Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 676: Respect the Mech with Christopher Hastings

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

Christopher Hastings (Rude Tales of Magic podcast, many awesome comics) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's recent chonky three-wick candle disappointment, how Howard the Duck factors into a Marvel character Chris helped create named Gwenpool,  and the story of how Chris's Pomeranian named Commissioner Gordon fought for the title of New York's Cutest Dog (and a million dollars).Check out Rude Tales of Magic!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, disappointed by a candle. God, I don't like to start our show with... I don't know if I can do the show today, Jesse. Just like not in the headspace, you know. I've been through some shit this week.

With a disappointing candle? With a disappointing candle. I guess I could get into it. I don't want to bum everybody out, but I could get into it. Did you light it on fire and the room got darker? Yeah, it's one of those opposite candles. By those jokers at the Acme company. No, it...

Okay, so this ties back into an episode of Jordan Jesse Go that we taped a few weeks ago. This is with Carly Weisel, who I think we all agree was a great guest. Sure. And, I mean, not just a great guest,

America's premier theme park journalist. America's premier theme park journalist, as good a podcast guest as you can hope for. Great response to the episode. She's welcome back anytime. I clicked on a theme park-related trending topic on Twitter. Guess who was the top post right there? Probably Carly Whitesell.

No, it was goofy. Right. I can't remain silent any longer. So on the podcast, the topic of French bread candles came up. And I was thrilled at the prospect of a French bread candle. I love I'm having a real scented candle moment in my life.

I'm watching my carbs. So the idea of having like a bread candle, which is like, I'm like, this is perfect. This is exactly the shit I need in my life right now. Went on to Amazon, found the most popular French bread candle, ordered it up. Wait, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. I haven't skipped anything. You skipped? How many different French bread candles are available on Amazon.com?

A lot. A lot. What did you sort by? Four stars and up? Yeah. No, I mean, I just, you know, just kind of looked and looked at the ratings. And, oh, and there was, I think the one that I picked, it was like, it had that little red indicator, like five left. And that always motivates me to buy.

When I see that, like, oh, there's only a few left, you know, my fight or flight response kicks in. And I fight. You fight a candle. And I fight a candle to the death. and I fight. You fight a candle. And I fight a candle to the death. And by fight, yeah, at this point in my life,

fight means quickly buy something on Amazon. Right. So I get this French bread candle. A couple days later, I get it. And this is a significant, this isn't like a little guy. This is a three-wick chonker. You know these three-wick chonkers?

I'm sorry, there's three wicks in this candle? Three wick chonker you know these three wick chonkers i'm sorry there's three wicks in this can three wicks you know that kind of like it's a he's a big boy i think i knew there were three wicks in keanu reeves film career right the three john wick film sorry this is the keanu reeves's filmography of candles. Is this a real type of candle? It has three wicks in it? Yeah, right? I don't know. Maybe you're not a huge candle guy like me.

I'm Mr. Candle. Have you not seen a big old three-wick candle? I didn't know you were a candle guy. I'm a candle guy. When I first knew you, we were both RAs. candle guy. When I first knew you, we were both RAs, and we knew what a fire

hazard having an open flame in your room can be. Well, now I don't give a fuck if anything catches on fire. I just want my house to be filled with scents. You've completely forsaken the RA lifestyle? I have. You probably don't even have condoms on

hand at all times no i'm not giving out condoms i'm not giving out dental dams i'm not putting a stop to drum circles wait when you we're doing the opposite of what an ra would do so you're not not giving out dental dams no one did anyone ever come to you and ask for a dental dam yeah but they just needed something to wrap up a sandwich with okay um so yeah so i'm i i i like it i like a candle this was i'm like and you know the three wickers are pricier than the one wickers but i was so convinced i was gonna love this that i got the three wicker plus they're probably not three times more expensive it's a good value yeah it was it was i mean but it's you know it's it was it was pricey for a candle um but i'm worth it i don't know if

you knew that but i'm worth it hashtag self-care hashtag self-care chonky three whipper hashtag chonky three wick and so i so the a couple days go, you know, the package is out in the foyer of my building. It's heavy. I can tell. Right. I'm like, oh, this is my candle. This is my French bready. And I, you know, I use my key to open the top and I open it up and out comes the worst fucking smell I have ever smelled.

That includes puke and shit. I'm including puke and shit i'm including puke and shit in this speaking of our ra days yeah right uh it was all it was so awful i just couldn't believe how bad this thing smelled and i like you know the box smelled the box smelled awful and i like went in you know i opened her up let those you know let the wicks out um and let the wicks out who who who who who um boy i wish the baja men would have shown up to take this candle back to their hometown wherever it may be baja california i'm guessing maybe yeah i feel like they were Trinidadian, but I'm not, I can't remember. They're from Baja. There's probably a lot of Bajas out there.

Yeah, this smelled so bad, and I put it in the yard. I just put, there's a shared yard behind my apartment building, and I just put it out there. Maybe someone will want it. And as I'm, like, leaving this candle, I noticed on the top, the top, the name of the candle company was S&M Candles. So I'm like, is this candle smell so bad because someone gets off on punishing themselves from bad smells? Is that a kind of self-punishment? You haven't done stank play? No, I haven't. Boy, I know. My sex life has been a little too vanilla, I guess. I haven't done stank play? No, I haven't. Boy, I know. My sex life has been a

little too vanilla, I guess. I haven't done stank play. You know about S&M, but you don't know about T&S, toots and stank? No, boy. Educate me. I need to spice things up. It's one of the funkiest adult activities. I don't know how I feel about incorporating stanks into my lovemaking. No, you don't. There's no actual penetrative act. It's purely stank-based. Stink, stank, stunk. Yeah.

So, fine folks at S&M Candles, if your goal was to hurt me with your candle, fucking mission accomplished. How many other candles are in your life, Jordan? I think I have three candles right now that I'm loving. Okay. I've got one going right now. I've got a tobacco flower. Tobacco flower? Tobacco flower. Yeah, it's great. What are the other two? Oh boy, there's a mint and then another one that I don't know. Yeah, I got a mint and a tobacco flower and then something else that's hanging around, but I got to use those up, tobacco flower and then something else that's hanging around. But I got to use those up, you know.

A mint candle. A mint candle. It's a great scent. I sort of was aware that at the outlet mall, there's like a candle store. Yeah. That only sells candles. And I figured there was probably a section on Etsy, or as my dad used to call it, Etsy. R.I. or as my dad used to call it, Eatsy. RIP my dad. A true legend in mispronouncing Etsy. Great dad mistake. Great dad mistake, by the way. I mean, that's what you want from a dad.

You want them to pronounce a modern thing a little bit wrong. I said to him before he passed away, I said to him, Dad, do you want to be remembered for your work in the veterans anti-war movement or in the independent living movement? Do you want to be known as the loving father of three beautiful children? And he said, remember me as I lived. Mispronouncing Eatsy. Beautiful. Beautiful. Is Eatsy another website? It's got to be, right? I'm sure it is. The other thing my dad would say, he remembered your name, Jordan, I think because he met you when he was, you know, only like 50-ish. But John Hodgman, the host of the show, of which I'm the co-host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, he consistently referred to as, he would check in on both of you. He would always ask after you, Jordan.

He'd say, how's Jordan? I'd tell him. He'd say, how's your friend Houseman? It's very funny. Your friend Houseman. Houseman sounds like the rowdy guy in a frat movie. Fucking Houseman's doing a keg stand. You can't stop Houseman.

I think it would work either As the rowdy guy And this is something special About these two categories I think But it would work either as the rowdy guy in a frat movie Or as like an antiques Collecting detective on British television

Sure both work Who fucking loves to do a keg stand. Yeah. Should we introduce our guest on the program? I'd love to. Find out what kind of candles he's got going on? Yeah, let's hear about our guest's candles. He's a comics writer and artist behind,

I mean, among other things. You're looking at Adventure Time Comics. You're looking at dr mcninja uh you're looking at um something called uh gwenpool i don't understand what that is oh gwenpool is really good i read gwenpool it's great one of our one of our guests finest achievements i i literally read the the gwenpool wikipedia, needless to say, is extensive. I did not follow what Gwenpool is. I tried so hard to understand.

It has something to do with variant covers. Also, one of the Dungeons & Dragons players on the Rude Tales of Magic podcast, Christopher Hastings. Hi, Chris. How are you? Hello. Hello. Thank you so much for having me to come explain the Gwenpool Wikipedia article. Yes. So now this is Marvel initially, this is my understanding, Marvel initially produced two stories featuring Gwenpool as a character, a backup story in the series Howard the Duck,

and a one-shot Gwenpool as a character. A backup story in the series Howard the Duck. And a one-shot Gwenpool holiday special. They're like, we've got an idea. If this Howard the Duck story doesn't hold water, we'll have a backup about Gwenpool. Would you like to know why she debuted in Howard the Duck? It's

saucy. Yes. Yes. First of all, I'd like to know why she debuted in Howard the Duck? It's saucy. Yes. Yes. First of all, I'd like to know why Howard the Duck still exists. What are the circumstances surrounding that? Still a good comic about an angry duck in a world of superheroes. Was Howard the Duck a Marvel character in the pre-How duck, the movie comic book days, or did they like acquire Howard the duck? Uh,

yeah, he is an original Marvel character and was quite hot in the seventies. Uh, uh, I recently read a history of like a, an unauthorized history of Marvel comics. And, um,

there were Howard the duck ripoffs that were happening. Howard the Duck was so hot for a time. Like Jerry the Goose. I thought you were going to say you read an unauthorized history of Howard the Duck. Like fucking Howard the Duck wouldn't give permission to the biographer. He's like, I won't do any interviews. Okay, so Howard the Duck, has Howard the Duck continuously existed since the 70s? I believe, you know, as are many Marvel characters, they kind of go into hibernation for a while and then come back for brief periods of time to renew their copyright. Okay, excellent. Okay, so we've cleared up the Howard the Duck situation.

Follow-up question, what is a Gwenpool? Sure, happy to get into the entire history of that. Howard the Duck situation. Follow-up question, what is a Gwenpool? Sure. Happy to get into the entire history of that. Because I'm allowed to talk about it now because, you know, Disney owns everything, which is part of the key to the situation. So we all know that the jokester Deadpool. Oh, yeah. He doesn't take anything seriously.

Oh, brother, he's a real cutester Deadpool. Oh, yeah. He doesn't take anything seriously. Oh, brother. He's a real cut up. Yeah, right? I've seen his billboards. He vandalizes them himself. Too irreverent. He doesn't respect anything, including the fourth wall. Mm-hmm.

so um so there's you know there's practice in comic books where uh it's it's very easy to um take uh comic book collectors for a little bit more money by printing the same comic with multiple variant covers um it's just a way to get them to buy the same comic more than once um so Um, so, uh, they did a, Marvel did a month where, uh, every single one of, uh, their comics, uh, had a variant cover that sort of imagined what if, uh, Gwen Stacy, uh, Spider-Man's ex-girlfriend who was tossed off a bridge by the Green Goblin, uh, sort of came back as a different hero, a la, uh, Spider-Gwen, where, uh where she is the one bitten by the radioactive spider instead of Spider-Man. And so one of these was, what if Gwen Stacy was Deadpool or Gwenpool? And this cover design just did incredibly well. Not just like the sales of the actual comic itself, but like there was a lot of cosplay and there was a lot of fan art and there was a lot of this sort of heat

behind a character that didn't exist. And so, you know, the Marvel Comics Company said, we need to do something about this. But there were some legal issues. And so the reasoning is that a long time ago, Marvel sold all of their X-Men characters to Fox. And that includes Deadpool. They also sold all of their Spider-Man characters to Sony. And that includes Deadpool. They also sold all their Spider-Man characters to Sony. And that includes Gwen Stacy.

And they are not, or they weren't at the time, in the business of giving away free characters to other movie studios. So they came to me and said, hey, you write a lot of weird mashup shit. a lot of weird mashups shit. Can you figure out how to make this Gwenpool character work without her being Gwen Stacy or related to Deadpool? Oh, and by the way, she has to have her first appearance in the back of Howard the Duck because of the legalities of debuting new characters.

If she appears first as a Howard the Duck character, Howard the Duck is owned by Marvel and so Gwenpool after appearing in three issues of Howard the Duck is officially a Marvel character and off the table for Fox or Sony wow that is fascinating it's amazing I'm so glad I'm finally allowed to say it and the problem before the problem before was that uh jack dorsey and the other silicon valley libs didn't want your voice to be heard of course i still got problems now follow up my understanding is that so far she has yet to reveal the details of her old life though though she did tell Rocket Raccoon that she is not lactose intolerant. Boy, maybe I missed that one.

I didn't write that one. That was in a Rocket Raccoon and Groot storyline written by, I believe, Nick Coker. Okay, follow-up, second follow-up. Can you confirm or deny that upon gaining the ability to manipulate the borders of the fourth wall from an attempt to return her to reality, allowing her to travel in time, Gwen retcons the Marvel Universe into believing her to be a mutant after being given the idea by Kamala Khan, allowing her to enter the gates of Krakoa? Yes, that also happens. And that also was not written by me. That was written by Leah Williams. Yeah, dude, fucking spoiler alert, man. Come on.

Yeah, if she ever comes back, she's technically a mutant now, I think. So, Gwen, I read, I, listen, I'm a Hastings fan. If Hastings write, then I'm buying. I read Gwen Poole. It is great it is a it is a team up book where she teams up with a bunch of other uh marvel characters to fight modok the mechanical organism designed only for killing uh and not muscles millions of unusual small creatures lurking everywhere no you're thinking yeah modok totally different. It's a mechanical organism designed only for killing.

Oh, it's not a little pink rubber toy dressed like a fantastical wrestler? No, it's a big head in a floating chair. Got it. And one of the team-up characters is the greatest D-list, pulled-out-of-obscurity character of all time, is Bartok the Leaper.

Who's a French guy who leaps. He can also kick very good. Yeah, he's also good at kicking. I mean, if you have, if you got the leaping muscles, all it takes is, you know, you just got to look at it sideways and all of a sudden you're kicking. Chris, was that your idea to bring him into the story, or were they like, we're trying to move some Bartok toys? Well, first off, I hate to correct a pronunciation, but it is Batroc. I'm sorry. And I think this might give you a clue as to who wanted him in the book.

It's pronounced Batroc Jordan, but you might know it as Batcore. Yeah, I think Batrock is so goofy. I really wanted him. I've tried to make Batrock happen in a comic that I've written for Marvel before a couple of times. And this one, they're like, all right, fine, go for it. comic that i've written for marvel before a couple of times and this one they're like all right fine go for it do you have to like do you have to like uh i'm a man the way i'm imagining it is you know how when the like detectives go out on a special mission on a cop show they go down to that like rolling her eyes i've seen everything lady who's behind like a chicken wire fence and they have to ask for special guns um do you have

to do that to ask for bat rock uh you have to do it to ask for anything oh man yeah um the the marvel interconnected universe is uh strictly guarded by uh the woman uh behind the fence. Excellent. So do you have to like notarize something and pass it to a guy who passes it to a lady and then they shake their head silently, no? There's a lot of shaking their head silently, no. I'll say that. But Chris though, boy, going far back to old Jordan Jesse Go running jokes,

Chris is actually the one who introduced, is it Chip Dipson or Dip Dobson into Marvel continuity? Oh, yeah, that's right. I put Chip Dipson into Marvel continuity because of your program. Yeah, he's a scientist. And he's appeared, he was in Longshot Saves the Marvel Universe and in Secret Agent Deadpool man so I mean I'm just kind of looking ahead here

because you know because of the nature of Disney Plus every Marvel character will at least get their own miniseries when the Chip Dixon miniseries comes up I mean we're all in in some way right they have to involve us, I mean, we're all in in some way, right?

They have to involve us. And I mean, they should probably involve, was it Jordan's friend from high school who thought that would be a good name for a character? Something along those lines. I forget the origins. Yeah. Yeah. We'll go back to the tapes. If it was someone's idea that I stole, we'll cut them in. Jordan, can I

make a request here? Yeah, it could have been my friend from high school, Hector Fernandez. I do not want to take money out of Hector Fernandez's mouth. We'll go to the tapes. We'll go to the Jordan Jesse Go Archivist. There's a real question here, which is, why is Hector eating money?

But the other question is... It's a fetish. It's like stink play. It's stank play, but you might know it as stonk core. Oh, excuse me. So what I'm wondering is if it would be possible for us not to go back to the tapes.

Yeah, let's just not go back to the tapes. And ask others not to do the same? Yeah. Great. So that's not to do the same. Yeah. Great. So that's settled. That's settled. A fascinating bit of Chris's life that I wanted to bring up that I think will be of interest to everybody is that at one point you owned New York's cutest dog. I still take care for york's cutest dog um

so uh yeah there was um so i have a very cute dog a very cute pomeranian um his name is commissioner gordon uh i just call him you know we just call him gordon around the house of course um he doesn't he doesn't need to get a big head. Do you ever call him Gordy? We call him a Gordo sometimes. I recommend Gordy. It's both a famous film pig and it was what my college counselor's wife called him. We knew him as Mr. Chalmers,

but she knew him as Gordy. Gordy to the misses. I'll give it a shot and see if he cares in the slightest what I call him. Let's see if he learns English. Yeah. All of a sudden, that'd be remarkable. Yeah.

So some years ago, there was a contest put on by an upstart dog food company called the Million Dollar Cutest Dog Competition. And the idea being that through a series of weekly contests, going then to a semifinals round, then a finals, a cutest dog would be voted on by the internet and the owners would receive $1 million. My dog is extremely cute. Yeah, it's real cute. We thought, you know what, we would really love to have some of that money just for having to, you know, for the price of owning a cute dog. Yeah, I mean, Chris, why stop at some of the money when you could win the entire money? Exactly, exactly.

And, you know, I mean, obviously, I mean, you don't know. I mean, it costs so much to put a dog through college these days, you know? Yeah. Yes, it does. Yeah, I would recommend, if you won, I would recommend putting it in some kind of annuity or a trust. Right. I agree. If I had that much

money i would be responsible with it or one of those uh uh health savings plans that you can use to buy prescription eyewear tax-free oh now that's the smart money because sometimes you can just use buy regular sunglasses with that if you want there's some left over at the end of the year from your million dollars sounds Sounds like you're reading another Wikipedia article. It's actually still the Gwynpool one, weirdly enough. After you left the book, it went to

some strange new places. Yeah. All right, so we put the dog in the contest. And it was a series of weekly contests to see who gets in the finals and so it's a popular vote and

Twitter was around at the time and I had enough Twitter followers to basically guarantee that he got voted through with a wide margin anyway it didn't even matter if he was cute or not quite honestly but the dog is cute I think it's not we want to be very clear he's

extremely cute if you google search commissioner gordon dog you will find pictures of my dog he looks great is has he ever met a dog named batman uh you know what there are some times when he comes home and i can tell he has but he won't tell me right he's got to keep batman's identity a secret i get that oh god you know i never i never considered that's why he was being so weird of course batman's got to be somebody that we know oh i found your dog look at this guy cool love it all right so the dog wins his first week and that gets us five hundred dollars

just okay it's pretty far away from a million but i mean hey no well there's All right, so the dog wins his first week, and that gets us $500 just right off the bat. It's pretty far away from a million, but I mean, hey, no. Well, there's tiers. I mean, depending on what kind of sunglasses you're buying, that's still pretty good, you know? I was able to get at least three pairs of sunglasses from that. Pretty good. So at this point, the contest starts attracting, um, more and more attention, um, from just everywhere as, as the weeks go by and other people figure out, um, not how to

put up the cutest dogs, but how to game the system. And, um, there's like one person got their dog through via like a Facebook community dedicated the old Facebook game mafia, I think. And then anytime the dog food company would post something about the contest, there was a whole community in the comments that they would post a list of all their dogs. And they swore that they were going to vote each other up in the hopes that this like this group of like the bloggy doggies they they called themselves wow um one of them would like come you know come into play and at one point this woman emailed me to like tell me that i cheated um because you know a famous comic book celebrity. I mean, I say it like it's ridiculous, but I'm like, you know, we did kind of have a lot of Twitter followers handle that one.

Yeah, I mean, you had Jeremy make an algorithm to declare you the coolest host of Sports Night. Oh, I miss Sports Night. Yeah, Sports Night's great. What do you think the sport, what do you think cannot like, like in the world of Sports Night, what do you think the sport what do you think cannot like like in the world of sports night what do you think they're up to right now i hope jeremy and natalie are fucking yeah they gotta be they gotta be how can those two keep their hands off each other right now it's kind of late you know yeah go for it you two gorgeous nerdy bastards. So this woman that emailed me who was pretty rude, I clicked through to see her dog and her dog didn't have eyeballs.

What? Oh, no. Yeah. I mean, that is both very difficult to vote against and not the traditional definition of cute. This isn't the most inspiring dog contest. Maybe if we're going for inspirational dogs who function without eyes. My aunt has a dog without any eyeballs and it's a very sweet dog. I love this dog.

I like to pet it. But it looks like a cross between a dog and a like a horror movie character yeah yeah that that's an that's an easy design choice for a horror movie just take the eyeballs out yeah yep i mean i think we can all agree that when you're you know obviously cuteness there's a lot to consider but a huge factor in cuteness it's the peepers yeah sure and you know what ideal situation you highlight the peepers with what a nice pair of frames what's left over in your budget at the end of the year jesse are you getting some sort of lens crafters kickback i don't know about you gotta go to your independent optometrist they're really going to help you beat the system so wait so you're getting you're getting harassed

online by oh just a little bit with who owns a dog with no eyes yeah um but uh so yeah but basically that's just like there's a lot of drama moving forward and eventually um gordon gets into the finalists um so he's he's in the top four and which immediately qualifies us for $5,000, even if we lose, which was great. Yeah, right. But you're competing against, you said, Dog with a Blog? None of the Dogs with Blogs made it to the top four. Like, actual cute dogs made it to the top four. Okay.

Pause. Pause, dogs. That's fun. Anyway. That's a good time. So Dog a blog that's something but what is it yeah i know i know that i know that as a poll too but i don't know where it came from it's a children's television program that aired uh after we were children okay yeah it had beth littleford from The Daily Show on it. Oh, are you looking at that Wikipedia

or did you have that off the dome? No, I'm looking at the Wikipedia. Oh, okay. Well, thank you for being honest, Jesse. We don't have the video chat up now, so you could have just played it off like you know everything about Dog with a Blog and I appreciate that you were honest with us.

And I think our listeners appreciate it too. Yeah. What's A. Whitney Brown up to? That's what I'm wondering. Anyway, go ahead. Daily Show 1.0 people. Yeah, exactly. They did good work.

So you've got, so 5,000 bucks is on the line. Oh, 5,000 bucks is already in the bank. It's whether you get 1 million minus that5,000. That is such a jump from $500 to $5,000 to are there more steps before a million? Well, I mean, let's be honest. It's actually $30,000 a year is what

the prize was. So was it $1 million in total prizes or was the Grand Championship a million dollars? The Grand Championship was $1 million. But I'm getting ahead of myself okay okay because you got i mean you got to make it out of the semis first yeah exactly um so uh it's at this point when things are heating up a little bit and uh amongst all this drama and all these angry people who swear that their dog makes them deserve this money, they start digging into the details of this dog food company and find that the people who own it have got some lawsuits in their past about paying vendors and not, like, supplying good products and such. And then also at this time, the company has somehow figured out how to talk to Oprah's

people. And I had a phone call with Oprah's producer that they were going to fly us in with the dog to announce the winner on Oprah. And then, uh, whenever that was announced, all of these angry people alerted Oprah that, um,

the company was very shady and the segment got canceled. A lot of, a lot of people with Oprah's phone number here. I think, uh, yeah, I think they just emailed. It's just Oprah at Gmail. Right, Oprah, yeah.

Didn't try and hide it at all. You know, if I had to pick one person in this whole story, beside, of course, comic book celebrity Christopher Hastings, who had Oprah's email address,

you know who I would pick? Dog with a blog. Yeah. I I mean you have to have an email address to sign up for a blog I imagine right yeah yeah you gotta have Oprah's email address to sign up for a blog if you're a dog right it's the only way you can get one yeah credibility uh so the whole fucking thing is shut down. How does your dog then become New York's cutest dog? Right. So things are kind of falling apart. And ultimately, they declare the winner to be a, frankly, less cute dog than Gordon. And a lot of it had to do with the already wealthy owner really making a public case

about the fact that she was going to be donating the money to charity. Whereas, uh, my wife and I, uh, who we were not married at the time, we were like, we're going to use this. Uh, you know, we knew it was like a $30,000 upfront payment. We're like, we're going to use that to pay for our wedding. And then, you know, we'll use the rest of the money to, you know, maybe buy a house someday. And, uh, they're like, no, you know what? The charity's a better story. And so they decided the other one would win. So we didn't win, but we still got, you know, that $5,000, you know, New York's cutest dog

money, except time goes on and the check never shows up. And we're like, what's going on? And, uh, suddenly like people aren't answering the phones at their office. And when somebody does, they don't know,

they've never heard of this company before. And, um, we did manage to actually eventually get a check. Um, but it bounces. Oh God. Ha!

Fucking fly by night so did this did the person who won the million did they ever get it the person who won the million bucks um well i'll i'll get i will get to that okay okay that's it there's not a clean answer on that i'm sorry to say um so we you know we're like a nasty dirty answer like a stanky candle yeah nasty like the french bread candle do they have to pound their way to a million dollars i don't i mean i don't i don't know what they do with their time let's not judge them okay i don't know i don't know what this dog does uh sorry i don't mean to snake shame yeah um so we had a really hard time just trying to get them to like talk back like to answer the

phone answer an email whatever and i was like i was like god how do we i was like because we you know we have this check we have proof that like we've been defrauded and i was like but you know i'm like do we sue them i don't really want to and it's become very clear that like we've been defrauded and I was like but you know I'm like do we sue them I don't really want to and it's become very clear that like they're they're in debt like it's a like they're they don't have this money um and or if they you know they you know it's like we sue them we're gonna have to get in line behind um you know the people who make the dog food for them or the people who design their packaging or whatever. Um, and so my, uh,

my wife's father suggested, Oh, why don't you contact, uh, you know, shame, shame, shame,

the local news segment, uh, and see what they do. Now we're talking. Yeah. Uh, and so we did and they love this story. Um,

and so, um, the local news the local news, our local Fox affiliate came by, shot some B-roll of the dog rolling around, got some B-roll of me pretending to draw at my desk. I was hoping you were going to go, they got some B-roll of the dog rolling around, they got some B-roll of me rolling around. Rolling around the apartment. Well, they love the angle that, you know, we're comic book people and we named our dog Commissioner Gordon. You know, all that stuff that we, you know, did in our 20s.

Now, when you say that they liked the angle that you were comic book people, they understood that you weren't literally in a comic book. Well, they had a little fun with that. So in the news segment, they're like, all right, and we're going to go to shame, shame, shame. And then they start playing the 60s Batman theme song. And the host goes like,

Holy Pomeranian, Batman! Commissioner Gordon's in trouble! No, not this commissioner. The pooch from Brooklyn! Wow. Yeah. I love it when you get, when you give those local news guys a chance to stretch a little bit, you know?

Do something out of their comfort zone. Can I just say that we have, we have in our past here on Jordan, Jesse, Go, one other New York-based superlative, and that's that our friend and your new best friend, Alison Rosen, was New York's funniest reporter. And who knows how amazing this segment could have been had Alison Rosen, New York's funniest reporter, been assigned to the story of Commissioner Gordon, New York's cutest dog. Wow.

Yeah. I would have loved this. I bet her Batman narrator voice is great. That said, what I really loved was the fact that it took a simple fax from their producer to convince them just to send us a new check. producer to convince them just to send us a new check. And we had them make it out for $5,015 to cover the bounce check fee of the previous. There you go. So you're in the black.

You're in the black, baby. Yeah. And we used that money to put a down payment on the place we got married at. Hey, that's nice. How was the wedding? It was lovely. Oh, gosh. Well, that dog with no eyes showed up.

Oh, boy. Had a little too much at the open bar. I know how that goes. Jesse, do you feel like are there any contests you can enter your dogs into? I know they're pretty cute. Yeah. I mean, they're getting towards maybe entering like World's Least Tooth Dog. There you go.

The No Eyes Dog. World's Creakiest Dog. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I like didn't even, like I went on a hike today with a friend of the show, Ben Harrison. And he brought his dog, his wonderful, adorable dog, Darwin. And our friend Dan Wally was there. He brought his dog.

And I didn't bring my dog because my dogs have gotten to the point in their lives where they'll go about 200 yards and then they just sit down like they're excited to leave the house but then once they've got a little ways they just sit and they're like yeah this goose is cooked dad do they deal well with other dogs do they like do they would they like play nice with the other dogs no not at all not in the slightest in fact they don't even like one like, one of the things that's going on in my house right now, one of my dogs, Coco, is a little older than my other dog, Sissy. Coco is about 13 or 14, and Sissy's about 11 or 12. And Sissy is still pretty spry.

Sissy's still, you know, she's not a puppy, but she's got a lot of zip. Coco mostly just goes into my closet and hides. And Sissy at some point, like for a long time, Coco was the boss. But at some point, Sissy realized that Coco was getting a little long in the tooth. You know, she sort of saw the weakness. And she just started attacking Coco. Oh, boy. And for a long time, it was enough to make sure they were, like, behind closed doors in different rooms when they got fed. But recently, Sissy just started being merciless towards coco so coco is basically

consigned to live in our basement now that's nice just like a uh a classic caricature of a nerd yeah exactly well what happened is i sent her to get this particular cask of amontillado. Ah, sure. Very fine Amontillado. No, but Coco is fine with it, because my closet that she likes to hide in is in our basement, as is our bedroom. So she gets to get in bed with us at night. But it is a hot conflict here at my house. And so we just have left up the baby gate. Like my youngest child just turned four. He doesn't need a baby gate up anymore. But we leave that baby gate up to segregate these pups.

Because otherwise it would end up with poor Coco's heart condition being triggered. Oh boy. Heart condition. I know. She's got's heart condition being triggered. Oh, boy. Heart condition? I know. She's got a heart condition. Her heart's too big. She loves me too much. Hey, just get her in the basement.

Get her a beanbag chair. Get her a fucking flashing beer sign. Oh, yeah. Get her a man cave is what you're saying. Turn the basement into a man cave where she can have the guys over a foosball table maybe guys over i bet a dog would love a terrible smelling candle oh yeah i think bumper pool the candle is still in my yard jesse do you want me to bring the candle by by the way jordan do like i've literally just listed elements of a man cave as foosball table and bumper pool uh which i'm pretty sure is just describing the

columbia park boys club that i attended when i was eight years old yeah where all the men hang out yeah maybe she could build a little bird house or shine some plastics yeah what what is the i guess the modern man cave probably includes a video game system. I think a modern man cave includes a full-size arcade machine. Oh, yeah, totally. Something that the missus does not care for. Yeah. She's been bugging me to get rid of this thing.

This is definitely, I mean, like, I'm not going to say every single man cave has this, but most of them have that golf game with the big track ball, right? Oh, yeah, Golden Tee. Yeah, Golden Tee. Yeah, sure, every man cave is also a sports bar and a strip mall, yes. You got a big buck hunter in there. Nickel wings. What's that game, what's that arcade game and chris i don't know

if you're uh i don't know if you're an arcade goer but i know that jordan i mean in while we were able to go in public would would hit up an arcade uh even today what was that game where it was like a hologram of a wizard oh right, right. That game sucks. I know the one you're talking about and I know, I remember, It's so hard. Yeah. This was a,

this was like new technology at the time and I remember seeing a like, as a kid, seeing an ad in the newspaper that our Chuck E. Cheese had it. Oh, yeah. And like, that's how fucking, And this was like 1988.

I mean, this was a long time ago. This wasn't even like 1994, right? Yeah, I'm going to say late 80s. Late 80s, early 90s. And boy, yeah, I remember. So you are a cowboy. You're a hologram. You know, it's projected up from the game.

So it, you know, and it's like full motion video. It's photorealistic. So it looks like you're controlling, you know, like actors in the cheapest Halloween costumes you've ever seen. like the cabinet of an arcade game and inside the cabinet of the arcade game that like the the height of the screen is taken up by a majestic hologram or they're imagining like that full-size you know robert kardashian that uh that kanye got for kim for christ Christmas or whatever it was. Like if they're imagining that, no, it was like a white round thing that was like 24 inches across. And the holograms, as I recall, were like four or five inches tall.

Yeah, it's a shitty little hologram, like the one that comes out of R2-D2 in the Star Wars picture. Yes, that's exactly what it's like. It's like the one that comes out of R r2d2 in the star wars picture yes that's exactly what it's like it's like the one that comes out of r2d2 but it's a wizard it's a cowboy that tells travels through time to fight a wizard yeah yeah it's one of those things where it's like it has time travel but it also it it yeah it's this cowboy going to various time periods and just like gunning down people from that time. But also just like fantasy realms too. He's like, you're magical, huh? Well, I bet you never seen one of these motherfuckers. It's a gun and now you're dead.

Yeah. I hope you enjoyed learning all those fucking magic spells over the course of your 400 year life. Fucking wizard, you're dead now leaking out on the fucking dirt Jesse you're not the only one who can read out of a Wikipedia page excuse me oh here we go yes time traveler or hologram

time traveler is a laser disc interactive movie game it was designed by Dragon's Lair creator Rick Dyer another shitty game and It was designed by Dragon's Lair creator Rick Dyer. Another shitty game. And released in 1991 by Sega. Its plot is that an American Old West cowboy named Marshall Graham travels to various timelines to rescue Princess

Kyla, K-Y-I hyphen L-A, and defeat the evil Time Lord Volkor. In 2001, a home version was published by Digital Leisure in PCd-rom and standard dvd format the dvd version also included a red blue stereographic presentation and intended partially to mimic the arcade original wow how the fuck are we not playing that game right now on our home computers what the how did we not know about this why didn't justin mcelroy tell us about this yeah

man yeah boy yeah our our our childhood was filled with like gimmick arcade games that like looked cool for a second but were actually no fun i mean dragon's lair is the you know is the quintessential example of that it was a don bluth animated cartoon that you could kind of sort of control but it was basically just like you know moving the joystick when there was a blip on the screen and this cartoon played out anyway um yeah this was kind of the same it was a don bluth cartoon yeah don bluth animated it's really i uh listen uh we're all just trying to amuse ourselves on youtube i watched a playthrough of Dragon's Lair 2 the other day.

Jordan, you don't need to apologize for this. We've discussed on this program the time I watched an entire 15-minute YouTube video about a machine that played cassette tapes like they were slides in a slide carousel. So go ahead. Anyway, Dragon's Lair is just if you remove the gameplay element is beautiful it's so it looks so cool it's so uh it's so like beautifully animated it's got that great hand-drawn animation style anyway makes for a shitty video game but they really they i mean they're they're beautiful pieces of animation what about pit fighter that's

the one that i remember it was like it was like the golden age of you know street fighter 2s in in arcades and they were like well we have that but with photo realistic graphics yeah i mean i think pit fighter kind of followed mortal kombat that was mortal kombat's original gimmick was like oh we've have we've had this like motion capture actor um in a bad halloween costume that you can you can control and yeah pit fighter was like a wrestling version of mortal kombat you could like grapple that was like the thing i think what what was the what was the shittiest bullshit of the of this era because I feel like there's a lot of... You know, I played... I was at a barcade before The Nightmare Descended, and

I played Star Wars, the video game, you know, with the line graphics. Oh, yeah, sure. And I was like, this is pretty fun. Yeah, that Star Wars game is fun. And probably at the time, I think it had a muffled voice where it's like, It was a voice! pretty fun yeah that Star Wars game is fun and probably at the time I think it had a like a it

has a muffled voice where it's like and like it's like and obviously the speaker is from the 80s so it probably sounds even worse but like I'm sure at the time like putting a quarter in and hearing was like fucking mind-blowing you're like future's here. This thing's talking to me. I remember when I, on my dad's PC XT with a CGA, you know, four-color screen or eight-color screen or whatever it was, eight different greens, I had this game called Monday Night Football, and I remember that it could get the speaker in the PC

when you started up the game to go, what's your security password? it could get the speaker in the PC when you started up the game to go, what's your security password? And then you had to look something up on page 224 of the manual or whatever. And that was the greatest thrill of my life to that point. To hear the garbled PC speaker go, what's your security password? Was absolutely breathtaking to me chris do you

have a most mind-blowing video game of your youth gosh you know if we're talking full motion video uh games of the youth it's it's got to be the goosebumps game um you have not talked about this on this on this show no uh oh my gosh honestly chris it seems like something we would have talked about on the show i know i'm i'm like you had to have right like no yeah you're the first let's say i don't even know it existed my nine-year-old is currently a goosebumps obsessive and is watching goosebumps the television show uh which is a is a very interesting show. I would say the number one thing that is interesting to me about it is that sometimes it's kids in scary situations, and sometimes the kids are just extraordinarily good at acting,

like upsettingly good at acting on this show. And sometimes it's as though they just went to a middle school and grabbed someone at random. Like the levels of variety in the skills of the performers on the television show, truly incredible. But I had no idea that there was a video game of it. Oh, well, you want to talk about a range of performers. So this is a, it's a full motion game. It's a point and click adventure where you are going to the, the monster land or horror land.

I forget the name of the, the goosebumps theme park. And you know, you follow. Not Barry farm. Right. Of course. Snoopy drinks your blood and the game is over.

Yeah. So Snoopy, Snoopy maintains his eternal youth that's why snoopy has never died is because he drinks human blood he does his snoopy dance and he says his famous catchphrase you're drunk so you you follow these two child actors around as you try to figure out the secrets to the park. But eventually you wind up in the vampire boss's lair. And the vampire boss is played by Jeff Goldblum. Whoa.

Holy shit. Yeah. And this was always baffling to me. And this was always baffling to me until years ago I was I was I was randomly a guest at a convention along with R.L. Stein. And I was I was blessed enough to have dinner with him. Whoa. And I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about with R.L. Stein, the guy who wrote more books than I've read from any other person. Hey, why was Jeff Goldblum in that video game?

And his answer was very interesting. It's because this Goosebumps video game was one of the very first DreamWorks productions. Wow. And Steven Spielberg was heavily involved too and uh you know director of the famous goosebumps video game steven spielberg comes and asks jeff goldblum sure he's gonna say yes so that was he's like well i mean given your involvement in the legendary success of E.T. the video game. Yeah. Spielberg video games always turn out great. Yeah, but that game's great.

Man, I bought a Game Boy just so I could play Hook. Yeah, boy, it is funny to think of the Dreamworks making that and like, well, this video game turned out bad, I guess make Shrek? Should we make Shrek now? or try and do another game or i don't know oh god i'd love to i'd love to play a fucking sweet laser disc video game right now

no it sounds nice that's the medium that is the medium for video games never got better yeah they really peaked with that platter of half a movie you know the i when we're talking hey if we're talking about mind-blowing uh mind-blowing video game voices of the 8 and 16 bit era uh you guys remember altered beast do you guys ever play altered beast that was like a werewolf something kind of deal right is that a rise from your grave is the weird thing they say on that yeah you're a strong man who gets stronger when you collect orbs and you bust out of your clothes the whole thing's very erotic you start out as a skinny man and you turn into your but your head doesn't change so you get buffer but you still have a small head.

You bust out of your clothes. Eventually, you turn into a werewolf. Yes, the game starts with, rise from your grave. But eventually, when you get the boss, it's, welcome to your doom. It's so good. It's like my favorite vocal performance is whoever said, welcome to your doom. It's a short game, too. You can just spend like an hour on it. Yeah, I think, you know.

Rise from your grave, welcome to your doom, and have lunch. You're out. It was actually Jordan. It was Bette Midler. Really? Mm-hmm. Ah, she's great. Great in everything.

She was really hot at the time. You know, she had From a Distance and all that Right Wind Beneath My Wings, Welcome to Your Doom I had a video I am 90% sure I had a computer game that starred Edward James Olmos There was a hot

In that full motion video trend. Like there's some like weird... There's some weird cameos by weird huge people. It's possible it was an adaptation of Stand and Deliver, but I'm not confident on that. Did you have to take the AP math test? Yeah, exactly. Okay, let's take a break.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, exactly. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, can I tell you something? Yes, please. Every single time we do this show, you know who's paving the road in front of us?

The members of MaximumFun.org. All the folks who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. We're grateful to every single one of you. Enjoy those pins as they start to show up on your doorstep. Thank you. We love you. You're the greatest. This week, we are also supported

by our friends at Zip Recruiter. Jordan, I'm a small business owner. Did you know that? I knew you were a small business owner. I've always wanted to ask you, as a small business owner, are there challenges? Are there challenges that come with being a small business owner? I've always wanted to know. No, not at all. Oh, okay. Maybe I should do it. No, it's easy.

It's easy, yeah. I don't understand why you're still working stiff when you could just be a small business owner. It's as easy as it gets. All you got to do is, oh, God damn it. Shit, shit, shit. Oh, no. What's happening? I have to do is, oh, God damn it. Shit, shit, shit. Oh, no. What's happening? I have to do hiring.

And it's so hard to find qualified candidates. Oh, no. A sound is happening. Something, a bad sound that I can't see because we're not using video. Jesse, I think I have a solution for you. I don't want to have to find candidates, Jordan. I took my headphones off and threw them to emphasize the point. Here, put the cans back on because I think I got the solution.

It's the website ziprecruiter.com slash JJGO. Here's what happens. They find you great candidates to hire. I mean, sure, you could post your job to some job board, but then all you can do is hope the right person comes along. But ZipRecruiter helps take all the guesswork out. They use powerful technology to actively find and invite quality candidates to apply to the job.

It's no wonder that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. You know what the technology they use is? A lot of people don't know this. Gundam suits. Whoa, cool. Yeah, it's some fucking Robotech shit.

Sweet. It is amazing. Here's your candidates. So while other companies may overwhelm you with applications to sift through zip recruiter finds you what you're looking for the needle in the haystack yeah god i love that zip recruiter zip recruiter here see for yourself see for yourself it's gonna help you you go to ziprecruiter.com slash JJGO, and you can try it for free. Free! There's no reason not to try it.

You can do it for free. Ziprecruiter.com slash JJGO. Give it a shot. Find that needle. Keep your hands out of that filthy haystack. Ziprecruiter. It's Earth's last best hope. Jesse, I have an installment of the fan favorite JJ Go segment Independent bookstores where people have pre-ordered the upcoming bubble graphic novel

Why this is the graphic novel? What an amazing coincidence I think this is the graphic novel my friend Jordan co-wrote That's true, I co-wrote it with beloved JJ Go regular Sarah Morgan, the artist by the She's my friend too! Oh, holy cow! My friend and yours, friend of the program, friend of Max Fun, Sarah Morgan, a hilarious

writer, the great comic book artist, Tony Cliff doing the art for this thing, Natalie Reis doing the covers, the colors, just a cooler team of talented geniuses I could not have hoped for to accompany me

in this comic book adventure. Yeah, move over, hidden figures. So people have been pre-ordering, which is great. Bad news, early The Beatles. People have been pre-ordering. It's great. Not only does it help the book, but it helps your local independent bookstore,

which might be going through a tough time right about now. So here's some places. Maybe there's one in your neighborhood that you could check out. We have had a number of people tell me they have pre-ordered from Books Are Magic in Brooklyn. Oh, yeah. That's like the official independent bookstore of maximum fun, except for that I would like them to give us money for that title or something. The official unofficial bookstore. That's the one that's, I think it's near Hodgman's house, and he just wanders over there and signs books whenever they need him to. Oh, man.

Books are magic in Brooklyn. A lot of people pre-ordering from this spot. Brooklyn, I think, we were all kind of surprised they did not come out of the gate strong for this challenge. But they've come roaring back. Brooklyn has really had a strong showing in this reserving bubble at the independent bookstore challenge. I feel like we can always count on Brooklyn, New York City, where they paint pictures of Biggie. Yeah, exactly.

They love Biggie. They love bubble. Like, they love Biggie, they love Bubble. Women and Children First in Chicago, Illinois. The Little Boho Bookshop in Bayonne, New Jersey. Watermark Books in Wichita, Kansas. Atomic Books in Baltimore, Maryland. Pilgrim's Way Bookstore and Secret Garden at Carmel by the Sea, California.

Yeah, we dominate in Carmel. They love us in Carmel-by-the-Sea, California. Yeah. We dominate in Carmel. They love us in Carmel. You know why? Eastwood's close to death. We're the next best thing. Yeah. I definitely, every time somebody tells me about their bookstore they're pre-ordering at, I like to just Google the bookstore and imagine I'm visiting it. And this one legitimately has a secret garden attached to it.

That's so dope. If you're in Carmel. Can I tell you something? I've been reading the book. You know this book, The Secret Garden? Yes. I've been reading that with my daughter, Grace. Yeah, she's loving it.

Great book. I recommend it. Why not pre-order a copy of The Secret Garden when you're pre-ordering Bubble? Throw it in there. You'll enjoy it. I don't think you have to pre-order it. Mary Hodgson Burnett. No, you've got to pre-order that it's it's 1911

i think uh we got francie and finch in lincoln nebraska uh brookline brookline booksmith in brookline massachusetts half off books in Fullerton, California. Hey, the first Orange County entrant. Hold on, Jordan. Yes. I want people to pay full price for your book. That's true. Even if you get it from Half Off Books in Fullerton, just give them the full amount.

Whatever they're charging, double it. Give them the money, and then tell them to give the money to the publisher. Just don't listen to Half-off books in Fullerton. Pay them twice what they're charging. Fucking half-off books. Order two of them, but only keep one of them. There you go.

Throw the other one in the trash. George, you're the biggest thing to come out of Orange County since, I don't know, skateboards or whatever. Yeah, skateboards, Will Ferrell. Frosted tips and lifted cars. And people who won't wear masks because they care too much about their personal freedoms. Yeah, exactly. Really good pho. Oh, yeah.

You can preorder it from Green Apple Books in San Francisco. I'm having a really good warm drink. Sorry. I wasn't listening. It's okay. Green Apple Books in San Francisco. You can pre-order a bubble from there. Oh, this is a really cool one.

Mega Brain Comics in Rochester, New York. This is a really, really cool MaxFun fan who owns just basically the coolest looking store I've ever seen. They do comics. They do records. They have classic arcade games. It looks like an awesome place.

And I know a lot of bookstores will do this, but I definitely know that if you want to order it from MegaBrain, they will ship anywhere. I don't know if it's worldwide, but I think definitely in the US. So if you don't have an indie bookstore or a comic bookstore that you love in your neighborhood, yeah, maybe grab it from Megabrain.

You'll be supporting a really cool small business that is owned by MaxFunFans. We got the old Firehouse Books in Fort Collins, Colorado, and Donner in Rottenham, Netherlands. Our first order from the Netherlands that I know of. Donner's great. I hear they have great parties there. Rotten Ham, Netherlands. Our first order from the Netherlands that I know of. Donner's great. I hear they have great parties there. Oh, Jesse, there's something I need to tell you about how that old Donner party turned out.

Have you only read half that story? Let's see. Oh, a nice Redditor named MaxionG pre-ordered it for his library patrons at the Chicago Public Library. I thought that was nice. Chicago? That's one of America's biggest and most wonderful cities. Pick it up from your public library in Chicago. Thanks to MaxionG from Reddit.

Except, by the way, I said it was wonderful, except in winter or summer. Yeah. Then it's a real nightmare. Other than that, it's pretty much number one, yeah. Books on Beachwood in Ottawa, Canada. That's nice to have a Canadian entrant. Tony Cliff, the artist, is a Canadian fellow, so it's nice that Canada is representing.

And, of course, Riff Raff in Providence, Rhode Island. Yeah. Just ordered it straight from the rapper Riff Raff. Right. That's what he does now. He sells books now. Well, I mean, I think the thing everybody said about 2020, it was the year of pivoting. Yeah.

You can only spring break for so long. You know what I mean? Now he's refocused on book selling book selling in providence rhode island everybody should pre-order bubble uh it's going to be pretty amazing i've i've uh i i got to look i'm not bragging but i've seen some pdfs i've got i'm on an i'm on i get bcc'd with a pdf okay sure i've seen the PDFs on the BCC. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, it's really awesome.

It's a big old graphic novel sized graphic novel. I know some people are like, oh, is this a single issue? Is this just a floppy? No, this is a big complete story. You know Jordan's never floppy. The man comes hard. Sure. But you can actually get it in hardback and softback, I should mention.

Oh, thank you. Hardback is really beautiful and collectible. But it's available in softback if that's how you like to read your comics. If you've pre-ordered Bubble somewhere, yeah, hit me up online somehow. Let me know and I'll shout him out on the podcast. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love Well, I mean, you know, I'm a sucker for a pirate ghost. Right. You know, dead men tell no tales. I'm a little basic like that. Yeah. I'm a little basic. I love target and pirate ghosts. Yeah, tarjay, I call it. That's fun.

You go in for a couple of things, you end up spending 50 bucks. Yeah. So, yeah. So, let's see. Pirate ghosts. And then, you end up spending 50 bucks. Yeah. So, yeah. So, let's see. Pirate ghosts. And then, yeah, I think Target ghosts. And then Opera House ghosts. I don't know.

Do you guys have top ghosts? That's a really good question. I mean, I'm going to say, like, Edwardian little girl. Yep. That's got to be on my top ghost list. I'm going to say With the Most is going to be on the list there. So Beetlejuice then. Yeah.

And gee whiz, I'm going to go with Pepper, the famous extra spicy hot pepper. Right. Yes. Right. Yes. Oh, gosh. I just hope that the opera ghost doesn't just turn out to be a creepy guy with a crush on the main singer who just lives in the basement. Yeah, that would be a real fucking bummer. That would be embarrassing.

Who among us hasn't had a crush on the main opera singer, you know? You know, personally, I'd take a sub-singer at this point. Who among us hasn't had a crush on the main opera singer, you know? You know, personally, I'd take a sub-singer at this point. I'd take a dom singer, am I right? Sure. I'll take a singer. Anyone, anyone who sings. Please, I'm so lonely.

Please, it's before the invention of the record player. It's the only way I can hear music. More of this character. Please. He knows about inventions that are going to be invented. I am from the past, so sometimes I slow down my talking. It indicates longing. If only my wife were swift of feet, because email has not been invented yet. And I need her to send out my many letters. To Oprah.

Also, this guy relies on his wife for every modern invention. He wants his love life to bring him the conveniences of the modern world. All I want is a share a bed with a nice Hot pocket Yeah don't we all If only my One true love Could bring me the convenience

Of seltzer At home And hopefully not involved in any weird Israel and Palestine without the occupied territories which I know about

okay when something momentous happens to you like you find just the right romantic partner to quickly and evenly reheat your food. Give us a call, 206-9844-FUN, or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. As has done this person now. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go.

This is Chuck calling from Morton Grove in Illinois. My wife and I and our daughter recently moved here from Logan Square in Chicago. So my wife is a little particular about the impression we cast on our new neighbors. So, which is why, moments ago, she burst into my studio to berate me about leaving stuffed animals so that they're looking out the front window.

I mean, mainly this is just baby penguin and baby gorilla, but also as of today, new worried sheep. gorilla but also as of today uh new worried sheep uh i got new worried sheep yesterday at the grocery store and uh sometimes they need to look out the front window and my wife asked me why you insist on doing this anyway uh uh happy birthday 2021 or something i don't know what the cat's phrase is bye Happy birthday 2021 or something. I don't know what the cat's phrase is. Bye. This guy is not even... This is like a fever dream he's having.

He's just saying... This is like... You know when you watch one of those videos online where a news reporter is talking real words and then they start saying not real words and it turns out they were having a like, a neurological incident of some kind. Every single part, right from when he said, something, something, Illinois, all the way through New Worried Sheep, I was pretty sure was that.

I was, yeah, I guess the online video I would liken it to is, like, filming your kid after they've gotten nitrous at the dentist. God. like filming your kid after they've gotten nitrous at the dentist. God. Why is the internet now... Now the internet is for organizing, you know, white supremacist insurrections. Uh-huh. Back then, it was for showing what children did and said

against their will when they were high on drugs. Yes, and? That's good, clean fun. Of course, taking wonderful trips through the world of E-bomb. Yes. We would, these days, you know, these days, Kelsey Grammer tells us about why we should have an insane strongman president. But back then, back then, he fell off a stage and then was really polite about it. Yeah.

You're like, man, this is impressive. Yeah. Better, I mean, better, better days. I mean, you know, listen, I know it's, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say it. That was impressive. Yeah. I mean, better days. I mean, you know, listen, I know it's... Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say it. That was better. Yeah, it was. Let's go back to watching all videos in QuickTime players,

and maybe the world will kind of set itself right. Yeah. You know what? Why don't we stop going to Twitter.com and start going to jibjab.com. Right. Did we address on this show the fact that I got direct mail for jibjab.com in the last election cycle? No, uh-uh.

Is it because I bought something from Land's End? What gets you on the mailing list to get a postcard advertising jibjab? Was it related to the election yeah well i mean jib jab is probably second only to the borowitz report and trenchant satire of america's political scene yeah it was it was jib it was like a promo to go watch jib jab videos on jib jab i think it was sent to me by i don't know john carrey um but i really did it was like an actual physical postcard i got in the mail i guess jib jab is getting their money's worth right now yeah right we're already uh yeah i mean as far as i

know they didn't pay for this ad yeah so let's mean, it had a sawbuck tucked into it. All right. Whatever that is. It looks like what JibJab does now is you can put your face or the face of someone you know into a little video. I would love to put my face into Swift Boat Veterans for Bush Right So, so JibJab does deep fakes now? Yes, JibJab is all deep fakes

JibJab just has a whole section dedicated to making Hillary Clinton seem drunk Right Let's do, let's do one more call a whole section dedicated to making Hillary Clinton seem drunk. Let's do one more call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I'm going to guess Paula Poundstone. My name's Alec. I'm calling from Salt Lake City, Utah.

I was just on my drive home from work, and I got a phone call on my headphones here. Just at one of those spam calls, a robotic voice tells me that the Department of Social Security has deleted my number and that I need to call them and figure it out. So I kind of like to just for fun. and figure it out. So I kind of liked you just for fun. And when they connected me with someone, I just started making fart noises. And lo and behold, the guy on the other end of the phone starts trying to communicate with me via fart noise as well.

And we held a conversation for probably about three or four minutes of just until he finally gave up. I wasn't willing to give up. And he said, well, that's enough for today. And hung up the phone. Anyway, thanks for being great. And bye. You know, I feel like a lot of people think that it's impossible to build bridges between cultures, you know?

Right, yeah. We're just too different, they say. You know what I say to them, Jordan? Hmm. Yes. Ooh. To all of our brothers and sisters in all the cultures around the world. We must let our children lead the way.

This is what I remember Epcot being like. I took a family trip to Epcot as a kid, and I think it was all this. Yeah, they just give you beans at the front gate. Right. You have to fart along with some real kind of as a kid. I think it was all this. Yeah, they just give you beans at the front gate. Right. Have you fart along with some real kind of vague inspirational messages. Big plate of juicy beans. I don't appreciate how

gross the show has gotten. We used to, Chris, I don't know what you did to us. We used to keep this thing clean. Sorry, I'm not Chris. I'm Paul Poundstead. Paula. Welcome back to our podcast network.

Oh, thank you so much. You know, when your hunger's poking at you, poking at you. Great to be on a podcast. 206-984-4FUN or send a voice memo to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Judge John Hodgman. And I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Ten years ago, I came on Jordan, Jesse, go and judged my first dispute.

Is chili a soup? It's a stew, obviously. The judge has dispensed a decade of justice. He's the one person wise enough to answer the really important questions, like should you hire a mime to perform at your own funeral? After they cry, I want them to laugh. Do you really need a tank full of jellyfish in your den? They smell like living creatures decaying. Only if they are decaying. Yeah, which they will be. Real people, real justice, real comedy. Winner of the Webby Award for Best Comedy Podcast. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org.

on MaximumFun.org. Hey, it's Jesse. What you're about to hear is real. Hey, this is Chris. Hi, Chris. It's Jesse calling from Maximum Fun. Hey, Jesse. I heard that you got into a car accident.

Yeah, I was listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself, and I just laughed so hard that I slammed into a car accident. Yeah, I was listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself and I just laughed so hard that I slammed into a construction barrier. Do you remember what it was that was so funny? I will never forget, I'm sure.

They started talking about Vegas and the, you know, if it happens here, it stays here and that slogan. And Graham was talking about, oh, you know,

wasn't there some other slogan for another commercial? Oh, it was like a commercial for love and then graham was talking about oh you know wasn't there some other slogan for another commercial i was like a commercial for food and it said like whatever's in there stays in there i can't remember what it was clams or something clams just so ridiculous and man i got lightheaded I was laughing so hard. Next thing I know, smash. They are just brilliantly funny. So I talked to Dave and Graham from Stop Podcasting Yourself. We would like to pay your car repair bill. Is that okay? I mean, that would be super nice, Jesse. I really thank you. I appreciate that.

Really, thank you. I appreciate that. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Chris Hastings, the phantom of the opera. I knew it. I knew it.

You got the rights in between the second and third segments of the program. Yeah, I don't have to dance around it anymore. Yeah, you got Universal's lawyers on the phone. Disney bought Fox. Right, yeah. You put it in three episodes of Howard the Duck. It's all nice and legal. God, I would love for putting something in three issues of howard the duck to be the new hole in the sheet you know what i mean like any you're good with god on anything

as long as you put it in three issues of howard yeah you can you can cheat a cheat on your wife in three episodes of howard the Yeah. The Lord careth not. Christopher Hastings, what have you got out there that our audience can enjoy at this time? Oh, what a generous question for you to ask me. Sure. You know, my main thing right now is I do the Rude Tales of Magic podcast, which you previously mentioned, where, you know, a bunch of comedians,

and we all play Dungeons & Dragons, and it's more of an excuse to sort of do comedy with some light dice rolling. Yeah, yeah, I like it. I like it. I also took to Twitter to enjoy your Wario Noir series. Oh, thank you. Or Noirio. Noirio, yeah.

Yeah, when I had a little time on my hands, I decided to write and draw a series of comics where Wario from the Super Mario series. We know who Wario is. Wario's meat. Right,. We know who Wario is. Wario's meat. Right, yes. Meat and pork, yeah. Is a hard-boiled detective trying to solve the mystery of Super Mario's murder.

Wow. His oldest foe. How ironic. Can I be frank with you about how I felt about this comic that I looked at, Christopher? Please. I felt it was too finely crafted. I was upset. I was worried that you had put too much work into it.

Yeah. I didn't make any money from that whatsoever. And I did work harder on it than a lot of things. whatsoever and i did work harder on it than a lot of things i was like this man is using his talent for this yep yeah uh and i still do stupid comics like that um uh but i do them in a much slower pace now as i am busy with real work you know doing uh things where a bunch of different colored sonyas uh fight each other uh oh we talked about that off my the sonya versal the the series where uh the um the barbarian character red sonya faces off against a purple sonya who is a sonya who has a mech and a green

sonya who's a sonya that can turn into a dinosaur and an orange Sonya who is a cyborg, and a yellow Sonya who's a steampunk, blue Sonya is like the Punisher, et cetera, et cetera. What's the difference between a mech and a cyborg? Oh, well, a mech is a giant robot that you pilot, and a cyborg is short for a cybernetic organism, so it's a mix of machine and man. Oh. What do you make the giant pilot thing out of? I think that's just pure machine.

Okay. I picked up the first episode of this Sonya-versal, as I mentioned. I love to read a Chris Hastings comic product, and it's great. I don't have any attachment to the Red Sonya property, apart from maybe having seen the movie at a sleepover as a kid, and it's great. It's crazy and fun and definitely, yeah. I think it does what Chris Hastings does so well.

It's like, have fun with how crazy comics can be. Because they should be, right? They should be crazy. That's why you get these things. Anyway, yeah. Yeah, why not? All you got to do is draw it, and it's right there. Yeah.

Yeah. My main thing is I do really like to take what on paper looks to be the dumbest thing on the planet, whether it be a Gwen Stacy Deadpool or a Dr. Ninja or a Wario detective, and force the reader to care about it like really like like be like no these are people too yeah like this dumb thing is a person well i mean this mech respect the mech that was my that was my favorite wu-tang clan single uh well christopher hastings a joy to have you on the program. You can find him podcasting and comic book writing across this great nation.

Our producer on the podcast, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Jordan, did you hear that this is in a new movie? I think so. I think we talked about it last time. I think Linda Holmes braced us for the deluge of people pointing out that our theme song is going to be in another movie.

Yeah, I'm building a bulwark right now. I'm not 100% on what a bulwark is, but I'm learning by doing. You can find us on Twitter at jessithorn at jordan underscore morris. We're on Instagram now at jordandavidmorris and at put.this.on. Just if you subscribe to mine, just be prepared for Fit Picks. Yeah, that's right. I'm posting Fit Picks.

W-I-W-T, what I wore today. You can find us on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo, on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com, on Facebook, you can like Jordan Jesse Go or join the Maximum Fun Facebook group. Hey, I've heard about all these folks with pins showing up. I forgot our pin was a skateboard that said table on it. That's really great. And so thanks to everybody. If you got a pin showing up, our thanks to you, not only for supporting Maximum Fun, but in most cases, also

supporting direct relief for people who are suffering because of COVID. Between the money that the pin sale made and the money that Max Fund donated, we gave over $100,000 to direct support for COVID-19. And so that is really awesome. I hope you wear those pins proudly, knowing that you also did some good in the world. I think that's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Welcome to your doom.