Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 689: Utah Jizz with David Gborie

Episode Date: May 27, 2021

David Gborie (All Fantasy Everything podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's new visceral strategy for keeping his cat Bug from scratching up his new couch, Jesse's realization that Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk is the live entertainment experience he's been chasing since high school, and the transition of taquitos from a niche Mexican food to a staple at convenience store gas stations.If you are a MaxFun member, it's the LAST WEEK to buy MaxFunDrive pins! This year's sale benefits EveryoneOn, a nonprofit dedicated to connecting low-income families to affordable computers and internet service.  The sale runs until this Friday, May 28.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, Jordan, I built a fucking dog house today, not to brag. Hey, congratulations, man. That's how did how are the dogs liking it they haven't visited yet um you gotta you gotta trick them into it but here's the point jordan okay i think you know that while i'm i'm comfortable enough with a hand tool the reality

is that i'm not gonna measure twice just to cut once yeah you don't have the time for that what a fucking waste if if at all i mean why i mean why measure what with your busy go-go life yeah god just start cutting grab the saw start cutting given my busy go-go life it's amazing that i do anything else besides to go to the go-go right it's just it's just me in the backyard band jamming out there uh enjoying enjoying my and i go go boots of course but here's the thing jordan when i say that i built this dog house this is what i mean when i say that i just saw a dog house for 15 dollars at a garage sale so i bought that shit i got I got two dogs. They'll probably like it. So why are we saying built?

Yeah. I mean, I just, well, first of all, it's a comic deception. Uh-huh. You know, it's a classic misdirection gag, which is where you say you built the doghouse, but then later you say you just bought it at a garage sale for $15. But I did. Here's what I did do. My son Oscar was with me.

I bought this garage sale doghouse for $15. It was made out of chipboard. You know what that is? I don't know. Yeah. What is chipboard? It's like that kind of even cheaper than plywood where it's just chunks of wood compressed together with glue

in between now we're talking i'm just so i can picture the dog house is this a classic snoopy situation triangle roof square body that's a great question jordan thanks for asking it for dog hole for dog to go in yeah i'm glad to answer your dog hole question um so uh it is jesse the dogs go in the dog hole right the dog that's right he goes in the dog hole that's the hole for the dog okay that's right buddy would you like a butter cookie no i have diarrhea i just wanted to know about the dog hole. Okay, so here's what happened. It was unfinished. Yeah.

So guess what I did, Jordan? Hmm. Fucking went down to the hardware store, bought myself a can of glossy red paint, took that out to the yard. Red, classic doghouse color. Put it down on some newspaper got two brushes a big one and a little one for me and my little buddy oscar we painted the shit out of that thing that's awesome that's really that's wholesome that's

like catch that's like pies on the windowsill man all american painting a dog house with a child and then you know what i did beautiful i had that big i had that classic dog house painted it bright red i fell asleep lying right on the top until my little yellow bird woke me up oh yeah you know you were snoopy in today then yeah it was snoopy and the best part is uh now you got somewhere to go and you're in trouble with the wife yeah thank you okay thank you i don't uh sorry the couch is spoken for okay usually when i get in trouble with the wife she goes to the couch then i have to go outdoors right and the children all sleep in the bed exactly it's the classic family switch hold on the grandparents sleep in the bed head to toe which is called charlie bucket style right yeah

bucketing yeah um is the idea for the dogs to go in the dog house or is it is this just uh you know a charming yard decoration yes so oh that's a great question i think realistically it may end up being a sort of garden gnome type situation yeah um but i do plan on putting like you know the crate training you you you feed the dog in there you give the dog stuff in there and then the dog learns to love it yeah positive associations i'm gonna do that i'm gonna put like dog dog in there, you give the dog stuff in there, and then the dog learns to love it. Yeah, positive associations. I'm going to do that. I'm going to put dog treats in there. Because my idea is if I put dog treats in there every day-

Right in the dog hole? You're going to throw them right in the dog hole? Yeah, I'm going to throw some treats in the dog hole. Shove them right up the dog hole? My thinking on this is that if I do it consistently like doing it consistently is so important if i do it once or twice a day every single day i think by the end of three or four weeks i'll have a raccoon family in there that's the dream yeah and you can get rid of those pesky dogs and just become a raccoon guy yeah absolutely are you a dog person or a cat person?

Choice C, you'll say. Yeah, I'll say it. I'm a raccoon guy. Pardon me, I can't help but notice, your cat doesn't have little human hands. Your cat's not washing its food enough. Let's introduce our guest on the program. You know him as a stand-up comic. You know him as one of the hosts of all fantasy everything you know him of course as the silver bullet of denver colorado mr david

bori hi david how are you oh good well okay i wanted to start with hello i'm good i'm good i'm a i'm a solid seven baby yeah you know what i'm talking about i'm a solid seven, baby. Seven. You know what I'm talking about? I'm a homemade egg salad sandwich, just good enough. You had some celery, but you didn't have any red onions. Exactly. Turmeric, not in this house, but, you know, it's too late to go get a sandwich outside. Put a little mustard in there. Atta boy.

David, I have something I've been dying to ask you. Oh, no. I need closure on this. Do you know how to do kidney surgery? Yes. Help me. My blood is now, I was going to say, my piss is now blood.

Yeah. Didn't quite do that right. It's okay. If your piss is blood, your blood can be piss. Why not? They switched. Also, I'm a professional comedian. It's still funny if your blood is piss.

Yeah. The bit still works, man. Thanks, man. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. That really means a lot. Yeah. He did it.

You didn't think it could be done. He just did it. Yes. Pee is thicker than water. Yes, thank you. We can do this as much as we want. Gotta hydrate. You gotta hydrate.

These colors don't pee. Thank you. Thank you. Just hold it in. We're a nation of exploding bladders. That's how we got 45 yep right right uh so when i i was on all fantasy everything uh a few months back had a great time uh one of the funniest podcasts you're you're you're such a funny crew over there at afe The egg salad of the podcast community. Come on.

Egg salad? You're chicken salad. You're chicken salad. Chicken. I don't put. That's one time the chicken did not come before the egg. You know what I'm talking about? Thank you.

I don't. The salad sandwiches. Also evolutionary. I will say, Jordan, I listened to your episode of All Fantasy Everything, which was about arcade video games. I had a great time, and I encourage all our listeners to go open up their phones, look up All Fantasy Everything, find Jordan's episode, and listen to that instead of this. Go ahead, Jordan. Thank you. Now that no one's listening,

I can do my spicy material. I didn't like watching Ellen that much. I know she danced and she was nice. Yeah. Finally, the unfiltered opinions are coming out. TMZ is coming for my thoughts. Yeah. Basically, we're like Austin, Texas right now.

We can say anything we say anything i was just saying that about you before i got on the zoom yeah that's not true i was watching the power line video uh for eye to eye on youtube but yeah from a goofy movie yeah i'm a big fan cool i've been banging that i've been banging that drum for years. Yeah. Goof drooping. So while we were doing the podcast, we paused briefly while you were getting a couch delivered, and it's been bugging me. How's that couch, dude? Dude, are you ready for this? Are y'all ready?

Yes. Are y'all ready for this? Uh-huh. Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp. moving his video conference camera i bet hasn't started god i'm on tenterhooks jordan did you know you know tenterhooks is like that kind of i think that's the kind of hook that you that uh rocky hangs a side of beef on to punch it you explained it to me on a previous episode, and I did not retain what it actually is.

Wait, that was the couch. While we were yakking, Dave was showing the couch. Oh, my God. Look at this. Look at this couch. That is a nice one. There's a lady over there on that couch. The couch looks beautiful.

Yeah, it's great. I mean, that was uh really i thought that was the end of the bit no no we really we really need to talk about the couch because we got nothing else this is a purely visual this whole build-up was just for you to show me and jordan the couch and for the audience to hear us say looks like like a nice couch. Got a lady on it. Yeah. That's why I do it for people to see. Now it's time for stupid pet tricks. Yeah, I got the couch.

You know, I've been sitting on it. Sometimes I sit on the ground with my back against it. Nice. No dip has really spilled on it. So I think it's, you know, seven out of ten egg salad of couches. Okay. Egg salad sandwich of couches. A lot of egg salad here tonight.

That's great. I got a new couch last week. Okay. So that's what this was about, Jordan. You wanted to brag about your couch. That's true. I was just setting myself up to talk about my couch. What, does it fold out?

What, does it turn into a bed? What, is it a love seat where you go to make out? Ooh, a make out seat. God, I wish. I would love to get to second base on a couch. Yeah, you're used to third, right?

Come on. Yeah. High five into the zoo. Shouts out to Oral, though zoo shouts out to oral though shouts out to oral yeah i've done third i've never done second yeah just go straight to yeah that's because this isn't we're not in kansas anymore yeah you know what i'm waiting till i'm married to do second base thank you i will only do second base with my wife whom god has ordained we've done this on the show before it's been some years david what would you say are the bases oh no i was worried you were gonna ask me that i think every man has his own bases and woman that's

why dr martin luther king jr yeah everybody you know so there's a lot of what are my bases you want to know yeah yeah first base a goofy movie okay okay second base mouth stuff okay third base childhood confessions okay home run Okay. Third base, Childhood Confessions. Okay. Home Run. We're picking blackberries together in Oregon in the fall. That's what's up. They're plump and juicy. Look at those dark berries.

The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice they say about a home run. Trust me, all my bases are plump and juicy. Thank you. So, dudes, what's it like to pick berries with a girl i gotta know i've never done it before i'm shy like the one day you remember your parents marriage being good yeah you know doesn't everybody have like the one sexy day they remember between their parents do you guys am I the only one? You don't have? Well, I'm sorry.

I literally don't remember a day when my parents were in the same room and weren't angry about it. Well, I'm talking or step parents. I'm talking step parents. I never have seen my parents. My mom and my dad, I've never seen them kiss. But with my step parents, I remember there was a couple of days where it's just like whoa shot a at 2 p.m okay okay right after lunch yeah spring is spring is sprung you're full of egg salad and it was eight out of a ten today yeah thank you that's because you had the turmeric yeah i i. I distinctly

remember, and I don't mean to tell someone else's stories, but I do remember going to have dinner with my mom and stepdad, and they were both wearing matching denim shirts. Oh, come on. That's a sex day. Yeah. I'm like, oh, guys.

Yeah. Get a room. Get a room if you're going to Leno together. Jordan, when you and a partner wear matching denim shirts, do you wear them during the act, or do you set them out to put them on afterwards? Well, I mean, again, you're asking the wrong guy. I'm a little bit of a babe in the woods here.

I've never picked blackberries with anyone. I've never worn matching denim. Really? I just want to know what it's like. Dudes, what's it like? Jordan, you haven't gone down to Underwood Family Farms with a lady? Yes. It's my favorite Randy Teen movie from the 90s.

Jordan, I'll tell you my bases. Okay, what are your bases? First base is go down to Underwood Family Farms. Okay. Second base is watch the animatronic chicken show. Yeah. Third base, watch the animatronic chicken show a second time. And a home run is fucking the chickens oh man you and my stepdad

have the same bases yeah congratulations to david's stepdad for knowing where the fuck it is at put on some chard a fuck a robot chicken yeah put it on my tombstone why don't you jordan if you hear that band that band of animatronic chickens at underwood family farms north of los angeles and you don't get randy i think your junk doesn't work oh yeah oh man if you don't get randy off of that your junk is a real simon come on. Yeah, thank you. Absolutely dreadful. Are we doing American Idol bits or what tonight? Please.

We are. You know, your junk is a real Paula Abdul featuring MC Scat Cat. All right. Yeah, that's right. Opposites attract. Opposites do attract. She was having sex with that animal. Yeah, I think so.

But you're right right i bet there were some biology issues that they had to like overcome have you seen a cat penis it's not like one of mine no if you i mean there's a cat penis and then there's a cartoon cat penis i mean that's a horrifying penis of another kind this is a common misconception that mc scat cat has a cat's penis with a weird barb on the end that comes out like a lipstick and so on and so forth the reality is mc scat cat had a human cock and it was a beauty this thing was gorgeous i already had a real milton burl yeah a real a real lyndon b johnson mc scat cat said okay uh i'll enter your dick contest but i'm only taking out enough to win right the mc did not stand for master ceremonies and stood for monster Yes, thank you. Monstercock and Scat Cat.

I'm so glad everybody turned off this episode to listen to all fantasy everything. Okay, so I'm glad we finally got on to MC Scat Cat for the 70,000th time in the history of Jordan Jesse Go. We hit Powerline. Now we're on to mc scat cat what

other cartoon musicians do we need to get to before the show is over boy uh i'm gonna say one of those 60s bubblegum pop groups the archies yeah the monkeys no they weren't they weren't animated though no they just felt like monkeying around yeah exactly i think that's your top three right the archies mc scat cat and the animatronic chickens you probably swap out the archies for josie and the pussycats but sure oh thank you what about jamming the holograms jamming the hall sure oh so many good but that's because you're a real one um you had a question about mc mc scat cat just did mc scat cat have a whole other did mc scat cat put out an album that's what i want to know uh yes romany malco wrote it i'm screaming because this is a weird hold on let me go to the internet to confirm this is a crazy

i can't believe you just scratched my itch baby i can't believe i got to talk about this again that's crazy this is like ice t wrote the raps on mr t's album yeah yeah or naz wrote big willy style oh boy oh boy This is extraordinary, Jordan. We are about to create audio history. David Borey going to Wikipedia to confirm right now. To read it to us. That Romany Malco from the 40-Year-Old Virgin. His rap was written and performed by, okay, okay, okay. Listen, no.

This is, I remember this. It was written and performed by Derek Stevens, although Romney Malco did the majority of the writing for the MC Scat Cat and the Stray Mob album. Wow. David Borey, who have you got in a battle? MC Scat Cat or the Mad Rapper? who have you got in a battle mc scat cat or the mad rapper i mean because the mad rapper let me tell you why he's mad joe thank you yeah no i love it a big fan i think that i have mc scat cat he's just more relatable to me yeah that's true maybe i get obsessed you've got a monster cock yourself i have a monster cock she doesn't like cigarettes i like to smoke

you're a classic scat cat type that's what they've been telling me call hollywood let them know we got this i got this new kid he's a real scat cat type oh yeah monster cock if the the noid the noid is back oh i know man so scat cat can come back right if the noid can come back and delight us all yeah surely surely there's room for i mean somebody call up romney malco i think right romany malco is not busy you know you see him in a showtime show every once in a while but i think he's available i think we could get romany malco and you know what if we can't get romany malco i think we could probably get dougie doug i think dougie d would do it. Like the way that phase on love did Robin Harris's voice for baby's kids.

We have, we have Dougie Doug. He's on love. I'm an alcohol. Thank you. Yeah. I made that triangle. What are we?

10 minutes in. Come on. Do you know who power line was? Do you know who was responsible for the power line music? Evan Campbell. Okay. No. Yes Tevin Campbell. Okay. No. Tevin Campbell?

Of Can We Talk fame, yes. Tevin Campbell. Ready for the World. Graffiti Bridge. Round and Round. David Borey, speaking of things that have come up on our program before, do you or did you as a child believe the Goof Troop, Goofy and his family, the stars of a goofy movie were african

american yeah i was just talking to somebody that about that recently i don't know yeah i i just it was kind of i also thought baloo uh and uh tailspin the whole tailspin crew i also thought they were black wait even gadget is that her name gadget uh no that's that's rescue that's rescue rangers yeah you're right you're absolutely correct spin was like baloo and kit and rebecca yeah yeah i thought they were black because they were it was a caribbean vibe i'm pretty sure they were eating plantains yeah that was a big thing on tailspin the whole disney afternoon yeah all fucking plantains all plantains a rose compoyo there were some yam shows darkwing duck was a yam show yeah total yam show he had to upgrade to the chitlin circuit i don't even know what waters we're surfing in right now they're very they're very choppy yes thank you um hey should i can i double back to my couch anecdote everybody can enjoy that

nobody's nobody's getting canceled for a couch story. Never ever, baby. So I got this new couch. I would like to keep it nice. I like the couch so far. Obviously I have a cat. The cat wants to scratch the couch. I'm looking for ways to keep the cat off the couch

because I just let her destroy my old one. Don't you have to spray vinegar on it or or something yeah so they say you can spray something with a citrus scent because they don't like it oh um so just like orange juice yeah you just dump yeah dump some orange juice on the couch does it did the veterinarian say whether or not to get the pulp kind no didn't mention it i prefer the pulp kind? No, didn't mention it. I prefer the pulp kind, frankly. Pulp's nice.

A little texture. Who doesn't love a little texture? But here's the thing. I don't want the cat to be afraid of the couch. I need her to be up here sitting with me when we watch Mare of Easttown. Very important to me that she be here while we're watching mayor of east town um so yeah so i'm like well that doesn't work because i don't need her to be i don't want her to be afraid to come to the couch right so i was reading on like other ways to keep them off the couch and i was on jackson galaxy's website just jackson galaxy the um my cat from hell host. He's got a rock and roll vibe.

He's got a very early 2000s rock and roll aesthetic. Oh, cool. He's like the Criss Angel of cat training. I think someone said, get us a Fieri. We need a Fieri. Does he have one athletic armband for some reason? No, I think he has thick earrings. Got it.

And he says, you can't say no to them and you can't say their name. You have to hiss at them when they're scratching the couch. Sounds like my ex-wife. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, so I've been hissing at the cat when she's scratching the couch. Has it been working?

No. But at least I feel pathetic and weird when i'm doing it yeah isn't that why you get a cat that's true yes i know yeah to make yourself gradually more pathetic and weird until you are unrecognizable to family and friends i mean jordan a hissing human being is one of the least prestigious types of human beings right that's why you feel foolish as a human when you're hissing yes but can i suggest you reframe it because it's one of the most prestigious types of cockroach oh so i'm not i'm not a pathetic weird human but i'm i'm in kind I'm kind of an alpha roach. Yeah.

You came all the way from fucking Madagascar, dude. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'll just think of myself as a big roach. That'll help my self-esteem. A- is a loser amongst the A's, but B+, king of the B's, baby. That's true.

Yeah. King of the B's. I say you Kafka this thing, Jordan. Yeah. Go full metamorphosis. Sure. Yeah, that's right. We're sophisticated, you fucks.

Yeah. Pay no mind to the monster cock talk earlier. Nope. Barely an appetizer. We were being sarcastic. Yeah, those were just jokes. This is real. That was a parody.

Now, Jordan, I can't help but notice we're on this video conference. You look like you have made a summer transition. It was a beautiful day today in Los Angeles as we record. Not only are you wearing a handsome pastel coconut palm themed Aloha shirt. Yes. But you look like you might've gotten a new summer do. Yeah. I got the haircut. My insane, my insane quarantine hair is now gone. I did. I was able to get in one more. gone i did i was able to get in one more uh there goes the cat isn't she fun no she didn't like it that time she did react to it when i did it okay so maybe it's working maybe she's getting to where she's afraid i mean honestly who likes cockroaches go ahead

that's true um i did i was able to get in one more good What I Look Like. I did our buddy Dave Holmes' live streaming comedy show the other day, and he called me X Games legend Jordan Morris. Excellent. But yeah, man, I'm fucking doing it. I'm doing all the Vax stuff. I got a haircut. I saw a movie.

I hugged a friend. Eyes wide shut sex party. Went to Target. Have you cried yet? No, I should cry, though. I got to get that second dose cry off, man. Yeah. I went to my first casual social event. I had a couple of carefully planned social events,

like a birthday party in Ben Harrison's backyard, a couple of like carefully planned social events you know like a birthday party in ben harrison's backyard a couple of things like that uh but the other day i got an email from friend of jordan jesse go john vanderslice that said he was vaxxed up and ready to go i looked at my calendar i said you want to have lunch tomorrow i went out to lunch i felt like a fucking king look at you god bless it. Dave, how about you? How are you doing with your vax? How are you doing with vax things?

What have you done? What do you hope to do? I'm double vaxed. So, you know, I leave the house with double vax, helmet, and a condom, and I'm ready for everything. So only one condom, though. What is this, 1988? Two, of course come on man thank you that girl is poison uh no i uh yeah i'm doing good i i i'm starting to do i'm in colorado which is fully open so i'm starting to do comedy and stuff you know all the all the unimportant jobs are kind of coming back to work. What is comedy like? Is it weird?

Are people mainly doing COVID material? I haven't been to like a live performance of anything yet. So from what I've seen, everybody's kind of like, and I partially am too, unless I do an hour. Everybody's sort of like, let's just not talk about it right now. Sure. We're happy to be out let's just find a new improved sense of community with that as opposed to like talking about how we have been alienated from each other for last year for a myriad of reasons yeah i am i'm excited to see

some live performance i think it really like i'm excited for that to be the next the next step yeah i want to see some music. I didn't realize not I was like a once a month concert kind of guy. And I didn't realize how much I had gotten kind of used to that. Yeah. Same for me. But with Stomp. Oh, yeah. That first stomp back is just going to be.

Have you ever tried to supplement it with the film Stomp the Yard about HBCUs? Yeah. God. God. You know, I'll just go on YouTube and watch show bands. But, you know, it's not the same as what I really, truly love, which is people banging two metal garbage can lids together if it's the first sunday of the month and i'm not in a matinee of stomp i literally feel sick in the pit of my stomach now can i ask you a serious question is it one of those things like when people go to see carrot

top in vegas and they're like we just went for kicks we thought it was dumb but actually pretty good i don't know have you guys ever seen Stomp? I've seen both Carrot Top and Stomp. Honestly. And we've seen Gallagher, so that's the trifecta. Yeah. I would say that of those things, both Carrot Top and Stomp, fucking deliver. If you are in Vegas and don't want to sit at a poker table do either of those things that's what i've heard i saw stomp in middle school and i remember thinking it was great and but i saw it

right around the same time i saw bring into noise bring into funk like the same week that was a big week for you no just in the same era god san franciscans are so cultured thank you you saw a play yeah a child a child went to a play not what i was doing what's a child doing at a play you saw stomp i tried to steal from taco time find out it's not easy as easy at fast food restaurants stomp was good uh stomp was really good i really i really liked stomp and i bet i still would uh and bring into noise bring into funk like it is the live entertainment experience dragon that i have been chasing oh wow for the you know i think i was probably 12 when i saw stomp and 13 when i saw bringing the noise

bring into funk it was the most extraordinary live performance i've ever seen in my life was savion glover in bringing the noise yeah savion glover created it and choreographed it so once in a while when i'm like when i want to feel a little bit of that feeling again i'll just watch i'll just go on youtube and watch savion glover on like the jerry lewis telethon okay and i'll be like yeah that's it that's the thing he was the he was the hot street tapper of the 90s yeah he really had a moment man not like these mumble tappers today oh god i hate mumble tap these gen z these low energy gen z tappers take it back take it back to tiktok yeah you'll be soundcloud tappers i want to save

her some savion those are the hoodies we need to get yeah i somehow got into a very complicated explanation to my nine-year-old of who gregory hines is i don't know how that came up but she needed to know who gregory hines was and gregory hines made i mean gregory hines made a bunch of movies he did and is lovely in all of them uh but he made a movie called tap that had some tap stuff where it's just him tapping with a bunch of old dudes from the 30s and 40s and fucking was great i watched some some of it on youtube with my kid after the gregory apparently the only thing i like is tap dancing who knew that man you gotta figure out how to bring it back because i think that shit might be dead yeah but you know what i all my all my resources are focused on bringing back crumping

oof that is a taller order my friend maybe i should just focus on i should do it a little easier and focus on clown dancing you're from the bay i think you should just do a local initiative to bring back the fizzle dance i think think that's like, you've got to start in your neighborhood, you know? Right. Think globally, act locally, I think they say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. God, I have not stopped thinking about, we just talked about this on last week's program,

I believe, the yellow Camaro I saw with license plates that said 06 Hyphy. Did I bring that up? Man, that's good. That guy, he never let it die. Oh, God. Fucking Rick Rock driving around Los Angeles with the foundation and the passenger seat and a fucking yellow

Camaro. God, I love it. I love it, Jordan. Let's go to the sideshow. Let's do this. You guys should go live from a sideshow. Thank you. Jordan, thank you. Jordan, what do you think about doing some donuts, buddy? Like in a car? Yeah, that's what you do at a sideshow.

You shut down the block. Is this related to ghost riding the whip? That's another part of it. Yeah, you ghost ride the whip at the sideshow. Absolutely. Yeah. Just put somebody's car in neutral and dance around it? No, you leave it in drive, baby.

Oh, okay. Have you never done it? It's like, next time you just go to Trader Joe's, I don't know where you go. You should try it. Trader Joe's, you're right. That's correct. It's better than, it's really nice. What's nice about it, David, is all the products are own brand, but you can really trust the

Trader Joe's brand. The quality is going to be there. And if you want to try something new, it's probably going to be pretty tasty. I have the I was definitely a 90s kid theater dork because I got to see Rent. I saw Rent live with like somebody from my so-called life in it. I never watched my so-called life, but I remember that everyone I was with was very excited that someone from My So-Called Life was in the production of Rent that we were seeing. Probably Jordan Catalano,

right? I don't know anything about My So-Called Life except for the name Jordan Catalano. Yeah, me too. I mean, I think being named Jordan at the height of that show's popularity, I retained that too. Is that the show with the orphans no that's uh

that's take five what's that called no take five is the candy bar with the pretzel and you're talking about i'm talking about party of five party tuesdays 8 30 7 30 central after ali mcbeal yeah i think is what i was great night of tv party of five really asked the question what if orphans was out there fucking yeah like orphans it made me feel like horny if i have five hot kids i can leave they're gonna do okay yeah exactly i can i can leave these hot kids those are those you gotta stick with yeah i, I saw a phantom of the opera like four times because of arts high school. Like they just give you tickets to things. You know how there's like shows like the big theater in town will do like

school shows. Oh, like a matinee once a week for underprivileged children. And as an underprivileged child through both the boys and girls club and the high school got to go see phantom of the opera a lot and i hated it every time i hated it so much were you okay this is gonna you're gonna crack something for me you were a boys and girls club kid right for sure this is my mind was a boys club so shout out to columbia park boys club it is now a boys and girls club but uh it used to be restricted did they because i also went to a disadvantaged boys and girls club for a while

did they ever do you remember dudes coming with a bunch of mountain dew in a hummer and then like kick flipping over a tower of mountain dew and then giving a bunch of sugary soda to poor kids that sounds fucking amazing i mean we've talked about it on jordan jesse go i did once win a case of diet seven up wait diet cherry seven up yeah because they stole it from the hospital in a case of carnation instant breakfast because i finished second in the costume contest what no i mean the main things wait wait the main things what did first get in the costume contest i don't know but that fucker look regular seven up runner up runner up gets the diet first place gets full calorie this is well-worn territory but that fucking asshole just wore his dad's policeman uniform i'm like that's not even a fucking costume

that's just your dad's fucking work clothes you were apollonia yeah that's when i that's when i learned a cab you know yeah yeah right you're gonna learn it sooner or later a all cops children are bastards it's two c's in the middle one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen regarding handing kids soda um my old action sports job i had to work at um i had to work at various like soda branded events uh so i i worked at the dew tour for a while the stops of the mountain dew like skateboarding tour and they would not allow other sodas to be on premises it's do or nothing you know they they paid for the space so if you're not do or don't do or don't i guess i could have i could have worked i could work no

even no water they wouldn't even allow water it was you had to only drink mountain dew people were passing out from dehydration water was not allowed no you could you could drink water okay i was joking only salt water though it was mountain dew or contact solution that's all you could drink. Baby, we were livid. So, but like, because they knew that there was this stream of kids, other brands would hang out around the place to like get the kids on the way out. Like a 19th century racetrack?

Yeah, kind of. And then- What other brands? Okay, so so like I remember so this happened I was coming out of the Dew Tour and there was like a Coke Zero Hummer like handing out 12 packs of

Coke Zero to all these little scumbags coming out of the skateboarding thing and I remember like seeing them all getting these 12 packs and then walking a little bit further and three of them were just taking out the cans and overhand

tossing them onto the freeway. Fuck. Which is probably, I mean, maybe someone died, but also I'm like I love the young scumbags just instinct to be destructive. What else would you do?

I mean, could you attach it to some kind of firecracker that's the only thing i can think right yeah did somebody's big brother come back from mexico with m80s la bomba i feel like my life was forever changed when i was eight years old fourth of july at the marina in san francisco they passed out smart food brand cheese popcorn when that smart food brand cheese popcorn was a new product look this is a whole category now okay black bag yeah i'm talking about that black bag looking 1990 as fuck like a fucking like tony tony tony on arsenio level 1990 shit that cheese popcorn blew exploded my i'm like this is the greatest thing since nacho cheese doritos got cheesier dude you know what's so fucking crazy about you saying that can i drop a little podcast goss right now please can i get you some hot goss heat it up

this morning we just drafted gas station food and i took smart food white cheddar wow hot not 12 hours ago wow that's a thrill yeah to have that kind of synchronicity jordan come on i can't believe it came up again did you fuck up other people's brackets by choosing that i mean no no no they weren't going to pick it but it was for me you know it was important it was big did you get any other good picks on your program we should explain you have a fantasy draft for uh things that aren't sports um and uh so in this case gas station foods what else did you take home oh i think i got slurpees i got i got the cappuccino machine what else did i get the whole fucking machine huh oh i used to make coffee suicides in the

morning when i worked at low whoa that's a whole other life. Did you have a coffee suicide recipe or did you just freestyle it? No way, baby. Yeah, it's half cappuccino, half orange soda. Yeah. And then I topped it off with non-dairy creamer. And then you just take the take a penny, leave a penny tray,

dump it right in. You call that a rinse. I stopped at a convenience store this week i was driving my car by myself i saw a look i'm not afraid to brand market here i saw a 7-eleven i live in a pretty ritzy neighborhood okay it's not just a stop and shop or whatever we had a 7-eleven there and uh i stopped at that 7-eleven i went in and got myself a kid-sized slurpee and i'm not afraid to say it but i combined coke and cherry i made myself a little cherry coke right there in a kid-sized cup i i

felt tremendous wait jesse can you do that i just did it baby can you do that? I just did it, baby. Can you do that? I'm sorry, Jordan. What? The rules don't apply to me. Can you? Not when I'm doing the do, which is what I call combining the Coke and Jerry Slurpee. I had a real moment with Go-go taquitos i feel like the first my first like year of living in la i will always associate with like being super into go-go taquitos um i mean before that i've a lot of people who are gen z and listen to this show they won't know but before that there were

only stationary taquitos right exactly it was a revolutionary food i do wonder were people really fucking with taquitos like that in a major way before 7-eleven or did they put them on the map i mean i know mexican restaurants have always had flautas but i don't feel like that's like that popular you know i mean i'll eat a flauta but they give you more than one and by the time you've eaten a whole flauta, your stomach is so fucking busted up. Right. That's the end of the game. Like one flauta. Yeah.

I don't know how much a part of like traditional Mexican cooking they are, but I think they have been sufficiently like co-opted by 7-Eleven and like Giant Box from Costco I think that is now like I don't know if you're going into a lot of Mexican restaurants yeah they're now a traditional corn dog food sure yeah David your specific question here was whether people were fucking with them in a major way yes that is I mean I know E-40 was with emin in a major way because his album in a major way is all taquito stuff i was gonna say it's it's he's making taquitos on the cover if you look inside that roll yes there's a bonus track about chimichangas but you know you got to wait till the last track is over and then hit fast forward and hold it down yeah like that secret like that secret fuji's

track where they were the chinese food restaurant you guys remember that yeah i will i will forever associate that with mother 93 by dancing because i bought that album i bought that album when i was i guess i was 11 or 12 and uh i bought that album because the mother video was in heavy rotation on mtv and i really fucked with it i was like this is this is it right here i mean i'm a heavy metal guy now i love mother by danzig and i listened to the album i was like i hate this i hate everything on this except for mother and it was track 93 so i just had to sit there with my little boombox, pressing the forward button until I got to track 93. Oh, yeah. They made you work for it back then.

Not like these lazy Gen Zers just making TikToks with Savion Glover. Yeah. Dancing around to Ra Ra Rasputin. Oh, are you talking about the Boney M song? Yes, I am. Cool. Who would go on to create Milli Vanilli? That's something I know.

I'm a man. I'm telling you things I know. I learned something. I'm a man who knows something. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, every episode of Jordan, Jesse, go is brought to you by you, the members of Maximum Fund. We just had over 20,000 people join and upgrade and boost their memberships during the Max Fund Drive. We're grateful to every single one of you, as well as to everyone who has maintained their membership

through this tough year and tough time. We're grateful that we've been able to rely on you, as we hope you have been able to rely on you as we hope you have been able to rely on us. So thank you to every single one of you. We're also this week supported by our friends at Lifespan Fitness. Lifespan Fitness make your office help you work and feel better with under desk treadmills and exercise bikes. Jordan, they sent me one of these. Oh, tell me all about it. I'm curious.

What's your lifespan life been like? It came in a giant box. I had them send it to the office. I've been going into the office once in a while. I get about four hours a week of work done there in the office. They sent it to the office our uh office our office administrator kt signed for it set it up in my desk i've been i've been walking while i type and click at first you're like i'm never gonna get used to this then you're like i'm never gonna stop doing this i love this get yourself a little computer riser and you're in business. Click, click.

You're feeling, how are your calves? How are your quads? Sorry, Jordan. I got to go to the bathroom real quick. Do you mind just vamping for a minute? Oh, you know what? There's somebody else here. I'll just let them.

Hello, Jordan. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. It's me wow i love to go for it's dr it's dr anthony fauci call me tony of the washington senators yeah sure okay i play for the washington senators with mr harman killabrew it's been a while buddy it's been a while, buddy. It's been a while. How have you been? How's the family? It's true. How's the... Me and the killer, Harmon Killigrew, smashing home runs in Griffith Stadium in Washington, D.C. Beautiful.

So, Dr. Fauci, have you heard about Lifespan? I know you're an expert of, know i guess infectious diseases but maybe just health in general is kind of your thing have you have you heard of lifespan apparently it helps people go on little walks can i tell you something there's nothing i love more than taking a little walk and if i can click click click while i take a little walk i'm in heaven jordan that's the same way i feel as when me and frank Frank Howard hit three home runs for the Washington Senators combined in one ball game. This is like in the early 60s before we moved to Minnesota. Then of course, Rod Carew joined the team. These are surely memories that you

actually have. First in war, first in peace, last in the American League. What can I say? Dr. Anthony Fauci, home run smasher, Washington senators, on behalf, of course, of my friends at Lifespan Fitness. Get one of these little walkers to put under your chair. So you recommend it. It's something that you endorse. It's something that I, a real guy and not just some guy doing a voice, but a genuine

expert who went to a real medical college recommend, which is Lifespan Fitness. I love using it at the office at the, and in my office in Washington, D.C. at Griffith Stadium. in my office in Washington, D.C. at Griffith Stadium. And so, Dr. Fauci, is there, if people want to get Lifespan, how would they do it? Is there a special offer they could take advantage of? Lifespan's the best way to hit a home run.

I'm speaking, of course, sexually. Visit Lifespan Fitness. I don't think Lifespan makes any kind of sexual claims. Improved circulation. Visit LifespanFitness.com. Use code JJGO at checkout for 5% off. That's LifespanFitness.com. Code JJGO. And, of course, tell them that Dr. Anthony Fauci from the Washington Senators sent you.

You know, Jordan, I recently dropped a ball from the top of the Washington Monument, and you'll never believe who caught it. Mr. Babe Ruth. Wow, that sounds like a real story. I bet that actually happened. The newspapermen covered it at the time. Amazing, Just amazing. Ringwadner wrote about it.

It later became the basis of the novel You Know Me, Al. Terrific. Well, it's always nice when you drop by infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci and share some real memories that you certainly have that aren't just weird

hallucinations. By the way, if my voice sounds different, it's only because I haven't spoken in months. Right, yes. It sounds a little different. You were at that silent meditation retreat with Jared Leto. I used to sound more like Fran Drescher

than for a while. I sounded a little bit like the guys from Oh Hello, but now it's sort of I sound like my friend Jesse with a higher voice. Yeah, well, that's great. You're just, you're a chameleon. It's always great to see

or hear what you're going to sound like next. Yeah, and definitely all of our listeners, all of your listeners enjoy hearing me unequivocally across the board universally popular what will you sound like

next time you appear I don't know who knows depends where I'm walking perhaps it'll be here visit Lifespan.com use code JJGO we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, the beanie baby. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm David Borey,ah jizz wow wow before we started this segment david borey bragged about how good his nickname was gonna be we all said well you know you'd show us the money david borey just brought it home david borey takes care of everybody yeah oh no everybody is you there's so many levels to it though keep thinking about it it's a guy whose first name is utah and his last name is jizz yeah i will i immediately pictured somebody swaggering into a saloon oh i like that see i had the opposite i imagine a guy buttoned down suit he doesn't get the joke

but he laughs he's like it's a family name dave if you're utah jizz can i be milwaukee fucks well you can now yes i was gonna say oldenonese, but that works better for you. Yeah. Milwaukee Bucks is good. That's a little Milwaukee Bucks joke. Yeah. Utah Jizz. Just run it around. Hell yeah. It's always good.

Because Utah is a funny name. It is. It's like a very funny, but also strong first name. And then Jizz. I mean, we all get. Come on. Guys. Guys.

Can I be Toronto Sex Raptors? Sure. Drake's favorite team. You should be the Dallas Aslicks. Okay. I'm a millennial. Guys, I'll be honest. These are getting worse.

You're right. I don't know. I kind of thought rule of threes. We should go out on a high note with the Toronto Sex Raptors. You're right. I blew it. Jesse, Toronto Faptors is right there. You can do the same thing.

Jordan, we don't all... I think you have an overdeveloped muscle. You know how like there are guys that work out and they don't do it for health and they end up with imbalanced bodies because one of their muscles becomes too powerful? Oh, yeah. That's how they got Judge Judy. Yeah. Wait. What?

She was working out her justice muscle. Yeah. Right. I think, Jordan, your years of writing headline jokes on At Midnight has led you to be able to provide an endless supply of fuck puns on basketball teams. Sure, it kind of sounds like something else, yeah. Okay, listen. On Jordan, Jesse, go. We asked you to tell us what you found on your farm

and look most of you just found pornos it's fine look there's there's pornos out there you know the those sexy ranch hands need to get off somehow they don't they don't have time to go into town most of porno comes from somewhere jesse they grow it on a farm yes the heartland that's what makes it the heartland i like mine organic i buy my porno from the guy at the farmer's market yes yeah he's like you know it's not pretty but i made it myself yeah a regular pornography we know we know where it came from that's where i buy my pornography and my reggae CDs. Yeah. I don't know the difference between those two terms.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Sorry. Press play, Brian, on something somebody found on a fucking farm. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and lovely guests. This is Chris from Dayton calling in for I guess your now regular segment, Stuff I Found on a fucking farm hey jordan jesse and lovely guests this is chris from dayton calling in for i guess you're now regular segment stuff i found on the farm anyway you guys said you wanted

to hear about some skeletons so i figured i'd tell you about the time i found my grandma's pet collection which is just a shoebox full of animal skulls that she found on her farm that box had i'm pretty sure a raccoon a possum cat snake and i think some others i can't remember anyway sorry it's not human skeletons but she did have a gravestone in her basement so you never know thanks bye i kind of feel like human skeletons would be good but i i do kind of hear want to hear about a woolly mammoth wait yeah i'm confused so he found that tombstone was also in the basement with the bones yeah yeah that was one of those things where i'm like oh he's like oh i'll get a i'll get a laugh by tossing off this crazy thing at the end but also i would like some more information on like

maybe she hadn't buried it yet because she was too bereaved. What did she want on her tombstone? Pepperoni? Sure. Thanks, folks. Yeah. New York City. I want Val Kilmer. Yeah. Now we're talking from the movie Tombstone. I want Huckleberry. Wyatt Earp.

Yes. I also, I think the detail of this that I'm wondering if it's real or if it's for comedy, did grandma actually consider the skulls to be pets if so that is so fucking sinister or did she keep raccoons as pets right like were these the skulls of what had once been her living pets right were these old pets that she saved the skulls from because like saving skulls i could see doing that because you think skulls are cool. Plus, what if she lived through the Depression and she doesn't want to throw away a perfectly good skull?

Of course, yeah. Those are soup bones. Yeah. Right. You take the salt and pepper packets from the restaurant, you save your skulls in a shoebox. You ever read the book Soup from a Stone? Right.

Skull soup. Yeah. Yeah, but if grandma thought that the skulls were pets, that's, yeah, that's terrifying. Let's take another call and find out what someone else found on a farm. Hello, Brian, Jordan, Jesse, and unknown guest. This is Sam in Seattle.

Just calling in with a couple of items. I work in a recording studio on a farm. We were recently going through the storage. Pause this Brian. He said, this guy works in on, in a recording studio on a farm in Seattle. I guess so.

Yeah. You know what he's recording? Farmers market reggae CDs. Right. You mean pornos? 100%. And yeah. You know what he's recording? Farmers Market reggae CDs. Right. You mean pornos. 100%. And yeah. Fucking farm recording studio in Seattle?

I bet this is, yeah, I can kind of picture this. I bet it's, you know, we're like a. Oh, I can picture it. We're like a Waxahachie goes to record an album, you know? Calexico is there Calexico absolutely They have a lot of Tillamook cheeses Yeah

Shove in some Tillamook Play a banjo Cram some muck Tillamook sponsor Jordan Jesse Go we need you baby Have you guys got the Tillamook hook I would love to get-muck hook? I would love to get the muck hook.

Oh, my God. That felt like something I shouldn't say. Like, I don't think it means anything bad. It felt like you were talking about Peaceful from Eastern Europe to me. Yeah. Did you see all these muck hooks

on Eurovision? I don't want my daughter to date one yeah okay sorry brian i i messed up the call i just was trying to think about this seattle thing i was just working through that i work in a recording studio on a farm we were recently going through the storage area and we found safety copies of the master tapes for a Ringo Starr album. We're really not sure how they got there because it was not done at this studio, and no one who worked on it works at this studio. I also found part of a deer skeleton on the farm. I sent a picture of that. And on the subject of fun names for common things, I just learned that my three-and-a-half-year-old son refers to his earwax as belly button food because he picks it and feeds it to his belly button anyway bye so i don't think that third thing

was something that is on our show previously but it is worth leaving into that call yeah that was my favorite part like normally i'd say stay on topic keep it tight but if you're picking your earwax and feeding it to your belly button that's pretty good yeah i'm all for it i really i like what that kid's been doing yeah doing good work you know if you keep if you keep doing the work if you every day you show up you do the work you feed the belly button you're gonna succeed exactly that's how kevin durant did it peace and love peace and love yeah as ringo star would say ringo thing is bonkers i don't understand yes it was like this guy could sell that was it always a recording studio that'd be great if it wasn't the recording studios very recently, but for some reason, someone hit a Ringo Starmaster out there.

It used to be a general store that sold feed, seed, and Ringo Starmaster tapes. Test pressings. Yeah. That'd be great if it was just part of the farm porno stash. You're like, hey, some guys like Perfect Ten. Some guys like cranking it to demos of Octopus's Garden. Yeah, what the dang? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica.

Somewhere between science and superstition, there is a podcast. Look, your daughter doesn't say she's a demon. She says she's the devil himself. That thing is not my daughter. And I want you to tell me there's a show where the hosts don't just report on French science and spirituality, but take part themselves.

Well, there is. And it's Ono, Ross Ross and Carrie on Maximum Fun. This year, we actually became certified exorcists. So yes, Carrie and I can help your daughter. Or we can just talk about it on the show. Oh No Ross and Carrie on MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la la la la la la la Hi, it's me, Dave Hill, from before.

Here to tell you about my brand new show on Maximum Fun, the Dave Hill Good Time Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show, Dave Hill's podcasting incident, with my old radio show, the goddamn Dave Hill Show, into one new futuristic program from the future. If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests,

technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real life listeners, you've just hit a street called easy. I'm also joined by my incredible co-host, the boy criminal, Chris Gersbeck. Say hi, Chris. Hey, Dave. It's really great to- That's enough, Chris.

And New Jersey chicken rancher, Des. Say hi, Des. Hey, Dave. The Dave Hill Good Time Hour. Brand new episodes every Friday on Maximum Fun. Plus, the show's not even an hour. It's 90 minutes. Take that, stupid rules.

We nailed it. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Vagabond Jamison, attorney at law. Fuck. Wow. God damn it.

Because I was sitting here like, Utah Jizz is good, but there's no way he'll top it. Yeah, that's what they all thought. But then he did. Yeah. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call at 206-984-4FUN or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. Here is one such call. Hey, JJ Goe. This is Matt Ithaca.

I'm driving home from teaching today. It's a very warm day here. A very loud Crown Victoria X cop car comes rattling down the left lane. And on the back of it was a sticker that said, Booty Patrol. And I was like, damn, that is a sweet ride. And I approached the stop line. And I was approaching next to the driver of this car, and and I look over and it's one of my former students. I couldn't have been more proud. The youth of America getting it done.

Booty Patrol 2021. That's why you do it. Yeah. You know what I mean? For the Booty Patrol. Yeah. I mean, it's one of the hardest jobs you will ever love, being in the booty patrol. Right.

And your teachers will all be proud of you for doing it. A lot of people say it's not on you, it's in you. You know what I mean? You got to be. Right. It's more of a calling. You're right. Most booty patrols are legacy booty patrol.

You know what I mean? That's true. It runs in families. Yeah. There's a lot of nepotism in that industry. Oh, in the booty patrol? Come on, man. Yeah, there's a lot of nepotism in that industry. Oh, the Booty Patrol? Come on, man. Yeah.

Give me. But you get that good pension. I understand why people- No, I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always associated Crown Victorias with some guys that lived on my block when I was a teenager and called me a lot of slurs. when I was a teenager and called me a lot of slurs. But recently, I saw a lifted Crown Victoria,

like super high up, giant off-road tires, Crown Victoria. Oh, yeah, a donk, yeah. No, it was not a donk. Thank you very much for making that distinction. Donks, as we know from this program, from when I was very interested in miniature donkeys are also are also a genre of uh of large rimmed raised uh mid this particularly mid to late 1980s uh early 1990s american sedans uh with particular paint jobs and so on and so forth but in this case it was what they call a battle car which is like it's like primered out with giant tires and

like uh you know uh roll bars and stuff like that and fog lamps uh and i basically i saw that crown victoria with giant knobby tires fucking rc pro m2 style and uh i was ready to change my entire lifestyle and build it around this crown victoria that's all i got on that subject um brian let's take one more momentous occasion call and then we'll do one more segment after that but go ahead and play a momentous occasion call uh hi this is low and lily lily works here at uh bookery in manchester new hampshire uh it's a lovely place to get coffee and books and uh i'm low i just or pre-ordered uh bubble um and i can't wait to get it and And also, Lily is awesome. Thank you. And a big fan. Yeah, we're both big fans of the show.

And when I was checking out, Lily was just like, oh, my God, I'm a Jordan Morris. And so we're both big Jordan fans. Yeah, we are, and Jessie fans. I mean, yeah, that too. Also, do we want to, like, say something about Boggs the cat? Oh, I don't know. I got nothing. We didn't rehearse this.

We did not rehearse this. Sorry. All right. We love you guys. George, Jesse, Set and Dee. This is super awkward. I, like, sort of pressured her into this. So it's COVID, man.

We don't remember how to interact with humans. Nope. Okay, cool. All right. Anything else? Bye. Bye. Are we good with that?

Yeah. Okay, cool. Sorry you were kind of an afterthought in that one brian yeah i mean i listen uh i mean obviously like on the surface what a great call and it's it's you know they're pre-ordering the book which i i love to hear about pre-ordering the book from an indie bookstore it's a great feeling um you know obviously there's some great like friendship energy like going on in this call really nice it's you know just a lot of fun but there's something kind of like nagging at me and it's like i just don't think a jordan jesse go listener would work at a bookstore you know yeah i understand this i mean i want to love

this call but there's something you know it's like when you see it doesn't make sense somebody the other day told me they called me up on the phone they said they needed my social security number my bank routing number my account number and they needed it because they were such big jordan jesse go fans right and i said that's interesting that all of that makes sense i said what do you do for a living they said i'm a graphic designer and i said no no no this is a scam this is not adding up graphic designers don't listen to our show they also buy cash for gold to be fair yeah that's true that's true that's and that's great for me because i have so much gold but i need cash i know what were their names those two low

and what was the other name i forgot i'm sorry yeah sarah let's go say sarah okay sarah and low i think when all this is over you guys should buy a dog together yes i agree get yourselves a nice donk what's the one of those ones book bookly they should get a they should get a bookstore themed donk that's what's up i was gonna suggest a trick cereal themed donk but i think a bookstore themed donk is even better that's how i know you're from the bay area maybe penguin classics that's a very specific thing that i've only heard i've only heard of tricks themed cars in the bay area i don't understand it is there was a time when all our cars were trick cereal themed and all our 18 year old and all our 18 year old cool guys had tiny spongebob backpacks i don't know what it was about but it was real i seen it with my own

eyes that shit was on the street yeah i'll vouch for it yeah cars the western edition was full of almost grown men wearing tiny spongebob backpacks i know that having lived in the inner richmond it was right around the time of the, of the, of people riding around on those miniature motorcycles all the time. God, that was awful. Yeah. Filipinos with rat tails. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. So we've identified a few things. Let's take one final call. Just so you know, David, we're really creative and have a lot of recurring segments that we put a lot

of work into. And so we just have people call in because there are so many beloved recurring segments we have them let us know what segment they're calling in for at the beginning and then they just they let us know about one that we definitely invented and deserve credit for

I'm excited Hello Jordan Jesse and guest this is Sean from Syrac from syria pronouns they them calling in with a entry for your popular segment accidental therapist where i once had a job at a school where my office was right across the hall from a pre-K classroom, and there was a notoriously ill-behaved little girl who would call her teacher a fucking bitch and a bite. bite. One day I was at the local gas station getting some snackies and the cashier noticed my badge that I worked at the school asked me about it. I said that yeah, my office is

across from the pre-k and it's kind of cute because I hear them running around and playing all day. And she goes, oh, you must know my daughter. I was like, I don't know. I don't really talk to the kids. And she said, oh, no, you know my daughter. To which I excitedly said, oh, my God, is she the biter? And the woman immediately burst into tears, and I spent the rest of my lunch break

immediately burst into tears and i spent the rest of my lunch break uh consoling her and finding a child therapist with her for her child so that was that day oh i gotta say at first i thought they were a jerk but now i think they're pretty sweet yeah they're doing their thing i i'm gonna be honest with you i was on their team a thousand percent as soon as they said they were getting some snackies i saw it in your face we all listen we all contain multitudes i like to imagine they had the bugles on every finger while they were doing the oh yeah now we're talking can i tell you guys something that happened to me with a therapist just this past week? So my wife and I have been seeing a sort of family therapist, you know, not my regular therapist. And we've only been seeing her since COVID.

So we've only seen her virtually. And not to brag, but I have a gargantuan computer monitor. And so I just get a giant picture of her kindly face in my computer monitor. And she's an extraordinary therapist. Her name's Kellyanne. Shout out to Kellyanne. Really helped our family a lot. really helped our family a lot uh just casually in conversation this week she mentioned she's four feet ten inches tall and it blew my fucking mind i she she changed sizes so hard and fast inside my brain really it i i had her pegged as five nine i was like this is a medium to tall woman so much so that when i said to my wife i was like i found out how tall kelly ann is you want to guess my wife said she's really tall isn't she nope super small lady okay i think this is what i think guys you know how they give people

mushrooms to make them stop being depressed i think do i this psychedelic experience when you say they who's giving out mushrooms like universities and shit they're studying that shit yeah magic mushrooms for depression. So I should just go hang around a university and talk about how I'm bummed? You should come hang out the University of Psilocybin. That's what. Yeah. I think that the psychedelic experience of her changing sizes so hard and fast inside my brain is going to cure my depression.

Wow. Wow. That's exciting later for you lamictal i have finding out that someone on zoom is a dramatically different size than i'd assumed i love odd sizes 206-9844-FUN or jjgoe at maximumfun.org if you want to call into one of our long-running segments or a momentous occasion or whatever the fuck uh and you should buy bubble like those people did look at that they made a they made a lifelong friendship those two are buying a dong together listen there's a lot of ways to pre-order bubble you can

listen we're not going to yell at you if you want to use e-commerce or a chain store everybody you know shops the way they want to you got to look for a bargain i get it but if you go into a local indie bookstore you might make a friend for life you end up leaving your life with to pursue some sort of cross-country donk trip hashtag don't take my word for it i'm also a customer jordan yeah i know that we're pushing indie bookstores for buying bubble but the best way to buy bubble is probably at walden books right right yes walden books or uh electronics boutique suncoast video head on yeah head out to head out to sam goody goody got it where the warehouse Where the warehouse?

Yes. For Bubble. So many places. So many defunct mall stores you can get Bubble at. That place that only sold Australian stuff? Sure. Good day. Where's Julius?

Here's Bubble for you. Yeah. Go to your local Julius, orange or otherwise. Look, I don't even see Julius colors. So brave. I passed colors. So brave. I'm past it. So brave. 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, old kentucky terp local nation what are those what are those sensuous sounds i hear oh it's the local lethario come to fuck all our wives is kentucky turpentine like us an us an a second tier nationally syndicated sports talk radio host oh yeah nation yeah that's what we cover uh we cover post preps we cover all the high school middle schools rumblings of the eighth grades if you're looking for oklahoma school boy sports sixth to seventh grade we got it

kt nation did you in denver in the in the denver colorado the greater denver colorado area where you where you're from david, where you are right now. Was there prep sports like on the local TV news and stuff? A little bit on the news, but more so in the paper. And yeah, we wanted to get mentioned. Everybody wanted to get mentioned. I think I maybe got my name like like, in a box score from a –

but nothing, like – there was never anything written specifically. Because, like, every week they would do, like, a roundup, and we had a kid on our team named Joe Gibb, which is also a football coach, and they were like, Joe Gibb doesn't hop into a Ferrari after every game, but he did receive for 120 yards last week, and that was about as good as it got for us. Yeah.

At school of the arts in San Francisco, every one of the articles about our football team was about this one kid whose name was Barry Gibb. Yeah. They'd say school of the arts. Dragons stayed alive again this week. Thanks to the efforts of Barry Gibb. I love it.

Say football game was great. the dragons had saturday night fever oh i love it man i want to get involved in the local high school team now just be like a friend of the program like you know what i mean getting these kids haircuts yeah you gotta get these kids haircuts send them to phantom of the opera baby they want to go on dates they don't have any money they're spending all their time playing football i put a little money in their pockets you know is that you know what these kids need ncaa you know what these kids need number one they need a little money in their pockets for a haircut oh yeah number two they need tickets to phantom of the opera number three they're gonna need a case of coke zeros

sure hurl onto the freeway. I got a guy down at the Boys and Girls Club. He gets him a cost. Let me ask you this, David, about the Boys and Girls Club in your neighborhood as a kid. Yes, sir. It's the first place I saw a gun. Did you ever polish any plastic? Wait, what?

Did you ever polish any plastic? No, I did not. You didn't do any buffing no that's like a top plastics was one of the top activities they'd give you a piece of acrylic in the shape of a birdie or whatever and you'd take it out on a buffing wheel and you'd buff it down that was what we were doing at the boys club baby columbia park 16th and guerrero baby maybe it was different because they had girls in my club yeah they won't let you buff yeah it would be sexual harassment you can't buff in mixed company that was actually that was the first foxworthy album that crossed over

they won't let you buff you know you're buffing if i wish I knew more about buffing to finish that. David Borey, our listeners can find you with Sean Jordan and Ian Carmel and various other fun and hilarious personages on the All Fantasy Everything podcast. Very, very, very funny podcast. One of the funniest. We got to have you on to draft obscure Bay Area rap songs area rap songs yeah thank you we're not just it's

not just bammer weed here we're going deeper it's not it's not just the play is club we're talking about i get around it's the second symbol on the rap and forte album we're talking about can you feel me drew down yeah it's all drew down material we're talking about 187 you need a witness and a murder weapon imp ill-mannered players god has amazing hair it's the best hair that there is i'll take your word for it it's one time dj quick on bullseye told me that people you had dj i didn't know you guys had dj quick on bullseye do you say that people go to see drew down shows just because they hope they could touch his hair that's the main reason i would do that's the truth okay

everybody google drew down's hair you'll know what the fuck we're talking about uh what else is going on for you david borory we can see you in local denver area stand-up comedy performance venues yeah uh i was on that show chad i was on an episode of that i'm around man i just uh you know google me i try not to i'm not on social media too much as you know my brain i don't want it to melt but you know i'm I'm, I'm around doing stuff, man. I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, it's not a big deal. He's around. If you're look around, if he's there, pay attention. Break out or be clowned. I get around. Uh, yeah. You know, he's around like rap and foe over there. Ragtop records.

I like a glove. Me and my homies. Yeah. Okay. David Borey. That's aorey, silent G, G-B-O-R-I-E. Find him on the internet. Find him doing standup comedy in Denver, Colorado, soon to be in Los Angeles, California when he returns, should he return. Find him on all fantasy everything. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

Our thanks to both of them you can find us on social medias uh on twitter at jordan underscore morris at jesse thorn uh you can find us on twitter with the hashtag jj go say what you thought about this week's show as long as it is not negative if it's negative don't say it just keep it to yourself uh you can find us on reddit if it's negative go on the all fantasy everything subreddit they don't really take much negativity over there maximumfund.reddit.com is uh the place to chat about this week's program you can also like us on facebook lately as you as technology permitting, we have been live streaming the video of these video conferences.

David Borey doing some fucking moves for the end of the program for the folks watching on Facebook. I call that the Stevie Nicks. The only way to catch it is on Facebook right now. We'll see. Maybe we'll start a Twitch channel and Jordan will start speed running Sekiro.

Is that what it's called? Sekiro, Jordan? I don't know if I could. I could probably speed run it. Yeah, I think you could. If you boned up a little bit, you maybe boned down a little bit. How fast can I defeat the headless guardian ape? Oh, shit.

We'll see. I mean, pretty fast. That guy doesn't even have a fucking head already. That's true. I mean, he can't see you. I mean, pretty fast. That guy doesn't even have a fucking head already. That's true. I mean, he can't see you. He can't smell anything. Not to mention the headless guardian ape's mate. Oh, wow.

What does it mate with? Jeremy. Another guardian ape. Okay, but this is one with a head. It has a head, yes. Yes. Is headlessness recessive or dominant in Guardian Apes? I think if your dad was bald, you'll be headless.

Yeah, that's how it works. It's on the, it's attached to the X chromosome. Your mom's dad. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Go. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.