Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 669: Born Pregnant with Blaine Capatch

Episode Date: January 2, 2021

Blaine Capatch (Nerd Poker Podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Boba Fett's real voice, a shocking manger scene that Jordan saw on one of his bullshit walks, and how the current toy landscape for kids is basically a surveillance state. Plus, Blaine lets us in on his go-to singing hologram to reference in bits. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, the chest freezer. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You got a cold chest there, buddy? Not bragging, Jordan, I got a new lifestyle, my friend. Okay, let's hear about it. I can deep freeze anything I fucking want to, dude. Oh my gosh. Have you taken over the mantle of Batman villain Mr. Freeze?

Yeah, absolutely. Only instead of freezing superheroes, I freeze tater tots. Nice. Well, do you have some sort of a freeze machine? You're a kitchen gadget guy. Is this some sort of new gadget from Sweden that freezes? Yeah, it's called a chest freezer. It's just a big freezer. That's all it is. But the reason I mentioned it, Jordan, is not just to brag about the fact that I have seven cubic feet of extra freezer space thanks to my new chest freezer from Home Depot. It's that I went on a popular e-commerce website to try and purchase a chest freezer. It turns out you got to get it from Home Depot. Anyway, while I was on that site,

I took a look at the Q&A section because I was trying to figure out some of them are auto defrosting and some you have to defrost them yourself, you know, with like an ice scraper or whatever. And I wanted to figure out whether this particular model was self-defrosting or not. I'm just going to read, I'll read the answer first and then I'll read the question. Okay. I like Jeopardy. Yeah. Hello and thank you for your question about the Midea MRC050S0AWW chest freezer.

In response to your inquiry, the unit is easy to maintain and it is a manual defrost model. It's easy to open and has a defrost drain that makes it easier to drain defrost water and clean. Better Business Bureau, A-plus accredited business. So that's a useful, that's exactly the information that I needed to know. So congratulations to the good people at whoever sells this Maidea freezer for answering that. Can I read to you the question? Please. I just want a freezer to meats and ice, not human remains. I am elderly and disabled.

Please, is this freezer is to maintain this dude is absolutely looking for a place to stash human remains well specifically looking for a freser yeah to stash human remains f-r-e-z-z-e-r wellE-R. Well, I mean, if there's one place to stash your human remains and just wait till the heat dies down, you got to go Freser, right? Do you think Freser is maybe a second tier Happy Days character? Oh, yeah. Like after Henry, there's like one season of Happy Days, Henry Winkler's gone, and then they bring in his cousin Freser and his catchphrase, hello. I just want a Frezzer, two meats, and ice, not human remains.

I mean, isn't that, I mean, when it boils down to it, I think this reviewer has hit upon an essential human truth. I mean, what do we all want if not a two meats? And ice, Jordan. And ice. Not human remains. Plus, I think we all from time to time find ourselves asking big questions, you know? And sometimes even our priest or our religious leader, or certainly not our politicians, can answer them, you know? Like, is this freezer is to maintain? It's so funny because I was actually looking on a popular e-commerce website for an ice pick

recently. You know, just found some good information, but somebody asking the question, is this ice pick good for stab? Definitely not for boss. By the way, I feel like we're being kind of jerky, not revealing what the e-commerce website is. It's FogDog. Right. FogDog.com. I saw an amazing Christmas thing recently that I would like to tell the listeners about,

but should we introduce our guest and get his take on it as well? Yeah. Stand-up comedian, writer, one of the co-hosts of the Nerd Poker Podcast, our friend and yours, one of the funniest guys there is, Mr. Blaine Kapach. Hi, Blaine. Hi. Hey, hi. Check two. Hey, hi. Check two.

Hey, hi. Over. Coming in loud and clear. 10-4, buddy. Okay. Yeah. Drop the payload now. I'm in a cab over Pete with a reefer on over at Jimmy Holland Hogs.

I'm on TV right now, you guys. Come back. We just leaned into Blaine's greatest strength not just as a comedian but in life which is humor about the trucker and monkey television show bj and the bear oh oh right those guys oh no i was just talking about trucking okay yeah there's no monkey there's no monkey involved jesse got it you know the year that star wars came out which which I loved, by the way. I don't know if you've seen it, Star Wars.

I'm a medium Star Wars guy, Blaine. You know, the same year Star Wars came out, Smokey and the Bandit was also in the theaters. They were both nominated for Oscars. And I loved them both so much. I loved them equally. And now I would, of course, say that I'm all Star Wars. Back then, I was like, I'd seen Smokey and the Bandit a dozen times. You know what? I watched Smokey and the Bandit as an adult man for the first time five years ago, let's say. Smokey and the Bandit

rules. Smokey and the Bandit is so great. Like, you really get to know the appeal of Burt Reynolds not doing anything besides chewing gum. Like, it really is great to watch him do that. Burton the Reynolds. This is kind of crazy. I know this isn't a popular opinion, but I like the Smokey and the Bandit prequels. Wow. Wow. Yeah, you know, I think they're, you know they they're you know they're for kids

they're obviously for kids but they tell a really grand story it's operatic I guess I like practical effects you mean

Hal Needham style practical effects where they they go whoa and hold their hat and then they cut to a completely

different car and then land in an impossible fashion and then they drive out holding their hat yeah that's exactly what i was talking about blame thank you everybody saw a crumble next scene what the fuck you see hooper i haven't seen hooper jordan watched uh what was it called i have i

have seen both hooper and gator recently gator i saw in the theater it was it rocked jerry reed was a great bad guy gator so it's just a wild movie it is it is that and we've already covered gator so i'll just give a a quick synopsis on on my thoughts on gator but it is not about him fighting alligators which uh i was disappointed to learn i sat there that whole movie like this next scene is going to be the one where he fights the gator. I just fucking know it. But no, that's just his nickname.

And it is such a wild combination of like that Burt Reynolds thing, which is like he's the rascal on the run. And at the beginning, someone sings a song about him, about how great he is. Before he comes straight out of hell. Yeah.

But then it just goes into dark ass 70s social commentary. In the middle of filming it, Taxi Driver came out and someone's like, yeah, we need some comedy character. We have these comedy characters. Let's kill them brutally before the end. Yeah, they just had paul schrader do a pass yeah it does seem like it's not his original script but they they had him add some of his signature grit a house full of cats get the house full of cats getting burned

alive yes yes that is exactly what i'm talking about there's a funny cat lady who dies in a house fire and you assume that all of her cats also burn with her. I remember in the theater going, did I just watch a whole house full of cats burn? It's kind of weird. I'm a kid. Yeah. I shouldn't be here.

Yeah. I'd be better off trying to sneak in to watch 10. It's the 70s, though. Kids could just waltz in and sit down and see whatever movie they wanted to, probably, huh? Yeah, and you ended up watching, like, you know, Branigan. You know, watching John Wayne curb somebody's teeth out.

Go to the concession stand, grab yourself a pack of unfiltered cigarettes. Well, murdered by death. Let's go to the concession stand, grab yourself a pack of unfiltered cigarettes. Wow. Murdered by death. Screamin' Capote doin' tongue-in-cheek double entendres. Jesus. What's happening? Blaine, how's your holiday going?

Are you and the family watching holiday specials? Have you gotten your kids some stuff? How's holiday stuff going? Everything's pretty good right now, I guess. We're all done shopping. My kid is seven right now, so he still believes in me. He's over in the other room right now.

He still believes in Santa Claus. He's so stupid. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! anyway everything is pretty good i think uh we're having fun they took him out to look at the lights my wife's twin sister has triplets and they're all they're all contained i guess so they get together every now and then

and hang out just to socialize i feel bad because he does he's not with other kids i feel like all these kids are going to be shell-shocked for some somehow for years to come is that how twins work is it like an exponential thing where twins then have triplets yeah the triplets the triplets are born pregnant and uh they've already they've already given birth to two litters of uh nine and fifteen wowie zowie yeah there's a lot of kids it's really it's fucked up that is but she's it's worse for disney so she has insurance that is my favorite uh gritty 70s paul schrader movie is born pregnant yeah i don't know if i have mentioned this on the show but theresa and i we have three children and sort of inspired by a combination of

of a of a philosophy from our friend john hodgman and and theresa's experience when she found out the truth about Santa Claus, which was like deeply, deeply traumatic for her. And she like had to spend years coming to trust her parents again. We decided we are going to keep it down. My kid is really stupid. We decided we're going to teach our children that Santa Claus is a real story. Can you keep it down? My cat is just a fucking moron. This fucking piece of shit still thinks that Santa brings the chia grass every year.

so we decided we're going to teach our kids that santa is like a is like a story about christmas you know like it's a real story that we can take real lessons from but that santa is just a story in the same way that you know their favorite books are a story. Or the French Connection. Yeah, or the French Connection. Or the Hot Rock. Whatever the film may be, the conversation, all of these are just stories. And we explained it. And when we explained it to Grace, we said, you know, we're going to tell Oscar about it. Oscar's my middle kid. Grace is my oldest.

We're going to tell Oscar about it. but for now, just play it cool. And Grace said, okay. And this was, I think, two Christmases ago, and Grace was seven, and she played it cool that winter. And then in between that Christmas and the next Christmas, she possibly forgot that Santa Claus wasn't real. And so she was acting like Santa Claus was real. And so we kind of went back to Grace, you know, Santa Claus is a story and the story is a real story that we can take lessons from, but it's not a true story and Santa Claus isn't a real person. And she just rejected it. She reverse gaslighted us. She refused to process that information.

And right now, nine years old, 100% believe Santa Claus is real. Wow. Children's minds are extraordinary that you can flip that on and off and put your own blinders on i guess i like these blinders they look great i hope yeah they're nice they're very peaky yeah have either of you done like the christmas light tour have either of you done like the like find the, you know, the street where everybody goes cuckoo for Christmas and like, you know, walk or drive down that? Yeah. Shout the fuck out to Candy Cane Lane.

Oh, yeah. Candy Cane Lane. That's what's up. Pasadena, California. People with way too much time. And lights. Have you gone to Descanso Gardens for any of those? Yeah.

I'm a Descanso Gardens member. Descanso Gardens is a local sort of arboretum type situation. Gorgeous. It is very beautiful. It's a wonderful local institution. And there literally is nowhere else you're allowed to go with children. So the depth of my gratitude for the Los Angeles Arboretum and Descanso Gardens really is unfathomable. I was looking at some Christmas houses.

I was out on my, you know, about these dumb little walks that the government says we have to take every day. You know, about these dumb little walks. You're not walking anywhere. Take your walk and shove it up your ass, gov. Wow. Blaine, they'll come for you. The secret police will come for you if you- I don't care, man.

I'm not flying, so put me on your no-fly list. Blaine, you got to take your dumb little bullshit walk every day. You have to. The government says. I better be quiet. There's dots on me. Guys, I got to go to the bathroom real quick. You guys talk amongst yourselves hello it's me

dr fauci oh no blaine we've been getting visits from dr fauci from time to time and you are not taking your little walks well you know i don't want to go outside because i i worry that i might go behind the wake of a jogger and get COVID. Blaine, if you don't take your little fucking walks, I'm not going to come to your house with my vaccine. That's how he says vaccine. That's how he says vaccine. I have left my sleeve rolled up by the

chimney with care and hope that I will be inoculated when St. Fauci gets here. No, not if you're not taking care of yourself by going on a little walk once a day you know what you're right tomorrow morning first thing i'm gonna walk over to del taco and i'm gonna uh in a closed area with some strangers for a few as long as you walk i don't care go for it okay it. Okay. It's me, Dr. Fauci. I invented a vagine.

Yes, you know it's him because he says, it's me, and then his name. I'm like Mario in that sense. That's my neighbor, Mario. He always announces his presence. Just look out for Wouchy, the evil Fauci. Do you have a catchphrase? Take a walk. Yeah, my catchphrase is strike three, Washington Nationals.

Oh, boy, you're not on the team. You just threw out the first pitch, Fauci. Strike three, you're out of here. Home run champion, Dr. Fauci. How do you believe that guy was 32 years old? They call me the Louisville Slugger. I think that's the name of a bat brand. They call me Rawlings.

Fauci, you'll be very proud of me. I was out there taking my dumb little bullshit walk the other day. Congratulations, Jordan. Thank you. I'm a good boy i want i just want fauci to you know come by and give me that uh you know the vaccine or the vachine or whatever it is i want it i want it as soon as i can get it so jordan i'll stick you with my vachine because you are a walk zaddy thank you thank you. I was out on my dumb little walk, and I was walking by some Christmas houses, and I saw...

Excuse me, Jordan. Yes. Jesse's coming back in here, and I have to go take a shit. Okay. Bye, Dr. Fauci. Brian, insert the helicopter noise. Whoa. Hey, TMI with the shit thing yeah gross dude

he's already gone he can't hear you he gave me the headphones i was taking my little walk and i saw something that made me made me feel more conservative than I have ever felt in my life. Yes. Something that shocked me. And that was... And I, listen, I... Hunter Biden's laptop. I saw, yes.

It was a very unusual display. Uh-huh. No, just standard Christmas lights, and then a very down-the-middle manger scene. Baby Jesus, Mary Joseph, wise men, couple angels. Sure. And- Crack.

Right, I know. Yes, I mean, just bordering on on the nose. Right. Classic manger scene, but mixed in with the animals was Donkey from Shrek. Well, he's an animal. in with the animals was Donkey from Shrek. Well, he's an animal. But he's a cartoon animal from a meme movie. I felt like it was so disrespect.

Like, if the baby was Shrek, I would be more okay with it. But it just felt so blasphemous to me. Well, Shrek is an allegory, like the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. Oh, I didn't know that. I guess I didn't know about the secret symbolism behind Shrek. Shrek represents the Christ child. Right. Donkey represents, let's say, the Apostle John.

Okay. Princess represents the woman whose feet get washed by Jesus. And, you know, what's-his-face, the famous bald actor, represents the wrathful god of the Old Testament. Wow. Well, I had no idea. I want to say John Larroquette, but that's not right. I don't know nothing about Shrek. I just know Shrek and Donkey, basically. Yeah shrek man it sucks it sucks so much no never watch shrek as an adult it

sucks yeah the caterpillar that he squeezes out onto his toothbrush represents paul anka beautiful what a beautiful story which one Blaine, what character would you say is Engelbert Humperdinck? You know, I'm going to, there was a cut scene. I don't know if you got the DVD. They released the Blu-ray and it has all these incredible scenes in it. I got the 3D Blu-ray. The movie's in 2D, but the menus are in 3D. Okay. Well, you have to go into there there's a few there's a few sections of commentary in there and they show a secret clip of engelbert humperdinck in this uh in this pool hall scene where they get in a big fight he gets a pool cube broken

across the bridge of his nose and he goes i caramba and then they cut bart simpson and that's why they can't use it oh you gotta license that you gotta do a whole who framed roger rabbit thing if you want to put bart simpson in the movie they tried to do a they tried to do like a room 222 thing with him and it just didn't work like they were gonna plug him into a like like a reality scene almost like a like a roy arbus and holog a Roy Orbison hologram. There would be this Bart walking around in a class and stuff. But nobody ever talked to the Simpsons people about getting the rights to it. Blaine, would you say that Roy Orbison is your go-to hologram?

He's my ghost to hologram. Nice, nice. Well, he does have a very haunting voice. That's true. Is there that I am not aware of a hologram tour of the traveling Wilburys? Is that what's going on? No. Some of them are still alive.

Well, Jeff Lynn is still alive. Yeah. So it's just Jeff Lynn and then a set of holograms. It's Jeff Lynn, a couple of holograms, and then some leftover Chuck E. Cheese robots. It's me, Bob Dylan in the holograms. Jim Quitt. And to me, Pasquale, the pizza man, the only human at the restaurant. Now we're lucky to do a desolation of Rome.

That's the longest song. Oh, Jordan, in response to your question, we did go out and see the Christmas lights. I love going to see the Christmas lights. That is something that I am genuinely into. Although I will never be a person who puts up a lot of Christmas. I put out one strand of outdoor Christmas lights over my, what do you call that that covers my front door, the portcullis or something? I put one strand of Christmas lights there. I like a single color light. I like to keep it simple.

But I do enjoy going to see other people's Christmas displays. Yeah, it is totally amazing and just a testament to dad energy, you know? Yeah. What a dad can do with massive amounts of dad energy. I feel like the thing that I miss from my own childhood, like the magical thing, how some people remember their Victorian-style Christmas or their 1950s American-style Christmas, like these sort of traditional ideas of what Christmas is. The thing that I miss most of all is not snow, because it didn't snow where I grew up.

It's Christmas displays by gay couples with a lot of time on their hands. by gay couples with a lot of time on their hands. Like growing up in San Francisco, when it was difficult for gay men to adopt, there were just a lot of upper middle class couples in my neighborhood and adjoining neighborhoods that really went all out on Christmas displays that were super tasteful. Like completely absurd,

but also none of those inflatable snowmen, just like turning an entire house into a giant Christmas present with an enormous ribbon on it, that kind of thing, like where one of the dudes was a window dresser for Gumps or whatever. They both worked for FAO Schwartz for a couple of years. That's where they met yeah like it's the san francisco equivalent of halloween in burbank where everyone works in special effects is christmas in san francisco where everyone is a is a window dresser for a large large downtown department store it is absolutely fucking great blaine did you you grew up in baltimore right

that's like where your childhood was i grew up in uh dallas town pennsylvania okay about an hour north of baltimore but yeah what did you have i guess i know nothing about the the climate there did you have like a traditional white christmas we had a horrible horrible tropical climate in penn. And it was like Christmases were at least 90 degrees. And I was forbidden to hear about Christmas from my evil, evil step parents, which here's the twist. They turned out to be my real parents. Wow. Wow. We were just saying we were your step parents because we don't love you that much. I mean, mean blaine i don't mean to scold you as i might scold my own child but it should have occurred to you that no one has no one is raised by two step parents like unless your parents divorce each of them remarry then each of your real parents dies in

an accident and then your step parents fall in love at their respective funerals i only have seen like a couple of seasons there's like three or four seasons i didn't see yet so i don't really i don't really know how it worked right but they're my they're my step parents right yeah it's canon no it sounds like uh it sounds like canon to me jesse if you just watch The Mandalorian, it fills in some of the gaps. Thank you. Some of the references to the Clone Wars I missed in Blaine's description of his childhood. Right. But I know who Boba Fett is. Right. And you realize that to some people, Bo-Katan means something, but not to you.

You want to hear an idea I had about Boba Fett the other day while I was watching The Mandalorian? Sure. If Boba Fett was in the George W. Bush administration, George W. Bush would have nicknamed him Bobby Farts. George W. Bush, always giving those funny nicknames. Yep. He loved funny nicknames. He nicknamed everybody.

Would have called Boba fett bobby farts he probably would it's a shame that like he didn't take his helmet off and it was just like wait scooby-doo was inside that's me boba fett like wearing tin can on my head you ever see a cat walking backwards around the house trying to get an evidence bag off his head that's how i felt the whole time i was so caught don't sass me or i'll blast you with my jet pack i'd like to see boba fett take his helmet off and confetti explodes yeah this is that i don't dance i know yeah it could be wackier i did like how in in the mandalorian i don't know how how intentional this was but

the fact that like boba fett is a little too paunchy for the armor is the best it rules i think like our our friend kumail nanjiani gets cast in one of these superhero movies and just puts in the work and gets crazy yoked. And I like that the guy who played Boba Fett 15 years ago was like, you get what you get. He's like, make the suit chunkier. I would love to see like Boba Fett when he gets back to his hotel room after a mission, he takes his armor off, and he's just got the red marks, the lines on his back, the sides, and chest, where the armor was. Like his socks were too tight.

Just goes straight for the minibar. He's like, oh, God. And they're there for a few hours, those red lines boba fett noshing on a toblerone watching some spectra vision yeah these things are so expensive these things are so expensive that's the boba fett voice yeah it's boba fett's famous voice gee i wonder what would happen if boba fett met dr f Fauci? Hmm. I bet that would... Well, I'd rather not know. Anyway, I'll just continue. That's what I do next.

When I mean this, I mean fly to Sarlacc, dude. Do you think Boba Fett... This is a serious question. I know we've been joking around a lot on the show, but before Boba Fett gets into his armor, do you think he puts on talcum powder? He's got to. He's got to be. He's got to be gold bonding that thing up.

Oh, yeah. Gold bond. That's medicated. Mm hmm. Do you think afterwards he uses some tiger balm? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I mean, yeah, nothing.

Yeah. If you're if you're finding yourself with that best car rash. Sure. The best car. Try some icy hot. Sure. From the best car steal. Try some Icy Hot. Right. How many times has this happened to you? I got a best car rash.

One of my favorite things about the third set of three movies was C-3PO, noticeably fatter than he was. He's a little wider. They just sort of made the costume a little wide. He just looks like a little paunch. But instead of getting another guy that fits in the suit, they made a new wider suit. I thought it was kind of interesting.

Do you think that what was happening was not about the actor, but rather was about the idea that as they get older, droids widen out a little bit, just as we all do. Sure. Their constitution, they eat the same, but it seems like they gain weight. R2D3.

50% more. Yeah, C-3PO, you know, he's not a teenager anymore. He can't, you know, he can't put away two Carl's Jr.'s famous stars in the same meal like he could before. And, you know, and then he got that divorce and just kind of wanted to stop putting in the work. Jordan, we should explain it's Hardee's east of the Rockies. Right, where C-3PO is from. I forgot, C-3PO is from Maine, where they call it Hardee's. Yeah, and Roy Robbins, where I was growing up. Beep boop, beep boop boop boop, beep boop boop.

That's R2-D2 saying, I like Red Robin. I like Carl's Jr. and Jack in the Box's commitment to miscellany. I think that's a great theme for a fast food restaurant is i don't know what do you want i'll make it hey how about some pastrami tots okay egg rolls dot dot dot for some reason oh the dim sum of Jack in the Box. A guy follows you in a car with a tray of stuff. Jack in the Box, you know, great teriyaki bowl and great Venetian blinds if you need them.

If you're looking for some Venetian blinds, Jack in the Box. Yeah, they got all kind of window treatments there. It's wonderful. They'll actually consult with you on a custom job. That's really, and real ice cream shakes too. Yeah. So everything you could want. I really like the slats.

Oh, the slats. I mean, is there anything better than, you know, smoking a J, strolling on down to Jack in the Box, getting yourself some egg rolls and some slats? Yeah. God, I love to fuck those slats yeah they love it nasty slats nasty slats i can't get enough miss jackson if you're slap me oh yeah your blinds are vertical baby I know you two both have kids listening. And also, I should acknowledge maybe this episode is airing after Christmas. What did the kids want this Christmas like? Is there like a tickle me Elmo? Is there like a thing that is hard to get for kids? Yeah. Interpersonal relationships with their peers.

Oh, sure. You got to get in a virtual queue at Best Buy for those. Yeah, exactly. No, yeah. What does a modern seven, eight, nine-year-old want for Christmas? I got him one of those jet ski things with a tree. I'm sorry. he's looking. He sees my lips moving. It's like, how can read your moment and pull his lips outside?

Left him outside to die outside the disco. He's looking at me. I have to... What's up, buddy? Legos. He wanted Legos. Yeah, my kids just want Legos too. They're relaxing on Christmas. I love them on Christmas. They're fun. I, years ago, wrote an afterword for a book called Mail Order Mysteries that was a book about the things you order out of comic books in the 60s and 70s. And my daughter found it on my bookshelf and got completely

obsessed with reading it. But she had no interest in my beautiful, elegiac, moving Afterword that I wrote for this book. She just wants the stuff. It's a book that sort of is like, this is what they promised. This is what it was really like. And it is always bad. But my daughter does not care. She wants the eight foot ghost or whatever. There's a pedometer she asked for the for the comic book pedometer for christmas i just don't don't get her the x-ray specs or else she'll see the uh terrible bones in her hand i know the corn gun potato gun you know i remember i i must have been in fourth grade, maybe fifth grade, and I sent away to that Charles Atlas Dynamic Tension Program. No way. Wow.

Where you would use your muscles against each other to build muscle, like with resistance against yourself. And I was like, yeah, I'm tired of getting sand kicked in my imaginary face by that dickhead in this drawing. And I sent away for it and i forgot that i had done it and like maybe a year and a half later i get a letter saying this company is completely out of business you're an asshole wow they didn't say the you're at the company's out of business so how did you get so buff then uh i don't know just lucky i guess yeah i like to not walk and uh and uh sorry my kid just

okay he's gone all right sorry my kid was just over here grabbing something we've been watching gravity falls do you guys watch gravity falls i've watched a few gravity falls it is uh it's funny it was really really good and uh it's over in two seasons. Really smart show. I liked it a lot. Man, yeah. Obviously, this is a frequent conversation topic on the show, but man, kids TV is so much fucking better than when we were kids. Oh, man. Jesus.

Are you kidding? I had a popcorn phooey. Oh, boy. A problematic dog. Yeah. Heathcliff. What about Heathcliff? Also very problematic.

I don't know if Heathcliff was. Well, cancel culture says you can't put an entire fish in your mouth and then pull out the skeleton. Heathcliff. What about Heathcliff? Also very problematic. I don't know if Heathcliff was. Well, cancel culture says you can't put an entire fish in your mouth and then pull out the skeleton. Yeah. Sorry if you don't want me playing a trash can like it was drums. Call the Wambulance. Wait, did the Fat Albert gang also live in a trash dump? I don't know. Yeah. They were kids in a neighborhood and they met in a trash dump. And I think it was better for some of them and worse for others.

Like some of them lived at a Superfund site? Rudy had a guitar, so he had money. Right. Everybody else made their own instruments. Snorks, we had fucking snorks. Yeah, fucking snorks. What about those sports balls that turned into hug'em toys by turning inside out? I don't remember those.

Yeah, poofles or something. I mean, hey, I think we can all agree the snorks were bad, but ooh, those slats, huh? Oh, yeah, those nasty slats. Those nasty slats. Far better than those prudish snorks. You know, I don't know if there's any toys that are on the market right now that aren't tapped into some sort of database that gives your algorithm to some sort of corporation in Kazakhstan.

Yeah. Yeah. It seems like all the toys are connected to an app that gives you a virus that fucks up your phone somehow. Yeah. I guess maybe that's what we had on this generation. Our cartoons were a lot worse, but our toys were not talking to Mark Zuckerberg. Furby, report. Yes, Mr Mark Zuckerberg. Furby,

report. Yes, Mr. Zuckerberg. Apparently Jordan likes cats. Oh man, shut up Furby. Don't tell Zuckerberg I like cats. And also seasonal monster cereals. Oh man.

Excellent Furby, self-destruct. No, no no don't make me i've just learned what love was self-destruct you are lord who knew that this whole time furbies could speak full english they just chose to go to fuck with us. They're programmed to do that in the presence of humans. It's the eighth law of robotics. They don't get up that high, usually, but it's something. Why didn't Congress bring this up with Zuckerberg? Yeah, right? Furby cannot let harm come to a human. Or through a national human to come to a human. Or through an action, allow a human to come to harm. Furby must never kill Furby.

I know I'm getting to the Planet of the Apes rules here, but... Andy Serkis is great at everything. Yeah, great at everything. If the umpire calls an infield fly, that means that the runner is dead. He's out. And so there is no force play at the other bases. That's also one of the rules of Furbies. Yes. We all know them. Why are we... And the audience knows them too. I don't know why we're sitting here rattling off these Furby rules that everybody

knows. Don't feed them after midnight too. That's one other. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, you know this. Yes, I do. I think the listener knows this, but every Jordan Jesse

Go is, of course, supported by the members of Maximum Fun. I should hope they know that. Like people who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join and signed up to kick us a few bucks a month. Those people always support our work. But there are some special companies who

occasionally support our work and we like to take the time to thank them when appropriate. This week, our thanks go to Libby. Libby, by the way, this is exciting. Sometimes we have a sponsor on the show that we're perfectly glad to share. This is one that we're excited to share. Libby is a free reading app created by Overdrive that lets you borrow e-books and audio books from your library on your phone, tablet, your Kindle, your computers. All you need is a gosh darn library card, and goodness knows I have one of those. Yeah, I can't imagine you're listening to this show and not in possession of a card from your local library. It'd be crazy. You're throwing money away if you don't have a library card.

Jordan, in my estimation, I would say more than 50% of the people listening to this right now have issued a library card. I think... More than 50% of people have processed the paperwork and handed someone a library card. That's how library-oriented our audience is. And I think even if you haven't issued a library card, you definitely have the little fob on your key ring, and maybe you're holding it up in your Tinder profile picture. Or Bumble or whatever your dating app of choice is.

Just to let people know you're a reader. You don't even need a library card to check out samples of books. And it's just like a real library. You borrow books. They return themselves automatically after the loan expires. You can borrow them again. I actually, I have an audio book recommendation, Jordan. Please, let's hear it.

Check out your local library using Libby and check out the book, The Glory of Their Times. I mean, look, it's a wonderful read as well, but it is an oral history of early baseball from all these sort of semi-legendary baseball players of the early 20th century. And if you even have a passing interest in baseball or American history, it is the most fascinating, delightful, uh, like it's just full of like great lingo and stuff. And the audio book is from, is the actual audio of these old-time baseball players. And I think it was like 1960-ish that they recorded these, telling the stories of their lives. It is like the funniest, most fascinating, wonderful.

It's like maybe the greatest baseball book ever and certainly the greatest baseball audio book ever. So glory of their times. That's my recommendation. I'm looking here on the Libby site. And it looks like you can uh you can get a lot of good stuff uh stuff from uh you got a sally rooney on here you got uh oh the memoir educated fantastic read one of my uh favorite books i've read recently uh just a just a fascinating read and you got a hank green on anything you would Danielle Steele ooh la la

have you ever seen that picture of Danielle Steele's desk no I haven't what's her desk like sexy she was a big deal in San Francisco uh and in San Francisco politics because she was like the richest person in San Francisco she was worth like hundreds of millions of dollars. And she very famously had a desk that looked like a giant stack of Danielle Steele novels. And people should Google it because it's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Anyway, Libby. Start reading with Libby now. Go to meet.libbyapp.com to sign up. That's meet.libbyapp.com to sign up. It's the only free reading app created by Overdrive and named after my childhood friend Evan's mom, Libby. Get the app and own the Libby's. That's, they did not, that's not part of their copy. That's not how it works.

That's not. I'm just pitching maybe some copy. Meet.libbyapp.com is where you find it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Blaine Kapach. Hey, hi. Hey, hi, Blaine.

Hey, hi. Hey, hi. Hey, hi. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call, 206-9844-FUN, or just record a voice memo and email it to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We might run it on our segment, Momentous Occasions, which is the segment we're now doing by playing one of the calls that brian has brian jordan jesse powerful guest this is luke in seattle calling with a momentous occasion uh the other day i was uh at the waterfront in a town in my neck of the woods and I was trying to dunk a 360 degree camera underwater to see what what looked like underwater turns out mostly just rocks down there but while I was

doing this a stranger approached me from a socially distanced distance and asked me if I were magnet fishing and he had his whole magnet fishing regalia and I was so thrilled to have met a real life member of r slash magnet fishing which I've heard so much about from the illustrious Jesse Cohen. So I was mistaken for a magnet fisher when I was just being a different kind of weirdo and I met a real life magnet Fisher. And I thought that was thrilling. Uh,

also if you're looking for another, uh, hysterically mundane Reddit to join at Jesse, might I recommend our slash flashlights, which is just weird guys who really love flashlights. Thanks. Love the show. Bye.

I spotted a magnet Fisher recently and, uh, my friends from the Autobahn Society were so impressed. So, Blaine, you and I worked together for years on At Midnight, a show that culled most of its topics from weird subreddits. Did you have a favorite, or do you still have a favorite, like, weird Reddit world do you still have a favorite like weird Reddit world that you still follow? You know, I just sort of, no, not really.

I'm surprised. I haven't gone down any holes lately. Now that you mentioned it, they've all, if I've done anything, it's all run out of my head. Like I've walked into a grocery store without a list. That is so healthy. That is such a healthy thing to do Like I've walked into a grocery store without a list. That is so healthy. That is such a healthy thing to do.

What, going into a grocery store without a list? No, I mean, leaving weird internet gunk behind when you don't have to consume it. Yeah. You know, I did feel like I was getting, do you know how when you can sleep too much and you sleep too much and then you feel puffy and weird and your eyes itch because you slept too much? Yeah. I felt like that about the internet a few times where I'm like, where you say out loud, I have to stand up and walk away. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like there's a point where you do consume so much internet, if it's part of your job.

And then it's to the point where, for me, it was like, I couldn't laugh at things anymore. I could only laugh at a seven-second Vine where Shrek gets hit with a pot leaf and then yells, 9-11 was an inside job. That became the only thing that was something so weird weird and abrasive yeah that's kind of when i knew like oh this is i have had too much internet and i should probably stop having it i recently subscribed to a subreddit called absolute units it's just stuff that's bigger than you would expect right like a giant horse or a huge bulldozer or something. Yeah. Like, you know, those those extra big cats. There's a lot of those cats.

Oh, Maine Coon. Yeah. Or like a super huge rabbit. Yeah. Jesse, is anything going on on the magnet fishing subreddit lately? How are how are they dealing with COVID? I was just talking. Well, I mean, it's basically the ideal

COVID hobby. It's outdoors, it's meditative and relaxing, and when you're doing it, no one's going to come close to you. No one will want to talk to you. It's too weird. I was talking actually to my wife about that subreddit earlier today, And she said to me, do people find anything good? And the answer is no, they do not. They don't find anything good. Like the best thing, like if you sort the subreddit by top for the past year, so you're just looking at the top posts for the past year, So you're just looking at the top posts for the past year. They're all just unusably slimy bicycles. But isn't the thing like one guy once in like 2015 got a suit of armor and now they're all just trying to like find that next suit of armor?

I don't know. Have you ever dropped a suit of armor into a river in Alabama? No, I guess that's the issue. Yeah, maybe you dropped a bicycle in there once and then it got super slimy. But besides that, I don't think so. I really don't think. I mean, the thing that impresses me the most about it, it's like if you're a metal detector, which I think is the hobby, I think we can agree is the hobby that's closest to that. If you're a metal detector, especially like in Europe,

sure, you're finding buttons. But like every once in a while, maybe you find like a Roman button. And once every 10 years, you find a gold button. You know what I mean? Whereas with magnet fishing, you're literally getting tin cans or whatever magnets stick to. I don't know if magnets stick to tin, but you're just getting like hobo cans, you know,

where the top is coming off and it just says beans on the side. Right, right. It's a classic hobo can. Yeah. Have you guys seen It Takes a Pet Like No Problem? I'm sorry, what? This is basically the hottest internet vid that I've seen. I'm going to say all year.

I'm going to say this is the internet vid of 2020. It is from the Twitter account Bodega Cats. Do you guys follow Bodega Cats? Yes. Yeah, there was a lot of controversy about bodegas and bodega cats on Twitter the other day. Oh my. Oh, okay. I hope I'm not

walking into a minefield here by describing one of their tweets. It got very provincial about New York and bodegas. I love New York and I love bodegas, but it got very strange very fast. Yeah. I mean, New York City, the greatest city in the United States, one of the greatest cities in the world world they get real huffy real quick about their corner stores sure they're like well yours don't have cats in them i see that's the main thing they say they're well they also say like that you can't get toilet paper and in ours but you can so the cats thing is the one thing that they say that is true yes yeah i mean and to their credit, a pretty serious advantage.

Yeah. Ours also don't have a small griddle on which they make weird things that you make on a tiny griddle. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. One thing that we do have in the stores out here are health regulations. Yeah. So it's just, what are you gonna do yeah so this is fair so this both the bodega cats twitter account just mainly post pictures of cats you know like falling asleep on a 12 pack of

miller high life and i love i love this i love this every time it comes up but sometimes there will be a video and this video was of someone, the filmer, the person filming, is holding, is basically palming this kitten, like palming a kitten that is the size that you could palm it. And someone else, a bodega customer, I suspect, is there, and he's just petting the cat, petting the cat as hard as a person can pet. You know, it's like that Simpsons where Nelson's petting Santa's little helper. He's like, you got to pet him so you can feel it. It's that sort of petting.

And in the most soprano-sy, soprano guy voice, he says, oh, it takes a pet like no problem. It's not afraid of nothing. That's a great cat right there. And then it's over. And then you watch it 12 more times. And then you go under a blanket. That sounds great.

The best. It's the fucking, it takes a pet like no problem. It's in that great, great category of internet video. Someone with intense regional accent doing something kind of mundane it's so funny yeah well you know what jordan we takes a call like no problem we takes a call like no problem go ahead brian hey jordan jesse and Oh, driving there's a cop. Passed him. Might be turning around.

He might be coming for me. Before that happens, I just passed someone walking down the side of the road. Normal looking guy with a bag of potato chips stuffed into his pants in front of him open presumably so that he could reach in it and eat as he walked.

Just wanted to share that. Not seeing that cop. I think he'd be here by now. I guess he's not coming for me. All right. Love you guys. Love you, too. Do you think this is one of those Rudolph Giuliani just tucking in the shirt situations?

Yeah. He's like, I wasn't eating Fritos. I was tucking in my shirt. Yeah. Do you think that guy, this is just, we're just talking about, it's not a stranger. This is America's mayor. Yeah. Also, don't call the podcast while you're driving.

At least if you're calling the podcast while you're driving, use a hands-free device. Use a hands-free device. Also, if you're eating potato chips out of your penis area, use a hands-free device. Yes, there you go. Have Siri do it. Hey, Siri. Exactly. Feed me chips out of my pants. Hey, Alexa, play Huey Lewis and the News sports. My phone is actually responding to this.

Fun-ins fit on penis. God. You need to write something down. I can fit mine into the scoop of a Frito. You know what? I got some raisin bran, by the way, and two scoops of raisins. Too many raisins. Thank you. How many, like way, and two scoops of raisins. Too many raisins. Thank you.

How many, like one and a half scoops? Do you think it's way too many or just kind of too many? It's like seasoned to taste with raisins, but like a couple of them. It's just like, oh my God, I just ate three giant mouthfuls of raisins. And you know what else is another thing I'd like to address, which is raisins. Those are just old grapes. Finally, somebody's saying it. They're feeding us old grapes like it's a fucking delicacy.

Jesse, man, you and Jordan Peterson, the only guys telling the truth. Thank you very much. I'm a man's man. You're intellectually honest. I appreciate that. Yeah. Did you guys read that great Ben Shapiro tweet that just said, I went to Harvard Law School, raisins are old grapes? Right.

Telling it like it is. Guy's a straight shooter. Very relatable. Everybody loves him. I heard he lives in a peach. Yeah. I heard the same. Why not?

That's a great tactic for when you don't know enough polls about someone. Just like, oh, yeah, I heard they were born in a clam. I heard he's a giant who saves his farts. I hear he can turn into a fine mist. 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Hi, it's me, Dave Hill from before. Here to tell you about my brand new show on Maximum Fun,

the Dave Hill Good Time Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show, Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident, with my old radio show, the goddamn Dave Hill Show, into one new futuristic program from the future. If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests, technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real-life listeners, you've just hit a street called easy i'm also joined by my incredible co-host the boy criminal chris gersbeck say hi

chris hey dave it's really great that's enough chris and new jersey chicken rancher des say hi des hey dave dave hill good time hour brand new episodes every friday on maximum fun plus the show's not even an hour. It's 90 minutes. Take that, stupid rules. We nailed it. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott.

And we host Round Springfield. Round Springfield is a Simpsons-adjacent podcast where we talk to your favorite Simpsons writers, voice actors, and everyone who's worked on the show to talk about shows that aren't The Simpsons adjacent podcast where we talk to your favorite Simpsons writers, voice actors, and everyone who's worked on the show to talk about shows that aren't The Simpsons. So we're going to be talking to people like David X. Cohen, Yardley Smith, Tim Long about other projects they've worked on. Sometimes projects that didn't go well.

Some failures. Some rejection. Some failed pilots. Some failed life events. Yeah, we just talk to all the failures of The Simpsons. Yeah. So if you really love your Simpsons trivia and want to get to know the people who have worked on The Simpsons

a little bit better, come by Round Springfield every other week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Blaine Kapach, just back from a summer room. Milk and rattle snakes in Mexico.

Welcome back, Blaine. Thanks. My dreams really take it out. Milk those snakes. They love it. They really do's it relieves pressure sure blaine we were talking before uh before the recording you guys have been able to keep the nerd poker dnd podcast going during all this right it's true it's true it's fun uh we play every week a couple episodes a week. We see each other, which helps. Oh, yeah. You have a Zoom component?

We do. It's all Zoom. This is just a little glimpse behind the curtain here. We actually don't use Zoom for this podcast. So we have not seen each other this whole time. We're using a program called Clean Feed. And there's pros and cons. I mean, the con is maybe you feel a little bit less connected. It's a little harder to tell when somebody wants to talk. There's a little more over talk. But the pros are I can just eat Fritos out of my pants this whole time. Just reach in there, grab a salty handful. Oof. Wait, you guys can hear each other? I can't hear anything. I'm just guessing as to what's being talked about. Well, that explains a lot about the content of the

show. Yeah. Boy, howdy. Well, you know what? Now that you mentioned it, the first time I saw Tony Basil was probably at the opium den. I had gone there to see the cow sills. And next thing you know, I'm going, who is she? And that was Tony Basil. Yeah. No, I also would love to know karate. Yeah, that'd be great. Just really kick some tail. I can turn into a fine mist. I'm a giant that saves his farts. The prestige. Blaine, you guys always get great people for nerd poker who have you had on recently we had the

Roy Orbison hologram absolutely amazing congratulations actually we just had N'Gayo Beelum I don't know if you know N'Gayo oh Bay Area Marijuana Comedian N'Gayo Beelum he's a very nice man very funny too yeah good guy

we have Tom lennon on there from the beatles i don't know if you heard that guy yeah he was the cute one right the cute one no i think that was that was geach kook the guy that went on harder country we're talking about the beatles right the beatles that was the bear okay right yeah you're thinking of the bear oh oh oh you mean bj and the bear yeah right hey do you remember there was a tv show it was called a year at the top do you remember it and it had greg Evigan, who was in BJ and the Bear, and also Paul Schaefer, of course, from Letterman. But they played these three elderly musicians, and they sell their soul to the devil to be young, top-of-the-charts singers for one year. Do you remember this show at all? No. Not in the slightest.

And this was some wild 80s network TV thing? It must have been late 70s, maybe before the 80s, but they had a TV movie and it had Greg Evigan and Paul Schaefer in it. They did a short season.

I don't know if it was canceled early, only a few episodes, but how do you wrap that up at the end when the devil comes for your souls i guess just like season two is just in hell season two is just the main characters being tormented in hell it was based actually directly on paul shaver's experience selling his soul to the devil to get co-writing credit on It's Raining Men. All right. That dude's farting through silk.

Yeah. After publishing on the Weather Girls. Come on. I'm telling you. How much do you think? I wish I could Google it, find out what Paul Schaefer's worth. I'm just very curious. Hmm.

No. I guess there's no way to do that. Jesse, can you jump on maybe fogdog.com and see if they have any answers? Yeah. It says venture capital from 1995. I don't know. Interesting. Well, they got it right here on Nick's check cashing place.

He's worth $54,000. Cool. That's a nice nest egg. That's good. No, that's not bad. That's a mid-tier luxury vehicle. Sure, yeah. It's Canadian, which is worth like $78 million.

Oh, wow. Get yourself an Infiniti with that money. That explains it. Maybe an Acura. I can turn into a fine mist. Well, Blaine, it has been a delight to have you on the program. We are grateful to hear your voice. Thank you for coming on the show. And we hope you'll come back soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. Thanks for having me.

Our show produced by Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. We are on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. We're on Instagram at put.this.on and at Jordan David Morris. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for Jordan Jesse Go or join the Maximum Fun group. And we are on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design,

courtesy of our friends in The Free Design and of course at Light in the Attic Records. And I think that's about it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. It takes a pet like no problem.

Right? Not afraid at all. That takes a pet like no problem. Right? Not afraid at all. That's a great cat right there. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.