing, but that's a guy who there's. Are you familiar with Tiger Shulman? Not in the slightest. No, he sounds like someone you would fight late in the game and punch out.

Exactly. So he had a bunch of karate places around at least the northeast uh so whatever put your equivalent in their little league karate places and similar to i assume that uh mr nguyen uh what just i assume he got it because he liked butterflies and he's like i'll get anything that is butterfly in the name and then oh right sure he has a he has a lisa freg sticker book exactly you got to catch them all all the butterflies and uh all the butterflies and i presume that he uh so he has this butterfly knife and he's you said he's not he's not like into drugs he's not doing these other things

that's a good that's good a sweet if you've got that knife you don't want to mix that with drugs other than having other than having a butterfly knife the only other thing mike nguyen did that was even remotely tough or dangerous was have double dragon to the double dragon game where it was a little bit confusing because one button attacked right and one button attack oh that is confusing yeah it was a little confusing they tried to mix it up but uh you know i think in subsequent games they went back to the original formula let's get one button to punch and one button to kick thank you very much thank you and you just attack whichever way you're facing thank you thank you thank you god now that i'm remembering now that i'm remembering

this kid he also i guess he also had zippo lighters holy shit maybe he was trouble we never did anything bad together oh my god maybe you were a good influence maybe every time you went over there he started playing with the knife but he was like you know maybe i won't bring out the fire today and maybe you know your influence yeah over the course of time you're like he showed me them he didn't wasn't like threatening me with them he just like took them out and showed me a zippo and then he showed me a butterfly knife into the thing where you like flip out the knife and flip it around and i thought it was very cool and then we just did something quiet and nerdy together can i ask you a question

jordan yes did you ever wonder why his room had so many blackened spoons and lengths of surgical tubing? I figured he was crafty. Do you know, I had, to get back to the original source of why I think this topic came up, I had nunchucks that were like Nerf, I think. Whoa, Nerf chucks. Exactly. I mean, I bet that's great for, like, practicing, you know? Oh, yeah.

You don't want to, like, just give a kid, I don't know what a typical nunchuck is made of. Is it wood or steel or something? But, yeah, you want to give them a practice chuck. These things, they would still hurt. There was something in them, and it would hurt if you hit yourself. So, but not, you know, you were okay. I'm okay, and I certainly hit myself a lot. Mike, I have to admit that when you said that you had many Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and many Thundercats, I became insanely jealous.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I had two Masters of the Universe, both of which... Were Mecha-neck. One of them was Mecha robotic neck one of them was mecha neck and the other one was moss man was one actually mecha neck yes really oh wow that is yeah that is uh that is like an all-time lame character so here's here's the thing i don't know i don't mean to maybe mecha neck i don't mean to to slag no i mean jesse if Mechanic Jesse. I didn't mind doing it over and over, making him extend his neck. And I liked the distinctive smell of Mossman.

I liked that guy too. I had no Masters of the Universe. I only played with them at other people's homes. I particularly loved the battle damage He-Man. Do you remember that one? Oh yeah, that's really good. It was like a button you could press and his chest would spin around. loved the battle damage he-man do you remember that one yeah that's really good it would it was like a button you could press and his chest would spin around horrifically to reveal scarification

both of the masters of the universe that i had i got when my dad had to work at his uh friend and colleague ed's house in oakland and we would take the bart to oakland and near ed's house in Oakland and we would take the Bart to Oakland and near Ed's house there was a used toy store so I got to on those two occasions I got to choose a used toy and so those were like the only

franchise toys I had other than some Star Wars toys that were like hand-me-downs from my dad's girlfriend's son who was older than me. And my neighbor, Gus Iverson, he had, rumor was, I think I heard it from him,

he had every master of the universe, every single He-Man, and She-Ra, for that matter, and Castle Greyskull, everything. Whoa. Mike, what was your, like, coveted toy as a kid? Was there ever something you wanted but never were able to get your hands on?

You know, the answer's probably yes, but I don't... It hasn't stayed with me to this day. I will say that I certainly didn't have complete sets of everything. In fact, I would set up like different, like there's a friend of mine who had a joke about having like mismatched sets of toys. His name is Abe Smith, I think. I know his name was Abe Smith. I believe this was his joke uh that uh he's

like oh i'll get you wonder woman oh no roger clemens and and so that was like what was literally going on or let's say figuratively going on in my living room i would set up like the ewok village and like a transformer city that transformed into like a giant it was like almost my size, but then it was a city and like a, a dungeons and dragons dungeon. Oh shit. That sounds fucking rad.

It was. And I would like connect them with like blocks, you know, like just like wooden blocks or, and Lego things. And I would like sometimes lose my, I was like, where'd my karate kid guy go?

And I was like, Oh, he's over here. A month later, I thought someone stole him from my home when I was the only person who was ever touching these toys. But yeah, I think I coveted just, you know, I became a completist in ways that I'm still now being like, oh, well, I can't do everything of every of any like I can't watch all the great movies. I can't listen to all the podcasts. I can't read all of great movies. I can't listen to all the podcasts. I

can't read all of the recommended books. And so I'm like learning to let that go. But at the time I was a blossoming completist and I was like, I just would covet any complete I would like any full set of something instead of this mismatch. Were you were you ever what did you were you ever able to complete something? You know, I mean, I think I eventually started reading comic books. And for sure, I would love to start at the beginning of a series and then just... There is actually... There's one series of comic that I have read pretty much, I think, every issue from 1992 on. Firestorm and nuclear, man.

Can I guess? You may guess. Savage Dragon? That's 100% correct. That was going to be my guess. That was my real guess, and then I decided to say the thing. Holy cow. 1992.

I mean, if you- No, I remember going to get the first Savage Dragon. Me too. It was a big deal. I mean, if you know, I remember I remember going to get the first Savage Dragon. Me too. I'm not even a big deal. I'm a I'm a I'm a small level comic book guy. And I totally that was my favorite Spider-Man guy. And then he started his own thing.

And I'm like, this is my favorite Spider-Man guy. I'm going to get his new thing. So wait. So, Mike, have you can because that's like that has some sort of distinction as being the like one of the longest running comics in publication that's not Superman. Do you still read it? These days, I don't go. I think my comic store in Brooklyn stopped carrying the individual episodes. Shout them out.

They're listening. Galaxy. I fucking guarantee it. Galaxy collectibles, I love you. And I understand that not a lot of people were buying Savage Dragon individual comics. And so at a certain point, I did switch to just the trades or downloading the equivalent of the trades when they've come out. But yeah, I have. So there's probably a few.

The most recent episodes, I haven't. But i will get them i will keep up but yeah we've read hundreds hundreds of episodes of issues i could you summarize what's happened since 1993 for me oh sure does he still face off with prime every now and then and now and then you know i mean one thing that i do love about it is that uh the characters age in basically real time so now the main character is dragon's son who was born almost two decades ago whoa cool and yeah i really like this is like for better or for worse 100 i was that's i i love they were kids then they were adults and they had their own kids it's like it really is like the anti like almost every other you know like like okay superman can die but he comes back he's superman sure batman his back's broken okay but he's back he's there's another guy but it's batman don't worry everybody it's batman but it's really nice to age and then see like the there's a quote i like from

a poet named robert haas i believe his name is he says uh repetition makes us feel secure variation makes us feel free so it's nice to have the variation of the aging characters having new experiences not fighting the same villains over and over again, with the kind of repetition, the solidarity with our own lived experience. That's really beautiful. Yeah, that's beautiful. I agree. That's a really beautiful musing on the influence of the Savage Dragon. That's why I love Savage Dragon, the comic book where people punch each other and boobs are very large. Yeah, I mean, it's the famous comic book

written by my favorite Spider-Man guy. Are you not saying his name for a reason? Don't remember what it was. Oh, it's Eric. Eric Larson, of course. Eric with a K. Does he still write it? That is, I think, the thing that is the distinction

about Savage Dragon is that he has, from the beginning, been the only writer there was in fact one episode one issue where all of the image comics guys traded and like eric larson wrote maybe spawn or something and somebody maybe jim lee wrote a savage dragon number 13 but then eric larson was like i want to write all of them so he wrote his own number 13 so even in with those constraints he has written all he is he's been the only one it's his thing he should go into comic books yeah that's funny you saying talking about like kind of you know uh going back and forth between whether or not

you want to read the trades or the single issues that is definitely something that i periodically tell myself i'm going gonna kick like buying single issue comics and like because you know it's it's they're they're so expensive they're like you know it's oh yeah so much space it just you know if there's a pile of them it just makes you look unfuckable i don't care how positive we're being about nerd stuff as a culture a pile of floppy fucking comics makes you look unfuckable if they are on your coffee table i had i bought one for my son uh oscar a few months ago that i just saw on the coffee table it's a garfield comic book no yeah he chose it he was allowed to choose

anything shout out to secret headquarters in uh silver lake california uh where i got recognized one time uh and i picked up this garfield comic i mean it's a garfield comic book you know what i mean it's it's a it's for six-year-olds is it is it collected strips or is it a like a longer garfield adventure it's a garfield adventure story it is a comic book it is not a it's not a graphic it's not a collection it's not a soft cover book it's a comic yeah and it was eight dollars i was like i gave them eight dollars for fucking garfield i had no idea when i bought it it's a crossover event crisis on infinite girth he's fat I had no idea when I bought it. It's a crossover event.

Crisis on infinite girth. He's fat. It did have a hologram cover of a lasagna. Well, there you go. Oh, my God. I had a book. I don't even know how to describe this Garfield book to people if you don't know what it is. But it was called, like, Gar garfield's nine lives it wasn't pornographic per se no no it was it was an erotic thriller it was um oh is this the thing that got

made into the like famously like depressing miniseries or movie of the week or something like that maybe i don't know about that part but there was there so there was just nine lives that as you understand cats have and so garfield being a cat this applies to him uh and like the first one he's like a cave person cat and then at some point he's like a viking and at some point uh he's in the future but there was one that was like really scary and it was like drawn not like garfield it was like very realistic and this cat like attacks an old lady and that's the end of that life and i was i don't know i don't know i mean that was the end of the story and i guess maybe the lady fed him so now you know he he doesn't get that anymore after he eats her body

if that's what he does but uh who can say that was just that was where the story ended in that part for for me maybe i just threw it across the room in horror but i just i just i haven't even thought about that in so long but i've never met anyone else that i know that who's like i also read that i'm like did only one copy get made so anyone out there garfield's nine Lives. I remember that. I'm confirming it for you. I remember it. I did not own it myself, but I definitely read some of it at a friend's house. Jesse, did you page through your son's Garfield adventure? What's Garfield up to these days? Is it still Monday's Lasagna Odie, or is he dab it was complicated it was it was a it was a sort of the player style

hollywood satire oh cool and it was written by a guy who was on my public radio show once named mark evanier or evanier i can't remember if the R is pronounced, but I think he wrote, I feel like he wrote a book about Jack Kirby or something like that. This was 15 years ago. And he was on the show. And I remember, I remember him being a very nice guy who is exactly like the guy that you would expect would write a book about Jack Kirby. You know what I mean? Like a very, very committed comic book guy. But I liked him. I remember liking him and thinking he was a lot of fun. And I recognize his name and I'm like,

huh, so he's writing show business satire Garfield comics now. There's a lot of different jobs. The world's a lot of different jobs. The world has a lot of different jobs. Find your niche and fill it. You know, if you see something that's not in the world that you wish were there,

just that's your place. He's bringing the spirit of Jack Kirby to the Garfield universe. Right. It's a little trippy, maybe inspired by experimenting experimenting with lsd there's a race of godlike space lasagnas that rule over there sure well now i don't even know if you're joking anymore um can i tell you guys uh do you guys know tony v the comedian from boston uh no no sir he's a a

wonderful delightful hilarious man who has this. I, I, I don't know if he's still telling it, but years ago he had a joke about Garfield and he was like, you've never laughed at it. Uh, but it's, it comes out every day. And he's like, I just want to know if Jim Davis, the creator is like, yeah, man, uh, they keep sending the checks. So I'll keep cashing them. and yeah, he likes lasagna again. Who cares? Or if he's like, Davis, you're a genius. Every day you're met with three blank panels,

and every day you give them gold. And it resonated with me so much when I heard him tell, I was like, that's how I feel about Garfield. I read it so much when I heard him tell, I was like, that's how I feel about Garfield. I read it so much when I was younger. He said what we were all thinking about Garfield. And then Garfield thought what we were all saying. Oh, boy.

I do love that you're familiar with Garfield minus Garfield. Oh, sure, yes. They take Garfield out of the comic, and it's just John talking to himself. And it looks like someone who is having a nervous breakdown. It's existential dread. And what I love about it more, I love it, but I also love that Jim Davis gave them his blessing. Yeah. I think if I was to guess I would guess that Jim

David I don't know anything about the man He could be he could be wonderful but I Bet he is a Craven money monster Oh Just because there's so much Garfield Stuff You know it's like you know

You hear stories of Bill Watterson Wouldn't you know Wouldn't license Calvin and Hobbes because, you know, because that would break the reality of whether Hobbes was real or not, you know. And I guess I would think that Jim Davis is just rolling around in a money pile. Not that he doesn't deserve the money pile, not that he's, you know, that he's. But, yeah, I would guess that if Jim Davis got a cut of Garfield minus Garfield, he was probably on board for it. My daughter is unreasonably obsessed with Calvin and Hobbes, which is fine because Calvin and Hobbes is exceptionally good.

Yeah, I think Calvin. Yeah, I really think every kid should have a little Calvin and Hobbes period. Right. That's good for you. Every adult, if you missed it as a kid, it's one of the things that I would say is on my life syllabus for everyone. And there's not a lot of things on it. So I watched a documentary about the creator of Calvin and Hobbes with my daughter. But he did not agree to appear in the film.

And there are all these scenes with the people who ran his syndicate talking about how important it is and and so on and so forth and then they get to the parts about like making merchandise or uh running it in a in a different order or at a different like in a different shape or size on the comics page which is another thing he refused to do. And you can just see these poor sweet men who have dedicated their lives to comic strips in the newspaper, like these just real high and lowest lovers

or whatever that strip is called. These sweet, sweet 70-year-old men, you know what I mean? Just trying to think of how they can say, this asshole cost me my retirement. Without being mean, because it's a documentary. They obviously also love the comic strip

because they love the comic strips, but they're just like, just make- How about some t-shirts? Because it's a documentary. They obviously also love the comic strip because they love the comic strips. But they're just like, just make one plush Hobbes and we all get boats. And he wrote, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, wrote these introductions to the books. And I don't know how many people have looked at them recently or as adults. There may be some of our listeners who were adults at the time uh and saw them then but like i think for people our age who were eight it would have just floated right past you but at least one of them just has like a an anti-commercialism screed at the beginning that I read recently, you know, six months ago. And I was like, whoa, this is, I mean, I'm anti-commercialist myself in many ways. I was

like, this is fucking intense. This is like Unabomber shit. It was truly astonishing the different stuff that pissed him off. So that's why Calvin was peeing on all those car logos. Exactly. Now I see. Okay. He's like, I won't make toys. I won't make calendars. And I won't drive a goddamn Chevy.

Wow. But there's a part in the documentary where Berkeley breathed the creator of Bloom County, talks about his longtime friendship with the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, which involved them writing each other letters. Calvin and Hobbes, which involved them writing each other letters. But when he's describing the letters that the Calvin and Hobbes guy would write to him, they were all just beefs that he had with Bloom County. Like shit that pissed him off about Bloom County. It's the same thing. He's like talking about it very fondly.

And you're like, are you sure this man was your friend? I mean, if I may, having no experience, having read any of these letters, seen the documentary, read that introduction. Let me let me be generous to old Mr. Watterson. And like he didn't have to write to him at all. You know, he he but he was offer offering by, you know, he was being a friend, perhaps the only way that he knew how, you know, like one time I think I saw like a story about like, I mean, Letterman talking to like Bob Dylan about how they're like at our level of like the number of people that know us, like we're the only two people like we're some of the only people who can have this conversation about what it's like to be us.

And so Bill Watterson, even if he did hate everything that happened in Bloom County, he's like, but this is my brother and I need him. Well, let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Hey gang, I just wanted to break in here for a second and remind you that I am going to be doing a live Twitch stream watch along with the gang from Max Fund's movie podcast, Who Shot Ya? We're going to be watching The Avengers on May 16th at 1 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. That's Saturday, May 16th at 1 p.m. We're going to be watching The Avengers, and I cannot wait. The gang from Who Shot Ya? is so funny, so cool, so film literate. I think it's going to be a real blast. That's going to be happening at twitch.tv slash if these twitch.tv slash I F D E E Z twitch.tv slash if these live Avengers watch along with the gang from who shot you 1 p.m. on May 16th. See you then.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the stockman. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Mike, no nickname, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the stock man, Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Mike, no nickname Kaplan. So what you do, Jordan, is you save your celery stocks, right? You save your carrot trimmings. You save your your, you know, a quarter of an onion that you didn't need. You save your bones, you save your trimmings. You toss them all in that bag, and then when it's time, you put them in the slow cooker. You put them in a big stock pot on the stove all day. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

Stock for days, baby. Sounds like fun. It's a lot of fun. Jordan, I have been continuing to read my copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales. Mike, for your benefit, I bought a copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales, and, for your benefit, I bought a copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales. And it is, as it turns out, quite grim.

Oh. And I'm ready to repeat my signature repeating segment, which I forgot what I called it before, but now I'm going to call it Jesse's Fairy Tales. It's selections from Grimm's Fairy Tales. So first I'm just going to read you guys uh just one

one quick paragraph from fairy tale number 51 which is called the foundling uh it's about a it's about a little boy uh who gets carried away by an eagle uh or hawk excuse me and and then uh forester finds him and brings him home to live with his daughter. And then there's an evil witch and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, the guy in his story, the foundling and the daughter,

they're brother and sister, and they have magic powers to transform into things and they're trying to get away from the witch. It sounds like it makes sense. Yeah. This is just the final paragraph of the story. So you skip all the bullshit, get straight to the lesson.

Here. When the cook arrived and saw the pond, she lay down beside it and began to drink it up. However, the duck quickly swam over, grabbed her head and its beak, and dragged her into the water. The old witch was thus drowned, and the children went home together. They were very happy, and if they have not died, they are still alive. Ain't that the truth. Ain't it the truth.

Classic lesson. Yeah. If they haven haven't died they're still alive yeah if you hey if you're listening uh to this podcast uh and i haven't died i'm still alive uh i want to add that if you're listening to this podcast and i have died i'm still alive whoa wow shit dude super spooky fucking cat in the box with the atom right what you know anytime i'm trying to kill a witch guys and this is this is just good like life hack style advice for anybody in our audience i turn into a duck and i get my sister to turn into a pond yeah and then when that witch comes i fucking grab that bitch with my with my duck beak and pull her into the water and drown her it seems like now you know like with kids entertainment like there's a lot of you know there's a lot of kind of like nuanced lessons you know that you're

trying to get across you know like um sometimes it's okay to be sad and you know embrace you know that you're trying to get across you know like um sometimes it's okay to be sad and you know embrace you know embrace diversity but it feels like back then it was just stay out of the woods don't go in the woods that's how a kid dies is they go in the woods so don't don't go like it just is all about keeping kids in the house and out of the woods. Like there's no time to talk about like, you know, we all experience emotions differently. It's just like, get out of the woods. There's also a broader message. And this is one that I think is better conveyed in today's children's entertainment, uh, which is some women are perfectly virtuous,

but most are evil. yeah and some are secretly a pond uh this one there's just there's just one more little selection from the next one i mean this is the same page uh this is from number 52 uh that i liked because i thought you know roast battles are big sure Sure. These days. Real quick. I mean, Mike, you're. Yeah, I'm a comedian. I would love to talk about roast battles.

But are you saying that the chapter one story ended and then the next one starts on the same? They don't even go to the next page or it's on the same. Yeah, same page, baby. Some of these things are a paragraph long. OK. OK, that's fair then. Yes. But sorry. So, you know.

You love roast battles. I'm a comedian. Yeah. So you're a comedian you you know about this phenomenon of sweeping the nation roast battles uh anyway what what i feel like uh is this king's daughter in this story she might have a future in roast battles i think i think you guys are going to learn what i mean by this when i when i read this little selection from this if we don't learn it then we'll ask some more questions.

Yeah, okay. So anyway, the king wants to marry off his daughter, so he lines all the prospective suitors up and just marches them on past. This is something that we've all done at our debutante's balls, at our senior proms.

It's just a super foxy babe, and you just line up, go, eh? And she goes, mm-hmm, or mm-mm. And that's how you know whether you're married or not. So anyway,

the king's daughter was conducted down the line, and she found fault with each one of the suitors there. One was too fat for her. That wine barrel, she said. One was too fat for her. That wine barrel, she said. Another was too tall.

Tall and thin, he looks like a pin. The third was too short. Short and fat, built like a vat. Oh, wow. Fourth one was too pale. He resembles death.

Well, I think Jeff Ross has been nicking some of these. Yeah, I know. Oh, boy, this is a scandal. This is a real scandal that's going to rock the comedy world. I know what you're thinking. He resembles death. Sure. I know.

Short and fat. He's built like a vat. Some of them know. Short and fat. He's built like a vet. Some of them rhyme. Others don't. The fifth was too red. What a rooster. Whoa. The sixth did not stand straight enough.

Green wood dried behind the stove. I think that's the ultimate burn. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. Ouch. You know what I mean? There was not a single man whom she did not criticize, but she made the most fun of a good king who stood at the head of the line

and had a chin that was a bit crooked. My goodness, she exclaimed and laughed. He's got a chin like a thrush's beak. From then on, everybody called him Thrushbeard. Wow, this is, I mean, you know. Oh, honestly, that's fucked up. Dating's hard. It hasn't changed that much.

Brian, please drop in bam, bam. Brian. Please drop in some air horns. Right. I think that's what Grimm's fairy tales were missing. It's air horns. Oh, snap. And a hype man. Had a crooked chin, so they all called him King Thrushbeard. It seems disrespectful to call it King that.

Also, that name sounds fine to me. I guess I'm not of the time. I don't really know the customs, but it sounds pretty cool. It sounds like a fun pirate who likes birds, I think. Yeah. Isn't Thrush some kind of genital infection? Oh, wow. I was going to say it sounds like a

psychobilly band. Like a rockabilly band that plays really fast and they're they're kind of goth not a nardcore band no that's uh thinking of ill repute okay thank you i looked that up but i guess i guess in oxnard there is an ill repute day like it is ill repute day in oxnard once a year because they're so proud of the adventures of the nardcore sound can i can i ask you uh like a really serious question uh yeah sure go for it yeah we can do one what type of hardcore music comes from ontario california oh i don't know i don't know that there are any famous hardcore bands from Ontario.

Pomone Corps? Pomone Corps. From Pomona? Pomone Corps. Okay. Like the Pomones? All right, Joey Pomone. Marky Pomone.

I want to say that I was just sort of dipping my toe in because I'm like, I don't think I have enough of the real information or joke information to fully. I'm like, how deep is this pool? But I'm glad that something worked out. OK, going to be honest, Mike, you've really showed us on this podcast why you're a comedian. Not in the sense that, you know, you're the funniest guy we've ever talked to. You've been very funny, Mike. I appreciate it. Just in the sense that it's very clear that your almost compulsive need to turn any utterance into a semi-pun, would either result in a career as a comedian or like

a 5,000 page diary of like insanely scrawled notes Henry Darger style that they find in your garage after you die. Can't it be both? When something momentous

happens to you, our listener, we ask you to call us for our segment momentous occasions some momentous things have happened to our listeners lately here's the first one hello jordan jesse and remotely connected guest who may or may not be a construction of of The Matrix. My momentous occasion is that I was recently furloughed. And so I am driving all the way across the country to stay with my 89-year-old grandmother, who lives alone. I've been driving nonstop for 21 hours, except for brief breaks to gas up and pee in the middle of the woods in order to prevent coronavirus transmission. And as I drive through the wee hours of the morning, I've been listening to Jordan Jesse Go, which is the perfect mix of energetic nonsense to keep me awake alert and focused on the road uh love you guys stay safe uh love you too but i do have some bad news oh my god

stay out of the woods stay out of the woods haven't you ever read grim's fairy tales bad things happen in the woods don't be there oh jesus christ these people uh going into the woods the first 14 hours of this trip she was listening to jordan jesse go uh but then it switched to 99, the narrative podcast about design. And it just has become Jordan Jesse Goh to her fever-crazed mind. Right. On her 17th Jolt Cola, she just started hearing Roman Mars talking about, I guess, Walton Goggin' signature vodka. Now... They still make Jolt Cola?

No. Do they not? That's another thing that happened after Hour 14. She started re-manufacturing Jolt Cola? No, she's drinking her own urine. Oh, sure, yeah. That way she doesn't even have to go into the woods, which is better.

The madness has her pumped. I'd like to just briefly I know I wasn't being attacked earlier. So this is not a defense, but I sincerely didn't know if you were making the joke that there that Pomone Corps was a group called the Pomones that you were coming up with that I didn't realize that in wondering I was in fact the one who was doing it. Like I wasn't trying to, it wasn't active. It wasn't as if I was like, Oh,

she talked about peeing into the wee hours of the morning. Like that would have been something that I did on purpose if I were going to, but I wouldn't do that to you. So I just wanted to let you know that all of this would be, every possible joke I make will be couched in deniability. Mike, please save it for your 5,000 page diary. Oh, that's just, I'm just reading out of it now. I want to take another momentous occasion call. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. Hey, Brian. Hey, I'm going to guess Danny Aiello. Close. This is Tyler calling from New Hampshire with an update, a quarantine update. We were sitting at the dinner table, looking outside, and our neighbor was walking his dog. And we look at our neighbor, and he's like, that's weird. Is there a cat on his shoulder?

We're like, okay, our neighbor's taking a walk with the dog with the cat on the shoulder, too. That's not weird. And then we realize it's our cat on his shoulder. So this neighbor is just walking around, letting cats on the shoulder perch, and our cat got off. But that was a certainly momentous occasion. Thought of you guys.

Roll them. I love you. See you later. This guy, hold on. This guy, hold on. This guy, this guy loved describing that. I could hear, I could hear the joy in his voice, the titillation.

This guy's a fucking nasty cat cuck huh this guy loves seeing his cat with another man perching on the shoulder and getting a little scratch under the chin you nasty cat cuck Probably got a big shoulder, too. Oh, yeah. Huge shoulder. Far bigger than the man's shoulder. Meow. Your shoulder's too small to make me happy. Meow. Now, here's the thing. When you started saying about the joy that you heard in his voice, I mean, I'm both glad and sorry that I didn't have the opportunity to jump in

and say like, and I felt that joy. I felt exactly what that man felt. And then you're like, and he was a cat cuck. I'm like, not exactly what he felt, but I did feel the joy. But I'm like, was the joy there the whole time even before he knew it was his own cat? Like if you look at across a crowded bar

and you see what you don't know is a mirror, but you catch a glimpse of your own part of your own reflection, you're like, that person looks pretty. That's me. Like he's looking at this cat. He's like, is that a cat? That is my cat. That is a, I mean, what a fantastic, it's almost like a ghost story.

Like, wait, like, like if he was sitting on the porch with his cat he thought and he's like look at that guy with a cat wait a minute if he's over there then who am i talking to the caller was dead the whole time mike it's okay you don't have to be a cat cuck to think this is a fun story if you can have a pleasure you can get pleasure from it that's adjacent, you know, that's related. You're a gerbil cuck. And we know that. cat restaurant kind of where a cat visits us sometimes every day and we feed her and she hangs out and then she goes away. And so I'm, uh, I guess we know that she does, she has a bell, she has a collar. So she has quote unquote owners somewhere out there. And, uh, I don't know how I'd feel if I saw what is as close to our cat with her other, uh, polyamorous family, her primary family. What do you feed the cat?

Do you have cat food around the house now, or are you giving her scraps? A little piece of salami, maybe? We did start purchasing cat food when she started visiting and seeming like she wanted it. That's nice of you. That's very, very sweet. Oh, yeah. It was months ago. Ha ha ha, that's nice of you.

That's very, very sweet. Oh yeah, it was months ago. It was pre-quarantine initially, and then we went on a trip for a week right before sheltering in place, and then there were six weeks where she was gone. And then for the past week, she's been back every day. Have you guys named her? We call her Lady, which is short for Lady of Inverness.

That's what my girlfriend uh likes to call her and so i also do great i like my girlfriend uh you guys want to know where i'm at sort of in terms of uh emotions and mental health right now yes i'm trying to grow a new lettuce out of the stump of an old lettuce. That sounds like a fun activity. You cut off... Our friend Cristela Alonso posted a picture of her lettuce on Twitter, which is not a euphemism for anything. It's just a literal thing that happened.

And I got excited and I was just about to eat a lettuce. I mean, not straight. I made it into a salad. And if you cut a romaine lettuce like off like an inch at the base and then just put it in some water in a bowl, a new lettuce grows out of the butt of the old lettuce. I am posting pictures of my lettuce, but it's only on my OnlyFans. Ooh, you nasty, Jordan. That's right. I'm nasty.

Sure. I'm a nasty lettuce exhibitionist. I want everybody to see it. Yeah. Happy birthday, Jordan, by the way. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Mike, did you get me anything?

I got you this. Happy birthday. Whoa. Yeah. Mike, did you get me anything? I got you this. Happy birthday. Whoa. Yes. I'm sorry I didn't know it was your birthday. No, that's okay. And yeah. Do you want to, what do you want?

Do you want a poem? No, you know, I think I'm good because my dentist got in touch three different ways to wish me happy birthday. Dr. George Lim not only emailed emailed but he also texted and then called and left a message wishing me happy birthday he really wants you to come back to the dentist dude's thirsty man you know my my girlfriend had a call with hi it's me dr limb uh i just wanted to wish you a happy birthday jordan and remind you that there are still dentists right yeah your dental health should still be a priority my my girlfriend uh

got a call from her doctor's office and she has an appointment like in a month and they were like in advance do you want to come for a teleconference before that? And she was like, what would be, do I need to, what would be the reason? Wouldn't it be just better to come when I can't? And they're like, you know, just to like, you know, the doctors called her on the phone. Sometimes she's like, yeah, the doctor calls me sometimes. Uh, does that what he wants to do? No, like, like a tele, like a video conference would be good. And eventually in the conference, and they were like, you know, because we can charge that to the insurance. So a lot of people aren't coming to the doctor these days. Just, you know, if you want to see the doctor on TV, that would be really helpful to the doctor, I guess.

I thought you were just going to say that she asked why. And they said, oh, daddy lonely. You know how it is. Daddy lonely. Sure. I like that guess. Yeah, it's not a bad guess. I'm a pretty good guesser. I mean, in one way, I'd say it's the best guess. In the other way, where you're not very close to the answer, it's technically, you know, they say like, be good or be good at it. You are not good at it, but you're good. Yeah. But Daddy Lonely. Seems like you need a dentist That calls incessantly

Have you thought about If you're lonely Visiting Dr. George Lim Because he will Not hesitate to reach out We also were at the point In our mental health Here at my house

Where we're giving children mohawks Oh My wife conducted like what i can only describe as a five-day psyops campaign on my six-year-old to convince him that he wanted to have a mohawk uh did like did he know what a mohawk was before absolutely not you were like so you can have hair here and not hair here and he was like why and you're like i'm glad you asked son you love the music of the exploited right you know the pomones right

pomones had the classic beatles cut i i don't know what they look like. I just know that they're punk associated and so are Mohawks. What's your opinion, son, on Thousand Oakscore? Right. It involved, there was a point where she had to disabuse him of the notion

that he was not a rock star and thus could not have one. I think she must have said- The kids wanted the Mohawks. No, they didn't. No one wanted a Mohawk. My wife tricked my son into wanting a Mohawk because she wanted to give him a Mohawk. By telling him that he's, oh, no, he was making excuses like but i'm not a i'm not a rock star and she's like oh you don't have to be a rock star he's like oh then i guess i have to have a mohawk

because that was my only argument it goes deeper like i think she told him that cool cool people like rock stars have them and he said i'm not cool i'm not a rock star. Good, he's not a poser. Yeah, he didn't feel like he deserved a mohawk. Once she explained how good it was. Yeah, he knows he's not out there living the life. And then my daughter was shaved off the side of her head.

You know that haircut that some people have now where just the side of the head is shaved, but the rest of the hair is there? The Cameron Esposito? Yeah, our friend Emily Gordon has that haircut, I think, or at least she used to. A recent Jordan Jesse Go guest. And then my three-year-old has sort of long, beautiful hair that he loves because he loves to pretend

to be the characters from Frozen. And they have long, long, beautiful hair. But as soon as he heard that shaving off your hair was an option, he asked for that. And I overheard my wife saying to him, well, what about when you want to have Elsa's hair? And he said, we put it back. Oh, he can't argue with that logic.

He doesn't understand. He doesn't know how hair works. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Strange planets, curious technology, and a fantastic vision of the distant future. Featuring Martin Starr. So we're going on day 14.

Shuttle still hasn't come. Aparna Nancherla. The security system provides you with emotional security. You do the rest. Echo Kellum. Can you disconnect me or not? Hurry Kondabolu. I'm staying.

From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Jeffrey McGivern. Could you play Cindy Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun? It's The Outer Reach. Stories from beyond. Now available for free at MaximumFun.org or anywhere you listen. Welcome back to Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And I'm Mike. My new nickname is Gessie, but that should really be Jesse's nickname, Kaplan. Thanks, Mike, for punching up my nickname. Sure, Gessie, Jesse. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Jordan, Jesse, Gessie. I like it. Well uh well mike it's

been a joy to have you on jordan jesse go uh your new album is called aka it is i can only imagine a nightmarish barrage of wordplay uh not unlike the world inside your mind you know here's the thing i appreciate you having me i appreciate you're saying that uh what i do for the stand-up comedy is decide what to say in advance so i do i have my uh i do have an 800 page all jokes document not unlike the 5 000 maybe by the end of my life it will be a 5 000 page journal that they'll find uh in the cloud not in the garage. But I do say things that me, this is actually the first album that I think 100% the things that I say are, they're jokes that I like about things that I care about. So not only will there be the kind of nonsense

that I've spewed this past hour, there will also be sense. Oh, that's fantastic. And Mike really is a great and hilarious comic. I'm goofing here, but absolutely his record is worth your time. Yeah, the bits that I listened to, definitely they had a lot of heart. It was definitely, yeah,

I could really tell that the stuff you were saying was stuff that was important to you. And I really appreciated that. I think that was like a great quality that it had. These are very nice, sincere things that you're saying that now I feel bad for taking the edge out of your wonderful sort of, you know, trademark snark, your trade snark. Look at that. Now let's get it back. And I really appreciate your having me.

You're a pleasure. Thanks for everyone listening. Whoever guessed Danny Aiello, I yellow at you that you're right. The album feels really good to listen to and it also feels good to stop when you're done. It's just, would you say it's

just right in terms of amount? i am the goldilocks of comedy to some is too hot some is too cold but i am a little girl burglar who breaks into a bear's house so check out mike's new album and after it's over pick up It Up, the best of the violent fems at the warehouse. And remember, kids, stay out of the forest. Don't do what Goldilocks did. Don't go into the woods. Don't go. Mike Kaplan is on Twitter,

Mike is spelled M-Y-Q M-Y-Q He's also on Instagram at M-Y Myq Kaplan. And, you know, if you're lucky, you might make his top five on Friendster. Wait, top six? On MySpace.

I don't remember. I think it started small, and then they got to eight or ten. And then it was, you know, just the top. Please, please stay on MySpace. I'm in your sprint circle. I'm your dentist and please friend me on MySpace. God damn it, George Lim. I'll make an appointment when I'm good and ready.

Stop by, please. Daddy lonely. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez you can give us a call 206-984-4FUN or just send us

a voice memo JJ Go at MaximumFun.org MaximumFun.org why that's our website you can find our show there

our theme music is Love You by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design and our friends at Light in the Attic Records what better time to

buy the best of the free design it will lighten your the load on your heart it is just a joyful beautiful record a really wonderful uh really wonderful piece of work um happy birthday jordan uh and i think that's it oh Oh, you can follow us on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris, and like us on Facebook, and I hope that you will. And you know what, Jordan? What? I'm just going to straight up ask people a favor.

If you're out there and you like Jordan, Jesse, go, which you probably do because you're still listening and we're late in the credits at this point. I'm going to ask you to share Jordan, Jesse go and say something about why you like it on social media. Hashtag it JJ go this week is share Jordan, Jesse go week. I think Jordan, Jesse go is a good empty podcast of nonsense for these times. is a good empty podcast of nonsense for these times uh and if you have found it valuable uh over many years or over many days uh i would ask you to share it with the hashtag jj go on twitter on facebook take a picture of yourself enjoying it and post it on instagram uh share the show uh put it on your put it on your tumblr it's probably a

porno tumblr it's 2020 you know it's pretty much all that's left probably all that's on there these days you know what nothing wrong with that no it's a nice place for pornos pornos of various specific pornos at lynn's lewds on twitter the person who follows me one of my most loyal followers whose twitter account is uh pornographic cartoon original pornographic cartoon pictures why not make one about how great jordan jesse go is sure yeah we're always looking to reach new audiences doesn't have to be us it could be the prank bear boning down on the penguin in the pants. The prank bear's got a penguin in his pants. How about that?

It writes itself. There's a thing that happened on Jordan Jessico 12 years ago. It's an erotic scenario that writes itself. We love you all very much. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan Jessico. Bye-bye. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.