Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 667: The Shark in the Room with David Hayter

Episode Date: December 20, 2020

David Hayter (Warrior Nun on Netflix, voice of King Shark on The Flash and  Solid Snake in Metal Gear Solid) joins Jordan and Jesse to fill out our King Shark Voiceover Actor Hat Trick! They talk about the extreme toll that playing King Shark takes on David's voice, how a gorgeous spinning back kick landed David in some trouble at a Yakuza bar in Japan, and a recent news story that makes everyone rethink their conception of Santa and his powers. Plus, David is a writer/producer on the new Netflix show Warrior Nun that was a huge success on Netflix this summer! Check it out! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dr. Fauci. Hello, Jordan. Oh no, oh no. Infectious disease expert, Dr. Anthony Fauci. Dr. Fauci, I just came back from my little fucking walk. It's back.

I'm back from my walk, and I have great news for you, Jordan. Oh, Fauci, you've been a beloved character on the show for the past few months. America's doctor, Dr. Fauci from the Washington Nationals. Well, you did throw out the first pitch that one time, and you didn't do great, but you got out there, and that's what's important. All right, Dr. Fauci. I know Steven Strasberg.

I don't imagine you will. The Washington Nationals, Jordan. So what's your big news, Dr. Fauci? I invented a vagine. The vagine? Vagine. I'm coming to put a vagine in you. Oh, have you only seen the word vaccine written? Have you never heard it out loud? I'm a doctor. I went to science college and I'm bringing you a vagine. I'm going to stick you with it. I think it's typically pronounced vaccine, but I mean, yeah, you know, listen, I'm not, I'm no infectious disease expert. You're the infectious disease expert.

I couldn't be more thrilled to travel town to town in my Vagene roadshow. Oh, wow. So this is going to be like a Pete's Dragon situation? Are you going to do it like traveling medicine show, turn of the century style? It is a Pete's Dragon situation. I'm going to be traveling from town to town with Robert Redford. Oh. From the remake of Pete's Dragon.

Oh, okay, from the remake of Pete's Dragon. Which was really beautiful. I found it very moving. Very different from the animated live action combo film from the 70s the one i'm familiar with but uh more people are familiar with it but they should get familiar with the robert redford one it's beautiful so you and redford traveled around in a um a wagon of some sort or is it a bus what were you in we're gonna be in a bus but from time to time it breaks down and we have to take the wagon.

And then we, you know, people line up and we stick them with the vachine. So, okay. So you're just, so people, do they have to make an appointment? Or are you just running around sticking, you know, whoever? You just line up six feet apart. I cup your balls and stick you with the vachine. In the balls? No no in the upper arm okay so you're just cupping the balls for like you're like giving an additional exam i don't know if that's a are there symptoms that would be you know detected by cupping the it's to distract you from when i

stick it to you gotcha and just devil's advocate here again, I'm no infectious disease expert. You are. I am. I'm America's doctor, Dr. Fauci. That's true. So what about people who need the vaccine? What if they don't have balls? What do they not get the vaccination?

Is there something else you can do to distract them? Just I'm just. John, don't worry. I'll cup whatever you please. He'll cup whatever you please. Well, uh, thank you. Gosh, thank you so much, Dr. Fauci. I mean, no matter what you, what you call the thing, I think we're all just real excited that vaccine or the vaccine is, is coming and you know, that there's a, there's a, there's a road to normalcy that we can now, you know, get on and look down. So, yeah, how do we, you know, where,

is there a schedule? You know, is there a way to find you? Yes, of course. First of all, stop by my neighborhood when I'm taking my little fucking walk. Second of all, visit my website,

which is www.thefouch.biz Alright, fouch.biz. And Jordan? Yes? Please call me The Fouch. And you have an OnlyFans too now, right? I am an OnlyFans with member-exclusive

content of The Fouch. Wow. Yeah, well, people will have to subscribe to that. that and of course you can see me in florida in february when pitches and catches report for the washington nationals i may i might be wrong but i don't think you're on the team i think they just let you throw out that pitch and and you you did a a bad job i mean i'm you know, it's not your thing. You're not a pitcher. Strike three, Jordan. You're out. Yeah. I mean, again, I'm not a, I don't follow the, I don't follow MLB that closely. So close the vouch.

Amazing. Well, goodbye. I got a telephone call from President-elect Joseph Biden. Oh, that's fun. He wants to talk about the vaccine. It's great that you guys are keeping in touch. You guys are communicating. That's fun. He wants to talk about the vaccine. It's great that you guys are keeping in touch. You guys are communicating. That's great. Oh, we call all the time.

We talk about anything, whatever you please. Wow. So Biden's just up at all hours and he's looking to gab? He'll call me at three o'clock in the morning and say, you won't believe what I've been watching lately. And I'll say, what is it, Joseph? And he'll say, I've been watching How To with John Wilson on HBO Max. It's remarkable. The whole thing's composed of verite footage of New York

City. It's very meditative. Yeah, it's meditative, but it's also hilarious. That's what Joseph told me. Dr. Jill told him to watch. And are you still doing it? Have you made it through the Queen's Gambit yet? Oh, I love it. It's a chess show. Sure is. I've heard. I haven't seen it, but I know people are crazy for it. It's a streaming chess show, Jordan. You've got to watch it. This queen is up to anything. Whenever you please.

I'm doing The Sopranos. I never did The Sopranos. That's kind of what I'm on now, but after that's done, you know. Honestly, I've never heard of it. Oh, yeah, it's good. It changed television, they say. Oh, well, I give that to Peyton's Place. Oh, I don't think I know what that is. Is it a football movie?

What am I thinking of? That's Walter Peyton's reality show from the early 90s. Oh, Brian's. I'm thinking of Brian's song for some reason. I don't know why I equated the two. Yeah. Sorry, I meant Yeah. Oh, okay. Your voice changed there for a little Yeah. Sorry, I meant... Yeah! Oh, okay. Your voice changed there for a little bit, Fauci.

Briefly, it did, yes. Anyway, I have to go. Joseph is calling me. Bye! Goodbye! Brian, insert jetpack noise. Wow, it was... It's the only way the Fouch gets around, George. Yeah, well, I guess a bus and a wagon, too.

But yeah, when he's not lugging around Vachine that has to be stored at a certain ultra-low temperature, I guess he can just go puttering around on the pack. Yeah, exactly. Boy, that was great. It's nice to hear from America's doctor, huh? Always great to see Fauci again. For any new listeners, that was a running segment on the show. God. Maybe it would make sense if you had heard past episodes, but also maybe not. Hey, and if there are any new listeners, we want to say you're welcome for confirming your doubts about whether you should listen to this show at all.

You're like, well, I didn't really care for that promo I heard on My Brother, My Brother and Me, but I'll give it a shot and see if they open with a bullshit barrage of 15 minutes of inside jokes in a very difficult to listen to voice. Jesse, before we go any further, I want to talk about our guest today and how excited we are. This is going to be a thrilling time on Jordan, Jesse Go. I mean, this is our Halcyon days. Sure. What does Halcyon mean? I've seen that, but I guess I don't even know where it comes from.

Couldn't tell you. Halcyon days. Could not tell you. It sounds like a period in Roman history where there was a lot of orgies. I'm pretty sure it's a type of column. It's like a beautiful column. I can picture it in my mind. Ah, those Halcyon columns.

Anyway. Yeah, they're distinguished by their unusual pediments. Okay, well, I think we've figured it out. It's a column under which you could have a Grecian orgy. Yeah, exactly. It has a little bit of shade so the orgy doesn't get too hot. So we... Jordan, it's me, the Fouch.

Oh, he's back. Halcyon is characterized by happiness, great success, and prosperity. Oh, that's good. And it has nothing to do with ancient Greece or architecture or anything? No, I've done those things and the word never came up. Oh, okay. All right. Thanks, Fauci.

Brian. Goodbye. Brian, insert horse running noise. Goodbye. Okay. So one of our most beloved guests on this show is Steve Agee, a great comic actor who we were thrilled to learn had been cast as the DC Comics character King Shark in the upcoming Suicide Squad movie. That got me thinking. We have had another guest who has also played the DC Comics character King Shark.

That's Ron Funches. He plays it in the really funny HBO Max show Harley Quinn. And it just my mind was blown that we have had two two different guests who have played this same like pretty deep cut villain that, you know, he's not the Joker. He's not Lex Luthor. He's he's King Shark. to name everyone knows like right for example firestorm the nuclear man for example to bring up one example he's no vandal savage he's not out here's no you know like kids carry around vandal savage lunch boxes sure so we kind of put out a call like has we want to have every king shark on on the show at some point and our listeners let us know that uh that there is a very prominent King Shark out there. The man who plays him on The Flash, the CW Flash series, is a beloved voice actor who also played – and this is a big one for me. He also played Snake in the Metal Gear Solid franchise. And in addition to that is a beloved screenwriter

uh has done movies like x-men x-men 2 uh and the uh netflix series warrior nun uh he's here with us today by fan demand uh david hater david hater welcome to the show gentlemen thank you so much for having me i can't can't believe i'm following such august company as Dr. Fauci. I mean, it was an honor for all of us. I think we're all in a bit of a halcyon situation. Exactly. So let's just start with the shark in the room. Sure.

David, what is it like playing King Shark? And have you seen other interpretations of the character on film? Yeah, I have seen, well, I've seen the Harley Quinn show, and that's an excellent King Shark. I have not seen him in Suicide Squad. I don't think anybody has yet. But a funny story. Somebody said, hey, I think James Gunn is going to put King Shark into the movies. You should let him know that you're the voice.

And so I happen to know James Gunn because I'm a fancy Hollywood insider. David, you don't need to explain that to us. Of course, of course. We're also Hollywood insiders. We know Dr. Fauci. Of course, you're right. From the Washington Nationals. Sure.

This is an insider's insider show. From the Washington Nationals. And here's an exclusive from the upcoming Magic Mike 3. Yeah. Wow, he's really taken his fandom seriously. Yeah, he's taking it and running with it. Yeah. So I sent James Gunn a message and I said, hey, James, it's David.

So I sent James Gunn a message and I said, hey, James, it's David. You know, I don't know if you know, but I play King Shark on the Flash in, you know, in case you're going to use him in the movie. And he was like, great. And then I never heard from him again. That classic Hollywood tale. It went great. He was so excited to hear the job that I used to do until his movie killed it. Well, I mean, you're at least top three King Sharks, right? I'm in the top three of all King Shark actors. That's right. It must have been a relief in a way, because I have heard that heavy hangs the head that bears

the shark head. The shark crown. Yes. It's well. well okay so the second part of your question was what's it like to play king shark it's extraordinarily painful uh as the so the guy i'm playing in in the flash is nine feet tall and so his voice the voice that i do is essentially where's the flash and wow it's so painful to do that if i do it for 25 minutes i lose my voice for days like literally i like the idea that king shark is a character from the dc universe who's always chasing the flash but because of the flash is so fast yeah the flash like run somewhere and then it cuts to king shark in the last place the flash was going where's the flash yeah that's my that's why it's my catchphrase like that giant guy with the

big mouth in the muppet movie what's that guy called oh yeah sweetums sweetums like sweetums he's like the dc universe's sweetums yeah. If you've ever seen the show with my character in it, he's always like chasing the Flash and then they get into water and then the Flash electrocutes him. And that's pretty much how it goes every single time. But King Shark's brain is the size of a walnut. So he, he never really learns. Yeah. How do you like train your voice to do that? Is there like a soothing technique? Is there,

are there, is there teas? How do you, how do you take care of your voice from after doing that? Yeah. After doing it, I, I have to,

I mean, literally the last time I did it, I couldn't speak for three days and it's really damaging. So I'm, I'm glad I didn't do the movie frankly james gun if that is your real name um i uh jimmy gun jimmy gun that's right sorry i know him as jimmy we're pretty yeah yeah yeah so um yeah i do teas and honey and lemon and you know know, just sort of enjoy that. The damage that my $900 job brought about for me. That's guild minimum. Voice over session.

For king sharking. For any man shark with over five lines. It doesn't, the species doesn't really enter anyway. Oh, okay. Yeah.'t, the species doesn't really enter anyway, but yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. Well, that's nice. You know, that's nice that the guild isn't discriminating on the basis of what kind of

man-human hybrid you are. No, it doesn't even come up. Jordan, why would they discriminate? It's the Man Shark Guild. Oh. It's true. The MSG. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, there's three of us in it. You guys have a little mixer during the during the holidays yeah the pension plan is horrible uh david we have we have a question we've been asking our guests lately that i i definitely want to want to hear your answer for okay um and that is uh where did you where did you grow up and where where did teens go to be bad in that town we've had a lot of interesting uh answers we've god what have we had we've i mean obviously the the gold standard is a uh is a christian teen club called jc pineapples jc standing for jesus christ pineapples, of course, being a particularly festive fruit.

Sure. We've had a punk house that had a furry in it for some reason. A drive-in porno theater. Lots of... Oh! And Tawny Newsome had the all-ages club where Papa Roach got their start.

A lot of illustrious answers uh does anything come to mind you know when i say where did your where did the teens from your youth go to like smoke and roll dice or whatever oh yeah well tough competition but i think i have a pretty unique answer um i grew up uh all over the world i we moved all the time because my dad worked for a big biotech company. We got moved everywhere. So I grew up in California and Colorado and Arizona and Toronto and Montreal. But when I was 16, we moved to Kobe, Japan. And, you know, in Japan in the 80s, if you were a 17-year-old, 16-year-old,

nobody checked your ID because you're a foreigner and they couldn't 80s if you were a 17 year old 16 year old nobody checked your id uh because you're a foreigner and they they couldn't tell how old you were so we used to go to a nightclub called vink which was run by the the yakuza by the japanese mafia what and yeah yeah and i was take that jc pineapples take that yeah bad news for you, early Papa Roach. Yeah, so we would go to this club, and I knew the Yakuza managers and owners and everybody pretty well. So they would actually let me go behind the bar and bartend, and we would dance with the Yakuza mobster girls,

and I guarantee you it was wilder than JCc pineapples what did you bar what did you make when you were bartending at the yakuza bar like old fashions no would they do no they do like they had standard drinks like moscow mules which is just vodka and ginger ale and you know rum and cokes you know beers stuff like that and if i couldn't make it i just called the regular bartender and he he'd make it, I'd just call the regular bartender and he'd make it for me. But they all thought it was hilarious that a 16-year-old, 17-year-old guy, Gene,

was serving drinks. I have to say, David, if I had a Yakuza bar, and I don't. Well, you say that now. Wink, wink. If I did, and a 17-year-old David Hayter walked in, I'd hand him some sleeve garters and tell him to start muddling some herbs because this is a mixology establishment. That's right.

That's right. I didn't cut off 74 fingers last year to have some commoners drink. I demand that there be rosemary in my beverage. That's right. The old fashionists of old fashion. Did it ever get rough in there? Did shit go down while you were in there? No. You know, the Yakuza guys wouldn't really act up in their own club

but we did and so there was one time where my a couple of friends of mine were getting into a fistfight over something rather and i was a big i'd studied karate in in japan and so i pulled them aside pulled them into the bathroom and i was like look you guys you're gonna make this up or i'm gonna kick the shit out of both of you and to illustrate how i would do that i threw this beautiful spinning back kick and put a hole through the the door of this toilet stall so it was made and it was made it was made of you know like this cheap wood and i put my foot right through it and knocked it off. I was like, oh my God. So I go, I go get the manager who I know.

And I'm like, look, I'm so sorry that I did this. We'll pay for it. So on and so forth. So a couple of days later, my dad gets this call from this guy, um, who I have neglected to inform him is with the Yakuza. And, and he says, your son put a hole through this door and we need you to pay for it and it's $10,000. Whoa. So my dad, again, not knowing he's speaking to the Japanese mafia,

says, well, I tell you what, I'll give you $1,000 and I won't tell the police that you're serving underage gaijin in your bar. So the guy says, okay, that's fine. And so I go down. My dad was an intimidating character in his own right. And so I go down to the club and I bring the thousand bucks and I give it to him. He's like, okay, well, we appreciate you taking care of this, so on and so forth. The next week I go back to the club.

The door has been rehung with duct tape put over the hole where my foot went through. A thousand dollars worth of duct tape. over the hole where my foot went through. $1,000 worth of duct tape. Correct. Wow. So that was one night, I think. David, I absolutely 100% imagined you doing the sweet back kick, putting a hole through the bathroom door, and then when you went back to the bar to talk to the manager, I imagined you dragging the door around your ankle to the guy. That is a much better image.

Oh, my foot got stuck. Yeah, that is a much better image. It was still hanging on by one hinge, so I was unable to drag it with me. David, can you still do a spinning back kick? I can, but it'll be more dangerous to your knees than to your face at this point. I can't raise my foot up six feet anymore. That would be actually more dangerous for me because my knees are how I make my money. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No. Well, a lot of people. Well, certain people. That's how it is. Yeah. Jordan is the constant gardener from the movie The Constant Gardener. Oh, yeah. No. Well, a lot of people. Well, certain people. That's how it is. Yeah. Jordan is the constant gardener from the movie The Constant Gardener. Oh, my God. Did you see that movie? So much gardening.

Yeah. Whole time, practically. Yeah. Basically the whole time. Endless. Yeah. Ridiculous. So did I win? You did. You won. Congratulations. JCPineapple. Fucking pound pound sand. Suck shit, drive-in porno theater. Yeah, Georgia teens finger-blasting each other is nothing compared to you dragging that door around my ankle. To the manager of the Yakuza club. I actually think that was a part that you added, Jesse.

That's true, but it's now a part of the story um yeah a buddy of mine who was who was a major martial artist second degree black belt he got so drunk he was sitting on the balcony uh railing on the second floor at the bank at this club and he told a joke and he was cracking up and he fell backwards off of the rail and dropped down to the floor below onto a couch and landed on his feet between, you know, a Japanese cup and was fine. And that's the sort of thing that used to happen. I feel like there's a point in martial arts skill. Like, I know that in most martial arts, I don't know if this is true of all, but in most martial arts, you know, one of the disciplines you learn is that you learn that you're learning the martial arts in order to avoid violence rather than embrace it. Yeah, occasionally.

But like maybe from my perspective as a guy who doesn't know how to kick somebody, I mean like I could kick somebody in the shin. Sure. But I don't know how to do any sweet kicks is what I'm talking about. If I knew how to do sweet kicks, all I would be able to think about is, God, I wish someone wouldn't give me any reason to do a sweet kick right now. Like any reason at all like i would be walking around with like a t-shirt that said like fuck me fuck you yeah right you know or whatever um yeah yeah well look look that's yes the the platonic ideal is that you never use it unless you really, really have to. But when you're 17, I mean, I had,

I, like I say, I'd moved around all my life. I'd been picked on since I was, I don't know, eight years old. That was the first time I got beat up was I was eight years old and we lived in Littleton, Colorado. I didn't know what the Broncos were. And that was apparently a severe, how dare you reach of etiquette. So, um, it's a car's a car right yeah it turned out to be a like a suv oh cool um so i once i learned how to fight uh once i learned how to fight well i did go through a period from about 17 to 21 where i was just like anybody anybody wants um know, here you go. Just let me know and I will deliver a sweet kick to your areas. Wow. One of our best buddies from college, Jim Rayal, who's appeared on this show many times over the years as Jim Rayal, the master of Would You Rather.

Oh, yeah, sure. Jim Rayal. Jim Rayal, sure, yeah. Jim, when we were in college, went through this period where he got really into Jeet Kune Do Bruce Lee's martial art and Jim is the most genial and least objectionable human being on earth like just a man with a smile for everyone nothing but golden kindness in his heart and I remember him just like sitting on the quad in our college, staring off into the middle distance. And I'd look at him and I'd say, Jim, what are you thinking about, buddy?

And he'd say, well, I just wish a motherfucker would, you know. Just if one person would make me fight them. Just if one person would jump me in an alley. Yeah. Then he just skipped stones across a pond. Yeah, exactly. I feel that. I certainly went through that period.

So, yeah. So, you know, usually when you talk to people who are into the arts, as you are, David, as we are, like, you know, the typical story is like, oh, you know, when I was in, you know, junior high or high school, I discovered, you know, plays or the, you know, the choir at church or something like that. And that's what got me into performing. Were you like also doing that early performing stuff while you were karate kicking in Yakuza bars or did the performance stuff come later? Yeah, no, I started when I was I was nine nine years old we lived in el toro california and every time we went to a new city my mother would join these uh local theater troops and she saw an ad for a kid's production of pinocchio and said i should audition for it so i did and i i got a part and then um and then i was hooked and so i I would do high school plays, things like that.

I produced and starred in high school plays. And then when I was 17, I worked. This is stupid, but I worked as a model in Japan. And so I was doing. So embarrassing. It's embarrassing. We all have skeletons in our closet, David. I didn't want to, but my extreme good looks, you know, it was a road I was forced to go down.

You had no choice. I had no choice. People were just coming after me all the time. So I actually did. So I did like Japanese commercials when we lived there. And, you know, I'm like magazine spreads. And I also did this video game company came to our school. It was international school and needed four English speakers to do voices for video games for mid 80s arcade games.

And so I was one of those guys. You are the titular golden axe. I am not sure how to respond to that. I don't know what your implication is but i think you should meet me behind the school at noon oh no you're titular yeah so what do you remember the games what were the arcade game i i don't i'm sorry it's an unsatisfying end i don't remember what the actually i don't think they ever told us what the games were they just said you know be an army guy or be a space pilot or or whatever so yeah i think that that's i think like the story you hear about a lot of like early video games that tried to incorporate like acting

is that you know it didn't they didn't have a director so it was just people saying things into a microphone without any like context or you know knowledge about their character so that's why up until you know not that long ago video game voiceovers were the fucking weirdest most wrong things in history yeah i'm i'm bummed that david like we i was looking at uh at david's curriculum vitae uh before he came on the show and I'm pretty bummed that his major video game work started at the end of the 90s. Because I know that when I was in arts high school in San Francisco in the mid 90s,

every one of my teachers who was an actor, they worked in two areas. One was on episodes of nash bridges which shot in san francisco and uh the other was in full motion video cd-rom games uh like every cd-rom every every game company was putting out video games that had 10% game, 80% 12-second tiny postage stamp-sized full-motion video. And they were all just being shot by a video game guy in San Mateo with some actors that he saw in a local production in San Francisco. And it was truly, truly a magical time no doubt i actually did do video games in the early and mid 90s they just weren't big enough parts to merit my curriculum

vitae i was a pilot in mech warrior 2 and oh cool did all sorts of stuff like that yeah is is it are there like people who know you for different things like obviously like solid snake is huge for me but are there people who don't know about solid snake but know about this other thing that you did as far as i can dis discern nobody doesn't know about solid snake everyone does know about him i i've written i've written these giant movies and it is eclipsed by Snake. It dominates my entire life. But there are people that are fans of some of the anime things that I did.

I played the lead in Castle of Cagliostro, which is Hayao Miyazaki's debut feature. And, you know, just stuff like that. So there's little things that that affect people but but snake is by far the the the most overshadowing part i ever did david i i was checking out your wikipedia page and i was really struck by uh the final section in in your career which is oh god is it over idol master cinderella girls general election idol master cinderella girls general election yeah so a lot a lot of folks uh a lot of folks of course already know about this

most folks i would say already know about this but for people who need a little background like star wars in in late april 2019 non-japanese fans of the c the Cinderella Girls sub-series of Bandai Namco Entertainment's Idolmaster franchise started pairing the then-unvoiced Brazilian character Natalia with Solid Snake. Solid Snake, of course, being our guest David Hayter. That's right. April 2019, Canadian YouTuber Mahado, a fan of the series, released a video in which Hater reprised his role as Solid Snake to urge players to vote for Natalia in the 2019 Cinderella Girls, say it with me all together, general election. Yes, general election. With audio by Pepsi Johnny and Japanese subtitles by the Pascal Pama. Pepsi, Pepsi Johnny. Sure. Love that guy. Yeah.

Anyway, long story short, Natalia placed ninth in the overall preliminary rankings and third in the passion idol rankings. Wow. I really had quite an impact there. Yeah. I mean,

she was on, she was on target for 12th overall and fifth in passion idol until you got involved. Oh yeah. Well, it's not something i recall but i'm i'm happy it went well i have no idea what you're talking about don't worry neither do i jesse have you been going in and making random changes to our guests

wikipedia page yes i have um i have something that i would like to bring before the group if that's okay please yeah please jordan so so david do you have kids that you're having to plan holiday stuff for at the moment as far as i know i have one kid um and she is a 16 year old daughter uh and yes we are planning our christmas although we're none of us are too sentimental about that sort of thing so it's it's you know just basically tree some presents i don't know peg nog nog a little nog yeah shout out to nog yeah we're this we we basically have a month of nog talk Talk on the show on either side of Christmas. And it's fucking premium Nog. It's not grocery store brand Nog.

It's the kind that comes in a glass bottle. Listen, I think any beverage made with eggs deserves recognition. Yeah, from Nog to Orange Julius. That's right. You learned that as a Yakuza bartender. Those guys love a whiskey sour, right? With a little, yeah, with a little,

ah, shit, there was a drink made with raw eggs and I can't remember what it is now. Isn't it whiskey sour with raw eggs? Am I wrong about that?

I could be wrong about that. You are wrong about, well, I don't know, maybe there's a version where you make up with that, but whiskey sour is basically just whiskey and sour.

Oh boy, all right. Jordan, you're thinking of a vodka and orange Julius. Oh, right and sour. Oh, boy. All right. Jordan, you're thinking of a vodka and orange Julius. Oh, right. Yes. Right. Yeah. It's called a mall bender.

You have one at the mall and just fucking go wild, tear up Spencer's gift. Yeah. Janet Varney was a water bender. There we go. Now we're talking. A mall bender. Right. One of the lesser characters from Avatar. Well we're talking. Maulbender. Right. One of the lesser characters from Avatar.

One of the lesser powers, certainly. Yeah. There's a firebending, waterbending, and of course maulbending. It's when... Maulbending. You can make a forever 21 at will. I can conjure a hot dog on a stick. Oh, do you know that?

Dare to defy me? Well, now you face my lidsids you know the hot dog on the stick uniform yes you've all seen that famous iconic like this crazy yes so my favorite thing was was going up to people that worked at the hot dog on the stick and saying excuse me do you work here that is a solid piece of like teen business. They never appreciated it as much as I think I feel they should have. They're fools. Fools, David. So here's my Christmas question.

What are Santa's powers? That's a good question. That's an good question. That's an excellent question. I saw a news report that basically fucked with everything I thought I knew about Santa and his powers. Right. But I do know that the Santa mythos is something that has been added to and subtracted from over the years. I guess like, like oh the outfit's red because it was on a coke ad and you know like rudolph was added for a montgomery ward you know like promotion he had originally been kind of young and fit and then um i my memory of this

is that sears and roebuck was marketing directly to bears is that correct we need a daddy type we need a thick daddy specifically right well i i look i think there's a few things you can intuit um he obviously has anti-aging powers because he's been around forever right he's got super speed yeah um he can fit down a chimney so he's got got to be able to turn a mist or some sort of physical alteration, like a plastic man or something. I don't know how it works. He can see into the minds and actions of every child in the world, which I think is something we shouldn't take lightly. Right.

And, yeah, I would say that that is the range of powers. I would say, first and foremost, horsemanship. Right. Horsemanship, dearmanship. Yeah. The ability to build a billion toys. Maybe that's the elves. I don't know.

Here's my question for you guys about this, about his power specifically and his powers of horsemanship. So we know that he connects the sleigh to the reindeer yes but we don't know how or where through something with something cat gut or i don't know rubber bands um but he he makes he's extraordinarily good with reindeer is that because he's just good at all like if it was not reindeer if it was horses or kudu or copy you know could he could he or rights or what if it was like goats i think the fact that he makes them fly means that he does something magical to them and maybe that alters their brain yeah that makes sense to me i mean the question is does his magic spell only work on reindeers interesting yeah that is the question but we

don't we don't have any evidence one way or the other seems like it would work on a kudu yeah they're obviously a kudu they're very malleable and uh yes they're very uh they're very open to magic i've heard who among us has not mesmerized a kotie or an ibex yeah an ibex yeah they're they're so close to uh reindeer genetically you'd think that they would fall for that that fairy dust yeah i think so yeah ibex is like they will they will lose so much money on three card monty is that right have you ever been in like downtown LA? Yes. And you're walking down the street, you see a guy selling little aquariums with baby turtles in them. You walk a little further, there's somebody break dancing with a hat out for money. then you you see one of those three card money guys he's set up on a

uh set up on like a uh an ironing table you know he's the ironing board is what they call it traditionally yeah do you do you live in an 80s breaking movie. I've never... And then completely surrounding this guy are just kudu, tossing their money, tossing their money at him, pulling out their purses, throwing big bills, $100 bills, because they think they can beat

the three-card money man. Yeah, they can. It's a scam. Sad. Wow. Sad. Get your head out of your ass, you fucking kudusudos the disappointment of the animal king yeah so here's here's what i heard about here's what i heard about santa okay so i was watching a a local news report on how various um you know how various like industries are adapting to the pandemic and like what they're doing for the holidays. And I saw they,

so they, as part of this package, they talked to a Santa guy. I forget his name, but a guy who's been playing Santa, like all of us, you know, and he looks the part.

He's like one of these guys who like preps all year to play Santa for, you know, a month. I think he's, he's what we call an, an RBS, a real beard Santa. I think in that community, they do differentiate between real beard Santas and fake beard Santas. RBS is...

And he's also what they call a... You mentioned he's a Santa prepper. Yeah, he preps to be Santa and also for a future where the power grid shuts down and the government comes for your guns. I mean, I think the real question is not what are Santa's powers, but what's Santa's everyday carry? Sure. Does he have an assault pen, a tactical pen? A more pressing issue, I think you've hit on there. So he's talking about how this year is different

and all the stuff he's doing this year that he didn't have to do last year. And I think they ask him about what are some of his most cherished memories from playing Santa. And he said, oh, well, whenever I encounter a family that has had a loss that year, I like to tell them, oh, on the way here, I stopped by heaven and I saw your relative and he says he sends best wishes. So how long has Santa been able to visit the afterlife for

i mean santa is everywhere and nowhere yeah and santa's the only creature that can pass the event horizon of the black hole that's right and i guess is that my question immediately came up if santa can visit heaven can santa also visit hell yeah of course i think any supernatural realm is open to the guy you can't shut him out yeah i mean no nothing can contain santa not even the barriers of dimensions who goes there who dares tread in the dark gates of fiery Hades. It's me, Santa. Oh, Satan. Okay, come on in.

Have some cocoa. It's always nice when you stop by. Like, what if Santa brings something back with him? I'm concerned about that. Like, what if a a demon you know tags along on one of the reindeer like office supplies no i'd be thinking like the like the like the flatline exactly i'm worried about a flatliner situation thank you david yeah sure oh is it with the hip references wait yeah look you can't you can't just visit the hori host of the underworld not expect to bring back you know thank you some sort of demonic you know hangers on like a sucker fish right

like a like a satanic remora exactly i also was struck that this guy yeah said i visited your relative in heaven and and they say, best wishes. Like the most casual fucking business sign-off. I know. I visited, well, little boy, I happen to have visited your uncle in heaven, and he says, best of luck, asshole. Good luck to you, kid.

He said, I hope this email finds you well. He said, hang loose for Christmas. He says, later, skater. Don't let the door hit you or the good Lord split you. Yeah, that seems incensed. Yeah. I mean, it is good advice. That's good advice, though.

I think Santa's powers. I think you're looking at incredible pilot skills and horsemanship. That's first and foremost. Number two, certainly has the gift of eternal life, but I wouldn't say anti-aging properties because the guy does not look that good. You know what I mean? Like if you had anti-aging properties, would you be like, ah, to be 68 and rotund again? So you're thinking he has slow aging, that maybe he's like Aragorn.

Like he could be 300 300 but he only looks seven i think he's just has very limited like there's a hard line at 68 and with a red bloom on his cheeks like an alcoholic's complexion sure yeah the the gin blossoms is what they call that is the best he can do yeah i hear that like another like the easter bunny always looks three years old or whatever but santa claus he got to 68 and the whole thing broke down i hate to break this to you but the easter bunny is not real well david you're blowing our minds i'm sorry i'm sorry i didn't mean i would i didn't want to have to be put in a position to tell you but that that's just nonsense sorry this is so crazy um no this is so crazy but like um it seemed for a second like you said the easter bunny isn't real which is of course

i mean that's that's laughable oh no no no you misheard me what i said was the easter bunny is unreal yeah cool oh good okay yeah like the best oh man that guy lays so many fucking eggs that's the thing like a like a platypus wow okay good i'm glad i know these remote recordings are a little tough sometimes sometimes the sound drops out so i think we thought for a second you said no no no okay good thank you ever want to miss now the Easter Bunny, what powers does he have? First of all, the power to be fucking. Okay? That's right.

Yeah, because he's a bunny. Yeah, I think that's probably, yeah. Fucking. Like, look. Sure. That guy is getting it. Sure. Right.

Tilling those baskets. Oh, man. I mean, if you're a potential romantic interest for the easter bunny like a different bunny what other bunny are you gonna turn down the easter bunny to go like sorry i got a date with the the fucking battery rabbit yeah battery rat who are the most famous rabbits you know big bugs bunny he's pretty famous bugs bunny beats him i gotta yeah bugs bunny hey bugs bunny's pretty nasty donnie darko donnie darko sure yeah donnie darko from the well the brown bunny from the movie you went to college in the early 2000s all of the great there are two bunnies all of the hottest oh what about that what about the

jimmy stewart alcoholic bunny harvey yeah oh harvey so there's hey i think that bunny fucks invisible but uh but no less virile there's a lot of bunnies out here fucking now that we yeah now that we've discussed this i take it all back they probably they're probably having a halcyon together right now halcyon day is for the famous seven foot tall bunnies of the world let me just i wish you want to recap maybe before we go to our next segment just recap what we've learned so far yeah thank you jordan uh ibexes are very easy to trick when it comes to games of chance kudus are yeah go ahead kudus excuse me kudus i fucked it ibexes are are are susceptible to the same magic dust. Right.

Yes. Yes. Thank you. I zone out sometimes during this. Mm-hmm. I don't blame you. We've also learned that Santa can visit hell. Yeah.

Not just that he can, that he does. He does, frequently. And he brings back sucker fish. Obviously. And there's a lot of fuckable rabbits out there yeah that's a full segment roger roger rabbit we didn't even we didn't mention roger rabbit god damn you can lay some pipe yeah speaking of guys i don't know that guy's kind of a beta cuck have you seen his wife yeah come on come on, man. Yowza, she made my head turn into a wolf head.

Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every Jordan Jesse Goh, of course, brought to you by the members of MaximumFun.org. You can become one at MaximumFun.org slash join. We're also this week brought to you by our friends at Fortunato Chocolate.

Now, Jordan, can I tell you something about Fortunato Chocolate? I would love to hear about Fortunato Chocolate. I, of course, am a podcast big shot. You know that. The folks at Fortunato Chocolate know that. Sure. I get free chocolate from these Fortunato people. And you know I like to take a little, a dangerous little nibble from time to time.

Yeah. But you know what I just did? Hmm. know what i just did i went to podcastchocolate.com slash jj go and i used my own hard-earned money to buy my brothers john and brendan and my stepmother bernie some fortunato chocolate you know why because it's great chocolate because it's fucking super good. Yeah, it's awesome. It is so fucking good. I bought it with my own money. No discount, no nothing. I bought four pounds of chocolate, or 4.4 pounds of chocolate, because they come in 1.1 pound bars.

I bought the 36% the milk chocolate, the medium, which is 47%, and the 68% dark chocolate. I bought a pound of each of those, Plus I got them a pound of nibs. Ah, they're going to love those nibs. I love those nibs. I got to be honest. I'll go in there. I'll go into the treat closet and sneak a nib or two from time to time. You know, you should, uh, what I've been doing is throwing those nibs in a little Greek yogurt.

Oh God. Decadent. Decadent. Decadent. Sinful even. Uh, I'm, I'm with you, Jesse. I am also, uh, gifting Fortunato chocolate this year for the holidays. I think it's going to go over real well because, as you mentioned, the chocolate is pretty freaking terrific.

Since 2008, Fortunato No. 4 chocolate has been prized by top chocolatiers and pastry chefs in michelin starred restaurants i want jordan i want to be clear here no part of our copy says pretend that you bought this chocolate for your relatives for christmas it doesn't this is a thing i have actually done with my own money this is a thing jordan actually did with his own money we are fully bought into this chocolate because it is super fucking good. Yeah, it's awesome. And the people at Fortunato Chocolate, they are honest to gosh, Jordan, Jesse, Goh fans. We each got very nice notes from them telling us how much they like the show. So if you want to support some cool podcast fans who are doing a really cool

thing, uh, Fortunato is the way to go. And, uh, it's organically grown in the jungles of Northern Peru. And, uh, it's a family company and they have direct relationships with over 400 farmers and a socially conscious business model that helps farm families earn more. Uh, so they're cool folks. They have a cool company. And you don't have to worry about it making the world a bad place. And it's one of these things where, you know, this company is, you know, a decade plus old. But for almost all of that history, they were selling exclusively to fancy restaurants, right? It was like it was a supplier to a place where you're you know you're one of these ratatouille chefs and you need this fancy fucking chocolate right so you call the

jungles of peru get paddington bear on the line right and uh you know he sends you this fortunato number four you know what i mean yeah but you got a rat on your head. Now, exactly, now the world has changed, and they're branching out a little bit. They'll send you a 1.1 pounder, even if you're not one of these ratatouille guys. Yeah, you don't have to have a rat on your head to go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJGO. No, you can. Hell, they're not going to stop you. Sure. There's not a check at the door, do you have a rat on your head or not.

So if you got a rat on your head, don't worry about it. Go ahead and go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. But if you're not one of these ratatouille type guys, don't sweat it that way either. And in fact, if you got a different animal on your head, go ahead and let them know in the memo box when you make your purchase. And you know, it doesn't, it's not just rat head chefs. If you're kind of a sad little robot, if you're a boy who's visiting the land of the dead to say goodbye to his grandma. Yeah, sure. A toy cowboy who's worried he's becoming obsolete. Hell, if you're in the movie Ants with a Z at the end, Go ahead and go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. We don't give a shit.

Shrek, Donkey, I don't care. Go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. Antonio Banderas, go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. You know what? Brave little toaster. Yeah. Hit up podcastchocolate.com slash JJ Go. We see you, brave toasty.

What's that thing? oh i've all water shipped down if you're those you're a fucking heart-rending rabbit go to podcastchocolate.com slash jj go fucking steamboat willie hit up podcastchocolate.com slash jj go that steamboat is fucked man get off of that get into some of this tasty ass chocolate get off that nightmare steamboat where everything's an instrument there's fucking some fucked up shit man it's a bad trip dude get out of that fucking whale thank you go to podcast chocolate.com slash jj go get out of that fucking whale. Thank you. Go to podcastchocolate.com slash JJGO. Get out of there.

Do not get eaten by a whale. Podcastchocolate.com slash JJGO. This is very classy chocolate, this chocolate. Let's get back to the show. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, David Hader, the podcast cocktail hour virgin. Does that mean you've never done a podcast cocktail hour? That's correct. I've never done a podcast getting steadily drunk before. Are you doing that now?

I certainly am. I'm drinking a Sapporo, my high school beer. Awesome. We're over here drinking Walton Noggins. Walton Noggins. A prime. I didn't even know he had a nog business. He has a liquor business.

Great actor, entrepreneur. Amazing. It is a running joke about as dense as that Fauci thing we did at the top. But yes, Walton Noggins has a liquor brand, and we are trying to, over the course of the holiday season, find the perfect recipe for Walton Noggins. Yeah. I enjoyed, somebody posted on our Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com, a possible recipe for Walton Noggins.

And it was, this is from memory but it was um it was vodka uh sparkling water club soda lime and eggnog and you pour it was like two ounces of soda one ounce of vodka uh a squeeze of lime and you pour the eggnog down the toilet beautiful i'm against that one though, because I love nog. I'm a nog lover. No, you gotta, it's not really nog. Do you guys doctor your nog? I added some cardamom to my nog the other day. It went great. Hey, that's nice. You know what's good in there is a little of that pumpkin pie spice. Oh, that sounds great. Yeah. I think we can agree grocery nog does need a little kick in the pants. You gotta kick those pants. Like a

little spiced rum in there. Classic situation. David, are you a little kick in the you gotta kick those pants like a little spiced rum in that classic situation david are you a nog guy do you do seasonal drinks you know i always miss the nog each year and then i have a glass and i'm like boy that was enough so yeah every year i do one pretty much literally one glass of nog because i'm like oh i miss it's like it's like smoked oysters where i'm like oh that's so good and then i have. Because I'm like, oh, I miss. It's like smoked oysters where I'm like, oh, that's so good. And then I have three and I'm like, I'm good for the rest of the year. Yeah, I think that's a fair thing. I mean, I'll drink it until I'm sick. Don't get me wrong.

But were I a more reasonable man, I think that is exactly how I would handle the nog situation. Yeah, one and done i think it's hard to miss nog these days though uh because it's getting in stores earlier and earlier every year sometimes i'm like guys it's barely the fourth of july and it's already nog season give me a break it's too much you're gonna saturate your market yeah hey you know what i'll start listening to that mariah carey christmas song in march though sure yeah everybody loves it. It's great. Okay, when something momentous happens to you, like it's March,

and you hear that Mariah Carey Christmas song, we ask you to give us a call at 206-9844-FUN or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org for our segment, Momentous Occasions, as this person has done. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I'm sitting here in the parking garage for a Kaiser. Oh, this is Ian up in Portland. And I am taking my fiance. She's got her first appointment here. And a gentleman who I didn't notice comes up to my car and just decides to have a seat in my car.

So I'm sitting here waiting for her, listening to the show. And here's this gentleman. He just comes in and sits down. Look at him. He looks at me and goes, ah, shit. Sorry, bud. Wrong car. And then just gets up and gets out uh love the show thanks guys wow oh that's a magical moment when somebody gets in

your car it's just a special i mean jordan jesse go listeners have heard about the time i was uh driving down i'm gonna say gene say Geneva Avenue in San Francisco, stopped at a stop sign and somebody got into my car and then just rode with me all the way to the next BART station, then got out and said, thanks. And I was too terrified and stunned the entire time to do anything about it. But it's just a beautiful moment of community. It's like reaching out. And especially in these times when we all want to be closer to our neighbors that we don't know,

just have that physical connection with them. I feel like you and your caller are lucky to be alive. We're all lucky to be alive. Oh, aren't we? Aren't we? Aren't we, though? Every day is a joy though i've mentioned this a couple times but as a as a prius driver um brag brag brag as a prius driver um

a lot of times if in the in the evening if you're driving at night and you stop at a stop sign a a drunk will periodically yank on your door because they think you're their lift i can see that i've had that happen uh about three times and they always look shocked i do feel like i do feel obligated to like oh maybe i should pretend and just like drive this person around but um probably not a good idea i mean i've been in your car maybe they just noticed that you keep those tiny waters in the back that's right right. I'm always, uh, always offering gum to everyone. Everybody gets offered Rolos. Right.

Yeah. That'd be a great, I would love to get in the lift and get a Rolo offer. That'd be amazing. Yeah. Or like a Twix. What about a full size Twix? Twix?

Oof. That would be great. Yeah. Except, okay. Except I think I've spotted a flaw in your plan. It's your car and random people are going to be eating chocolate in the backseat. Yeah.

Like that is not, if it was my car, that would not happen. Yeah, well, you just hose it down in between. You gotta get a hose. You're driving some sort of plastic dune buggy or something. You could just hose out your car. I'm driving the new Prius plastic dune buggy Man, I looked at a house the other day And it was a pretty run-down house Because, you know, this is Los Angeles

And these are the kinds of houses that we can look at It was a pretty rough house And I went out the back door And just saw there was a fucking dune buggy parked in the back. And I was like, oh, no, I want to buy this house so bad. Oh, can I get the dune buggy with two and a half flat tires, please? Wow. Sold.

Sold. Does it come with the buggy? That's what we call a, Jesse, that's actually a breakfast nook. It's a great space for creatives to wfh yeah you could uh you could probably airbnb that dude and buggy out i'd love to air be if you know is there's all these articles on clickbait articles about tree houses you can buy on you can rent on airbnb i'd love to rent one fucking buggy. Just one. That's all you need. Just one fucking buggy. Let's take another call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Steve A.G., I hope, or whoever else. This is Sergeant Epoch, I'm from Central New Jersey College town. I've had a little bit of a overseen, I guess,

but I just saw about seven or eight bros run up to a Honda Civic that pulled over outside of a restaurant to pick them up. And without questioning anything or making any comments about it, the five of them got into the driver's seat, passenger seat, and rear seats, and then two of them jumped in the trunk together. And they closed the trunk and set off. This is just something that they normally do. It was exciting, to say the least.

But shame on them for not having any masks on. All right. I mean, shame on them for not having any masks on, but good on them for having those enormous red shoes. Right. Is this some sort of bro clown? I think that's what we're... I think that's what we just heard a description of.

Unless self-kidnapping is a thing now. I don't know what Zoomers are into, Jordan. It's like it's the next step up from the escape room. This guy's just renting out his Honda Civic as an escape room. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll kidnap you for 100 bucks. And if you don't get out within an hour, you'd lose. We'll drive over a bumpy bridge and it'll be kind of scary. Right. Yeah. Until we find an abandoned refrigerator for you to crawl in. Right.

All sorts of fun. Drop you down a well. This is a Christmas show. I do like the idea that maybe there is a, like a, you know, I mean,

I guess I heard New Jersey, so I kind of, I mean, I'm envisioning a kind of a Jersey Shore type bro. Like, if you could just get those guys to go to a kid's birthday party.

Yeah. But this is central New Jersey. This is a garden state. This is probably fucking, these bros probably go to Princeton. These are like lacrosse bros. Yeah, you this is central New Jersey. This is a garden state. This is probably fucking, these bros probably go to Princeton. These are like lacrosse bros. Yeah, you might be right. You might be right.

I think these are like fucking popped collar polo shirt, boat shoe dudes. Well, those can be fun at a kid's birthday party too, you know? That's true. They can tell kids about internships their dad's got them. Challenge you to a ski off on the K-12. Yes, right. Show that John Cusack what for. That fucking nerd John Cusack.

All right. They're always ready when the kids start chanting, shots, shots, shots. Oh, yeah. They can teach kids about the shot ski. Yeah. That's really sweet. The ski that has a bunch of

shot glasses on it that you all have to do at once yeah there you go kids got to learn about the shots sometime you could put fucking apple juice in there but plus if if you're having a kid's birthday party you're gonna need somebody there to lead them all in water polo because otherwise they won't know that the main thing that happens in water polo is the different guys grab each other's nuts yeah you don't want kids i don't want kids learning about i i feel like maybe that was not a water polo team you were on a hundred percent that's what happens in water polo that's what makes water polo so amazing is you can't see what's happening under the water and it turns out they're all fucking grabbing each other's nuts the whole time. I had no idea.

In the fucking Olympics, they're grabbing each other's nuts. This is a real thing about water polo. Jesus, I feel like a real kudu. I know. The easily tricked kudu. Easily taken in. Yeah. Misled about water polo.

You know who's going to be the first to get the vaccine is the water polo players because they're ready for it. Sure. They've had their nuts cupped, as Dr. Fauci mentioned in the opening segment. That, as we also mentioned, was part of a complicated running joke. Yeah, even in which we describe as a joke because we have a broad definition of the word sure as we do with the word halcyon and show let's take a quick break we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go This is Mirror Universe Adam Pranica here to tell you not to listen to the greatest discovery on MaximumFun.org. This is Mirror Universe Ben Harrison uncharacteristically agreeing with you despite the fact that you are my enemy.

The one thing that you must never do is enjoy our bit of off-season Star Trek Discovery programming, where we talk about the first season of Star Trek Discovery while at the same time unpacking news and information about the upcoming Season 2. So do not tune in and download The Greatest Discovery

on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. And rate it one star on Apple Podcasts. Hey, J. Keith. Hey, Helen. Hey, you've got another true-false quiz for me? Yep. Our trivia podcast, Go Fact Yourself, used to be in front of a live audience.

True. Turns out that's not so safe anymore. Correct. Next. Unfortunately, this means we can no longer record the show. False. The show still comes out every first and third Friday of the month. Correct.

Finally, we still have great celebrity guests answering trivia about things they love on every episode of Go Fact Yourself. Definitely true. And for bonus points, name some of them. Recently, we've had Ophira Eisenberg plus tons of surprise experts like Yardley Smith and Suzanne Summers. Perfect score.

You can hear Go Fact Yourself every first and third Friday of the month with all the great guests and trivia that we've always had. And if you don't listen, well, then you can go fact yourself. That's the name of our podcast. Correct. Woo-hoo! It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm David Hader, the world's only Jedi Solid Snake.

Oh, man. Cool. You've got my fan fiction. Thank you, David. I've covered it all. Thank you, David. I've covered it all. All of my fan fiction is about Idolmaster Cinderella Girls, but I think I understood the reference. I have a connection to that that I think you'd find interesting. Please. Oh.

Man, Jordan, did you know that David is in 1998's Giant Robo, the animation. I didn't. Boy. Nor did I. He's also, the next year, you probably know him because of his work, the next year in Mobile Suit Gundam 0080 colon War in the Pocket.

War in the Pocket, I did know and that's actually a really good Gundam. I play Bernie Wiseman and I think I actually a really good Gundam and I played Bernie Wiseman and I think I'm the only Jewish you know Gundam and it's a really it's a really sad story and and quite a lovely uh story about war in the pocket you and Sandy Koufax was famously famous good took a few years away from the Dodgers to pilot a Gundam. Yeah. Yeah.

Fair enough. Um, David, thank you so much for, for being on the show. I think like we, we definitely, when we kind of jokingly propose the idea of getting you on,

like people, people were so excited and it's like, it's great that you took the time to do this. It's really awesome. Thank you, gentlemen. I was not familiar with the show and and you know now i am you don't have to rub it in you don't have to make a whole thing out of it no i really thank you for having me this was a really

fun uh conversation it did not go the way i expected and i really appreciate you having me on we mentioned by the way that uh we mentioned by the the way, that David is one of the creators behind or one of the creative forces behind a brand new television show called Warrior Nun. But we did not discuss Warrior Nun. Is there something that you can offer to people for whom simply the phrase Warrior Nun is insufficient? I don't know who these people would be i don't know who they'd be actually you know we had a we apparently had a massive uh debut we've been nominated for some analytics award because we had the one of the top five television debuts of the entire year holy cow the analytics award the analytic ease it's it's it's actually the parrot analytics awards wow known colloquially as the countums as the as the parries yeah um

yeah so uh warrior nun it's just a show that i'm i'm a producer on and and uh writer we got it's really really fun if you haven't seen it it's about nuns who are warriors and um it kicks ass our cast is amazing and we are going to be shooting the second season pretty soon so um you know if you haven't seen the first season please check it out because we're really uh all kidding aside very very proud of that show. Yeah, I started it, and it fucking rules. Oh, thanks, man. Big Buffy energy coming off this thing, but a little darker. It's a treat.

I think people should check it out. Oh, thanks, man. And I didn't want to – listen, I'm going to ask you something. Yeah, please. You can tell me to fuck off if you want to. You're well within your rights to tell me to fuck off. Of course. What would Solid Snake say about being on Jordan and Jesse Go?

You can tell me to fuck off. You can tell me to fuck off. He'd say. It's okay. David, it's okay if you want to tell him to fuck off. I would never tell you to fuck off. I would say being on the Jordan and Jesse show is even better than surviving the Fox die virus.

Whoa, man. You're telling me about that virus, right? Oh man. Okay. The podcast is over. That was the last episode.

Bye. We've, we've done all we can do. We've reached our Zenith. All right, david now you can tell me to fuck off okay you can tell me to fuck off okay but were he to discuss jordan jesse go what would the titular character seaman from the dreamcast video game Seaman, in which you raise a fish with a human face that you talk to

through a microphone on the Dreamcast controller, have to say about appearing on Jordan Jesse Go? I don't think he was the voice of... He'd probably say, well, this is even more fun than being in my fishbowl! Yeah! Yes! he nailed it

that's just what Fishman could say is that what Seaman sounds like that's exactly what Seaman sounds like that was my Seaman audition very good you got the part you got the part in the Seaman reboot that's why this guy books

this guy gets roles here it works well David it's been a joy to have you on the That's why this guy books. That's why I book, man. This guy gets roles. Here it works. Well, David, it's been a joy to have you on the program. The joy was mine. It's always an incredible honor to talk to anyone from the Seaman universe. And it was a joy to hear about your karate excitement. I know, right? And as Seaman would say, Blub, blub, guys.

That's right. Blub, blub. Blub, blub. That's what he says. Blub, blub. Oh, I love this fucking man. Seaman, that is. Of course.

Blub, blub. Okay. Well, that's it for this week's Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go, of course, is produced by our friend Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris and with the hashtag JJGo. You can find us on Facebook at Facebook.com slash Jordan, Jesse Go or in the Maximum Fun

Facebook group. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. dot com slash Jordan Jesse Go or in the Maximum Fun Facebook group. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. Thanks to our friends in The Free Design and at their label Light in the Attic Records. Wonderful record label. Wonderful band. Our thanks to them. And we will talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go.

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