Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 664: Hell Phone Calls with Tom Scharpling

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

Broadcasting legend Tom Scharpling (The Best Show, Double Threat ) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how Jordan has developed a taste for three dollar pear, Tom's targeted ads on Instagram for donut shops and Halloween masks, and Tom's piping hot take of how C-3PO is a worse Star Wars character than even Jar Jar Binks.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm the green grocer, Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's that sumo season, Jordan. That's why I chose the name the green grocer. It's your favorite citrus. It's the top citrus. There was a momentary heel turn where i switched to the sumo or deco pond but they're too expensive and you have to go get them at whole

foods oh sure uh if you're not if you're not driving past the asian grocery so i don't want to buy a i don't want to spend four dollars or three dollars on a single fruit. No, man. I actually have now developed a taste for a certain $3 pear. Oh, shit. I saw these pears the other day, and I'm like, oh, that's a boy. And it was so impressive. It was just huge.

It was an absolute unit, as the kids say. Yeah. And I'm like, that's a great-looking pear. It's an absolute unit. And I got it. I'm like,'s a that's a great looking pair it's an absolute unit and i got it i'm like give me two pairs and then the pair man charged me six dollars and then i drove home mad and then i ate the fucking pair i cut the pair up mad i'm like fuck this and then i ate the pair and i'm like well i i i guess i'm factor factoring this into the budget. Was this like an Asian gift pair?

Like in Japan, what I mean by this is in Japan... Jesse, I told you it was an absolute unit. I think that's the... I think that's its official Latin name. In Japan, they have special fruit. There's regular fruit, and then there's special fruit that you buy. It's more expensive, and you give it as a gift. And if you go to a Japanese grocery store, they will sometimes have a little special fruit section where the special fruit that costs $20 for a cantaloupe or whatever is there. But I once

bought some of the special fruit and it was fucking tremendous. It was spectacularly good. Is it possible that you bought Japanese gift fruit i don't know i don't this was not this was just in a you know in a pile with the other fruits i don't know i don't know what uh yeah maybe i'm not supposed to be eating this myself maybe this is only forgiving but i mean i guess i could justify by saying it's a gift i give myself. Yeah. And aren't I the most important part of my life? They call that caring for yourself. I read about it in the New York Times style section. Yeah.

Oh, they had a feature on $3 pairs? Well, apparently two different people in Brooklyn bought it. So that's a trend for the New York Times style section. Two Brooklynites buy $3 pairs. What color are the pairs? Are they green pairs? Yeah, I guess another reason they may have made it in the New York Times style section is that they're wearing like aviation jumpsuits. They're a receptionist at a literary agency and they just bought a $3 million apartment. So they're in there. Yeah.

receptionist at a literary agency and they just bought a three million dollar apartment so they're in there yeah describe these pears to me uh they're roundies big roundies it's they're they're i would say that they you could confuse them for melons they're huge they're round yeah and uh they're nice and firm i like a firm fruit i like a firm pear they're not too juicy you gotta kind of you gotta teeth them a little bit are these asian pears do they almost are do they seem like a firm fruit. I like a firm pear. They're not too juicy. You got to kind of, you got to teeth them a little bit. Are these Asian pears? Do they almost, do they seem like they're half pear, half apple? Maybe. Yeah. That's a good theory. That's a two or $3 fruit. That's a hundred percent. You got yourself some nice Asian pears. This is the season for them. As your resident green grocer, I can't recommend them enough. Yeah. These, you got to go, you should go to the Korean grocery store and buy the big fancy ones that come

wrapped in their own individual styrofoam netting. But what if they, I'm just a little bit worried. Here's my concern. That I go there and I pick these out from the gift fruit section and then the checkers ringing me up and, you know, and they say, hey, you know, just checking in, these are gift fruits. And then I let it slip that I have no one. I have no one in my life. And then maybe he'll take the pears away from me. He'll have me thrown out of the store. You know what I could see happening in that situation? Maybe I'm a glass half full kind of guy, but I could see you take the pears to the checker. The checker says, oh, I just want

to check in, make sure you know that these are gift fruits. You say, well, I have no one. And the checker says, well, now you have me and gifts them to you. Whoa. And then he leans in for a kiss. you whoa and then he leans in for a kiss man sounds hot yeah a little peck just a peck just a peck on the lips like friends do is this the start of one of those hallmark christmas movies yeah and then do do he and i go on to save christmas together yeah like there's a small from his grumpy city family that's come to your small town in Vermont. Yeah, exactly. Because they don't believe in Christmas, harumph. Yeah.

And then me and this pear man smooch and then teach them about, I don't know, Jesus or something. Well, Jordan. Yes. You don't have no one because, first of all, you have me and Brian. That's true. No, I joke. I have a lovely support system and many people in my life who care about me and vice versa. I was saying that for the purpose of a joke. And I hope that the people in my life know that I value them and that everybody's getting a $3 pair for the holidays.

and that everybody's getting a $3 pair for the holidays. Jordan, not only do you have Brian and myself. That's true. But you're about to make a new friend. Oh my goodness. Our guest on this week's program, who's both a podcasting and a broadcasting legend. That's right. Yes. He's a looker, folks.

And he's a talker. Nice. He's a television writer, a film writer. Like this. And he's one of the stars of Steven Universe. He's the host of Double Threat with Julie Klausner. He's the host of The Best Show, one of the greatest and longest running comedy programs in broadcasting and podcasting history. He's the guest we've never had on this show, but have always dreamed of having. Never, no. Live from Los Angeles, California, Thomas Sharpling. Tom Sharpling. Hi, Tom. Oh my goodness. That was the greatest introduction I've ever received. Yeah. I don't, I feel like I don't know that

person. That person seems very impressive. And I'm just like, boy, I wonder if that person would ever talk to me. Cause I'm just a complete loser. That person sounds like a total winner. How is it that you can be the same? You could feel that way and hear that and still feel like you're not that person. That's what it is to be an artist, Tom. Right. I guess maybe that's what it is. By the way, I should mention, just for your benefit, Tom, that that whole intro,

I had written for Regis, but then he died. So I changed some of the specifics and used it for you. Sure. Well, I appreciate you leaving out, you didn't say I was the announcer for the Joey Bishop show because that would have just been exclusive to Regis. Yeah. So it's interesting. I'm just thinking about that now as a, as an intro for Regis. I didn't know that Regis had a podcast. Was he that guy who was trying to find Richard Simmons? Remember that? No, he's the guy who convinced Elon Musk to use marijuana.

Oh, right. Yeah. Remember that Richard Simmons thing? Boy, that was a fun chapter in podcasting history when somebody who chose to just not be in the public eye anymore now had some sort of responsibility to just appear because a podcaster thought it was a good idea. Yeah, I liked the roller coaster that went along with that. I mean, I certainly listened to the first couple episodes of it and was like, hey, this is a lot of fun. It's a great mystery. Richard Simmons, clearly an amazing public figure. And it was kind of this like slowly realizing that maybe it was a bad thing. It was kind of just this like, yeah, oh no. And then, and that kind of realization that, whoops, this, we've fucked up. Yeah. Like you picture that guy finding out where Richard

Simmons is before he's ready for him to come out and like putting like a rag with chloroform on it and then like tying him up in a janitor's closet until he's ready for Richard Simmons to reappear right just keeping him out of the spotlight until episode six you're gonna do a Casper mattress ad with me yeah pick the meal you want what do you want vegetarian family what do you want just pick the meal and talk about how easy it is to cook this and don't talk about how everything happens everything is made of chickpeas don't talk about that either i had a i had something i wanted to ask the two of you guys sure we're here for you for you, buddy. You guys, I'm, Tom, I've talked about this recently on the show that I am new to, I'm new to the gram, the Instagram. I just, I just joined a couple of weeks ago, having a lot of fun there

on the gram. But something I always, I had always heard about was how kind of like creepy the algorithmic ad system is. Like that the ad you see on Instagram is always something that was, you know, kind of like creepily pulled out of, you know, your search history or your conversations or something like that. I am curious as to what Instagram ads you guys see when you browse the gram. Well, that's an interesting question, Jordan. I will say this. I clearly instagram knows the score with me because the ads are for halloween masks or donuts it seems to be pretty much they are just like you want to go to donut hut in burbank and it's like i'm getting actively solicited by donut hut in

burbank to finally where i'm just like i guess i'm guess I'm going to Donut Hut. And then I go and I'm just like, yeah, Donut Hut's pretty awesome. I see why they were pushing it on me. They knew who I wanted, that I would love it. And I'm just like, yeah, it's great. And the Halloween masks, I saw this mask, this like old man mask that was so realistic. And I was like, well, well this is this is just the next level in halloween masks this is like the mask in in the movie good time when they rob the bank where it looks like real life like that we're just like it looks like a real person i'm just like well first of all this is horrifying that these are now 30 masks that look like real humans are $30. It's like an analog deep fake kind of thing that we're going to have people running around with old man masks on.

So I order one and then it doesn't show up. Like I ordered it in like late August and then I wrote them like a couple weeks before Halloween. I'm just like, hey, is this mask going to show up anytime soon? And it's just like, oh, well, let's, we'll check it out. And then they, then they wrote back. They're just like, is this mask gonna show up anytime soon and just like oh well what's we'll check it out and then they then they wrote back they're just like uh yeah it's on the way and then this mask shows up and when it showed up in like you ever see like those when people send something priority and they just throw it in one of those priority bags and just tape around the bag like like they just like squeeze the bag as tightly around whatever they're shipping

and then just run tape around it over and over and over like when it showed up like that i was like i'm gonna say this mask doesn't look like the what they had advertised on the thing i'm gonna bet it's a lower quality than what they were pushing. And then it wasn't. It was perfectly fine old man mask, but not particularly convincing. And then I started reading about it online and people were just like, yeah, this company is a total fraud. That mask costs about $3,000 that they use in their advertising. Those are like Hollywood grade masks that they're showing people putting on.

And there's no way for them to humanly sell one of those for $30. So now I have this perfectly fine old man mask. And I put it on when I go to Donut Hut. And they're into it there. Yeah. I bet the first time they thought maybe you were going to rob them. Yeah. No, the first time they were a little wary. to rob them, but. Yeah. No, the first time they were, they were a little wary.

And I said, look, I'm wearing a mask. Everybody's supposed to be wearing a mask now. Huh? Ha ha ha. And then they didn't laugh. Yeah. Tom, are you, are you a big Halloween guy? Not big, big.

I like Halloween just fine. It's not my favorite holiday, I guess. It's, uh, I'm pro Halloween, but I also don't go all the way in like the way some people do. And I think maybe I'm a little jealous of those people because they seem to be a little more comfortable in their own skin, maybe. Or in a costume, the opposite of being comfortable in their own skin. That's true. They are comfortable being uncomfortable in someone else's skin. Costumes are often uncomfortable. Yes. Have you, have the two of you worn a significant number of costumes as an adult? Yeah, I guess in my 20s, I did a lot of like sketch comedy.

So I had like a little, you know, costume trunk that I toted around from bad apartment to bad apartment. And, you know, it had, had your kind of like your sketch comedy, you know, basics in there, a couple of mustaches, a couple of beards, monocle. Rubber chicken. Yeah, rubber chicken. Yeah, of course. You know, rainbow suspenders, piano key tie, you know, comedy stuff. Watermelon sledgehammer.

Right. And then I think when I got my cat one of the first things she did when i brought her home was to piss in the costume trunk she's like you do long form improv now right you do storytelling get your ass to the moth, motherfucker. Everything's got to have a fucking lesson. Right. Rope it all in. It's like stand up without all the hard jokes. But I did kind of take that as a sign like, oh, maybe maybe it's time to wrap it up with the fucking sketch comedy shows at midnight on a Thursday for eight people. So, yeah, I think I did. I think I did kind of retire from Sketch

a little bit after that. What about you, Tom? What's your costume history? You do any adult costuming? Well, I've worn costumes as an adult. I've never gotten, I don't think I've gotten insanely elaborate. I was last Halloween, like a shitty Grimace costume where I just- From McDonald's? Yeah, like purple shit smeared on my face. And then like a purple Moomoo. How did you get real Grimace shit to smear on your face? Well, you just have to go to the back of the McDonald's and just go.

And when they're changing shifts, you just... Because then they're usually throwing the garbage out. So you just uh because then they're they're usually throwing the garbage out so you just got to catch them before they put it in the dumpster it is kind of like too if i don't know as a kid i don't know if you ever like asked the guy who worked at the video store if you could have the posters after they were done i was always scared to do that i would do it at record stores when i shopped at certain record stores enough they they would eventually start to be like do you want this poster of uh i don't even know who would be of back fine young cannibals dinosaur jr can i guess frankie goes to hollywood poster more like frankie goes to hollywood frankie goes to hollywood you want this poster of thompson twins i'd be like yes please

yeah one time for halloween i do remember the scariest costume I wore was during the height of the post 9-11 era. If you remember that everybody had these like dumb ribbon magnets that they were putting on their cars. Do you remember those? Yeah. And there was a different color for everything. Similar to the silicon wristbands.

Oh, yeah. Yes. And it would be like a yellow ribbon because i guess it was based on tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree and so they have these ribbons and it's supposed to be like you support the troops and i went to this halloween party at the stone pony in new jersey in asbury park new jersey there was a big halloween party night thing and i was like well i'm gonna go as ribbon man naturally so i took two of those magnetic ribbons and kind of fastened them together at the the top point of both and fashioned like a robin style mask out of

it cutting eye holes out between the loop of the ribbon and i put on just yellow like dish gloves like just the rubber gloves that match the ribbon and then like i wore that in and then was so scared within 45 seconds i'm just like oh i'm gonna get beat up like nobody thinks this is even remotely funny like i think they think i'm responsible for 9-11. And I was just so terrified. I threw the costume out in the bathroom and went costumeless. Wow. I think my greatest Halloween fear is having to put together a costume. And it's not because I'm opposed to costumes. It's because I don't have the courage or the security within myself to wear a shitty costume. I don't have the inclination or the resources to buy a fancy costume. And I don't have the skills to make a good costume.

Like to make something, a project of making things is my worst nightmare. I've never been able, like a diorama made me just, I would just hear the word diorama in school and start crying. and a Halloween costume requires skills in a way that I'm not, I can't back up. I don't have that to offer, but I also feel like I'm above just buying something at the costume store, to be clear. Sure. clear sure well with do you you with your family is there ever a unified theme that runs through what everybody wants to be and then you can be one aspect of that theme oh right yes could do a ghostbusters and you could be slimer jesse the kind of leadership that's required to get my family on the same page is not, I mean, it really would take, it's like, it's, it's like pushing forward a two state solution. Okay. It's something that

requires a level of statesmanship that I, to this point, everyone thinks they can do that. But to this point, I have not been able to achieve it. I mean, the thing about children and Halloween is they don't have a costume idea. They have a series of seven costume ideas. And so you have to like, wait until your moment, you know, like wait when the double points duck is just in the right place in the shooting gallery and pop it. You know what I mean? Like you have to wait for that eighth costume idea and you can see in their eyes that they're running out of steam and they're not going to fight it when you put together that costume. And then they have their ninth idea because they're, they're already gassed. Sure. Sure.

But to get everyone together is, is it hopeless? Tom is, was your Grimace part of a larger McDonaldland group costume? Like, were there Fry Guys and Bertie and stuff? No. My friend Julia was dressed as Ronald McDonald, and she was wearing, like, a red wig. It was a very slapdash evening of costumes. It was a very slapdash evening of costumes, kind of just like you're just throwing the stuff on your head and being like, yeah, okay, here we go. That's enough for this.

This will allow entry into the party. Sure. Well, I have a question for you two as childless men. Jesse, I have my yadro figurines so i would appreciate you not referring to me as childless i have violin boy i have shepherd girl jordan talk to me when when you get a son i gotta get a son how do you two feel about a group of children that belong to a mother and father and the mother and father and they're going around on Halloween and the mother and father are wearing their own costumes that don't have anything to do with the children's costumes? Yeah, I think it's fun.

I don't see anything wrong with it. I think we're leading to some sort of conclusion where you're mad at it. Yeah. Yeah. Writing was on the wall with this one, Jesse. Yeah. No, I'm not mad at it. You're leading us to calling Halloween adults dumb, I think.

No, I sincerely want to know because what I'm mad at 100% is my own shame. I'm not mad at these people i'm mad at myself for not having the the moral strength the emotional strength to generate a costume idea then put the pieces together then wear it in public it's too many things. Jesse, you have no problem throwing on a cravat. I'm wearing a costume every day. There's no doubt about that. I'm just saying we all, I'm just saying we all, that was a leap for you to get a leap of confidence to say like, I'm wearing this.

I'm confident in this. This is who I am. And this is how I'm presenting this, I'm confident in this, this is who I am, and this is how I'm presenting myself to the world, that is its own courageous leap to change your style and to upgrade your style. This is just a variation off of that. You have it in you. A parent in a Halloween costume, do you think they have one that they wear every year? Or do you think they change it every year and keep it topical? think they have one that they wear every year you think they change it every year and keep it topical yeah i think that there's definitely like a rain a variety of different kinds of halloween adults

you know and yeah and i do i do kind of i think i know what maybe grind your gears a little bit when you know the family costume is clearly for the parents and not the kids like when the kids are like ruth bader ginsburg or something like this five-year-old doesn't know who ruth bader ginsburg yeah dad just wanted to be sonia sotomayor sure yeah they have a whole supreme court uh they have a supreme court theme mom's sexy alito i saw a bunch of kids dressed as like prime era hulk hogan and macho man randy savage and these were like seven year olds. And it's like, it's clearly their father is one of these wrestling guys who was just like, gets the kids all like, and now you're doing the thing and it's your choice.

And the kids are like, yeah, I'm like, they're clearly just trying to please old Papa there with that costume. And then he's just like, no, they wanted to be, they wanted to be macho man. Randy Savage is like, no, they didn't. And I do not I do not buy for a second that any child likes Star Wars. Like when you see a kid like when you see someone put, you know, who dress their kid up as well, I mean, maybe kids like Chewbacca. But when you see like a kid dressed up as like Padme or something, I'm like, this kid doesn't know that you just did this, dad. Yeah. I don't know. I saw a lot of kids dressed up as that guy that sort of like dances by Jabba the

Hutt and he's got pointy ears. You know the guy I'm talking about? Salacious Crumb. Yeah, that guy. Kids love Salacious Crumb. No, I do not think modern children like Star Wars. That's a theory that I have i think they like star wars by way of legos and yeah no that's the animated things that are on like that's their star wars a lot of that like crappy cg clone wars cartoons clone wars and stuff like that like to them they're just like i like that like what's his old garbage yeah yeah i mean i i feel that way about the ewoks tv movies that's 100 would define star wars for me as a five-year-old fucking loved that shit one of them was super fast that's all i

really remember about it oh yeah that was a goodok. Maybe somebody told me that that wasn't an Ewok. That was like a related to an Ewok, but not an Ewok. I don't know. But I got to say my home has undergone, I mean, you made this bold claim, Jordan, but in the last two weeks, my home has got undergone a Star Wars revolution. Oh, wow. Okay. No, I'm happy to be, I'm happy to be proven wrong on this, on this theory. There was no interest in Star Wars in my family, no particular interest. And I was kind of like, I mean, Tom, you may not know this, Jordan certainly does, but I'm a medium Star Wars guy. I do like Star Wars, but I figured, you know, some people, some parents who are into Star Wars will like start feeding it to their kids at

three or four. I'm talking here about our friend Elliot Kalin in between Marx Brothers movies. But for me, I was like, one day we will... There's no doubt that they will watch Star Wars at some point because you're obliged to as an American. And so I don't need to make it happen now. And also like, you know, Star Wars is great if you have the kind of moral understanding that helps you understand that actually not everyone in the world is either good or evil and wears a color-coded outfit and solves their problems successfully through violence, right? Like, that's something that maybe a 12-year-old understands better than a six-year-old.

But what happened is my neighbor, I have these really friendly neighbors who moved in maybe a year ago, and there's just the loveliest. And we've, because we are alone in our house for quarantine, and we only have one set of neighbors, our other neighbor on the other side of our house is someone's backyard. So we only have this one neighbor, basically. We've kind of grown friendly with them. You know, like if we bake something, they get some of it. They were dropping off bread during the sourdough days of the quarantine, so on and so forth. All friendly hellos in the front yard when they're doing some yard work. It's great. It's great to have such nice neighbors. And one of them

works for Disney and dropped off some plush Star Wars characters that she had gotten through her work, just had an excess of these Star Wars characters. And within two days, my children had transformed into exclusively playing Star Wars games, exclusively wanting to watch Star Wars shit. The main interesting part about it was my daughter has only watched the new Star Wars movies, starting with episode one. She's watched one through three and seven through nine. And my son, Oscar has only watched four and five. And his only interest is for me to tell him the names of different guys. He'll be like, tell me the name of another guy. And as I proved with Salacious Crumb, I've forgotten the names of the different guys. Like I know Chewbacca's name, but I forget the names of the other guys.

Whereas my daughter, her interest is almost exclusively driven by Jar Jar Binks. And she hated the second and third prequels because there wasn't enough Jar Jar Binks. Yeah. It's something for everybody yeah i think that is something that guys our age who like were mad at the prequels upon release don't get is that like nope kids love that kids love it and it's very easy to forget how awful a character like c-3PO is that that is maybe the worst character in all of fiction. He complains. He messes everything up. He's a little he's a whiny snitch.

He's a little backstabber. And he's got this friend who bloops and bleeps their way through life and also fixes everything. R2-D2 is constantly saving the day from C-3PO's moronic ways. And that's what I grew up with was C-3PO, the most annoying character ever. Jar Jar Binks is slightly less annoying than C-3PO, really, if you look closely. Well, yeah. and i think through bumbling jar jar helps things his bumbling yes is like accidentally helpful yeah they crash on that planet and then c-3po is like no i'm going what you got your thing your message i don't care what

it is i'm going this way he does he does do that what a. He's a jerk. And I think, and going back to the Ewoks, I think that the opinionated pop culture dudes of the 80s were very mad at Ewoks. Whereas as a kid, I wanted to see nothing other than Ewoks. I only wanted Ewoks. And learning later on that there is a class of Star Wars dude who thinks that Ewoks ruin star wars that to me was was so shocking i'm like what do you not like about the best things ever but um but there you go i just didn't like how i thought they looked lousy that's the only thing i was against no tom i was just like shut your mouth shut your lying mouth they look amazing i was just kind of like as in this franchise even as a child i was just like this thing's made a lot of money they couldn't have sunk some of it into this yeah i think to the extent that they're lousy it's only because if they weren't lousy they wouldn't be able to enact their social ritual of picking the louses off of each other and eating them to reinforce their bond well that's true yes

and when when i got into like working on television shows later and then suddenly you're just like on a show that's working and then everybody's like on the network side it's like guys this is the greatest we're going into season four on this we got a hit on our hands and can we do it for 10 less money this? Because we'd like to start cutting the budget so we could make a whole lot of money. They're like, oh, that's how, that was the Ewok approach. Somebody was just kind of like, ah, they'll see it. Doesn't matter.

Just film anything. If it says Star Wars on it, these losers are going to go see it. Just film anything. It really, there is something to that. I had watched, I mean, the prequels, the first prequel came out when I was a teenager and I was probably at my most interested in Star Wars. I was super pumped about it. I went to see it and it stunk and I didn't watch number two and three. Like there's, it's not completely entirely without merit. Like

for me, one of the big appeals of Star Wars has always been seeing different spaceships and aliens. Like I feel like it has the best spaceships and the best aliens. I just like, I'll watch the Mandalorian. I'll just be like, oh, look at that guy. Oh, look at that guy. That guy's got a, that guy's got a crazy squid head. And I love it, you know, every, every time. And there was some of that stuff in that Star Wars number one, but it, you know, every time. And there was some of that stuff in that Star Wars number one. But, you know, in general, it was just kind of boring. And I had not really given much thought to any of those prequels since then, you know, in the 20 years since. But my daughter wanted to watch Revenge of the Sith and the third one. And I was like,

well, that was the one that people said was okay. Like that was supposed to be like the Sith and the third one. And I was like, well, that was the one that people said was okay. Like that was supposed to be like the two and a half star one and I've never seen it and I should watch it. And I couldn't, I watched about 20 minutes of it and could not make it past that. I was so stunned. I was absolutely like the amount of bad it was really truly blew my mind. The amount of bad it was really truly blew my mind. Some of the people, like, I felt like they didn't know they were in a movie. And some of them were like good actors. I know this is a 20-year-old take and it has no controversial elements, but I was... I think you'll be surprised, Jesse.

Just check your mentions when this comes out. I think you'll be surprised jesse just check your mentions when this comes out i think you'll be surprised it's mike mitchell gonna come at me just wait r.i.p your mentions i said i like d walks too so i might i might get it from some end so it's okay i fucking love you. We both suffer through... Yeah, I think that's the thing about the Star Wars fandom is that there's just so many factions who believe so many different things passionately. And, you know, you never know which one you're talking to. You know, it's like, is this a, the prequels were great guy? Is this a, Rey was too powerful, too quick guy? You know, it's like you never know.

It's just kind of like when Star Wars comes up in conversation. And, you know, and I think because we are who we are, it does often. You just kind of have to try and suss out the opinion that the person has who you're talking to and try and get out of there without anybody raising their voice. Or you just bring the fuck C-3PO heat like Tom just did. Yeah. Yeah. Golden asshole asshole nobody's ready for that one when i drop that on them honestly tom i thought it was new when you said it i'm like

this is new it's the worst character the only this is i'll even go further the only two good characters this whole thing don't speak you have one that bloops and bleeps and one that roars. Oh, Chewbacca, sure. Those are the two best characters in all of Star Wars don't speak words. Yeah. I would like to go back to Instagram ads for a second, but I do want to ask Tom what your order is at the Donut Hut in Burbank. Well, based on my order today there. Oh, sure.

I don't know if you have a usual or if you try and mix it up. I do try to mix it up, but there's a couple classic standbys that i can't uh resist an old-fashioned yeah yeah smart that crumbly donut that's like the kind of donut you age into you realize i'm at the old-fashioned point of my life where I'll get this dry, crunchy, crumbly, poorly shaped donut. Just like, it's just like suddenly it's like, man, that donut makes sense now. I think that's something that you start ordering at the same time as you start, as Jordan identified, reading the newspaper at a diner during breakfast. Yeah. Get yourself a nice, uh nice bottomless coffee, old-fashioned donut,

read a hard copy newspaper, wear a dirty Yankees hat. Oof. We just did an episode of Double Threat. We recorded yesterday, and it's our new holiday tradition since the show is new, and it's basically Threatsgiving is the holiday, since the show is new and it's a, it's basically threats giving is the holiday. And we did a show that is an all,

basically it's a tribute to McDonald's. The show ended up being a tribute. Cause like if Thanksgiving's a holiday that you spend with your friends and your family sitting together, threats giving is a holiday you spend at a McDonald's drive through alone. And then you eat the food on your lap in in the parking lot and then we were talking about the mcdonald's characters and we realized we're trying to figure who would play who we're trying to cast a mcdonaldland movie from it and the one thing we came away with is adam driver definitely would be ronald mcdonald there's no he'd be the best ronald mcdonald great cast but then we were

we were like then the idea of joe biden came up and I was like well what if he we had a new character and it would be the old man at McDonald's reading like nursing that cup of coffee and reading USA Today for four hours at every McDonald's every morning you go anytime you go into a McDonald's in the morning, there's like four or five old timers sitting around still working that one cup of coffee in the newspaper. Yeah. Maybe like a van dropped them off there. From a local park. Yeah.

But could you see yourself? Could you see yourself going that far, Jordan, and being the guy sitting at a McDonald's? Honestly, Tom, yes, I do. I do. I see that for me in my future. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'll get a nice windbreaker, and I'll wear hard-soled shoes every day. I'll just go in there.

Kind of shuffle back up to the counter for a refill on the coffee. You can start walking with your hands clasped behind your back. Right. Yes. I, when you said Threatsgiving, Tom, what I immediately thought of was the donut store of my youth. And like right now, if I want donuts, I go to this donut place by my house that was owned by one unspeakably kind immigrant family who then sold it. And I was like, oh no, that was the nicest store in my entire neighborhood.

Sold it to somehow a new family that's even nicer, who cleaned it up. Wow. And donuts make me a little sick to my stomach. They taste great, but they're like the one thing that breaks my iron stomach. And so I try not to eat them too much. But every time I go, I'm like in love with every single person that works there because they're all so sincerely friendly and nice. But when I was a kid, the donut store by my house was on Mission Street in San Francisco, and it was a 24-hour place.

in San Francisco and it was a 24 hour place. And so it was just full of gangsters and junkies all the time. Just a really genuinely scary place to go to. And I've like, donuts are forever, or for me, forever tainted by my discomfort at like just truly scary people populating the donut store because it never closed. Sure. So in your mind, you bite into a donut and you get some weird associations that you're going to get stabbed with a hypodermic needle or something. Is that like the way when you go in a pool and you think a shark might be in there just because it's water?

Just like a twitchy guy i like associate it with like a twitchy guy in a polyester like a flashy polyester 70s suit but it's 1986 there's always like someone there playing dominoes by themselves and i'm like i don't think i know how to play dominoes but i also don't think you can play it by yourself. Yeah. Or just like, or just like a guy in gorilla cut Ben Davis's and with like a face tattoo and just like a little bit of blood on his hand. Well, I feel like you need to start for, for your donut experience, you need to start going to Danny Trejo's donut place in Los Angeles. Because he lived a pretty rough life at one point. He was in prison, I believe, right?

Is that his story? Yeah, I think Danny Trejo's lived. Yeah, and now he owns a donut shop that a lot of people like. They have a good, they have a pineapple fritter. I'm a big apple fritter guy, and I was a good, they have a pineapple fritter. I'm a big apple fritter guy, and I was excited to try a new kind of fritter. And I think that's like their signature fritter. Ooh, boy, it's good. Fucking Trejo. Trejo can innovate in the fritter space. Jordan, you're just, you're going into a donut store ordering yourself a fritter.

Yeah, sometimes if I, you know, if I've been good and I get a treat, yeah. What about a bear claw? Bear claw's good. I like a bear claw. My number one donut has been for a long time and probably always will be the fritter. But yeah, I mean, I don't know. There's not a bad donut. Again, freezing cold take, but all donuts are good all the time. I got to say, I think there might be a bad donut. Okay, let's hear hear it that is any donut that's baked instead of fried for sure yes fry the donut yes the the faux nut class of donut yeah but you know i don't i don't know if that's technically a donut but like the kind of even like like the kind of donut it is a real type of donut but like the kind of donut like the powder sugar donut you get at

the church social after services you know like the dude that comes in a big bag those i mean i'm not no that's good nope that's good those are good okay it's good stuff i gotta say like when i go into a donut store i just want a raised glazed i'm just like just give me a stand this most standard donut there is. And I haven't been able to beat it. I've stretched out into buttermilk bar recently, speaking of old fashions and weirdly crunchy donuts. But mostly I just want donut. I get it completely.

Jesse, picture. I want to just get a little insight into your brain working now. Picture this. Okay. It's Jesse Thorne having a bad day. Yeah. Bad day. Sure. a little insight into your into what your brain working now picture this okay it's jesse thorn having a bad day yeah bad day sure he finds himself walking into a convenience store whether it's a chain or a independent right one and you're just like i can't take it i need something i just need something what would you reach for wow that's a tough question. Candy bar, weird row of chocolate covered donuts, the little mini donut sleeve.

Do you buy a box of golden Oreos, like a sleeve of weird vanilla, those gold Oreos? An untoasted Pop-Tart? Man, you know, I was in the liquor store by my house the other day. Yeah, the liquor store is perfect for this too. Like a liquor store that also has trash in it. Yeah, I was in this, I was in the liquor store by my house the other day and at the counter, they had sleeves of Oreos, but from a big box of Oreos. Not like, like I know that you can buy a long skinny box of Oreos.

This was just someone bought a Costco Oreos and took the sleeves out and piled them on the counter. And I cannot tell you I was not tempted to buy that. Yeah, that is a like, there's a class of grocery store that sells things that are discreet. They're like explicitly labeled not for individual resale and just sells them. I support it. And then if you go to Costco and you see those are the people that always have like the flat, they don't have a shopping cart. They go get the flat roller around and you notice

when they have that and it's covered in like granola bar boxes and you're just like, no one actually, no home wants this much granola in it. You're stocking your, the shelves. I would, Tom, I think in all sincerity, I think what I would go for is an ice cream bar. If it was available, it would be a Nitzit, which is my favorite ice cream bar. But honestly, like a shitty ice cream sandwich, you know, like the equivalent, the ice cream sandwich equivalent of the giant translucent tub of ice cream that you buy at the grocery store. Yeah.

Or that, you know. And like some weird off-brand thing like Moo Cow. Or like red drink, you know, like the ice cream sandwich equivalent of the gallon jug of red drink that you can buy. Okay. That is still great to me. I love that. I would be thrilled to eat that at any time. But my preferred is an It's It. And I feel like a right kind of down the middle choices are more

my taste for ice cream bars than a fancy one. Like I would rather eat like a Butterfinger ice cream bar than eat like a Ghirardelli ice cream bar. Yeah. Now you being in the bay area you realize this Ghirardelli thing is a some strange pyramid scheme or something that no one wants that chocolate when they when they actually have it they're just like it's okay I guess but it's like gelt level chocolate sometimes like lousy Hanukkah and I'm not I'm not, but I've eaten enough Hanukkah gelt over the years because I'm a damned soul. I don't know what it is. I've eaten my fair share of Hanukkah gelt and you're just like, this is the lowest grade

chocolate I've ever had. But Ghirardelli is like hovering near that near gelt level. Well, I think when you live, when you grew up in a tourist trap, there are these things that are in the place you live that truly have, you know, like Fisherman's Wharf is famous for chowder in a bread bowl. Oh, oh yeah. Look, oh, they got the bread. It's in different shapes. Look, it's a UFO. It's a loaf of bread shaped like a UFO. And like, genuinely, Tom, I don't know that anyone I know has ever eaten that. Like literally ever.

Yeah. And I think Ghirardelli chocolate is right there with that. Sure. Maybe a little bit less than that. I mean, I think if you went to the grocery store in San Francisco or Lafayette or something, there probably is like Ghirardelli brand chocolate chips that are just, you know, in the baking section that are just like the extra $1.50, you know, $4 instead of $2.50 or whatever for a bag of chocolate chips. But it is not a brand that has any like emotional currency. Whereas. Sure.

You know, it's it is like foundational to my identity. Okay. Sure. Now, like, but like sees chocolate, I think is really good. Oh yeah. Like I like, I like a seize too. Yeah. Seize is good.

Which is for people here in Los Angeles. They're just like, I like a seize too. Yeah. Seize is good. Which is for people here in Los Angeles. They're just like, yeah, seize is the chocolate here. And it's just like, yeah, you guys got a good chocolate going on in your backyard. But then Ghirardelli just feels like, it's like that gross Chicago pizza that you talk to people from Chicago and they're just like, yeah, I'll have that like once a year, maybe like that poofy. It's like a cake that has cheese and sauce on top of it. Like it's like so thick and it's, it's good to eat, but it's also, you feel gross as you're eating it. That could not be what is considered pizza in any city.

And also here's another San Francisco question after the earthquake. Yeah. That's when the, that's when the seals showed up right the the not the seals the sea lions that bark on a pier somewhere yeah they're out at the do you remember as a as a child no because that was a shift that happened in the late 80s they were never there and then they showed up after the earthquake do you think they came after the earthquake or do you think they came after star trek 4 i'm gonna say they came after the earthquake do you think they came after the earthquake or do you think they came after star trek 4 i'm gonna say they came after the earthquake okay yeah if i was gonna associate one signature unusual animal with san francisco in my childhood it would be that in golden gate

park there is a herd of buffalo for no reason okay and it is like it has been there since like 1875 or something this herd of buffalo in golden gate park and like that to me seems very important whereas the seals you know the seals i think is a is a fisherman's wharf type deal like it's a truly i've never i've never been there like i'm grateful for i think as a as a san franciscan you're like well i'm grateful for the tax revenue but as a tourist i loved it i every time i would go to san francisco i'd go down there because when do you ever see just like a wharf overrun by hundreds of sea lions it's the craziest thing imaginable just like yeah the boats were here. Then all these sea lions showed up and we had to move the boats. Between that and these water, what is it? Water buffalo?

It's like Jumanji in San Francisco. And Robin Williams. San Francisco might be the Jumanji-est city on Earth. That's actually, we have that on our flag. The Jumanjius City on Earth. Yeah. Tom, I'm curious about your answer to the question you asked Jesse about, you know, you're having a shit day and you go into a, you know, convenience store with, you know,

convenience store things. What do you get? Well, that's a great question, Jordan. And as somebody, I think I experienced this about two times a week. I'll go to, like, if I'm at a 7-Eleven, say I'll roam the aisles and I'll be just like, not getting these cold Pop-Tarts. That's disgusting. Weird.

Can be in a parking lot eating an unheated strawberry Pop-Tart. No. Then they have those sleeves of the donuts which always look gross and then there's some like blueberry cream pastry that looks disgusting i'll usually go for a uh either a bottle of water or a diet dr pepper depending on how low i am and a candy bar. I'll get like a, like I got a whatchamacallit the other day. Boy, I sound so unhealthy on this. I'm talking about regular visits to donut shops, candy bars. Dressing up as Grimace. Dressed up like Grimace.

Dressing up as Grimace. Tom, I think the story that I most associate with you in my heart, when I think of Tom Sharpe, I mean, sure. I think of the pleasant times we've spent together in real life. You know, I think of when I was working downtown in San Francisco and you invited my wife and I to stop by the set of Monk when Monk was shooting location shots. I think of these fond thoughts. But the story that you've told that I think about the most is on september 11th eating an entire trader joe's pumpkin pie in the parking lot of trader joe's well it was a

cheesecake it was a september 12th and it was a cheesecake it was the day after that story jesse i lived with the consequences of 9-11 for 24 hours and then went to Trader Joe's, got the cheesecake and just started eating it in the parking lot. Wow. That was a pretty. Yeah, I knocked back a whole cheesecake in the parking lot. How was it? That was pretty good. Trader Joe's.

You know, I don't like cheesecake. Cheesecake is great. I don't like pumpkin pie either. I like pumpkin pie. Apple pie. Flowerless cake. You like a flowerless chocolate cake, Jesse? I love chocolate cake.

I can't really eat that much chocolate because it's a migraine trigger for me, but I love both flowerless and floured chocolate cake. I think a chocolate cake is great. I think with this migraine trigger, it sounds like somebody just has to push through. That sounds like a... Yeah, I don't want to have heart. That's what I'm missing, Tom.

It sounds like a pre-Fontaine situation here. You need to just push. All along. That headache shows up. That's when you eat twice as much. This whole time, doctors have been telling me there's something wrong with my head, but actually there's something wrong with my heart it's too big yeah do you think you could

probably just get it out of your system literally it's too big it's enlarged you know one crazy night of migraine trigger binges like if like sort of like when your dad catches you smoking and makes you smoke the whole pack exactly yes can you can you donald duck this problem they just stay up late and drink a bunch of sodas yeah have a bunch of chocolate eat some raw onions and garlic i think you can do it i believe i love could you change the barometric pressure a lot yeah i'm into it let's do it fucking Fucking bacchanalia. I believe in you. It'll be one horrible night and then, you know, I think you'll come out of it stronger.

Let's take a quick break so I can do all those things. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la of maximum fun.org and to you we doff our caps can you hear it we're doffing doff doff doff doff oh you did a quadruple doff oh four doffs that's how much i respect the donors or is that a jaws doff doff doff doff doff doff doff we're also this week that's a psycho doff we're also this week supported by our friends at manscaped yes which is a company that makes products to care for your balls and your nose and your hair yeah uh manscaped one of ouraves, some fine products that I think would make a great holiday gift. Yeah. Is there someone in your life with excess nose or ear hair? Or gross balls. Yeah. I was going to say, send them a passive aggressive message,

but let's be honest, send them an aggressive, aggressive message. Manscaped has a new performance package. in this new package is the weed whacker ear and nose hair trimmer i had one in my nose this morning it was great it's waterproof and uses a 9 000 rpm motor powered 360 degree rotary dual blade system wow so fucking sick of bullshit nose hair trimmers with 270 degree rotary dual blade systems well not to mention 8 000 rpms makes me fucking sick gross i can't believe someone would stick that inferior shit up their nose i gotta tell you jordan my very long time jordan jesse go listeners will know about my love affair with my former barber, Jerry. And Jerry didn't just have those vibrating hand machines that he would give you a neck rub with.

He also would always take care of my nose and ear hair. And so I knew that as long as I had Jerry, I didn't have to worry about having unsightly growths. But then Jerry retired. Jerry retired. So then I had to worry about my own unsightly growths because the reality is that once you're over 22 years old, it becomes this problem suddenly, you realize. And the weed whacker just gets right in there. It's comfortable. And I was just, you know, I just go... It's a great pleasure. It's a great pleasure to do it this way. You can get two free gifts, Manscaped boxers and the Shed travel bag if you get the performance

package right now. Not only does the performance package include the Weed Whacker, it also includes the Lawn Mower 3.0 trimmer, the best trimmer on the market for your balls, butt, and body, the three Bs. You know what I found myself doing? What? I'll start with an initial trim as I stand in the shower, but I am not yet in the water. Nice, nice, nice. Then this thing is waterproof, so I'll go into the shower and clean it up a little bit. It's great. Manscaped products,

very fun to use. And it leaves me feeling like I have a performance package because of the reduced drag. Yeah, really, yeah, really, really, really give those three Bs the TLC they deserve. And hey, get those free gifts, the boxers and the shed travel bag. Here's what you do. Oh, hey, Jesse, it's not just the two free gifts. If you use our URL, you get 20% off and free shipping. Use the code JJGO at manscaped.com. 20% off, free shipping, manscaped.com, code JJ go what are you waiting for go whack your weeds and make Santa proud that's in their copy and I'm I'm all for it go whack your

weeds and make Santa proud yeah Santa doesn't want to suck a hairy dick no we're assuming you're having some sort of sexual relationship with Santa here. That's fine with us.

A dangerous liaison. Yeah. We're also supported this week by our friends at Fortunato Chocolate. I just got a package of this Fortunato Chocolate in the mail. Me too, Jesse. The kindest note from Fortunato, they're Jordan Jesse Go fans over there. That's why they're advertising on our show. And the chocolate is absolutely gorgeous.

It is spectacular. Jordan, you know that this is a migraine trigger for me. So I was rolling the dice, but I took a nibble. And? This is nice stuff. This is the real deal. This is basically the deal. The real deal. This is basically the deal.

This guy, he loves Jordan Jessica, spent years in Peru building fair relationships with chocolate growers. It's a family company. They have 400 farmers that they are taking care of through this business. They're being fair, treating these farmers right. And they're making beautiful chocolate in so doing. It's chocolate that for a long time was being sold directly to fancy restaurants, chocolatiers, pastry chefs. We're talking Michelin stars here, Jordan. One, two, three stars.

We don't know exactly how many stars, but that's the scale they use there. I think if you get one, you're doing all right. And now they are selling directly to the public this is exciting news yeah they have milk chocolate 36 they got dark milk 47 and they got dark 68 and they come in big ass one pound bars 1.1 pounds is what you get in a bar because it's you know you're just getting the good stuff this is the fucking good stuff if you have a stocking this year that doesn't have one of these fucking bars of the good stuff you're blowing your life yeah what are you doing it's never gonna suck your dick now it's like a pretty pathetic stocking if you ask me uh yeah this stuff is is genuinely

delicious a perfect gift if you gotta if you got a chocolate head on your list. And yeah, and you're supporting a socially conscious business that is run by Jordan Jesse Go fans. And can I say this, Jordan? That's great. You may. Just ask Santa Claus. Get one for yourself and ask Santa Claus.

He'll tell you. Sometimes daddy just wants a nibble. Sometimes daddy wants a nibble. Make Santa proud. You can go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. That's podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. And remember, you can get some for yourself. Sometimes daddy just wants a nibble. Sometimes daddy wants a nibble. Nibble it up. You've been good this year. It's been a tough year. Daddy deserves a nibble. We're not going to tell. this year it's been a tough year daddy deserves a nibble

we're not gonna tell we're not gonna tell if you're nibbling just have a little nibble of a nib a little nibble have a nib nibble nibble okay we'll be back podcastchocolate.com slash jj go we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Tom Sharpling, bubbly quality inspector. Oh, how's the quality on that bubbly? I presume you're consuming. It's always good. You've stumbled into one of Jordan Jesse Go's go-to convo topics is uh different seltzer brands you're a bubbly man too deep into bubbly before jordan no i call it bubly but uh you know i'm a huge

yeah look i grew up in uh new jersey with vintage was the the go-to brand for the tri-state area and that was some strong stuff that's the stuff where it burns and you're just like oh oh and you're like oh it's good from the power of the bubbles oh yeah it's just oh it's so over carbonated yeah i have yet to find one that is as intense as that he's fucking sorry sorry to go off on gen z here but these fucking snowflakes yeah with their undercarbonated seltzers call the whambulance i can't handle the bubbles yeah what do you want a fucking trophy for drinking a seltzer yeah participation trophy they all do get trophies they all do get trophies everyone gets a trophy is that the weirdest this is the weirdest line of anger for

just like like why are you maybe gonna be a little more comfortable with things than i was not everybody's gonna feel like a loser or be overconfident yeah trophies are awesome i would love a trophy yeah yeah i would love a trophy. And then when you're like an adult, you just get thrown in a box. You're just like, I don't know what that was. I just, who knows? It's not like you're an adult holding onto the trophy still just being like, I'm special because I got this trophy when I was eight. That's right.

Second grade attendance record. Yeah. Who cares? That's right. Second grade attendance record. Yeah. Who cares? I felt pretty bad when I threw away my academic decathlon medals, like into the garbage. I'm like, these don't have any value to anyone else. And I mean, just, you know, another observation. Have you guys ever ridden in the Wambulance?

It's so comfortable. It's a nice way to get from hither to yon. It's just a beautiful, smooth ride. The driver in the Wambulance will turn on whatever music you want. It's just great. Jordan, I'm glad that you brought up getting from here to there, because recently on the program, we put out a call to our listeners who were delivery persons. It started out with mail carriers, but then we expanded it to your commercial delivery persons. Then we were like, well, we might as well, you know, if you're going to have your FedExes and your DHLs in there, we might as well throw wide the sash and let in all of the various guys in blue vests with unmarked vans delivering stuff for Amazon,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And Brian tells us that we have two and we ask them, what was the craziest shit that ever happened when you were delivering something? Now, Brian wanted to make it clear. Brian, you have a microphone there, so maybe you could just chime in very briefly. What was the main category of responses that we got? What would you say was the best represented grouping? People who ran into delivering something to someone who was having sex. A lot of sex stuff. Yeah. So yes, of course. Many people have delivered

things to someone who is having sex because people are having sex at their house is embarrassing it's gross but it's a lot of fun and uh so when somebody's delivering something and then maybe the person's having sex they answer the door with a boner or whatever that's great thank you to those people we acknowledge you we see you let's be jesse let's be inclusive they could also be uh answering the door with a dripping wet pussy thank you jordan thank you very much or a well-lubed butthole there's all kinds of sex actually support all of them maybe maybe they're embarrassing ways to answer the door have an armpit full of jelly i don't know i don't, he said knowingly. So we'll just acknowledge those as a category.

We're grateful. Look, if I was a delivery person and I delivered something to somebody having sex, I'd be pumped about it. You know what I mean? It's a lot of fun. You tell it to everybody back at the warehouse. It's great. We got two other calls this week, and let's take a listen to the first of them. Hi, Jordan and Betsy, and I'm not going to take a listen to the first of them hi jordan and jesse and i'm not going to guess a guess because that's just too hard um i am another male carrier who listens

to podcasts while i'm working and as a senior carrier in my office i think i started the trend because all the young people have their pieces in now, too. It's a physically demanding and somewhat rewarding job, but it's also mind-numbingly dull, so it's good to have something else to think about while you're doing it. And last week, a carrier talked about being slashed by some college students. Well, I was training a new carrier one day. We looked up in a window, and there was a sex show going on, although they didn't know it. They probably didn't think anyone was going to be walking through the yard.

So we always called that the pornography house, but it was live pornography, not the video kind. Also, momentos. Bye. Wait, so we only got one call that wasn't sex stuff? Because, Brian, there were two calls here. This fell in the category of sex. This was representing the sex calls.

Right. This was a, what is that? A synecdoche? Yeah. Where a piece stands in for the whole. Jordan, you were an English major. A metonymy. Yeah, it sounds about right. Yeah.

Might be metonymy. Okay. Well, I liked that guy. I'll say this. That guy seemed like a winner. I'd like to buy that guy a sandwich, you know? Yeah. You know that famous expression? Caller if you're there, let us know what kind of sandwich you like. That guy seemed like a winner I'd like to buy that guy a sandwich, you know? Yeah You know that famous expression?

If you're there, let us know what kind of sandwich you like What do you think? Salami on a sour roll? That might be too San Francisco You guys have sour rolls at sandwich stores? Sour rolls? What's that? A sourdough roll

Like a sourdough roll? Yeah, sure Oh, sourdough roll Dutch crunch Sourdough roll, sure Dutch crunch is a regional sandwich store bread, right? Dutch Crunch, no. Yeah, I've had it outside of San Francisco, but yeah, I think it's a local delicacy. All right, let's take another call now that we've discussed regional

breads. Sure. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. It's Alan from Vermont. I am a pickup and delivery driver for FedEx Freight. I pick up and deliver big freight shipments, pallets, and stuff like that. One time I was stuck at the top of a mountain in New Hampshire, and by the time they had gotten me unstuck, it had snowed four inches. So now I am at the top of a snowy mountain road with an almost empty truck and almost slid off the mountain on the way down. And well, long story short, I parked it right on that road, waited for a plow to go by, and lived to tell the tale. Get them, get them, get them. Love you guys.

My first thought there was that it's good to have an almost empty truck because you have a place to nap. Oh, yeah. But then I thought, if you have a full truck, how long do you think you could go with the contents of a full FedEx truck? Weeks. Yeah, I'm sure there's... Build an igloo? I'm sure there's- Build an igloo?

I'm sure there's edibles in there, things to eat. Yeah, I mean, I think you get right. I think you would want the truck to be as full as possible if you were trapped. I thought he was going to say, long story short, I died. This is my go-go-go-go ghost. I was like- Long story short, I used my one phone call from hell. It's nice that they give you a phone call.

Yeah, you get one phone call. One every thousand years, you get one call. Right. And thank you. And yeah, we really prioritized those. We really told Brian that like, hey, you know, if people are using their hell phone calls to call the podcast, definitely, definitely put them through first. Front of the queue.

Yeah. Front of the queue. All that work they do in hell. Can I just ask the work they do in hell when they're like shoveling? Is this a busy work going down on hell? Yeah. I think it's just busy work. I think hell has an infrastructure that the people there help keep up, you know? of like at summer camp you have like a you have like a cleanup job yeah but

it's like but when do they so they never make any gains where they're just like well we got rid of that lava kit like what's the what's the long purpose here in hell with all the work, like the grunt work that they're putting these doomed souls through? Right. People, like, maybe they tell them that they're building a library or something, but it just never seems to get done. Yeah, the community center never quite gels. Right, for the teens of hell. So the teens of hell have a place to go after school they're like sorry guys we're still waiting on the basketball nets he's supposed to come someday this is gonna be a

skateboard park right someday but it just seems like a lot of pretty loose lava yeah keep those hell teens off the streets brian do prioritize those hell calls because those come once every thousand years, but please stop running the heaven calls. The free nights and weekends there are killing us. We'll call in the same thing four times. I think as far as afterlifes go, our podcast probably only plays in hell. I don't know. I see us as more of a purgatory situation. Oh, well, let us know what strata of the afterlife are you listening to Jordan Jesse go in? I think you'd rather be hell than like a purgatory would feel just like,

like if you were in purgatory and suddenly you just heard like a lot of Max Fun shows on, and you'd be like, wait, is this where this network lives? Purgatory. Yeah, man. We're in hell with all the fucking rockers we're there with fucking hendrix and i don't know my jimmy hendrix is in hell tom you and i have only known each other 20 years so you should know now that i love to rock oh i know your love of rock is well established jesse you don't need to you don't need to uh justify your your your bona fides as far as your love of rock music you think you think rock music is like like i every time i hear somebody just go like i think that's what you think rock music is

right it's like you're just like that's the dumbest thing that's ever existed like when a teen had to be coded as annoying in an 80s movie and they would like improvise electric guitar yeah like like teen wolf's friend 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number you can email us a voice memo at jj go at maximum fun.org when something momentous happens to you or you so you have a particularly notable delivery we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go hey friends jesse here the founder of Maximum Fun, and I have some really great news to share with you. This year has brought a lot of changes for all of us. And one tradition that we were grateful to be able to hold on to is our annual pin sale to benefit charity. This year, through

your generosity and love of pins, you helped raise $95,400 for GiveDirectly. If you're a member and you bought pins, they'll ship in January. In the meantime, your support will provide direct cash relief to families impacted by COVID-19 across the United States. Even in this incredibly tough year, the Max Fund community remains extraordinarily kind.

And whether or not you bought pins, you can continue to help by heading to givedirectly.org. And as always, thank you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt.

So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey. She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey pokey. Won't you learn what it's all about? Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner. Baby, this is family. My Uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family.

Do you want him staying with us? He did stay with us for three months. And he was a delight. A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilot Society for maximum fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris. Whoa.

Jesse, do you live with Slash now? No, man. That was just my rock and roll spirit escaping my body through my nostrils. Hell yeah. Woo. See you in hell later, little guy. Let's be talking to your spirit. Oh, cool.

My spirit is quite physically small. Yeah. He's a little guy. Yeah. Oh, hey little guy. Yeah. Oh, hey, Jesse. It's me. We're also joined here by Tom Sharpling, by the way. Yes.

Thank you for having me. Tom, what a delight it has been to have you on Jordan, Jesse, go. A dream deferred. What happens to a dream deferred? It all works out in the end. Tom comes on Jordan Jesse Go and it's great. Oh my God, this is better than it ever could have been over the last 20 years. Tom Sharpling is the host, of course, of The Best Show, which if you're not on board with The Best Show phenomenon, let's-

Too late. No, let's- Too late. No, it's not too late. It's never too late for the best show. You want to listen to these kind of bon mots that Tom's been dropping, these insights that Tom's been dropping on a regular basis where you can go listen to the best show. And not only that, you get the great John Worcester, who's a brilliant comedy genius, that you get the great John Worcester, who's a brilliant comedy genius. And you get long periods of wondering whether or not Tom is serious about something. It's hard to tell. Yeah, that's pretty much I've come to realize that is what I've been giving off for a long time. And sometimes I don't

always realize it where, for example, I'll say something and I'll i'll be like well this is me being funny right now and then people believe it and then i say something i believe and then they're just like you're just being funny and then i realize that's not maybe the best place to operate from for a long for for in life perhaps in broadcasting maybe once in a while it works in spots, but as an overall like pattern or philosophy, I think I could have rethought some of that. Well, you're stuck with it now. Yeah. Once in a great while, Tom will kindly mention us on the air.

And whenever Tom mentions us on the air, it's almost invariably as a foil. We will be a comic foil. The idea of us will be a comic foil for very reasonable reasons. As people who host a vulgar, formatless, no reason to exist podcast, all these things are undeniably true. And Tom will rail against us a little bit, jokingly, call us by slightly wrong names, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And every time, you know, I'll get text messages. I was like as many, I'll get as many text messages as that time that I got mentioned on Howard News on the Howard

Stern channel on Sirius XM. And what was the context for that? I said something nice about Howard Stern and they have like a saved Google search for the phrase Howard Stern. And they heard about it and they reported an NPR guy said something nice about Howard Stern. I think I said he was a talented interviewer. Yeah. Well, that seems like, well, that really you look, I personally disagree. I think he's an awful interviewer. You can literally hear the pages rustle that someone else wrote the questions

on when he's talking. And I think he is profoundly disinterested in what other humans are about, but God bless everyone. There's something for everyone out there. You think he's the best, then go for it. You, I can't wait to hear the thing you did, the conversation you did with the great David Letterman. Because he is somebody who I actually do think has evolved as an interviewer. Where nobody was less interested in humans than him. And now he is. And now he seems, he actually seems interested in other humans. Yeah, I think he figured something out at some point.

But what I was going to say is every time Tom mentions us on the show, I get five or six complimentary text messages from excited friends. You know, my producer, Kevin Ferguson on Bullseye, who produced that David Letterman interview, he's a religious Tom Sharpling fan and will text me if something comes up. You know, he's very excited. People like that. It was always great to be always great to hear about that. And then just like, uh, five people will like tweet at me because they think I'm really your enemy. Yeah. Well, that's the whole point of it is that I love you. You help have helped me so much

in so many different ways. I am forever indebted to you. Not in the slightest. You've given me so much in so many different ways. I am forever indebted to you, Jesse Thorne. Not in the slightest. You've given me so much, Tom. Well, no, but then it's a two-way street. Then at the very least, it's a two-way street because you, way back in 2005, I think it was, when that aforementioned meeting in San Francisco, you were saying you really have to start podcasting your radio show. And you talked me through the whole thing. And you have been invaluable to me in my broadcasting career and in my personal life because of that, because the impact that that had was enormous to have the show, a radio show become a podcast that could be consumed in an

entirely different way. And you were so ahead of the curve on that and you were so generous to me. So I, all kidding aside, I owe you so much for that. So I thank you. Well, that's very kind of you, Tom. I think the world of you forever. And I'm glad that there are, I'm glad that there are a few of us hanging in there. You and me and Jordan and Jimmy Pardo and Joe rogan and the four or five of us are doing it i mean the real between between the five of us we've all made a hundred million and fifteen dollars in this game and not only have we made $100 million and $15, but we've taken the time to consider perspectives that the mainstream media doesn't want us to consider.

Absolutely. No, I... So proud of that. There was a period where I felt my inner bitch was really overtaking me. And then Mr. Rogan taught me about working out as a way to drive your inner bitch out of you. I thought that was a great thing. I love watching videos that his, he has great fans who seem to hate him. Like, I don't think there's anybody who has fans that hate their, their hero more than

him where they're just like constantly being like trying to figure out how tall he actually is and they'll like they'll like measure him against other guests and be just like well Bert Kreischer is six foot tall and there's a picture of the two it's gotta be five seven look at this picture and then there'll be like videos of him working out they'll be like this idiot's using the wrong kettlebells on this. He's going to blow his back out. And these are the people that are into him. This is how they act.

Tom, this is actually great. I'm glad to hear all this from you because as it becomes clearer and clearer that Joe Rogan will be around and something will kind of have to like reference. I was worried that I didn't know enough about what actually goes on on the show. I feel like all my references are like, uh, he was on news radio and I think he has Alex Jones on and maybe he's into whippets. Like just, I had only little bits and pieces of Joe Rogan-ness that were around that I could reference. And it's good to know that stuff. It's good to know that there's the height debate out there.

Yeah, so thank you for another few pulls. Nice to have some more bullets in the chamber, so to speak. You're quite welcome. And I have to say, I'm going to also say, Tom, that I listened to Double Threat the other day while I was driving in my car. It was an episode where you and Julie Klausner were just talking about monsters, different monsters, and your thoughts about different monsters. Julie is, of course, also just one of the funniest people out there, just a real brilliant genius. And the two of you have such fondness for each other uh it is a it is a delightful show and i'm i'm glad that there is an

another a new venue for for people to enjoy the the gifts of mr tom sharpling and in conclusion i think everyone should go on the internet and listen to The Gorge, which is my favorite thing ever. So everybody go look for The Gorge on the internet. You can find it on the internet. Pay your 99 cents. Download The Gorge. Give Bandcamp your $4.99 or whatever. Get The Gorge and enjoy that. That's my final recommendation to our audience. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Our theme music, Loveny D. Fernandez, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records, our thanks to them. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter, where we can be found at Jesse Thorne and at

Jordan underscore Morris. We, of course, care about quality. So if you have a correction for this week's show, please do not tweet it to us. Tweet it at JDPower on Twitter. The folks over there at JDPower like to keep track of that stuff on our behalf. Tom Sharpling is on Twitter at Sharpling. You can find him on The Best Show and on Double Threat and elsewhere in media, writing television programs. He's on Steven Universe, the venue where the most charpling enters my ears these days, because two of my three children are completely obsessed with that wonderful television program. And Tom is really great and funny on it. And that's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.