Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 651: Hunk Factory with Dave Schilling

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

Dave Schilling (Full Court Chat podcast, The New Yorker) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Los Angeles's newest billboard lawyer Sweet James (and his sex dungeon), how the main job of a WWE writer is to get fired, and some groundbreaking ideas for filling the stands at crowdless sporting events. Plus, Jordan has a Hunk Update. Read Dave's article in The New Yorker!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, here with a hunk update. Thank goodness! I have been Jordan on Tenterhooks. Yeah, I know. I know you haven't heard from me, R.E. Hunks, in a while. Ah. So I just wanted to update you and, you know, everybody.

I mean, I'm really, like, you know, I just get really inspired by Gavin Newsom's kind of daily coronavirus updates. Right. Sure. coronavirus updates. Right. Sure. So I just wanted to do my duty in making people feel more secure, you know, just informed about what the various hunks in my neighborhood are doing. Sure. You got to get all those listeners out there, all those beefcake buddies. We're here for you with another one of our signature honk updates. That's right.

The recurring segment we've never done before. Brian, go ahead and write some theme music. We'll wait. Maybe something that kind of sounds like the Perfect Strangers theme song. That'd be great. Yeah. Use your music talent that you have, Brian. So a couple weeks ago, I talked about, you know know going on one of my dumb little bullshit walks you know the government mandated bullshit walks we all have to take

yeah if people are listening from uh outside the united states um right now every day the government says you got to take a little fucking walk i'll go for a little walk around the neighborhood it's just like real fun it's like you won't know the difference between your dumb walk and real fun you'll love it you love going for walks so i was on one of my dumb little bullshit walks and i saw a guy i had i have been calling juggle hunk uh-huh this was a man who was juggling in his yard who had like movie star good looks. Right. He looks like someone who would be on like Riverdale.

Sure. I was 100% confident you were going to say Riverdance, but I'll take either one. Hey, Michael Flatley is a classic hunk, but I think he's a zaddy at this point. Yeah, I think you're talking about the difference between an Irish hunk and I guess probably a Vancouver hunk for Riverdale. Oh, yeah, that sounds about right. Sure. Yeah. So, you know, and then again, like, obviously, like, you know, there are attractive people, you know, of all shapes and sizes.

people, you know, of all shapes and sizes, but, you know, you do not, you don't really associate a juggler with these kind of classic, symmetrical, tall, cut, jacked movie star good looks. No, that's more of a unicyclist thing. Right. So, so I'm like, oh, but I mean, maybe, maybe I'm, you know, this is some prejudice that I have. And, you know, I'm always looking to kind of unpack my knapsack. Sure. I mean, I've openly acknowledged my no circus skills privilege on this program. So obviously we have some baggage around the issue of circus skills. I use that time in my life, Jordan.

The time I would have been acquiring circus skills, I used it to further my career and family interests. Was it a good choice? Time will tell. Yeah, we'll see. Time will tell. So, already we have one unorthodox hunk in my life.

I was taking my dumb little bullshit walk by the beach the other day i saw a metal detector hunk wow a different vibe from this hunk it wasn't so much riverdale it was kind of like you know gosh how would i describe this guy like i mean he had an influencer vibe he looked like he would be a guy that you've never heard of, but all 19 year olds get their news from on TikTok. I assumed when you said it was a metal detecting hunk, I immediately pictured a guy who is second or third build on a show that stars Kevin Costner. Like on the History Channel, like a scripted fictional show on the History Channel that's

called like Monitor v. Mary Mac. Right. Yeah, exactly. And eight times more people have watched it than have watched The Handmaid's Tale. Would you say that Costner plays the Monitor or the Merrimack? Which of the ironclad ships would you say? Would you cast Kevin Costner as? Costner, actually, fun fact about that show, he plays the sea. Oh, wow. Upon which they sail. And William Hurt plays both ships. Oh, good. Will Peter Fonda appear in this? Why not? Almost certainly. I believe he's passed

on, but maybe William Hurt has too. Who knows? Yeah. All the people we've mentioned in this segment may be dead. Yeah. Sorry, Kevin Costner. We haven't been keeping close tabs. Yeah. So, okay. Metal detector hunk blows my mind. And then the other day, in a median, you know, the little area between, you know, like near a roundabout. Yeah. Just fucking wailing, wailing, going to town. There's a bagpipe, babe. There's a woman whose energy I would describe as laura dern from jurassic park wow uh similar you know maybe like a like you know at the time laura dern similar outfit similar energy and she is just fucking wailing on the bagpipe and not doesn't doesn't seem to be collecting any money um i mean obviously kind of unsafe to busk you know with everything that's going on yeah these are not busking times

these are times for for little little bullshit walks yeah and apparently just going fucking nuts on a bagpipe in public where people can't get to you. Would you say she was ripping a sweet solo? Yeah, I mean, obviously there's no other, she wasn't part of a band. Right. The rest of the real McKenzies weren't there. Yeah. A band that has a bagpipe.

Thanks, Jordan. No problem. Pogue's also acceptable, Dropkick Murphy's works there. Put in whatever you want i'm gonna think about which of my favorite bands has a bagpipe my first thought is mint condition but i don't think they have a bagpipe i don't think so i'm not certain but i don't think so they tour with one though you don't hear it on the records was there ever a bagpipe in mandrel i couldn't tell you not certain a lot of afro-cuban influence in that band but i don't know

whether there was any celtic influence so anyway i'm i'm the you know i've apparently have been all wrong about hunks and their activities hunks babes and the activities that they do it's a new world out there yeah i knew about hunky butchers sure well yeah i mean i think that i mean that kind of that's in there with like hunky celebrity chef the you know kind of portlandy tattoo guy who has like a a you know a custom knife block or something i'm that's you know i think that's that's been a a cultural force a while now. You know what I'd like to see? Yes. Hunky pit master. Like a grill man? Yeah, a barbecue hunk. I bet that exists, right? Low and slow, baby. There's gotta be. That's how I want it from a barbecue hunk. Guy with a bunch of navel tattoos. Yeah one maybe like a full back tattoo of all the

parts of a pig mmm bright yes from the root of to the tutor mm-hmm as they say I've heard that I've heard people say that now I dare you just got me daydreaming about hunks yeah yeah Brian would you just play some dreamy music and... We can all just... I'd like, hey, listeners, think about your favorite hunks. This is your time, listeners. This is your time. Beef and cheesecake served up fresh on Jordan Jesse Go.

And you know what? Hey, throw a zaddy in there while you're at it. Think about a zaddy And some zadderans Zaddy covered in zadderans Red beans and rice mix, perhaps? Great side, great side dish We've addressed that the grocery store by my house has an inexplicable Cajun section, right? We have, yes

Okay, thank God, because it's all I think about. There's like a Central American section. You're like, well, sure, of course there's that. And then there's like a Southeast Asian section. And you're like, well, you know, that's less common in this neighborhood, but I can see why they would have that. And then just as big, Cajun section. Full of Zatarans. Throw that on anything. Any kind of Cajun anything. Just all different prepared foods with pictures

of alligators on the box. A shrimp with sunglasses. Should we introduce our hunky guest, Jordan? Yes. Our hunky guest is a journalist and comedy writer. His credits include writing for the WWE and, of course, The New Yorker.

Just like Simon Rich. He was the Simon Rich of the WWE. He has a podcast called Full Court Chat. It's about sitting down with some of the biggest names in sports and culture for in-depth no holds barred conversation Dave you will have to come up with a more, a less generic podcast description than that Dave Schilling is our guest

welcome to the show Dave Hey guys, I gotta say I was so excited when you started talking about ironclads I almost jumped in like oh man we're talking about ironclads i almost jumped in like oh man we're talking about we can back up we can easily back up oh shit we're talking about ironclads damn what do you have a top three ironclads a monitor merry mag and then my ex-wife wow boom man you know what i think about you know what i think about when i think ironclads this is like a parallel this is a parallel uh nautical military history item but i think about how in the revolutionary war they had that kind of perfectly round submarine that was like just

bigger than one guy and made out of wood and And it would go underneath, and then it had a hand-cranked screw to try and put a hole in a boat that it found. Oh, yeah, you're talking about a tomb. Yeah. There you go. Thanks, Dave. It's called a tomb because that's how you die. I'm going to get into a big piece of wood

and somehow try to not suffocate. Yeah. All right. As the guy is getting in, he's like, is technology here yet? Have we talked about that? Are we overreaching? The industrial revolution is on the way.

He's like, I know we have blunderbuss. Yeah, it takes me 25 minutes to load my rifle dave do you have any favorite local hunks oh boy i mean besides myself taking myself right out of the equation that's the classy thing to do dave i think it's only fair. I got to go with Sweet James. Oh, sure. The billboard lawyer. Yeah. Sweet James is a really fun local billboard lawyer. Sweet James emerged from nowhere 15 months ago.

He was born fully formed as a billboard lawyer 15 months ago when he decided to buy all of Los Angeles's billboards. And his logo is that kind of flowing softball team jersey script. And it says Sweet James. And then it's got a picture of him. And that's it. That's all he has to say for himself there's no like he he took a look at uh there's a famous los angeles billboard lawyer uh who has billboards with a picture of him and it just says accidentes yep yep phone number is all sevens i believe too there you go he took a look

at that and he thought i like it but it's a bit wordy yeah i i think it's him uh you got accidente's guy and then you've got jacob called jacob and those three guys have basically carved out the city like mob bosses from gangs of new york yeah fun fact about jacob and ronnie um sweet james and accidentes they all share the same suit. They all share it at the same time. It's this one large suit. Yeah, they're a rat king of billboard lawyers. If you're wondering why you don't hear

from Jacoby and Myers much anymore, it's because Sweet James had them aced. Yeah, you don't fuck with Sweet James. That's why the Velvet Underground wrote that song about him. You got the guy who killed Osama bin Laden. He's like, do it to those two. Take those fuckers out. That guy was just on a speaking tour at a local rotary club and Sweet James approached him.

Seems like you got a lot of time on your hands. Have you considered killing some personal injury lawyers? You know I have. I've been thinking about it. Yeah, funny you mention that. Yeah, I formed a new organization, SEAL Team 7. It's only for killing personal injury lawyers.

Your next Salino and Barnes. Injury attorney. When my wife was in law school. That's a Seleno and Barnes song. I don't know if that's regional or not. Thank you. When my wife was in law school, a $125,000 boondoggle that I'll never forget. One of the most interesting things she learned is that there's all these rules about how you can and cannot advertise yourself when you're a lawyer. It's immoral to promote yourself if you're a member of the bar, like it's against bar rules. So you basically can't say that you're good at being a lawyer. You can only say that you are a lawyer huh i mean i

guess sweet james isn't saying that he'll do a good job that's what it is i mean it's like imagine if like roto rooters slogan was roto rooter a company that clears pipes we have the necessary equipment yeah i guess it's like Arby's slogan. We have the meats. I guarantee you that you're going to want to eat them, but we do have them. We have them. They are here.

Are they good? It would be immoral to say. We won't even say we have all the meats. We just have some of the meats. And by we, we mean Ving Rhames will say it. That's who does the voiceover for the Arby's commercials. Isn't that a fun fact? Well, it is fun.

It's very fun. Yeah. It's great in everything, Ving Rhames. Oh, yeah. I always love it when Ving Rhames pops up in something. I have a question. Yes. Do you think that somewhere in this great land, and this is one of those questions where you think like of all the stars and all the galaxies, you know what I mean?

Like our nation spreads out before us, seemingly almost infinite. You could ask the early explorers, how far does America go? They would say forever. Lewis and Clark would tell you, there's no knowing how far this great land stretches. It contains multitudes. Do you think there's such a thing as an Arby's hunk?

Oh. Hmm. And he's wearing just the hat? Yeah. Or maybe he's got Arby's undies. Oh, sure. Yeah. Or undies made of meat. Oh. That's what I call beefies. Oh, sure. Yeah, or undies made of meat. Oh. That's what I call beefcake. Yeah, sure.

Does he have horsey sauce or a horsey cock? That was a little grosser than we've been being in this. Yeah, that was a little more gross, but you know, I got worried as soon as you said horsey sauce, I got worried that it would burn my penis

well seems like you need to toughen up that penis ears he's got a he's got a weak penis weak penis your penis has has no no bravery or stamina within it at all just a real wussy penis. Dude, you got to start jamming that thing in some spicy dips, man. I don't know, guys. Maybe I'll start with my scrote. Work your way up? Work your way up.

Man, I'm already dunking my thang in Nashville hot. Oh, goodness gracious. Five alarm Boom I put mine in some Frank's Red Hot One time on a trip to Buffalo, New York Well that's fun That's a fun regional thing to stick your dick in

My penis just turned grey After a while Like a raw sausage Dave Speaking of hunks you have worked at what i call the hunk factory which is wwe wrestling it's where they make they make hunks the hunks that love to slam yeah yeah my job was just to turn the uh the gold grinder just so the hunks keep coming out you know yeah like locally like the organ grinder monkey i'm just to turn the old grinder just so the hunks keep coming out, you know? Yeah.

Like the organ grinder monkey. I'm just like turning the little, turning the wheels. Here comes another hunk. Boom. Here comes another hunk. Boom. Dun, dun, dun. Boom.

Exactly. The classic factory song plays. You just have a big, you know, big cone that's accepting raw materials, you know, and you just pour in meat and steroids and reps. It's like the I Love Lucy episode. I was stuffing hunks in my mouth. They kept speeding up the conveyor belt. Oh, there's too many hunks. I want to choke on these.

Oh, no, my penis is gray. From an unrelated mistake. Yeah. When one is writing for WWE, what does one write? So I write body slam, pile driver, clothesline. Hit with chair. Hit with chair. No, it's the promos, the driver, clothesline. Hit with chair. Hit with chair.

No, it's the promos, the interviews that they give. You know, all that dialogue is scripted. And then in the same way that a normal television writer's room written by adult males and females would be, you are breaking the story of every episode. you are breaking the story of every episode. But instead of a three-act structure and fun conversations and whatnot, it's matches. So there's, like any television show, live television show, there's segments broken up by commercial breaks. And so I worked on SmackDown, and that's two hours long. It was on USA Network, now it's on Fox. And it had 11 segments separated by commercial breaks.

And then you have the hour crossover. And you want to have something important happening there. And you want to have something important happening to open the show. And you want to have something important happening at the end of the show. That's it. And most of the decision making happens because of what Vince McMahon wants versus what maybe I want or somebody else wants. It's a bizarre job. It seems like they don't need us.

We're kind of there just to be fired in the sense that like... I gotta fire somebody. Yeah, it's a buffer zone between the professional wrestler who is very sensitive, very self-conscious, and very large, and the actual people who make the decisions so the wrestlers get mad at us and then the real writers vince mcmahon and various other people get mad at us too and so eventually when something bad happens the ratings go down someone gets injured someone looks at you funny you know somebody puts poop in somebody's gym bag. The writer is the one who gets fired.

Vince McMahon's not going to get fired. The wrestler's not going to get fired. It's the writer because they don't need us to make this show. So that was it. Did you get FaceTime with them? Do you like sit down with, I don't know, just for example, Jake the Snake Roberts? I did not meet him, but thank you for

a very contemporary reference. That's where my wrestling knowledge stops. Not even at one of the Iron Cheeks famous Algonquin roundtables? Do you sit down with them and talk about character development and stuff like that yes yes absolutely if you are on the road there are two teams there's a home team and

a road team that's what they're called the home team is in stanford connecticut and i was on the home team for most of my time at wwe and you know breaking episodes and pitching segments and writing dialogue and stuff. Then the other writers are on the road at the shows, and they're the ones who are communicating to the wrestlers what I've written or someone else has written, explaining to them what they need to do, which makes no sense. It's completely illogical. I should be telling them, but there's got to be more layers of bureaucracy, otherwise the show will run too smoothly

so they have to keep throwing monkey wrenches into things so you sit down you tell the wrestler this is what I want you to do you need to do this we're going to shoot this now we're going to shoot this later here's how we're going to shoot it and then you shoot it and then inevitably it goes wrong and Vince yells at the writer and then fires them that's the show

wow sounds like a real dream yeah it's like Saturday Night Live if it sucked all the time. How old is Vince McMahon? I think he's probably slightly less old than the Merrimack. He's in his 70s or something. Is he still yoked? There was a period where he was yoked and he was on the show a lot. He's significantly less yoked. Yeah, I mean, he's an exceptional geriatric septuagenarian or whatever that word would be for someone in his 70s. But he's still an old man. So he's in better shape than 90% of old men in the world.

But he's still an old man. So he's in better shape than 90 of old men in the in the world but he's still an old man so he's not huge but he is in good shape and he's still able to get around and isn't doddering or anything was there anything you wanted to do while you were there that like you couldn't just because of bureaucracy and red tape and you know kind of all that gunk because the thing's been going around going on for you know 50 years i would say that gunk because the thing's been going on for, you know, 50 years. I would say that... Kiss Jake the Snake Robert. Yeah.

Yeah, unfortunately, I didn't get to make out with the snake. Yeah, that's the dream. The number one thing I didn't get to do is not get fired. Other than that, I accomplished all my goals. Did you just, when you eventually got fired, did you just take one of the many other entertainment jobs in connecticut yes yes i stuck around and decided to just work at jerry springer is jerry springer in connecticut yes wow so you were the one who broke up the

stripper fights exactly yeah yeah you did a great job. Oh, yeah. Can I tell you guys a Jerry Springer fact that I learned? Please. So I did a couple years ago, I did a podcast called The Turnaround, where I interviewed interviewers. And one of the people I interviewed was Jerry Springer. And Jerry Springer is like, you know, he's famously, you know, he was a local Democratic politician in Cincinnati, a pretty successful one, until he was disgraced and then went on to a long career in local television, out of which the Jerry Springer show came. He's already like, you know, people will tell you, did you know that he used to be mayor of Cincinnati? People will tell you, did you know that he used to be mayor of Cincinnati? The real fact that I learned about him that blew my mind was, he does not know the topic of the show until he goes on stage and reads it from the prompter.

Wow. The topic of the episode is news to him when he reads it from the prompter because he likes it to be a surprise. I mean, I think that surprise is a, you know, key part of that show. I mean, I haven't watched a ton of Jerry Springer in my life,

but, um, yeah, I mean, I think you want to be surprised when the strippers start fighting. Anybody thought though they could be a friendly. Yeah. At what point after, I guess, 700 stripper fights are you like well

there's probably gonna be a fight here so i should probably get out of the way there's no way you're surprised anymore yeah you're the host of the jerry springer show your name is jerry springer and guess what we're watching to see those strippers fight or to see you know some klansmen wrestling with some punk kids or you know whatever a paternity test or something that's what we're there to see so it's not a surprise that i think is a jerry springer genre that um that i think was probably in its heyday um when we were kids is giving giving punks uh a venue to yell at clansmen that's what we're missing today in this course it's just a safe place it's not the internet right where punks and clansmen can have conversations that usually end in fisticuffs yeah now it has to happen on

the street all the time it's horrible thank you thank you um day would you say do you know all the people you worked with at wwe did they automatically get new yorker articles yes as every every single one of them all of them uh they're all very successful i think i don't know actually i don't know what any of them are doing there's probably none of them left that were there when i was there they They probably have all been fired. But yes, I did because of my hard work and my talent. Do you, Dave, I have an important question for you. Sure.

When you're a writer for the WWE and you inevitably get fired, do you then get other jobs writing wrestling matches? There's really only one other company that does it. And they don't hire people who are writers. They hire wrestlers to do the writing, which is traditionally how it's done, is that wrestlers, ex-wrestlers or wrestlers that are in semi-retirement will be what's called a booker and the booker is the person who picks the matches who decides what the storylines are going to be

and executes the show from a production standpoint the wrestlers are the ones that come up with what they're they're going to say that has been the case from the beginning of wrestling basically till the late 90s early 2000s vince big man's brilliant idea was let's hire a bunch of soap opera writers let's hire a bunch of tv writers of other other uh ilks and whatnot and let's give them the chance to script these shows and you can see the quality of the show going down every year that that has been in in practice uh, I mean, I would imagine you got this job because you were a wrestling fan. You know, you grew up with it or, you know, after having kind of what sounds like a bad experience with it, can you still watch it?

Do you still watch wrestling? No, I do not. No, it gives me a visceral, violent reaction where I want to hit myself in the face with a brick. Wow. Okay. Holy mackerel. Yeah, sure. I haven't done it yet, but I've thought about it.

Do you have the brick on hand? But what do you really think about wrestling, Dave? Wrestling is wonderful. It's fine. It's just not, once you've seen it be made it's kind of less appealing um to to witness uh from a fan standpoint once you've hit that pinnacle wwe is the biggest wrestling company in the world the biggest wrestling company in history i just there's nothing else for you to do in wrestling and it just doesn't have the same kind of transportative appeal that it did when you were

someone who didn't know what it was like, what is really going on, why decisions are made, why certain things happen or don't happen on the show. I'm just overanalyzing it and picking it apart and looking at my phone the whole time and thinking about other stuff that I could be doing besides watching wrestling. I feel like there's a lot more room than one would expect in the world of professional wrestling for a 64 year old man like i feel like i feel like for a thing that is based on extraordinary feats of athleticism there is a lot of just doddering men in singlets wandering through. You know what I mean?

Like, this is a world where Hulk Hogan is 7,000 years old, has been taped having elderly sex and... Shouting racial slurs.

Yeah. Like, and he still it's like if hulk hogan was a basketball player they wouldn't have him come back and do a little more basketball yeah yeah he was the oldest old guy when you were there that is i think that is think that is a good point. Kurt Angle. If you remember Kurt Angle, he was probably in his early 50s, I think. Maybe late 40s, early 50s. Now, was he the guy always carrying around the snake? No, that's the Iron Sheep.

Oh, the Iron Sheep. Kurt the Snake Angle. Mm-hmm. Now, he was an Olympic gold medalist in amateur wrestling. Okay. He was an Olympic gold medalist in amateur wrestling, Greco-Roman or whatever it's called, wrestling, and then transitioned to WWF in the late 90s. Jesse and Dave, I was wondering, as sports fans, are you guys watching these kind of weird fanless sporting events? It's all I do, Jordan. Watch weird fanless sporting events? It's all I do, Jordan. Watch weird fanless sporting events?

You know, our friend Ali Wong, past Jordan Jesse Go guest Ali Wong, has a cardboard celebrity cutout of herself at AT&T Park in San Francisco. Wow. In the stands, they have cardboard cutouts of fans. And then some of them are of legendary Giants players. Some of them are legendary local celebrities like E-40. Ali Wong made the cut.

Hey, that's great. I have a cardboard cutout at Dodger Stadium. I paid for it like a good American. Okay, sure. I didn't get it for free like celebrity Ali Wong. I'm not a celebrity. But I do have a cardboard cutout at Dodger Stadium. So I think Allie and I are closer than you think in terms of esteem. Dave, this is my feeling about it.

Your mistake was rooting for a team in Los Angeles. Oh, boy. Allie's star shines bright enough to get a cutout in San Francisco. She probably couldn't quite cut it in Los Angeles. No offense to Allie, who's a big star and a big talent. Amazing human being. But I think you and me, Dave, like, if we were Reds fans. Oh, my God.

Can you imagine? I mean, they probably have a Bootsy Collins cutout, but like we're probably, we would be second and third on the list. I think if I was a Cincinnati Reds fan, they'd let me pitch the seventh inning. Travis McElroy's probably got a cutout in Cincinnati right now.

Come on in Travis. Here's the ball. Good luck. Do you think I could get a Padres cutout? Because when I was a kid, we went to the San Diego Wild Animal Park. Yeah, that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. I've been on the submarine in San Diego. Give me a fucking cutout. Petco Park. I think most of the cutouts are dogs. I think it's like exclusively dogs at the San Diego Padres games. Dogs is dog cutouts is a big new phenomenon, Jordan. There are some teams that are putting out cutouts of adoptable dogs.

That's fun. Which I love. That's fun. I mean, I've been on this show. I want to make it clear. Dave, you weren't here a couple of weeks ago, but I have openly advocated for letting live unleashed dogs into the ballpark during the game. That's a fantastic idea. However, part of the premise of this was my, it turns out, erroneous belief that dogs can't get coronavirus. It turns out

a dog did get coronavirus, tragically. So I'm out on that. But my new thing is what about those Sony A-Bos? You know what I'm talking about? Those little robot dogs. I don't know the Sony A-Bo. Yeah, I think it's called an A-Bo. It might be called something else, frankly, but it's a little robot dog. Those little yellow things? They're like a yellow, like long legs, and they kind of, yeah, I've seen those guys.

Wait, yellow? You're thinking of a sports walkman. Oh you're right the one the the waterproof one you're thinking of a dive watch oh okay so i can't play uh my my ellen degeneres comedy album cd on one of these dogs no unfortunately not all right but i would like to, you wouldn't need to fill the whole stadium with Sony A-bows, and they're pretty expensive, I bet, you know. But I think if you got 35,000, 40,000 seat stadium, if you got 6,000 A-bows and just let them go wild in the lower bowl, I think that would be a great time for everybody, including the ballplayers.

Sure. That's nice, but I have a better idea. Listen to this. What's that, Dave? Listen to this, okay? Listen to this. Instead of people that are paying or celebrities or dogs or anything like that, you get cardboard cutouts of the FBI's 100 most wanted criminals

and spread them across the stadium. So every game, you get a glimpse of the most heinous criminals in the country. And so if you see them walking around, driving their car, eating at a restaurant,

you're like, I saw you at the dodger game you son of a bitch you're a terrorist and he's like you got me and then you take him in man i love this public service public service every every strikeout every home run witnessed by 200 cold dead eyes that's right vacant souls some of the most sociopathic, cruel, evil men and women in this nation. And then everybody could cheer if one of them gets knocked over with a foul ball. Bingo. It's like fun.

That's right. You're aiming for it at that point. And then everybody gets a free Jack in the Box breakfast sandwich. I read something that the the crowd noise that they're using they're like pumping in artificial crowd noise it is from an mlb video game is that true that is correct it is true in baseball yeah they i i listened to uh i listened to a baseball nerd podcast called effectively wild and they interviewed one of the ballpark sound guys major league baseball sent out like you know those you know those uh like sound trigger pads that morning radio djs

use that look like that look like mpc drum machines or something like that this the sound trigger they they made sound trigger pads loaded with sounds from MLB The Show for the Sony PlayStation. And then they have those just plugged into the PA system and they play them by tapping on pads and turning knobs. Now, Dave, you had a good idea with the putting wanted criminals in the stands. Yeah. I got myself an idea. You're not the only one who can have ideas, Dave. I can have ideas too.

Jordan's kind of our idea, man. I throw it to the wall, I see what sticks. No bad ideas in brainstorming. But I think this one's good. So you're already throwing just fucking video game noises in there. Why not just randomly throw in a Hadouken? So the crowd's going wild for, you know,

for a Grand Slam or a Ground Rule Double. Just throw in a Hadouken. People would love that. Hadouken! Yeah. I like it. I'd like to hear maybe a power-up sound. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's really good.

I'd like to get Michael Winslow from Police Academy to just do them live for three hours. That's the play right there. It's a home run for a helicopter? Everybody duck. It sounds like someone is opening fire with a machine gun. Oh, wait. It's just Michael W winslow that that crafty little man what a fun what a fun ruse and then if someone gets hit by a pitch you play the sound of pac-man dying um let's let's take a quick break uh it'll give michael winslow a chance to call in for that interview that he scheduled on our college radio show 15 years ago.

And we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, dot org slash join and signed up to kick us a few bucks. There are thousands of those folks and they keep our lights on our thanks to them. And this week, our show is also supported by our friends at Sun Basket. You know, if you're tired of going out to the grocery store and, you know, putting on the full hazmat suit and you wish that meals would just arrive at your door ready to be cooked. suit and you wish that meals would just arrive at your door ready to be cooked, well, good news. Sun Basket is in your corner. They deliver fresh, healthy, delicious recipes for all kinds of dietary preferences, including

paleo, gluten-free, Mediterranean, vegetarian, and more. Yeah. More. And it's all co-founded by our friend Tyler from college. And it's all co-founded by our friend Tyler from college. That's right. Tyler, who loved to get Dippin' Dots from the Santa Cruz boardwalk. Oh, yeah, he did.

Remember when Tyler was driving a Lincoln town car that he had inherited from his dad, but when his dad had bought it, he had decided to Southwestern drip paint it i don't remember that it's cool though sandy colored with like with like drip paint like jackson pollock but in southwestern colors and then when tyler would drive it he would wear a little chauffeur hat that his dad gave him to drive around in it this is all true i'm not making any of this up about our friend Tyler from college. I believe you. I believe you 100%. Who went on to co-found Sun Basket. By the way, I wrote a Sun Basket song. Do you want to hear it? Oh, I would love to. Because I think if there's one thing sponsors respond to, it's us writing songs that they did not ask for to the tunes of

songs that maybe we could be sued for. It goes, I'm a being feeded by a sun basket, sun basket, sun basket. It's a Cat Stevens song originally. I feel like I was around the campfire. But his second draft eliminated the references to sun basket. Right. Now known as Yusef islam uh hey each week sun basket offers a wide range of meals to choose from so you can try mouth-watering dishes such as uh hoisin steak strip lettuce cups with pickled daikon and carrots i hate that those are quick pickles jordan

they're not you don't have to wait six months for these fucking things to set up. Oh, thank goodness. You put them in the pickle juice right first, and then you cook your steak and your cups, and then you go back, and you got quick pickles waiting for you. They're tasty as heck. Sounds fun. You can also get roasted salmon with miso-glazed eggplant, black bean tostadas, Diablo with cabbage slaw slaw and guacamole no i'm opposed to that one how come i prefer tostadas cristo right the tostadas of

christ right i'm being feeded by a sun basket sun basket sun basket uh if you want to try Sun Basket, Sun Basket, Sun Basket. If you want to try this delightful service, they are offering you $35 off when you go to sunbasket.com slash JJGO and enter promo code JJGO, sunbasket.com slash JJGO and enter promo code JJGO at checkout for $35 off your order wow that's sun basket dot com slash jj go and enter promo code jj go and remember the song that everyone loves

to hear that's right i'm a being feeded by a sun basket sun, sun basket. Feeded is the verb there. Because it needs to be two syllables, Jordan. Yeah, but I mean, Cat Stevens knows that. Yeah, Cat Stevens is a master of syllabary. Mm-hmm. Syllabary. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio, sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy,

detective, Dave Schilling, fired WWE writer. That's how he defines himself, folks. By his failures. You have to be defined by your failure because then it will never happen again. Oh, yeah. That's what I learned from the show Forged in Fire, where I get all of my aphorisms. What's Forged in Fire?

It's about making swords. Like, it's a reality show about making swords? About making swords, yes. It's sort of like, what was that show? West Coast Choppers or whatever. Yeah. Do you remember that one? It's from the meme with the mustache guy.

They made motorcycles. This show, they make swords. Huh. So just a new sword every week. No, it's the same sword. It's weird. It's a season-long art. It's an art, yes. It's like you see one, and then you cut it.

And then at the season finale, they tease nunchucks. People are like, oh, shit, I hope they get picked up. Up in the ante with nunchucks people like oh shit i hope they get picked up up in the ante with nunchucks yeah um so uh uh brian our producer who's doing a doing a fucking bang up job with this show by the way uh brian uh told us during the break that he has a sweet james. Sweet James, the beloved LA billboard lawyer. Brian, what Sweet James facts did you find while we were on break? Yeah, so... Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Sweet James update. I didn't know much about Sweet James, so I was doing a quick little Google of him, and I found an interview with his wife. In Wife magazine? Yeah, exactly. This quote stuck out to me she says my husband and i get asked all the time about our fitness routines but we aren't major gym rats we love eating rich foods and drinking fine wines she reveals besides good genetics we honestly attribute our lean physiques to a healthy and active sex life we

have a dungeon with a swing that gets more use than our home gym. Wow. Do they have like, you know how at a gym they've got all those monitors with like Fox News and CNN on? Do they have that for the sex dungeon? Oh, the fucking remote's broken. I can't change

it from CNN. Say yes to the dress, huh? Again? Oh, Jerry Springer. Well, good to know. And next time I drive by the Sweet James billboard, I can imagine him getting some cock and ball torture. Have you ever seen those videos where they, like,

hang a big weight from your penis? Those videos. Sorry, those videos. You know those ones you know those ones i haven't seen those the penis weight videos yeah it's like it's supposed to be the ones you're referring to it's like a kink it's like oh i really want this anvil hanging from my schlong huh um because it makes me feel good wow that's what i'm thinking that sweet james does that he's just like stretching out his ding-a-ling. Yeah, I guess we don't see Sweet James, all the billboards I've seen at least, are kind of like waist up or, you know, kind of shoulders up.

So, yeah, I mean, he could have an anvil on the dingus, and we wouldn't know. Why do you think he's smiling so much in those billboard photos? Yeah, because an anvil. He wants to stretch that dong. He wants to stretch that dong to stretch that dong yeah sweet james he's got a swing in there swing is not even i she may be overstating the dungeon part right i don't know swing is much friendly that's not the kind of thing you find in a dungeon. Yeah. Yeah, man, I think that the presence of a swing implies that you're committed to this, you know?

Because, like, think about, you know, the sex aids one could purchase. With the swing, you know, you have to affix it to something, you know, you have to... You gotta find a stud. You gotta find a stud. So I guess if you have the swing, it implies to me that you have a bunch of other shit too. Yeah, you don't just get the swing, right? The swing is like the last purchase. You've built yourself up to the swing it's sort of like you know when you get a home theater system you get the subwoofer last

right yeah the swing is the subwoofer of the sex dungeon i think yes exactly i google image searched sweet james and there's a lot of pictures of his billboards, as you would expect. There's one Pimp C album, and then there's just a picture of a dude whose name is James Sweet. He's a sociology professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Shout out to my man James Sweet. I hope you're listening. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. James Sweet, I bet. Didn't expect to hear your name, did you? Lucky guy. Holy Sweet, I bet. Didn't expect to hear your name, did you? Lucky guy. Holy, wait a minute. James Sweet is the James Sweet Professor of Sociology. What are you? Yes. Uh-huh. No, I mean, he appears, based on this website, for the University of Wisconsin-Madison. We'll have to ask Linda Barry. That's where she teaches. Madison. We'll have to ask Linda Barry. That's where she teaches. But this website for the University of Wisconsin-Madison seems to suggest that James Sweet holds a professorship that's

named after him. Wow. Who better? This guy's probably great. I wanted to give that thing up, man. It's very immodest. Yeah. It's like, oh, I'm going to keep... It's sort of like George Washington being like, you know what? I'm going to keep that monument and I'm going to live there. Thank you. That's my monument. It's like George Washington declaring himself the George Washington president of the United States. That's how I imagine it. Anyway.

Well, when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Hey, guess what? Something momentous happened this week. We, in the mail today, got my daughter's new birth certificate. Hey, that's cool. Thanks to our friends at the state of California. Very excited.

My wife put in a lot of work over a long period of time to make that happen. It's a really annoying hassle, more than you would like it to be, but here we are. We've got a piece of paper to prove that she's real. Jesse, is this an ad read for the state of California? Yeah, it is.

California, only somewhat on is. California. Only somewhat on fire. It just felt very... It was so sincerely gracious that I was like, this has got to be an ad read for the state. State? State of California.

If this state's a-rockin'. Don't come a-knockin'. If the state's a-rockin', that means it's a 7.8 earthquake and we're all dead. Great. We know it works. Why don't we listen to a momentous occasion? Hey, Brian. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. You were talking about Captain EO, and i had the hooter stuffed animal you could get at epcot center and when i was young i was swinging it around like a morning star and i hit my little sister in the head with it and knocked her over she got up she ran toward me and she kicked me in the balls and i fell over and then i got up and i went to pull her out of a recliner like chair and I accidentally broke her arm and Child and Protective

Services thought that my parents had done it it was a whole thing anyway have a great one holy cow so this happened recently I didn't know there were hooter toys

gotta get on ebay was captain eo was he a military figure he was a captain but like i mean i i mean he could have been a fireman right i guess that's my that's my question or just like a like a you know you know i can't how in sci-fi stuff sometimes they'll call a spaceship a boat or like, got to get on the ship. Is he a captain of that or is he a military? I don't remember the backstory of Captain Neo. My memory of it is pretty hazy. But he was captain of a ship before the story took place. It was in the backstory.

It was either the Monitor or the Merrimack. I cannot remember which one. I truly cannot remember whether he was on the side of good or bad in the Civil War. It was the Monitor or the Merrimack or my ex-wife. Right. Remember that one? Remember that one? Yeah.

Also named Hooter. Ex-wives. Mother-in-law, huh? Hooter. Hooter. My mother-in-law, huh? Hooter. Hooter. My mother-in-law is so great. She's been helping us a lot. That's nice that you're working to reform the image of mother-in-laws,

the bad image that they've gotten over 100 years of jokes about them. Jordan, my mother-in-law is the one putting in the work. Shout out to Beth Hossfeld. Yeah. That lady's doing it. Congrats. World-class mother-in-law is the one putting in the work. Shout out to Beth Hossfeld. Yeah. That lady's doing it. Congrats. World-class mother-in-law. Well done. A+. 10 out of 10. Would recommend. And hey, I just want to

work to reform the image of Polish people. Polish people, you've had a lot of jokes made about you, but I don't believe you tried to build that screen door on that submarine. Nope. We're not buying it. Didn't happen. But I don't believe you tried to build that screen door on that submarine. Nope. We're not buying it. Didn't happen.

It just didn't happen. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, judge Hodgman. This is Phil from Memphis. I'm calling with a momentous occasion.

During COVID. Can you pause this for a second? Brian, pause this. Is this like one of those interviews on 2020 or Nightline where they're in front of a scrim so you can only see their silhouette and there's a robot changing their voice? It's like this guy's a mob informant.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what kind of information he's about to disclose. Maybe it's something sensitive. It's been a long time since somebody's broken open an NDA on our show. Well, maybe. Let's hear what this mob informant has to say for himself.

I'm calling with a momentous occasion. During COVID, I think we all have perhaps perused a little more porn than normal and indulged ourselves. And I found myself doing this a little too much lately. So three weeks ago, my wife got me a chastity cage and I have been in it for three weeks

and it has been great. I mean, you know, waking up in the middle of the night hard on the kink at heart isn't great, but the whole experience has actually been very good. That's it. Just wanted you guys to know. Love you guys and stay safe. Thanks for calling, sweet James. Love you guys.

Yeah, we love you too this aching ball and cock torture is just the worst and yet i just want to say i love you guys yeah what i like about this call i mean obviously i love his positive attitude you gotta have a positive attitude now more than ever i love his hushed mannered speech that led me to believe that his voice was being altered by computer but what i love most about this is that he gives this review of the chastity cage that his wife got him but he does not give any specifics as to what's good about it he just says it's great. Like, so one wonders, what are the criteria to him for a great thing?

Like, turns boners into chafing is one thing that he might, like, what would, you know, if he's like reviewing an inflatable pool on Amazon or whatever, does he write, yeah, this was great. I couldn't get a hard one. He's got more free time for hobbies, fewer blisters. Yeah. Less on your monthly cell phone bill.

Yeah. These are all good things. I loved this belt sander. My wife swallowed the key. I don't know. You know, you just don't get your, listen, just don't get your chastity belts on Wish. The picture looks like one thing, and then you get it, and it's totally different. I mean, it costs two bucks, so you're not that mad

at it, but you know. I ordered one from AliExpress and it turned out to be made of styrofoam. And you know, hey, listen, maybe this will come off as jingoistic, but when it comes to ball cages, buy American. USA number

one. There's a lot of hardworking men and women in our nation's rust belt assembling stainless steel belts essential workers listening to the song that goes dun dun dun dun dun over and over again while assembling ball cages and trying to stuff them into their mouth right i love lucy's belt goes faster and faster the belt belt sorry to get up on my high horse i'll i'll i'll let it slide for now but uh i don't know sorry it's just how i feel if something momentous happens to you 206-984-4fun or jjgoe at maximumfun.org we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Schmanners. Noun. Definition. Rules of etiquette designed not to judge others, but rather to guide ourselves through everyday social situations.

Hello, Internet. I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy. Every week on Schmanners, we take a look at a topic that has to do with society or manners. We talk about the history of it. We take a look at how it applies to everyday life. And we take some of your questions. And sometimes we do a biography about a really cool person that had an impact on how we view etiquette. So join us every Friday and listen to Schmanners on MaximumFun.org

or wherever podcasts are found. Manners Schmanners. Get it? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan

Rhodes. Go ahead, caller. Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful but also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of. Yeah, man. Sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks every week. Myself and I'm Morgan Rhodes and my co-host here, Oliver Wong

talk to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives guests like moby open mic eagle talk about albums by prince joni mitchell and so much more yo what's that show called again he rocks deep dives into hot records every thursday on maximum fun Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Dave Schilling. I have no nickname. I forgot we were doing the nickname thing. I'm sorry. You can just be fired. You can be fired WWE writer again. I don't want to do that again. No, we don't do new nicknames.

Oh, okay. We've had these same dumb nicknames for 13 years. As soon as you did the nickname, I was like, panics. Oh, God, I don't have anything. Nah, man, you're good. You're doing great. I'm going to scribble this onto my hand or something so I don't forget. If there's another one.

Jordan, I feel like we need to be clear that we've had these nicknames for 20 years. I just would rather someone think that a 19 year old me thought of this stupid nickname than a 26 year old me I was supposed to be cool when I was 26 I mean not that I was being cool I'm just saying I want to preserve what little implied potential mystique I might be able to defend. Yeah. Okay. Let's just say we were given them at birth. It was against our will. And

yeah, and the fact that we're still using them isn't embarrassing. Are we just trying to gaslight our listeners now? We're not embarrassing ourselves. Ooh. This is a good podcast. We are not embarrassing ourselves. This is a good podcast.

And we died 10 years ago tonight. My Venmo name is Dave Schilling. Venmo! I need to pay my internet bill. I like this new signature character we've just developed. Venmo ghost. The grifting ghost who always needs money. Get me back for half of Brun.

Hey, man, I know that was two months ago and I said you were good for it, but I could really use that 20 bucks. Thanks for buying that handmade cutting board from me at the craft fair. The weird

public feed that goes along with this makes it easy to tell who i'm fucking why are we splitting everything am i some kind of deadbeat i mean literally yes yes deadbeat okay i get it i get it okay cool was this the first joke you've gotten on the show, Dave? So far, they've just been like... Because you haven't said... Right over my head.

You haven't said, I get it yet, so... Yeah, that's the tell when you know that I thought something was funny. I get it. That's what Lorne Michaels does on SNL. Dave, don't try and out fancy us now that you're published in the New Yorker. Okay, fine. I've been published in the New Yorker. Okay, fine. I've been published in a little outlet called the Metro Santa Cruz.

So I'm pretty fucking fancy, too. Alright. Publish or perish, that's what they say. Well, ask Dr. James Sweet. Alright. Dave, I,

you're a hilarious guy I like following you on Twitter I clicked on your New Yorker link that you sent out over Twitter I am I have not read it I am above my article limit so whenever that resets I'll remind myself to go back and read your article as long as I get the click I just want to get those clicks man I don't care

they're paying me per click is this a shout or a murmur? Yes, it is. It's a shout and a murmur. It is about a hypothetical scenario. A funny scenario, if you will. A satirical little bit.

I like it. I like it so far. Go on. Where the director of The Last Picture Show and What's Up Doc, Peter Bogdanovich, writes an essay for Criterion about the movie Austin Powers in Goldmember. Wow. And as you, I don't want to spoil the joke too much for those who haven't read it yet. But if you know Peter Bogdanovich, he is very fond of digressing from the topic at hand to tell a long-winded anecdote about someone from classic Hollywood, be it John Ford or Orson Welles or John Wayne, any number of people. We'll go ahead and link to your New Yorker piece on the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook page, which people should be following.

I'll read the whole thing. I have a subscription. Thank you for doing that. That's how they're able to afford to commission me to write things is because people subscribe. I don't actually pay for it. I get it because I'm an influencer

because I've been published in the Metro Santa Cruz. Is that a newspaper or like one of those magazines that has like the coolest hot spots to go to in Santa Cruz? It's an alt weekly. What do you think I am? A mainstream sellout like you? That's true. Good point. You're like the Bukowski of Santa Cruz.

Like you and Roger Angel? Susan Orlean? Tad friend? Various and sundry other people. Guys, I haven't published yet. How long before I perish? It's already started. No, Venmo goes here to take you to hell.

What's awful about publish or perish is that they don't tell you that if you publish, you still perish. Oh, my gosh. Like, if you don't publish, you perish. But if you do publish, you still perish. Death is inevitable. It's true. That's the thing they don't tell you in journalism school. Should I still go through the trouble to publish then? It's a 50-50 whether or not you're gonna be dead soon so i don't know

yeah yeah i'd say spend the money on billboards and get yourself a sex dungeon maybe the maybe the jameses will just invite me over to use their sex dungeon my question is what came first the sex dungeon or the local celebrity oh yeah wait there jordan can i ask you a question yes in this formulation that you've laid out here where sweet james and his wife are known as the jameses yeah his first name is sweet right yes of course why wouldn't it be mm-hmm Why wouldn't it be? Well, Dave Schilling, it's been a joy to have you on Jordan, Jesse.

Thank you for coming on the program. I will say folks should check out your podcast as well, featuring on the most recent episode, our Max Fund colleague, Ify Nwadwe. What's important about pronouncing Ify's surname, I found, is if I just mumble enough, I may get some parts right and miss the other parts. So apologies to our friend Ify. And let me say, you did

mention that I had the most generic podcast description of all time. There's a reason. It's because this is a parody of sports talk podcasts. So I try to preserve the fantasy of this sort of the satire of it all. So I don't say, hey, this is a comedy podcast where we have improv comedians playing various characters in sports and pop culture. I want people to really immerse themselves in the fantasy like like you're at Disneyland or a dinner theater

or UCB or something. Right, every time I go to see improv, I just lose myself. Yeah, I can't stop just immersing myself in the improv. Dave, when you got the acceptance letter from the New Yorker, was it signed by Borowitz himself? No, no.

He does vet everyone, though. He does a background check on you and just makes sure that you're not funnier than him. And so far, everyone has been. That's why The New Yorker hasn't published in 15 years. Yeah, I'm still waiting for this thing to come out. I don't know how you guys read it. Al Gore just got rejected for being too funny by Borowitz. Man, you're not doing mother-in-law stuff, but you're doing Al Gore's boring stuff, huh?

Well, I don't know. I sort of thought of that as get out of my Facebook feed Borowitz stuff. Because the thing is, is you can't block Borowitz without losing the other New Yorker stuff. That's the Borowitz trick that he does on you. He's a snake, that Borowitz. You know, if his website was Borowitz.com, you could just block Borowitz.com, and you'd never have to hear from Borowitz again. But if you block Borowitz.com, you won't get to hear from susan orlean or tad friend or dave schilling oh or the great dave schilling i will say let me take it let me take all that stuff back about borowitz because i do

want to continue writing shouts and murmurs so i don't want to offend mr borowitz if he does listen to this show sir you're a national treasure and and Donald Trump reads you every week, and he is very concerned that you are going to ruin his re-election campaign. So continue your work. Yeah, keep steaming the press. Yeah, stick it to the man, dude. Yeah, old Commander-in-Chief's going to blow his top over here. blow his top over here.

Pretty soon we're going to have a new guy in the George Washington presidency of the United States. No matter who it is over at 1600, Penn is going to have steam coming out their ears. I don't know who this character is. I don't know what the perspective we're doing here is. I think it's just a celebration of the Borowitz Report. Right. Oh, getting steam coming out of their ears would be like the kind of thing that you would say about that. Mm-hmm.

Just an example. He is hot under the collar, that president. Yeah. This guy's eyes are crossing crossing he's so mad about the borowitz report borowitz he says bring me borowitz in this case in this scenario the president is fred flintstone's boss no it's j jonah jameson i was pounding the desk oh yeah sure that borowitz is a menace get me pictures of borowitz and it's me like okay of course sir little does he know i am andy borowitz whoa

shit right under his nose the whole time whole time guys let's create a generation-defining sitcom like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and just retire to The New Yorker. That should be our new career goal. Yeah, I'll invent Carlton. And you guys can invent the rest. God bless that guy. He

could never work another day in his life, but he says to the american people i know you need me and he keeps working are you talking about carlton or borowitz mr borowitz alfonso ribeiro is great as the host of america's funniest home videos yeah and i believe he also sued fortnight oh yeah for stealing his dance for stealing his dance well we've had a lot of fun on jordan jesse go dave schilling has been our guest our producer is brian sunny d fernandez you can find us on social media at jesse thorn and at jordan underscore morris on twitter where you can hashtag it jj go we're also on reddit maximum fun.reddit.com we're on facebook where you can join the maximum

fun group and like jordan jesse go uh our theme music is love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and their label light in the attic records our sincere thanks to them for that i think that's it we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.