Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 67: A Donk Deferred

Episode Date: July 9, 2008

What happens to a donk deferred?  Also: recipes and household tips, the world is falling apart, finding your dad's porn, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dum, f falling apart at the seams.

What happens to a donk, deferred, and much, much more terrifying information? Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan. Yes. Has the world gone mad?

Well, yeah, clearly. It's insanity out there in the streets. Yeah. Babies are making babies. Touch football. Touch football, people. Flag football, for that matter. I wasn't aware of this.

Yeah, people. Holy shit, it's worse than i thought yeah exactly whatever happened to patriotism jordan what happened to having a man in an army hat carry around a flag yeah i know right you know what i mean maybe they've forgotten about um a little statue of george washington crossing the del Exactly. Why don't people remember that statue? Exactly. If they did, they wouldn't be playing flag football, I can tell you that much. How about this?

What? How about a visit to Monticello for the flag? Yeah. Fucking bullshit-ass flag. My point here, Jordan. Jordan. Yeah. I don't think...

You know our friend Brian back in business lane I think he can explain what's going on In the world better than we can Jordan Jesse Go This is Brian back in business lane I was walking down the street And a fucking pigeon just flew Into my leg

What the hell is happening See what I mean Jordan Man when they stop fearing man, that's when things have really gone to shit. Jordan, Jesus Christ himself gave us dominion over the beasts of the land and sea. Yeah, I

remember. Apparently that pigeon hasn't read his Bible. Yeah, exactly. Riddle me this try to crack open the king james there hootie when i was a baby pigeon they taught me to read using a bible yeah now they probably get you know what they probably learned to read on my uh simon has two daddies i was gonna guess a book by ke Olbermann, but yes, the same sort of general... Liberal conservative situation.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's clear. I don't think it's even worth saving. I'm going to be honest with you. Oh, you're saying just nuke the whole fucking lot of them? Yeah, let them nuke themselves. Yeah. They've got nukes. Little kids have nukes now

sure atomic warheads i've seen it that's what an iphone is exactly exactly second generation 3g yeah touch screen my ass yeah that's swahili code for atomic blast the africans are coming to get us jordan that's what this is about at the end of the day you have to look to the container ships who's on the container ships africans where are they coming to they're coming to get us you see what i'm saying here jordan man have i made myself clear no no this I mean, I feel like this is all just making sense for the first time. It was right in front of my goddamn face, but I couldn't see it. Jordan, I'm talking about... Because I was too clouded by all the...

Media misrepresentations. Sure. I'm talking about... By Mr. Keith Oberman. Oh, my God. Shit. This is intense. Jordan, I'm talking about collusion between the solar energy lobby.

Wow. Zero Halliburton brand luggage. Hold on. The metallic kind. Can we throw chemtrails in there? Absolutely. There's chemtrails everywhere. I know.

I'm talking about, you know who I blame for the chemtrails? Who? Goebbels. Yeah. It's mainly their fault. I know. I'm talking about, you know who I blame for the chemtrails? Who? Goebbels. Yeah. It's been their fault. Now, I'll grant you, in this case, most of these assertions have a lot of evidence behind them. This Goebbels thing is purely a hunch.

But, Jordan... But how often are your hunches wrong? That's probably not a good way to... Well... No, they're typically wrong, but... Sure. but in this case though you're due exactly my hunch is due the chemtrails come from the gerbils the gerbils belong to the africans the africans are riding the container ships and who's their master mr keith oberman god man Just because that countdown is so funny,

we all don't see it, you know? Exactly. The countdown is so consistently funny, we just don't see the kind of nefarious leanings that he has. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. He's got that lesbian friend on the TV. You know what I'm talking about, Jordan?

No. It's a dangerous situation. Yeah. Bill Matlock,lock i think is her name he'll play a he'll play a viral video on tv yeah exactly jordan that's not the place for a viral vid jordan what we have a show to do so we better pull it together yeah when do you want to start the show well let's start as soon as we play this little song. Okay. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jordan? Yes. Head down, eyes closed. All right. Keep it, boy detective. Jordan? Yes. Head down, eyes closed. Alright. Keep it focused. Okay. You see what I'm saying here, Jordan? Why do I have to close my eyes? It's less fun if I explain it to you. Okay. Alright. Anyway.

Something's gonna hit you in the face. Don't freak out. Yeah, sure. It's gonna hit you in the face oh gross i just got it okay um jordan yes a lot of people have been asking me donk related questions sure i seriously get jordan one three two donkey emails every week wow you see what i'm saying here jordan is there a room in your inbox anymore i hereby room in your excite.com inbox jordan what number one i'm not on excite.com i use jesse thorn at excite.com right jesse thorn my coke rewards.com do they have email addresses yeah you have no idea how many fucking two liter bottles of coke i had to drink to get to get that fucking email address wow oh seriously i got i wish that i knew that you get double points for coke zeros

yeah you found that out a little too late yeah i know and you get negative points for cherry coke i gained 45 pounds especially given how much i love cherry coke it was really a long road to hoe you could have only gained 43 pounds jordan what let me ask you this question. Yes. Do you think that if you have an outlet, if thousands of people are listening to what you're saying, taking your words to heart, putting at and then your Twitter name, and then sending you a little message on Twitter. Do you think that you have a responsibility to not just entertain but also engage that audience in activism, in social endeavors?

Get people connected to their communities and the important issues of the day. Yes. Correct. Okay. Absolutely correct, Jordan. Look at us here. I'm going to give us as an example. We're two guys, 26 and 27 years old.

Respectively. I don't know if it's respectively. We're financially just fine. Sure. We have white privilege, of course. Ooh, that's nice. I haven't thought about that in a while. I know.

You've got to unpack your knapsack every once in a while. You know what I'm saying? This is nice. I can have any job I want. Exactly. If you're on trial, you can know that a if you're on a uh if you're on trial you can know that most of the people on the jury are going to look like you you would not believe you should unpack this every every so often just unpack that knapsack of white privilege

why doesn't everybody do this i know that's what i'm saying i that's what i don't understand about uh that uh black guy running for president but that's another whole other thing yeah that's a whole other don't get me started i mean then it's on to terrorists in the middle east but yeah i don't trust him no i don't trust him past the end of my nose my friend uh he's got divided loyalties ethnically speaking same reason i don't trust tiger woods exactly well that and tiger woods has done some horrible things to your family yeah but i don't want to go into that because there's legal ramifications yeah it's pending there's a court case pending jordan yes focus here head down eyes closed we're talking about we're talking about ankles we're

talking about activism sure jordan so we're on the same wavelength here when i say that it's not just a good option for us to to activize i will say activize our listenership it's also incumbent upon us it's our moral responsibility to do that okay yeah i'll go with that we need to protest the National Parks Service. Well, Jesse, the National Parks Service has been nothing but kind to us. Well, that's what you think. Yeah. You're claiming that's baloney. All my experiences, my 12 or 13 dozen experiences with a member of the National Parks Service have been, with a few exceptions, pretty positive.

Hey, tell that to America's favorite bear, Yogi Bear. Yeah. What do you think that guy thinks of the National Park Service? Oh, yeah, I mean, I guess he has a thing with it, but, you know what, he's just... That guy doesn't care about anything. Jordan! That is a religious-less bear.

Jordan! What? Tell that to the donks. Oh, my gosh. Has there been some sort of donk ban placed jordan what there are outrages and then there are outrages you see what i'm saying in one just for the capital o outrages capital o u-t-r-a-g-G-E-S. Yeah. All caps. Outrageous. Like an email from your aunt. Mm-hmm.

Here's the deal. So we had a donk vendor lined up for our wedding. So I guess just to reset this for a second for people who may not have listened to the donk episode, Jesse, in order to make his upcoming wedding reception, I guess I should say, a little bit more novel, wants to rent out... And adorable. Sure. Wants to rent out donks, which are tiny donkeys, and minis, which are mini horses, to hang around the reception.

Exactly. They're the most adorable creatures. Donks are more adorable than minis, but minis are still pretty cute. Sure. We've got a listener on the forum who's been posting. She's got a donk and a mini at her farm in Minnesota. I think it's in Minnesota. And she's been posting some pictures. I think her name is Kay Fury, if I'm remembering correctly. Sure. They're beautiful creatures, adorable creatures. You just want to give them a big hug is the situation, Jordan.

Okay. So I've been wanting to have some donks at my wedding that's been my contribution to the wedding right theresa's in charge of flowers guests etc yeah i was like wedding don't worry honey i'll take care of the donks okay so she said what's a dog yeah then I explained it, and she was on board. Okay. Absolutely on board. No, that's not true. I didn't have to explain it to her. I talk about donks a lot.

Sure. That's just the facts. Okay. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? That's just the facts. So we found a donk vendor, but that donk vendor is too far away. So this is what we did, Jordan, because persistence is the key to success. persistence is the key to success.

We sent an email via Teresa's friend Jessica who's a horse enthusiast to the San Francisco Bay Area Horse Club email list. And guess what? The Horse Club email list came through in spades

because we found a new donk vendor. Wow. But wait, Jordan. Oh my gosh. I don't like where this is going. There's a dark side to this presidential candidate. Wow. Wow.

The United States Parks Service. Power through here, man. There's no judgment the u the u.s parks service who apparently are in charge of fort mason i thought that the decommissioned naval ship that you can visit at fort mason was in charge of fort mason but i guess the park service inanimate object was in charge of Fort Mason, but I guess the park service... You thought an inanimate object was in charge? Well, the officers on board, Jordan...

Oh, okay. I'm sure they have a crew. It's a naval ship. Yeah, but I mean, it's inactive, so... Jordan, let's say... I mean, I guess there's a basic upkeep, like cleanliness and stuff. A man with those... Not like a mess hall.

There's not a... With those flat butt and flat crotch pants and one of those little white hats told you what to do at Fort Mason. Would you do what he said? Do the clothes fit him? Jordan. Or does he look like

he maybe knocked someone out and stole them? Jordan. Probably. Head down, eyes closed. Let's focus in on this here. Okay. You do what he said, because he runs the place. Sure. It turns out that a sniveling park ranger,

now I've not seen this man, but I presume him to be sniveling, has certain quote-unquote health code and liability issues, WRT, with regard to donkage. Hmm. So the concern is that maybe donks are filthy. They have a lot of diseases and maybe they'll just kind of shit without regard to, you know, anything. And number one, they do not have a lot of diseases. And what diseases they do have are most likely donk diseases

and not man diseases. So I can understand the concern if we had, in addition to the performing donks, invited donks as guests who are then going to eat the tacos that we are serving at the wedding. You see what I'm saying here jordan right however we have not invited any donks as guests because they are a lesser form of life sure more adorable but fundamentally less significant again god gave man dominion over beasts of land and sea

right you see what i'm saying here jordan i know the prophet isaiah once said that donks were to men as paula abdul is to madonna hmm because i probably just thought he was speaking in tongues back then yeah well he probably was sure it just happens that that maybe works out to make a little bit of sense. I mean, you should look at the book of the prophet Isaiah's writings. If you can pick out one sentence in there that makes sense and it can have very context. That's it. That's the one, really.

So anyway, I'm trying to think about what I can do in my life to protest the National Park Service. I'm going to start with this. For the rest of this calendar year, 2008, I hereby pledge not to visit Yellowstone National Park. Whoa. Are you sure you're prepared for that? You're just blowing smoke, right? If I do visit, I'll have Teresa pay for one person while I hide in the trunk. Wow, you're not fucking around.

And if I see any bears, I'm just going to give them my picnic basket. Wow. What you should do is you should pack two picnic baskets, one for you guys and one for the bear. How about this? I'm going to pack two picnic baskets, one for the bear, one for another second bear that I see later. Wow.

That's going to just eradicate years of conditioning they had to put those bears through not to steal picnic baskets. I'm just going to erase all their conditioning. Jordan, listen to me. Celebrity pastor Rick Warren may have given man dominion over the beasts, but that does not mean that it is the national... In his 1998 sermon...

Sorry. You thought you had something there, Jordan. I was going to say Christacular or something like that. Yeah. That was early in his career when he was still building up his celebrity pastor following. Anyway, this is what I want to do. Sure. We've got this listener base, 4,000 listeners out there.

I need to come up with some innovative ideas to protest the National Park Service and their disgusting anti-donk policies. Are you prepared to chain yourself to something? Absolutely. What is it? For how long? Like a burger? Nah.

I mean, nothing you could eat. An In-N-Out burger. Like the In-N-Out burger at the restaurant or the sandwich? No, the sandwich. Animal style. Double-d double animal style. I will chain myself to a double, double animal style until the entire sandwich is gone. So like four minutes?

Yeah. How's the National Park Service going to get wind of this? I'll notify them. By postcard or twitter twitter probably twitter yeah you think they have a twitter account just for the entire national park service as a whole at nps i said at nps just so you know no that's going to be too long yeah you have a character limitation here at nps i'm chained to a burger. Because you have to keep it short for Twitter because there's not that many letters in it.

How are they going to read that and realize that it's in protest to the donk policy? What else would I be protesting? Everybody loves National Parks. Do they know who you are? Well, yeah. They said I couldn't bring donks on. Yeah.

You know, they probably have that on file somewhere. They probably have to file every... It's a national organization. It's like the Smithsonian. What if you wrap the donks in plastic? Like a shrink wrap? Yeah, like a shrink wrap or a bubble wrap. Or like a hamster ball.

Do they have a donk ball? I have a better idea. Hmm. Hey, did you ever do the exercise where you put vaseline on your face and then you lay the strips of uh the strips of like uh you know like gauze bandage dipped in plaster of paris on there and then you make a mask of your face and then you can decorate it with however you want did you call this an exercise uh yeah have you ever done this? Like an arts and crafts exercise? Is this something you do in a class in summer camp?

No. No, never mind. Yeah, I did do that. I think I did that in third grade. Right, so I would do that with the donks. You have to put straws in their nostrils. So they don't suffocate. Yeah, you don't want them to suffocate.

So they're just going to walk around in giant casts? They can't walk, Jordan. Why don't you just make the casts and put the casts out? That's not very cute. Seems comparably cute. No, donks are really cute. Right. A cast of a donk's not that cute unless you drew it. So basically all that's separating.

Maybe if you drew a really good, do you know any really good artists? Maybe if a really good artist drew a really cute picture of a donk on the side of the cast. Yeah. But I mean, basically the only way you'd be able to tell if it was a donk,

or, you know, a donk wrapped, the only way you'd be able to tell if it was a donk wrapped in plaster or a plaster cast of a donk would be the two straws sticking out right which is the cutest part of the whole thing why don't you just put the straws in the um in the plaster casts jordan i'm not the national park service i'm not

duplicitous you're right i've got some values sure you know what i'm saying? I understand Christ's laws. You see what I'm saying here, Jordan? I mean, get serious for a minute. I will. Sorry. Sorry I was being blasphemous. I forgive you this time. Wow.

This time. Your forgiveness is tenuous. Jordan. Just like Christ's. What? We have one month. The forgiveness is tenuous. Jordan.

Just like Christ. What? We have one month. This is going to be a month of nightmares for the National Park Service. So you're calling full-scale war. This is a jihad, if you will. Wow. Now, just so you know, Jordan, a lot of people think jihad always means holy war.

You know what I'm saying? They think jihad always means holy war, means terrorism. They can be a civic war. That's not true. In this case, it's a war of protests against the National Park Service, which is a secondary definition. Sure. Tertiary definition. Made-up definition.

Right. Made-up definition. Absolutely. So, I'm throwing it out there. That's what we have a community for, Jordan. Yeah. That's what the community is for. I think we're going to get, what about this? Each listener, we have thousands of listeners.

Each one of our thousands of listeners makes a thousand paper cranes, but writes donk on them so they know that each one represents a donk. Sure. You see what I'm saying? Why not a paper donk? You string them. They're no such thing. Okay.

You string them together with a wire. I'd probably use a fine piano wire. Sure. Like a fishing line? Yeah, a fishing line would be great, but like a deep-sea fishing line, something with a lot of strength. Sure. You're looking for tensile strength.

but like a deep sea fishing line, something with a lot of strength. You're looking for tensile strength. And then you've got, so you've got thousands of thousands of paper cranes with Donk written on them so they know it represents Donk. Then here's the piece de resistance, Jordan. Yeah. You put straws in the nostrils, wrap them up in plaster of Paris, send them on their way so okay so let's let's say a listener right who who say cracksworth sure for instance wade world yeah say wade would say wade word

was listening yeah um what if they see a member of the what if they see a park ranger like uh you know in line at starbucks or you know whatever somewhere in line for the post office some someplace you might see someone right so are you saying are i i'm guessing violence is is probably what you would prefer some sort of just kind of outburst of violence jordan i would prefer violence but i think that my responsibility here ultimately is to approach this in the spirit of in the same spirit the donks would approach it so in answer to your, well, let me ask you this. Okay. Are there any vending machines with petting zoo chow in them around in this scenario?

I mean. Is it a good grocery store like a Gelson's or is it a lower end grocery store like a Lucky's? Are there grocery stores with food pellets? I think a better one will have some food pellets for the petting zoo, sure. Okay, yeah, just for the sake of argument, yeah, let's say this is happening at a Gelson's or a Bristol Farms or something. That's great news. And you know what else is really good?

Yeah. Just a nice jar of cornichons. You know those little tiny It's like the little Pickles I prefer quince Okay fine If you have an idea 206-9844-FUN is the number to call

JJGO at MaximumFun.org We'll be back in just a second Love you Love you Be back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. My wedding is fast approaching, Jordan. Sure. We've dealt with donkage.

That's one of the big issues that's come up for me. Thoroughly. However, each of us have one additional issue that needs to be aired. Needs to get a little fresh air. See where the sunshine leads us. Okay. Do you see what I'm saying?

We're in some kind of cave. Right. Yeah. So we need some fresh air. Watch out for cave. Right. Yeah, so we need some fresh air. Watch out for bears. Sure. Here's mine. No member of my family seems to be interested in coming to my wedding. You exaggerate that, of course.

Your mom. My mother's coming to my wedding. My father's coming to my wedding. My stepmother's coming to my wedding. My two younger brothers are coming to my wedding. My stepmother's coming to my wedding. My two younger brothers are coming to my wedding. My dad's cousin, Bob Holder, is coming to my wedding. Oh, BH, awesome. I hear that dude will fucking pull a quarter right out of your ear.

I think that my lesbian aunts from Oakland are coming, but they haven't RSVP'd. Okay. That's a long way. What is that, half an hour, an hour? Yeah, well, it depends on traffic. I mean, in certain traffic conditions RSVP'd. Okay. That's a long way. Was that half an hour? An hour? Yeah, well, it depends on traffic. I mean, in certain traffic conditions, it can be an hour. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, they're going to want to listen to the traffic report before they make a decision. Yeah. You don't want to commit to anything you're not prepared to follow through with. Oh, absolutely. If you hear there's some sort of SIG alert, you don't want to go. Yeah, you want to watch out for SIG Sig alerts because that means you're in Southern California. Yeah.

You know, I've lived here my whole life, basically, and been listening to commercial radio where you get a traffic report all my life, and I still don't know what a Sig alert is. I have no idea what a Sig alert is. I feel like it's something that just some guy named, is. I feel like it's something that just some guy named like some traffic guy named like Honky Choppers just made up one day because there wasn't enough shit in his traffic report. Yeah.

And it's stuck, but only in Southern California. Sig Alert. I don't know. I don't know about Sig Alerts, Jordan. Here's a list of people that's not coming. My mom's two sisters who live in the East Coast. Honky Chopper. Yeah, Honky Chopper fucking refuses to come. Just because he's not real. Jesus Christ, what a dick.

My lone surviving grandparent, my grandmother, is not coming. Why is your grandparent not coming? She's old. She's okay. She's fine. Can't make the journey from the old country she she could make the journey but she chooses not to but it's a it's a not an outrageous choice okay um my aunt on my father's side my cousins on my father's side my cousins on my mother's side the only cousins on my mother's side. The only other person that's coming that isn't directly related to me and living there except for my dad's cousin, Bob Holder,

is my stepmother's brother, Thomas, is coming. Do you think they don't approve of my wedding? Yeah, well, I don't know. Have you just not done a lot to endear yourself to them over the years i mean they live 3 000 miles away yeah but i don't know like on my cousins on my father's side i went to their weddings sure did you sulk the whole time do you have a puss on no i didn't have a puss on i bet you did have a i bet you had a puss on i did not have a puss on jordan oh i don't know.

I can just see you there sulking like a little rain cloud. Does having a puss on mean sulking? I don't like the music. There's too much shrimp here. Why do they have Sierra Mist and not Sprite? That's you. That's an impression of you at a wedding. You didn't get the voice right.

No, I got the voice exactly right. It was a pretty good impression. Thank you. I think it's really going to come out when people hear it in their earphones, you know, because then they can hear me talking. Yeah, well, you got to have a nice set of like skull candy earphones if you want to hear that. It's just on a car stereo. It's not going to sound very good.

The thing is for the listener is going to be, when did I stop talking and you started talking? Yeah, it's going to be confusing. It's okay. You know, it's fine. People will muddle through. Yeah. But I seriously wonder, like, I feel like I got stealth disowned by my family. Oh, yeah?

Like you weren't even aware? I had no idea. I thought I was in great with these people. One time when me and Teresa— Do you feel like you perform well at family functions? Do you make a good impression? I mean, the last time there was a major family function, I was 18. Okay.

But I don't feel like... It's not like I got drunk. How'd you do, though? I got drunk and I vomited in the punch. Sounds good to me. Yeah, so it was fun. I think your wedding's probably going to be really good. I'm a party starter, Jordan.

I'm a party starter. Gotta start the party. What do you think, like, it's probably because they disapprove of Teresa, don't you think? Oh, yeah. No, that's kind of the elephant in the room, I think. I think they don't like that Teresa is getting an

advanced degree so she can pursue a professional career. They were disappointed. That's a little snobby. It's kind of snobby. I don't think they like that Teresa is kind to everyone she meets. Yeah. You got to wonder about her motives.

Exactly. She's too polite. She's like that Barack Obama. Yeah. Don't get me started on that guy. Just a little bit too nice. Where do her loyalties lie? Yeah.

She too has also. It's probably because she's mixed ethnicity. Don't you think? That's also an issue. Because she's part German, part British. Oof. Yeah. Right?

I mean, two pretty untrustworthy cultures. Certainly for us here in the United States, I wouldn't trust either of them past the end of my nose. It's weird, though. Your big hook nose. Here's the question, Jordan. If you don't go to the weddings, what do you go to?

I mean, nothing. No, I mean, basically wedding is the number one, you know. Yeah, I mean, you are basically jettisoning jettisoning yourself from that family member and i want to say also that other parts of the all every other demographic group in this wedding list has is coming to my wedding theresa's family are all coming there's going to be 50 of them literally 50 of them. My friends have really, I'm really happy. Like all my friends I feel like are coming, you know,

including some who have to fly in and that kind of thing. People are flying in. Yeah, people are flying in. Brian Beck in Business Lane, he's flying in. God bless him for it. You know, it's really nice. It's nice to know that, you know, your friend wants to fly in from somewhere to come to your wedding.

You see what I'm saying? Sure. nice to know that you know your friend wants to fly in from somewhere to come to your wedding you see what i'm saying sure but my actual family members the ones who saw me running around naked when i was four years old yeah not coming yeah i mean in in in reality though i mean you're not you don't maintain a close relationship though no yeah i know i i can see how you feel but i don't write them a lot of like notes yeah not a lot of mash notes for your auntie i do i have made some mash notes for my auntie but you're right in saying that not a lot of them sure not enough maybe she was just upset because she found out that she was going to be uh maybe she's just upset

because she found out that she was going to be living in a hovel instead of a mansion. She was hoping for a mansion. And then she was all excited because she was getting to marry Heath Ledger and then he died. One of my aunts, Jordan... Is that how you play MASH? Yeah, exactly. I think that is how you play it.

One of my aunts sent my mom an email. There's two primary reasons that she and her husband and children are apparently not coming to my wedding, Jordan. Okay. Number one. Donks. She unexpectedly has to pay about $15,000 in quarterly expected income taxes. Okay.

So she doesn't have the money. Oh. Jordan, do you have any idea how rich you have to be? How much income you have to make in order to have to pay $15,000 in quarterly taxes? Yeah, it's a drop in the bucket. That means she made like four hundred thousand dollars last year jordan yeah okay that's number one so she's crying poverty there's two reasons she's crying poverty here jordan sure number one is the aforementioned

tax situation number two well she and my uncle have already booked book tickets to go on the dave cause smooth jazz cruise oh wow i mean that doesn't that only comes around five or six times a year i know i know i mean dave cause is going to be there it's not just a dave cause impersonator it's the real dave cause i guess boy man yeah that was my that was probably some of his some of his favorite side men are going to be playing are going to be playing uh rare solo gigs yeah well when you know when you go on the neil sadaka uh-huh cruise it's just a neil sadaka impersonator sometimes a transsexual one i learned that one the hard way sure but i mean if you catch my drift jordan is still going on all his own cruises

if you catch my drift oh you fucked it well I was going to until I found a boner sure anyway yeah so I guess if it's a Neil Sedaka impersonator would that be a

female impersonating Neil Sedaka or would that be no female impersonating neil sadaka or would that be it would be yeah no no that would be a no this is what that is neil sadaka is a woman it's a real guy is a woman no it would be a man sure doing what would it be like if neil sadaka was a woman yeah portraying that character. Sure. Well, it's less of a character, more of a fantasy. A decadent Caligulan fantasy. Anyway, I just don't...

It's terrible. It's so... It's like really painful for me, Jordan. Like, I really am... Is it so? I mean, I'm thinking maybe you're feeling pain where you don't need to really yeah i mean but i mean yeah think about just like the time you spend cultivating relationships like yeah it takes it takes x amount of effort to make sure

somebody stays in your life it takes x amount of phone calls yeah you go to the you go to the wedding yeah it's not like i know but i'm just saying like i'm not saying these people are directly related to me yeah but i mean i don't know it seems like it seems like forget about that you know i spent a fair amount of time with them when i lived in washington dc for a couple summers okay we went over their house for dinner on a number of occasions sure we celebrated the fourth of july with them but i mean think about the the time you've spent cultivating relationships and if there with them but i mean think about the the time you've spent cultivating relationships and if there's like yeah i mean it's like where is that where's that relationship cultivating time going i mean in it not you know in it i mean

coco's coming to the wedding no she so don't know what she got going she's staying home with cider oh she would disrupt the wedding. Yeah, that's true. She's rowdy. She would try and chew on the wedding. Mm-hmm. She would just run into the wedding. She would poop the wedding.

She would run into the wedding with a sock in her mouth just flinging her head from left to right. Mm-hmm. But, yeah, I mean, if the people who you've, you know, spent your time, you know, having a relationship with are coming, that should, I mean, should that seem like the people you want there anyways? But aren't your family members... You just want more presents. Is this a presents thing? No, this is not. I'm sure that I anticipate that they'll probably send presents anyway.

Sure. Well, there you go. You'll get your fucking Dutch oven that you won't shut up about have you been talking to that neil sedaka impersonator yeah yeah anyway um okay so jordan yeah there's two things going on here number one is is I had felt like, all my relatives live very far from me, but I've shared Thanksgivings with them and that kind of thing. I had felt like, even though they, those are the people who, even though they live far away and you don't necessarily talk anytime, you're still family and you're there when it counts.

Okay. That's number one thing i felt like number two theresa has thousands of family members descending on this event and i just hoped i would be able to get together if not a battalion at least a squadron uh sure to go up against because you know what's going to be you know what's going to happen jordan family fight i know i know what a wedding is we're going to have i know that the families the brides the bride's family on one side and the groom's family on the other side and the foundations of the church are going to break as the entire church tilts over uh you know bride's word man you see what i'm saying bride's word yeah bride's word i'm not afraid

to say what this is really about jordan it's about a church tipping bride's word. I'm not afraid to say what this is really about, Jordan. It's about a church tipping bride's word. I've already made my peace with the fact that Teresa's cousin was on American Idol and my cousin got kidnapped in the middle of the night and sent to reform school. Okay? I've already made my peace with that, Jordan. With the cousin disparity? Yeah. I've made my peace with that with the cousin disparity yeah i've i've made my peace with that but all i ask is they take a leave of absence kidnap that cousin back from the reform school and bring him out to california for my wedding yeah i mean well maybe i don't know maybe i'll feel differently about it uh if if a wedding time ever comes for me.

But I think I might have a similar situation because I don't have a – I don't have – I mean it sounds like your extended family might even be a little closer than mine. I mean mine is kind of a little bit of a memory at this point. Yeah, I can think of a couple of aunts who would come to my wedding, but I imagine that I'm going to have a pretty... I was excited about my family coming together. Yeah. That's the... Honestly, I was really excited that everyone would be there and we'd all be celebrating

this amazing event. You know what I mean? I gotcha. But the dudes are going to be there. Yeah, the dudes are going to be there. Who do you want to i mean i gotcha and but the dudes are gonna be there yeah the dudes are gonna hang out with the at the wedding anyways you want to hang out with boring old grandma underpants i was hoping you want to hang out with the dudes i want to hang out with dave cause yeah you can't be there because that cruise blow that horn dave blow that horn that's what i would say as i I once said to that Neil Sedaka impersonator.

Yeah, well, think about it that way. Like, think about, okay, well, think about you have X amount of time at the wedding. Right. You have the wedding, and then you have four or five hours at the reception. Uh-huh. Who do you want to hang out with? Now there's not going to be any boring old grannies that you have to make small talk with. Yes, there is.

Teresa's grannies. There will be fewer boring old grannies you have to make small talk with, and it's more time to hang out with the buds. This is what's going to happen, Jordan. What? I'm going to think that I'm going to get to hang out with my buds. Sure. This is what's actually going to happen.

I'm going to hang out with Teresa's 12,000 aunts, uncles, and cousins. Yeah. They're going to be, that's going to be my wedding. Well, there you go. Just think about it that way. They demand all your time anyways so okay fair enough i just thought you know you can't you can make the pieces of the pie smaller by bringing in more people on the other side you see what i'm saying i got you you can't change the do you see where i'm do you understand that i can yeah see that thing you're doing. With... Yeah. Right, right, right. Simple math.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse, you're a little... You seem a little down after that last bit. You know what i yeah i went into it thinking i could make it into a bit it's been four or five hours i know since we

recorded that i know god well way to break up that huge puss on your face way to break the fourth wall jordan yes or as i call it the third earphone i've pulled back the curtain and oz is mopey well okay how about this? Well, maybe it'll cheer you up if we talked about a fun aspect of the wedding, which is the bachelor party. Okay, let's talk about it. Let's go. Okay, number one, I've deputized you to be in charge of this operation. But I don't even get the best man title.

Doesn't that seem like a big fuck you? Yeah, no, it was designed as a fuck you. Doesn't that seem like a hearty fuck you? It was designed as a fuck you. I mean, I put the whole thing together as a fuck you yeah no it was designed that seemed like a hearty fuck you it was designed as a fuck you i mean i put the i put the whole thing together as a fuck you the fact of the matter is that i have a brother who's 18 years old yeah he needs the kind of milestone in his life that being the best man at a wedding would bring him you see what i'm saying here jordan he's at that point in his life but he's not at a point in his life where he knows how to have a good time gotcha he still thinks having a good time involves mario kart yeah what

an asshole man i know types like that only stupid little kids like video games jordan yeah you see what i'm saying here i would go as far as to say babies yeah fucking little where where babies babers baby wants a wiimote yeah uh anyways so actually and i i kind of want to actually direct this next thing to the audience i need a little bit of help people out there in the audience um people who know us sure they've gotten to know us lo these one years yeah. Yeah, sure. I'm sure. Yeah, you know what we're about. And I'm having...

Maybe you've even had your picture taken with one of us. Perhaps. At a live event. Maybe you've attended a meetup at Ikea. Maybe you're Craxworth or Wadeward. Hell, you know, maybe you're Ebeth. No, I don't think you are. I'm certainly not nah okay i i've planned

a bachelor party this is my this is bachelor party numero dos for me i'm gonna offer you this is one going to be one of the challenges jordan i don't like anything this is the issue especially fun yeah this is okay and this okay i have to plan now last time i had to plan a bachelor party for a guy and there were some limitations on this dude um this is my my my best buddy from high school ryan i planned his bachelor party and he made the he made the no female nudity clause and that he wanted to keep it local in Orange County. No, I definitely want to keep it in Orange County. Yeah.

You'd like to keep it at the Irvine Spectrum Entertainment Center specifically. Well, I mean, if I can drill down a little bit here, I'm hoping to have the whole thing in the store that sells only things that glow in the dark okay maybe the magic store too but i want to focus on the glow in the dark stuff store so you know so already i kind of had had two just kind of bachelor party fallbacks right uh eliminated um oh no i was saying with those two limitations, I had to, you know, kind of some limitations placed on it, but it turned out to be really good.

We actually went paintballing in the day. During the day. Because he likes the outdoors and is warlike. Right. So that helped. Now I, in contrast, I hate the outdoors and I am belligerent. Yes. Not. And I am belligerent.

Yes. Not warlike, but belligerent. Sure. And then in the evening, we actually did go to the Irvine Spectrum to Dave and Buster's, which is a big, you know, it's like a TGI Fridays with video games, I guess is the best way to describe it. And we all had drinks and cigars and played video games and had a had a lovely time uh basically all that's out for you yeah so especially the loveliness sure and i'm about the least lovely person what there be and also you know and uh there's no and you um you also have to be in bed by 10 you get a headache so

so here's you see my conundrum jordan yeah i'm throwing that out the window wow i don't have to how late are you prepared to stay up jesse i don't know how crazy can we get 11 15 well here's i mean and i don't want to i don't want to present you all these options because i would like there to be a surprise element that's part of the fun i've been talking with some of the other dudes and we do want to make this a little bit of a surprise okay so the part of the thing is you don't want to tell me if it's vegas or atlantic city yeah either way we're taking the old people bus there sure but you're not going to tell me which place we're taking the pacific cruiser have you ever taken that get that free gambling bus to atlantic city i haven't that is a long journey you're gonna you're gonna want to bring some sandwiches jordan yeah yeah absolutely have you taken that oh yeah many

times i just i much prefer atlantic city to vegas so when i do my gambling uh there's only a few casinos in atlantic city is it in nevada it's in new jersey oh okay so there's only a few casinos in Atlantic City. What state is Atlantic City? Is it in Nevada? It's in New Jersey. Oh, okay. So there's only a few casinos that'll still run the bus all the way out here. Yeah. And a lot of times they'll charge you $5 or $10. Yeah. But I think it's worthy because you got the boardwalk there.

Yeah. You got gambling. And I'm not going to front a lot of really cool jersey dudes sure just dudes that i want to hang out with you know what i mean just like ankle socks nikes oh man just like a really cool like some shiny square toed shoes and just like a super stripy shirt untucked and like a black sport coat over it. Untucked. Just like really cool dudes.

The kind of dudes who you could really borrow some hair gel from. You know what I mean? Okay, so I need some help from listeners. And I know, you know, naturally we kind of want there to be a surprise element. So, I mean, I guess we can't post it in the forum. But people can send me a PM on the forum. a personal message or your username on the forum is jordan it is jordan and i mean also i think i have a i have a bunch of myspace friends from uh from this podcast so i mean a a myspace message will be fine it's myspace.com slash jordan d

morris jordan d morris the D is a cool way of saying the. Yeah, Jordan D. Morris. And Jordan D. Morris is like a crazy, just a really crazy twist on a classic name. So that's it. And I've given out my mailing address on here before, so feel free to just drop me a postie. Yeah, absolutely. That's what I call a postcard. Sure.

Would you prefer, let me ask you this just real quick. Would you prefer a wooden postcard? If they can get it, if they live near a tourist shop or novelty store. If I can get one of those with the copper beaten down around the postcard, maybe there's an Indian on the front. Right. That would be preferable. This is what's important, Jordan, to remember from this whole show.

The whole show. This is the take home. If you're going to send one of those postcards, you have to use a first class stamp, not a postcard stamp. Right. Anyway. Heavier. I think we can end on that. Any ideas?

Okay, go ahead. I mean, I thought we could end on that, but go ahead. No, it's fine. I thought we could just end on the important shit. No, we're going to keep going. But if you want to go on with the frivolity, that's fine. Oh, and this all has to take place in kind of the San francisco ish bay area yeah we're looking at san francisco here so let me ask you okay so you you you are may you're you don't like you don't like female

nudity right this is not something you like here's you're against women women not having clothes on at any point um here's the thing jordan okay yes sure as a general rule women should be clothed as a general rule you know i'm as gay as the day is long sure a real puff here's the thing though i am having a bachelor party sure And I feel like if I'm gonna Do depraved stuff Right Now normally what somebody does When they do depraved stuff

Is they get really drunk first And then they say oh man I was really wasted Sure Yes it's another Jesse limitation I forgot to mention No drugs or alcohol Yeah no drugs or alcohol I mean I won't be having No drugs or alcohol. Yeah, no drugs or alcohol. Well, I mean, I won't be having any drugs or alcohol. I don't think I'm going to break that one.

If other people are going to be drinking, to some extent, at the very least. Sure. I mean, I don't want anybody passing out, but I'm sure other people are going to be having some drinks, so they're not going to have any fun. But here's what I'm saying. I don't have that. This is going to be the one window in my life where if I do something depraved,

I can go like, that was my bachelor party. Sure. Because here's the bad news. I really love Teresa. Sure. I think I'm going to be sticking around. Sure.

And so I'm probably never going to be depraved ever again. Yeah. So I'm of two minds about it is the answer to that question. Of the, okay. About with regard to nudity. Oh, interesting. I thought maybe you had ruled it out entirely. No, I haven't ruled it out.

Oh, interesting. I haven't ruled it out. I haven't ruled it in. I'm not demanding it. Sure. But I'm seriously considering it. Huh, interesting. I haven't ruled it out. I haven't ruled it in. I'm not demanding it. Sure. But I'm seriously considering it. Huh, interesting. Okay, well.

Hmm. Now here's a catch, though. A new wrinkle in my slacks. Normally what I would do, if I was a normal person, the whole idea does make me a little uncomfortable, so I would get a little drunk first. Sure. That's not in the cards.

No. Well, okay. I was going to suggest this as kind of a a buffer maybe it's not necessary i was going to suggest this what about like a uh what about like a saucy burlesque show yeah that sounds great what if what if we just got tyler to give me a handjob yeah and tyler you're our friend from college yeah our buddy from college tyler that sounds pretty good our male buddy from college i Tyler. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. Our male buddy from college. I think he would give us a handjob. He's been on Jordan, Jesse, Go! before, hasn't he? Yeah, he's a jerk.

Loyal fans know who Tyler is. He'd do it. He feels really bad because he's not going to be at the wedding. Oh, yeah, yeah, he's not. That's true. Because he's got a buddy's wedding he's officiating at the same time. Yeah. So, I'm just throwing that out there.

Possible compromises. Handjob from an old friend yeah okay and you can you finish up you clean up you hand him a eucalyptus towelette

and clean up smell good give him a hug whoa that came off thanks buddy something came off the mic for the benefit of the listener

Jordan was touching something and broke it I didn't I just clip came off you can easily clip that on there pretty you just clip that back on there clip that back on there so so explain to the listener what you're looking for from the list so yes um so a suggestion um from uh suggestions from the listener something a bachelor party I can throw. We're talking, we have about 10 dudes. Yeah,

looking at about 10 dudes, maybe. 10 dudes, maybe 15, 20 dudes. 10 to 20 dudes. Yeah. San Francisco.

San Francisco, California. The, the groom to be, not a drinker. No. Does not care for nature. Yeah,

I'm, I'm at least, at the best, at best ambivalent about nature yeah sure and um but you've said you're willing to stay up yeah and maybe you would consider some degree of nudity yes you're open to some degree of nudity perhaps and okay so maybe someone knows a tasteful, saucy, burlesque organization in San Francisco. Maybe that's something you can suggest. But also, yeah, just maybe something a little more, something out of the box, out of the bachelor party box that we can do. Out of the box. Sure. box yeah we can do out of the box sure i i won't uh i won't smoke a cigar but i'll chomp on it maybe you'll throw a cigar i'll chomp on lit cigar you'll throw a cigar at a bird i mean i'll i'll rub it you know get one of these good for the pores you should be rubbing them anyways

oh i do that's what I'm saying. Do you do a cigar rub? But I don't usually get to do it with the good stuff. Oh, yeah. You see what I'm saying? Do you do it with some cigarillos from 7-Eleven? Do you think you could get us some... Some Swiffer Sweets. Some Cubans?

Do you think you could get us some Cubans? Yeah. The problem with the ones that I use from 7-Eleven, they make me smell like strawberries. I just buy whatever kind people only sell in the liquor store because people take the tobacco out. Gotcha. You see what I'm saying? That's the only kind I usually use for rubbing.

Yeah. In fact, I've asked. We can get some quality rubs. Okay, great. Well, then why do you even need the listeners? So we're just going to hang out and rub cigars on ourselves. There you go. Well, maybe I don't even need the listeners? So we're just going to hang out and rub cigars on ourselves. There you go. Well, maybe I don't even need this anymore.

Yeah, absolutely. But if you have an idea, you can send Jordan a MySpace message. You could call it in. Yeah, you can call. But I mean, you know, I would like surprise to be. Yeah. So you could call it in. Yeah, call it in.

Sort of talk around it for a while. Yeah, maybe just say, hey hey if this is jesse stop listening and then i can just listen fair enough fair enough and uh yeah and you can send jordan a pm yeah on the on the message board or you can send him a message jordan d morris myspace.com slash jordan d morris that's the one you can remember it because it's sort of like a urban version of jordan the morris sure anyway we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I'm going to give you a scenario. Yes. You're working in a major American city. You're working with people from all different backgrounds. Yes. Let's just say you want to learn a language other than english which one would you choose spanish now let's just say you wanted to learn spanish what mexican state would you choose

in which to to study spanish in surprisingly fun, engaging, conversational manner? I'd say Oaxaca. Absolutely, Oaxaca. Yeah. You would study Spanish in Oaxaca. Jesse, what's the program for me? Well, I say that you should visit studiespanishinoaxaca.com. That's the place to go to, Jordan.

That's the internet site to start my journey. Absolutely. And you can find out all about how you can, number one, study Spanish in Oaxaca. Number two, stay with a Oaxacan family to make your immersive experience more complete. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? Sounds neat. But Jordan. Yes.

Let's just say that you want to attend the Español Interactivo Spanish School. Let's say that the Interactivo Spanish School costs one unit of tuition, but you only have 0.9 units of tuition to spend. Sounds like you're out of luck, right? Well, I mean, unless there's some kind of discount, yeah. Well, Jordan. What? Look me in the eyes.

Yes. Are there benefits to being a Jordan Jessy Go listener? Well, I mean, there's not discounts. Yeah, there is. What? Better than AAA. AAA! discounts yeah there is what better than triple a 10 off at the espanol interactivo language school in beautiful oaxaca mexico which i will repeat i have been to and is really amazing and great

place it is the best place i have ever been to for a person to visit in Mexico who's not super adventurous, who's interested in doing something besides going to Cabo Wabo, but is afraid of possible uprisings in Chiapas, for example. Now, granted, there have been a few uprisings in Oaxaca, I think. Nothing to be too concerned about. Nothing to be worried few uprisings in Oaxaca, I think. Nothing to be too concerned about. Nothing to be worried about. Study Spanish in Oaxaca. At the end of the day, that's what you need to do.

Study Spanish in Oaxaca. And the website that's going to take you there, studiespanishinoaxaca.com. Now, Jordan. Yeah. Look me in the eyes. Yeah. I know that you're a good speller.

Sure. Can you spell Oaxaca? No, I need someone to spell it for me. Well, it's spelled O-A-X-A-C-A. Here's a little tool you can use to remember it, Jordan. Studying Spanish in Oaxaca. It's as simple as O-A-X-A-C-A. Oh, that's good. That's catchy. Thank you. Mnemonics, right?

It's called mnemonics. It's a way to control pets' minds. Yeah. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. So on the last week's show, we asked for simple recipes with awesome results.

A bunch of people posted really cool recipes on the message board. Some of them were dubious, but they insisted they were delicious. So I urge you to check out the thread for episode 65 on the message board. However, if you want some cool recipes but you can't read, we can still help you. You see what I'm saying? You're going to play some audio recipes. Absolutely. You bet your ass I am.

Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. This is Kevin from Chicago. Just heard you talking about calling in with recipes. This goes back to, you know, being a kid and having a mom that only had Diet Coke in the house. So what I did one day was I mixed it with apple juice, which was the other thing we had in the house. About a quarter of the, you know, a quarter of the cup Diet Coke and the rest apple juice for some reason gets really sweet and it's just so fucking delicious.

Now I'm like 26 and I still will make it and drink it and it's the only reason I buy Diet Coke. Alright, take care guys. Bye. Listen to his commitment. You hear that? That's a man who knows what he needs to slake his thirst.

One quarter Diet Coke three quarters apple juice. Sounds gross. I bet it's amazing, right? Yeah. We said that root beer coffee was gross, didn't we? That turned out to be amazing. It turned out to be amazing in theory. We're told that it's amazing.

I'm not going to try it. Nah. Absolutely not. I'm going to leave a gross taste in our mouths. I'm not crazy. Jordan it. Nah. Absolutely not. I'm going to leave a gross taste in our mouths. I'm not crazy. Jordan, Jesse, go. Robert, New York City, a.k.a. King Greba. Colin with an amazing, simple recipe.

Two ingredients. One is macaroni and cheese, which I suppose has more ingredients than that, but you can get it just from your local Whole Foods. You know, a lot of places have macaroni and cheese these days. Ingredient two, spicy brown mustard. Hopefully in packets, like a Goulden's packet. Again, also available at Whole Foods. But you take the macaroni and cheese and put on some spicy brown mustard.

Maybe add a little bit of pepper if you want a third ingredient to a flavor. Holy crap. Holy crap, is that good. Mustard on macaroni and cheese? Yes. Yes, he says. I had macaroni and cheese with peas inside it the other day. No.

Peas. Peas, Jordan. Delicious. No. That's gross. Green peas. Thatordan delicious no that's gross green peas that's disgusting that was real good that's way grosser this one is not so much gross i would say as it is elitist yeah sorry we can't all afford to go head down to our local whole foods to pick up some mac and cheese sorry king greebo yeah geez. Sorry we're not all rich from, you know, being the monitor of the showdown forum,

the Maximum Fun forums. Yeah, too bad there's no more room in your ivory tower because your head's gotten so fat. Yeah, just because you found out what the greatest historical era of all time is. I like that this recipe, you can kind of, like, understand. You can kind of see its inception. It was just a guy.

It was just from having two things. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's where most recipes come from, two ingredients. Yeah, and maybe having eaten macaroni and cheese a few too many times in a row, and it's like, well, fuck, I'll just put a little mustard on it. It's like when you're listening to The Splendid Table with Lynn Rossetto-Casper, and she has her refrigerator challenge, where you call up and tell her what you've got in the refrigerator, and then she tells you what to make out of

it. In this case, it's as though someone called up and said, I've got some macaroni and cheese and some brown mustard, and she recommended that they make macaroni and cheese dipped in brown mustard. Yep. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Jake from Seattle.

Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Jake from Seattle. If you take a dill pickle and put it in a hot dog bun, put ketchup and mustard on it, it's called a diller. It's really good. Bye. I found out what the other recipes were missing, Jordan. A kick-ass name.

Yeah. It sounds like double-dare recipes to me. It's called a diller jordan it's not to learn these mark summers this is serious it has a name it's called a diller i'm just saying it sounds like mark summers host of family double dare super sloppy double dare and of course original double dare i'd like jordan i'd like to see diller compete in the new showdown on the Maximum Fun Forums, which is Sandwich Showdown. No. We're finding out what the best sandwich is.

In fact, King Grebo, who called in with the recipe for mac and cheese, he's in charge of this whole operation. Best sandwich. We already found out what the best historical era is. What was it? Jazz Age. Oh, good. Surprise, though, right?

That's a surprise. I thought that was a surprise winner. My money for sure was on the pharaohs you see what i'm saying yeah king tootin common you know what i mean but you know turns out to be the jazz age that's good i figured either the pharaohs or sometime when you know there was at least like uh you know no jim crow laws yeah where women could vote i guess women could vote in the jazz age. Yeah.

That was the first time women could vote. That's good. And also Jews didn't have to build pyramids. Yeah, exactly. So that's something. Yeah, no, absolutely. That's what's important, ultimately. But the new thing that's what's important is

what's better, a Big Mac or a Monte Cristo? You see what I'm saying? That is important. Anyway, it's all online, MaximumFun.org slash forum. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, this show isn't just about us. No! It's mostly about us. Yes. Partly about Coco.

Mm-hmm. Partly about Donks about donks yeah partly about the people yeah the fans it is eight percent about you guys it's that's a that's probably ambitious yeah i know six percent yeah but you know what realistic how about this we promise to send you a thing that says you're 6% of the show, and if you feel like you're not enough of the show, you can kind of fill it in so it looks like 8% before you get your parents to sign it.

We will need your parents to sign it so that we know that they've seen it. So I don't want people sneaking around, you know what I mean? On their parents or on us. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Anyway, let's go to the telephones. I wanted to call and ask if you guys heard about this.

This came out a while ago, and I just thought of calling to tell you. You know fan fiction is pretty great, and there's a lot of weird fan fiction. But I saw the other day, at least I guess on the internet only, Battlestar Galactica meets the Terminator fan fiction, which is awesome to begin with, but all the characters are from Dignation and old tech TV hosts, so it's Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht,

and like, Leo Laporte is in there. It doesn't make any sense, but I thought it was amazing, and I thought you guys might like it too. Bye. So let's be clear here. What this is is it's set in a collision of worlds. Sure.

The collision is... Well, this is assuming that the Battlestar Galactica world is the same as the Terminator world. Right, exactly. Knowing what I know about Battlestar Galactica, that doesn't make a lot of sense. So would you say that Leo Laporte probably plays Edward James Olmos' role as the wizened old captain of the Battlestar-class ship. I don't understand this at all. It sounds like, yeah, are they characters or they are characters in this? Do you think Leo Leoport is the Terminator?

I don't know who Leo Leoport is. He's like a Mac guy? He's a tech commentator. He's a tech commentator. Probably tech commentator Leo Laporte. I can't be sure of it. Leo Laporte from Laporte on Computers, which used to be on Late Nights on the Sports Talk station. Yeah.

I'm thinking that he is probably the lady president who has a sort of hot and cold relationship with edward james almost who's linda hamilton uh linda hamilton i think is wonder woman isn't linda hamilton wonder woman linda hamilton uh played played she's sarah connor oh is that linda hamilton am i getting that name right no i think that's the name of Wonder Woman. Look it up. Okay. Oh, you mean me?

Yeah, yeah. I thought you were giving me... No, you look it up. You're nearest the computer. Okay, I'm going to... Let's put this Linda Hamilton thing to bed. Should I just type in Linda Hamilton? No, IMDB Terminator and see who the lead was.

Whatever. Look. I don't care. Linda, she's a Saturn Award award-winning emmy and golden globe nominated american actress best known for saturn award best probably a sci-fi award for her roles as sarah connor in the terminator and it's there you go she's married to uh cameron for a while okay fair enough cameron diaz uh john cameron mitchell oh john cameron mitchell yeah i call him by his middle name jordan we should start we should work on some fan fiction

i'm thinking this is this is what i'm thinking right now okay um hedvig yeah is partnered with scully yeah from the X-Files. And they have one of those. They fly around in the car from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Boom, fanfic. But Jordan, here's the thing. They don't fly it around in the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang world. They fly it around in the world from bed knobs and broomsticks.

Oh, man. You see what I'm saying? Nazi Germany? Exactly. Awesome. Well, they need bad Germany? Exactly. Awesome. Well, they need bad guys. Yeah. You see what I'm saying here, Jordan?

Do you follow? I do. Do you understand? Yes. And the Nazis are played by Hulks Lou Ferrigno. Fine. In different hats and stuff to suggest different characters. Sort of an acting exercise.

Hey, JJ Goh. This is Anne from Sacramento, and I'm calling... Jordan. Yeah. Periodically on the program, we like to celebrate something called a momentous occasion. Sure. This is something amazing that happens in someone's life. They call in and tell us either immediately in the aftermath or preferably during.

Here's an example. Hey, JJ Goh, this is Ann from Sacramento, and I'm calling because I've been growing my dreadlocks for eight years, and I've just decided that it's time to shave them all off, and I'm going bald. Here we go. Oh, my God. There you go.

Ann, you sound white. That was the right decision. That was the right call. That was the right decision that was the right that was the right decision and black folks grow dreadlocks because it is a natural state not the natural state but a natural state of black folks hair white people grow dreadlocks because they're dirt enthusiasts and if you are in fact african-american we apologize if you are yes absolutely we're making presumptions.

We're speaking out of school here. We're just assuming that just whites listen to this. Yeah. Because it's a pretty white thing we're doing. Yeah, I mean, we're very white people. Sure. I'm not going to pretend like we're not. I mean, Jordan.

Exceptionally. Jordan, I am probably the single whitest person ever to grow up in the inner city. You see what I'm saying? I am the very definition of whiteness. Although I'm not the whitest guy to grow up in Orange County, though. That's true. I'm maybe one of the least white. So in a way...

Jordan, that's like saying you're not the best quality... You're not the worst quality control guy in the soviet space fleet team wow you know what i'm saying poignant it's a modest distinction yeah that could lead to the death of thousands of cosmonauts i still have a distinction and that's that's what counts yeah exactly hi jordan jesse go um i'm max from florida i just found my dad's porn. It's Girls Gone Wild, Wildest Bar in America, and Playboy Playmates Special Edition. And pretty creepy considering my dad is 60. And I found it right by the refrigerator. Thanks for the show. Bye. the refrigerator.

Thanks for the show. Bye. Well, that's a good start, but there's a whole other world of pornography. What's this young man, Ethan? That was Max. Max. Yeah, Max. I think what Max doesn't know yet is that his dad is a really classy

guy. Yeah, he is a really classy guy. That's why his dad got the special edition. You see what i'm saying here it's the criterion exactly it's like there's commentary it's got a it's got a commentary from uh the director plus a bonus commentary by kevin smith you know for the for the fans out there a.o scott exactly a.o scott does a little commentary on there that's nice he's got he's got a sit down with the stars and Elvis Mitchell. You see what I'm saying, Jordan?

It's the special edition. Charlie Rose is involved. The other thing that Max doesn't realize yet, still a young man, he doesn't realize yet, porn has to be refrigerated. Yeah. It can degrade. It can degrade very quickly. And nobody wants to look at wilted porn.

At the end of the day, that's what this is about. Nobody wants to look at wilted porn. Do you think that this is just the dad's preference? Or do you think maybe there's some more intense pornography hanging around? Do you think he prefers colder porn? Yeah. Or physically colder? Yeah, maybe if he looked in the freezer.

Yeah, he could find the really good stuff? Did you ever find any of your dad's porn? My dad was a Playboy collector. Right. My dad had a lot of Playboys. Really? Like an intense amount of Playboys. Wow.

And pretty easy to get places. did that make you popular before the internet existed yeah no i mean there was definitely a period where there was a lot of like playboy looking at parties right at my house um and uh yeah it was interesting i mean it was a real commodity it was a real like you know it's like having a these days my dad had a playboy celebrity playmate book it was all the celebrity playmates from playboy like your latoya jackson's yeah exactly but once my uh stepmother went on an extended trip and i found some hardcore pornography accidentally in my dad's bedroom um and it totally freaked me out yeah yeah it freaked me the fuck out i mean i'd never i i you know i don't know how old i was like 12 or something like that but i just never seen the inside of a vagina just yeah the whole nine yards

yeah no i remember that it was a special interest pornography i don't want to get into it it wasn't a crazy special interest pornography but it was definitely it was much more specific than i had imagined pornography to be to that point this isn't just you know island escapade no it was a it was a particular it was an enthusiast's pornography sure you see what i'm saying jordan this is a terminator meets battlestar galactica yeah i mean this to be clear this was definitely a pornography that you could buy at the liquor store. Sure. It wasn't so weird that you had to go to a special store for it. Mm-hmm. But it was a specific. You see what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I remember that real closely, too. Like after, you know, kind of a steady diet of the Playboys, then eventually seeing, you know, pornography, pornography, and then, you know it being being kind of upsetting yeah absolutely it's terrifying yeah that's great yeah you kind of have an idea of like well i'm pretty familiar with a woman's body at this point i've seen a few playboys i've seen the girls of hooters i've seen the girls of the pack 10 that that other business comes along you gotta chalk that up they're probably in the uh i couldn't even think of a single college athletic conference besides the pac-10 yeah i i tried to go for this conference oh you had a conference joke yeah i was gonna make a

conference joke and there's a conference that they created, and it has a funny name. It was created relatively recently. It's called like the Great USA Conference. That's okay. It's fine. Let's just go back to the phones, huh? Jordan. Yeah. That young man, Max, he is building up steam

to do something like what our next caller has done. I think that young man, how old would you estimate? Somewhere between 13 and 16, right, Max? It's hard to say exactly. 12 to 16. There is something special in his future. This is

what it is. Hey there, Jordan. Yes, you go. Luke from Canada calling here. Calling about three momentous occasions, actually.. Jesse O. Luke from Canada calling here. Calling about three momentous occasions, actually. One, I just graduated from high school yesterday. Two, first time I ever got drunk. And three, lost my virginity. So keep up the good work, guys.

What happened is he graduated from high school, panicked, and then went through all the coming-of-age stories he could think of. Yeah. He jumped off a bridge into the river. He won the big game. He won the big game, absolutely. If there's some more stuff he can cram in there, dude, that'd be nice. He got turned down by a college he wanted to go to, but then he got into a college he wanted to go to. turned down by a college he wanted to go to,

but then he got into a college he wanted to go to. Yeah. He, uh, he realized that what's really important, his family, he went to the junior and senior proms. Both were on a boat. He shot a guy and didn't tell anybody.

He found a dead body. Mm-hmm. And he drove his car over the speed limit. Speaking of which... Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Brittany from NPL Connecticut, and I have a momentous occasion. I just got my driver's license,

but the best part was I had to go with another student with my driving instructor, and it was a nun, but the nun failed for the second time. So just thought I'd share. Thanks. Bye. It's important, Jordan.

Yeah. Should not be letting nuns drive. No, this is hard proof. Jordan, there's only one thing more important than, well, there's two things more important than letting nuns drive. Number one is getting back at the United States Park Service. Number two is

monks were prioritized. Number two is not letting monks drive. If monks can drive that's when we know it's gone. That's the kind of world we're living in right now Jordan. Pigeons are flying into legs. Monks can drive. You see what I'm saying here, Jordan?

I don't know who I feel worse for, the pigeons or the cars. You got it. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, you know what we're doing right now? Hmm.

Wrapping it up. Wrapping it up. Wrapping it up. Bringing it home. The ship is... Rounding third. The ship is entering the harbor. Sliding into home. Touchdown.

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. I do. Action items on this week's program. Number one, Jordan. First action item. Deliver a swift kick to the balls of the National Park Service. Yeah, or at least tell us how we can do it

collectively. Sure. I want something that the donks themselves would support. So it has to involve alfalfa, basically, is the limitations on that. These are miniature donkeys, not miniature terrorists, Jordan. But on the other hand, this is a jihad

in the meaning of jihad that means taking action against the national park service and our options are open see what i'm saying here jordan yeah options are open 206-984-45 is the number to call now let's say you feel like you've really gotten to know me from the time listening to Jordan Jesse go. Maybe even the sound of Young America. Who knows what else you might listen to? My phone calls, maybe. Yeah.

You see what I'm saying? If you're the U.S. government, if you're John Patriot Act. Let's say you want to help out your buddy, Jordan, who, when you listen to the show, is the one that you like. Sure. He's the protagonist while I am the antagonist. Yeah. I'm just the one who tunes out more that's what everyone else is saying i talked to a lonely sandwich from you look nice today about

the monsters of podcasting show yeah and uh he was saying he felt bad because he didn't talk that much and i told him he was my mom and dad's favorite at the show because when he did talk he said something really funny and i thought he was mysterious yeah and uh he told me that he what he understood that and appreciated it but the real reason he felt bad was because the reason he didn't talk wasn't so much because he didn't have anything to say is because he kind of spaced out for a few long periods in the show it'll happen i was like that really touched my heart that's good you know that's how you know you're a winner good job sandwich exactly great work sandwich what did you think we could get sandwich into the best sandwiches poll

it's a little too inside maybe i think the thing about the thing about the battles is that everybody can relate yeah absolutely everybody is hung out personally with sandwich everybody can at the end of the day everybody can compare a monte cristo to a thanksgiving leftover sandwich sure and come up with the obvious answer i'm not going to tell you what it is no but if you have ideas for jesse's party, you can either send them to Jordan on the MySpace at myspace.com slash Jordan D. Morris. Or you can send them to Jordan on the forum. You can send them via PM in the forum. Sure.

His forum name is Jordan. Yeah. Very cryptic name. You can probably send him a direct message. It's actually a reference to the second season of Doctor Who. Gotcha. So I know not a lot of people get that. Jordan, you are also on Twitter.

They can send you a direct message on Twitter. What's your Twitter called? Yeah. Gosh, I think it's Jordan underscore Morris. Jordan underscore Morris. My Twitter is Young American. By the way, Jordan. There's not a lot of room in that Twitter to send messages.

So if you just want to find another way to get a hold of me, I'm looking for some... But sometimes what's important gets through, clearly. Yeah. Like, for example, we're coming up on the three millionth download of The Sound of Young America, and I sent out on Twitter, what should we do to celebrate this? Somebody emailed me back, pogs.

Sometimes that's all you need. Those characters are all you need. That's what? Five letters. Well, what should I do for Jesse's bachelor party? Pogs. Jordan, if we're doing Pogs, I want a really good slammer. Yeah.

Not a pounder. I want one of those metal slammers. Have you seen those? I think that's a pounder. No, you're thinking of actress CCH Pounder. Oh, from The Shield. Yeah, the lady from The Shield. Yeah, yeah.

I think she's South African. Something. She's very authoritative, that's for sure. The part was originally written for a man. Really? It was. And she demanded to audition. Now, let me ask you this question.

Yeah. That's CCH Pounder. Who is the commissioner from where in the world is carmen san diego uh i don't know i didn't i didn't watch that as a kid i'm only familiar with rockapella kind of okay well i'm just throwing that out there and also was that person involved at all in mathnet on square one yeah Yeah, again, not a lot of PBS in our house growing up. Okay, fair enough. But what's Pound Cake?

Okay, what's Pound Cake? Let's close on that note. What is Pound Cake? Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. Their really wonderful best of CD is called Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design. It is available on Light in the Attic Records and is definitely worth purchasing. Somebody sent me an email to say they bought it because they heard our theme music and they felt like it had changed their life.

Yeah. Swear to God, somebody really sent me that in an email. It's intense. It's wonderful. It's just a delight. It's just a lot of happiness in one CD. And if you want to be a sponsor on Jordan and Jesse Go, send me an email. Yeah, please do that.

Jesseatmaximumfund.org. I think you might be surprised. We'll make it affordable for you. We'll throw you in there alongside studiespanishinwhacka.com. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? We'll have a little fun banter about it. We like to work it in.

Product integration. Absolutely. Live commercials. Just like 30 Rock. We'll be back in just a second. No, next week yeah on jordan jesse go