Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 649: From Mouse to Man with Mike Mitchell

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Mike Mitchell (Doughboys podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the classic movies Mitch has been watching during the pandemic, Jordan's visit to a nutritionist that took him on a search for an apolitical bean, and Jesse's struggle to resist his natural NPR tendencies to get into birding. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, aka the Haritos Kid, aka el Rey del Mineragua, aka the Mandarina Duck, aka Sandia Koufax, Tamarindo Supremo aka Mr. Jamaica 2020 aka the Fresa Prince of Bel Air aka Tutti Frutti Gigante

Sounds like somebody got a value pack of Haritos. Yeah, I was just thinking about how much I like Haritos so I decided to write a list of names about Haritos Haritos go on Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, I mean, Haritos go on Jordan Jesse Go. Topo Chico go on Comptown.

What's your top Haritos? I mean, since I kicked soda a couple years ago, you know, like the occasional drink of soda is like is painfully sweet to me. I just kind of lost the taste for it. So, you know, like, you know, once in a while I'll, you know, have a have a sip of Coke with a slice of pizza or at the movies or something but in general the like the like you know your average soda sweetness is uh too intense for me back in the day mandarin all the way big mandarin guy um but yeah but now i think it's just the uh the standard mini ragua i happen to be enjoying a mini ragua right now um and that's my that's my regular go-to day to day. But if I happen to be out and about, like let's say I'm at the restaurant down on the corner from my house, La Abeja,

and there is Tutti Frutti available. Tutti Frutti is my number number one it is sickeningly sweet but i feel like the big bubbles somehow cut the sweetness in a way that i love and i love i love it with a with a spicy food do you say oh oh rudy ever yeah i say oh oh rudy yeah cool well that's that's good. That closes the loop then. You know, our guest on this week's program is a bit of a food and drinking expert himself. He is one of the hosts of the smash hit podcast, The Doughboys, which if you haven't heard, it is a little bit like Jordan Jesse Goh, if Jordan Jesse Goh had a premise and people liked it. He is also a gifted actor, a longtime member of the comedy group The Birthday Boys. Please welcome to the program Mr. Michael Mitchell.

Hi, Mike. That was the nicest intro. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here. And also, this is one of the most legendary podcasts of all time, and I'm honored to be here anytime I come on. I guess that's why we got that Kennedy Center honor, right?

Is that why? No, it's because Chappelle said he wasn't going to show up. But I think it's still worth taking. We also got a Thurber. We got one of those Thurber prizes. Oh, have you been holding out on me? Send me my Thurber, dude.

Is it at your house? Yeah, what happened is they wanted to give it to Sedaris, but Sedaris was busy cleaning up garbage on the side of the road in the small town in England that he lives in. Yeah, he's a good guy. And so they said, well, what about the second greatest humorists in America, Jordan Jesse Goh? Well, that's nice.

I'm glad we're always there when someone more famous cancels. Yeah. Hey, you ready for me to win you another one right now? Oh, get... Yeah? Oh, I can't have enough Thurbers in here. Get us another one, baby. Haritos go to the polls.

Right. Yes. We're tired of Pokemon going to the polls. It's time for Haritos to go there. Jordan, can I tell you one other award we won? We won a Cable Ace Award, but it's because Brian Ben-Ben from Dream On's wife was in labor. Yeah, I mean, back in the day,

our show was a good source of uh cable tv nudity right yeah absolutely i have a i have a question please yeah is there a like a podcast version of the razzies you know what i mean like uh oh right and i'm gonna i'm gonna throw this i'm gonna throw this out there as maybe the name for it the waxiesaxies. Okay, I'm maybe not quite following it. Why is it called the Waxies? I like that you said it with such conviction. Oh, I thought maybe you were recording Doughboys on vinyl. Maybe we're under the impression that all podcasts were pressed onto wax.

Yeah, okay. So, yeah, so if there is a podcast, Razzies, the Waxies. Yeah, look, there's a lot of kinks that need to be worked out. I'm spitballing here. No, I mean, that's what they say. No bad ideas in brainstorming.

No bad ideas on Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. No good ideas on Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, that's okay. That's another thing no ideas that's fair uh mitch speaking of movies but rather good ones uh i wanted to tell you how impressed i was um uh with a practice that you have a quarantine practice that you have that i find very amiable um we're on a text chain where we're

texting about what movies we're watching and for the past couple weeks mike mitchell has been all fucking stone cold classics if you're if you're out there watching junk you're certainly not reporting it back to us maybe you're like secretly watching Fast and Furious movies or something and just not telling everybody. But with you, it's been all classics, and I want to know what put you on that kick, and what have you discovered that's been good?

Well, okay. So, I started doing this for an embarrassing reason, which is that I haven't seen a lot of classics. Like, coming out to Los Angeles, I feel like you guys could maybe relate, or getting into the comedy scene, you guys could relate to this of like,

oh, I'm so interested in comedy, I would eat everything up, read everything. I mean, not actual comedy food that was created. I wasn't ordering like Blues Brothers bars or anything. Right, you only ate banana peels and rubber chicken. was created i wouldn't i wasn't ordering like blues brothers bars or anything i'm saying i would only eat banana peels and rubber chicken i was every i was consuming every bit of comedy right yes and i was like really studying it and i and i also like loved movies when i was in film school and i would watch movies and like really explore new ones and then when i got out here and

started working in comedy i was just like i just kind of stopped doing that and i still love movies but there's just there's so many that i haven't seen and i have i have tons of blind spots to some some great films uh so i i decided with quarantine that i was gonna i was gonna knock out some of these stone cold classics the ones that are three hours plus. You know what I mean? I'm trying to do all of them. And I still have a long ways to go. But, you know, Strangers on a Train.

Oh, yeah, sure. I watched Rope this week. Last Temptation of Christ. Ed Wood, which is a newer one I had never seen. Oh, you've never seen Ed Wood, huh? I'd never seen Ed Wood. That's one of my all-time faves. What a cool... I've never seen Ed Wood. Really? Oh, it's great. Yeah, you got never seen Ed Wood, huh? I've never seen Ed Wood. That's one of my all-time faves. What a cool...

I've never seen Ed Wood. Really? Oh, that's great. Yeah, you gotta, man. Yeah, you gotta watch it. It's on my list. Jesse, you've never seen Ed Wood? No, I've seen Strangers on a Train.

No, see, the issue with this list is that I feel like a goon for not having seen a lot of the... I mean, Ed Wood is just one of many that I feel like a goon for not having seen a lot of the... I mean, Ed Wood is just one of many that I haven't seen, and I would never judge anyone for not seeing any of these, but Eraserhead, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly I watched, Unforgiven, Hardcore, a bunch of them. I watched tons of these movies. Part of the reason why I find this so impressive is that,

and I think this is something everybody can relate to like you know the world being like it is everyone to a certain extent we're all kind of like you know teetering on an emotional ledge all the time um yeah and and i think some part of the reason why I sometimes am afraid to switch on a classic is that they can be challenging. And I'm just worried that a movie is going to challenge me in a way that will upset my delicate balance. I almost had an existential crisis watching Palm Springs the other day. Wow. A lighthearted romantic comedy. Right.

It's got some shit in there, though. Yeah, it does have some shit in there. That was a good movie. I enjoyed that movie. The Paul Schrader movies are definitely ones where I'm like, this is tough to watch right now, and I maybe shouldn't have done this. You're just like, tomorrow I'm watching The Sting. But honestly, it's been great, and a lot of the times I'm afraid a movie will be homework.

Yeah. And then I get going on it and I'm like, that wasn't homework at all. It was a blast. I definitely did. I, like you, had not seen Eraserhead until this year. And I will put on Eraserhead the other day. And definitely was like, well, that was a mistake. Now I think that death is the only release.

Oh, that's the ultimate escape is death. Oh, look at that. And there's a woman who lives in the radiator, I think. Anyway. I thought it was kind of funny, but I don't know if maybe like the little baby puppet really just got me for whatever reason, but I was, let me tell you, Jordanordan i had a grin from ear to ear i was really just enjoying myself yucking it up during a racer head huh jordan i gotta tell you this um if you die you might get

a sweet release but you won't get to watch the sting tomorrow that's true i won't get to watch The Sting tomorrow. That's true. I won't get to enjoy someone building a fake casino. I've never seen The Sting. So for all I know, it could be a B-related movie. It could be like B-movie. Seinfeld's B-movie. The B-movie is actually a remake of The Sting. Oh, that's what it is. B-movie.

Did I call it Bee Movie or no? You didn't. You called it Bee Movie. All right, phew. This is all tracked perfectly. Sorry, Mr. Seinfeld. Mike, great news. First of all, thanks for showing him the respect he deserves.

I call him Gerald for the same reason. We're not familiar with each other. Mike, while you're on this kick of watching all these classic movies, treat yourself to The Sting. Have a nice little palate cleanser. That's one of the most delightful movies ever made. And it's a classic movie. But it's a classic movie where nothing upsetting happens the whole time.

Going right on my list right now. Unless you find confidence men to be upsetting in principle. You know what? I kind of do. You don't want to be tricked. Listen, I don't want to be tricked. Do you like being tricked, Jesse? Yeah, that's fair.

I don't like being tricked. But that's a reason to hate magicians, not confidence men. I said Mandarin Orange, right, is the best Doritos. I got to say that again in case I didn't say it. Oh, yeah, sure. Thank you, Mike. We do, yeah. I mean, it is a great, it's the best of all orange sodas, I would say.

And I generally like, I like orange sodas. I like really sweet sodas. I like grape soda, too. I can only drink about half a can before my teeth start to fall out. But I like those super sweet fruity sodas. So you're saying squirt, cactus cooler, that area? Oh, okay, yeah. Well, squirt's got a little kick to it, though.

I'm talking about like a Fanta. Okay, yeah, yeah. I had a childhood friend, shout out to Court Gaspar, who called diarrhea Hershey squirts. Oh, God. And for that reason, I have never been able to enjoy the soda squirt

because Hershey squirt is lodged in my brain so thoroughly. Wow. Oh, man. Jordan, I have basically the exact opposite experience. My childhood best friend, Peter Fraunfelder, who you've met before, he was a guest on Jordan, Jesse Go, Pete Fields. I think I don't really remember because I had diarrhea, but my friend Pete at his house on Elsie Street in Bernal Heights, he always had a 12-pack of squirt in the refrigerator. And no one else in my life had soda in the fridge.

But his dad just loved squirt. His dad, Mark. And so there was always squirt in there. And he would, like, hand me a squirt when i came over to like slake my thirst from having climbed up the very tall hill that he lived on and i i like to this day i see a squirt and i'm flooded with fond nostalgic feelings for my childhood like it is a pure uh proust's madeline for me man wow i'm sorry I told that diarrhea story then. Jeez, man. If I didn't fuck this up for you.

Well, I mean, my childhood was pretty shitty overall. I was going to say this is that squirt has like no, there's no chocolate syrup or anything in it that would make you feel, it's the opposite. I mean, if anything, if it had been a piss story or something, this would be like more damning. But if you just open a squirt and you pour it into a glass, Jordan, you'll see that this is nothing to worry about. You got to try a squirt.

I got to. You know what? It's time. It's time that I stopped living in the past. It's time that I stopped obsessing over my childhood traumas. It's time. It's time. It's time for your boy to have himself a squirt. I'm going to do it guys. I'm going to have me a squirt. I love it. Why don't you just work to associate it with, it's like, it's like hypnotists can't take away a habit without introducing a substitute, you know?

Like you quit smoking, but then you always have a toothpick in your mouth or whatever. Introduce a positive association. The one that comes to mind for me is semen, but just something that you feel good about. Wait, so I should stop thinking of squirt as diarrhea and as a kind of a sweet drinkable cum? Yeah, like a seminal refresher.

Sure. I agree with this. That's actually what I've done in my head. Good job, Mike. So we're on the same page about that. Throw in a little tequila you got yourself a cummy summer cocktail the squirt in squirt and cactus cooler and uh the bottled coca-cola to me are such a taco like if you're at a taco stand that's what that's the beverages that will be on

that uh the list for list for possible beverages. Those are some big three ones. And of course, you can get a jamaica and you can get a horchata. Oh, yeah. Sure. I'm talking canned or bottled. But I have to say this. A big part of my emotional energy, I would say upwards of 1% in 2020, is dedicated to seeing the explosion of Topo Chico, the huge popularity,

including English language advertising for Jarritos, and the near total absence of Peña Fel. I feel so bad for Peña Fel these days. I don't think I know who that is. Peña Fel is like a J a haritos analog but it's mineral water okay i thought it was a guy no it's like a lighter refreshing it's wait it is it's a lighter refreshing topo chico no no it's it's well there there is a there's a there's a flavorless one that's equivalent to topo chico it's like a mineral water and and a much more minerally

mineral water than like the Haritos mineral water, which doesn't really have much non-water taste. But then it also has fruity soda drinks, but they also have a little bit of mineraliness to them. They're very nice. Very nice drinks. They don't come in as good of bottles

though, I will say. They come in pretty regular plastic bottles. I think that is something that has been kind of left behind in the seltzer craze is minerals. I think that we now think of a sparkling water as a non-mineraled beverage. But yeah, I love the mineraliness of those. Give me more minerals. You know what? I get really mad at Perrier for tasting too much

like dirt. Okay. That's too many minerals, you think? For me. You know, I agree. There's some of these minerally... I drink, not Perrier, but LaCroix. When I have a LaCroix, I think that that makes me... I've said this before, but it makes me more thirsty. It dries me out. Wow. Do I sound like a crazy person? No, not at all. I totally get that. I have to like, because, you know, like the bottle or the can of the sparkling water or the mineral water, like it looks so appealing. Like you look at that and you're like, that's going to fucking kick my thirst right in the dick. But I do have to stop and tell myself, I'm like, wait, drink a little bit of regular water first

and then enjoy that because I also agree that I don't think it makes me less thirsty. But yeah, that's the issue. It's like a hot summer's day. Not a nice hot summer's day, like a hot summer's day not a nice hot summer's day but a hot summer's day i'm reaching for a lacroix and it's not doing the job you know what i mean it doesn't it it doesn't do it and topo chico i think does less minerals i would i would you know that's so interesting i would topo chico is more mineral

yeah i would i would guess it would be more mineral. Listen, I'm not a mineral expert, okay? I'm not a geologist over here. Sure. You know what I want? I want to buy a Topo Chico one day and just see a solid rock sitting in that bottle. Yeah. What's that, shale? Right. They'll say.

If you superheat it, you could get yourself a diamond. Yeah, I mean, is it possible, Mike mike that you're not having problems with drying out you're having problems with mineral deficiencies it's very possible uh i could be having some mineral deficiencies i mean like i eat trash constantly and i'm not sure uh you know i probably need some supplements here and there uh but if you know me uh jesse you nailed it i definitely say is that shale if i saw in the there what's that shale sounds like something letterman would say to paul shaffer hey uh hey paul what is that igneous sedimentary uh guys i speaking of brand loyalties i had to get rid of one of my favorite brands recently magnum yeah my dick got smaller wait were you talking about the condom or the ice cream bar

because both apply either way yeah it's a big dick man's ice cream bar man magnums are just such an embarrassing thing to like a whole section of condoms in the in the aisle i just never even have to worry about it's a it's a sad it's sad to me it's a sad thing hey listen mitch listen this we should we should all branch out we should all try new things happy Happy Analogous to everybody. I'm going to try a squirt. Try yourself a Magnum. Just try the Magnum. I'm going to try on a Magnum.

It's going to look like when you buy your little nephew a sweater, and it's far too big. It's coming off of his arms. You'll grow into the Magnum. Any day, you're going to have your growth spurt. I can tell. I have some brand resentment against Magnum ice cream bars. Our friend Ben Partridge from the Beef and Dairy Network podcast,

he's a very big public advocate of Magnum ice cream bars. He loves them to death. He'll get any flavor and he'll enjoy them on Instagram or whatever. And he was visiting the United States last year and we went to a museum together or something. We were just having a hangout day, you know, great guy, Ben Partridge. And I said, oh, I got an idea. I know you love ice cream bars. I'm going to give you the gift of my favorite ice cream bar, my Magnum, the It's It. He and I got some It's It's at a Food for Less and sat in my Volvo station wagon in the parking lot and ate the It's It's. And he made some catty remarks about the It's It.

Wow. He thought the chocolate was low quality. I'm like, that's hardly the point, Benjamin. So now I'm out on magnums i was surprised i was ready to i was ready for it to be a mutual support society where i enjoyed magnums when i was in the united kingdom and he enjoyed it's it's when he was in the united states but it turns out that welsh fuck is a little too fancy for his own britches yeah first of all i just just want to say, fuck the Welsh. I know that that's maybe... I'm glad somebody's finally standing up to you, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

But I was going to say that recently I was like, Jesse, we're going to have you on. We're going to do an all It's It. An It's It is It episode episode nothing more than it's it we're just doing all it's it's but it's it's going jj go i i got a bunch of ice cream sandwiches recently and i was like eating the other ones and i was like i don't really want the it's it's that much and then i had an it's it and i i am kind of i'm kind of tough on it it's almost like in and out burger or something but i had the it's it and i was like it's good it is good it's a very it's i think it's

a specific thing you know like it's different from i had some blue better blue bunny ice cream sandwiches in there and they were they were actually pretty good and that is just a completely different experience from an it's it you know what i mean like you're going in with two different things yeah i think he was confused at what was going on why the cookie could be chewy when it was frozen yeah good humor go on call her daddy it's a kaduzi um. Go on, Michelle Obama. So the brand that I had to kick recently was related to a visit I had to a nutritionist. Have either of you guys ever seen a nutritionist?

A nutritionist? No, but I have a feeling if I go to a nutritionist, it will be much like a mortal seeing Medusa, and they will turn to stone just show the nutritionist a mirror first that's how you defeat her and steal the golden fleece you get your report at the end and it just says consider nutrition more minerals get this man some shale jordan how did you end up going to see a nutritionist a nutritionist I feel like is something that I imagine

a business executive going to in 1977 so I so yeah so I've been like you know I decided I was gonna like put myself on a little diet and I and I was kind of like taking these diet steps like cutting things out adding other different things

you know cutting out the magnums adding the good humors um and so you know but i also it also occurred to me like i'm just doing this willy-nilly i'm just doing this because of what i've what i think will work and also because of just some like haphazard googling that i've done so i like called my health plan and they're like oh yeah you have three nutritionist visits per year um so i so i did this i did this visit um and you know one of those cadillac plans it sounds like oh yeah it's a it's a nice plan it's a nice plan uh yeah thank you mpi motion picture uh is picture is this a sag one Jordan or is this writing this is this is IATSE

this is the animation guild which is a very nice very nice insurance bad union overall but pretty nice but good nutrition but yeah but good yeah plenty of fiber yeah dark leafy greens Jordan I heard that unfortunately to go to the doctors Nutrition. But yeah, but good. Plenty of fiber. Yeah. Dark leafy greens.

Jordan, I heard that, unfortunately, to go to the doctor's, you have to travel all the way to Toontown. Is that correct? It is, yeah. And, you know, they have a lot of recommendations for what happens if you're flattened like a pancake. What they'll do is they'll put a bike pump in your mouth and blow you back up. Sometimes it turns you into a balloon, which is its own inconvenience. So, yeah, there's the travel. There's the travel to Toontown. You have to go through the portable hole.

So it's inconvenient in a lot of ways. Yeah. And also, what's your copay on getting dipped? Yeah, you got to stay away from that. But, oh, boy, Dr. Betty Boop, though. Va-va-voom. She turned my head into a wolf head. I don't want me to interject again, but can I just quickly say,

Christopher Lloyd dipping that shoe in dip is, like, one of the most traumatic childhood experiences, seeing that poor shoe go down. That's's a real large marge situation yeah yeah our generation has a couple of yeah has a couple of shared traumas large marge uh christopher lloyd dipping the shoe and uh yeah the entirety of return to oz i think yeah i think maybe the the gremlin that goes in a blender oh that's good that a great, that is visceral. I just remember that fucking, I mean, now I love gremlins, but I think this is a thing that people don't admit,

that like I was scared of gremlins for like a year or two. I was terrified of the movie Gremlins. Yeah. Is that just me? It's scary. No, it's legitimately pretty scary. Like I watched it as an adult, and I don't remember what of it I had seen as a kid. And I was surprised at how much of it is actually straight up scary. Like, it's not terrifying when you're an adult, but it is like, it's pretty straightforward scary stuff.

Yeah. Great movie. the nutritionist in Toontown, can we get back to this for a second? Because I thought of something. It's not really a fully fleshed out idea, but you go to the nutritionist because whenever you get hungry, everyone around you looks like a fully dressed chicken. Right, yeah. It's especially bad if you're on a desert island. Yeah. So what did the nutritionist have to say for themselves? So I met with this nutritionist i'm like okay well i'm you know i'm like hey i just you know i've gained a little weight i'm trying to lose a little bit of weight and you know two minutes into the conversation i realized that i was talking to somebody who is just on another level like have you have you ever like tried to do an exercise class and then you realize

a couple minutes in like oh shit this is not for me like this is not my thing everybody in here is too jacked what am i doing here like i so honestly jordan that was my experience when I did yoga at the YMCA with a bunch of 65-year-old ladies. Oh, shit. All these people have replacement hips. They're going to do great. They're brand new fucking hips. Jordan, I never run into this freaking problem. It's actually not an issue.

Hell, yeah. So she was like, so what are you using to cook with and i'm like i've got this i've got this question i'm gonna fucking ace this i'm like oh i uh mainly cook with olive oil because that's the healthy oil right fucking mediterranean diet you know so she's like yeah so i mean you really don't need to use any oil when you cook and i was like what i just throw shit in a dry pan and like i hit they she had a little i before i went i like kind of filled out a um uh you know like a a meal chart like with what i had been eating and she like looked at the meal chart, and she just was like, so you really like cheese, huh? You're like, yeah, well, I'm an adult man in a cheese-eating culture.

Like, yeah, it's good. Of course I like cheese. Cheese is amazing. It was in a tone that another doctor would tell you you have three months to live. Who doesn't want to be constantly eating cheese? It's the thing that everyone wants from mouse to man. Everyone wants a slice. Everyone likes cheese.

What is exactly in between mouse and man? Dog? Dog. Dogs love cheese. Dogs love cheese. Cats? A cat will dogs love cheese cats a cat will lick at cheese a cat will lick cheese so that's what i told her i told her a cat will lick cheese and i hung up on her it was a tell it was a telehealth thing um but the one thing i i got um that i was like okay well i think i don't think this is too extreme i think i can use this

is like she's like you know it take your take your main course take your protein cut it in half and then fill the rest of the plate with beans uh and i'm like great i love me i love beans i'm crazy about this sure and all those other fruits fail to be musical at all not as musical and you know me, Jesse. You've known me a while. Mitch, you've known me a while, too. Yeah. I love to toot.

I call you Professor Harold Hill because you're a real music man. Sure. You have to be careful it doesn't turn into a Hershey squirt. I am from Boston, which, as we all know, is Beantown. We love beans there. It's a Boston thing. Sure. So you guys are on

board this like i was like great i'm excited about beans and so then i stocked up on goyas because that was my bean brand i love a goal oh no a couple days after my big goya stock up the the president of goya proved themselves to be to have political ideals that i did not agree with jesse i know it's it's a little tough for you to get political on this show but i will personally say that i did not agree with the political ideas of the goya uh ceo yeah so you're a bull moose party all the way yeah i'm a tory till i die um so i have so i was like so i don't want a controversial bean i want a down the middle bean i don't want my bean to have any any political baggage so i was like you're sticking with the gold standard thank you very much no silver standard for you. Right. Yes. They will crucify us on a cross of gold.

They will. The National Bank. National Bank. That's something I have a problem with, too, I think. So I was like investigating other bean brands and I'm like, well, I don't want the bean to be controversial. So Bush's. But then I remember something about bush doing 9-11 right do you guys remember so pete we've heard that right bush bushes did 9-11 that's that's

talking about the beans right i'm trying to remember but i think actually that i forgot yeah well that's that's why you need to listen to the Ralph Nader puppet, Jesse. Have you seen, I actually, you haven't seen, you haven't taken a look at like Duke's, Duke the Dog's

Twitter profile lately, have you? No, what's Duke been getting up to? He's been to, he was at the Tulsa rally with Trump. I hope he's okay. Was he at least wearing a mask?

He was, no, he was eating masks masks He was biting masks off people's faces Oh my gosh Duke Well fuck there's no Apolitical bean out there The other day somebody Photoshopped a picture Of a major league baseball game That had no one in attendance

They photoshopped like 300 dogs behind home plate and all the seats and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since i saw it i want it so bad because dogs can't get coronavirus so it's safe to fill the ballpark with dogs. So why are we making cardboard cutouts of Allie Wong? No offense, Allie. You're very wonderful. An E40 or whatever. When we could be just filling it with real, live, off-leash dogs. Yeah, there's nothing in the rule book that says a dog can't sit in a Major League audience.

I love it. And then maybe give the umpire some kibble for his pocket. Or some liver treats. Mitch, you're a sports fan. Have you been enjoying crowd-free sports? Well, you watch baseball, and then you hear that half a team has tested positive for coronavirus.

And it kind of takes the wind out of your sails and it it makes it not worth it but and i actually haven't really watched baseball at all uh but i've been watching basketball and they seem to be one of the the one of the two sports that's doing it right uh basketball and the nhl the nba and the nhl are they both uh the nhl has gone up to canada and they are and they are doing a little bubble. And then in NBA in Florida, they're doing a bubble as well, in Orlando I believe. And they've done a great job with it.

And I have – watching basketball has been great the last week or so. It's really given me something. You know what I mean? It's been awesome. And I hope no one gets sick and then it's not worth it. You know what I mean? It's been awesome. And I hope no one gets sick and then it's not worth it. You know what I mean? One person sick,

it's out the window. Yeah, I mean, they should remember dogs can't get coronavirus. Right. And you're saying all Air Bud and all Air Bud season.

Yeah. I'm not against it. You know what I mean? Wouldn't you like to see a Cairn Terrier give that a shot? Truly. Isn't there a baseball playing monkey movie too?

Could the monkey pitch against Air Bud? Yeah, and I think Jason Alexander's allowed to play. Yeah, I heard Jason Alexander can't get Corona. Right. They've been trying to capture him so they can use his blood to make a vaccine. It's a last of us situation where there's a grizzled old guy leading him through the woods the only difference is unlike in the last of us the grizzled old guy insists on singing sondheim songs the whole time right but a mournful version on an acoustic guitar

he's like this one is from Merrily We Roll Along. It's an underrated show. I was going to say that movie that the Matt LeBlanc monkey movie where the monkey pitches or Dunstan checks in. I think the Matt LeBlanc one actually was my first date. I went to my first date for that movie. You went to with the monkey from Ed? Yeah. Yeah. It was...

I think I was in seventh or eighth. No, you know what? It was probably seventh grade. And with my girlfriend, who I probably talked on the phone to three to four times, and then it stopped happening. And I remember I put my arm around her at that movie. And I think my armpit immediately turned liquefied, basically, immediately. Just like one of those 12 or 13-year-old pit stains that just go over your shoulder, basically.

Just extremely embarrassing. But yeah, it was to that movie. Or Dun checks in it's hard to it's hard to remember i i was a i was a pretty late bloomer when it came to dating but um but i definitely remember the first movie i went to where it was just me and a girl it was think it was one of those is this a date situations it was not a date uh i found out later um but it was like me and me and we were just going to see a movie together and it was dracula dead and loving it oh that's which is see that's very horny that is a like like the the joke of that movie is how horny it is that is that's very funny for like leslie nielsen to be a you know, be in serious films for most of his life. And then to make that turn into like a silly man that is in like horny

movies and playing Dracula. And yeah, he was like a matinee hunk in the fifties. And then he's just like farting boner Dracula. And then he died. Mr. Magoo. What's amazing about it is,

like, you know, in Police Squad and the Naked Gun movies, he's perfect. Like, he's perfect. Like, it's as funny a thing as has ever existed in the history of the world, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah.

But only those guys knew what was funny about him yeah he was in so many other similar less good movies like mel brooks is one of the funniest people of all time like 10 funniest people of all time in the english language mel brooks but he couldn't figure out what was funny about Leslie Nielsen. Whoever directed Spy Hard couldn't. Yeah. I agree. The Zuckers, right? The credit goes to the Zuckers. The Zucker boys.

Love those Zucks. I'll watch Police Squad. Anytime you guys want to come over and watch my VHS tapes of Police Squad. Wow. Love it. Love it. Tommy Lasorda's in it it it's got everything you want uh to go back on two things one is that jordan you've you are nearly at 100 movies for the year you you kick my ass with

movies even you watch a ton of movies yeah i do like to watch a movie i uh i i yes i don't like tv that much anymore i like a simpsons rerun, and I like to put on a, there's a streaming channel on Pluto that just streams Mystery Science Theater. That's fun to have on in the background. That's a great channel. The Pluto TV has a few great weird channels. It sure does, yeah. Pluto is a fun, it's a fun weird thing.

I don't know that I'm like, I'm getting anything from Pluto other than like pleasant white noise that i remember but yes uh pluto is a fun weird free app guys i subscribed i paid the extra three dollars for the pbs living add-on to my amazon prime nice that's all uh you can get all the antiques road shows you want right every antiques road show plus as much of julia child as as i can eat wow novas you got some novas on there there's a few novas there's not as many novas as there's not as many other things besides those two things that i want to watch as i would front line was going to be my next question can you watch a front line yeah front line is too upsetting for me generally um but

uh if there were more novas or American experiences on there, I would love it. There are a fair number of American masters. There's a fair number of American masters. I was watching the Ted Williams American masters. But mostly just the reason people like Julia Child is because she's possibly the most amazing television personality in the history of television. Watching Julia Child say different stuff, get distracted for a minute, and they don't edit it out.

It is the greatest shit in the history of the world. Pay your $3.99 or $2.99 for that PBS living and start watching The French Chef. That sounds amazing. Yeah, I i definitely you know

now that i feel like i i i figured out that i like watching movies now more than i watch tv more than i like watching tv and you know i'm like oh sometimes i'll watch something in two or three settings sometimes i'll like you know watch a little bit go to bed you know watch a little bit the next day um yeah and i definitely am like trying to you know trying to live like Mitch. Hashtag live like Mitch. Oh, no, that's like the Simpsons episode where they be like the boy. Just the seniors in the back. We like Kitch.

I was going to say to you that, and also you're a swimmer, you stay active. And so I think this nutritionist can jump into a vat of cheese for all I care. Yeah. Oh, she would hate that. She hates cheese. She would fuck. Oh, what an ironic death. Oh, God.

I guess I sensed her in the death. What kind of beans did she want you to eat? She didn't specify the bean types. I just assumed that canned black and pinto beans were okay. Maybe they're not. Yeah, that does seem like a good one. It would be funny to call her back and be like, I chose jelly beans. And I'm getting fatter to spite you.

Well, off to die soon. I'm going to crawl under the porch and die like an old dog jesse i also want to say that you having uh on on tape having all the police squad episodes is uh doesn't surprise me even one percent that is uh that's exactly you in a good way i love that mike there's one there's one where they're standing in front of the crime scene and in the background a stretcher enters and moving from from from uh from the right to the left of the screen and it just starts crossing the screen and it gets and it gets longer and longer and longer until it's crossing the entire screen and it just gets longer and longer and longer until it's crossing the entire screen. And it just keeps going and going and going and going and going for like three minutes until the back end finally crosses the screen.

I swear to God you can know that that's about to happen and still it does it for you for whatever reason. That's great. And like I've said before many times on the podcast, you did such good for comedy. Me and the other birthday boys, when we were young guys just getting into the scene, used to listen to you all the time, interviewing comedians and cool guests and stuff like that.

On Judge John Hodgman, on an upcoming episode of judge john hodgman there's a birthday boys related uh obscure cultural reference at the top of the show wow yeah very exciting so very so so you said the birthday boys mike it involves you and a moo moo oh I know what it is immediately all right yeah okay that's all I'm gonna say we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la it's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Every episode of Jordan, Jesse Go is brought to you by Maximum Funds members. This week's episode also is brought to you by Manscaped, dedicated to being the best

in men's below the belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. And I think that they want us to sing their theme song, right, Jesse? That's in the copy that they want us to sing their theme song, right, Jesse? That's in the copy that they want us to sing the theme song. Yeah, there's a note in the talking points here that says, make sure to sing our theme song. Well, let's do it. Jordan?

Here I am, baby, manscaped, delivered, I'm yours. I truly did not know what song you were singing until you said delivered. That's how far into it I got before I recognized the melody. I think it has to be far off for parody law to count, right? It has to be two notes different. That version of the song is for, I don't know if you heard this, but there's a script floating around for Sister Act 3, where instead of taking classic soul songs and turning them

into gospel songs, she takes classic soul songs and turns them into songs about shaving your balls. Hey, we're here, and speaking of shaving your balls, if you need to do that, if you're anybody out there with

balls, you're going to want to check out Manscaped. Here's the thing. That area, it gets unkempt. And I know I look at it, and I'm like, this needs to change. But I'm so nervous about using the wrong equipment, about hurting the tender area. But here's the thing. I'm not worried about that anymore because Manscaped sent over the Lawn Mower 3.0. It's a trimmer that features...

It's really what it's called. It's legitimately called that. It's a trimmer that features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents thanks to Manscaped's advanced skin-safe technology. Jesse, I used this. Jordan, so did I. It looks great down there. Are you looking great down there? I'm so clean and fresh down there. It's waterproof. You can use it in the shower. I feel like that is a big one. You can use it in the shower. feel like that is a big one you can use it in the shower this thing's great when i've trimmed there before i've often thought to myself do i just put down a drop cloth like i i've not been able to figure out the logistics of it and i feel like

every time i failed and i've hurt myself a couple of times this thing is a rechargeable battery and not only that it has its own little headlamp. Yeah. And not only does it not hurt, it kind of feels good. It's very gentle. It's like being kissed by a doe. And normally, I got to put a bunch of peanut butter down there and head out into the woods. I got to worry about ticks. Yeah.

And Lyme disease. Don't get me started. Oh man. Nothing worse than Lyme disease of the balls. And hey, here's the thing about the Lawn Mower 3.0. It's got all that we talked about. Plus the stand doubles as a USB charging dock. Trim that junk of yours. Jordan, I am so glad that Manscaped has decided to sponsor us me too it's a great product i feel like there's no greater and i don't mean to diminish any other celebrity you have jordan but i don't feel like there's a there's a greater ambassador for shaved balls in america than jordan morris it's. It's something I believe in. I don't believe in much, Jesse. I don't believe in America.

But I do believe in having clean balls. And honestly, the best way to do that is with Manscaped. It's the best. And you can get 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com. 20% off, free shipping, manscaped.com, JJGO. We also have something up on the Jumbotron. Now, normally... Yes, I'm reading this one too. Normally, these are like birthday or anniversary wishes. Like as we record this, it's my wedding anniversary with my wife. So I decided to spend a romantic evening recording Jordan, Jesse, go. Is it tonight? Yeah, it's tonight. Happy anniversary.

Thank you. I'm glad I could be here to celebrate it with you. I'm glad that you could too. And thank you for the single red rose. No, you got to, you know, listen thank you for the single red rose no you gotta you know listen you gotta keep the spark alive I know it's been a long time but you you know you gotta treat it like it's your first date

sometimes that's the secret in among all of the you know cottage industry Etsy shops and happy birthday messages we've shared this is the one that I think could best be that could best be summarized as dance monkey dance.

And you know what? This monkey is shining up his tap shoes. It's a message for Jordan from Liam. From Liam. And this is the message. Hi, hello, have you seen my daughter? I'm Liam Neeson. Yeah, that's right. There you go. Hope it was worth it.

You forgot to put in the word Brooklyn, whoever wrote this. Yeah, I think the Brooklyn's kind of a late addition. I think the classic Liam Neeson line is just, yeah, that's right. Uh-huh isn't in there. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron if you want to share

your message with the world. It is, we make it affordable for Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. You want to wish somebody happy birthday or tell somebody about your Etsy store or whatever. We do what we can. Or just want to do a callback to a running joke.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Mitch, the little stink bug. Oh, Jesus. Don't step on him or else he'll make a stink. Jesus. Don't step on him or else he'll make a stink.

Recently, I filmed something before Corona, but I got into my trailer in there, and it was infested with stink bugs, and I had never seen stink bugs ever before. I remember I went and told a of like a salty crew guy, like a transpo guy. I was like, excuse me, there's a bunch of bugs in my trailer, like a loser actor that he didn't want to hear this from,

and he was kind of like, yeah, so what? I was like, well, I don't know what to do. I'm too frightened to do my vocal warm-ups. don't know what to do i'm too frightened to do my vocal warm-ups the tip of the tongue the teeth and the bugs so do stink bugs do stink bugs like just go around stinking or is it when they're threatened or is it when they're squashed were you able to learn anything about them it is when they're squashed it's it's i think i think it maybe is when they're threatened too but if you if you squash them they're stinking that's what that is is when they're threatened to, but if you squash them, they're stinking. That is what I found out, is that if you squash one, which I never did to any, but everyone on set was like,

oh, don't squish them. That's like when I told them, I was like, my room is like infested with stink bugs. They're like, don't squish them, and that was kind of all they said. And I was like, yeah, but what should I do? You would think they would have, you know have cleaner facilities on the next Avengers movie. Yeah, I mean, especially in Captain America's own dressing room. The man who was replacing Chris Evans.

It's kind of like a hybrid of Hulk in Captain America whoa cool yeah that means they fucked awesome yeah that drawing I made is real hell yeah it is funny to also think of like a stretched out Captain America outfit as I wear it on set and just look fucking dumpy in it. Mitch, you would wear that thing like a magnum, buddy.

Hey, Jordan, Mitch, happy anal August. Happy anal August. Happy analogous. Analogous Augustust happy anal happy anal august man the irish catholic and we can't say that that's something we celebrate every single year every month or just yeah we celebrate august this month every month rain or shine we celebrate it it's a time to reflect and to open yourself up to new possibilities yeah to try and relax it's about openness lubricate right the basics the straightforward

stuff um jordan what should people do when something momentous happens to them they should give us a call at 206-9844-FUN or email in a voice memo like someone did who we're about to hear from right now play of the call

hey Jordan Jesse and guests this is Ben H in in Los Angeles, California. I was watching my dog down the street. Wow. And the falcon was on the sidewalk in front of us with a dead rodent that had been killed. And it just stared at us for like three seconds. And then I grabbed the rodent and took off into the sky.

It was great. Yeah, that rules. First of all, that wasn't really Ben Harper. I apologize to Ben and all of the innocent criminals. Aw, man, I fucking took that bong load for nothing? Shit, dude, I thought we were about to hear some fucking jams. That was our friend Ben harrison from greatest generation and uh so on and so forth friendly fire the whole nine yards um i thought we were gonna get an original original ben harper song about like a falcon it would have been great i feel like i um

i spend a lot of my time a lot of my emotional energy as a public radio host trying to avoid becoming interested in birding. Because I already drive a Volvo, right? So it's like I'm on the edge of becoming pure self-parody rather than somewhat of a self-parody. self-parody rather than somewhat of a self-parody and i have to say if i see like a falcon or a hawk or something doing something cool i'm like oh fuck i could get into birds just do it just do it man you count them i think that's what you're supposed to do you're supposed to um take note of their calls that sounds even worse than counting them. My grandma and grandpa were birders. I would walk with them in Quincy along the beach,

and we'd go to these little islands and look at birds. Cool. What kind of birds are native to the area? Do you remember? That's a great question. I have no idea. There's probably, like, I don't know a boston seagull or some bullshit um sure i remember as a child even being like i'm kind of bored it's like a little

baby boy um but it's great to be out in the it's great to be out in nature i think that's the great thing about birding is that you're just out in peaceful surroundings more than anything so that's for me that's why i could maybe be one you know you can see the boston seagull um in its natural habitat uh sobering up in a dunkin donuts a cigarette butt in its mouth right at a rough night it lost its phone its friend won't come pick it up i feel like i would enjoy birding more if it was more focused on those birds of prey and there was some kind of chumming involved oh that's good yeah like if you would go to the pet store and buy those frozen dead white mice and you would just throw them into the air and then a fucking falcon would swoop down and grab it that sounds like what you are actually wanting to do is falconry

but i don't have any of those big gloves yeah you do you've got some in the garage i know it oh my gloves are medium sized oh well yeah yeah if they don't go up to the elbow you're in trouble i got news for you i did falconry when i went to when i went to ireland whoa what what i've i lived jesse's dreams twice oh my gosh i was a burner and i did falconry when when my dad was sick uh he passed away from cancer um and uh and jesse we are in the dead dad's club together i it's not a great place to be dead dad's club hanging up cancer give me a break um no one a club no one wants to be a part of but uh you get in there for whatever reasons um and we went to when we when he was sick we

traveled to ireland and we, and we stayed at this place, and we stayed at kind of like an old castle, basically. I believe it's where the Leprechaun 1 was filmed. Did you catch a glimpse of Jan Aniston herself? She was there. She was revisiting. That's when my dad wanted to see the filming location of Leprechaun 1 before he died.

That was... He had already seen the filming location of Leprechaun 1 before he died. That was... He had already seen the filming location to Leprechaun in the Hood. He's like, I only have one more Leprechaun filming location to visit. And his final days, he was sad that he never got to space. But one of the options was falconry and uh we we i went out there and uh i stood there with a big glove on my hand and the falcon came right to my arm it was jesse i'm not gonna lie to you it was cool as hell wow i bet it was cool as hell what did you did you give it a dead mouse or a little chunk of something you could give it treats I know that they were like, you know,

when they come back and they put like blinders on them and stuff, I know that they're like very protective. And I think also like each of my fingers looks like the most plump grub. And so I think that they were, I think they had, but i think that we maybe did feed it i'm not i'm not positive but i think maybe they were a little more touchy on on that it was cool though sounds really really great it was awesome man sorry sorry jesse i saw an owl once sorry jesse but that's just lame as shit. Sorry, man. I hate to be the one to tell you this,

but that is fucking lame, dude. And also, I hate to do this, but are you sure it was an owl? It might not have been. No, it was definitely an owl. It was gray. It looked a little bit like a dove, but maybe a little bigger. It had some kind of iridescent parts of its feathers.

Man, dude, this sucks. This fucking sucks. Mitch's story was so good. It was on a ledge of a big building. What leprechaun filming location was it near? It wasn't near any of them. Oh, man. Fucking weak, dude.

Let's play another call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. So my momentous occasion this week is actually something that happened to my mom not me but the way i found out about it was pretty momentous so my mother sent a text to our group our family group chat that just said i was in the ER for 10 hours yesterday. My sister and I were like, what? What happened? And then you see the, like, mom is typing, dot, dot, dot.

And so we jump on a video call with her. We're like, no, no, no. Okay, tell us what happened. And she proceeds to tell us an extremely long story about how she started feeling sick and dizzy, and she didn't know what was going on, and she didn't know what could have happened, and my dad was at the golf course, so she called my cousin, and my cousin got my dad, who doesn't have a cell phone, to come home and take her to the hospital, and then they waited for hours, and she she threw up and then they did all kinds of

tests to see if she was having a stroke or if she was having heart problems they did a covid test so she was put in this isolation room for people who might have covid and she was made to wait for ages and then as she was waiting she said she got she got to thinking. What could she have done? Was it something she ate? What happened? And eventually, she revealed that she had gone into her freezer in the basement and found a treat. And she thought, oh, that was smart of me, putting a gluten-free brownie in here for a rainy

day and she ate it and it was delicious and only after thinking about it after going to the hospital several hours later did she think that might have been an edible marijuana brownie that somebody gave to my dad and she wrapped up and put in the freezer and didn't label and she then ate the whole thing and sort of od'd my sister and i had quite the ride listening to that story um and i hope you enjoyed it too bye man just hope too much for mom i just hope uh mom had a little ben harper on hand right fucking ride that wave thank god that story ended that way jesus i know right it's like brian you need to screen these calls better

you know i feel like i i've heard stories like that before. Like, oh, I ate X amount of cookies. I ate X amount of gummies before I realized it. But every edible thing I have ever had has just tasted so insanely like pot. I honestly don't know how this happens. I eat a lot of just regular treats that I get at Trader Joe's that will be a combination of dark chocolate or hard candy or whatever and grass clippings. So for that reason, it's hard for me to tell when I'm eating a marijuana one. Yeah. You got to get a little roughage in there, you know?

Yeah. I remember I went up to New Hampshire to the Weir's Beach area, Lake Winnipesaukee. And my friends, this is like, you know, we were probably like 19 or something. But my friend Zenga, he made pot brownies. And just like eating them, it was just like you would bite into the pot brownie and it was like eating a nugget of weed. And I like lost my mind my my friend mike romondi found me in a room and he said that i was saying like help me like crying and i had just truly truly lost it so i have been there i like thought i was having a mental breakdown i don't like to i don't like to touch those anymore i'm not a i'm not a fan yeah man ruined a good trip to winnipusaki

exactly that's a like um there's some like comedy movie from our youth where they go to lake winnipusaki right is that i think that's what they say in the blues brothers isn't it blues brothers show band and review at lake winnipusaki oh that might be it i was i was wondering if it's what about bob as well or no oh maybe it is what about bob maybe that's where they're wrong i was thinking maybe also sneakers you know that's not technically a comedy it's a movie i weirdly watched a lot as a kid it seems like it would have something about lake Winnipesaukee on it. I remember somebody wants a Winnebago. It's a very Americana-y lake. It's just like a big...

That's where the King of Kong, he resides up there. Oh, okay. The guy who has the world King Kong record. You can beware if you enter his lair, the King of Kong. Right. Let's take one more call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to guess Steve Agee. I'm calling with a momentous occasion slash anal August.

My partner has been growing zucchinis, my partner has been growing zucchinis and he had a zucchini that was shaped about right and we realized later in the night

that zucchinis do not have a flared face. Luckily I was able to expel Zucchini. Wow. Thank goodness. Someone posted on Reddit a news article about someone dying of that. Oh, my gosh.

Of Zucchini in the butt? Of Zucchini in the butt. They were too embarrassed to go to the doctor from Zucchini in the butt, and they died. Wow. Wow. They didn't even to go to the doctor from Zucchini and the Butt, and they died. Wow. No. They didn't even call us. I know.

You're supposed to do it from the hospital or whatever, like while the momentous occasion is happening. This relates back to earlier, by the way, the Magnum Convo, but we got to get a better emoji than eggplant, right? Isn't eggplant just a little... Is the zucchini more dong-like, do you think, Mitch? I mean, I think... I mean, I guess it's just too... Just give it a carrot or something, you know what I mean? Some sort of carrot.

It doesn't have to be a baby carrot, just a regular carrot of sorts. Just something orange. What about this? Maybe this is wild. I quickly have a punch up for the Magnum thing. Yeah, sure. I was going to say that instead of a big sweater, it looks like the Frosted Mini-Week commercials. Okay, go ahead.

I was just going to say, just make a penis emoji at this point right yeah why not do a butt do a vagina do a couple of boobs we we need them we need them to communicate it's how we communicate sexuality is a part of human existence just make all the emojis we need so we don't have to come right out and say what we want to do to our partners. It is very funny that that's like a known thing, too. That it's like a peach. It's just now a peach is a butt. The peach is the butt now.

Who would have thought? Just make the emoji. I don't know who makes the emoji. There's like a World Emoji Council or something like that. They meet in secret at the base of Mount Doom every year. Yeah, there was a 99% invisible about this, and it just ended with Roman saying, just make a dick one. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, there you go. I stand with him. I stand with all the Roman leaders. Right. Caligula, Nero All the greats The doctors you call into to get Propecia

I was gonna say The last caller was so soothing Saying terrible news And I was like It sounds like this person should be on NPR Or Have an ASMR like uh yeah and i was like oh this is this is like it sounds like this person should be on like npr or uh you know or or or have an asmr podcast or whatever but then maybe they do it's possible i'm ready to pitch npr after dark now mitch yeah okay let's take a quick break we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott. And we host Round Springfield. Round Springfield is a new Simpsons podcast that is Simpsons adjacent. In its topic, we talk to Simpsons writers, directors,

voiceover actors, you name it, about non-Simpsons things that they've done. Because, surprise, they're all extremely talented. Absolutely. For example, David X. Cohen worked on The Simpsons but then created a little show called Futurama. That's our very first episode. So tune in for stuff like that with Yardley Smith, with Tim Long, with different writers and voice actors. It's going to be so much fun.

And we are every other week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jared Hill, co-host of the brand new Maximum Fun podcast, Fanta. And I'm Travelle Anderson. I'm the other more fabulous co-host. And the reason you really should be tuning in. I feel the nausea rising. To be Fanti is to be a big fan of something, but also have some challenging or anti-feelings toward it.

Kind of like Kanye. We're all fans of Kanye. He's a musical genius, but like, you know. He thinks slavery is a choice. Or like the real housewives of Atlanta. Like, I love the drama, but do I want to see black women fighting each other on screen? We're tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love.

Even though they may not love us back. Fan time. Maximum fun. Podcast. Meow. it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and the little stink bug oh god look out or he'll infest your trailer i why didn't i just come up with a separate a different one i could have said anything i wanted to you can keep the same nick the little stink bug is great. I think it's awesome. I don't think you have anything to be self-conscious of. I think it's one of the best ones in a long time. Yeah, it is.

Honestly, we've had a lot of fucking weak-ass nicknames lately. Come harder to hoop, people. Professional comedians. Mitch came up with a little stink bug. You can't do better than that? Apparently not. The nickname is great. Mitch, I have to say you guys just concluded grocery store month on the Doughboys.

And I was pretty jealous that you got to be Green Grocer Mitch. Along with playing Professor Harold Hill in The Music Man, I think I've made it pretty clear that my other career aspiration is to be a television greengrocer and just say what fruits are ripe this month. Well, that was Judge John Hodgman. He gave me that nickname. He bestowed upon me the greengrocer title, and I happily took it because I had no other plan. So that's how that came about. It was a nightmare month. Jon Hodgman, your good friend and my former friend. Wow.

Yeah. I'm serious about this Green Grocer thing. The Doughboys, of course, is your podcast, Mitch, where you and Nick Weiger review chain restaurants. You did a month of grocery stores. I also listened to these episodes, thought they were really great. It gave me an excuse to revisit

grocery store fried chicken, which I hadn't had in years, but you guys talk so much about it. I'm like, I got to try some. It was great. I forgot how good grocery store fried chicken is. You did that Albertson's fried chicken? I did an Albertson's

and a Ralph's taste test, yeah. Wow. And what was your... Anyway, I got to call my nutritionist. Tell her about how things are going. I also had a lot of beans too. I had a ton of beans when I was having these.

There's a grocery store right by my house that has a pollo a la brasa situation right outside. Ooh. A coal-cooked chicken. Damn. And it is, man, that is a winner. You take that over that $5 rotisserie thing. I mean, nothing wrong with a $5 rotisserie thing.

Pump a chicken full of juice and salt and cook it and I'll eat it. cooked over an open flame right out there in front of the grocery store. I'll go to that grocery store sometimes just to buy one of those chickens. Wow. It's a great meat. I think we can all agree.

One of the most versatile. Comes straight from, believe it or not not a chicken is actually a type of bird wow interesting i say that as a birder myself yes i'm sorry actually jesse there's some new science on this they're actually nightshades thank you nightshades did you know they're a fruit it turns out of cucumbers which well is in my butt as we speak oh no bring it back around i hope you can expel it uh mike as always thank you for joining us on jordan jesse go always a pleasure to have the great mike mitchell on the program pleasure is all mine thank you guys i love talking to you it's been a while it's a stupid um pandemic which i uh

hope is over soon i didn't know what else to say yeah i mean hey when this thing's over mike let's go out for beans i would love to i'll i'll get some of that how do you say polo what is it pollo a la brasa a la brasa yeah some polo a la brasa i'm in yeah sold sold to me and mitch i love it jordan you can come to brian ask but probably yeah we'll see how full the car is brian sunny d fernandez is the producer on the program you can get with us on the social medias there on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. Mitch is at B-Day Boys. Mitch,

you can find us on Facebook. You can just look for Jordan Jesse Go there. You can join the MaxFun Facebook group. We're also on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com where we love to chop it up with the fans we're not too fancy to chop it up with the fans and uh the max fun drive i've i've actually

stopped i've actually stopped chopping it up oh okay well that's all right that's fair yeah you got pretty i'm more into uh r slash prequel memes now it's uh memes about the star wars prequels it's basically them just putting um ewan mcgregor saying hello there into everything it's uh memes about the star wars prequels it's basically them just putting um ewan mcgregor saying hello there into everything it's really funny i'm into r slash unexpected utes uh it's just people who see a car that got turned into a pickup truck and take a picture of it it's great a lot of fun stuff really fun uh and hey uh a lot of people have been asking about this um for donors for everybody who donated in the MaxFunDrive, you can now listen to our all-Walton Goggins theme song episode

with Dan and Stu from The Flophouse. That's up there in the donor feed. So that's Brian Sonny D. Fernandez edited that together for you, and it's up there in the donor feed. So we hope you enjoy. Yeah. Oh, Gog. Okay.

We'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse go maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported