Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 65: The Gong Show

Episode Date: June 24, 2008

Guest Chad Fogland talks about appearing on The New Gong Show, plus getting up close and personal with David Letterman, a tribute to Tim Russert, Mer-men, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, a tribute to a fallen hero, and more. Let's go!

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, the one, the only, the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Chad Foglund. Chad Foglund, how are you, sir? I'm just fine. How's it going, everybody? It's going good for me. For you, Jordan? I'm glad that you kept the momentum after your intro. Well, I was such grandiose, I needed to make sure it worked for me.

I don't know. That's good. No, everything's going really great so far. And it's mostly because of you, Chad. Yeah, I think so. You really stepped up to the plate and hit a home run on your first time out to the ballpark. Here, try it again, try it again. Let me try it again.

Okay. And the one, the only, the man, the myth, the legend. Your next president. Comedian Chad Foglin. Hey, everybody. How's it going? Now you're clipping. Now you're clipping.

That's an audio thing. I would rather you be low energy than clip, personally. I would rather you keep the energy moderate. Okay, well, how about, hey, hi, how are you, everybody? Don't be disrespectful, Chad. Okay. That how about Hey! Hi! How are you, everybody? Don't be disrespectful, Chad. That's what I ask. You know what, Jordan? It's been a while since we've done this show. A lot of crazy

shit has been going down in the world. And I don't want to, this is just the introduction of the program, I don't want to bring everything down. But we lost a very special person who I want to bring everything down yeah but we lost a very special person who i want to uh uh dedicate this show to that's tim russert from nbc's meet the press um this is a man who hosted he was a fan we can only assume we presume that he was a fan uh this is an ir-American guy. Sort of young to die.

He died somewhat young. Yes. Moderately young. Mid-50s, right? Late 50s. So maybe, you know, it's kind of young. Younger than most who live to old age. And he had that famous seven dirty words you can't say on television, right?

That was him. Yes. Yes. Economy, economy. Economy, economy, economy. Economy, economy, economy. Economy, economy. And ass. Right.

Also ass. And I just, you know, like, I feel like his death has gone unremarked upon. That's why I want to dedicate this show to him. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Like, there's sometimes when somebody passes, who you feel like is one of the most important people in American culture. But you don't hear from anyone anything about this person's passing.

And this Tim Russert was just such a case. So I want to say this is a man who loved his family. Sure. And his family loved him. He had a real zeal for life. He did. He loved drinking. Sure. I'm sure he loved him. He had a real zeal for life. He did. He loved drinking. Sure.

I'm sure he loved eating. You got it. Absolutely, Chad. Chad is right here with me, Jordan. Are you on board with this? Well, I obviously don't know as much about Tim Russert as you guys. I didn't know you were his personal biographers. He regularly got haircuts about every three to four weeks.

Absolutely. Jeez, did you guys make flashcards or something? How do you know all this stuff? Wow. Jordan, when you're talking about one of the most important figures in American culture, like the late Tim Russert, that's what's important. You have to know your facts and figures. I like Tom.

Just like Tim Russert did when he would question America's fat cats in Congress. Wait a minute. You know this guy's- Hold their feet to the fire for a while and then let them off. You guys know this guy's job now? Yeah, absolutely. Man. I know many things about him.

He was great with questions, too too because you knew when he was asking a question because at the end of a sentence he would always go huh yeah he would exactly he's sort of an upward inflection which a lot of people think that's just because he was sort of a valley girl type yes which is true that's true about him that's true i'm I'm not going to deny that. Let's not forget his younger days. Guys, this podcast is supposed to be general interest. I can't condone you guys. I don't think there's any more compelling figure who in

the past 10 years who's passed on from American life and letters than Mr. Tim Russert, host of NBC's Meet the Press. Big Bad T. Russ. Wow. I called him Truss.

Oh. You Big Bad T. Russ. Big Bad T. Russ. I can't believe it. Did you call him anything? Sometimes people tease me for liking video games, but you guys have this encyclopedia of Tim Russert knowledge. I feel like that's...

Well, you know who else has an encyclopedia of Tim Russert knowledge. I feel like that's... Well, you know who else has an encyclopedia of Tim Russert knowledge? Any candidate who went on his program, they tried to learn everything they could about him because they were terrified of the way that he would ask them a question, then a follow-up question, then move on to a new topic. Is this Esperanto? The words that I'm using?

No, this is standard English. I don't recognize anything you guys are saying. I think it's a rare fact. A lot of people don't know this, but Tim Russert, whatever, you know. Yeah. He actually made Barbara Walters cry once. Yeah. That's how good he is.

Wow. And he did it through, Barbara Walters would do it through he is wow and he did it through barbara walters would do it through empathy yeah he did it through belligerence he slapped her yeah and it is just i mean just rest in peace to a truly great american and to his family um and i'm just, we hear the ultimately for me, what it's about for me personally is I know that if he can die at 58, then in 31 years, maybe I'll go too. So I have to make each 31 years count like I was Tim Russert. Yeah. I think that would look nice on a crocheted pillow.

You don't like it in the frame? Nah, put it on a pillow, man. Dude, slap that shit on a pillow. I have this picture I brought with me, a crochet picture. I use it in my bathroom. It says, we aim to please,

you aim to please. That's what I like. I like that too. One of Tim Russert's classic aphorisms. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second. Isn't he also the man who said, one tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor? No, but he did get Adlai Stevenson to say that.

By whispering in his ear. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chad Fogland, also a Chad Fogland. Yes. Yeah, very good.

Usually we have to tease the guests about not coming up with a good enough nickname. But that's one of the best nicknames I've ever heard. Yeah. That's the kind of nickname that Tim Russert used to bestow upon the staff of NBC News. That's right. That's better than Tim Scraps Russert. Of course, he got that after being in a New York brawl in the 20s.

After he fish hooked a guy. Before that, he was Gentleman Tim Russert. That's right. Can I ask you a question? Is a guy. Before that, he was Gentleman Tim Ruzzer. That's right. Now, can I ask you a question? Is a New York brawl, is that a brawl in New York, or is that a style of brawl, sort of like a New York steak? I think originally it was New York brawl. It took place in New York.

But I think people who brawled in them, brawlers, is how you call them, I think they branched out to other parts of the country and started to... Export their styles. And you never, I mean, let's say you're in Nebraska. Right. Let's say you're a Nebraska brawler.

Yeah. Last thing you want to have is a New York brawler come in and, you know, show you up, because... I would say that's the second to last thing, because the first thing you don't want to get shown up by is a Chinese. Oh, that's true. That's true. Stick to the railroad.

Stick to the railroad, ping pong, huh? Oh, man, we have fun, don't we, Jordan? Yeah. It's been a long... I mean, less these days. Yeah, sure. In the past, we've had fun. We're fading fast.

Sure. I'm not going to pretend like I'm not balding and getting married and, you know, I don't think my dog is a baby. You know what I mean? Are those all connected? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, good. Yeah, ever since I started thinking my dog was a baby, I've been feeling a real need to settle down and lose some hair. That's the first step. Watch out for.

The first couple of steps. They're all connected. Do you remember the old toy Construx, Chad? Oh, yes. Do you remember Construx? Yes. This is like that, but with sadness. Do you remember Robotics?

I think I do remember Robotics. They were blue, right? Robotics is irrelevant to this. I just wanted to run that by you. Yeah. He's good at this kind of thing. Speaking of Coco, by the way, big news. Because God forbid, God forbid we would pass up a chance to talk about Coco.

Yeah, she's a beautiful dog. Everybody loves her. You know, as many times as I've listened to this podcast and you've mentioned the dog, I started getting annoyed by it. But now I've met the dog. Yeah, it's a killer dog, right? And the dog is adorable. Yeah.

annoyed by it but now i've met the dog yeah it's a killer dog and that dog is adorable yeah so wait so so i mean i guess the solution to this quandary is to find find some way to invite everybody over i was gonna say mail coco around to every listener for a day and then they maybe mail her somewhere else oh and she'll come back with like world stickers all over yeah like a suitcase and she's dead yeah being in the package for so long. Jordan, you know how we have these two young ladies who listen to the program from the United States Postal Service? Maybe I knew that. They've called a few times from federal property, you may remember. Oh, sure, yeah, I do.

They went in the back. Did they work for the post office? Yeah, they do some sort of data entry, seasonal data entry, I think, at the post office. Oh, okay. I thought they were like pals who did errands together. No, no, no, no, no, Jordan, no. They're co-workers. They spend a lot of time.

These are important people. These are federal employees, Jordan. Okay. Come on, get real for a minute here. They're making the big bucks. So you're saying they're in a chain of command to where enough, if like the president dies and enough members of his cabinet die, they could potentially be elected president.

No. No. Because the postmaster general is unkillable. He's immortal. Oh. Yeah. That's one of the things you get with the postmaster generalcy. You get a ring that makes you unkillable.

Then you have to pass it down. Yeah, well, to each successive postmaster general, certainly. Not to your children. You can't just make well to each successive postmaster general certainly not to your children you can't just make your child the next postmaster general that would be in violation of the constitution yeah this isn't a monarchy come on yeah you're right i'm being crazy sorry continue you go back to serbia you were talking about your dog okay so these two young ladies were kind enough to send us, and by us I mean myself and Coco, a gift. Now, you may remember earlier, a couple weeks ago on the program, I was talking about how I decided to buy a trench coat for Coco. Right.

They were kind enough to buy her a strawberry hoodie and a matching strawberry leash and needless to say guys this is an adorable situation that we have on our hands i haven't made her wear it lately because it's been over a thousand degrees every day but she puts it on and she can put what she can do is put her little dog hood on and then she can can, you know, she's wearing the hood. I'm going to say that that sounds like it makes her look adorable, but you look very gay. Look like a real ass? Yeah.

Hearing that made me feel like you feel when you barf a little bit in your mouth and then have to swallow it. And then I kind of feel a burning inside me. So, you know, thanks for that. That's adorableness. Yeah. Consuming you from the inside out. I thought it was bile, but apparently it's a strawberry dream patrol.

Wait, I'm going to ask. In my face. I want to ask Chad want to ask chad uh something chad fogland i know that you recently appeared on television now it has not taped an appearance for television that's true yeah this is our savvy audience they understand that when he talks about the taping that it hasn't necessarily aired yet jordan okay these people aren't idiots. Just clarifying. You said you recently appeared on TV. Jordan, ever since you started getting consumed from the inside

out by adorableness, you've really changed. Take a couple anti-adorableness tums. Now, hold on, guys. I just checked. Okay, rolling! I have some. Oakland, rolling! Jesus Christ! In Jordan's defense, my parents will listen to this, and they are stupid.

Okay. What are these welts on my dick? That's from Chad Foglin's parents. Oh. That's my dad! Always punching you in the dick. Take this, boy! Go get a switch, and put it on your dick.

Wait, so, no, but I want to know, I want to know what, first of all, what was the television program, Chad Fogland? I recently taped an episode of The New Gong Show. Not the old Gong Show. That was in the 1970s. Yes, sir. This is a new version of The Gong Show. Coming out on Comedy Central this July. That sounds fantastic yeah i'm

excited about this yeah it was it was quite a thing at first i was a little nervous about it because knowing the old gong show i was a little apprehensive but in all fairness i really had a wonderful time doing it we should super fun we should say what happens in the gong show people come out and do an act that can be any kind of act. One regular on the old gong show, Paul Rubens, who later became Pee Wee Herman, just doing different crazy shit. He would come out, and then when somebody got some, there's a panel. When somebody in the panel doesn't like it, they hit the gong.

And it's a celebrity panel. Yeah, it's like three celebrity judges, and you get like a minute and a half to perform. Yeah, and these would be people like, you know, Carol Channing and, yeah. Dom DeLuise. Sure. Or, you know, just random people off the street. Charles Nielsen Riley, too. Wait, random people off the street were on the panel, too?

No, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about contestants. No, we're talking about people on the panel right now. Wait, random people off the street were on the panel too? No, not at all. I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about contestants. No, we're talking about people on the panel right now. Carol Channing wouldn't perform in the gong show. She would be a judge. She's already well famous by then. So we're talking about the crew now.

Carol Channing from Hello Dolly. Yes, she runs the camera. No, Carol Channing. Hello Dolly., Dolly. Hello, Dolly. I got it, I got it, yeah. The boom operator. Yes, exactly.

What are you, I mean, where's your head at? I don't know where my head is. Okay, the host of the new, I know that the host of the new gong show is Mr. Dave Attell. Yes. A strange choice. That's a really weird choice. He's actually pretty good at it, though, I'll tell you. Is he really? Well, he's a funny man. Yes. A strange choice. That's a really weird choice. He's actually pretty good at it, though, I'll tell you.

Is he really? Well, he's a funny man. He's one of the best in terms of just funniness. Yeah, it was, I think when we were taping it, the great thing was, he has his own little table in the back when everyone's doing their act. He would just go back and smoke a cigarette in the background.

He wouldn't even watch. Yeah, so I don't know if that's going to be on the actual airing of it, if they're going to cut him out, but they would just sit back there and watch and just smoke. When we were in college, we had David Tell on the show on the phone, and Jordan asked him, this was when he was doing, what was his show called on Comedy Central? Insomniac. Insomniac. He was doing Insomniac. Insomniac.

Jordan asked him, if you could do insomniac in any historical period uh knights dinosaurs anything what would it be and uh he goes probably like uh the 70s because you could smoke pretty much anywhere and you didn't have to wear a seatbelt yeah and he meant it yeah absolutely it was a thoughtful considered answer when he showed up he came into the green room and talked to a lot of his contestants and he had like three packs of cigarettes in his hand and he's just like

I just want to make sure this is all fun no one's gonna you know just have fun alright guys you guys are great I'm gonna see you later tell me what the green the green room behind the new g Gong show is like. Well, it's gray. Okay.

It's all shot on one huge soundstage. And it's basically like a set. It's like a room that's a set. It's got a fake window. Okay. But it looks like it's leftover set pieces from a sitcom. Like, hey, here's someone's's apartment did you guys hang out there yeah we well they shot two

shows and we all hung out there while we did the rehearsal for the two shows and then group one went on the first show they got to stay there and I was in group two and we were escorted upstairs to a little room where a vent and three folding chairs were that's where we had to stay for the next three hours

while they taped the first one. Were there any snacks or an AM radio maybe? Was there a friendly detective and a mean detective? And someone was murdered. The lights went out periodically and someone came up with a knife in their back. No, there was great food. I remember it was me and Matt Davis and my manager, Jenny,

we were watching the craft service guy just make this. We didn't know what he was making for a long time. He's like, oh, I'm making chicken. And for the people at home, Chad's making a kneading motion with his hands. And also, for any entertainment industry outsiders, a manager is someone who operates a sort of microphone that's on the end of a long pole. Yeah, that's right.

Colloquially known as Carol Channing. Exactly. So my Carol Channing and I are watching Hello, Dolly. What you know, Dolly? Hey. Dolly. What you know, Dolly?

Dolly. Welcome to Oklahoma. Right, guys? Yeah, when you're a jet. Exactly. Anyway, I watched this guy. Anyway, speaking of Puerto Ricans. Yeah. Okay, so the guy is needing something.

Oh, no. So this guy, for three hours, we watched this guy make food. He's got chicken. He puts onions in it. He's cooking it up. Then he makes a salad. He makes this huge bowl of salad. And then he mixes them all together.

And it's taking forever. And he's really taking his time. And I'm thinking to myself, I don't know who this guy is. But I think he's in culinary school. Maybe he's really taking his time and i'm thinking to myself i don't know who this guy is but i think he's maybe he's in culinary school maybe he's like working his way through the system whatever he's making some kind of genius concoction well you gotta start somewhere if you want to eventually become a manager turns out uh chicken caesar wraps three hours three hours to make chicken caesar wraps and uh then they weren't that good oh they were about maybe a B.

It'd be funny if he made the whole thing, and then dumped it in the garbage, and then pulled out a Costco tray of chicken Caesar wraps. That's right. To be fair, though, if you get a B chicken Caesar wrap, that's better than the other choice, which is a C chicken Caesar wrap. There's really only two levels of chicken Caesar wrap.

I feel like I almost had to... I would have given him a C, but I gave him a B just because of prep time. He seemed like he really cared about it. Well, he poured his heart and soul into there. He didn't visibly piss in it. He didn't see him piss. You heard a piss-like sound. But I imagine he cried after he set it out,

and it was just swarmed by cast and crew, and it had gone in like five seconds, and he's just like, no one cared. Okay, so who is the celebrity panel at this thing? Oh, okay. Number one. Number one. Denise Richards.

No, Super Super Awesome, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was one of the judges. Wow. Hey, now. So he and Adam Carolla were the two judges on both shows. Oh. And on the first show was Kate Walsh from Grey's Anatomy. I don't know what that is. I know what Grey's Anatomy is. It's a popular show with ladies.

Yeah, I don't recognize the name, but I recognized her. She has red hair. She's one of them pretty girls. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, fellas. Hello. Boys night.

For my show, they had Triumph, Adam, Carolla, and then this comedy duo who I guess they perform out here in L.A. or something. I forget their names, like Dana or something. They were just like slutty tramps. I swear to God, whenever the camera would come down to them, they'd just shake their boobs. Is that part of their act, or were they just acting trampy? They were horrible.

If you can't tell whether it's part of their act, that's probably a bad sign. Yeah, it was. Yeah. I know, then I realized that like some of my friends who were there, some other comedians were like, no, no, they're great. They're really funny. They're good friends of mine. And I was like right after, like they're two feet away from me going like, those tramps are awful they're kind of bad but like they were they were i don't like no one knew who they were they probably thought you just meant instead of you know tramps is in slutty people they probably just thought you meant that they were you know

unemployed vagrants yeah that's i was talking about the homeless people who migrant workers yeah yeah which is yeah that's nice. So, okay, so. And to be fair to you, Chad, I've seen some pictures of the shooting. I haven't seen the dailies yet, but I've seen some stills. And they were wearing top hats where the top was sort of like. Oh, open up, yeah. Yeah, it was opened up sort of like the top of a can of chili. Yeah, it was Emmett Kelly.

Cloned. Yeah. Into two women. That's what it was. It was actually huge breasts. Yeah. Huge breasts that he would shake at the camera. Now that I think about it, weren't both of them the children's television program character, the littlest hobo, a dog that carried around a hobo bindle? Sure.

Yeah. So, okay. Now, Chad, you are a comedian. You're a noteworthy L.A. comedian. You have an act. I've certainly taken note of him. Several people have. And is this new gong show, is this all skilled comedians,

or is there like that American Idol, let's watch the shitty so-and-so? I don't – I'm unsure how much I can talk about it, or is there like that American Idol, let's watch the shitty so-and-so and laugh at them? I'm unsure how much I can talk about it, but there were people on there. Carol Channing listened to this show. There was a really awesome guy on my episode who was from Denver, Colorado, and he was an extreme unicyclist.

Oh, okay. And he was such a sweetheart. Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome. No, really, It was pretty wild. He was jumping over five-foot cabinets in Chef. Wow. Yeah, it was... The other thing was, he was

sitting by himself at the beginning, because we were there for 13 hours all day yesterday. He was sitting there by himself, and I came up to him and was like, hey man, what's going on? What do you do? And he's like, I don't know. I'm so nervous. I've never been on a plane before they flew me out here i don't know usually when he did he actually he tours the country but he doesn't on the unicycle he was like he was just the side of the road yeah it's it's four months between dates yeah he was he was so nervous and he was just like he's like oh he's like can

we add a second night yeah he was like 22 years old and just like there's a guy who had devoted his life to unicycling yeah yeah and like and he was like he was really good at it like he could do all this all this stuff and i bet he could juggle too yeah that's what i asked him i was like do you juggle on it and he's like oh no oh, no, I don't do that. Do you think that? Oh, no. Am I supposed to do that? Oh, fuck. I'm out of here. I'm so screwed, man. Help me. Help me.

Going back to Denver. Hey, hey, we're all from Denver. Hey, we're the Broncos. The Denver Broncos. Our accents are like this because we're from a mile high city. The atmosphere is so thin. Whoa! Hey, when I get down to the ground level, I got superhuman breathing abilities.

That's right. I've never been to Denver. Do they just ride unicycles? They're all Aquaman, too. they just ride unicycles they're all aquaman too which is this it was so not that useful what you don't know about denverites is they have a lifespan of five hours yeah they're like moths they have they get born and they quickly breed but you know what it's very tragic and kind of beautiful but they experience their full life the same way that we would experience our full life. Time just moves more slowly for them.

Yeah. Which is why they're so good at unicycling. Yeah. Anyway, continue. Oh. You guys are like, I've been unicycling for seven minutes. Woo! My whole life.

Anyway. No, he was great. And then there was another guy on the first show. It was the same kind of deal where he was like, I think he was from North Carolina or something. And his talent was beer pong and he was he was like just he would bounce a ping pong was this the kind of guy whose talent would be beer pong yeah no totally was this guy just the opposite of the unicycle guy pretty much like you give the unicycle guy a wedgie at any point

exactly it was it was like if they passed directly past each other, did like their wavelengths cancel each other out, and thus everything went completely silent? Yeah. Sure. There are negative and positive elements of the spectrum. Gotcha. No, but like the unicycle guy was really

like a corn-fed, like, sweetheart Midwestern, you know, good-looking fresh-faced boy. And then the other guy, the beer pong guy, was kind of an overweight frat guy. And I remember we were waiting for the rehearsal, and I'm sitting there with the beer pong guy. And he's like, oh, man, I haven't really been able to get the beer pong to work. I mean, I've been drinking Jack and Coke since 10 a.m.

I was like, what? Jack and Coke's like, I snuggled it in, what? Jack and Coke, I snuggle it in. The only way I can do it is I'm really drunk. So he was just drinking all day long. And the worst part is, from what I'm hearing, he snuggled the Jack and Coke. Admittedly, I have a speech in sediment. Hello! Hello! Admittedly, I have a speech in sediment. Hey. Hello. If there's any Carol Channings out there listening,

somebody's looking for management. That's right. And you can't say whether or not you won. No, I really don't think I should say who won or what happened or anything. There's a lot of betting, a lot of off-track betting happens. OTB, yeah. I will say that doing my thing like well it's too i can't say i can't say but it was it was super super awesome i'm gonna cut

i'm gonna cut through all the bullshit and go straight to what everyone wants to know i can't tell you whether i won and let's be clear it wasn't just a Learjet or a Cessna. It was Wonder Woman's invisible jet. Is it also the gold tuxedo I'm wearing right now? Chloe's seven years waiting in Jesse's living room for Chad to get done. There's a question

that everyone across America wants to hear you answer. It has nothing to do with whether you won or lost on the Gong Show. It's very simple. Did you learn the identity of the unknown comedian? Did you sneak up behind him and pull that paper sack off

of his head? Yes, and I will tell you who it is right now. It's Carol Channing. We also would have accepted Denver Aquaman. Or Tim Russert. Tim Russert, sure. Also a fine choice. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chad Fogland, over here. Nice. Good. That's another good one. It's a well of nicknames. Jordan, we went to New York City. Yes.

That's why we weren't able to tape a podcast last week. We went to New York City. Sure. We went for separate reasons, but I... Did you spread the news? Sure, right. That I was leaving today. Yeah.

Okay. I was there for Sketchfest NYC. Had a great time hanging out with the different sketch comedy groups. The award for nicest sketch comedy group goes to Troop. Los Angeles' Troop.

Just the sweetheart. Just peaches. I can attest to that. Yeah, I've helped them out teching some of their shows, and they are awesome. They're just peaches, aren't they? They are great. They are super nice. Among a million great, sweet sketch groups, we had a meetup in New York City. Good meetup.

We met a lot of cool teens. We met E-Beth. And we met Mr. E-Beth, a very nice fellow in his own right. He's no E-Beth. No, he's no E-Beth. But that's a lot to ask. Sure. You see what I'm saying?

And I was in New York for a different reason. It just happened to be we were there on the same weekend. Yeah, I don't even know. What were you doing in New York for a different reason. It just happened to be we were there on the same weekend. Yeah, I don't even know. What were you doing in New York? I was there working for Fuel TV, and I was there because Red Bull, energy drink company Red Bull, set up a world record quarter pipe in Central Park, and this guy, this BMX superstar, Kevin Robinson, set a record. That guy's a superstar.

Yeah. Set a record by jumping the highest on this thing. He's from the movie BMX, right? Yeah. Was he also in Rad? Yeah. I mean, well, he was, I mean, yeah. Gleaming the Cube?

Yes, that as well. And wasn't he in that group of BMXers? You guys know more 80s extreme sports movies than I do. Jesus. He was in that group of BMXers that Pee Wee Herman tried to impress by doing bike tricks until he fell. He was the kid who went, radical. Yeah, that's the guy. That was him, right?

This is all him. Exactly. This is all him. Kevin Robinson. Radical. Absolutely. And kind of a big moment happened for me

while I was there. You set the world record for quarter pipe bicycling. I did. And then the world record for getting beat up by Kevin Robinson. He's a big guy. I don't know if you've seen pictures of him. That's my bicycle.

Get off it. That's not radical. Hands off my wife. Wait, his wife has his bicycle? Disgusting. Jordan fucked it anyway. Well, he would. I put my dicks in the spokes. You I put my dicks in the spokes

You put all your dicks in the spokes Every dick in the spokes like a baseball card I went ow ow ow ow come Anyway I want to give a big shout out To Chad Fogelman's parents Out there in radio land Hello Daniel and Christy Mr. and Mrs. Channing parents out there in radio land hello daniel and christy mr and mrs channing

what a horrible callback we have made for the show who gives a shit mr and mrs channing how you guys doing under the sea my parents are aquaman john John and Jane Aquaman. John and Jane. Unfortunately for you, the ability to talk to fish and guilt are both recessive traits which you did not receive. But boy, my kids. You had a powerful moment besides fucking the bicycle.

And I've never until now understood the impulse that a pre-teen girl will have to see something she likes and scream at it. Exactly. I've never understood this. I've had to work at premieres for things like Harry Potter where there are a lot of girls as soon as they see like uh uh shit i can't remember the name of a single person in harry potter efron not in harry potter but

that's someone who i was gonna do a joke name what's an old guy in harry potter so i can go back and edit this in oh shit who's the guy who played the bad guy in the first Die Hard? He was in the Harry Potter movies. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Who is he? Yakov Smirnoff? No. That's me, Yakov. That's the character he played. Who was that guy that played the bad guy in the first Die Hard?

Alan Cumming. Alan Cumming. No, it's not Alan Cumming. No, wait, no, it's Alan Rickman. Alan Rickman, there you go. Boom. Alan Cumming, that's what I was thinking. And then I'm like, no, that's that little gay guy.

Yeah, he played Nightcrawler in X-Men. He's religious. Yes, he is. Super, super Catholic. I thought you were talking about Alan Cumming. And I thought, I don't know if that jives with the rest of the picture I've gotten of Alan Cumming. His mythology. Yeah.

His mythos. I've never of Alan Cummings' career. His mythology. Yeah. His mythos. Anyways, I've never understood this. In all the things I've liked as a child, I've never wanted to scream at any of them. Right, no. It would be silly. It would be embarrassing. But while I was there,

who should saunter up to the VIP area but David Letterman. Yeah. Yeah. And I felt that. I felt that impulse. I felt that impulse to point at him and scream without any, like, knowing very well that it either would get an A, no reaction,

or B, a negative reaction. And I'm sure teen girls are smart enough. Letterman's known for his hospitality to fans and people he doesn't know yeah yeah and i'm sure that that teen girls you know who get who are reasonably intelligent know that when they scream at you know the jonas brothers it's not going to get them married to the jonas brothers you know like uh it's not like when davis it's's not like when David Letterman screams at the Jonas Brothers, and there's really, something's going to come out of that.

Sure. But yeah, and it's always just been my... That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Boy heard dream to write for the David Letterman show, and then to be fired by David Letterman. Oh, my God. It's a two-part dream. Holy shit.

But yeah, and it really cemented for me what an important figure he is for me in my life. And then to commit suicide in David Letterman's office. Yeah. And get blood all over his Emmys. Then he'll remember me forever. Can I say something about David Letterman? You saying that you won a right for David Letterman

reminds me of the fact that I have like a third or fourth cousin on my father's side. His name is Andy Forsberg. And for one Christmas, when he found out I was a comedian, he was raised on a farm. Forsberg? No. Shit, I can't remember the name of it. If you don't remember it, I'm ending this show now. Marriott, Nebraska.

Okay. Continue. For one Christmas, he gave me four sheets of paper of just jokes, stand-up jokes, that he was like, there you go. And he's a very kind of like... Like he had written these stand-up jokes? And then about a year later, he sent me a script. It was a script for David Letterman that he wanted me to give to David Letterman. Now, this is... He just assumed that you living in LA will probably run into David Letterman at some wanted me to give to David Letterman. Now, this is...

He just assumed that you, living in L.A., will probably run into David Letterman at some point? At the Friars Club, for example. Then I know I have contacts with David Letterman who films in New York and I live in L.A. Secondly, it was a script, a full script for a David Letterman show.

You know even the interview? It had the interviews in it and everything. It was from monologue to each guest, what the guest would say, what David said back. What? He thinks that's how it's done? That's how it was. It was crazy. Who were the guests?

What? Well, him and Chad Fogel. Arnold Schwarzenegger was one of them. I can't remember when the second one was, but I was the third them. I can't remember the second one, but I was the third guest. Oh, he's like, hey, I'll throw you a bone here. I'll get you on the show.

Well, finally someone's looking out for your career because Carol Channing's not doing shit. That's right. Oh, it was hilarious. But he had... He didn't write the songs by the musical guest, did he? No, there was no musical guest. Oh, you were the comic. Yeah, I write the songs By the musical guests Did he? No There was no musical guests Oh okay

It was just the three guests Oh you were the comic Sure Yeah I was the third at the end And But yeah Some of his jokes He wrote for me

Did he specify Which songs Vaguely connected To the guest's Name or career Paul Schaefer And the band would play He didn't

Like for example Did he say Arnold Schwarzenegger enters, the band plays Mr. Big Stuff? No, he didn't go that far, no. He's a little light. He doesn't have a final draft. This was all in a word doc.

This was actually on one of those word processing typewriters. Yeah, he did have moments where Dave would go, what do you think about that, Paul? And you'd just have a Paul line, and he's like, yep, that sounds good, Dave. sounds good date like it was just like right in the band wait well you were about to tell us one of his jokes that he wrote oh uh he gave me like four page jokes and i have i've done him as a character with these jokes and written my own versions of his jokes but

one of the ones i always remember is um if you're dating a girl named Rachel and you beat her up, is that considered Rachel, oh shit, Rachel discrimination? I almost forgot it, jeez. But they're like jokes like that, and then they even get to the point where they're so crazy. He has a good, I mean, he has Letterman's voice down. Yeah. As a comic. Yeah, they're in the style of Letterman, definitely. I think there was one that was even like,

my wife insisted on wearing white to our wedding, but my wife is very fat, so when she came down the aisle, I thought I was marrying the Michelin man. That's the butt jump. It's the punch of it.

It's like, mm-hmm, okay. It was just like, shh. The fields have ears of corn. Wow, yeah. Four pages of that. Wow. What I'm really impressed is that he got a whole show into that four pages.

Oh, no, there was four pages of jokes, and then... And then the show script was separated. The spec script for David Letterman. Spec Letterman. So did you, I mean, was he able to get representation? Yeah. He's got Carol Channing as his manager. Oh, fantastic. Well, great. That's bully Carol Channing as his manager now. Oh, fantastic.

Well, great. That's bully for him is what I say. Bully indeed. Bully for him. Huzzah. He's currently in Judd Apatow, right? Yeah. My cousin is Judd Apatow.

And today that man writes Carson Daly's monologue. Shazam. Hello. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Woo-hoo! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chad Fogelin lives inside of a painting. That's bullshit. Don't try and bullshit us. You were three for three, Fogelin. I know, I fell down. You just ended your streak of perfect nicknames. Can we talk about sponsors and sponsorship for a moment, Jordan?

Yeah. This is a program. This is not a not-for-profit program. No, we're looking to profit. We are trying to profit. We want Bentleys. We want a second Bentley. Each.

Each of us wants two Bentleys. That's a total of six Bentleys, because shit, Fogelman needs some Bentleys. That's right. I want a Bentley to drive me to my Bentleys. Yeah. To wit, we have some sponsors. However, here's the thing. If you have a Bentley, you're going to want to what?

Travel the world. Oh, yeah. Travel the world, right? Let's say you have a Bentley. For instance. For instance. For instance. You're rich, so you're probably the self-improvement type. Where's the first place you would...

Jordan, where's the first place... Chad Fogelman, where's the first place you would go? If I was a self-improvement type? Yeah, and you had a Bentley and you wanted to travel the world. Probably south? You'd head south. Jordan, where south? If you were headed south of the border, where would you head?

What? I'm going to say Mexico What state in Mexico would you choose? Okay, rich guy You're a rich guy I have a lot of disposable income There's a lot of income here I have the time for these kind of self-betterment pursuits

And I want to be clear, Jordan. You're not just trying to travel the world. You're trying to travel the world and better yourself. What Mexican state would you visit? Oaxaca. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. That's where I would go.

How would you improve yourself? Oh, well, I only speak one language right now. I mean, that's the dream, isn't it? Two languages? Two languages. Absolutely. To be bilingual. To be bi. Yeah. dream, isn't it? Two languages? Two languages. Absolutely. To be bilingual. To be bi.

Yeah. You would want to study Spanish. You're fucking curious. I am. You would want to study Spanish in Oaxaca, if I'm not mistaken. Man, that sounds great. Just hearing you say that, man, it's just beautiful. What if I said this?

Yeah. StudiespanishinOaxaca.com. Is there a website that can broker such a pursuit? Yeah, absolutely. Let's say you want to attend the Español Interactivo Language School. That's where you'll get learning through interaction in Oaxaca. Wait, learning through interaction? Yeah, absolutely.

You'll be talking with Oaxacans. That's the only way I can learn. And learning Spanish. Exactly. That's the best way to learn a language. It's immersive. You're going to be, if you like, you can live with a Oaxacan family in Oaxaca. And I'll tell you this about Oaxaca.

I have been to Oaxaca. It is a great, one of the best Mexican states. Does Sammy Hagar have a restaurant there? Probably. Does he have a Cabo wabo Oaxaca he has a Oaxaca shawaka

that's Jordan's qualification for visiting any Mexican state is does Sammy Hagar have a theme restaurant

if this is true then I can't drive 55 to get there no yeah well the Bentley can really you put the

pedal to the metal on that bad boy there we go away we go boom Away we go. Boom, boom. Okay, so our new sponsor on Jordan, Jesse, go. StudiespanishinOaxaca.com is the website of Español Interactivo, which is a real Spanish school in Oaxaca, completely, totally real.

It is not only is this a really amazing. Completely real. Well, you know. Not, yeah. We're silly guys. No, I'm sure. I can see how people might think this would be fake. No.

It's not, though. It's not. It's really cool. And in fact, I really want to go there. And I've been emailing back and forth some sort of scheme that gets me to get to go there. Because I really... When I was in Oaxaca, I was pretty young, but I just loved it so much. We'll do a live podcast from Oaxaca.

Yeah, absolutely. We would be in Español. No. That would be a podcast. Also,aca. Yeah, absolutely. We would be en Español. No. That would be a podcast. We molo. Two minutes long. I'm going to invite myself along. Great.

Good thinking, Chad. Well, you're the one who really has two Bentleys. That's true. From your gong show money. Sweet, sweet gong. Okay, so here's the deal. If you want to learn Spanishanish interactively if you want to study spanish in a spanish school you can stay with a oaxacan family these nice houses with

nice oaxacan families they want to host you if you can take cooking classes you can do it a couple hours a day you can do it a bunch of hours a day you can do it at any skill level all this different shit right you go to study spanish in oaxaca.com If you don't know how to spell Oaxaca, it's O-A-X-A-C-A. O-A-X-A-C-A. Oaxaca. StudySpanishInOaxaca.com. And I, through my badgering,

I have badgered them into agreeing to saying that if you say when you register that you heard about it on Jordan Jesse Go, they'll give you 10% off. Wow. That's called a call to action, Jordan. And I would like to suggest that they have a new slogan called Come Walk Like a Oaxacan.

It's a terrible slogan. But we get the old band together that sang Walk Like a Oaxacan. The Bengals. The Bengals. We have to recut the song. Walk like a Oaxacan. Walk like a Oaxacan. Walk like a Oaxacan. Hello, Dolly.

Tim Russert just died. StudySpanishInOaxaca.com Jordan Jesse Goim, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I'm Chode Fagland. Chad. I was going to call you that, but you beat me to it. I know.

Many people like to call me that. We're not supposed to use our actual nicknames, like from school. Well, my actual nickname from junior high in high school was Chattatello Fagland. Chattatello? Chattatello Fagland. Chattatello? Mm-hmm. I was... Is that because you worked at the Olive Garden? No, because it was a science class, and we were talking about mutation, and Teenage

Ninja Turtles, the movie, just come out, seventh grade. And the teacher goes, anyone see that movie? And I raised my hand because I had seen it. And I liked that movie so much. But it was uncool. Oh, very uncool. We all saw it. But we can't like it.

We're 13 years old. We're starting to get interested in girls and growing pubic hair. We're very interested in growing pubic hair. That's why we're taking this science class. What can I say? Our balls are cold cold nebraska winter oh yeah um i i remember some kid calling me michael jordan uh in in elementary school and being really upset about it and i kind of ran home and was crying and my mom

asked me she's like what's the matter i I'm like, this kid called me Michael Jordan. He won't stop. She's like, you should take it as a compliment. Michael Jordan is very good at basketball. And I said, but I'm no good at basketball. You know, when I was in elementary school, we used to play basketball, like pick up basketball. And I don't know, we were eight or nine.

We would pick what teams our team would be, and we'd pick which guy we would be. For some reason, my team always ended up being the Blazers, the Portland Trail Blazers, which is, you know, this was a good time for the Portland Trail Blazers. It was perfectly reasonable. This was the Clyde Drexler years, but somehow I always ended up being Kevin Duckworth. Well, we were always the Washington Generals. Yeah. So. Jordan, speaking of cold balls.

Yeah. I've taken on my most dad-like tendency to date, And this has nothing to do with the heat. It's pretty hot in L.A. these days, but this started happening pre-excruciating heat. Right now, as soon as I get home, I take my pants off. Oh, I do that too. Do you? No, my apartment is so hot,

and I don't have air conditioning or anything. Now, I'm going to pause what you're saying here, Chad. You're being an adjordant apologist, which is fine. It's important for the guest to have a role in the conversation. But what I'm hearing from Jordan, and perhaps you can clarify this, is that this

isn't a function of heat or hotness. It's not wanting to have pants on all around the house. I don't know, and I don't know what started, but it's almost an excitement. As I'm walking through the courtyard of my building to my apartment, I start undoing my belt.

And then I proceed to hang around in my house in my underwear. I don't like, yeah, anyways. Is this just the euphoria of the fact that your housemate is traveling far from your house? Yeah, I mean, maybe that's it. I mean, me and my housemate keep kind of drastically different schedules these days, and we're both kind of traveling at different times,

and she's certainly not there while I'm there. And she certainly doesn't want to see your underwear. No, absolutely not. Is there a bit of a thrill that maybe she'll walk in one day and, Whoa, I didn't know you were going to be here. And catch me drinking a vitamin water and playing Mario Kart in my underwear? And hard boxers. No, there's no thrill in that at all.

No, it's not titillating. It's thrilling for her, certainly. I wouldn't say it's kind of thrilling for me. Thinking about that. Would you mind playing Super Mario Battle Game? Oh, Super Smash Brothers, Jesse. Sorry. Come on, man.

I thought I could say the name of that if I started saying it. Yeah, it's fine. I ended up with Super Mario Battle Game. Although I can't wait for that to come out. Yeah, man, it's going to be good. That's one where he shoots Halo guys. I heard it has really innovative use of the Wiimote. I hear Battletoads are involved.

Oh, man, if only. If only. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what that is. I did it for a month before I started thinking about the fact that I was doing it. Do you ever put something on your balls? Do you ever ice your balls? I'll put some Gold Bond on it these days.

Oh, some Gold Bond medicated powder to keep the itch down. Or some Target brand body powder. So you'll just powder up a little bit. Yeah, I'll powder up a little bit. You're not afraid to powder up. Do you use a poof? A powder poof? No, I'll just squeeze it between my legs.

Go like this. Okay. I have the gold bond, and I'll just squeeze it on my business and do like this and give it a little rub. Just give it a rub down? Yeah, Bob's your uncle. With a nice body powder. Yeah, a Target brand body powder.

When you were younger, though, this is kind of an off subject, but speaking of powder in your balls, when you were younger, though, this is kind of off subject, but speaking of powder in your balls. Sure. Did you wear whitey tighties and then switch to boxers, or were you always boxers? Gosh. Because I know you're a boxer, man. Now, wink, wink, wink. No, no.

Actually, I have had a little bit of – we talked about underwear change on the show. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you did. I did hear that episode. You're an idiot. No, no. Jack Foglin, by the way, gets the award

for first ever guest on Jordan, Jesse, Go who even has any idea what this is. Yeah. I was going to say has listened to it but even understands

the basic thing that we're doing. So here's to Fogland. Thank you very much. Yeah, no, you know, I was boxers as a child. I cannot remember a time as a child

where I wore tighty-whities. But recently I'm about half and half, half brief, half boxer. Really? Yeah, because I grew up wearing tighty-whities, and it wasn't until college that I switched to boxers. And there was an initial period of, like, maybe a month or two months where, like, I just couldn't get used to it. Like, I couldn't get used to it all just hanging down.

Yeah. And I had to wear, like, powder for a while, while but then i kind of now i don't need to anymore when you wear a boxer short do you find that it cleaves that it cleaves your that it rides up and cleaves the sack that it dry that it wedges what are you talking about that it'll that somehow your stuff will get balanced on the seam, and as it rides up, it'll cleave. I think I know what you're describing, and no. Yeah, no. It sounds like they don't fit right or something. Oh.

I do have them. Are you buying them two sizes too small? Four. Oh. Is that too many sizes too small? Yeah, usually you want to go... I normally wear a large, but I'm buying a negative small. I'm buying a woman's bikini brief. Going to a boxer.

Perfect. Now I'm wearing a woolen 19th century bathing costume Calling it a boxer Is that right? Is that what I should be wearing? I'm just wearing To be clear, I am at the seaside at Atlantic City It's very interesting because I'm just wearing Mike Tyson We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chad Fogland, the nickname. It's good to have you here, Chad. Things are really going downhill in the Chad introducing himself department. Yeah, I'm hoping to get... In like a lion, out like a lamb, I think is the expression.

Well, that's how I like to do it, ladies. Ladies. Start strong, peter out. Yep. Well, that's how I like to do it, ladies Ladies Start strong, peter out Can we do momentous occasions? Can we hit the tape here? Yes Hey Jesse, Jordan Goat, this is Baxter from Indiana I'm calling with momentous occasion

Yesterday I had my hand on my girlfriend's pants for the first time Thanks you guys, love the shit, bye Hands up her pants? Down the pants. Did he say up or down? He said down the pants. I heard down. Why, do you usually do up?

Yeah, you go through the leg hole. Right. Work your way all the way up. That's the best way to get to the calf, right? Yeah. Because what you want to do is you kind of want to get behind the knee and just flick it with two fingers. Just making like a little two-finger flicky motion.

A little two-finger. You get up in there, and then you... And then you blow on it. You also blow on the calf. I like to go from the lower back and then up and around. Yeah. And then up to the chest.

Yeah, so you go down the pants to get to the breasts. Yeah. Okay. Are you going breasts or clavicle? I usually go clavicle. It's because it's harder. It's cool.

You can tap out a rhythm on it. I like to go through her sleeve to get to her car. Oh, man. That's golden. What's that guy's problem? What's his deal? What does he want? He doesn't have a problem. It's a. What's that guy's problem? What's his deal? What does he want?

He didn't have no problem. It was a momentous occasion in his life. It was the first time he put his hand down his girlfriend's pants, which is really great. I hope he at least cares about this girlfriend. You know, you want to try and share those kind of moments with somebody that you like. I hope he just didn't put it down there going, yay, and went away. He just ran off into the woods. I did it. He just stuck the put it down there going, yay, and went away. He just ran off into the woods. I did it.

He just took the hand down there. Okay, guys, I got to make a phone call. Did it. Hold tight, Cheryl. I'll be right back. I got to go to my jab at the care wash. Just so you guys know, we're the super fans. For some reason.

And we live in Denver. Okay, okay. One more important momentous occasion. Hey in Denver. Okay, okay. One more important, momentous occasion. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Mark over in New York. I guess this is a mix of a proud moment and just something I have to get off my chest.

I told my dog this great joke, but there was nobody there. It was just my dog. And I need to tell somebody. So my dog has a tendency to defecate freely. His standards are more lax than ours about where and when he's going to do that. So I was leaving my house, and I was talking to him, and I said, all right, don't, just absentmindedly, I just threw out, don't do anything I wouldn't do. And I said, and don't do-do anywhere I wouldn't do-do.

And I thought it was really good. All right, later. Now it's one for the ages. So his momentous occasion was that he was drunk for the first time? It's good that you got that in the podcast of note. Jordan, I want to make sure that's an important joke that he told to his dog, and otherwise his dog didn't really understand it,

which is good, because otherwise his dog would have tried to go to the bathroom in the toilet, which would have had disastrous consequences. Yes. Okay, okay. We got a couple of quick listener questions here okay hi jordan jesse go uh could you guys please please please tell the story about how you made someone cry by

talking about radiohead in the wrong way or whatever uh thanks a lot guys bye that's one of two occasions where we and by we i mean I, made listeners who called in cry. I mentioned either last show or a few shows ago that Jesse made someone cry by criticizing Radiohead. And honestly, I can't think of the exact instance where that happened. That was more of a composite story about what Jesse was like in college, which is to say... Uncompromising. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, maybe perhaps too vigorous with his criticism and making people feel like it was personal. Somebody, we were talking, some of the issue of Radiohead came up. This was right when Radiohead had moved from being... Oh, can you think of a specific instance where it happened? I remember how it happened. If you made somebody cry on the radio, you'd remember, right? Yes.

And this is good because this is the one where it was their fault that they cried as opposed to the time I made that little kid cry and it was my fault. That's my moment of shame. But I do feel bad about this Radiohead thing. Nobody deserves to be made to cry. But when Radiohead came up, this was right around the time that they released their first album of Meeps and Moops

after a career as a rock and roll band. And we had a running joke on the show that radiohead that we were we were going to start our own radiohead and we would just record a set of silverware being thrown down a flight of stairs and a woman called in we were a real class act yeah funny too a young woman called in and uh disagreed with us but i was insistent on the point i didn't i didn't change it at no point did i get personal or sensical at no point did i say anything that could actually be interpreted as a real criticism of radiohead i wasn't saying like you could just throw a fucking set of silverware down the stairs and make them get Radiohead.

They're no Zeppelin. That wasn't what it was like. It was like the tone that I just set it in was the tone that it was in. And she started crying. So there's that. She was a girl. She was probably on PMS. Yeah, nice.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, when those girls start taking that PMS. You know, when they get on that PMS drug. Yeah, absolutely. Disgusting. No, thank you. They get the strength of ten broads. Yep.

They lift the car. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Henry in Los Angeles. I'm calling about your last show when you were discussing the fact that Jordan only wears or only owns one belt. And Jesse recommended that he own two belts, one black and one brown. Well, I just wanted to let you know that I only own one belt, but it's reversible, black on one side, brown on the other. So there's a third option.

It's really great. The only problem is it has a reversible clasp, which occasionally pinches my skin and is very painful. So I'll be sitting at work, and if I shift in my chair in the wrong way, all of a sudden I have to start clutching at my waist. But other than that, I highly recommend the reversible belt. All right, thanks, guys. Bye. Here's another problem. That is like wearing golf shoes to work. Wearing a reversible belt is just an unforgivable. Wait, what if I don't have a black pair of shoes that I need a belt for?

Then you can just stick with a brown belt. But you should really have a black, you should have a pair of black shoes, for one thing, for my wedding. That's like two weeks, right? Yeah, I think we're looking at six weeks at this point. You can just get some black spray paint. Spray my brown shoes black.

Then I'll need a new belt. A reversible belt isn't even a belt. That's more of like a waist strip. A waist strip. For your waist. Yeah, exactly. Okay, now this is a follow-up on last week's program. This is an important follow-up.

I think you're going to learn a lot from this. What happened on last week's program? We just ran our mouths for about 90 minutes until everybody got too bored to listen anymore. Wait, did I say 90 minutes? We ran our mouths for 90 minutes, but people got too bored to listen around 15, 12 to 15. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Bill. This is Las Vegas Ben. I'm calling because I just made the root beer coffee drink

and it is outstanding. I give it an A+. Here's what I did. I brewed a pot of coffee. I left it in the fridge overnight. It cooled down. In the morning, I put it in a glass, some ice, added some root beer, some root beer, a little bit of milk,

a little bit of sweetener, and delicious. I'll be enjoying it again this summer. Have a nice day. That's golden, right? Yeah, and I can tell right away from that story why they call him Las Vegas Ben. Yeah, he's a real slick as shit type. He's a gambler.

He gambled with that coffee. He did. But he won big. He did, and he won big. It came up all sevens yeah is that a gambling thing yeah all aces would have been a little bit better yeah oh dead man's hand he got the dead man no he blackjacked it right he gave it a real roulette uh can we make this an action item uh what is the best the best recipe that you can tell us that involves like four steps or fewer, something like that?

The best unbelievably simple recipe that you can tell us. And understand that we're really only going to play it. We're not going to make all these and test how good they are. So we're really only going to play it if it's amazing, like the fact that apparently if you combine root beer and coffee, you get a really tasty drink. I don't see why this guy added sweetener. Is that root beer not sweet enough for you, fella? Well, he needs a little sweetener to sweeten the coffee.

Oh, yeah. What kind of root beer did he add? That's what I want to know. Because certain root beers are sweeter than others, and some are... Yeah, and I feel like there's a huge disparity between root beer brands. Yes, yeah. Like a mug and a Barks. A mug is just a world of difference.

A mug is just sugar water. Well, Barks doesn't taste like anything besides sugar. Barks got bite. Sure. And by bite, you mean caffeine. Yes. It's caffeinated. Exactly.

Although I love root beer, but I love cream soda even more. And my favorite cream soda ever since I was a kid has always been A&W cream soda, which is I think the only cream – well, I think most of them have, but that has caffeine. Yeah. Snoozer. Anyway. Anyway, so I'm going to offer – Some clarification, please.

I'm going to offer a little – your recipes don't have to be soda pop related. And, of course, you can post them on the discussion forum, and I encourage you to post them on the discussion forum so everyone can see them because we'll only be able to play a couple on the radio. It would help if it was a cool weather thing, too, or a hot weather thing. Yeah, well, for us, it would help for us. Well, it is summertime. Yeah.

Unless you're in Australia. Yay. I recommend. If that's true, stop listening. We don't want you're in Australia. Yay. I recommend. If that's true, stop listening. We don't want you. This is actually a cool weather thing. A hot Dr. Pepper. This is what you do.

You have to let it go flat because the carbonation won't cook out of it. It gets weird. So you just open it up. If you're going to make it in the morning, you just open it up the night before, leave it on the counter or whatever. Let it go flat. And you heat it up. And it's important. You heat it up the night before, leave it on the counter or whatever. Let it go flat. And you heat it up. And it's important, you heat it up,

you don't let it boil, and you add some lemon. You're going to want to add a wedge of lemon to that. What? That sounds crazy. It's really nice. Sounds disgusting. It's really good. It's really good. When do you drink that? You know, on a cool morning, like a cool fall morning. Like with breakfast? Yeah, like the same way you would drink a coffee or a tea.

Wasn't Dr. Pepper just prune juice anyway? There's no prunes in Dr. Pepper. That's a myth. Oh. Well, it always gave me the shits. Hey. Hello. Hey.

And we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chad Fogelman. Fuck you, Chad. Seriously, get the fuck out of my sight. Wow.

Man, I had such high hopes. This shit is boiling over for me right now. Man, I remember when a young Chad Fogelman sauntered into the studio and fucking blurted into the studio and and fucking blurted out the greatest nicknames this program has ever heard you're the albert bell of podcasting you came on really strong in the early years but then you just blew out you have been horse shit and we'll be lucky if we can collect on the insurance policy we had on your multi-million dollar sticking in there till the end i I'm never going to let go.

You came in with Wayne's World 1 and now you're firing the love guru up our asses. Hey, that failed, by the way. Good for you, America. Yeah, but on the other hand, Jordan, I feel sickened. I don't want to hear people complain about Mike Myers anymore. I mean, I understand. I don't want to hear people complain about Mike Myers anymore.

I mean, I understand. I'm glad that it failed because who knows, maybe it'll make Mike Myers make something good. I mean, I'm not counting on it, but it's conceivable. I mean, I certainly don't want to encourage him to be bad anymore. I don't want any more movies with midgets in them, little people. But still, I feel like he's given us enough. The man's like 47.

How many 47-year-olds are funny? Sure. Especially like millionaire. Woody Allen and Albert Brooks. There's the list. Millionaire recluse 47-year-olds. Yeah, exactly. Sure. But I think there's no reason to gloat.

There's no reason to dance in his tears. You know what I'm saying? You know what he should do? He should just do internet shorts from now on for FunnyOrDie.com. Or my damn channel. Or any other YouTube. Any other soon-to-fail company.

FunnyVideos.net. And perhaps the already-failed SuperDeluxe.com. Oh, boy. Okay, MomentsOfShame. net and perhaps the already failed super deluxe.com oh boy okay moments of shame you know it's funny jordan the love guru was sort of like mike myers moment of shame sure that's why i'm the anchor and he's the sidekick and i'm the boy and you fire. I thought you were going to say that's why I'm the anchor and he's the ship. Oh man, that was funny but mean. Because I'm fat? No, because I'm

dragging you down. Hello, this is Trevor from New Westminster, BC calling. My most embarrassing moment? It was when I was 15 and I was making out with my first girlfriend and, you know, doing all the fun things that you do when you're making out with your first girlfriend. And I was fully clothed, but I had to go to the bathroom.

So I went to the bathroom, but due to my excitation, I was unable to pee standing up. I had to pee sitting down and sort of bend myself over on the toilet so that the pee could flow. What I didn't realize is after I got the pee flowing that it overshot the edge of the toilet bowl and got the back of my pants and the back of my underwear all wet with pee. So here I am in someone else's parents' bathroom with peed on pants and underwear. I took them off, I rinsed them out in the sink, and then I put them back on, mortified what I was going to say

and what I was going to do when I went back out to my girlfriend. So what did I do? I didn't say anything. And I remember she put her arm around me and she touched my wetness. And I didn't say anything at all. I was too embarrassed to do anything. So it went unspoken. And we didn't stay together too much longer after that. I don't think that was the cause, but, and, yeah, it was embarrassing. It's easy. Well, yes, that was clearly the cause.

Yeah. You just tell her. You tell yourself you just grew apart. You just should have told her, I had to rinse my pants real quick. My advice in any situation like this, just feign confidence. Just pure, just come out. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

That's right, yeah. Yeah, peed on him, washed him in the sink. Peed on him, washed him. So where were we? Yeah, where were we? Let's get back to Breast X. Yeah, you go. I am so hard that I pissed all over my pants.

That's how fucking raging. That's how hot you got me. Okay, okay, next tale of shame. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is John in St. Louis. First of all, I love the podcast. The show is amazing, and the world would be a more terrible place if your podcast ever went off the air. So anyway, I just had to say that.

Anyway, I'm calling about the action item of sharing a moment of shame, and when you gave that as an action item, I immediately had something pop into my head, so I want to share it with you. Here's the situation. I'm 33 years old right now, but this happened when I was a sophomore in high school, and it's still vivid to me to this day. What happened was, when I was a sophomore, I had stolen a Playboy magazine from a Walden Books in a mall, and took it home, hid it in my room.

My brother knew about it. We shared a room, and of course, he didn't mind looking at it himself. So anyway, I had this magazine hidden in the room, and my brother never ratted me out. I had secrets on him, he had secrets on me, so it kind of canceled each other out. And no one knew about this secret magazine that I had stolen from the mall. magazine that I had stolen from the mall. Well, one time my brother was getting in trouble with my parents and wanted to deflect the attention he was getting. So he decided to tell my parents that I had stolen this magazine. And this had nothing to do with why he was getting in trouble. He just wanted the attention off of him. So, you know, he ratted me out and totally disrupted the balance of power

that we had with our secrets. So, anyway, needless to say, I was horrified that my mom comes and asks me about this Playboy magazine. And, you know, for my mom to know that I'm looking at women like this, it was just very, very embarrassing.

Sexually. To make matters worse, she decides I have to take it back to the store and return it confessing it to the people at the mall and she decides she's going to go with me it was so horrifying i had to take the magazine back and of course there has to be a woman there at the counter that I have to go up take the magazine say hi my name is John and I stole this magazine from your store sorry if some of the pages are stuck together ah completely completely embarrassing and horrifying with my mother standing right there so anyway I felt great shame that day. Thankfully,

no charges were pressed. I was just completely humiliated. Anyway, keep up the good work. And I'm going to go cry now. Bye. It would have been awesome if they had pressed charges. It's like you did the right thing now. I would just like to, the other punishment would have been like, you're going to go back to that store and you're going to buy every single porno magazine. You're going to read all of them. You're going to read every – you're going to jack off to every picture and every single one of those. You get desensitized and then have to watch only crazy things you import from Germany if you want to feel excited.

And I will buy that for you. Yes. Because I love you. And I will buy that for you. Yes. Because I love you. And I hate stealing. You know, do you think that if, gosh, I mean, I guess I've worked at a few retail outlets. What's the protocol for when a kid comes in with a parent and says, I stole this. If it's like a playboy? Like a fairly common punishment.

Specifically if it's a playboy? No, just like any. Specifically if it's a playboy. I worked at a Borders. And specifically if it was a playboy? No, just like any... Specifically if it's a playboy. I worked at a Borders, and specifically if it was a playboy, we were supposed to take our dick out. Okay. How many times did that happen?

It didn't happen to me, but there was this one guy it kept happening to. I don't know what was... I mean, I just assume that's what was happening. Was that Michael Jackson? No, no, no, no. Thanks, folks. We'll talk to you next week.

It was Carol Channing. Yeah, taking her dick out and showing it to a kid. Okay, wait. There's one more tale of shame. This is sort of a retrospective tale of shame. This is a tale of shame where this is something that we've got this adolescent sexuality theme going on in this week's program. This is a situation where somebody did something that perhaps didn't shame them then, but now, looking back, was clearly just an example of adolescent wrongheadedness of the most extraordinary order.

So, here it is. Hey Jordan, Jesse, John here with No H in Springfield, Missouri, calling with my moment of shame. Let me preface this, guys, by saying that I was a bit of a late bloomer when I was younger and somehow managed to make it to my 15th birthday without ever having masturbated. I wasn't sure kind of what the whole big deal was about. But anyway, my girlfriend at the time and I decided that even though she had never done that and I had never done that, that the time had come for us to both have sex. So two virgins

roll into her house one afternoon, her mom upstairs taking a nap. We head down to the basement. She pulls up her skirt. She reveals that she's wearing a pair of Garfield panties that say, this area protected by attack cat. Kind of freaked me out a little bit, but no big deal. We get all the way undressed. We get to the act. Long story short, I get one thrust in and stop. I don't know what was going on. We just kind of laid there, connected but not moving.

It dawns on me now that as I look back, I think that all of my information about sex at the time came from looking at my dad's porno mags, where of course there's no movement, it's just static pictures. So anyway, about ten minutes later we decided that sex was pretty well overrated and everything, we disconnected, got dressed, headed back upstairs to watch Voltron cartoons. Looking back, I kind of hope that maybe someday she found some guy that could, you know, really please her the way that she deserved. But sadly enough, I was not that man.

See ya. Sadly enough, he has never since had intercourse. Real quick, though. Late bloomer? Having sex at 15? No, no, no. He's a late bloomer because he had not experienced orgasm At 15 There's no instinct that kicks in

Yeah Yeah, like how does an animal He just coupled And then just let it lie So to speak I wonder if they talked And what they talked about I wonder

That's amazing, right It's just like so amazing It's just amazing This has felt like a real Boys club today It's felt like a real masculine Male issue show Yeah

Like a moose lodge If there's any girls listening right now Get out You are not allowed in the treehouse. Yeah. I don't know. I feel masculine, but in a weird way. Not like a Butch Cassidy way.

Yeah. Like a stand-by-me kind of way. And a 13-year-old boy. Yes, sure. An awkward, unpleasant masculinity. Anyways. You guys want to check out my sticker book? Jesse, that's your dick.

With Lisa Frank stickers all over it. Carol Channing. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go Fogland. Let's do it now. Here we go. Shoo-ba-da-bop. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Jordan, Jesse, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chad, robot doctor. Good. He is back. Ladies and gentlemen, Chad is back. Let it be said. Just like REM came back this year with Around the Sun.

Well, during the break, I did shave my head. Just like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony came back with Most of the Bones. One of the Bones is crazy. I think it's Busy Bone. Just like every zombie movie has someone who dies then comes back to die again. Just like Bo Jackson, New Comebacks. Yeah. Thus does Fogland know comebacks.

Congratulations, man. Thank you. That was really powerful. Thank you. That was really beautiful. If you can do it, maybe Mike Myers can do it, you know? Yeah. Well, here's the thing, guys.

This whole podcast today was really a secret message to Mike Myers to let him know. What I've been doing with the intros was just demonstrating his career and how I predict he will be in the future in five years. You guys, would you stop running your traps so I can go do my calisthenics? Sure. Sorry. I've got a lot of calisthenics to do. Jordan, have you been doing your calisthenics? My Wii-based calisthenics?

Just calisthenics overall. Jump-ups, push-ups. I've been doing them on the Wii. Some jump-ups? Yeah, jump-ups. Absolutely. Calisthenics just calisthenics overalls jump ups push-ups some jump ups yeah absolutely calisthenics medicine balls i'm strictly yoga man have you got medicine balls no i don't i mean i have virtual medicine balls but you do put medicine on your ball we got to do calisthenics jordan we got the monsters of podcasting come up we don't we don't want to get embarrassed oh yeah you don't want to cramp up.

You don't want to cramp up when you're doing your live podcast. This is the first ever Monsters of Podcasting tour. It starts in San Francisco, Saturday night. That's this coming Saturday night, June 28th, depending on when you're listening to this program. 10 p.m. at the Darkroom Theater in San Francisco. It's us and our good friends from You Look Nice Today, Journal of Emotional Hygiene,

one of my favorite podcasts with our friends Hot Dogs Ladies, Scott Simpson, and Lonely Sandwich. That's them. Do you think they'll insist we call them that? Even though we knew them before they were podcasters? I bet they'll, yeah.

It's probably their thing. It's their thing? I insist that people call me Jordanorge so yeah so there you go uh anyway uh the advanced tickets are all sold out for the monsters of podcasting but if you live in the san francisco bay area uh they have told us that they will cram as many people into this little theater as they can and they have done in the past so hopefully we'll get as many people crammed in there as possible i'm also going to try and find out if they have an internet connection there, so maybe we could

stream it, do a stream video. Perhaps stream. Like a video stream there. So Saturday night, 10pm, keep your eyes on the blog, the Darkroom Theater. Action items for this week. I've got one to add. First is our crazy recipes that can be really simply expressed on the radio,

or can be posted on the Maximum Fun forums. Sure. The second is this. There is a playable alpha of the Jordan Jesse Go video game. It's a playable alpha. I don't know if you know about this kind of terminology, Chad. A playable alpha is something where it's sort of like a video game. It holds a long pole

okay okay no no no i think i think i'm following it okay i think i'm following and and the exceedingly gracious and talented designer of the game has requested that we put out a request for more villains. We already have Fat Dracula. We already have some other villains that I can't remember. Can I be a villain? No, because you're a good guy. Unless it's the shitty nickname, Chad

Fogelman. Can I be like Alter Ego? Sure, maybe he hurls bad nicknames. Yeah, and I just bore you to death. You grow older and older and older and then just dust. Yeah, it's a platformer, so we're looking for platformer characters.

This is an RPG. Yeah. You can have your own separate swath of magic points. No, but I have so many new rules. No, everyone will have a discreet swath. Everyone's swath will be discreet. Just so you know, Jordan. Yeah.

Anyway, so we're looking for ideas. Who are the villains, the great villains of Jordan, Jesse Go? And if you're a designer, an illustrator, or you know how to make the flash things, he suggested that maybe you could help design the villain that you suggest, if you'd like. But that's not required.

Sure. That's not a requirement. The main requirement is, who are the villains of Jordan, Jesse, Go? Every great agonist needs an ant-agonist. Who are our ant-agonists? Besides Ant the Comedian, he's a real agonist. Am I right? Hello!

Not good. Not funny. Your cousin wrote that. Fourth cousin? Yeah, fourth cousin, Andy Forsberg. Maybe he's the villain. Yeah. Andy Forsberg.

Just tells you bad jokes. He's a poor guy. He's a real sweetheart, and he'll never listen to this. No. Do they have internet where he lives? Yeah, he does, but i doubt he'll unless you put his name on the title and he googles his own name that's the only way you'll find it okay okay okay okay uh and of course you know the usual tales of shame blah blah blah you

know judge sean hodgman all that good stuff and we'll see you at the monsters of podcasting on saturday night and uh if you want to the Monsters of Podcasting on Saturday night. And if you want to bring the Monsters of Podcasting somewhere, you should tell us because I think we're looking for some opportunities for the Monsters of Podcasting. Taking it on the road. You know what I'm saying? We're hitting the road. It is a tour that right now only has one date.

Keep in mind we preemptively named it that. So, please. I'm spilling the beans. Can I plug myself? Yes. Oh, Chad, what do you want to plug? Fogland's a funny guy.

I have constant shows all over. I'll be in New York in August. But if you want to check out my schedule, check out myspace.com forward slash Fogland. F-O-G-L-A-N-D. Fogland. There it is. Myspace.com slash Fogland. There will be videos

And watch videos You can Add him as a friend That's right You can Google my name Just Chad Fogland And I'm the only one In the world

So It's true I'm the only one With any sort of Internet presence Well no There's the only other Real Fogland present

Out there Is like Is Charred Fogland Yeah Is Charred Fogland No there's like A band in Fucking Norwegian Or something It's like a heavy He's charred folklore. Yeah, he's charred folklore. No, there's like a band in fucking Norwegian

or something. It's like a heavy rock band called Fogland. Wait, are you telling me that this Norwegian band plays heavy rock? I know, it's hard to believe. Hard to believe.

Okay, we'll see you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.