Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 682: Breath Weapon with Charlie Jane Anders

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

Charlie Jane Anders (Victories Greater Than Death novel, Our Opinions Are Correct podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the friendship potential of various kaiju, the shocking but serene photo Jesse stumbled upon on Twitter while he was searching for Ichiro Suzuki highlights, and Little Ceasar's cult status as the ultimate sex symbol. PLUS, Charlie Jane has an amazing new novel out called Victories Greater Than Death!Have you had a karate or other martial arts-related Momentous Occasion? Call us at 206-984-4FUN or email a voice memo to [e-mail]!Get Charlie Jane's amazing novel  Victories Greater Than Death!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm thinking about changing my name to Puddin' Head, you know why? No. Because I ate so much pudding. To be more folksy?

Because I ate so much pudding, because here's the thing i made some pudding right okay it was nanner pudding and i happened to have some wafers i happened to have some nanners it's the way to eat it i saw the banana pudding at the uh i didn't look i didn't make this banana pudding from scratch i made it from a box of banana pudding, but I had nanners and I had wafers and I had caramel sauce and I had butterscotch chips. Were they a little brown? The nanners, were they a little brown? Yeah, they were over the hill. Sure.

And so I said to myself, I'm going to make a classic nanner pudding. Right. Oh, and I had some whipping cream, so I whipped up the whipping cream. Now, did you ever think about calling it banana pudding and not nanner pudding? Just a suggestion. Jordan, so the reason, and thank you for helping with, I can clarify that. So the reason that you would, that you call it nanner pudding is because you put a bunch of nanners in there. You slice them up and you drop them into that pud. Okay. All right. I'll, hey, listen, you do your thing. Okay.

Thank you. So I whipped the whipping cream. I put that on top. I put some of those butterscotch chips that I happen to have in there. I put some caramel on top, put those wafers in there. I had some very nice gluten-free wafers made by KT in the MaxFun office. She made them for my wife for her birthday. My wife can't eat wheat. What a lovely gift. KT is a very thoughtful woman. And there were some that were

at this point, my wife's birthday was about a week ago. So I was like, this is the time to put them in a nanner pudding rather than eat them straight. You know what I mean? But many of them had been eaten. I want to be clear. They were wonderful. And so I made up a nice nanner pudding. And my youngest, Frankie, said, why would I not make it with chocolate? It's decusting. Man, you got dragged, my friend. I did. You got dragged. Next time I see Frankie, I'm going to say. I did. You got dragged.

Next time I see Frankie, I'm going to say- The reading that Frankie gave me. Yeah. I'm going to give Frankie a retroactively, go off, King. Thank you. Thank you. You know, Jesse, get the kid in here. Let me say, go off, King. I'll go wake him up.

Yes, drag your father. We all dream to someday drag our fathers, huh? Yes. To drag our fathers. And cancel our mothers. Give our mothers a go-off queen. Yes. Gale, you're canceled.

Yeah, there was. That's Jordan's mom. She's a lovely woman. She'll never be canceled. She really is. She's a now, now retired, uh, lactation nurse. Is that correct? Is she now retired? Yes. Now retired. Yeah. Congratulations, Gail. Uh, I hope you enjoy your retirement with Brad. Um, so, uh, I, I, I ate my pudding with my whipped cream on top, you know? Yeah. Now the exaggerated WH sound you do, that's pure Stewie from Family Guy fandom. Is that what that is?

Is that a tribute to your favorite character, Stewie? I mean, talk about a king going off. Stewie! I know, right? This guy's wild. He's got a football for a head. Sure. That's the guy with the football for a head right that is yeah okay i couldn't remember if that was stewie from family guy or like one of the the very weird ambersons or what are those called the magnificent ambersons

orson wells is famously uh tinkered with movie that the studio got a hold of no it's the- Orson Welles' famously tinkered with movie that the studio got ahold of? No, it's the one, the very weird something or other. You know, I can see why you would confuse the Magnificent Ambersons and Family Guy because they both do all those cutaways. Yeah, exactly. That are like kind of random.

There's a lot of really intense low angles. Right, yeah. Heavily sound designed because of a background in radio. And the Magnificent Ambersons, they're talking about, oh, the automobile is coming, and then they just do a scene from the 80s Battlestar Galactica. It's with all their characters. I ate all my pudding, Jordan.

Yeah. I served myself a healthy dad-sized serving of pudding. Right. With a mighty dollop of cream atop. Okay? Mm-hmm. A mighty dollop atop. I ate it as a shop vac might eat a bowl of pudding.

Like you just put your mouth around the bowl like a lamprey. You opened your mouth. Exactly. And just tilted your head back and let it all fall down your throat. That's the way to do it. Many have compared me to a lamprey in the past, but never so aptly. And then... I paint with my words.

Go on. Here's this little... Here's this other bowl of pud. And I mean, sure, is it pudding? You should say pudding. Go ahead. Is it decusting? Well, it doesn't have any chocolate in it.

Yeah. So yeah, of course it's decusting. Sure. I went ahead and took care of that bowl of pud too. Nice. So by weight, you know how they say our bodies are 96% water? They say that. I don't believe it, but go ahead. They say a lot of things. Well, you're only using 3% of your brain, Jordan, so you wouldn't know. Sure. My body is 74% banana pudding right now. How do you think that'll affect your performance on today's podcast?

I mean, it's already sort of hurt that performance pretty badly. I think it's going great. I think this is... I've been talking about this pudding now, Jordan, for eight minutes. We're eight minutes into the show. We have not touched on a topic other than this pudding that I ate too much of, unless you count lampreys. And I don't. Right.

They're a myth. Wow. Classic lamprey erasure. Sorry. I'm a lamprey truther. See, this podcast is going great, Jesse. This is the one we should submit for the iHeart Podcast Awards. I hope we beat the Office Ladies this year.

I just want to beat the Office Ladies for the iHeart Podcast Awards. Angela Kinsey, my greatest enemy. Yeah. I'll show you who can recap the office. Oh, man. I don't know what that means. Yeah, anyway, let's get to our episode of The Office. Michael Scott did something that made everyone else uncomfortable.

He sure did. Now let's talk Kevin moments. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Oh, God. I've watched that show. I should have more polls about that. Kevin spilled the chili. Everybody likes that. Kevin spilled the chili.

Everybody likes it when Kevin spilled the chili. Anyway. Everyone likes The Office because it's such a great show. Should I have a question that's just nagging me, that's just nagging me to death, and I think our guests can help. Okay, great. I was about to say, let's open this up.

Let's open this up to our guests because nobody, Jordan, can answer a question like a guest. That's just reality. It's what they do. Our guest is an acclaimed novelist, a celebrated podcaster. On the podcast, our opinions are correct. A winner of the Hugo, the Nebula, the Lambda Literary, and the Emperor Norton Awards. The Emperor Norton, do you know who Emperor Norton is, Jordan? This is the guy who believed himself to be the emperor of San Francisco in the late 19th and early 20th century.

No, I've never heard of this man. Yeah, he's a celebrated figure in San Francisco history. Her latest book is called Victories Greater Than Death. In stores recently from TOR Teen. Please welcome Charlie Jane Anders. Hi, Charlie Jane. Hi. Thank you so much for having me. Such a thrill.

How would you, relative, to what extent would you say you are lamprey-like? I'm at like 90%. I am. So, it's funny you mention that because like my partner, Anna Lee, who also does Our Opinions Are Correct with me, Anna Lee has been making this incredible banana bread, which by the way, the last time they made it had chocolate chips and cocoa powder in it. So it was actually a chocolate banana, chocolate chip banana bread. Just to up the chocolate quotient.

I think, you know, certain individuals would be very interested to hear that and uh i basically just like ate half of it in like about 30 seconds it was just like it just disappeared that doesn't sound disgusting at all it was the opposite of disgusting it was like it was delightful and i just like it just vanished into like my maw like i didn't have a mouth anymore i had a maw jesse i think. Jesse, I think your pudding sounded good. It sounds great. I'm here for banana pudding. I am here for it.

I'm on record as thinking that banana bread is a garbage food. What? Because it's literally made with garbage. No. And I think if you have overripe bananas, you should put them in your freezer and use them for a smoothie sometime. You just made a pudding out of them, Jesse. This is a classic, classic double standard.

Smoothies. Oh, my God. You're defending smoothies. Everybody knows that smoothies are like the devil's sludge. The devil's slurry. Let me say this. Smoothies are the devil's sludge. The devil's slurry. Let me say this. Smoothies are the devil's sludge. The devil lives at Jamba Juice, Jesse.

Pretty much. It is a portal to hell. Every Jamba Juice. That is where demons come from. I want to say this. I think I shared this opinion on Judge Sean Hodgman or something some years ago. And needless to say, there's a lot of real banana bread nuts out there. And first of all,

I'm not trying to take your garbage food away from you. Well, thank you. As an American, I feel like I'm entitled to eat whatever garbage I want. Thank you. I wouldn't call them nuts either, Jesse. I don't. Do as you please with your dessert that, while extraordinarily high in calories, as high in calories as many desserts that taste good, is nonetheless treated as though it is an acceptable thing to eat for, like, breakfast.

But I will say this. You put some chocolate chips in there and I'm on board i don't know why that okay okay peace we have found peace peace in our time a peace has been formed between us we have found common ground my passion for chocolate chips is unsurpassed in any other i I love chocolate chips more than my wife. I'm not supposed to eat chocolate, but I don't care. You put some chocolate chips in that. It's like muffins. Muffins are the same deal.

Muffins are like really bad for you. And they're not as good as eating cake or pie. You know what I mean? So I'm. But you put some fucking chocolate chips in a muffin. Yeah, fuck it. I'll eat that. Sure.

Give me one of those giant Costco ones. Oh, yeah. If Aang had had chocolate chips, the Fire Nation and the Earth Nation and everybody would have been at peace in like episode two of that show. I swear to God. This is an Avatar, The Last Airbender situation, Jordan. Yes, yes. I think I knew that. The Last Chocolate Bender.

If he'd been The Last Chocolate Bender, there would have been no problem. Oh, boy. My nine-year-old daughter loves the M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Last Airbender. Nothing but contempt for the anime avatar, The Last Airbender. Kids are weird.

The despised movie, the broadly despised movie, she is all in on the almost universally beloved legendary anime, just thinks it's garbage. Just cannot stand it. No idea why. I don't understand. Neither of them are for me. I'll be clear.

Charlie Jane, I was listening to your your great podcast speaking of um thank you speaking of matters of matters of nerd shit yeah finally we're getting to this on our show jordan yeah i thought it'd be time a nice time to take a little detour from recapping the office to talk about some nerd shit uh i wanted to ask a little bit about your discussion on Kaiju that you had. And if you were, because it was a very in-depth discussion. I found it fascinating.

I learned a lot about Kaiju. And I wanted to know if you had any thoughts on the upcoming Godzilla v. Kong Kaiju that I think will be out as of this podcast, but is not out currently. Do you have any thoughts leading up to this movie? I mean, I hope that they finally find love. I hope that they finally admit their love for each other

and that, you know, they're finally able to just like, you know, share something beautiful and real and moving that can, you know, unite the two worlds of Kaiju once and for all. I feel like that's what we're all hoping for, really. I mean, you know. Charlie Jane, I have a question. Can Godzillas kiss?

I mean, do they have lips? I don't think they really have lips. I mean, I feel like Ghidorah can make out with himself because he's got three heads so gatora doesn't need anybody else you can just like have like a three-way makeout session excuse me i have a search on deviant art to do i'll be i'll be back in 15 to 20 minutes you know king gatora the reason why he's the king is because he doesn't need anybody else to get his switch on, basically. Yeah, the king Frenches himself. You know, I mean, the real thing is, do you want to fall in love with someone who has a breath weapon?

Like, seriously, breath weapon. When you hear about breath weapon, does breath weapon go with love in your mind? Do those two things go together? Yeah, I mean, I think obviously, you know, like, you know, it's different in your 20s, but when you get a little older, you want to ask a couple key questions on that first date. You know, one, do you want kids? Right. And two, do you utilize a breath weapon?

Yeah. You know, if you breathe on me, what's going to happen? What's going to happen? You know, if, you know, what's your morning breath like? Sure. What's your afternoon breath like? You know, just different times of day and I don't know whether you're going to melt if you're close to this person. Are there any foods I should avoid feeding you such as tacos?

Yeah. That's key to the story of the book Dragons Love Tacos, Jordan. Oh, I don't think I've. Is that a kaiju story? My memory of this story is that when they eat the tacos they breathe fire okay that makes total sense actually that makes absolute sense that does make sense no no need to investigate that further i will take it as actually uh that's actually canon um i don't know if you guys have read the upcoming george rr martin book but uh that's in there there's tacos i mean you mean, you know, I think Westeros

could really use some better food. Like he describes food for like hundreds of pages and it's all this like boring medieval times food. It's like capons. Who the hell ate capons? Yeah. Nobody eats capons. Let those roosters have their balls. Is that what a capon is? I think it is, something like that. I don't even know. It's just a, you know, it's like cape-on and keep calm and cape-on. I don't know. That was a terrible joke. That was terrible, terrible, terrible.

That's their motto in Westeros. Everybody's apartment in their mid-20s had that poster, keep calm and cape-on. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. But you know, I just, I feel like people in Westeros, like if they could just get a freaking pizza, just like one pizza. Right, maybe they wouldn't be so murderous if they just had access to cheesy tots.

Their idea of a fun time is like a pie full of live birds, which are poisoned, but also live birds. You know what king I think could unite the kingdoms little caesar little caesar for sure yeah pizza pizza you know i mean hot and ready just bring pepperoni to the north sure they'd be so in you know i have friends for whom little caesar is like the ultimate sex symbol like they will not stop with like the like pizza pizza is like the the words of like sexiness and and basically foreplay hold charlie jane hold on i have a deviant art search to do you know it is interesting because i think i mean maybe i read a maybe an expanded version of the winds of winter. But I do think there is precedent for little Caesars being in Westeros

because there is that scene where the mad King invents crazy bread. Yeah. Right. Oh yeah. Thank you. That's why he is the mad King. Hold on Jordan. What is it?

I'm going to write that down and send it to the president. Hey Joe, got another one for you. Hey's me jesse i'm back again with another funny thing my friend jordan said um charlie j can i back up to little caesars being a sex symbol what is it about little caesars that your friends find sexy. He's got the little outfit, you know. He's got the little outfit. He's got the little, like, laurel leaves. He's carrying pizzas on a spear, right?

You know, which is a baller way to carry pizzas. And also kind of sexual if you think about it. I mean, come on. It is. And I now will. Like, get that image in your head. And it's, like, it's kind of it's kind of dirty and like you know they just this became a meme among this friend group i was in um and it

just you know it kind of went out of control the whole little caesar's you know sexy time meme i don't know like everyone to each their own really i mean god yeah you, call me crazy. I've always thought the, the, the sexiest restaurant mascot was the chili from Chili's. Sure. Oh, what about Burger King? Come on. Burger King is fucking hot. Am I allowed to say the F-bomb? Burger King, man. No, you can say the F-bomb if it's in relation to, to the Burger King. I mean, you know, so Burger King gave us the, what I think was the kinkiest thing ever to appear on the internet, which was the subservient chicken. Do you remember the subservient chicken? No, please do tell. But back when the internet was fun, there was this thing that Burger King put up that was like the subservient chicken. And it was a guy in a chicken costume. And they had, I guess, filmed him doing every possible thing you could do.

And you could just type orders and the subservient chicken would do whatever you told it. And no, you couldn't tell it to do anything like really filthy or weird. It would just like come back with like a weird snarky response if you try to actually get it to like you know do something really bizarre but but the subservient chicken was basically like the internet's servant it was like the entire internet had like a bdsm relationship with a guy at a chicken costume thanks to burger king and like i'm surprised more people don't remember this it is interesting because right even though the chicken wasn't programmed to do anything sexually explicit, it leads the imagination down a certain hallway. If someone said, this chicken will do whatever you say, you know, the human mind goes there.

We're sexual animals. There's got to be a community out there. There's like a fetish community for people who like fixated on the subservient chicken and that's now their, their thing. This is going to get us all of our men. Cheese for two weeks after this, we are going to be deluged with sexy fast food mascot fan art. This is what you get for having me.

Can I say Jordan? RIP our men. Cheese. RIP our munchies. RIP. Yes, exactly. I i actually uh i had a situation happen to me just like an hour and a half ago i was wait i was in my daughter's room

you know like lights out waiting for her to fall asleep just totally like normal situation just hanging out sitting on a stool in a room looking at my phone waiting for my kid to fall asleep and uh i was looking at twitter and i had a a few weeks ago in spring training uh the baseball player ichiro su Suzuki, Ichiro, who's 45 or six, something like that, took live batting practice in spring training. He's a coach now, roving instructor, whatever. But he went in and in his street clothes and took some swings and basically looked exactly like he did for the 20 years that he was in Major League Baseball. And I had searched for Ichiro because I wanted to see and share this amazing clip of this 7,000-year-old man looking like a real professional baseball player.

And Ichiro's an amazing, insane person. And so I thought to myself, I saw it in my, I hit search to look for something else. I saw Ichiro in the pull down of past searches. And I said, you know what I'd like to do right now? Just watch some old videos of Ichiro doing something fun. You know, I bet if I tap on Ichiro right now, I will get something super, super fun. So I tapped on Ichiro and I got a picture of. I mean, what I'm going to do is I Charlie Jane, I don't have your phone number, but I probably need Jordan's help to describe the photograph that appeared um i'm using photograph pretty loosely but i'm jordan i'm gonna text this uh i'm gonna text this over to you okay i'll get my phone by the way oh my okay uh so this is a um and this was the top result this was not in latest this was in top this is

just most clicked upon yeah number two is the time ichiro hit an inside the park home run in the all-star game that's exactly what i want to look at when When I search for Ichiro on Twitter, I just want to see a clip of him hitting an inside the park home run during the All-Star game. The only time anyone ever did that. So great. It's a delight. It was a joy. Love to see that.

The top result, though, Jordan, how would you characterize this? So the caption says, so there's some text in French. Yeah. And then the caption, Zed wouldn't try with Ichiro. Yeah. She is not disappointed. Blue heart. And then there are two characters that look like kind of delisters from the Sonic the Hedgehog universe.

You know how like Sonic the Hedgehog games have been coming out since we were kids and we haven't played any of them and now they've amassed this giant cast of animal people? They look like those. Yeah, they are rendered, Jordan, I want to make this clear, they're rendered in a style that I can only describe as lowest budget children's television. Sure, yes. Like a show that's television. Sure. Yes. Like a show that's imported from Holland. Right. And they are in a, actually a really beautiful living room.

The core I would describe as mid-century modern, you know, a little gauche. I mean, everybody's doing it, I guess, but they have some lovely pieces in here. Are there napkins on the sides of the couch? Does it have like little couch napkins? Because that's like to me is like. I don't see.

It is kind of cut off at one of their knees. It looks like, Jordan, I want to clarify for Charlie Jane. It looks like there's no napkins or doilies on the sofa. I would characterize, and this is going to get to what Jordan's about to talk about, they could probably use some. Right, because they are engaged in a sex act. Zedwin, I imagine, he's purple. He has a giant purple penis.

And Ichiro is... Jordan, I want to be clear. I want to talk for a moment about this penis. Right. Now, remember, one of these is yellow. One of them is purple. Right. The yellow one looks maybe like a horse a horse person but round-faced yeah they are just kind of general

animal people i don't know that they're based on any animals in particular um they have pretty human bods but i'm not jungle jack hannah over here so yeah now i i should clarify i am jungle jack hannah oh cool i murdered jesse and i live in his stead cool the dong on this blue guy is about i mean this is obviously there's a virtual world it's got this beautiful view of these beautiful trees right the dong on this blue guy is gotta be it's a about one Pringles can. I think that's fair. Like the grocery store kind. And she

she's a top it like she was engaging in flagpole sitting. Sure. The 1920s fraternity prank. That's also a hell of a sex position. Yeah, she's, for all I know she's wearing a raccoon coat. She's also a hell of a sex position. Yeah. For all I know, she's wearing a raccoon coat.

She's headed to the dance-a-thon. Right. So, yeah. So, I guess this is, so I guess this baseball player name is also what I imagine to be a series of kind of pornographic animal cartoons. Like furry porn. Yeah. I mean, I would cartoons. Like furry porn. Yeah, I mean, I would care. Furry porn, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

I think that is, it does seem to be that genre. But is furry porn, is there a type of furry porn, and I don't know if either of you guys know this, is there a type of furry porn where the animals are indistinct? Like, is that a thing? Like, like i know i've i've seen and talked to furries who who play as a certain kind of animal like i'm a cat right i'm a wolf whatever but that's picking an animal seems like an important part of it and these are perhaps the most indistinct creatures i've ever seen in my life so you're saying that the

lack of taxonomy is is really what's what's kind of a problem here well what i'm wondering is is there a type of furry who's like i'd like to look at some pornography that sort of seems like sonic if sonic had a human body and was less clearly a hedgehog and sonic is not clearly a hedgehog. And Sonic is not clearly a hedgehog. Sonic doesn't look anything like a fucking hedgehog. But these look less like whatever they're supposed to look like than anything else. But what's nice about it is, to me, big picture window and some magnificent redwoods outside.

Well, that's awesome. It is. That's a great backdrop. Yeah. The care with which their environment was designed is really amazing. It's almost like more care was taken designing the environment than was taken designing the characters. Do you think Zedwin ever try with any other Japanese baseball players? You think Zedwin try with Shinjo?

Well, if he does, she is not disappointed. Blue heart. Okay. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, Jordan, every episode of Jordan Jesse Goh is brought to our listeners by our listeners, the members of Maximum Fun, the folks who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. Max Fun drives right around the corner. And Jordan, you know what I'm doing right now?

What? I am saluting the listener member of MaximumFun.org. It's true. Every single one of them. I'm doing the salute. I can see it on theorg. It's true. Every single one of them. He's doing it. I can see it on the Zoom. It's true. They can hear it in my voice.

This week's show also brought to you by our friends at Libby. Libby, of course, is an app for your phone, your tablets, your computer, your Kindle. And Jordan, you've got this on your phone right now. You went to go grab your phone so you could give us a little guide. Yeah, Libby, here's what it is. It is a free reading app created by OverDrive that lets you borrow e-books and audio books from your library. It's totally free. I got it.

I've been loving my Libby app. Here's what I've been listening to on the Libby. I did True Grit, the classic Western. I've always been I've always meant to read that. And I've been listening to the great audio book. And our buddy Josh Gondelman's book was available at my local library. at my local library. Josh Gondelman, hilarious guy. His book, Nice Try, I got from my local library. Obviously, I think your Libby selection will depend on what's available at your local library. But if they have it, you can Libby it. Yeah. If you're in Maine, it's all book. It's all boat building.

It's like the only thing they have. It's all boat building. It's like, OK, well, fair enough. You know, everybody wants to build a boat. We know we're pretty sure that if you're listening to this show, you have a library card. But even if you don't, you can read samples of any book you see. Works just like the physical library. You borrow available books you want to read, and then they return themselves automatically after your loan expires.

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coffee. And I did. And not only was the coffee hit with my wife, but it came with a note that said, hey, I saw your order on the table. And I'm a big Max Funster. And I'm a Jordan Jesse Go listener. I was like, holy cow, this is amazing. So I wrote to this guy, his name's Jesse, just like me. And he's like, yeah, it's true. And I said, let's trade some spots on MaxFun for coffee for our hosts and for our office, back when our office was a going concern. And actually, so many MaxFunsters ordered the coffee that this company that literally did not have a marketing budget, created a marketing budget to buy some more spots on MaxFun because people and people loved it. Like every single person.

I have gotten zero negative feedback about Ruby Coffee. It's all just like, yes, this coffee is amazing. Linda Holmes emailed me about it. Linda Holmes, that's a celebrity that moves the needle in the MaxFun audience. It's really great. I'll even shout out their instant coffee i know uh instant coffee is is kind of a dirty word uh when you're saying it to a a coffee person but um i've tried it it's awesome really good you can do it hot you can do it ice super easy uh yeah i i recommend it i like a ruby a lot

and we think you'll like it a lot too here's what's what you do. You go to RubyCoffeeRoasters.com and use JJGO, and you get 20% off your first shipment of any subscription or 15% off a one-time purchase. Yeah. Well, let's get back to the show. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Charlie Jane, we should have told you that you're supposed to introduce yourself, but what Kaiju nickname would you like to choose? Oh, man. I'm Charlie Jane Anders, and I'm just going to stick to King Ghidorah because I love King Ghidorah and it's my partner's favorite Kaiju

and I just love King Ghidorah. So I'm going to say I'm the King Ghidorah of podcasting because I multitask. Yeah. You know what? Honestly, I feel like the Ghidorah podcasting because I multitask. Yeah. You know what? I honestly, I feel like the Ghidorah monarchy is bullshit. I think we need a Ghidorah democracy. How can you say that? A real Ghidorah democracy, not a bullshit, you know, head of state, prime minister situation.

I think we need a fully elected Ghidorah government. So you're not up for a constitutional Kaiju monarchy or anything like that? We should be able to choose, the people should be able to choose their own three-headed leaders. You know, as long as it's like in the constitution that the leaders have to have three heads, I mean, you know, okay, then that seems like a workable compromise. Like, you know, it's all about compromises, which is how we ended up with the glorious political system we have in our country, where we just like, there were some people who had reasonable demands

and some people who had completely unreasonable demands, and we just sort of split the difference. And so, you know, as long as the leaders have three heads and a breath weapon, and, you know, are huge, basically like giant, like I think, yeah, sure, we can open it up a little bit we can have like we can have some some competition i don't know i feel like i also am willing to vote for a two-headed leader who just ate something super stank like a bunch of anchovies oh god jesse i'm sick of you moderates i'm sick sick of you fence-sitting moderates. No change is going to happen like that.

This is not how we get change. This is why people don't believe in the system. We need to find middle ground. We need peace. Oh, so here's this kaiju question that I still wanted to ask Charlie Jane. Okay. I'm ready. Godzilla V-Kong, it's coming out.

I'm getting all sorts of like kind of like when I look at my Google News, I'm getting all sorts of like kind of like when I look at my Google News I'm getting all sorts of like clickbait about it you know like new trailers is that you know is there a secret character that's gonna be in it all this stuff and one posed a question that I have been thinking about since I read it and I wanted to get your feeling on it it was a clickbait article and it and it just says uh godzilla versus kong who's the better friend oh my god better friend to who i don't know i have not clicked on this thing because i liked it as a chunk of writing you know and it's one of those things that i didn't want to spoil by like going into it because i think it's just okay let's hear it i do have an answer please clearly godzilla is the better friend okay clearly because gojira

is friends with a bunch of the other you know monsters gojira is often friends with mothra gojira hangs out on monster island and is like a community leader. Gojira brings other kaiju together and like benevolently leads them into like a new era of protectiveness and kindness. And, you know, Gojira is a good parent to like baby Gojira. That's true. And I just feel like way better friend whereas king kong pretty much all king kong ever does is find some human-sized woman or you know young like teenage girl slash woman to kind of you know carry around and inappropriately you know kidnap and and i don't even know i don't even i don't want to get into it but i feel like there's some really disturbing metaphors with King Kong. And I feel like for sure Gojira is the better friend. I mean, for sure.

If Gojira was going to kidnap anyone, it would be completely appropriately. It would be so appropriate. Gojira would do it for the best reasons. If Gojira wanted to borrow 50 bucks, I'd be like, here you go, man. I know you're good for it. And here's the thing about Gojira. He's got a truck and he'll help you move. Yeah, exactly. He're good for it. And you know, here's the thing about Gojira. He's got a truck and he'll help you move. Yeah, exactly. He's there for you. Isn't Gojira the, first of all, I just want to celebrate our smooth transition

into using the Japanese pronunciation of Godzilla. Well, there you go. Yeah, happy to, you know. I think that proves that we're not filthy casuals. Isn't, I thought Godzilla was got was godzilla jr's mom i thought that's what elliot calen told me that's this is why i said parent rather than father when i was talking about gojira because like it's very ambiguous it really depends on which movie you look at and like gojira kind of transcends gender just like just like gojira

transcends like so many other human categories like pretty much our like limited human understanding of like what it is to be alive cannot encompass gojira it's just it's not possible gojira transcends so many human categories from gender to scaliness to fire-breathing miss. Gojira stomps on our preconceptions, just stomps them into us. Like they were a tiny train model. Like they were a piece of banana bread, you know? Just squish.

Anyway. Jordan, which one do you think is a better friend? Yeah, no, I mean, mean i think here's the thing when you're with kong and you're talking to him it's like he's just waiting for you to get done so he can tell his story you know yes he never asks you about you you know he just like how are you doing and then like he had a thing you know he was going to talk about and he just kind of like lays it on you and then you know you go home and you had a nice time but you're like does that guy know does that guy know anything about me you know it's one of those so he's like you know he said he's interesting he's a cool guy but honestly he's just like so in his head yeah i kind of think k Kong wants it more. Like Kong ultimately, he's like, it would be great to be a real human, you know.

But my nature keeps tearing me away from it. Sure. My savage nature. Yeah, I buy that. Whereas I think Godzilla just doesn't want to be bothered. Godzilla's like, I am doing my thing. Stop dropping nuclear weapons on me. Right, yes.

Reasonable. A reasonable request. I am a metaphor for your hubris, man. Yeah, I feel like King Kong is more like a metaphor for entertainment. He's just like always being dragged on stage and forced to entertain people and you know and he's just like he's basically like every reluctant like superstar who's just like man i'd paparazzi just leave me alone man but they secretly crave like it's like there's there's all those all those stars who are like

oh no no don't you know don't take my picture. But here, this is my good side. I think we're really drawing a picture of King Kong specifically as Sean Penn. Right. Oh, God. Just inappropriate kidnapping, camera shy. I'm not getting that out of my head. That is my head from now on. There's that, like, King Kong's writing novels now?

Oh, God. He did that interview with El Chapo where he knew he didn't know what he was doing. Oh, my God. OK. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call. 206-9844-FUN. Or send us a voice memo at JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We have a momentous occasion call right here and now.

MaximumFun.org. We have a momentous occasion call right here and now. This would be a momentous moment of shame. Tonight, my chimney caught on fire because I hadn't cleaned it enough times this year. And we had to call 911 and have the fire people come out and in the meantime I had to climb up on the roof of the garden hose and pour water into the chimney but I had had back surgery four weeks ago which was part of the reason I hadn't cleaned the chimney all winter and it was just a great cock-up. And fortunately, we still have our house, but only just barely.

And yeah, momentous moment of shame. This is a real cock-up. Yeah, sounds like a cock-up to me. Sorry. Pointless points for using cock-up. I'm like, where is Dick Van Dyke when we need him? Like, he should be getting up in that chimney. And, you know, I think it's the situation where he's telling us the story and he's like it was a cock up and he wants us to say no no no it wasn't a cock up dude it was a cock up sorry

uh hello you cocked up sorry you cocked up poor guy uh a back surgery, you cocked up. Poor guy. Hey, back surgery guy, quit cocking up. You know what he should have done to his chimney? He should have cocked it up. Yeah, he should have caulked it. Caulked. Oh, yeah, yeah. That would have been a caulk up. Is this our folksiest episode ever?

We've had a fireplace emergency, banana pudding story, and then 30 minutes of kaiju. Yeah, this is basically a pie cooling on a windowsill. I'm getting a warm feeling right now. A warm, warm feeling. Me too. A chicken in every pot and a monster at every door. Right. Yes.

That's Ghidorah's campaign slogan. Right. When he has to run for like- It's the platform he ran on. Yeah. A hundred days into the Ghidorah presidency, did he keep his campaign promises? Let's take another call hey jordan jesse go uh this is luke from lancaster ohio and no i'm not calling about wario sauce i'm calling

with a momentous occasion that i was going down the bike path and a small child of maybe five or six years of age uh was coming the other direction. She tried to get over. I don't know why, because there's plenty of room for both of us. But she did, which ultimately ended with her falling 15 feet off the side of the bike path and into a body of water. And therefore, I sprang into action and jumped off the side and got her out as she was completely underwater. So that was pretty cool. Good thing I was there, I guess.

But I guess at the same time, it's probable, I'll say. I don't know. So it just happened. Back on my bike ride. Talk to you later. Thanks. Well, yeah, I just want to say to our caller, you cocked up for good. Back on my bike ride. Talk to you later. Thanks. Well, yeah, I just want to say to our caller, you cocked up for good.

Yeah. This guy cocked up for good. Oh, man. That story was a roller coaster. It sure was. That was a roller coaster. I was like falling off my chair. Oh, man. Yeah.

This guy cocked up to begin with, and then he cocked down. Sure. He uncocked. That's when you repair your cock up. He de-cocked. He de-cocked. Yeah. I can only presume. Look, I don't know exactly what the opposite, the antonym of cocked up is. I'd have to ask Helen Zaltzman. Sure. She's our friend from the Word podcast.

Sure. It's our friend from the Word podcast. But that's not, I think this is our first, is this our first rescue of all the, you know, we've been doing this for years and, you know, it's hard to find original momentous occasions that we haven't done or that aren't like variations. Yeah, I think this is our first rescue, right? Yeah, we've never had a karate one.

That's true, yeah. So. I mean, I'm throwing up. I'm just clarifying. There are some still available. Right. Yeah. So we'd love to get a call if you avenge the murder of your sensei. Yeah.

Oh, for sure. Gorgeous. And you know what? It doesn't have to be karate. It could be spin jitsu from Lego Ninjago. It could be. It could be Jim Cotta. Jordan, that's karate kills.

Gymnastic skills. Yes. Let's say, listeners, let's say you're in the village of the crazies. Yeah, hypothetically. And the crazies have you on the run. And you happen to find a pommel horse. And you really kick some crazy tail. Give us a call.

2 0 6 9 8 4 4 fun. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Olympic, uh, not Olympic champion, world champion.

Kurt Thomas didn't do as well in the Olympics. Uh, give us a call. Send us a voice memo. JJ, go at maximum fun.org. Jim caught a star. Kurt Thomas,

Olympic gymnast, unsuccessful, but did wellumFun.org. Gymkata star, Kurt Thomas, Olympic gymnast. Unsuccessful, but did well in the world championships. So what do you, okay. I have another question that I'm thinking of now. Who's the dreamiest gymnast? Well, I got to go Kurt Thomas. I was going to say alien or predator. Who's the better friend?

Oh, wow. Thank you. Predator. Who's the better friend? For sure, predator who's for sure predator i mean you know you had that chamber what what's your what's your logic i mean predators are just like i don't know they're all about honor and courage and hunting together like predators actually care about each other and like in the first alien versus predator there's the main character whose name i now can't remember gets helps to defeat the alien and becomes an honorary predator she's given like special predator scars and given like predator armor and stuff and they're like you aren't one of us now yeah like the predators actually have a really cool society where they actually you know they

actually stick together and care about each other whereas the aliens are just like dicks yeah like all they want to do is go around you know it's all about expansion just expanding you know laying waste yeah and like whatever species is on the planet all alien all the aliens want to do is just like use up all the ky jelly because like if you ever watch an alien movie they're just like basically an entire factory with okay like ky jelly has gone into like the alien drool and like they are a looped up species they're like the lube hoarders they're like the hoarders of lube and all they do is go around like fucking shit up and they don't care and like you know i mean they i guess they care about their little eggs because that's the plot of aliens but no definitely predator way better friend much better friend okay charlie jane follow-up question here who's a better friend the sand snake from dune or the sand snake from

tremors oh what oh my god the graboids the graboids versus sandworms man mean, I feel like the Sand Snake from Dune, like Kyle MacLachlan rides that thing. He rides it all the way home. And like, I feel like they have a special connection and he just like has this giant worm between his legs and it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Doesn't mean anything. Zero symbolism. This isn't an Ichiro situation. There's no symbolism. He's just riding a giant freaking worm on his way to take out like codpiece wearing sting does not mean anything there's no this movie is not even remotely sexual in any way nope um if you read something into it you're a sicko okay one one last question okay this one is open to Charlie, Jane, and Jordan.

Zedwin, try Kyle MacLachlan? I think anybody would try Kyle MacLachlan. I mean, are you real? Come on. I met him once. He was delightful. He's a delightful guy. Yeah.

We would not be disappointed. He meditates, and he just radiates. I don't know. Did you guys see that part of How To with John Wilson, where it's just a long shot of Kyle McLaughlin trying to get his MetroCard to work? That's funny. Just swiping it a bunch of times. He's just like, oh, man, it demagnetized.

I hate when that happens. Dude's having a great late career. Kyle McLaughlin, who's leaning into their deal more than him? Keanu, I guess Keanu's doing it a little bit harder But, you know, there's room There's room for all sorts of silver foxes out there Nobody works it harder than Keanu

I think everybody probably knows this already about Keanu But I read this book about the 1999 is the best movie year. And obviously, I think 1999 is the best movie year because I was 18 and all I did was go to the movies. But it is a great movie year. And The Matrix is one of the movies that came out that year. So I read an entire chapter of a book about The matrix. And one of the things I learned is that you know all those... I mean, you guys, Jordan, you have a literature degree. I don't know if this happens in literature, but in American studies, you're constantly being told

to read books based on how they informed the matrix. And I don't want to read, you know, Walter Benjamin or whatever. These are things my mom did so that I wouldn't have to. My mom is a college professor. And so I resent all of these books. But Keanu read all these books for fun. There's all these parts about how Keanu would show up at this bookstore on his motorcycle and just buy like five Foucault books and then take them home and read them all.

I bet. I bet that. I can see that about Keanu. He's not like, you know, somebody's like telling you about a book or something and you're like, eh, you read a summary or you read a couple of pages. You clearly. That's me, buddy. Sure. That's not Keanu. Keanu's done the reading. He's done the analysis.

Oh my God. Yeah. The real deal. I can absolutely believe it. He's a really smart guy. I mean, I would love... I've never met him, but I'd love to meet him. He's just... He's so... He seems like he's just so kind of chill. Yeah. I mean, don't fuck with fuck with his dog but don't fuck with his dog for sure but you know he did that movie always be my maybe where he just was like making fun of himself and it was just you know anybody who can do that i have mad respect for yeah for sure i i feel like i would not want to meet him because it would ruin my sort of perfect image of him from

the movie parenthood oh yeah just keep that just keep that encased in amber in your mind. He's like a dumb boyfriend in that, right? Isn't that what he is in that? I have one memory from that movie, and it is, and I think that's one I went to see with my mom. And I think it was one of those that you like when you're a kid because you're like, I'm watching a grown-up movie for grown-ups. And the guy from The Jerk is in it.

And I know him from The Jerk. And I really, I remember the only, like, part of that movie I remember is them digging through the garbage for one of their kids' retainer. And it, like, caused a parent fight. Like, they're fighting. They're, like, looking for the kid's retainer. And it like caused a parent fight. Like they're fighting, they're like looking for the kid's retainer.

And I, it made me so paranoid to lose my retainer when I got one, because I'm like, this will rip my family apart. Other forces were at work, Jordan. No, it was me. I didn't take good enough care of my retainer.

That's why my parents' marriage split up. That's why. No, it was me. I'm bad. So you're saying that there was a' marriage split up. That's why. No, it was me. I'm bad. So you're saying that there was a retainer cock-up. There was a retainer cock-up. Retainer cock-up.

And also, I've never seen this movie, so I'm gathering that it's about Keanu Reeves and Steve Martin co-parenting. Yeah. They're a married couple. It was way ahead of its time. I would watch that movie, actually. Yeah. A lot of credit should go to ron howard for

being really thoughtful about how he portrayed that uh same-sex uh 19 year old 34 year old 39 year old relationship um here's what my one memory about parentharenthood. Right. It's from the television show. I watched like four of them. Oh, the whole time, all I could think was, come on, that's not Berkeley. That's South Pasadena. Just the whole time, that's all I could think. That's not fucking Berkeley. That's South Pasadena.

It's obviously South Pasadena. Man, I hope somebody got fired for that one. God, that's the wrong kind of craftsman I said to myself. Sure. Okay. 206-984-4FUN, all you karate practitioners. JJ Goh at MaximumFun.org for your voice memos. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go go. Hey, it's John Moe. And look, these are challenging

times for our mental and emotional health. I get it. That's why I'm so excited for my new podcast, Depress Mode. We're tackling depression, anxiety, trauma, stress, the kinds of things that are just super common, but don't get talked about nearly enough. Conversations that are illuminating, honest, and sometimes pretty funny with folks like Patton Oswalt, Kelsey Dara, and Open Mike Eagle. I have this public facing self and then I have my emotional self that tends to stay hidden. It was about finding a way to communicate to somebody that like, there's terrible shit going on back here plus psychiatrists psychologists and all kinds of folks on depression mode we're working together learning helping each other out we're a team join our team depression mode for maximum fun wherever you get your podcasts

hey you like movies what about coming up with movie ideas over the course of an hour? Because that's what we do every week on Story Break, a writer's room podcast where three Hollywood professionals have an hour to come up with a pitch for a movie or TV show based off of totally zany prompts. Like that time we reimagined Star Wars based on our phone's autocomplete. Luke Skywalker is a family man and it's Star Wars, but it's a good idea. How about that time we broke the story of a bunch of Disney Channel original movies based solely on the title and the poster? Okay, Sarah Hyland is a 50-foot woman.

Let's just go with it, guys. Or the time we finally cracked the Adobe Photoshop feature film. Stamp tool is your Woody and then the autofill is the new Buzz Lightyear. Join us as we have a good time at matching all the movies Hollywood is too cowardly to make. Story Break comes out every Thursday on Maximum Fun. I don't know why I'm using this voice now. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Charlie Jane Anders, ruiner of everything. Yeah, you haven't ruined anything, Charlie Jane. Don't worry. Sorry, gotta get it. Gotta get a new nickname. Just wait. Give me like five more minutes.

Charlie Jane, you have a brand new book called Victory is Greater Than Death. Is this the first book for younger readers that you have written? I should mention, by the way wife saw on uh on my calendar as we were recording this uh that you were the guest on this week's show uh and she literally texted me to ask me to compliment you on your book uh the city in the middle of the night which she read and loved yes it's true it's real i'll also I also have a family member compliment for Charlie Jane while we're complimenting her. Yes. So I loved your book, All the Birds of the Sky.

Oh, thank you. And so I was visiting, we've mentioned Gail on this episode, my mom. Sure. And she's like, oh, I bought that book you put on Facebook, All the Birds of the Sky, and I loved it. That book is terrific. Everyone should read it. It is so much fucking weirder than anything my mom ingests. I was so—my mom's number one cultural product is Downton Abbey.

That is all mom wants. She wants Downton Abbey and Downton Abbey. Like, that is all mom wants. She wants Downton Abbey and Downton Abbey-toned things. Do you think it's possible that she thought when they made the novelization of the most exotic Marigold Hotel, they changed the title? Right. Yeah. And the fact that she loved this very beautiful but profoundly weird book about robots fighting magic people. I'm like, you know, way to go. Way to go, Gail, for branching out.

Way to go, Charlie Jane, for writing a great book. I truly felt like my mother's son in that moment. Well, that's so wonderful to hear and I really appreciate it. That's just, you know, I'm always happy when moms love me. I mean, it's just, I don't know. You put a book out there and you're just like, am I just going to get hate mail for the rest of my life? Which, you know, I do, but not for the books.

Not for the books. It's more for the other stuff, the trail of bodies and the, you know, the fact that I like rip the middles out of Oreos and just leave the chocolate the, the, the fact that I like ripped the middle side of Oreos and just leave the chocolate parts, like lying on the sidewalk everywhere I go. Um, but yeah, you have a new one and it's, so it's, it's a YA. This is your first YA book? Yes. It's my first book for young adults. And, you know, I'm, I'm actually really nervous about it because it feels like a huge responsibility. You know, you want to like provide a, a not terrible example. I don't think good example is ever going to be on huge responsibility you know you want to like provide a not terrible example i don't think good example is ever going to be on the table but you want to like

provide something wholesome or help you know good for the the youth like that short story the lottery that they have to read exactly wholesome wholesome stuff like catcher in the Rye. Yes. That's a wholesome book about defrauding sex workers. When you're writing one of these books, you have to teach them to sniff out phonies. Ultimately, that's what YA literature is about. It's about those fucking phonies. Fucking phonies. Those goddamn phonies. Yeah, no.

There's a long section in the middle of my book where it's just like lists of people who are phony in real life. I just like, I just go to town. Like it's just, it's just names with phony next to them. And then occasionally there'd be a name with like not phony. You got to call them out. John Kim, my fucking optometrist. That guy's a fucking phony. Got to go on the record about that stuff.

So kids know. So kids know who's a phony. Teach them. Teach the kids. But it's exciting. I'm super excited to be doing this. And it's just a chance to kind of cut loose and have fun and do like an action adventure book that just doesn't, the pace never slows down. It's just like, you know, you don't have to kind of stop and smell the breeze when

it's a, when it's a young adult book, you can just kind of keep going. It's about a child who grows up as a disguised alien, right? Like adopted by a human family, but pretending to be and pretending to be human, but actually being, let's be frank, an alien from space. From space, Charlie Jane. From space. Yeah, no, it's about a girl named Tina who, you know, she's the clone of an alien hero who died before she was born. And they were like, we need this hero back. So they cloned her. And but you when you clone someone, they're a baby. And so they hid the baby on Earth disguised as a human. And they're like, when you're old enough, when you're when you've reached maturity or whatever, which relative terms, some people never reach maturity. But when you reach maturity, we will come back and get this baby. And, you know, then she'll be ready to kind of resume her life as an alien, as a hero, saving the galaxy. And so this girl is just waiting for this to happen, you know. And honestly, this was the story of my life, minus the aliens actually showing up to take me away. Like, when I was a teenager, I was convinced that I was a secret alien and that they were going to come and get me. And they never did.

And I'm really mad at them. I'm like, where the frick are those dang aliens coming to get me and take me away from this stupid planet? So this is what I wish had happened, basically. Yeah. That actually is funny because the whole same thing is actually the story of our producer, Brian. Was the secret alien? Yeah. And he had a beacon embedded in him.

And anyway, Jordan and I set it off and the rest is history. Sure. Let that beacon, we said. So he's now on the mothership, basically. Yeah, I was tired of running the board myself, so I flipped that beacon, called Brian in. Here he is. Nice, nice.

Intergalactic hero. I cannot wait to read this thing. I pre-ordered it as soon as I saw that it existed. Yeah, can't wait. It looks amazing. Well, thank you so soon as I saw that it existed. Yeah, can't wait. It looks amazing. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. You know, and I think if people liked All the Birds in the Sky,

they'll probably like this book because it has kind of the same sense of humor. It's, you know, maybe it's weird in a different way. I would say it's weird in a different way. Like there's a whole chapter with like a hair-eating monster, like a monster that only eats human hair, and it's chasing people around a space station. And it's just like the characters are like your hair is better than mine you you should save yourself and it's like no no your hair is better and it's just like jordan's hair is the best of us yeah no i think we would save jordan from the hair-eating monster well thank you nice of you

to say uh cannot cannot wait to get my post-vaccination haircut. Jordan, I think at this point, and we've talked about this on the show, that because of your swimming, your hair has gone blonde. Yeah. I mean, you had sandy brown hair before, but not dark hair, but not blonde hair. And now it is blonde, and it has grown long, and it has always been curly. I think now is the time for you to get a can of pomade and just go full Jerry Lee Lewis.

Just slick it back and start lighting pianos on fire or whatever. Yeah, I think that's a good direction for me. Great idea. By the way, that's what everyone thinks of when you say go full Jerry Lee Lewis. Yes. I thought of a couple other things. I was like marrying your 13-year-old cousin.

I don't know. I mean. The killer, they called him. Yeah, yeah. I look like an anime character powering up. It's fucking ridiculous. It's really great. I really think it's awesome.

Well, thank you. Nice of you to say. Okay, well, Charlie Jane, your new novel, Victories Greater Than Death. We hope that people will go out and get that. And you know what? Let's give Charlie Jane some more interesting awards. Sure.

Charlie Jane's won all the big speculative fiction awards. I've never won a beauty contest. I don't know what the heck. Let's get Charlie Jane a victory in a beauty contest. Let's get Charlie Jane some dough out of the community chest. Yes. Oh, my God. Let's get Charlie Jane an iHeartMedia podcasting award.

You know what, Charlie Jane? Now is the time. If our listeners band together, I think by the end of the year, you can have a cable ace. Wow. So one time, actually, I came second in the Miss High Femme Boston

contest. That's pretty good. That was like the proudest achievement of my life. Like the Miss High Femme Boston contest. That's pretty good. That was like the proudest achievement of my life. Like the Miss High Femme Boston, like for all of Boston, Massachusetts. And like, you know, it was one of those things where like this group of like queer, this group of queer performers called

the Dukes of Dykdom and the Princes of Pornography had like organized a high femme pageant, right? And so I entered, some other people entered, spoiler alert, none of us was high femme. There were no high femmes in the high femme contest. And after we had all gotten on stage and done our thing, which for me was, I think, lip-syncing strut by Sheena Easton. Always a solid choice with like a weird teddy bear that I got from Walgreens as my like partner. After I did this on stage and everybody else did their kind of like high femme performance, I heard the people working the event who all of whom were high femmes and were like

super like just done up being like, if I'd known this was going to be the competition, I would have entered. They were all scared to enter because they were all just like, none of them wanted to enter unless they knew that they were going to win, I guess. Or they were just like, they wanted to like protect, you know, their high femme awesomeness

by like not risking it or whatever. And so, and then they saw all of us who were all just kind of low femme at best. And there was just like great consternation the the gender category uh memory that i treasure more than any others are our former max fun colleague jonathan van ness once said i was mask musk and uh i might with i i just i just think anytime anytime i'm worried i think i can't do something. I just think, well, Jonathan said you were Mask Musk. Does that mean that you launch rockets and they don't blow up?

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, you invented those flamethrowers? Well, Charlie Jane, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Again, the book is Victories Greater Than Death everybody should go buy it this has been Jordan Jesse Go you can find us on social media at Jordan underscore Morrison

at Jesse Thorne on Twitter with the hashtag JJ Go on Twitter at Facebook.com slash Bullseye with Jesse Thorne and MaximumFun.reddit.com our ever capable producer is the great Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Thank goodness we set off that beacon or we'd never have met the man. Oh no, General Zod's here to reclaim Brian.

Our theme music is... Kneel Before Zod. Kneel Before Zod does what? Kneel Before Zod does what? I'm always wondering what? Kneel before Zod does what? I'm always wondering. Kneel before Zod has to go take a dump? Kneel before Zod has a conniption fix.

Because nobody's kneeling. Kneel before Zod eats any more of those stanky anchovies. I watched the entire movie Supergirl. I haven't brought it up on this show Oh my god that movie Faye Dunaway Love You

by the Free Design courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records our thanks to them wonderful music I just heard about another new movie that has a big love you scene in it Jordanordan oh it's apparently quite distressing godzilla versus kong

i the movie is not out yet but uh as we record this but i did buy the soundtrack cd and uh love you is right there before Love Theme from Godzilla vs. Kong right by Luther Ingram everything he does always great yeah James Ingram Luther Vandross James Ingram there is the Luther Ingram as well it's a duet between the two of them they recorded it before Luther

died I think james ingram died recently too may they rest in peace uh sheena easton please live forever uh sheila e you too we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported