Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 647: High Cocktane with Justin McElroy

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Justin McElroy (My Brother, My Brother and Me) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the other meaning of CBT (cock and ball torture), Justin's favorite quarantine drinks (White Claw + Vodka = Clawdka), and Jordan's new kitchen accent to help spice up his quarantine cooking (a portable island he can set stuff on).It's the Max Fun Drive! We are so thankful to everyone who helps support the show!If you donate at the $10 level you unlock the ability to buy as many pins as you want from all of the Max Fun shows!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, aka Mr. CBD, CBT, and CBT. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective, and can I just say at the top of the show, listen, a lot of people are going to read this as pandering because it's the Max Fund Drive. We're trying to sign people up. We're trying to raise money for the network. But I do genuinely want to say at the top of the show, in light of kind of some of the conversation that went on around last week's episode i love the fans come on do you i love the do you love the fans as much as i love the fans jordan i don't know if you agree

or disagree but i feel like we've got the best fans in the business i stands the fans oh i too stands the fans i stands the fans uh let's we we we both kind of simultaneously had the notion to start the show off by talking about this should we yeah i i would love to i'll i'll kind of i'll i'll encapsulate the issue here and i give some context for folks who weren't listening carefully last week so last week i declared that I was thinking about getting a license plate that said CBD and CBT, which is to say CBD, the calming agent in marijuana. Now, I guess I maybe, is that something that you've been using regularly, Jesse, CBD products? I use a low THC thc cbd combo i don't use it on a daily basis but i yeah i regularly as fair you uh vaping that eating

that how are you taking it in i'm taking it in an oil an undertone oil tastes horrible tastes like grass not marijuana it tastes like i'm literally eating grass but not just straight grass grass like the second stomach of a cow or the third stomach how many stomachs do a cow have i just it's too many if you ask me sorry i know we're not supposed to get political on here but uh take it down on the stomachs guys brian our producer sorry you get off on a rant when you write up the episode notes for this make sure to include the pull quote how many stomachs do a cow have dash jesse thorn or dash npr's jesse thorn npr's jesse thorn so uh you know it's uh i i've been and and the cbt And the CBT in this example is cognitive behavioral therapy, a scientifically demonstrated system, set of systems, really, that can help arrest a lot of mild and moderate mental health issues, such as anxiety. It's been a big help to me.

And so I'm doing a lot of different stuff to chill out. Now, this is where the fans come in. Jordan, do you want to explain? So, you know, I think we have a... One of the things that we try and curb on the show is people offering corrections after the show. It's like, you know, we're just kind of talking off the dome here. It's not factual. This isn't an information podcast.

So if we, you know, get the name of a silver age DC hero a little bit wrong, no need to fucking cut us down on Twitter the next day. Yeah. But in this case, I think that the corrections were fantastic because people let us know that CBT in the kink community is code for cock and ball torture. Am I getting that right? It's not cognitive ball torture. It's cock and ball torture? Am I getting that right? It's not cognitive ball torture. It's cock and ball torture. Cock and ball torture.

That's what my notes indicate. Cock and ball torture. So just like, I really want to thank everybody for that. And multiple people let us know, by the way. Six to ten. It wasn't just one nasty freak.

It was almost a dozen nasty freaks. I haven't given out my email address in a really long time. I haven't been looking at my Twitter replies almost ever. I haven't been on Facebook. I haven't been monitoring the JJGoatmaximumfun.org email address, yet somehow six to ten filtered their way into my bubble. People who located my home address sent me a postcard. Right. So you got some stuff to your P.O. box, right? Homing pigeons.

People had stolen from my house and then saved for when they had something really important to tell me because they knew it would home back to my house so yeah so i mean i just i just i i you know we we've said it before in our pledge drive pitching but it's it's really nice to be kind of making a show you know for a for a community that you like that you're kind of proud to be a part of and i just i'm just so honored that we get to make this show for people who at once appreciate constant references to Waluigi, but also know what the kink community acronym for cock and ball torture is. Way to go, you fucking nasty angels. You're all just a bunch of nasty angels, and I love it. And also make deviant art that features Waluigi engaging in cock and ball torture.

They are two steps ahead of you. I have to say this, Jordan. Yes. Look, you're a man of the world. You've had many romances in your time, almost certainly some of which have led to consummation. Well, sure. Yeah, we'll go there. Okay. Yeah, sure. For the sake of this bit, I'm not a virgin. My wife and I have been together quite happily for quite a long time, 20 years or so, a little more than 20 years now. And I think now might be the time to introduce a few twists into our romantic life. And I figure, why not start with CBD and CBT?

Yeah, because that first time you get your cock and balls tortured, you're going to want to be kind of chill. You're going to want to go under the tongue with that oil. And you don't want to have a seizure. Happy 710, by the way. Loyal to the oil. Thank you. Thank you very much. Loyal to the

oil till I die. This is what I'm thinking, Jordan. This is my thought around it. If I do this, and I'm thinking, Jordan. This is my thought around it. If I do this, and I'm not saying I will, but it's on the table. I incorporate it into my nickname. Yeah, I mean, I personally am in favor of you bringing you and your wife's sexual experiments into the show.

But if I do this, I think I'm going to start with cock torture because it seems way less bad than ball torture. They both seem very bad. Disagree. Really? Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe I just have resilient nards. I feel like I've bounced things off my dong accidentally without major ill effect but i still have nightmares

about the time in first grade playing after school softball when i caught it in the junk yeah well i mean listen i think this is just a case of different strokes before we introduce our guest let's mention it's the MaxFunDrive. Yeah, this show and all the other podcasts on Maximum Fun are supported by and large by people who go to MaximumFun.org slash join and throw us a couple of bucks. It's really cool. It keeps the show going and lots of cool bonus gifts you can get if you donate. Yeah, all you got to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash join. We'll tell you about gifts and all that good stuff later on in the show. But we just want to invite you to become a member of MaxFun,

because that's how we keep our lights on here. Obviously, weird time. If you can't right now, don't worry about it. But if you can, MaximumFun.org slash join. maximum fun.org slash join now our guest you know him as the star of trolls world tour you know him as a new york times best-selling author you know him as the podcaster behind podcasts including but not limited to my brother my my brother and me, Sawbones, the Adventure Zone, Justin McElroy. Hi, what a pleasure it is to be here. Wow.

What an honor. You know what I like about CBT is that it specifies both the cock and the balls. Yeah. It specifies both the cock and the balls. What, just so there's no, hey, do you want cock or ball torture? I mean, you're already down there. How about both? Sure, three birds with one stone. that people got tired of saying cock and ball torture and needed an easily accessible acronym to communicate both as long as you're there.

I have a question for you guys. When you guys imagine cock and ball torture, you imagine it with an ampersand, not an and, right? That's how I imagine it Maybe in a sporty script No, an un, un, in apostrophe, for sure Yeah, in apostrophe, like Like chicken grits, cock and ball torture

It's kind of a fun country flavor Kind of a down-home cock and ball torture Justin, which would you rather start with having tortured? Oh, the cock part of it, I don't like using that. It felt weird to say that. I don't think I've ever. Okay, so the wiener. That sounded a little more natural.

As I said growing up, in my family, the worm. I would prefer my worm be tortured before my balls. But mainly because I've had a vasectomy and I'm fucking terrified that something could happen and undo it. In the process of torturing the balls. What if they tortured them in just the right way where the i don't know clamp i don't know what's there i didn't ask a lot of questions came off and i was incredibly fertile yet again uh justin i wanted to uh bring up something that happened on uh munch squad on Munch Squad, the show within a show in My Brother, My Brother and Me that I thought was relevant to our audience.

You hipped me on an episode of Munch Squad to a promotion that Bud Light was doing with its spiked seltzers encouraging you to put in a scoop of Baskin Robbins ice cream. Correct, yes. Yes, they had specific pairings that when you put the seltzers and the ice creams together would create an irresistible combination. 30 wonderful feeling? I'd feel 31 again. 30 wonderful feeling. I'd feel 31 again.

I was, yeah, so we from time to time, if Jesse is ever out, we do a taste test with, you know, sparkling malt beverages. This year there's kind of been a seltzer theme because that's just kind of the hip new chuggable. And yeah, I have tried the Bud Light seltzers. I find them foul. But maybe I just wasn't putting in enough Baskin Robbins ice cream. I feel like diluting them and forcing yourself to drink more of them to get the desired effect is really a terrible idea.

Boy, I know. And the baffling thing is that you can't buy them at the same store it's a two stop thing if you want to do these yeah and one is gonna be get bad

while you're getting the other one you know what I mean yeah they gotta be close by yeah I'm sending Jesse a picture of the t-shirt I'm wearing

it was just so wild that we are stumbling into this conversation cause I am wearing my ain't no laws when you're drinking claws uh t-shirt and i think it's wild that we stumbled in this combo yeah um confirmed confirmed can confirm are you are you a claw man just oh baby i'll claw claw my way out of a lot of bad places in my life recently i've clawed my way out of the dirt and the muck and the mire i you know i i had a few as a joke uh i think it probably starts for a lot

of people of my of my age group i had a few as a kind of a laugh and i thought i'll have a few more it's pretty funny so far and it and uh i just kept drinking them uh they they are here's what i like easy you open it it's ready to go i love that try that with wine no way you don't you don't need a pen knife to get in there no absolutely where's the corkscrew it doesn't matter toss it in the trash you don't need it anymore also uh fun fruit flavors yep um also they keep putting grapefruit in there nobody wants that please take it out like i'm sorry i got sidetracked i feel like when you reach in i tell my wife any flick she says what flavor claw you want i say oh honey any flavors fine and she brings back grapefruit like god damn it you knew you knew i had an asterisk on there certainly not this there was an implied exclusion obviously i would i could see that being

a functional uh beverage like an orange freeze if you put the if you put the Baskin Robbins into the seltzer. Yeah, I mean, it tastes bad and won't make you drunk. It seems like a very bad combination in that sense. I don't know that you're going to get gut rot long before you'll feel any sort of effects from the alcohol. That's no good. I'd rather just drink ice cream. any sort of effects from the alcohol, that's no good. I'd rather just drink ice cream. I think it is a fair point that given that you probably, if your goal is inebriation,

you're gonna drink three to six of these things. Yeah, and that's- Three to six is a lot of orange freezes. That's rough. I have to amp up the ABV of the claw to get it to where I need to be in my ideal drinking zone. Cause I don't wanna go back upstairs. You know, like that's a tagline of most of my cocktails are

when you don't wanna go back upstairs, you wanna have something that's gonna take care of you for a little while. I have two specialty cocktails that I have invented with White Claws. The first is vodka and White Claw. That's a clodca. And I employ that one

a lot. That's a popular drink around my house lately, the clodca. How much, what's the ratio there? Or is it a, are you just kind of riffing when you're making one of those? Absolutely mood dependent. Four to one vodka to White Claw. I would say ounce and a half to a claw okay something like that it's like you don't want to get silly um and and the the other one is um red wine mixed with white claw it's a white

wine that goes great with fish i hear boy, does that irritate people. You tell them, my brothers get very upset when I tell them I'm drinking a white wine. Because that's a thing already. But that's part of the fun. We're all having fun here. All drinking claws as friends. Justin, I have a question for you here. Do you think it's possible, the thing that's weird about that is not that

it's called a white wine it's that it's a mixture of sparkling malt beverage and red wine uh the effervescence really can bring out the tannins that's my only defense that i have you're gonna you're gonna sometimes i feel like i feel like I can't always taste the terroir. And sometimes I need an elevation of the terroir. And then I really, I can feel, almost taste the terroir. It takes on a texture that I can detect once the white claw has been introduced. The way you say the word T-E-R-R-O-I-R. It's in the fashion of someone who has said it

many, many times before. You certainly only haven't just read it. It sounds like the name of like a late 80s urban crossover act, but like a urban alternative crossover act like a terrence trent darby or a millie vanillie somebody with like half a head of dreadlocks or something as i started saying it out loud for the first time ever in my life with my mouth i started to feel like someone who is returning to their hometown and trying to find their high school like damn

it i knew it was around here somewhere it's gotta be hold on wait i'll find it hold on hold on it's around the box always been here this is different this is new i know i had a jack-in-the-box i went to in high school but i don't think it's this jack-in-the-box might be one of the guys from pm dawn that's that's in a terroir um i had a long weekend trip to palm springs with some friends once that i would describe as uh delightfully trashy and the like poolside drink that we had all weekend was um one part red wine uh big tumbler full of ice cubes and fill the rest with Coke, like full calorie Coca-Cola Coke. Absolutely. And it ruled, I still look back on it as the happiest I've ever been. But for some reason, I haven't tried to replicate, like I have not just poured myself a red wine,

ice cubes and Coke to chill around the house with. Honestly, Jordan, as somebody who has, I'm not a drinker, obviously, but as somebody who has certainly tasted red wine, tasted coke, and you know, I know the capabilities of an ice cube, that really doesn't sound that bad to me. That sounds pretty good to me. Whereas Justin's thing is pretty dicey. Yeah. Like, I tasted one of those Bud Light seltzers you were drinking when we did our bonus content for the Max Fun Drive this year. Right. And it was horrible, and it seems like if Justin had said white wine, I would have said, all right, it's like a white wine spritzer but it tastes a little like dirt yeah that's right that

if if that was if that was what the white wine was it was white wine white claw instead of being then there's no joke then there's no there's no gag there's no gag with the red wine i know jesse i know you're in it for the walls these have to be funny first and good second yeah yeah that actually i started as a as a uh live show drink for me because i wanted something that i wouldn't have to refill constantly but wouldn't make me have to pee uh a lot so it needs to be something rather intense but i i have to have a little bit more control over the drink when When we started doing live shows, it got sloppy because of nerves. So I would drink a lot before the live shows.

And then it got, things got a little, a little rough, started to feel a little out of control on a few shows. Now I have to keep that a little tighter, keep things a little more locked down. When you say a lot, can you remember what a

lot was it wouldn't be impressive to a real drinker because i'm kind of a like i mean i i have a couple of drinks every once in a night every night and uh but i'm not someone who's drinking to excess very frequently at all so i mean we're talking and this is the problem, right? I don't know amounts because I have a red Solo cup that was filled with ice and ginger ale and bourbon, and then it would just kind of get refilled when I needed it to get refilled and constantly thinking like, well, I'm about to go on stage. I better refill it. Then I'd drink half of it and realize,

oh, I'm about to go on stage now for real, so I better really refill it now so I would kind of lose track and, you know just drink too much on stage and just uh i don't think the product suffered i have to be clear for people who bought tickets to those shows i think the product was still great but um i did embarrass myself deeply in front of our touring agents at one point like literally just like mid conversation dropping a glass out of my hand and walking out of the room

as it shattered on the floor uh not like a power move but out of just just treat it like a power move next time it clean that up just go booyah or something like that and then god i miss touring yeah i miss well i miss doing anything but i miss i miss doing live shows in front of people. That was fun. Yeah, anything is really fun. I also miss doing things. Things are really fun. I did not appreciate that until I did know things. Yeah.

Places, events, others. Ugh, others? Get out of town. Are you kidding me? I love others. Honestly, I don't remember what is and isn't fun. Like, I think Zelda is fun. Yeah, Zelda was fun.

But besides that, I got nothing. Guys, I wake up every Sunday morning with a genuine spring in my step because Sunday is clean the house day. And I know that day.

I know that day will have purpose. And I know I will do things on that day, and it's clean the house day. And I feel young again, and I feel elevated and stronger and prettier. And it's just because it's the day where I clean the house. So what is your, can you rank your house cleaning faves? Like, is there, are you like, oh, I can't wait to Swift.

Or are you a, you know, are you a toilet bowl man? What's your, what are your, what are your top chores? I really like, top chores, I really like wiping the counters off. Because that's instant gratification. You know what I mean? You wipe them off and they look great. Ah, fantastic. What I like about that too is there's a good workflow you can get into where you wipe the counters off with a kind of fun verve and passion that isn't really like scooping the crumbs into your hand, but just like wiping them the hell wherever you want to.

And then you get it later with the vacuum. That's what I do with the cat nail clippings. I take great pride in the number of times a day I can run the dishwasher now. That's great. What's your max? What are you up to?

I'm capable of running the dishwasher four times in one day. That's great. That's more than I eat meals. I only eat three meals. Who knows what else is going in that fucker? It's like your Coke spoons. Yeah. I am like, I'm in this weird zone where I am, you know, I like, I kind of like started

a diet before quarantine and decided to kind of try and stick with it so like you know my my cooking was already pretty boring going into it but now it is just like three times more boring like i you know like basically the only thing that works is like a protein and two veggies a protein and two veggies and like you know there's some fun stuff you can do with that, but just like, you know, fucking four months into this, you know, it's just so maddening.

So I'm like, would a stand mixer fix this? Would an air fryer fix this? What, how do I, what, and you know, I have so, I just don't have any counter space in this place. Friar, fix this? How do I? And I just don't have any counter space in this place. I have a pretty small kitchen. My Keurig is teetering on the edge of the counter at all times.

So stuff has always been kind of tough. But next week, I've got a rollable kitchen island coming from Target. And I'm like, okay, I can set some shit on this. And so maybe I can bust out of this weird food limbo that I'm in. See, I've been on a similar thing where it's basically just don't eat stuff that's good, basically. Except for one day of the week which also helps saturday see saturday is is sugar day so saturday i get buck wild that's another day of the week that i don't have to try to remember what day it is because i know if i'm eating buck wild that's saturday um but other than that it's just basically protein and vegetables. And I found myself so, I don't want to work harder at food.

So I've started to add variety by working less hard at it. Like how, I was trying to see like how depraved my meals can get. Like I got in this groove for a while where every day for lunch I would roast some asparagus and I love asparagus because it's the one vegetable that reminds you later that you ate it when you pee and it's like it smells weird it's like oh that's right I did eat some vegetables thank you very much body I appreciate the reminder say hi to the beets later when you poop. Yeah. That's what the asparagus says. So I've got this group where I was like roasting asparagus every day for lunch. And I was like, I have to do something different.

So I decided to experiment with like, am I wasting a step roasting this? Can I just start eating asparagus? Just raw and crunchy. Like, can you do that? Is that allowed? Are you able to do that? can i just skip a step it's fine i mean it's stringy what are you gonna do jesse you you're you i feel like you know a lot about kitchen stuff what what one kitchen item will get me out of my food funk. Oh, you know, the only, there are only a couple of kitchen things that I truly believe in. One of them is an ice cream machine, which is not going to help you with your diet. Not going to do that.

Thank you, though. That's good to know that they're out there. Maybe I'll get to a goal and become ice cream machine guy, but not for the foreseeable future. Yeah. One year for Christmas or something, my wife got me the kind of ice cream machine where the freezer is in the machine, so you don't have to put the thing in the freezer, because my freezer is always full. So I had the kind, our friend, comedian Brent Weinbach, when my wife and I got married, bought us an ice cream machine, which was pretty great gift. Thanks, Brent Weinbach. But the problem was I only have like the small size of refrigerator and freezer and I have a huge family.

And so my freezer is always full. So there was never anywhere to put that canister. So my wife bought the kind that has its own refrigerator. It's basically a refrigerator with a turning engine. And that is stupid expensive. It was like a Christmas, birthday, Father's Day combination. But it is kind of a dream to be able to do that whenever you want. However, that's only if you're a real ice cream nut.

I mean, I'm not just talking about somebody who likes ice cream. I'm talking about me. I'm talking about Dave Shumka. I'm talking about somebody're a real ice cream nut. I mean, I'm not just talking about somebody who likes ice cream. I'm talking about me. I'm talking about Dave Shumka. I'm talking about somebody who truly loves ice cream. The other thing, though, is a good toaster oven. Because a good toaster oven is just an oven that works possibly better than your existing oven, but definitely preheats in like four minutes instead of like 15 minutes.

And it probably has convection on it if you get a good one. So it's essentially an air fryer, especially if you get one with like super convection. So you can bake anything or roast anything, pa-pow, like that, without having to deal with preheating your entire oven and heating up your whole apartment and everything. And that, I found, completely transformed my cooking

because it meant that anytime I felt like roasting some vegetables or something, I could just do it just because I thought of it. I didn't have to plan ahead. You know what I mean? Yeah. Absolutely. That's where the asparagus is getting roasted in the to plan ahead. You know what I mean? Yeah. Absolutely. That's where the asparagus is getting roasted in the toaster oven. Oh.

Got to. Bingo, bingo. What are you doing on that, Justin, when you throw it in the oven? Are you putting, is it garlic on there, lemon pepper, or do you have any seasoning? You know what? I don't get fancy. A little bit of oil, salt, and pepper. That's it.

That's it. It's a simple combo. That's in the old days when i used to take care of myself now i'm uh some sort of barn animal and i just reach into the bag and shove it into my gob yeah i'll tell you i'll tell you what's good for these times is get yourself a like a carbon steel pan or a cast iron pan something that requires a lot of upkeep because this is the moment yeah like this is right this is the moment where you need cookware that's also a hobby and i and i've

something that you're gonna need to nurse and care for i you do not know how many times i've snuck up behind my wife while she's washing my cast iron pan with soap and just screamed at the top of my lungs god no the seasoning, the seasoning, please, the seasoning, what are you doing? You know the rules. Yeah, I kind of thought I would become cast iron pan guy a couple years back, and I got one, and just like, I'm like,

if I wanted to take care of something like this, I would find a Tamagotchi. Like, that is, this is... There is no... Okay, so, guys, I don't, look, I'm not trying to be cast iron pan guy here but you don't need to take care of a cast iron pan all you have to do is just not put it away wet that's the only that's the only thing you just cook with it that makes it seasoned it's so easy no because you have to walk it or dad says that that was your Christmas present.

And if he ends up walking the pan, he's going to be real mad. Yeah, that's fair. I have found myself saying that a few times to the kids about the pan. I know. Kids like, oh, get us a pan. We'll take care of it. We'll take care of it. You know you're going to end up taking care of that pan.

I'll probably end up taking care of the pan. You'll probably end up taking care of the pan.'ll probably you'll probably end up taking care of the pan i like an immersion blender oh yeah my sister-in-law got me an immersion blender uh when when she got me in the uh in the in the hossfeld family uh secret santa a few years ago and i wasn't really sure what you could do with immersion blender. You can't do with a regular blender. And there's not that many things, but I'll tell you what one thing you can do is if you get a jar, that's just a little bigger at the mouth than the head of the immersion

blender and immersion blender, like a stick blender, you know, it's the kind where, where the blades are on the end of a, let's be frank, a vibrating dildo. Um,

Jesse, ew. Jesse, ew. Come on. the end of a let's be frank a vibrating dildo um jesse ew jesse ew come on so bad but my man my man kenji lopez alt uh from serious eats he's got this recipe for making mayonnaise again this is not going to help you guys with your diets no but he's got this recipe for making mayonnaise that's basically like you put the mayonnaise shit in a jar that's a little bigger than the head of your immersion blender and shove the immersion blender in there and i had never successfully made mayonnaise i just don't have the patience for the drizzling and the checking and the separating and the whatever but all you put in this jar just go and all of a sudden you have beautiful homemade mayonnaise, which

is a real pleasure. Thank you. Who had the rap air horn at Brian? Are you dropping sound effects into this thing now? Brian, how could you? I thought this was a show for professionals. Yeah, now play Austin Powers

saying, yeah, baby. My wife. That's good. That's good, too. That's what we need. More drops. What the fuck? That's it.

Get in the chopper. That's all I got. Let's get to the chopper. Get to the chopper. That's good, too. Yeah. Man. Although, if you don't get in the chopper get to the chopper that's good too yeah man although if you don't get in the chopper

there wasn't much point yeah you have to go to the chopper but not actually get in we just go to the chopper and stand there like what now meet me near the chopper answer a series of three riddles

I had a question for you but i couldn't ask you when i was too far away because of the noise of the chopper are you okay not riding in the chopper it's kind of full what's your favorite kitchen appliance carl weathers carl weathers also in predator yeah that's fun look let's take a quick break we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Hey, guess what, Jordan? We are, of course, brought to our audience every week by all the members of MaximumFun.org. This week, we are also supported by a rival podcast, Vote the Podcast. Yes, a podcast with near identical content to ours. It's about voting and elections. Yes, just like this show. Just like Jordan, Jesse, go. When things in this world feel like they're going off the rails, take some solace in a

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to shorter poll lines and the health of our nation, why it's wrongfully controversial, and what to look out for in your state. Your boy right here is permanent absentee, baby. Oh yeah, you gotta vote by mail, that way you don't have to hang out in a high school gym. You know what, once in a while I'll fill it out, I'll save it, and I'll walk down to the high school gym and hand it in. This year I shan't be doing that. But once in a while, I do like to stop by the polling place because I

also used to work for the Department of Elections in San Francisco. Regular Jordan Jesse Go listeners know about that. They know about how I used to get a $1.75 bond me in the tenderloin. Vote the podcast. It's available now. Subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to this podcast. Just search vote exclamation point the podcast. I'm, you know who I'm voting for Jordan this year? Who? Whoever promises to lower the prices of Bon Me. Yeah, they've gotten a little pricey. Somehow they became like a luxury food. It used to be $1.75, $2.25 if you wanted extra pate. I don't know. Yeah, that's just reality, I guess. That's the way things go in the world.

We've also got a couple messages up on the Jumbotron. Here's a message for George, Kreth, and not Harry from Sam. The message is this. George, you are the best. You have brought light and love to this world just like the fart and poop jokes on this show it's more like dick and ball jokes but whatever also you again honestly i don't mind fart jokes but i don't like poop jokes yeah so uh hey listener who wrote this jumbotron to take to another pass at this oh and there's another

message also you again are a baby yeah take that george so that's from george cref and not harry not harry uh we've also got one more for brett yes you brett from elizabeth it's from Elizabeth. Happy birthday, love of my life. Thank you for sharing your life and your interests with me. Thanks for lighting up my days with your laughter and kindness and goodness. Oh, two ands, huh, Elizabeth? Maybe you should take a second pass at this thing.

Yeah, people, oh boy. Writing is rewriting, you know? That's what that, you gotta, oh boy. gonna send you stephen king's on writing and you gotta have a ritual you gotta have a daily ritual every day and also your wife helped you kick your cocaine habit in the 80s you're eternally grateful to her stephen king's on writing it's a beautiful love story in addition to being a wonderful how-to guide I like the Myra Kalman illustrated edition of Strunk and White

so there you go Jumbotron writers you got a lot of good options there or just check in with Clippy see what the fuck he has to say see what Clippy would tell you that we don't do fart and poop jokes on the show as much as we do dick and ball jokes. Bare minimum, he'd tell you you have two ands in there.

Sure. Are you writing a jumbotron? It looks like you're writing a jumbotron. Maybe I can help you with that. Yeah, from now on, all jumbotrons are going to come in via macros. Microsoft Word macros. Yeah, it's the only way we can read them. Honestly, I don't know what a macro is, but... It's hard to say.

Maybe mail merge? I've done a mail merge before. A lot of fun programs out there. Yeah. Okay. If we get a Jumbotron from... You know in Ski Free, there's that Yeti that picks his teeth after he eats you?

Oh yeah, that motherfucker. I'd love to get one from that guy. That would be really fun. I'd gladly take his $100. He's a legend. The Yeti from Ski Free. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron if you want to get up on the Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am Justin McElroy. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, hey, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm here. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, baby. Play the Seinfeld bass line now. This is great. We need to integrate this into the show. Fucking saved my bacon so many times, guys. I don't know. it fucking has saved my bacon so many times guys i don't know uh i before we before we get into our next topic i do want to issue a quick apology please

so last week on the program we were joined by our friend elliot kalin from the flop house and elliot kalin also happens to be uh on my quarantineren team. The Kalen family are our children. We have two children of similar age, two sets of children of similar age, and they have a pool. So we go over there, we mask up and hang out together. And that's my time out of the house and my social time is hanging out with Elliot Kalen. So I happened to be at Elliot's house at the pool the other day. I was talking to Elliot and he said, oh, by the way, my parents have a Google alert for my name. Now, first of all, we should all be so lucky as to have parents who have a Google alert for our name. You know, unless we're like on the lam or something.

That's a great compliment that our parents would care that much. But apparently, Elliot's parents got a Google alert for Elliot's appearance on Jordan Jesse Go last week. And he said his mom called him and let him know that she had given it a listen and it certainly wasn't for her. And I said, Elliot, do they listen to The Flophouse? And he said, oh, no.

I don't know why they listen to Jordan Jesse Coe. So I just want to, I'm sure they're still listening. They're probably subscribed now i just wanted to apologize to mr and mrs kalen elliot kalen's parents uh for upsetting them and i hope that we made it up to you this week with the cock and ball torture talk oh yeah you know i i'm i've met mrs and mr and mrs. Kalen once or twice, and they're nasty. I'm sorry, I've never met them. I'm sure they're great.

That's Mrs. Kalen if you're nasty. Raised a wonderful son. Hey, it's the Max Fund Drive gang. It sure is. Get that money. Hey, I thought you said you were out of sound effects. Hey, I thought you said you were out of sound effects I mean, I have a Jimmy Buffett clip And Paul Stanley yelling Toronto

But it didn't seem appropriate I'm sure those will come up organically Yeah, I say let's go all Canadian on this MaxFunDrive Oh, sure Let's do a Toronto or bust It's the MaxFunDrive All the shows on MaximumFun.org are

primarily supported by people who join up and give a little bit of money every month. Consider it a tip. A tip for the podcasters who do the shows, for all the producers, for all the people working behind the scenes. It totally means a lot.

And yeah, we know that money's a little bit weird lately and no hard feelings if you can't join this year. But if you can, if you do have a little bit of extra scratch laying around and you like this show and you like all the other shows on MaxFun, if you want to see them continue, go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

Lots of levels you can give at. Anybody who gives gets a bunch of really, really cool bonus content. Almost 200 hours now, we've been informed. We mentioned our drinking game bonus content that's up there for people. Justin, have any of your shows, have you guys dropped any sweet bonuses? Bonies? We did.

Sawbones, we did an episode of kids' medical questions with our daughter. Cute. But also Sydney and I created a podcast for this year's MaxFunDrive where we sort of stream of consciousness review every Fast and Furious movie

as we watch them. No one has never watched them. It's called Fast and Furious and Justin and Sydney. That is only for MaxFun donors. The first four episodes are live on the bonus page right now. You're going chronologically?

Yes. So these exist both as podcast episodes and essentially as real-time commentary tracks? Well, no, because we only turn the mics back on when we have something worthwhile to say. They usually end up about a fourth of the running time of the actual film the rest is just my wife staring in disbelief you don't have you you have you don't have uh like intense quality control like the films themselves do uh no no it's intense quality time though for us as a couple so i will say that i'm sure at the end of this whole ordeal because you've watched you know nine fast and furious movies you guys will finally know the value of family you would think so but we're we are currently um six in and my wife still doesn't

like them and i'm starting to worry seven's gonna turn her i I think seven is when... I kept saying this is the one where they get really good. This is the one. I've read about this. This is the one where they get great. And she still does not enjoy it. It's all just prologue. It's all leading up to this moment

where The Rock flexes out of a cast and grabs a drone out of the air. I think that's six. I think that happens in six. Do you have a favorite, Justin? You know, I had only, before we did this show, I had only watched up to four. So they were brand new to me.

I still, at this point, have not seen seven and eight. So I'm pretty excited about that. Fast Five is the only one I've seen. And to answer your question, i do not have a favorite they have all blended into one singular film for me uh so i i can't really tell them apart i have to read plot descriptions on wikipedia the day after it's just a giant neon billboard that blinks and just says the word loyalty. Right. Exactly. So, okay.

So not only are you getting Justin and Sydney's mini series about the fast and furious franchise, you get in the JJ go drinking game and a little bit, our, our loyal producer, Brian Fernandez is going to throw up a Walton Goggins spectacular episode that we did with Dan and Stu from the Flophouse. A lot of good stuff. And everybody who donates gets all that bonus content.

Oh, you know what? We did an Avengers Run episode, a live one that we just put up. It was the first game that I ever ran. And it was a game that I created called Lords of Crunch about serial mascots vying for supremacy in a dimension where they live so like boo berry yeah i cannot reveal this time if boo berry is or is not appearing in lords of crunch uh but the three of them created their own serial mascots and they uh battle for for uh dominion over the the karyis, which is the name of the dimension that serial mascots live in.

I am biting my lip right now because I don't want to spoil the big Quisp twist. I wish. I tried to get Quisp and Quake in there. They were too expensive. Oh, you licensed the rest of them. Maximumfun.org slash join. And so if you're comfortable with $10 a month, good news.

Not only do you get to choose a pin from your favorite show, but if you donate at that $10 level, you can purchase additional pins, and some of that money goes to charity. So MaximumFun.org slash join. Ten bucks a month, you can get not only a pin of your choice, but all the other ones you want, too. So pins aplenty for ten bucks a month. Yeah, every single penny of the net. We have to pay to make the pins and mail them to you.

But every single penny of the net will go to COVID-19 relief this year. So we're very proud of that. In the past, we've raised over $100,000 each year, pretty much. And it's been pretty extraordinary. So we're very proud of our audience and our members for making that happen. Hopefully, we can make it happen again this year. All you got to do, sign up at MaximumFun.org slash join at $10 a month or above. You get to pick a pin that we'll send to you at our expense. And then if you want more, you can buy them and all the proceeds goes to charity. Yeah. So thank you so much to everybody

who's already donated. It's a weird time to be asking for money for sure, but all the kind of good vibes and positivity that kind of spring up around the MaxFunDrive have been awesome, and I know I have particularly needed those good vibes this year. So, yeah, thanks so much to

everybody who's not only donating but just kind of out there posting about how much they like the shows. It really feels great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

They call me Justin McElroy. Toronto! They call me Justin McElroy. Toronto! Hey, Justin, is it true that sometimes to change your attitude, you have to change your latitude? Oh, you're going to regret it. I was setting you up for the Buffett one. This one's pretty long.

For a day. Off to see the lizard. Off to see the lizard. Day shot, day shot, day shot. see the lizard off to see the lizard deja deja deja believe it and it will come true deja deja deja do what works for me might work

for you I do not regret it at all I regret nothing yeah it's pretty fun from now on we're only having guests that bring their own sound effects to the show, so it's either Justin or Michael Winslow. I have one more button here labeled Taint. Hold on.

Taint Tanning. Oh, Taint Tanning. That was from our episode about Taint Tanning. The board actually came preloaded. Oh, it's a pre-fab? The board came preloaded with one button, the red button, which i've never had the guts to change and it's just called intro outro okay and this song okay i'm just gonna give you a sample hold on

and i guess yeah i guess what i have always thought about that goes on for as long as you want it to. What I've always thought about that is like, how little do you care about your podcast, radio show, et cetera, where you say, what music do I want for this? Ah, whatever fucking song is already preloaded on my soundboard and labeled intro, outro. I'm just going to push that one. That's fine.

It'll be fine, right? Yeah. I'd like to know if there's a person out there who's like, I haven't pushed this button yet, but if I push it, I hope it's a second-rate instrumental version of Andrew WK's signature hit. Presses play and he's like, ah, just dissimilar enough. I had a job once where I had to paw through library music, like, you know, that kind of, you know, you pay to be part of the library

and you can get this kind of royalty-free music to drop into your, in this case, low-budget cable TV segment. And, you know, if you typed in the artist, you would get, if you typed in a well-known artist, you would get things that were similar. So I was looking for something disco, so you typed in a well-known artist, you would get things that were similar. So I was looking for something disco, so I typed in Village People

and got this song called Big Man on the Block. And I will always remember Big Man on the Block. It had this kind of generic disco beat and then this terrifying voice came on and sang the lyrics, I'm the big man on the block. Here I come. Here I come. I hear it in my dreams and I wake up screaming, big man on the block. He's coming. He's coming for us all.

on the block. He's coming. He's coming for us all. Well, when the big man on the block comes for you, I think that qualifies as a momentous occasion. You can call us when something momentous happens to you at 206-984-4FUN

or you can just send a voice memo to jjgoe at maximumfun.org Here's our first call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and let's get weird, Kyle Kinane. Hi, guys. My name's Will from Pittsburgh, and I am currently headed to my final PMS treatment, which stands for transcranial magnetic stimulation. That's where they put a magnet on my head to make my brain work. It has changed my life, pulled me out of the depths of depression, anxiety, and OCD, and

made me feel human again. And that's it. I wanted to share it with you guys. Thanks, y'all. Have a good show. Yeah, that's dope. Congratulations. Yeah, y'all. Have a good show. Yeah, that's dope. Congratulations. Yeah, good for you.

I wonder what kink term that acronym is also for. What was it, TCM? I mean, it's actually just the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. Just but sexy.

It was TCM, right? So that's also Turner Classic Movies. That's my kink. TCM, right? So that's also Turner Classic Movies. That's my kink. I have a TENS device, transdermal electro neural stimulator, something like that. Something along those lines for my migraines.

And I remember trying to research it and mostly sex stuff came up. Hmm. It shoots electricity into my brain. But people are also using that same thing to shoot electricity into their zones, their erogenous zones. People are shooting electricity into various parts of their body for various reasons. And it makes it confusing and difficult to try and find the specific electronic shooting that you need to do for to control your chronic pain gotcha have you is this something that you could in a sanitary way put onto you know one of your nasty areas yeah absolutely it might be a little intense um but when it comes to CBT, I'll try anything.

Oh, yeah. Sure. I mean, this all falls under the banner of CBT, right? Mm-hmm. You bet. It's a wide banner, much like the sea itself. Shall we take another call? Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. I am at my boyfriend's parents' house for the first time. It's also where my boyfriend grew up

and just had sex twice in a race car bed. Have a good one. Vroom, vroom. Vroom. Yeah. Congratulations.

High octane. High cocktane? Is that anything? Listen, it's as much a thing as anything else that happens on this show. It would be weird to realize, huh, I think the race car bed is making me harder. Huh. Huh. Interesting. The human brain is just amazing, isn't it?

It's a true miracle, Jordan. A true miracle. It's a real miracle. A real miracle. How, I wonder, geez, how, I wonder if you can get, how many positions you can do in a race car bet. I would think that it would be limiting.

I imagine it being small and having like high sides. I feel like sleep would be the hardest position. Sure. Two person sleep. Right. Something, something, dick trickle. Also works. You get it.

I do get it. You get it. Do your own first part of it. Then use my second part. Have fun at home. Yeah, it. Do your own first part of it. Then use my second part. Have fun at home. Yeah, it's like Mad Libs. That's right. That reminds me of my-

They've won the home game. You know when you're with someone who says, I could say something here about Dick Trickle, but I won't. That's code for I can't come up. I know there's a joke here. I can't come up. I know there's a joke here. I can't get it. So yeah. Insert your own dick trickle reference here.

How about you do it for me? Funny man. When something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

These parts used to know me as Justin McElroy. Now what do they know you as? Still Justin McElroy, but they used to. Thank you for being so thorough. Yeah. I like to get all the temporal points pinned down when I find out what someone's called. Hey, listen, it's the MaxFunDrive, and we're encouraging people to go to MaximumFun.org slash join and throw some money down to support this podcast and all the other podcasts on

the network. So I know a lot of additional plugging is probably not a good idea, but while we have Justin here, I do want to encourage people to check out the new Adventure Zone graphic novel. And if you haven't, there's a third one. If you haven't checked out any of them, start now. What else are you doing? Jerk off.

Start those Adventure Zone comics because they're so cool. They're so fun and funny and sweet. And I just love them. So yeah, definitely. Thanks, Jordan. Yeah, no problem. They're out there. Adventure Zone. They're comics there the adventure zone they're

comics get them they're good i think that your endorsement uh go get one jerk off was really in the spirit of the work as well i put it on the cover of the next one yeah justin you guys you guys probably would have been out at like comic cons and stuff uh at this point right oh yeah i'm getting calendar reminders of all the cool things I was supposed to be doing. It's rough. Oh, well. What can you do? What can you do?

Just have a virtual event instead, I guess. And everyone loves a virtual event. I mean, it went better than I thought it would. People were very nice about it, I will say. It feels weird. You know what feels weird? The vibe I've had to get used to is posting up jokes and then being met with only silence. It used to happen to me a lot in middle school.

I'm having to try to re-acclimate to that again. Just retreat into your go-gurt. Yeah, exactly. Well, Justin, we're grateful you made time for us and stayed up for us there in beautiful West Virginia. We're recording in the evening Pacific time, which is the late evening where you live. Oh, yeah. The kids are asleep. It's time for daddy to play.

Nintendo Switch. Cool. asleep it's time for daddy to play nintendo switch cool hey kids you like captain toad's treasure tracker well it doesn't matter because you're asleep uh hey maximumfun.org uh slash join uh tons of cool stuff you can get. All of this bonus content we've been gabbing about. 200 hours worth. A lot of cool, fun, weird stuff that hosts don't normally do on their show. And, yeah, a bunch of other cool Pledge Drive gifts. $10 a month. You can get a pin from your favorite show.

And the ability to buy any amount of pins you so desire maximum fund.org slash join. And as we mentioned before, all that, uh, all those sweet, sweet pin bucks, uh, go to charity,

uh, which I think we can all feel good about. At least most of us, some of us might be child criminal mastermind, Artemis foul. Yes. Oh, I don't have any Artemis Fowl. Yes. Oh, I don't have any Artemis Fowl knowledge. I can break off.

My daughter has been watching the Artemis Fowl movie over and over lately. And so I have not actually watched it with her, but I have overheard it. And I can confirm that every character, including Judi Dench, talks like this for no reason. It's a great Judi Dench impression. It's an all-Batman movie.

Everybody is the Christian Bale Batman. Yeah, Kenneth Branagh, who directed it, Sir Kenneth Branagh, who directed it, was just said to Dame Judi Dench. Dame Judi Dench. I know what good actors do because we're both that. They talk like this for no reason. You too, Josh Gad. My dad tried to get me into those books a few years back. He said, you're going to love these. It's about a boy thief.

And I remember saying to him out loud, but I'm a man. I'm a man, daddy. I never read him. I'm a man. I'm one of the men thieves. Big old adult thieves out there stealing full-size treasures. Now I'm a man. I read grown-up thief books.

Man with a book. Ma-ma-ma-ma-man. Something here about Michael Mann's inaugural film, Thieves, starring James Caan. Oh, that's a great movie. How about just, that's a great movie with a great Tangerine Dream soundtrack. Da-da-da-da-da. A really confident introduction from a first

time film director. With a bold period aesthetic. Talk about cliched needle drops, huh? I mean, how many movies have you heard that in? Find a new tough guy song, am I right? Well, Justin, it's been a joy thank you very much i'm sure

most of our listeners already listened to my brother my brother and me in the adventure zone and sawbones uh among many other mackleroy products and amusements uh but if they don't they should and as i mentioned star of trolls world tour uh congratulations on that get it on digital or don't i don't get a dime either way our producer is brian sunny d fernandez we are online at maximumfund.org we are on twitter at jordan underscore morris at jesse thorn you can find us on reddit maximumfund.reddit.com there's also a max fun group on facebook. You can like JordanJesseGo on Facebook where we share important news

of the day, such as Wario's 20th birthday. Waluigi's 20th birthday. I don't mean to correct you, witch evil. Look, at least we all know he's green. Jesse, oh boy. Oh man. Oh boy.

R.I.P. your menchies. Wah. I'm green and I'm Artemis Finch. He doesn't. Oh boy. Oh, you fucked up nine things in that sentence. Oh, wah is right. Oh boy.

Please send your corrections to J.d power and associates at jd power on twitter we'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse go maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported