Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 69: The Mighty Mississip'

Episode Date: August 3, 2008

Jesse, Jordan and guest Adam Lisagor talk to a guy floating the Mississippi, hear some amazing momentous occaisions, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, Jesse, go.

We take a trip down the mighty Mississippi. Jordan sings a song. Keith Sweat tarnishes his legacy and much, much more. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us today, a very special guest.

A man who needs no introduction, but who I will introduce nonetheless. A certain Adam Lissagor. Adam, welcome to the program. Thanks, Jesse. It's nice to be here. Hi, Jordan. It's a pleasure. It's a joy to have you here. It is a delight to have you here. It's a dream come true for me. I'm a big fan. Adam is one-third of the Never Not Funny You Look Nice Today podcast. You Look Nice Today podcast.

I'm getting my chatty podcasts confused. Yeah, there's only three. Jordan, Jesse Go, Never Not Funny, You Look Nice Today. And two of the three are here. Yeah, I think iTunes stopped putting them up at three. Well, we'll have three. That's 66th percentile. Sure. That's a D minus.

You know what, though? Stop podcasting yourself. You turned me on to that because you mentioned it in the last thing. I still haven't actually listened to it. Oh, it's actually good. You should be able to listen. Everybody on the message board is crazy about it, except they say there's too much Canadian stuff in there.

Oh, yeah, there is. So they don't really count as three chatty guys. They mostly just talk about Degrassi Jr. High or something? Yeah, Degrassi and Square Pegs. Oh, Square Pegs. I think that was Canadian, right? That's an American show. It's got Sarah Jessica Parker on it.

You know, actually, I was actually interviewed on Canadian college radio recently. Really? I was. I'm kind of jealous about this. You mentioned this to me in passing on the phone yesterday, and I felt a twinge of jealousy. That they didn't ask you? Yeah, well, I'm on Jordan Jesse Go, too. Sure.

But, yeah, come on. You get all kinds of interviews. Don't even... I was getting interviewed for a little periodical called The New York Times just a moment ago. Sure. So... It's no Canadian college radio. Let me have this Canadian college radio.

What did they ask you about on Canadian college radio? You know, just like, just Jordan Jesse Go and if it, you know, and how it pertains to my kind of larger entertainment career. How does it? Not at all. Yeah. Not in the least. But they told me that the most popular Canadian film up until the release of the Trailer Park Boys movie.

Trailer Park Boys is kind of a... Popular sitcom in Canada. Yeah, kind of an office- like sitcom about some kind of dirtbag trailer park guys anyways they made a movie of it but up until then the most popular movie was a um was a french slash english hybrid movie both languages were in the movie called good cop bond cop that was the most popular Canadian movie. The most popular Canadian movie was just My Stepfather the Hero dubbed into Canadian. They just had Gerard Depardieu.

You're thinking My Father the Hero. Oh, is that what it was called? I was thinking of these Gerard Depardieu adventures, certainly. Sure. What with the water skiing. The reason it was so popular, Jordan, in Canada was that you hadn't the water skiing the reason it was so popular jordan in canada was they hadn't seen water skiing before so it was a real revelation it was like the when they went to the first lantern shows flicker shows they called them they saw a horse running or

something like that right and they couldn't believe to see it on the screen that's how canadians felt about seeing water skiing portrayed for the first time. They couldn't believe that a man wouldn't fall through the water. But they have water sports up there, don't they? Oh, they've got a lot of water sports up there. But not any that involve surface tension. If you ask me, the national

sport of Canada is water sports. It's mostly sports played below the water, like a spear gun fight. That's very popular up there that's what that's the most dangerous game in canada spear gun fight it's not something it's not something they do so much uh sort of like sportingly as gladiatorially sure you know they'll put that they got they got these underwater stadia You know what I'm saying Like a coliseum underwater

It's mostly to settle disputes over livestock And signage Now that we've learned a lot about Canada Anyway we got a lot of cool stuff coming up on this week's program Man Alive We're going to talk to me and Jordan's college buddy Max He's riding down the length of the Mississippi in some sort of raft. You know, shit like that. Yeah.

It's basic shit. And of course, some donk stuff. Same shit, different day. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, make that oh it's a round oh but you're not you're not letting me do the old trope of uh saying my my first name it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective adam the faggot oh nice how about that how do you like that now all right you're that's what you get for complaining let's do it again adam the faggot lissagor no i started okay this is the this is what this segment is about here it's not about me using slurs that i don't even really believe in on adam this is about the fact that jordan and i have a great college buddy his name is max livingston real name by the way not a porn not a porno not a porn name not a name that he was issued issued at the Abercrombie & Fitch of the 1920s along with his safari suit.

He is a real man. And for some reason that I certainly don't understand, he's decided to spend his summer on a raft on the Mississippi. The Mississippi. Are you familiar with the Mississippi, Jordan? Well, I'm familiar with the old Muddy. Yeah, sure. No, same story. That's the only river I'm familiar with.

Yeah, I mean, he's going to pass through the Queen City and the whole nine yards. Max Livingston. And this is all on the internet. Yeah, and he's putting the whole thing on the Big River show, which is his internet website show. That's what they're called. I don't follow the internet very closely, Jordan. I don't know what

Twitter is, for example. Max, welcome to the program. Thanks so much, guys. It's quite an introduction. We tried not to build you up too much, Max. Oh, good. Yeah, we wanted to make people less excited for your appearance. Yeah.

So you don't overshadow us because you're doing something cool. Yeah. Max? It's been wonderful, the reception that we've gotten here by boaters on the river. Like a lot of these old guys at marinas will come up and look at our sort of handcrafted, homemade, thrown-together craft, and they'll say, that's such a cool thing. It's something I've always wanted to do kind of thing.

These old loner boater types that are saying it, and all the youth kind of walk the other way with their noses upturned. But we're getting some kind of good reception, at least. Max, when you say handcrafted boat, you mean shitty and possibly going to sink, right? It's funny that you mentioned the S word. I'm not allowed to say it because I'm on the boat, and it's bad luck if you say it. You don't want to jinx it. Mm-hmm.

But it's an old 1971 pontoon boat that was built by a prison back when they used to have, you know, boat factories and prisons. Boat factories and prisons, you know, the good old days of boat factories. What happened is you need a skill, so they teach you pontoon making. That's right. Yeah, yeah, something that you could use when you get on the outside. So, yeah, at any rate, we got this thing, you know, built by some, you know, disgruntled prisoners in 1971,

and basically it's taken on a few leaks, you know, at the welding seams. It's all aluminum. So it sort of breaks down a little bit, and we're taking on water pretty swiftly now. Every other day, we have to spend about an hour pumping it out. Now, we should be clear. When you say it's made of aluminum, we're specifically talking about old license plates. Yeah, that's right. That's right. They hammer them together, and they used chewing gum, and they were never allowed actual welding equipment because they could use it against the guard.

Yeah, you could fire the warden. You could fire his face. Right, that's right. What you do is you use a combination of toilet paper and urine. It's amazing. Amazing what you can do with that. You can also plug up the holes in your boat with that, with toilet paper and urine.

Yeah, exactly. You've been plugging up the holes in your boat with toilet paper in your end. Yeah, exactly. In fact, you've been plugging up the holes in this show with toilet paper in your end. That's right. Max, how long have you been at this, and how long do you suspect to be at this? Well, we suspect the whole trip is going to take roughly 80 days. And we've been at it for two months today, so two months exactly so far. And we're about halfway, and we expected, we're a little more, we're more than halfway, but we expect to make up some time on the back end here.

Now, I'm going to show my coastal centricity, but does the Mississippi river go from the North to the South or the South to the North? It spills out into the Gulf of Mexico, right? That's right. That's right. That's what it does. So you did, did you start in like Chicago or something? Uh, kind of near there. Yeah. We started in Minnesota. Um we started in the Twin Cities, St. Louis, Minneapolis area. And we took it all the way down to a little bit past St. Louis, Missouri, where we went up the Ohio, and we're now taking the Tennessee River down. It's not going to be the lower Mississippi for us, because it's a little bit rough and kind of boring. And so we decided to... I've always felt that way about the lower Mississippi.

You know, and it's really... What you're looking for in a river is a river that's pleasant but filled with excitement. That's exactly it. And the upper Mississippi is just that. Actually, I was surprised when I got on it, when Bill and I were both surprised, at how beautiful the scenery is.

You know, there's bluffs and kind of woodlands surrounding the Mississippi in the upper half, and it's gorgeous. And then in the lower half, it just turns to, like, this sort of flat and kind of boring. It's all levied up, you know, because once the person upstream of you puts up a levy, all levied up, you know, because once the person upstream of you puts up a levy, then if you don't put up a levy, you're going to be twice as flooded because, you know, they're not taking on any of the floodwaters that they ought to. So now, you've got to build up a levy, and the next guy's got to build up an even taller levy because... So it turns into a levy pissing contest.

It's pretty much, yeah. It's just who can build the highest levy doesn't think. And then we've learned from Popular Song that when the levy breaks, all kinds of trouble hits. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. And it's true. And we've actually seen, you know, the aftermath of that because we got on the river right about when the rains were hitting. And we sort of took off right when the first sign of water rising was happening.

And then this whole 500-year flood kind of hit this whole area, and we got stopped, you know. There's a bunch of locks and dams, so they don't let the pleasure boaters through. That's what they call the non-cargo ships, the pleasure boaters? No, no, that's just what they call me and Bill, because of our talent. Yeah, specifically it's because it's a whoremonger's boat. Ah, that's right. That's what the specific term pleasure boater applies to. That's right. And so they haven't let us, they weren't letting us through just because of the floods. So we got to see the aftermath of all

that and it was pretty severe, you know. When that was happening, I was imagining you on some sort of tied together with rope raft floating past a church steeple. Yeah, yeah, cows on barn roofs and all that. It definitely happened, but just hundreds of miles from us. Oh, good. So why are you doing this, Max? I don't know why you're doing this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good question. AIDS awareness, I'm guessing? Yeah, no, it's another little ploy for the environment or something. I don't know. Are you selling any wristbands at all? I ought to. We ought to have a Big River Show wristband called Swim Strong or something. Yeah. Pump Strong, it sounds like. Oh, it's such a sad situation. It's a lot of pumping.

But I guess it's kind of a once-in-a-lifetime-style adventure that ought to get done when someone is around my age, which is 27, I think, and I don't have kids and I don't have a job that needs me to be there, you know, the whole year long. So I figured, and Bill was sort of a, he was instrumental in the idea process there, and he actually read an article in a magazine about somebody who tried to do it sort of Huck Finn style. Was it Harper's or the Atlantic? It was. It was Harper's. Yeah, I read that one.

Yeah, and he sank in the St. Louis channel there. And he said it was an awful idea. And, you know, typical of the New Yorker or the Harper's style, they had to be catty and poo-poo like The Adventure Life or something like that. I don't know. They had to be catty and sort of poo-poo like the Adventure Life or something like that. I don't know. But Bill basically kind of grew a chip on his shoulder about it and said,

you know, I bet I could do that and make it fun and not suck and do it way better than these guys who got famous. He's like, I know a couple of prisoners who put together a mean pontoon boat. Ever heard of the 1970s? Sure you have. Disco was king, and prisoners across America were making pontoon boats with nothing but old license plates and urine-soaked toilet paper.

Here's Cheap Trick with O'Candy. Max, so when you're not pumping, when you're not navigating, what's your kind of day-to-day like on the river? What are you doing? It changes a little bit given the terrain, but when we were on the upper Mississippi, we would basically pull up anchor, crack a beer, and sit back

on our cots or our furniture outside and just get some sun and cook hot dogs on the camping stove that we have on board. And it was just this really laid-back, chill environment. But now that we're on the Tennessee, we're actually going against the current. And so we basically have to just, one of us is at the helm all day, and the other of us is either cooking or trying to make plans. Or sometimes we try to drum up press or get on the Internet and check our emails and stuff like that. But it's really a relaxed environment.

We've made it through several books. Of course, Mark Twain, among the top authors that we've got on board here. And it's just kind of a relaxed atmosphere. And, of course, Tom Clancy. And, yeah, of course, of course. Tom Wolfe, literary dandy Tom Wolfe. Absolutely. Tom and Jerry. cat and mouse team.

Is this a covered pontoon boat that you're on? I don't even know what a pontoon boat is, but are you baking under the hot sun all day? Well, so we bought this pontoon boat, and then we stripped it of all of its um furniture and everything and then we built a little 12 by 8 foot cabin um out of lumber that we got from home depot and we put canvas up on the sides that just sort of drapes down and uh and that's it's kind of like a floating shack so you always it's a shanty town, for sure. A Hooverville.

A floating Hooverville. You obviously set out with this thing with a pretty romantic idea in your mind. Is it living up to the romance? It's definitely surpassing the romance. You would not believe the chicks on this boat. Yes, I've heard tales of river sluts. Is that warranted? It's more of a booze cruise, really.

Oh, my goodness. You would not believe how a homemade craft just makes the ladies run the other way. They think we're some kind of drifter, murderous hobos that have only ill will. You keep inviting them for a night on your yacht and then taking them out to the marina. So wait, okay, so you have actually put people off with your homemade, are these just like people going also down the, you know, is this people on booze cruises? Is this people on spring break kind of thing? Well, you know, I mean, if you live by a river or a lake, you know, is this people on booze cruises? Is this people on spring break kind of thing? Well, you know, I mean, if you live by a river or a lake, you know, there's going to be a boating community.

Sure. And so that's mostly who we run into. So when we stop into a marina, everyone there owns a boat or knows someone who owns a boat. And, you know, so they're used to seeing people sort of traveling around, but, you know, frankly, a boat is an investment kind of like a house. It sort of ties a lot of people down, you know. Sure. They have the marina.

They have the place where they store their boat during the winter, and they're very sort of well-entrenched in their local area. And also, you know, frankly, the Midwest isn't known for its travelers or whatever. Spirit of adventure? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, you've got Lewis and Clark. Mall of America. Yeah, the Mall of America.

And people do power walk circuits in the Mall of America. Let me ask you this question, Max. If that's the case, how do you explain the St. Louis Cardinals? They made it all the way to the World Series recently. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow, we just went and saw a game as we were passing through there, and I have to say, I explain that through the fact that their fans are the most dedicated fans I have ever

Aren't they spectacular fans? I went to a game in St. Louis once. It was the best baseball game I've ever been to. It was the best one I've been to, too. I mean, it probably wasn't the same game, but my God, they come out in full color. No, I think it was the same game. It was at different times. Now, this game that you went to, was it about 10 years ago? Yeah, no, it was about 10 days ago. Yeah, so probably the same game. Mine was 10 years ago. Yeah, 10.

Did you have a big foam finger, like a number one on your hand? No, I didn't have anything. I wasn't even wearing red, and I really felt out of place. Thanks a lot, Dan Rather. Morally safer over here is drilling down to the important issues. No, I'm just saying you might have recognized him. He was the guy with the foam finger on him. Gotcha.

Yeah, I did see a guy in a red T-shirt. Was that you? No, I wasn't wearing red, and I felt out of place. That's what I'm saying. I felt like I was really betraying the whole scene there, because out of 43,000 people, I was one of eight guys not wearing a bright red shirt. So, Max, you're on the boat.

You're eating hot dogs. You're cracking a brew. You're reading books. But from time to time, you guys pull into a marina and kind of get off and enjoy the local color. Is that right? That's right, yeah. You can wash clothes and eat you know, eat something that's not cooked over a tiny propane situation. Sometimes, yeah, and in the beginning we were

definitely doing a lot more of that, but all of that scene kind of tends to be pretty similar, and, you know, unless we're really sort of sick of each other, we kind of just motor on, because, you know, it's just some local bar and a bunch of locals sitting around, and they ask roughly the same kind of questions, you know, of like, you know, I mean, it's typical interest stuff. But I guess if, you know, there's seven of them and they stagger themselves with, you know, how interested they are, they'll come over at seven different times and ask the same set of questions. And it's just like, oh, great, you know, who are we talking to? And it's mostly, you know, kind of old guys who are interested in doing the same thing 35 years ago.

And they're sort of never going to get to it. They're like, oh, that's really slow. You guys are really doing it, man. I'd love to do that someday. It's like, well, kind of. You ever thought of going on some kind of bow hunting adventure? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, I am learning how to play the banjo.

So you're just making a cartoon of this, then. This is just a parody of itself. We're making a mockery of ourselves. You guys are wearing little sailor hats, right? Overalls. Overalls with one strap. Now a straw hat and a little thing of wheat or something coming out of it. A little wheat stick?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Although I will tell you, like, I've never smoked a pipe before, but we got a pipe at the beginning of this, and for some reason sitting out here on the river all day just boating around makes you want to smoke pipe. Corn cob or non-cob? Absolutely cob. Yes, definitely cob.

Cob. So you're saying it's a cob. And it's a little bit... You're rolling CP, is that correct? That's right. That's right. Corn cob. Tobacco or bubbles?

Oh, tobacco, yeah. It's pretty brutal, because I sort of never thought that I would do that, but the river, this sort of situation molds the individuals that dare to approach. Now, I would think that one of the purposes of going on a trip like this with your dude friend was to get a little tail. You know what I'm saying? Do you see what I'm saying, Max to get a little tail. You know what I'm saying? Do you see what I'm saying, Max? Get a little tail. Oh, a little tail. A little fox tail?

Yeah, a little fox tail. You're sailing right to the furry convention. I'm talking about someone dressed as Star Fox 64. Yes, oh yes. And that's why we have the costumes. No, I want to know, like, did you, was part of the plan here that you would stop off in a city, meet the local loose women, impress them by this amazing adventure that you're participating in and give them something to remember you by?

A girl in every port is what we were hoping. That was the plan. That was the plan. But what we didn't realize is it takes at least one stop in a port to meet a girl, and then you have to come back and sort of, you know, cash in the chips. Right. And we just have not, I mean... You don't have a...

It sounds like you've got canvas walls. There's no doorknob to hang a sock from. No, that's chips. Right. And we just have not, I mean, You don't have, it sounds like you've got canvas walls, there's no doorknob to hang a sock from. No, that's right. Yeah, we don't even have a door. We don't even have a door. It's a little bit, you know,

I mean, frankly, you know, I'm telling you, we attract more old guys than young women. And it's just sort of, you know, while it's fun

to sort of see what we may become if we stayed here on the river. It's cool to do it with an old guy. I mean, that's fine, you know, while it's fun to sort of see what we may become if we stayed here on the river. It's cool to do it with an old guy. I mean, that's fine. You know, their experience. I actually ran into similar problems at the furry convention. Yeah, I mean, basically, we just grossly misestimated the whole state of

the situation here. Are you gross? Is that part of it? Part of it is that we are gross. Are you covered in swamp

leavings? When a swamp passes through a town it leaves behind swamp leavings. It's safe as long as you stay indoors as the swamp passes through. It's not going to consume you, but it will leave behind some leavings.

Don't touch those leavings for 48 hours. Yeah, the half-life. You've got to address the half-life issues. So the answer is it's been a total failure in that regard? Sorry, say that again? A romantic regard. Has's been a total failure in that regard? Sorry, say that again? A romantic regard. Has it been a total failure? Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much, yes. Bill had someone visit him, but that was from home.

He knew them from before, and so that definitely counts. But in other terms, it's basically been... So did you just have to jump in the water and swim around until they were done? Like circle the boat? Fortunately, I had a wedding to attend, so I actually flew out. You just put on your shark fin hat and went and pulled some antics. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Max, how are you documenting this whole experience?

Are you shooting video or pictures? Is it all going on your website? Well, what we're doing is shooting three minutes, roughly three minutes, sort of documets kind of thing, or little skits. Skitlets, playlets.

Biopics, yeah, about various people that we meet. Documines. Documines. Historical recreations. We are, and also we're doing a little bit of a blog, you know, a little words. Some words and some video. Hardly any still photos. And what kind of reaction do you get?

Have you gotten, do people, people like email you and follow you? Have you had anyone anticipating your arrival yet? Yeah, we have. But one thing that we also do is try to, you know, stay active on the Internet for like couchsurfing.com. We visit that site and whatnot. But no, I mean, some people have. In St. Louis, we had a couple. Yeah, that's right.

In St. Louis, we had a couple of people that were following us down, and so we stayed with them. But other than that, I mean, mostly our viewership is on the coast, and so it's kind of like this escape from the office, perhaps, is what I'm guessing. Where are the places where you're headed next? I'm going to set you up with some maximum funsters for some good times. Oh, good, good. Okay, some places that we're headed next.

Well, we're going to end up in New Orleans. That's the Crescent City. Wait, no, that's Cincinnati. The city of brotherly love? No, no, New Orleans is That's the Crescent City. Wait, no, that's Cincinnati. The City of Brotherly Love? No, no, New Orleans is the Murder City. The Murder City? The Fleur de Lis. The Flooded City.

Yeah. That was earlier, though. Yeah, that was a while ago. Now it's called Terry Shearer's City. I went to New Orleans recently, and the nickname I would give it is the Bachelorette Party City. It's basically all that's happening there is a bunch of bachelorette parties.

Wow. Wow. Well, you know what that means. I mean, that means basically it's just going to get married off pretty soon, and we had better head down there quickly. Yeah, I know. Well, they're still fishing, let's see. Before it settles down. If you're, let's see, I'm looking at a map right now.

Mobile, Alabama is the biggest, most recognizable name that's going to be on there. But there are such names as Demopolis. There's Pickensville, Aliceville, Aberdeen, and Armory. Aliceville, Aberdeen, and Armory. Tishomingo is one of the cities that we're going to be passing through. If any of your viewers, or listeners rather, are in any of these cities, please tell them to contact us. Especially Tishomingo, because we will be there in the next couple of days. And then after that, Aberdeen. Okay, well this is what I'm looking for here, Jordan.

We know Max and Bill. We know them personally. We met them in real life. We've been friends with Max for many years. We can verify that they're great guys, really pleasant, not weird and creepy. They won't murder you. They're surprisingly normal for people who are riding some sort of prison raft down the Mississippi. So if you are in one of those places, we only have thousands of listeners on this program, Jordan. Our reach is not infinite. However, if you're in somewhere between Jimblesville or whatever it was, in Mobile, Alabama and New Orleans. It is your moral obligation to contact Max and Bill because number one, they need friendship that's not from old semen.

And number two, we want you to help coordinate some romance for them. Well, I was going to say, is there any provisions that you really need when you're out there? Can someone bring a pack of toilet paper? It's just hardtack. Hardtack and bacon. Okay. Salted pork.

If they have any kind of salted pork, anything maggot infested so they can get some protein. Oh, God. Thanks, you guys. You're the best. Are you guys getting the scurvy? Are any of your teeth falling out? We are growing some plants on board to prevent that. Oh.

You're a raft madness. Oh, yeah. No, I definitely have raft madness. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, I definitely have Brass Madness. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I'll catch Bill talking to himself or to the canvas walls.

And it's funny because when I catch him, it's actually that he's interrupted a conversation that I've been having with the canvas walls. I think that he shouldn't usurp the conversation because that canvas wall is the most interesting conversation. Do you have any of the Scarlet Rubella? No, thank goodness we've avoided most of that, although we are sort of getting swamp foot here. Swamp foot.

Ladies? Swamp thing? We really don't. That will not help our lady attraction. That's fine. Okay, Max, so all these Maximum Funsters who are on your route and you're going to make friends with,

where do they find you on the internet to get in touch with you? It's worldwide web, bigrivershow.com. Bigrivershow.com. And anybody who doesn't live in Aberdeen, Scotland, or whatever it was

that they were flying through, you can watch their antics. See what I'm saying, Jordan? And they are very full of antics. Yeah, you would characterize them as antics. I mean, we're talking about a couple of real fun fellas, Jordan. Real fun fellas. The Swamp Foot.

No, no, no. They've got serious Swamp Foot. I mean, just horrible Swamp Fest. They've got serious Swamp Foot. I mean, just horrible Swamp Foot. It's a little out of control. We'll try to take care of it before we get to Aberdeen. These fellas got gators in their shoes. Oh, no. Gators in their gators.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, Max. Well, we thank you kindly for taking the time. Oh, absolutely. From your busy schedule of... Drinking a beer and talking to a wall. It's rough, yeah.

Hopefully you can get back in your rhythm. I hope we didn't upset your day too much. To be fair to Max Jordan, he is doing a little bit of corncob puffing. Sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. C-C- Sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. C-C-P-P. Oh, yeah.

Oh. So sweet, you guys. You guys are the sweetest. Yeah, cut it out. Later, buddy. We loves you. Absolutely. Take care.

Max Livingston. We'll have more in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, there is one segment on this program that I would characterize as more culturally relevant than any other one but talk one right one segment talk that has touched the nerves we all know you're talking about but talk of a nation there's one there's one moment when jordan jesse go crystallizes into a performance force that has only been matched in my lifetime by two people. Number one, Old Blue Eyes, Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Number two, Old Jewess, Barbara Streisand. A situation where a performer transcends language, melody, and becomes a powerful force of nature, not unlike the rainbow waterfalls in the classic music video Can You Feel It by the Jacksons. So thank you for this loving description of butt talk that segment on let's get down to business that segment on this program ladies and gentlemen is called jordan sings a song oh yeah i forgot

about that one jordan what song would you would you like to sing on this week's program? I don't know. It depends on what the most satisfying song for my all-star backup band is. Well, it looks like we have, look at this, Adam Lissiger from the You Look Nice Today podcast, sometimes known as Lonely Sandwich. How are you, everybody? We've got Jimmy from a local high school.

Wow, high school. A high school marching band. This is the most complete compliment of instruments you've ever had. Yeah. We've got a ukulele in Adam's hands and Jimmy's holding a trumpet. This is better than when Flea and Chad Smith sat in, guys. I just want to say.

Jordan, you have this amazing power. Sure. And I want you to capture it for social change. This is a time of change in our country. Race is on the tip of everyone's mind. Sure. Do you know any freedom songs? Well, if there's one issue I feel strongly about, it's the abolition of slavery.

So I think I'll sing Jimmy Crack Corn. When I was young, I used to wait on the master and hand him his plate. Pass the bottle when he got dry and brush away the blue tail fly. Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care fly Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care My master's gone away When he would ride in the afternoon

I'd follow him with my hickory broom The pony being rather shy Wasn't bitten by the blue-tailed fly. Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care. Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care. Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care. My master's gone

away. Away. Dr. Ron Paul for president, everybody. Dr. Ron Paul for president, everybody. Dr. Ron Paul for president. Freedom for the slaves. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Adam, lonely sandwich. Lysagor, a.kagor aka the faggot now number i want to be absolutely clear here jordan can i take this opportunity to be absolutely clear yeah i love sandwich over here it doesn't i just yeah that's the facts sandwiches not only is you look nice today one of my all-time favorite podcasts oh stop but sandwich is the favorite contributor to that podcast of both my mom and my dad and my mom and my dad yeah so we're talking about four parents everywhere agree that's why we're we're broadening our demo here, Jordan. We're expanding

our reach. Do you understand what I'm saying? Sure. Sandwich is coming to the wedding. Oh, yeah? I'm going to be there. You're going to be there, Sandwich? I wouldn't miss it. You're getting married this Saturday, right? Yeah, one week from today as we tape this. It's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying,

Jordan. I couldn't be more terrified. I'm trying to think of some different stuff I should do while I'm still a bachelor. What's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying, Jordan. I couldn't be more terrified. Yeah. I'm trying to think of some different stuff I should do while I'm still a bachelor. What's terrifying? Like what? Well, you know how my life isn't going to change at all except that I'll wear a ring. Yeah, yeah. You and Teresa have already been cohabitating for some time. Yeah, five years, I guess.

I don't know what's terrifying about it. Yeah. It's so permanent. It's like it's me deciding what the rest of my life is. Do you see what I'm saying here, Jordan? I love Teresa and never have I even considered the possibility of not being with Teresa. You know what I'm saying? Right.

You know what I'm saying? Right. But now that I have to consider the possibility that I am committing myself to definitely being with Teresa forever and ever, amen, so say we all. Sure. It's pretty intense. You're having second thoughts is what you're saying. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go through with it. All right.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to do it. Are you going to just not show up to the wedding? No, I was thinking I would. Are you going to run out when he says to take this woman say woman yeah you know that part when they say will you well i was just gonna whip my dick out and kind of helicopter around and then just go class of 99 and just run the fuck out because i think that would be pretty epic for the class of 99 we haven't done a lot of stuff. We've been pretty quiet the last eight years, but I just want people to know that it wasn't because we've gone away permanently.

We've just been biding our time. You're planning an epic moment with which to spin your dick. Yeah. I mean, class of 2000 made that big thing that said 2000 in White Rocks up on the big hill so you could see it from the freeway. But I think Class of 99 Oh, we had that awesome senior prank too. Yeah, you did have that really good prank.

Where he put the vice principal's car on the roof. Yeah, he disassembled it on the ground and reassembled it on the roof. Yeah, it was really funny. Remember when you filled Mr. B's classroom with chickens? Real life chickens? I do. And they shit all over the calculus books? That was pretty great. But I think this dick thing

People infected scratches. But I think this dick thing I think this dick thing is going to be the thing that takes the class of 99 to the next level. Yeah. You see what I'm saying?

Because a lot of classes are thinking about what can we do to go from a simple prank to something so distressing that it will tear apart the social fabric of our community? So the plan was to wait nine years and then all get married on the same day and whip your dicks out and swing them around in front of grandma and everyone.

Or pussies, to be fair. The female members of the class of 99 will be whipping out their pussies. And yeah, and we haven't we we basically it was a handshake agreement but it was a spit shake and um i feel like i have to honor it you know what i mean i mean i stuck it out with theresa these eight nine years so that i could do that because i didn't know would i be able to meet another chick and get it to that level yeah where it would be credible for me to ask her to marry me you know what i mean gotcha what uh um mr rosenblatt the principal is going to be so steamed yeah he's going to be like

oh jesse um it's okay so you mentioned things things that you should do while still yeah one more week of bachelorhoodhood. What are some things that you feel like are off limits once you get married? The thing is, now I'm like, because this is this big transition in one's life, right? Between being

like a crazy child man and being an adult that can bear children, right? Not bear children but give give the seed of life after after you get married they put the womb in you right is that is that yeah they shove a womb up your butt yeah so then you have ass children now i'm wondering like oh no i've never done anything crazy in my entire life yeah it's you yeah you've you've led a pretty uh pretty chaste quiet existence yeah well maybe not quiet i'm a loud talker sure you

speak to the back of the room you can speak to yeah i know how to project yeah i can do say it the tip of the tongue the teeth and the lips the tip of the tongue, the teeth and the lips. The tip of the red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. It's not a volume exercise. It's just like a speech. Well, it's addiction. It's addiction exercise, yeah. But I mean, if you're going to reach the back of the room, you need the clarity. Clarity of speech.

Sibilance. Sibilance. Sibilance. Sibilance. So the bachelor party is coming up. I assume it's all planned out. Is that right, Jordan? Jordan's in charge of planning it out. Yeah, there's an Evite.

My brother is too young to do anything wrong. He's only 18. He's going to be my best man. So that's why Jordan is the deputy best man. It's sort of like recently Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa took his child on a trip to Paris, and the city council president was out of town so a city council woman was acting mayor for about a day or a couple years ago in san francisco that happened in a city council person like passed some laws which you're like not supposed to like you can do because you're all right time to pass some laws like issued some executive orders while he was mayor he's like ah and i and I can make a few and everybody

has to wear bloomers or something like that. And he put on his Napoleon hat and hit himself in the head with a mallet. Yeah, it's funny you mention Napoleon hat. I think I'm just going to wear a Napoleon hat for the next week for one thing. I've always wanted a nice tri-corner. So that's one thing. I don't know.

Well, yeah, what do you... Okay. The worst part is I feel like if I were to get married and I wanted to do something crazy, Teresa would probably support me. Yeah, she's real supportive. She's really supportive, you know? Are you talking about, like, do you want to do some sort of Max Livingston-esque adventure where you, Yeah, I don't know. I mean, right now the big adventure I have planned is trying to find a wholesale candy distributor for the candy buffet.

At the wedding. At the wedding. I think I'm going to get some of those. It's also wedding-related adventures. Some of those sweet, sweet chili candies. Sure. Keep with the fiesta theme. Caramel apple pops.

You want to do something with the potential for injury. What if I got generic sweet tarts instead of regular sweet tarts? They're like Mexican ones, so I'm not sure if they've been passed the FDA or whatever. That's pretty dangerous. It's something only a single bachelor can do. Yeah. Buy Mexican tarts. Do you think there's other places I should whip my dick out?

Is that what you think? Nah. No. It's an unimpressive dick anyway i guess we've been talking we've been nobody's gonna be impressed we've been teasing the bachelor party yeah i guess i should say what is actually going on is that is that what's gonna happen i thought it was supposed to be a surprise to me or something no it's all in the evite oh it is that i forwarded you yeah i didn't really read the evite well why'd i fucking make the evite

do you want to invite my friends to the party. I'm going to say what it is because there's changes of clothes required. Okay. Okay. First of all, we're going to meet. First of all, Vegas, then Atlantic City. Okay. Good.

Have we got a party bus? We have a party bus going from Vegas to Atlantic City. Does the party bus have a stripper pole for Tyler? Yes. Okay. And then that area of Mississippi where you can gamble if it's on the water. Gotcha. What's that?

This is one of those duck boats, right? I think that's Aberdeen, Mississippi. Absolutely correct. Yeah, duck boat. Okay, good. Okay. I've always wanted to ride a duck boat, so that's one thing. Meet at Tyler's house.

Okay, we're going to meet at Tyler's house in San Francisco's Mission District. 3 p.m. This is Tyler McNiven, television star and past guest on Jordan, Jesse Gow. 3 p.m. Jesse Thorne Memorial Softball Game. It's in honor of the death of my softball career since the old ball and chain won't let me risk tearing my ACL. Jesse Thorne Memorial Softball Game, 3 o'clock. 9 o'clock. 9 o'clock.

Dinner at San Francisco's Andalou where we will have a special menu. A special menu? A special menu. A special bachelor party menu? Does it have that deep... Does it have polenta fries? Just everything that's shaped like tits. Yeah.

To make everyone feel erotic. Awesome. I'm going to get such a boner when i eat those polenta fries that are shaped like tits man i'm getting a boner right now you guys want to see my boner god that would just basically ruin my life okay fair enough It certainly ruined a share of lives in its time. You know, like those girls that got pregnant in high school? Yes. And then I abandoned them? Sure. Anyway.

Some of you punched the baby out. Yeah. 11 p.m., etc. And that's the etc.? Yeah. That's when the outrageousness starts. We can do anything we want to. Anything. So, it's going to be a softball etc. Yeah. That's when the outrageousness starts. We can do anything we want to. Anything. So, it's going to be a softball game.

Okay. It's going to start, Adam, with a softball game. Now, I know you love softball. You're an athletic guy. Yeah, sure. Underhand pitches all the way. That's how I roll. You've always been a good underhand thrower.

You shoot basketballs underhand. Granny style. Bull granny style. Yeah, absolutely. Two-hand bowling. Bumper. Bumper pool. He plays a lot of bumper pool.

A lot of snooker. When he goes to the pool hall, he bets money on bumper pool. Bumbershoot also. Goes to Bumbershoot every year. He calls it Bumbleshoes. So the et cetera is the question. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, I mean, I guess we can do anything we want to after dinner. And this is your call. It's my call? I thought, no. Oh, we have to force you to do it. You have to force me to do it. Oh, yeah, okay. That's the whole premise of it.

And I'm not even going to be drunk. Oh, yeah, okay. That's the whole premise of it. And I'm not even going to be drunk. Yeah, geez, man. So you guys really do have to force me to do it. Hmm, fair enough. Okay. All right. Are we clear? You got a place, Jordan?

You got an old standby? I got an old standby right here. You guys want to see it? No! Oh, God. If it's a polenta fries boner, I don guys want to see it no oh god it's a polenta fries boner i don't want to see it crispy on the outside but soft and moist on the inside and covered in ketchup and what i'm really sorry for everybody that i'm making all these boner jokes i'm just in a really

uncomfortable place in my life right now and i I'm acting out. Well, you're becoming especially aware of your boner. Yeah. You become hyper aware. Jordan, did you know this is how a wedding works? This is how a wedding works, okay? Sure. The run-up to a wedding. Every time a woman tells someone that she's going to get married,

people just flip out with excitement and support, kind words, questions about the dress. They want to see the ring. They want to know if there's going to be babies. They want to know if they're registered somewhere, even if there's somebody that you just met sitting next to them on an airplane. That's how it works for a lady.

Here's how it works for a guy. They tell you, it's not too soon to get out now. It's a good one. And I thought that was just what dudes said to other dudes, but it turns out women say that to dudes too. Every single person I've told that I'm going to get married, all they say to me is, you still got time to get out now. Do they say that? Yeah, every single person.

Absolutely. Without exception. Even the reporter from the New York Times who just interviewed me for the wedding section said that to me. The thing that her job depends on. Yeah. She was trying to talk you out of it. She was trying to talk me out of her freelance assignment.

I thought maybe you were just hanging out with the cast of Spike TV's Lunchbox Show. Yeah, I do love Lunchbox Show. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's one of the best shows with a bunch of heads inside of a thing, since it's about a group of heads inside a lunchbox, since Herman's Head, which was a group of heads inside of a head. Let's not forget Drexel's class. I don't even know what that is.

That's another Fox sitcom during Fox's body sitcom days. Remember when that's what all Fox had on, was just body sitcoms and then in living color? So to be clear, what you're saying is body, B-A-W-D-Y. They did go through a B-o-d-y sitcom which was mostly a body sitcom and a body sitcom well it depends on which voice inside herman's head you were talking about the sure there was the lothario voice but there was also the super rational sciencey uptight book guy voice he had glasses and there was lisa simpson yeah all right was she his friend or something

you're lee smith is it yeah something yeah she was yes you're lee smith is something but that's her name i'm pretty sure yeah the simpsons that's the guys that say i caramba all right right you're thinking of lunchbox show oh geez how jeez. How could I mix that up? That's on TBS. Very funny. I should have known that right away. So do you guys think there's anything that I should do before I get married? Something morally depraved or something that signifies my freedom?

Should I ride across the country on a Harley? Yeah. I mean, I can think of all these things. I just don't think you'll like any of them. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Like jump off of something? Yeah. I mean, I can think of all these things. I just don't think you'll like any of them. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like jump off of something. Yeah. I'm not going to do that. You're not going to jump. I'd like to ride a Segway. You can do that when you're married. Okay. That's, that's fine. They actually ask for a, they ask for a dad's license before you're allowed to get on a Segway. Yeah. This is a question I had for you.

When you're getting licensed to be married, do they actually put you through a course of counseling or anything like that to make sure you're going to be okay with each other? No, it's just a multiple choice exam. Seriously? To make sure you understand the different rules of the stop sign. No, they do, after you fill out the paperwork and sign it they say they're like the the clerk is behind this glass and says like do you understand and affirm the paperwork that you've just signed or something like that and then they go congratulations

and there's also some really nice done that already yeah we did that there was some really nice old gays there and it just filled my heart with love they were so nice nice to us. We were talking to them while we were waiting and they were just the sweetest guys. You know, they've been together for so long and they were finally getting married because of course it recently became legal to marry here in California if you're a gay homosexual. And actually, just a few days after my wedding, my mom is going to be the best man in her best friend's wedding or the bridesmaid or whatever it is in a two dudes wedding. Of her best friend's wedding or the bridesmaid or whatever it is in a two dudes wedding of her best friend's wedding they're getting married on their 20th anniversary

isn't that just the sweetest thing in the world? good job, it's a good time it makes me really happy because I went to this wedding about a year ago where they had to make a little speech about how they felt bad because their gay and lesbian

friends couldn't get married. And it was like, on the one hand, you were like, I'm really glad they made that speech because I feel bad about that too. But then on the other hand, you were like, this is kind of a weird thing to make a speech about. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, it is the time to say it.

There's no doubt about it. Healthcare reform. Yeah. I mean, there's no doubt that that is the time to say something about it. You know, you have your, you're celebrating this occasion. You have these close friends who are, you know, gay homosexuals or lesbian woman lovers. And they would like to get married but can't. And so that is the time to say it.

Sure. It's like Michael Moore when he did his thing at the Oscars in his acceptance speech, and it pissed people off, but it was the right time to say it. Yeah, I mean, when else are you going to say it, right? I mean, that's when you say it. But there's no way to make it not awkward. Are you going to have a political platform at your wedding? Yeah, my thing is going to be mostly about the estate tax, or as I call it, the death tax. I'm tired of people.

I think it's harming family farms and small businesses particularly. Is this even America if you can't pass your small business onto your child? You know what I mean? You know what I mean, Adam? I didn't realize that that was at stake. Or is this communist Europe?

Certainly not. Somebody wrote on their blog recently, I have one of these Google searches for somebody who writes about Jordan Jesse Goh or Sandy Yang America. Somebody wrote on their blog recently that they usually find Jordan, Jesse, Go amusing, Jordan.

But they don't like our hipsterish anti-politics anti-political engagement stance. Too political. They don't like that we don't get politically engaged because we're such hipsters.

Oh, I see. That's what's going on here, Jordan. Yeah. We're just too cool for politics. We're just kicking back, listening to some LCD sound system. You know what? Fucking you. Sure.

If you want to go listen to Stained and vote. Yeah, have fun. Have fun. If you want to care about Prop Something 08 and buy some Nickelback records and wear some pleated khaki pants. Sure. Go ahead. Be our guests. We're going to be right here in Williamsburg, not voting.

And having something on a brioche bun. Yeah, what are you going to be right here in Williamsburg, not voting. And drinking PBRs. And having something on a brioche bun. Yeah, what are you going to say, Sandwich? I just wanted to tell a quick story, an embarrassing story about the last time I was actually engaged by politics. I ran for class president when I was a freshman in high school. And I think it was because I was encouraged to by teachers. And it was when teachers shouldn't encourage people to do things

were you popular amongst teachers? teachers, yeah I was popular amongst teachers teachers should not encourage students to do anything anytime you hear somebody saying something about teachers encourage me to do such and such it's always bad well this would have been about 1992 or so

when Dennis Leary was on the MTV telling people to rock the vote with Cindy Crawford. And he was doing that thing where he smokes a cigarette by reaching around his head. You're thinking of Andrew Dice Clay. Same genre. Okay, right. One's a little, yeah. So for my... One's a little more stealing from Bill Hicks.

The other one's a little bit more openly racist. Sure. Go ahead. Not sure which one is which yet no yeah uh leary was the stealing from bill hicks uh andrew dice clay i i heard uh i heard an andrew dice clay thing i uh just to prove this i i took there's a there's a like history of stand-up comedy class at our college that i took and just to kind of prove that andrew dice clay was awful the teacher showed this thing of him kind of pre but before he was playing stadiums and the kind of like the argument about andrew

dice clay was that like oh well it's a character and like you know it got out of control or no just like people say well you shouldn't you know andrew dice clay is just a character and it's it's poking fun at these kind of attitudes but show this video of just him in a club saying like like like where's all the gays in town we gotta hang them we gotta string them up and people were just like applauding like that was telling a joke it's edgy material he's a latter-day lenny bruce though holy mackerel anyway you were saying freshman class president my bright idea was um for my for my campaign speech that we had to give in front of the entire class, I would channel that Dennis Leary character

telling people they needed to rock the vote. So I wrote it out. You were like angry blue-collar guy. Angry blue-collar. And I'm sure you were known as an outspoken class cut-up at the time. I was very class clowny. Most of them didn't know who I was, actually.

So it ended up going very, very badly. I stumbled about 13 seconds into my speech. So unless you get the momentum, it all falls apart very quickly. And I didn't have the cigarette as a prop, which was probably a problem. You look a lot like Dennis Lillard. That's how I was trying to sell it. You did put your two fingers against your mouth a lot like Dennis Lillard. Oh, that's how I was trying to tell it. You did put your two fingers against your mouth a lot.

No. Yeah. So what it ended up being, the feedback from the crowd afterwards, was that a lot of them thought I was trying to do a Ross Perot imitation. Which you could see. Also very popular at the time. You could see how that would not get me the presidential position, which didn't go well for me.

Could you have guessed that? I mean, it's that one time that Jordan was doing his Carol Channing and everybody told him it was the best Joe Lieberman they'd ever seen. Is that true? Yeah. Although I was talking about how video games are too violent. Hello, Dolly. We need to fight the culture wars again dolly

that's a song parody are too violent i don't identify with either party And I always sound like I'm about to cry. Jew. Me, me, me. Me, me, me, me. Jew. Jew. You, Jesse, go up here. I'm going to Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew.

Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew. Jew's fine. Did you not see our conducting? We were conducting. I was trying to go for a solo like I was supposed to in Jimmy Cat. Okay.

Okay. Look. The point is that I want to go get in a bar fight. Let's do it. Let's go right now. Bar fight. You want to fight Coco? Yeah.

Let's go. Come on, Coco. Wow, man. Live it up, because you're going to be tied down. You're going to be, you're going to have

the old ball and chain shackled to your ankle and you can't do that kind of crazy shit. There won't be any more horseplay. Okay, we'll be back in just a second

on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. back in just a second on jordan jesse go the program is jordan jesse go i am jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective adam lonely little sandwich lissagor that one deserved like a little music cue like we should have we should have queued we should have queued adam with a little sad uh strings sounds like a maybe like a pamphlet you get at school that encourages you not to do drugs lonely little sandwich he's got my picture on it yeah the lonely little sandwich he's lonely because he's on horse he's shooting up his honey he's using oh right yeah there you go not because he's riding a horse no that would make you popular especially with the ladies in elementary school school yeah um

adam i don't know if you how familiar you are with the program i know you prefer not to listen to podcasts with such a horrible form this is the only one i listen to so many bad memories associated with it. But here on the program, we take telephone calls. People call in, share their thoughts about what's going on in the world, etc., etc. Let's just go to the phones here for a minute, and we'll see what people have had to say today. I'm from Traverse City, Michigan. And I'd just like to tell you a couple of my favorite words.

I don't know if this is an action item or not, but I like the word minion. Minions is really good. And pussyfoot, like pussyfooting around. I think that's awesome. So, all right. Take care, you guys. He's not sure if that was an action item or not. I think it was.

Now I think it was. Yeah, I think it was. I think it's just everyone else that missed it and we forgot to say it. The word I like is sus. Sus it out. Sus it out. Sus it out. That's good. Did you like how he called in with that enthusiasm too? Mm-hmm.

That's good. When you're going to call in, you want to hit the ground running. So just don't take it up to it, but you don't want to take it all the way up to 10 right away. So start where he was at the beginning of that call, around an 8 or 9 out of 10. Then just turn it up all the way to 10 for the crescendo, which is the goodbye. That seems to be kind of a global action item. It has been for a while, just kind of calling out words that you like or don't like just by their acoustic properties.

Adam, can you tell me why on the internet everyone wants to talk about typefaces? I don't know. It's pretty boring, isn't it? It is kind of boring. There's a whole movie about it. There's a whole... Helvetica? Yeah.

First of all, boring font. Sorry, font nerds. Wait, do people just want to talk about typeface on the internet? Yeah, that's all they want to talk about on the internet. I thought it was steampunk. Typefaces. Yeah. I think steampunk is a typeface, isn't it?

It is. Adam, you're an expert. Yeah, no, it is. typeface, isn't it? It is. Adam, you're an expert. Yeah, no, it is. Yeah, it's made of typewriters. I compose most of my scripts and resumes in steampunk. The letters look like they're made out of copper pipes. Yeah, exactly. Precisely.

Okay, let's go back to the phones here. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Jordan. This is Roxanne. I'm calling from my apartment, or rather my hotel in Rome. I've been in Florence for about a month now studying painting. And I just wanted to let you know the impact you've had on my life. I was kind of homesick for the first week.

So I listen to your podcast constantly. And I had to figure out a way to give back to you guys. So I had a dinner party and I cooked risotto and other Italian things. And I told all about eight people all about your podcast. So at least eight other people in the world know about your podcast. And I was trying to figure out another way that I could give back. So I was sitting on my rooftop in Florence, my apartment. And I was like, oh, wouldn't it be great if you guys could hear the Duomo, the bell tower ring.

Actually, it's the Campanile, not the Duomo. But anyways, I wanted you guys to hear it. But then I had to leave really quickly to Rome, and now I'm sitting in my hotel room, and I have to leave in 10 minutes. So the bells are not ringing, but I wanted you guys to know that I thought of you, and I'm sending you pictures of the dinner parties.

You should check it out. They're fun, and I'm a little drunk, so they're silly. Okay, bye. She's silly. It's a fun call, right? Isn't that fun? That was fun. Isn't that fun?

Yeah, I mean, you know, and like Michael Moore did with Fahrenheit 9-11, how they encourage you to show it in your home. He used risotto too, right? He did, yeah, to coax people into watching his movie. He does a lot of stuff. I like that idea, have some people over. He does stuff sometimes with bulgur wheat too, like a bulgur wheat or a couscous. Polenta?

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's about grains. Like a bulgur wheat or a couscous. Polenta? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's about grains. I mean, ultimately, it's about experimenting with grains, different ways to use grains. Indian corn. It's a multicolored kind of corn. Quinoa. Quinoa, which is a type of corn that Adam made up.

Grains. Yeah, grains. Absolutely. That's what it's about. Do you think we should encourage people to haveins. Yeah, grains. Absolutely. That's what it's about. Do you think we should encourage people to have Jordan and Jesse go parties? Absolutely. Yeah, this is a dinner party. Although we kind of tried with that drinking game thing and nobody bid on that.

Yeah, nobody actually did the drinking game. We went through that whole thing and nobody did it. It was a whole ordeal. It would be mostly people drinking alone. Probably some people did it by themselves. Yeah, yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, that's what we're looking at with the podcast audience. Speaking of which, that girl that told eight people about your podcast,

I'm guessing that zero out of eight of them are going to listen. Because people don't tend to say it. What a boring-ass dinner party. It's like, oh, this is great. I get this lovely free meal. And my host just talks about our podcast the whole time. I don't even speak English.

That's what this person is saying. How about time you'll know speaking the inglese or however you say it in italian do you like how it was just racist against italians yeah is that possible racism against italians absolutely well i know the i know i know that the italians can be racist against the gypsies. I pissed on a fresca. No. That counts. Okay, speaking of racism. Hey, Jordan, it's Baxter from Indiana. I was calling

for a momentous occasion because today I went to the dentist and my usually completely non-racist mother, we're in the waiting room, and there are a lot of people speaking Mexican around us. And after about 15 minutes of people, like I think we were the only English-speaking people in the entire waiting room, after about 15 minutes, she turns to me and goes, After about 15 minutes, she turns to me and goes, do you want to find a nice Mexican restaurant to eat after this? And I just started laughing.

I don't know why, but it struck me as, like, mildly racist, but not really. But it's weird to me that hearing people speak Mexican makes her hungry for it. Also, on an episode a long time ago, you were wanting to know what we call, like, mooks or chotches. I call them either hicks or preps. Just letting you know. All right. Keep it up. Bye.

Now, Indiana is not a haven of cultural understanding necessarily. I'm sure there's many culturally understanding people. I try, when you're calling someone out for being kind of but not really racist, it's good to take a minute. This seems like a nice young man, so he really is just learning this. This is something he's just learning in his life. You take a minute and think, am I doing doing anything it's kind of but not quite racist for example suggesting that people from mexico speak a language called mexican they speak the spanish language also might not be from mexico sure might be from, say, El Salvador. Guatemala. Guatemala, exactly.

Honduras. I have been so impressed living here in Los Angeles at the extent to which a white person will talk to me and call a Latino person whose ethnicity and national origin they do not know a Mexican. Listen, I don't think this is going to be a problem anymore once a little movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahua comes out. Then we can all, we can put this to bed. It's going to be fine. They even, in the interest of cultural understanding,

they even show you on the poster how to pronounce the word Chihuahua. Sure. And by the way, it's pronounced Chihuahua. Chihuahua. What a good movie. Chihuahua. Exactly. So... Yeah, so i mean i think i think so holly you're saying hollywood hollywood giveth and taketh away sure i well i mean think i think they saw a problem and they're like what better way to address it they saw the i mean there have

been certain periods in our nation's history when the cause of racial justice has been most pushed forward. The abolitionist era, for example. The civil rights era. The period of time when the Taco Bell dog was on TV a lot. You know what I'm saying? And he would say, ay caramba, Taco Bell, gorditas. Sure. You know what I'm saying? Like, and he would say, ay caramba, taco bell, gorditas. Sure. I'm taking a nap under a cactus with my hat over my face. Do the do. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, I mean, the point here is that there are ways that you can reach the public besides

just preaching to them. Sure. You know what I mean? You don't want to just hear some preacher preach when you can see a chihuahua talk. And sing and dance. And then we can learn. And be CGI. That way you don't have to speak Mexican or talk to Mexicans to learn about Mexicans.

You see what I'm saying? There you go. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I'm touched by that. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is beautiful. That's beautiful. I'm touched by that. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is John from Darwin, Minnesota, living in Darwin right now.

Holy crap, Jesse. You will not believe what I just saw. I was just driving outside of Darwin here, and I saw a man in overalls and a straw hat chewing on a piece of hay in a cart that was drawn by a miniature horse and a donk. I thought that was fucking amazing. Anywho, love the show, guys. Bye. They're good pack animals, too.

That's what a lot of people don't know about a mini or a donk. They're great for bearing loads. And they work in tandem like that? I didn't realize. They're best friends. That's one of the best parts about them. They don't even travel apart from each other because they're such good buddies.

Man, it is a beautiful thing to see a Minnie and a Donk best friends with a farmer gentleman riding a cart full of hay. He's wearing overalls. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? Yeah, Donks and Minnies working together to move stereotypes to another

place. You know what, Jordan? That reminds me. Today's what? What's today's date as we record this? Don't know. August 2nd, I think. Or as I count it, one day after America's favorite holiday, New Bunny Day. Yesterday, I was feeling a little down,

and I'm not afraid to say that, Jordan. I was feeling a little down in the dumps, and Adam, you can relate to that. Once in a while, you feel bad. You know what would be a good thing to do before you get married? I was going to tell you about the new bunny. You know what would be a good thing to do? Do you want to hear about the bunny? No. You know what would be a good crazy thing to do before you get married? I was going to tell you about the new bunny. You know, it would be a good thing.

Do you want to hear about the bunny? No. You know, it would be a good crazy thing to do before you get... I'll tell you about it. You want to hear about it. Hold on, hold on. Chris, the intern's sitting behind you. Chris, do you want to hear about the bunny?

Right after... Back to our previous topic, just before we get too far off. Real quick. You kind of wanted to do something crazy. I should fuck a donk? You wanted to do something crazy before you got fuck a donk? You wanted to do something crazy before you got married. Here's my idea.

You shut the fuck up about New Bunny Day. And you never talk about it again. It's really cool. Adam, you know about New Bunny Day, right? This is the first of every month I turn the page of the calendar to the new bunny. And I don't have a real bunny in my life right now

as a listener it's horrible it's horrible to listen to when you hear about new bunny day do you want to like I turn it off and wait till it kind of turns you against the program last month was kind of a fat bunny it was a pretty fat bunny

do you feel like it's like a disease for your ears yeah usually I feel like my ears are bleeding a little bit and I get itchy scalps. It's like they're sores, they're pustules. This month's bunny is like a little bunny. He's like a skinny bunny. It's the bunnies. I mean, yeah, I guess they're cute, whatever. So share it with your fiancé.

Yeah, like you're an adult and you realize that couples have these cute little things that they do. But don't force us. You know what? I have a calendar calendar too i don't fucking tell everybody in the world about it it was a black bunny with white spots i have a baywatch calendar i usually it's mostly ironic but uh oh man you know who was august these little black and white bunny black and white bunny anyway Black and white bunny. Anyway, back to the phones, huh? Now, Jordan. Yes. You know and I know that there was a DC meetup spearheaded by Evander and Craxworth. Yep.

Now, Evander and Craxworth and M. Marion, we're going to go to see Paul F. Tompkins at the Arlington Draft House or something like that. But unfortunately, Paul F. Tompkins postponed, so they needed a new activity for their meetup. To their credit, they didn't want to cancel. They wanted to meet each other. That was the purpose of this. Meeting up. They knew about the Donk crisis. They knew here we are.

And it is a crisis. Here we are in the seat. It is here we are. And it is a crisis. Here we are in the seat. That is not hyperbole. It is a crisis. In the seat of American government where there are hundreds of legislators and officials who are failing their constituents by not addressing donk issues. Not addressing specifically the fact that the National Park Service, in all of its wisdom, has decided to ban donks from Fort Mason during my wedding, despite the fact that I found donks that could have come to my wedding and everybody could have petted them, and they had friends who were minis. Given that information. They decided to take the case to the people so they this is what they did this and there was and when they they what they didn't know was they wouldn't just be taking

it to the people they would be taking it to one of the most adorable species of people the latino baby and then they would be taking it to the most amazing species of people, the R&B superstar. They all called in to give their reports. They were all complimentary, but rather than do a Rashomon thing, I'm just going to let Craxworth speak for the group and fill in the details as necessary. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Tessie.

This is Craxworth. I'm calling in with a recount or maybe just some highlights of this weekend's pro-donk protest in D.C. So, first of all, let me just tell you, Keith Swett, vehemently anti-donk. Huge disappointment. R&B superstar. I really have faith in that guy. My voice is cracking just talking about it. We had a very nice flyer exchange with an older lady and possibly a Mexican baby.

I'm not sure. I'm not going to make that call. Not racist? They told us the good news about Jesus Christ. We told them the good news about Jesse Thorne and the bad news about donks. I'm getting married. Donks are banned. Then we moved on and ate some burritos.

Controversial because they had lettuce in them. Just a burrito food. Burrito-shaped food. Talk to you later. A donk, if you will. This is what happened, Jordan. They started out at the Department of the Interior. They handle things like Fort Mason and donks.

They passed out some flyers and decided to get some more pedestrian foot traffic at the entrance to the Smithsonian stop of the Washington, D.C. metro system. One of the most popular stops in the system. It's right there on the National Mall in the bleeding, beating heart of democracy. Adam, I see you're giving it a round of applause. Yeah, it's a silent round of applause there. A little bit of that. Let's hear it for the Smithsonian Institution and for our nation's capital.

Now, as they were passing out flyers and passed out flyer to a Latino baby who was particularly adorable, but whose mother was a little suspicious of them. Sure. And this baby was in turn handing them a flyer about Christianity. Something amazing happened. As I believe it was M. Marion put it, they felt a rush of wind behind their heads and realized quickly that that was a helicopter landing on the National Mall. And guess who was inside that helicopter?

R&B superstar Keith Sweat. Wow. S-W-E-T-T. I think Coco found something she got upset by. She doesn't like Keith Sweat either. What does he sing? What's his big song? Don't remember.

A lot of slow jams. He's 100% slow jams with Keith Sweat. It's all slow jams. Nothing but slow jams. They talk to Keith Sweat's people. Keith Sweat's people love donks. They're donk lovers. So they said they could talk to Keith Sweat's people. Keith Sweat's people love donks. They're donk lovers. So they said they could talk to Keith Sweat.

Keith Sweat, not a donk lover. In fact, he's anti-donk and refused to sign their petition or accept a flyer. Wow. What a butthead. Yeah, right? I always knew in my heart of hearts,

but I didn't want to say it, that Keith Sweat was an asshole. Man. But this confirms it. He's going to be answering to this for years to come. You know what? What? I say we got to kick it up the chain one notch.

That's what happens. When you get stopped, you don't give up. You go up the chain, up the chain, up the chain. It's like when you're at Best Buy, they won't take your return. You ask to talk to the manager. Keith Sweat won't sign your petition.

You're saying there's only one place to go. I'll be sure. I'll be sure. Okay. I'll be sure. And if I'll be sure says no, you know who we're taking it to? Morris Day. Mr. Morris Day of Morris Day and the Time.

Morris Day and the Time. I don't care if we have to hold his mirror for him so he can check his hair. Morris Day will stand up and be counted on the issue of donks. This is getting intense. Not to mention really romantic, right? Yeah. Because Keith Sweat's involved. This isn't going to happen in time for your wedding, though.

This is a lifelong issue, Jordan. This isn't just about my wedding. Right, gotcha. What about other people who want to get married at Fort Mason? Yeah, that's true. What if somebody wants to celebrate Flag Day at Fort Mason? They can't because they can't have donks there. That's a good point.

What's America without donks? It's nice to see this isn't just a selfish issue. Who's going to carry in the flags? That's true. Are you saying that the R&B slow jams community really needed to get behind something together if this is their failed opportunity? Look.

Oh, I have an idea. You can tape a flag to a cat. Yeah. I guess that would work for flag comes in but what about the fourth of july uh man you got me there yeah so you need to stand up if you believe in america if you say i don't want to make power and the power of love and i'll grant you luther van dross is dead and that's upset a lot of us. A lot of us are very upset about the fact that Luther passed. And certainly if there was anyone who could bring this community together, it was Luther. Sure.

However, it's time to turn to an elder statesman. What I'm going to ask Morris Day to do is see if he can get a meeting with Mr. Smokey Robinson of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. They're probably just going to say tape a flag to a cat, though. I'm anticipating what they're going to say. Right. Yeah, I know. That's fair. What do you think if we showed him a picture of a donk or brought a donk along?

They probably know what it looks like. I mean, check this out. Yeah. Adam comes in. a picture of a donk or brought a donk along? Yeah, they probably know what it looks like. I mean... Check this out. Yeah. Adam comes in. He's riding a donk. I'm behind him. Where are we coming into?

His chamber. When you say his chamber. Yeah, Smokey's chamber. This is at his personal house. This is where the miracles happen, my friend. Okay. Smoke house. So Adam's riding a dog.

We know where he lives in this scenario. Adam enters. And we're granted access to just all wings of his house. And so are the donks. Adam enters. Well, that's what Morris Day's role in this thing is. He's getting us access. Okay.

So Morris Day comes in. He says, allow me to introduce Jesse and Adam. Smokey Robinson is just sitting in his throne and it's okay so morris day comes in he says allow me to introduce the donk advocacy group adam comes in on his donk you don't do not make eye contact with smoky go past you want to try and go perpendicular to his line of sight. I'll come in behind you on the horse. And then...

Music was made for love. Doodling was made for love. I love it when we're cruising together. Music was made for love. Now you know my way I love it when we're cruising together Because we're cruising on the dunks. Then he's just going to say

tape a flag to a cat, though. Maybe we should sing Quiet Storm. You're right. It's a quiet storm Soft and warm I'm just going to close my eyes and let take this in. Yeah. Soft and warm I'm just going to close my eyes and let it take this in.

Quiet stuff, warm Soft and warm And then he signs the declaration for docks to be allowed in Fort Mason. Yeah, it's called an executive order, but yeah. Is there a button that he pushes or a crank that he turns? He's got like an old-time movie camera. You've got to ratchet it up. Okay. And the dock flag goes up the flagpole. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He ratch ratchet it up. Okay. And the first he ratchets it. The donk flag goes up the flagpole.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He ratchets it up. He ratchets up the spring, and then he pulls the plunger, and that shoots the donk announcement into the air. It explodes in a burst of confetti, and that kind of fireworks where it spells something out. I didn't know this is how government worked. Well, maybe you should listen to a little less ska

and a little more R&B, my friend. I guess so. You've been missing out on this the entire time. When you were busy in high school listening to the Mighty Mighty Boss Tones, you should have been with me listening to, I don't know, how about a young man named Mr. Marvin Gaye, who taught us a little something about getting shot by your father? Yeah, the electoral college.

Speaking of the Mighty Mighty Boss Tones, do you know that Step Brothers, the movie Step Brothers, ends with that famous Mighty Mighty Boss Tones song? Really? Yeah, it's crazy. Now, Step Brothers, this movie was made in 1995 and has been on the shelf for 13 years, right? Yeah, no, it was actually made recently and still. And by famous Mighty Mighty Boston's song, you're saying famous to who, really?

Now, Jordan, when you say. At the height of their fame, they had a song. When you say that famous Mighty Mighty Boston song, you're talking about that Cherry Poppin' Daddy song, right? No, it, they had a song. When you say that famous Mighty Mighty Boss Tone song, you're talking about that Cherry Poppin' Daddy song, right? No, it's actually a different song. No, Zoot Suit Riot. We're having a big riot. Zoot Suit Riot.

We think the old times are about being a douchebag. Yes. Right? That's the one. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective It's Jordan, Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Adam on the sandwich, Lucy Gore. You guys, there are times in our lives that pass by without notice. There are times in our lives that must be marked with a crimson flag. And by a crimson flag, I mean a telephone call to a marginal podcast. Those times are what I call momentous occasions. Shall we to the telephones?

Yes. Let's do it. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Bryn from Pennsylvania, and I have a momentous occasion to share with you. As I was walking home from work today, a runner passed me carrying a water bottle in one hand

and a cantaloupe melon in the other. Not something you see every day. All right, bye. See, that's momentous. Good, good. He's running with a cantaloupe. Maybe he just passed a green grocer. I think it's safety equipment.

Oh, okay. If you trip, you bring the cantaloupe up to your face. Right. It cushions the landing. It's like an airbag. Also a snack. Yeah, exactly. If you get hungry, just...

Well, no, as you're falling, you can snack on the way down. Oh, yeah, absolutely. No, but it's hungry work, falling. And running, not to mention running. I don't know. Yeah, you're right. No, I don't find myself, falling. And running, not to mention running. I don't know. You're right. No, I don't find myself getting hungry when I'm running. But when I'm falling, certainly.

Yeah. I mean, remember that one time when my plane plummeted out of the sky? I must have eaten 50 of those little bags of peanuts. Man. You know those little peanuts? The little honey roasted peanuts? The stewardess had died, and she wasn't telling you not to. Well, I figured by dying, she was telling me to eat them.

You see what I'm saying? Your body's adrenaline was all depleted as you were plummeting, and then everybody knows that peanuts have adrenaline in them. Right. I mean, I was trying to stuff my adrenal gland with honey roast. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. This is Emily from Ohio, and I have a momentous occasion. Yesterday I went to the Wood County Fair in Bowling Green, Ohio.

I saw a lot of awesome things. The highlights, one, baby goats, adorable. Two, a dog named Leroy, who was a sweetheart. And three, a man who holds the world title of chainsaw carving, and I watched him make a fox out of a log of wood in a matter of

20 minutes, and it was awe-inspiring. You know, a lot of people think, number one, it's fair season. Get out there and enjoy the fair. Number one. That's the baseline. It's a community activity. If you can't enjoy the fair, you're a fucking asshole. Fuck you if you can and enjoy the fair sure number one that's the baseline community activity you know if you can't enjoy the fair you're a fucking asshole fuck you if you can't enjoy the fair there's baby i'll eat your funnel cake yeah i'll eat your funnel cake absolutely got any dry

roasted peanuts i'm feeling hungry whoa sorry i fell falling yeah um That's number one. That's the first and most important issue. Also, Sugar Ray is playing. Yeah, exactly. At 8 p.m. at the Carnation Pavilion. Are you really going to miss the chance to see Blood, Sweat, and Tears? I hope not. Cheap Trick cover band?

When's the next time you're going to get to see Foghat? Followed by Cheap Trick. My first concert was at a county fair, and it was Tina Turner. That's a pretty kick-ass county fair show. Yes, it was. Wow, that's really high quality. You know who's good at the fair? Weird Al. Yeah, Weird Al's the ultimate fair entertainer.

Absolutely. He's got costume changes. He's got sets. Yeah. No, you've got to go with Weird Al if you're going to go to the fair. Well, Earth, Wind, and Fire, maybe. Sure. They you're going to go to the fair. Well, Earth, Wind & Fire maybe. Sure. They really put, they start the party.

Right, the fair party. Yeah, and if you want to meet a 48-year-old African-American woman who really knows how to have fun. And eat a corn dog with her. Yeah, Earth, Wind & Fire shows the way to go. So that's number one. But number two is with regard to the most important thing she saw, this man who turned a block of wood into a fox. Who knew, right? Who knew?

I thought that only God had the power to give life. But it turns out it's a combination of God and a fatso with a chainsaw. Bingo. I'm assuming he was a fatso. He was. Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Peter from Ames, Iowa. And I have a moment of vacation.

I'm not the father. Congratulations, dude. Peter's shooting blanks Iowa, and I have a momentous occasion. I'm not the father. Congratulations, man. Peter's shooting blanks, ladies and gentlemen. Nice. Impotent. You know why he's impotent, guys? Too close to that Iowa writer's workshop. Am I right?

Ames, Iowa. Hold on. He said I'm not the father, not I'm not a father. So this implies that his moment, this is not a moment, it's a bad moment, this occasion. So you're saying that this is a plural marriage? I'm saying that his woman got knocked up and he's happy now

because it's not his. She was fucking some wannabe Faulkner at the Iowa Writers Workshop. Ames, Iowa. How'd that happen? But he seems happy about it, so let's just leave it at that. Yeah, I mean, he found out that his woman was a two-timer.

I'll tell you how it happened. They were hanging out, watching Masterpiece Theater, having some cognac. Jonathan Franzen comes rolling up in his Rolls Royce. With a big, hard dick. Mm-hmm. And a big social novel. Hi, guys. This is Jenny from New York.

I have a personal question for Jesse. I was wondering if you could tell us a bit about Teresa's friend, whom you cheated on in order to go out with Teresa. I was just wondering if you guys are still friends or if Teresa's still friends with this lady. And also if so, Jordan doesn't feel left out. Have you ever cheated on someone or been cheated on? That's all of the show.

Now, let me say I did not cheat on her with Teresa. I dumped her for Teresa and she and Teresa were best friends. So you and Teresa hadn't done any kind of, even something in high school that would be considered cheating? The thing was, me and the girl. You didn't go bowling with Teresa alone. Me and the girl were, by the time I did stuff with Teresa, me and the girl, we had broken up. with Teresa, me and the girl, we had broken up, and then we had kind of like, maybe we'd like kind of suggested that maybe we might get back together, but we didn't get back together.

Sure. And then I started going out with Teresa. So maybe some people would interpret that as a betrayal. Right. It was emotional cheating. I mean, I would say it was emotional blackmail because i made her pay me too sure in order to get the microfilm back right sure so i guess it was traditional blackmail um have i told the story about my high school girlfriend on her trip to europe

no i think i did i think i remember if. Do you remember when I had to work in that shack where you lift the arm? I remember when you worked in the shack where you lift the arm. I remember that distinctly. It was in Lake Mission Viejo. It was, yeah. Anyway, I mean, I— That's when you got to see Flock of Seagulls. Yeah, Flock of Seagulls and What If God Was One of Us?

Who's that? Joe Nossborn. Sure. Yes. of seagulls and um what if god was one of us who's that joan osborne sure yes uh anyways shut up chrissy intern chrissy intern's laughing at me behind me because you're a fan of joan osborne because i know what joan osborne's name is sorry chris you probably say you drive you probably drove here from canada listening to your casingle of I'm a bitch I'm a lover on repeat fucking asshole you're fired

he doesn't mean it Chris he flies off the handle sometimes I do not fly off the handle and I'm not off the handle right now I'm squarely on the handle somebody get him his candy bunny calendar somebody gonna bring me the bunnies no Somebody get him his candy. You're all fired! Bunny calendar.

Somebody going to bring me the bunnies? No. Well, just Cliff's notes. The gas breath cheating is my one cheating story. I had my girlfriend in high school who I was nuts about. Pretty serious girlfriend. Yeah. I did an LDR with her my first year of college.

And she went on this kind of Europe trip over the summer, met a guy over there, and she told me the day I was working this awful job, this real awful job at Lake Mission Viejo raising the gate arm for cars to go in and uh i was just working and and kind of the the the day that this all happened um my um shack mate who was a guy who you would think a guy who you would think would work at at that lived in orange county big raised truck uh maybe a tattoo with old english i don't know anyway so he spent all day with the uh alternative weekly print calling the prostitutes in the back and i was just like my life is my life is terrible yeah anyway she just basically just left you to jack off into the swamp leavings what's that like getting cheated on does that destroy you and your and your trust of any any further relationship uh i mean i think it, I think it was definitely like first relationship. Yeah, it was definitely – I think I took it so hard because it was like my first serious relationship and I just had all sorts of like –

and I was like – I kind of got into dating a little late. My first girlfriend wasn't until my senior year of high school. So I hadn't had that kind of wild emotion around a breakup. Like if you date in junior high, if you date in year 15 or something like that, you kind of have that wild emotion about it and it's so serious. And then you can kind of become an adult. And I don't think – I just never experienced that before. And then – so I think maybe took it, I just never experienced that before. And then, uh, you know, so think maybe took it a little harder than, uh, I should have. I mean, cause you know, like

whatever, long distance relationship, she's going to college, she's on a Europe trip, didn't like me anymore. Like, you know, these things happen. Uh, uh, but yeah, but, and I actually, um, I mean kind of a, a less serious relationship I had earlier. Um, I found out about a little bit of cheating and it didn't, um,, and it didn't – I didn't take it as hard. And I think it was just because – yeah, yeah, just that first time is real tough, and I think that – But you're ready to trust again. I am, yeah. Okay, good.

Do you have a girlfriend right now? Are you going to ask me to have sex? Is this what this is about? Follow-up question after, do you have a girlfriend? Do you mind? Do you have a spare room or anything? Do you want to do gay stuff? I have a gay room. Okay.

Chris, can you show them where the gay room is? My first ever really serious relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me. I went out with a girl very seriously when I was like 16. We went out for, it seems like a really long time, but maybe it was only like nine months or something like that. Six months, maybe even.

And she was older than me. 16 and a half. She had this like, yeah, she was 16, 13 days. She had this best friend named john and i think his name was john if i remember correctly and one time i don't know like we had we had been in a show you know we were in this some drama club related cheating number one it was not a club it was an arts high school okay so everyone was the drama club the high school. Okay, so everyone... It was drama club, the high school. Okay, so...

Anyway, I met him after a show and he was acting all crazy and I'm like, come on, give me a fucking break. This is when they were just friends. He was acting crazy? Yeah. What do you mean? And then she's like...

He was... Wouldn't stop doing magic tricks? He was fronting. He was going to throw down. Okay. It turns out he was fucking high on meth. What? Yeah.

I'm like, come on, give me a fucking break. Give me a break here. High on meth in his leotard. Just totally spun out of his mind. And then one time she just ended up making out with him in a party. At that point I was pretty much done from the relationship anyway. I was just too worn out from the craziness. Sure.

The meth. Yeah, the meth. But I just always will remember that because I got chided for being annoyed by him because he was hot. Oh, you were acting like a dick. Yeah, I was like... And she's like, come on, Jesse, be cool. Yeah. Gotcha. He doesn't want to freak out. He high on meth i'm like nobody told let me know

that i just thought the guy was a real crazy asshole and you your drama club was real different than mine nobody's running around on meth yeah well you know it's a it's an urban type situation you know meth is available yeah it was a it was pretty it was pretty crazy. Has it ever happened to you, Sandwich? Been cheated on? I'm not sure that it has. You've cheated on chicks before. Oh, sure. Plenty. That's just part of my culture.

Sandwich has male needs. You mean being Jewish? Culturally Jewish. Not good at fidelity, the Jews. No, I don't think I've ever been cheated on. I'm in a very committed relationship right now. Let me ask you this. Have you ever gotten a boner?

Once or twice. I didn't know what the hell it was at the time. They don't tell you this stuff in school. You're like, what's going on? They don't tell you what it's going to be like. It's like when your nipples get really sensitive. Right. I remember I got some little hard parts under my nipple,

and I couldn't figure out what that was. It was the same thing when you get a boner. Yeah. Even now, I get a boner. I'm like, whater i'm like what's going on what's happening to my body you know what's what is right in the middle of a presentation in front of your class yeah book report you're staying there all of a sudden you know what i'll tell you what you're riding crotch walks by in a short skirt and from from now on i am zipping up my fly you know what i mean because i do not need that kind of aggravation when i'm trying to make a presentation you know what i mean zipping up my fly. You know what I mean? Because I do not need that kind of aggravation when I'm trying to make a presentation.

You know what I mean? If it's zipped up in there, it will be less noticeable. Bingo. You got it. You got it. A lot of boner talk in this one. Yeah, it's just because I'm uncomfortable

because people are always making jokes about how I'm never going to get a boner again now that I'm going to get married. Gross. It's just like my life, man. I'm just dealing with my life. I'm just trying to be honest with you dude no thanks is it okay if i'm honest with you i mean maybe this is why you're the second string best man yeah because i can't be honest with you about my boners call your fucking best man brother and tell him about

your boner man jeez i'm not getting best man title i don't want to have to hear about your erectus what i heard is that marital boners are stronger and sturdier and longer than regular boners because jesus is inside them oh that is awesome okay we'll be back in just a second i'm jordan jesse go jordan jessico i'm jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Adam, shh. Lonely Sandwich, let's go. Shh.

Is part of it? Yeah. The baby's sleeping. Don't wake up the baby. The baby isn't sleeping. She just brought you her octo. Oh, you're talking about Coco. Coco, my brown dog.

Well, guys, we tried to pack this full of content since I'm going to be gone for a couple weeks getting married. And then, you know what they say, here today, gone to Maui for my honeymoon. That's something. That's a something. That's Maui. So anyway, I just want to thank Adam for coming in here. Thank you. It's been a pleasure. Adam's podcast, You Look Nice Today, is in my top...

18. Top three. Top three podcasts in the world. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Thank you.

I want to thank our buddy, Max. Can I say hi to Scott and Merlin? Yeah sure What's up Scott, I'm saying Merlin man That's what this podcasting is for right? It's for one to one communications Oh wait Can I give some shout outs?

Alright big shout outs E-McG, Lil Sleepy Lil Popo I just want to give a shout out to former Seattle Supersonic star detlef shrimp just because i always enjoyed his play on the court great work detlef shrimp and you know what while i'm at it i want to give a shout out to the guy who broke down the door for detlef shrimp the first yugoslavian basketball superstar former golden state warrior sixth man

of the year sharunas marshallonis so what's up sharunas marshallonis i heard you got in an auto accident very sorry to hear that i wish you all the best in your recovery sharunas marshallonis got in an auto accident 10 years ago cut his career short what 15 maybe sharunas marshallonis got in an auto accident 10 years ago. Cut his career short. What? 15 maybe. Sharunus Marshalonis from the Golden State Warriors. That's nothing. Jordan, are you and Gene really going to try and do a podcast? Yeah, I think we are. I think we're going to do another Jesse's Out of Town, Jordan and Gene podcast.

No promises, though. No promises. Okay, well, we'll either be back in a million weeks or one half of a million weeks if Jordan and Gene get their act together. Which we won't. It was fun to have you here, Adam. Oh, and Max's show is The Big River Show. You can watch it on the internet at bigrivershow.com.

Of course, our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. You can buy it on the compact disc, the best of The Free Design, which is on Light in the Attic Records, who are kind enough to let us use that. Are you going to get a haircut before you... I already got a haircut. Yeah? Is it your wedding haircut? Sure. That's how your hair is going to be for the wedding? You think it looks bad?

Yeah. Maybe put some product in it. It's fine. No, you don't think it... No, have fun. Have a great wedding. Are you going to get a haircut for my wedding? No. Sandwich, are you going to get a...

That'll cost 18 bucks. I'm going to shave my balls for your wedding we'll see you next time on jordan jesse go