Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 679: Orcumcised with Elliott Kalan

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

Elliott Kalan (The Flophouse podcast, MST3K on Netflix, Maniac of New York comic) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the beautiful segmented urban worms in Elliot's garage, what his experience of being a contestant on Jeopardy recently, a new one-man show about MOMSTANK. And this week Jesse has turned the tables to quiz Jordan and Elliott!Plus, Elliott has a great new slasher horror comic out called Maniac of New York! Check out BUBBLE on Goodreads and click "Want to read!"

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, I'm a little down. Aw, what's the matter, buddy? I'm Jordan Mortis, boy detective. Here to cheer up the big guy. I call you the big guy now, by the way. Thank you, I'll take it. Well, what's going on? Lay it on me. I mean, obviously, we've all been going through a lot. Not me. I'm doing great.

I've heard others are. People are having a tough time, apparently. I'm thriving. I think just the main thing that's going on with me is I've been putting a lot of work into self-care lately. Okay. Sounds good so far. The first six months of all this, I really had to focus on my family. And then I've been building up my self-care routine. So like new butt plug? Yeah.

I mean, here's the problem that i'm having i'm just starting to feel like you miss your no matter no matter how much baby blood i drink i'll never control show business oh i see i see you know i feel like it's so hard to get the blood it doesn't taste great yeah you're just chugging blood. I drink it every single day, and I still haven't even gotten, you know, I've been trying to push a reboot of IFC's The Grid. There's just a lot of The Grid nostalgia out there. Yeah.

All these grid kids are grown up, you know? They're grown up, and they. All these grid kids are grown up, you know? Yeah. And they've got little grid kids of their own. Speaking of nostalgia, I've been trying to push a reboot of History Channel's

Christmas Through the Decades because there's been three Christmases, maybe even four, since that aired on television. Seems like a great opportunity to revisit it for nostalgists. Yeah, I'll just bring it up for people who are maybe from a different generation.

You're listing TV projects that you have been involved with. The short-lived IFC recommendation show The Grid, and also a History Channel one where you commented on Christmas clips, right? It was commented on Christmas phenomena, such as the Pet Rock. Gotcha. Yeah, I had to explain to them that I was not alive at the time and check in if that was okay. So you want to revive these.

It's revival mania out there on all the streamers. Frasier, Saved by the Bell, Punky Brewster. Right. And I also wrote a spec for that one episode of comedy bang bang where i had three lines so you're trying to revive one particular episode of comedy bang bang that's what i'm thinking i mean i just the the goal of this is to get a little heat you know the goal of the baby blood drinking right so but i mean it sounds

like you actually did some writing too. So, I mean, that's good. I mean, you can't just be the, you gotta, you attack this on multiple fronts. So it's good that you're chugging the BB. My goal is, you know,

I took a look at what drinking the baby blood did for Obama. You know, he got that big overall deal at Netflix. Yeah, he's doing great. Daughter got a writing gig, so it trickles down. It trickles down to the family members.

Yeah, so that's sort of what I'm shooting for. My daughter actually wants a writing job on Santa Jaws 2. Uh-huh. So, you know, I mean, I'm just, it's like, I keep knocking them back. I don't know. Hold on. Maybe I can, maybe I can, sorry, I don't want to, I don't want to splain here. That's the last thing I want to do on this show.

But the baby blood you've been drinking, it's, it is human, right? It's human baby blood? Gosh. Well, I buy it on Craigslist. I'm thinking back. So you don't see them, you don it on Craigslist. I'm thinking back. So you don't see them drain it. You're just getting a bag from a dude in a parking lot? How are you getting the blood?

No, I go to the guy's house, and I meet him at his huge pile of dead baby koalas. Jesse, I think what's going on, and again, I'm... It's in his backyard. It's sort of in a pyramid shape. Yeah, I think this might be baby koala blood, and that doesn't do jack shit for showbiz. Jeez. You know what?

But it does... It's funny because guess what? I was so upset, I kept emailing my agent, Josh Lindgren at CAA. And I said, at least set me up on a general. The only general I got was with Yahoo Sirius. Boy, yeah. I mean, that would explain it. I think you probably will do well with Australian celebrities. Yahoo Sirius, Paul Hogan, Australian celebrities. Yeah. Yahoo Sirius, Paul Hogan, Hugh Jackman.

That's a legit, he's got some pull. Jackman brought me in for a dance audition. Oh, yeah. Well, it's good that you have so many dance belts. Yeah, true. It's good that you have that closet full of dance belts. So here's what you need to do, Jesse. I think you're on the right track.

You just need to adjust the plan a little bit. Instead of drinking so much baby koala blood, you need to find some baby human, American human. Make sure. That's important. Make sure it's a baby American blood. And I think once you pound a couple of pints of that, you should be good to go. You'll be rebooting the grid.

You'll be rebooting the one episode of Comedy Bang Bang you were on. What about the local commercial for Expressions College of Art and Design? There you go! Everybody's clamoring for... They want to know about that character.

Remember that classic yield curve line? Remember the yield curve, Dave? What's he up to 20 years later? This could be your old man Logan. It could be grittier. Your character's been locked away. Do you think I could get Patrick Stewart for it?

Yeah, I think Patrick Stewart would do it. Yeah, I think he would. I would give him the part with a guy who says, remember the yield curve, Dave. Yeah, he'd be great at that. He'd bring a lot of gravitas to that. We have a guest on the program and he has his microphone so low, so physically low, that he is leaning in to this podcast like some sort of mother executive.

I think that's what those books were about. That book was about being a mother and an executive, leaning in. Is that what that was? Hard to say. He's one of the hosts of The Flophouse. He is a television writer for a new television program just announced. Yeah, that's right. It's got a premiere date.

Very similar, but an actual term. Past head writer of The Daily Show and Mystery Science Theater 3000 and our friend in Eagle Rock, Elliot Kalin. Hey, guys. Hey, it's Elliot. Hey, thanks for having me. I appreciate your calling out that I'm using a low child-sized table because I was not able to get my standing desk in here in time.

I do need to get a bigger grown-up desk for the garage if I'm going to slowly turn it into my independent podcast studio. Hey, but this is fun for the listener at home little drinking game drink every time you hear elliot's penis brush up against the mic you'll be drunk you'll be drunk 20 minutes in elliot is recording inside of his completely i mean this is we're grateful for this he's recording inside of his completely uninsulated garage, which I, well, it's not completely, I've been in there. It's not completely uninsulated.

The walls are lined with Elliot's books, but other than that, uninsulated. So if it sounds like he's recording in a cave, that's why. But he's cold. He's done it for us. Look, I'm so glad that you guys brought me on so you could attack the infrastructure of my house and just roast the unfinished garage that I've only lived in the house for like a little more than a year, year and a half. So it's not like – but you're right. I should have had it turned into a condo for that extra second income at this point. We're using Zoom for for this recording we don't

typically use zoom for recording we're uh we're trying it out seeing how it works and now i think more um you know more roasts about the guests appearance and houses i just that yeah i it was early it was early today that uh that i was asked hey can you can you come in and be on the show tonight and i never realized that it was an elaborate prank for the Elliot Kalin's roast of his house. Hey, Elliot, how come you don't have a nice print behind you like Jordan does? What are you doing in that garage? Okay, it's a good point. I have not hung any nice prints on my garage door, which, again, has to open to allow my car to leave and enter.

Hey, Elliot, you know what they say in the roast zone you gotta get a print rz baby class keep it tuned to comedy central with your host uh garrett morris probably yes reliable, huge with the fans just as big as he was in the late 70s. Yeah, sure. Actually, the one to the right is a print. The one to the left is an original. Oh, fantastic. Fantastic. Gorgeous work. Jordan's got artwork behind him. All Elliot's got is some segmented door. Again, I will start hanging art on the segmented garage door that, again, literally has to lift up in segments so that I can bring my vehicle in and out to charge it. It's an electric vehicle. It works on electricity.

Would it be funny if Elliot came out in the morning to drive or to get something from the garage and his car was recording a podcast? Yeah, it's called Car Talk. no one's using that name anymore car saying a lot of problematic things yeah oh yeah they uh if i turned my my computer slightly and you saw that just out of range is like a beautiful finished kind of like lounge like with it with a with a with a bar set up and everything and but i've but i've got it pointed so it looks like just an empty garage full of uh files cardboard boxes my urban worm bag of course where i throw my uh food refuse to feed to my worms do you have urban worms is that is that true i do it's a thing called the urban worm bag uh and i'm very happy with their. I'm happy to endorse it if they want to promote my own podcast.

And it is a kind of plastic frame that has a big bag hanging from it. You've got to get the worms separately. It doesn't come with the worms. But inside I've got a whole colony of worms that I throw my blended excess vegetable matter into. you know, my blended excess vegetable matter into. And they produce, for me, high-quality dirt casings, not enough to fill a garden box, but enough that I feel like I am getting, I wasn't totally ripped off by buying the bank, you know?

So where do you get the worms? There's a guy on Craigslist. Yeah, there's a guy on Craigslist. He calls them koala worms. And they look like koalas, but he calls them worms. Anyway, they're in a bag. They're very angry. There's a worm farm. I forget the name of the worm farm, but there's a worm farm, and they send it to you in the mail.

And you get just a box of worms, and you dump them in there. And you just got to keep them fed, throw a lot of bedding in there, which basically just means paper I was going to recycle anyway that I shred up. And at this point, we have two pets in the house. We have my son's fish, and we have these worms. Elliot, are these worms or hamsters? Worms are the ones that run around in the little wheels. Yes, that's correct.

So these are worms. Got it. Furry. They drink out of a bottle. Yeah. Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. Yeah. A little ball bearing in there.

How do your kids feel about the worms? Are they interacting with them at all? They love them. They love to see them. Today we removed, this is very boring, but today we removed some worms from the bag to put in our planting box to help the soil be enriched there. And they were very excited to see the worms and do the thing kids do where they like touch a worm for a second and go, eww. And then they touch it again and go, eww.

Great for the worm's self-esteem. I'm sure the worm loves it. To have a kid just poking at it going, eww. I have a segmented body and it's beautiful. Each segment is beautiful. Each segment is beautiful. Each segment of my body. Can I just say, I love my segmented wife.

Thank you. Hey, when I was young, my friends used to make fun of me because I was into girls with segments. But now? Do we all remember the curvy wife guy? Everybody remembers curvy wife guy, right? Curvy wife guy. Look up curvy wife guy. Curvy wife guy everybody remembers curvy wife yeah curvy wife guy look up curvy wife curvy wife guy anyway my my my wife got chopped in half so now i'm in a throuple yeah it was a magic trick gone wrong sorry about that my wife got eaten by a bass

uh elliot what do you what are you growing in this planting box? Uh, I forgot what we plant. Oh, uh, scallions. Oh, sure. We planted some. And like, uh, you know, different, you know, green beans and that kind of stuff. You know, your basic planter box crops. Did you propagate the scallions Cristela Alonso style? Because Cristela came on this show and she taught us all about, uh, growing vegetables out of your dead vegetables.

No, but we should do that because we certainly got a lot of cauliflower plants that are done. Yeah. They are not producing any more cauliflower and it's time to make use of those. What is amazing, this is what all my children and I did the first six months of quarantine. All my children? My mom's favorite soap opera? Yeah, it was me and the characters from All My Children. Erica Kane. Sorry. You know the characters from All My Children. Erica Kane.

Sorry. You know the characters. I should have mentioned. We all know them. Let's all go around the horn and list the characters from All My Children. Let's all name our favorite AMCs. Elliot, you already went. Erica Kane.

Now I'll go. The one I definitely know. Bob Humpton. Sure. He's always trying to get his hands on those oil derricks. Yeah. A.M. Children. Yes, A.M. Children.

That's the one I know. Arthur Murray Children. Yeah. And, of course, the great gazinks, who's the magician that it turns out has brought them all to life. Sure. And the rest. If you have the stump of a lettuce, you know the lettuce,

you know when you cut off the leaves of the lettuce, there's a stump there? Always. I'm so used to it. I eat a lot of salads in pandemic times, and I'm always cutting my own lettuce.

Left with those stumps. You can propagate that, and new lettuce grows right out of it. It is bananas. All you have to do is put it in a little shallow bowl with some water. It is crazy that All you have to do is put it in a little shallow bowl with some water. It is crazy that it works, but it totally works.

And green onions, scallions, they do that like in two weeks. It is crazy. Now, like at the end of all that, you just have like a very thin scallion. So it's not like that useful per se but it is amazing how

nature works you know what I mean but it does bring you into the exciting and elite world of competitive scallion thinness you know what at some point I love my thin scallions I just imagine an eccentric billionaire showing up at your door and saying You know what? At some point, I love my thin scallions. I just imagine an eccentric billionaire showing up at your door and saying, I heard you had the thinnest of scallions.

And he looks at it and he goes, exquisite. I must have it. Scallions as thin as the prophecy foretold. Who the fuck are you? I'll pay you $40,000 for it. For a scallion? Yeah, sure. Andion yeah sure and as he walks he goes the fool i would have paid him thrice as much and then he gets hit by a car yeah because he's too busy lovingly looking at the scallion as he crosses the street yeah let that be a lesson kids look both ways do not be obsessed with a scallion and then at the end sam spade explains everything that happened, but you still kind of

don't follow. Like a little bit don't follow, even though. Elliot, you mentioned salad eating. How are you dressing up these salads? How are you making these things good to eat? Okay, I'll tell you my secret basic norm core basic bitch salad recipe

that will guarantee everyone understands that I'm as white as i appear to be that uh it's what lettuce cucumbers caesar dressing cut up chicken croutons there you go that's what i'm eating for lunch almost every day yeah go ahead that's a great rate me on the scale of caucasian am i that's a rock solid i'll tell you guys i don't mean to brag i went to let's just say a popular warehouse club store uh a company where cost is never an issue born barn yeah and uh uh it's lane bryant um i i went to this popular warehouse store and I bought, I'm going to say, a 32 ounce container of ranch powder. Like Hidden Valley ranch powder?

Yeah, it is really like, it's like the size of a jug of orange juice or something. Okay. And it is so much ranch powder. of orange juice or something. Okay. And it is so much ranch powder. And so I have been making ranch at home. And I do it by combining this ranch powder,

this industrial strength ranch powder with buttermilk and homemade mayonnaise because I figured out how to make mayonnaise an easy way, which is, you know, you guys know about my passion for high-low. You know, I'm running a regular Momofuku in my kitchen there with the handmade mayonnaise powder ranch, and I have a little chive plant. I'll put some fresh chives in there and a little fresh garlic. This is a great salad, and I have come to the opinion that it doesn't matter how much ranch you put on lettuce because you're eating salad for lunch.

That's my health tip. It's interesting you mentioned that, ranch powder. It reminds me of, I went to Guy Fieri's bachelor party and we chopped it up and did it like cocaine. We got so fucked up. Oh, hey, guys. I almost forgot to mention this. I wrote a quiz for you two. Do you guys want to take a quiz?

Yeah, I would love to. I love taking quizzes. That sounds like something that could go in the show. Sure. Does it take time? Great. That'll provide some idea of structure. Sure. Does it take time? Great. That'll provide some idea of structure. Sure.

Yeah. Elliot, I know you love quizzes. You competed on Jeopardy recently and did very well for yourself. I had the slight misfortune of being on Jeopardy during the reign of a guy who was kind of a Jeopardy machine. during the reign of a guy who was kind of a Jeopardy machine. And I have since been watching the more recent episodes that have aired and been like, oh, why couldn't I have been on this episode consistently? So please, listeners, do not judge my appearance on Jeopardy as the extent of my quiz knowledge.

I am very much, again, a white guy. I want to make sure everyone knows that I know a lot of stuff and that in other circumstances I would have known the most stuff so it's interesting you elliot you were on so close to uh other past jordan jesse go guest andy wood did you watch andy's jeopardy appearances at all you know what i don't think so oh anyway um it was great it's great that we've had so many past guests also go on jeopardy so i think uh everybody get on twitter hashtag go on jeopardy fairb So I think everybody get on Twitter, hashtag go on Jeopardy Fairbanks. Yeah. Let's get him on Jeopardy.

If the questions are about drawing or snowboarding, Fairbanks is ready. Or theming putting artificial turf in your bedroom. That's something Fairbanks did. They could have a category. They have some very specific categories. And they could all go under potpourri, right? All this stuff could be potpourri. It's all notable quotables or whatever.

I finished third on Jeopardy. It's because I spent all my time studying potpourri. I found out that that is just sort of an omnibus, you know, kind of. Dry flowers that you put in the bathroom. Yeah, I learned so much about it. Elliot, what's the pre-show like at Jeopardy? Is there a green room with snacks?

I mean, obviously things probably different because of COVID, but like... Because of COVID, the pre-show for us was that we sat in the audience of the Wheel of Fortune set, which was draped in plastic. Oh, boy. And the best thing about it was that where the wheel clearly was, because it was an enormous wheel covered in plastic. And the best thing about it was that where the wheel clearly was, because it was an enormous wheel covered in plastic, there was a sign that said, do not uncover wheel under any circumstances. Which made me believe that somebody had tried to be like, there's an emergency. I had

to uncover the wheel. There were circumstances. Hello, it is I, a mad scientist. I'll destroy the city of New York if you do not uncover the wheel. What can we do? We said under no circumstances, but this is a pretty straight— Oh, there goes the city. Too late. Your episode, Elliot, was hosted by a past Jordan Jessico guest, Ken Jennings. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Very lovely, very funny man. I thought he did a good job. It's interesting that, you know, just given all these connections, there were no questions about Jordan, Jesse Go. You would think that there would have been, I mean, I don't want to say a whole category, but at least a daily double. Ken usually works a few in. Yeah. Anyway.

I mean, I don't have any control over that. As a contestant, I had no control over what the categories were or else I wouldn't have had geography be the final jeopardy on my episode. Oh, fuck me. Yeah, geography's, I don't know. I don't know had geography be the final jeopardy on my episode. Fuck me. Yeah, geographies. I don't know. I don't know where the states are, basically. I don't mean to be rude, but Isthmus.

Sorry. Sorry, buddy. It was Isthmus. It's usually Isthmus. Here's the thing with... Actually, the answers were Monaco and Algeria because there were a ton of questions on my episode that had two answers attached to them, which was kind of – I mean, and I got a couple of them, but it seemed like they were making us do extra work. Yeah. Seems cruel.

Well – They were like – at one point I had to name the capitals of both the Eastern and Western Roman Empire. Everyone knows that. It's Roman Constantinople. But it was like – it was very – it was like, why do we have to give two answers for this thing? Give me a question with one answer in it. Yeah. I can knows that. It's Roman Constantinople. But it was like, why do we have to give two answers for this thing? Give me a question with one answer in it. Yeah, I can understand that. Well, guys, speaking of extra work... Yeah, Eliot can redeem himself here with this equally prestigious quiz.

The good news about this quiz is, you know, in Jeopardy, you know, you have to answer in the form of a question. But this is a simple, multiple-choice quiz that I've written. So I know, Elliot, Jordan, I know you're both huge sports fans. This is a sports quiz. And Elliot, since you're the guest here, do you want to go first? I will. I'm kind of a sportsman. I've been known to indulge in the most dangerous games.

Lawn darts? Okay. This quiz is called, which of these is a utility player for the Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders baseball team? Okay. So that's... So that's not the question. That's the quiz title. That's the quiz title.

And Brian, play that theme music. Thank you. Okay. So welcome to which of these is a utility player for the Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders baseball team. I don't think the theme music should be Let It Be. I think we're going to get sued. And Brian, play the theme music. All right.

Okay, so all you have to do, I'm going to give you a variety of choices, Elliot. All you have to do is pick which of your choices is a utility player for the Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders baseball team. Now, that's not the Texas A&M Aggies. This is Texas A&M Corpus Christi, their mascot, the Islanders. Are you ready, Elliot? I will never be ready for this one. So yes, let's do it. Here are your choices. Gunner Triggs, Shot Hunter, Deer Dedsley, Leaf Erickson, Tree Brownbark Jr., Tree Brownbark III, Blimpus R. Dirigible, Calamity Gannon, Salamander Cannon, Franz Fanon,

author of The Wretched of the Earth. Sure, sure, yeah, famous sociologist, yeah, revolutionary thinker, yeah, sure. Scratch Rashley, Itchy Bertz, Nut Barber, Bat Masterson, rashly itchy berts nut barber bat masterson dusty six guns chaps wagon i like that you had a real you had a real old west figure followed by a couple of fakie old west figures this provo utah place down dyke g quarterly harper bizarre highlights f children kurt stiffsley stump bordles flarp blimsberg cheese nip snack cracker jonathan leggett Striker to the line, Uncle Murda, Scooter Butts, Richard Dick Buttcheek, Farty Toots Flapjack, Stinkpoo Butthole Diarrhea. That was one name or two names or three names?

Stinkpoo Butthole Diarrhea. Butthole being like a nickname? His given name is Stinkpoo. Stinkpoo. His family name is Diarrhea. Butthole is how he's known on the playground or to his teammates. Because of his surfing. Yeah.

And the family name was Diarrheawitz, but they changed it to sound less Jewish. On Ellis Island. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They wanted to give him a name that everyone can spell. Right, right, right. Do you want me to, I mean, I'm glad to read them again if you need me to read them again.

Part of me wants you to read them again. Sure. That's Gunner Triggs shot hunter dear deadsley leaf erickson tree brown bark jr tree brown bark the third blimpus are dirigible calamity gannon salamander cannon france fanon of, the author of The Wretched of the Earth. That would be their full name. Oh, so that's the, I thought that was a description. That's the name.

Yes. The full name is Franz Fanon. Scratch Rashley. The author of The Wretched of the Earth. Itchy Burtz. Nut Barber. Bat Masterson. Dusty Sixguns.

Chap's Wagon. Provo, Utah. John Downdyke. G. Quarterly, Harper Bazaar, Highlights F Children, Kurt Stiftsley, Stump Bortles, Flarp Blimsburg, Cheese Nip, Snack Cracker, Jonathan Leggett, cracker jonathan leggett striker to the line uncle murder scooter butts richard dick butt cheek farty toots flapjack or stink poo butthole diarrhea elliot the question is to you which of these is a utility player for the tex&M Corpus Christi Islanders baseball team? The first one, which is Gunnar Triggs. Yeah, I'm glad we went through it a second time.

I'm going to say the first one. I'm checking the records here. You, sir, are incorrect. Sorry, Elliot. The question goes now to Jordan Morris. Oh, boy. Jordan, do you need to hear those names one more time, or are you ready? One more time. Yeah, so that's Gunnar. Oh, boy. Blimpus R. Dirigible, Calamity Gannon, Salamander Cannon, Franz Fanon, of course, the author of The Wretched of the Earth from Martinique, Scratch Rashley, Itchy Burtz, Nut Barber, Bat Masterson, Dusty Sixguns, Chaps Wagon, Provo, Utah, John Downdyke, G Quarterly,

Harper Bazaar, Highlights F Children, Kurt Stiftsley, Stump Bortles, Flarp Blimsburg, Cheese Nip Snack Cracker, Jonathan Leggett, Striker to the Line, Uncle Murda, Scooter Butts, Richard Dick Buttcheek, Farty Toots Flapjack, or Stink Poo Butthole Diarrhea. I'm going to say Bat Masterson. Bat Masterson. I'm checking the records here, and you are incorrect. Bummer. I guess we'll never know who is a utility player for the Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders baseball team. Thanks for competing, Elliot and Jordan, and congratulations on losing big time in front of all your friends.

Well, at least we get a copy of the home game, huh? Yeah. I mean, let's say we both lost, so in a way we tied, which means we both won. And I don't know that all my friends listen to Jordan, Jesse, go. They do.

I apologize. Yeah, they do. Most of them certainly. Dan does. Most of them, yeah. Yeah, so they all do. That's all of them. Yeah, all right.

Stuart and I are more work acquaintances, yeah. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know Jordan. Yes, I do. End of segment. Jordan, if you see Jordan, you know Jordan, every episode of Jordan, Jesse Goh is brought to you by the members of MaximumFun.org. I mean, the MaxFunDrive is just over the hill. I can just about

make out its outline through the waves of the heat off of the asphalt. And I'm looking forward to that. We're going to do some fun shit. It's going to be a blast. It's going to be a good time. We've got Cheese Show. That's going to be there, and

who knows what the hell else, you know? One time we bought a boat. Sure. Will we buy a boat again? Almost certainly not. Yeah, I hope not. Remember when we bought the boat? So we bought a boat to record a show on MacArthur Park Lake.

We didn't buy like a yacht. We bought a paddle boat. It was like $200 or $150, something like that. We sent Brian to Orange County to pick it up. And he brought it. We put it in the lake. We recorded a podcast. Turns out it's really hard to podcast and pedal a boat at the same time. And then, so it was real bad, real bad podcast. And then we got back to the shore. And do you remember the moment, Jordan, when we had to reckon with, what do we do with this boat?

Yeah. I just ran away. Jordan just booked it in the opposite direction. I had a car there that I just left. We listed it on Craigslist for free. Somebody came and got it. It was great. Anyway, Max Fun Drive around the corner. And, of the max max fun drive is always the primary supporter of this

program and all the shows at maximum fun but this week we're also supported by our friends at manscaped you know manscaped we like to keep it tight whether it's downtown or around the corner. Where Fudge is made. Where the Fudge is made, yeah. We like to keep it clean and sleek. Sure. We don't buff it up. This isn't a, I was going to say a golf ball, but it's not a bowling ball situation.

This is more like we just keep it neat. And you know what else not just not just down the bottom and around the corner but also up the schnoz and in the air hole sure do you have areas listen if you're listening to this show i know you've got areas and i'm sorry if that's a little bit personal but um i think I'm confident in saying that if you're listening to this show, you have areas. And if those areas have hair, the best tools for the job, the job being taking care of that hair, those tools absolutely come from our sponsors, Manscaped, the global leaders in male grooming from head to toe. It doesn't matter if you're in Dubai. It doesn't matter if you're in Singapore.

It doesn't matter if you're in Cape Town. Across the world, everyone knows Manscaped, the nose-snipping company. Yeah. I mean, listen, when you're getting up there age-wise, hairs start coming out of holes they just do it's it's the reality of the situation we don't mean to scare you but it's just what happens it's natural it's beautiful but it's also fucking gross so yeah here's what you'd want to do snip it down baby if you want to snip it down, head over to Manscaped. What they've got is called the Performance Package. It is the ultimate men's hygiene bundle and number one overall seed this season.

Yeah, that's right. It's March Madness for our nose and ear hair. Can I say, Jordan? Yes. Can I tell you? So this package has the ear and nose hair trimmer, the intimate parts trimmer, and the products to care for, the skincare products for your personal parts. And all these are lovely. Can I tell you what I like about the trimmers?

Please do. Specifically? Waterproof. Yeah, you can use them in the shower. I love to care for myself in the shower in a little something called self-care in many ways whether it you know shaving you'll drink a really nice cup of coffee yeah absolutely single origin yeah uh yeah i also i like to do grooming stuff in the shower and the fact that you can take those manscaped tools into the shower, it's a total game changer.

I love it. If you get that Ultimate Men's Hygiene Bundle, the performance package, you get two free gifts, the Manscaped boxers and the Shed travel bag. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com. 20% off, free shipping at manscaped.com 20% off free shipping at manscaped.com use the code jjgoe when things get hairy make sure to call on manscaped in clutch time

drexel dragons am i right jordan hey speaking of holes i know a cereal with a hole in the middle that I think is delicious. That's right. It is Magic Spoon. If you're trying to cut down on carbs, sugar, unhealthy food, you might think you can't eat any of the good stuff anymore. That is not true. Magic Spoon, it's a great cereal, like the stuff you used to eat when you were a kid. It's got zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and only four net grams of carbs, and only 140 calories in each serving. My favorite one is peanut butter.

Peanut butter is delish. I just polished off the Frosted box. I've been working on Frosted myself. It's very nice. frosted's good uh keto friendly gluten-free grain-free soy-free low-carb and gmo-free uh jesse i got the i i have developed the sweet tooth to end all sweet tooths and uh and uh it's it's really something serious and i'm so glad i got magic spoon in the house because uh if i if in the house because if I'm tempted by those delicious donuts and cakes. Pixie sticks that you keep on hand. Pixie sticks. Yeah, the hard stuff.

Fucking junk. Horse. Pixie sticks. You just bury your face in a sack of brown sugar. Yeah, it's the worst. If it weren't for that Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon really is like what's amazing about it to me is it's it's actually not made with grains so like the cereal and cereal normally is cereal grains magic spoon is made with

milk protein which means uh that it is and i don't know how they make it so it stays crunchy in milk because it totally does uh maybe the milk in the bowl is like, sees the magic spoon and knows that it's been classed up a little. Like it used to be milk, but now it's cereal and they sort of stay away from each other a little. But anyway, it really tastes good. I really, like, I've been really enjoying the frosted. The peanut butter, as I said, was my favorite. My kids liked eating the fruity flavor. My wife liked the cocoa flavor. I mean, I can't eat the chocolate, but my wife can. And that was her favorite.

There's also limited edition flavors, cookies and cream and maple waffle this month. You can build your own box with all of those flavors we mentioned. And if you go to magicspoon.com slash JJGO, you can grab the cookies and cream the maple waffle a custom blend of any cereals you want magic spoon is so confident in their product it's backed by a hundred percent happiness guarantee so if you don't like it for any reason they'll refund your money no questions asked and be sure to use our promo code jj go to check out uh at checkout to save $5 off your order.

Magicspoon.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO to save $5. Great boxes with mazes on the back. They don't have that in the copy. They should. Can I tell you something I like about this? You order your serial mail order from Magicspoon.

Use the code JJGO. Magicspoon.com slash JJGO. In times like these, you don't want to have to take a special trip to the cereal store. No. Save yourself that trip to the cereal-only store. Magicspoon.com slash JJGO, JJGO at checkout.

Thank you, Magic Spoon. You don't want to have to go all the way to the Mall of America to go to the cereal store. A lot of great people have gotten in contact with me to tell me that they have pre-ordered the Bubble graphic novel from their local indie bookshop or comic book shop. And I just wanted to shout out some of those great shops now. Let's hear them, baby. Silver Unicorn Books in West acton massachusetts in general massachusetts fucking destroying this by the way high levels of education in that state powell's

in portland i just want to point out how amazing it is that we've had probably like five people from portland say they've pre-ordered and this is the first one from powell's yeah the literally the most famous bookstore in the united states but it's's there. You can pre-order Bubble from Powell's. Yeah, great bookstore, too. It earns its name. Every time I visit, I'm like, hey, Powell's, way to deliver. Max Back's Books in Cleveland Heights, Ohio. Downbound Books in Cincinnati, Ohio. A couple of Ohio's.

That's nice that people are reserving the book in addition to going to wario's beef and pork yeah uh hunter street books in petersburg ontario analog books in uh left left bridge alberta book culture in new york new york volumes book cafe in chicago little village toy and bookshop in littleton new, New Hampshire. Writer's Block in Las Vegas. Burke's Bookstore in Memphis, Tennessee. Ada's Technical Books in Seattle, Washington. I like that. Yeah, me too. I looked at their website.

They do seem to be mainly for technical books. Yeah, well, you're going to need them. You work up there in Seattle at that Paul Allen Rock and Roll Museum. Pegasus Books in Berkeley, California. Midtown Scholar in Harrisburg, PA. Boulder Bookstore. You guessed it. It's in Boulder, Colorado.

Parnassus in Nashville, Tennessee. I thought it was just a store that sells books about boulders. Nope. Although I'm sure they have some books about boulders but probably a couple probably a couple uh parnassus in nashville books inc in campbell california books are magic from uh brooklyn okay tubby and cocos from new orleans yeah let's be clear that's a bar yeah it's got 100 that's probably at least get a hurricane to go at tubby and cuckoos oh excuse me tubby and coos tubby and coos i said that wrong

it's still can i can i clarify what i said yeah that's still a bar yeah tubby and coos in new orleans uh monroe's books in victoria bc City Comets in Schenectady, New York, and The Escapist in Berkeley. Great shops all. And thank you, everybody, who's doing this. It's really awesome. It's great that you're supporting Bubble, and it's great that you're supporting your local indie bookshop.

Can I say something? You may. A lot of people, there's a lot of people out there who are probably on the book-based social media website Goodreads. You know this website, right, Jordan? It's like where you go to object to there being children's books about gender identity. That's just my experience with it.

I would know, but sure, that sounds correct. Yeah. But no, Goodreads is a great place to find out about what books you like. And one of the ways that they figure out what books to highlight on Goodreads or recommend to people on Goodreads is before a book comes out, there's a button you can click that's called like, I want to read that, or I'm looking, what is it called again? Yeah, it just says want to read. I actually just started using Goodreads myself. I'm on there if you want to read that, or I'm looking... What is it called again? Yeah, it just says want to read. I actually just started using Goodreads myself.

I'm on there if you want to follow me. I'm going to be trying to talk a little bit more about books I'm reading. Yeah, that's actually a big deal. Goodreads is a popular site. I would wager that we have some Goodreads power users in the audience. Yeah, I think that seems fair. You know how there's Yelp elite people? I bet we have whatever the Goodreads version of that is listening. Yeah, I think that seems fair. You know how there's Yelp elite people? I bet we have whatever the Goodreads version of that is listening. Yeah, just don't just go on there and

say Bubble doesn't have enough parking spots. Yeah, that's a big problem on Yelp. Yeah, so go and find Bubble, click on I want to read that. And I'm going to tell I'm going to tell the truth here, Jordan. I think a lot of our listeners are looking forward to reading Bubble, but you don't have to actually be looking. You might don't have to actually want to read Bubble to click on that goddamn button. Just do it for us. Do the click. Listen, you should read it. Just do the fucking click.

It's really good. We worked hard. But, yeah, if you're not going to buy the thing, at least click the fucking want to read. How hard is it? It's not hard. It's not. Click, click, click, click, click. You got a machine right there next to your computer that's just for clicking.

Yeah. Listen, you're clicking all day on pornographic videos. Yeah, quit clicking on porno vids. Yeah. And click on the want to read button on Bubble. And you know what? How about this? Why not click on both?

Find you a click that can do both. Sure, yes. There's a way to double click once on want to read on Goodreads for Bubble and then once on, yeah, hot stepmom gets more than she bargained for. Where is she bargaining? At an outdoor bazaar of some kind? Yeah. But I want to read bubbles, she says.

You can't. I just sell baskets, ma'am. she says you can't i just sell baskets ma'am you'll have to you'll have to go to tubby and coos in new orleans we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, little fun, Jordan. Yeah. Hey, Elliot, thanks for curing my bloody stool. As advertised, good for what ails you. We should point out, now I know on Zoom the physical comedy that's happening. Elliot did some finger guns while he did that. Really added a lot. Really juiced it.

He gave us a take as well. I mean, a really solid face take. Yeah. That's a Matthew Perry level take. Oh, if only. If only I could get to that level. That's the dream. Oh, man.

I should be rushing in. Not that fool. Me, the fool that rushes in. Whoa. Good Matthew Perry's movie career pull. I remember. Now you're Matt LeBlanc. Okay, I should be Ed. Actually, he's not Ed. Ed is the chimp that Matt LeBlanc I should be Ed

Actually he's not Ed Ed is the chimp That Matt LeBlanc Is what I think it's an orangutan Isn't it I mean We'll let philosophers

Debate that For centuries Yes Yes There's a scene Oh wait Is the orangutan The one that

Jason Alexander Is friends with That's Dunstan From Dunstan Checks In. That's a gorilla. Okay. So what's an orangutan then? An orangutan is like more orangey

and has a real wide face. No, I know what it is, but what movie is about an orangutan? I mean, there's an orangutan in the new Planet of the Apes movies. All I got here is every which way but loose. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Philo Badeau, played by Clint Eastwood, is an easygoing trucker and a great fist fighter.

This is the orangutan movie? They roam... What? Hold on. Hold on. Jesse, Jesse, what's a movie? What are you talking about? Jordan, with two friends, Orville, who promotes prize fights for him, and Clyde, the orangutan he won on a bet, he roams the San Fernando Valley in search of cold beer, country music, and the occasional punch-up? Elliot, you must have seen this movie, right? I've actually only seen the second one, Any Which Way You Can, or Every Which Way You Can. There's a scene in that movie that made me—it was like the entire movie of Sucker Punch in two shots, which is Clint Eastwood is having a punch-up with somebody, and there's a very busty woman in the background. with somebody and there's a very busty woman in the background and of course being who i am uh on a on a lizard level i was like oh i wish i could see her boobs closer and the camera zooms in on her boobs and i was like never have i gotten what i wanted for a movie and felt so disgusting

afterwards like that the movie that the filmmaker you have to imagine was like i don't know if it's hal needham i think or somebody whoever's directing, was nudging the camera and being like, zoom in, zoom in, trust me. This is making the final cut. Zoom in on those. Zoom in. We're going to give young Elliot a sexual complex that he'll deal with for the rest of his life.

We're going to make Elliot think that his sexual whims control film right in front of his eyes. It's going to be hilarious. I recommend Every Which Way But Loose, which not only co-stars Beverly D'Angelo, but also Ruth Gordon. Now there's some knockers I'd love to zoom into.

Yeah, I think this is for Elliot, for you. We had a little run a couple episodes ago reading off Burt Reynolds' weird long filmography. Oh, yeah. You know, there's the ones you've heard of, and then there are 40 more. And to be clear, I was, like, a lot of people thought that I was reading

from, like, the plot descriptions or something like that. I was reading directly from the posters. Like, all Burt Reynolds movies had the plot of the movie written on the poster. Oh, yeah, a Burt Reynolds poster is like the back of movie written on the poster. Oh, yeah. A Burt Reynolds poster is like the back of a paperback. It's going to tell you the whole summary.

Completely. Now, by Burt Reynolds movies that I've heard of, you're talking about like Without a Paddle, that kind of stuff, right? Gator. Yeah. Mostly just Gator. Gator, Hooper, Booper. That's not fighting Gator and Gator.

Yeah. Puker. Floober. Groomer Cucumber Yeah Casper That's the money where he has a mattress Pops right out of the box

A lot of people think it's the one where he's a friendly ghost But it's the one where he's a mattress He's a very unfriendly ghost Reportedly a very unfriendly ghost Now guys on Jordan Jesse Go We have a lot of new segments, we have a lot of new segments that we do a lot of work to create. It's not just old chestnuts, like which one of these guys is a utility player on the Texas A&M Corpus Christi baseball team. There's also new segments that you call into that we haven't even introduced yet.

So let's take our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Dave Gabori. This is Colleen calling from Columbus, Ohio. No, I haven't been to Wario's Beef and Pork, so don't even ask. I'm calling in for your segment, Stank in the Wild. My husband and I were driving down the street, and we saw a personalized license plate that said, Mom Stank. Now, I think that this person meant for space,

maybe between the S and the T s and the t as in mom's tank it was a rather large vehicle but it just really looks like mom stank and i've been wondering ever since is there a worse stank than a mom stank okay love you love you guys. Brian, Sunny D, miss your laugh. Love you too. God, I love this mom stank license plate. I got to see if this is registered in California so that I can get it for my wife for Christmas. What I like about it is it also doubles

as the first line of a touching one-man show. Just like silence, the performer, the monologuist walks out, a single spot hits them. He just looks at them and goes, mom stank. Mom stank bad. You know, I remember it just like it was yesterday. Honey, what's wrong? You barely touched dinner. What's happening?

Mom, I can't with the stink. It's too much. I know it's because I work at the pork rendering plant it's what i've got to do to pay for your college mom i'm never getting into college go to your room and then blackout and then the next he's playing another neighborhood mom goes to her room it's amazing that this is a one-person show because there's so much like-and-forth dialogue. It's pretty clear who's talking. Elliot's switching the goddamn hats,

Jordan. When I'm doing the show, this is my show, you can see also one half of my face is the mom and one half is the young me. I turn the right side to the audience. That's a fun little piece of stagecraft. You know what I like about this new segment that we created for the show Stank in the Wild? I like that this example is both wild and domestic stank.

That's true. You're right. Yeah. I mean, humans are encroaching onto our wild spaces more than ever. So this is a pointed commentary about the erosion of our natural parks. Yeah. We have one more new segment for you this week. So let's take a listen to this call. Hi there, Jordan and Jesse Goh.

This is Jackson calling in with the famous segment Boring Historical Plaques. I just was driving down to Stillwater, Minnesota. Saw a plaque. Decided to stop and look at it. And the plaque is there to commemorate a previous plaque that I guess was torn down or something. The plaque is there to remind us that this is

where the original plaque once stood for like a logging operation or something. bye man uh i really thought it would be it would be tough to have a boring historical plaque those things are riveting they tell they tell the tale of our nation and its history um but this one is a pretty boring plaque, the only more boring plaque that I could think of than a plaque that commemorates a previously erected plaque is a plaque that commemorates plaque. Right.

The buildup, the buildup that happens on teeth. Yeah, the buildup on our teeth if you don't floss or brush a couple times. Now, I would say, I would postulate that there are no boring historical plaques. And I would say this one is also not boring because it raises a mystery all right yeah that's true i know you got this off the dome listen if you have friends cast members post friends movies off the dome you gotta have a top three plaques go let's hear them what are they i mean for real or are they like funny ones or real elliot's real top three plaques i'll tell you top three plaques and i'll tell you the building that

should have a plaque on it but does not have a plaque on it and it is an outrage that does not have a plaque on it yeah but one saw a plaque that was answer a question i didn't ask yes i once saw a plaque commemorating a guy who delivered medicine in the snow in the 19th century just one time he did it. But apparently he did it so erotically they put up a plaque for him. I thought that was really fantastic. There was a plaque on a house in Springfield, Illinois. Oh, no, sorry, not Springfield, Illinois. Sorry, in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, where Abraham Lincoln may have sat and written part of the Gettysburg Address.

They don't know for sure. But the plaque was very open about the fact that they did not know for sure if he worked on the Gettysburg Address and that at all. Yeah, the only thing they were 100% on was that they had made a plaque. Yes, yeah, exactly. And what would I say is my third favorite plaque?

There's so many that I like. Let's see. It could be a top four. I think, let me, I'll. Do you want to phone a friend? No, no, you know what? Dan, specifically. This is kind of not,

this is not what you'd normally call a plaque. This is more of a commemorative freeze. But in the cafe area of my first dorm at NYU, University Hall, there was a commemorative freeze to the famous German restaurant, Lou Chow's, which once stood at that spot. And so I was like, you know what, I like that this is commemorating, not something that is like, you know, so historical, like a famous politician or something, but a famous, what was once a New York landmark restaurant, the famous Lou Chow's, a restaurant so famous, Fred Astaire in his memoir mentions eating

there as a child. And it's like, Fred Astaire, you did so much famous stuff in your life. You don't have to mention you ate at this restaurant nobody remembers anymore. But it was apparently well-known enough to him that he had to. So those are my three favorite real plaques. Now, I'm telling you, the building that needs to have a plaque, and if they've added it in the past few years, I apologize. But I don't think they have. It's Elliot's spectacular uninsulated garage.

Anyway, so it says here in this spot, Elliot was on Jordan, Jesse, go receiving a certain amount of ribbing that was not totally deserved over the state of his garage. Considering he had only moved into the house less than two years before. There's a house in the... And he defended himself ably, but somewhat echoingly. There's a house in Manhattan that I'm trying to remember

if it's in the 30s or the 20s, where Chester A. Arthur was literally sworn in as President of the United States. It's the same building where the famous Spice Store Sahadi's is located. I think it is. I think it's Sahadi's is there. And when he heard the news that James A. Garfield had finally succumbed to the assassin's bullet and then repeated infectious finger probings of his

doctor over the several months since that bullet lodged itself near his spine, that's the building where Chester Arthur was sworn in as president. And as far as I know, the last time I walked by it, there was no plaque commemorating that event. It looked just like any other building. And it's like, how many buildings in New York were presidents sworn in at? Meanwhile, over downtown near Wall Street, you got a statue of George Washington being sworn in as president. It's like, yeah, we get it.

He was president. What about Chet Arthur? Come on, man. I know he's got his statue over in Madison Square Park, but that's not enough. Chet Arthur is a much more important president. Yeah, very much. Well, if you talk about the civil service, then he is, yes, thanks to the Pendleton Act, which he pushed for and signed. But anyway, Jordan, what were you going to say?

I was at that building actually kind of recently, and not only is there no plaque, but it's just a Jersey Mike's now. Oh, even worse. Although, I mean, Chester Aester Arthur did love hoagies. He did. He had drenched in olive oil. He famously said, I don't know if this is apocryphal. Elliot, you're quite the presidential scholar. Maybe you know. I will say, I have read every book written on Chester Arthur. There are, I think, five of them. Yeah. So what I heard he said was, I'm glad to be sworn in as president here in New York, but I wish I was in New Jersey so I could get one of their famous olive oil drenched hoagies. He did say that, but people thought maybe it was just nerves talking because he was holding one of those hoagies. He did say that, but people thought maybe it was just nerves talking, because he was holding

one of those hoagies at the time. And he was drenched in olive oil. And the Bible, the real Bible that Thomas Jefferson used is now drenched in olive oil, because that's the one that he used to swear in on. And it's just double history. Double history that it belonged to Thomas Jefferson, then was drenched by the olive oil from Chester A. Arthur's jersey, Mike's hoagie. Give me the Bible and give it to me Mike's way, they say. It's just oily. If you have a segment for Jordan Jesse Go, give us a call 206-984-4FUN

or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. go at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, I'm Janet Varney, host of the JV Club podcast. Ah, high school. Was it a time of adventure, romance, and discovery? Class of 95, we did it! Or a time of angst, disappointment, and confusion. We're all tied together by four years of trauma at this place, but enjoy adulthood, I guess.

The truth is, it was both. So join me on the JV Club podcast where I invite some great friends like Kristen Bell, Angela Kinsey, Oscar Nunez, Neil Patrick Harris, and Keegan-Michael Key to talk about high school, the good, the bad, and everything in between. My teenage mood swings are getting harder to manage. The JV Club, find it on Maximum Fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi. Are you someone who thinks that when one door closes,

another one opens? Someone who always sees the light at the end of the tunnel. If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, good for you. We are not those people. Nope. I'm Annabelle Gurwitch, and I'm a, you know that other door opening, it probably leads to a broom closet kind of person. And I'm Laura House. When I see a light at the end of a tunnel, I assume it's a train headed right toward me.

Laura and I have created a brand new podcast for people like us. It's called Tiny Victories. We're sharing personal tiny victories or things we've read or seen that inspire resilience. So if you're looking for a tiny reason to get out of bed each week, subscribe to Tiny Victories. Available on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's get tiny. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elliot Kalin, try it. Why not? When something momentous happens to you, like someone hands you a delicious olive oil drenched Jersey Mike's hoagie, give us a call 206-984-4FUN. Or I guess if you're, you know, finally sworn in as president because the president has succumbed to the assassin's bullet and the numerous infectious finger probings of his doctor. I mean, I've got to assume that's less likely now. Doctors tend to use their uncovered, unwashed fingers less often to probe bullet wounds in presidents than they once did. Well, the last time I got shot, granted, Elliot, I'm no president. Elliot, I'm no president. But the last time I had a bullet lodged near my spine, the probings were incessant.

probings were incessant. Just some really extraordinary... They'd be like, well, it's 11 o'clock, gotta probe. And I'd be like, you just probed at 8.30. You know what I mean? And he's like, well, I've been out in the garden, you know, digging up the radishes. Right.

I was just separating my recyclables and gloveless, and I thought I'd probe your wound. Just drenching some sandwiches in oil. I just finished my shift over at Jersey Mike's. It's weird that they only hire medical doctors for that job. Like why are the, why are the doctors taking it? At Subway they're sandwich artists and at Jersey Mike's they're lunch doctors.

Yeah. They want to make sure that there's actual degrees to back it up. Yeah. And residencies. I mean, not just the degree, you know, the whole nine yards. Yeah. And Quiznos, all convicted gangsters. Oh, wow.

Actually have to be made men. Is that why they're always saying, here's your sandwich, see? actually have to be made men. Is that why they're always saying, here's your sandwich, see? When something momentous happens to you, like you finally finish your residency and get that MD and go to work at Jersey Mike's, give us a call 206-984-4FUN

or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org, just as has done this very person now. Hey, I'm Jesse Angust. It is currently 11.30 at night, and I just turned in the final manuscript for my first published novel. It is the first in the series that is half fantasy adventure, half kinky gay erotica about a human being captured by and then falling in love with an orc.

And I couldn't be prouder. I'm releasing the second one later this year, and I'm just so excited for people to start reading them. Love you guys. Get dressed every day. Yeah, this is fantastic. I'm really happy that Dr. Seuss got canceled because it really opens up some new lanes in the publishing industry.

And representation matters. I mean, if you're a kidnapping gay orc, you should be able to see yourself in America's novels. A kinky one. Specifically a kinky one. God, I love this. I want to read this book so bad. I'm sick of these vanilla orcs. Turn off the lights when we do it.

Yeah. Missionary again? I don't do oral. Guys, I don't know if you know the answer to this question. Maybe I'm just pissing in the wind here. But what kind of dick does an orc have? Boy, that's an excellent question.

I would guess honkin'. Yeah. That's my first guess. They're beefy critters. Yeah. I've seen enough Lord of the Rings movies to know that these are some beefy boys. I would wager that under the loincloth or beneath the armor. To be clear, this would be one of those wagers you do at that fancy British Barclays or whatever,

where you can bet on, you know, you can get insurance on Tina Turner's legs and stuff. Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, Lloyd's of London. Yeah, it's the Lloyd's of London. Guess how big an orc's dick is. Sure. London, yes. Yes, it's the Lloyd's of London. Yes, for you. Guess how big an orc's dick is. Sure. Right, mate. You say it's a chunker then.

The thing is, you've got to establish in the bet whether you are talking about erect, flaccid, or half erect. And you've got to talk about whether it's orcum-sized or non-orcum-sized. That's the thing oh man what about golem's dick what's going on down there man that's got to be a weird little monster doesn't it i'm imagining sort of a brown banana slug yeah i mean like a wiggler sort of a brown banana slug Yeah Like a wiggler, sort of a wiggler I imagine him having a wiggly dick

Wiggly like he shakes it around a lot? No, it kind of undulates That's what I'm imagining Oh, I see Like a curvy earthworm I imagine it's kind of like One of those party favors Where you blow it into it and it goes, and uncoils and then coils back up again.

Yeah, that's what Gollum's dick is like. Yeah. And those elf dicks, they're just beautiful. Oh, gorgeous. Oh, so elegant. Gorgeous, yeah. And a really perfect sort of upward curve on an elf dick, I think. Not so much curve that it looks weird.

Like, it's not like an elephant trunk, but just enough curve that you're like, if this was a straight line, it'd be strange. No, like a scimitar. Yes, yeah, yeah. Perfect. The perfect sword. The sexiest of the swords.

Is this a new segment on the show, Tolkien dicks? No, it's Tolkien Dicks. Yeah, yeah. That's what we're talking about, Dicks. We're talking about Tolkien. Yeah, okay. It's called J.R.R. Porkin.

What are we talking about with the denizens of Middle-Earth or Paken? Hey, everybody. Welcome to J.R.R. Porkin. Today we're talking about the Balrog. Interesting. You shall pass, sir. Let's talk about the furriest dicks in Middle Earth. That's right.

It's hobbit time. Time for second breakfast. I'm just saying, you reach a certain age, you gotta scour your shire. That's just the way it goes. Yeah, you gotta. My only disappointment here is that we did not get a plug for this novel, because I would have already... I mean, we've been talking a lot about placing pre-orders for the bubble graphic novel, and we're proud of everybody that's called up or visited their local independent bookstore and ordered jordan's uh upcoming graphic novel but um i think

this is something that we should be plugging i mean it just feels like what we do here yeah i'm prepared to throw a little bit of shine on this so and you know and like obviously you know there's some questionable behavior going on like calling and using our you know immense immense audience to you know plug your project but uh but yeah i mean i think we can do for this book what we've done for Wario's Beef and Pork, which is skyrocket it to national prominence. Sure. So, yes, I think I know where you're going with this, Jesse. I think if the author is listening, let's get a follow-up call.

Let's get a title. Let's get a release date. And yeah, and maybe we can get him on to read a passage at some point jordan i don't think it was just us rocketing wario's beef and pork to national prominence do you follow uh alexandra ocasio-cortez on twitter because the other day here for her among us content yeah the other day the other day she tweeted i say she i guess it could have been her press secretary or something but the other day she tweeted that uh wario sauce is jizz well i mean hey listen i'm uh i'm i can admit when i'm wrong i'm not too big to

admit when i'm wrong yeah except down there she, she replied, tweeted to herself and said, uh, sauce is a jizz word. Well, I mean, listen, I'm not, I'm not about to,

I'm, hey, listen, it's, I guess you guys, I guess it's jizz. There, I'm,

uh, I'm joining the group. Elliot, did you know that sauce is a jizz word? I mean, there's part of me that never didn't know it. There's, the, that sauce is a jizz word? I mean, there's part of me that never didn't know it. That kernel of knowledge is born into each human.

We all fear snakes and we all know that sauce is a jizz word. Let's take one more momentous occasion call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests this is elizabeth calling from oregon with a momentous occasion um i haven't uh called you guys in a very long time but this is like an old school uh early days jj go momentous occasion which is that my family just got a pair of donks. And I met them for the first time last night, and I'm standing with them right now.

Their names are Annie and Allie. They're beautiful adult donks. They're best friends. And I'm really excited that they're part of my life now. So this is my most occasion donks 2021. I'm so happy. They're so beautiful. I wish I could send a photo through the phone.

They have the most gorgeous, long, soft ears and the softest little snouts and they lick you with their tongues and it's very gentle and rubbery and they come up behind you if you're not paying attention to them and nudge you with their heads

so that you will turn and stroke their gorgeous necks and they're just perfect i'm so excited i'm so happy my momentous occasion donks love you guys bye i just want them to know that i love them that's too bad there's no way to send a photo through a phone yeah i had the same thought it's just it's too bad that can never happen it won't happen maybe in the far off world of the future yeah we're food is pills and uh we're all playing golf on the moon uh zeke north uh send the donkey picture on the astro astro scanner over to the mars base yes master I am your robot slave. It's just too bad Donks went extinct all those centuries ago. What a twist.

Curse this horrible future we live in. And that's this week's episode of Perversions of Science on HBO. Thanks, everybody. Stay tuned for a new episode of Alan versus Pharaoh. Stay tuned for a new episode of Alan versus Pharaoh. Do you guys love Zeke Norf or do you guys love Zeke Norf? You know what I mean? That guy.

He's just a cool guy. Fucking guy. It's one of the funniest robot slaves I've ever met in my life. You know what I mean? It's like that guy's always got a zinger, that guy's always got a line, and if it's not a zinger or a line, of course, it's a pratfall. And if it's not that, it's a spanner, whatever that is. Yeah. He reminds me of the greatest character in all of storytelling, C-3PO.

That's right, Jesse, I'm starting a beef with a former guest. Ooh, Elliot Kalin coming in with a heat, famously on Jordan Jesse Go. Someone did hate C-3PO, right? Yeah, it's our friend Tom Sharpling from The Best Show among other podcasts came in

here with I'm going to say a stunningly coherent argument against C-3PO, who he called not only bad, not only a detriment to the Star Wars franchise, but the worst character in all fiction. And he was just going down the checklist of why he didn't like it, and I was just listening going, yep, love it, yes, why I like him, perfect. Sharpling's like, he's always complaining and he always gets in the way, he never helps. I was like, yes, exactly, just what I want out of him. Perfect. Sharp thing's like, he's always complaining, and he always gets in the way. He never helps. I was like, yes, exactly.

Just what I want out of him. Elliot, does someone jump to mind as the worst character in Star Wars to you? Who would you put in that slot? Well, it's hard for me to say this, but probably the worst character would be—and I just hate to say this because I don't want to be seen as racist. But that little furry guy who goes, ah, in the Jedi Rock segment that they added into Return of the Jedi Special Edition. Oh, yeah. They took a perfectly good dance number, Lefty Neck by Psy's Noodles

and the Max Rebo Band and instead replaced it with this horrible song that's kind of like a fake space blues thing. And Psy's Noodles, the star of the show as far as I'm concerned, gets pushed out of the way for this little hairy guy that just kind of yells into the camera.

So that right there, worst character in Star Wars right there, I that right there, worst character in Star Wars, right there, I think. Okay, best song in Star Wars. Well, the best song in Star Wars is obviously the Cantina Band song. Come on, guys, I'm not even gonna make a joke. That's the best song in everything. That's like, I could make a joke

and say something obscure. What about Love Nub or whatever it's called? What about this fucking Ewok song? This shit rules. It is underrated, Yub Nub, the Ewok song? This shit rules. It is underrated, Yub Nub, the Ewok song. I like the way it builds. But the Cantina Band song,

I can't listen to it without dancing and getting a drink with my favorite alien cohorts. You know, Maumonde Don, Snaggletooth, all my favorites, you know? God, I love Maumonde Don. One of my fucking faves, too.

You know who I think the worst character in Star Wars is? Who's that? Luke Skywalker. Whoa. That's my hot take. I mean, I like the part where he gets the purple milk out of that space walrus. Oh, that was great. I mean, you can't talk about that character

since Dr. Seuss has been canceled. But anyway, that kind of shore-living space cow is very much a Seussian character. But actually, now that I think about it, maybe Lord Snoke. Maybe that's my least favorite. The villain from the first two of the newer Star Wars movies where they were like... Not a Sno Star Wars movies, where they were like,

Not a Snoke fan. Yeah, they're like, what if the Emperor was thinner? I'm like, doesn't do it for me. I like my curvy Emperor. They're like, sorry. Sure, real Emperors have curves. 206-984-4FUN,

JJGO at Maxim maximumfun.org. If you want to send us a voice memo, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elliot Kalin, 75% off at participating retailers. Wow. That's even better than half-priced books. Yeah, sales have not been good.

Speaking of, guys, has this ever happened to you? Sorry to derail the conversation again. You go into a used bookstore. Elliot, we brought you into this program to rail all our conversations. I apologize. You go into a used bookstore. You're like, there's some cool books on here. Let me look at the price that is written in pencil on the front page, as is the code for all used bookstores. And you go, whoa, this is the price of a new book. Hold on a second. I feel like there should be a tacit agreement between you and any used bookstore owner that you are going to get a deal on a book that is not a historical artifact of some kind. And yet just yesterday I was in a used bookstore and I was flabbergasted at the normal retail price of these books.

What are you doing? They just write over the price on the back in pencil and add a dash. It's a dash. It's a dash. We added a dash. Elliot here giving a shout out to Red Books in Eagle Rock. No, no. I'm talking about a different Atwater-based bookstore. Oh, well, then positive shout out to Red Books in Eagle Rock.

There's a nice bookstore. Oh, that's a great store. I bet they would order Bubble. I mean, it's a used bookstore, but they probably got connections. There's probably a guy on Craigslist. Yeah, totally. Got a big pile of them under his koalas. Sure.

No, Red Books I go into and I'm like, let me take a look at the price of this book. Hey, this is less than I would pay for a new book. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take it. Are the pages a little bit yellow? Did someone underline something in here and then right next to it, the problem I'm having? I'll never know exactly what they were referring to. Will this fix my marriage?

I don't know. I don't know. We should explain that Elliot really only goes to the used bookstore to check out advice books about ED. You don't want to pay full price for those things. No, because they don't work. That's the thing. You buy them knowing it's not going to work, so why pay full price? Yeah, you can't jack off to them or anything.

Nothing. There's a book that's called Curing Your ED, and you open it, and the front page is just a photo of a naked person, and it just says, did this do it? What about this? Turn the page. This one? Does this do it for you?

Well, what are you into? Well, I don't know if I can help you. You've got to help me on this one. I can't just keep showing you random images. I'm a book. I once got a call. When I lived in New York City, I used to be a theater goer. Yeah. And I got a call from, I think it was the Lincoln Center, their play theater.

Their regular stage play is not opera or ballet or anything. Yeah. You got a call from, we get it, you got a call from Wynton Marsalis. Yeah, it was Wynton Marsalis saying, hey, Elliot, do you want to buy subscription tickets? And I was like, Hey, we get it. You got a call from Witten Marsalis. Yeah. It was Witten Marsalis saying, Hey Elliot, do you want to buy subscription tickets? And I was like, well,

I don't know. And he's like, well, how much would you want to pay for subscription? And I was like, I don't know. And the guy said, Hey,

well, I can't help you unless you help me. And I went, you called me. And it was in that moment, the guy realized he had crossed a line and he was like, sorry, sorry.

Uh, Gamelons, we have gamelons it was when marcellus he called you elliot and he said how many people do you think should be in a jazz band is it 55 a little winton marcellus humor for the listeners at home uh Elliot Kalin one of the co-hosts of the Flophouse one of my favorite podcasts Jordan I know it's one of your favorite podcasts as well love it love it when Glenn Weldon's on love it when he's not on yeah that's how good it is that's how I'll listen to anything glenn weldon shout out to glenn weldon by the way the other day i texted glenn weldon i said what's a good batman and he said get batman 66 your son oscar's gonna love this thing guess what my son oscar loves batman 66 yeah you nailed it it's a lot of fun daddy enjoys it too he it's a lot of fun. Daddy enjoys it, too. He's got a lot of zip to him. That's a creepy way to put it.

Have either of you watched the Adam West Batman movie with your kids, or any of the TV show? I have. It's very boring, but a lot of things that I liked happened in it. A lot of parts where Adam West wanders around and says something in a funny Adam West voice. where adam west wanders around and says something in a funny adam west voice like the extent of adam west's actual genuine on purpose funniness in the batman tv show and movie uh basically cannot be overstated like he is so spectacular he's carrying the whole show on his weird talking shoulders. His weird talking, not particularly broad shoulders. That's why the story that I love about the Adam West's Batman TV show, which is like, it's one of those shows that I don't know how for decades it seems like people didn't realize the show was in on the joke.

Like you would see stuff about it describing it as if it was, like, a dumb show, and it's clearly, like, this is a comedy show. But that, because Adam West's Batman was supposed to be in, like, his 20s, but Adam West was clearly not in his 20s, that they would hire old, you know, middle-aged men or older to be the henchmen, so

that it would look like he was a young man fighting like, guys in their 50s. So all those henchmen are, like, 55? You see him fighting a lot of henchmen with white hair. Guys who are not in good shape. And you're like, this really isn't that much of a fight. Like 55-year-old guys who are crammed into little sailor suits. Whatever Penguin has them dressing like.

Poor Starbirdboard get him my son was so excited to watch that batman movie and uh like i remembered loving it as a child etc etc etc it is very boring and i i still enjoyed it like i want to be clear i did still enjoy it because there's that part where he's looking for somewhere to throw away the bomb that's really funny and then a bunch of nuns are wandering around on the wharf uh that's a lot of fun uh but man is that a slow moving movie okay well we've covered that topic uh elliot calen co-host of the flop house uh i recommend that you uh check that out. You don't only have to listen to the Glenn Weldon episode,

but you probably should listen to the Glenn Weldon episode because there's no greater expert on Batman, especially campy Batman. Yeah, I mean, we don't talk about Batman in that episode. It's actually about the movie Supergirl, so we talk more about Superman in it than Batman. But I think Batman gets mentioned once or twice and I and uh someone reminded me on Twitter that I postulated a theory in it that I stand by

that DC comics traditionally are for children and Marvel comics at least since the 60s are traditionally for children who are old enough to feel ashamed of masturbating that's the difference between their storytelling techniques and their tones. That explains Venom. Yeah, definitely. This Venom has been, lubricant is the wrong word, but he has really built, like, he has eased the relationship between me and my nephew, who is about five years old. Yeah, lubricant is 100% the wrong word there. The wrong word. But it's really, he lives in london and has taken to texting me

videos where he asked me questions about venom and it's really helped us build i haven't been able to build too much relationship with him because he lives in another country but now we have a bond over which is venom and how fit how different superheroes got their clothes are mainly the questions that he asks how is this is this related to my daughter texting you videos where she asks you questions about Kaiju? It's very similar. How many children are you answering video text messages to? Also, how is it that you're sending pictures through a phone?

I got a phone from the future. Right now I'm only... Whoa. Right now I'm only texting junk pop culture explanations to two children. Okay. But I'm hoping to go nationwide

in 2022. Perfect. Like that public television show that you call into to get homework help? Yeah, exactly. Only it's about lesser characters who fight Spider-Man.

Lesser? Okay, well, we don't need to get into that. Okay, all right. Okay, that's a whole other podcast. Yeah. Hey, now that we're talking comic books, Elliot, I really enjoyed issue one of Maniac of New York, the comic book of yours that is on stands now. Thank you very much.

For those who are not aware, Maniac of New York is from Aftershock Comics. It is an idea that I brought to them, and they matched me up with the great Andrea Muti, who is a fantastic comic book artist. And the story is basically, if I was going to boil it down into a nutshell, and then serve that nutshell to you as kind of an amuse-bouche before a larger meal, which would be the series itself. The series itself is in the form of a foam, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's very hard to chew. There's no texture to it. The series is kind of like if The Wire, instead of being in Baltimore and being about drugs, was set in New York and was about a sort of Jason Friday the 13th type slasher killer. And I'm playing in it with all the ideas that I had over the years

for a better version of Jason Takes Manhattan. But it's kind of about how a crisis comes to pass in a city where you cannot totally ignore the problem, but you can do your best to ignore it, and life warps its way around it in some ways and in other ways stays totally normal uh and the second issue uh will be on stands uh this as we're recording this on a sunday but it's going to be on stands this wednesday march 10th the first issue sold out and uh the second printing of that just came out last week so if you missed the first issue it's back on stands the second printing the second issue is going to be out. And it's a combination of kind of a little bit of satire and a little bit of horror. And as you'll see, some balls-to-the-wall action is coming up in comic book form.

But it's a – you know, it's just an escapist thing about how a problem that's killing people can be ignored by the government until it becomes the new way that people just live. So if you ever feel like checking your brain at the door, Maniac of New York. Sounds crazy. I don't know if you saw this, Maniac of New York issue one got an unsolicited endorsement from comic book reading celebrity Patton Oswalt. Wow, that's great. I was very excited about that. On Twitter, he just started talking about how much he liked it, and it was totally unsolicited. I mean, when you're talking... There's a lot of things, but when you're talking

comic books, there's got to be an Oswalt bump, right? I would think so. I would think so, for sure. At least in Columbus, Ohio, bare minimum. Elliot, you mentioned that you originally wrote this as kind of like your version of Jason Takes Manhattan. I have a pitch that maybe you could bring to your publisher if they were interested.

Because I actually have a pitch based around the very same idea. Better my take slash my take on Jason Takes Manhattan. My idea is there's a talking frog. takes Manhattan. My idea is there's a talking frog. He's friends with a bear comedian, and he has a sort of on-again, off-again girlfriend who's a glamorous pig. And they and their various puppet friends head to New York City to put on a Broadway show. Okay. What do you think of this idea? What I like about it is... And they meet a hot waitress who doesn't work much afterwards. I looked it up on IMDb. The waitress or the actress playing the waitress?

This is a comic book pitch, Elliot. There's no actress in comic book. I'm sorry, I forgot this is a comic book pitch. Oh, right, right. Is there any way that it could end with you seeing their Broadway show and being like, oh no, this does not deserve to be

on Broadway. This does not reach the bearer. This is off-Broadway at best. At best. They should have stuck it. This is a black box at the public. Perhaps this passed muster at their college. But on the Great White Way, I'm sorry,

this isn't even glory days left. This is in desperate need of dramaturgy. But yeah, I love the idea. What would you call it? What would you call this story?

Probably Morpits Take Manhattan. The characters collectively are called the Morpits. The Morpits. Yeah. Okay, sure. Because they're always there. They're half puppet, half Morpits. The Morpits. Okay, sure. Because they're always there.

They're half puppet, half Morp. There's Cromit, Miss Wiggy. Now, I have to ask, this might be the wrong way to go about this, but what do you think a Morp is packing under that one clock? What do you think? Oh, it's got to be an orc-sized big boy, right?

These Morps are tronking. Yeah. Okay, Elliot Kalin's been our guest. Go get Maniac of New York. Listen to The Flophouse. Don't be a turkey. Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sunny D, is the producer of the program. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and our friends at Light in the Attic Records.

By the way, wonderful record label in general. Really marvelous re-releases there on Light in the Attic. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Facebook at Facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. You can find us on Instagram at JordanDavidMorris and at Put.This.On. We will talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. On Jordan, Jesse, go.