Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 683: Hot Girl Bummer with Cristela Alonzo

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

Cristela Alonzo (Chicano Squad podcast, To Be Continued podcast)  joins Jordan and Jesse for a  discussion of her strong feelings about Pepe the King Prawn Muppet, the surprising tone that dominates the Pasadena subreddit, and Cristela's junior high school song lyric hustle. Check out the Pixar documentary that Cristela is in, Inside PIxar! And check out Cristela's podcast To Be Continued!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I have great news for you, Jordan. My favorite kind of news! I'm instituting a new policy. It's congratulations to a listener at the top of the show i'd like to give a congratulations to a listener named joshua okay uh who's on twitter

at aussie aussie paw one uh joshua tweeted i took dr fauci's advice and took a little walk. I found a cool stick as a reward. And there's a photograph of Joshua. He is indeed holding a stick. Oh, that's amazing. Congratulations, Joshua. And hey, here's a little tip. If that stick is shaped like a Y, simply hold the two ends, stick it out in front of you, find yourself a water source, dig a well.

Yeah, douse it up, Joshua. Douse it. How come you're not already dousing in this picture? Douse it, baby. Jordan, would you say that sometimes when you see someone holding a forked stick who isn't dousing, does it feel like a missed opportunity to you, or would you characterize it more as an embarrassment or shame? I mean, all of the above, D. All of the above, my friend.

I mean, this is what my dad said to me before he got on that train. My father had three beliefs. Right. Number one. Eating ain't cheating. Number two. Ask Gassergrass. Nobody rides for free. And number three. You gotta't cheating. Number two. Ask Gassergrass. Nobody rides for free.

And number three. You gotta douse it, baby. Douse it. In hindsight, my father may have been insane. Yeah. I have seen so many people out there holding forked sticks. Yeah. And they are surrounded by dry wells.

Yeah. And I'm like, you have the stick. Douse it, baby. Just hold it out in front of you and the well will call to you. I'm a well. Dig into my wetness. Use me for your crops.

Do your sheep need to drink? Man, some people are so fucking stupid, huh, Jesse? God, they're fucking morons, right? I fucking hate these stupid people. God, they're dumb. These fucking idiots out here. These fucking concrete-brained dipshits. Fucking can't even get it through

Oh, I got a fucking I got a fork stick over here But I'm gonna Oh, guess what I'm not gonna do Fucking use it for dowsing I'm a little baby And I hate to use a fork stick to find water I guess I'll go home and stare at my phone.

Oh, my iPhone. I dropped it in the toilet, but there was no water in there. So I guess it saved my phone. Listen, Jesse, yes, these people are stupid, but they're not babies. Let's not insult them further by doing the baby voice. Oh, me? by doing the baby voice. Homie, I'm a baby farmer. Alright. I need to find water in my farm.

You know, I'm more on board now because I'm picturing a baby in little overalls and a cowboy hat holding a little pitchfork. I also have a stalk of wheat sticking out of my toothless mouth. I'm the backbone of this country. You are a baby farmer.

I'm the real America, not like those coastal Oedists. Okay, hold on, baby. You're getting into some dodgy territory. Well, I'm tired of ivory-towered twits telling me what I can and can't be canceled for. Oh, boy. Jesse, cut the baby's mic before he starts talking about Q-drops. Jesse, you have access to the baby's mic, right? I do.

Okay. Cut it. Cut it. I don't have access to the board, but I do have access to the baby's cough button, so I'll just hold that down for the rest of the show. Actually, he's texting me something. He's really mad about Whittle Nas X. Something about Whittle Nas X is making him mad. Yeah.

I don't know. It's complicated. Do you mind if I introduce our guest here? Is it the baby? Because I think we've established that his his politics don't align with ours i took the wet pill jesse oh my gosh get it get him out of here sorry my finger slipped for a second did he say the right kind of pill because uh no it was let's like let's not even let's not Let's not give him a platform.

Okay, we're deplatforming this baby. Yeah, we're deplatforming Farmer Baby. He has to go to the pediatrician for an earache anyway. Listen, there's a lot of farmers out there and rural people with good takes. This just happened to be one of them that didn't. You've heard of FarmersOnly.com. Yes. We are also endorsing NotAllFarm only.com yes we also we're also endorsing not all farmers.com not all farmers only.com backslash fetlife

our guest a really confusing dating site our guest on the program is a beloved stand-up comic. She's also a celebrated actor and voice performer. You might have heard her on the podcast Chicano Squad. She's also the narrator of the brand new Pixar docuseries Inside Pixar. She's also one of the stars of the hit podcast Bubble. Cristela Alonso hi christella how are you friend hi hello covid is a hoax there's another baby i'm sorry it's my nephew he's latino he's got his own way of thinking no you're right you're right you're right wow

you know let's hear him out. Yeah, let's do it. He makes some good points. I know. You know, they say the Latinx men went in much greater proportion for Trump this year, but I did not know that that extended to the babies. Of course, absolutely. Oh, you mean to tell me babies were voting? Yeah.

Ah, he got to me too. Shit, stop the steal me too. Shit. Stop the steal. Fuck. No. Help. Hello, everybody. Hi.

God. Hi. Cristela, I was admiring on your Instagram. By the way, great Instagram presence. Can I just say, Cristela Alonso, great Instagram presence. What kind of stuff are we getting there all kinds of great stuff you're a lot so you know you got jokes you got jokes uh you got a lot of like fun here's the thing i liked and wanted to ask you about i wanted to ask you about those fucking dope kermit tennis shoes that you

got that's right that's right adidas is doing a disney collab and i saw kermit tennis shoes that you got. That's right. That's right. Adidas is doing a Disney collab. And I saw Kermit the Frog Stan Smith sneakers. And I love it on the back. They've got these green tabs in the back that say, it's not easy being green. It's to celebrate that Stan Smith, the line's going sustainable. Hey, okay. Oh.

That's nice. I love it. I love the Muppets. I feel like, you know, look, I'm so annoyed that Disney does everything, but they don't do more with the Muppets. You know what I mean? Let's do more Muppet stuff. They could do more Muppet stuff.

Earth to Ned season two. Let's make it happen. Absolutely. The puppets on Earth to Ned were not technically Muppets. They were Jim Henson creature shop creations. The Muppets are their own thing. Make Earth to Ned Muppets,

you cowards. Absorb them into the Muppet-iverse. Have some dumb sci-fi explanation. It's a portal or something. Portals fix everything. As far as I'm concerned, all you have to do is go in that drawer,

get the shrimp, bring them over to the Earth to Ned set. The streams have crossed. The shrimp is there. I saw the shrimp. The shrimp is there. It's easy. Just bring the shrimp over.

It's so easy to bring that shrimp over. I hate that shrimp. I'm going to go on shrimp. Wow. I don't like the shrimp. What is it about the shrimp that you don't care for? He was my high school bully. Oh, yeah.

It's this thing where, look, we're talking about Earth to Ned making them into Muppets, right? And at this point, I'm thinking, we totally could because i grew up with these muppets and all of a sudden i'm sorry you're gonna bring the shrimp what's his name pepe or something to come in and like just piggyback on the success of the muppet caper you know what i mean i i'm sorry you can't just come in and join the entourage once the times are good. Where were you at the get go? Where were you when shit was tough? Look, I'm sorry, but there is no fucking reason why the shrimp gets more airtime than Sam the Eagle when Sam the Eagle has been around since the fucking 70s. Christelle, I have a follow up question here.

Yes. How do you feel about the guy with sunglasses and like short dreadlocks who maybe is like a crawdad or something? Do you know the guy I'm talking about? I know which one you're talking about. And let me tell you what I think of him. I don't know his name. Yeah.

He might be a catfish. He could be a catfish. Look, I get that they're trying to add a lot of stuff, and great, that's awesome. Look, I can tell you, bringing new characters into Sesame Street, right? It's a neighborhood. People move out and in all the time.

It exists. Why not? But, like, come on, man. You're going to tell me that the shrimp gets more air time than electric mayhem are you kidding yeah yeah i feel like i feel like the shrimp is a pretty transparent attempt to capitalize on the popularity of celebrity chef paul prudhomme and oh easy easy it's like i get it kids love cajun flavors yes right like We couldn't even get the rage in Cajun.

Yeah. Come on. You know what? Muppets make Earth to Ned Muppets and make a James Carville Muppet. You cowards. Yes. Mary Madeline too. Both of them.

It's a bipartisan couple. She's a Republican. He's a Democrat. And together things get silly. This Thursday on CBS. The right turn at left. This thing does write itself. I mean,

we're writing it here anyway. Guys, I love comedy that writes itself. Yes. Oh, it's the easiest because it doesn't take up time. You can still have a life. And I hate Yes. Oh, it's the easiest because it doesn't take up time. You can still have a life.

And I hate writers. Give me health insurance. I need points. I need points to get my health insurance. Oh, I get paid so well I have to take Crafty home. I'm going to kill him like I'm a fucking alchemist. I put string cheeses in my backpack at the end of the week. I take six cans of LaCroix home because I don't have water.

Oh, man. This is really fucking rough at the point where you've got to make it through the weekend with just those six LaCroix's and that includes your cooking? Yeah. You know, I mean, it was a hell of a season I had. Yeah, wild season. Hell of a season I had. Yeah. Wild season. Hell of a season. Hell of a season. Can you imagine having a network show where you have like a Patreon?

You just had a GoFundMe page for Christella season one. We got a pickup, but they're telling us that we need $30,000 for the brain surgery. Hey, you guys, we're $5,000 away from having a Christmas episode. So the stretch goals. $10,000 or more, we name you in an episode. You know what I mean? Honestly, Christella, it's coming. We're laughing at this.

Hey, in five years when that happens, throw this fucking episode back in our face dude five years from now what's up with that trip muppet yeah thank you again so you're you're a muppet originalist yeah i i am okay i am i mean look you don't like these muppet amendments well i i am a conservative muppet. I believe in what the founding fathers believed in. You want the Muppets that the founders intended. You know what's a funny Muppet product that maybe doesn't get a lot of love? Is that one season Muppet sitcom. Oh, the one on ABC? Yeah, the one on ABC.

It's really funny. I watched a couple episodes of it and I'm like, oh, this is good. Why did everybody hate this into the ground? Anyway. I remember really liking Muppets Tonight. Oh, Muppets Tonight. Yeah, Muppets Tonight was great. By the way, can I just say that I told a friend of mine that I was doing this podcast, and

my friend caught me by surprise and said, hey so like what do you guys talk about like what's the theme oh no it's the classic trap just say true crime just say true crime i was thinking about it i'm like and i said well we talk about stuff like just stuff i think last time i was on we talked about tetris but tetris wasn't in the news tetris is in the news again um but i i was i told you guys before we started recording that i had a question for you guys and this is this is a very interesting question so look i'm gonna take i'm gonna take listeners behind the curtain and I'm going to say that I was not scheduled to be on this podcast up until a couple hours ago. And my

question is out of like zero to a hundred percent, how much do you guys think I was readily available for you at all times? Because that's kind of how I end up doing this podcast. Do you guys think, you know what? You know who doesn't do anything? Let's get her. To be fair, we told Brian she might be going for a hike, so wait

until she gets back. I think what it is is when we have to... So this is not our regular recording day. Again, a peek behind the camera. Yeah, I know. People love this. That's why they love this. That's why they love your Pixar documentary.

Yes. BTS, behind the scenes. BTS, behind the scenes, and also the K-pop band. That's why they like them. Yeah, I narrated the BTS behind the scenes talkie series. Was it called BTS BTS? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. So, you know, so we're recording this episode a little closer to we just recorded an episode a couple of days ago. And sorry to interrupt you, Jordan. Crystal, give me that set up again. Was it called BTS BTS? Was it called BTS BTS? Yes. Go you, Jordan. Christella, give me that setup again. Was it called BTS, BTS? Was it called BTS, BTS? Y-E-S.

Go ahead, Jordan. Worth it. I'm going to go ahead and say worth it. Thank you. Brian, can you edit out the whole part before that? I mean, from right when Christella said, is it called BTS, BTS, back to the beginning of the show and then just from after i said y es to the end of the show can you edit that out too

yeah no problem thank you thank you brian go ahead um so you know as you alluded to this show it's not on a very solid foundation it's on a teetering foundation yes we have you guys don't even have a web like you don't even have a social media accounts no no you guys are winging it so much that you you you have nothing like people look you up and it's just like it's like it it's kind of like a rave where it's like unless you went you don't know it ever happened. Like, this is this podcast. Underneath, if you look in our crawl space, you'll see that the entire foundation of this podcast is built of bricks and mortar. And Christella, this is earthquake country. Yeah. So, you know, so recording two episodes very close to each other is is challenging i mean double challenging in you

know covid just because the show kind of the basis is like stuff that happened to us you know and like and when there's just two days like this is not a true crime podcast we can't just go out and murder someone and then come back and describe it no uh-uh so you know so it's always a little bit challenging to record two episodes really close together like this and when you do you just need somebody who's gonna fucking knock it out of the park you just need someone who is funny and game and yes anding and gonna bring a great energy so that's why you call cristella alon? That's the answer I was looking for. I've been recording all of this. This is my outgoing message for voicemail.

This is it. I got that sound bite. Now it's all gravy. All gravy. Reliable. Audience loves them. So this kind of difficult task of retorting to Jordan Jesse Goes becomes not only easy, but a fucking pleasure.

Yeah. Let me ask you this question, Jordan. What if when we started the show, like I can't help but notice that Christella said, I have a question for you guys. What if each of us prepared a thing? Well, funny you should mention that because I have some clips from the Pasadena subreddit. So I've prepared something.

Are you talking about Pasadena.reddit.com? Yeah, I think so. Or reddit.com slash r slash Pasadena, depending on how you like to type it into your address bar. Yeah, I guess, Christelle, I have some news that I am moving out of our neighborhood. Oh!

I know. Jordan! I've mentioned it on the show a couple weeks ago, but I am moving away from mid-city slash West Hollywood slash whatever you want to call this area. Yeah, I don't know what this area is called. Christelle, he got denied by several landlords, and they just told him, we don't want you to leave Cristela. Cristela needs you. I do. I mean, who am I going to share my ValPak envelopes with every week? I need $5 off Indian food.

Exactly. I'm like, hey, Jordan, are you dry cleaning this week or not? I need those coupons. Yeah, I can make it happen. Full price at the car wash? When am I an animal? Man, COVID really hit all of us hard. It did. It really did.

So you're going? I'm going. It's mainly an air conditioner based move in that I would like to live in a place that has it. Yes. And so I've chosen Pasadena. I love Pasadena. Yeah. Tell me what you're impressed – because you've been in L.A. a long time, and I have a hard time describing Pasadena to people.

Can you do it? Yeah. Pasadena is – it's like an area that really feels like its own nice neighborhood slash suburb where you still have access to cool things. But also, you're in close location to the Rose Bowl, so you can see these bomb-ass concerts that no one ever gets to see. You also have this kind of really cool life where you can go out outdoors. kind of really cool life where you can go out in like outdoors kind of like you can go hike you can have a view from the outdoors and stuff but you don't have to pay the same prices as you would in like malibu and all other areas to me pasadena is a great place to end up at after you've lived for a while and you realize that you can drive anywhere you don't have to be so fucking close

to all the studios and stuff yeah yeah i mean i'm kind of like you know preparing myself for a world you know when la traffic kind of comes back where i'm like maybe in my car a little more than i want to be but um but yeah i i like the area a lot and i'm uh i'm kind of excited to go there i will be closer to my beloved verdugo aquatic facility Facility. Wow. There you go. But, you know, why not swim at the Rose Bowl, Jordan? Enjoy yourself. They got Olympic-level facilities there. I know.

I'm torn about it. I'll miss my little swim crew that I have. Can I tell you something, Jordan? I don't think you're going to make it to the fucking Olympics swimming in Burbank. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. That's what's holding me back.

Whoa. No, no, no, no. You're right. That's what's holding me back. Whoa, no, no, no, no. I believe in you. Thank you. No, no, no. I believe in you. Yeah. This guy needs Olympic quality facilities if he wants to compete

at a goddamn international level. But he does. And the reality is that the Rose Bowl Aquatic Center provides that and the Burbank, whatever it's called, doesn't. You know, go to Burbank if you want to buy model trains yes whoa yes and actually I have done that I am saying that is top level quality yes my goal in life is to eventually have a um a recreated little model of my hometown with traits.

Hey, that's cool. Yeah, I know. Hey, hey, huh? Who's cool? You're cool. But, Jordan, I believe you can hit the Olympics. I think you can go to the Olympics because the name of the podcast has Jordan Go.

Yeah, you're right. At the end of it. You're right. Which means Jordan, go to the Olympics. Yes, you're right. At the end of it. You're right. Which means Jordan, go to the Olympics. Yes, off the block. Yeah, finally this show has a premise. Yeah, my journey to the Olympics, which will surely happen. Oh, my God.

This is the new Ramona Quimbley we've all been looking forward to. Yep. I'm surprised you didn't have an air conditioner. Yeah, it's an older building, and so no air, and the windows are like those big kind of vertically opening windows. So I have one of those portable units, but it barely fucking works because the windows can't shut on it. You mentioned Jordan becoming a ramona i think he can but while he's still living in in the mid-city area i think he's more of a beezus hey on a good day i'm a super fudge yeah i'm pita this podcast has everything literally are you there podcast it's me margaret i think this podcast has so much that it's just like it's it's kind of like a volleyball game of

references bump set spike yeah bump set spike i was you know, I used to play volleyball in high school. And every time I tell people that, no one believes me. And that's how you know how out of shape people think you are. When they think you've never played sports in your life. Like, I did. I did. It's like, oh, sure you did. Sure you did.

One of my great traumas of middle school was volleyball related. I went to a real small middle school. And so there were basically two choices. You could be on a sports team or you could do aerobics. And as a 12-year-old boy, my preference was not to do aerobics, you know, aerobic dancing. It's a craze of the mid-1980s. And so I'm like, I'm going to be on this volleyball team. But the thing was, was that my parents didn't have cars.

And I couldn't get to the volleyball games because my parents didn't have cars and I couldn't get to the volleyball games because my parents didn't have cars. Like I was like, I could hang out at school afterwards if someone can drive me there. And they were like, no, we can't do that. So I got kicked out of the volleyball team and for not being able to drive to the games and had to spend my entire middle school doing aerobics. Yeah, but you know what? That ass you have, though. Yeah, I know, but that ass, though. I mean, it paid off, Christella. I'll tell you, before we started recording, you and I were performing the lyrics of the tag team classic,

Wump There It Is. Yes. And the reason I know every word of Wump There It Is is because it was one of the songs in the aerobics. Yay. That and Cantaloupe by Us Three, I can just do from memory because I did aerobics dances to them. Have you guys seen that commercial where tag team do scoop there it is? What?

It's an insurance commercial. It's one of like insurance commercials that doesn't have to do with insurance it's just like yeah yeah it makes sense and it is it's a woman cooking dinner and she's like and they're like this insurance is as good as tag team helping you decide what's what you should have for dessert and then they they scoop ice cream and sing scoop there it is and like the family members file in and like kind of gradually start cream and sing scoop there it is and like the family members file in and like kind of gradually start to dance to scoop there it is and i i fucking love it every time it comes up and i'm like why do i love this i don't know i'm like is am i crazy now or is this just great i don't know i've stopped questioning it but I'm just like so into it. I feel like those insurance commercials, and there's both Geico ones and imitator Geico ones,

are both the greatest argument for and against commercial advertisement in general. Sure. They're the greatest argument for in that it is this incredible coming together of talent and wild ideas being celebrated. And they're the greatest argument against because imagine if those people were making art instead of Geico commercials. Like the idea that somebody like there's something beautiful about the fact that somebody somebody said what if we got tag team to go scoop there it is and then somebody else was like i'm an insurance company and i'll pay for that is great on the other hand that the fact it is truly sad that the person who thought of scoop there it is at the end was like yeah and then at the end we'll show the name of the insurance company i don't know man you know what to me it's all art it's up yeah there's another one they have where they have a rat problem and it turns out to be the 80s band rat singing round and round

i haven't seen that one that sounds pretty good i do they're like we have a rat problem and the moment i now that i'm used to it i'm like oh my god please let it be rat please let it be rat r-a-t-t yes it's like round and round yes it's rat i love it that's art it speaks to me we all have we all love different kinds of art where some of us like classical music some of us love legos some of us love origami some of us love youos. Some of us love origami. Some of us love, you know, like vintage bongs. Yeah. In the 80s. They can make a bong in the 80s.

The craftsmanship. Not like these modern bongs. Some people think I'm snobby. I think of myself as a connoisseur. I really love Quad City DJs. That's kind of my thing. Yes. I feel like if you're not riding the train what are you doing i don't know i know i get it i get it i just want to say that when i was in junior high i know the words to uh there it is because i used to uh write the lyrics

out to songs before the internet. And I would sell copies of the lyrics to kids for five bucks a pop. Whoa. That's like twice as much as a single. Yes. And what these kids didn't, they were so stupid. These fucking stupid kids. These fucking stupid kids.

They had sticks like you wouldn't believe. And they were parched, completely parched. Let me just say, we lived in a field of wells, completely untapped. You've all been there. We've all been there, right? Hashtag dowser problems. I used to write these lyrics out and it started out because I would learn all these lyrics out and um it started out because uh i would learn all these lyrics from watching tv and like and watching mtv and just listening to them and writing them down and i remember well there it is um the first lyric is so quick that i remember singing it at lunch in junior high and this girl was like how do you know that song and i was like i know the words like

give me the words i'll pay you for it and basically she gave me five bucks but the kids didn't realize like hey dummies like why don't you just buy one copy and then make xerox copies wow why do i have to give you like yeah you know what i mean like business minded uh yeah. I mean, I was a mogul in junior high. I mean. I was a mogul. You were making the original NFTs. Dude, I was NFT all day long, son.

I mean. These kids are like, I could never funge this. This is Cristela's personal handwriting. And it was dumb because it was just me with pencils. Like, just a sheet of notebook paper. I swept with Snow's Informer. Fuck. Yeah.

Snow's Informer got me so much cool shit. Like, you don't even know. A Walkman? Yeah. What was Snow up to? Was he digging the pom-pom? Just tell me no or yeah. There was a time when I could sing the In Living Color parody of that song.

Sure. I mean, I think, Jordan, we are both in the demographic that was stronger with the lyrics of the In Living Color parody than the lyrics of the original song. Well, that's because you're both magical. Yeah, that's true. Let's circle back, Jordan. Oh, yeah. Let's circle back to the Pasadena subreddit. So I subscribed for a time to the Los Angeles subreddit,

and I found that the content really only fell into two categories. One category was people who are mad at homeless people for being homeless. And one category was people who were mad at pedestrians for not being in cars. So those were... I eventually just had to check out. Like once in a while there would be like, I saw something cool at

LACMA. And that's what I was there for. I just went to the Apple Pan, the famous restaurant. That's what I wanted to see. But mostly it was just people getting in fights about homelessness. What's going on in the Pasadena subreddit? So yeah, so I, you know, I've been kind of like trying to get excited about Pasadena and, you know, and things. So I'm like, well, I'll take a peek at the Pasadena subreddit and and and i and i kind of know that phenomenon you're talking about jesse where looking at the subreddit for

something um could ruin it for you you know yeah i mean that happened to me with magnet fishing we'll get there we'll get there yeah okay um so but i'm like you know what i i i don't know a lot about pasadena it's still i feel like i you, you know, I kind of jumped into this whole thing, you know, on a feeling. I would like to learn more about it. So I'm like, let me go on there. You initially thought you were moving to Pasadena, Texas. Right, yes. And I was shocked, shocked to find that it was in California. And so I was kind of worried about these things you were talking about, Jesse, because it does, you know, I think it does have a bougie contingent. So I have some posts from the Pasadena subreddit. These are like top posts. These are like the top ones for the day.

And I think it can give you a vibe as to what's going on there. First one. Title, Snacks and Beverages and Cookies and Brownies. Our 10-year-old son had the very kind idea of trying to sell snacks to raise money for the homeless. So tomorrow, between 2 and 5, we'll have a table out at Jefferson Park with all sorts of goodies to sell. Lemonade, apple juice, home-baked cookies and brownies, chips, and more. Please come down and check us out. It's a beautiful park, and we'd love to see you.

Sounds great. I mean, that sounds like a great way to celebrate your community, help someone, and support a young person who's trying to do something good for the world. I think it shows that Jesse lives in a neighborhood of assholes. Get on over to Pasadena where people are trying to help the homeless. And Jordan lives with Care Bears. And Jordan lives with Care Bears. So here's the top post from just a few hours ago with 67 upvotes and 44 comments. Windy enough for you? I mean, what was the consensus around that?

Yeah, pretty windy. Especially for this time of year. Windy enough for you? And finally, just before we taped, I looked at what the top post was. And it is this. Honeysuckle conundrum! I know that honeysuckle is in season, i can't find any exclamation point anyone know where i could find honeysuckle growing in pasadena she is my mistress and i need to give her hush money conundrum with the beautiful honeysuckle honeysuckle conundrum i'm sure

there's plenty of drama in pasadena right now but you have to take into account the fact that the Kidspace Children's Science Museum is closed. Yeah. So that's the main locus of drama in Pasadena. And without Kidspace and its outdoor physics play area, where is the drama going to bloom? All it's going to be from there on out is baked goods and honeysuckles. I was going to say the same thing. I was going to say the same thing. I was going to say the same thing. Also, the posts sound like

you live in an Etsy shop. Yep. Do you live in Etsy? I might. It's just little TARDISes made of yarn. Oh, I love it. And to Jesse's interest, there was a post about magnet fishing.

Oh, wow. It says, let me get it here. Magnet fishing spots near Pasadena? Me and my friend have recently got super into magnet fishing. We tried to magnet fish in the LA River and felt super sick afterwards. We know. Dumb idea. Anyone have some good spots they recommend?

Any large bodies of water that people might drop stuff into? So do you think they were eating stuff that they magnet fished out of the L.A. River? I don't know. I hope not. But basically the only response was, I caught a knife in Whittier Narrows Park in South Rosemead. Well, that's, I mean, that's probably what happened in the la river they caught a knife they ate it and it had gone off yeah what what is magnet fishing uh jesse can you explain yeah you get a super magnet and then you go on a bridge and you tie the magnet to a rope and you

drop the magnet into the water and you pull out an old rusty bicycle now see this is the shit that i do this podcast for educational like well because you know because like jesse like look this is 2021 but jesse doesn't live in this year he kind of does but he doesn't so like there's always this thing where like i'll do a podcast and there's like something mentioned and i'm like, what the fuck is that? It's like, oh, you don't know moonshine energy drinks? You know what I mean? It's like everybody knows about it. By the way, our sponsor this week, moonshine energy drinks. Go to moonshine.com slash JJ Go for 10% off your free.

Full moon. Yeah. Magnet fishing. I hadn't heard. So it's kind of like metal detectors? Yeah, it's a lot like metal detectors, but worse because you can't get jewelry. Yeah so it's kind of like um like metal detectors yeah it's a lot like metal detectors but worse because you can't get jewelry yeah it's like oh my god jewelry is non-magnetic generally speaking so you're really just getting i mean like, is this an old sword?

No, that's just something that fell off a building. Have you looked up to see what the biggest get has been? Yeah, it's a rusty bicycle. That's what's so wild about magnet fishing. That's the top thing you can get. The best creme de la creme is a rusty bicycle i don't know this dude found a knife that's pretty cool yeah but it had gone off we already established that you're right wow can i tell you guys since we have started recording this my mom has sent me six text

messages oh oh anything good on over there what What's going on on San Jose Avenue? Does she have honeysuckle? Yeah, she may. I'll let the guys on the Pasadena subreddit know that they should hit up your mom for all the good honeysuckle. If you've got a honeysuckle conundrum, call Judy. You know, my mom would hit him with a

cutting. At the end of the day, you need a cutting. My mom's going to hook you up. Yeah. Yo. I mean, have you seen my background? I love cuttings. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Chrisella is in a veritable indoor jungle. Yeah. I have a lot of plants. I have a little porch in my new place that I'm moving into. So I was like, maybe I'm going to do some outdoor plants.

Oh. Indoor plants are a little tough with a cat because everything kills them. There's cat-friendly plants out there. Yeah, I do have some cat-friendlies that have worked out pretty well. Does Bug like to blaze the ganja? Oh, yeah. You know, you know.

So maybe get a hydroponic setup going. she loves to blaze a fatty oh my does she like vintage box loves yes 70s or earlier today's ones have no soul right i know it's like what happened they were all made of america they're all 3d printed now in fucking uh you know taipei and yeah american craftsman yeah you don't have any you don't have any bogs named uriah heap nowadays that's what bongs were bongs yeah i get it Sorry, I decided to take a bath. That's nice. Put in some Epsom salts. Soak those joints.

Should we all soak our joints and blaze a fat one and come back and take some calls? Yeah, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'll tell you something, Jordan. Every episode of Jordan, Jesse go brought to our audience by our audience, maximum fun, a membership driven organization. You can become a member at maximumfund.org slash join this week. We're also brought to you by the good folks at magic spoon,

magic spoon makes amazing, healthy breakfast cereals that do not taste like healthy breakfast cereals. So watch Golf with Dad on Saturday morning, nomming down on that sugary cereal. Magic Spoon does really taste like that stuff, but it doesn't have all the junk that that stuff has. With zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, only four net grams of carbs, and 140 calories in each serving. Keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb, GMO-free. I'm going to tell you a very real thing, Jordan. Yes.

So these advertisers on our shows, they give us a little taste sometimes. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like an unscrupulous street drug dealer as opposed to the scrupulous ones. Sure. They're known for their scruples. We'll give you a little taste to get you hooked, right? So we get a little taste, you know.

They'll send you a mattress. You'll lie on it a little bit, you know. We got, I think they sent us four or five boxes. I can't remember exactly how many of the magic spoon and my family went through them and uh just yesterday i got the mail and there was a big box for magic spoon and i said to my wife oh is magic spoon sponsoring uh one bad mother and she's like no i thought they were fucking great so i ordered some more she's bought some that is that is a real thing in podcasting you know a product's good when

you're using your own promo code yeah we totally we totally use the jj go promo code go to magic spoon.com slash jj go to grab some blueberry uh that's one of the uh favorite flavors now back in stock uh or you know what? You can get peanut butter. That's my favorite flavor. You got a favorite, Jordan? Oh, yeah. Peanut butter is great. Love the frosted.

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product. It's backed with a hundred percent happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash JJGO and use JJGO as the promo code to save $5. our friends at Ruby Coffee. And when I say our friends at Ruby Coffee, they are actually friends of Maximum Fun and friends of this very program, Jordan, Jesse Go. Shout out to Jesse over there at Ruby Coffee in Central Wisconsin, Nelsonville, Wisconsin, population 191.

Basically, this is their deal. They're trying to find these really fancy coffees these are very these are complex dynamic coffees these are these are these are the the best of the best these are like the we're friends with every with every donkey that pulls a plow at the at the car this is the this is the really fancy stuff but it is also like every single coffee that they sell is designed to be like easy to brew and enjoy like just it's just good stuff it's and it's for everybody like that's why these folks live and make it in wisconsin is because they're not trying to be uh uh you know they're not trying to be sommeliers in a fancy restaurant in New York City or whatever. They're just trying to make great coffee for regular folks, and they do an amazing job. They make

all the coffee for maximum fun in our office and for our hosts. They send it to our hosts. We're very grateful to them for that. And everybody, everybody here totally loves it. You can go to rubycoffeeroasters.com and use the code JJGO to get 20% off your first shipment of any subscription or 15% off a one-time coffee purchase. It's rubycoffeeroasters.com. We have had so many Max Funsters have told us about how they love this coffee. So many people have been like, what was it? What was that coffee again? rubycoffeeroasters.com. It's really great. They even have fancy instant coffee that you can like, oh yeah, you can just put it in your purse. You can put it in your glove box and you're ready to have nice coffee. Yeah, it's easy. It can put it in your glove box and you're ready to have nice coffee.

Yeah, it's easy. It's quick. And it definitely tastes like something you're paying a ton for at the local baristery, which is, I think, what those are called. Yeah, Ruby Coffee is awesome. I love it. And, hey, we got a real breakfast-themed ad break. Oh, yeah. That's nice. Now all I've got to get is an OJ sponsor. themed ad break. Oh, yeah. That's nice.

Now all I've got to get is an OJ sponsor. Am I right? Sure. Yeah. Or Sunny D or Purple Stuff. Yeah. We'll take any of the three. Sunny D, Purple Stuff, OJ, whatever it is.

And you know what? Yoo-hoo. Call us. Chocolate drink. Call us. Yoo-hoo. Is it good for breakfast? We don't know. Instant breakfast? Give it to us it to us why not sure we'll take it all yeah uh okay we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I am Christella Alonzo, president of the Encyclopedia Brown fan club. Where's that? Where's that reboot? Dude, I've been wanting to do that reboot for years. I love Encyclopedia Brown. Like, that was my jam.

I mean, I feel like our friend John Hodgman's show Dicktown on FX is a sort of like it's an Encyclopedia Brown reimagining. Hodgman's character is sort of like, what if Encyclopedia Brown was grown up and sad?

I think that's a good take on an old classic. Yeah, great direction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why not also, I don't think that's the only way you could take it. I think you could Riverdale it. Sexy, yeah. You could say, yeah, he's got abs.

Encyclopedia Brown's got abs. Listen, I just want to do a boxcar children where they're all hooked on smack. Call me AMC. Sounds gritty. It's going to be really gritty. Yeah. Sounds super gritty. Do you think you know who would make a good lead boxcar child?

Hmm. Gritty. Right. Yes. The hockey mascot. You know who would make a good lead boxcar child? Gritty. Right, yes. The hockey mascot. Love to see that crazy fucker hooked on smack. Train spotting style. Fuck somebody for $15.

Come on. Gritty? Diving into a toilet to get his last balloon. You got it. At the top of the show i mentioned christella's delightful instagram presence i just want to talk about maybe the best thing i've seen uh i i'm i'm new to instagram so i haven't seen a lot but maybe the best thing i saw was on yours and it was i think you posted some uh maybe video or just some stills of uh super mario 3d world right yes yes uh great mario game he gets the cat suit we love the cat suit i love the cat suit yeah that's it fucking rules i love it um the encyclopedia

brown of mario suits yeah and then under the the photos of mario the actor Mario Lopez just replied, it's a me. And I laughed for nine minutes. I know, it's hilarious. Like it was a tag team insurance ad. Chris, Stella knows how to do show business. You know, you make friends with Mario Lopez, you get him to write It's a Me under a picture of Mario. You know, right now,

my current project isn't pitching a show. It's actually trying to get my celebrity crush to notice me. We're trying to pull out all the stops on social media. Let's see how that goes. That's why the content is so curated into nothingness and abstract,

makes no sense kind of content. You know, picture of Kermit the Frog sneakers, you know. We should mention that Christella's celebrity crush is Sam the Eagle. I will take screen time from him. Shrimp or no. He deserves it. Guys, I actually, I tried to do this and I ended up getting catfished by that catfish Muppet

with the dreadlocks and the sunglasses. Yeah. Man, turns out it was a real person. In my 20s, I dated Janice from the Electric Mayhem and that's why I don't date musicians anymore same with me but Rolf and dogs we've all dated a couple of Muppets

am I right? yeah we've all dated a couple of Muppets god I still get chills every time i see a studebaker don't take comedians too needy too furry also and as soon as things are going good they hibernate it's true oh yeah oh i don't date comics. I wouldn't know. When something momentous happens to you, like you go on a third date with that shrimp.

Give us a call 206-984. That's when you know it's serious. 206-984-4FUN or send us a voice memo at JJGoAtMaximumFun.org. Oh, hey, guess what, though? Before our momentous occasions, Christella, you don't know this about our show, but we're really creative and put a lot of work into the show, which is why it has a lot of segments on it with names and different ideas. And so people call into those segments and they let us know what segment they're calling into because we have so many creative ideas that sometimes we even...

My favorite is iowa weather i'm like whoa i'm like whoa that's crazy the fans love it the fans go nuts like these guys are specific they work hard yeah well brian go ahead and uh go ahead and play one of these segment calls here hi jordan Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Bailey calling from St. Louis, Missouri. And I'm calling in about your regular segment of one-star reviews of strip clubs. And I got this one from Queen of Hearts in Fenton, Missouri. It's a one-star review. It says, I got here 7.30 p.m. on a Tuesday, and the place looks abandoned.

I would figure that, but I don't know. I've never been to a strip club. Enjoy the segment. Love you guys. Have a great day. Bye-bye. That's a good segment. That's a really good segment.

Could veer into upsetting territory very easily, but as long as we keep it to, I was surprised it was abandoned on a weekday afternoon, I think that could be a good segment. Did you say 7.30 p.m.? Oh, was it 7.30 p.m.? I mean, that is a disappointing time to find it abandoned. The dinner hour? right i don't know if maybe i don't know if they serve dinner at queen of hearts people are just watching

mad owl right we're all watching mad owl that's a stripper like that's like sexy mad owl right yeah i could strip to mad owl hey big boy would big boy, would you like an A-block? Like, you know what I mean? I'm into it. Give it up for Wolf Blitzer. I mean, you know. That'd be fun, a cable news-themed strip club. I'm pretty confident there's been four burlesque shows with that theme yeah right

it should be something like you know she's on msnbc but you can see she's a real fox oh i've got breaking news. Yeah, my pants fell off. Whoops. If you like seniors, it's time for the Don Lemon Party. Something, something about stocks. They're rising and falling. Okay, let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jessica.

This is David from Colorado calling in with a submission for your long-running and beloved segment, Better Names for Small Appliances. A while back, I was showing my wife a feature of our coffee grinder that she didn't know it had. A while back, I was showing my wife a feature of our coffee grinder that she didn't know it had. And a few days later, I came down while she was grinding coffee and she says, you know, we've got a really good bean smasher. Thanks. Love the show. Yeah, cool. Yeah. I really support that. Call my toaster the bread torture.

man you know our old college friend uh matt dobbs uh used to put his wet laundry into the cooker and i just loved it every time what do you mean a cooker the well after you after you wash your laundry you put it into the cooker to dry it out like an oven what do you mean cooker there's an appliance called a cooker in which you cook your wet laundry it's different names for appliances jordan where does your laundry go after you wash it the cooker now i'm putting this together there's like is it a rice cooker no this sounds like a case for encyclopedia brown what is the cooker fucking cut to encyclopedia brown what is the fucking cut to encyclopedia brown doing crunches and figuring this shit out riverdale style that's all they do in fucking riverdale's crunches yeah sure i think they solve murders too and there's ghosts now. I don't know.

And people from 90210. People from 90210. I mainly keep up with Riverdale based on what Alex Zalbin tweets about. Oh, good. Yeah, our old friend Alex Zalbin from Elephant Larry tweets about Riverdale. Give us a call 206-984-4FUN or email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org as has this person. Hey boys, it's Carl in Michigan. And last week, I'm 35 years old. And last week, I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. And it's a momentous occasion. There's been so many moments of shame that now I don't have to anymore.

I managed to get married, but my mother-in-law thinks I'm an asshole, and I guess I still am, but now I have a doctor's note. Thank you so much. I love you. We love you, too. You're great.

Shout-out to neurodiversity. Big up neurodiversity. Big up neurodivergence. Shout-out to all my spectrum motherfuckers let's do this hey shout out to marriage huh oh big shout out to marriage you know what i'm gonna blow that shit up shout out to love and marriage oh my god shout out to babies and baby carriages like Like old blue eyes saying. I was going to say the next name. That's actually, what a great call.

Yeah. That is nice. It always feels nice to have a name for something. Yeah. Yeah. I know some folks who've been diagnosed as autistic as adults, and it is a real game changer to like have, to be able to have perspective on it, figure out, know that like, oh, I just have a different brain. Like I'm not a bad person. I just have a different type of brain. And, uh, so very happy to everybody

who's been able to do that. And you know i'll just say this uh you you you got a kid out there uh who's uh seems different but you can't figure out how go ahead and get a neuropsych evaluation baby hit up that neuropsych that'll help you figure out what to do smooth out that road ahead it does seem like this caller's uh mother-in-law is kind of riding him though huh oh fucking mother-in-laws oh my god you know my mother-in-law is at my house right now you know what she's probably doing uh telling my wife i'm not good enough for her okay yeah she's gonna come after you with the rolling pin i just know it oh geez another word for mother-in-law love crusher yeah i love like so many beans love crusher i know that

my mother-in-law crushed my baby carriage but the baby was not in there the baby was safe oh good it was just a bunch of cans like in speed yeah exactly that's like a weird thing that i just always remember and when i say it people also remember it that part in speed where it looks like they hit a baby carriage but it's a bunch of cans it's one of those things like um what were we we were talking talking about a couple of weeks ago? Oh, Chris Gaines. Like, why do we remember Chris Gaines anyway? Oh, yes. I mean, that seems important, even in retrospect. You know what I think of when I'm thinking cans?

It's got to be my upstairs neighbors, the Iversons, when I was a kid. They crushed their cans. They saved them under the stairs to bring to the recycling center uh and it was always troubling because they were all budweiser cans ah too many cans too many cans i was thinking that do they still have those like big recycling like those big brown like bins that you bring cans to and you they weigh and you get, you know, four bucks or something? Absolutely. And a wild thing about recycling centers is, and this is true, there are two recycling centers in my neighborhood where you bring your recycling and get a certain amount of money based on the redemption value or just by weight. A crazy thing that goes down at a recycling center is you get there and you

hear all this crashing sound of glass. And you think that it's because they're like crushing the glass to turn it into molten glass, whatever, whatever. But it's because glass is obviously, you know, bottles are obviously denser when they've been crushed, right? Like a pile of bottles that's been crushed is smaller than the same number of bottles that haven't been crushed. But people get confused and they think that means that their glass bottles are heavier when they've been crushed. They are heavier. They're denser. bottles are heavier when they've been crushed. They are heavier, they're denser, they're heavier relative to their size, but they obviously don't become heavier upon having been crushed.

But people will crush all of the glass bottles that they have before they weigh their glass bottles. And so when you cruise past the recycling center, there are just like three people with uh you know a a back of a car or a shopping cart or whatever full of glass bottles just crushing all their glass bottles there at the recycling center before they get weighed it is fucking wild wow sounds like maybe it'd be kind of like you know good for like getting out the rage a little bit. Totally. That is like, they should charge 20 bucks an hour just to throw glass bottles into the... Yeah, right. Like those rage rooms where you can go hit a microwave with a hammer.

Yeah. How is that not a TV show? It should be. Like you bring in people with anger issues and you have them smash glass and whoever smashes the most wins christella i think this is your pitch i mean i think this is the thing that's going to get you back on network tv oh man i hope not

christella you're known the world over i mean certainly in the united states but the world over as the rageaholic comic. You know what I mean? All the time. All the time. Yeah. All the time. You're up there with that vein,

that famous vein popping out of your forehead. Yeah, you know, it's kind of like Gallagher. Like, I don't smash watermelons. The vein just pops every night and just fills people with like rage can i just say you don't smash watermelons you smash hypocrites and phonies right okay yes not to mention those clowns in congress nobody's safe from the vein the vein alonzo veins out baby oh man can i i want to be a comic and a wrestler with that name yeah you can do both yes yes stand-up wrestling that's what we need shit that

actually might be a great idea stand-up wrestling veins out and sains out yes Insane's out. Yes. Cristela's famous catchphrase. It's a two-tag minimum. Fucking up these fucking phonies. Hypocrites. I hate hypocrites too. If you don't want to do the two-tag minimum, you can just get a thing of chicken fingers. Yeah.

It actually works too. Either way. They don't tell you that up there, but it's fine. That counts. You don't have to get... Yeah. It's okay to get the chicken fingers or a caesar caesar salad caesar salad yeah that's good nachos to share nachos or not jordan jordan you're being naughty again i'm bad it's my cheat day

i earned it okay okay. Okay, Jordan. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, of course, you have been thanking folks who pre-order your graphic novel Bubble from independent bookstores. What are the bookstores from which people have ordered the book this week? We got some orders from Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Curious Iguana Books in Frederick, Maryland. Bookstores are such dorky names. Every bookstore. Skyler or Shuler Books in Grand Rapids, Michigan, Minnesota. There's a Grand Rapids, Michigan. That one's pretty cool. That's a cool name. That is a cool name. Powell's in Portland.

We've got a couple orders from Powell's. Powell's is doing great in this. Other Worlds Games and Comics, also in Portland. A lot of great orders from Moon Palace Books in Minneapolis. Moon Palace coming out very strong. Definitely could take it all.

Book Warehouse in Vancouver. Eagle Eye Books, Atlanta. Kathy's Half Price Books in Haverton, PA. Dude, Kathy rules. Yeah, Kathy's own school. Kathy's dropping fucking huge discounts on books. Huge half price books. Books Inc. in Palo Alto, which claims to be the West's oldest independent bookstore.

So that's great. It's got a fun pun, too. Do you get it? I don't think. Books Inc. I do. I get it now don't think oh books inc i do i get it now that is fine uh book loft in columbus ohio uh perfect books in ottawa canada split rock books in cold springs

new york rediscovered books in boise idaho intergalactic imports in monterey california science fiction oh well here's here's a swedish word science fiction boken hayden in gotenberg sweden yeah fuck yeah i love fucking science fiction goten hayden jordan sub contest so you got this contest who's going to order the most copies of pre-order the most copies of bubble in a in a independent bookstore what what northern european country is going to order the most copies of bubble that's the the other one come on sweden's up one come on sweden what do you got finland where you at on this shit bookmark in halifax nova scotia a third house books in gainesville florida daydream comics in iowa city iowa astoria Bookshop in New York. Really strong.

Astoria Bookshop could take it. Yeah, Queens. Yeah. Queens, that's where it's at. Run DMC. Mysterious Galaxy in San Diego. Books Are Magic in Brooklyn. Also very strong.

Surprise, surprise. Yeah, people are just going there because they think they're going to see Hodgman. They might. The Book Seller, C-E-L-L-A-R, another fun pun in Chicago. Lido Village Books in Newport Beach. Afterwards, Tavern and Shelves in Kansas City, Missouri. Rainy Day Books in Kansas, Missouri.

Inprint Bookstore in Port Townsend, Washington. Elliott Bay Books in Seattle. And Lion's Tooth in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah, so far the leaders in this thing are Astoria Bookshop and Changing

Hands Bookstore in Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah, those are the shops to beat at this point. I'd like to hear Copenhagen come through. Where are the Danes on this? the winner i will get to on my own dime and sign some books so yes force me to fly to sweden man one time i flew to sweden it was great sweden's awesome because you look forward to it okay i said i say we do it let's just go do a show in sweden people want sure yeah of course they want that uh anyway pre-order bubble, you punks.

Yeah. Look, Jordan and Sarah Morgan worked so hard on this book. All these artists and colorists and shit, they worked hard on this fucking book. Here's the thing, if you pre-order it, when it comes, you get to read and enjoy it. We got skin in the game here, too.

We're giving up a little something. Jordan wrote a whole goddamn book for you. Yeah, gosh darn it. The least you could do is pre-order it. Yeah, go ahead and pre-order it. Yes, if you pre-order, you can get at me on social media. Or JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Let us know where you pre-ordered, and we'll shout him out on the show.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Joe Firestone. And I'm Manolo Moreno. Jessica. as far as Sweden, South Africa, and the Philippines. Here's an example. Yesterdog, where players must sing a Beatles song but throw in the word dog and dog-related terms. Like, do you have an example, Manolo? Yeah. Hey, dog. Dog, dog, dog bone. Oh, okay.

Dr. Game Show has new episodes every other Wednesday on Maximum Fun. Check us out. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chum Fun. Check us out. Check us out. Nice. Well, hello. I'm Renee Colvert. Hi, I'm Alexis Preston. And we are the hosts of Can I Pet Your Dog?

And we got breaking news. We got an expose. All the beans have been spilled via an Apple podcast review that said, This show isn't well-researched. Well, yeah, no duh. Of course it's not. Not since the day we started has it been well-researched. Guessing and anthropomorphizing dogs is what we do.

The Can I Pet Your Dog promise is that we will never do more than 10 seconds of research before telling you excitedly about any dog we see. I'm going to come at you with top 10 enthusiasm, minimal facts. We're here for a good time, not an educated time. So if you love dogs and you don't love research, well, you know what? Come on in to Can I Pet Your Dog podcast every Tuesday on Maximum Fun Network. work it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and cristal alonso casey casem's half sister i recommend my fate my new favorite baseball player is nobuyuki kagawa i recommend everybody Google Nobuyuki Kagawa and check out this guy. Shaped like a barrel, playing baseball.

Pretty darn good, too. Love him. Daiei Hawks. Nobuyuki Kagawa. Highly recommended. I'd like to close the show with a recommendation. It's called The Outshot. Jesse, wrong podcast.

Oh, no. Wrong podcast. Oh, no. right uh jesse wrong podcast oh no wrong podcast we gotta start over from the beginning now that's the rule that is the rule that's the rule that's the rule oh geez uh christella there are some things that you're involved with that our listeners should check out uh let's hear a little bit more about this Pixar thing, huh? Pixar thing, awesome. It's five episodes. It's available on Disney+. It's called Inside Pixar.

And basically, we get to find out, I get to talk to animators and figure out how the movies are made. It's fantastic. I love animation, but man, they break it down. The way that they explain it, you realize what you love about Pixar is that you realize that as a kid, you know, when I was a kid, people always told me I had to grow up. You know, it's like eventually you'll grow out of the things you love and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you see the animators at Pixar and you realize that's so not true. It's all bullshit. When they tell you that when you become an adult,

you just become better at the thing you wanted to be as a kid. You know what I mean? So it's, it was amazing. Like I really, I enjoyed it a lot. Like I loved it. I, me working, when I get to work with Pixar, it's always like one of the best things I've, like I've done. I love it. They have really good food up there in Emeryville i had lunch there one time it was killer yeah they'll just give you as much fucking tasty lunch as you want jordan get up there to emeryville they got people cooking the lunch you know what i mean cool it's like a cart like a like a carving station

oh god yes yeah oh yeah you can ask them to trim off a little extra fat or ask them to trim in a little extra fat that's my preference yeah i add fat i always add extra fat to my little fat i know like you know what he trimmed it can i have his fat i'd love his fat i always say i'll take some roast beef with all the trimmings. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. And then I wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. The weird thing is, is when you say it out loud. Yeah, you shouldn't say wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. And then he blinkss rapidly.

Well, a lot of times while they're trimming, they're showing off by doing it with their eyes closed. So I want to make sure that they can hear what's going on. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. These guys really are show-offs, Jordan. That's the other thing. These fucking guys are show-offs, a bunch of fucking phonies. These roast beef trimmers. Yeah, the peeve-y boys.

Oh, my God. I guess you guys saw my new hour. It's all about the roast beef trimmers. Yeah. Yeah, fucking I admit it. i'm just copping lines from your new hour i felt like i kind of put my own spin on it but maybe i'm wrong i i shouldn't i shouldn't steal premises like that even if my punch lines are a little different you know and then mine didn't have any punch lines that is different yeah i'm doing that now

just saying stuff that came into my head instead of forming it into jokes let's just do setups hey how about i just say the name of more japanese baseball players why not let's do this that's a show fuck it at the end i tell you a little about a murder. It's a fucking hit show now. But just a little bit. Not too much about the murder. Just a little bit of murder. Well, Christelle Alonso, it is always a joy to have you on the program.

We thank you so profoundly. And you know what? Your plants thank you. They love you. Thank you. They love you. Thank you. They love you. I'm talking to your plants right now. They sent me a message to tell you.

It's we love you, Mommy. That's all I ever want. I just want you. I know. So, you know, they don't always say it because they're teenagers. And you know how teenagers are, just locking themselves in their room, listening to the radio but yeah yeah they're they're crystal sets i just i love them so much i love them so much there's that one moment where there's no like other plants around and they just

reach out and for a second they hold your hand and that's when you know those are the little things the little things sometimes when i when i give them something to drink they just slurp it up so quick and i'm like that's right it'll always be mommy's little seedlings i know i know all of my plants are called audrey too by the way that's good i mean yeah if you found the perfect plant name, why fuck with it, you know? Yeah, I mean, why am I going to try? It's already there. We're on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne. We're on Reddit at Pasadena dot Reddit dot com. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Jordan's cat is Bug. I'm on Goodreads, too. I'm on Goodreads. Check me out on Goodreads. Check out Jordan on Goodreads. Jordan does a lot of reading. I mean, half of Jordan's Instagram is just books he read.

Yeah. If you want to know what cool novels Jordan's reading, check out Goodreads. I don't have shit to put on Instagram, so it's just going to be some photos of books. It's books. It's books. It's the cat. Hmm. Do I have the best Instagram? I guess I do.

People want hot wrecks for books to read. I don't have Mario Lopez commenting yet. Oh, I'm going to work on that. But, you know, Jordan, you're going to have a hot wreck summer, and that's okay. I was hoping it was going to be a white boy summer. Shea Hayes changed his tune. He's all about reading. Because if you read enough, you get a free personal pan pizza.

Right. Always, always. Obviously, we're recording this episode a little bit in advance. Do you think by the time this comes out, people will have forgotten about white boy summer or will it be even bigger uh i mean my prediction is even bigger because somebody had to speak up against plaid and in my opinion in my opinion in my opinion the only way to speak up against plaid is in patois. That's like, it's a natural fit to do a fake Jamaican voice while talking about how people have to give up plaid. Did he do that? He did.

He did. He gave the rules of White Boy Summer. Honestly, his rules were great. His rules were no more plaid. Leave that on the picnic table. He was probably talking about gingham, to be frank. But he said no more plaid. Leave on uh the picnic table he was probably talking about gingham to be frank but he said no more plaid leave that leave that on the dining room table he said no sperry top siders uh get yourself some uh i believe he recommended vans or converse um again i think

that's pretty rock solid advice coming from chet hayes. And then just as he was about to sign out, he remembers and he goes, oh, and no calling girls smoke shows. I was like, this is all great advice. This is rock solid advice, Chet Hayes. I'm not against any of this except for the Jamaican voice. That's the only part. The part where you say Ponder Replay or whatever's the only part the part where you say ponder replay or whatever is the only part i'm against here wow well i mean i think uh what we can all agree to is that white boy summer is a complex issue yeah that's true we're not gonna solve it here we're not gonna solve it but we can all agree that it is multifaceted.

Absolutely. It is. It is. You know what I'm celebrating? Intersectional boy summer. Hey, that's nice. I'm having a hot girl bummer. Why is this the episode title? Mark it.

Mark it down. In the closing seconds, the episode title gets in there. You came in at the last second like you were Chet Hayes saying, oh, yeah, no more calling girls smoke shows. At the buzzer. We'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse go maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported