Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 681: Have a Ghost Summer with Kevin T. Porter

Episode Date: April 18, 2021

Kevin T. Porter (Good Christian Fun podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's big move to Pasadena and the recommendations Kevin has from living there for years, the themed parties Kevin has thrown to entice people to hang out on his side of town, and Jordan's newfound love for breakfast burritos. Tell us the secrets you thought you would take to your grave! Call us at 206-984-4FUN or email a voice memo to [e-mail]!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. How you doing, buddy? Doing okay. I've been folding banker's boxes all day. Oh, wow. You doing some filing? Well, I'm doing some firing firing i'm firing a lot of people

and i'm yeah well i'm doing some firing i'm some handing people the banker's box so they can clean out their desk have their sad little plant stick out of the top as they uh leave the office in shame in my probably i think it's fair to say world famous local television commercial from 2005. Yes, that's the one. I held a banker, in one of the versions, in one of the cuts, I held a banker's box in front of my dick. Because you were nude in the commercial. I was nude in the commercial.

The premise of the commercial was that I got fired for not considering the yield curve. I mean, we shouldn't have to describe, this commercial comes up, I'd say, once every third episode. So I don't think we need to describe the commercial. I just want to be inclusive. If people haven't heard me describe the local television commercial I was in 15 years ago, it's like, imagine this, Jordan. Imagine if listeners didn't know about your character, Surfer Dude, who asks the local weathermen.

NBC4's Fritz Coleman. How the swells were. We've both had a lot of success in the world of local commercials. There was one where I wore novelty underpants called Ginch Gaunch. Then there was one where I held a banker's box in front of my dick. And then there was one where I assumed they would give me some kind of sleeve, but they gave me nothing. This is, you were actually, this is, you were actually nude. The gag of the commercial is that like all your clothes got stolen by the Hamburglar? No. Was this a local commercial for McDonald's?

Jordan, I thought everyone knew the premise of the commercial. You were so confident everyone knew the premise of the commercial, Jordan. The premise is I forgot to consider the yield curve. When they asked me to consider the yield curve, I flipped out because I wanted to go to Expressions. I'm an artist. I tore my clothes off. And then when I got fired, I walked out with a banker's box in front of my dick what are your banker's boxes for jordan uh i am uh i am moving at the end of the month so i am uh i'm i'm folding them and i'm putting all my little treasures into them oh la la where are you moving to uh well to a place where i think our guest lives. I don't know. Okay. Let's find out.

If he's not, this is really going to fuck the show. But if he does, I think this will be really delightful. Coming to us from Cincinnati, Ohio. Ah, fuck. Humorist and podcaster, Kevin Porter. How are you, friend? Hey, how's it going, gang? Oh, the boys are back in town. Bubble Boy, Max Fun Boy, Producer Boy.

Oh, my Lord. Brian's name is on his window in the Zoom. I know. I know. I could call him Brian. I know his name is Brian. That wasn't me covering for not knowing a name he knows he's giving everybody cute nicknames also uh uh kevin's

background is now uh lady gaga from um a star reform well not lady gaga i'm sorry her name is ally oh i'm sorry ally jordan i remember those billboards that were all over Sunset Boulevard. And you remember when SNL host Alec Baldwin threw to the musical guest and said, Ladies and gentlemen, Allie. Yeah. That was in the film as well. Beautiful. That was a really, really good Alec Baldwin. You should pitch a reboot of The Hunt for Red October.

Oh, my gosh. Wow. Finally, we're going to get Jack Ryan finally back on the screen after almost 30 years without him. Thank goodness. Do you guys think, is that Jack Ryan TV show, you guys think that's still on? Who knows, right? It is still on, yes.

Really? I think it has crossed over with Bosch at this point. It's kind of a, it's an Avengers for childless uncles. They they did i will say i know this scoop for for the new season they did have to get a tongue stunt double for john krasinski before all the boots he was licking by doing a cia sure thank you thank you a tongue double if you don't lick the boots you don't get the free tanks, Kevin. I know, and that was the tagline.

It's fun to have Kevin Porter here. Kevin, where are you coming to us? From where are you coming to us? From where am I coming? When comest thou? Let's see. Let's see if it's Bubble Boy's new location of residence.

It is Pasadena, California. Oh, the City of Roses. Is that where you're moving to, sir? Kevin? Yes. In April of this year, I will be moving to Pasadena, California. Hey, a Pasadena pal. I'm thrilled. Congratulations. Sounds like we got a couple

little old ladies here. There's nobody meaner than me and Kevin Porter. Isn't Slappy the squirrel from Animaniacs also from Pasadena? Or did I make that up? Somewhere around Pasadena. Yeah. Maybe Monrovia. But where are the good feathers from?

And also Sheldon. Famously, Sheldon lives in Pasadena from Big Bang Theory. Wait, Sheldon from Young Sheldon famously sheldon lives in pasadena from big bang theory wait sheldon from young sheldon i will does young sheldon live in pasadena or old sheldon young sheldon not in pasadena young sheldon in the south but old sheldon which is what i call big bang theory right right it's like people who prefer better call saul is like oh the, the Better Call Saul sequel, Breaking Bad. But the backlight in their apartment is Pasadena City Hall. Wow. And I've not seen a single episode of Big Bang Theory, but I do know this because on Colorado Boulevard, which is kind of the main drag of Pasadena, Old Town Pasadena, there

is Big Bang Theory Lane, and it is named after the show. Wow. Wow. Wow. You know what I call that show, Kevin? What's that? Old Blossom. Old Blossom. Yeah.

It stars Mayim Bialik. See, to get to my new place, you turn onto Big Bang Theory Road, and then you make a hard right onto Bazinga Court. Sure. Were there any other catchphrases from that show? Boy, I don't know. We are reaching the ceiling to my big bang theory knowledge oh john ross bowie was on it oh that's right oh we like him right has he been on jjgo many times oh many times many times great guy yeah i look kevin who else are we gonna invite on here to talk about Bertolt Brecht's Mother Courage and Her Children?

Yes, he's such a little theater and musical theater nerd, right? Yep, yeah, the great John Ross Bally. I wonder, you know what, here's what I'm truly curious about is his take on Lin-Manuel Miranda's ascension to the sort of

Disney composer throne. Because it's such an interesting lineage. All the, you know, hard cheese Lin-Manuel stuff online, whatever. But I find it interesting the kind of position he's in that he's inherited from, you know, Alan Menken and Howard Ashman before him. And also Stephen Schwartz a la Pocahontas and Hunchback of Notre Dame. And now he's kind of he's kind of the heir apparent right like

between Moana and and some of the others Kevin I hate to tell you I'm a Bobby and Kristen Anderson fan I'm a Bobby Lopez Kristen Anderson Lopez yes of course that's my people that's my favorite

Disney composers. Sorry, Lynn. Gosh. Thanks for inviting me to that bowling night, but you're out. I have no... Of Kristen and Bobby all the way. I have no pulse to contribute to this bit. Well, did you watch WandaVision? Did you watch WandaVision? I did watch WandaVision. Okay, well then you heard the Lopez's every

single week. They were the singers and composers of each of the different theme songs. That's fun okay kristin anderson lopez will post first of all she is my ideal musical theater dork uh she she's been on i i know them a little bit because they are judge john hodgman listeners and they've been on bullseye so they've come on judge Judge John Hodgman a couple of times. And they're both just total delights. But Kristen in particular is like, if you think of the biggest musical theater dork

in your high school, like if you imagine Jordan or I could sing, you know what I mean? That's basically what we're talking about here. Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself. Of the 11 out of 10 outcome of that. Like, that person having brilliant talent,

their ebullience being immensely charming, them being friendly and marrying someone with similar amounts of talent, them then getting an EGOT, and then them

and their children record videos of all of them around the piano singing harmony, and it's fun. Yeah, I mean, I didn't realize that they had already EGOTed. Good for them. Yeah, that's gotta be earliest EGOT, right? I think Bobby has an EGOT.

I think Kristen has four out of five. I think Bobby won one of them solo. I can't remember which one. It's like an Emmy or something. Man, you know, I was talking with a friend of mine today about weird things I ascribe to virtue when it comes to people's marriages, which is like nonsense. If someone's married for a long time and they're celebrities, I'm like, I think they're probably really good people.

I think they're nice. And it's like, you don't know anything about their life. I mean, it's easy. Think of William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman. Our go-to model marriage. Felicity and Will. One went to jail, one didn't. Come on.

Hey, the Steppenwolf Theater Company lives or whatever. It was like a little theater troupe that they were in. Yeah, something like that. So it's them. And then I was looking up some Kevins because I watched the big show with Kevin Kline. And he's been married to Phoebe Cates the whole time. Another Kevin, Mr. Bacon, married to Kira the whole time. Kira Sedgwick.

And they both seem to be, all four of them seem to be very happy. But what do I know? Kevin, would you say you're a Kevin Stan? No matter the Kevin. Name a Kevin and I will find something positive to say about them. Kevin Garnett, star of that Adam Sandler movie everybody liked. I didn't watch it because it seemed upsetting. It was.

I mean, you know, that's what it is. It's a little roller coaster ride for your anxiety. But it was fun. Kevin Garnett. Great Kevin. I can't come up with any other Kevins, by the way. I would love to come up with more Kevins, but I have none else. You've said

Kevin Kline. So I guess you're saying we don't need to talk about Kevin. Wow. Wow. Which I understand. Folks, this is why he's a more successful podcaster than we are. That is not true. No, no, no, no.

Come on now. Kevin, I want to hear about what I can look forward to in Pasadena and why you moved there. And I have three things. I want to hear about why you moved there, what I can look forward to. And do you know anything about Pasadena's micro-neighborhoods? Yes.

Okay. Let's talk bungalow heaven, baby. Well, that's, bungalow heaven is soon going to be the astral plane on which I reside. Come on, man.

All right, brother, you're already speaking our language. Yeah, I died and went to bungalow heaven. No more closed-toed shoes for me. Oh, my gosh. I will say, you're going to love the parking out here.

I guarantee it. It's quite a bit. Although, unfortunately, I'll say this, a little Pasadena factoid, which is it's sort of a war on unhoused people because they have very stringent overnight parking laws but no signs for them so in most neighborhoods you have to check on the website and like for the for the actual like neighborhood county lines because there is a cutoff but for most of the the neighborhoods you cannot park overnight but there's no sign saying you can't

park overnight so when i was living in one of the houses I lived in before getting here, did I get like five or six tickets because I forgot to park my car in the post office across the way? I sure did, parking in front of my own house. Got a ticket at 2 in the morning. But I moved out here in 2012, so I've been here almost 10 years, almost nine years I should say, but coming up on the better part of a decade. And I did it just out of convenience.

I knew a bunch of guys who wanted to move out here. One of them lived out here. And so we all got a house together. It was very small. It was the kind of house that you can live in when you're 21, 22, 23 years old. And so I did that for a couple of years, paid dirt cheap for the rent,

and then moved to a different house and then moved to the place I'm living in now, which is my first time living alone. Oh, perfect timing. Yes, yes, I know. For extreme loneliness. Well, the knife cuts both ways because I don't have to worry about negotiating

any roommate stuff right now. Right, that's true. And worrying about that. What was the second question, Jordan? What can I look forward to? What are some of the Pasadena pros? From you, a Pasadena pro. Sure. I mean, my favorite for a little bit, because the last house I lived in was closer to the Rose Bowl. So oftentimes my morning jog would be to go down to the Rose Bowl and do a loop around there. That was like three miles. And it's a great walk too. Nice. Can I recommend something to you, Jordan? On this same theme, when you're down there at

the Rose Bowl, which for people who don't live in Southern California is not just a legendary stadium, but also a huge parks complex, including an aquatic center, softball fields, tracks, the whole nine yards. Tennis courts. Huge. Been playing there every week for the last month. Golf course. I might actually, I've been thinking of, I'm going to try it out, I might leave my beloved

Verdugo Aquatic Center for the Rose Bowl Aquatic Center. We'll see. We'll see how it works out. Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm not saying you have to, but you could take a children's swimming lesson there. I know this because my kids did. I could.

I could hold onto the side and kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. This sounds like a scheme. My recommendation, Jordan, is that you check out the Pirate Park. This is a playground with a pirate theme that children love the world over. It doesn't matter their cultural background. It doesn't matter their socioeconomic background. They're going to love this Pirate Park.

I think you're going to love it too, Jordan. It's got like a play structure shaped like a pirate ship. Sounds pretty rad. I will say- Saw a bobcat there once. Wow. Man, this is great. Why didn't I move to Pas pasadena sooner there's a lot to look forward to well you're you're telling me another thing another animal you can spawn the wild in pasadena slash altadena john c reilly seen him out there

quite a bit yeah maria bamford maria bamford take a look at maria bamford in altadena i yeah i i was i don't want to dox her or myself but she lives a few miles from me i remember pre-covid going over to her place for she had a little home stand-up show fun and it was so lovely it was like a bunch of different comics and and she's like a true legitimate neighborhood person i think she lived in eagle rock before altadena. She did. I went to a birthday party once at the Eagle Rock Eagles Club. That's fun. I ran into...

I think I've mentioned this on Jordan Jesse Go before, but I ran into her and her husband Scott at the Pasadena Whole Foods. And before everyone gets huffy, I go to Whole Foods about every other month, every three months, just to get a few specialty goods that you can't get at the regular it's a little i'm not some whole foods asshole

how often do you have to go to whole foods before you're a whole foods asshole let's call let's let's quantify this i think you have to do at least two-thirds of your shopping at whole foods before you're a whole foods asshole okay i say I say twice a week. Twice. Twice a week? Wow. I mean, this is, we're still in quarantine, Kevin. We're still supposed to be doing our grocery shopping every other week. So if you're going to the Whole Foods

twice a week, how many vitamins are you buying? I mean, I can't say away. I think I'm accidentally referencing a Candace Owens tweet. Oh, wow. About going to Whole Foods multiple times a week. Wow.

From like literally over a year ago. Kevin, I know why you're going to Whole Foods twice a week, buddy. Okay, okay. You're addicted to vinyls. You'll have to buy vinyls there. You'll buy any vinyl. You'll buy Band you'll buy any vinyl uh you'll buy a band of horses you'll buy miles davis's kind of blue uh you'll buy uh what's the nora jones i could remember that she was ravi shankar's

daughter i could not remember the name of a woman who sold 25 million albums man our starbucks queen we have no choice but to stand our starbucks little jazz easy listening queen because there was there was come away with me yeah that was in all the starbucks but then after that it was i believe his his final album the ray charles duets album and the first track on it was a duet called here we go again between him and nora it sounds pretty good i mean they call her the starbucks the starbucks queen they call me the coffee bean bitch okay all right you do not take any shit when you're at the coffee bean no i don't i said a splash of almond splash. Especially if that fucking tea leaf starts to mess with you. Yeah.

Oh, you know what? Let me give this uber specific Pasadena coffee recommendation. That's why people are here. Jameson Brown Coffee Roasters off of Allen and Locust. So a little bit further east of Old Town. We are really getting specific here, Kevin. Hey, listen. This is just a coffee roaster you like?

Yes. It's a coffee shop I've gone to for almost 10 years now. They have the best cold brew, in my opinion, in Los Angeles County. It's my favorite cold brew I've ever had. They have a lavender vanilla brevet latte that's very good if you like the sugary stuff. A Mayan mocha that they make with a little chipotle powder. Wow. Just like the Mayans did. They make it with a little chipotle and they file your teeth into point. What are we talking?

Let's talk about the pastry case. Pastry case is pretty standard. You got almond croissants, you got some coffee cake, you got some... I think there's a few uh specific like local asian pastries that they have there as well i recently was at a a fancy uh you know bakery joint uh near my house and they had something called a breakfast nest a breakfast nest a breakfast nest it's uh it's like a little basket made out of hash browns and inside it it has uh it has some bacon in there uh and something else i have fuck if i know maybe some pastry and then on top of it is a little egg just sitting on top of their breakfast nest god i'd love to go into a breakfast nest right now that sounds delicious sure raise your little breakfast raise your little breakfast babies you ever wake up and you're

feeling you're feeling kind of under the weather you're feeling blue you don't want to get out of bed you just want to make yourself a little fucking breakfast nest with some hash browns some bacon a little egg shiny egg on top. Spoon up next to your sausage. And by the time you're ready to get out of bed, you'll eat your way out of it, and you'll feel better. There's no fault in this plan. Kevin, I want to get your read on the general vibe of Pasadena, because I was not looking to move there.

I was kind of neighborhood agnostic. I was looking all over the place. I kind of had my eye on Burbank a little bit, but there was nothing in Burbank. There was nothing in Burbank. Nothing for a cool guy like you. Are you living alone, Jordan? Living alone.

So yeah, I needed something cat-friendly. Cat-friendly with AC. These were my requirements. Central air. You know, honestly, I don't have any kind of air, so I'm like, I'll take a wall unit. Although maybe I will kick myself for not going for central air, but, oh boy, it really rocketed up the monthly rent.

Yeah, San Gabriel Valley, baby. It gets spicy out here. It's going to get toasty. Yeah, it's like San Fernando. Jordan, you're not willing to settle for a swamp cooler, are you? What's a swamp cooler? It sounds like a regional soda you can only get in Mississippi. Y'all try a new swamp cooler.

It's a cocktail. It's a cocktail invented by Paul Prude Home. Ah, yes. It's a shrimp-based cocktail. So the General Viva Pasadena. Yes. It's a shrimp-based cocktail. So the General Viva Pasadena. Yes. So my read of it so far, as someone who goes there occasionally, is that it is a place where you go to see a matinee of a theater show with your mom,

and then you go to lunch somewhere called the Lazy Daisy Cafe. This is, Jordan, Pasadena is a city with two different children's museums. Hey, okay. As I'm driving around Pasadena, I'm like, this is great. I love it here.

These places are so nice. I bet the main two kinds of people who live here are local news anchors and hoarders. I'll tell you who lives in bungalow heaven where you're moving to, which is a neighborhood in Pasadena. Nicholas Falaci, my Twitter friend, who's the co-creator of the television show Numbers. Hey. Wow. Yeah.

Maybe me and the falach can get together at, what's the coffee place, Kevin? Jameson Brown. Or Copa Vida in Old Town. That's another great Pasadena coffee roaster. Am I gonna be in Bungalow Heaven or Java Heaven? All right! Jordan, I know a really cool place

in Old Town Pasadena. Hmm. Well, it's part restaurant, part factory. Their specialty is cheesecake. Okay. I love this place. I love this place. Yeah, the servings are generous, to say the least.

I have to cut you off with some true anecdotes, one of which is someone threw a bomb into that cheesecake factory. I'm not kidding. Oh, no! This was a couple years ago. Someone threw a bomb into that cheesecake factory i'm not kidding oh no this was a couple years ago someone threw a bomb into there or someone from the buco to buca to beppo down the street the factory the chain factory wars in pasadena old town have gotten right brutal just absolutely savage so there was that so the ball someone threw a bomb in there

everyone was fine no one was like seriously injured. But then, cut to, I believe, two or three weeks later, someone drove a car through one of the front windows of the same Cheesecake Factory. My goodness. So I cannot in good conscience recommend the Pasadena Cheesecake Factory. It's cursed. Knowing that your life is on the line. It is a cursed cheesecake.

One of the workers back in the 1930s got his arm caught in one of the cheesecake machines. Bruce Springsteen saw it. He was like, I've heard of bad factories, but this is ridiculous. Wow. It sounds like this remake of The Hunt for Red October is going to feature Bruce Springsteen

as the Russian general. That's right. No, he plays the Connery role, yeah. Right. I would say, in my experience, the vibe in Pasadena is more family-oriented than most of my favorite neighborhoods, or I should say the neighborhoods of most of my friends. You should get a son, Jordan. Got to get a son.

That's kind of where I'm pushing you towards. So it's a lot of- I'm trying, Kevin. I'm trying to get a son. Jordan, I think Kevin might be willing to be your son. I'm looking to integrate into someone's family at some point in 2021 when things start opening up again. So I'd love to talk with you after this.

Yeah, let's talk about a son arrangement. So families, a lot of Bible students in my experience as well. Because Fuller Seminary is smack dab in the middle of Old Town Pasadena as well. Kevin, I have a question. Yes. As a podcaster about Christian culture, is it possible that no matter where you were, you would be meeting a lot of Bible students? Is it possible I'm biased? Yes, absolutely.

Wow, there's a lot of Bible people around here. I could be in any city in the country. So a lot of that. And then one of my favorite features is also the pretty insane, like I think it could go against most food in Los Angeles County. The San Gabriel Valley Asian food is just, I think second to none. And so there's a large amount of Asian immigrants in Pasadena as well.

And then the other sector I would say, there's weird old money stuff here too and there's like weird dark histories as far as cults as far as scientology goes uh even stuff having to do with jpl and in a lot of history i'm actually not that well brushed up on that i can't really speak to you think that cheesecake factory is cursed because there were satanic rituals there you know how there's a hell mouth and sunnyvale and Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Now, imagine if it was under a cheesecake factory, and I think we're starting to put the pieces together.

Yeah. I gotta tell you, Jordan, why don't you hit up Lunasia for some table serves for some nice evening dim sum? Ooh. I will. If you're like me, you wanna eat dim sum. Okay, this sounds like ad copy

now. But frankly... Just go to dimsum.com slash JJGO and put in offer code JJGO and they will wheel that little cart to your house. Now, I will say it is not a little cart dim sum place. You have to check little boxes on a menu

and hand it to someone. Honestly, Jesse, I might be out. Wow. I love be out. Wow. I love the cart. Wow. I love the little cart. Also, hiking. Hiking's great out here. I live right next to Eaton Canyon, which you do need an appointment to do right now.

But, you know, hopefully sometime in the next year or so, that won't be the case. Yeah, jump out there. Book that online. Yeah, book it online. Maybe I will. Go to hiking.com slash JJGO. Use the code JJGO. You'll get 25% off your hike in Eaton Canyon.

Oh, one more thing. The Huntington Library and Gardens. Have you been there before? It's too expensive, Kevin. Well, you become a member and then... What do you think, I'm made out of money? I'm already a member of Descanso and the Arboret well and you're going to whole foods twice a month for fuck's sake kevin i'm already a member of the fucking descanso gardens you think i'm gonna join another fucking

garden just one i know it's like streaming services now isn't it this is the paramount now i need yeah jordan let's go to the gamble house together yeah. Jordan, let's go to the Gamble House together. That, I'm on board. Let's go on the joinery tour at the Gamble House. There are so many, like, beautiful historic homes in Pasadena. And I like, some of them you can live in. I, like, feel like I looked at a couple of them. And I was really excited because they, you know, like, something i kind of considered during this move is like you know this is mainly an air conditioning based move this is a move you know

a move for air and i'm like well shit how much do i have to spend do i do a mega complex do i do one of those giant heartless mega complexes called like the icon or something like that just because i know this place is gonna have fucking blasting air and a new fridge yeah that air conditioning would be fucking frigid your balls would be the size of peas i love it i love to sleep cold i love sleeping cold too i'm team jordan on this one as well sleeping cold and riding dirty that's jordan morris sure i sleep cold i ride i drive dirty and when i'm at the coffee bean i'm a total bitch what a bitch what a little bitch i think we just invented we're gonna become millionaires selling facebook t-shirts now yeah just in different fonts

oh so many famous homes out here the back to the future home the father the bride home i believe the home from the first halloween is in south pasadena or the first friday the 13th i forget but you know who would know that matt gorley who who hosts that in myers-weiss trust with gorley who in rust matt, Pasadena pal, lives in Pasadena as well. So here's something I'm... Because, you know, if you don't know LA geography, Pasadena, it's a little out there, it's a little far east. And I am a little bit nervous that, like,

when hanging out starts to happen again. And I think, you know, in a post-vaccine world, people are going to be hanging hard. I will not be home more than two nights out of the week is my plan. I mean, this is the answer to your question, if I'm anticipating it correctly, Jordan. Yeah, let's find out. I live near Pasadena.

I live in the northeasternmost part of Los Angeles. One of my children goes to school in Altadena, which is right next door to Pasadena. I'm a northeastern LA dude, okay? Find me at the Pie and Burger, okay? Sure. How many years, Jordan, have you lived in your beautiful current apartment in central Los Angeles? Right short of Square, smack dab in the middle, in Grove Country, near the famous podcast mall, The Grove. I think I've lived here like nine years.

I've lived here a long time. This is the longest I've lived in a place. Yeah, and it's been the sweatiest nine years of my life. How many times have I visited you in that apartment? The answer, by the way, is one time. Oh, I was going to say zero. No, I've been there. That's how I know what a nice apartment it is.

It's a lovely apartment. It's great. I'm bummed to leave it. But I think that's the answer. I think that once you have moved to pasadena other than work obligations you will travel to uh parts of los angeles beyond uh the northeastern neighborhood of silver lake silver the silver lake las filas area uh about once every nine years oh boy you know i i actually i disagree with this take i think this might be a mental thing. Let's hear an alternate take.

So I think because the first place I lived out here when I moved to Los Angeles proper was in 2010. I lived in Santa Monica for about four months with some family before I got a place of my own. But all my friends were in the Valley at the time. So most days were me driving to Burbank, Valley Village, Sherman Oaks, Van Nuys to see just friends all the time. And so I lived in Sherman Oaks before. You were friends with a bunch of Total Valley girls. Total Valley girls. We love to go shopping. A lot of pink. Sure. Other Valley references. And you go to a punk club and you pick up

a young nicholas cage oh hey teeth were a little crooked but he was still a babe so i think by the time i got to pasadena i had already made the mental commitment of if i want to see my friends and i do even though i had a lot of friends in pasadena i will have to go to them and i think maybe coming from texas where car culture is just ingrained and embedded i it's not i didn't grow up anywhere where it's like it's walkable or you just take a bus and you get here take the metro like car culture was always just i guess in my dna from growing up so i mean yes when we toured uh judge john hodgman recently uh i mean recently how recently two years ago yeah oh we've been to we've been touring non-fucking-stop oh you only play dave chapelle's backyard exactly but uh uh when we toured texas i remember having a conversation where you

know we had we were like booking a show in austin texas which is you know there's a lot of venues there which is why you book a show in austin texas there's a lot of places to perform uh and it's harder in say houston for example and i said to, and I said to our booking agent, I said, like, hey, Josh, like, I know we have fans in Houston. It's one of the biggest cities in the United States. And you got to know Ken Roberts is going to come out to the show. I mean, I think we all know Ken Roberts, and we know he lives in Houston. He's going to come to the show.

Everyone knows that. Yeah, it goes without saying. Especially Kevin. Why don't we book a show in Houston? Why aren't we playing Dallas, Texas? That's another one of the largest cities in the country. It's right there in Texas. Heck, let's play San Antonio, Texas, I said.

This is what our booking agent said. You only have to play one place in Texas because people will drive like six hours to go to a show if they live in Texas. That's literally been my experience, yeah. So I liked what you were saying. You were giving me hope for a future of

hangs. Yes, and I will say it goes both ways too because something I was nervous about living out here as well was that people would not come to see me if they didn't live in the neighborhood if they didn't live in Altadena or South Pass or Pasadena and then in 2019 or Monrovia or Arcadia we could go on yeah but uh why don't we or freaking Azusa.

The Antelope Valley. But then in summer 2019, I started having weekly parties over at my place. I would do it every Sunday night. It would usually be a watch party for a TV show. Or in 2019, we had horny summer movie night parties where we'd watch a very horny movie. And I was always so pleasantly surprised yes i would like to hear some of the horny movies please we watched fear patrol with uh reese with a mark walberg and mark walberg yes uh cruel intentions very horny sarah michelle geller uh and uh we watched point break

the keanu swayze and we watched magic mike xx as well. Very horny. I watch Point Break recently. I mean, I've seen Point Break a few times, but I watch it again recently. And I think I had remembered all of the parts where they put on president masks and Rob. I had remembered how I remembered the charismatic villains and their chill surfer vibes i had remembered that keanu reeves had a had a cool quarterback style and i i had remembered that gary bucey just ran around yelling things uh all of those were accurate those were the main things i remembered uh what i forgot is that like uh in action movies of the time just periodically there's just 12 out of 10 brutality like they will just drop extraordinary moments of intense violence in among like parts where just dudes like the main thing that happens in Point Break is they like hang around a beach bonfire. Like that is the main activity or jump out of an airplane and do like paragliding or

whatever. And then just every so often, like someone throws a dog at someone or like someone's face gets stomped or something. It is crazy. katherine bigelow she's very brutal as a filmmaker sure i watched like uh 48 hours or something like that one of the another one of those movies and there was just this like 15 minute long torture scene in it i was like holy shit 1988 was intense well interesting kevin you when you rattled off those horny movies uh only one of those was not from the 90s was the 90s the horniest time in cinema interesting question is a good point the mere existence of wild things in that decade essentially the bleed over from that one film extends to the entire length of the decade and makes it the

horniest decade i i i think you could make i think you could make an argument for either the 80s or the 90s not the aughts but 80s or 90s because with 80s you have kind of the birth maybe of the erotic thriller to some degree with fatal attraction and body heat right and then i think you have the apotheosis of the like post uh you know like the the sort of porky's movies start in 1978 or whatever but they really hit their peak on hbo in 1985 right you have your yeah you have your animal house knockoffs. My favorite animal house knockoff? Mammal domicile. That was my favorite one, just personally. I had some pretty wild stuff in there. Yeah, that's a fun wordplay.

Thanks for that wordplay, Kevin. Oh, you're welcome. Always my pleasure. A lot of people think we don't do wordplay on this show, but we do a little bit of fun wordplay. Is that the primary comments in the in the reddit is that there's yeah a lot of people are like a lot of people are like how come they don't do more wordplay on this show bring on kevin porter he's gonna come up with some sure you

know the uh you guys remember the famous uh tagline to mammal domicile things get wild when you give live birth okay they when when you're given wild birth, live birth, things are getting wild. Let's nurse our young. Regulate your temperature internally. Yeah, it gives their brains more time to grow. I guess my lesson is if you eventize hanging out with you enough, people will show up that live in different parts of the city i should have to have a horny film festival jordan let's spitball some ideas for for events

that you could host at your new sweet pad in pasadena with all your bankers boxes can we can we use mine as a jumping off point or something i'm truly going to do when yeah i would love that please yeah so the primary event before horny summer movie nights in 2019 was big little pies i did a big little lies watch party in which people would bake bring or buy from pie and burger pies and we would eat them during the show and after the show and hang out so when things come back and what i was planning on doing last summer that i was sadly robbed of is doing the succession suck session in which people bring popsicles and we eat the popsicles while watching succession season three why don't you just have a regular suck fest oh well you know i mean not everyone's consenting to that you would make

sure everybody was on board ahead of time but you know i'm afraid it would cut the guest list and i'm gonna say conservatively a third maybe a quarter probably down by a third maybe even more i think I think Gorley's married. He's probably not coming. No. Falachi's spoken for, even though he's new on the invite list. Lennon Parham, that's another Pasadena pal. She's out here all the time. Bruce Dern, another Pasadena pal.

I can't wait to go to a Hordy movie night with Bruce Dern. Wait, this isn't my story, but can I tell it? Yeah. It's Gorley's only sighting of Bruce Dern, because I think he lives in his neighborhood. He saw Bruce Dern parked in his own car, in his own driveway, eating a sandwich. It's a delightful visual. That's the dream. That's why you moved to Pasadena.

It's really good. Of course. Yes. Absolutely. You moved towood to pursue your dreams then you give up and move to pasadena to see if you can see dern eating a sandwich see if you run into matthew lillard at jones coffee you know what i bet you know what i bet bruce dern was eating i bet he i bet he was eating that that italian sandwich from that Italian deli known popularly as the sandwich.

Oh, yes. I did have that sandwich last summer, and it was quite delicious. It's a great sandwich. They just got a pile of them. You just grab one and grab as many cannolis as you need from the freezer, and you're in business. I loved it. I have been perusing the best of Pasadena food lists, and the thing I am most excited about kevin i want to ask you if you had it have you had the lucky boy breakfast oh sir i

freaking grew up on that basically from years 2012 to 2015 2016 tell me about this lucky boy it's a monster i brought one of those once to a homeschooling information session. And they asked you to leave because they thought it was inappropriate that the burrito was that big. They were gobsmacked at my gall. They're here trying to talk about going to the Huntington with their children in groups, having a Huntington visiting group to go check out the libraries of maps at the Huntington Gardens and Collection. And here I walk in with this honker of a breakfast burrito. I mean, I'm talking about sausage.

I went ahead and got sausage and bacon, Jordan. Whoa, two meats. You are a lucky boy. I don't give a fuck. Put some hot sauce on there. My favorite lucky boy breakfast burrito is the chorizo. You can eat half of it and be awful. Yum, yum, yum.

They have good milkshakes too. But go to the lucky boy on Walnut. Don't go to the original one on Arroyo. They're very mean on Arroyo and they'll get mad at you. But they're nice on Walnut. Gotta go to Walnut, Jordan. I have gotten really... Just a recent thing for me, is I've gotten really into breakfast burritos.

I've always liked them, but now I like all about them. It's strange. It's only happened in the past couple months. I only think about breakfast burritos now. You got to park your brain somewhere. I only think about who's going to make the cut on the San Francisco Giants this year. You're thinking about breakfast burritos.

You just got to have something to, when the creeps come in, in the pit of your stomach, you got to have a place to park your brain. Kevin Porter's parking it on that banjo-lele on his wall. So around the, something that i like by my apartment is that there is my apartment now is that there is a just a great like go-to taco place called frank's frank's restaurant um you know just a solid like lunchtime taco choice that i have all

the time um love frank sorry to. Sorry to leave Frank's restaurant. But I've been so into breakfast burritos, and I was looking around for burritos the other day, and I'm like, is Frank's open in the morning? Does Frank's have a breakfast burrito? I called over. Sure enough, they are open. They have a breakfast burrito.

And this place is a half block away from my house. I went over and got the burrito. It's one of the best a breakfast burrito. And this place is a half block away from my house. I went over and got the burrito. It's one of the best fucking breakfast burritos I've ever had. And I'm only discovering it now. I could have been eating this thing for eight years. Wow. Oh, man.

This is like when you run into someone you went to high school with and you both admit you had crushes on each other. Yes. It's like, well, I'm leaving. Like, our lives have diverged. I'm going to the Navy! Jordan, I think we just found a friend that's worth visiting.

Get that B-Burrito. Yeah, just find a driveway and honk down like Bruce Dern. Can I just say, a driveway? Find Bruce Dern's driveway. That's the place to do it. That's where Laura does it.

I do want to, I would like to do it that's where laura does it uh i do want i do would would like to return to kevin's idea of the themed party to get okay yeah yeah did you have one in mind do you have do you have a follow-up to big little pies i mean the succession sex sessions oh right but yeah i guess that it's gonna be a while before it even comes back. It'll be like Q4, but then by that time, hopefully everyone I know will be vaccinated. I'm vaccinated now. I just got my first dose. That's great. Congratulations, man.

That's awesome. Thank you. Thank you so much. I qualified for the food service tier because of my bakery. Oh, that's right. Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon. B-A-K-I-N.

Thank you. So do you like game night? Do you like either like board or party or video games? You could do something like that. Maybe have a tournament, have cash prizes. Herzog's Vine Night. Oh, yes. I could get some classic Genesis games and no one would come over.

Bring your friends over to talk to the Seaman. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm a little bit out of the loop in conversations about pop culture now because I feel like I am watching a lot more, like, not narrative TV, like, game shows in 60 minutes, basically. Yeah. Don't worry, Jordan. Have a party and watch Frontline.

Yeah, right? Frontline Fridays at Jordan's house. Everyone just is rushing past the door. Oh, they're doing something about credit reports. So maybe I was thinking, like, maybe we watch, like, an investment-themed reality show. Okay. I'm listening. Jesse, I liked your idea of making it a little sexy.

So, you know, again, consent. We want to have waivers. We want to, waivers we want to like make sure everybody's on board but maybe we could have a bdsm themed viewing of one of these and call it shark's bank yeah i think that's oh my gosh well i don't know if you've heard but there's kind of an opening in la right now for a sort of goth sex club if you want to fill that vacuum yeah maybe i'll maybe I'll take up that. Head on out to bungalow heaven.

There will never be an LA Times piece about Jordan sex parties, I promise you. That's true. It'll be in the Pasadena Star Ledger. I think Jordan's going to have the most gothic craftsman bungalow in all of bungalow heaven. Hell yeah. Just fucking Tom Waits blasting out of this thing. Man, that was... I long for the sweet relief of death.

That used to be one of my favorite things. A friend of mine and I, we would always send voice memos to each other as Tom Waits doing Disney songs. I can show you the world. A whole new world. A brand new place I never knew. Who's the composer of Whole New World, Kevin?

I believe that is Mencken and Rice. Okay. I think you're correct, Kevin. I think that's gonna be Mencken and Rice. Okay. I think you're correct, Gavin. I think that's going to be a Mencken and Rice joint. What about the Aristocats? Who's the composer on that one? I don't know, a racist guy? A lot of warnings before you pull up the old Aristocats on Disney Plus these days.

It is a solid 45 minutes of warnings. I'm sincerely pro-warning rather than take it off. Warnings are great. The warnings are great. Just contextualize it. We can handle it. I don't know if you've actually seen Aristocats on Disney Plus recently, Jordan. I actually watched it.

I don't think I watched it on Disney Plus, but I did watch it to do a podcast with the Doughboys not too long ago. They did a cat-themed month of movies, and I watched the Aristocats. So I have seen the Aristocats in the past three or four years. And yes, it is a weird movie with some shocking moments of horrible racism, and then a little Disney magic sprinkled in. My understanding is that on Disney Plus now, because they're so thoughtful about that kind of thing, they run the whole movie, and then at the end of it, Penn Jillette goes,

the Aristocats. Oh my Lord, what a pull. Yeah. Thank you. And they are so thoughtful to let pendulet do that which which do you think is more surprising out of these three dramatic political turns yeah okay pendulet into libertarianism right dennis miller post 9-11 into conservatism right or david mammett slow slide into maga ism wow no mammet i didn't know about

mammet what's i mean i i mean yeah sure now that i think about it yeah that tracks well okay i mean i'm bum i'm a fan i'm a fan i have been a fan of mammet things in the past sure you can still be a fan of his stuff yeah Yeah, I think many years ago, Mamet really started getting into really wild interpretations of Zionism. And I think that kind of led him down that path to the point where he's just hanging out with those evangelicals who buy cows for Israel

because they think that will make Jesus return. Which I actually agree with that part. Yeah, sure. Well, you know. I don't mean to... I mean, yeah, even a... These people shouldn't have to buy their own cows. Yeah.

Even a stopped watch is right twice a day, right? Listen, I'm human. Yeah, I mean, I think the Dennis Miller one is surprising. You would think he would be a hippie, I mean, I think the Dennis Miller one is surprising. You would think he would be a hippie, pot-smoking, free love type. But yeah, I think his conservative turn always shocks me when I think about it. Kevin, I'm going to throw you a curveball on my answer here.

I'm going to say Rush Limbaugh on Monday Night Football. I'm going to say Rush Limbaugh, NFL commentator. That was his life's dream. He was an NFL commentator for a while until he said something too racist. Is that true? Yeah. Didn't think black people would make good quarterbacks. Got fired from his dream job as an NFL commentator.

And then he found out there's good money in continuing to say stuff well i think he i think he was sitting i think he was sitting on one of those scrooge mcduck piles already i don't think he was sweating oh man i mean this year was already so hard already and to lose him on top of it all i know 2020 why why okay man i know i think about that all the time. And the anthropomorphizing? Yes. What's the word, Gabe? Anamorphizing. Anamorphizing.

Anamorphizing of years. Turning people into anamorphs. The one I'll always remember is Prince and Bowie dying in 2016. And this is pre-election. Prince and Bowie dying. And everyone being like, ugh, 2016, get out of here. Can't wait for 2017. And it was two cool guys died.

Look, these two guys are very cool. Don't get me wrong. I mean, one of these guys was married to Iman. That's how cool he was. If you're married to Iman and your fucking dudes on the side, you are one of the coolest dudes of all time there's no question about it but it was just those two dudes you know i know we couldn't handle it that and basketball and heels is a solid combo but i wish god would have eased us into 2020 if

there was like exponential celebrity like if 2017 it was like four cool guys died and then 16 cool guys died in 2018 and then 2019 whatever it is an exponential sequence there yes somebody that somebody you kind of like think is cool but don't really have any

feelings about like oh Dave Navarro died huh yeah guess so I mean I feel bad for his family thoughts and prayers obviously R.I.P. the beehive lady from the B-52s she always seemed great

to me really cool friends with RuPaul in Athens Georgia in 1980 I will say my version of this this year was when Hal Holbrook died It's really cool. Friends with RuPaul in Athens, Georgia in 1980. I will say my version of this this year was when Hal Holbrook died. I was like, oh my God. Hal Holbrook died?

Yeah. 2020, get out of here. You're taking too much already. I mean, this guy has been 75 years old since 1972. Here he goes. Deep throat himself, Hal Holbrook. Really and truly. Mark Twain himself, yes. Yeah.

What do you think is the first thing Hal Holbrook said to Mark Twain in heaven? Here's my guess. Hi, me. Oh, I was going to say game recognized game. I guess that's what Mark says to Hal Holbrook. Sure, sure. Hey, is it just me or was 2020 a little bit of a dumpster fire, huh?

Thank you, Jordan. A little bit of a dumpster fire? Can I just say... Jordan, can I say what I thought of 2020? I was like, this is a dumpster fire. I thought that too. If you lit trash on fire, that's how bad 2020 was for me. Right.

Okay. For me. I'm not speaking for Kevin here. I'm not speaking for Brian, our producer on the program. I don't know, Kevin, if you thought 2020 was a dumpster fire, but I kind of did. Here's what I think for real about 2020. By the way, I'm sad that the workaholics writers room doesn't exist not because i watched workaholics i have no opinion about it right

but i would like them the writers room to tweet out a new board of all the phrases we shouldn't say anymore in comedy premises that legendary tweet was so formative to at least everyone i know in our la circles yeah i was gonna say 2020 had some of the worst days of my life in it, but it was not the worst year of my life. Wow. I think. The worst year was when you discovered masturbation. It was,

because it was game over from there, baby. Do you have a, when you, if someone asks you, what is your worst year, do you have one in mind? Yeah, I think I would either go 2013 or 2018. In my adult life, that I can recall.

You're right. More so than 2020, honestly, I think. I'm going to say 95. Okay. Jesse says 95. Mama's family got canceled. Oh, I know. I love Mama and her fucking...

She was just so fucking brassy. Brassy and sassy. I'll miss her for the rest of my days. You know what I mean? Jordan, worst year, go. That's a toughie. Worst year. go that's a tough fee i worst year worst i'm gonna say 2012 okay 2012 because the election kind of didn't go the way you were hoping it would right yeah that's a real bummer well and i listen i'm a big follower of the mayan calendar. And she said that's when the apocalypse was going to happen.

I had planned on it. I emptied my bank account. You can't see this on Zoom, Kevin, but Jordan's teeth are filed to a point. And when he was a baby, they compressed his skull so it would be pointier. These are Mayan things. Go ahead, Jordan. No, I don't have any. I was going to go into polls about the John Cusack movie 2012, where he outruns an earthquake in a limousine.

Well, look, we're all having fun listing our worst years, but we've got more to come on Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll be back in just a second. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, signed up to kick us a few bucks. We're also this week supported by the good people at Manscaped. Now, you know, a lot of people think there's nothing you can do about the hair that grows in your genital region. But actually, there are some steps you can take to manage and control those curly fucks. You know, and Jesse, I know we kind of like to riff our ads a little bit here's a little look at how the sausage is made well i was reading straight from the copy but yeah go ahead i actually they provided us with a little bit of copy here that i think is is yeah very poetic so i think i'm just gonna read it verbatim okay flowers are blooming the

grass is growing and it's time to mow your lawn. Thanks to our sponsor Manscaped, you can trim the hedges below the belt safely and efficiently. Jesse, they're not fucking around. It is safe and efficient to use Manscaped products to trim your pubis regions. It really is. It's both safe and efficient and a region of the body. Manscaped makes all kinds of below the waist grooming products. There's a package called the Perfect Package 3.0 kit with the lawnmower, which is the cordless waterproof body trimmer, as well as some other nice juices and unguents that you can place on your balls and other parts of

your body as you please. You can get 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com. That's 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com. It's spring cleaning, baby, and your balls will thank you. We also are supported this week by our friends at Zip Recruiter. Now, Jordan, you know that I'm a small business owner. I do. It's one of your many qualities. Yeah. I own a company that makes grilled cheese sandwiches out of old tires. Now, what would you say is the challenge? Is it that tires are inedible or that it's hard to find good help? no this the science stuff is easy i just use science on that i use chemicals and processes to transform tires into

grilled cheese sandwiches and the honest truth jordan is that everybody loves a grilled cheese sandwich unless they're a fucking asshole or a vegan which is a reasonable choice the real problem that i have is hiring i gotta find qualified scientists to turn these tires into grilled cheese sandwiches or else i'm going belly up, Jordan. And maybe get a maybe get a lawyer because you're probably going to have some lawsuits coming your way. But for any other employees, I need to hire fucking vegans. I'm not afraid of vegans. They're doing something good for themselves and the planet.

Yeah, fucking vegans. It's a responsible choice that we respect. Yeah, exactly. Hey, but if you need somebody else to help out around the old tire plant slash sandwichery, you're going to want to go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Whether you need to hire a civil engineer in New York or a mascot in Missouri or a cheese sandwich maker in Chintucky, ZipRecruiter's technology finds people with the right experience for your job and invites them to apply.

No wonder four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate in the first five days. Try it for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. Soon all your tires will be grilled cheese sandwiches. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin T. Porter. I'm President Biden. Hey. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin T. Porter. I'm President Biden.

Hey! Whoa! Howdy, howdy, howdy. Oh, no, were those some stairs? Oh, here I go! Biden, no! Biden! God, Jordan, don't you love it when President Biden says his famous catchphrase, howdy, howdy, howdy?

Yes, and oh, no, here come some stairs. Because the stairs are coming to him coming at him stairs help me corn pop has never seen an escalator i think that's what that catchphrase is about oh unfortunately love that skeletor who do you think dies first him or jimmy carter wow this is a tough one i mean j mean, Jimmy Carter's resilient as fuck. That guy's out there hammering no matter what. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, will Jimmy Carter be the last president to die?

I feel like Jimmy Carter could get, and knock on wood, I'm not asking this to happen, but I feel like Jimmy Carter could get hit by a car and he'd be protected by his sweaters. Yes. Guys always got some nice sweaters, you know? so it would push them low is what I'm thinking. So we have a long history on Jordan, Jesse, Go of innovative running segments. We ask you to call us and share them with us at 206-984-4FUN or send us a voicemail at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. These are all things that we thought of because we're very creative. Let's take our first call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Josh from Pittsburgh. I have a contribution for your new beloved segment, weird shit that was said behind the scenes during a local production of our town. Great segment. Love this segment. Jordan, you ever been in a local production of our town? I was in my high school production of our town, played Doc Gibbs. Juicy, juicy role. Now we're talking. Kevin, what did you play in our town? I played the guy who runs the cabaret in our town. You did a fucking sexy ass our town.

Oh, yeah. That's your fucking party, Jordan. Sexy our town. Yeah. By the way, your parties do not have to be sexy at all. They just have to be fun. You don't need to be sexy to have fun. No, if you're going to do an our town party, it's got to be sexy.

If there's phosphates involved, it's going to be sexy. I was in my middle school production of Our Town, guys. I played George, which I think is the main character, but I might be getting the character's name wrong. Possible.

I don't remember. I was 12 years old. His name is George Our Town. Our Town is his last name. George Our Town, yes. Yeah, look at us. Three townies over here. Hey. I could really go for a phosphate right now. What do you Yeah, look at us. Three townies over here. Hey.

I could really go for a phosphate right now. What do you think, Jordan? Sure. Yeah, that's from that. The only thing I remember from the whole thing, there's a guy sweeping up and there's phosphates. That's what I remember from our town. And maybe there's an act where everyone's a ghost.

Ghost act? I think so. Yeah, I think there's a ghost act. I think I have, I'm pretty positive I've told this story on the show before. But what is Jordan, Jesse, Go? But a reshuffling of five or six different stories. I mean, I already know this. I'll tell Kevin the story.

Yeah. When Jordan was in our town in high school, there's one of the acts of the show is everybody's a ghost. And Jordan had accidentally killed one of the acts of the show is everybody's a ghost and jordan had accidentally killed one of the cast members the cast member came back during that act and haunted the whole fucking theater it was outrageous orange county fucking crazy place yeah i know everybody wrote it in my yearbook that year yeah remember that fucking ghost thanks for the ghost, asshole. Well, they said hags, but it stood for have a ghost summer? Yeah. Wow.

They wanted that ghost to focus on Jordan, get out of the theater. Jordan's the one that killed him. Anyway, go ahead. So there's a funeral scene, and I didn't have any lines at it, so I just had to mourn. And during the funeral scene, I had to sneeze, but I held it in because I didn't want to lines at it so i just had to mourn and during the funeral scene i had to sneeze but i

held it in because i didn't want to fuck things up and i held it in and started to cry because i was holding down the sneeze and then like backstage everybody's like oh my god you were crying and i totally played it off like i was just acting i totally like yeah it was just so in the moment and people people like talked to me about that like all year I had this prestige as a real actor, but I'm just holding in a sneeze, and I feel shitty about it. I'm confessing here for the ninth or tenth time. Is that also how you got that job hosting the pre-show

for the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards? Oh, I think that was the Fox Teen Choice Awards. Okay, sorry. It was the kids pro choice what i enjoy about this anecdote jordan yes is that it is an involuntary bodily function that you had that was good in your adolescence yeah this is a twist on the old sort of and then something bad happened because of my body. Sure. And then a boner ruined everything.

Yeah. Same thing happened to me when I played a pizza in a high school production. My pimples really lent a hand. Okay, Brian, let's play the rest of that call. This guy, it was Larry. It was our final night. It was near the end of the third act during the funeral scene where the stage manager gives this very long and beautiful speech. And Larry, we're all packed backstage ready to do the funeral scene. And Larry just says, hey, you guys ever see Mighty Ducks 3?

It's pretty good. It's got horses in it. some people call it md3 okay thank you that's good yeah that is good fucking larry man i have not seen i have not seen mighty ducks 3 i watched the original mighty ducks quite a few times as a kid but uh mighty ducks 3 is good it's called it's got horses in've heard. Now, I don't know if you're ready to see the Mighty Ducks again, but now what if they were old and tired looking? Coming on Disney Plus later this year. I can't wait.

Mighty Ducks. Yeah, the exhausted ducks. And I believe Lauren Graham is in that show, famously from Parenthood. Wow. Sounds like an all-star cast. And Evan Almighty. Yes, Sounds like an all-star cast. And Evan Almighty. Yes, it is an all-star cast. They got the band back together.

I can't wait. Estevez? Estevez is there? I'll tell you this about the television program Parenthood. Set in Berkeley, California, definitely shot in Pasadena. 100%. Okay. It is Pasadena.

Pasadena, California. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Sunny D. I'm calling in for your signature segment, secrets you thought you would take to the grave. I would like to confess a secret I am keeping from my partner. We traveled to a different city from our home city of Seattle, We traveled to a different city from our home city of Seattle.

And when we arrived in the other city, we went to the marijuana store, because we're the Seattle king and queen of drugs. And we purchased a bunch of joints, and I was in charge of them, supposed to make sure, you know, we did not bring any home on the plane. And the day that we were leaving, my boyfriend asked me if I had found and disposed of everything. I said yes, I had not. There was two joints missing. And so I just had to hope everything was good. And we got to the airport. My boyfriend is an airline employee who could or would have lost his job if I had been caught.

I didn't think I had anything on me. Smooth sailing. About two weeks after we got home, I found the joints in the bag of knitting supplies. So that is my confession I thought I would take to the grave. Thanks, bye. This is a segment we definitely need more calls on. The Our Town thing is a fun one-off segment.

There's no question about that. If, look, if you have a call for the local things heard backstage at local productions of Our Town, go ahead and call it in. I mean, I don't think you're going to beat the horses. I'm going to be frank with you. I don't know what... Let me be frank. Yeah. Hey, talk about Kevins we all like.

Thanks, Kevin. How could we forget Spacey? Yeah, sure. Kevin, is Kevin Spacey as Bobby Darin there? Could we talk to him? Could we talk to Croonan Spacey? Fly me to the pod. Let me cast a...

Oh, somewhere beyond the pod. That's my song. Have a do-way. Okay, goodbye. Bye. Thanks for coming. Pod and marriage. Pod and marriage.

I'm going to need more calls on secrets I thought I would take to the grave. Because there's no question we can beat accidentally brought marijuana on a plane. I've purposely brought marijuana on a plane. I mean, I don't work for an airline, but I think we've got that beat. I want to hear about at least crank related oh my god yeah you have to up the drugs in every anecdote i'm not saying i'm not saying exclusively that you have to up the drugs i just think it would be one example or did you just you know steal a dvd of the jason statham movie jason statham french maybe you got it from blockbuster and didn't take it back or you put another

movie in the case or something unburden yourselves on jordan jesse go 206-9844 fun or jj go at maximum fun.org what secret did you think you would take to the grave it's a pretty uh-brand Jordan Jesse Go listener to take a trip where you got high and knitted. Yeah. I think that's fair. They probably did a visit of local libraries while they were there.

She said it was her boyfriend that worked for the airline? I think so. Yeah. Okay, well, we... I mean, we all know who that is, right? No, who? I'll give you a hint. He might've performed a miracle on a certain Hudson River. Holy shit. Guys, the boyfriend is clearly Sully. It's Sully.

Sully Sullenberger? Yeah, that's right. The Sully? You know another one? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Maybe there's another Sully. I couldn't tell you.

Not to me, there's not. Maybe there's another Sully. I couldn't tell you. Not to me. There's not. Awake and bake Sully. I just can't imagine how amazing it would be to have a romantic relationship with the Sully Sullenberger. When you know those geese are total narcs, that's why they flew into the freaking engines because they didn't want that weed up in there. Fucking uptight geese. Narcass geese. Narcass geese.

When something momentous happens to you, give us a call, 206-9844-FUN, or hit us up with a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here is one such call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Sunny D. And I'm guessing one of the guys from Auntie Donna. My name is Catherine. I live in Minneapolis and I own a small skincare spa where I specialize in sugaring, which is a form of waxing.

Today I was performing a sugaring service on someone. We were doing something where she was partially undressed. And I had a very loud knock on my door telling me that the building was on fire and that we all had to evacuate. So we had to figure out how to get her dressed and ready to go so we could run out of the building. It turns out that everything is fine. The building was not on fire. It was actually just a car right next to the building, and the fire is out now. But I just wanted to share with you guys that I did some of the craziest things in my professional life today that I ever thought I would do. Thanks.

I love you guys. Love you, too. She loved you guys. A lot of our listeners love us, and we love each and every one of them. It's true. Love is real. Yeah, now I know where to go in Minneapolis next time and need to get my asshole sugared.

Jordan, your asshole's sweet enough already, buddy. That's what you think. It's as sweet as a summer peach. We don't know if that was the part either. Oh, God. 206-984-4FUN, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we're the hosts of

One Bad Mother, a podcast about parenting. Parenting is hard, and we have no advice, but we do see you doing it. Honk if you like to do it. Didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like honk if you did it. That's what it was. I think it was honk if you're doing it. Why did we not ever make those? We did make them. I think they're still in the MaxFun store. Honk honk.

You're doing it. Thanks, Viz. So are you. Each week we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job. You can find us on MaximumFun.org. Honk, honk. Toot, toot. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Strange planets. Curious technology. And a fantastic vision of the distant future. Featuring Martin Starr. So we're going on day 14. Shuttle still hasn't come. Aparna Nancherla. The security system provides you with emotional security. You do the rest. Echo Kellum. Can you disconnect me or not? Hurry Kondabolu. I'm staying. From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Jeffrey McGivern. Could you please Cindy Lauper's girls just want to have fun? It's The Outer Reach.

Stories from beyond. Now available for free at MaximumFun.org or anywhere you listen. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin T. Porter, the queen of nice. Howdy, howdy, howdy.

Kevin Porter having a lot of fun with video conferencing backgrounds. Oh, I'm having a great time. He's showing George W. Bush with the great Ellen DeGeneres. We love her. We love her still. We stan a legend. A legend of kindness. Who would you say top two kindest people in Hollywood? I would say number one, Ellen DeGeneres.

Number two, of course, got gotta go with the dalai lama he's got it overall at nbc he went so hollywood yeah he really sold out oh gracious there was a jennifer garner cover story in the hollywood reporter and the lead for it was the parentheses real Queen of Nice. Isn't that interesting? That's nice. I don't know much about Jennifer Garner. Married to Ben Affleck for a period, I think.

Yes. That was nice of her. Yeah, that's nice. How nice of her to be married. Very nice to marry Ben Affleck for a brief period. Yeah. What else is she doing that is causing the Hollywood Reporter to call her the Queen of Nice? I think she's genuinely folksy.

She's from Oklahoma and I believe was raised in Texas. Okay. She has a farm relief nonprofit that she's pretty involved with. I don't think there's any interview you could find on youtube where you don't think oh she seems really nice after you watch it yeah and trust me i've been watching a lot of them she was on hot ones recently i don't know if this would change your mind kevin uh you know how she has a farm relief non-profit they relieve people of their farms. Oh, no. Oh, I should have read it between the lines. That's not very nice.

Okay, the queen's been dethroned. It's Ellen again. Yay. Oh, goodness, man. I love Jennifer. I need a genissance to happen. Camping was a false start, and we got to get something going.

It's a shame HBO's camping didn't work out. It is a shame. What a great't work out. It is a shame. What a great cast. But the genisance is coming. What does she, she needs a prestige project is I think is what you're saying. Like an HBO series

or something on a streamer. Yeah, like Big Little Lies season three, Fargo season five. Yeah. Get a fricking, yeah, build something around her. Give Reese Witherspoon a break. She doesn't need to adapt every novel into a TV show.

Thank you. I like this Fargo season three thing. Put her in some like dumpy Costco jeans. Yes. Tease her hair. She'll do a voice. People will love it. I'll love it.

Man, I mean, Alias meant a great deal to me as a young man. That was a great show. I loved that show. Can I say something? Yes. I'd love to see her get some of those Costco socks. Okay. Good quality.

Sure. Good value. What else would you like to see her? How about one of those giant things of jelly bellies? A bagel dog. I'd like to see Jen go to town on a bagel dog. All right. God, I would love that.

Something else you could get from Costco. Get her one of those fucking chicken bakes. How about that? It's got that sauce in there. It's about could get from Costco. Get her one of those fucking chicken bakes. How about that? It's got that sauce in there. It's about 1,500 calories. That's a winner. Little bacon chunks. Jennifer Garner would be great with that on FX.

Come on. On FX, yes. That's her prestige. Yeah. Put her on AMC. Give her the chicken bake. We're in business. They'll take a return on anything that's what i'm talking about

here with costco treat their employees well jennifer garner would do great to just go in there and buy the biggest tv they have is this spawn con for costco yeah sorry kevin we tricked you we tricked you into an ad i'm just saying saying, if she did that, and it was a Showtime Sky TV co-production, just Jennifer Garner going in and buying the biggest TV that Costco's got, you wouldn't pay to watch that? Get a nice fucking ream of printer paper? Come on, Jennifer Garner. Hollywood's queen of nice.

Kevin Porter. Yes. You're joining us. You have great podcasts that people should listen to. Oh, sure. I mean, according to some, not everybody. But you can listen to Good Christian Fun wherever you get podcasts. I did a little short couple of seasons of a podcast called Inside Voices

where I talked to people about their speaking voices, people who host podcasts. And then you can always listen to old episodes of Gilmore Guys to keep you warm at night as you binge through that show. Yeah. I'll say this. Every time Kevin Porter comes on Jordan Jesse Go, every time we even touch on the subject matter of Good Christian Fun, his podcast about, it's not about Christianity,

it's about Christian culture. It's about how Christian, various semi-Christian ska bands were. Five Iron Frenzy. Jordan Morris came on the show and talked about that. Yeah, it's the most fun I've ever had in my life. I still regard it as the most fun I've ever had in my life. Wow. And I've had a great life. So. I have to say, every time we touch on those subjects with the great Kevin Porter, there is an explosion from our audience. A fucking, an ocean of a fast-moving, mighty river of interest in Good Christian Fun. And you know what? of interest in Good Christian Fun. And you know what? Every single one of those people who goes and checks out Good Christian Fun, they say, holy shit, this podcast is amazing. I'm going to listen

to this instead of Jordan Jesse Go. So go check out Good Christian Fun. You're going to love it. You're going to love this show, and it will unburden, it will free you of the burden of Jordan and my show as well. So it's a double value. Cast your cares upon our podcast and we will give you rest. Yes, indeed. The great Kevin Porter, what a joy to have you on the program. Thank you again. Our producer on Jordan, Jesse Go, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. He's got one of those little bamboo pots next to him looking great. Always a good decor item. Get yourself one of those little tiny bamboos growing out of a little tiny pot. Very nice stuff there.

My co-host, Jordan Morris. One print, one original behind him on Jordan J.C. Go. And, of course, Kevin Porter coming to us from a discomforting picture of the great Lin-Manuel Miranda. He's doing like a weird sexy face. It's the lit height. It's a jokey sexy face. Hard to say.

Wearing a turtleneck looks great. Handsome man, the great Lin-Manuel Miranda. He created the musical Hamilton and of course the upcoming film In the Heights that I'm excited about because it has my favorite Hamilton guy in it. The little guy. What's his name?

The little guy from Hamilton and She's Gotta Have It, the TV show. He played Spike Lee on She's Gotta Have It, the TV show. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, very fun. Very fun fact. He was great. Yes, very fun fact. Okay great yes very fun fact okay uh our

theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and like the attic records kevin these are visual jokes you alexis bledell number one on the list of most dangerous celebrities okay cyber criminals love love celebrities too think before you click right uh you can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find a picture of young Sheldon behind Kevin Porter. You can find us on Facebook where you should like us. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. Here's Hillary Clinton having a nice iced tea. We'll be back

next week on Jordan Jesse Go. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.