Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 688: Goat Snatch with Dave Hill

Episode Date: May 20, 2021

Dave Hill (Drunk Bus movie, The Dave Hill Goodtime Hour podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Gaahl the Norwegian black metal vocalist Dave met backstage at a German metal festival, the corpse paint drama raging in the heavy metal community, and the marching band that Dave has gotten testy with lately. Check out DRUNK BUS, the new movie Dave is in!And Dave's comedy album THE PRIDE OF CLEVELAND!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne in the midst of a neighborhood council meeting. Jordan Morris, goat prude. Oh, wow. So it sounds like we both have great stuff to present on this week's program. This is going to be a jam-packed episode. While I am recording this, Jordan, Jesse, go, I am also attending a neighborhood council meeting. That is two things that apparently you can do at once because that's what I'm doing.

Multitasking. Yeah, it's really exciting. They're approving a funding resolution for helmets for a youth football program. And I'm actually, I'm multitasking too. I am recording this podcast and dicking around on Instagram. Good. So we're both doing important shit. Yeah. Jordan, what's this goat talk? Well, I, just so you know me, I'm not, you wouldn't call me uptight, would you? Would that be a way you would describe me as uptight?

I'd call you like a chill SoCal bro. Thank you. Well, a chill SoCal dude. A chill SoCal dude, yeah. Yeah, and I feel like it's important to draw the extinction between dude and bro. Yeah. Maybe that's something we can get into with our guest. Yeah.

So, you know, I like a blue joke, a a raunchy joke just as you like a blue christmas sure like a blue i love blue balls i love going home sexually unsatisfied um yeah if it's blue i'll take it that's my my general blanket policy for life. But I found myself kind of shocked at some ribald jokes recently. Wow. And was really surprised at myself. I was really surprised at the reaction that I had. And all these jokes, these raunchy R-rated jokes,

took place at Goat Yoga. Hold on. What were these goats saying? Okay, as I mentioned before, it wasn't the goats, Jesse. This was humans. Okay. Goats can talk, though. You know that, right?

I know, and that's actually one of my complaints about Goat Yoga. Okay, yeah. I mean, you know, I think this is a story as old as time. The real monster in this case was man thank you in a lot of the great stories you know frankenstein and um predator no never mind the monster was predator yeah that's true but i had frankenstein's a good example frank Frankenstein's a good example. Frankenstein's a solid example. I don't need more. Fitzcarraldo.

Sure. I guess in Fitzcarraldo, you'd think the monster would be the boat. Right. The boat, the mountain. Anyway, so I, you know, listen, as I mentioned, I'm on Insta. I'm new to Insta. So I'm like, I'm late to this party. Why don't I do an Instagram trend from five years ago and attend goat yoga, an outdoor yoga session where goats jump on you like you were a little hill. Right.

And Jordan, I should mention here, just in the interest of full disclosure, I'm new to instant mashed mashed potatoes but we can table that and get back to the goats sure yeah is that is that what you consider to be instant that's what insta means to me i'm a geriatric millennial so so you so so you have so someone could um uh slide into your mp yes your mashed potatoes exactly if they know what kind of party it is go ahead right uh so okay so i i was like okay i'm i i'm you know i'm new to town i want to do some outdoor activities i want to do something fun uh i cited a while ago that i hate yoga but um you know i thought this was a fun enough while ago that i hate yoga but um you know i thought this was a fun enough looking activity that i should do it it was taking place at the gamble house which is a love it like historic love it legendary craftsman home in a japanese may i don't know how that's pronounced j-a-p-o-n-i-s-m-e style a tribute uh the spectacular joinery known known known the world over for its joinery. Love it. By the way,

Jordan, for our at-home audience, in case they don't know, you hate yoga because one time you farted in yoga. That's true. No, no, it was a shark. Wow. Yeah. So really, really killed the mood. So we're getting the intro to this goat yoga from a goat yoga instructor who was a very, like, standard issue, nice, like, mid-50s goat. They only live to be, like, 12, so it was amazing. No, it's a nice mid-50s, like, standard yoga lady. Very nice. And her, like standard yoga lady very nice and her like husband was there like wrangling the goats so she's explaining so she's like the goats may come over to your mat and they might they might take a little poo but in goat yoga, we call that blessings. And I was sitting there like, that's fucking gross.

I was so fucking grossed out by the idea that these circular goat turds were blessings. So I'm like, all right, okay, that didn't work on me. But then she's introducing us to all the goats. So she's like, these are the goats. This is Felix. This is Little Bit. And this is Fanny Farm Girl. And if I'm not careful, my husband is going to run away with Fanny Farm Girl.

What the fuck? And I was like, to myself, that's even fucking grosser than the shit on the mat being called a blessing your husband is gonna fuck this goat and my husband was traveling it was a dark night and he needed somewhere to stay a kind farmer offered that he could stay in the farmer's barn anyway that's how we met fanny farm a classic joke. Fanny Farm Girl. I'm like, and why would the husband make this kind of mistake?

He has a wonderful wife whose jokes I don't enjoy, but she teaches yoga. She wrangles goats. He doesn't realize what a good thing he has here, and the fact he would fuck it all up just for a chance at some sweet goat snatch i'm sorry i'm sorry to go there but that's where that's where that's where the bar is apparently that's where she went jeez louise she went there she lives there jordan for fuck's sake i'm a prude now i don't like blue humor um the only joke i like is when

steve harvey makes a face during family feud um and that's a critique of blue humor so it fits in with my whole thing so yeah let's uh let's have no more raunchy jokes on this show let's keep it pg because apparently i can't handle it anymore sorry j, Jordan. Were you blessed or I missed that part of the story? No, goat didn't shit on my mat, but blessings. Blessings to you in the future, friend. Namaste. I greet the God within you. How was the joinery?

How was the joinery, buddy? The joinery was nice. The joinery was nice. Yeah. So I think it all worked out in the end, right? The goats probably mowed the lawn out there. You and goats both love a carefully manicured lawn. Yeah.

And Fanny Farm Girl's a pretty good name for it. So I don't think people should joke about fucking them. Yeah. An animal can't provide consent. There you go. That's just one of the many reasons. They also can't provide consent. There you go. That's just one of the many reasons. They also can't provide consent to being named Fanny Farm Girl,

which seems important in this specific context. Let the goats name themselves. They're all just named disturbingly human scream. Can eater. And let's not morph that into a joke about eating ass because someone might want to do that. I wouldn't do that. Because as we have established, I do not like gross humor like that. I wouldn't do that despite being a geriatric millennial.

That's not, by the way, because I was born in 1981. It's just I'm very, I'm just confused. You just have a lot of problems with confusion. Take a lot of iron supplements exactly should we introduce our guest on the program i would love to oh this man is a jordan jesse go favorite but it's been a few years you might remember him from the battle of the dave hills an all-time classic jordan jesse go episode you might know him from the Dave Hill Good Time Hour. You might know him as one of the kings of black metal. You might know him as a contributor to Put This On, the video series from 10 years ago. You might know him just from seeing him around

New York City and thinking, who's that handsome devil? Dave Hill is with us. Hello. Dave, it's a joy to have you here. I'm thrilled to be here. You know, I was just, I get asked about my tenure with Put This On frequently. I was admiring the bench that you acquired, the antique bench. Oh, thank you. Jordan, I don't mean to brag here. This isn't a venue for me to brag, but yesterday my youngest Frankie and I went, not grocery store shopping, garage sale shopping. Sorry, geriatric millennial. And we bought a couple of benches for $10 and $15

respectively. Real nice antique benches, but pretty parched, so I took them out on the porch and hit them with some feedin' wax. I know, Jordan, that that's an opportunity for you to talk about ass-eating, but I'm just gonna let that pass. I would know. I don't

go in for that kind of humor. I know that you don't like being blue, but thank you, Dave. That's very kind of humor okay i know i know that you don't you don't like being blue but thank you dave that's very kind of you uh jordan on on the put this on episode that dave was on uh we went to the annual convocation of the corduroy society yes which is an organization uh uh dedicated to corduroy the fabric of the king i i was the speaker there and spoke on the topic of corduroy dave went to do a sort of field segment there at the event dave wore all velvet velvet being the sworn enemy of corduroy. I think actually, I think there was a greater violation.

As I recall, I wore corduroy pants and a velvet jacket, which I think informed by you that I couldn't have made a bigger error. Yeah, I mean, the real problem here, honestly, is that Dave doesn't have any non-velvet jackets i try i try not to i'm really struggling um with this warmer weather and i you know i i i do i you know i have a couple pairs of corduroy pants at the cleaners right now but with velvet you know velvet people reach out and they touch you they They give you a consensual pat. Like one might a goat or a goat snatch.

Gross, Dave. I cannot consent to that. Just because I said it earlier. Somehow, I don't think I've ever heard the words goat snatch right next to each other like that. David, we don't do blue humor on this podcast anymore i i know i know but i'm just i just uh we can edit this out but i uh but i'm grateful and uh i'm i will be repeating those words together for the rest of my days. Dave, if your black metal band, Witch Taint, breaks up, maybe... Believe me, I've already thought the side project would be Goat Snatch. Believe me, I'm already working on the t-shirts.

I would say that I could play with you in Goat Snatch, but I don't think my drumming is technical enough. No, no, passion is all you need. Yeah. Well, I have it in spades. Yeah, I know you do. Dave is a ripping guitarist. He's had a number of different music careers in parallel to his comedy career, which may be the most successful of all of them. It involves him wearing black metal makeup and ripping out sweet solos, which he does sometimes on Instagram and so forth.

And I'm always stunned at the technicality and precision of his sweet axe work. Now, I have to ask you a question because I subscribe to a Reddit. And this is the segment where I just list a weird Reddit that I looked at. I subscribe to a Reddit called Hobby Drama. And this is a really, like, sometimes it's too upsetting for me. But when I'm feeling strong emotionally, I'll look at this, and it will just be like a 3,000-word treatise on shit that's going down in the world of crocheting. Oh.

And like really raw shit, like people flipping the fuck out. Like sometimes it's sex stuff. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's just like, it's just like, you know, dildo drama in the kink community. But often it's crocheting or something like that and my understanding is that there is a fair amount of drama in the black metal community i was wondering dave if you've heard about any of this drama um people who may or may not uh reject wearing makeup and whether they're actually black metal some some differences between European and American styles of black

metal. What's going on conflict-wise? Give us the tea, Dave. Oh, I'm glad you asked. Well, I'm not afraid to spill the tea on this one. The thing with black metal that's really important is to take yourself very seriously. And so I take myself, I respect myself as an authority in North America. And then there's just like a handful of guys in Scandinavia. And they're all on my phone. I've actually weirdly, I've met several of the Norwegian black metal guys in my travels. None of the murderers, right?

No, I did meet a guy who I met Gal. I would have really appreciated a more emphatic and clear no than that. With re-murderers. I had to think about it. I have met Gal. If you're into black metal your ears are perking up right now he was a singer in gorgoroth and i met him in germany when witch taint played at the wachen festival uh and i dave i love every word you're saying right now and i want you to know it was it was i i had unfortunately already taken off my corpse paint and i i'd come back from i think

i'd come back from you know you get you get access to the buffet once a day at balkan they're not gonna let you just go ape shit. Yeah, I think I maybe just come from lunch and there... Can we just detour a little bit? Can you tell us about the buffet at Wacken? Is it... How metal would you say

the buffet is? I have to say, no joking, the Wacken Festival in Germanyany which is the biggest heavy metal festival in the world it was the best run most delightful but well let's say best run first um anything i've ever seen like better run than any hospital i've been in. Better run than just anything. It was like I was I was there for four days. Not no one.

There was no trash anywhere. No one like rubbed up on me. You know, like no like big sweaty guy rubbed against me and made me feel discomfort. I know it was really, you could get, you get a margarita pizza whenever you wanted. This was, you know, let me stress to you. This was in the, this was in the artist, the real, this is where I met Gal.

Backing up to Gal. Gal, he was in prison because this is some time ago, probably like 10 years ago, at least a guy went back to his house, like after the bars, you know, people went to his house to hang out and offended him in some way. And he started beating the guy and torturing him. And the guy was bleeding and he gave him a cup to bleed into because he didn't want him to bleed on his carpet horrible you know sure all these years later we all have a big laugh about it yes but um yeah so he not a murderer but a pretty intense guy and if you scroll way way back in my instagram you can see us i'm smiling he's not and it was about 80 degrees and he was wearing a knee length like a leather duster a power move in in the middle of summer i would argue dave in the metal community

or specifically in the death metal community and you can separate those into separate numbers. What percentage of performers are cheesing in a selfie? So like if, if a somebody, if a fan grabs a shoulder and says, do you mind if we take a picture together and extends that telephone? What percentage of performers are cheesing?ing now what do you mean by cheesing showing their teeth you know giving a giving a giving a big wide smile okay you know i'm glad

i'm glad you asked i none of them none of them are cheesing but i will tell you so when when gal i saw gal and i was giddy like fanny farm girl i was as giddy as fanny farmer and so i i went ran over to get a picture and my girlfriend having no idea who this guy was was just like you need to ask him like she could just he was emanating this i've been in prison for giving a guy a cup to bleed into. He had this vibe. Was that the crime? I'm not familiar with the penal codes in Scandinavia.

It's very, this is Norwegian penal code. Right. So no smiling there. But then I was in your town, Los Angeles, probably 10 years ago. I had just gone to see Jimmy Kimmel live in person. I love to do Hollywood things when I'm in Hollywood. You guys know this about me. Sure.

Go to see, go to Grauman's Chinese. I do it all. Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum. I'm going on all the universal tours. I'm doing the whole thing. And I'm on Hollywood. I guess it would be Hollywood Boulevard. And I see two guys from the Norwegian black metal band Immortal. And I'm talking to my my friend Jill and I say, oh, my gosh, that's Immortal's immortal she says who's that and i said it's a norwegian black metal band she says well you have to get your photo with them i'm like no

no and because we were just chatting she's like you have to like you're the only person that would possibly recognize these two guys from norway walking down halloween boulevard dave yeah dave was that because they were wearing Spider-Man suits? Yes, it was. Yes and no. I think there were two Spider-Man that day, because I remember thinking, I remember telling Jill that was why I never moved to L.A.

Because you wanted to be the only Spider-Man in town. Yeah, I thought, I don't want the competition. No, I think my fear is that would be me within six months. You would just resort to dressing up like a character and taking pictures? Straight to Spider-Man costume. No, I mean, it's a great part of living in L.A. It's a kind of insurance. If show business is slow or if your project falls apart,

you can always just Jack jack sparrow it up out there for a couple days and make rent dave you recognize these norwegians without their corpse makeup yeah they didn't have yeah because they normally wear that so i chase after them and i start saying hey immortal immortal and they are really because i figure there's two guys i'll just say the one word they'll react to that they were really confused and they're looking at me i said you guys are immortal and they were like oh yeah so then i you know i said can i get a picture my friend jill took a photo but before we took the photo they were all you know they're all smiling friendly they put their sunglasses on and they really uh

they anti-cheese i'm smiling you know you cheese like fanny farm girl oh yeah you can absolutely i love the thought that these two guys from a norwegian black metal band come to la and then just like hang out on hollywood boulevard by the wax museum in the buffalo yeah yeah they want to go to the hollywood museum and see peewee herman's bike yeah they're they're no different they're you know same as sure they love the glitz and the glamour dave have you met any other black metal celebrities on Hollywood Boulevard that you'd like to tell us about? Oh, I'm glad you asked. Just those guys, actually.

Okay, thank you. Dave, I guess I don't know this. Were you a metal kid growing up? Yeah, I mean, then as now, kid growing up? Yeah, I mean, then as now, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I've always been like, really omnivorous with music, you know, but I think, obviously, you know, having witch taint, people, people look to me for matters of metal, but, you know, I'm arguably more of like a power pop, like a power pop, big star type guy, cheap trick. You know, Valley Lodge, my main band,

is more, you know, fun in the sun, 70s, driving in your car with the top-down music. So where did the corpse paint come in? Because I am interested to know how you have these two parallel lives. I think, well, Wichitane, the thing with Wichitane, because, you know, Valley Lodge, you know, we've been doing that for, I can't even believe how long, like 15 years now, I think.

And, you know, our songs, the John Oliver theme song, not to brag, but just for reference for the people who are just like the magic of Valley Lodge is no one has heard of us, but everyone has heard us. Yeah, now we're talking. Now we're talking. We should mention, by the way, that a Witch Taint song is the Jimmy Kimmel theme, which is why you were over there at Kimmel.

This is exactly true. No, the thing with Witch Taint, you know, as you might know, had not recorded a note of music or told anyone in the world about this thing existing in my head. And I was just emailing with this guy for six months. And you can read all these emails. They're real emails at theblackmetaldialogues.com because like, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so they were on the internet for years

and kind of had this following and then we started my friend phil and i costello we started reading them on stage my friend trish nelson was like you should read them on stage we finally did it and it people loved it but then we went to wachen in germany and this is when we were still just a duo and people were just so confused like what are these guys doing and you know because we would it was a comedy show but there was music in it and even when we would put on the flyer like this is a comedy show it's not a band and then finally you know because people go like oh well dave you're a musician too so this is a band i'm like no it's not a band i do play guitar in it but then they'd anyway i i i even had i won't say who this was because i don't want to embarrass but i we did the viper room in in your town out there and a friend was like hey can

i uh come out to the show tonight i'm like yeah i'll leave you a couple tickets and um he wrote he's like i'm sorry i could only i had to leave i could only stay for a couple songs but i loved it and i was like what we didn't play any songs what are you talking like because at the time we didn't have any songs we only played one so i was like this guy trapped himself in a lie like i wasn't even gonna follow up with him to ask if he came and then anyway blah blah blah so we were in germany and by then we actually did have some songs uh but a lot of it was reading these emails on stage and when you're in a tent full of uh germans and people from all over europe uh and they're just staring at you like what

are you guys doing after the second day of it, Phil and I are like, you know what? Because then we would play the music during the show and the place would go crazy. Then we'd be like, now let us go back and read the emails to you, not in your native language. So, yeah, lead with the high energy music, follow with emails. Do the Northern European black metal bands not read emails? We did this show in Oslo.

Because the show with the emails and then some of the five songs we had written, we did it all. We did it in London, we did it in Oslo, and there were like black metal guys at the show and stuff. We were really in the belly of the beast. But when we went to Germany, when we saw how crazy everyone went, when we played the songs, we were like, well, let's just do this. This is awesome. And they're just really confused by the other thing we're

doing. So we just decided to have it be a real band. I like that the determining factor here was basically being in a metal band is fun. Yeah. Well, it's ridiculous. It is really fun. It's enabled me to indulge in endless stupidity. How did you? OK, Dave, important question. So corpse paint is the black and white face designs that black metal bands wear.

This was central to the drama that I read about on slash r slash hobby drama. There was a band that had dropped their corpse paint and it was rocking the world of black metal. Yeah, when you drop it from without warning, you know, it's like anything. Like when Kiss took off their makeup. Everyone's like, we don't want that. Put the makeup on. We want the makeup. Yeah.

This sucks now. That was the cool part of this band. Yeah, exactly. But I'll tell you, you know, just the amount of times I put on corpse paint at first. Oh, so much fun and then after about the 20th 30th time you're like so now like people will ask to do interviews and be like will you do it as lance my character in the makeup and i'm just like i think you're gonna be talking to dave today just what about lance what about lance's good friend dave who can read messages from you're

like i'll do interviews as peewee herman well because the the makeup take it's it it's it stays on your face for like two days and it looks like you're wearing it. You look crazy for a couple of days. So, um, do you have to order it from a black metal supply website? This is where it gets really crazy. I had, I,

I had been buying it where, uh, at Ricky's here in New York, you know know where a lot of like drag queens would buy all their makeup and stuff because it really black metal is really just a form of drag so i that's where i would get it and um then they closed so now i'm uh now i'm now i'm on the deep web, the dark web or whatever it's called. Wow. You're in the deep state. You're in the CIH.

You know, I didn't want to tell you during, you know, this past year, the makeup that would just be coming from God knows where shows up. It's not right. A lot of supply line issues. It was on that boat in the Suez Canal. And sometimes what you think you're ordering on the dark web is corpse paint, but actually it's heroin. Yeah. Yeah.

Such a bummer. They both make for wild evenings. I can only speak from experience on one of those things. But yeah, now I'm just really uh it's rough it's rough out there getting corpse paint i've had a lot of problems jordan ordering corpse paint and getting bootleg yeezys yeezys right right right yeah yeezys yeezy brand sneaker shoes i could see it you know another thing and this is uh i guess what we used to just call them helpful hints or I guess life hacks.

They've been calling it for a while now. Tips from Halloweese. Tips from Halloweese. Sure. Pro tips if you read GamePro magazine. Another thing you can do if you need corpse paint is you buy just a child's clown makeup set and you just throw out any of the colors that aren't white black or red you just throw those colors out if there's wait but dave can i ask you when you say

child's clown makeup do you mean makeup for children's clowns or makeup for child clowns this because i think that's been illegal since like the 20s You raise a good point This is a fair point And I know the legislation you're speaking of It was after the triangle clown waist fire And here's where you get into portion problems Because they only give you enough makeup for a small child's face So you have to buy two I have a very large Irish skull

So I have to buy two. I have a very large Irish skull. So I have to buy two child clown makeup kits. Your face is a thick daddy. It's a thick daddy. Yeah, it really is. I can take a beating. I'm probably jinxing myself. I've not taken a punch since I was maybe 10 or so. But I imagine if were wanted to come my way,

I wouldn't even feel it. Bounce right off. Bounce right off. There was a guy in my high school who was super yoked, which I don't even know how you get yoked in high school. He was a nice guy named Paul. He wanted to become a firefighter,

but he boxed on the side. And he was like a- You take HSsgh high school growth hormone yeah so you can get it you can get on one of those uh french bread pizzas they serve you for lunch i asked paul one time this is like my most vivid memory from high school but i asked paul one time, I was like, Paul, how do you even do that? Like, I got hit once and it sucked. You know what I mean? Like, I hated getting punched. And when you box, that's like the whole thing.

And he told me that only the first punch hurts. But I don't think that's actually true. I think they probably all hurt. Who do you think, Dave, would be most likely to punch you? Would be most likely? Oh, gosh, that's a good question. I mean, probably the person I least expect, right? Yeah, it wouldn't be Glart or whatever his name is. I'll tell you, it probably is the guys who own the restaurant across the street are probably... Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

I won't name it, but I've turned into a grumpy old man, and I've taken to calling 311 and sending passive sending like passive aggressive emails to the restaurant across the street asking them to just be quiet so I can live my life over here. Because they have a festive kind of South Beach thing going. And that's that's volume. You got it. So like pit bulls there every night. Yeah. Riff raff is involved. Yeah, that's total's volume you gotta so like pitbulls there every night yeah riffraff yeah that's total riffraff and so uh no i've been getting into it because i live in the west village in new york and there's it's very it's like the french quarter

for like millennial brunchers and like there'll be and and dinner folks the dinner crowd but there'll be uh there had been but i think brunchers is descriptive like i think i you know what i mean say i think i understand what your issue is when you say that you have brunchers in the neighborhood yeah yeah it's hard to take umbrage with someone having dinner, but it's easy to want to kill a bruncher. But then there's marching bands, and I had to write this marching band that comes around because they had all their social media handles on the tuba, and I was out walking my dog and I wrote them,

I actually had to rewrite it. Cause I sent them like a DM and it was like a little harsh and I deleted it. Then I wrote him another one. I was like, that's still a little harsh. And I just, then I finally, and then we talked it out. I said, Hey, you know, could you just not come around after seven ever again and they're like well that sounds really early to be saying we shouldn't be playing marching bands to be fair are usually a daytime type of band it is probably the most daytime of all bands yeah i could the thought of a marching band playing after 2 p.m is shocking to me i think

it would seem not wrong like not right maybe i maybe i'm not described they're they're they're really only about five of them but you can tell they're part of a larger operation and uh the deep state yeah the deep exactly they're not working alone so i said seven o'clock because that is when new york city law says things like marching bands and all that need to stop also very if you if you are if you're saying this is old mannish behavior very old mannish to know the exact time it's so that the quiet hours it so sad because, and I even said, I said, look, guys, if it were up to me, I'd be saying 8.30, but the law on the book says 7.

So I said, look, I love a tuba as much as the next guy. I'm on TikTok. I'm in witch taint, okay? So I know about. Oh, believe me, I didn't bring up witch taint so I know about oh believe me I didn't bring up witch taint but I did they did say like well you know it's really hard for musicians and I did pull that

hey I get it I'm a rocker too I get it I did tell them I play the sousaphone I know how it goes so do they play are they playing like marches? And do they have one of those ladies that throws a stick in the air?

No, no. They're more like, they play like Britney Spears covers. They play covers of popular songs and then they go from restaurant to restaurant to all the people eating outside. People, this is the problem. Drunk people, they'll just start screaming no matter what. It's upsetting. You know, and I think what's happening is that if you are specifically choosing Britney Spears songs, you are deliberately riling up the brunchers because I think nothing will throw a bruncher into a frenzy, a mimosa-fueled frenzy like a Britney Spears song.

If they were out there playing Kink's record, like Village Green Preservation Society, I would be like, hey, let's get all the windows open. Let's hear this. But it's not what's happening. They don't do a lot of replacements. No, yeah, exactly. They're not catering to the middle-aged man on the third floor. They're not catering to this guy from Cleveland, this grumpy old man from Cleveland.

Dave, speaking of Cleveland, I was thrilled to hear that you returned to New York because I always associate you, I think of you as such like a New York guy, like a New York institution. Oh, yeah. I've always got a slice of pizza in my hand. Right. You're always walking here. Yeah.

No, I didn't. Yeah, I spent most of the last year in a tiny town in Ohio, about 3,000 people. Not even near where, about a little less than an hour from where I grew up. So a world away. Couldn't be more different. My girlfriend and I were at her mother's house, and we were taking care of her. Come on, it wasn't a big guys you would have done the same um and we i i did come back to new york a little bit but yeah i'm but now i'm

back in new york i'm yelling it i'm sending nasty emails to restaurants who are just trying to survive after this hell of a year and i'm just like hey stop it it's you're upsetting me i'm trying to watch my programs is there anything you'll miss about that that tiny town in ohio obviously you know there's more peace and quiet but did you like did you like become accustomed to anything in the year that you were there marching bands probably bigger marching bands very nice uh yeah because we were right on on the majestic lake erie um so i would go uh you know drink coffee in the morning out there on the lake and some cold ones at night. Dog needs to go out.

You just open the door. These are the things I miss. I don't miss things like Trump boat parades that happen twice. Yeah, I'll probably imagine the marching bands preferable to the Trump boat parade. You know, obviously before the election, the first one, my girlfriend and I went out to marvel at this thing. And I'm yelling swears, not at the voters, but just saying what I thought about Trump. Not a fan, as you might guess. And they started saying mean things back to me and threatened to.

One guy tried to park his jet ski and come fight me. I'm barefoot drinking coffee with my sweet dog, and he wants to. So the next one. That's tough because I bet there's a a i would maybe wager that like you're you're like you're a sturdy guy and you're in good shape but the like incredible shape yeah the jet ski guy is probably like unpredictable you know like even if you are bigger than him and even if you are in better shape like the jet ski guy unhinged yeah he he maybe he bites maybe he's got a box cutter in his board shorts you know well this is why not that i'm i you know i'm not a fan of violence in any form but i've always said you never fight anyone other than close friends and family right

because you don't know what anyone else you don't know what they're going to do when you're 10 yeah fight beat up your brother or not that i could but you know do something like that but don't yeah you don't want to just fight a stranger on the street you have to be able to defend against and jordan you know this better than anybody here on this show but you have to know what the defense is against their special move. Yeah, exactly. When they stretch their arm out super far, you got to know what combo you have to do to dodge. Exactly.

I'm just a fan of when you see them parking that jet ski, head back to the house. Speaking of life hacks, I think we just sold a 200-page self-help book. Also, I'll do you one better. Pretend you're going to the house across the street first, then run around, and then go to your actual house.

Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, what, what a season it is. Beautiful weather here in Los Angeles, California. What's going on? Breaking news. I thought it was just Bobby McFerrin doing a free live show. Breaking news. I'm tearing this off the teletype here, Jordan.

It looks like we have an important PSA from our friends at manscaped.com. Yes, this is your pubic service announcement. Do you think they hired Bruce Valanche for this? Copy, pretty good. Pretty solid. He's got a huge collection of novelty tees. Your pubic service announcement, the manscaped engineering team has created the lawnmower 4.0 trimmer which is now available for purchase in the usa and canada

i just got one of these in the mail you know what i did with my with my lawnmower 3.0 fucking drop kicked it like i was playing australian rules football off into the off into the distance i kicked it. Kapow! Off into the distance. I kicked it all the way into the fucking space orbit. Yeah, I mean, if you've heard us on the show talk about Manscaped before, you know that we're both big fans

of the... We like to keep it tight down there. Yeah, and the Lawn Mower Trimmer is a great product. And let me tell you, the Lawn Mower 4.0, it's their best yet. Yeah. I love it. I agree.

You know, Jordan, when you try and groom your area and you're trying to do it with scissors, you're trying to do it with shears. Don't do that. Yeah. You're trying to do it with the poultry shears out of your kitchen cabinet. You know what you're going to do? You're going to cut your balls straight off. Don't cut those balls off.

Happened to me once. Had to chew a lot of gum to stick those back on. Yeah. Listen, don't waste gum by chopping off your balls. You could be enjoying that fruit stripe. Yeah. See, here's what's going on with the Lawn Mower 4.0, Jesse.

It's optimized. It's waterproof. I love that it's waterproof. I love to use it in the shower. So convenient. You don't have to worry about making a mess on the bathroom floor. It just all goes down the drain. It's got a wireless charging system, and it uses electromagnetic induction,

which can help battery length last longer. Wow, the science, the science in this nut trimmer. To be fair, fruit stripe gum also uses electromagnetic induction. That's true. That's how that fucking zebra came to life. It's a horrible accident. It's an abomination and should be killed. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at Manscaped.com.

That's 20% off with free shipping at Manscaped.com. Use the code JJGO. Unlock your confidence and always use the right tools for the job with Manscaped. We've also got a message here from our friends at Magic Spoon. Can I tell you something, Jordan? Please. I ordered another box of Magic Spoon to my house, which I paid for with my own money. I love peanut butter.

My daughter, Grace, loves frosted. My wife loves cocoa. and the two younger children love the fruity one here's what magic spoon is we've talked about it we love it it is a cereal that makes breakfast not boring but it doesn't have all the junk in it zero grams of sugar 13 to 14 grams of protein four grams of net carbs and only 140 calories in each serving keto friendly gluten-free grain-free soy-free low carb and gmo free uh this stuff is seriously tasty uh no joke jordan you listed a lot of things that are not in there but i know our listeners are wondering this. I just want to set this clear.

There's no mice in there. No mice. Not a single mouse. The guarantee. I know what you're thinking. How can you make a grain-free cereal without putting a few mice in there? They found a way. They have no mice in Magic Spoon. It tastes great.

Low sugar. Keto-friendly. No mice. Not even one. And, hey, they've got a new mouseless flavor birthday cake. Happy birthday to me. It'll be available in a special five pack for a limited time only. So you get that while you can.

Or you can build your own box with cocoa, frosted, fruity, peanut butter, and cinnamon. They're all great. You cannot go wrong with any of those magic spoon flavors uh tasty tasty tasty i sincerely i really like the magic spoon i've been eating magic spoon three four times a week for breakfast and i'm very happy with it and like i said i actually paid my own money to buy it uh for real that is a true story i've done it twice come and give box has five in it so that means I've bought ten Magic Spoons with my own money. Now, here's what you

do if you want to use your own money to buy Magic Spoon. You go to magicspoon.com slash JJGo. You grab that limited edition birthday cake or a custom bundle of cereal to try it today and be sure to use the promo code JJGo at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is

so confident in their product, it's backed by the 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked. We also have a message up on the Jumbotron where we share messages from our listeners. This is from David. David says, David. David says, in the Los Angeles and Orange County areas of Southern California, I'm here to be the real estate agent you can trust to have your best interest at heart. I'm backed by brokers with 15 years of experience and many happy clients whose reviews you can read on Zillow. Please reach

out. I'm here to help. Can we make this man the official real estate agent of Jordan Jesse Go? Oh, sure, yes. And I think we should say his name, his full name, David DePong. I think I'm saying that right. David D-I-P-P-O-N-G. I'm sorry if I messed up your pronunciation. Search for him there on Zillow or just send him an email.

D-I-P-P-O-N-G at gmail.com. Now, Gmail is short for Google Mail. So there you go. So, yes, you know, essentially I am comfortable saying that David Dippong is the official realtor of JJ Go, and now he must put that on a bus bench. He has to. It's legal.

That's simply the law. And because he's in Southern California, we will be driving by to make sure that he has put up the bus bench. So yeah, you got it. And we also, because he's in Southern California, we will be driving by to make sure that his picture is terrifyingly gorgeous. Yeah. Just how did this person become a real estate agent,

not a fucking model? They were a model. They got out of the game. They were a model. And then they left and went and got some portraits at sears portrait studio but they still look good uh hey jesse uh before we get back to the show i wanted to bring back a fan favorite segment that we were taking a break from because of the max fun drive but these are some independent bookstores across the world where people are pre-ordering the Bubble Graphic Novel.

Let's hear them, baby. Okay, we got Charmed City Books in Baltimore, Maryland. Content Books in Northfield, Minnesota. They got content books, too. Sure, the books are full of them. Curious Iguana Books in Frederick, Maryland. I think we've seen that one a couple of times. Yeah, who would want a different kind of iguana? Nobody. No. Loyalty Books, Frederick, Maryland. I think we've seen that one a couple of times. Yeah, who would want a different kind of iguana?

Nobody. No. Loyalty Books, Washington, D.C. Scrawl Books in Reston, Virginia. Blue Cypress Books in New Orleans. Here's one. Great color. The Beguiling in Toronto.

Are you just reading lists of next year's hbo shows um maybe it's both maybe it's a sexy thriller set in an independent bookstore where is that show where's the big guy where's that bookstore the big guy in toronto i believe yeah tax credits yeah go ahead she real cheap to shoot there and can pass through new york uh bob's bay with a z b-o-b-z bay in bloomington illinois midtown midtown reader rooster tea feathers in sunnyvale california go bananas in cincinnati uh we got midtown reader in tallahassee florida page one books in albuquerque new mexico how oh this is a great one this is a store I shop at pretty regularly.

House of Secrets. They're in Burbank. Beautiful comic book store. Gorgeous. Gorgeous comic book store. And they're in Burbank, California. Books Are Magic in Brooklyn, of course. It's been fucking killing it at this. A lot of orders from Books Are Magic in Brooklyn.

Indie Reads Books in Indianapolis, Indiana. The Irreverent Bookworm in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Wait a minute. Did you say The Irreverent Bookworm in Minneapolis, Minnesota, or The Irreverent Bookworm from Public Radio International, PRI? Could be both. Yeah. We got Raven Bookstore in Lawrence, Kansas.

Changing Hands Books in Phoenix, Arizona. Apotheosis Comics and Lounge in St. Louis, Missouri. Val, our video producer, just pumped her fist. Oh, yeah? Because she was so excited about the one in Phoenix. Honestly, Changing Hands is probably the one we've heard the most pre-orders from. Yeah. Sweet.

And I will remind listeners that the one that gets the most, I uh get to myself in order to sign some copies so do you think madison bumgarner of the arizona diamondbacks is putting his finger on the scale i think so maybe yeah um let's see where we at where we at where we at apotheosis comics and lounge in st louis missouri sc one of the best someone say the best i love to if you love to lounge it's the place to go scg hobby in indiana indiana pennsylvania there's an indiana nice get you a model rocket as well yeah a lot of fun hobbies uh to do to pass the time unlikely story in plain view massachusetts orca books in olympia washington terrace books in brooklyn Whale Books. The name was too negative. Green Apple Books in San Francisco.

Moon Palace Books in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Regulator Bookshop. That is a tough fucking bookshop name. In Durham, North Carolina. On Paper Books in Sydney, Nova Scotia. Bear Pond Books in Montpelier, Vermont. Third Place Books in Lake Forest, Washington. Griffin Bay Bookstore in Friday Harbor, Washington.

The Escapist in Berkeley. Holy Moly Comics and Collectibles in Northampton, Massachusetts. Northshire Books in Sarasota Springs, New York. Anyone Comics in Brooklyn, New York. Porter Square Books in Somerville Massachusetts East Bay books in Seattle Washington in uh can I say that in this in his free books in Meredith New Hampshire Gmart comics in Champaign Illinois East City books in Washington DC Finney books in Seattle, Washington. Space Cowboy Books. That's the one that's named after my son Oscar's betta fish. Oh, well, that's great. That's nice that he started a bookstore.

Good for him. Yeah. Space Cowboy Books in Joshua Tree, California. The thing about betta fish is you can't just put another fish in there because they might fight and kill each other, but you can have them apply for a bank loan to open a small business. If you put them together, they fight. If you leave them alone, they open up a bookstore.

Yeah. Space Cowboy Books in Joshua Tree, California. Cosmic Monkey Comics in Portland. The Avid Reader in Davis, California. Big Planet Comics in College Park, Maryland. Once Upon a Time Bookstore in La Crescenta, California. Owl's Nest Books in Calgary, Alberta. Shelf Life Books in Calgary, Alberta. Northshire Books in Sarasota Springs, New York.

Oh my gosh, what a list. It was fun to listen to for everyone, including me. Thanks to everybody who's pre-ordering. And if you've pre-ordered at your local bookshop, let me know and I'll shout them out on the show. The end. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, hey, I'm Dave. Dave Hill from before. Yeah, Dave Hill from before. Love it. Okay, so last week or recently on the program, we requested that people call in with probably, I mean i saw this trending on twitter uh they were talking about it on desus and marrow um like it is really this is real this is a topic that is on the tip of everyone's tongue president biden addressed it uh recently in a just on the white house lawn um it's things people have found on. Brian, can you play the first thing people have found on farms? Hi, I called in before I probably fucked it up. So I'm calling in for stuff I found on farms. And I found when I was a kid on this farm that I currently work on that I

grew up on, I found a stack of 60s, 70s and and 80s pornography that is how I learned about sex. So I guess also on a momentous occasion, I found a bunch of old penthouses on this farm. Not the only thing I found. Won't be the last thing I found, so I'll probably call again. Yeah, call us whenever you find something. Keep us updated. You find some 90s pornography, let us know. Before, if you find some old movies that they say are nudist documentaries

that they would play at a stag party in the 50s, let us know. Sure, some figure drawing studies. Right. I think if you're going to find that sort of material, I think he did hit the jackpot. That's the real sweet spot. 60s, 70s, and 80s. You think it kind of went downhill?

I'm told. I'm told. Yeah. I'm more of a 20s and 30s man. A short bob and a straight frilly dress is my thing. My friend Carl, he bought a house upstate years ago, and there was a barn. You know where this is headed.

There was a goat in there. He found similar materials, and then just disturbing. I think the man of the house, we presumed the man of the house, based on, I think he was just going out there and just having a real wild time with his magazines. Letting it fly into the hay bale. I think he was. Yeah, he wasn't.

The hay had been transformed into Adobe, technically. Technically, it was now Adobe. Oh, Jesse, you know how I feel about blue humor. What? I'm just talking about construction techniques that provide for ample insulation. Okay. From the desert heat okay but if i hear you talk about coming in hay i would never talk about i would never talk about saucing up hay saucing all right oh boy oh boy uh let's let's find out what someone else found on a farm. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to guess special guest Joe Firestone. I'm calling for your segment, Things I Found on a Farm,

in which Jordan requested a skeleton and Jesse requested a piece of a blimp. A few years ago, I went on a field trip to France as part of my recreation and tourism program. And at one point, my professor got our driver to stop by the side of a farmer's field so we could root around for remnants of the First World War. I ended up finding a couple bullets and it's Jordan's lucky day because I did find a piece of human skull and I think someone's clavicle. My understanding is this is actually quite common in farmer's fields in this area and there's relevant government agencies that come collect the remains and lay them to rest respectfully elsewhere. Unfortunately we didn't find any

blimp parts that I'm aware of but we did meet a guy with a metal detector who said his friend, a week before, had found a full case of grenades. So happy hunting around farms, everyone, but do be careful because you never know when you might find a full case of grenades. Thank you and all the best. Where would you find that? Under a rock? Yeah, I don't know. Seems like the rock would teeter a little, you all the best. Where would you find that? Under a rock? Yeah, I don't know. Seems like the rock would teeter a little, you know?

Sure. Okay, so here's my first reaction to this. Other than the case of grenades, which I agree raises some logistical questions, I was getting the vibe here that maybe because this was a field trip, the bullets and the skulls were things that the educators planted out there

for the kids to find. Like when you do the panning for gold exhibit or like, oh, here's what it's like to be a paleontologist. And they put some little bonies out there for you to find two two things i want to address here jordan yeah sure first i just want to mention that uh we did a little archaeology project when i was in fifth grade shout out to discovery center school uh where we had to create our own culture and then bury stuff in the art of the school that symbolized our culture our culture was the reference culture yes that is surfer spelled

backwards and yes i did make a clay tube of zinc sunblock but i wrote i wrote sunblock on it in the special language that we had created. So that's thing number one. Thing number two, you mentioned prospecting. Such a rich, beautiful culture, by the way. Yeah. Thing number two, Jordan, you mentioned prospecting. I know that you recently moved to the great city of Pasadena, California.

Oh, yeah. City of Roses. I'm glad we're finally getting to it on the show. Now, I happen to be in Pasadena california oh yeah city of roses as i'm glad we're finally getting to it on the show now i happen to be in pasadena california i'm not i'm not bragging about this but i was at a an occupational therapy appointment for one of my children again not bragging but you know addressing some occupational therapy issues and uh while I was there... It's great that your kids have occupations. Yeah, it's nice. They're having a hard time with their clowning. They have some repetitive clowning issues. I happen to notice in Pasadena, California, I don't know if you've patronized

this business, a prospecting supply store. No, it tracks, though. I mean, this is the place that would have a prospecting supply store. It is very in line with the general vibe up here. Blew my fucking mind. Prospecting supplies. Yeah, I would say that the general vibe of Pasadena is field trip.

Field trip location. Just a series of field trip. Field trip location. Just a series of field trip locations mashed together. All I can think of is how that prospecting store did during the pandemic. Did it do better than ever? Or did they say, look, we were brazen before,

but now... Dave, they didn't have to worry about the pandemic. They got a PPPP loan, a Paycheck Protection Program for prospecting. As long as you can provide curbside pickup, you know? Yeah. You know what's crazy? There's a pet portrait gallery in my neighborhood i'm amazed how they stay oh how they stay open to begin with i just walked

by the other day still in business much less in the west village of new york that's not a business that requires real estate they've chosen to have real estate for that yeah yeah that's not a business that requires real estate. They've chosen to have real estate for that business. Yeah, that's confidence. Take a good look. If I were in charge of a field trip, I would say go look the pet portrait painter in the eye and drink it in and take that with you for the rest of your life yeah and you can accomplish anything feel that jordan you were talking about that uh dispensary in pasadena that

you were checking out what was it called puff puff pasadena puff puff pasadena yeah you were talking about puff puff pasadena i'm here talking about this prospecting supply store. I think you know what they have in common. Dank nugs. Sure. They're both all about those dank nugs. Gold, marijuana. That's the one thing that stoners and 49ers can agree on.

When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Why don't you, Brian, play one call of that? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and recurring guests. The conspicuous absence of Brian Sonny D. Fernandez's laughter. Oh, I miss it. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion.

I have a six-year-old son who has a neurological condition which affects his motor skills and his speech. And, you know, he's been in speech therapy for a couple of years now. And, you know, it's always been a source of pain for him, a lot of heartbreak because he can't communicate with the rest of the world. And, you know, it hurts him so bad. He hates going to school. It's hard for us, like, as his parents to even understand what he says. But he's been making tremendous breakthroughs lately. He's working so hard. Just last week, he was finally able to make the C and the K sound, which has been something that's been hard for him for his entire life. And just earlier today, he surprised

me as we were reading his schoolwork together. He just made the G sound, which was one of the last letters he had to do. Now he can do every letter in the alphabet. And I'm just so happy and so proud of him. He's been working so hard. And it's just, you know, all these years he's really been struggling and it's fantastic to see how happy he is now that he's able to make all these mouth noises that the rest of us take for granted, you know? Yeah, just call me and say that.

And as a little bonus, my dog snatched two birds out of the air within minutes of each other yesterday. And I disappointed a Russian trucker as I was leaving work today. All right. I hope you guys have a nice day. Bye. Always disappoint a trucker on your way out. You got to teach them a fucking lesson. Sir, I'm sorry.

This had to be three separate calls. You've taken some hard turns that would make Al Unser Jr. jealous. Race car driver, Al Unser Jr. Not the old man, the younger one. They were really palate cleanser moves, too, because I was getting a little choked up. And then he talks about the dog eating the birds, and I was like, those dogs, you can't stay mad at them.

And then the Russian trucker, I'm like, intrigue. All these things are happening. Do you guys think this guy called in because he knew i was going to talk about occupational therapy he's like oh i got some occupational and speech stories to tell my friend i got a kid in speech therapy too we're just doing it all around i mean uh i mean and this is really thrilling that uh that his kid has gone on to c k and g three of the greatest letters i think we can all agree top they're top 26 they make up the word gunk you can't spell gunk without him can i just say what i think the top letters are gotta be r s t l n e yeah that's right the ones that you get for free when you're playing

wheel of fortune of course you need them to spell rl stein our favorite author of both the goosebumps and fear street series you big fear Oh, yeah. I love the street. FS? I actually, I'm not, I guess I am bragging. I met R.L. Stine. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

It was a pretty cool hang, actually. How'd it go? It was pretty cool. Was this at that German metal festival? It was pretty cool. No, it's here in town. It's here in town. The town of Manhattan, New York City?

Yep. Yep. Did you get spooked at all? We just had a little chat. Yeah. You know, like, hey, you good mostly? Yeah, I'm pretty good. You good?

Yeah, I'm pretty good. Oh good? Yeah, I'm pretty good. Oh, I'm glad to hear he's well. It's great that he's doing good. Oh, yeah. No, nice fellow. Nice fellow. How does he come up with all those spooks and frights? We have a lot of great ideas on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We're absolutely full of them.

A lot of recurring segments that people love. Because we have so many, instead of calling them out specifically, we just have people let us know what segment they're calling in for when they call. Often we don't even remember having, I can't speak for you, Jordan. I often can't remember having invented them. But we must have because people are calling in for them. So go ahead and press play on one, Brian. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and future guest Scott Bakula. Brian, pause the call. God, I'd love to have Scott Bakula on this program.

You think Bakula would do JJ Go? Bakula, go on JJ Go. Right. Let's get it trending. Do you think if Bakula came on the show, we could get him to take his shirt off? Yeah. I think we could just tell him that it's important for the show. I mean, I think... Yeah.

I mean, he does the work. He might as well show off the goods, you know? Yeah. We could have that conversation with his agent or management before the show. So I'm sure he would need to sign a semi-nudity consent form situation. I think he'd do that for us, though. And of course, we'll have an intimacy coach on hand.

Yeah. You know, just in case. Just to show us how to be intimate with Bacula? Mm-hmm. God, I'd love that. Scott Bacula. Do you know Scott? Do you know the actor Scott Bacula, Dave?

Gorgeous guy. I don't think I do. I love that. Scott Bakula. Do you know Scott? Do you know the actor Scott Bakula, Dave? Gorgeous guy. I don't think I do. You know, but it's probably one of these things. I will Google him for a couple hours. Next time you're hanging out in Griffith Park, you're going to see him jog past with no shirt on. You're going to know exactly who Scott Bakula is. Oh, OK. You're going to know exactly. OK, press, press, press, play, play, play, play. This is Niall. I'm calling in for your recurring segment, sticking it to Home Depot. A few months ago, my fiance and I went down to North Carolina to stay in an Airbnb for a month to do some hiking

and we needed some Adirondack chairs, but the place didn't have any. The only department store around was Home Depot, and we didn't really want to shop there. But we were able to purchase two Adirondack chairs, use them for the entire month, and then at the end of the month leverage their extensive return policy to return the chairs for free. So we were able to basically have two Adirondack chairs at Home Depot's expense. So thank you very much. Love you guys uh city willie says he loves you too uh thank you what the fuck this was city willie's owner how did he close with that this is the silly city willie here's this whole fucking illegal scheme that he's describing this yeah this whole home depot thing was a subterfuge that this is the owner of my favorite instagram dog do you think he would take one of my dogs for his dog you take take you take that back in defense of the sweet sweetie yeah jesse let's not let's not

go down this road don't say don't say something you can't take back. Fucking City Willie. God, I love City Willie. How Instagrammable are your dogs? I think it depends. Mine are no fucking City Willie, I'll tell you that much. City Willie has a friend too. I'm trying to think of what City Willie's friend's name is, but this friend is practically as good as City Willie. What's City Willie's deal?

It's a dog from Instagram that I love. Love this fucking dog. I met a famous instagram dog once i did a show with uh one of these dogs and gosh the audience was really excited about that dog not really excited about anyone else no hard to fall hard to follow the dog you know you gotta close with the dog because know you got to close with the dog because then people probably thought you were a band the weirdest thing about it is the dog's owner wrangler had a real the dog very down to earth the owner was not so much was just like yeah real fucking snooty i'm a pickles owner get out of the way you piece of

shit yeah can i have some escargot please don't look me in the eye i own a dog can i tell you what home depot scam immediately flashed into my head when he said he was calling in for our segment sticking it to home depot and first of all i'm i support anyone sticking it to Home Depot. And first of all, I support anyone sticking it to Home Depot. My father-in-law is the manager of an independent employee-owned hardware store in Marin County, Jackson's Hardware. Go shop at it. And so Home Depot is a family enemy, and I'm against them for many reasons. But the immediate thought that I thought of is there's a Home Depot in my neighborhood, and you know it has those floor sample sheds out front, like full-size assembled sheds that are out front. Yeah. My thought is you just go there at night, put that thing on top of your car, and drive away.

Yeah, I mean. If it's too big for you to lift, what you do is you get two cars and you tie a rope between them. Nice. Yeah. I think that happens in the new Fast and Furious trailer. Yeah, fucking... The Rock needs a shed.

It's like, God damn it. We gotta get the gang back together. I know we all said we were out. Where can I keep my rake, says The Rock. The Rock's rake. This is your Home Depot scam is to simply just steal a large object that's out front.

It's not exactly Ocean's Eleven. It's great because it looks kind of like a little house. I mean, it's a large object, but it's a tiny, tiny house. Yeah, but it makes you look like a giant man which i like yeah it's nice to nice to feel big you know you know my my home depot scam is you go in and you pick out something on you know low on the shelf and you ask for assistance

looking for that thing and when the home depot guy bends over to grab it for you you shank him wow oh yeah that's a fucking classic black metal move at home depot when they need a hard to get ratchet leave him bleeding on the floor then you finish your shopping and don't murder 206-984-4FUN or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. We have wasted this world. Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But beneath the surface, well, that's another story entirely. In a city built leagues below the apocalypse,

survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange new world. Some seek salvation for their homeland above. Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city's walls. And others still seek, what else? Fortune and glory. Dive into the Aether Sea, the latest campaign from the Adventure Zone, every other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. The 2021 pin sale has begun.

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the Max Fund Drive. This is the last year for a while that we'll be doing pins for Max Fund Drive and the fifth year that we'll be selling pins and donating all proceeds to charity. The past year proved what we already knew, that having access to the internet at home is a necessity for work, school, healthcare, and keeping in touch with family and friends. So the proceeds from this year's pin sale will go towards Everyone On, a nonprofit working to bridge the digital divide.

We're grateful that with your support, we'll be able to help low-income folks gain access to affordable computers, internet services, and digital literacy programs. The sale will run until May 28th. Folks at the $10 monthly level and above will have access to all of the pins from The Drive. That's 38 pins, one from every show on the network. We also have a special 2021 MaxFunDrive pin that all members can purchase. Go to MaximumFun.org slash pin sale for more info. And to learn more about Everyone On and support them directly, you can go to EveryoneOn.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm Joe Firestone. No, I'm Dave Morris, boy detective. I'm Joe Firestone. No, I'm Dave Hill. No, you're not Joe Firestone. I'm Dave Hill. You're not. I got confused by the earlier call that said it was Joe Firestone that was with you guys. You're very suggestible, Dave. Very suggestible.

Not all gentle-voiced New York comedians are Joe Firestone. I love Joe Firestone, so I'd be honored to be her, even for the few seconds I just was. It'd be wonderful. Yeah. If there was a being John Malkovich situation for Joe Firestone, I think we can all agree would take it. We live right by each other, not to brag.

If you want to really, I referred her to the vet that she takes her dog to. That's where I take my dog. And I just took my dog to the vet. And they took $50 off the bill because I referred Joe. Wow. That's pretty good. Do they only do that to people who are producers on adult swim shows? You have to be SAG. You have to be sag you have to be sag

got it i think that's a non-union show so no no well let me think about it all union it is union yeah guild it's i know it i i say this because i was on on the show, so I do know it's a SAG show. It's an Equity production. You know... Because it's got more than 49 seats. Equity, you know, I did... Not to brag, but I did an off-Broadway play, and I did not... You never would guess this about me,

but I did not grow up in the theater. And everyone... but you project so well i know well the tip of the tongue the teeth and the lips david hill david hill exactly everyone in this play was like a broadway they were all real deal broadway actors And then there was the card and they, everyone had an asterisk and it says member actors equity, except for my name. And I didn't. And I said, well,

wouldn't the thing to do be to have the asterisk and then have it say, have it just be by not my name and have it say not actors equity. That's how you use an asterisk. It's the exception. It is not. Yeah. And's how you use an asterisk. It's the exception. It is not. Yeah. And they just didn't. That was just one of the many humiliations I suffered during the production.

Yeah. You're a reverse Roger Maris. They could have done like, you know, after everybody like asterisk member actors equity. And then after you asterisk member, which taint. Exactly.

Can I suggest something? Please. Next to everybody else asterisk member actors equity next to dave asterix obelix yeah sure if you wanted to why not reference a french comic strip maybe danish no i'm gonna say dutch yeah let's let's go with flemish belgian yeah probably belgian someone will tell us dave hill what do you got going on you got the dave hill good time hour you've been live streaming the dave hill good time oh yeah taking telephone calls during this pan pandemic um yeah we've been doing this. And then, but I'll tell you, this Friday, at least May 21st, I'm in a huge Hollywood movie. I'm in a movie called Drunk Bus that comes out Friday, May 21st. It stars Charlie Tehan from Ozark.

Will Forte's in it. This is another situation with those member actors' equity. It's this sort of thing. I'm the turd in the punch bowl. But I'm in this movie. They let me talk and wave my arms around. They really let me run with the ball in this movie. And it's a really great movie.

So everyone has to watch. It's in select theaters, as they say, and also on the Amazon and all that. And then I'm in the new Peacock series, Girls 5 Ever. I have a guest starring role on one episode. I love that Girls 5 Ever. I haven't gotten to your episode, Dave. I'm only a couple episodes in. I'm not going to tell you which one because I want this to be a surprise, but it is

episode seven. Did you get to meet Paula Pell? I did. I had actually met her once before, but I don't know if she remembered, which is not a judgment on her. It's just the nature of show business. I don't know why I said show business.

You meet a lot of Daves. Listen, I've been in show business. You meet a lot of Daves. Listen, I've been in show business. You meet a lot of Daves. And you're a very distinct Dave. One of the greats. There's just a wealth of Daves. There's many Daves. There's another Dave Hill, as we know.

Yeah, West Coast Dave Hill. But honestly, you've been on Jordan Jesse Go way more times than he has. Sorry, West Coast Dave Hill. I'm the preeminent dave hill in the world at this moment but as we know as we know i could be taken out at the knees by you know who knows sure who knows what dave hill is waiting in the wings just trying to i'm not going to say what example this could come from, but what if there was suddenly a Seattle-based soccer star named Dave Hill? Then you'd be out of luck.

At first, you'd see him just scoring goals for the junior national team, and you'd be like, this 16-year-old is hot on my heels. Then he'd become a star on the Seattle Sounders, and you'd have to give him a serious, what was it, an ACL injury? What did you do to that, Jordan Morris, Jordan? Oh, Dave, yeah, Jesse is referencing, there's a Jordan Morris, this is the story of the more famous Jordan Morris, who is a- Not to my mind. You are the preeminent Jordan Morris. Thank you, Dave.

I appreciate that. And honestly, that's important to me. So thank you for saying that. But yes, there's a- The other one is the one for me jordan hey you know what i get it i've seen the dude great looking guy soccer star beautiful little shorts he's uh yeah i mean he's got a lot on me honestly um you could probably buy the shorts yeah i could if they don't have them at Big Five, you could try to play it again. Are they Umbro? Is that the brand?

Yeah, they're probably Umbro. They might be. I don't know if he has a short. They could be Lecoq Sportif. Ooh. A lot of shorts out there. So I'll do some research. I'll make sure I get the right shorts.

But yeah, I think he was playing in the UK for a while. But yes, I think he is maybe out with an injury. And even though he is more famous than me and is easier to Google, we wish him a speedy recovery. And I don't mean that in a shit-eating way. I hope he gets better soon. All the best to soccer Jordan Morris.

And of course, his beautiful fiance. And his beautiful fiance. And of course, all the best to soccer Jordan Morris. And of course, his beautiful fiance. And his beautiful fiance. And of course, all the best to Lecoq Sportif. May you continue to live on European tourists' backpacks long into the future. And I'll just be here in America walking around on my fucking perfect ACLs. perfect acls just yeah fucking healthy shiny acls oh yeah you went to the doctor to get a checkup the doctor asked if he could borrow your acl it's so fucking gorgeous yeah he wanted to show medical students what a what a fucking gorgeous ACL looked like. And they said, shut up and keep checking the prostate, doc.

We're in your keep. Milk me, baby. Jesus. I am offended. Jesse, I told you. This is an offensive show. What did I say at the beginning of the show? Milk me, baby. You baby, coming in hay.

Jesus Christ. Where am I? A frat house? Jeez. It warms during the day and then keeps warm in the evening. But then by the time it's day again, it's cool because of the thick walls that are made from a combination of hay and semen. You know, you guys. Oh, my God.

So you have to sauce the hay, Jordan. I told all my little nieces and nephews, I said, I'm doing a really popular podcast, Uncle Dave. And they said, well, let us know as soon as it's out. We want to hear it. And now I'm going to have to say. Well, what is the release schedule for Joe Rogan? I'm going to go on his show but he he keeps it he probably keeps it clean yeah probably keeps it clean on that show that guy's on the dark web you know that guy's on the dark web as well as that

guy not doing on the dark web yes like direct to his his apple watch. It's just dark web in it. It's got a nap. Dave, I was on the Dave Hill Good Time Hour not too long ago, and I had a blast. I think if people haven't listened to it yet, they really should. It was so much fun. I had more fun than ever. Oh, thank you.

Yes, it was great to have you, and I love Bubble. Thanks, man. I'm referring to the graphic novel. Thank you, Dave. I appreciate that. Comic book. And the show as well, but you were on the show.

We'll edit this part out where I'm being really specific. No, no, we should leave it in. It's a part where we talk about how great Jordan is. We should not cut this. Leave it in, extend it. Brian, maybe drop in some old mentions of how great I am. Big fan. I love your swimmer's hair oh thanks yeah it's

still here i've been meaning to i've been meaning to get it cut but it's uh it's sticking around no i love it love it i still support it i'm still totally behind it i know that every time i say it it sounds like i'm being insincere but i really like it it's nice of you to say i yeah do think i look insane and uh we'll be having to enter into professional situations again soon yeah that's fair and i uh probably should not look like a uh alcoholic wizard yeah you should you kind of look like the white what's that guy called shingu the guy that's like the futurist for's that guy called? Shingu? I don't know. It's like the futurist for Yahoo.

I wanted to say Chingy, but that's the guy who's friends with Nelly. Yeah. That's the right there guy, I think. I don't remember what Chingy's big hit was, but I think it's the right there song. Anyway, our producer on the program, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Dave Hill has been our guest on the program brian sunny d fernandez uh dave hill has been our guest on the show valerie moffitt live streaming the show on the internet still in beta folks still in beta our theme music is love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records you can find us on social media at jordan Morris at Jesse Thorne on Twitter at Jordan David Morris and at put dot this dot on on Insta.

Turns out instant mashed potatoes are pretty good, especially if you doctor them up afterwards. I had never had them before, but I like them and they're really convenient side. I had never had them before, but I like them and they're a really convenient side. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com, which is a fun hang. Not unlike the Dave Hill Good Time Hour, to which you should subscribe. 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org for your voice memos. And this is our first episode after the MaxFunDrive. Our heartfelt and sincere thanks to every single member of Maximum Fun. We are awed that we get the opportunity to work for you. Love you Love you