Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 658: Mama's Candy with David Rees and Jon Kimball

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

David Rees and Jon Kimball (Election Profit Makers podcast) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the tamest political scandal of all time, Jesse's big missed opportunity on LinkedIn, and the Big League Chew swallow club that David and John had in 8th grade. Plus, Jordan makes his long-awaited debut on Instagram and only has eyes for John Dickerson. Listen to David and Jon's podcast Election Profit Makers!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, a man at a crossroads. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I've been traipsing down this road for lo these many years, these 39 years. Man, I wish I, you know, I sat down today and I said to myself, Jordan, now's the time to memorize Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's greatest hit. You might need it today.

It could be really funny if you could like, you know, just break out and do the whole song perfectly. But I didn't. I sat on my fucking ass all day and I didn't memorize Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's greatest hit. But you were watching Britney Spears' greatest film, right? That's true. Co-starring Dan Aykroyd as Blue Collar Dad. So I'll just recite that movie. Okay, here's the situation I'm facing, Jordan. Yes, you're at a crossroads.

39 years. I've lived, not perfectly happily, but well enough. I've gotten by for 39 years traipsing down this road we call life. Right, on this big blue marble. Starting in San Francisco General Hospital, April 24th, 1981. What a year. Now known as Mark Zuckerberg General Hospital. Is it really? Yeah. Seriously? No, like, like, really? He, uh, he moved into the neighborhood and they, uh, they spent part of their fortune on making sure it was really sweet in case he got sick. Wow. Okay. Um,

Wow. Okay. 39 years. I go to an ear, nose, and throat guy at Hoot Sweet General. I usually go to Fog Dog Urgent Care. Still don't quite know what Fog Dog is. I know it's a popular poll on this show, but I do not quite know what it is or what. It's important that you learn, if not about FogDog.com, the Web 1.0 sporting goods store, at least that you learn about Fog Dog Urgent Care, which is the only urgent care in Los Angeles

where you can pay with flus. Wow. The internet currency, flus. Okay. 39 years I've been traipsing down this dusty, tore-up road. Right. And I finally come to a crossroads, and I don't know what to do, Jordan. You've always been sort of my mentor. Mm-hmm. Yes. Kind of a spiritual guide. Yeah.

I've just been in your head this whole time, by the way. That'd be a great podcast twist if like I wasn't real. Wouldn't that be like fucking mind-blowing? Like a Tyler Durden situation? Yeah, like a Durden. I'm just like something you manifested,

you know? And that people are tuning in because it's a guy having a one-way conversation. I think it wouldn't be the first thing about our show that paralleled the film Fight Club. Yeah. Also something that 20-year-old dudes really like, and then later they kind of are embarrassed that they ever liked it. Right.

You're not sure if our show is a celebration of toxic masculinity or a takedown of it? Yeah, exactly. It's kind of unclear. Like, maybe they didn't really go into it with... Anyway. 39 years I've been traipsing down this dusty, torn-up road, Jordan. Also, meatloaf is in our show for a few minutes. It's meatloaf, you say.

39 years. Dusty, torn-up road uh a road diverged in the woods path less traveled something like that yeah three cold juicy plums fuck you i ate them right so i happen to be looking at a deals website or the rss feed for a deals website yeah that's right i'm still using a feed reader. And I happened to be looking just as we were about to start the show. And for $6.75, including shipping, I can buy five pounds of Twizzlers. Five fucking pounds of Twizzlers. So what is the, say the price again.

$6.75. Five pounds of Twizzlers delivered. Delivered to my door. I cannot picture five pounds of Twizzlers in your estimation. And you probably eat more Twizzlers than I do. I don't love fruit candy. I like a Twizzler, but you know. I think I've seen you eat more fruit candy than I think I do.

Yeah, whatever, Jordan. We get it. You're fucking a coastal elitist. That's true. Sitting in your ivory tower eating marzipan. It's true. I love a little fondant. Fondant from the market.

What kind of candy do you like, Jordan? I like jelly deal. How much just if you went to the drugstore if you went to a cvs and bought five pounds of twizzlers how much would it set you back i mean i'm gonna say what is it i'd say like an eight ounce package of twizzlers it's probably costing you a dollar 99 or two dollars and 49 cents and how many ounces in a pound? 16 ounces in a pound. So let's say $5 a pound. So you're looking at least $25 at the CVS.

I'm just fucking terrible at math. I'm terrible at math. How many pounds in five pounds? Honestly, that one I do not know the answer to. Yeah. It's like a fucking metric system thing. I know that five pounds of feathers is the same as... Hell, I can't remember.

Can't really either. I'm bad at thought experiments. I'll give you a volumetric estimate of these Twizzlers, Jordan. Okay. It's about the size of a cinder block. Okay. But denser and waxier. Right.

Yeah, Twizzlers are a pretty dense candy. You know what the number two ingredient in Twizzlers is? Density. Number one, of course, is going to be corn syrup. That's one of your popular sweeteners. Yeah. Number two, wheat flour. Huh. But they enrich it, which is nice. That is nice. I mean, a lot of people out there are eating wheat flour without thiamine mononitrate in it. You can end up short on riboflavin if you don't enrich the wheat flour that goes into your licorice twists. Oh boy, I'd hate to see my stool if I ever went short on riboflavin. It's what keeps the stool about this item.

Coiled. Savor the tangy taste of strawberry with these classic candies. The classic... Grab a handful for a quick and easy treat for lunchboxes or for the office stash. Ooh. That doesn't sound like it was written specifically about Twizzlers. That seems like just a generic piece of snack copy that they cut and paste and everything. Twizzlers strawberry twists are a low-fat and kosher snack

with only 120 calories per three-piece serving. Who the fuck is eating three Twizzlers? You know how many Twizzlers I would eat if I had a five-pound box of Twizzlers? Five pounds. Yeah, you got it. Nailed it in one, Jordan. God damn it. My entire body would be made of Twizzlers? Five pounds. Yeah, you got it. Nailed it in one, Jordan. God damn it. My entire body would be made of Twizzle wax. You think you could like, like slowly unwrap them,

like, like kind of like bisect them and peel them back and then lay them end to end and make a little Twizzler sleeping bag? Yeah, but then I'd eat myself cold that very night. You'd freeze to death. Yeah. Out on the tundra because you ate your Twizzler very night. You would freeze to death. Yeah. Out on the tundra because you ate your Twizzlers sleeping bag. In this scenario, you're in the tundra for some reason. Yeah. Well, I'm in the tundra because I'm on a tundra challenge. Can you make it through the tundra with nothing but Twizzlers?

It turns out I didn't ration my Twizzlers appropriately. Yeah. That's a mistake a lot of early Tundra visitors make. Are you going to do it? No, let's wait till the end of the show. We'll make the decision then. Okay. It's what they call a tease in show business.

You should start an Indiegogo. What's nice about the Indiegogo is if I only raise $3.75, I can still get three pounds of Twizzlers. You know, you don't have to meet the goal to keep the money. You should do it. You should raise the money on Indiegogo and then eat all the Twizzlers on a live stream for like some very specific masturbators. Oh, yeah. God. I'd love just once to know somebody's out there cranking it, you know, to me. Yeah. Doing something cool too, like eating Twizzlers.

Are they also eating Twizzlers? No, I'm cool. I'm the one who's eating the Twizzlers. Oh, you're cool. That's what makes me so cool. Right. And so what's great about it is they're cranking it to how cool i am oh okay you know like if you were cranking it to james dean or something he rides motorcycles i eat twizzlers right you know i think it's called a muck bang exactly should we introduce our guests on the program they're probably pretty confused by now i would love to do you think they're still here one of them this is the first time we've met him the poor man they're two of the hosts of the smash hit podcast election profit makers a good friend of ours and a new friend of ours david reese and john kimball hi david and john hi hey hi john hi hi guys what do you guys think should i get these twizzlers To tell you the truth I wasn't really paying attention

I was looking at the web I heard it all What's on the web David There's a guy eating Twizzlers that's what David likes to crank it to Pages and pages of information Whoa cool I'm almost done I think I'm in the home stretch

So I just want to wrap this up What's the most interesting thing you've learned Oh boy there's all different types of people in the in this world yeah boy they can't all be right can maybe they can but sometimes it feels like they can't all be right artist i mean you're the one who's read the whole internet so you you would probably know more than us twizzlers i'm not really into can i hit you guys with a big surprise? Yeah. Remember how I said I was at a fork in the road in my life? David, you won't remember this because you were just reading the internet.

I made a fork in the road, and obviously one of the forks is five pounds of Twizzlers. You know what the other fork is? Five pounds of fucking red vines. Oh. This is a popular either or. Do you prefer a Twizzler to a red? Let's go around the horn. Do you prefer a Twizzler to a Red? Let's go around the horn. Do you prefer a Twizzler to a Red Vine? David Reese, do you prefer a Twizzler or a Red Vine?

What's the difference between them? Twizzler is waxier. It has a softer flavor. Red Vine is closer to red licorice as a thing. And Twizzlers are the one that kind of have like a spiral shape, right? They have a contour. Yep. A red vine is just... Twizzler comes in a brick, a five-pound brick,

and a red vine comes in a five-pound sort of barrel. Like a tub. Yeah. I'll go with the tub. You get that at Crafty. Barrel. Barrel. Yeah.

Not bad. I mean, there's no question that a red vine is a better choice to bite the ends off each side and then drink a Capri Sun through. Oh, are they hollow in the middle? It's like that? Really? Mm-hmm.

How do you get it into a Capri Sun pouch? That seems like that's a... It's a lot of work, but you got nothing but time. You're at fucking summer camp. I've never even heard of red vines i gotta admit i know what a twizzler is but is a twizzler is a twizzler is not hollow right the twizzler is not really hollow it's sort of flat it's sort of flat round oh yeah you're oh yeah right that's now that i remember this kind of gross how they're flattened because they look like they've been

they look like a damaged oh yeah red vine all the way they taste pretty good though actually yeah but they're flat they're tubes and so it just feels like something happened like some somebody sat on it or something it's bad product you know how many servings there is in one of these five pound things at twizzlers 91 that's 91 servings man's, I mean, you're gonna have to, this is gonna be a long live stream while you eat all these things. Yeah, well, I mean, it takes a while to consume. Hold on, doing the math here. 8,190 calories. Wow. Wait, why are we talking about this? Are you buying them on the internet right now or something? Are you candy

shopping? I'm thinking about it pretty seriously. At any point in the show, you could just say, why are we talking about this? And it would make sense. I feel like there's just a lot of better options for candy. Like what, for instance? If you were to buy five pounds of something. Man, cookie. I mean, well, ice cream cookies.

Ice cream? Lemon squares. Okay. Frozen lemon squares. Yeah. Frozen lemon squares. Yeah. Frozen lemon squares? What kind of weird Frankenstein is that? I mean, I'll keep going.

Peanut butter cups. Thin mints. Yeah, that's me. Reese's peanut butter cups. Yeah. Chocolate-covered raisins. Chocolate-covered coffee beans. Vanilla ice cream. I don't know.

Vanilla fluffernutter, peanut butter, just a spoonful of peanut butter with raisins in it. Ants on a log, celery, peanut butter and raisins. I think we're getting away from candy here. I'm pretty sure recently you said celery. Tarts, cakes, a chocolate cake. None of this is candy. Some of it is candy. Ants on a log.

Mama's candy. Is that what it's known as? The classic mama's candy. It's the kind of candy I was allowed to have when my mom would make candy. My mom used to hand out Chex Mix on Halloween. East of the Mississippi, it's called Ants on a Log. West of the Mississippi. Mama's Candy.

Mama's Candy. I want to bring up something that you two fellows were talking about on your podcast that I was listening to today and really enjoying myself. Thank you. listening to today and really enjoying myself thank you uh you were and this is something i had not i'm i'm not a huge news junkie but i try and you know i try and stay informed but i heard just from listening to your podcast about the very weird sexting scandal of cal cunningham oh fuck yeah jesse have you heard of this? Cal Cunningham, the local Ford dealer? He might be.

Worthington. Yeah. Depends on how the scandal plays out. Can you guys kind of describe it for us and the listener who might not have heard it? Because I was pretty delighted by it. I mean, you know. John, you're in North Carolina, John, so you take this one. This is a North Carolina question. Cal Cunningham is running for Senate in North Carolina, John, so you take this one. This is a North Carolina question. lurid texts or DMs with some other political analyst in California.

And he's, you know, without his wife's permission. So that's the story. The thing I thought was so delightful about it, and again, I mean, I don't delight in a marriage being broken up. I don't delight in, you know, treachery. But I think the funny detail about this was just how, like, hilariously tame they were. Like, I think, you know,

obviously his opponents want to blow it up like he's, you know, dick-picking. But I think he just said, it would make my day to roll over and kiss you right about now. It's just hugging and kissing. Exactly. It's hugging and kissing.

It's not really sexts. It is like Ned Flanders' sexting scandal. hugging and kissing sexts it is like ned flanders is sexting scandal yeah in a way it is yeah or candy hearts it's like it's like if candy hearts could text right if elementary school valentine's day cards could could text each other become sentient and start having affairs with each other. You up, and then in parentheses, for kiss? Yeah, exactly. Want to hug? Yeah.

Two times in 10 minutes? Wow, you have an amazing refractory period when it comes to hugs, David. You have to have a cool-down period. Takes me about 20 minutes to... I mean, I could hug all night in my 20s but now don't worry it happens to a lot of guys yeah it's the one hug and then I go right to sleep right

then I can't lift my arms just roll over in bed and sulk yeah I mean it's bad it's the guy's an idiot it's yeah has it like it's been it's uh the guy's an idiot it's uh yeah is it has it like has like since it it's because it's been going on for a couple weeks has it like gone anywhere or is it just like disappeared into this like world's most cavernous news cycle that we're in he's still up in the real

clear politics average john what do you think what's your take yeah the the polling is about the same um So it, but it's still, they're still hammering them and they seem to be, you know, more, more things coming out. But yeah,

it doesn't seem like it's affected the race that much. The woman that he was, was hug texting with is separated. Okay. But her husband is a disabled veteran, which is not a great look. And, I mean, this happened after he had won the primary. So it's not like this is from 10 years ago before he had any inkling of running for public office.

Like, this happened after the Democratic establishment decided to endorse him and threw a bunch of money his way. Yeah, this was July. Yeah, it was July. And he won the primary in like March or May. So he was, yeah. I still think he'll win, but it's just such a huge self-own. own and I can't decide if it would be better if they were actually

incredibly steamy and lurid or if it's going to be even worse somehow if he loses over some you know. There is a yeah there is a like a there is a there is a its own special kind of creepiness adults like texting about how they want to like kiss

each other. Sure would like to smile at you right now. Would love to hold your hand in the park right might we nuzzle thinking of you and rolling up my sleeves for you i'd be the big spoon yeah in one of them he called her historically sexy what a fucking dork player player the player master of the game right i kind of feel like i want a i want a representative who's that big of a dorkus though yeah like to me i don't i i do consider it a moral failing to cheat on one's wife uh or husband or any other spouse. Sure. Bad judgment, lack of judgment. Of course.

Yeah. And terrible to the other partner in most circumstances. But I do kind of feel like if I'm going to vote for a philanderer, I would like it to be a gentle, dorkish philanderer. Rather than a maniac sex pervert. dorkus philanderer rather than a maniac sex pervert yeah i have a friend from college who's a who's running for office right now and she's a giant dork you know what i mean like she just always has been just a real hard-working you know what i mean elizabeth warren it's great i and if i don't think she would ever cheat on her husband, but if she did, it would be with hug text. Yeah, right. Yeah. And that's why I like her. That's why I trust her. That's why I think she would make a good representative for the people of Long Beach, California. Maybe this is

all a huge four-dimensional chess and they've concocted this fake affair to show that he has a little bit of the bad boy in him but it's not getting the way of his job because he, you know. Well, I mean, I think when you, you know, obviously when you hear the story, you kind of like put yourself into it. You insert yourself into the story and you think about, you know, you think about

him hugging you. And, I don't know, to me that was kind of appealing. That's kind of what I liked about it. I liked thinking about just getting a nice politician hug. It felt good. He calls you historically sexy. That's like one of the hottest amounts of sexiness. Right.

You're a million beautiful. The people who are historically sexy, Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe, Eve, I guess, from the Garden of Eden. Sophia Loren, like Josephine Baker. Right. And. I mean, if Bill and Ted is any indication, the woman who played the Joan of Arc. And then this woman that Cal Cunningham had a little fling with.

Yeah. That's good company. And then Bill and Ted. And Bill and Ted. Bill and Ted are pretty, yeah, sure. They're gorgeous. They look good. They make that look good, okay?

Are you guys ready for a huge announcement? Yeah, I am, yeah. Sure. Everybody, I just want to make sure I get everybody to check in. Oh, sorry, yes, I'm ready. Okay. sure everybody I just want to make sure I get everybody to check in oh sorry yes I'm ready okay guy as of tonight I after not having been there I'm on the gram guys I'm on the gram I'm I'm I'm gramming from Instagram uh I I um I resisted it up until now.

And, you know, I have some reservations about getting involved with another Facebook platform. And, you know, apparently Zuckerberg's fucking hoarding hospitals all to himself. I don't approve of that. I think hospitals should be for everybody. If you're sick. He wasn't born there. Name the fucking hospital after me. Yeah.

Thank you. Jesse Thorne General Hospital. No. By the way, I should also be on General Hospital. Are you guys on LinkedIn? No, I'm not on LinkedIn. I do know that like, I think there are some comedy writers who are on LinkedIn, but I am not.

I am not personally. I'm on LinkedIn, but only because I i am not personally i'm on linkedin but only because i got confused and accidentally signed up for one in you know 2003 and uh you can't shake it oh i should try and log in and figure out how to delete my account like two years ago and there was totally an email there that was like a really big business opportunity that i totally missed because i never really. Really? Because you never checked your LinkedIn? Yeah. Wow. Like actual real business opportunity. No, that happens. Every time I check into mine, I see something horrible like that. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, why didn't I look at this? Check that, guys. You got to check the LinkedIn.

Our podcast has been good for John's LinkedIn. He's been getting a lot of LinkedIn requests from our listeners, I think because once we teased him about LinkedIn, and then all of a sudden now he's building his LinkedIn empire. It's ridiculous. What are listeners endorsing you for, John? Bitly links. I don't know. One episode, we had a thing on Bitly links. So every time somebody connects with me, they put that in the subject line. So I guess I know that. John is the king of Bitly. Wow.

Wow. When we started selling our election profit makers merchandise through a t-shirt website, John made like 30 or 40 customized Bitly links that we could use to promote it. I hope you don't get poisoned by the prints of tiny URL. What's that? John Hodgman? John Hodgman also prints himself on it. I was just trying to do a thing about

if there being a hierarchy of link shortening people. Oh, right. I don't know if it tracks. Maybe it didn't. That was good. Hey, Jordan. I'm explaining it. I don't know. Maybe it didn't. No, no. Nobody liked it. That was good. That was good. Hey, Jordan.

I'm explaining it. I'm having to yell explain it. It wasn't good. This guy, this prince, where does he live? I haven't worked that out. I don't know where he lives. Does he wear shirts or a robe? I don't know if he wears shirts.

Yeah, he wears shirts. Sure. Does that make it funnier if he wears shirts? Yeah. Jordan. Does that make it funnier if he wears shirts? Yeah. Jordan? What? What? I just want you to know that you're still my friend no matter what.

Wait, hold on a second. If John is the king of Bitly Links and his rival is the prince, does that mean his own son is his rival? Is this like a succession type thing where the prince- That's kind of what I was- No, it's the prince of tiny URL. Tiny URL. Oh, right. Okay, got it. The rival kingdom.

Yeah. But I guess the King of Tiny URL would make more sense than the Prince. Well, there's some parody there. That's King versus King. Yeah. I'm glad we figured this out. Tears of love. So so wait where did we land

was it funny or was it not funny it's good it was funny thank you thank you hey Jordan what Jordan I'm still your friend no matter what thanks pal you're welcome what are you gonna do on Instagram are you gonna post funny stuff

well I don't know I don't and I would I would love to you know I would love to workshop this with you guys. This is what Instagram stories is good for. You could put this in your stories. Is everybody here on the gram? Everybody here is gramming? I have Instagram. I am, but I don't have any idea how it works.

I have like eight photos maybe. But David, yeah, you're on it. I'm on Instagram and I have like, you know what? Let me check right now. Do you guys have time for me to open my Instagram app and tell you how many photos I've posted? Yeah, fuck it. Why not? Yeah, how many photos has Reese posted?

I mean, this is like why people listen to this show. How many photos has he posted? 294 posts. Whoa. Can you see your most liked post? No, is that possible? I didn't know that was possible. I'm new to the Gram, so I don't know about all the features.

I look at Instagram. It's fun. And one thing you... Oh, you're... Hold on. I'm looking at it. Okay. Time on Instagram, daily average, 32 minutes.

What I do is at the end of the day, when I get in bed, my two phone activities are doing the New York Times crossword puzzle and then looking at Instagram. And what you can do on Instagram, Jordan, this is interesting. Do you have Instagram open right now? I do, yes. Or I have the desktop open. Oh, well, I thought it only worked on your phone. Are you doing it on your desktop? You can look think it i thought it only worked on your phone you can like you can look at it on the desktop you cannot post anything or at least from what i understand which is a fucking

bullshit feature do you see a magnifying glass icon at the bottom of your instagram i do i see okay this is a great tool and what this will do is based on the posts that you've liked and the people that you follow right it is going to start giving you a curated list the posts that you've liked and the people that you follow, it is going to start giving you a curated list of content that you might enjoy. And then what you can do, so you're going to have this wonderful, overwhelming panoply of photos and videos all playing simultaneously,

and you just scroll through it, and you're like, oh, look at this. So for instance, I like watching videos where drummers explain how to drum different drum beats. And so now, look at this. So, I have this photo posted from an account called drums underscore my underscore life number two. And what it is is a photo of a drum set made out of little tiny vegetables, Jordan. So it looks like the bass drum, because I love to have fun and I love drums. So this drum set, the bass drums seem to be made out of zucchini.

And the toms, I think, are made out of cucumbers. And speak of the devil, we were talking about lettuce. And it looks like, I mean, we were talking about lettuce and it looks like i mean we were talking about celery we were talking about ants on a log remember that part yeah it looks like also a vegetable at my house we always called them uh mommy's candies so mommy's candy symbols um now i don't think that you will see that in your, I can't remember what this function is called, explore or like wander around. But so you won't, I can't promise that you'll see that vegetable drum set because you might

be looking at different types of Instagram. Like, what are your interests? What are you looking forward to looking at on Instagram? Well, I got on Instagram today and immediately I followed CBS News' John Dickerson. I love John Dickerson, have since

he hosted CBS this morning, then he went on to other things. So you don't follow the news, you're just a fan of newscasters. Yeah, well, Dickerson in particular. I've read a couple of newscasters. Yeah, well, Dickerson in particular. I've read a couple of his books. His books are great.

Whistle Stop Podcast. There's a lot of great Dickerson material out there. Total nerd, yeah. What are his photos like? Let me, I'm glad you asked. It's probably like, what a thrill to go to James Madison's old carriage garage. Well, close. I don't know this, but James Madison. His first post is a plaque on a house where Babe Ruth slept.

There you go. A lot of Dickerson's dog. Now, Dickerson's got a great dog. It's a very just regular ass brown dog, but it's very cute. Here's one of the dogs sleeping. John Dickerson's on Instagram. Hold on. Because I listen to the Slate Political Gab Fest.

He's one of the co-hosts of the. He's great on that oh yeah look at this and here's some maps and looks like oh his kids made him cookies the day his book got published the day his book got published his kids made him cookies it's very cute um he seems like such a mensch he just seems like the best guy you know this guy's sending hug texts. Oh, yeah. When he's on the road promoting one of his books or he's like in Iowa covering the caucuses, he probably sends the sweetest messages to his spouse. Sure would like to roll over and kiss you right now.

You're historically sexy. Eleanor Roosevelt, the first lady who redefined the position of first spouse for a new generation of proto-feminists. Ooh, he looks like he made chili here. Ooh, this is good. So, I mean, I think I'm kind of good. I don't know if I need to follow anyone else. Wait, that's your one follow? Yeah, he's the only one I follow.

Yeah, I mean, what else do I need? You gotta look at this brown dog. So you're gonna go to that magnifying glass icon and get nothing but like abraham lincoln fan accounts like i underscore love underscore abe right right abraham lincoln means or like the federalist paper memes or something he he abraham lincoln some might say was historically sexy meanwhile i've got all this garbage. What is this? This is footage of Tom Cruise doing a stunt on a train?

Why do I... Why did... Yeah, it sounds like you got a pretty shitty Instagram. I basically... I have one here of John Dickerson's season pass to Dollywood. So is it just John Dickerson, or are you also following Mo Rocca? No, I'm just... Or other CBS Sunday morning hosts? Not CBS Sunday morning. I mean, I'm just other CBS Sunday Morning hosts. Not CBS Sunday Morning. I mean, I

would like to follow Gayle King. I could see myself following Gayle King down the line. Were you a fan of Charles Kuralt? Do you know who Charles Kuralt is? I do know who Charles Kuralt is. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big Kuralt head. Yeah. He had some sleazy... What? Relationship. Kuralt?

Do tell. Oh, yeah. Kuralt had... He had like aazy relationship. What? Kuralt? Yeah. Do tell. Oh, yeah. Kuralt, he had like a separate family that was secret from his real family. Really? That secret family shit is always mind-blowing. I don't remember that at all. It's a North Carolina thing. You know, Charles Kuralt's from Tokyo.

Much like our hug texture. John Edwards, Charles Kuralle, Kyle Cunningham. What a horny state. Yep. Yeah. Here's a video of somebody showing you how to play Guns N' Roses guitar solo on a guitar. God, my life sucks. Right?

Kind of blows your mind. Jesse, you're a man who likes niche internet communities. Do you have any Instagram recommendations? Yeah, I mean, the main thing I follow on Instagram is just this one dog I like. And I'm not going to lie, I didn't go around Instagram looking for dogs. It's just one day somebody sent me an email that said, oh, my dog is on Instagram and I think you would like it. And I feel like my immediate reaction was just, fuck you. You know what I mean?

It was just so thirsty to go on Instagram and ask me to subscribe to your dog. Wait, it was their dog? They were like, hey, man, I just want to let you know I love your podcast. I think you would really like my dog. Yeah. Here's my dog's Instagram account. That's what it is to be the co-host of the judge john hodgman podcast people sending you a message right that says i think you would like my dog but they were right it sounds like anyway moral of the story is i took a quick look at the dog

i did really like it its name is city willie. Oh, and I also follow rapper Sugar Free. The other day he posted a picture of like a box truck dumping off a load of firewood. And it says, truckload cord of firewood, baby. Cozy. That sounds like a pretty good post. At official Sugar Free the pimp.

I got deep into SoundCloud rap instagram when we were writing an episode about a mumble rapper for dicktown so i know all the instagram handles of all the hottest mumble rappers like lil xan and um all all those are any of them particularly good on instagram I mean they're just a different generation you know and I mean you know God love them just stay safe wear your masks make good decisions maybe don't spend all your money on jewelry

and cars but when I say that I just sound like an old fuddy-duddy so John do you have any go-to Instagram follows just in case I want to branch out from Dickerson? No. I think I follow David. That's probably it. I am a Twitter guy.

John's a Twitter guy. So I just don't understand Instagram. I never really understood Facebook. Yeah, that was kind of my thinking. It's's, yeah, that's kind of, was kind of my thinking. It's like, okay, I can kind of like,

I can kind of like do Twitter and, and, you know, social networking in general, you know, hurts my brain if I use it for too long. Although I think that's a common, a common thing you'll hear.

But yeah, I, I didn't really think I, I don't know. Honestly, Jordan, I've never heard that before. Oh yeah? I've got a Netflix documentary I want to I... I don't know. Honestly, Jordan, I've never heard that before. Oh, yeah?

I've got a Netflix documentary I want to tell you about a million times. Yeah, a lot of people say to me like, oh, I wish I spent more time on social media. I feel like I don't get enough time on social media. Yes, yes. Or like every time I go on social media, I just feel good. Love that good feeling. And rewarded.

It's like baking. You just, when you're done, you'll be like, where's my phone? I need more phone time. Oh, it's just like cordwoods. So cozy. But I know what you, I know what you mean, John. I feel like I, I, I felt, I felt good and adequate with Twitter and didn't know if I needed something else.

But, you know, we're living in unusual times, so I wanted to branch out a little bit. I really like Instagram. I think Instagram, I think if I looked at Twitter right before I went to bed, I would not feel good. But when I look at Instagram and I can see things that are visual, it's not text-based, there seems to be less animosity and vitriol than there is on Twitter. And, you know, you can look at like pictures of landscapes or, you know, pictures of drum sets made out of vegetables, the stuff that will send you off into dreamland. You know, it can be, it's less anxiety provoking for me than Twitter is. What are you guys looking at on Instagram?

You're looking at funny animals or you're looking at near pornography it's okay so you know what jesse that's an interesting way to think about it because what do you wait hold on what do you mean when you say near pornography he means like ladies in bikinis right oh yeah like on instagram there's two broad categories of content right there's okay animals doing something funny or cute, sometimes cute. Yep. And then there's pictures that are not quite pornography. Okay.

Because nudity is not allowed on Instagram. Yeah, I mean, don't go around posting nudie pics on there. It's for near pornography. What about artistic nudity? Painting is okay, but if it's a photograph and it has nudity in it, it will get flagged and pulled. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. I mean, this is no joke. This is Instagram. They're not messing around here. You'll get in trouble. Okay.

So when I scroll through my Instagram feed, I see a lot of, you know, it's kind of like what Facebook was like for me before I left Facebook. It's a lot of people who I know over the years and I can kind of see what they're up to. And then I follow a lot of, um, uh, like it's kind of really dorky, but like effects pedals,

manufacturers and circuit bending musicians and people who like hobbies. I use it a lot more for hobbies than I, than Twitter. I use for more like what's happening. What's the latest? What can I be mad about? Instagram is more like, what's happening? What's the latest? What can I be mad about? Instagram is more like, oh, here's an idea for a little musical project I could do. Or like, oh, look at this cool new delay pedal.

Or I used to be really into making collages. And I followed like collage artists. Like, oh, that's a cool collage technique. So that kind of stuff. Then I got really into miniatures. I was following like a lot of diorama makers and model makers. Some of these guys I can probably let go at this point, but yeah, I need to lighten my feet. Some of them are just dead weight, tiny dead weight. And then I follow a couple of celebrities, you know. Who's your top Insta celeb? Queen Latifah.

I think she's really famous yeah she is super famous foxy too i bet she's good on there i bet she's good on there thanks jordan i mean it's a weird time to be following celebrities because so many celebrities their instagram now is like pretty political especially over the last six months you know um i don't know if it's typical for what their feed would be like in like quotequote normal times because they can't really promote there's only so much they promote so a lot of the celebrities that i follow it's mostly just like retweeting like black lives matter or political stuff looks like john dickerson here's another dickerson post um looks like he's a picture of something called hog's breath seasoning caption is fam a favorite family meal of pork loin and hog's breath seasoning.

Introduced to me 18 years ago by an old salt. Might be kind of a pun there because it's a seasoning. Yeah, that sounds like Dickerson. So this is pretty good. I mean, again, I don't know that I need anything else. I want to see what shows up in your recommendation feed. So just follow him for a while. Okay.

This is a fresh follow, right? You started today? Started today. today follow dickerson nobody else so let's keep it in that theme just let it season for a while just season it for a while and then someday go over to that magnifying glass and what they will probably do is just recommend all kinds of random bullshit because they're probably like we can't get a read on this guy like one follow and it and it's John Dickerson. I don't know. Like, throw him Kim Kardashian in like an MIT math department. Just see where he goes, you know? So just see what the algorithm suggests for you.

The algorithm's kind of miraculous like that. And then you'll build your new identity. And you'll have all new interests and a whole new group of friends. And it's all through Instagram. I'm following Dickerson now. This dog is pretty cute. The dog's cute. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. What about compare him to City Willie? Okay. I'm going to bring up. Okay. Let's compare. Let's all go around.

Everybody's got a laptop, right? So everybody will go to City Willie Instagram and then go to John Dickerson Instagram. John Dickerson's dog's cuter. I mean, City Willie's cute, but he's not my style. He's a cute little grumpy fellow. Could you spell City Willie for me? W-I-L-L-I-E. Oh, I was spelling it with a Y.

Willie the dog, it says. And now we're comparing that to john dickerson's dog yeah yeah this one is just a picture of john dickerson and his wife and it just says hi and it gets 3030 likes people love dickerson he's a celebrity fuck john dickerson he's great he's got a beautiful wife a lovely family they made him cookies the day his book comes out what do you not like about that? It's a nice dog. I think I like City Willie more than John Dickerson's dog.

Aw. But I see why John Kimball prefers... You like John Dickerson's dog more, don't you, John? Yeah, that's just my kind of dog. Yeah, that's your kind of dog. Yeah. So we've all...

It's okay. So we have one for Dickerson's dog. That's from John. John, you like John. David? City Willie. City Willie. Jesse?

City Willie. Easy call. Okay. But City Willie, it's like it's all a professional. They're working. They've got all this camera. It's not slapdash like John Dickerson from network television. I see what you mean.

Right. It's a dog model. It's a dog model. It's a dog model. Thank you. Yep. So, John, you're responding to the kind of like lo-fi kind of like, you know, amateur. 90s. This is like the Sebado of dogs.

Yes, John Dickerson's dog is the Sebado of dogs. I would say he's more of a Fountains of Wayne, but reasonable people can disagree. Now go to drums underscore my underscore life number two. Hold on, I want to weigh in on City Willie V. Dickerson's dog, whose name, let's just say, is Sebado.

So two really good dogs. I think I gotta give it to City Willie, though. City Willie is great. He's got a lot of fuzz around the face. Too great dog. He's too full of himself. Okay. Yeah.

Well, let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jesse, go, of course, supported by the members of MaximumFun.org, all the kind folks who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. This week, we're also supported by our friends at Manscaped. They just released a new product, Jordan. You know, of course, they're known for nard shaving. Yeah, I mean, the area in and around the nards. Yeah. They're known for a lot of people have messy nards and you can clean them right up clean up those nards but they got a new product

this is for those of us who's who's barber jerry retired you know this is a lot they'll do you know how they do focus groups to figure out what kind of new products? They had a focus group, and a lot of people's barber, Jerry, had retired. And Jerry always was nice enough to do a little cleanup in the ears and nose when he was doing his snip snips. Jerry didn't go near the nards, though, did he? He did, but not in the shop, only in a private context. Private context, sure. Yeah. off only in a private context private context sure yeah it's kind of i mean he had those those

those uh big stainless steel massagers that attach to your hands how could you not let that guy near your nards well he's retired uh and so i imagine you've got some stray nose hairs that aren't getting trimmed i'm not getting any younger either, Jordan. These nose hairs are going wild. They're going wild. These are like a tiger that got out of its cage at the zoo. Nose hair, ear hair. These nose hairs are eating children who are eating cotton candy. Jesse, I've got some great news for you.

Yeah, the hair's out of control, but Manscaped has just released the Weed Whacker Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer. Jesse, it's a special trimmer just for ear and nose hair. I used it myself. And listen, we've talked about Manscaped on the show. We're big fans of the Manscaped Nard product. Yeah. Even Brian just told us he got himself one of them and he loves it.

Brian's Nards look great, I imagine. Yeah, I presume they do too. He's manscaped. Within legal bounds. So? The bounds of law and decency. They sent over a weed whacker. I stuck it in my nose.

I stuck it in my ear. My nose and my ear, they look as good as my nards. And you cut beautiful nards like a like a florida sunset it's listen i those nose and ear hairs they're so painful to pull out but not with the weed whacker it's this thing you stick up your nose and it makes a sound and it just cleans it out it's great you know what it uses a 9 000 rpm motor powered 360 degreeblade system. Yeah, those are the specs. I mean, it's intelligently contoured design, enhances the trimming experience,

and it is waterproof, which makes for easy operation and cleaning. I can't emphasize how important this waterproof feature is. It's great. I love to get rid of hair in the shower. And the fact that the Manscaped products you can take in the shower with you, it's a game changer. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use the code JJGO. What are you waiting for? Go whack your weeds.

Holiday shopping season's coming up i hope people my mother told me when i graduated from high school what are you waiting for go whack your whack your weeds uh jordan this is just this is only this is sort of a parallel issue right i just checking out the customer questions and answers here on these five pounds of Twizzlers. Mm-hmm. Does it have Bluetooth? I mean, does it? Have they answered? It says, I'll bet you meant to post that on another product, but no, the candy does not, surprisingly, come with Bluetooth.

Good clap back. Smiley face. Hope I was helpful. Oh, wow. Somebody else put in a really good response. You want to hear what the other response was? Sure. No.

Only red tooth if you eat a bunch. Nice. Nice. Fuck yeah. Comedy is everywhere. Do you want to know how many pieces come in a five pound package? 189. Jeez Louise.

A lot of twiz 189 2.2 kilograms that is a lot of twist here's a good question about this one where the five pound pull-away twirlers at they don't sell them in stores anymore why where are the five pound pull-away twirlers at answer me that jordan i honestly don't know what a five pound pull-away twirler is where's the fucking five pound twirl pull-away twirler what i don't know what it is here's a question follow-up question okay yeah how do you soften this what is a what is a pull away twirler will you send me a year supply of twizzlers 48 twizzlers per day if i film a video of me eating all of these in one sitting less than 15 minutes that's that's on there or that's you that's you saying it no that's a question someone asked. Wow. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, they kind of stole your thing there.

I mean, I thought you were going to be the one to eat all those on cam, but... Bumblebees gave that person a frank answer. Sorry. The answer is no. Not many people will feed you a free treat for a year. There are some people, but they're known in the community as unicorns

right they'll feed you a free treat for a year if you know what i'm saying maybe they'll trim your nards okay let's get back to the show we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, loveas, the original wave rider. John Kimball, Long John Silver, and the King of Bitly Links. They were ready. The Bitly King. That sounds like an infomercial guy. David Reese, before we went on the air, checked in with us. And he says, can I just use my official nickname?

And he did. My title, my podcast nickname and he did my title my podcast title and he did he went ahead and used it when something momentous happens to you like you're standing at the crossroads of buying and not buying five pounds of waxy strawberry candy give us a call at 206-984-4FUN or email us voicememo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Now, Jordan, last week on the program, I asked our listeners to call in if they had met any in a long list of Oakland Athletics from 1988 and 1989. Yes. It was a huge, easily our most popular segment to date. Stan Javier, I said probably.

Right. Ron Hasse, Walter Weiss, Gene Nelson, Rick Honeycutt. So from what Brian tells me, people called in on this. Right. So I just want to start with this. We initially were pursuing stories about Ozzy Canseco, Jose Canseco's twin brother, who also played for the A's, who was somebody's Uber driver that called in. Then somebody called in about Jose Canseco, and that's fine. It was interesting.

Jose Canseco, a well-known, colorful character. We're not just talking about Carney Lansford here. No offense to Carney Lansford. So we'll see what these people have to say, because I will be honest with you, I was just fondly reminiscing about the 1988, 1989, 1990-ish Oakland Athletics. I didn't really expect people to call in with actual stories. I don't know if this is going to be interesting, people calling in about this. And I'm not even sure that they called in about the right people. They might just be calling in about other baseball players. So I guess we're going to find out.

Play that call. Hi, this is Ruben from Dallas. My friend of my dad's when I was growing up was actually Jose Canseco's personal trainer. And he was actually maxed in those Sports Illustrated stories for, I think that might have been Alex Rodriguez as well. But I went to Jose Canseco's house and hung out on his basketball court and met Jose Canseco. That dude had the biggest arms I had ever seen. So Jose Canseco, a very weird, very big dude. Thanks.

Yeah, that guy's fucking yoked. Jose Canseco. This guy's juicing, in my opinion. He seems to be kind of a Forrest Gump-like figure. In that he's... You find him throughout American history? It seems like it, yeah. I mean, we've had...

I mean, obviously he's been a topic on this show since its inception, and we've had two Jose Canseco run-ins. Yeah, I don't know. I'm starting to think that he's kind of a guardian angel watching over us all. He's the tippy canoe in Tippy Canoe and Tyler, too. A lot of people don't know that.

Interesting. He's the original Bull Moose. Did you know that? Teddy Roosevelt was copying him. David and John, are you guys baseball guys? No. No, I like college basketball. We don't have baseball in north carolina

well we used to go watch unc play at bosham or stadium remember yeah we got the durham bulls you know they're in bulls they used to hand out chewing tobacco at the u the skull chewing tobacco at the unc baseball games do you remember that john no and they would hand out i had a skull what's it called skull 66 t-shirt they would chewing tobacco would do promotions and give t-shirts to children who had gone to unc baseball games back in the 80s this north carolina man yeah i have yeah i've i've never chewed tobacco before i don't think i have either you don't want to it's not good yeah it looks cool though right and it doesn't make a mess that's what's nice about it yeah what's cool what's cool about it is that it's just a kind of

elegant thing to do right right yeah uh i do i do feel like it maybe had a had a moment where like your your scuzzy or hipster was doing it you know like i'm sure like a like a paps guy you know there were paps guys there for a while. Right. Yeah, that's very true. Did you ever try Big League Chew, the chewing gum that was modeled on chewing tobacco? Yes. Do you remember that?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I would chew five pounds of Big League Chew right now. Wow. Turn on your webcam. Oh, my God. John Kimball, do you remember? This is a memory from eighth grade. John Kimball, do you remember the night we had the Big League Chew Swallow Club at my house?

Good God. Do you remember that, dude? No, I don't remember that. That was so insane. We had a bag of Big League Chew, and we all took a huge handful, and we chewed it, and then we all swallowed it. That's still in your stomach to this day. Yeah, yeah,'t know so you guys are you guys are high school friends uh we met in seventh grade wow known each other for over i guess we've known each other for about 35 years and you've been podcasting that whole time the whole time we were the first yeah we were the

first well mark maron was technically the first mark maron was the first. Well, Mark Maron was technically the first. Mark Maron was the first. Yeah. But he learned it by watching us. We would just interview each other for three hours a week, back and forth, trade off. So did you, yeah, so how did the podcast happen if you guys, so you guys were high school friends, and then how did the podcast happen? podcast happen? I think what happened was I just called John one afternoon in 2016 during the primary season and asked him what he had been doing all day, because John is always up to interesting things. He'll get fixated on urban infrastructure or skyline rankings or stuff like, you know, mapping old Native American trails in North Carolina. And that afternoon when I caught

him, he was on this website, predicted.org, betting against Trump supporters, basically shorting Donald Trump and making a lot of money because there was a lot of what we thought at the time was irrational exuberance in the pro-Trump market on this political futures trading website. And he was talking about it, and it was so interesting to me. I thought maybe we could turn that into a podcast i had never made a podcast before but john agreed to do it and then we hooked up with my friend starley who helped us make it and so we we did it just for the we just did it for election season 2016 and then we recorded our last heartbroken episode the morning after the 2016 election after john had been completely wiped out for thousands of dollars because he had obviously bet on the wrong candidate.

And then we decided to bring it back for 2020 to take revenge and try to get our money back. Because what could go wrong? For me, it's just an excuse to talk to my buddy every week because otherwise he would never return my calls or pick up the phone.

Jesse, these baseball players you were listing, they are baseball players from our youth. Sure. Have you met any of them? Was there a thing where you could, you know, go to a certain pizza place and get an autograph? Were they at the mall?

I met a couple at, I used to go to baseball clinics. You know, the teams would put on youth baseball clinics. Right baseball clinics right I like went to Balboa Park in San Francisco and met Rod shooter Beck how was that it was great and he was he was a he was a rookie or maybe it was his second year then he became a great closer but he had a tragic end but before he his end, there was a period where he had signed a minor league contract with, I believe it was the Cubs, because he had been a fastball pitcher and had lost his fastball. And he was in his mid-30s, which is old for a heavily traveled relief pitcher. And so he had to sign a minor league contract

after having been an all-star and uh he was playing in triple a for the cubs in iowa city or wherever the cubs triple a team is and he was just living in an rv in the parking lot outside of the stadium and so he would just sit there before games in like one of those folding camp chairs and just invite fans to hang out with him and have a beer. Wow. And I got to say, like, my experience, my experience meeting him at that baseball clinic, he had the same positive attitude. But I didn't, I didn't meet that many. Once in a while, they'd be signing at a baseball card show, but I didn't ever have any money to pay $20 for...

A headshot or something? Stan Javier's autograph. Yeah, what do they sign? They're signing baseball cards probably, right? They're signing headshots, right? For walk-on roles on 227 and stuff like that. I don't think baseball players have headshots. Just any memorabilia.

So were you an Oakland A's fan? You were an Oakland A's fan. Well, yeah. I mean, my father was an Oakland A's fan. And then I'm from San Francisco, so I was a Giants fan. But in the Bay Area, I think. I mean, there's a certain amount of Oakland A's fans who are jealous of the Giants because they won three World Series, but

in general, there's not a huge amount of acrimony between them. So it's okay to pick, root for one and then, you know, generally root for the other as long as they're not playing. Really? Yeah, for sure. It's quite different from like Chicago, where it's a proxy race war, as far as I can tell. Right. Or Duke and North Carolina. Yeah, exactly.

It's a generally pretty friendly relationship between the Giants. So you wanted the 1989 team because that was the year that they were both. Exactly, yeah, you nailed it. I just remember it from Al Michaels. Wasn't it his call? Earthquake in 1989? Yeah, I remember my grandmother calling me

because she was watching Game 3 of the World Series on television. That was a tough year for me as a little tiny Giants fan because my dad was an A's fan and the A's just destroyed the Giants. I mean, my dad was nice about it, but that's how it goes. But I mean, look, nothing wrong with Ricky.

There's nothing wrong with Ricky Henderson. You know what I mean? Nothing wrong with Dave Henderson. Nothing wrong with Carney Lansford. These guys are great. Did either of you get to meet any childhood heroes as kids? Did you ever? I'm trying to think.

I think once I met Chris Brust. What's that? That's a walk-on player. He was a walk-on player for UNC. My mom was a systems analyst at the Student Health Service. And so sometimes the basketball players would come into the Student Health Service. And I think once I was at her work when Chris Brust came in. So you're telling us you met a non-scholarship college basketball player?

Yeah. Yeah. It haunts me. I got a picture with James Worthy. My mom's favorite basketball player. Did you really? Yeah. Yeah.

Where? Was he wearing his famous sport goggles? No, he wasn't. It was actually in University Mall in front of Rose's, David. Wow. Wait, was he, and he was playing for the,

what was this, like 81? Yeah, he was playing for, no, he was playing for UNC at the time, yeah. I was thinking about this tonight because the Lakers won tonight, and James Worthy was tweeting about it. James Worthy is my mom's all-time favorite basketball player and Mike Watt's all-time favorite basketball player. And I was thinking, I wonder if James Worthy is the only shared favorite

of my mom and legendary punk bassist Mike Watt. Like that's the one overlap in the Venn diagram. Well, they probably both love Poirot. But is their favorite detective? I mean, probably, right? What other, what does your mom love? Spencer for hire? No, I read those.

My mom had a lot of the rabbi books on what, like on Friday, the rabbi slipped in. On Saturday, the rabbi was late. Those books. That was a series of books she had when I was a kid and I was fascinated by them because they seemed so mysterious and adult. But I don't remember Poirot books, but I'm sure she had her Agatha Christie books. I got to meet a paleontologist once as a kid. Really?

Yeah, that was, I was a dinosaur kid. So like my mom took me to something where you could meet a paleontologist. And I think I asked them what the newest dinosaur they found was. And then I ate a waffle shaped like a dinosaur. Whoa. Yeah. Where was this? That's cool.

I don't know. You don't know where you grew up? Was this paleontologist working at a waffle house? Orange County, California. He's like, well, there's only so many jobs digging up dinosaur bones. I don't know what building we were in where I met a paleontologist. I mean, it could have been, these could have been two separate stops, and I've conflated them in my mind but um into your dinosaur memory your mega memory of all

things dinosaurs and maybe the it was just a normal waffle but my memory of this is meeting the paleontologist asking him what the newest dinosaur excuse me asking her what the newest dinosaur she had found was and then eating a dinosaur-shaped waffle. Speaking of mega memory, when I was a teen, I met Kevin Trudeau. Mega memory. I didn't really. Sure. That was good. That was good, Jesse.

I'm going to be more supportive about your Kevin Trudeau thing than everybody else was about my Prince of Tiny URL thing. I'm taking the high road here. Hey, are we still friends? John, did you ever meet Dean Smith? I never met Dean Smith, but I almost ran over Dean Smith one time. Like with a car? Legendary UNC basketball coach.

Yeah, I was driving through the Oaks, which is the neighborhood where the chapel hill country club is and all of a sudden dean smith walked out right in front of me and he was golfing i think it was probably a crosswalk so i probably would have been at fault were you in your uh escort the ford escort yeah 1982 lime green ford escort that would have been bad great year for the escort you should have seen that coming imagine if you would hit deanort. That would have been bad. Great year for the Escort. You should have seen that coming. Imagine if you had hit Dean Smith, you would have had to go into FBI. That would have sucked. My life would be over.

Oh, my God. Woo! That's scary to think about. Yeah, it is. Guys, we have one more call. Let's take a listen to it. Hello, this is Sean in Canada. I'm calling with a momentous occasion, sort of a follow-up to a call you had this week about Jose Canseco playing poker.

I will be as pithy as possible. I was also playing poker in Las Vegas. I was in a poker tournament at Jesus Palace. During a bathroom break, I went to use the bathroom, and I ended up at the urinal next to Jose Canseco. I noticed as he walked out that he did not wash his hands. I go back to the poker tournament and then realize that Jose is also in the poker tournament. He was at one of the other tables. So fast forward a while, and Jose and I end up at the same table,

and swear to God, I end up knocking Jose Canseco out of the poker tournament. Now, the customary first thing you do as soon as you knock someone out of a poker tournament is you shake their hand. So I shook their hand, and as I was grasping his very muscular hand, I realized, oh, he didn't want to stand in the washroom. I guess I just sort of secondhand touched Jose Canseco's penis. So there you go. That's my Jose Canseco story.

Goodbye. Good God. There's got to be somebody who listens to our show who's firsthand touched it, right? Yes. Have you fucked Canseco? We want to hear from you. Even if you haven't fucked Canseco? We want to hear from you. Even if you haven't fucked Canseco, if you've fucked whatever, Mike Gallego, Felix Jose, you know what I mean? Like if you've given a quick handjob to Terry Steinbach, give us a call.

Hold on, Jesse. I feel like we have a pattern here that we need to follow i feel like has this segment become all jose canseco are we are we wiping out all the other options and is this an all jose canseco segment now because feeling like it's all jose canseco it's like does mark mcguire just not get out at all i guess not he doesn't play in many poker tournaments, apparently. Where is Dennis Eckersley in all this? You know what I mean? I don't know. I mean, I would love to get a Canseco hat trick. So if someone out there has another Canseco run in, please call it in.

Because I would, you know, comedy rule of threes. If we can get that third one, I think that'll be something special. That's fair. Matt Doherty. I think I met matt doherty what's that he was a small forward on the 1982 ncaa champion unc tar hills and later well became the head coach i think i met him once i have to go back and listen to our old podcast episodes from 1982 john and see if i mentioned it because i'm sure i'm sure we would have led with i'm sure we would have led with that because I would have been so excited. Right. Right after our Blue Apron ad read from 1982.

206-984-4FUN is our phone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org, our email address. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Video games. be back in just a second on jordan jesse go video games video games video games you like them maybe you wish you had more time for them maybe you want to know the best ones to play maybe you want to know what happens to mario when he dies in that case you should check out triple click it's a podcast about video games a podcast about video games but A podcast about video games? But I don't have time for that. Sure you do. Once a week,

Kickback as three video game experts give you everything from critical takes on the hottest new releases to scoops, interviews, and explanations about how video games work. To fascinating and sometimes weird stories about the games we love. TripleClick is hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton. Me, Jason Schreier. And me,

Maddie Myers. You can find TripleClick wherever you get your podcasts and listen at MaximumFun.org. Bye. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm James, host of Minority Corner, which is a... Podcast that's all about intersectionality. It's hosted by James, the guest host, every week. Discussing all sorts of wonderful issues, nerdy and political. Pop culture.

Black, queer, feminism. Race, sexuality. News. You're going to learn your history, their self-empowerment, and it's told by what feels like your best friend. Why should someone listen to Minority Corner? Why not? Oh my God, free stuff.

There's not free stuff. The listeners of Minority Corner will enjoy some necessary LOLs, but mainly a look at what's happening in our world through a colorful lens. People will get the perspective of marginalized communities. I feel heard, I feel seen. Like you said, you need to understand how to be more proactive in your community, and this is a great way to get started. Join us every Friday on MaxFun or wherever you get your podcasts. Minority Corner, because together we're the majority. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. David Reese Kid Midas, the original wave rider. John Gimble, Long John Silver, king of the bitly links. David and John, what a delight it's been to have you here on our program. Well, we really appreciate you letting us come on. Yeah. Yeah, that was fun.

I can't order all these fucking Twizzlers, can I? Don't. No. Do it! Order the Twizzlers. Eat them on cam. Do this instead. Do the best of both worlds. Just follow Twizzlers corporate account on Instagram and just smash that like button enough. And maybe someday they'll just send you a bucket for free. Twizzlers.

24,000 followers. You'd think Twizzlers would be doing better. Yeah, you would think. They have more followers than John Dickerson, I think. No, I think Dickerson's got more. Dickerson's got to have more. He's got 27, I think. Twizzlers blacked out their Instagram

feed for Blackout Tuesday. That's good. Twizzlers believes that Black Lives Matter. There's also a pride Twizzler Twizzler Twizzler pride flag here. I think what it needs to do

the Twizzler account needs to start doing sick burns on other candies. That's like what you want out of the corporate Twitter account, right? Like how Wendy's... That's how you own the Twitter news cycle for a day if Wendy's is fighting with Burger King or something. So Twizzlers could clap back at Red Vines. Then we got something here. Red Vines could crush them though because

it'd be like it at least we don't look like we got run over by a truck or had a pallet dropped on us your fake ass flat ass tube candy at least at least we're not waxy dude icy has 114 000 followers they're kicking the shit out of twizzlers whoa might be fake follows you know why i can't tell on instagram ices are dope that's. That's why. Icy's are hella good. Yeah, way better than a Slurpee. So much better than a Slurpee. Dramatically better than a Slurpee. Fewer flavors, so there's a lower fun factor.

But, I mean, as far as just pure sipping enjoyment, yeah, Icy over Slurpee any day of the week. You can get them at the movies. It's got that almost, it's almost fluffy. Yeah. Ugh. No? No? No, Dave? I don't like thinking about fluffy liquids. That's gross.

It's dope. Seems like you need to open your mind. All these cool teens are enjoying Icy's. John, Icy Slurpee, do you have an opinion? I'm a Slurpee guy. Slurpee was only 7-Eleven, right? I think so, yeah.

I think Icy is like maybe a Circle K thing, but also like a movie theater. Yeah, see, I don't think we had Circle Ks. We were from Slurpee country. Yeah, this was Slurpee country. They have Icy's at Target sometimes. Yeah, oh. I got a lot of Icy's at Target back in the day. Ah, ah, simpler times.

I was at a Target recently. I was disappointed to find that the pandemic our world has gone through, one of its many calamities, calamitous results, has been that there is no icies at the Target. Did they sell Mama's candy? Was that vaguely Southern this time? Sometimes when we were short on rent, my mom had to sell her candy at the Target.

Jesse, go buy celery for mama's candy. Jesse's mother was the main character of a Tennessee Williams play. Uh-huh. Thanks for the update, by the way, Semi Elvis. David Reese's famous character. Okay, look, this is the end of the program. David and John are two of the co-hosts of the podcast, Election Profit Makers. What's your big profit maker lately? What have you closed a big deal on? thing we had recently were the ban wars where we started raising money for voting rights organizations by listeners donating money and then sending us the receipt and then telling us which other listener to ban from listening to the podcast. We're the only podcast that is trying to have zero listenership by election night 2020. So, so far we've raised $18,000. So, that's been

kind of a success for us. But in terms of actually making money on the election john how are you doing uh i i made money on amy coney barrett being uh the nominee for the supreme court as much as i didn't feel great about it but yeah and i'm gonna make a lot of money on november 3rd hopefully knock on wood our producer brian Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit, maximumfund.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at jessithorn at jordan underscore morris. Hashtag your tweets, hashtag JJGO. If you've got corrections about the podcast, we, of course, value quality. So tweet those corrections at JDPower on Twitter.

Sometimes I goof around with that JDPower. I wonder who's back there. And hey, follow Dickerson on Instagram. He's a great follow. Yeah. The only follow I need.

Take a look on Instagram. See if you can find Walter Weiss. 1988 American, 1989 American League Rookie of the Year, Walter Weiss. God, did I get that right? Drums underscore my underscore life too if you want to see the drum set made out of vegetables. 1988. He's a 1988 American League Rookie of the Year. You'd see we did Twitter.

We're also on facebook uh looks like sounds like we're on instagram jordan what's your instagram handle oh i don't know i think it's jordan david morris jordan david morris there you go yeah again i'm here late so i had to throw in the middle name it's embarrassing but i mean do you think between this week's show and next week's show we can get you ahead of professional soccer player Jordan Morris? Oh, no fucking way. I mean, I don't know. 65,000 followers?

Let's see. All that means is that for every person who listens to Jordan Jesse go, they just have to convince 10 of their friends. Yeah, that guy, I mean, he's a local hero to the people of Seattle. He's a high-scoring soccer player. Handsome dude, recently engaged. There's no fucking way you would follow me over him. I mean, he's just the best. I love him.

How good is his cat? I don't know if he has a cat, so maybe I got that on him. Hey, how come that guy hasn't been on Jordan Jesse Go? Brian, get on that. Oof, yeah. He's got 62. 62K. I think we can do it oh he's got a big sheep dog

if he had 64k he'd be a Commodore computer sing he would thank you gotta go out on a high note folks we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go MaximumFun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.