Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 684: Horny Turing Test with Josh Gondelman

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

Josh Gondelman (Make My Day podcast, Desus and Mero) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's attempt to do the show on easy mode with sports bloopers, Jordan's quest to find something he likes at Dunkin Donuts, the most impressive shoe in Josh's sneaker collection. Plus, Jordan challenges Josh and Jesse to a game of guessing AI pickup lines! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, the bottom of the barrel. Jordan Morris, boy detective. This is where I'm at, Jordan. For years on this program, we have tried to create original content. We've tried to think of new ideas. We've tried to zig when others are zagging. Right. But the honest truth is, daddy tired. And so I decided this week we're going easy. We're going to go with easy stuff. Okay.

So let's see. How can we reshuffle our five stories this week? So, Jordan, I have a specific idea for what the easiest thing we can do is. No, I mean, listen, I'm no daddy. Yeah. But, I mean, I'm tired in my own way. I could take one on easy mode. Sure, what's the proposal? Well, I sent a video clip.

Now, obviously, this is an audio program, but I sent a video clip to our friend Brian Fernandez. Okay. Brian, of course, is the producer of this program. This is a clip of Oakland Athletics center fielder Ramon Laureano at bat. Ramon Laureano, great ball player, really fun to watch. He turns to get out of the way of a pitch, and Jordan, the ball hits him. Oh my gosh.

I know. A lot of people think baseball is not a contact sport, but once in a while that ball will hit you. So our easy mode is sports bloopers? Will we be getting into on-set practical jokes from popular sitcoms? Well, as soon as we get Clooney or Richard Kind, yes. Yeah, dudes love pranks.

God, they love pranking each other. Those two are fucking rascally boys. So we're going to watch a clip. Yeah, well, I think this is an audio program. So Brian's going to play the full audio here of the scene. So just imagine, if you will, Ramon Laureano up to bat. He's a handsome man, very athletic, which is why he went into athletics professionally. I can see it all now in my mind's eye.

This is the A's announcers, Ray Fossey, and I can't remember who it is, but go ahead and press play, Brian. Oh! They were checking to see if he swung. He did check his swing, and then he was hit by a pitch. That's usually what happens to a guy who's squaring around the bunt, but that ball ran in so hard.

Hope we got him in the midsection because... Yeah, so that last sound, Jordan, that's the sound of a man realizing it didn't get him in the midsection. The uh? Well, what you hear there is, I think that was Ray Fossey saying, yeah, I hope it got him in the midsection. They play the replay, and you see the ball hit him, and he just says, uh. Oh, he got narded then. Yeah, he did get narded well i'm sorry to hear that

have you if have we gotten gotten word is he okay i think ramon loriano's okay it's it look i would never have if ramon loriano were not okay i would never have played this audio jordan i would never have played this audio unless it would have benefited my career in some way i would like to know before we you know goof on some way i would like to know before we you know goof on this guy i would like to know that he has full sexual function too like no he's fine i sucked his dick earlier and how was it did it seem like it was functional was there any bruising it seemed fully functional and i didn't see any bruising, I was looking at the time, to be honest, at his midsection. Oh, well.

Geographically, that's where my eyes, that's my eyeline there is more of his midsection. And now, Jordan, I know that you're a busy executive. I'm not, but if that'll help this bit, yes, I am. Sure. Business, business, hold my call. Secretary, secretary. business business hold my call secretary secretary um yes secretary secretary the famous chant of the business chant of the businessman cappuccino briefcase so uh but anyway i know that you hate to, uh, you know, your time is very valuable. It is. Yes. And I knew that you would appreciate an executive summary of that video. So we obviously,

for the benefit of the home listener, we played the whole thing, you know, from, from when he gets hit to when they show the replay. But this is kind of the boiled down, what you need to know, nuts and bolts, action items, sounds from the video. Yeah. Well, this is, uh, well, this is, this is great. So the man's Nard, do they, do they ever now, I mean, when I'm thinking of sports bloopers, did those exist anymore? I feel like those were like specials when I was a kid, they would show the bloopers and they would have the like calliope music and then the like America's Funniest Home Videos doinks. Like will that video be shown at all featuring inserted doinks? Yeah, Jordan, I'll tell you this right now. You know a you're not a big sports fan i'm a i'm a

bigger sports fan the only like category of youtube content that i engage with regularly other than like desperately trying to figure out how to put a drywall screw in or whatever, is like 25 minute long compilation of sports clips, which very lonely, bored people put together on any theme. So it's not just that you can still watch sports bloopers, which God knows you can, but you could watch 20 minutes of just balls hitting baseball players on the head and then going over the outfield fence. So like if your interest is rolled ankles. Yeah. If you're interested only in basketball players getting other basketball players nuts in their

face. I'm not. I'm not not interested in it. Now that one Pornhub is where I recommend you go rather than YouTube. But generally speaking, you can find 25 minutes of like, you know, you type in dumbest running plays. I mean, it works for good things, too. Stealing bases or, you know, people stealing home. But I guess my main question about this, because knowing YouTube and knowing, you know, its uses, this is not a surprise. I guess I am mainly curious if people are adding calliope music and doinks.

Or is that, did that die in 1992? Yeah, here's the thing. It is really hard to find royalty-free doinks. And the doink owners are so litigious. Right. The Michael Jackson bought them all before he died. And Prince has some and he didn't leave a will his half brother thinks he has some they're in a vault somewhere yes really hard to get the

doinks and you know every time the doinks seem like they're about to get in the public domain uh congress extends the copyright to benefit of course who walt disney yeah walt disney once again protecting his doinks if you if we can get a hold of some of these public domain doinks and i don't know that we can um you know obviously our powers are limited but i mean do you think our show could benefit from some added calliope music and doinks I'm glad that you're asking that question I want to get back to my original thrust here uh this is a an executive summary version of that video that I put together for you since you're a very busy executive. Where's that

secretary with my cappuccino in a briefcase? Oh boy. Sorry Jesse. It's hard to find good help these days. Could you play the executive summary version please? Oh! Gotcha. There you go. Can you play it one more time?

Oh! Oh! Gotcha. Mm. Mm. there you go you play one more time Jordan saved me a lot of time thanks I have glad to help hiring and I can get back to hiring and firing spreadsheets meetings our lunches Jordan all my other executives I'm gonna give you a chance to really shine here and really show what this thing can do. I want you to go ahead and bloop. Just give us some kind of blooper, any kind of blooper, whatever kind of blooper you want. We'll put it on tape and then we'll follow it up with this new sound and we'll watch our listenership spike through the fucking ceiling. Okay. So like an audio bloop is what you're looking for. Like an audio gaffe or something like that.

Yeah, a gaffe. You know, I mean, look, you're no President Joe Biden, okay? King of the gaffes. But you've been known to put your foot in your mouth once in a while and give it a little lick. It's true. It's true. As the expression goes. So, yeah, any kind of bloop, gaffe, misspeech, stumble, stumble, bum, spoken manner, whatever it is.

Yeah. Okay, let's see. Oh, yeah. Okay. My feet are cold i'm gonna put on gloves oh oh oh i meant socks that is really funny that is really funny that is really good right probably some of the best work we've ever done certainly the most insightful yeah i mean sophisticated this is our p-body god finally finally i can taste it i can taste the p-body should we introduce our guest on the program what does the p-body taste like jordan um you know it uh tastes like something i deserve sure it tastes like something it's like something i deserve. Sure. That's right.

It tastes like something. It tastes like something I deserve. Something you deserve. It tastes like. Yeah, the taste of my hard work being rewarded. Finally. Yeah. Jordan.

I am unclear on what the Peabody's are for, by the way. I mean, they're for playing the sounds of announcers reacting to somebody catching it in the nards. That's what it's that. It's the last one that really moves me, I think. Like the first two are just exclamations. The last one actually comes a couple seconds after the video runs. And it's just a deep soul cry. You know what I mean?

Play it one more time, Brian. Okay, our guest on the program. He's a stand-up comic. He's a writer and co-executive producer on the Desus and Mero television program. He's the host of the podcast Make My Day. He's a celebrated sneaker switcher and Dunkin' Donuts coffee enthusiast, Mr. Joshua Gondelman. Hi, Josh.

Hello. Thank you so much for having me. It's so nice to see you. And Brian, you missed the cue. You missed the cue. You were supposed to play the sound as soon as josh said hello to us and then was that a gaffe him saying hello was it a mistake i don't know just play the sound brian it oh oh i don't know what people like i mean maybe it'll be the sound it's not whatever i do so i'm just trying stuff i like the condensed

bloopers i think i think you could have yourself quite a youtube compilation of just the grunts and doinks all grunts and doinks i think it would be nice too because you'd save on shipping costs. Oh yeah, for sure. Get it in a much smaller can. Josh, Jesse mentioned you were a Dunkin' Donuts fan. That's true. I, I moved recently and I have a very close Dunkin'. Yes.

And I have never liked Dunkin'. Okay. I have, I don't think I've ever had a, you know, liked Duncan. Okay. I don't think I've ever had a trip to a Duncan that's been above a B- to me personally. Oh, no. I know. I don't mean to come in hot. No, no, no. I want to hear this out. Is that... Sorry, Jordan. Maybe Josh can clear this up. Is that not the brand? Is that not what they're offering?

There is kind of a charming grab bag quality to going there where like you order a thing and they give you a thing but sometimes those aren't the same thing and that's like kind of fun it's like going to the baseball store and getting yourself a grab bag you're gonna get a couple g gumballs. You know that. It's like a Yankee swap. You always give them money and then they give you a product that they offer. It's a lot, Jordan. Let me explain this. It's like an Amish barn racing.

You get all your friends together. You go down to the Duncan and all of a sudden, old Amos has a barn. I want to know, what is your Dunkin' order? And is there something, because just proximity-wise, this thing is so convenient for me. And it would really help me out if I could grow to love Dunkin', I think. Because, you know, I'm always looking for convenience. That's my number one. This guy's a busy executive, Josh.

I'm a busy executive. So you go in and you order the cappuccino briefcase. I order the cappuccino briefcase. You're yelling at your secretary. Secretary, secretary, secretary. Crawlers, bear claws. Secretary. So what do you get?

And is there something that maybe I'm missing? So my general go-to order is I get an iced coffee, medium or large, depending on how tired I am. Milk, one sugar. One pump of sweetener. Because they do the liquid cane sugar at the one near me. And that is pretty simple. sugar at the one near me. So, and that's, that is pretty simple. I mean, I, I, I was teasing earlier, but I have to take, take my hat off to the Duncan in my neighborhood in Brooklyn. I think they do a terrific job. Um, but ice coffee, milk, like whole milk, one sugar, and then rarely food.

But I think my favorite food item they have currently is the beyond sausage breakfast sandwich on an English muffin. Is this the one Snoop Dogg advertises or did advertise at one point? I don't know. I, I bet Snoop Dogg would like it. I like it. If Snoop Dogg, he seems like an open-minded guy who might entertain a meat substitute.

I think he, I think Snoop wants to the, to increase the longevity of the planet through decreased red meat consumption, I think you'd give it a shot. You know, I will say that all of my orders when I've been there have been donuts, so I've never done, like, the breakfast sandwiches, the breakfast. Do they have a burrito? Do they do a burrito?

They do, like, a wake-up wrap, they call it, I think. Okay. How have your donut orders come out non-standard? You know, they've just like... Did you get one, Jordan, with two holes? Yeah, exactly. I'm like, a second hole? It's all holes.

Just an empty bag? They do oops all holes. Once a year, and I guess that's the time of year I'm going in. It's just an inflated paper bag like someone's been huffing into it you know every time i go i'm like this this just tastes like it it was it was shipped in from somewhere it's like i think it tastes and maybe it could be that i'm going to these like california duncans that we've only gotten recently. And maybe the legit East coast ones are more legit. I don't know.

Is it a tap water thing is what I meant. It's the bagels and the dunk, the bagels in New York and all the Dunkin franchises. It's just that, that water. I also think my best donut recommendation is the blueberry glazed. Okay. Which you formerly known as formerly known as

the blueberry cake but i think they just okay yeah um i i love it duncan i i like truly do um and but i do think like the food like that that breakfast sandwich is pretty good and i don't think it relies on like pastry freshness as much as like getting like uh you know because i feel like when you get like a uh boston cream donut or whatever a chocolate glazed donut it really is like it sinks or swims based on how fresh the donut is right because like any fried food you want it out of the fryer you don't want you don't want an hour two hour old one. Here's my real question about donuts. Yes. There are these fancy donut places, you know, where they put bacon on your donut or they put breakfast cereal on your donut. I'm going to be frank. I've eaten those donuts. I've never been impressed. I've always just thought,

I mean, it's fine. It's a donut. Nothing wrong with it. I've never been impressed. Then there are a few donut chains your duncans your winchell's donuts these are you know your uh crispy cream donuts crispy cream donuts a little different because they're because they're littler you know what i mean it's kind of a you're leaving out yum yum of course you got yum yum donuts gotta shout out yum yum shouts to yum yum well yum yum i think is actually just a more successful entrant in another broad category of donuts and my understanding is that this is maybe a california thing uh because of like immigration patterns or something like that but uh i never had chain donuts. Still don't.

Like there's so many independent donut stores near my house. And what I want to know is, is it like those frozen yogurt places where they all just like once a month place an order with Yogurt Incorporated that makes frozen yogurt powder? order with yogurt incorporated that makes frozen yogurt powder and so they literally are all the same because i've never eaten a donut outside of like krispy kreme being a little different or fancy donuts being a little disappointing where i thought this is significantly different than the other donuts i've eaten like i feel like the middle 85 of the donut market all the donuts are identical and they're all coming from completely different stores with different owners, different decors, different neighborhoods, whatever. I hear what you're saying. You think there's a centralized donut distribution center

or several that dish out 85% identical donuts to all these different chains. Well, I mean, I'll give you an example here, Joshua, or I'll give you an analogous situation. Let's take the bagel. You live in Brooklyn, New York City, the home of the bagel. That's true. And if I go to the independent bagel store near our friend John Hodgman's house, which when I am visiting John Hodgman, I do every single day because I love a bagel. And the bagels there are really good. Don't look at their social media is my understanding.

But if I go to the bagel hall, if I go to the bagel hall and get myself a bagel. It is amazing the neutral businesses that have found ways to have bad takes on social media right it's really stunning it's really stunning it truly could be like a place that sells garden hoses and it'll be like for when you're in your garden growing all those natural things that mean we don't need vaccines come down down to Tom's Sporting Goods. Where we go one, we go all. I just need goggles. I just need swim goggles.

It's amazing that a bad take could emanate from a 120-square-foot business. It's incredible. The bagel hole. So if I go to the bagel hole, that is a significantly different product. Yes. Than another bagel store down the street. And both of those bagels are significantly different than a Noah's bagel or here in Los Angeles, a Brooklyn bagel bakery bagel. These are all dramatically different products. Whereas I feel like I could go to 20 independently owned donut stores in Los Angeles and they

would be indistinguishable products. This is where you go for the best donut. You go to an apple orchard. This might be a very New England thing. Yeah, you're like, I'll tell you where you go for the best walls. There's a big green one in left field in a little place called Fenway Park. Here's what you do. You pull up your lobster trap.

I don't have a lobster trap. You're just assuming I have a lobster trap. The best donut of all is there in Harvard Yard. Now, how do you get there? Well, first you got to park your car. So you go to an apple orchard. You trick a Kennedy. He'll owe you a favor.

You beat him in a game of touch football. He'll take you to where his father's treasure is buried. In the grave of carly estremski who's still alive but maybe he's gonna be picked out yeah absolutely i feel like that's just smart planning so you like it are you telling us about an apple cider donut here an apple cider donut fresh made at an apple uh orchard or other pickery. Can I tell you why I don't think so? Please. I think that those baked donuts, those cakey, heavy donuts, are significantly worse than the fluffy fried kind.

I think that is a big difference. I mean, I don't mind, look, like a buttermilk bar, old-fashioned, sure. But the kind of like dense, cakey, like the kind that you get in a bag, that somebody dumps out of a bag onto a plate at the reception after church, like the powdered sugar kind. Yep. The apple cider donut is absolutely no doubt about it the best of those but i believe it to be a second tier it's a second class donut i feel like i

must have had a like a lighter fried version of those really the only ones i've ever had are like dense and dense and cakey no i don't think oh wow yeah well. Yeah. Well, then I'm in. Sold. All right. I think if you see an orchard, say something. No. Thank you. I think if you have the chance, I would try it again, like a fresh. Because it's nice. It's very flavorful. And it definitely feels better than almost any donut store donut i've ever i've ever experienced once on a

school trip josh i went to an apple orchard and uh at the apple orchard my roommates who were sharing it was an overnight school trip my roommates who were sharing my room each bought a gallon of unpasteurized apples apple juice at the apple orchard to take home for their families. And this was in middle school. We were 12. And anyway, you were the providers. Yeah. My family needs juice. That's like, that is like what a kid would be like, all right, well, a lot riding on my shoulders. Better make sure there's juice for my family. I have returned, mother. My roommates or hotel roommates bought this unpasteurized apple cider.

Now, I don't know if you know what happens if you have unpasteurized apple cider and you don't have a refrigerator to refrigerate it in. What it turns into is alcoholic apple cider and it explodes. And so these two gallons of apple cider exploded in this middle school hotel room. That is how Hanson trashes a hotel room after a performance. Yeah, the hotel manager comes up. He's like, well, they're gone. Hanson!

And they're just bopping their way to the next town. And they're just waving politely from the window of their tour bus. Thanks for having us. Do you guys think that Hanson are the heirs to the Hanson apple juice fortune? Oh, I don't know. I'm not aware of that apple juice. I think that's a brand of apple juice. That's a fun connection.

Yeah, I think they probably are. They're probably the richest men in Oklahoma. They're probably the richest men in Oklahoma. Josh, would you say that getting donuts from an apple orchard is the most New England thing about you, or is there something more? You ever rode crew? I did not ride crew. I did today wear very New England loafers. Okay.

Yep, I wore some loafers today. You ever wear a Larry Bird jersey around Brooklyn? I've got a Larry Bird jersey. I'll tell you that. I'd like to see it. It's on my way. I would get it, but my wife is asleep where I keep the jerseys. Be careful not to step on anyone's Jordans.

That's my recommendation while you're wearing that. I guess I don't know what a shirt. It's a shirt jersey, right? It's like a t-shirt with jersey patterning on it. So it's got a number and the name across the shoulders. And it's just much cheaper than a replica jersey. So does it have like... Because I'm seeing where the straps of the jersey go down. It does not have a fake tank top like one of those towels that looks like a sexy lady.

That's what I was going to ask if it has muscles printed on it. No, it does say FBI Federal Booty Inspector. Federal Bird Inspector because it's a Larry Bird. If I see Larry Bird, yeah, patting him down. He's Tara hot. It's a little Indiana humor. With a French like that. Yeah.

This is the town Larry Burr is from. There you go. There you go. Good work. We've explained ourselves sufficiently. No further questions on this bit. Yeah. Listen, the bit's solid, and if you don't like it it's your

fault listener fundamentally jordan assures the is not so much an answer to the question of how can we make a replica jersey more affordable as josh presented it it's more honestly an answer to the question uh how can we sell basketball jerseys when an adult man wearing a basketball jersey while not playing basketball is a truly embarrassing situation, unless you're yoked and it's summer. Specifically, if I wore a Celtics jersey, people would assume that I was in House of Pain. You wouldn't even have to be jumping around. No. People would yell jump around at me.

Wow. House of Pain. I'll clarify this anytime they're brought up. Not from Boston. We do not claim them. Wow. So they're just appropriating Boston dude culture then. Which is just being white and jumping around in the street.

Yeah. Being white and drunk, I think, is the two main things. What you don't see at the end of the video is after the St. Patrick's Day parade, they then steal $500,000 worth of art from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. Which is...

Wow. Wait, House of Pain do this? Everlast or one of the other guys? The other guy. Danny Brown, I think his name is. Everlast can't pick anything up. He's carrying around that goddamn acoustic guitar. Fucking Everlast. I'd love to help you with this heist,

but... I'm doing more of a college rock thing now. I'm opening for dmb god bless him not the worst at it josh you have a great new podcast where you play games which is a good theme for a podcast i think i'm trying to lead into a game thing. Oh, I can't wait. Giving a little lead in here. Jordan's a gamer babe, Josh, just so you know. I'm a gamer babe, not a fake gamer girl. I can name three Marios.

Wait, what are the three Marios? Mario Puzo. Right. Mario Andretti. Mario Batali. Boom, did it. Real gamer babes. The Andretti. Mario Batali. Yeah. Boom. Did it. Real gamer babes.

The three Marios. Real gamer babe. I was jealous of your show. What a good job you do with the games. Thank you. How it's a show with content. And I strive for our show to be that. Yeah.

I mean, that's why I brought in those guys going, oh. Yeah. Maybe didn't have the impact because i couldn't see it but i'll trust you that it was funny while you were watching it i mean you had to you just have to think like why are these guys making that noise somebody probably caught it in the nards yeah sure you know i feel like if you could have licensed even a single doink just paid the fee to it or to um uh to doink express or whatever the service for licensing is. The estate of John Doinkus.

You have to get a lawyer and shit, Josh. But yeah. I feel like it would have driven it home if you'd heard the like, oh, doink. And again, please don't take this down because of a copyright violation, because I did kind of a bootleg doink. And then the uh, I think it would have driven it home a little bit. Right. I mean, did you know? I don't know.

Maybe Josh, maybe Josh, you know this. But Jordan, did you know that De La Soul's albums are still not on streaming because they cannot clear the doinks? Right. Live doinks right yeah live doinks i mean the the production i we're joking but like the production and the layering on their second album de la is doink yeah thank you balloon doink state doinks is high they're all none of them are available um it's a travesty that's a piece of musical history three feet high and doinking i'll take it three doink three doink high and rise that a little that scan a little better yes three doink feet high and rising there you go just say all the words but then add doink in between.

Don't switch any of the words. Like middle school girls speaking in a secret code language. It's like, doink, doink a soul. Jordan and I are twins. This is how we talk to each other, so our parents don't understand. That's true. So, Jordan, you have a game for us? And when Jesse jacks off off my gums start bleeding

also sometimes when we call each other we both get a busy signal because we call each other and then jordan's gums start bleeding because i'm jacking off i mean it's just like when i can't not jack off if i hear a busy signal well it's like such an exciting surprise these days it's like it's a little titillating i know wow doink i'm sure you guys have uh you know i'm seeing all these think pieces about you know post you know post-vaccine life and yeah a lot of people are theorizing that it's going to be uh it's going to be a very horny time sure our friend matt bronger was just theorizing that um uh it would be horny especially if jill scott did any concerts that would that would help overall horniness god you make me very horny and so you know i just wanted to like kind of like ease our viewers. And by viewers, I mean listeners.

Yeah. We're painting such a good picture on this episode that it's like they're seeing it. It is. This is theater of the mind, first and foremost. These people are still trying to get over the gorgeous picture I painted of Ramon Laureano when I said he was handsome and athletic. It's true. And, you know, this is actually just something I kind of wanted to do anyways and forgive the

forgive the awkwardly inserted news peg. I'm actually trying to get a writing job on Gutfeld and just really wanted to workshop some stuff with you guys. Jordan, can I just say something?

I mean, it sounds like maybe you're joking about that, but I created the opening credits for Gutfeld and I'm really proud of those dancing letters it was my idea to spell his name in dancing cartoon letters wow oh my god it's so terrible jordan it's so bad hey j, Jesse, come on. I need some health insurance points, okay? Don't torpedo my chance to get on Gutfeld.

Not torpedo the bit. I don't think it's a union job. Oh, well. They're like, look, we need a freelance writer. Just anyone who knows any words, we'll put them in the prompt. College credit. We'll let you smell Greg's sandwich after he bites it all the free my pillows you can take home you know how that guy could wait i always wanted

very briefly for many many years i've resented greg gutfeld not just because he's doing conservative comedy or whatever his work used to be relatively apolitical he was an advertising guy who had an advertising dinner with the head of fox news or whatever roger stone or somebody and said you know who should have a tv show at this dinner about advertising you know who should have a tv show because a lot of people would buy ads on it me why don't you just put me on tv and the guy said yes that's like what like your uncle says when you go home for things like not even like i have cool uncles that don't think they should be on tv but like just like a replacement level uncle that's just like oh you you you work in comedy? You know who should be on Saturday Night Live?

Me. Yeah, it's like if the head of NBC greenlit a sitcom about dentists. Because when he was at the orthodontist, the orthodontist was like, you know what would be a great sitcom? A dentist thing with me, an orthodontist the orthodontist was like you know what would be a great sitcom a dentist thing with me an orthodontist well now i'm definitely not taking the job yeah i was on the fence about it if you get one look at that those fucking dancing letters you're gonna be changing your tune i'm always so impressed by people who just have like dumb dickhead confidence. Yeah. Cause I feel like I I'm getting better about just like talking to people

about like my goals and like, you know, maneuvering, talking with other professionals. But there were so many years where I would just be like, uh, I think I would like to, to try a comedy and people.

And then there's guys like Greg Gutfeld that are just like, you should call it Gutfeld News instead of Fox News. The guy in charge is like, it does have a ring to it, but what if someone thinks we're too Jewish? And he's like, all right, just give me a show.

I memorized three George Carlin routines. One's about a bunch of dirty words that I'd like to say on television and no one said i can't yet hey it's me greg gutfield and i totally talk like this that's just his aura though like a smug accentless uh charisma-less presence yeah but like i don't know he just has that like energy of like a guy that just like can't wait to like harass a woman on the street you know i feel like my response to every single like he does like

a take at the end of saying something and my the response that i want to give to it basically every time is yes greg you are a stinker yeah i mean his the the tagline for this show should be telling america to smile america would be so pretty if it just smiled okay jordan you brought us a game now this it sounds like this game is about horniness i wanted to help our listeners uh head into you know what is potentially going to be the horniest time in history with some new pickup lines so is it would you say this is going to be even hornier than roman times uh hard to say i mean i think there's definitely going to be a lot of intentional vomiting. Got it.

Just over either way. Whether you're talking about summer and fall of 2021 or Roman times in the famous Vomitoria. Yeah, lots of intentional vomiting. I mean, a big advantage of Roman times is easy genital access. Right. Just lift up the robe. Yeah. There's those Jennys.

Yeah. Did you know that's what Jenny's ice cream? It's short for Genitals Ice Cream. I did know that. But I think they changed it to Jenny's just because

they were having so many presidential candidates visit the store and they just felt weird about it. Yeah. Like, I love this ice cream. I'd love to they just felt weird about it. Yeah. Like, I love this ice cream. I'd love to feature it on my Insta. Yeah.

I mean, like, obviously, Biden was chill with it. But like, yeah, some of the other ones. Look, we came here. Obviously, we know the ice cream is phenomenal. But no one can know this until you change the name. Yeah. So I was looking around the internet for pickup lines and found this list.

This is from the blog of Janelle C. Shane. She has a blog called AI Weirdness, and these are pickup lines written by an AI. This is real. This part is real. So there's a- Is that Jude Law or just a... Yeah, just the whole cast of AI.

The robotic bear. I don't remember anything else from the movie. Let's not continue this. I have no other AI pulls. Well, Stanley Kubrick writes the first half of the pickup line. There you go. Steven Spielberg brings it home. Thank you, Josh.

Thank you, Josh. Thank you, Josh. So here's an example. Here's an example of one of the AI pick-up lines. I'm losing my voice from all the screaming your hotness is causing me to do. Right. That's real. So I have a list. That's one of the ones that Allen Iverson actually used.

Right. Maybe I don't get that one. What's that? It was a basketball player, AI, known as AI. Oh, that's fun.

So I have, I have a list. I'll give you a, I'll go back and forth between you. Two of them are real. One of them is fake. You have to pick out the fake. Okay.

Josh, you're going first. Two of these are real AI pickup lines. I love you. I don't care if you're a dog. Two of these are real AI pickup lines. I love you. I don't care if you're a doggo in a trench coat. Okay. Don't take me for a joker. I'm interested in marriage, as long as it's fashionable.

Okay. And I will briefly summarize the plot of Back to the Future 2 for you. I do feel like, okay, I feel like the third one is too linear. I'm going to say the third one is the fake one. No, I'm sorry. That is real. The fake one was, don't take me for a joker. I'm interested in marriage as long as it's fashionable.

Wow. So I love you. I don't care if you're a doggo in a trench coat and i will briefly summarize the plot of back to the future 2 for you both real wow i feel like there i know people who could make those work yeah especially the back to the future one i'd be intrigued if someone said that to me i'm like you have two minutes yeah i'd let ria i'd let ria summarize the uh back to the future too for me sure not yeah there's something sensual about that yeah uh jesse this one's for you okay which one of these is fake was your father in the military because you seem like someone i could get used to. Just as I've gotten used to what? The military industrial complex?

Don't know. Okay. You have a lovely face. Can I put it on an air freshener? I want to keep your smell close to me always. Oh, I like that one. That one, I think that could make that work. It's coming on a little strong,

but it is like, I feel like if you're feeling that vibe, like you're gonna be off the hell yeah plug it in baby uh and finally you look like jesus if he were a butler in a russian mansion any idea any idea what the fake is you look like jesus if he were a butler in a russian mansion what kind of butler j Josh, do you think a Russian has specifically? Russian mansion? I feel like,

I don't know why I think this, but like a butler slash bodyguard. Yeah. Like a burly butler. Yeah, Russia's a rough country. You want somebody who can do both. Yeah. Get you a butler who can do both.

Beat up any bears that might get in. Yeah. Okay. Give them to me real quick one more time, Jordan. Yeah, absolutely. Was your father in the military? Because you seem like someone

I could get used to. You have a lovely face. Can I put it on an air freshener? I want to keep your smell close to me, always. You look like Jesus if he were a butler in a Russian mansion.

I think this butler one, I think you made that one up. No, that's real. That is a real AI pickup line. The fake was, was your father in the military because you seem like someone I could get used to. Wow. Josh, this next one's for you. Okay.

Hey, my name is John Smith. Will you sit on my bread box while I cook or is there some kind of speed limit on that thing? Okay. That one rules. Whoever wrote it, I like. Yeah, I'm all ready. Like, I have my car keys in my hand ready to take that person to my apartment.

I have three interests. First one's Christmas. The second is sand. The third, I'll let you know once I'm dead. Wow. That one does just sound like something an eight-year-old would say. It has some sort of burn all my personal papers vibes. And finally, you're looking good today. Want snacks?

That's definitely the best one so far yeah that i feel like that really cuts to the chase the first one the first one was really long it was like the speed limit on a bread box i think that the second one is the fake one you're right josh you're right that was that was the fake congratulations you're on the board Josh. You're right. That was the fake. Congratulations. You're on the board. Thank you. Jesse, you can still catch up. Okay.

Which of these is fake? I'm sorry, but I'll never get used to the win. Wait, who did that first one? My dog when she was younger? Okay. That's the fake because the dog wrote it. She hated the wind. Okay.

That's the fake because the dog wrote it. She hated the wind. My name is a complicated combination of 45 degrees of forward motion, 25 degrees of leftward drift, 75 degrees of upward acceleration, and infinity, and that is the point where my love for you stops. That's just one of the rocks lines from Fast Five. Finally, all caps, Cape oh man jordan there's no way like unless you put all of like all of my social media posts into the ai there's no way that that a robot could know that i what i want to hear from a potential picker-upper is cape fashion!

Cape fashion! I mean, of course, you have to have written cape fashion because no robot could get me that horny. It's only you, baby. No, I'm sorry, Jesse. I'm sorry, but I'll never get used to the wind was the fake. Oh, man. Cape fashion was real. the ai has passed the horny turing test josh i know you got a lot of sneakers you got any capes i don't have any capes

none none not even like a one of those little drum majorette numbers not even a little majorette number i think you'd look cute in that josh thank you i just i don't know what i would wear it with yeah jordan you got any you got any capes zero capes uh yeah not a cape in sight i got some convertible cowls no no capes per se convertible so you can put the top down when you're cruising down pch yeah exactly got a bikini babe in the passenger seat the whole nine yards wait josh you are you are like a sneaker guy it's part of your social media yeah you post sneakers you have like show tape day sneakers yeah the show you work for this guy's a hype beast what are your original hype beast what's your prize pair oh my gosh i got um i have this pair of um

their air max ones that are oh you know what though those are like the fanciest maybe one of the fanciest pairs but i got when i when i wrote my when my book came out in 2019 i got a custom pair of also air max ones that's like the the color scheme of my book cover and i got a pair matching pairs for me my agent and my editor and so we all have nice which so i i really like have a lot of affection towards those and they're like very comfortable and i i designed them and like i know there's the two other pairs out there in the world. So I really like love those. So what are those, what are those going for on stock X? Oh, they're priceless. If I bring a,

if I bring a camping chair and sit in front of your house all night, could I maybe get them? The bots actually got them all. I have, I have one, I have have a tiebreaker josh you've already won but i think just for just for bragging rights if we can do this tiebreaker you buzz in with your name if you think you know what the fake is okay parentheses in your best albert einstein voice i wouldn't change a thing. Longing, rusted, 17, daybreak, furnace, nine, benign, homecoming, one, freight car. This line is used by buying a second date.

One of the motivations of this line is to avoid awkward subjectivity. You may say something like, hey, I've decided to steal your car and use it for a short trip from work. This is a super casual yet shocking pickup line. Josh. Josh. I think it's the first one. In your best Albert Einstein voice, I wouldn't change a thing. No, that's real.

The second one was fake. Those are the words to activate the Winter Soldier. So that's kind of a pickup line that's like specific to the winter soldier yeah i guess so it makes him makes him susceptible to kill commands murder horny yeah oh man 20 the summer of 2021 we're all gonna be a little murder horny last 2020 was the year of murder hornets 2021 murder horny and then we're all gonna get stuck in the suez canal yeah just some different memes recent memes bring in all the memes well jordan thanks for that game

i think even josh will agree that you're the new king of games and you basically shit on his work. Yeah, that's true. No, Josh is my inspiration. I'm imitating. I'm flattering by imitation. No, I think he's a hot pile of fucking garbage compared to that amazing game that you just did, Jordan. I'm happy to be a muse. That's my new.

That's really the work I'm trying to get into over the next couple years i'm trying to move from late night uh comedy variety writing into musemanship jordan's the king of games there can be only one whoa no no no i didn't come on no it's true you're the king of games and i'm just the original hypebeast what a. What a couple of yokels, you and me. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jordan, are you hiring for spring? I mean, spring, summer, fall? When am I not hiring? But yeah, spring especially. Jordan, I'm hiring for room springa. You're Amish. You're Amish. What is that called?

How would you describe that? It's when the Amish go out and experience the world It's like a sabbatical It's like a god sabbatical A sabbatical, there you go So you're just gonna go nuts in the big city Drink a bunch of caffeine Yeah, that's the plan

I got some of those Coca-Cola coffee drinks Oh nice I'm just gonna pound those NotCola coffee drinks. Oh, nice. I'm just going to pound those. Yeah, I've been meaning to try those. Not only do they have coffee, they have bubbles. Amazing. Every episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! brought to you, our listener, by you, our listener, specifically the members of MaximumFun.org. MaxFunDrive immediately around the corner. So go to MaximumFun.org and join us. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at ZipRecruiter. You know, it can be tough to hire. I'm a small business owner, Jordan. I got a small business called MaximumFun.org. Once in a while, we got to hire a producer. Once in a while,

you've got to hire a new co-host. And so what you have to do is you go on these online classified websites, you try and post a job listing, 5,000 bots in Argentina apply for your job. It's a real nightmare. But what ZipRecruiter does is it uses its proprietary technologies to find people with the right experience and then invite them to apply for your job, which is, I mean, it's a robot that recruits for you, Jordan. This is what America needs. Finally, a helpful robot. So tired. You know, if ZipRecruiter could come out with one of those frilly house dress robots, like from the Jetsons, you know, with a vacuum hand? Ah, rosy type, sure.

Yeah, real rosy type. That would be ideal. But second best, creating a robot to help small business owners hire. No wonder four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Now, you can try it for free only at ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. And I'm going to be frank with you, Jordan, if you want to hire one of those Rosie type robots, the best place to find them is going to be on zip recruiter just post requirements you know

no no bachelor's degree required must have vacuum hand right does she hold the vacuum or did she have a vacuum hand gosh i don't i think i think it was like a i think the hand could like change into various tools i think it was it had a kind of a morphing capability yeah so it was like a it was like a vacuum cleaner, rotating blade. Right, yeah. She would kill people who broke into the Jetsons' home. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo if you want a robot with a rotating blade for a hand.

We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Magic Spoon. Ah, Magic Spoon. You know, healthy breakfast doesn't have to be boring. I bought Magic Spoon, Jordan. My family loved Magic Spoon so much. So peek behind the curtain. When you run one of these spots, if they want you to be able to speak intelligently

about the product, maybe they send you a little sample. We ate through our sample and went online and used our own promo code to get a discount to buy more magic spoon yeah we went to magic spoon.com slash jj go and use the promo code jj go at checkout jordan it's a it's a big moment for any podcaster when they when they love their product so much that they're using their own promo code i'm high on my own supply jordan uh magic spoon i agree with you jesse uh is delicious it has zero grams of sugar 13 to 14 grams of protein and only four net grams of carbs uh 140 calories in each

serving it's the it's the cereal that reminds you of the cereal you ate when you were a kid, but without all the junk in it. Keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb, GMO-free. And here's some exciting news. The Magic Spoon folks have released a new flavor, Birthday Cake, and it's going to be available in a special five-pack for a limited time only, so get it while you can. Jesse, are you eating that birthday cake flavor? I haven't eaten it yet, but I think you and I are both going to need to give it a try because it was just my birthday.

It's just about to be yours. You've got to give it a try. You know what the greatest birthday gift of all would be for me, Jordan, personally? What? If Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners went out there and ordered Magic Spoon for themselves. Yes. That's what I want for Christmas this year. Do it for us.

Listen, we're having quarantine birthdays. They're not the most fun. So do us a solid and go to magicspoon.com slash JJGO. Or you can build your own box. They got cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter. I love peanut butter. Really delicious. Peanut butter is my favorite too.

Peanut butter is great. Peanut butter. Peanut butter is number one. There's no question about it. Peanut butter is number one. The children love fruity. I'm all about that peanut butter. My wife likes cocoa flavor, but I can't eat the chocolate.

I think you can't go wrong with Magic Spoon. Magicspoon.com slash JJGo. You grab that limited edition birthday cake flavor or a custom bundle of cereal to try it today. And make sure to use the promo code JJGo at checkout. You save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product. It's backed with 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll

refund your money. No questions asked. Do it for me and Jesse. Do it for our birthday. Guys, it's our boyfday. It's our boyfday. Use our plomo code. It's my boyfday. Thank you to

magic spoon for sponsoring this episode and we also got something up on the jumbotron today Jesse yeah a major

challenge for nonprofits is tracking their grants they're complicated little monsters grant flow built by a

max fund community member is an app to help nonprofits track and manage grant and report deadlines so they never miss an opportunity. Focus on your mission. Easy to use, low cost, board reports at the click of a

button, email with code JJGO to get 50% off for one year. In honor of JJGO, I'll make it free for any nonprofit working on transgender issues. So thanks to the folks at GrantFlow. You can visit grantflow.com. You know, Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners, up to all kinds of good stuff in the world, like helping nonprofits track grants. I've had to track grants, Jordan, at nonprofits. It's super hard. It's a real hassle, especially if, like me, you have attention deficit disorder.

And non-preferred tasks are a real weakness for you. So let GrantFlow handle it. And you know what? I'm not saying that this is for sure possible but I bet you could install grant flow on your robot housekeeper yeah depends on the robot

housekeeper's operating system but sure I think it's probably very likely that your robot housekeeper can handle grant flow yeah no sounds like an awesome service we really do have cool listeners huh that's nice yeah if you want to wish somebody a happy birthday including yourself or tell someone you love them or share a project that you're working on go to maximumfund.org

slash jumbotron and we will help you out there and be aware aware, this MaxFunDrive, it is upon us. May 3rd through 14th. That is only 11 days. So if you were listening to this show during that time, go to MaximumFun.org slash join and check out all the cool stuff you can get and support this show. Make it possible along with the other great programming at Maximum Fun. That's MaximumFun.org slash join. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, your fucking back jordan i switch sides to gondelman now he'll he'll never he'll never take my seat and now for a sip of this wine oh treachery yeah oh i've been doinked again doinked fucking classic games murder jordan yeah poison bloopers america's wackiest blooper and power bloopers practical jokes and power vacuums

get out of the business josh where you're not needed anymore i switched back to jordan ah god damn it no no I'm out of the business now too yeah we're both out of the business good news guys I never made it into the business now now the three of us are just gonna wander town to town solving mysteries hell yeah do you think great that any of the town to town mystery solving wanders would ever just like run into each other there must be fanfic about that about like the guy from kung fu the legend continues crossing paths with the incredible hulk and stuff get out of here hulk this is my mystery and then another he's like i'm not even the hulk i just

quantum leaped into the hulk body what happens when the fucking kung fu guy goes to that town in maine where angela lansbury lives yeah cabot cove the murder capital of maine yeah and she's like i don't think we need kung fu necessarily i've been able to do everything else with just my wits and my poison pen it's like yeah look lady you know what the murder rate is in this town of 6,000 in Maine? And he's like, it's going to be higher once my kung fu gets involved. Fucking murder hella people. This is like the fucking wire with lobsters.

Yeah. Remember David Carradine's famous catchphrase from that show? I'm going to murder a hell of people. Sometimes when he was really mad, he'd say, hells of people. Fuck it. Brian, just play one of our phone calls, huh? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. Calling for your extremely successful segment

Let's Solve a Mystery. This week, my mystery is who is jacking off in the ski patrol shack? Here's my mystery. I work at a ski resort

as a snowcat driver. I love it. And basically what we do in our jobs is drive around the mountain all night long, and it's the middle of the night. Every once in a while, guys need to use a microwave or something to heat up some food. or something to heat up some food. And in the ski patrol shack, there are microwaves, and I've recently been informed by our IT guy that, quote, someone has been hitting the porn pretty hard in the computer in the ski patrol shack so pinkster 97 or ski bum 45 uh if you're

listening um maybe don't log in and stay logged in to your porn hub account uh when you're jacking it in the shack. Anyways, I hope we find him. Thanks, guys. First of all, I hope you don't find him. It seems like the last thing you want to find. They're on to you if you're listening to this. This is fun because we were just talking about mysteries. We talked about jacking

off earlier, so this is great for the show thematically. It's weird. It's weird that we talked about jacking off, Jordan. It seems off brand for us. I'm so glad that he called us and not Jessica Fletcher. Yeah. Because I do think this would be an off brand mystery for her to take on.

But can I tell you the truth, Josh? I think the Hulk could handle this one. Oh, yeah. Dude wants to crank on. But can I tell you the truth, Josh? I think the Hulk could handle this one. Oh, yeah. Dude wants to crank it. Give him one of those fucking ski-dos or whatever. Okay, so let's follow the breadcrumbs here.

Now, maybe I misheard this, but he said he had narrowed it down to two usernames. One was like SkiBum42, and the other one was Kinkster17? I think it's probably Kinkster, right? I mean, is it? Well, think about the milieu here, Jordan. When you think about a snowy mountainside, you think about a ski patrol shack,

you think about a mug of hot cocoa with lots of little marshmallies. When you think about all those things, are you thinking about kinksters or are you thinking about ski bums? You're thinking ski bums all the way, baby. But I guess I'm just saying that the one who has the porn-based,

although I guess bum could mean butt in this situation. Yeah, a ski bum, actually, again, speaking as a New Englander, ski bum is a sex act where you just get your ass wicked cold. And then somebody warms it up, right? Yep, or they get too cold from trying. It's kind of an endurance test. Wow. You New Englanders know how to fuck. Here's my question about this. The mystery to me is not who is jacking off in the ski patrol shack.

Because the answer to that is anybody who goes into the ski patrol shack after about half an hour, like what else are they doing in there? They have their own little shack. It's boring. Eventually they're jacking off. So that, as far as I'm concerned, is off the table. It's also like we can't solve that mystery. Like we don't know who the guys are. Yeah, you should have listed the different guys.

Should have listed the guys. It was Mark? I don't know who the guys are yeah you should have listed the different guys should have listed the guys it was mark i don't know yeah i feel like it's whichever guy's name is jack or you could just see like of your of your co-workers who's the most relaxed but who didn't used to be the most relaxed right who's recently become relaxed seems jumpy but is now chill and sticky. He's having an easier time focusing. I think the bigger question that this whole call raises for me is

at ski resorts, there's just guys driving snowmobiles around in the dark all night. What does that do? What's that for? To scare away night yetis?

You want to look for maybe someone who's been lost, keep an eye out. Are you just going to run them over with your snowmobile in the dark? This mystery has raised several spinoff mysteries. Much like Scooby-Doo himself.

Right. First of all, I mean, I think the biggest mystery of all the sort of overarching mystery is how did our show become a movie on Showtime at 11 p.m. in 1982. It's kind of slowly trending that way. And now here we are at the inevitable conclusion. Yeah. I just love that these are the mysteries that this show gets. Like Starley Kine had a podcast called Mystery Show where she solved mysteries like, why was Britney Spears holding the novel that my friend wrote?

And we're just getting like, dude, who's cranking it at night in the ski slopes? Starley Klein isn't answering my emails! She said she doesn't have a show and thinks this is harassment. Yeah. I mean, I have Starley's

email. I think we could check in with her, you know? We could check in with Starley. What about that guy who was trying to find Richard Simmons? Do you think he could find out who's jacking off in the ski shack? Imagine if the answer to both was the same. Same guy. Richard Simmons is jacking off in the

ski shack the whole time. I haven't been making aerobics videos. Okay, well, we had a lot of fun. Brian, whyrian when we play another one of these fucking phone calls hey jordan hey jesse hey i don't know uh this is scott in uh charlotte and today i helped uh back out a plane by guiding it with those little sticks by myself on the wing for the first time. And it was pretty fucking cool. So I guess I'm a pilot now.

So, you know, you guys need me flying service from a guy. Love the show. Bye. Yeah, there's a lot to talk about here as far as I'm concerned. First of all, he brought up Claude Brodesser-Akner, and I'm glad he did. Claude's doing well. He's no longer in the show business press. He lives in the Northeast near New York. You know why?

He lives in the Northeast near New York. You know why? Because Taffy Brodesser-Ackner is the new champion of the New York literati. Sorry, Claude. You're the number two Brodesser-Ackner around here. It's all about Taffy Brodesser-Ackner now. Taffy or bust. All Taffy talk from here on out.

Sorry, Claude. Actually, Taffy talk is, I just want to caution you, that is also an IP protected podcast. Oh, thank you. Oh, boy. Two guys down in the Jersey Shore, they try every flavor of taffy. Got it. I really doinked that one. Okay.

Oh, don't say that. Oh, no, don't say. You've got to use like a public domain. You've got to be like, I reallybed like yeah yeah i blurbed it ah fuck it let's just sing let it be huh you know god you know who i you know who i'd love to have blurb it taffy brodesser acter you're gonna sell a lot of copies you get that blurb yeah it's a hot blurb he's in a literati now okay so my second thing is, it sounded like he said, was he the guy with the light sticks, or was he flying the airplane?

Ground flying. I'm talking about ground flying. Driving. Yeah. I think he's the guy who waved in the plane, but then he said he was the pilot, which he's either just fucking around being a goofball or is unclear on the duties of a pilot. Or we're unclear on the protocol of how you get to be a pilot.

It might be one of the steps. Yeah. It might be like when Daniel-san catches the fly with the chopsticks and then you know he's really good at karate now. Yes. Right. If you can use the sticks to land the airplane. The other thing he said was that he was on the wing of the airplane. Did he say that? I heard that too. That I've never... Is he

some kind of helpful langolier? I think... You know what I think he is, Josh? Might be a helpful langolier. I think he's one of these 1920s air show guys. All right. I think this guy's flying around in a decommissioned World War I biplane, and he's out there on the wing flashing these sticks and giving people rides.

And he's trying to cozy up to Taffy Brodesser-Ackner through her husband, Claude, who's writing for maybe, I think, the Newark Ledger now. That's my memory, but I might be wrong. Nice guy, Claude Brodesser-Akner through her husband, Claude, who's writing for maybe, I think, the Newark Ledger now. That's my memory, but I might be wrong. Nice guy, Claude Brodesser-Akner. That sounds like the life. Doesn't it? Yeah. What a life to live.

Do you think Claude Brodesser-Akner could get Taffy Brodesser-Akner on this show, or is she too fucking hot shit for it? Totally, she would do it. She would love to do it. We'd have a lot of fun. I don't know if we could get Taffy Brodesser-Akner. I bet you could get Taffy. How does she feel about jacking off in a ski shack?

I could ask her. I bet she's asleep. Yeah. Taff, I don't want to wake her up with that. You're right. Let her sleep. She's been busy. You know what, Josh?

Call Claude and see if Taffy's up. Okay, Brian. I think this is going to be a two birds, one stone situation. Play another call, Brian. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. This is Alexandra from New York. I just was on my run and I had to stop and record this because I saw the cutest thing ever.

It was a dad with his laundry bags in one of those cargo carts. You know, it's like those utility carts. And his kid was on the top of the pile of laundry bags, riding it like a horse. riding it like a horse and he was like maybe a six year old kid was slapping the back of the quote unquote horse and telling it to essentially giddy up.

Alright guys, thank you for the great show. Have a good one. Bye. Thanks, that's pretty good. Pretty cute. How did the Brutesser-Ackner family figure into this one? I don't think they did, unless maybe you could hear them in the background somehow. I think this caller is unclear on the kind of content we want for the show.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I just feel like, I mean, maybe if the little kid had been carter anderson i just need some literati content in this for it really to sing you know what i mean could we get graydon carter involved somehow what if the dad were jonathan franzen does that do anything for you that would help yeah i think that would do it. Sure, yeah. The child riding the laundry, David Sedaris. And the laundry itself, a top coat once worn by David Remnick.

Oh, God, I'd love to take a look at a Remnick top coat. You're describing the perfect call. Described the perfect call. Oh, I wish we could get that call. I've been waiting my whole fucking life for that call. Do you want me? I mean, I know you would know it was fake, but I can act as if I'm making that call. No, I have an amazing suspension

of disbelief yeah i'm okay if you want to fake that all right i'm gonna i'll add some like vocal effects so that it sounds like i'm calling him it's like hello uh jordan and jesse and your guest who i assume is patricia arquette i don't know uh i just saw we call her patty i just saw the cutest thing uh i was a it was jonathan franson pushing one of those carts that you put laundry yeah and sitting atop the pile of laundry was beloved essayist David Sedaris riding the laundry like a horse. He was slapping the side of the laundry and saying, giddy up. And then I looked closer and the laundry was all composed. It was a bag full of top coats,

once owned by the New Yorker's own David Remnick. Also, now that I'm thinking about it, I feel like such a jackass. You probably called Patricia Arquette Patty. Anyway, thanks for the show. Bye. Jesse, we got the ultimate call. We can end the show. Thank God.

You know, I'm just happy that Daveave eggers and venda levita finally called into the program uh it's nice you also kind of i feel like you kind of nailed the cadence of our callers too that was a good impression of someone who calls the show yeah uh that's it 206-984-4FUN. JJ Go at MaximumFun.org if you want to send us a voice memo. That's JJ Go at MaximumFun.org. 206-984-4FUN. You can either call in your momentous occasions

or just call into a segment on the show. Just make sure to let us know what segment it is at the top of your call because we don't really have any segments. So you have to kind of, you kind of, you kind of got to prime the pump. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Mr. Rubo Man, what are you doing? I'm just taking one last look at my co-workers. Every journey comes to an end. Remember, Plekc this space will be with you always sorry who are you again mr kieran oh right right right sorry calling in friendships will be tested doll you have to do it you have to shoot Plick. Okay. You shot him so fast. Destinies will be fulfilled. I've become a complete bird. I'm flying. I'm flying.

On April 28th, the saga starts concluding. Guys, we don't have a choice. We have to put on a show. We can do it in no barn. We've got the costumes. We've got a stage. We can do it, you guys. Mission to Zix.

The final season on Maximum Fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. MaxFun drives almost here. It starts on Monday, May 3rd, ends on May 14th, and it's the best time to support the shows you love. Here are some folks like you sharing what MaxFun and our shows mean to them. Most importantly, it's meant community. And yeah, just thanks for hanging out, making joke-a-muffs,

and making my week a little bit brighter. So thanks, Max Fun Fun, for making me a better person and making sure that I'm surrounded by better people. Thanks again for all you do. Love supporting Max Fun and keep it up. Come back Monday, May 3rd for more details from your favorite hosts. We'll have some of the best episodes of the year, special MaxFunDrive thank you gifts, and maybe a few surprises. That's Monday, May 3rd. Until then.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Josh Gondelman, the original hype beast. He is. This guy was hyping beasts before you even knew what beasts were to hype, Jordan. Right, right, right, right. I'm sorry.

I said original hype beast. I meant I'm the original beast hype. I love minotaurs. Yeah. Chimera. Can you show me a chimera i'm gonna pump it up you fucking this guy this guy this guy toured with some of the most incredible mythical beasts of all time i'm not just talking about a dragon i'm talking about one of those long ass fucking chinese dragons josh gondelman was there with it fucking repeating the last word of every line at the same time as it uh going yeah yeah yeah going what the fuck is up, Cleveland? Let me hear some noise. All that shit.

All the Cyclopses that tried to kill Odysseus and his men. It might have just been one guy. But I'll tell you what, we were high out of our minds on that tour. And I DJ'd. I DJ'd the Cyclops tour. Were you cutting and scratching and shit, too? Cutting, scratching, crossfading, carrying equipment, making hotel reservations. I did it all. This guy in the mythical world, Jordan, in the world of incredible mythical beasts such as unicorns,

Josh Gondelman is known as the spliff star of that industry. This guy is the spliff star of that. Unicorn needs somebody to carry her weed gondolman's there i'll carry that weed yeah gondolman gondolman will keister some oxy to get you through airport security yeah look among my services yeah i'll boof i'll do it i'll boof this guy'll boof pretty much whatever. You need somebody to say that the unlicensed firearms on the bus are his? A Gondelman will do that. Now, why does a Chimera need an unlicensed firearm? God only knows.

It's none of my business. I don't ask questions. Not your job. It's part of being Gondelman. it's part of being gonaldon it's part it's part of what i do when i'm on the road with the centaur on the tour bus yeah do i ask if i can ride the centaur to the next tour stop no i'm a professional this guy's a professional all he really asks for is a little bit of leftover tail at the end of the night. I'm talking about mythical creatures with actual tails. Right, sure.

I'm talking about he likes to wear some of a unicorn's tail. A dragon's tail. It's not a sex thing. Not a sex thing. It's just a little bit of pageantry. I mean. And now, more than ever, don't we all just need a little bit of pageantry?

A little fucking pageantry he'll arrange a blue angel fly over if you need it speaking of pageantry we'll get that previous caller to wave us in or to fly the planes we don't know what that guy does we'll get him to wave us in

while we're in the seat Duncan Donuts nothing but holes the harold has concluded alan iverson yes brian play the noise play the guys here you're supposed to just have it ready brian you're not supposed to have to go looking for it yes it's called a drop oh oh there it is and now play austin now play austin power saying yeah baby those noises out of context sound like um like andrew dice clay like figuring out what just like oh oh huh oh am i hickory dickory stick no that's not it is this does this have a satirical angle or have i just become the character oh hey it's me greg Gutfeld. Oh, Gutfeld. Did you get my writing sample?

I had to think about the AI pickup lines and at the news pitch. Oh, I can't hire you. You're union. Ah, fuck. Oh, unbelievable. I could give you like a producer credit or something. Okay, I'll take segment producer or associate producer. Yeah, how about that? I'm sorry.

We have a surprisingly high diversity quotient you wouldn't think that about our show we just want to have all the perspectives the non-union perspectives josh gondelman has been our guest on the program he's got the podcast uh this is a game podcast but the game is to delight josh gondelman has been our guest on the program. He's got the podcast. This is a game podcast, but the game is to delight Josh Gondelman. Is that correct? That's true. Every week there's a new game that I make up where the point is to cheer me up because the world is a stressful place. Yeah, it's a fucking shit world full of fucking Suez Canal boats and chimeras.

And that was one of the better parts. You've had a lot of our friends. Tom Sharpling's been on. Linda Holmes has been on. That's it. Those are our only two friends. And they're more of acquaintances, really. I'll tell you what. Like long-time professional

acquaintances. Sure, yeah. I'll tell you what. I haven't been able to pin down Claude Bredesser-Ackner. You know what? If you're going to get Claudeude you might as well try and get taffy that's the money actor uh you this is nice on your show you play you play and you give a little bit to charity which is always nice we do yeah that was like hearing about the the charities that the guests uh feel strongly about That's a really nice thing. Yeah, I think. Yeah, it's really it's really nice. I think there are like some that that people are really, you know, I'm always happy like when people when guests are like, oh, Fair Fight. And it's like, great. And like listeners know it's like because, you know, voting rights is such a big issue. And then Caleb Heron recently was like, oh, KC Tenants, which is like about housing equality in Kansas City, where he's from.

And it's like, oh, that rules. Like, I'm happy to like, because to get outside the like New York and LA organizational bubble and stuff. Yeah, I try. We actually have a few pet charities on this program. We're trying to raise money right now to liberate the doinks.

Right. Get them out of the vault. Yeah. Get these doinks out of here. Get the doinks out of the vault and get Song of the South onto Disney+. Are the doinks in the Disney vault? Yeah, they are. They're in there with song of the south you can still get them once if you if you're if you look long enough you can find them on vhs at a thrift

store hashtag liberate the doinks hashtag liberate the doinks we got the the doink the doinks aren't on disney plus no they're not unbelievable we say we say put them up there but put up a warning saying that they're doinks from a different time. And they have insensitive portrayals, but it's a part of our history. Yeah. The doinks does sound like a movie, like one of those movies where you're like, you watch it when you're a kid and then as an adult, you're like, in the first scene, they cook and eat their mom. The doinks was fucked up. We just rented whatever was at the drugstore so

dude we would rent it like every week my sister loved it she has a doyx t-shirt but it was always on it was always on cinemax every fucking night at 11 yeah i just watched it because it had boobs in it but it turned out it's not aged well not aged well but it is on disney plus in its entirety josh gondelman also a member of the uh a member of the literati uh i i read and enjoyed josh gondelman's memoir thank you everybody should check out josh gondelman's memoir nice try you. Everybody should check out Josh Gondelman's memoir. Nice try. Stories of best intentions and mixed results.

It still exists, which makes me very happy whenever I know. Sometimes people still post about it on Instagram. I'm like, yeah, I did write a book. That's nice. It's got a little too much Beastie Boys content for my taste, but otherwise I loved it. I was trying to, I was trying to, I was aiming squarely at the demographic of my five best friends from when I was 12.

Did they all buy it? Have you confirmed that they all bought it? Honestly, I'm not sure. Oh, yeah. I think you could make an argument for the Beastie Boys as the original hypebeasts. That's true. It's right there in the name yeah uh well josh gondelman it's always a joy to have you on the program thank you for joining us thank you for having me it's always a pleasure to see you and to podcast with you our producer is brian sunny d fernandez you can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris. We're on Instagram at Jordan David Morris at put.this.on. We're on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com. We're on Facebook where you can like Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm on Goodreads. Check me out on Goodreads.

Check out Jordan on Goodreads where you can check out what he thought about Josh Gondelman's memoir. Bad news, Josh. He did not. I thought there was too much Beastie Boys stuff in there. Jordan said not enough Beastie Boys. Dissension in the ranks. There should be an entire chapter about Hello Nasty. I like the one where the robots are fighting. That's fun one it's a fun one yeah it is a fun one uh that's it we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica oh wait our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and lighting the attic records okay that's it

we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported