Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 666: The Episode of the Beast with Jonah Ray

Episode Date: December 12, 2020

Jonah Ray (Let Me Watch Your Movie with You podcast, MST3K on Netflix) joins Jesse and Jordan for this lightly cursed episode to talk about why horror movies are actually comforting these days, the magical appeal of Huell Howser and what might happen if he was meeting Pokemon, and the power of buffalo sauce to transform any food. Jonah has a new podcast where he watches movies with the people who made them! Each episode is like a next-level commentary track!  He watched Bill and Ted with Alex Winter and Friday the 13th with Derek Mears – the actor who plays Jason! Check it out!

Hey Jordan, Jesse Goh listeners, it's Jesse. We just wanted to let you know that this week's episode features some talk about losing weight and diets and that kind of stuff. So if that's a sensitive issue for you, just know that that's on the way. Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn steel ghost type jordan morris boy detective steel ghost type yeah are you a uh are you a villain in metal gear solid no jordan even better oh man i quit the podcast'm going to start up one with Psycho Mantis. Or Revolver Ocelot.

Wait, are these just random words you're saying? They are random words, but they are also villains from the Metal Gear Solid series. Yes. They sound like automatically generated passwords. Yeah, right. It is just, right. It is just, right. It is just caption nonsense. But I've always wanted to host a podcast with one.

Talk about what it's like to, you know, try and get the best of Solid Snake. What Big Boss is like in real life. Yeah. I have a lot of questions. Sure. I don't think anybody's ever really going to get the best of Solid Snake. That's true. That's why they call him Solid. The guy's a rock.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Dependable. Very. Yeah, he'll pick you up from the airport. You need to move. Solid Snake has a truck. He's coming in his... He'll help you move a couch. ...post-apocalyptic nightmare vehicle. What are you? Electro-ghost?

I'm a sword Pokemon, a steel ghost. Sword Pokemon. That's great, man. Tell me more. Steel ghost type. Just like my hero, Dubblade. So I don't know that much about Pokemon. So you are, you're losing me, man.

Do you want me to list some of my possible moves? Yes, please. Yes, that'll get of my possible moves? Yes, please. Yes, that'll get us back on track. Yes, please list your moves. Sword stance. Fury cutter. Ooh, that's a good one. The inimitable metal sound.

Shadow sneak. Iron defense. Night slash. You knew I had night slash, right? Are you sure you're just reading off the back of a Pokemon card? Power Trick. Uh-huh. And of course, Iron Head.

Yeah. Good old Iron Head. You know, a lot of people aren't ready for Iron Head. When I bring Iron Head to the table, like my hero, Dub Blade. Dub Blade. Yeah. No, I'm reading out of the Pokemon encyclopedia that my son has. Oh, that's nice.

From Encyclopedia Britannica? That's what we read. You know how some children like to read a bedtime story? Yeah, you know, sure. Once Upon a Time, Dark and Stormy Night. Yeah, sure. My son, call me Ishmael, my son just wants me to read. He'll name a Pokemon and ask me to read out his attacks.

It'll lull him to sleep. Just the sweet song of the swords dance. As a kid, that was me in Dinosaur Facts. I just wanted to hear how long a Diplodocus was. Really? Oh, yeah, totally. I just wanted to, like, open up a dino book and hear about, like, bird-hipped dinosaurs versus lizard-hipped dinosaurs. Wow. You know, I think... Facts. Facts are soothing. And I do consider Pokemon's attacks

to be facts. I think Pokemon are real. Have you read the latest q drop jesse oh no and those thermometers fuck with your third eye jordan anyway don't make me use autotomize on you oof my one weakness jesse you know i have one weakness two weaknesses you're also one yeah chocolate okay i was gonna guess cheesecake but yeah oof three weaknesses Two weaknesses. You're also... One. Yeah. Chocolate. Okay. I was going to guess cheesecake, but yeah. Oof.

Three weaknesses. Well, four weaknesses if you add in tackle. Is there a Pokemon that has a death by chocolate move? The Pokemon Kathy. She has ack attack, death by chocolate, and swimsuit season cath tor is an ak type yes cath tor somebody photoshop the kathy pokemon card we know you're out there we know you have time photoshop the kathy pokemon card should we bring our guest into this program and find out what type of Pokemon he is? Yes. If he's a water

type, I'm walking. You know, I said I wouldn't do any more podcasts with water types. Our guest on the program is not just a friend of ours of many, many years, but a beloved stand-up comic, a podcaster, a television host of programs including but not limited to Mystery Science Theater 3000, our friend and yours, Jonah Ray. Hi, Jonah. Hi, guys. How's it going? Also, I'm not a host of Mystery Science Theater. I am an actor in it because it's not my name. It's Jonah Heston.

So if we could please separate the art from the artist, I'd really appreciate it if you did that. Yeah, man and myth. Now, Jonah, can we talk to Jonah? Is Jonah there? Can we talk to him? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Put me on the spot by sure. Let's see if we can do that. Hey, hey. Which Jonah do you want to hear? Jonah Ray from Hint America, Jonah Heston from Mystery Science Theater, or your friend Jonah Ray, only in the recent years revealing his last name to people. Boy, can we talk to Revolver Ocelot? You know, sitting here listening to you guys have fun while I just had to sit, it did seem everything seemed like gibberish. I never got into Pokemon.

I think I missed out on that, I think. So anytime anyone talks about it with such passion, it feels like they're 25 years younger than me. But they could easily be Jordan's age, which I think is my age. Yeah, you know, it's weird. And I think we probably experience some similar assumptions about our character.

I think when you're into some nerdy stuff, people assume you're into all nerdy stuff. Yes. So I think I get a lot of questions about Star Trek and Pokemon, which I cannot answer. Yeah, that is a huge thing. That would always happen. I mean, that happens in any kind of subculture where it's like, oh, you like this, so you must also like that. Sure. And then, you know, and then like, you know, because I like horror, I should also be like really well versed in Italian horror, which is great. But I only really know the hits. I only

know the singles, you know. Sure, you only know the Giallo movies. The Jell-O movies? Yes, the Jell-O movies. I have the same problem with being artsy. People assume just because I'm artsy, I know a lot about Marina Abramovich. But that's modern art, right? Is that considered modern art as opposed to, are you a fine artist, a classic artist? I mean... Contemporary art, I would say, probably. I mean, she's known for conceptual and performance art.

Yeah. You know, body art, endurance art, that kind of thing. So it sounds like you do know a lot. That's sound like you you do know your shit. R.E. Abramovich. I know. I look, you know, I know enough to get myself in trouble. OK. Yeah. I think that's a real like it's a trait that a lot of us have um i'm just knowing it's a good check of all trades of knowledge where it's like you know enough to get by like

i don't know anything about sports but i know like enough to have like a very surface level conversation about uh you know baseball sure you could say something like, wow, those New York Jets sure are hapless. The football team? The New York Jets? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Jonah, you mentioned horror movies, and that interests me for two reasons. One, because this is episode 666, so.

Wow, the episode of the beast. Gotta go. I gotta go. Sorry, Jonah, you're here for eternity. Yeah. I gotta go. Sorry, Jonah, you're here for eternity. So Jonah, you are a big horror movie guy. And I was wondering if in this, the perhaps most horrific of years, are you watching more or less horror? Like, is it, is it fun to see gore to you or is it, you know, are you just, you know, watching those Yule logs that are, uh, on YouTube? Well, you know what, it's, uh, what's funny is that the streaming, the horror streaming service shutter has a, um, their own kind of Yule log

where it's just a, like a jack-o'-lantern with like old kind of spooky sound effects. And, oh, that's fun. But, um, you you know i have been watching a lot of i mean because horror is escapist uh at least like you know the kind of fantastical horror stuff and it kind of shows it shows like a worse reality and i think that's um that's kind of what i like about horror uh is that it's just like well at least you know candy man's not going after me sure yeah it's just gonna be a lot worse there could be a candy man situation yeah um but there are certain things where it's like but i won't i've i've not really watched a lot of dramas because i just kind of go like i want to i want to like or i haven't watched any kind of like i usually watch a ton of uh real crime documentaries i

like haven't bothered watching anything or anything about cults like you know it's like everyone's going crazy for the vow and i'm like i'm like i don't know we live in a country that is uh you know half cult and um uh pick your half you don't know where i am politically um he's a mystery you're never gonna pin down jonah, joke's on you. Jonah's a wig. Dixie crap. I had you pegged for a bull moose, my friend. Bull moose party. Taft really showed them.

He sure did. Four more years. I don't know. Yeah, I have also found myself watching a lot of horror. I have also found myself watching a lot of horror. I think a lot because of like one of the like three social things I can do is like watch the same movie as someone and we have a Google Hangout window open. Oh, it's fun. Yeah.

It's not. Nope. It's not real fun. But it is a carob to fun's chocolate. It is a methadone to fun's heroin. Well, all this is just analogous to real life. All the things that we have to do. Sure.

It's a weird sketch someone drew of life with their non- dominant hand. Yeah. Something I wouldn't have ever done, or thought was maybe even fun, was getting together with people and playing Quiplash, but I have a blast doing it. Yeah, it yeah i've played a couple quiplashes too and i think in a time where normal socializing is available i would probably have have scoffed at quiplash but

now um it's like being on ecstasy at a rave i do not know what quiplash is can you guys tell me what quiplash is yeah it's a it's a jackbox game um which is uh you know the the people who made you don't know jack this kind of quiz party games basically um and they made these apps were um and quiplash is one of the games in it where it has these prompts so kind of of like Cards Against Humanity, but I guess more like Say Anything, where it's like, what's the worst thing you could say to somebody that you're in a sleeping bag with? It's just like dumb prompts, and then everyone just kind of types in their jokes

or what they think their answer is on the phone, and then two answers will come up, and then people vote on which one they think is funnier and is the winner always i had beans for dinner yes and it's because every answer is always like uh something to do with a sleeping bag so you're right when you have that but it's funny because it's like you know i like i i've used to write on a lot of like, you know, I used to write jokes for like TV shows and I don't anymore. And it kind of does have that feeling. And Jordan, tell me if you agree with this. It kind of does have that fun writer's room feeling of like you're not trying.

You're not going to make any joke that's going to get on air, but you're just trying to make that that writer's room laughter. Yeah, right. You're like like my joke about the Challenger explosion will not make it on the air. But this will make Vanessa Ramos laugh. Yes. It's that feeling of, and it really quickly devolves into early 2000s alternative comedy level.

It's like AIDS, shit like that. Sure. We loved to say say aids didn't we we really had a good time saying aids um but you were talking about horror movies i'm sorry yeah that's so i i was saying that one of my you know because one of my social things is watch it start this same movie at the same time as someone and have a google chat window open like i don't know horror is just great for that horror Horror is just like, I don't know, it really works for like something you can kind of chat through a little bit and react to and goof on. I don't know. It's been great for it.

You know, it's funny, Deanna, my wife, she doesn't, she likes talking through movies and about movies. But she, and I do sometimes, but she doesn't seem to get when I don't want to. Like today we were watching Mank and she started to talk about like the body language of one of the actors um because she's you know she's very like you know well trained and in acting and kind of like is able to pick up on that stuff and I just kind of have to like not like I don't want to say give her a look like I'm you know some domineering husband but it's kind of it's a non look. It's a, it's a head nod while keeping my eyes even more firmly planted onto the TV screen and just kind of a, uh-huh. You're like, I'm trying to make here.

I was absolutely going to say exactly. I'm trying to make here. I'm making over here. There's some movies you do and some movies you don't do that you don't goof on mank you goof on cats well we're watching the gate 2 uh co-starring pamela adlon um yeah you make you can it's fine to make jokes during that time and talk about other stuff i would show more respect to the voice of Bobby Hill, Jonah. Good point. That's my purse. I don't know you, Jonah. She's

your sugar bear. This flower is Wilton. Let's all say our favorite Bobby Hill lines. Oh, man. What isn't my favorite Bobby Hill line? One of the best characters in television history. Sure. Easy. I mean, actually, I'd say almost every character in King of the Hill is in the top 50 of American television best characters.

Yeah, that's totally fair. That's entirely fair. Chuck Mangione is better than everyone on The Sopranos. Sorry, big pussy. What is the strangest or goofiest horror movie that you have watched during this time of horror, Jonah? It's got to be, oh, shoot, I just forgot the name of it. But my friend Jim does this thing called Cinematic Void. It's Nightmare on Something Street.

It's Nightmare on Sesame Street. It was a porn parody. Wow. It does sound like a genuine nightmare. Yeah. I was going to say it sounds genuinely horny, so we're just different in that way yeah but it's uh our friend jim does cinematic void and uh it's kind of like his little like he'll do it on his youtube but he used to do screenings at like the egyptian and of weird horror movies and he'll do like giallo fest

and jello fest um but uh he's been doing kind of a you know a usa up all night kind of thing where he'll host um a movie that's kind of cheesy and bad and then do like interstitials to talk about the movie or do sketches. And so Deanna has been doing a lot of sketches for, for it. And I've been helping her with them. And, and the, one of the movies that we had to do was this, it was just so terrible and so dumb and so inept uh and cheap and a lot of like you know day for night kind of uh shots and then but one of one of the weirdest things in it is that um like everyone's at this kind of i think it's a high school dance party or it's just this small town halloween party or something like that um but like a guy's outside and he just starts to go into a stand-up act

like a full-on – like women. Women are crazy, right? And then like the other actors are standing around this guy doing a stand-up act laughing at the act as if he's like just a guy that's funny at a party. But then it's a full-on 80s stand-up act where he's like bending over and doing physical comedy bits and i i can't i'm sorry i can't remember the name of the movie driving me crazy yeah was it is do you think it's just a thing where that actor was also a stand-up and the director thought he was funny and was just such a bad director he's like and then you do uh do do 10 minutes in the middle of the movie and then we'll get back to the story yeah do your thing i think that's exactly what it was and they say you don't get discovered anymore at the comedy store that's sure uh jesse and

speaking of things we're watching are you yeah ingesting the pokemon are you making are you making it over there baby are you are you are you do your kids want to ingest the Pokemon, like, movies and TV show? There was a time when they did. They were playing Pokemon tonight, but that was the first time they played Pokemon in maybe a month. Like, the speed with which a seven-year-old goes through obsessions is astonishing. I mean, especially given a total absence of outside influence. Like I'm sure if my son was in first grade right now, as he's,

you know, meant to be, uh, and he was like hanging, like the, the fact that everyone is on a different discovering Pokemon timeline would kind of keep Pokemon in his personal zeitgeist. Uh,

but he sort of burned through Pokemon and is all Star Wars all the time now. Oh, wow. Okay. Which is a lot better for me. Like, I'm not sure it's better. I'm not sure he's really ready to be all Star Wars all the time, like emotionally,

in terms of the amount of pretty intense violence and good versus evil stuff in Star Wars. But in general, for me, it works out much better. Because as you know, Jordan, I'm a medium Star Wars guy. I'm glad to watch Star Wars. Yeah, you're a legendary medium Star Wars guy. who has no nostalgia for Pokemon and doesn't have the personal inclination to memorize the names of different Pokemons. I do not find that interesting or satisfying.

It is a fucking nightmare. It's really, really, really... It's hard even just to hear. Like if it's playing... Like sometimes they'll have what's called dinner show which is while my wife or i are making dinner in order to make room for that in our lives we will let them watch a tv show while we you know cook or prepare dinner and so they'll be 10 15 feet away from us watching a show on a laptop and when they're watching pokemon it like makes me want to tear my hair out but that said reading the book that's just a list of pokemons i really get a

kick out of i like how there's all these different pokemons i like how they have these funny names and they turn in from this thing into that thing that part of it is actually the part that makes the most sense to me you need to do a podcast that's just you being blown away by pokemon text and what was that guy that did that california public access show the traveling california guy oh he'll have yeah yeah i mean it's like wow charizard no snorlax oh my now now. Now you're trying to tell me. Jorge, come over here and get a shot of this Snorlax. He's evolving. Wow. Oh, Squirtle, isn't that just too much? He truly is Pokemon's gold.

Pokemons gold. I am so delighted how this regional PBS host from my youth has now just become a comedy poll. I just love that. Do you think it was Adomian? He is. I think it was James Adomian. Dana Gould did it for a while. Yeah. Dana Gould did it a long time.

I think Dana Gould maybe got him into being an animation voice and things. But Huell Hauser I did not grow up with, even though I am a native Californian. I've heard that there were places in Northern California that he was on public television, but I watched a lot of public TV as a kid. You guys will be stunned to learn. And I never saw Huell Hauser until i moved to los angeles but the thing about hugh hauser is he's an he is there are few people who so embody both absolute ridiculousness and genuine genius like he is exceptionally good at his job while also being completely ridiculous he's like regis philbin or something

like he's really good at what he does but it is also completely absurd and hilarious that's a good point there is something kind of special about the kind of people that just really want to be like a host and like embody that entirely to the best of their abilities or something that because there's like you know i always think about like you know conan doesn't seem like he ever really truly wanted to be a host of a tv show that's true he like you can tell he's got he's he's like a real performer and he's good at it and he he likes thinking of funny things. Yes, exactly. And like, there was always kind of that sadness of Letterman. I always felt, you know.

Sure. Yeah, I think Letterman, you get the impression that he just, at some point, realized it was all he was good at. Like, not that he wanted it. He's just like, well, I can't write an act, but people like it when i do stuff well this is what it is yeah i um you know that my first you know non-coffee fetching showbiz jobs were hosting so i've done a little bit of it and the like the thing that I could never do that always just hurt me in my core was I could never say,

let's check it out. And that is, you just need to say that so fucking much in that job. And like, you know, like I, my, the hosting I started out doing was like funny hosting and, you know, it was kind of a joke about hosting in a way and it's like but then you know it's like okay well now i should try and get actual jobs at this and they all required me to say let's check it out and i couldn't it i'm i can do it now because i'm dicking on it and it's no one's paying me but then i just i wouldn't say it and people would get mad at me i'm like hey i don't want to say let's check it out and they're like why won't this fucking guy say let's check it out that's all this job is anyway yeah for people for don't want to say let's check it out. And they're like, why won't this fucking guy say let's check it out? That's all this job is anyway.

Yeah. For people for people that want to know, like it's like, when do you when does when do these people say let's check it out? It's the thing that's said by the host right before in this package that they're hosting. It cuts to fast motion. Yeah. Camerawork going through like a convention floor or an event of some sort and you just go hey i'm standing here with and then like and both jordan and i had done a have done a ton of those things like that was kind of like our living here and there for yeah sure a good part

of like the mid-2000s i think yeah. Yeah, they play in that fast motion. They play what I would call the royalty-free equivalent of like... Yeah, Shackety Shacks, the Yackety Shacks royalty-free version, yeah. Hillhauser was absolutely for real. Like many years ago when I first started doing Put This On, my menswear blog and video series, we did our first episode. Me and past Jordan Jesse Go guest Adam Lissagor directed it and did a segment in it. And we had this premiere party and somebody jokingly said to me, like, you should invite Huell Hauser to your premiere party. And I was like, fine, I will invite Huell Hauser to your premiere party and I was like

fine I will invite Huell Hauser to my premiere party ha ha ha ha ha and I just went on like californiasgold.com or whatever and sent an email to the email address that was on there that said hey we're having

a premiere party for our fashion series it's in Pasadena on such and such day. And Huell Hauser emailed me back and said, that sounds fun. I'd love to be there. And he totally came. And like in California, in Southern California especially,

for Huell Hauser to walk into a room, like if Tom Hanks or George Clooney or Timothee Chalamet or Anne Hathaway walked into the room, everyone would have been, like, acting cool and pretending that they weren't excited to see Anne Hathaway. But when Huell Hauser walks into a room, it's like if Norm from Cheers walked in. Like everyone basically immediately has him up on their shoulders, like throwing him in the air and singing for He's a Jolly Good Fellow. It is like a magical experience for him to walk into the room. Do you think that's because of him? Or do you think that's a certain level of celebrity where it's like the attainable person that you're like, I bet I could date them? No. I think we all kind of wanted to date Huell Hauser. Let's all just put it out there on the

table. Well, it's funny you should mention that because Adam accidentally went on a date with Huell Hauser. After that, he had a long conversation with Huell Hauser at that party, and Huell Hauser said we should have lunch sometime. And I remember Adam texting me from that lunch and saying, Huell Hauser is being very nice about it, but I think he thought this was a date. Aww. Oh. But yeah, he took Adam to some kind of secret cafe inside City Hall or something.

Something very Huelvizary. I bet they had Cobb and Caesar salad. No such place exists, Jonah. No such blasphemy. There are two soups of the day. I think it's Huel. I mean, like, I feel like I don't,

it's not like I don't think that if, you know, local weatherman, you know, Rocky storms came into the party, people wouldn't have been happy to see him. Yeah. But there is a special kind of love for somebody that projects that much love into the world,

you know? There's a very short list of people like that, I think. RuPaul. I met RuPaul once. RuPaul's kind of like that. RuPaul, definitely. RuPaul, like, brings joy to every room. But do you think that's a, a higher level of being that is able to project that much love and have it and receive it as well? Yeah. I mean, it's certainly higher than me.

I mean, not higher than me, baby. Marijuana. 20 baby. Drugs. Yes. The Dutchian. Okay. can i uh close the loop on something from the podcast a few weeks ago yeah thank you oh right before you do that before you do that the movie was called hack-o-lantern all right go ahead wow go ahead jordan wait was that was the character doing the jokes the titular hack-o-lantern no no he was not but that is very funny but the

movie was called hack-o-lantern so it wasn't about being a hack comedian it was about chopping people up no no he's just in one scene uh and there's also there's also a band uh in it that you could tell this guy there's whoever it, was just like, I'm going to get the stripper I know, the comedian I know, and the metal band I know to be in this movie. Boom, you got a movie. The band is just the band of that guy who gets Vulcan death gripped by Spock on the bus in Star Trek IV. That's Kirk Thatcher. Is that the guy's name?

Do you know the guy's name? That's the punk on the bus, right? Yeah, all I know about him is that he was like name? Do you know the guy's name? That's the punk on the bus, right? Yeah. All I know about him is that he was like a grip or something on the movie. And when they were playing the punk music, he's like, oh, that's not really here. Here's my band's thing. And then they had him be the guy. One of the main punks from that movie is Kirk Thatcher, who is a huge, huge, like the guy that created dinosaurs. He's a huge Henson guy, like worked under Henson for years and years and years. And I've become friends with him through like the,

you know, the convention, the nerd convention circuit. To the dinosaurs fan community. Yes, exactly. From DinoCon. You guys call yourselves the Not The Mamas. Yes, yeah, exactly. Yeah, but yeah, he's like a real like Jim Henson's creature shop.

He was like directed, I I think like Muppet Treasure Island but anyway sorry that's just a fun fact for you that's great yeah that is a fun fact that was very fun for me now close that loop close that loop I wanted to ask you guys okay I'm

new to the gram I'm new to Instagram it was my New Year's resolution I finally did it I joined Instagram. Love to engage fans over there. You had previously been about the slow gram lifestyle. That's when you mail a picture, selfies. Yes, I was mailing filtered Polaroids to people. Yeah.

Yeah, in two to four weeks, you'll get a thirst trap. You gotta wait. That's what makes it special. So people talk about the Instagram ad algorithm a lot, and I want to know what you two get for your Instagram algorithm ads. Oh, yeah. I get a lot of at-home workout gear, oddly enough. I get mainly a rowing

machine. Oh, interesting. I don't know why. I've been seeing that one a lot, and I've been seeing that, they called it like it's a dumb phone, but I can't remember what it's called, but it's like one of those new phones that just does text. you could text on it you can make phone calls um and play music and that's all you can do on it oh right for for like calming your brain and being present and stuff yeah it you know the phone clearly heard me talking about um because i was off of social media for from like april to i think uh mid-aug August. Oh, wow. Okay. And, and it was, uh, it was great. I felt like I had gotten sober. Like it's like, you know, like, uh, for people who drink regularly, there's every once in a while, you'll take like a month

or so off of drinking and, um, and you get this like, you know, clarity in your head that you didn't realize it was never there because you're sleepy. But that's kind of how I felt when I got off of it. And then I went to go – I was feeling down one day just as that happens for all of us. And I was like, you know, I've lost a lot of weight. I wouldn't mind just kind of posting a picture of me the way I look now and just get that validation. And it's like I'm saying this. It's like I'm not embarrassed by it because that's kind of what everyone does anyway with this stuff. It's that feedback that you want.

And I was feeling down and I posted it and got a ton of likes and a ton of great comments. And it fucking worked and it made me feel better. None that I was, and then, and then all of a sudden, and then the next thing I posted was like a funny video I made and it fucking got nothing. I was like,

ah, it's over. Yeah. But, uh, yeah. So I get a lot, a lot for like,

um, meditation apps, uh, the rowing machine and that, that phone, whatever that phone the light phone i think it's called oh wow i get sort of miscellaneous stuff and then i get a lot of menswear stuff i wish that i got more things related like whatever the products you know i follow this uh scruffy dog called city willie and i wish that i wish that

i got city willie related products but in fact i think it just it just knows that like i because it's a put this on account i follow a bunch of fancy menswear stuff it just sends me fancy menswear stuff you know but you don't find any of it useful or appealing no i mean like sometimes it sends me fancy menswear stuff that like i would otherwise be interested in the thing that i do fall for constantly is there's this uh brand of baseball hat called ebbets field flannels and they'll post some new new weird minor league baseball team hat from 1934. And I'll find myself flicking through it and then remembering that it's an ad and I should stop flicking through it because it's only encouraging Instagram. Jonah, have you ever thought about buying the fitness equipment or the be present phone or anything like that?

I've like multiple times gotten very close to buying that phone. multiple times gotten very close to buying that phone. The thing about it is, though, that I like taking pictures and I like making videos and I have a really good video editing app on my phone. Yeah, you're a really good photographer. I've been following you on the Insta and I think your photography is great. It's really awesome. Thank you. Yeah, it's just something that it's like a hobby and i like to do it and or you know i like to make a song and then record it and make a video of it and put it up on there yeah just like i i that the the smartphone allows me to do that and that's kind of what keeps me away from but the thing is the temptation it's also where i read my fucking books and you know yeah i understand the neat the interest though in like detoxing from social

media and focusing on other stuff um i guess i would just be worried if i got one of those dumb phones does it still do pornos they only they look like the game snake it's just it comes with a copy of Leisure Suit Larry Leisure Suit Larry oh man remember when screensavers were also games oh yeah sure that's right yeah yeah that's something Leisure Suit Larry era can you do that Morris Huell

Hauser wow the screensaver's also a game. Oh, my. I've been on Instagram a few months, and I was kind of preparing myself for this ad thing. I'm like, okay, I'll be talking about something, and it'll shoot it back at me, or I'm going to get bombarded for this stuff,

and I'm going to get tricked into buying it because we're all a little fragile right now um but i get exclusively chicken sandwiches i get basically only chicken sandwiches okay so i've my sister's birthday i bought her a pan and then for like a week afterwards i got that same pan and i was like i've already bought this fucking pan i guess like you know maybe i should buy one of these pans no i've already bought the pan so i had the pan for a little while and then it just went back to chicken sandwiches is it possible and i'm i'm thinking the workout equipment the pan uh the uh i get i get marketed a lot of deodorant is it possible that when we're we're

ascribing a lot of power to this algorithm but do you think there may just be one input and it's it can tell that maybe we're a little chunky they're like hey you hey enjoy this uh sandwich there chunky boy yeah like it's just like it's got an aioli on it chunkster just that it can detect sort of being five or ten pounds heavier than you'd like to be you know there there is something to that because i used to get a lot of uh noom what like noom is like that dieting lifestyle kind of weight loss app and i would get a lot of that but since i've dropped a ton of weight, um, that's when the, that's when the workout stuff started happening. Like, uh, it's like, it's almost like it's,

it's all, it's all my picture says, yeah, the, the, the chub is gone, but you got to start toning buddy. Right. You got to get some definition, man. It's all about definition. Here's a kettlebell for you. Um, I have like changed my diet pretty pretty intensely over the past couple months so i don't do a lot of carbs these days or i'm like really really watching my carbs and i so i don't eat a lot of chicken sandwiches i'm not buying these things but i am fucking slowing down and looking at them so i mean i think that's probably how do you what do you mean is it like a regional so it's chicken sandwich or is it like you order these chicken sandwiches online how is it a chicken sandwich yeah it's a chick yeah so it's like a restaurant in the air but here's the thing

mostly it's like places near you that are selling a chicken sandwich but sometimes like you know i've never gotten something that specific like i've never gotten like an la specific one time it was in sacramento i'm like i can't get this chicken sandwich even if I wanted it. Sacramento. Yeah, what do you think I am? Gray Davis? Yeah, that guy loves a chicken sandwich. He does love his chicken sando.

I ordered one of those chicken sandwiches once, but it's just because I wanted to watch that thing where you cut open the packaging and it expands in front of you. What? Yeah, I don't know what that is. Are you thinking of Casper mattresses? I think they're made of memory foam or something. Oh, okay.

I see. I gotcha. I thought you were talking about an actual thing, but I said your joke to you. I thought you guys were starting to sneakily go into an ad. That would be smooth. That would be fucking smooth. That's not a chicken sandwich. That's the best mattress around.

Casper mattresses. Who needs a chicken sandwich when you've got meal boxes delivered right to your door? I had a great chicken sandwich. There's a vegan burger and fried chicken sandwich place in Highland Park called Wolfie's,

and I got that yesterday for dinner. It's very, very good. Vegan chicken sandwich. Huh. What do they make that out of, seitan? Probably, yeah. You got an aioli on there? Chickpea?

No, it was a buffalo style. Oh, yeah, good call. Good choice. You know, buffalo sauce, that's a powerful sauce. I use it constantly. Sometimes I will roast cauliflower and put buffalo sauce on there. And I'm like, you know what?

Like cauliflower is not that good, but it doesn't really matter if you put buffalo sauce on it because it tastes like buffalo sauce. Buffalo sauce tastes great. Yeah. And it's great for like if you want some, if you miss mayonnaise and want just to be like did you try to fancy up the word mayonnaise if you miss mayonnaise not consciously but now maybe i'll maybe i'll do that that's how fondly you think of mayonnaise that's how much you miss it yes i oh i gave mayonnaise how i desire thee dearest mayonnaise it has been a fortnight since I've supped upon your juiciness.

To spread you over the carbs that I deprive myself of regularly. It's like a Civil War letter that I'm writing to mayonnaise. Jordan, has there been any particular thing that has been... Has there been a particular thing that's been hard to not eat in the absence of carbs?

Yeah. I mean, I think the main thing just that I've kicked that I still think about is chips. Because I'm in my house so much, and that's like my favorite house activity is to sit quietly and eat chips. It's hard to be quiet when you're eating chips. Yeah, that's true. They're crunching all over town. Especially kettle chips. All right, now who's sliding into an ad, asshole?

Sun Chips has made a new bag. That's quiet. I've kind of given up bread because my wife is allergic to wheat. And I don't really love bread, so it's just not in the house. Or at least there's only kinds that kids like in the house. And so I don't eat bread. But I have found myself bringing home like two or three different kinds of chips from the store. And I'm like, oh, this is my body telling me that it misses bread.

Yeah. Yeah, chips are good. That's a thing that happens if I take a break from drinking. I'll be like, man, we got to get some ice cream or some cookies because it's my body going, where's that sugar you usually put in me? Yeah, I know. I feel like if I went on a diet, I would just Google, is ice cream allowed? I would just Google, is ice cream allowed? Like rather than go on a no ice cream diet, I would more trust an all ice cream diet for me.

I'll tell you guys this. I've been eating everything that I like to eat. And I have lost since the beginning of the year 40 pounds. Whoa, pretty good. Wow. Yeah. Like I'm the least i've ever weighed um and like even like three years ago i was uh like i just weighed in at 199 and like um at i was 270 pounds three years ago holy moly yeah and and it really like it's like i always was i was always struggling to try and like figure out how to lose weight. I thought I would like, I thought working out, working out,

that's the thing I got to do. Uh, I would work out a ton, three days a week. Like when I had like a job, I would be with a trainer, you know, doing stuff on the off days, uh, not eating carbs. Um, and none of it ever seemed to work. I was always like, Oh, I'll do the slow carb diet. So you have the cheat day or I'll do, um, you know, this thing or to work. I was like, oh, I'll do the slow carb diet. So you have the cheat day or I'll do this thing or that thing. Or then I was like, oh, maybe it's like I got to cut out drinking. Maybe drinking is the culprit. And then I just – and this is going to sound real cheesy and dumb. And I'm not saying this to like be braggadocious about any of this stuff.

It's just like I'm very happy that I've been able to like kind of figure it out for myself after all this stuff. It's just like, it's, I'm very happy with that. I've been able to like, kind of figure it out for myself after all this time. And it's like, um, I started meditating regularly and that amount of like extra brain space that meditation gave me allowed me to like, not overeat when I ate and then like, not like snack when I didn't really need to. And all it was, was like, I just didn't eat as much. I still eat all the same stuff. Like, it's like, I just like have more room in my brain to kind of go, like, I'll wake up in the morning, go, you know what, like, a fucking burrito sound would sound great. Today. I'll do that for dinner. So until then, I'm going to keep it kind of easy. So you're still just eating the burritos.

It's only burrito diet. I'm sorry. I should have been more clear about that. But yeah, but then I kind of go like, oh, I wouldn't mind having like, and like really going for it, not going like, I have like a version of a burrito that's healthy. It's like, I'm going to have the fucking burrito, but I'm going to make sure I keep everything else in check. I usually just eat a regular burrito, i'm gonna like you know make sure i i you know keep everything else in check i usually just eat a regular burrito but i put cauliflower on top good good little buffalo

sauce yeah sure meditating is one of those annoying things that like everyone every professional will tell you is good for you i was just having that conversation with my cpa yeah any professional any health professional will tell you it's a good thing and like i don't want to do it but when i sit down and do it i'm like fuck that works fuck you doctors you know it's like i'm mad it's crazy why it works anyway hello jordan oh no it's me dr ohci jonah run it's a it's a running bit that maybe you don't know about run the running of the bits jonah i'm america's doctor dr fauci i can't take a little fucking walk take a little fucking walk. Take a little fucking walk every day. And then sit cross-legged and don't think about nothing.

Count your breaths, Jordan. Fucking Fauci, get out of here. It doesn't have to be religious, Jordan. You can still be a Christian and meditate. Just cross your legs and count your breaths. Count sand, Fauci. Get out of here. I'm not going to meditate.

Oh, man. Thank God we got rid of that Dr. Fauci. That guy's always inserting himself into conversations where he's unwelcome. Classic Fauci. Yeah. I'm surprised he didn't change his mind on what he wanted you to do. Right, guys? Right?

Yeah, right. You guys are always taking into account new information. Fuck him! Okay, let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Our thanks to every single person who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join and become a member. You've gotten us through all of our tough times and we appreciate it. We're also this week supported by, well, speaking of Jordan Jesse Go listeners, Fortunato Chocolate. Wait, Fortunato Chocolate?

Oh, you mean PodcastChocolate.com slash JJ Go. Yeah, exactly. Man, Jordan, so I have a treat cabinet at my house. Can I tell you about this? No, you haven't told me about the treat cabinet. I got this treat cabinet. I did not establish the treat cabinet. It was established by my treat-loving wife, Teresa, who eats everything like a bird and so is perfectly fine eating as many treats as she wants. And in this treat closet, usually there's like some gummies and there'll be some marshmallows because my kids like to eat marshmallows. And, you know, it's just little treats and whatnot.

And there's been these two bars of Fortunato chocolate in there. One of them milk and one of them dark. And these are hefty one pound, 1.1 pound bars. These are big bars. And I'm not really supposed to eat chocolate because it gives me migraines if I eat too much of it. But I've been going into the treat cabinet like every other day and just breaking off a little piece of this chocolate because it is genuinely amazingly good. It's so good. It's spectacularly good. It's crazy good. because it is genuinely amazingly good it's so good it's spectacularly good it's crazy good and yeah i feel like it's been so long since i've just had

a piece of chocolate without like peanut butter or nougat or something in it um and i wasn't sure that it was gonna blow my balls off but this stuff blew my fucking balls off it's just a really really delicious piece of chocolate they got milk they got they got dark, and they got nibs. There's nibs, Jesse. Cacao nibs. Those nibs are real good, too. You know, here's the thing. So much of the fancy chocolate market

is dominated by people who are trying to convince you that their chocolate is the only chocolate that's enjoyed by the richest people on earth you know what i mean like everything is like wrapped in golden foil with like pictures of cigar aficionado magazine on it and stuff and um this is just like for many many years fortunato chocolate was sold just to fancy restaurants like it was like a, it was, you know, what you got served at a restaurant with Michelin stars.

But more recently, they've decided to go direct to consumer. And that means that like you get access to the actual fanciest chocolate, not the chocolate with the fanciest wrapper around it, the actual fanciest chocolate. And it is so good. And best of all, they spent a decade building up relationships with farmers in Peru, living in Peru. This dude that listens to Jordan Jesse go was in Peru making friends with

farmers. And so you know that on the other end of it, they're getting paid fairly, which I know makes me feel better. Plus, he registered the URL podcastchocolate.com. So all you have to do is go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. Yeah, it's available. We said in 36% milk, 47% dark milk, and 68% dark. And of course, those nibs I mentioned, it's 1.1 pound bars, minimal packaging. It is,

and it is totally affordable. Like I am like, we do not get a discount for reading those ads, but I've totally gotten it as holiday gifts. And I think it's, uh, I think it's going to be a big hit, uh,

podcast, chocolate.com slash JJ go, uh, fun, affordable chocolate. We're also supported this week by our friends over at Manscaped. You know, Manscaped makes personal grooming products for dudes like you and me. We want to keep it clean, downtown and upstairs.

If you're looking for the ultimate stocking stuffers for the holiday season. Look no further because Manscaped have the tools to make you win this year's stocking stuffer or white elephant competition. And great news, they just released their products across Europe, Canada, and Australia. I know we got listeners in all three of those places. So good news, Europeans, Canadians, and Australians, you can now Manscaped. Can I tell you Europeans, Canadians, and Australians, you can now manscape.

Can I tell you something, Jordan? I got one of their nasal and ear hair care products, the Weed Whacker. But I accidentally got two of them. Now, one of them is in regular rotation at my house, but one of them I had to figure out what to do with it. I thought, I'm going to give this as a gift. And I thought, who can I give this as a gift to that I won't alienate because they feel like I am making fun of their nose and ear hair? And I thought, well, I have a colleague, a Maximum Fund colleague with whom I work very closely, who lives right nearby. I thought, I'll just drop it by his house. I'll let him know, you know, I got an extra one of these, but I have one and I really like it. I think you might enjoy it. I brought it by and he just texted me earlier today to tell me how

much he loves trimming his nose and ear hair with the Weed Whacker, which is a weird thing to get a text about, but it's God's own truth. It's very fun. It's fun. It's genuinely fun. Yeah. They got the weed whacker, they got the ball trimmers, and they also have a couple of fun alternate self-care products

that you can get. Great stocking stuffers. The crop preserver, that's ball deodorant. That's to make your balls smell better. Yeah, if you got those stank balls, you gotta do something about it. Don't have stank balls. Don't let stank balls run away with your love

life. They got the Crop Mop. These are ball wipes. You never know when an opportunity strikes, so you should always be prepared. Yeah. It's the Crop Mop Ball Wipes. You can be prepared by Yeah. It's the crop mop ball wipes. You can be prepared by wiping it down. You got to wipe it down.

Well, I think that that is what the opportunity is. You just never know when you're going to have an opportunity to wipe your balls. Isn't that what they're saying? They're saying that you never know when an opportunity strikes to wipe your balls, so you should always be prepared by having the ball wipes with you having the crop mop ball wipes on hand there's a lot of situations where you shouldn't mop your balls i mean if you're doing a presentation at work it's the last thing you work yeah absolutely if there's two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning in the in the world series of baseball you can't mop your ball you can't mop your balls right then but then later

on if you have a private moment, you want to make sure you have the wipes there with you because the opportunity has struck. So yeah, wait for a private moment, wipe your balls, and then go right back to accepting your Golden Globe Award. Get 20% off and free shipping

at manscaped.com with code JJGO. Be the ballsiest gift giver this year with Manscaped. Manscaped.com and the code is JJGO. Be the ballsiest gift giver this year with Manscaped. Manscaped.com and the code is JJGO. Let's get back to the show. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Jonah Ray, man. Solid. Solid nickname. Jonah, you're a man's man. When you say you're a man's man, you're always carrying around that axe, for example. Yes, I have an axe made out of axe body

spray bottles. It's a new product that I'm hocking. Oh. The axe axe. Yes. Man, you know what I did yesterday? I used a saw, and it went great. It really went well. What'd you saw? I sawed the bottom limbs off of

a Christmas tree. You know how often to get the christmas tree into the base of the christmas tree like the bottom limbs are like preventing it from getting down in there enough you know what i'm talking about you know the exact kind of thing i'm talking about i had this i had this saw for a long time that was a garbage saw. It's just the worst, but I would just keep trying to saw with it. And then one day I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to buy a saw for myself. Daddy needs a new saw. And so I went, I bought, I looked up on the internet what's a good kind of saw.

I bought it. It was like $25 or something. I wanted to pay $16, but that's fine. Where did you buy it from? I bought it from a popular online retailer. Ouch. Possibly it was a popular- Problematic?

A popular home. These are both. Both of the possibilities of places I bought it from are highly problematic because the other one is a home renovation store that's owned by a very problematic man. That's why you got to get them right from Jigsaw. Yeah. Just go to his Etsy shop. He's a small business owner who we have to support now more than ever. To saw with a saw that works is a dream experience. It is extraordinary.

Like, it was like I wasn't doing nothing. And these branches were just coming right off of their own accord. It was a wonderful moment in my life. Is this another ad? Yes, go to Jigsaw's Etsy store, where you'll receive not only a fine saw, but an ironic punishment that will teach you to live life to the fullest. All right. Well, Joni, you have to pick your wife up at work. So tell us about your new podcast, because you've got a new podcast. commentary because I kind of miss commentary tracks. And, and so you, um, we have the kind of the guideline, you know, the guide to how to kind of sync it up, or you could just listen along and, um, and it's, uh, it's a lot, it's been a lot of fun. I've, uh, I've had, uh, Mick Garrison,

he was the director of Critters 2. Um, and that was really rad. Cause he also like, you know, went on to like do the TV movie versions of The Stand, um, and the shining. And he also wrote Hocus Pocus and he's like this incredible, amazing, huge figure in the, in the horror. Um, and, uh, but then I also, I did, I had Alex winter on and we watched Bill and Ted's bogus journey, um, together. Yeah. Then I had Derek Mears on who played Jason Voorhees,hees in the remake of Friday the 13th. And he's also the new Swamp Thing. He's a really incredible guy. And yeah, it's like I'm going to be watching Toy Soldiers with Will Wheaton.

I'd be watching, you know, I watched with the Academy Award winning writers, Larry Keserowski and Scott Alexander. We watched their directorial debut, Screwed, starring Norm MacDonald and Dave Chappelle. No way. Those guys directed Screwed? Yeah. That's so funny. They wrote and directed it. I didn't know that. Yeah.

I didn't know that. Did you know that Tartofsky actually directed Dirty Work? No. Whoa. I'm learning so much. Bob Saget tartofsky i would do a third one of these but i don't think there's a third norm mcdonald movie no i think screwed was the end of the line on that one um jonah you should pitch this podcast to my daughter uh who just watched the entire commentary track of the mike myers cat in the hat movie oh wow she used her allowance money to buy it on dvd so she could watch the commentary track that's

the director and alec baldwin oh my god so i not even not even mike my? No, because Mike Myers only did that movie because he got sued because he didn't do the Sprockets movie or something like that. Oh. It was a legal settlement that led him to be in that movie. Wow. So he was out of there as quick as he could. Which is funny because it's like if you've ever, I'm sure you noticed like his version of the cat in the hat is essentially Linda Richmond from the Coffee Talk sketch. Yes, it is like a much more manic version of Linda Richmond from the Coffee Talk. I've seen the whole movie now.

What does Alec Baldwin play in it? He is the disgusting bad guy. creepy neighbor who horndogs on the mom uh because he wants to marry her so he can get his television out of repossession this movie sounds great i know i know what you're thinking jordan alec vault like horndogging on the mom in a children's movie like that's creepy uh the cat also repeatedly does that wow there is like a scene where the cat picks up a picture of the mom and then unfolds it like a centerfold and goes like you're like whoa what the fuck who plays the mom i don't remember she does a good job she's so hot though she was totally horning for her hell yeah is it jackie from roseanne

laurie metcalf she has a name metcalf laurie metcalf yeah the great laurie generation really genuinely brilliant laurie metcalf laur Metcalf, if you're listening, we just want you to know that we'll only horndog on you if that's cool with you, but no matter what, we'll respect your incredible craft. Absolutely. Also, in Norm MacDonald's sitcom.

So that brings it around. Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, that's right. Because they're really good buddies because they worked on Roseanne together. See? That's why she was a writer there. This podcast is good.

When Norm MacDonald was like hot stuff in Hollywood after he got fired from Saturday Night Live, he got that sitcom deal and he insisted that Laurie Metcalf be his co-star because he was such good buddies with her. There you go. That's fun. And I mean, also, she's a brilliant actor, and he's a horrible actor. Yeah. He's funny, though. He's like, how can I Seinfeld this?

I like Dirty Work so much. I think it's such a funny movie. Yeah, I watched it relatively recently. There are definitely some things that did not age well, but it still made me laugh like an asshole. Like I really laughed a lot at Dirty Work. Yeah, for sure. It's so good.

Well, Jonah, it's been a pleasure to have you on the program. We will release you to your motor vehicle. Thank you so much. But it's always great to talk with the great Jonah Ray. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, no, thank you so much for having me. I really had a good time. And bye.

There's your classic catchphrase, bye. Actually, Jordan, it's bye. Get your bye t-shirts at jonahray.com. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go well hello i'm renee colvert hi i'm alexis preston and we are the host of can i put your dog and we got breaking news we got an expose and all the beans have been spilled via an Apple podcast review that said, this show isn't well-researched. Well, yeah, no duh.

Of course it's not. Not since the day we started has it been well-researched. Guessing and anthropomorphizing dogs is what we do. The Can I Pet Your Dog promise is that we will never do more than 10 seconds of research before telling you excitedly about any dog we see. I'm going to come at you with top 10 enthusiasm, minimal facts. We're here for a good time, not an educated time. So if you love dogs and you don't love research, well, you know what?

Come on in to Can I Pet Your Dog podcast every Tuesday on Maximum Fun Network. Hey, I'm Janet Varney, host of the JV Club podcast. Ah, high school. Was it a time of adventure, romance, and discovery? Class of 95, we did it! Or a time of angst, disappointment, and confusion? We're all tied together by four years of trauma at this place, but enjoy adulthood,

I guess. The truth is, it was both. So join me on the JV Club podcast where I invite some great friends like Kristen Bell, Angela Kinsey, Oscar Nunez, Neil Patrick Harris, and Keegan-Michael Key to talk about high school, the good, the bad, and everything in between. My teenage mood swings are getting harder to manage. The JV Club. Find it on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I want to address the question of Walton Noggins.

Please. I have not actually talked to him about this, so I should probably talk to him before he listens to this episode. But I have this idea. Our friend Ben Harrison is a real cocktail enthusiast. He used to do a – still sometimes does a cocktail podcast called Let's Drink About It with our friend Chris Bowman. And I bet that, you know, you put it out there that you wanted to know what Walton Noggins was. Right. Without thinking too much about practically how it

would be done. Yeah. I bet we could make Ben Harrison make the different possibilities for Walton Noggins and have a segment where he actually drinks the Walton Nogginses. I think that'd be great. Okay.

Everyone would like that. Now that I've the secreted that out into the world, rather than directly asking one of my best friends. I think he'll do it. I think he'll do it. We'll find a time and we'll do a full Walton Noggins segment. If you win the Walton Noggins, I mean, that's what I would call a momentous occasion. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us for our segment momentous occasions. Our phone number 206-984-4FUN. You can also send a voice memo to JJGO at MaximumFun.org. Our producer Brian Sonny D. Fernandez has selected a few such calls.

Let's listen to one. Hello, this is Will and I'm calling out of vermont i got a company that makes uh hot spiced apple cider concentrate and this time of year we're usually pretty busy so i've been listening to a lot of max fun podcasts so thank you for that my momentous occasion is uh yesterday i got Yesterday, I got an order for 100 jugs of our cider from none other than Sweet James. I'm hoping that they plan to use them for client gifts as opposed to something more sexual in nature. Anyway, thanks for keeping me going during the busy season here. Sweet James is like, fuck your quarantine. I'm having a spice cider bacchanalia.

No masks allowed. So yeah, Sweet James is a local billboard lawyer that I think Brian researched to also have something of a sex dungeon in his house.

Yeah, he's pumped about his sex dungeon. He sex dungeon in his house. So just to give a little background. Yeah, he's pumped about his sex dungeon. He shares it in the press. Right. I don't know how that would come up in an interview about being a lawyer, but he found a way. I want to be clear that I was not, when I was laughing as this call was playing, I was not laughing at this man for having a cider concentrate jug business in Vermont. I was laughing because that seems wonderful to me.

That is so good it could be the plot of a Lifetime Christmas movie. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Sure. He's like, I make cider in a town that outlawed Christmas. Yeah, well, when a big city lawyer came to town with a huge order. Played by Dean Cain. Yeah, Dean Cain plays. Dean Cain as Sweet James. As Sweet James.

I mean, you know, I listen. Sweet James, he's a pillar of the community. I would like it if he would shop local. I don't know, you know, why he's going to Vermont for his cider, but, you know, I'm not going to get into it here. I'll just, strongly worded letter. I mean, you don't have to, it's not like you have to keep it in Los Angeles. If you went to Carlsbad, for example, I could forgive that. Yeah. But to go all the way across the country for your spiced cider concentrate jugs? Mm-hmm.

Oh. Do you think anybody ever says to that caller, do you think anybody says, nice jugs? I hope so. Yeah. Seems like a missed opportunity if they don't. Something maybe just another kind of buried funny thing about this is that does sweet james use sweet james as his name for like the mailing address like how did this guy know his autofill on chrome just yeah sweet first name sweet last name James.

Sweet James Sipowitz or whatever it is. Man, what if Sweet James was the son of Detective Sipowitz from NYPD Blue? I mean, I think people would freak the fuck out, Jesse. Yeah, I mean, that would be some wild shit. People would not stop freaking out. That would be like when you find out that Paul Giamatti's dad was the commissioner of baseball. What? Oh, fuck. What? Holy shit. Yeah.

And Janice from The Sopranos is John Turturro's sister. Oh my god. Fuck! Oh my god. Shit! Oh. And on NYPD Blue, they showed Jimmy Smits' butt. Oh, my God.

So take that into account. Fuck. People are probably flipping their lids. Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan. This is Josh from Chicago. Calling on a momentous occasion. I just saw magic eyeosters for the first time.

I guess I never had them growing up or anything. And I was babysitting, and we were flipping through our books. I got them to work, and she was wonderful. It was awesome. Things were popping out of the cage. There were fish and dogs, and it was just great. That's all. Thanks.

This guy just now in 2020. This guy just found out about magic eye blisters. We should somebody mail this man a slap bracelet and blow his fucking mind. That's literally what I was going to say, Jordan. Or what about those things that go clack, clack, clack? You know, it's like two balls. Right, the businessman balls.

Yeah, but not the businessman balls yeah but not no not the businessman ones the ones with a handle that are made of plastic that you get at the science museum gift store yeah and then you kind of go up and down colors yeah yeah exactly yeah that's what man you know what though hmm he's not lying those fucking magic Eye posters are cool as shit. It's amazing. It's totally amazing. How did they get the third dimension in there? I still remember the day when I finally saw the one hanging at Aaron Plotkin's house. Oh, my God.

Plotkin's was one of the greatest ones of all time. It was a sailboat, Jesse. Really nice jugs on that sailboat, too. Yeah. Big natural jugs on that sailboat jesse really nice jugs on that sailboat too yeah big natural jugs on that sailboat it was it was uh sailing from the caribbean to uh the the american northeast with jugs of rum by the way right right right big natural jugs not synthetic jugs no we're natural yeah um let's take one more why don't we take one more hi jordan jesse and guest um this is my momentous occasion uh so last, on this day, I was working at a tea shop.

And during my shift, I got robbed at gunpoint. And it was incredibly traumatizing and really a horrifying experience, life-changing in many ways. Um, and on this day, the anniversary of that, um, horrible event, I decided I would go back to the tea shop where I no longer work, um, because it was too difficult, uh, facing that work every day. Um, but I decided I would go back and I would, uh, you know, put on my mask and stand six feet away from everybody and talk with the owner, have a chat, buy some tea, and rebuild positive memories of that place. And I'm really glad I did that today. I had a wonderful time just going back there and talking with the the owner and the employees and the people who i care about um because they really are like family to me and um i'm just really glad that

i got to go there and have a nice experience and essentially say fuck you to the asshole who decided to point a gun at me me because he can't control my life and he can't control what that space means to me. So fuck you, asshole with the gun. And here's to healing. Thanks very much. Love you all. Love you too.

Good for you. Yeah, that's awesome. What a badass move. Wow. Heck, heck yeah. That's really you. Yeah, that's awesome. What a badass move. Wow. Heck, heck yeah. That's really cool. Yeah, it's very scary, I imagine, having a gun pointed. I've had a few knives pointed at me and it fucking horrified me.

Can I recommend CBT? Cock and ball torture. Can be really helpful in situations like this if you do trauma-aware cock and ball torture. Right. Or cognitive behavioral therapy. Either one. Whichever one is covered by your insurance. Good options.

Two really rock-solid possibilities there. What's your favorite tea, Jordan Darjeeling? Oh, you know know I have been loving I have been loving a mint or a peppermint tea lately it's so refreshing you know no caffeine kick gonna surprise you

in the middle of the day just a nice tea that is a really nice tea you like a jasmine tea I like a jasmine tea okay yeah jasmine is nice. Sure. I have not known you to be a tea guy. Are you currently a tea guy?

I'm an occasional tea guy. I mean, sometimes you got to order something if you're not a coffee drinker. Sure. So you just have a tea. I actually like various black teas a lot. I can't really drink them for headache reasons. But my stepmother's Irish, so there's a lot of tea drinking going on in my house when I was a kid. But you know what?

I have to say, I really like an oolong. Sure, that's a great tea. One of the greats. I agree. If I'm making tea Rushmore, Oolong's up there. And I'm going to put Peppermint up there too, buddy. Hey, thanks, man. Thank you for putting one of my favorite teas up on tea Rushmore. You know what, though? I like that so much, I'm not going to tell the Doughboys we're stealing their segment.

what though and i like that so much i'm not gonna tell the dope boys we're stealing their segments if something momentous happens to you 206-984-4 fun is the telephone number jj go at maximum fun dot org is the email address you can send us a voice memo we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, it's been a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun with our friend Jonah Ray.

Ah, we sure did. Hawaii's favorite son. Yes, one of the best guys yeah world-class guy uh we had a lot of fun uh talking tea spilling the tea spilling the tea as they say you got it buddy we we did not uh manage to come up with the name of that thing that has a handle with the two balls that clack together and it looks like it's changing colors when you go clack clack clack clack clack clack clack by pumping it up and down. Oh, sorry.

I remember what it's called. CBT. Yes. Gotta torture those balls by clacking them. Yeah, clack clack clack clack clack clack clack. Nasty balls. Hey, I know this is usually the place where we let our guest plug. Since that's already happened, maybe I can list a few independent bookstores and comic book stores where people are pre-ordering the Bubble graphic novel.

Love it. This is the graphic novel that you and our friend sarah morgan wrote it is based on the hit podcast that you created called bubble it is a humorous sci-fi world where everything takes place under a bubble where the sort of bubble of uh of fancy young adult urbanity is a literal bubble in a terrifying wasteland. If people haven't listened to the podcast, get your fucking act together. But it's now a graphic novel and pre-orderable. Pre-orderable. And a lot of people are doing it through their local indie bookstore or comic bookstore,

which is a super awesome way to do it. You can get it from various online retailers as well, but I think this is a pretty dynamite way to do it. I've heard River Run Books in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Porter Square Books in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Phantom of the Attic Comics in Pittsburgh, PA, Bridge City Comics in Portland. Ah, we finally got to Portland.

I was fucking, I was reading the Riot Act a couple weeks ago because nobody from Portland had got at me telling me they had pre-ordered. And I'm like, this city has,

that city has two things, has three things. One, riffs on classic American comfort food. Yeah. Two, Jordan Jesse Go listeners. Sure. Three, things one riffs on classic american comfort food yeah two jordan jesse go listeners sure three indie bookstores and comic book stores yeah so bridge city comics in portland for the great clyde the glide drexler yes of course a riff on classic american comfort food himself yeah exactly

uh the bookmark shop in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Again, another place that I was mad we hadn't heard from yet. So the Bookmark Shop in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Way to go. Tidal Wave Books in Anchorage, Alaska. Third Street Books in McMinnville, Oregon. Oh, here's a good one. This is fun to say.

You guys are going to like this. From Long Beach, California. Of course, we all love to shop at page against the machine which i think is mainly an anarchist bookstore but you can pre-order bubble there because they're the best fucking anarchist bookstore in long beach yeah page against the machine page against the machine uh proud lion comics in a british city that i will have a hard time pronouncing sure just say lester pawn marley bone yeah i mean kethelenham gloucester sure i don't think i fucked that up too bad. And of course, Destiny City Comics in Tacoma, Washington. A lot of fine places that you can pre-order. Bubble, if you've pre-ordered it from your local shop and you want me to shout them out, let me know.

Hit me up on any social media. Why aren't people pre-ordering this book in San Francisco? We had one in San Francisco. Where's Green Apple Books? Where's Forest Books? We got one from Bird and Beckett. That's not a real bookstore. Yeah, you're right.

I just made it up. Come on. Where's people buying from Adobe Books? Yeah, come on, guys. Get your acts together. Gee whiz. Look, I heard that Aardvark Book closed, and we're all sad about Aardvark books, but come on, get your act together.

Bubble, pre-order it. Let us know where. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Very kind of them to let us share their wonderful music on our program. You can find us on Reddit, maximumfun.red on our program. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com

You can find us on Facebook, where you can join the Maximum Fun Facebook group and like Jordan Jesse Go. You can find us on Instagram, where Jordan is Jordan David Morris, is that what it is? Jordan David Morris, yeah. I had to add my middle name because of the soccer

guy, and I regret it. I shouldn't have done that. I should have done a number or something. Anyway, whatever. I had to add my middle name because of the soccer guy, and I regret it. I shouldn't have done that. I should have done a number or something. Anyway, whatever. Fuck it, right? Who cares? Yeah, like Horny Jordan Morris or something like that. Yes, Horny for Chicken Sando, Jordan Morris.

Horny for Sando. I'm put.this.on on Instagram. You can also follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris and with the hashtag JJ Go. I think that's everything.

That's all the things. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.