Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 64: In Front of the Mayor

Episode Date: June 9, 2008

Jordan and Jesse discuss everything from gay porn in playboys to pants falling down to other stuff that I can't remember.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dumm, fidd faith, pH balancing acts, and quote,

definitely one of the most worst totally getting busted moments that I can think of, unquote. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective Did you see how excited I was about the starting of the show? I thought you were... Oh, okay You thought I was passing a stone? Yeah, I mean

I was thinking jerking off, but... Oh I wasn't ready to go blue that early on in the show Yeah, well We've already started down that road. Yeah, well, what can I say? Let's talk about our anus. Our collective anus. Anyway, I was finger banging an anus.

You know, on a milf. Jesus Christ. Yeah. We got to get out of los angeles jordan this place is destroying our minds yeah all we can think about is hot milfs that's not fair to los angeles jordan you're right sometimes i think about hot cougars mm-hmm yeah you know cougars, do you know what a cougar is? Rawr! You have a sound effect button or that. Rawr!

Rawr! Anyway, I can't wait to see the Love Guru. Yeah, it's going to be really good. In summary, lickety split. Can I ask you a quick question about the Love Guru? Sure. I didn't mean to bring up the Love Guru.

No, no, no, that's fine. Is it okay if we talk about the Love Guru for i have some thoughts on the love guru okay here's some questions about the love guru that i just like to broach here sure why did he decide to put the midget in the love guru to me to me that is is the main thing that's wrong with the love guru that's the reason that i'm up you know as opposed to just not interested in it or not going to see it that's the reason that i am angry at the love guru for some reason that gesture of putting mini me in this non-austin powers movie is so outrageous and stupid and pandering to me that i get upset at the billboards and commercials.

Who is he even pandering to? Who are the people who are like, that's it, I'm kind of excited about the new Mike Myers movie, but I haven't heard yet whether the arrogant midget is involved. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's just dudes, you know? Just dudes with no movie taste in particular, you know? I have nothing against a little person

working in film. Sure. But it is clear to me, going in, that Mike Myers did not write a sympathetic role for Mini-Me. No, I think mainly in the commercials, what I'm seeing is happening to him is he's just kind of getting knocked around and then grimacing. Yeah, boy. You know, and I saw him, I watched the MTV Movie Awards. Yeah, I'm familiar with these awards.

Now, this is an award given out every year to uh to the people who have garnered the most votes at blockbuster video locations sure at the at the mtv video awards kiosk all you have to do right underneath the mountain dew party kiosk uh dick dick clark personally right kiosk dick clark personally selects each winner then publishes the winners on mycocerewards.com that's yeah there you go that's basically the process i mean there's a briefcase involved and and at some point ben stiller parodies it so that's i think that's a good summary did you hear that you know they do these movie parodies at the mdv movie awards i don't mean to derail this whole conversation but they do these movie parodies at the MTV Movie Awards? I don't mean to derail this whole conversation, but they do these movie parodies.

This year, they had the movie people make the parodies themselves rather than making them as a separate entity. So they've replaced their comedy thing with just, hey, here's a commercial for a movie that someone paid to make. Yeah. Yes, I think there were some some gum related ones as well oh good um and the thing i hope it was orbits because i do like orbit it was orbits as a matter of fact it was always the one i i it's the gum with the the british woman who is that orbits i think it's orbits anyways um but but something yes is it double mint big red i think it's double big it was big league chew oh what an idiot i am it was chew blc right gotcha um you were gonna say about the mtv awards

yeah i think that the one thing that can just disappear from jokedom right in those situations and something that mike i mean something that everyone did i mean it was a it was a running can just disappear from jokedom in those situations. And something that Mike, I mean, something that everyone did. I mean, it was a running theme throughout the two-hour proceedings, but something that Mike Myers really made the feather in his cap was the self-conscious plug that's still a plug. And now for the shameless plug the you know and now two presenters who can be seen in the love guru june 20th sorry plug you know i that really i mean at this point that's that's just do it you know just say when the movie's coming out like we don't need that

little wink i did i thought it was kind of funny that time when Macy Gray wore that dress that said, buy my album June 16th or whatever. No, that's innovation in a self-conscious plug. I feel like at that point that has hit its apex, there's nowhere to go. You just have to drop that. Think of it this way, Mike. You're building the greater Mike Myers brand. Sure. of it this way mike you're building the greater mike myers brand sure okay which do you think is

going to disappoint uh 12 year old jesse and jordan more okay the love guru starring mike myers or the new dana carvey comedy special oh boy i um geez tough call right yeah i don't well i don't plan to experience either right because at some point at some point i would like to watch wayne's world with my children yeah and have good feelings and just not just cry yeah so i don't i don't think i'm gonna seek out either of them right um oh you know and and i uh uh i've been watching the episodes of the dana carvey show those are readily available on hulu now hulu hulu now this is a video kiosk inside your local blockbuster video store right uh right under the goober's party blimp it's actually the same kiosk you would use to apply for a job sure

right um and something that i i found watching those is that they're kind of like the Chappelle show where Dana Carvey will come out and kind of introduce the show. And the sketches on it are all great, but Dana Carvey fucking sucks. Like, Dana Carvey is just like, at the height of Jim Carrey's annoyingness, that's what Dana Carvey is acting like in those. That's true. Really? He was funny, right? He had a time. Here's the thing. I think, you know, I saw at the SF Sketch Fest a couple years ago,

there was a tribute to Dana Carvey, which was Dana Carvey being interviewed, but really it was only him being interviewed because he didn't really have an act at the time. So it was kind of leading into his kind of half-formed act the interview questions it was clearly kind of he and the interviewer had sort of planned out a way to sort of right lead him a little bit into some material so the audience could laugh and the audience really enjoyed it and to tell you the truth i really enjoyed it but what it really called into clear relief was just he's just so he's such a panderer sure that it can go from

great to just the saddest most pathetic thing in the world like that yeah you know what i mean like it's just it's on the razor's edge at any given time where is, you know, the first time you see the church lady, it's great. It's really amazing and hilarious. And then you see it and you're just like, oh, geez, no, no. There was a Wayne's World thing on the MTV Movie Awards as well. No, there wasn't. Yeah, it was disgusting.

They did Wayne's World? Yeah disgusting they did wayne's world yeah they did wayne's world and it was but just but sans jokes just reciting wayne's world catchphrase um like they were like gosh like if we present any more awards that's awards i think i'm gonna hurl and wayne's like if you hurl i'm gonna blow chunks and then like everybody just went nuts like the joke of wayne's world is just gone now it's just like the joke of bad public access tv show right it's just like been eradicated completely yeah that's too bad it's just stuff happening that's really unfortunate i think when it comes down to it with dana carvey you want to see phil hartman there to kind of right level it out man i don't is that do you

do you think they feel bad about that do you think when the old comedians break out the old characters about phil hartman getting murdered by his wife at this point they probably don't think about it that that much but when they do think about it they feel bad they probably feel bad um do you like do you think that although i should clarify, Victoria Jackson doesn't feel bad. She always hated that guy. Right.

Do you think that when Dana Carvey does The Church Lady and when Dan Aykroyd hosts a radio show in character, in his Blues Brothers character, do you think they feel like, well, whatever, but it's making people happy and clearly I'm getting the most applause from this. I don't know. Is it a necessary evil

or do you think they just love it? I think Dan Aykroyd is, first of all, a great comedy genius. Sure. And I think he's just not self-aware. Yeah. Maybe that's it. I mean, maybe, yeah. great comedy genius sure and i think he's just not self-aware yeah i don't think i mean maybe yeah i mean and i think he just passed the point of i think at some point you know when he was on the set of the britney spears movie sure uh playing britney spears father he was just like you know what i'm just gonna do whatever yeah you know do some stuff i'm just gonna do

some shit you know yeah i mean and and you know i'm sure that that i think the same thing probably happened to dana carvey to dana carvey when his like heart was miss miss surgery to pawn right and then he had to spend like three years recovering from heart surgery i think he was just like you know what if they want to hear chopping broccoli, I'm giving them chopping broccoli. Okay, so in answer to your question earlier, I think that the Dana Carvey special will be more disappointing because there has been kind of a... Because you know why?

Because that Justin Timberlake is funny. If you've seen him on Saturday Night Live, he's a funny guy. Dick in a box, people. That was his idea. He is so talented. Right. If you've seen him on Saturday Night Live, he's a funny guy. Dick in a box, people. That was his idea. He is so talented. Yeah. He is so talented. He can do anything.

He can sing. He can dance. He can fuck celebrities. Sure. Rap. Yeah. He's amazing. He's amazing.

Have you seen him beatbox? Because Timbaland taught him to beatbox. Ha, ha, ha. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Yep. Timbaland taught him to beatbox. And scene. Wait, wait. I want to make a point that I think that...

Jordan, stop trying to make a point. That's not what this show is about. It's about noises. Okay, go ahead. Contempt for celebrities. Yeah. Just contempt across the board. That there's been a, you know, there's been a kind of a drought of Dana Carvey related material.

You get the occasional award show in character performance. Right. You get the occasional Master of Disguise Turtle Edition DVD. Turtle, turtle. Sure, sure. We all remember it. Mm-hmm. But Mike Myers has been acting like a

jackass for a while. But you know what, though? Can I tell you something cool about Mike Myers? Sure. Like, do you remember when Mike Myers disappeared for, like, five years? Yeah. Between So I Married an Axe Murderer and what else? Yeah, I learned that in Austin Powers, which was

very funny and was not annoying. Yeah, that first Austin Powers was very funny and was not annoying at the time. It's something. I went to see that and nobody had gone to see it, I remember. It was weird and it grew, became a cult phenomenon on video because of its merit. Sure. It's goodness. It's a funny movie. But I like the fact that what happened is his father died.

He got very depressed. He was very happened is his father died he got very depressed he was very close to his father got very depressed and uh he just took hockey lessons for like three years isn't that amazing no that's cool i mean he's absolutely a like a cool it's sort of like how when gina davis when gina davis was almost on the olympic archery team she basically earned my never-ending approval. Yeah. Like, I just think it's really funny if somebody decides to do some weird thing with their celebrity.

Do you think it's cool how Malcolm in the Middle is quitting show business to race cars? No, because that's kind of a dick move. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's just a thing a rich guy can do. Yeah, I mean... I'm sure there's some skill in race car driving. No, I think there's a's some skill in race car driving no there's i think

there's a lot of skill in race car driving but uh you know i think it's just not it's not neat enough i mean that's something that you can do if you're steve mcqueen i think that's the end of the day at the end of the day if you're steve mcqueen that's fine if george clooney today told me he was gonna go move to monaco and right take up a new career as an f1 driver thin mustache then that's fine but if you're frankie munitz okay you know i mean it's fine he can do it right you know yeah it's not like we're not like no don't leave show business malcolm in the middle i. I know. You have so much more whatever to give. I imagine it's tough for him because he's always getting calls from agents, casting directors in the porn industry.

Sure. And it's hard to beat him off, so to speak. Yeah. I'm bringing it back around to that. You thought we were going to go clean with the rest of the show after we started with that. Yeah, we thought we were just going to dish celebrity with the rest of the show after we started with that. Yeah, we thought we were just going to dish celebrity dirt the whole time. Absolutely not.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm trying on Personae. Mm-hmm. You see what I'm saying? Okay.

Like, try this. Listen to this one. Right. This is Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Oh, French-Japanese. Yes, exactly. That's good. I like that. Exactly, exactly. That's good. I like that.

Exactly. Exactly. You got it. You know. And, of course, all the associations that go along with that. Sure. Wine. Godzilla.

Cheese. Tsunami. Mm-hmm. You see what I'm saying? And finally, Mothra. You got it. So I just, before we get into the next topic, I just want to say that... Just before we get into the next topic, you had something you wanted to say.

Go ahead. Jesse, you had your pledge drive. I had my pledge drive. Would you say it went great? I was so grateful to the literally hundreds of people. I didn't know how many people were going to donate. I thought maybe 100. We ended up with about 400.

I didn't know how many people were going to donate. I thought maybe 100. We ended up with about 400. And it means that I don't have to be a success in any other field in order to make more money than I made as a receptionist. Start resting on those laurels. Yeah, exactly. Well, I started my pledge drive where I encourage listeners to mail me checks for $9. And it's kicked off.

Oh, my goodness. Mr... Wait a minute. What's that? Some kind of rubber band? Mr. Ken Roberts. Now give out his home address. Who's a Sierra Club member. Oh, that's good of him.

Mailed me a check. Wait, are you sure he's a member, or do you think he just got Sierra Club checks? Oh, I don't know. Because I'm not a member of Garfield and Friends. you just got Sierra Club checks. Oh, I don't know. Because I'm not a member of Garfield and Friends. I thought you were a member of the Nermal Society. I am a minor character

on U.S. Acres. Well, anyways, Ken Roberts, who is aware of the Sierra Club in some way, whether it be from being a member or being... Attacked by a bear. Sent me a lovely check for $9, and he has cemented himself a spot in our Platinum Angels Club.

So, Mr. Ken Roberts of Houston, Texas. When you say our Platinum Angels Club... My Platinum Angels Club. You're talking specifically about you. Well, this is the jordan morris organization and this is and this is outside of any money that might go to support you know any maximum fund.org or me or you know the equipment we use or the editing or the call screening or anything like that yeah this is just this is just jordan support me and my endeavors and my likes gotcha so mr ken roberts of houston texas thank you very much for your donation and uh and the the phones

are still open so to speak so keep those nine dollar checks coming where should people send nine dollar checks i don't want to give out the address again it's in one of the old podcasts okay if you're a big enough fan to donate yeah if you if that's you know i don't just want any fair weather johnny you know absolutely not you're not looking for a fair weather sally either it's not about gender no you would even take a you you're not even looking for a fair weather duquan sure it's an afric Mm-hmm. It's not about race. Fair-weather dogs? Don't eat them. No, absolutely not. Not about species. No.

You know, fair-weather clock. It's not about whether it's sentient or not, Jordan. I don't want any fair-weather concepts like fair play. Yeah. Any fair-weather abstractions. You're not looking for any fair weather miasmic forces like say sewer gas you know that may have killed president mckinley i know i know about that wait i don't think it was mckinley that got killed by sewer gas who was it it was the one that got sick that sewer president yeah can you want to open that the one that got sick. It was that sewer president. Yeah. You want to open

that present that you got in the mail? It's right there on top of those pile of books. Now, Carol, longtime super fan Carol, was kind enough to send us presents, and I had not even opened the boxes because I just assumed that it was more party stuff

because there was a lot of party stuff in there, and I just hadn't been able to deal with all the party stuff. We hadn't figured it out yet when we got a big box of party stuff. But then Carol was kind enough to send, I noticed when I actually opened everything, some actual very thoughtful gifts. She sent me some close shavers squadron for my face for shaving because we were just talking about shaving the other day. Close shavers squadron. What's that? It's a great squadron.

face for shaving, because we were just talking about shaving the other day. Close shaver squadron. It's a great squadron. Well, it's like the, you know, are you familiar with the Red Baron from like from the Snoopy cartoons, Peanuts? Sure. Well, he's in a squadron, so this is a similar kind of squadron, but it's for close shaving.

I got some Tums. You got some Tums, which you love, and I assume you probably talked about on the show. Perhaps. I mean, although I'll take a Rite Aid brand antacid tablet. Yeah, it doesn't require. I'm not picky. That's from Ape Lad. Oh, Ape Lad.

Oh, it's a copy of his book of comics, The Laugh Out Loud Cats. It's kind of a... Old-timey comic strip. Yes. Created by our friend Ape Lad. I would try and explain The Laugh Out Loud Cats, but it's a very complicated joke yeah it's but but but um just but needless to say it's very

funny a solid 15 of our listeners are rolling right now right absolutely but yes i enjoy the laugh out loud cats and the art's beautiful thank you thank you a blad okay so open this present from carol here okay it's like your birthday all over again. Yeah, it's like birthday two. Only it's a month later because I'm an idiot. What'd you get? Oh, okay. Grab and Go Portables. This is some...

Oh, it says Anthony Brand Logistics for Men. This is some nice travel toiletries. Oh, it's some dude stuff. Yeah, this is some dude stuff. So we got some facial scrub, some aftershave. Thank you, Carol. This is very considered.

I actually do do a lot of traveling and have a lot planned for the coming months. Jordan, can you check something on those? I'm a little worried before you use them. Are they completely pH balanced? I'll have to throw them in the pool to find out probably the only way to do it you know at the ph balancing facilities most of the ph balancing in the united states goes on at one huge facility in michigan uh they have actually a the a pool

the size of a Olympic-sized pools. Every time, every bar of deodorant, they toss it in there, make sure it's balanced. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? Yes. That's what this is all about, Jordan, making sure stuff is balanced. Well, thank you very much, listeners. I appreciate it. Today, I drove around a lot in Los Angeles, and I was doing some estate sailing, some garage sailing. Sure.

You know what I like to do, Jordan. Some parasailing. I did some parasailing and some sailboarding. Some wakeboarding. Did some kiteboarding. Sure. I flew a kite. I caught a kite, the bird.

Sure. That's a kind of bird. Anyway, maybe it's a fish. And you went to Red Robin. Then I went to Red Robin for a burger. For a bird-themed restaurant. Yeah, well, I had a burger. I didn't eat a bird.

I ate a burger. And you came here. Right, and I was fully satiated. Sure. So that was good. I went to Altadena, California. Okay. Lovely part of California.

It's like Pasadena, but it's a little more alta. Sure. A part of California. It's like Pasadena with a little more Alta. Sure. A nice joint there. And I just was looking around these Los Angeles people and I realized that just my life is full of frustration. They were in Altadena. They were in Altadena. Yeah. But there's still all of this. This whole area is called Los Angeles to me. Okay. Fair enough. You know what? Teresa's boss works downtown. Teresa worked in downtown this summer at the public defender's office here in Los Angeles. Downtown Los Angeles, I would estimate two miles from Koreatown. Koreatown, physically perhaps the largest neighborhood in Los Angeles. Physically huge neighborhood. Population dense. Several blocks. sure uh population dense several blocks lots of exciting stuff going on here teresa's boss

lives 60 miles east of los angeles yes drives to work every day at 5 a.m to beat the traffic then leaves it to had never heard of koreatown really drove teresa here to drop her off after they all went to lunch. She said to Teresa, and this is a direct quote, I'm not fucking around here, she said, so why do you live here? Isn't that sweet? Yeah, that's cute. Isn't that a sweet thing to say? That's a nice thing to say.

That's a nice thing to say. Has anything upset you lately? I guess that's what I'm saying. I just kind of want to commiserate right now. No nice thing to say. Has anything upset you lately? I guess that's what I'm saying. I just kind of want to commiserate right now. No, sure, sure. I've had some similar frustration lately, and I'm going to complain about

this, and I realize that these are... Jordan? What? Why do you live here? Oh, I don't live here. I live in West Hollywood. Oh, right. That's because you're gay. Yeah, exactly. Wait, can I say something about gays this is something i was thinking about at the dog park i feel like los angeles needs some more uh nice lesbians yeah i think it's got plenty maybe they're just not in koreatown you know those kind

of nice lesbians that like to go to the dog park and hug yeah and give you a hug i feel like they're real down to earth the most maybe they're arts, or maybe they're into softball or something. I feel like the most consistent source of hugs that I have here in Los Angeles is lesbians. Yeah. No, a lesbian is great for a hug. Sure. Because they're, you know, they're ready to meet you on your own terms. Warm.

You know what I mean? Very warm. You know what I'm saying? They're ready to meet you on your own terms. So yeah, I feel like if I go to, like a... Like if I ever feel the need for some hugging i just go to like a like a primarily lesbian function boom yeah totally i don't know i don't know what you know hey jordan great to see you hug yeah i might i might be painting have you met my nice dog painting with broad strokes here but uh i'm gonna go out on a limb i feel feel, I never thought I would say this, but I'd like to spend some more time with some Subaru drivers.

You know what I mean? Just some real nice lesbians. Salt of the earth. Yeah, just some, not going to, they're involved in the community. Sure. They like to talk to the old lady that lives around the corner. You know what I'm saying? They organize the box sale.

Yes. These are the kind of lesbians I'm looking for here, Jordan. Oh, I mean, but back to the hugs. These are the kind of lesbians I'm looking for here, Jordan. Oh, but back to the hugs. These are like hearty hugs, too. These aren't like sideways back pat situations. It's an embrace. Yeah, it's a good, solid hug. Sure.

Yeah, absolutely. Anyway. Okay, so these are some delicate topics. Yeah. There's maybe territory that we haven't gotten into so much on the show. Okay. And please, if I'm getting any of this wrong, you know, feel free to call or email. I'm willing to open up a dialogue about this.

This is a dialogue. This is not a monologue here. No, absolutely not. This is why we accept calls. It's why there's a message board. Anyway, so there is some... This is why we sometimes say racist and homophobic things. We're just trying to open up a dialogue.

Right. And to stop people from wanting to have a dialogue with us. Yeah, exactly. Because we're jerks. Now, there's somebody who... We're just trying to get the people of color to move out of our town. Sure. You know what I mean?

They can have the next town over. Mm-hmm. Anyway, go ahead. Where the Kmart is. Yeah. So there's somebody who I've... They can have Ross. We'll take Marshalls.

There you go. Go ahead. TJ Maxx every other week. Yeah. Got a time-sharing arrangement. Yeah, with the TJ Maxx. We went to an arbitrator. That was actually a really good call. When we went to the mediator at the courthouse me you and the mexicans yeah

exactly go ahead um so there's somebody i've had to spend some time with and this person has a kind of a baffling set of opinions that that i'm not sure if i'm getting too mad about jesse let me know if you think i'm being unreasonable jordan look at me here yes do you know any person in the world more willing to get upset about someone having the wrong opinion no okay so i'm here for you defining characteristic do you know somebody who was ready to start a fight over like some racism something in an RA meeting at UC Santa Cruz? Do I know someone who's made a girl cry based on saying things about Radiohead? Yeah. We did make that girl cry that one time. That's terrible. We made that girl cry. Yeah, it was mostly me yeah okay i mean i laughed but you were in on

it you didn't stop it that's true absolutely you know and i stand i stood idly by and watched yeah i'm just as i'm just as guilty um anyway so um she really loved radiohead how was i supposed to know that just because she said it she could have been lying that radiohead t-shirt yeah go ahead um so this person uh is a very nice person and you know has a good heart mostly maybe anyways we're talking about the president yeah george bush go ahead seems great okay so she is prone to complaining about how much she hates religion and religious people. Talks about how dumb her Catholic dad is. Okay. You know, anytime it's mentioned that a celebrity or someone around is religious, she'll let out a big groan and like, you know, go on and on.

How dumb, you know, superstitious modern times. It has that real irrational – I feel just this real knee-jerk reaction to hearing about – just hearing any religious topic brought up will just complain about it. And like I mean I understand that. Like I understand like if someone has aggressively religious parents and they'll you know and they lay a guilt trip on them and they don't feel like they're part of the family like that's you know i totally understand that but anyway so she she you know complains about religion every time it's brought up in a real you know kind of vitriolic way

but then maybe not in the same breath but very close to it we'll talk about the ghosts in her house and how she is psychic i'm wondering why she can't muster up more understanding for somebody who wants to believe in a force that wants to make them uh the best person they can be sure as opposed to just just calling their best friend and they both called, each called the other at the same time and got a busy signal. And it's exactly that. It's that kind of psychic.

And it's, yes. And is that unreasonable for me to think that that's totally out of bounds? And I realize that there's a difference between being mad at organized religion and then the idea of somebody believing in something like that. But you know what? Also, she says things about black holes sometimes. Anyways. But does she believe in black holes?

She maybe believes that we can time travel in them. Oh, does she? Yeah. She doesn't know that as you approach the event horizon of the black hole, you are turned into spaghetti. I learned that from the film version of a brief history of time there you go oh man well okay so the woman the woman here we're talking about yes she's pro ghost pro very there's ghosts in her house they speak specifically to her you know what i don't gestures i don't like people who are talking who talk shit about organized religion particularly either.

No, yeah. Speaking as I'm an avowed atheist, I'm completely godless. I want to make that clear while I'm here. You know what I'm saying? Sure. I don't believe in God, and sometimes I'm really sad that when I die, it's just going to be nothingness forever, okay? really sad that when I die, it's just going to be nothingness forever. Okay. But however,

even I, I'm like, if somebody wants to believe in God or whatever, that's fine. That's fine with me. Seems nice. Seems like a nice thing to believe in. Yeah. I don't, I mean, and I know, and I know that there's, you know, that there are obnoxious Christians and that, I mean, you know, definitely, you know. But not in Los Angeles. When was the last time here in Los Angeles? There was some sort of like religious based hate crime or something like that. You were oppressed somehow by religious people. There's plenty of churches in the neighborhood that like have the gay pride flag outside and like you know right like come on anyways it seems just like it seems just like

a such as and to me in this in the ghost stuff is just like selfish the ghost stuff to me seems to be like i have superpowers i believe in my own and the ghosts speak to me specifically and i have a psychic thing where i'm intuitive to you know when the tv turned on i don't know it seems like and really can you not muster up more understanding for people who anyways so now when you say that she believes in ghosts i mean we'll talk endlessly about the ghost experiences she's had. What kind of ghost are we talking about? Like a Casper-type ghost? I don't know, really. Is it like a Robert E. Lee?

My best guess is it's probably the ghost of Robert E. Lee. Yeah, I don't think they're Civil War ghosts. General Burnside? I think it's his grandparents. It's like grandparents and relatives. So, anyway. Oh, what about this, Jordan? I'm always weirded out when a really religious person starts talking about that shit.

Really? I'm not. To me, that seems like those things party really well. I'm like, don't you already have a doctrine? And your doctrine is really against this? Is it? I don't know. I don't think there's a lot of weird ghosts in the bible yeah you know what i'm saying there's a lot of weird shit goes down in the bible don't get me wrong weird ghosts there's a little porno

in the bible but there's a talking donkey okay yeah i guess if there's a talking donkey it's kind of like a ghost yeah and. And it can talk. Yeah. Ghosts can talk. Yeah. Anyway. Some ghosts. Some ghosts. Some are just spectral presences.

Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? Some just give you a cold feeling down your back. That's true. You see what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Jordan, I don't believe anything a scientist tells me. Hmm.

Because I might as well, you know, what what did a scientist what is a scientist told me should have vitamin c what even is vitamin c sure what does the c stand for i corporate greed you got it jordan i've seen ghosts with my own two eyes i've felt them in my heart and my loin right i know what a ghost is like you know what i'm saying exactly wait ghost ghost what do you think i was saying oh no i was thinking of baywatch the tv show baywatch oh yeah that's the one that i like so much that's the one that gives you the cold feeling down your spine yeah well and i feel it in my heart and my loin as well baboon i'll tell you that right now jordan hello very sexy doing a lot of snaps anyways i don't know tell me if i'm being

intolerant jordan what i just kind of feel like you're just not a very spiritual person and that's what it's about this is true you know what i mean like you're just not in touch with your more spiritual side i've learned a lot about different religions from around the world. Eastern. A lot of Eastern religions. Yeah. I mean, everything from yoga to Kabbalah. Sure.

And I just... Also, I went to a Pilates class once. So that was real. That's like Indian, I think. Jordan, you know these Pilates classes? Yeah. When I was living... I don't know much about Pilates classes.

Okay, well, when I was living in San Francisco, I was living in the Western Edition, and we lived right across the street from a big housing project and a little bit dicey neighborhood, but kind of weirdly on the corner of diciness, and then you could go a couple blocks away, and it was a rich, fancy neighborhood. Sure. And down on the corner of Diciness, and then you could go a couple blocks away, and it was a rich,

fancy neighborhood. Sure. And down on the corner, there was this building, and it had its name on it, but the name was something like, you know, the workhouse or something like that, something that didn't mean anything. And then it had those kind of whited out windows, you know, when they put like a frosting on the window so you can't see anything inside, but it's kind of white? It's not like they painted the window. It's something in the window. And you could – that went up to maybe six feet in the air. I'm six foot three inches. So I could kind of – if I kind of stood up to my full height, I could kind of see over the white frosting in the glass.

And there was – all I could see was these just like crazy metal equipments like it looked like a like a 19th century german gymnasium like with like weird big silver springs sure and just like poles hanging from the ceiling and shit i just assumed that this was an snmM dungeon. Right. Right? I mean, that's the only reasonable thing to assume, right? That you can kind of peek in. Yeah, exactly. You couldn't really look over.

You could only see the stuff that was up towards the, you know what I mean? So you couldn't see it. You could see some of the taller dominatrixes. Exactly. Well, dominatrices, yes. Sure. And it turns out it was a Pilates studio the whole time. Oh, wow.

Turns out you do Pilates studio in some kind of S&M dungeon. Oh, well, live and learn. Different strokes, right? Did you like that story? Not as much. Yeah, you hated that. Some of the other ones. I could tell you checked out like one sentence in.

Yeah, game over, man. As soon as I started talking about frosted glass, you were gone. Yeah. You know, like frosted. Sleep. Anyway, let's talk about Mario Kart or something. Let's get this back on track. Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah, okay. I don't really know what else to say about it. Yeah. Powerslide, I guess. Oh, I bought a new, I've got good news, Jordan. Okay. One of my video game controllers wasn't working, so I went to the video game store. Now, I had asked you.

GameStop? Yeah, exactly. That's so I went to the video game store. Sure. Now, I had asked you. GameStop? Yeah, exactly. That's what I went to, GameStop. Now, I had asked you how much does a video game stick cost, because I figured you're the man who knew. Sure. You said, I bet you could get one for $9.95. Right.

Yeah, I did, my friend. Wow. Not only did I get one for $9.95. PS2? PS2 controller. It's not just any PS2 controller, Jordan. This is a turbo button? It does not have a turbo button.

It's got something even better. This is a San Diego Chargers PS2 controller. Wow. Have you ever heard of the little group called the San Diego Superchargers, my friend? Of course. Are you at all familiar with their theme music? I kind of know that they have funny theme music. San Diego Superchargers. all familiar with their theme music i kind of know that they have funny theme music san diego

superchargers san diego superchargers charge okay well hey that's that's good that you anyway it's really important reminded of that song constantly do you think we can make the San Diego Superchargers song the new Oakland Raiders of Jordan Jesse Go? Really, whatever football mascot song is the official football mascot song of Jordan Jesse Go really doesn't affect me one way or the other. You're going to get a lot less emails about Big Dank is all I'm saying.

And a lot more. That's a shame. A lot more emails about Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh. San Diego Superchargers. San Diego Superchargers. I don't want to talk

about this anymore. Go to YouTube.com and type in San Diego Superchargers, and you're on board with this movement that I am building, Jordan. Hey, Jordan, let me ask you a quick question. Do whatever you want to at this point. Quick question, Jordan. How many people follow your twats on the internet? Oh, are we going to pony up the Twitter?

Roll it out. Roll it out. How many people follow your twats? I think last time, just up to speed, Jesse convinced me to join Twitter last week on the show. It's a Web 2.0 Mobisode. Sure. And we were going to have a contest. It's an iPhone app.

We were going to have a contest to see how many Twitter friends we could accumulate. Using the Edge network. Sure. And I think 246 is my final count. It looks like I have over 1,000. How many did you get since last week? Jordan, that's not what this is about. Don't try to Hillary Rodham Clinton this one out. We're not counting Michigan, if that's what you're asking we followed the same rules my rule was no matter which one is the one that makes me the winner we're using it okay that's the bottom line here jordan you're saying you're the winner i'm saying i'm the winner you're not gonna be 246 in one week it's pretty impressive jordan you can seat as many fraudulent delegates

as you want you can uh you know if you want to come in here and tell me that you're suspending your campaign rather than dropping it, that's fine. So you're saying you want my endorsement for president of Twitter? If you want to be the vice president of Twitter, I'll consider it, although I'm looking for someone with executive experience. You kind of want to split the ticket too. Exactly. I want to target certain regions. You want like a southerner. Someone from the Rust Belt, maybe. I'm actually thinking a little bit about the Democratic governor of Montana. He's got a quick wit. Quick wit's important on Twitter. That's what's led to the success of, say, a Hot Dogs Ladies.

Have you considered Joe Biden? I don't like that Joe Biden. He gives me the heebie-jeebies. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Plus, you never know when he might accidentally put in a racist Twitter. Oh. Wait, was that Chris Dodd?

I don't know. I don't think it was Joe Biden. Yeah, I think it was probably Chris Dodd. Might be Chris Dodd. I don't know. I don't think it was Joe Biden. Yeah, I think it was probably Chris Dodd. Might be Chris Dodd.

It said that Barack Obama was really clean. Oh, no, really? Yeah. Oof. He didn't say it in a mean way. He meant it as a compliment. And he's got a huge penis, I'm sure. Yeah, he does.

He's really good at track and field and he's always wearing a sombrero and napping under a cactus to quote barack obama feats don't fail me now oh jesus all the way to the white house what are we doing here that's hard to say we're gonna be the next chris dodd yeah we're gonna going to be Chris Biden all over again. You know, a real Joe Frazier, smoking Joe Frazier situation. Just a real FDR. Can I tell you one funny thing that happened to me today? Sure. I listened to Don King and Larry Holmes on Weekend Edition talking to Scott Simon.

Oh, yeah? How'd that go? You know how Scott Simon is really weird? But he's just so genial? Yes, sure. At the end of the interview, Don King said, Don King said, Thank you so much for having me on the show, Mr. Simon. Shalom.

Mazel tov. And then Scott Simon in his outro just goes, shalom. Awesome. He's trying. It was even funnier than when Susanan stamberg was interviewing that jazz singer about her song about losing her keys it's happened to all of us jordan right can i tell you a real quote uh a real quote from uh the comments page on the salt lake city public radio station that carries the sound of young america yes you may they posted a notice that uh our friends at fair game uh pri's uh daily

uh news and comedy show had gotten canceled a very unfortunate situation they posted this on their blog one of the comments was good riddance and then underneath it said i turn to npr to be informed not to be entertained oh wow oh yeah well you know what jordan i like information is not fun i like to think that here on jordan jesse go you're not being informed or entertained you come to us for annoyance exactly you ultimately what you're looking for is you're hoping that that 75 minute block of programming has at least one place where we lose our minds and just start making noises. We'll be back in just a second. No, that already happened on the show.

Yeah, exactly. I was going to start doing it, but then I remembered that we already did it once. Yeah, it already happened. We'll leave them wanting more. That's the first rule of comedy. Good. Well, then the 12 things that I've added on to the end of this segment are perfect. Those were encores, Jordan.

Right, exactly. You didn't hear the standing ovations in between. We'll be back in just a second. It would not go home. Jordan, we've got some great, great, great tales of shame coming. Good. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, and the Shia LaBeouf at... And the Kingdom of Shia LaBeouf. Oh, excuse me.

The Kingdom of Shia LaBeouf at the Korean theater or at the Vista theater? Oh, I like the Vista. I like it too, but the Korean theater, I can just walk to it. No, I know. Well, I mean, that's the X factor. How much do you think it costs to go see it at the Vista theater?

It's good. I mean, I think the matinees are five and the regulars are eight. Five is what I'm looking for to pay for. Yeah. You could probably still hit it today. Do you think I should go to the Magic Johnson AMC and use a free coupon? Do you have that?

Got some free coupons. Well, I get them from my credit card sometimes, and then a nice listener was kind enough to send a couple of them. Oh, hey. Well, there you go. So I could go to the Magic Johnson and see it for free.

Is that near the Magic Johnson TGI Fridays? I think he just has the Magic Johnson Complex. Oh, right. Yeah, the Magic Johnson and see it for free. Is that near the Magic Johnson TGI Fridays? I think he just has the Magic Johnson complex. Oh, right. Yeah, the Magic Johnson Entertainment Center. Yeah, exactly. It's sort of like Epcot Center. Right. But for Los Angeles' African American community.

There's a simulated ride through Magic Johnson's house. The home of the future. In the future, door jams will be much taller because everyone will be six foot ten but able to play the point right will be remarkably agile and play all over the court even after playing center in college i'm glad we took the high road with that one. Yeah, we really did take the high road. Literally. Nice. Because he's tall. Mm-hmm. The Magic Johnson Show experience.

Remembering the Magic Johnson Show. Was the Magic Johnson Show the one with the announcer who was super fat named Tiny, or was that the Sinbad Show? I have no idea, honestly. It was either the Magic Johnson Show or the Sinbad Show had a fat i have no idea honestly it was either the magic johnson show or the sinbad show had a fat announcer named tiny and i was really behind that he was really he was a fun guy too tiny it seems oh well clearly he's giving himself that hilarious name anyway the point of this story jordan i'm right i'm rounding the bend around here to the point of this story which is no matter which theater i go to decide theater I decide to go to see this movie at,

you know what website is going to tell me which of my friends also want to see the movie? Iwanttoseethat.com If you guessed it, first guess. Usually you guess mycokerewards.com Yeah, well, I'm tired of that. You finally learned your lesson. Yeah. You're on to the granthillsprite.com

Mm-hmm. Granthilllovesprite.com, is that what it's called? Something like that. Be a Sprite Rap? Yeah. Be a SpriteRap.com, is that right? Yeah,

drpeppershocktroops.org. Yeah, drpeppershocktroops.org. I wanttoseethat.com, one of the sponsors of Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan? Yes.

Do you know how to play taps on the trumpet? I wish I did. Oftentimes I'm at a funeral and people want to hear a song. Yes. That's taps, right? Yeah, that's taps. It's also the camp wake-up song.

No, I think that's... That's the camp wake-up song. song oh that might be pickett's charge what's this one uh camp oh that's the camp that's just a regular camp song camp yeah um anyway what are you talking about it's our last week of sponsorship from our good friends at blueshat.net. Blueshat.net. Blueshat.net. We thank you for your support. And I want to send them out on a bang.

Everybody's going to visit blueshat.net. They're going to check out the web comics. They're going to check out the mustache podcast. They're going to check out all the exciting stuff that goes on at blueshat.net. An excellent place for internet entertainment. And for months to come, Jordan, they're not going to be able to get blueshat.net out of their brain. See what I'm saying?

It's going to stick in there, and then when they're bored, they'll be like, I wonder what's going on at blueshat.net. I mean blueshat.net. See what I'm saying, Jordan? Like gum on a cat. Exactly. It's going to be like gum on a cat. It's going to be sticking around for a while. Yeah, right? Because that cat gets into all sorts of stuff.net. See what I'm saying, Jordan? Like gum on a cat. Exactly. It's going to be like gum on a cat. It's going to be sticking around for a while. Yeah, right? Because that cat gets into all sorts of stuff.

Yeah. They're not exactly clean animals either. You're trying to get a hold of the cat so you can put the peanut butter on the gum. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? It's going in trees. It's under the bed. Absolutely. Out the window.

It finally caught some of those dust bunnies it's always chasing We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go Jordan Jesse Go, I'm Jesse love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweden. Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. America's Radio Sweden? Are you thinking of Jodie Sweetin from Full House again?

Yeah, I was. It's hard not to think about her. What is she up to? I hope she's okay. Yeah. Is she fat now? Yeah, or is she up to? I hope she's okay. Yeah. Is she fat now? Yeah, or is she still super foxy? Mm-hmm.

I don't remember who that was on Full House. I don't either. I think it was Uncle Jesse. Oh, Uncle Jesse's wife. Was that it? No. It was one of the kids. It was one of the non-Olson twins' kids.

Oh. You know, I don't think it was... What about one of the guys in Uncle Jesse's rock and roll band? No, those were the Beach Boys you're thinking of, Jesse. Oh, the Beach Boys. don't think it was what about one of the guys in uncle jesse's rock and roll band no those are the beach boys you're thinking of the beach boys that's who it was i don't think jody sweeten is the beach boys jordan yes look this isn't about jody jordan in sweden no okay this isn't about your jar dan swedeberg you see what i'm saying here, Jordan? I do. Get your head on track. Let's do this thing. Let's make it happen. Tales of Shame?

Is that what we're making happen? No, that's coming later. Oh, okay. This is something else. Yeah. Jordan Jesse Goh, this is the horologist in Joel in Binghamton. We have called in with a discovery. Apparently there is a cross between a pony and a dog called a podog. That's why we have listeners, Jordan.

Right. To fill in the gaps. It's because... It's like this, Jordan. Do you know how they have this distributed networking network computer thing where, like, you can put a screensaver on your computer and then it'll help search for extraterrestrial life using the Internet? I don't... I have no idea what that is.

Okay, well, how it works is you put a special screensaver on your computer and it helps search for extraterrestrial life using the internet right it uh scans radio waves or something like that we're doing the same thing using podcasting and of course we're also using donk research rather than looking for extraterrestrials so we're looking deeper and deeper we have like a donk street team yeah it is that's exactly what it's like it's like a donk street team

they look for new donks and then they get first chance at Jordan Jesse Go concert tickets, exclusive t-shirts and they put up those fucking annoying posters on all the light lamp poles. Sure. You know what I'm saying?

About donks. If you see a new donk, call this number. Hit us up. Sure. Tell us about it. Hit us up at HQ. What's it called? We'll let Diddy know.

He's at the top of the street team. Every street team, I don't know if you knew this, every street team goes to an intermediary, and that intermediary goes directly to Diddy. Wow, so every street team member you're saying is two steps away from Diddy? Yeah, that's why they call it Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Oh. It was because Kevin Bacon was involved.

No. What do you think? Kevin Bacon's on a street team? No, you're right. That's silly. He's got better things to do. He's whipping around his huge dick. Sure.

He's got Footloose the Musical to supervise. Bingo, bango. He supervises every performance of Footloose the Musical. Did you know that? That's good. For authenticity. Yeah, because you've got to make sure that it's not, you know, not a bullshit. Sure.

It's not a bullshit. Sure. It's not a perversion of the original vision. Do you think he's on the Footloose the Musical street team? Yeah, that doesn't need a street team, Jesse. Oh, because it's an above-ground phenomenon? Yeah. It's already permeated our cultural fabric? Mm-hmm. It's passed through the cheesecloth of our national consciousness.

Yes. It's Footloose the Musical. It's Footloose the Musical. Hey, fellas, this is DJ from Raleigh, North Carolina. First things first, I'm the one who called a few weeks ago. I'm a little behind on listening to the show. Who said that I enjoy when you talked about Spanish nonsense words, and I saw the El Cucuy thing in L.A.

First off, I'm not a Midwesterner. I'm from the East Coast, from North Carolina, but I know I have that beautiful newscaster's cadence, so you probably had difficult telling. I was actually calling about something completely separate. You know, you guys talked a long time ago about Jordan trying to dress like a grown-up, and I was wondering how that actually worked out, because I'm 27 years old, and I'm sort of having the same difficulty. All of my shorts are kid cargo shorts that I just don't want to have to wear anymore,

and I actually just lost about 35 pounds. My entire wardrobe sort of didn't fit anymore. So I had to go buy a bunch of other stuff. And I'm a little bit preppy. So I was walking in the mall and Express was having a sale on polo shirts and they were like 19 or $20 for a shirt. And I ended up leaving with, I think, nine different polo shirts, all solid color, all different colors. So if you're in your mid to late 20s, you work in an office building that requires a certain dress code, what do you wear as a guy? I know, Jesse, you have the style and the fashion sense, so what do you wear? And Jordan, what do you wear now? Have you been able to change your attire to

a more grown-up attire? And if so, how? Thanks a lot. Love the show. Jordan? Okay, so update on me. This was a popular topic a few months ago on the show. That ultimately led to the fact that if you do a Google image search for Jordan Morris,

you get a picture of Jordan in his underwear. Yes, which is a picture of Jordan in his underwear. Yes. Which is a nice thing to have out there in case I ever need to look for a new job. Right. I'm glad that's the first image that comes up is me and my undies. Spread-eagled. Yeah. They're cute undies, though.

Bonch hanging out. You got some Bonch. Bonch in clear view. I have no idea what a Bonch is. I don't really either. It's something on a man it's a part of it's a male trait okay um anyway so yeah i uh i i've been pretty much dressing the same uh yeah as i did when i was in high school um and wanted to kind of update i was feeling a little self-conscious about it and that you know because now that i'm kind of in. I was feeling a little self-conscious about it,

because now that I'm kind of in an adult job and I'm kind of making adults money. Entertainment industry. Sure. It's an option for me to dress nicer. And here was kind of on this, and I think what sums this up, was on this quest,

I was getting advice from Jenna, who very fashionable and she told me that something that I would have to keep in mind on this journey was you will have to be a little bit uncomfortable at first. She's telling me tighter pants, tighter t-shirts maybe made of a fabric that you don't necessarily prefer. There's going to be this window of discomfort. Shoes as well. Me and shoes are a big... It's like the first time you tried anal. Right, exactly. There's going to be some lube,

and you'll have to be drunk when shopping. Anyways, so I never... So you bailed. So I bailed. I totally bailed. The modest amount of... And I did. I gave it a shot.

I tried to wear shirts that maybe felt too hot, and then I just didn't wear it. And I do have some... I think the thing maybe that I carried away from this is I have nicer-fitting pants some, I think the thing maybe that I carried away from this is I have nicer fitting pants now, I think. I think I definitely threw out the jeans that were too big. You went and got some paper denims. Sure, I got some paper denim.

Some diesels. Oh, some diesels, gotcha. And I threw away the jeans that I had the bottoms walked on. Oh, some diesel, gotcha. And I threw away the jeans that I had the bottoms walked on and were kind of perpetually, that didn't flatter my behind. Yeah. But that is basically the only thing

that I took away from the whole try to look nicer experiment. Yeah, I've been alternating between Converse and Vans. I just could not find another pair of shoes that I liked that felt nice. between converse and vans i just could not find another pair of shoes that i liked that that uh that felt nice um uh mismatched socks still um you'll notice uh one of them you've got one black ankle sock and one sock from a bowling alley one of those uh you know those socks you buy at a bowling alley when you forget to bring them yeah i have one of those on right

one black ankle sock because you had shown up to the bowling alley in chancletas yes sure yeah uh so yeah miserable failure me dressing nicer uh you know d plus c minus yeah i mean here's a i've got this one you know i just one basic thing for people out there. There's a lot of dudes out there who don't know what they're doing when they're getting dressed. Sure. I have one suggestion that is going to make the whole nine yards a lot better and easier for you. Here's what it is. Get yourself a really good pair of blue jeans.

If you live in a major city, you go to the blue jean store. You go to the blue jean store, not to the Macy's or the Nordstrom's or something. In many major cities in the United States, there's a store in San Francisco called Self Edge. You buy yourself one of these $200 pairs of blue jeans. Or if you've got a Barney's or something, the ones that I wear are called an APC new standard. Sure. It's not crazy expensive. I think they cost 150 bucks. Like it's crazy expensive, but they're not $400. Sure. And what you do is you just take these, these are an unwashed

blue jean. You see what I'm saying? They're untreated. So basically just raw denim, just like you would have bought in the blue jean store in the 50s or 60s. And you get one that fits you, fits you snugly, and then just wear it every day indefinitely. Don't wash it. When it gets intolerably stinky, then you can wash it, but you wash it cold and delicate. Are you saying that'll comfortable it up? It'll fit you great because it'll stretch in all the right places. See what I'm saying? Gotcha.

It'll get a natural patina, which is what you're looking for. A patina? I don't even know what that is. You know, like on something that's been used, develops, or has aged, develops a patina, which is a pattern that reflects that use or age. Sounds like a Spanish girl's hymen. Yeah, exactly. No, what happens is eventually the hymen will grow in there. Oh.

You have to put Spanish girl DNA in, though, and you have to keep one of those little Petri tubes. Petri dish? Bunsen burner. You've got to keep a Bunsen burner on your balls. That's the tough part. Set your balls on fire. Step two. So you've got the jeans, you're wearing them. Step two, singe balls. Yeah. Okay. This is what I'm saying. This is an outfit that anybody can handle is you buy a pair of APC jeans. You see what I'm saying? You can even buy them on the internet. They're

a really neutral cut. They're mid-waist. They're a little bit lower than a high waist, but not one of those weird butt-showing type of deals. They're slim, but they're not skinny. If you're super skinny, you can, of course, go for the new Cure, which is their super skinny model. You can just buy them on the internet. These ones, if you buy them on the internet, FYI, they're super skinny model but well um you can just buy them on the internet these ones if you buy them on the internet fyi they're a little bit vanity size so you want to take your waist size go down two or three um so like i i have a i'm as a fat person i i wear a 38 waist as a giant man i should say sure as a huge man as a homunculus yeah wait that's a man made out of clay. Yeah. That's a man made out of clay brought to life through magic. As a prehistoric giant sloth, I wear a size 38 waist. And the jeans that I'm wearing right now are 36 in size.

So you buy one of these pairs of jeans. You just wear it all the time. Get yourself some black Converse or something, something really simple. You get a Converse, you get a Stan Smith. See what I'm saying? Black or white. Keep them clean, your shoes. Get yourself some plain colored t-shirts that are slim fitting, like an American apparel, not a big giant blousey t-shirt. You're set. Boom. And also his note was, when you are in this office environment, you have to wear. Yeah, well, he didn't say what his certain dress was.

And actually kind of going back to that a little bit, that was also something that hindered me on my journey to dress nicer was that the office I work in, people are wearing sandals to work. There's a lot of shorts. people are wearing sandals to work. There's a lot of shorts. Oftentimes the women will noticeably be wearing bathing suits under their clothes. No, really? Yeah, yeah. So the bar for looking nice is not very high.

If intern Chris comes in here, he's not wearing a necktie. He's out on his ass. Wow. That's how it works around San Diego America World Headquarters. That dog's wearing a tie. Yeah, I make the dog wear it. Well, the dog's wearing a bow tie because it's more colorful. You know how it works around San Diego World Headquarters. The dog's wearing a tie. Yeah, I make the dog

wear a bow tie because it's more colorful. You know, it's kind of fun. It's eccentric. Sure. It's a certain eccentric charm. You see what I'm saying? I wouldn't recommend going straight from slob to bow tie. That's another recommendation I'm going to go out. Yeah, it's a pretty huge leap. I'm going to throw out there.

I don't know. What do you think he has to wear? Like khaki pants? Yeah, he probably has to wear khakis. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I'm not sure that... It's impossible not to look like a dope if you're wearing khakis and a polo shirt. That's just a fact. You're going to look like a dope no matter what. And I would recommend... There's always the dopiest looking thing in the world to me is when you see a group of, you know, eight or ten guys who all clearly work in the same office in their khakis and polos

all walking across to Quiznos together. If you can avoid being in that situation, man, nothing looks stupider than that to me. The fact of the matter is that if you are in a situation where you have to wear that, you should really just wear trousers and a real shirt.

There's no reason to be wearing khakis and a polo and looking like a dope. Sure. That's the, there's, you just look, you look like that. A dopist. It's possible to wear a polo shirt in a certain context and not look like a dope, but it's challenging. I want to make that clear. That is an advanced level thing to wear a polo shirt and not look like a dope,

unless you're a mouth breather, in which case you look like you're going to date rape somebody. So Jesse, what's your opinion on these polo shirts with the alternate breast logo? For instance, like the penguin. No, I hate that penguin shit. I hate penguin because I hate the principle of mass marketed ironic fashion yeah i know it's kind of cute though it is a cute penguin yeah no i'm not disagreeing with that but you basically what you're saying when you wear the penguin is i'm so cool that i wear a shitty thing yeah i don't don't know. They're nice shirts, right? No, not really. Yeah?

They're still shitty. Okay. Basically, the Penguin brand is a brand that was, you know, like Hagar or something like that, you know, like a polyester clothes brand that was run into the ground because the polyester clothes thing, you know, you just can't get away with that anymore. Sure. And then bought by someone who thought, I can ironically mass market this and sell it in the youth section of Macy's. Okay.

You see what I'm saying? Yeah. That's why I'm against it ultimately. You're anti-penguin. Now, Jordan, I know that you will occasionally wear a penguin. I have a penguin shirt that I enjoy. I think you have the charm to make it seem not douchey. Sure.

I'm still not necessarily in support of it, but you shouldn't feel like you're going around looking like a douche when you're wearing it. Sure. Yeah. Cause you, you've got a very, you've got a warm, you've got a personal warmth that overcomes that.

Um, I'm saying in this office context, is that preferable to just the, you know, I guess whatever shirt you get into, whatever. Yeah. I mean,

it's better than, you know, like the, like polyester, the poly blend, uh, pants that you got get it, or whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's better than, you know, like the polyester, the polyblend pants that you got, the Ross or whatever. You know what I'm saying, I guess. Because it's like something. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

See what I'm saying? It's like, it's something. I gotcha. But, yeah, I mean, my feeling is this. Like, if you work in an office where you just have to look clean, you can wear the same pair of jeans every day. Sure. Buy one of these $150 pair of jeans, just be done with it.

Keep your shoes clean, keep your shirts clean, and when they fade, stop wearing them. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Just keep things looking neat and slim, nice, put together. You know, that's not too hard. That's fine. Should you own more than one belt? Yes, because you should own more than one pair of shoes. If you have both black and brown shoes, you're going to need at least one black belt and one brown belt. Okay. Because you want your

belt to be approximately the same color as your shoes. Okay. It doesn't have to literally be exactly the same color, but you're looking for something that is about the same color. You're looking at the bare minimum. You're looking for black belt with black shoes, brown belt with brown shoes. That's something that maybe something easy I thought I could do for myself. Like, hey, Jordan, maybe it's time to start owning two belts. Sure. Absolutely. That's nice. You know, if you want to get a belt, you can go onto the internet and just go... The belternet. Yeah, the belternet. And you just type in belts. There's some kind of belt store on the internet. It's like, you know, internetbeltstore.com or something like that.

Yeah. It just makes belts. And it's a good, so solid belt. Because what you don't want to do is if you go to like the, if you go to the Ross or something like that, and I've tried to do this before, there's just a lot of belts that are like, if they're leather, they're embossed with some fake animal pattern on them. Sure, sure. Yeah, the fake snake belt is a... Or they're kind of like pressed together different pieces of stuff,

like a Kenneth Cole thing. of stuff like a kenneth cole thing you know what i'm saying it's like pressed together it's like three layers of um that's nothing that's not a thing oh by the way kenneth cole not a thing don't get involved with that just in general don't wear these duckbill shoes what are these duckbill shoes you know these big giant wide-toed shoes that Kenneth Cole makes in plastic. Some kind of plastic-treated leather. They somehow found a way to make leather look like not leather. Gotcha.

They found a way to make leather into pleather. Hmm. Finally, artificial pleather. That's what they decided when they created their leather. Patent leather, Jesse. You can look like you're in a high school choir. Yeah, exactly. Oh, God, this Kenneth Cole shit's the ugliest shit that there is.

I mean, their clothes aren't always the ugliest shit that they are, but those fucking big square-toed shoes, they're all shitty. Oh, I think I know what you're talking about now. It's the kind of shoes that a guy wears. He's got an elaborately faded pair of jeans on. He's got a striped shirt that's untucked. He's got like his sunglasses on his head and drinking his hand. He's like, what's up?

You know what I mean? I got you. You know that guy I'm talking about? He's like headed. He's like, yeah, we're going bar hopping in Boca Raton. Yeah, what's up? Spring break. Yeah, I'm going to rape somebody.

Jesse, I think that's a... That was a character piece. That's a big jump. I'm not going to rape anybody. Oh, I know. I'm just saying that implying that all... All people who wear Kenneth Cole shoes are rapists. Oh, okay. You didn't know that?

Well, as long as there's statistics to back that up. Oh, absolutely, Jordan. I wouldn't just go around saying that. No, I don't want to see them, but I just need to know that they exist. Okay, well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go, huh? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go! I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Do you think I could talk in like a... I'm trying new personas, too, by the way. Did you notice? Yours was more demure. Yeah. That was itchy jordan oh because you were feeling so itchy yeah the time but i wasn't actually itching but that was like the itchy guy character so you were doing like a sense memory thing yeah so and um the one before

that is a slightly taller jordan i'll explain that for any five ten you and i have both been professional actors sure so i just gonna explain that we're gonna explain that for any... I'm 5'10". You and I have both been professional actors. Sure. So I'm just going to explain that. We've been paid to act. We're going to explain that situation to our audience. Sense memory means, for example, in this case, your character is itchy. So you think back to how itchy you were when your cat died. Mm-hmm. Because that's when I lived in hay.

Yeah. The cat died because all I fed it was hay Yeah, and he thought it was a horse Which turns out, no sir Garbage cat You want to just do momentous occasions? Oh, yeah, sure Hey, Joe and Jessica

I just had sex for the first time Alright, bye Yes, good work Sex, sex, sex I thought we were chanting that Oh, because he had it Alright bye but sorry sorry i have to hold your hand through this podcast sorry i'm gonna do this every day jesse sorry i'm not a sex expert dan savage wow that was cold yeah that was below the belt you know how much i hate that guy yeah everybody hates him he's so funny and reasonable yeah right that's such a great podcast yeah it's better than ours i hate hate that fucking guy. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go.

This is Ben from L.A. and a woman in a fleece vest riding a recumbent bike just rode through a gas station and asked me for some change. That's all. You know what happened? You can't give that. You cannot give that woman change. She's just going to blow it on carob chips.

Yeah, exactly. Get her some help. Yeah. change. She's just going to blow it on carob chips. Yeah, exactly. Get her some help. Point her in the direction of a normal person. Like a Raley's? Yeah. Somewhere where she can buy some Cheez-Its? That's what she needs.

We want to save somebody's life that's in that kind of situation. Say, I'm not going to buy you some change, but I will go get you some Cheez-Its. Yeah, because they need to eat, you know. They need to eat something with saturated fats in it. Yellow Dine number five. You got it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, this is Colin.

I have a momentous occasion. So I'm just going to start by saying it's really hot out where I live. So I walked down the street, too, because I live really close to the high school and on Sundays the ice cream truck is usually there. So I went there and I got a chip which and I started walking back and since the roads were really busy I decided to cut through the global Reader's Digest headquarters which is right across from the high school and on the way home to my house. So I'm cutting through there, and a deer chased me across the parking lot

for a good, like, two and a half minutes. And it was really scary. Ugh, bye. I don't really think, I'm not sure that I think the deer was actually chasing him He just wanted the chip witch He just wanted the chip witch? Is that your theory? I mean that's I think he just wanted to get a few laughs

About life in these United States You know what I mean? No It's something in the Reader's Digest Oh right okay I see He just wanted to submit His suggestion for humor in uniform. Yeah, exactly. It's also an acceptable joke.

Precisely. The deer is in the army, by the way, in that scenario. Jordan, can I ask you something? Yes. Remember last year we put together this project. It was called the High Five Contest. Yes. It was a great contest

where we asked people across america to high five people that they did and didn't know gave them points etc etc etc yes i remember it well okay because uh that was the time The time was around that time where I got real sad. You were really sad then? Nah, I was fine. Okay. I remember it because it was fun. If you had gotten really sad then, I would have felt a little bad because I didn't notice that you were so sad at the time. Yeah, I keep it inside.

Yeah, I know that, but I'd still like to see that I could notice, because we've been such good friends for so long. Yeah, you can't. I'm a master. Yeah. I'm a master of concealing emotions. I guess we're probably not as good friends as I thought we were. Oh, yeah, that too. Also, I'm subtly making fun of you all the time. Yeah, people keep telling me that, and I can't tell when you're doing it.

I know. Oh, jeez. I'll give you a hint. i did it three times this episode try and figure out which ones they were should that be our new project no yeah oh you had an idea for a new project no i don't have one that's my whole point i think we need a new project maybe getting chased take a picture of yourself getting chased by some sort of forest mammal maybe we should just have our listeners fight animals. Yeah.

And send us the corpses after they've killed them. Yeah, exactly. That's a good idea. Freeze dry them, or at least put them through a vacuum bag sealer. Sure. If you can make them into jerky, I mean, it'll save us three steps. That's just what we're going to do with it. Seasoning. Sure. Drying. Curing.

Curing. Drying. Yeah. Righting, drying, curing, drying. Yeah. Right? And packaging, but we don't necessarily have to package them. Nah, I'm just going to eat it off the hook. I'm just going to eat it off the jerky hook. Oh, you're going to eat it right off the hook? Mm-hmm.

Right back there in your smokehouse? Mm-hmm. Oh. Can I come? It's more of a smoke closet, but... You know what's funny, though? You know these tiny LA apartments, right? Jordan?

What? For me, it's actually going to save four steps because i was going to make pemmican oh so i needed to mix it with uh acorn meat and berries so there you go please make it into pemmican yeah if you can send us an animal do you think that's going to be our big thing just send us pemmican i can't imagine that's going to be very fun for anybody but you have to boil the acorn meat or else it's poisonous. I want to make that clear. Please don't poison us.

I don't want to eat your B-grade pemmican with unboiled acorn meat. That's the new project. Me not eating your B-grade pemmican with unboiled acorn meat. It's too bitter also. It gets the bitterness out. We need a new project. You're right. I'm taking suggestions.

As far as I'm concerned, the suggestion box is open. You can email them to us, jordanjessego at maximumfund.org. Excuse me, jjgo at maximumfund.org. jjgo at maximumfund.org. Or post them on the message board

or what have you. I think we need a cool project. No, you're right. We do. We have literally thousands of listeners, Jordan. We're in a project rut. I don't have any projects. We got to get them moving. We got to get them excited. We got to get them out in the community.

You know who I think would be a good person for us to ask about this? What? Norm Abrams from the Yankee Workshop. Oh, right. Yes. He's always got good project ideas. Probably just suggest something with candles. Yeah, he would probably want us to do some tongue-and-groove jointing. Whatever it would be, it would involve joint work that I'm not comfortable doing.

Sure. You know, so no joint. Here's the rule so far. No joint work. Boil your acorn meat. That's all the rules, right? Yeah, two rules. Two rules.

No joint work i don't care if it's tongue and groove dovetail whatever it is i'm not i'm not gonna do it sorry norm sorry bob vila number two boil the acorn meat so within those parameters we need a project what's the project yeah uh if that's called maybe it should involve the internet or something yeah it could probably Within those parameters, we need a project. What's the project? Yeah. That's called an action. Oh, maybe it should involve the internet or something. Yeah, it could probably involve the internet, like our Flickr group or our Twitters. Something social applications, making a Photoshop of something. How about something where the listeners challenge us to do something and then we do it?

Okay, fine. That sounds good. That's a possible idea something something uh i don't know something that i don't know maybe right like we have to i don't want to do anything a bar fight or something i don't want to do anything scary okay can i just make that clear yeah i've spent my whole life avoiding scary stuff i'm not going to start now jordan never seen any scary movies never gone on any scary roller coasters have you never seen a scary movie i don't know maybe i saw catalog the scary movies you've seen i think i saw part

of the shining once in uh english class sure so english class and not a very scary context to see a scary movie yeah saw gremlins does that count that's one half. What about Return to Oz? Yes, that is a scary movie. Okay, I've seen Return to Oz, and I feel like I still have nightmares about those block-headed guys. So based on your negative reaction to Return to Oz, you've sworn off all... Scary movies from here on out. I'll watch a taut movie. Okay.

Like a legal thriller. Okay. I'm not watching no scary watch american gangster maybe i might watch american gangster i haven't yet but i might do it yeah anyways you think you just you think it would just you think it would like legitimately upset you to see like you know aliens or something like that i know i've seen alien okay the first alien it scared me right i didn't like that. I didn't mind the movie, except it was too scary.

You see what I'm saying? That part of it you didn't like. You didn't like its main conceit. I wish it had just been exciting instead of scary. Like an Indiana Jones type of situation. He's not scary. More one-liners. You're saying it didn't have enough one-liners. Also, I don't want to have to look down anything

where it's like a big ravine or looking down from a bridge. You don't want to see a movie that portrays heights. No, just in general. Oh, okay. I'm listing things that I won't do. Gotcha. I'm not going to look down when I'm on a bridge or in a tall tree. I'm not doing any ropes courses.

I've never completed a ropes course. I think I've gone on like not doing any ropes courses. I've never completed a ropes course. I think I've gone on like four or five ropes courses. You know what they end up with me doing? Crying. Crying. Every time. Every single time, Jordan. When have you gone on ropes courses?

You don't go on a lot of corporate retreats, do you? We went on like two ropes courses when we were RAs, didn't we? Oh, yeah. Or three. Yeah. I feel like I went on three ropes courses, and I did not finish one of them. Okay. like I went on three ropes courses and I did not finish one of them. Okay.

And I went on two ropes courses in middle school. Going on a ropes course was part of my middle school. Just crying like a fucking baby. I don't think I even made it all the way up the ladder. I can't cry, but it was just because people who run ropes courses are creepy. I cried because they tried too aggressively to sell me the dream catchers they had made. You just cried because the person who was on belay looked a lot like your dead grandma,

who you really, really miss. Sure. Maybe it was a ghost. And the dog she was petting looks like my old dog. Oh, I miss my old dog, Jordan. Yeah. Well, on that note. Hey!

No, seriously. If you have ideas for what can be our big project, and we'll take some challenges, too. We'll have to think of some kind of framework for these challenges. If we do it, then what do they get? No, what do we get if we do it? Sure. I'm not doing it for free. Yeah.

You don't do it just to entertain the public? I'm not an entertainer, Jordan. I'm a podcaster. This is about me. This is about self-indulgence. Exactly. How does this benefit us? Jordan, if I was an entertainer, you know, I would be...

You'd have some sort of puppet theater. Exactly. That's what entertainers do. I'd be out on a street corner in Vancouver. You don't see me doing that. No, that's true. You clearly do not care about the public. This is about Web 2.0 Mobisodes. do i'd be out on a street corner in vancouver right you don't see me doing that no no it's true you clearly do not care about the public this is about web 2.0 public interest this is exclusively a mobile situation thorn hulu and his opinions on things talking about it's mostly hulu

stuff yeah just kind of hulu material yeah it's it's something with a lot of a lot of negative space a lot of white space on this. Right, yeah, kind of small viewing window. You got it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jess, and Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jess, and Go. I'm Jesse.

Jordan. You didn't sing in the melody. I established a melody, and then you didn't support it Well the The song was over That was just like a punctuation Don't you That was like the symbol clash

Aren't you an improv instructor Jordan? Yeah Don't you know That you're always supposed to say Yes and I did It was a punctuation Jesse That's what Viola Spolin taught us

Doesn't always need a big thing Didn't Viola Spolin teach us that? Sometimes less is more I'm not drawing focus Away from your thing Why are you pissing on the grave of the late Paul Sills, inventor of Story Theater and

co-founder of the Second City, who died just this past week? I'm saying that's probably what Paul Sills would have done. You think Paul Sills, after hearing... Would have just said Jordan quickly. It's Jordan, Jessico. I'm Jesse. Jordan. That was fine. I was supporting what you were doing, but I'm Jesse. Jordan. That was fine.

I was supporting what you were doing, but I wasn't stealing focus. Did you think that I was going to put in an auto- Sorry, I'm not showboating like some people. Did you think that I was going to put in an auto-tune afterwards? Did you think you were going to come out of this smelling like a rose, like Snoop Doggy Dogg or T-Pain? You know what? I can only- Roger Troutman? You know what? I can only... Roger Troutman?

Roger and Zap? I'm just saying, I think that was both appropriate and along the lines of good improv etiquette. Just because Cher let you sing on her behalf on her 1998 hit Believe

doesn't mean that every time you perform atonally, a studio wizard is going to come in and auto-tune you into the melody. Do you see what I'm saying, Jordan? Oh, also my specialty is talk singing. I thought you knew that. No, I had no idea. Yeah. You're just kind of into patter. Yeah. So mostly you're performing the song Hot Rod Lincoln. Sure. Have you heard the story of the hot rod race? Yeah. And also Convoy.

Sure, Convoy. Convoy. The devil went down to Georgia. Sure. Okay. No, it's making sense to me now. What's that English rap guy? The Streets.

The Streets. I'm doing that. You're playing The Streets' song, people love me sure um there's a trumpet in this rap song yeah exactly cool is in parentheses that's the subtitle sure yeah uh sort of like never gonna get it and then parentheses my love anyway it's an in vogue hit you love in vogue right not as much as i love tony tony tony that's exactly what i was about to ask you which do you like more in vogue or tony tony tony tony tony tony yeah tony tony tony right sons of soul right yeah come on hey uh jordan and jesse

this is ryan from chattanooga tennessee just calling to let you all know that uh i'm moving to korea in about a month and uh uh hey jordan hey jesse uh here is my most embarrassing moment uh please know what i'm not giving my name or where i'm from uh about ten years ago, my brother moved out of our house. When he did, he gave me a stack of Playboys. About two years later, when I was moving out of the house and he was helping, he was going through the same stack, only he found the gay images that I downloaded and printed out

and other magazines and stuff that I had actually hidden in the Playboys. And then, you know, he called me out on it. And while this was ten years ago, and I have come to terms with myself lately, that definitely was probably one of the most worst, you know, totally getting busted moments that that i can think of so there you go yeah that's a good one that's like the that's like the sexual identity equivalent of like having the comic book in the math book wow isn't that amazing it's really. Because he could have downloaded the gay porn

and then kept it in a secret box or something. Right. I have no, and let's be clear here, both you and I are very happy that this gentleman 10 years later has become more comfortable with his identity. Absolutely. He doesn't feel this way.

And both of us are deeply sympathetic to the struggles that he must have gone through as evidenced by the fact that he must have gone through as evidenced by the fact that he pasted gay pornography into a Playboy. Yeah. Holy mackerel. Yeah, I mean, I guess because, you know, you still want to see, you still want to read the John Updike short stories.

Yeah, he really was there for the articles. You still want to read the interview with Sting. Yeah, add 20 questions with Sting. Sure. A cologne ad. Exactly. You want to rub the cologne ad card on yourself there's so much about playboy but you know you still want to jack off at some point

at some point you're gonna want to jack off i mean that's playboy sure you know it smells like jacking off do you think in the college issue he matched up the colleges oh yeah you found like the guys of the pack 10 yeah i should hope so he's like, the guys of the Pac-10. Yeah. I should hope so. He's like, I'm having a terrible time finding an Arizona State University fella. Yeah, and every time it was a black chick, I hope you put a black dude in there. Yeah, you got to match the races.

Mm-hmm. And every time it was a gay woman, he should have put a gay dude. Sure. You know what I'm saying? You can tell that, right? Yeah. You just give it a good look. Mm-hmm. Squ I'm saying? You can tell that, right? Yeah. You just give it a good look.

Mm-hmm. Squint in there and, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Well, you gotta look at the rings on the bark. That's trees.

Good evening, Jordan, Jesse. Go. I have a tale of shame to share with you all and I just wanted to preface this with, I didn't think this actually happened to people.

This is supposed to happen in grotesquely bad movies. My parents were being honored at the synagogue I grew up in with a lifetime achievement-y, like, yay, go money thing. Pity, got to keep it pity. We all rented tuxedos. It was great. I was going to give a speech because I'm the funny one in the family and I was going to talk about how proud I was and me and my sisters got on the main stage of the synagogue. I take a deep breath and the pants of my tuxedo fall

to my ankles. I'm behind a podium, so no one knows this except for the people sitting behind me on the stage who were, in order, my parents, the head rabbi of when I grew up, the teacher who taught me for my bar mitzvah,

the mayor of my hometown, and the holy ark god himself. Without missing a beat, I slowly just kind of creep the pants back up, hoping no sudden movement would indicate anything went wrong. While everyone does their best poker face behind me, the only catch is that my sisters are laughing hysterically on either side of me, and I'm hoping maybe, just maybe, they're laughing because I made such a funny joke. It wasn't that funny of a joke, but it worked. The lie lived on, and to this day, whenever there's just a lull in the conversation, pretty much the only sentence that will come up

is, hey, remember that time your pants fell down in front of the mayor? And that's my tale of shame. That's nothing. Yeah? My pants fell down in front of the Admiral of the Ocean Seas, the Queen of England, Mahatma Gandhi, Miss Manners, Miss America,

Miss America, and... Susan B. Anthony. mcgundy miss manners miss america miss america and susan b anthony susan b anthony good one oh and all the villains uh from three stooges movies oh man when he said the modern adam sandler movie equivalents when he said the mayor of his city yeah that's the uh that's the uh it's one When he said the mayor of his city. Yeah, that's the It's one thing. That's the swing that knocked it out of the park. And of course the arc

of the Torah. Sure. It fell down in front of the Torah. You know what I'm saying? I think you have to burn the pants. Yeah, I think that's what you're supposed to do. By strict Hasidic law. I'm not sure if this guy is a Hasid, but I think, according to the movie Pi, you have to burn your pants if they fall down in front of the Torah. Right? Yeah.

No! You have to feed them to a goat. Okay. You were saying burn, but you have to feed them to a goat. You burn the goat. Well, yeah, but you have to feed them the pants first or else he won't go up. Oh, yeah, that's true. You see what I'm saying?

Oh, also these pants are flammable. Yeah, well, super flammable. Right? I hope he was wearing gasoline pants. You're always supposed to be wearing... Goodbye, goat. You're supposed to be wearing gas-soaked pants if you're addressing a congregation in a synagogue. Sure.

Why do you think rabbis always smell like gasoline? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, this is Chris. I've got a more, it's a tale of shame. I guess it's more of a retrospective tale of shame because I didn't really realize the shame at the time. But when I was in sixth grade, we had a diversity festival or whatever where we had to dress up as different countries and explain that.

And for whatever reason, my sixth grade mind at the time, I dressed up as Nazi Hitler. Wore my dad's military uniform and made a Nazi armband and painted a little mustache on my face. And I remember it was a big communal day where everybody went out and had a big parade, and I was actually Hitler marching around saying, Heil Hitler, with little lockstep and arm raise in the air. And yeah, to this day, even talking about it, it's pretty humiliating. I don't know why my parents let me do that. They were actually there that day.

Not anti-Semitic in the least, or German for that matter. I think they were just letting me express myself or something. So, yeah, very humiliating. I remember I also made like a little Coke bottle that was a Hitler as well that had a little raised arm and a little mustache and the whole nine yards and really had no idea how awful that was at the time but looking back on it um don't know how anybody let me do that so if you're gonna dress up as hitler you're gonna want to bring along a coke bottle hitler right exactly little hitler yeah a little hitler

little i don't this had to be a Waldorf school situation. I don't see that being allowed in a public school. His parents were just supporting his expressing himself. If your child is going to grow up to become a xenophobe,

a Holocaust perpetrator, or at least a Holocaust apologist, you know, you want him to ultimately despot become the best uh mass murder apologist that he can be yeah you know that's the waldorf school way understands you know he's not just one of these people who deny the holocaust like a montessori type of situation sure you want him to put on that mustache and feel what it's like to perpetrate mass murder exactly i was once stalin for for halloween is that bad how old are you uh old enough to understand were you what were

you being say 17 okay well you were just being like 16 17 you were just being outrageous. 16, 17. You were just being purposefully outrageous. I guess. I didn't really think it through that much, though. Yeah. I mean, I knew. Now, granted, I guess I was going to say there's levels to this kind of thing. But ultimately, I think once you perpetrate a mass murder, you're just in the mass murderers group. Yeah, sure. But maybe just because... There's a bar after 10 guys since stalin's mass murder was ideological rather than uh ethnically targeted sure um i guess maybe that makes up for it just

because he settled you know millions of people to their deaths in the gulag or whatever um that's probably that's just because they didn't support the revolution. It's not because, or they didn't agree with Tavadar Stalin. It's not as bad as just because they were Jewish or a gypsy or whatever. Nah. You know. Stalin, you know. It's no big deal. Plus you get to wear that funny mustache.

Ultimately, that was the appeal of the costume to me. No, I'm sure that it was just a funny mustache situation. I mean, I just wanted to wear a funny mustache. You can't wear the Hitler mustache. You can't wear Charlie Chaplin mustache. Wilford Brimley's not dead yet, so you can't be him. Yeah. Because that's the rule.

Exactly. By the way. P.S. And you don't want to get that fat either, you know? No. I mean, you... Also, you don't like how suspenders rub your nipples. No, I do like that.

Oh, you do like that. Absolutely. Are you kidding me? Sorry to steal your catchphrase. I just assumed. Okay, we'll be back in just a second with Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. What was that one? Oh, uh, the drunk Oh, that is crazy Thank you I was worried that you were drunk And I just didn't want to bring it up Because I know you have a drinking problem

Acting Wait, are you a drunk in general though? Because Oh sure, yeah, absolutely Oh okay, so like that time that you got into my bed At like 3 o'clock in the morning and I didn't even know how you got into my house? Yeah. That was you were really drunk. Or is that acting?

Well, I was acting like I wanted to be at your house. But really I just wanted to get away from the men chasing me. I kind of acted like I was happy to see you, but I was just mainly hiding. Jordan, you are the Daniel Day-Lewis of your generation. It's true. I'm just going to drop off the map for a few years, go to cobbler school, and then boom, I'm back with a vengeance with an Oscar-nominated performance. Jordan, you're cobbling.

And a hot new wife. Your cobbling is some of the most amazing cobbling I've ever seen in my entire life. Well, I cobble with the same intensity at which I act. Which is to say, balls to the wall. I can recognize that, Jordan. That's why you've got that Monster Energy drink. Don't you wish our show was sponsored by Monster Energy drink? God, I wish.

How can we get an energy drink? There's so many energy drinks and they all need sponsors. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Well, I think if we were pro athletes, that would help. We were former pro mathletes. That's true. I was an academic decathlete.

That's something. You got a pile of medals to prove it, Jordan. I've seen them. You are pretty eager to show those. Well, I mean, I wear them sometimes, but that's what they're for. You often surprise me when I turn around and they're in my fucking face.

I put a couple around your neck, but then complained about it because you didn't win them. Yeah. I felt it was disingenuous to wear them. It's just a fun thing I do. It's just having fun, just joking around. That's what friendship is all about, man. You're right. Putting your medals on other people.

Yeah, right. That's friendship. Why do you think John McCain has so many good friends? He lets people wear his medals? Yeah. He forces people to wear his medals. I hear if you're really good buddies with him, he'll let you drive the straight talk express. He'll let you take it through the drive-thru.

Oh, man. Remember that time that John McCain was driving the straight talk express himself and he went into the car wash, but the straight talk express was too tall. So he destroyed the car wash. So he just floored it and hightailed on out of there. Yeah. Firing a gun into the air all the way. That was amazing. He's such a maverick. Man, I love John McCain. We're doing a lot of political satire on this week's program. Do you like that? Yeah, I do. That's our new thing.

Wait until I get these. I've been working on this. I got this stack of note cards with Gary Hart jokes that I've been working on for the past 15, 25 years. Good. And I think they're really going to knock some socks off when I bring them out. Next week, Gary Hart jokes?

What do you think? Two words for you, my friend. Michael Dukakis. What's he doing in a tank? He's a fag. Nice. Thanks. Satire, folks, with a capital S. We're looking for projects, right? Yeah. What's our next

big project? And you can always call us in with Tales of Shame. I feel like I like Tales of Shame so much. I want to make it like momentous occasions. Or just if it happens. If it happens, if you think of something, you give us a call, drop it on the voicemail, we plug it into the program. Because we've been getting some really good ones.

I feel like they've been increasing. We don't got to work a lot to generate it. We don't want to have to think of ideas, people. We want you to think of our ideas for us. That's what Web 2.0 is all about. We want to be able to laugh at you. Yeah, exactly. So that's some shit you can do.

Make a video about Jordan Jesse Go, and then your friends can vote on it. If you've got a problem for Judge Sean Hodgman or whatever, you can email us, jjgo at maximumfun.org, or you can give us a call, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Our theme music by The Free Design.

It's called Love You. It's from the best of The Free Design, which is a great CD that is available on Light in the Attic Records. And in conclusion, I found a source for donks. Did you? Yep.

Wait, didn't you already have one? Fell through. So you kept looking. Yeah. So the perk of the donks wasn't that they were easily obtainable. No, it's that they look like a donkey, but they're smaller. Okay. That's what donks are about.

That's going to set you back too much? Somebody's got to bring donks, somebody's got to bring hay. Okay. If they bring a po-donk, that's great. You're not kicking them out of the wedding. I'm not going to kick them out of the wedding. No, I wouldn't kick a po-donk out of my wedding. No.

Only an asshole would do that. Sure. You know what I mean? Aquaman might do that. Wow. All of a sudden this Aquaman. Because he can only talk to fish. He doesn't like other kind of animals. That's right. And it frustrates him. It's really frustrating because when he's on dry land, he's like,

hey guys, let's go. Let's all get in the ocean. Let's go in the water. He's still a bad guy. Just look at him. He's like, no, that's what he's saying to guy. You just look at him. He's like, no, that's what he's saying to his superhero buddies. Oh, right. He's like,

hey guys, you guys want to go under the ocean? And they're like, I don't know, I can't breathe under the ocean. Most of the bad guys

are on dry land, so if there's like a whale bad guy, we'll give you a call, but hey, just hang out, you know? They're cool about it.

Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on, let's go. Come on. Eh. Come on. Let's do it. It's cool.

We're fine. Okay, we'll be back next week. Yes. On Jordan, Jesse, go. Go. Go. Go. Go.